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Funny / The Angry Video Game Nerd Season Seven

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    Schwarzenegger Games 
  • "Take this game, for example, Total Recall. I remember my first time playing it as a kid: it was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me the video store, I rented this game, I took it home man, I played it, and it just FUCKING PISSED ME OFF AND RUINED MY WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKEND!!!"
  • "Whoever programmed this game should eat a bowl of fuck! I think this game was programmed by the Assholians from the Planet Ass!"
  • When reviewing Total Recall: "Come to think of it, I just realized you're playing an NES game where you shoot your wife. I can see that going over well with the parents. "Hey, son, what are you playing?" (falsetto) "I'm playing Nintendo!" (normal) "Oh, that's nice." (falsetto) "Yeah, I just shot my wife!"
  • "The best part in the game is when you go into a movie theater and watch the movie that the game is based on. It's just a credit crawl for all the game designers to laugh in your face. I miss Fred Fuchs."
  • "With a cerebral plot like Total Recall, that's not such an easy adaptation to make. There's so many scenes from that movie that left an impression on me since I was a kid. It was one of the first R-rated movies I've ever seen. I remember the alien with the three tits, and the guy coming out of the stomach, and the eyeballs popping out on the surface of Mars, and Arnold trying to rip that tracking device out through his nose! If you're expecting to see any of that in the game... then you're just out of your mind."
  • "Wanna know the basics? Check this out. A and B both attack. That's fine, but to jump, you press Up. That's pretty shitty already, but that's not all. What do you think happens when you press Down? Take a guess. You think duck? Heh heh heh, NO. It JUMPS! *extreme close-up of his grimacing face* You press DOWN to JUMP! Whoever came up with that idea is a real cocksucker...that sucks cock."
  • Kyle Justin's skeleton (complete with hat and guitar) appearing behind the couch as the Nerd snaps.
  • After giving up on Conan the Barbarian: "Who'd wanna play it anyway? I'd rather have a sasquatch sit its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat! I'm dead fucking serious. What a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking."
  • "This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me."
  • "In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?"
  • "Big Mode."
  • "This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit-munching bunch of pile of.... poop!"
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    Ghosts 'N Goblins 
  • He tops it off by fighting the cartridge itself RPG-style. Even better is he makes use of several F-bomb tropes.
    • listen closely and you'll notice the video game sound effects he uses during the fight are all from Castlevania I.
  • "I did it! I beat two Satans!... in my underwear!"
  • He's always been a master of creative profanity, but his reaction upon seeing the torch probably takes the cake: "Ah, fuck my uncle!" What really sells it is the hilariously resigned tone of voice he uses.
  • "Beat the game twice, I'll show you twice! After all that hard work, who'd wanna do that shit again?! It's like building a house and after you're finished you tear it down just to build it one more time."

    Atari Sports 
  • The Nerd's rants on Football. It... Yeah, it drove him mad.
    "All right, back to football video games. Madden Madden Madden. Madden '91. Madden '92. Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96 Madden '97 Madden '98 Madden '99 Madden2000Madden2001Madden2002Madden2003 WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN MADDEN ANYWAY?! He doesn't even look like an athlete!"
  • His description of the basic Atari Football game:
    "Not this Madden shit. Just plain ass normal everyday no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dimeback, nickleback, simple, ordinary, unembellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom bomb! One compound word: it's motherfuckin', goddamned, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' FOOTBALL!! UNGH!!" (slams the cartridge in)
  • His reaction to the overhead view in Boxing.
    "What is this, Geodude fighting Mr. Game & Watch in the middle of a baseball field?"
  • When playing Home Run for Atari 2600:
    "Even though I know nothing about sports, I can tell you one thing: there's only one pitcher in baseball!"
  • The look on the Nerd's face when he loads Golf and Miniature Golf. Especially Miniature Golf, where he breaks down laughing trying to explain the mechanics.
  • When playing RealSports Baseball, he wonders why the batter is naked:
    Nerd: I'm not trying to be funny, he is naked. You can see all the other players wearing shirts and pants. The batter... is naked. And they gave him a dick. Maybe it's the knee? But then, where's the other knee? It's a dick. The batter is naked. Concluded.
  • The moment when the Nerd crushes a beer can on his forehead.

    Ikari Warriors 
  • For a brief moment, the Nerd plays Ikari Warriors 2 and encounters an NPC that says "Welcome." The Nerd mishears it and thinks it's saying "bath time."
    In-game voice: Welcome!
    Nerd: Did he just say "bath time"?
    In-game voice: Welcome!
    Nerd: *mimicking the game* Bath time!
    Yeah, bath time.
  • The Nerd openly snickering behind his game controller during Kyle's "scrotum guns" song.
    • You can actually hear him crack up after the line "You motherfucking Nintendo dork..."
    • On that note, the entire damn song.
  • The whole episode is hilarious. It's a departure from form, but the Kyle/James dynamic works very well and makes for some hilarious moments, and it will hopefully be explored further in the future. Regarding the song, the absolute funniest line has to be:
    "Pink motherfucking tanks... they're making love to all the scrotum guns... it's a different part in the game, you haven't noticed it yet, but it's a level that's hidden... just trust me."
  • When Kyle shoots himself with the Zapper, the AVGN tries to use the "A-B-B-A" code to revive him, causing Kyle to spawn inside the couch.
    • The "A-B-B-A" code use in this episode was the ultimate Brick Joke: there were numerous shots of Kyle Justin as a skeleton that could be seen in previous episodes (the guitar being a dead giveaway) and when the Nerd needs someone to play the game with him, he brings Kyle and the theme back to the show with the "A-B-B-A".
  • Kyle, irritated at the Nerd for leaving him to die behind the couch and not letting him play the theme song for the past several episodes, repeatedly stalls for time until the Nerd yells at him to play the song so they can start the episode properly. He's still sore about it when they get to the third level, as evidenced by this quote:
    Nerd: Look at these guys, hiding inside barrels of flammable liquid! If you were in a gun war, would you hide inside a barrel of flammable liquid?
    Kyle: (singing) It's better than hiding behind a (suddenly stops singing) fucking couch for all these goddamn years!
  • The Nerd notes that people commonly referred to the hero of the game as "Rambo". When Kyle joins in as Player 2, he refers to his own character as Arnold Schwarzenegger's John Matrix from Commando. The Nerd is excited at the prospect of "Rambo Commando".
  • "Somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb."
  • The final level features soldiers that swim underwater and explode once they get too close to the player(s). When asked how to deal with them, Kyle responds with this non-sequitur:
    "Throw milk at them... Just try it...it might work..."
  • When Kyle's character first gets stuck inside of a rock.
    Kyle: Just kill me.
    Nerd: I'm trying! That's what I'm trying to do!
    Kyle: No. Kill me for real.
  • The Nerd is very perplexed when the third level has both yellow and green pipes on the floor, but only the yellow pipes can be walked over, while the green pipes act like walls, despite the yellow pipes being visually on top of the green pipes. Kyle proposes the following theory:
    Kyle: That's because Mario goes through the green pipes.
    Nerd: [sarcastic] Oh, so, so Mario's goin' through there? Yeah? Well then, who goes through the yellow pipes? Luigi?
    Kyle: Don't be stupid. Shit goes through there!
    [The Nerd just shakes his head]
    • The face the Nerd makes when Kyle says "shit goes through there".
  • Kyle and the Nerd's reaction to the boss that is just a corpse behind a desk.
    Nerd: Ooh, red carpet. I smell boss. Okay I guess I'm at the final boss and it's a dead guy sitting behind a desk.
    Kyle: (singing) Dead guy behind a desk, looks so... dead.
  • The outtakes for this episode are also hilarious.
    Kyle: I got a banana, bananas are healthy... how did I get off the subject of the scrotum guns?
    • The outtakes are full of all sorts of shenanigans related to the episode and the "scrotum guns" song, where Kyle says "dinglehopper" instead of dingleberry and gets everyone cracking up, including cameraman Mike Matei, and James noticing the dent in the ceiling from the Bugs Bunny Brawl and saying "I gotta get that tile fixed." (he procrastinates quite a while on that one, because we see him noticing it again in a later video).

    Toxic Crusaders 
  • Troma's Lloyd Kaufman appears. And he's so incoherent you can't help but laugh. Even James/The Nerd can't help it and just bursts out laughing at Lloyd's antics.
  • Lloyd screaming "NOOOOO!!!", pretending to be in slow motion.
  • "The downhill thing is very symbolic. All downhill, just like my career."
  • When the Nerd asks Kaufman about some of the problems in the game:
    Nerd: What's going on with the clouds here? And the other cloud that's pissing on you, what's going on there? It's a different cloud than the other ones?
    Lloyd Kaufman: Please leave my personal life out of this, if you don't mind.
  • "This is, uh, historic. It is the first use in a video game of a golden shower, until the Mary Kate and Ashley, er, Olsen twins' video game."
  • When the Nerd asks Kaufman about the bats:
    Nerd: Why's it always got to be bats?
    Lloyd Kaufman: These aren't bats, Nerd! These are cats with wings! When I was a teenager in Tijuana, I had some pussy with wings and that's what this is all about, man!
    Nerd: (breaks character, puts his face in his hands and starts laughing)
  • Kaufman's explanation for why Toxie dies when he touches water:
    Nerd: Why would water kill Toxie? You gotta admit, that's pretty fucked up.
    Lloyd Kaufman: Toxie is the great, great granddaughter of the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz, who as you remember, dissolved when water touched her.
    Nerd: Interesting fun fact.
  • When the Nerd is cleaning out his cartridge:
    Lloyd: You know, Nerd, I got some, uh, dust in my asshole; could you blow it out? Just for about 30 seconds. Would really help the game.
    Nerd: (disgusted) What the fuck?!
  • "You, you'd better watch out, Nerd, you're gonna have a second piss-slit... Th-th-That's no joke."
  • When Kaufman explains where Toxie got his red headband from:
    Nerd: Toxie looks just like Raphael with the headband.
    Lloyd Kaufman: Yeah, you know, you're right. He does, and in fact, Raphael did wear a headband when he and Tintoretto were going paint shopping. In fact, Da Vinci sold them the headbands. All three of them wore them. It was really very nice in the Renaissance.
  • "By the way, speaking of toxic waste, if you want to have some irritable bowels, watch The View."
  • The moment Kaufman addresses the viewers and whispers "I wanna blow my fucking brains out, if you know what I mean", as if there's any other way the viewer could have possibly interpreted that statement. Even James breaks character and tries hiding his laughter!
  • When the Nerd complains about having to have to press the Select button to attack stronger, Kaufman says it's to emulate the mark of the devil.
    • "One in the pink, and one in the stink! Here, wanna smell?"
  • At the end, Lloyd starts to emulate Nerd in his own way with his own insults, resulting with him in anger so much, in classic Troma fashion, that he takes a diarrhea dump on the NES cartridge, with the smell making the Nerd vomit as much as Lloyd's shitting.
    • Plus as many times as the Nerd used the metaphor "it's like pukin' on a pile of shit", we're lucky enough to get to see it!

    Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure 
  • When the Nerd gets fed up with trying to figure out blindly where to go, he decides to look for his Nintendo Power by jumping and slamming into his game cabinets.note 
  • He later shows off a few examples of the items needed to rescue the historical figures and bring them back to their own time. Cleopatra requires a credit card, and the one presented by the Nerd is made out to one "Fred Fuchs."
  • His Imagine Spot of the unknown "Time Rebels" mentioned in the game, who go around putting historical figures in the wrong periods because "we're assholes!". Two of the Time Rebels were voiced by Rolfe and Kevin Finn.
    • Fun fact- they're actually the Munchkins from James's animated film Wizard of Oz 3: Dorothy Goes To Hell, so it doubles as a neat Call-Back.
  • His reaction when he discovers the Guide Dang It! solution to the time circuit:
    Nerd: " You've GOT to be kidding me! It's all the way out THERE?! Who would know to do that?! "
  • His epic rant at the end, he's so horrified by how awful the game is that he comes back twice for more rants.
    Nerd: "This game is diarrhea coming out of an old woman's bleeding vagina! It's fucking TERRIBLE! What were (LJN) thinking?! Well, I know...they weren't thinking!"
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    Tiger Electronic Games 
  • Before getting to the Tiger games, he recalled something he said in his second review, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde:
    AVGN from 2004: They're just, you know, rare, obscure games like, y'know, McKids, or, uh, Taxman, or whatever...
    AVGN from 2013: What the hell is Taxman?! (chuckles) I didn't even know what the hell I was talking about! I had too much to drink. What I meant to say was Wall Street Kid, a game about the stock market.
    • He then reveals there really is a game called Taxman, but it's just a Pac-Man clone. Saying that if you played Pac-Man, you've played Taxman.
  • Pretty much his entire rant on how Tiger games refused to die, the crowning jewel being "It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed His middle name to Fucking!"
  • The Bullshit Man's cameo.
  • And immediately before that, when he brings up the Batman Returns wrist game:
    "Wait, I can't get it open. Good."
  • From the end of the review, the Nerd asks what Tiger was thinking when they designed the R-Zone.
  • The Nerd's breakdown after playing the pathetically primitive Batman wristwatch game.
    Nerd: "Wow, look at how badass this game is. Yeah, this is the hot shit right here. You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school, and you got this on and everybody else is talking about what the new hot game system is gonna be. Nintendo 64...the bit wars...sixty-four bits. Thirty-two bits. Sixteen bits. Eight bits. Four bits! TWO BITS! ONE BIT! HALF BIT! QUARTER BIT! THE WRIST GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!"
  • The look on the Nerd's face as he plays the wrist game version of Double Dragon:
    Nerd: What. The. Ass. Talk about desperate. I'd have more fun setting the time on a digital watch.
  • "Some people ask questions like, 'Are video games art?' I got a better one: 'Are Tiger games video games?'"
  • The Nerd says that the only thing worse than the Street Fighter 2 Tiger game is the board game...and then immediately says even that's better.
  • The Nerd saying that Tiger ended up copying Nintendo all the time, before bringing up the R-Zone. And claims that the kid in the adverts was screaming in pain and terror.
  • When playing the Batman & Robin game on Game.com:
    Nerd: Every time Batman gets hit, it sounds like he just got done taking a big dump. (Batman voice bytes: "Ugh! Ugh!")
  • The Nerd observing the "quality" sound in the Duke Nukem 3D port on Game.com:
    Duke: (crunchy audio) Damn, that's the second time those alien bastards shot up my ride.
  • "You could save up for a Game Boy or go *pretends to play a game* 'EH EH EH EH EH!' Yeah, well *does a "jerking off" motion followed by rhythmically flipping the bird* 'EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH!'"
  • The Nerd demonstrating how to play the R-Zone, then bringing up the what-if scenario of actually playing it in public is instant grounds for laughs.
  • When talking about the R-Zone, he mentions how Tiger copied the Virtual Boy:
    AVGN: Tiger saw what Nintendo was doing and thought, "That's the new hot ticket, see! Red and black video games that you play close to your eye!"
  • "Tiger Pokémon walkie talkies?!"
    • The sound the walkie talkies made when he put them down.

    Alien 3 
  • The Nerd wonders if the game will be scary enough for Halloween. Then he notices a familiar rainbow.
    Nerd: Okay! Now, it just got fucking scary!
  • This bit of Hypocritical Humor.
    Nerd: And how shameless is that? To do something, to promote something else? (covers his mouth and mumbles) Monster Madness.
  • "Ripley's Believe It Or Go Fuck Yourself"
  • "'Quality Ass?' This game is quality ass!"
  • His ending line:
    Nerd: You know, it's not the worst LJN game, I have to say, nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable, as much as the movie is watchable. Huh. Maybe that's what they were going for. In that sense, they got it right. It may not be a pile of goat puke smothered in buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke; hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes get diarrhea!

    AVGN Games! 
  • He says that the reason it took him so long before he finally played The Angry Video Game (which he knew of since 2008) is because he was loading it on the Commodore 64.
  • His response to his character's gravestone in The Angry Video Game.
    Nerd: Is that going to be my epitaph? "Fuck"?!
  • When he realizes that all the things he hates in The Angry Video Game are based on things he complained about:
    Nerd: This game is all my fault. (face palms)
  • When he's beating up his character in AVGN KO Boxing:
    Nerd: Take that Nerd! Me.
  • Board James's cameo.
    • Some of the cards in Angry Video Game Nerd Monopoly.
    • Apparently, Board James got out of jail by using the "Get out of jail free" card.
    • When the Nerd mentions that Board James was in jail for killing his friends, James suddenly goes into an outburst before flipping the Nerd and leaving. The fact that the Nerd of all people is so calm during this really sells it.
  • The Nerd comments on the other playable characters in AVGN Adventures. His reaction to Guitar Guy is an annoyed "Is that guy dead again?", and his reaction to Mike is "Who is the fuck is Mike? I don't know anyone like that!"
  • The Nerd gets frustrated with AVGN Adventures. He has a flashback montage of him destroying the cartridges of games that have pissed him off in the past, and looks ready to destroy this one, but realizes that it's a downloadable PC game, so there's no cartridge to destroy. All he can do is just delete the file and say "Take that, game!"
  • He also discovers they programmed in the ridiculous trap he imagined during Super Pitfall, and deeply regrets it, since he can't blame anyone but himself for its existence.
    • It's the Oh, Crap! expression he pulls when first seeing the trap, that sells this moment.
  • After the Nerd experiences many frustrating deaths in AVGN Adventures:
    Nerd: Okay, whoever came up with this is-
    In-Game Nerd: Whoever came up this level is an asshole!!
    Nerd: Exactly. It read my mind. They're an asshole. Which means the asshole who made this game acknowledged that they're an asshole, and that I'd call them an asshole! (Beat) You asshole.
  • The Nerd is exasperated that the Giant Claw appears in the game, and he expresses this by taking a note from the movie itself (and the game) by comparing the creature to a battleship... a lot.
    Nerd: It's a big as a battleship! How did it get in this game? It just barged right in, like a battleship crashing into a harbor. It's taking so many hits, like bullets on a battleship. It's a flying battleship!
    Nerd: (examines the map with the locations marked on it) Hmm. I don't see any pattern... Oh, of course! (draws a completely arbitrary swirl on the map to connect the marks) A perfect pattern!

    Wish List 
  • The Nerd describing the host of Skate or Die as Rodney Dangerfield with a mohawk.
  • The Nerd imitating Waldo's walk cycle at the end of the first part.
  • When playing the Three Stooges NES game, he rants about getting the oyster minigame multiple times in a row.
    Nerd: I'm sick of playing it. I'm sick of looking at it. I hate staring at those oysters! They don't even look like oysters! They look like assholes! I'm not even trying to be funny, they really look like dog's hairy assholes rising in the stew!
  • While playing Home Improvement, he is confused about what to do, and says he'd consult the instructions, but he can't because the game only comes with a page that says "REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS". The Nerd reacts: "Very funny."
  • His intro to Bubsy 3D:
    Nerd: And next up, a game, that is probably my biggest request... aside from that other one about the fuckin' alien that falls in the pits. No, no. I'm talking about motherfucking Bubsy 3D! I don't even know who the hell Bubsy is. He's just some generic cat that doesn't wear pants. Not that cats wear pants anyway, but he's got a shirt, so, where's his pants?
  • When playing Bubsy 3D, lamenting Bubsy's voice:
    Bubsy: Look! An arrow! Aren't these game designers wonderful?!
    Nerd: Yeah, I bet they thought they were clever.
  • His closing comments on Bubsy 3D:
    Nerd: Overall, this game just feels unfinished, and what I really mean is that it's like it was barely started at all! I thought this was a prototype of some sort, not an actual finished game that got released in stores. It's a pile of junk!
    • "Most of the games I own are junk! I'm hoarding junk! I surrounded myself with fucking garbage!"
  • The ending of the second part. The Nerd plays Spider-Man & Venom: Maximum Carnage, and judges it to be a decent game. Not great, but not bad either. He's happy to find a Spider-Man game that isn't total shit and checks the game box to find out who made it. When he sees the LJN logo, he Goes Mad from the Revelation.
    Nerd: IT'S NOOOOOOOT SHIIIIIIIIIIT!


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