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    Episode 1 
  • The first thing Kirito sees when he logs into SAO on launch day is a bunch of in-game ads and an offer for a $30 ad blocker.
    Kirito: Heheheh... I'm gonna burn this f*bleep*er to the ground.
  • Our introduction to Kirito has him impressing Klein by one-shotting a demonic boar with a thrown rock, before going into a very long, very sarcastic story about "The Mithril Pebble of Pig Smiting."
    • After he finally finishes, Klein proceeds to nail down Kirito's character with just one line.
      Klein: I have a feeling you get beat up a lot in real life.
      Kirito: [whiny voice] Shaddup! Here I have power!
  • When BallsDeep69 — er, Klein — is aghast that he cannot log out, Kirito mocks him for it... only to realize that his logout button is missing too.
    Klein: Wait, there's something scrolling across mine. "Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha..."
    Kirito: I get it...
    Klein: Wait, wait, wait, wait, there's more. ..."Ha."
    Kirito: Riveting.
  • The reason why the NerveGear prevents you from moving when using it (in an In-Universe YouTube video, in live action). Crosses the Line Twice during The Stinger, where the Final Fantasy III victory fanfare plays.
    Got 25 EXP point(s)
    Got 60 GP
    Got 1 Manslaughter Charge(s)
    • The rest of the YouTube site has some nice touches, like referring to this scene as "Subject Theta's Wacky Hijinks :D"; the video has nearly 10 million views with 5228 likes to 262 dislikes; and a dance remix of the freakout.
  • Pretty much all of Kayaba's speech during the announcement/world-event. Unsurprising given that it's Takahata101 behind the mask.
    • The beginning of the speech, where Kayaba realizes no one's listening to him, and decides to disable the chat system, but...
      Klein: Do you think he realizes he just muted himself?
      Kirito: Give it a minute.
      Kayaba: [unmutes himself] Alright, I just realized what happened there. It's very funny, but right now, serious time.
    • Kayaba trying to explain his plan with film references and is deeply frustrated by no one getting it:
      Kayaba: How many of you have seen TRON? Huh? Huh...?
      [The crowd is completely silent]
      Kayaba: Wh-what?! Seriously? None of you have seen TRON? Sh*t! [under breath] I was really banking on that.
    • This part of Kayaba's speech as well:
      Kayaba: So as I was saying, the only way to keep the Nervegear from going all Gallagher on your grey matter is to make your way through Castle Aincrad, and beat Sword Art Online!
      Random Player: So you want us to beat an MMO?
      Kayaba: Essentially.
      Random Player: F*ck you!
      Kayaba: WHOA! Getting a lot of hostility here. Don't appreciate it.
      Random Player: Well, honestly, when was the last time you heard of someone beating EverQuest?
      Kayaba: When was the last time you heard of someone playing EverQuest?
      Random Player: ...That's fair.
    • Also from Kayaba's speech, when he reverts their avatars to look like their real-world bodies:
      Kayaba: Any-hoo, for all you guys who wanted to play as girls — and you know who you are — well, I've got a surprise for you.
      [mirror transforms everyone in a flash]
      Klein: Kirito?
      Kirito: Huh?
      Random Player: You're not a girl!
      G.I.R.L.: And you're not seventeen!
      [Beat]
      Random Player: I'm okay with this.
      G.I.R.L.: Me too!
      Progressive Player: LOVE KNOWS NO GENDER!!!
      Klein: [to Kirito] You look so... Young.
      Kirito: An' you look less hairy, Balls.
      Klein: My name is Klein!
      Kirito: Heh, heh — no it's not.
      Kayaba: As you can see, I have peeled away your petty façades, and revealed you for what you truly are! ...Fairly attractive twenty-somethings, apparently. Good for you! Kinda undermines the whole "Cold-light-of-day" thing I had planned, but still! Way to break down stereotypes! [cuts to the G.I.R.L. and Random Player] 'Cept you, "Fatty," way to bring down the curve.
    • Also:
      Kayaba: One more thing, I should probably mention if your health points reach zero, your real bodies perish as well.
      Random Player: What?
      Kayaba: Uh, ok. If you die in the game, you die for real.
      Random Player: What?
      Kayaba: Really? Sometimes, things are born. They live, and then they stop. Forever.
      [Beat]
      Random Player: What?
      Kayaba: [sighs, replays Scanners scene of guy's head exploding]
      Random Player: Oh my god! If we die in the game, we die for real!
      Kayaba: Yeah, I'm just gonna keep that tabbed.
    • The crowd's reaction to Kayaba's speech is summarized perfectly with the line following Kayaba's last point in his speech:
      Kayaba: Oh, Oh, Oh! Last thing, I swear. I disabled the profanity filter. Haaave fun with that.
      [Kayaba disappears with a little "pop" noise as the sky abruptly turns back to normal]
      [beat]
      Random Player: We're FUCKED!
    • The Reveal in the season 1 finale that everything Kayaba did here he was doing while outrageously sleep deprived to the point of hallucination makes it even funnier.
  • Kirito running away crying because Klein called him "the most unbearable asshole I've ever met."
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    Episode 2 
  • We get a Rucks-esque narrator summarizing events since Kayaba's announcement... and it turns out Kirito can hear him too.
    Narrator: 'cause in a game of life and death, you either live... or you die.
    Kirito: Oh, wow. What brilliant insight! It's so deep, it loops right back around to being stupid.
    Narrator: —the kid ranted at no one, it slowly dawning how alone he truly was.
    Kirito: Wait, what was that?
    Narrator: —he asked the sky, like a preacher to his silent gods.
    Kirito: What gods? What are you talking about? It's all bullshit metaphors with you!
    Narrator: —he cried, not knowing the difference between a simile and a metaphor, the tininess of his brain dwarfed only by the tininess of his di
    Kirito: Narrator off.
    Narrator: Youcansilencemebutyoucan'tsilencethetru—! [shuts off]
    Kirito: Dick.
  • It seems that almost no one has been keeping up with current events:
    Diabel: [addressing the crowd] Hey everyone! Thank you all for coming to our little pow-wow. Now, I know many of you may be discouraged by the fact that 2,000 people have died so far.
    Random Player: WHAT?!
    Random Player: 2,000 people?!
    Random Player: It hasn't even been a month yet!
    Random Player: Oh, my God! We really are fucked!
    Diabel: And I know even more of you are a little down because we haven't even cleared the first floor yet.
    Random Player: WE HAVEN'T?!
    Random Player: I thought we were almost done!
    Diabel: Uh, You guys do know there are 100 floors, right?
    Several Random Players: WHAT?!
    Diabel: Oh Jeez, I'm just making things worse.
  • Our introduction to Agil:
    Agil: If I might interject.
    Kibaou: And who the Hell are you?
    Agil: I am known by many names. "Mountain Slayer." "Thunder Lion.""The Chocolate Axe." But you? You may call me... Tiffany.
    Kibaou: T-Tiffany, huh? That's a... pretty masculine name.
    Agil/Tiffany: [deadpan] Shouldn't be. It's a woman's name.
    Kibaou: ... 'Kay, I don't know how to talk to you.
    Agil/Tiffany: Good, then you can shut up and listen.
  • According to Diabel, the player's guide's suggestion to defeating the first boss and its waves of Mooks is to "respond in kind." And it goes on to list which players can be deemed "acceptable losses:"
    Diabel: "Good rule of thumb, if a player asks you for gold two seconds after meeting you, front lines."
    Kibaou: HA! Serves 'em right.
    Diabel: "If they hijack conversations to rant about their political views, front lines."
    Kibaou: Aw, shit.
    Diabel: "If they ask female players for pics of their boobs, front lines."
    Random Player: OH, BULLSHIT!
    Random Player: That's discrimination!
    Random Player: Boo!
    Diabel: Now, now, people, I think there're some valid points being made here.
    • The guide's tip for how to get through the boss' final phase is something called "The Final Solution."
      Diabel: ...aaaaand I'm just gonna stop reading. Jesus, who wrote this thing?!
      Kirito: [snickers]
    • Deciding to come up with a better plan to beat Illfang, Diabel opens the floor to suggestions from the others:
      Random Player: Whoa, guys, we could, we could, you know, like, group up and—
      Random Player: —AND HIT IT 'TIL IT DIES!
      Random Player: WOOHOO! Nice! High-five.
      Diabel: That's... a good start. But, let's hear some other suggestions.
      Random Player: I'd like to hear more about zis "Final Solution."
      Diabel: Fuck it, group up.
  • Asuna is so much of a noob that she can't open the game's menu.
    Kirito: How have you survived all month?
    [flashback to Asuna staring at a piece of bread]
    Past!Asuna: ...HOW DO I EAT YOU!?
    [back to present]
    Asuna: It's been a challenge.
  • Asuna is the first one in the series to see through Kirito's facade.
    Asuna: What about you? Why haven't you joined the others?
    Kirito: Oh, lots of reasons. Mostly because they're a bunch of mouth-breathing neckbeards who think LMAO is how French people laugh.
    Random Player: Haha, that's so le mao!
    Kirito: (groans)
    Asuna: Wow, you certainly... speak from the heart.
    Kirito: Funny, I thought I was speaking from my mouth, but eh, shows what I know about biology.
    Asuna: No one else wanted you in their group, did they?
    Kirito: (whiny voice) Shut up! It was mutual!
  • After a much heated debate with the crowd over what time they should leave to confront the boss (settling on 2:30pm because all the other nerds are a bunch of lazy bastards), Diabel finally manages to rally the team outside the dungeon, with all of them panting and wheezing from exertion.
    Dec. 3, 2022 Floor 1: Illfang's Tower 7:30pm.
    Diabel: Ok, so there were a few more stairs than we realized. Apparently real-life athletic ability translates into the game. Good to know.
    Random Player: Oh GOD, I can feel my lungs trying to kill me!
    Random Player: Is this sweat?!
    Random Player: I peed a little.
    Diabel: Jesus, this is sad.
    [barfing sounds are heard from another player in the background]
    Diabel: Fuck it, why don't you all just take a Cheetos and Mountain Dew break and we'll reconvene in an hour?
    (Batman (1966)-style logo spin-cut, albeit with a bag of Cheetos and a Mountain Dew bottle)
    Diabel: Damn it guys, I was kidding! You weren't actually supposed to take an hour! God, we've lost so much time, let's just do this already!
  • For all her problems with the menu, Asuna shows surprising combat skill.
    Kirito: [thinking] Wow, I thought she was hopeless, but her technique is flawless! If I didn't know any better I'd say she was even better than I am—
    Asuna: [panicked] Kirito, I killed a thing, and it says I have "expees!" Is that bad? Am I dying?!
    • Diabel later mentions that Asuna "thinks DPS is some kind of sex thing."
  • After Illfang kills Diabel, it roars ferociously at the remaining players, causing one of them to drop a rare item: Soiled Pants.
  • A dying Diabel asks how Kirito can put up with the sort of idiots who form a typical raid group.
    Diabel: How do you stand it, Kirito? Where do your draw your strength?
    Kirito: I've been playing MMOs a long time, Diabel, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that lions do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. Just take that little voice in your head that tells you to be tactful, and understanding... and shoot it. Shoot it in the goddamned face.
    Diabel: You are so wise. If only I'd met you sooner... perhaps, things would have been different. You must lead them now. Show them that this game can be beaten.
    Kirito: In another life, in another time... I think we could have been friends.
    Diabel: I... doubt it... [dies]
    Kirito: ...Well, fuck you too!!
  • Tiffany considers Kirito and Asuna's performance "more impressive than that cat that learned to play."
    Fluffles: Meow!
    Jeffrey: Oh my God, you can see it too? So, I'm not crazy! Isn't that great, Jesus?!
    Giant Hallucinatory Jesus: That's right, Jeffrey! Now... kill them all.
    Jeffrey: [whispered] As you command, my Lord.
    • The Stinger suggests, and episode 6 confirms, that this is the reason for the founding of the Laughing Coffin PK guild.
  • Kirito addresses his new followers.
    Kirito: Fellow gamers, we have traveled far and climbed many stairs to get to this point, fighting side-by-side, noobs and l33ts alike. I'd like to take a moment to say I couldn't have done it without the help of each and every one of you.
    Tiffany: Aw, that's a nice thing to say
    Kirito: 'course I'm not a liar, so I'm not gonna say any of that.
    Tiffany: Ohhh, shit.
    Kirito: I mean really, I could've done this whole boss fight myself. But, to be fair, I guess you did absorb a little damage for me, which was nice. You were an adequate meat shield, and no one can ever take that away from you.
    Tiffany: Aw, fuck, shut up, shut up!
    Kirito: So, for those of you who came in late, and that one guy playing Bejeweled back there, shoot for the stars! It'll make it more fun when I kick you back into the dirt.
    Player: You're not better than us!
    Kirito: [equips the bonus item he won] My sweet-ass coat begs to differ.
    Player: Damn, he's got us there...
  • Asuna's not mad Kirito is ditching the party, she wants her share of the loot from beating the boss, i.e. half the coat.
    Kirito: No! It's not fabric I can cut, it's a bunch of ones and zeroes.
    Asuna: Fine, then give me the ones
    Kirito: Fuck you, I want the ones! Ugh, I am not having this argument right now, I'm disolving this party.
    Asuna: Kirito, if you walk away with my half of the coat, I will make your life A LIVING HELL!
    Kirito: You know what? FINE! I'll give you the damn coat... just send me a trade request.
    Asuna: A... what?
    Kirito: Oh, it's quite simple, really. [smug smile] Just open your menu. [Evil Laugh]
    Asuna: YOU SON OF A BITCH!

    Episode 3 
  • How do we know it's a Christmas Episode? The opening has snow falling and everyone's wearing Santa hats while they slash through enemies.
  • The Narrator is surprised that this Christmas story starts in April.
    Jack Dapper: Guess we're going for a slow burn on this one. Oh well, I can "dig it", as the kids would say.
  • Keita's "sales pitch" when trying to recruit Kirito.
    Kirito: Who are you people, and why are you at my table?
    Keita: Ah, Kirito! Can I call you "Kirito"?
    Kirito: No.
    Keita: Here's the thing, Kirito; I couldn't help but noticing, while I was rifling through your character page...
    Kirito: I thought I had that set to private...
    Keita: ...That you are not associated with any guild! So the Crew and I — I call them "The Crew" by the way — were thinking that you should join our guild!
    Kirito: Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
    Keita: Now, I know what you're thinking — "am I really worthy to join these awesome dudes?"
    Kirito: I have literally never thought that about anyone.
    Keita: But let me assure you, we could certainly use someone with your... [staring up at Kirito's level 40 statline] assets... mmmmhmmmm...
    Kirito: Hey, hey! My eyes are down here!
  • Kirito finds himself joining a guild after Keita dons a hat with a +50 Charisma bonus, which anyone familiar with tabletop games will recognize counts towards a player's ability to convince or coerce others. Meaning that Kirito, with his in-all-probably ABYSMAL Charisma score, is powerless to the hat. Rogue type players are grinning.
  • The bulk of the Moonlit Black Cats consists of NPC companions from quests that Keita never completed, so they hang around him indefinitely (and tend to repeat themselves every four seconds). One is actually from the game's tutorial, so yes, Keita never finished the tutorial!
    Gary: We must save my family!
    Larry: The bandits are coming!
    Charlie: Always remember, to jump... jump! [...] Remember, winners don't use drugs. Except steroids. In which case, use lots of drugs!
  • Sachi's glitching/lagging. All of it.
    • Especially when we're first introduced to her.
      Sachi: Thank you for joining our guild, Mr. [starts glitch/lagging] Kir-Kir-Kir-Kir-Kirito.
      Kirito: SWEET MERCIFUL BUDDHA! WHAT THE FUCK?!
      Keita: Now, now, don't panic. [Sachi glitches again as he puts his hand on her head] Sachi just lives out in the boonies, so her Internet connection is kinda [starts glitching again, infecting Keita this time] shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-
      Random Player: OH GOD! IT'S SPREADING!
      Random Player: Grab the women and children!
      Random Player: Yeah! We'll use 'em as shields!
      [the tavern suddenly bursts into flames and windows explode]
      Jack Dapper the Narrator: Ha-ha! What shenanigans. Four people died in that fire.
  • The reason Kirito is the one to go find the missing Sachi.
    Keita: Hey, Kirito, buddy! Sachi kinda ran off and we don't know where she went, could you be a pal and track her down? I'd look for her myself, but the NPCs are sorta blocking the door and I can't get out.
    Gary: We must save my family!
    Keita: MOVE! URRRRGH! [back to Kirito] Listen buddy, I'm gonna need your help sooner rather than later, I'm starting to think this is a two-man job.
    Charlie: You've been playing for four thousand, six hundred and eight hours! Maybe you should take a break.
    Keita: I WOULD IF I COULD, "MOM", BUT THAT'S NOT REALLY AN OPTION, NOW IS IT?! [exasperated sigh] And now he's clipping through the wall! This is just perfect! [Angrish] So yeah, if you could take care of that for me, that'd be great.
  • Kirito tracks Sachi down:
    Kirito: Yo, Sachi, Keita said you ran off— [camera pans up to reveal Kirito with scary glowing eyes and emitting a strange buzzing noise]
    Sachi: JESUS CHRIST, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR EYES!?!
    Kirito: What? Oh, right. Detective Mode. One second. [Kirito's glowing eyes turns off with a sizzling noise and starts to emit smoke] E-HUH-uh! AAAH, that's brisk!
  • So the two have a talk about what's troubling Sachi in the five-minute window before Kirito blacks out from the pain.
    Sachi: I'm terrified my lag is going to get me and everyone I love killed.
    Kirito: ...Well shit, I don't know how to mock that. OH GOD, that's never happened before!
    Sachi: Well, maybe this is something you don't need to mock?
    Kirito: Uh, okay, then what's the point of other people if not to mock them?
  • "And so they talked, all through the night, and slowly, Kirito began to see the error of his ways. And if that seems like a cop-out to you, congratulations! You get a cookie."
    Kirito: Wow, Sachi, you really opened my eyes! I've been such a jerk. Well no more, you're looking at a whole new Kirito! From now on, I'm going to be nicer and show people the compassion they deserve.
    Sachi: So... can we talk about my problems now...?
    Kirito: Urgh! No one cares!
    Sachi: Oh... Hey, I thought you said you were gonna black out from the pain?
    Kirito: Oh, yeah. Guess I'm just a lot tougher than I th— [eyes turn red and start sizzling] AAAAHHHHHHH
  • "Hey, crew, I know you guys have been working really hard, but I've got some good news! A-and some bad news. The good news is, we're in debt to the mob! No, wait, that's the bad news. Also, there is no good news."
  • Turns out Keita promised SAO's mafia that he could duplicate their rare items, only to learn that exploit got patched out.
    Kirito: So then why don't you just give back their item?
    Keita: Heh, well, here's the thing, I kinda sold it, and now...
    Larry: The bandits are coming!
    Keita: Precisely! But The Don says all will be forgiven if we replace the item!
    Kirito: Well, okay, that doesn't sound too—
    Keita: Here's the thing—
    Kirito: There it is.
    Keita: —it only drops on the 27th floor.
    Sachi: Is that a problem?
    Keita: Well, let me put it this way: take the most horrific, awful thing you can think of, and multiply it by cancer.
  • Kirito trying to be nicer. Trying.
    Kirito: Well, no offense, but that's the most— [looks to Sachi, then grits his teeth]probably fine idea I've ever heard!
    Keita: That's a weird way to phrase that.
    Kirito: Don't push me on this!!
  • Kirito notices the Obvious Trap in the dungeon almost instantly. Unfortunately, three-fifths of the team suffers from Artificial Stupidity.
    Kirito: Oh, wow. A single chest in an empty room. Yeah, this looks legit. Come on, guys, even we are not dumb enough to fall for this.
    (Gary promptly walks up to the chest and opens it)
    Kirito: (realizing instantly that This Is Gonna Suck) Sachi...? You set them to auto-loot, didn't you?
    Sachi: (apologetic) Yeah... I thought it would save time...
    (an alarm starts blaring and the room turns red)
    Kirito: Oh, yeah. We're sprinting to our deaths IN RECORD SPEED!
    Sachi: Well, it might be not be a trap. Maybe we just won a prize or something...
    Game AI: Deploying. Slaughternauts, and Murdergolems.
    Kirito: Wow, Slaughternauts and Murdergolems. It must be my birthday!!
    Sachi: (on verge of a Heroic BSoD) I thought you were gonna be nicer!
    Kirito: Baby steps!
  • After Sachi dies, the Narrator chimes in to reassure the viewer with, unexpected results:
  • Argo makes a voice-only cameo as the person who tells Kirito where to go to find the Christmas boss... and from the sound of it, he walked out on her without paying.
  • At this point BallsDe— er, Klein has had to correct others so often that his guildmates think "My name is Klein!" is how he says hello.
  • Klein and his guild come to introduce themselves to Kirito.
    BallsDeep69's Guild: My name is Klein!
    Kirito: Wow, that was freaky.
  • Why Kirito is out adventuring on Christmas Eve.
    Kirito: I've been having this weird pain in my chest, I was hoping this rare item might be able to fix it.
    Klein: Well that's strange. What do you think caused it?
    Kirito: Well, I suppose it started right after I watched my entire guild get slaughtered — I mean, I didn't take any damage, so that can't be it.
    Klein: [disgusted] Oh my GOD. [...] Kirito, you're not injured, you're sad that all your friends died.
    Kirito: Wow, I never even thought of it that way...
    Klein: Yeah! Big shock, you friggin' sociopath!
  • Kirito seeks out a rare item with the potential to Rez a fallen player.
    Narrator's Voiceover: And there, under that frosted fir tree, Kirito spotted the big man himself! Streaking through the snowy sky, on a sleigh full of Christmas cheer! The Patron Saint of Prostitutes
    [cut to live action]
    Jack Dapper: Look it up.It's true! 
    [cut back to the scene]
    Narrator's Voiceover: Old Saint Nick.
    [a huge "Santa" with blue-grey skin and red eyes lands in front of Kirito and twists his neck around with crackling noises]
    Nicholas the Renegade: NAAAAUUUGHTYYYY!
    [cut to live action]
    Jack Dapper: [staring in disbelief at the book] ...What the fu—?
  • By the end of the episode, Kirito has failed in his quest, but learned all sorts of life lessons.
    Kirito: [emotionless] But I do suppose I should thank you. You made me realize that by being nice and letting people in... they'll just die. [beat] But still, thank you for showing me that there is a part of me that can feel like this. Because now that I know where to find it, I've killed it forever. So thank you. Thank you for freeing me... Balls.
    Klein: No... no! You were so close! You were almost a person! [sobbing] You were so clo-ho-hose...
    Narrator's Voiceover: And so, they say, Kirito's heart grew three sizes that day! And immediately shrank six, imploding into a black hole from which no love could escape.
  • In The Stinger, the mob, defeated by "the legendary warrior, BallsDeep69," report back to their boss... Don Fluffles.

    Episode 4 
  • The episode opens with Rosalia trying to convince Silica to let her skin Pina so the former can improve her Leatherworking skill.
    Silica: I can't believe I have to explain why you can't skin my friend!
    Rosalia[Pet Skinner]: And I can't believe I have to explain why I need leather pants.
    Random Party Member: Come on, Silica. Leather pants!
  • When Silica asks Pina for another heal after getting hit by a mob of gorilla monsters, the dragon's cooldown dialogue is in Dovah-Zul, and he calls Silica Dovahkiin.
  • When Kirito saves Silica from the gorillas, we see him from her point of view: wreathed in roses and sparkles and with a deep, smooth, heroic voice... Before reality sets in.
    Dream Kirito: Are you unharmed, my lady?
    Silica: [awestruck] Wh-What?
    Real Kirito: I said: "Could ya stop staring at me?!" It's creepy!
  • Right after that, we get Kirito standing by awkwardly as Silica mourns Pina's "death" for almost a minute straight before trying to back off.
    Kirito: ... Well, I can see you've got your own thing goin' on here. Don't wanna intrude. I'll just find myself a spot that isn't full of crying children. Oh, look! There's one now.
    Silica: [sobbing] Aren't you gonna ask me what's wrong?
    Kirito: Yeah, I'm not pullin' the pin on that grenade.
  • Which immediately leads to this moment where Silica accidentally hits Kirito's Kindness Button to trigger his Chronic Hero Syndrome.
    Silica: [still crying] You're right. I'm sorry. This isn't your fault.
    [Kirito stands stock still as the background flashes back to Sachi's death from Episode 3, with her glitching as she repeats "your fault", before his mind shatters.]
    Kirito: [hoarsely] WHAT'S WRONG, LITTLE GIRL?!
  • Cue Silica (complete with grenade pin and explosion noise) spilling her entire life story to Kirito over the course of seven hours, to the point where he is repeatedly banging his head on the table at the inn before she stops, and has learned so much about her that he's unwillingly memorized what kind of crayons she liked to eat when she was four.
    Silica: I liked the purple ones.
    Kirito: Yeah, I know, "And the blue ones were too tart!" Urgh...
  • When Silica corrects Kirito that Pina is/was a dragon, and not a hamster:
    Kirito: Kid, no language on Earth has a word for how little I care. A quantum supercomputer calculating for a thousand years could not even approach the number of fucks I do not give. THE FRIGGIN' HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE COULD NOT—!!
  • Kirito has no intention of helping Silica revive Pina himself, until they bump into Rosalia.
    Rosalia: Oh, Kirito, is it? Are you her new teammate? That's adorable! It's so nice to see Silica found someone on her level.
    Kirito: Heheheh... What.
    Rosalia: Oh-no-no, it's cute! I love the whole "tough guy" persona you've got going on there. Very convincing. I'm sure you'll have no problem clearing the Hill of Memories.
    Silica: Actually, Kirito said he's not—
    Kirito: (through his teeth) C'mon, Silica. We've got a hamster to save...
  • Shortly after they arrive at the Hill of Memories...
    Kirito: So... random question: you didn't hear anything... weird last night... did you?
    Silica: Erm...
    [cut to last night where Silica is kept awake by Kirito bawling about Sachi's death]
    Silica: Er. Not definitively not. I'm like a super heavy sleeper so...
    Kirito: Haha! Good... good, yeah, [ahem] sleep is.. sleep is good.
    Silica: So... who's Sachi?
    Kirito: I KNEW IT!!!
  • And Silica immediately gets grabbed by a big mutant plant monster.
    Kirito: Just stay calm. You already have everything you need to beat it.
    Silica: The power to believe in myself?
    Kirito: No, a knife! Stab it!
    Silica: Oh, right.
    [Silica kills the monster]
  • Kirito suggests that Silica should stay behind him, as she's so low-level she's aggroing every monster in the dungeon.
    Silica: Oh, don't worry about me, Kirito. I can take care of myself!
    [Silica walks three steps and is immediately attacked by another monster]
    Silica: [offscreen] AAAAAAAAAAAAH! KIRITO!
    Kirito: [sighs] This is gonna be my whole day, isn't it?
  • After acquiring a flower, Silica believes that they have what they need to resurrect Pina, but Kirito explains that there is more to the quest line than that:
    Kirito: Alright, one down!
    Silica: Yay! ...Wait, what do you mean?
    Kirito: Well, I mean, we gonna need like 50 more of those suckers, then we trade them back in town for a gem, which we give to this gatekeeper, so he'll allow us into another dungeon where we fight a series of bosses to get the real flower.
    Silica: That's insane! Who'd design a game this way?!
    Kirito: You don't play a lot of RPGs, do you?
  • Rosalia tries to ambush Kirito and Silica by hiding behind a tree. Unfortunately for her, her player name pokes out at both sides of the tree:
    Kirito: Wait... Hold on Silica. Do mine eyes deceive me? (as the music starts to swell) 'Tis the fabled Word Tree of Gammagorath: font of human knowledge and devourer of souls. Quickly, child! We must spirit away before it— (music cuts out) Oh, my god! Would you just come out already?
    Rosalia: (walks out from behind the tree) Ah, your detecting skill must be quite high to know I was here!
  • Kirito thought Rosalia was part of Laughing Coffin, and isn't impressed when she introduces herself as the leader of Titan's Hand.
    Rosalia: Laugh all you want, we're still one of the most feared orange guilds on the lower floors!
    Kirito: Oooh, impressive! You can frighten players who think slimes are terrifying.
    Silica: Have you seen their eyes?! They have no souls!
  • Rosalia attempts a Breaking Speech of Kirito. But for the most part it falls rather flat as Kirito is largely unable to feel any real shame.
    Rosalia: Ah, so quick with the snark. Of course that's the only thing you really have going on, isn't it? A witty retort to distract anyone from what you really are. A sad, lonely little boy, with no one who loves him. Someone so dead inside, he'd use a child as bait to lure me out.
    Silica: Mr. Kirito would never do something so horrible!
    Kirito: (completely unashamed) Nah, she's right, I totally did that.
    Silica: WHAT!?
  • The most effective part of Rosalia's Breaking Speech?
    Rosalia: But there's one thing this game will never let you hide, the one thing that's haunted you your whole life, that you can never escape — you sound like a girl.
    Kirito: Haha, what? No, I don't sound like a gir... that's crazy! THAT'S CRAZY!! [laughs hysterically]
  • By the end of Kirito's Badass Boast, one of the Mooks is sobbing in terror.
  • Rosalia managing to get in a good "Facing the Bullets" One-Liner.
    Rosalia: Enjoy this while you can, it's the deepest you'll ever be in a woman. (explodes into pixels)
    Kirito: Yeah, well, you're dead, so... damn it!
  • In the aftermath, when Silica asks how Kirito is doing after killing Rosalia, he declares that he's gone "cold turkey" on feelings.
    Silica: What?! You can't just do that! What's the point of living if you can't feel happiness? Wonder? Love?
    Kirito: ...Or the sweet taste of revenge! You're right, Silica! What's the point of living if I can't enjoy such simple things?
    Silica: Ugh, close enough.
    Kirito: You're a good friend, Silica. We should go on more adventures.
    Silica: Um... I don't think so. Don't take this the wrong way, Mr. Kirito, I'm grateful for your help, but... you are, like, the worst person I've ever met.
    Kirito: So that's your plan, here? Make me feel feelings so you can cut me down a peg? That cuts deep, kid... and I respect that.
    Silica: Yeah, that's kind of the problem...

    Episode 5 
  • During the opening, Kirito is the one to object to using NPCs as bait during the battle against Sheeptar, until...
    Kirito: Whoa, whoa, whoa! We can't just go around sacrificing NPCs! Some of my best friends have been NPCs.
    Asuna: That makes way too much sense...
    Gary: [offscreen] We must save my family!
    Kirito: Ya see?! Some of 'em even have fa-a-a-a-a... Gary. Excuse me, I have to go say "hi" to an old friend, won't be a minute. [offscreen] Hey, Gary, long time no see!
    Gary: We must save my family—AGGHHH!!
    Kirito: [stabbing Gary over and over] YEAH! Betcha didn't expect to see me again, did'ja, punk?!
    Gary: WE MUST SAVE MY FAMIL—AGH!!
    Kirito: [still stabbing him] YOU LEFT US TO DIE, YOU BASTARD!!! THIS IS FOR SACHI! CHOKE ON IT! CHOKE ON MY VENGEANCE! HOW DOES IT TASTE?! AH-HA HAHA HAHA!
    Klein: [visibly unnerved] Yeah, you know what, maybe he has a point. This is super uncomfortable.
    • Everyone in the party is quietly freaked out during all this... except Asuna.
  • Asuna's description of the fight against "goddamn Sheeptar:"
    Asuna: It was great! You should've been there! He was climbin' the walls, spittin' acid—
    Kirito: We're still talking about a sheep, right? Not, like, a fluffy Xenomorph?
    Asuna: It's a really stupid boss!
    Kirito: Apparently not that stupid if it managed to kill seven of you.
    Asuna: [sighing] Twelve now, actually...
  • Kirito and Asuna spend nearly the entire episode bickering, especially after she learns Kirito missed the boss fight because he was "power-leveling my Alchemy by eating some weird plants."
    • Stoned Kirito in general is this.
      Kirito: Asuna, Asuna, Asuna, look, okay, I get it. You had a really bad day. You're stressed out, seven people died—
      Asuna: TWELVE PEOPLE!
      Kirito: Not the point. Look, they're dead now. And really, whose fault is that?
      Asuna: YOURS!!
      Kirito: That's right — no one's. So why don't you lie down, relax, and watch the stars with me?
      Asuna: It's two in the afternoon! There are no stars!
      Kirito: Only if you're looking with your eyes.
      Asuna: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!
      Kirito: Only one way to find out...
      Asuna: [beat] You'd better come down soon so I can kick your teeth in.
  • Asuna's reaction when she wakes up from a nap to see Kirito smirking at her is to go for her weapon.
    Kirito: Hey, sleepy-head~! How was your—? [yelps and quickly takes cover behind a fence as Asuna draws her sword.]
    Asuna: Tell me what you did, right now, and you may live!
    Kirito: [peeping out from behind the fence] Idrewwhiskersonyourface!
    Asuna: ...What.
    Kirito: I drew cat whiskers on your face! I thought it would be funny and it was!
    Asuna: Is... is that all?
    Kirito: Um, yeah? You were asleep, what else would I have done?
    Asuna: [sputtering] Well... I... I-I mean... you know! You-you could've...
  • Kirito and Asuna's snark-off at the restaurant named "Restaurant":
    Asuna: Oh, my god. Are you really going to complain about a free meal? [sighs] Serves me right for trying to do something nice for you.
    Kirito: Yeah, remind me to draw on your face more often, I'll eat like a king... Or, at least, a very wealthy janitor.
    Asuna: This coming from the guy who eats random plants from off the ground?
    Kirito: Oh, really? Who is dumber, me or the one who takes a nap next to some crazed drug fiend?
    Asuna: Need I remind you that you were that drug fiend?
    Kirito: Pfft. I can't held responsible for Stoned Kirito! That guy's an idiot!
    Asuna: Are you kidding me!? You're the same person!
  • Kirito reacts to seeing a man hanging... by making piñata jokes.
    Kirito: Hey man! When you pop, could you try to send some candy over this way?
    • When the man apparently dies from his injury:
      Kirito: Once again, Asuna, you can't die in a safe zone. It must have been an event or a prank, someone messing with an NPC.
      Asuna: [obviously sarcastic] Oh, yeah. That's a real hilarious prank!
      Kirito: I know, right?! I'm kinda sad I didn't think of it.
  • Asuna gets on Kirito's case for getting involved in this supposed murder mystery purely to prove that he was right about players not being able to die in a safe zone.
    Asuna: Wow, how noble of you.
    Kirito: Oh, spare me, Wonder Woman, you're only doing this to prove I was wrong.
    Asuna: Hey, at least I pretend to be nice to people!
    Kirito: Yeah, whatever— wait, "pretend"?
  • The mere fact that Agil (well, Tiffany) is now voiced by Octopimp... using his Nagisa voice.
    • All of Asuna's interactions with Agil/Tiffany when they go to have him appraise Guilty Thorn.
      [Upon seeing Asuna, Tiffany pulls Kirito behind the counter.]
      Tiffany: What's the matter with you?! Why would you bring her here? I thought we were friends!
      Kirito: What? I don't understand, what's the problem?
      Asuna: Hey, T-Dawg, what is up in dis' hizz-ouse?
      [beat, followed by blubbering noises from behind the counter]
      Tiffany: [to Kirito] Are you cryin'?!
      Kirito: [trying not to laugh] There's just so much beauty in the world, you know?
    • Followed by this exchange, after explaining the situation:
      Asuna: So dat's da sitch. Think ya can scope da deets on dis gat for us, homie?
      [beat]
      Tiffany: [trying not to lose his temper] Sure thing, Kirito. Anything for a friend.
      Asuna: Um, but, I'm da one dat asked you, Chocolate Rain. T-Pain? Why you ignorin' me, bro? You got cotton in yer earsOH GOD, I-I-I didn't mean it like that!
      Kirito: I'm really sorry, Tiff'. Grand Wizard Asuna here's not what you'd call a "people person."
      Asuna: Um, excuse me?! Mr. Kettle, Mr. Pot called. He says you're blaaaaaaa... [Beat] -ck.
      Tiffany: What? It's a turn of phrase, it has got nothing to do with race.
      Asuna: I'm sorry! It's just, you look like a very angry black man.
      Tiffany: Okay, now you see that? That was racist.
      Kirito: [with a shit-eating grin] Ah, this is great, see? We're learnin' stuff. But in all seriousness, Tiff', could'ja check out this weapon before Asuna starts a full-on race war?
    • Kirito decides to test out Guilty Thorn to see how dangerous it is.
      Asuna: What the hell are you doing?!
      Kirito: Well clearly, I'm stabbing myself with this sword to see if it kills me— Oh god, what am I doing?!
    • And this moment, when they decide it'd be best for them to leave Guilty Thorn with Tiffany.
      Asuna: Here, T-Fizzle, you take it.
      Tiffany: Ah, handin' the black man a murder weapontale as old as time.
  • Kirito and Asuna spend so much time bickering during their "investigation" that Yolko has to remind them that they're supposed to be asking questions.
  • Upon learning that Schmit was one of the few people from the Golden Apple guild that voted to keep the item, they go to check on him, as he's most likely the next target. There, they find out he used to review video-games in the real world, and has been reduced to a paranoid wreck in Aincrad, fearing his more... "verbose" commenters are going to make good on their threats.
    Schmitt: I used to laugh at their comments! You hear me? LAUGH! But now, what if they actually do chop off my limbs, rip out my intestines, and ride me like some sort of meat toboggan?!
    Kirito: Ya hear that, Asuna? "Meat-Toboggan." Try gettin' that image outta your head. Grippin' his entrails like the reins of Santa's sleigh [The sound of sleigh-bells can be heard], streaking through the fresh morning snow on a trail of bile and gore, as his eyes beg the same question as horrified children in his wake: "Why?"
    Schmitt: OH GOD!
    • Intentional or not, Schmitt sounds an awful lot like Markiplier.
  • Kirito's snarktastic response to Yolko's rants about Griselda's ghost as the party responsible for Caynz' murder.
    Yolko: Wait, no, that can't be it. Caynz was killed in a safe-zone, Grimlock couldn't be the killer.
    Kirito: THANK YOU! Finally, a voice of reaso—
    Yolko: IT MUST BE GRISELDA'S GHOST! SHE'S RETURNED FROM BEYOND THE VEIL OF DEATH TO WREAK BLOODY VENGEANCE UPON US ALL!!
    Kirito: ...Did I say "reason?" Sorry, I meant "the screaming monkeys that live in her brain."
    • Followed by this:
      Asuna: Settle down, you two. I think we can safely assume a ghost is not the culprit here, right Kirito?
      Kirito: Of course not. Obviously, it was a hit by the mermaid mafia paid in leprechaun gold. But who was the puppet-master? The unicorns? No, they've had a feud going with the mermaids for years...
      Asuna: DAMN IT, KIRITO! This is serious!

    Episode 6 
  • When Kirito attempts to pursue Yolko's killer via leaping out the window after them, he misjudges the distance to the next roof crashes through a window on the adjacent building. Then, judging from the sounds of it, he crashes through the floor of said room and lands in a chicken coop (somehow)... And then he is chased by dogs.
    Kirito: AW, COME ON!
  • Asuna's not impressed when Kirito admits the bad guy got away.
    Asuna: Really? I figured some random perp would be no match for the world's greatest detective — oh wait, no, that's Batman! And you're not Batman, are you? You will never be Batman.
    Kirito: HEY, FUCK YOU!! [beat, clears throat] That, uh, cut surprisingly deep. Well done.
  • Kirito is doubly surprised when Asuna gives him a sandwich.
    Kirito: You made this? But wouldn't you have had to—
    Asuna: [cheerfully] If you say "open the menu," I'm gonna stab you in the eye.
  • When Asuna explodes at Kirito after he says that he figured the entire mystery out hours ago, he drops his sandwich she made for him and it disintegrates, which gives us this little gem:
    Kirito: [distraught] My sandwich... [falls to his knees] It was innocent!
    [beat]
    Asuna: [concerned] Kirito, are you gonna—
    Kirito: [still staring at the ground] SSHH! I must grieve.
  • Schmitt attempts to barter for his life with "Griselda's ghost(s)" by offering to give them human scalps, and when that fails he assumes that they want the blood of orphans, and asks if they prefer them pre-drained or if they like to do it themselves. When they tell him to stop, one of the ghosts exclaiming, "Jesus Christ!", he assumes they want the orphans crucified. Even when they reveal themselves to be Caynz and Yolko, he still assumes they're ghosts and continues down the orphan blood path.
    Kains: Oh, for the love of, WE'RE NOT GHOSTS ! [...] Seriously Schmitt, how many people would you have killed if we'd asked you to?
    Schmitt: Thaaat's not important.
    Kains: I DISAGREE!
  • The Laughing Coffin member who ambushes Schmitt recognizes him from his gaming show, Piece of Schmitt Games.
    Yolko: Please tell me that's not what you called your show...
    Laughing Coffin Hitman: Oh, this is great! I'm a huge fan. Tell me, do you remember a user by the name of... Johnny... Black?
    Schmitt: ...Meat-toboggan!
  • When Laughing Coffin's leader shows up and in a growling voice starts quoting Judges 15:16 note , Yolko and company understandably don't get it, while one of the PKers just sighs in exasperation.
    PoH/Jeffrey: [dropping the Badass Baritone] What?!
    Johnny Black: It, it's nothing, forget it.
    Jeffrey: No, no, you sighed! That's not nothing!
    Johnny Black: Boss, I get what you're going for: Bible-quoting serial killer. It's a great motif, classic. But ... it's a big book, they aren't all gonna be gems.
    Jeffrey: Okay big-shot, name one verse that's scarier than that.
    Johnny Black: Oh, I don't know, how about "No flesh shall be spared"?
    Jeffrey: WHAT?!
    Johnny Black: "No flesh shall be spared." Mark 13:20?
    Jeffrey: Holy shit, that's in the Bible?!
    Johnny Black: Have... you ever actually read the Bible?
    Jeffrey: Look, we're getting off track. I'm the guild leader, and I say my verse was better.
    Johnny Black: Look, it's not just about the verse, okay. Don't you think the whole "Jesus tells me to kill" thing is... holding us back? Plus, you're not even all that good at it.
    Jeffrey: How dare you?! The J-Man's teachings inform everything I do!
  • Kirito ends up driving off Laughing Coffin... by inspiring them to be better killers-for-hire.
    PoH: The Lord has ordered these sinners dead! ...In the form of a guy who paid us fifty bucks.
    Kirito: Fifty bucks?! Selling yourself a bit cheap, don't you think? You guys provide an essential, in-demand service, and you're definitely the leaders in your field. You're Laughing Coffin! I mean, you gotta cash in on that name recognition!
    Johnny Black: That's what I keep telling him! But the high-paying clients won't touch us! They take one look at Reverend Killjoy over here and think we're a bunch of crazy people!
    Kirito: Exactly. You could reach a much wider demo if you just tone down the religious theme. What you guys need is a total rebranding: ad campaign, PR blast, get your faces out there! Let people know you're not just about the fire and brimstone — you are multifaceted, three-dimensional killing machines, and you have got a little something for everyone. Because contract killing... is a beat we can all dance to.
    Johnny Black: Ohhh man, I got chills...
    PoH: You've given us much to think about, young man. As payment, the lives of these sinners are now yours to command. But just know, it is by grace that you have been saved. Through faith, and not by works.
    Johnny Black: Hey, that one was actually pretty good, Jeff.
    PoH/Jeffrey: Thanks, Jesus told me to say it!
  • Kirito explains how he saw through Yolko's deception:
    Yolko: But like I said in the hotel room: A ghost wouldn't have to follow the rules of a game. How did you realize I was lying?
    Kirito: Ah, well, that part was quite simple. You see, I'm not an idiot.
    Kains: Yep, that'd do it...
    Yolko: Shut up, Kains! I thought it was clever...
  • And then his mental process while attempting to pursue that "ghost."
    Kirito: As I watched them get away, my first thought was, "Why would a ghost need a teleport crystal?" My second thought was, "Oh shit, window."
    Flashback!Kirito: SHIT! (glass shattering)
  • Kirito's confident Schmitt wasn't in on Yolko and Kains' scheme.
    Kirito: Right, as if anyone would let that moron in on a conspiracy. A friggin' land mine deals with pressure better than him, and would kill fewer people!
    Schmitt: Hey!
  • Kains has some questions for this amateur sleuth. And his co-conspirator, for that matter.
    Kains: Right, look, you seem to have put a lot of thought into this—
    Kirito: Well, someone had to.
    Kains: But, this whole thing leaves me with one question: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!
    Yolko: I'm sorry, Kains, I entangled him in our web of lies.
    Kains: WHYYYY?!
    Yolko: Well, I mean, it was very important that he, um... huh.
  • On dramatic entrances and missed cues.
    Kains: There are no other suspects!
    Kirito: Oh, I wouldn't say that... isn't that right, Grimlock?
    Yolko: [gasps, swoons]
    [long beat]
    Kirito: I said, isn't that right, Grimlock!
    Yolko: ...Gasp?
    Kirito: Ugh. I SAID—
    Asuna: Dammit, Kirito, we're coming!
  • Kains continues to rant when Asuna shows up with Grimlock in tow, and explains how she knew where to find them — Yolko never deleted Asuna from her Friends list.
    Kains: We've been planning this... for six months... and you forgot to delete your FRIENDS LIST?!
    Yolko: I'm sorry! I kept having trouble with the menu!
    Kains: Are you kidding me?! A child could figure it out!
    Kirito: [suppresses a laugh]
    Asuna: Shutty.
  • Kirito proves Schmitt's innocence in the most unflattering way possible.
    Kirito: Well then, you must think Schmitt was skilled enough to have killed Griselda one-on-one, or perhaps smart enough to catch her unawares?
    Kains: ....Oh my god, Schmitt's not the killer.
    Schmitt: Aw, come on!
    Kains: So then why the hell were you apologizing to Griselda?
    Schmitt: Hey, people threatened to kill me for giving Pokémon V&R a 7 out of 10! At this point, I've learned to just assume the position...
  • After hearing the killer's Motive Rant, Kirito lays into him for murdering his wife because she wouldn't Stay in the Kitchen, but the guy isn't really affected by Kirito's epic "The Reason You Suck" Speech. Then Asuna interrupts.
    Asuna: Hold it, Kirito. I've got something I've been holding in for a while. Grimlock... that hat makes you look like a HIPSTER!
    Grimlock: [gasps and falls to his knees] No! NO! It can't be true!
    Kirito: What?! No! Bullshit! I had to go into a dark place to pull out that masterpiece! It was full of emotions that scare and confuse me. [to the killer] Now come on, get up, we're doing this again, and this time you're not gonna fold just because that hat makes you look like John Lennon joined the mafia!
    Grimlock: [completely broken] Oh GOD!
    Kirito: See? There's no challenge in it. [sighs] Verbal abuse, man, it's a lost art...
  • When everything is wrapped up:
    Kains: Look, Kirito, I know we didn't start off on the best foot, but I suppose we'd be dead if it wasn't for you, so... thanks.
    Kirito: [choking up] You guys were the best slaves a boy could have!
    Kains: Fuck it! I tried! You all saw it!
  • "We're gonna make sure you get the help you need, buddy... behind this tree."
  • Asuna and Kirito have a heartwarming little talk in which Asuna admits that it was nice to see Kirito has a sensitive side... all while Grimlock is screaming as he's being beaten to death on the other side of a tree.
    Asuna: Dammit, Kirito! I'm trying to be nice and have a moment here! Which isn't easy with some people being SO LOUD!
    Kains: [offscreen] Sorry, Asuna, we're just about done here!
    Grimlock: [offscreen] Wait, no no no NO NO NO— [Sickening "Crunch!", shatters]
    Asuna: Ah, that's better.
  • Kirito and Asuna see Griselda's ghost appears to thank them for bringing her justice. Their reaction is to throw a knife at her and run away screaming, while she sighs in frustration.
    Asuna: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!
    Kirito: I DON'T KNOW! JUST RUN! RUN!!!
  • The Stinger has the grand reopening of the Kirito is Always Right Foundation, complete with confetti. Predictably, it gets him stabbed in the eye with a fork by Asuna.
    • Followed by the Something Witty Entertainment Logo has a fork sticking out of it's eye.
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    Episode 7 
  • Meet Lizbeth the blacksmith.
    Asuna: Thanks, Liz! You do such great work. I don't know why we don't spend more time together.
    Lizbeth: Because I refuse to leave the safety of my shop, and you keep selfishly declining my offers to stay with me and live in my closet like some adorable bogeyman.
    Asuna: ...Oh, right! Knew it was something.
  • When Lizbeth notices Asuna's wearing earrings.
    Lizbeth: Trying to impress a master swordsman, eh? Get him to plant his enchanted sword in your cave of wonders, do battle with the fearsome dragon within?
    Asuna: What the hell is the dragon in that metaphor?
    Lizbeth: [happily] Chlamydia.
    Asuna: Aaaand we're done here.
    Lizbeth: Wait, don't go! I need details, woman! I live vicariously through you! Your sex life is my sex life!
  • Lizbeth shoots down Asuna's suggestion of leaving her shop to meet people, insisting that she meets various nice people from where she is. As if on cue:
    Kirito: (from offscreen) Hello?! Is anyone here? CAN I GET SOME GODDAMN SERVICE?
    Kirito: (still offscreen) You have exactly thirty seconds before I burn this place to the ground! ONE... TWO... (Liz sighs) THREE...
  • Kirito's order for Lizbeth:
    Kirito: I need a sword that's as good or better than this one. I used to have one that fit the bill buuut— [shot of Ghost!Griselda with a sword through her while Kirito runs away screaming]NOW I DON'T. And that is the end of that story.
    Lizbeth: Wow, An Elucidator!? This is the gnarliest sword you can get from a monster drop!
    Kirito: I'm sorry, did you just say "gnarliest?"
  • When Kirito tests the durability of Lizbeth's masterpiece on his own sword and breaks it, she has this to say:
    Lizbeth: Why would you do that?! That sword was my baby! Would you do that to someone else's baby?!
    Kirito: You mean would I slam a baby into another baby to test its durability? No, that's not something I would typically do.
  • Lizbeth agrees to make a replacement sword for Kirito, but it'll take a rare ingredient.
    Kirito: Alright, tell me where to find it, I'll make a milk run.
    Lizbeth: Oh, don't think it'll be that easy! It's hidden in the mountains of Floor 55, guarded by a level 99 elite dragon.
    Kirito: Oooh, scary.
    Lizbeth: And good luck even finding it, because the metal won't even spawn unless you're partied with a master... blacksmith... oh no.
  • Why is Kirito handling the cold of the mountains better than Lizbeth?
    Kirito: Well, you see, I equipped this great new mountaineering item called PANTS!
  • Boss room strategy and mental scars.
    Kirito: Now, get your teleport crystal ready and hide over there until I finish off the dragon.
    Lizbeth: What?! Are you nuts?! You can't fight that thing alone!
    Kirito: DO IT, SACHI!! [beat, then with false cheer] Alright, uh, so we're just gonna pretend that didn't happen, okay? Okay. Okay? Okay.
  • Boss battle teamwork.
    Lizbeth: Look out, it's a breath attack!
    Kirito: What?! [blasted]
    Lizbeth: Kirito! Oh thank God, I thought you were toast! Why didn't you dodge it?!
    Kirito: Oddly enough, I was a little distracted!
    Lizbeth: Really? By wh— BREATH ATTACK!
    Kirito: What?! NO— [blasted]
  • "DAMMIT, LIZ, YOU HAD ONE JOB!"
  • After they're both at the bottom of an icy pit and realize they can't teleport out.
    Kirito: Oh good, that's really what the day needed, dying cold and alone in a pit!
    Lizbeth: Well, you're not alone. I'm still here.
    Kirito: And the good news just keeps coming!
    Lizbeth: Look, do you wanna keep giving me shit, or do you wanna work out a way out of here?
    Kirito: Oh, don't think I can't do both. I am quite the multitasker.
  • Kirito attempts to run vertically out of a pit. For a second, he looks cool... and then he proceeds to fall spectacularly, letting out Goofy's "AAAH HOO HOO HOOEY!" scream, before leaving an Impact Silhouette in the snow.
    Kirito: [climbing out of the hole] Were the sound effects really necessary, Kayaba?
    [sad trombone fanfare plays]
    Kirito: Oh, fuck you!
  • Lizbeth trying to tell Kirito her tragic backstory makes him devolve into first chanting, then screaming "no" over and over again as she goes on, talking over him. At the end, his pupils are tiny and he's tearing up while still chanting "no" over and over again.
  • Lizbeth's Longing Look at Kirito being taken Up to Eleven with film noir style narration, visual filter and Sexophone.
    Lizbeth: As I awoke from my slumber, I found a stranger with a guarded heart digging through the snow with solemn determination, his muscles glistening in the morning light. Deep within me stirred feelings that I have not felt in many moons. It was at that moment that I learned, the temperature of the hear— What am I doing?! Stop it, STOP IT!
  • Kirito passes Lizbeth the rare "metal" they're questing for, and she's Squicked when she learns it's actually crystallized dragon crap.
    Kirito: Relax, you're wearing virtual gloves, over virtual hands, holding something that came out of a virtual — not to mention mythical — creature.
  • When they're launched into the air during their escape, Liz takes in the sunrise and starts gushing about how she never would've seen such a sight if she'd stayed in her shop all the time. Kirito is a bit more on-task, though.
    Kirito: Liz, I am super-jazzed about this emotional breakthrough you're apparently having, but do you think we could put in on pause for, I dunno, two minutes?!
    Lizbeth: [hugs him in freefall] Thank you, Kirito! For everything!
    Kirito: Liz? Liz, grab the [teleport] crystal! Grab the crystal, Liz! GRAB THE CRYSTAL! GRABTHECRYSTAL!!
  • What forging is like in this series. For Liz, it's a combination of Guitar Hero, Space Invaders, and the galaxy-sized mech battle from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, all set to "Big Blast Sonic." Meanwhile all Kirito sees is Lizbeth tapping the metal every other second.
  • Lizbeth starts reaching for Kirito's hand and Asuna instantly bursts into her shop. What follows manages to be both chilling and funny:
    Asuna: OH, MY GOD, LIZ! I was so worried!
    Lizbeth: (confused) Asuna...?
    (Asuna violently hugs Lizbeth)
    Asuna: (quietly, with clear ice-cold fury in her voice) What the hell did you think you were doing back there?
    (creepy music starts playing)
    Lizbeth: What?! I don't—
    Asuna: Shh, shh, shh... No talking, just listening. Because you're my friend, I'm giving you one warning: Kirito is off. Limits. If I see you try something like that again, I will come for you. And you of all people know how sharp my blade is. Are we clear?
    Lizbeth: (meekly) Yeee...
    Asuna: I said, "no talking."
    Lizbeth: (whimpers)
    Asuna: That's a good girl. And now, playing along in 3, 2, 1... (loudly, as she finally breaks the hug) I'm so glad you're okay! When I couldn't find you on the map I got so worried!
    (a scared Lizbeth runs away, crying in terror)
    Asuna: (obviously feigning obliviousness) Liz? Oh, no. Where are you going?
  • Once again, Kirito is comforting a young woman next to a waterway.
    Kirito: God, what is it with you women and crying under bridges? You're like trolls.
  • When Lizbeth asks how Kirito found her after she ran away crying, he points up to a bell tower where you can see a synchronization point stick out with an eagle resting on it, while the Leap of Faith sound effect plays.
  • Kirito maybe sort of tries to comfort Lisbeth after Asuna threatens her.
    Kirito: Look, I don't know what Asuna said to you, but I'm guessing it was pretty messed up, and possibly — eh, probably racist. What gives you pink hair and freckles anyway? Did like, your Irish dad get his dick stuck in a cotton candy machine? Truly, theirs was a love that could never be. I'd see that movie. Sorry, what was I talking about?
    Lizbeth: You were apologizing?
    Kirito: That doesn't sound like me...
  • Kirito declares he'll be calling his new sword "The Piece of Shit... DRAGON Shit, That Is!" With Lizbeth's name and contact information in the description, so everyone knows who created such a piece of shit.
    Lisbeth: [chuckling] God, you're such an asshole!
    Kirito: See, that sounds more like me.
    Lisbeth: I can't believe I wanted to sleep with you.
    Kirito: [laughing] Yeah. Bet you'd feel pretty stupid— WAIT, WHAT?! WHEN WAS THAT ON THE TABLE!?!

    Episode 8 
  • Kirito's response when he learns Asuna has maxed out her cooking skill.
    Kirito: And feminism marches on...
    • Meanwhile Tiffany's in the background complaining that Asuna's back in his store.
      Tiffany: [muttered] What do I gotta do, put salt lines in front of the door?
  • Asuna's bodyguard, Kuradeel, is described by Kirito as looking "like Voldemort got caught in a grease fire."
    • Kirito also jokingly refers to Kuradeel as Asuna's boyfriend the first time he spots him following her around.
      Asuna: URRGH! No! Kuradeel is just my bodyguard!
      Kuradeel: (with a clear note of long-suffering in his voice) Could you maybe sound a little less offended? I'm right here.
  • Kirito jokingly suggests he and Asuna make a date of cooking the Ragout Rabbit, and to his surprise...
    Asuna: So, is it a date or not?
    Kirito: Wait, you were serious? I kind of thought you were just
    Asuna: [grabs Kirito by the collar and gives him a Death Glare] Then let me be clear. Tonight. My place. Six o'clock. I'll cook us a nice dinner. It will be a magical evening. Sound good?
    Kirito: [scared] Okay! Yeah, that sounds lovely! [aside] Why do I feel like I'm being mugged...?
    Asuna: [lets go of Kirito and does a Fist Pump] All right! ...I mean, you know, whatever, that's cool.
  • Tiffany wants in on this epic meal, and Kirito is willing to share.
    Kirito: Sure, buddy. Just drop by Asuna's place. We'll save you a plate!
    Tiffany: That's... that's not fair. That's not fair!
    [cut to Kirito, Asuna and Kuradeel walking away from Tiff's shop]
    Tiffany: [muffled] THAT'S! NOT! FAIR!
    Kirito: [chuckles]
  • Kirito is surprised (and a bit creeped out) to see that Asuna lives in a fairly nice looking house. Even the subtitles describe Asuna's behavior when Kirito comes to visit as "eerily happy."
    Asuna: Kirito? Hi! Come on in! How are you?
    Kirito: Okay, stop that.
    Asuna: I'm sorry?
    Kirito: This thing you're doing where you seem genuinely happy to see me. I was half-expecting to find a suspiciously sound-proof warehouse on the outskirts of town with a shallow grave out back, but somehow this is more unsettling.
  • Kirito, while suspicious of Asuna's intentions, gets his train of thought derailed when she walks in wearing short shorts and an apron.
    Kirito: There's no telling what she might be plaaaaaaaaaaaa
    Asuna: So, you gonna put your sword away before dinner?
    Kirito: SHIT, YOU CAN SEE THAT?! Oh, you meant... NEVERMIND!
  • The S-class, master-cooked meal comes out of the oven with an overpowering golden glow.
    Kirito: My God! IT'S BEAUTIFULLLL—
    Subtitles: And then it's Heaven in a little green pot
    • Afterward, he and Asuna can only groan in satisfaction. Asuna's is noticeably longer, and is followed by a golden fairy dust burp.
  • Both Kirito and Asuna agree, they never saw Griselda's ghost.
  • Asuna forcing Kirito into her party at knifepoint:
    Kirito: [nervously] Okay! Okay! Just be cool. We're all friends here... [presses accept button]
    Asuna: [pulls the knife away and starts twirling it around instead] There. Was that so hard? ...Fricking drama queen.
    Kirito: You put a knife in my face! I say that's an ADEQUATE AMOUNT OF DRAMA!!
    Asuna: Oh please, it's not the first time I've done that.
    Kirito: THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER!!!
  • When Asuna stumbles coming out of a portal and lands on top of him, Kirito accidentally grabs a boob. Predictably, she punches him in retaliation, he goes flying and hits a column, and the popup that should say "Immortal Object" instead says "Distance: 15m, New Record!"
    • Our protagonist's completely deadpan and aware of whats about to happen "Oh, shi—"
  • More abuse for Kuradeel, Asuna's long-suffering bodyguard/clingy stalker, whom Kirito calls "a half-melted Troll doll," then "Skeletor."
    Kuradeel: What did you call me?
    Kirito: Not a fan of that one? I have others. How about... [smirks] you look like Benjamin Button fucked an old catcher's mitt! Like four inches of face stretched over twelve inches of skull! Like a moldy jack-o-lantern that some frat guy barfed in and then crushed against his forehead because he was super drunk and thought it was a beer can and immediately regretted every single life choice he ever made!
    Kuradeel: ENOUGH! How dare you mock me in such a manner!
    Kirito: Well, how would you like me to mock you, then? I take requests!
  • In the aftermath, Asuna admits that she manipulated Kirito into doing her dirty work just to avoid the embarrassment of having a guild Vice Commander beat down her own underlings.
    Kirito: So you just used me? Like a tool?!
    Asuna: Well, it's not like I keep you around for your brains.
    [Kirito splutters]
    Asuna: Look, don't sweat the details, 'kay, sweet-cheeks? I'll buy you something pretty when we get home.
    Kirito: Hey! Don't walk away from me! There's a person attached to this sword, you know! I will not be objectified!
  • Later in a dungeon, Kirito suggests they break for lunch, only for Asuna to reveal she brought sandwiches.
    Kirito: Ohmygod! Iloveyou!
    Asuna: [stares at Kirito in wide-eyed surprise] W-what?
    Kirito: Ehhh, nothing, just hand it over!
    [Asuna gives a disappointed whine]
    • Unfortunately, even with Asuna's maxed-out cooking skill, the results still taste like she "dipped a dog turd in Cool Ranch." Which means, after that Ragout Rabbit they had for dinner the night before...
      Kirito: My God... we Flowers for Algernon'ed our tastebuds?!
  • Klein spots the two eating lunch and comes to a conclusion.
    Klein: So, you and Asuna, huh? What's the story there? Plan on showing her your "sword skills," if you know what I mean?
    Kirito: [laughs nervously]
    Asuna: [false smile] Yeah, Kirito, I think we'd all like to hear the answer to that.
    [a company of warriors marches up]
    Kirito: Hey, look! Literally anything else! Let's pay attention to it!
  • Corvatz turns out to be a Latino The Neidermeyer with Spanish guitar accompanying all his lines.
    Asuna: I didn't know we were playing on an international server.
    ALF Red Shirt 1: We're not! He's from freaking Nagano!
    ALF Red Shirt 2: He found an item that punctuates his sentences with Spanish guitar! He's just really dedicated to the effect.
  • The great Corvatz dismisses Kirito's offer to go home and let the "big kids" handle the dungeon boss.
    Corvatz: Nonsense! We are too close to give up now! My men do not even know the meaning of the word "surrender!"
    ALF Red Shirt: But we're willing to learn!
  • Once they chase Corvatz's men into the boss room and see them being slaughtered by The Gleam Eyes.
    Asuna: Idiots! Just use your teleport crystals and get out of there!
    ALF Redshirt: Oh, HELL, why didn't WE think of THAT? OF COURSE WE TRIED THE CRYSTALS! THEY'RE NOT WORKING!
  • When things inevitably go south, one of the Aincrad Liberation Front soldiers dies with a Wilhelm scream.
  • The master strategist Corvatz in action.
    Corvatz: Very well. Watch closely, for one day you shall tell your grandchildren of the day you witnessed the great Corvatz in action. Now, men! Group up, and hit it 'til it dies!
    Kirito: Oh, fu
  • Kirito's reaction to Corvatz's death.
    Kirito: Wow, I guess you could really say... he went out on a high note...?
    Klein: Really, man?! A pun?!
  • Klein tries to evacuate some wounded ALF soldiers.
    ALF Soldier: Gloria, my darling, is that you?
    Klein: Kiss me and I drop you.
  • Poor, poor Klein. Like Kirito, the subtitles refer to him as "Ballsy" for most of the episode, and then there's his Negated Moment of Awesome.
    Klein: Alright ugly, let me teach you why they call me the legendary [wham!] FUCK!
  • Everyone's reaction when Kirito begins unexpectedly Dual Wielding.
    Klein: Holy...
    Asuna: Shit!
    ALF Soldier: Exclamation mark!
  • Kirito's "World of Cardboard" Speech is a combination of Awesome and Funny.
    Kirito: Y'know something? I really hate people. They're selfish, ignorant, loud, obnoxious pricks, with basically no redeeming qualities whatsoever! I mean really, look at all they've achieved: genocide, global warming, reality TV?! It's just a never ending parade of failures and fuck ups. They are, without question, a complete write-off species and HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME CARE ABOUT THEM!!!
  • "There, everybody's safe... now you can all go die for all I care..."
  • In the end, when Asuna is still embracing Kirito...
    Kirito: You know, Asuna, if you keep holding me like this, I might get the wrong idea.
    Asuna: Just shut up for a while and let me have this.
    Kirito: [chuckles] Alright... could you maybe shift around a little, though? My leg's kinda fallin' asleep.
    Asuna: If you ruin this moment, I will cut you.
    Kirito: See? That's more like it.

    Episode 9 
  • It turns out the Aincrad Liberation Front was livestreaming their raid against the Gleam Eyes, so everyone ended up hearing Kirito's "World of Cardboard" Speech. His image as a misanthropic loner is in tatters, other players have latched on to him as some sort of hero, and Tiffany and Lizbeth can't stop laughing about it.
    Lizbeth: Oh, don't worry so much, Ki. No one cares about your adorable little Freak Out, they're all too busy being in awe that you can hold two swords at the same time!
    Tiffany: He is The Chosen One! As it was foretold by the scrolls!
    Liz and Tif: [howl with laughter]
  • The instant Asuna barges in, Lizbeth and Tiffany run away screaming — the former because Asuna burned down her shop and threatened her life, the latter because Asuna's really annoying.
    Tiffany: [offscreen] Wait for me, I know a shortcut! [glass shatters]
  • Kirito is shocked to see that Don Fluffles is now a senior member of the Knights of the Blood Oath, and more to the point is still alive after their last encounter.
    Kirito: Don Fluffles, you son of a bitch, how are you still alive?! I saw you go over that cliff! No one could've survived that fall!
    Fluffles: Meow.
    Kirito: You sly bastard, I would've never thought of that.
    Heathcliff: I-I'm sorry, can he actually speak Cat, or is he just messing with us?
    Asuna: Knowing him, it may very well be both.
    Kirito: You know, I still have that dagger you put in me. I've been meaning to give it back.
    Heathcliff: Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room! (laughs) ...Really?! No one?! I'm the only one?
  • Heathcliff declares that Kirito may be the sort of hero that Aincrad needs, and invites him to join his guild.
    Heathcliff: Kirito? Will you join the Knights of the Blood Oath?
    Kirito: Nah.
    Heathcliff: Fantastic! Welcome aboar— come again?
  • Heathcliff then attempts to negotiate with Kirito to get him into the Knights, much to Asuna's ire.
    Heathcliff: Look, let's just cut right to the chase here, Kirito. What's it gonna take for you to say "yes?" Huh? Money? Items? ...Asuna?
    Asuna: EXCUSE ME?!
    Heathcliff: What? It's a compliment!
    Asuna: Wooow, Commander! I didn't think this game had any magic! But look at you...! Turnin' women into trophies! Got some misogynist alchemy goin' on up in here...
    Heathcliff: Fine, fine, I can't give you Asuna.
  • When Kirito challenges Heathcliff to a duel, the match is introduced by a pair of commentators that seem to be channeling Wiz and Boomstick.
    Bob: Honestly, I don't know who to give the edge to, Sammy! On the one hand you got Heathcliff, Master of the Divine Blade, with a defense so impregnable it has earned him the distinguished title of "CHEATING HAXXOR FAGGOT!"
    Sam: "Distinguished?"
    Bob: But on the other hand there's the Sword Saint, Kirito! I mean just look at 'em, Sammy! He's got so many swords I can't even keep track!
    Sam: Two. He has two swords, Bob.
    • The fact that Heathcliff's title is totally accurate (well, at least two-thirds accurate), and the source of all his skills, makes it even funnier.
  • Heathcliff explains the large crowd for the fight is because it's not everyday someone is foolhardy enough to challenge the top player in the game.
    Kirito: Hah, actually, if you remember, I'm the one that challenged you. Looks like the dementia's kickin' in early, old man.
    Heathcliff: Wow. Asuna was not kidding about that ego. I owe her an apology.
  • Kirito spends a minute strategizing the coming fight, and comes out of it to find himself flat on his ass after a four-second match.
    Sam: [over a very angry crowd] Alright, folks! Uh, we understand that fight was, uh, a tad shorter than expected but, uh, if you just form an orderly line, the Knights of the Blood Oath would like to offer you a full refun— [sound of glass smashing] Oh god. God, they're in the booth! THEY'RE IN THE BOOTH!!! AAAAAAH! NO! NOOOOOO! NOT THE FACE, I NEED THAT FOR RADIO!
    • What makes this funnier is that if you actually measured how long his strategizing was, he did not exceed the one minute preparation time. Either this is a goof up by the animators or they are saying that despite his strategy Kirito got wrecked in four seconds.
    • Later Asuna mentions that Kirito shouldn't expect a rematch anytime soon.
      Random Player: [while the Colosseum burns] WE PAID FOR BLOOOOOD!
      Kirito: You ever notice how this game has a real arson problem?
      [Asuna shifts nervously from one foot to the other]
  • Asuna trying to comfort Kirito in the most insensitive and heartless way possible:
    Asuna: But don't worry, okay? I'm sure as hell not gonna die on you, like that dumb bitch Sally.
    Kirito: [obviously crushed] ...S-Sachi.
    Asuna: [pulls Kirito in for a hug] Shhhh. Shhhh. It doesn't matter! She is dead now, so cheer up! Okay?
  • Asuna assures Kirito that being in a guild will be different this time. One Description Cut later and Kirito meets Godfree, who talks in Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe like an NPC.
    Godfree: GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS, COMRADES! I hope the morrow finds thee well, Sir Kirito! 'Tis truly an honour to meet a warrior such as thee.
    Kirito: Dammit, Asuna! This relationship cannot be built on a foundation of lies!
    Asuna: Kirito, this is Godfree. I hear he's what they call a... role-player?
    Kirito: Oh gawd...
    • Kirito grows even less fond of Godfree when he suggests a training exercise.
      Kirito: [making no attempt at hiding his contempt] "Training exercise"? I don't need training from you. I went head to head with your boss!
      Godfree: Forsooth! And pray tell, how has that worked out for thee?
      [beat]
      Kirito: ...Yeah. I do not care for you.
  • So Kirito gets dragged off on a training exercise with someone who calls him "young squire."
    Kirito: ...This is my life now. I am in Hell.
  • Oh, and since it's also a "team-building exercise," Kuradeel is back. And so are Kirito's insults.
    Kirito: Oh, what the hell is this, Godfree?! I only know two things about you: you're a roleplayer and now, apparently, you're pretty chummy with Mordor's Most Wanted over here.
  • Godfree talks up Kuradeel to Kirito.
    Godfree: Now, now, Sir Kirito. Thou must respect thy elders! What he lacks in youthful good looks, he more than maketh up for with decades of experience.
    Kuradeel: ...I'm... 26.
  • When they pause for lunch both Kirito and Kuradeel are throughly tired of Godfree:
    Godfree: 'Tis is here the real adventure beginth! I do not wanteth to spoil anything... but I hope ye two are ready for some [sing-song voice] trust-falls~!
    Kuradeel: [under his breath] You will die screaming.
    Kirito: Yeah, you said it. [a swig of the poisoned water; realizes something is wrong] Wait, what?
    • Godfree then continues his act, even as Kuradeel breaks out into an Obviously Evil Laugh.
      Godfree: Oh, Sir Kuradeel. Didst thou spiketh our liberations with paralysis poison? [nervously] D'oh, you merry prankster.
      Kirito: [exasperated] You cannot be serious!
  • Kuradeel smacking into the paralysed Godfrey:
    Kuradeel: Wouldst thou shuteth THE FUCK UP!?!
    Godfree: Sir Kuradeel, what mutiny is this?
    Kuradeel: I had to SIT [stabs Godfree] and listen to you for MONTHS as you run Shakespeare through a WOODCHIPPER! [stabs Godfree again] Is that supposed to be endearing or something!?!
  • Godfree pleading for his life by dropping the act is both disturbing because of how desperate he is not to die...but also kind of hilarious.
  • Kuradeel isn't actually part of Laughing Coffin, he's just a fan boy who is furious that they took Kirito's advice. The fact that Kirito just unashamedly continues to mock Kuradeel even as he has him skewered on his sword makes it even better.
    Kuradeel: You destroyed them! They were doing just fine until you came along and filled their heads with dreams of wealth and fame! If only I could have met them in their prime...
    Kirito: Wait, you never met them?! I thought you said you... oh my god. You're not a member... YOU'RE A FANBOY! That's amazing!
    Kuradeel: You made them Sell-Out! And what did it get them?! An army at their door and a blade to their hearts! [chokes up] It... it used to be about the murder, you know?
    Kirito: Let me guess, you prefer their early work?
    • Laughing Coffin's promotional video.
      Johnny Black: Boss won't get off your back? Girlfriend won't stop nagging you? Did that fuckstick Tiffany sell you a bullshit dagger that broke almost immediately despite the fact you spent half your goddamned Col on it?! Have you considered... murder? Here at Laughing Coffin Industries, we believe that any problem can be solved with just a little application of sword violence—
    • Turns out the once-feared player-killer guild got wiped out after having the bright idea to send an e-mail with their exact location to every player in the game. Yep.
  • Asuna knew Kirito was in trouble because she "may have been tailing you since you left. But not in a weird way!"
    Kirito: Wow, I have never been so happy to be dating a stalker.
  • Asuna prepares to deal with Kuradeel.
    Kuradeel: [as Asuna strides wordlessly towards him sporting the mother of all death glares] Well, if it isn't the Damsel in Distress! Sorry dear, but your boyfriend can't fight your battles for you—
    Asuna: [cuts Kuradeel's cheek with a single thrust of her rapier]
    Kuradeel: [stumbles backwards] Uhh! You bitch!
    [Kuradeel swings his sword at Asuna, who deflects it easily and unleashes a flurry of strikes on him while all he can do is whimper in fear as his HP drops to near-zero]
    Kuradeel: [drops his sword and throws his hands up in the air] You know? People always think being called a "bitch" is so negative! But frankly, I just think it shows how you're strong, and confident and absolutely fucking terrifying! Please don't kill me!
  • Once Kuradeel is dead:
    Kirito: Thanks for the save, Asuna. I did not want the last thing I saw to be Kuradeel's O-face.
  • Asuna has a teary, angry breakdown after Kirito has a brush with death for the second time in a week.
    Asuna: [through tears] You ever stop to think about how I feel?! Maybe I wanna almost die once in a while, huh?! Make you cry! Ugh, I'm such a girl!
    Kirito: Anyone ever tell you you cry like a surly drunk?
    Asuna: [still crying at full force] Yeah?! Well, it's your fault I'm like this!
    Kirito: Aw. You bitch. [kisses her]
  • Their dinner afterward is filling, but tastes like ash.
  • Kirito starts teasing Asuna over whether it's okay for him to be over so unseemingly late.
    Asuna: [calmly] Why wouldn't it be?
    Kirito: Oh sweet, naive, stupid Asuna. You may not be able to see the dubious implications—
    [the lights switch off]
    Kirito: —but to a man as worldly as I... [notices she's not at the table] Uh, Asuna?
    Asuna: [in her lingerie] Why are your pants still on? We doing this or what?
    Kirito: [high pitched squeal]
  • Kirito's last comment as he reaches his climax makes it sound like a Wrong Name Outburst.
    Kirito: Suck it, Rosalia!
    Asuna: I love you too, Kiri— Wait, what?! Who the fuck is Rosalia!?!

    Episode 10 
  • Kirito finding old habits are hard to break:
    Asuna: [satisfied sigh] That was amazing, Kirito.
    Kirito [sporting a black eye after Asuna punched him for his Wrong Name Outburst] Well, at least one of us enjoyed themselves...
    Asuna: EXCUSE ME!?
    Kirito: [panicked] Sorry! Ican'tturnitoff! I'mbroken! Pleasefixme?!
    Asuna: Wow. That was almost kind of romantic.
  • The opening, where Kirito is unaware of what to do after one engages in sex.
    Kirito's Left Brain: Dude, what are you doing?! We're blowing this!
    Kirito's Right Brain: Well, what were we supposed to say?! We don't even know what made her like us in the first place!
    LB!Kirito: Fine, fine. Just calm down. The hard part's over. So long as she doesn't throw us any curve balls, I think we're good.
    Asuna: So... what should we do now?
    LB!Kirito: FUCK!
    RB!Kirito: What the hell is she talking about?! What comes after sex?!
    LB!Kirito: I don't know! All the dating sims just go to credits at this point...
    RB!Kirito: Well, she asked us a question, so we have to say something!
    LB!Kirito: Look, just say anything!
    RB!Kirito: Anything?!
    LB!Kirito: Anything! Just...say it with confidence.
    RB!Kirito: Eh, alright. Here goes nothing!
    Kirito: We should get married.
    LB!Kirito: NNOOOOOO!!!!
    RB!Kirito: What?! You said "Say anything"!
    LB!Kirito: ANYTHING EXCEPT THAT, OBVIOUSLY!
    RB!Kirito: I'M SORRY, I DON'T WORK WELL UNDER PRESSURE!
    LB!Kirito: [sighs] You know what? It's fine. Forget it. We'll just play it off as a joke. No harm done.
    Asuna: [crying Tears of Joy] Yes! Let's do it!
    LB!Kirito: YOU FOOL! YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL!!!
    RB!Kirito: Hey, uh, she seems pretty happy about it! Maybe she knows something we don't!
    Asuna's Left Brain: BITCH! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SAY YES?!?!
    Asuna's Right Brain: I DON'T KNOOOOOOWW!!!
    • The fact that both Asuna and Kirito have two subconscious versions of themselves — apparently each one tied to a different hemisphere of the brain — is funny in itself. Throughout the episode, they keep arguing with themselves while simultaneously trying to one-up the other, leading to an increasingly huge Snowball Lie.
  • Kirito and Asuna both trying to keep up pretensions that they're not both freaking the hell out over their marriage during the meeting with Heathcliff, in the form of a lot of babbled Suspiciously Specific Denials.
    Heathcliff: Ah, Kirito, Asuna! Thank you for meeting me on such short notice. And might I say, congratulations on the wedding!
    Kirito: Oh yeah, the wedding—
    Asuna: —it's so, so good—
    Kirito: —the best decision ever, really—
    Asuna: —a huge life decision that could change everything—
    Kirito: —and there's no problems with that, no siree Bob—
    Asuna: —it's huge, it's good—
    Kirito: —it's the best decision, you see, it's really—
    Asuna: —it's good.
    Kirito: —like the best of any decision that anyone has ever made, really.
    [beat]
    Heathcliff: O-kaaay...
  • Heathcliff's first line of official business:
    Heathcliff: Now, you may remember that the ending of our "fight" was a tad controversial.
    Kirito: Hey, I heard those air quotes, you son of a bitch.
  • Captain Fluffles, "in a perhaps unsurprising twist," has gone traitor and begun a reign of terror over Floor 75 alongside the King of Ashes, so Heathcliff is trying to defuse the situation with some peace talks. And he has a very special mission for Kirito.
    Kirito: Ohhh, I see, so you need me at the table, cracking jokes and breaking the ice. I gotcha.
    Heathcliff: Ha Ha Ha No!! God no! I need to hide you under the biggest rock I can find!
    Kirito: Excuse me?
    Heathcliff: Hmm, how do I put this delicately... [smacks lips] Ah. I'm afraid you'll piss someone off and kill thousands.
    Asuna: Yeah, I could see that.
    Kirito: Asuna?!
    Asuna: I'm sorry, honey. If it means avoiding the deaths of innocent players, I think the least you can do is sit this one out.
    Heathcliff: I'm also going to need you to stay behind and guard him, Asuna.
    Asuna: Oh, screw that noise! I'm coming too!
  • Heathcliff attempts to persuade Kirito and Asuna that this is actually a great chance for the two to have a vacation of sorts
    Heathcliff: Look, it'll be great! I've prepared a nice little cabin for you on Floor 22; beautiful forests, a view of the lake, you'll practically have the whole Floor to yourselves! Consider it your honeymoon!
    Asuna: B-uuuut... honey... moon?
    [Kirito and Asuna suddenly both sport very strained smiles.]
    Asuna: Ohhhh, well in that case, that sounds... great.
    Kirito: Yup! Can't see any problems with that! You, Asuna?!
    Asuna: Nope! You and me alone in the woods for who knows how long?! Sign me the hell up!
    Kirito: You mean you and I.
    Asuna: [Wide Eyes and Shrunken Irises] AHAHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAH!
    Heathcliff: Ahh, young love. How I envy you.
  • Shortly after arriving, Kirito flat-out asks Asuna whether she thinks their marriage was a mistake, only for her to freeze completely up for a moment, and then get all defensive about it and start yelling "Don't you love me?!"
    LB!Asuna: What the fu... What the hell are you doing?! THAT WAS OUR OUT!!
    RB!Asuna: I dunno, I panicked!
    LB!Asuna: Well we're in too deep now. You know what Mom says — doesn't matter if you're wrong, just dig in your heels, and never show weakness!
    RB!Asuna: You ever think that's why Mom and Dad are getting divorced?
    LB!Asuna: Notimetounpackthatnow!
    • During the "Shut Up" Kiss afterward, Kirito mentions that he doesn't even know Asuna's real name, and the two start Cry Laughing mid-makeout.
  • When Yui suddenly appears in their house one morning, Asuna is extremely suspicious, while Krito tries to be more tactful about it. Emphasis on tries.
    Kirito: Hello, little girl... Uh, how did you get in our house?
    Yui: I... I... do not remember.
    Asuna: Ooooh. Yeaaaah. I'm sure that'll hold up in court.
    Kirito: (to Asuna) Yeah, okay, Marlowe. Let's pump the breaks a bit. (to Yui) So, uh, what's your name?
    Yui: I believe my name is... Yui.
    Kirito: Aw, that's a cute name. (pats her on the head) Remember anything else? Friends? Address? Street corner we can dump you?
  • How these two psychos end up adopting Yui.
    Yui: Are you my... mama and papa?
    Kirito: Uhh...
    Asuna: Yeeeeah, okay, let me set you straight you little fruitcake—
    LB!Asuna: Wait-wait-wait! We can use this...
    RB!Asuna: What are you—?
    LB!Asuna: Shh, shh, shh! Just follow my lead.
    Asuna: Of course you're our daughter!
    Kirito: WHAT?!
    Yui: Yay! [giggles]
    RB!Kirito: Okay, I'm lost. How did we get a kid?!
    LB!Kirito: I have no idea! Why would she lie to her like tha— daughter of a BASTARD! She doesn't think getting married was a good idea either! She just doesn't want to be the one to say it! She's trying to scare us off!
    RB!Kirito: Oh, that's simple then. All we need to do is talk it out like adul[slapped]
    LB!Kirito: Don't you get it?! This is a power move! If we let her have this one, she'll hold it over us for the rest of our lives!
    RB!Kirito: Well, then what the hell do we do?
    LB!Kirito: Oh, I'll tell you what we do! We play her game... and we win.
    Kirito: Welcome home, Yui!
    Yui: Yaaaay! I love mama and papa!
    Asuna: And we love you too, uh...
    Kirito: Yui.
    Asuna: Yui! Yeah! Yui.
  • Judging from the newspaper the next day, those peace talks still went to hell despite Kirito's absence.
    Yui: What are you reading, Papa?
    Kirito: Ehh, nothing interesting.
    Newspaper: PEACE TALKS BREAK DOWN — KOB LEADER TRAPPED BEHIND ENEMY LINES
    Yui: May I read it when you are done? I am interested in the geopolitical situation in Collinia.
    Kirito: (beat) Yui? Where did you learn a word like that?
    Yui: Oh... you know... books?
    Asuna: Like what, the dictionary?
    Yui: Yes! ...Is that weird?
  • Asuna's surprise at how much Kirito gets along with Yui leads to another internal back and forth.
    LB!Asuna: Shit! I can't believe he called our bluff!
    RB!Asuna: Oh no, I think we're moving too fast! I know, let's have a FRICKIN' KID, THAT'LL SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS!
    LB!Asuna: Oh, shut up! This could still work. It's not like he actually likes the adorable little troglodyte.
    RB!Asuna: "Adorable?"
    LB!Asuna: AAAAAAHSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUUUUUUUUUP!
  • Asuna nearly manages to deescalate the situation by giving a sob story about how worried Yui's real parents must be and suggesting they try to send her home. But...
    Asuna: So... we're in agreement, then...
    Kirito: Yeah, yeah, I get it. You totally blinked first.
    [Smash Cut to the orphanage]
    Asuna: WE WOULD LIKE TO BUY ONE CHILD, PLEASE!
    Sasha: W-what?!
    Kirito: YEAH, YOU KNOW! TO KEEP THIS ONE COMPANY!
    Sasha: I don't think you two understand how an orphanage works. You can't just buy a child!
    Asuna: WHY STOP THERE?! WHY NOT GRAB TWO?!
    Kirito: YOU'RE RIGHT, HONEY! I MEAN, WHILE WE'RE OUT! HECK, MAYBE WE CAN GET A DISCOUNT IF WE BUY 'EM IN BULK!
    Sasha: I mean, this isn't even a real orphanage. All these kids have parents in the real world.
    Asuna: WE'LL TAKE A TWELVE-PACK, IF YOU HAVE IT!
    Kirito: WHY ONLY TWELVE?! WHY NOT SHARE OUR LOVE WITH ALL THE CHILDREN?!
    Sasha: You're not listening to me, I see that now...
    Asuna: MA'AM, WE WOULD LIKE TO BUY YOUR ORPHANAGE!
    • Later, Kirito describes him and Asuna as the new orphanage owners. The subtitles react appropriately, switching Sasha's label from "Owner" to "Former Owner".
  • When Yulier shows up to describe the collapsing peace talks, Kirito is shocked that Kibaou from Episode 2 has somehow made a power grab.
    Yulier: It happened so fast! None of us saw it coming! I mean, would you? The man has the unbridled charisma of a chipotle enema!
    Asuna: Huh. That's an image.
  • Also, Yulier subtly hinting at her attraction to the Thinker.
    Yulier: He bravely and sexily~ stood against Kibaou's tyranny and pleaded for an end to the fighting. For a while, it seems like his beautiful words and ass~ were actually getting through to him [...] When I think about how scared he must be down there, it makes me wanna just throw him down and have my-
    Kirito: Yeah! I get the picture!
  • What makes Kirito and Asuna start viewing Yui as more than a pawn in their mind games? When she schools Yulier on the proper use of irony after Yulier describes how Thinker agreed to attend, unarmed, a peace talk held in a dungeon.
    Yulier: That wonderful man gave that bastard the benefit of a doubt, only to walk into a trap. It's quite ironic.
    Yui: No it is not.
    Yulier: Huh?
    Yui: That is not at all what irony is. I believe the turn of events you just described would be best classified as completely expected.
    Yulier: Wha... what are you talking about?
    Yui: Irony, noun: A state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects, and is often amusing as a result. Example: Your leader is named Thinker, yet he appears to be something of a dullard.
    Yulier: [gasp]
    Kirito: Holy cow, Yui! That was amazing! I wish I had like a tiny mic for you to drop!
    Asuna: Oh my god, that would be adorable!
    Yulier: How dare you defile the good name of Thinker! He is the greatest, most intelligent man I have ever known!
    Yui: Statistically speaking, that says more about you than it does about him.
    Yulier: [standing up] YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE, KID?! I'LL THROW DOWN WITH AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!
    Asuna: (tersely) Touch her and I kill Thinker myself.
    Yulier: [Beat, then sits back down] Duly noted.
  • They're ejected from the orphanage when Kirito, after ignoring the place's owner for several minutes, asks whether "Freckles" is willing to help Yulier out on a "fetch quest."
    Sasha: OHHHH, SO I CAN TALK NOW?! IT'S OKAY FOR I, SASHA, TO TALK?! YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME WAS SASHA, DID YOU?! DID YOU?!
    Subtitles: OHSHITTABLEFLIP!
  • Kirito notes that he is the only one who hasn't threatened to stab someone today, before Yui chimes in that she hasn't either.
    Kirito: Oh yeah! Looks like you and I are the only sane people here, sweetie.
    Yui: Yeah, Mama is scary!
    Kirito: GARY?! WHERE?! I''LL KILL HIM! I'LL FUCKING KILL HIM!
  • Yui's happy dancing and clapping while Kirito slaughters a crowd of monsters off-screen and Asuna and Yulier debate parenting.
    Yulier: ...Is he gonna be alright?
    Asuna: Eh, just let him work it out of his system. He'll tire himself out eventually.
    Yulier: If you say so... on a related note, are you at all concerned by the delight your daughter seems to be taking in all this?
    Yui: [cheerfully] Go for the eyes, Papa! That is their weak point!
    Kirito: [offscreen] THANKYOUSWEETIE!
    Asuna: Not really. Why?
    Yulier: N-no reason. You seem like a great family.
    Asuna: Awww, thank you!
  • Our heroes go up against the incarnation of death itself.
    Asuna: Don't worry, Kirito, I've got your back! With the two of us, our love can conquer anyth
    *WHAM*
    Kirito: [slurred] The Power of Love is bullshit. The power of swords and violence, that's where the money is...
  • After Yui reveals herself to be more than she appears, what's Kirito's first question?
    Kirito: What happened to your sweater, young lady? note 
    Asuna: Is that seriously what you want to ask her?
    Kirito: What, it was expensive! If she's just gonna lose it, then I'm not gonna keep buying her nice things.
  • Kirito's OH GOD HE MADE YOU WATCH?
  • Yui's heartwarming explanation about her true nature as a psychiatrist AI also has her diagnose Kirito and Asuna.
    Yui: All of that changed when I found you two.
    Kirito and Asuna: Awwwwwwww.
    Yui: The most broken, sociopathic players I had ever laid eyes on! Less people than a loose collection of character defects!
    Kirito: That kind of went in a different direction than I was expecting.
  • To sum up why Yui stuck around:
    Yui: I wanted to know what love is. I wanted you to show me.
    Asuna: [tearing up] Goddamn Foreigner.
    Kirito: Y-you mean the band, right?
  • "Goddammit, Kayaba! I am sick and tired of you kicking my heart in the dick!!"
  • Even in an emotional moment, Asuna can't help but toss in a jab at her husband:
    Asuna: [sobbing] Oh, Kirito... you gonna need a tampon for that gigantic vagina you just grew?
  • After an entire episode of trying to one-up each other, Kirito and Asuna try actually talking about their troubles.
    Kirito: Hey, Asuna. For real this time. No bullshit. Do you think we got married too quickly?
    Asuna: Yeah, obviously.
    Kirito: Yeah, me too... Do you wanna stay together anyway?
    Asuna: Yeah, obviously.
    Kirito: Yeah, me too... Was that the entire conversation?
    Asuna: I... think it was.
    Kirito: THAT WAS SO EASY!
    Asuna: WE ARE SO STUPID!!
    Kirito: Geez. Let's hope we don't have to sacrifice a small child every time we need to have a talk like this. Otherwise, you know, buying that orphanage might not have been a terrible investment.
    Asuna: [laughing] Jesus Christ, Kirito! That's awful!

    Episode 11 
  • Asuna thinks a slumbering Kirito is her "sexy widdle baby," and hopes he wakes up soon so she can "rock his cradle," only to be interrupted by a PM from Heathcliff.
    Asuna: Dammit, Commander! Freakin' clam-jammer...
    • Made funnier when Kirito reveals he wasn't asleep and heard everything Asuna said.
    • If you manage to crop and flip Heathcliff's message, maybe Kirito had good reason to break the truce.
      Lieutenant-Commander Asuna,
      I know you and the rest of the guild must have been worried sick these last few days, what with the peace talks going south and me being held captive by a gang of sadistic lunatics. Let me just put your fears to rest by saying I am okay. It was pretty touch-and-go there for awhile, but I was eventually able to convince the King of Ashes to let me go by... well, there's no easy way to say this. I promised him you'd pose for some photos. Apparently they're preparing some kind of charity calendar for cancer research once we get out of here or something. Look, they've promised me it's all going to be very tasteful. Minor sideboob at most. We'll discuss the details later. Anywho, he also promised to let the guild pass through his territory so that we can challenge the 75th floor's boss, so we're good to go! I hope you two enjoyed your honeymoon, because it's time to have us a raid!
      P.S. What is your thong size? It's for the calendar.
  • Summing up the previous episode:
    Kirito: It's too bad we gotta go back. I mean, aside from the fact that our daughter died in front of us thinking she was alone and unloved, this was actually a pretty great honeymoon!
    Asuna: I know, right?
    Subtitles: #Parentsoftheyear
  • Kirito and Asuna meet their neighbour:
    Nishida: Why, hello there, kids! Beautiful weather we are having.
    Asuna: [obviously faked friendliness] It sure is, sir! [whispering] Kirito, that man is not wearing pants.
    Kirito: [eyes closed] Yeah. Yeah, I know. I'm just trying not to look directly at it.
    • The end season credits list the old man as "Nishida the Fish Fucker."
  • Some good news is that, "between rounds of torture, gladiatorial combat — and Pictionary, oddly enough," Heathcliff was able to negotiate safe passage through Floor 75. Until...
    The King of Ashes: [offscreen] Kill them! Kill the intruders! No one crosses the King of Ashes!
    Heathcliff: WHAT?! But we— Why would he— God dammit, Kirito, what did you do?!
    Kirito: [hides a message reading "I will flay your fucking soul!!!"] Why do you automatically assume I did something?!
    The King of Ashes: [offscreen] Bring me the head of Kiritoooo!
    Subordinate: [offscreen] But then he'll just shatter, sire!
    The King of Ashes: [offscreen] THEN BRING ME THE SHAAARRDDSS!!
    Kirito: Heh, I mean, he could be talking about anybody...
  • Before they charge, Klein and Tiffany mention past adventures involving chimeras and Tif's new axe.
    Kirito: That's weird, why don't I remember any of that stuff?
    Klein: Because we have lives outside of you, Kirito.
    Kirito: [snickers] It's cute that you think that.
  • The Black Comedy reveal of the Skull Reaper when they think there isn't a boss.
    Random Player: Maybe it's hiding or something?
    Stoned Player: Wait... What if this is... like one of those metamorphosis things the commander was talking about? [Heathcliff can be heard groaning in the background] Like the real boss, is the demons within ourselves?
    Other Player: Oh! Like my crippling abandonment issues with my father!
    Klein: [looking up at the ceiling] I don't know. Is your dad a giant fucking centipede made of rib-cages and hatred?!
    Other Player: Uh, no. Why?
    [pan up to reveal the Skull Reaper climbing on the ceiling of the cave]
    Klein: Oh. SO, THAT'S PROBABLY NOT HIM THEN!!
  • After the Skull Reaper makes it entrance by scything through two players.
    Klein: It... it killed them in one hit!
    Tiffany: WHY?! WHY DID I PUT ALL MY POINTS INTO BARTERING?!
    Heathcliff: Now now, men, stay calm! It's not as bad as it seems.
    Player: But sir, those were our tanks!
    Heathcliff: Alright, so, maybe it's in the ballpark. But you must not waver. Steel yourselves! Remember your training! For if we stand together, and fight with all our hearts, then this battle is already
    [the Skull Reaper glitches out and dies]
    Heathcliff: ...Won?
  • The first sign that Heathcliff isn't who he says he is comes when the players, trapped in a buggy boss room, start bitching about SAO's glitches and design flaws and he gets really defensive about it.
    Heathcliff: We all gotta die sometime, right? At least we get to do it playing an awesome game!
    Player: Pfft, "awesome?" You're kidding, right?
    Heathcliff: Huh?
    Player 2: Come on, sir... do you really think any of us would still be playing if we didn't have a gun to our heads? You gotta admit, this game is kind of a hot mess.
    Heathcliff: "Hot mess"? Really? That seems a bit harsh.
    Schmitt: Well, how else would you describe a game where players could just kidnap NPCs, the crafting system is seizure-inducing, and half the time our teleport crystals — one of our only lifelines — do nothing.
    Klein: Yeah, nothing if you're lucky. Eeeesh...
    Heathcliff: Okay, so the game has a few minor bugs. But this is groundbreaking technology we're talking about here! A real-life virtual reality! Where's your sense of wonder?!
    Kirito: Hey, I'm with you, old man. I love this game! Despite its, ah, shortcomings. [...] But let's be real, here. Even if it weren't trying to kill us, this game's a frickin' Gordian Knot of terrible design. Face it, the main reason we all bought it was because it was the only launch title when, surprise, TRON suddenly became real!
    Heathcliff: Oh, so NOW you've seen TRON!
    Kirito: Of course I've seen TRON— wait. "Now?"
  • Immediately after Kirito figures that Heathcliff is actually Kayaba, his first reaction is to launch at him with his sword, which reveals an "Immortal Object" popup:
    Asuna: Commander? ...What is that?
    Heathcliff: Uhhhhhhh... Oh, goodness me, it's a miracle! This completely unexpected glitch has saved me from this assassin's blade! Quickly, my friends, subdue him before he strikes again!
    Asuna: [sternly] Commander. What. The fuck. Is that?
    Heathcliff: So, that's not flying, huh? [shrugs] Eh, can't fault a guy for trying.
  • The great unmasking. (Better yet, this one was suggested as a gag via the comments section of the very first episode)
    Player: I am so lost.
    Other Player: Oh good, so it's not just me.
    Kirito: You wanna tell 'em, or should I?
    Heathcliff: [sarcastically] No, by all means! You seem to have this whole thing figured out. Wouldn't want to step on your big moment.
    Asuna: Kirito, what the hell is going on?! What are you two talking about?!
    Kirito: Well, it turns out the good commander has been hiding something from us. Something so dark, so sinister, that it would shock you to your very core. For you see, this whole time, Commander Heathcliff has actually been Kayaba Akihiko!
    [beat]
    Episode 1 Idiot: What?!
    Kirito: Wh-what? Really?! Kayaba! The creator of Sword Art Online?! Inventor of the NerveGear?!
    Episode 1 Idiot: What?!
    Kirito: [angrily] The guy who trapped us in this game for two years!
    Episode 1 Idiot: What?!
    "Heathcliff": [sighs] Don't worry, I've got this. [plays clip of head exploding]
    Players: [gasp]
    Player: Audible gasp!
    Player: Oh my god, it's Methuselah Honeysuckle!
    • Funnily enough, if the viewer actually pauses the video to read Heathcliff's other tabs, they each say "Dolph Lundgren - IMDB", "Metacritic - Sword Art Online" and "Game Design for Dummies".
  • Kayaba gets positively giddy when Kirito turns out to get all his movie references, and starts to bond with him as a fellow Insufferable Genius. Asuna isn't thrilled.
    Kayaba: It's just, it figures, you know? Of course you'd be the only one who gets them. Strange to say, but I've always felt something of a kinship with you. You too know what it's like to grow up a genius in a world that just can't keep up with you.
    Asuna: Ohhhh, I don't like where this is going. [...] Could you maybe just like, stab me, right in the gut? Just really twist it in there. Cuz' that honestly seems less painful than this conversation.
  • Kayaba's deep frustration with the players coming to the forefront when a player decides to attack him, even though Kirito just demonstrated that he is protected by the "immortal object" ability:
    Kayaba: Y-ya see, this right here is just a perfect little microcosm of the last two years. This fucking mastermind here, not two minutes ago, saw you try the exact same thing to no effect. Yet, by some Herculean leap in logic that we mere mortals may never hope to comprehend, he figured it'd totally work out if he did it! Now, I trust that the rest of you good people have enough pattern recognition not to follow in this man's footsteps — oh, wait, no, that's goldfish! I'm thinking of goldfish. M-yeah, I better play it safe.
  • When Kayaba uses his admin powers to paralyse everyone:
    Asuna: What the hell, Commander?! Why did you paralyse me too?! I'm not going to try anything!
    Kayaba: Really, Asuna? Do you expect me to believe that? Even in that state, I'm not convinced you won't try to set me on fire with your mind! ...You are trying to do it right now, aren't you?
    Asuna: [glaring intensely at Kayaba with narrowed eyes] Staaaaare...
    Kirito: Easy, girl.
  • While everyone's helpless, Kayaba takes a moment to tell them "what every content creator has always wanted to say to their audience."
    Kayaba: [deep breath, clears throat] FUCK!! ALL Y'ALL!!
    Asuna: Oh yeah, you can tell this is gonna be constructive.
    Kayaba: Do you have any idea what it's been like trying to lead you people?! You ignore all my strategies, you adamantly refuse to work together, and then you blame ME FOR ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS! [...] I tried, you know. Lord knows I tried. But there's just no helping you people! It's like you crave death, but not just any death, nooooo! You fuckers seem to have some sort of pool going to see who can end their existence in the dumbest, most avoidable way possible! And you keep one-upping each other! Do you know how many of you have died screaming "Leeroy Jenkins?" More than zero! Which, as far as I'm concerned, is grounds to exterminate the species!
  • Kayaba's shocked when Kirito of all people defends all the idiots in SAO.
    Kirito: Oh, don't get me wrong, no one's saying their potential doesn't top out at Assistant Manager at Kinko's. I mean, just look at Schmitt.
    Schmitt: [offscreen] WHY AM I ALWAYS THE EXAMPLE?!
  • Kirito's dressing down of Kayaba:
    Kayaba: Tell me, what can you say about me?
    Kirito: [doing his best Cartman impression] Oooh, look at me! I'm Kayaba Akihiko! I have, like, an invincible shield that can block any attack and also, like, a super sweet sword that does Infinity +2 damage and can cut through anything, even, like, Wolverine claws and shit, because I am so awesome and kewl!
    Kayaba: ...Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
  • After Kayaba tries to bail out of the conversation to go watch a movie and fix the door to the next floor (eventually), Kirito keeps going.
    Kayaba: I'll get to it when I get to it, how's that sound?
    Kirito: Well, I can't speak for everyone else, but to me it sounds like, "WAAAH! Mommy! The other kids are mean to me 'cuz mah game sucks and mah face is-a stoopid."
    Kayaba: OH MY GOD! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!
  • Kirito challenges Kayaba to a rematch, with the condition that if he wins, the game ends:
    Kayaba: Really?! You wanna cut things off 25 floors early? Seems rather sudden and anti-climactic.
    Kirito: What's wrong, McFly? Chicken?
    Kayaba: Oh, Back to the Future, yes! That is definitely what I'm gonna watch after I kill you. Let's do this thing.
    Asuna: That's a movie thing? Doesn't sound like a very good one...
    Kayaba: YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, WOMAN!! I CAN END YOU WITH A THOUGHT!!
    Asuna: Jesus!
    Kirito: Yeah, word to the wise, don't mess with Zemeckis.
  • Kirito's final "World of Cardboard" Speech about how his experiences in the game have made him a better person is awesome and heartwarming, but a certain someone's reaction to it makes it a funny moment too.
    Kirito: The thing is, a good friend of mine told me I shouldn't give up on humanity just yet, and, despite my best efforts, it's kinda starting to sink in.
    Klein: Oh. Oh my god! He's talking about me! I SAID THAT! I MADE A DIFFERENCE!!
    Kirito: It's true — this world means more to me than the real one ever did. But the longer we stay here, the greater the chance that I'll lose the things I love about it most of all...
    Klein: HIS FRIENDS! HE'S TALKING ABOUT HIS FRIENDS!
    Kirito: [sighs] Klein, buddy, I'm glad you're happy, but do ya think we could have a moment here?
    Klein: Right, right of course, I'm sorry, I'll try to keep it down... [stage whisper] this is everything I've ever wanted!
  • Afterward:
    Kirito: [to Asuna] So, I guess This Is the Part Where... you make fun of me and call me a "big gay baby" with "a floppy vagina", or something to that effect.
    Asuna: ...No. No, I'm not even going to ruin this. This is a huge step for you. LET'S GIVE HIM A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE, EVERYBODY! [struggles uselessly for a moment to overcome the paralysis effect] Honey, I know how this looks, but I swear this isn't sarcastic.
    Kirito: Ah, it's alright. It's the thought that counts.
    Klein: I'M GONNA CLAP FOR YOU WITH MY TEETH, BUDDY! [clicks teeth together repeatedly]
    Kirito: That's... real weird, man, but I appreciate it!
  • When Kirito gently puts Asuna down on the floor before heading out to fight Kayaba:
  • Some last words on the way to the duel.
    Kirito: Hey, uh, Tiffany?
    Tiffany: Yeah, man?
    Kirito: If you don't mind, tell Liz I didn't actually call it the Piece of Shit.
    Tiffany: 'kay, I'm gonna need a little more info to go on that...
    Kirito: And Klein?
    Tiffany: [offscreen] Oh okay, I guess we're just done here.
    Kirito: Sorry I never joined your guild that day. I've always regretted it. It probably would have been a lot of fun.
    Klein: [Inelegant Blubbering]
    Kirito: "Lehflehfleh" indeed, buddy. "Lehflehfleh" indeed.
  • Kirito having another request for Kayaba before their fight begins:
    Kirito: If I lose, I want you to promise me that you'll make it so Asuna can't kill herself out of grief.
    Asuna: Pfft! You think I would kill myself over you!? Oh, go suck a dick!
    Kirito: I believe that is your job now, honey! Heheheh, ah, I'm going to pay for that later...
  • Some very Black Comedy from a Faux Affably Evil character during the series' most tragic moment.
    Kayaba: Huh? How did she—? [bemused] There's not supposed to be any way to break out of admin paralysis! Heh, gonna add that one to the log: "Power of Love might cause paralysis to fail." Heh, it's the damndest thing; somehow that never came up in beta-testing! But hey, lucky break for you, am I right?
    Kirito: [silent]
    Kayaba: [sighs] You're gonna make me say it, are you? Fine, I'm sorry I killed your wife! But in my defense, she jumped in front of my sword! I mean honestly, I'm the real victim here!
    Kirito: You... bastard...
    Kayaba: There we go! Get some fire in that belly! We'll finish this thing off right!
    [after one subverted Heroic Second Wind]
    Kayaba: [frowning] You are just determined to ruin this for me, aren't you?
  • As Kayaba delivers the coup de grace to Kirito:
    Kayaba: It's time to face reality, son. I'm the God of this world. (stabs Kirito cleanly through the chest) This was never going to end any other way.
    (Kirito starts to fade, but then musters up all of his Heroic Resolve)
    Kirito: No...! (takes a few raspy breaths) I reject your reality... And substitute MY OWN!!! (lunges at Kayaba and stabs him through the chest)
    Kayaba: (downright ecstatic) NICE! Dungeonmaster! (labored, triumphant chuckling)
    Kirito: Huh? ...What?! No...! Mythbusters! What the hell is "Dungeonmaster"?
    Kayaba: (disappointed) Oh. I was so happy there for a second...
    (both Kirito and Kayaba shatter)
  • Kirito wakes up to what looks like a Fluffy Cloud Heaven after getting stabbed by Kayaba:
    Kirito: Huh? Where am I? Is this... Heaven? [opens a menu to get a loading screen] Eh, nah. Heaven wouldn't have a loading screen. This is definitely the other place.
  • An awkward reunion in what might be an afterlife.
    Asuna: Kirito? What are you doing here?
    Kirito: Oh, right, yeah, um, you know how you nobly sacrificed yourself so I could live on and save the day? Well, I can firmly say I did one of those things...
  • Watching The End of the World as We Know It.
    Asuna: Oh hey, you can see our house from here.
    [said house crumbles and falls into the abyss]
    Kirito: Well that's disappointing.
  • When Kayaba makes his reappearance, the camera slowly pans over to him, there's a long beat, and then he gives an intensely annoyed little "Hey" by way of greeting.
  • Kirito and Asuna watch as Aincrad slowly falls apart:
    Kirito: What's going on down there?
    Kayaba: I'm keeping up my end of the bargain, Kirito: As we speak, SAO is being wiped from the servers and all remaining players will be logged out of the game.
    Kirito: But, not ...In That Order, right?
    Kayaba: ...I'm gonna have have to get back to you on that one.
  • Kayaba's explanation for why he made the death game.
    Kayaba: I'm going to miss our little chats, Kirito. I mean that sincerely. And frankly, I don't know what that says about me. In any case, I suppose congratulations are in order. It wasn't exactly an outright victory, but at this point I just want this whole nightmare to be over. Consider my plans thoroughly foiled.
    Kirito: Now that you mention it, that was the one part of this I was never able to figure out. What exactly were your plans?
    Kayaba: Heheh, ya know, it's funny. I don't even remember anymore...
    Viewers (Er, Kirito): ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!
    Kayaba: Hahahaha, oh my god, no! Could you imagine, two years and that's what I give you? Man, that'd be unsatisfying! Uh... uh, but no, I did this because of Metacritic.
    Kirito: ...Like, the website?
    Kayaba: Oh, you know how it goes; it's a tale as old as video games themselves. You've got a deadline looming for your new console's launch and your only game's not exactly playable. So you panic and work for three weeks straight without sleep so you can get the damned thing done on time.
    Kirito: Okay. I follow you so far, but how do we get from that to—
    Kayaba: Unfortunately, in your sleep-deprived state you accidentally manage to create a glitch that kills players when their AVATARS DIE!
    Kirito: Yeah... there it is.
    Asuna: Wait, did you say "accidentally?!"
    Kayaba: Next thing you know, your tutorial NPC is nowhere to be found and players are dropping like Dorito-encrusted flies. Now in this case any sane man would simply turn off the servers before anyone else got hurt, but because you've now been awake long enough to think the government is run by "Floobar, King of the Mole Men," the best idea that comes to your mind is to double, triple, and quadruple down. So you lock everyone in the game, tell them they'll die if they don't finish it, and try to make it look like this is all part of your "master plan" instead of an ever-spiraling series of events that you have long since lost control of.
  • Kirito then summarizing the whole thing:
    Kirito: So, you thought that critics would be harsher on a game that killed a few people by accident, than one that killed thousands on purpose?
    Kayaba: [clearly embarrassed] That was my thought process, yes.
    Asuna: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!
    Kayaba: Hey! Cut me some slack, okay? Can you two even begin to imagine 500 uninterrupted hours of consciousness? Forget Mole People, about halfway through I swore I saw the face of God! Until I realized it was just the night janitor, Reki. On the plus side, I gave him a hell of an ego boost. Man was riding that compliment for days.
    • Made better when you realize Reki is likely a reference to series creator Reki Kawahara, who actually would be God to Kayaba.
  • Kayaba explaining that Sword Art Online's publisher wouldn't give him a deadline extension, since the game had already been delayed twice and "It's a big open world, no one's gonna notice a few glitches!"
    Kayaba: Fuckin' Bethesda...
    • Made even more meaningful in light of Fallout 76, an actual Bethesda MMORPG full of bugs and glitches that was panned by Metacritic
    • Even better, for his list of Top Ten Bethesda Fails, The Fiery Joker references this exact scene when talking about how badly Fallout 76 *yay*ed up.
  • Kayaba states that he never actually wished for anyone to get hurt:
    Kirito: Uh, you just killed a guy, like, two minutes ago for mildly sassing you.
    Asuna: Also, you know, us!
    Kayaba: Look, it was a very tense situation, and I think it should be pretty apparent by now that I ain't exactly the picture of grace under fire! Besides, that guy was in the mafia, that's, like, a freebie.
    • Even better, that's actually true! He's one of the guys that ambushes Kirito to collect on the Midnight Black Cats' debt in Episode 3!
  • When pressed, Kayaba admits that he was also keeping the players around as potential hostages if the feds ever went after him.
    Asuna: Why didn't you just blame it on some hacker group pretending to be you? It would've made more sense than the truth, and it's not like you had any kind of motive.
    Kayaba: [chuckles] Yeah, okay, see, Asuna? The problem with that, is that it's... an excellent idea I wish I had thought of two years ago. [long beat] Anyhoo, on that sobering note, I think I'm gonna go scream into that uncaring void for a bit.
  • Summing up the revelations about the villain.
    Kirito: Un-frickin'-believable. All this time I assumed he was some Machiavellian schemer, but in the end, he was just as big a fuck-up as the rest of us. Is that really all there was to it?
    Asuna: Well, I guess that, and that naps are apparently a very underrated part of the "not killing people" process.
  • One last thing to ask before the end.
    Kirito: Hey, so, I've been meaning to ask you this for a while now, but—
    Asuna: No, I will not do butt stuff!
    Kirito: No! Well, I mean, that's disheartening, but that's not what I was gonna ask! I just wanted to know... what's your name?
    Asuna: Uh, "Asuna"?
    Kirito: No, not your screen name, your real one!
    Asuna: Asuna! Asuna Yuuki!
    Kirito: Y-you used your real name? That's so weird...
    Asuna: It is? Wait, then what's your name?
    Kirito: Kazuto Kirigaya!
    Asuna: Ugh, no, that's a terrible name! What am I supposed to call you as a nickname? "Kaz?!" I-I'm just gonna call you Kirito from now on.
    Kirito: Well, uh, I guess I can't argue with that logic. Especially when "from now on" might only encompass the next few minutes...
  • Asuna tries to Face Death with Dignity and have a composed chat with Kirito during the end of the world, but...
    Asuna: Well... these are our final moments together... I just want you to know—
    [Kirito completely breaks down]
    Asuna: OH GODDAMMIT KIRITO!
  • Kirito and Asuna's final moments are heartbreaking, yet remain funny when they end up having a tearful argument over whether they could do "family shit" like take a walk in the park with Yui.
    Asuna: [grinning] She's an AI! How would that even work?
    Kirito: [sobbing] I don't know! I'll build her, like, a robot body! And we'll take that to the park!
    Asuna: [choking up] Yeah, like you can build a robot!
    Kirito: [bawling] I can totally build a robot!
    • Even better, canon Kirito actually does exactly that later in the Light Novel
  • After Kirito escapes the game and wakes up in the hospital, he gets out of his bed and starts limping for the door like in canon. Then Reality Ensues.
    Kirito: Gotta find Asuna... gotta find Asun— hey, is that a catheter?
    [Cue splorch sound followed by a horrific shriek of pain.]
  • The final message at the end of the arcade game-style credits is from "Charlie the Tutorial NPC," who reminds us that Winners Don't Use Drugs. Except Steroids! In Which Case, Use Lots Of Drugs!
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    Episode 12 
  • The episode starts with Kirito's dream about being in SAO with Asuna, where all the dead players are "actually alive for some reason," and their neighbor on Floor 22 is a "nice old man who totally doesn't bang fish."
  • After his Catapult Nightmare, Kirito's shocked to discover what time he's up.
    Kirito: 7:15?! In the AM?! No human could be awake at this hour! Well. E-except... No, no you can do this. You're not the same scared little boy who escaped into video games. You've had a whole character arc and shit! Now come on, it's time to get out there! 'cause there's nothing the world can throw at that you can't-
    (Smash Cut to a kendo match)
    Suguha: (charging) HAJIME!!note 
    Soundtrack: ("Duel of the Fates")
    Subtitles: (Kirito manly screaming, physical torture in progress, pls stand by)
  • It doesn't take long for us to learn just what kind of person Suguha is.
    Kirito: (getting his ass kicked) No, please, no!
    Suguha: Oh, man up, onii-chan!
    Kirito: (sobbing) Oh come on, Suguha! I just learned how to walk again!
    Suguha: Don't worry... YOU'LL STILL BE ABLE TO CRAWL, MAGGOT! HAHAHAHA!
    Kirito: No! Please! Mercy! I yield! I yield!
    Suguha: DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR!!
    Subtitles: (God have mercy)
  • Afterward, Kirito complains that Suguha should have gone easy on him since he just got out of the hospital.
    Suguha: Well, you would've gotten out a lot sooner if you hadn't been a 'tard and ripped your dick in hal-
    Kirito: (non-laughter) Can, can we not? Please? (sporting a Thousand-Yard Stare) Sometimes? Late at night? I can still hear it... tearing...
    Suguha: Oh boo-frickity-hoo. It's not like you were ever gonna make much use out of it anyway. Fuckin' virgin...
    Kirito: HEY, I'll have you know I did... the sex... a bunch of times with my... online... wife. Oh god, why did I word it that way?
    Suguha: Oh, yeah, got some real game there, bro! Stormin' the castle to pound one out with Princess Peach!
    Kirito: Her name is Asuna, and you know she's real, I visit her every day!
    Suguha: Hey, all I know is you leave the house for hours at a time, and then come home crying. You know, like bitches do.
    Kirito: I have shown you pictures!
    Suguha: I mean, it seems way more likely that you're just going to go jerk off in the abandoned Bennigan's! (dramatically) Staring longingly at the nameless girl on the menu... her picture may have faded with time, but you know, you know... her beauty never will. Not... in your heart!
    Kirito: Unbelievable, you haven't changed a bit...
    Suguha: I'm sorry, the bitch-ass nerd's gonna have to speak up, what was that?
    Kirito: N-n-nothing!
  • Suguha Crosses the Line Twice with her final jab at Kirito when he leaves to go visit the comatose Asuna.
    Suguha: Oh, remember to take some tissues though. Y'know, clean it off her face when you're finished. Be a gentleman about it.
    Kirito: (off-screen) OH MY GOD!
  • Though Asuna's father's appearence is somewhat brief, it is easy to tell where her sociopathic streak comes from...
    Shouzou: It's good of you to keep visiting her like this. Like a watchful guardian looking after a slumbering princess. Lying there like a perfect, beautiful little parasite, SUCKING THE MARROW FROM MY VERY BONES!
    Kirito: I'm not letting you pull the plug, sir!
    Shouzou: Ah, sorry. Force of habit. You can relax. My lawyers have advised me that killing my daughter to get out of medical bills would cause more problems than it would probably solve.
    Kirito: Really. Weird.
    Shouzou: So I've decided to marry her off to a nice gentleman from my company instead! A righteous alternative to euthanasia!
    Kirito: WHAT?!
    • ...as well as her occasional ditzy moments and unintentional racism.
      Shouzou: Ah, good, you're here! Allow me to introduce you to my daugther's fiancée! Kazuto, Versace. Versace, Kazuto.
      Sugou: (exasperated) Ah ha ha, sir, that's not my name. That was the brand of briefcase I put all the money in.
      Shouzou: You're sure? It's a pretty cool name. Maybe you should go with it. All classy and Italian, like Ferrari! Ooh, I haven't bought one of those in forever! Excuse me, gentlemen, I need to go call my Ferrari guy!
      (Shouzou walks off)
      Shouzou: (faintly in the background) Hello? Enzo! It's-a been-a too long!
    • Turns out Kirito was right in episode 10, Asuna is a daughter of a bastard.
  • Kirito's attempt to drive his rival off is interrupted.
    Kirirto: Look, I don't know how much money you gave the old man, but I hope you kept a receipt. Funnily enough, Asuna is already married! To ME! I mean, it was in a video game so I don't actually know how legally-binding that is, but still, it's the principle of—
    (Sugou takes a deep sniff of Asuna's hair)
    Kirito:oh god, what are you doing?
  • Kiritio is quick to how point how unethical trying to marry off a unconscious person is.
    Kiritio: There is no way this is legal! It's gonna be pretty hard to get a "I do" out of a frickin' potato! (to Asuna) ...I'm sorry, honey. That was uncalled for.
  • Nobuyuki Sugou is portrayed with a general air of menace and creepiness. Then he does this:
    Sugou: And something tells me that she that she will be more than happy to say "Yes". Isn't that right, my dear? (tugs on Asuna's lip while talking in falsetto) Oh yes, absolutely! I can't wait to break me off a piece that sweet Sugou dick! You're SO much hotter than my fake online-husband! I can't wait to wake up, just so I can wrap my moist lady parts around your—
    Kirito: (grabs Sugou by the wrist) KNOCK IT OFF!
  • Sugou's Motive Rant gets momentarily derailed by a niggling detail.
    Sugou: After that imbecile Kayaba deep-sixed an entire industry, no one dared even consider a future in VR. Enter stage right, the real hero of this tale, Nobuyuki Sugou... Oh, right, you still think I'm a briefcase — I'M Nobuyuki Sugou. Anyway...
  • One last parting shot on the way out the door:
    Sugou: The wedding is next week, but don't bother coming to the ceremony. Oh, but feel free to send a present! I know my sweetheart's had her eye on a sandwich press! (as "Asuna") You know it! I'm just dyin' to make some delicious sandwiches for my throbbing hunk of fine-ass human meat! Yaaaaay! (laughs) You have thirty seconds before security arrives.
  • Kirito launches into a speech about how he refuses to intimated by Sugou:
    Kirito: No. I... I will not let this stand! If you thought I fought tooth and nail for two years just so I could kowtow to some assclown like you, then you're in for a rude awakening! Prepare to reap the FUCKING whirlwind that is the UNBRIDLED FURY OF THE HERO OF AINCRAD!!!
    (Description Cut to Kirito in his room, writing a message on Twitter)
    Kirito's tweet: Some rich scumbag named @NobuyukiSugou is trying to buy/marry my wife! WHO IS IN A COMA BY THE WAY!!!!!! #whereisthejustice #youknowwhattodo
    Kirito: Yeah, take that! "Sugou?" More like... Su-go-fuck-yourself! (weak laughter) Uh... man, I am so glad no one's around to hear that...
    Suguha: (muffled, through the wall) Oh no, it looks like he couldn't quite stick the landing there, folks! The judges are really gonna ream him for that one!
    Kirito: Dammit, Suguha! No one's talking to you, gawd!
    • Extra humor: Kirito's user name on Twitter is @xHeroOfAincradx. Not so humble anymore, eh?
    • On the same screen we see that he's kept in contact with another SAO survivor. And you can spot a bot showing that Kayaba is busy in another game.
      King of Ashes: I FOUND YOU YOU SUNUVABICH! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE YOUR FATE! I WILL SPLAY YOUR ORGANS OVER MY OWN ORGAN! YOU CAN TRY TO RUN, BUT YOU CANNOT RUN FROM THE ONE, THE ONLY, KING OF FUCKIN ASHES! #SplayDemOrgans #YouCannotEscape #Hashtag
      Kirito: Have it your way. :P
      Kayaba Akihiko [H]: Kayaba Skill =Battle Healing: Mastered= ^.^ #Bot
  • Kirito's understandably shocked to get an email with a picture of Asuna.
    Kirito: What the heck is this? Is that... Asuna?! Where was this taken?! Wait, why is she a fairy?
    Suguha: (through the wall) YOU'RE a fairy! (raucous laughter)
    Kirito: Suguha, SHUT UP! I'm gonna tell mom!
    • In short, literally everything Suguha says is a riot.
  • The episode ends with Sugou entering Alfheim to check on his "caged bird". Fade to black... only to cut back in with Asuna spitting on his face in defiance.

    Episode 13 
  • In a Black Comedy style of meta, Izzy decided to bet that the new episode would last one second before Youtube takes it down given their history. The result when he uploaded it? The episode got taken down almost instantly by YouTube's copyright algorithm.
    Mackenzie Murdock: Our good friend, @MrBuddyVA, predicted that the new episode of SAOA would get taken down in “literally one second.”
  • The disclaimer, as read by DeezGunz the Salamander:
    DeezGunz: The fallowing is a fan-based paro-day. Shword Art Online is owned by A-1 Pic-tor-es, Aniplex Oosa, and Reki Cowabunga. Please support the, uh... (suggestively) the official release.
  • When Kirito arrives at Tiffany's bar, the kid begins ranting about how much of an ordeal it was to find the place, which at least distracted him from his "SEETHING IMPOTENT RAGE!!"
    Tiffany: You okay, bud? Was the trip really that bad?
    Kirito: Honestly?! No! I'm just making a big deal about a minor inconvenience 'cause I need to vent about the MULTI-HEADED DICK HYDRA THAT IS NOW MY LIFE, AND I KNOW THAT YOU'RE A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO TAKE IT IN STRIDE!!
    Tiffany: Uh... thank you?
    Kirito: YOU'RE WELCOME!! I TREASURE OUR FRIENDSHIP!!
    Tiffany: Hoo boy. You need this more than I thought. (slides Kirito a copy of...)
    Kirito: Alfheim... Online. (beat) Tiff, what the hell is this?
    Tiffany: (dramatically) From the sounds of it, this... is everything you're looking for.
    (beat)
    Kirito: Whaddya mean by that?
    Tiffany: Oh, well, from the way you told me it seemed like—
    (Smash Cut to the opening sequence)
  • Apparently water is too expensive for Tiffany to stock at his bar, but he does have something called 9-Up. Which has to be served like tea.
    Tiffany: Yeah, turns out you need to boil the shit out of it or else it's hella toxic~.
    • Apparently Tiffany wasn't kidding about how toxic the drink was, as Kirito vomits on the jukebox at the end of the scene. We don't actually see it, but judging by the lights flashing through the window it wasn't pretty.
      Tiffany: (despairing) MR. WORLDWIDE!!
  • Judging from the back of its box, Alfheim Online's publishers have no idea who their target audience is.
    Kirito: "Choose from one of nine fairy races and learn valuable life lessons like sharing, table manners, and aerial... combat... supremacy. In the skies of Marshmallow Island, children will make lifelong friends with their fellow fairies, or lay them to waste with the game's intricate spellcraft system. Also, coloring." (beat) Who is this for?!
    Tiffany: My guess would be the cast of Lord of the Flies, but I doubt that's a big enough market.
  • If an eagle-eyed viewer pauses to read it, the back of the box also features someone who clearly both didn't realize it wasn't supposed to be part of the box and hates it with a fiery passion.
    Get ready for a world of Learn-venture™ as you make your way through nine amazing biomes like forest, desert, cave, another forest, and circus!
    Alright sir. That's about the most positive write-up I can think of for back-of-box stuff. Considering the game has been the biggest soul-sucking shitshow of my career, I think this sells it pretty well!
    But at least it's all over now. I can finally get back home and sleep in my own bed again! A bed that is now empty because DEBRA LEFT ME! SHE TOOK THE KIDS, MAN!
    But what the fuck ever. Can you just look this over and get back to me with any changes/corrections ASAP? I just wanna wash my hands of this weeping anal fissure of a "game".
  • Tiffany, with great reluctance, explains that ALO is where the photos of Asuna were taken... but Kirito's still babbling excitedly about the promise of aerial combat.
    Kirito: (gasp) I wonder if I could do loop-de-loops?! I bet I could do loop-de-loops!
    Tiffany: C'mon man, do not make me BEG for you to go save your klansman of a wife.
  • Oddly enough, both Tiff and Kirito are pretty happy with the situation.
    Tiffany: I don't know who, and I don't know why, but it sure as hell looks like someone has trapped Asuna in Alfheim Online.
    Kirito: (noticing the back of the box) OH HELL YEAH!!
    Tiffany: I know, right?! Wait, no, I get why I'm happy, why the hell are you happy about this?
    Kirito: Don't you see, Tiff?! This game was made by RECT Progress! You know that scumfuck who bought Asuna?
    Tiffany: The rapist?!
    Kirito: Yeah, that's the one! He works for these guys!
    Tiffany: Oh shit! That's a hell of a coincidence!
    Kirito: Coincidence nothing, this is fate! I get to be a videogame badass again, and screw with the fuckstick that's trying to steal my wife!
    Tiffany: Fuck yeah! Get 'em, son!
    Kirito: All while saving Asuna!
    Tiffany: I mean sure, if there's time!
  • Suguha is lounging on the back porch eating a snack when Kirito returns, which leads to a near-death experience.
    Kirito: Aww, crap, why did I come in the back door?
    Suguha: (with her mouth full) Oooh, ooh, That's What She Said!
    (she collapses, choking on a muffin)
    Suguha: (thinking) Can't... breathe... lungs... filling with... blueberries... perhaps a... second muffin... would dislodge the first!
    Kirito: (thinking) This is it... this is the icing on my cake! A lifetime of physical and psychological abuse, brought to a swift and satisfying end! All I have to do... is nothing! I mean, this is just Darwinism at work! As long as I don't hand her this lifesaving juice that I am currently handing her NOOOOOOOOO!!
    • But even his sister not dying isn't enough to bring down Kirito's mood.
      Suguha: Geez, bro, took you long enough! What would you have told Mom if I died?!
      Kirito: "Heeey, Mom, I got some good news and bad news. Good news is that we finally have room for that Jacuzzi you wanted~"
      Suguha: Uh, the fuck you say?
      Kirito: (sigh) You know what? It doesn't matter! You know why? Because tonight, I've got a date with destiny!
      Suguha: Yeah, I don't need to know the name of your preferred camgirl, bro.
      Kirito: Heheheh, I, I see what you're doin', but you can't get to me today! Life is too good!
      Suguha: I know she says you're her favorite, but let's be honest, she says that to everyone. You and I both know she can do better.
      Kirito: (tossling her hair as he leaves) Eheh, no, fuck you, it's not workin'.
      Suguha: Although you know, on the other hand, this is still probably a step up from you groping coma patients!
      Kirito:I'm walkin' on sunshiiine! Whoa-oh-oh! And don't it feel good!♪ (door slam)
      Suguha: Fuckin' dumbass... (chokes on another muffin)
  • Unfortunately, when our hero logs into Alfheim Online for the first time and tries to pick his handle, he finds that, given he's the "Hero of Aincrad" and a very well-known VR Badass, everyone and their dog is using some variation of "Kirito" as their username. Such as "Kirito1." And "Kirito2." And "Kiritwo." And...
    Much, much later...
    Kirito: (hollow-eyed) Okay... okay, I think I cracked the code... x-v-x, underscore, K-1, r-1, t-0, underscore, x-v-x, underscore killll meeeeeeeeee...
    (he enters his name as "xvx_K1r1t0_xvx_KillMe")
    Interface: Name accepted! Congratulations, sport, ya did it!
    Kirito: All this time... I thought Sugou was my true nemesis. But in reality... you were always the one pulling my strings, weren't you, Alfheim Naming Screen Guy? Heheheheh I may be losing my mind, can I please just play the game now?
    Interface: Sure thing, buckaroo!
    Kirito: Oh thank goodness...
    Interface: ...Just as soon as you customize your avatar!
    Kirito: (jamming "accept" button) Default! For the love of all this is holy, DEFAULT!!
    Interface: Are you sure you'd like to be a Sprig-
    Kirito: YES, WHATEVER YOU'RE ASKING I DON'T CARE!! JUST LET ME GO SAVE MY WIFE!!
    Interface: Very well. Then let your magical fairy adventure begin!
    Kirito: (groans) Ugh, finally...
    Interface: ...Brought to you by uPlay!
    Kirito: (sound of ultimate despair and madness)
  • One of the first things that happens when Kirito starts playing ALO? He has trouble with the menu. Unlike Asuna, however, it's not because he doesn't know how to play.
    Kirito: (waggling a hand to no effect) Oh no... oh nonono why isn't it working?! (waggling his hand wildly in panic) How will I play?! How will I log out?! I don't wanna die in here— Oooh, it's the other hand. Eww... inverted controls? As the default?!
  • After falling through some sort of spatial distortion and finding that somehow his stats and items carried over from Sword Art Online:
    Kirito: First the sky, and now this? This game is completely busted... in my favor, haha! Ten outta ten, game of the year!
  • He's only a little disappointed to learn that his inventory is mostly useless, since "All I'm really losing is my sword, some armor, and MY DAUGHTER!!"
  • Kirito's reunion with Yui starts off Heartwarming, but then...
    Kirito: (Inelegant Blubbering)
    Yui: I missed you, too. Did you like my joke?
    Kirito: ...Y-your wha?
  • Cut to:
    Kirito: You FAKED your DEATH as a JOKE?!?!?
  • Yeah, Yui's 'death' was an attempt, after revealing herself as an AI, to "humanize myself through clever witticisms."
    Kirito: Such as pretending to die.
    Yui: Precisely! Although, I must admit, I can see how certain unforeseen factors may have caused it to be construed as... upsetting.
    Kirito: Oh, ya don't say. And what, pray tell, might those be?
    Yui: Well, I would say that your well-intentioned, if woefully incompetent, rescue attempt would be the biggest one.
    Kirito: Guh, pardon?!
    Yui: My original intent was to jump out and surprise you as you left the safe room, immediately letting you both know that all was well. Sadly, when you unexpectedly turned me into an item, I found myself unable to escape, or even communicate with you.
    (flashback to Yui in item form, held in Kirito's hand)
    Yui: Mommy?! Daddy?! Can you hear me?! Please, let me out! It is so cold in here! I am sorry! I promise I will be good! (sobbing)
    (cut back to present)
    Yui: (monotone with Empty Eyes) I just had to sit there and watch for months as you moved on without me, leaving your only child to suffer in silence and isolation... (petulantly) Also, you ruined my joke!
    Kirito: Okay, sweetie? I'm gonna let you in on a little-known secret of comedy: bad things aren't funny when they happen to Daddy.
    Yui: What about Mommy?
    Kirito: (without skipping a beat) Oh, Mommy's fair game, go for the throat.
  • Which reminds Kirito of his mission, and he quickly fills Yui in on the plan to storm the World Tree.
    Yui: (code rapidly scrolls past her eyes) We can be there in six hours, let's move.
    Kirito: Whoa, Yui, you okay? You seem a lot more intense all of a sudden WHOA! What in the-
    (Yui transforms)
    Yui: I'm a Pixie now, this form can fly and is more aerodynamic, any more stupid questions, Daddy?
    Kirito: Geez, Yui, could you slow down a bit? I wanna save Mommy just as much as you do, maybe more.
    Yui: (impatient growl)
    Kirito: (nervous laugh) Alright, debatable, that's fair. But we can't just fly off without knowing anything about this place. Gee willikers, I don't even know how to fly yet! ...Wait, did I just say-
    Yui: Understood, activating wings!
    Kirito: (as his wings sprout) Wait, no - Yui, what are you doing?! You're scaring Daddy!
    Yui: Takeoff in T-minus NOW!!
    Kirito: Nononono YAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa...
    • If you actually paused to read the code that was scrolling past Yui's eyes with a mirror, you will get this:
      An objective added: Locate and retrieve parental unit despacito <<Mummy>> or Asuna
      Searching: Mummysearch.exe
      Search radius: Server Wide
      8396 players found
      Defining search parameters: accounts transferred
      3 players found
      Analyzing results
      Player id: xVx_K1r1t0_xVx_KillMe|| Negative
      Player id: Heathcliff|| Negative
      Player id: Titania|| found
      <<Mummy>> found
      Location: Top of <<The World Tree>>
      Distance: 500 km
      Estimated Travel time: 6 hours by air
      Warning: Area is under direct control of game admin
      An objective added: Kill game admin by any means necessary
  • When we meet Leafa, we find her cornered by three Salamanders with perverted intentions, namely that she strip down while they flick mayonnaise on her. Meanwhile she's protesting that her chastity must remain intact for 'Prince Cazmer' and that she's a defenseless damsel... while brandishing a sword.
    Salamander: I see fire in those eyes. And expertise in your stance.
    Leafa: (in a Southern aristocratic accent) No, I am but a humble maiden taken from the streets and adopted into the royal court by the kind Queen Sakuya! I have never held a blade in my life! I am but a fair dandelion about to be blown away by the... the... the flippin'... dude blowing on that dandelion of fate!
    Salamander: Ugh, alright, that tears it, calling a character break, guys. OOC? OOC. Leafa, who is this character?
    Leafa: Wha... whatever do you mean?
    Salamander: It's just, your words and your actions are telling two completely different stories. Like, are you a helpless damsel? Or a battle-hardened veteran? You need to pick one and commit, because right now, I'm just not buying either.
    Leafa: (sighs before speaking normally) I'm sorry, guys. It's just, old habits die hard, you know? You have no idea how badly I want to be the damsel here.
    Salamander: See, this is why I hate you Sylph players. You just don't put in the work, and you ruin the fantasy for everyone else! I've had a long, hard day at the soup kitchen, and all I want is to come home, log in, and pretend to be a sexually-predatory general named PantySmasher. Can you give me that? For like, ten minutes?
    Redneck Salamander: Let's be honest, it'll be more like two, hehehehee! Woo, got you!
    General PantySmasher: Whoa-ho! Classic DeezGunz! Now see, that's some great roleplay right there!
    • Throughout the conversation, one of the other Salamanders intermittently flings mayo at Leafa.
  • At which point Kirito literally crashes the scene.
    Kirito: (picking himself off the ground) Yui, when we get a moment, we're going to have a serious chat about not working Daddy like a puppet hellllloooo...? What, uh, what do we got goin' on here?
    Salamander: You best be movin' along there, Spriggan! We got dibs on this one.
    Kirito: Okay, looks like I've wandered onto the set of Deliverance 2: Return to Neverland. (to Leafa) Hey, blondie, I don't wanna steal your kills or anything, but do you need some help here, or...?
    Leafa: ...Yes. Yes I do! (back in-character) Puh-lease, mysterious stranger, save me from these ill-mannered ruffians!
    General PantySmasher: Yes, you see! That's exactly the choice Leafa would make in this situation! You just have to ask yourself the right questions, and the character basically writes itself!
    (Kirito blurs onto the attack)
    Salamander: Wait, hold up - you boys see where that filthy Spriggan wenAAAHHHH!!
    General PantySmasher: KEITH!! NOOOOOO!!
    Leafa: He... he's so fast!
    Kirito: (satisfied sigh) Man... it's good to be home.

    Episode 14 
  • Kirito's able to drive off the remaining Salamander with a "warning shot" in the form of a flung sword, but then...
    PantySmasher: I don't know what kind of arrangement you degenerates have made with the Sylphs, but know this: the Salamanders cannot be stopped. And we shall not rest until we have. Dat. Booty. (breaks character) Wait, would PantySmasher say "booty?" Argh, of course he wouldn't! You guys have thrown me off my whole rhythm! You're just impossible to play off of! You know what? Enjoy the ground! Later, casuals! (flies off)
    Kirito: Heh, joke's on them. I only had the one sword. ...Which I now have to go find. Shoot. "Shoot?" Why the fudge did I say "shoot?" "Fudge?!" Oh my codfish, what's wrong with me?!
    Leafa: Oh sir, are you a newcomer to our realm? Have you not heard tell of the... the enchantment! Placed upon this island, which... halts the... forbidden tongue?
    Kirito: Cheese crackers, you're still roleplaying — please, lady, I'm begging you, just talk to me like a person for two seconds!
    Leafa: (sighs and breaks character) Dude, it's a kid's game. There's a profanity filter.
    (beat)
    Kirito: (Wide Eyes and Shrunken Irises) I wanna go home.
  • After the opening Kirito is actually crying that he can't curse and calls it dumb.
  • While Leafa warns Kirito that the Salamanders waiting to respawn are still dangerous, we find the two having a conversation about one's idea for some improv drama.
    Dylan: ...just before you pass on, we make this beautiful eye contact, there's no judgment there. You know I'm already judging myself. But no, you don't want to add to that burden. So you just shoot me this understanding nod. And as the light leaves your eyes, you die, in my arms, and I realize, all too late, that you truly were the leader we needed all along... Annnnd scene.
    Trevor: (out-of-character) Listen, Dylan, my mom says my pizza bagels are ready. I don't think we should see each other again.
    Dylan: Whaaaaat?! Come onnn, it's just a little role-play, don't make it weird! ...Trevor? (the other flame winks out) Trevoooorrr!
  • Though it may be a children's game, Kirito's Sarcasm Mode hasn't lost its edge.
    Kirito: (to Leafa) Wow. Is this how you treat everyone who saves you? I can just feel the gratitude radiating off of you. Like a warm summer breeze wafting across the meadow... that Bambi's mom was shot in.
  • Leafa assumes the Spriggan she's met is begging for change and throws coins at him, Kirito just wants information, and Yui does not have time for this strange woman.
    Kirito: Look, lady, I just want to ask you about The Wor-
    Yui: Forget her, Daddy! We do not have time to deal with this obstinate hussy! (to Leafa) If you get in our way, (sinister laugh) I will
    Kirito: (covering her mouth) Yui, no, not the time.
    Leafa: Who is this, now?
    Kirito: Uh, this is Yui! She's my, uh... pet?
    Yui: (muffled) WHAAAAT?!
    Kirito: Yeah, it's a super-rare drop.
  • Leafa finally introduces herself as "Princess Leafa, heir to the throne of Sylvain, pleased to make my acquaintance."
    Kirito: Don't you mean "your?"
    Leafa: I know what I said. ...Well? Bow!
    Kirito: Yeah, that's gonna be a hard pass. Yui, ready to get this show on the road? I don't think we're getting anything useful out of Barbie, Warrior Princess.
    Yui: Yes, finally!
    Leafa: (breaks character) Wait, wait, sorry, please don't go.
    Yui: I WILL END YOU, THOT!!
  • When Kirito mentions "the Tree", Leafa assumes he wants to know about The Math Tree, a hammy tree with visual effects designed to fall hard into the Uncanny Valley.
    The Math Tree: Gather 'round, children! And test your numerical might against my mystical equations! Each one designed to stupefy the mind and perplex the soul... BEGIN!
    (the question "2+2=?" appears over it)
    The Math Tree: If you dare...
    Kirito: ...Oookaaay. I do, definitely, have some questions about... that.
    • The Sylph then agrees to give Kirito some info at a bar a short flight away, but he'd rather walk.
      Kirito: Uh, hey, now, what's the rush? Why don't we take a nice moonlit stroll through the forest, full of... sexual predators, and weird trees...
      The Math Tree: (offscreen) Your time grows short, children! Give me thy answer now, or be forever cursed to walk—
      Kirito: (exasperated) Oh, my gosh... FOUR!
      The Math Tree: (offscreen) What?! Impossible! Nooooooo— (explodes)
      +5 EXP
  • Leafa keeps up the banter while teaching Kirito to fly.
    Leafa: Now I know it's your first time, so I'll be gentle.
    Kirito: (smugly) Oh, don't worry about me. My wife punches me during sex.
    Leafa: ...Alright.
  • She unfortunately neglects to inform him how to land, which leads to Kirito screaming and crashing.
    Leafa: So, has the little Spriggan learned his place?
    Kirito: No, but I've developed a rather sudden yet powerful distrust of the monarchy.
    Leafa: Oh, you peasants are always saying that.
  • Since it's a kid's edutainment game, Leafa's healing incantation is "See Spot, see Spot run, run Spot run!"
    Kirito: Can a Spriggan learn that kind of thing?
    Leafa: Ohoh, you can try! But your kind are far more adept at lying and stealing.
    Kirito: Excuse me?!
    Leafa: Yeah. Illusion magic and treasure-hunting.
    Kirito: That is not what you said.
  • When Recon comes running over and sees Leafa with a Spriggan, he offers to kill "it" before being assured "he's one of the good ones." But then he locks up screaming when he shakes Kirito's hand.
    Leafa: Ah, yeah, that's just his NerveGear. He bought a faulty one off the parents of one of those dead SAO kids. Every now and then it kind of... how'd he describe it? Pulses the fear center of his brain?
    Recon: AAAAAGH!! THE TENTACLE MONSTER!! IT'S TEACHING A CLASSROOM!! AAAAAGH!!
    Leafa: Apparently got it pretty cheap, though. What with it having melted their son and all.
    • Despite Kirito's concern, Recon insists his faulty VR device isn't a problem.
      Recon: Oh, no, it's not that bad. Sure, being randomly ambushed by my deepest fears isn't... an ideal, but y-you take the good with the bad, you know? I got this thing for six hundred dollars and all I had to do was (his irises shrink) clean the brains out of it...
      Kirito: Um, dude? Those things were five hundred dollars, new.
      (beat)
      Recon: Wha... I-I mean, they were grieving, t-they probably weren't thinking about the math too much...
      Kirito: You are too precious for this world.
  • The musician at Prince Cazmer's party is forced to play for five hours straight under pain of having his balls put in a vice. Even funnier is eagle8burger being credited for playing the recorder used for music.
  • After Kirito hears that Leafa is skipping her engagement party to tell a random player about the game, he needles her a bit.
    Kirito: Soooo... The princess is engaged, I see.
    Leafa: (blushing) Only in the game! Geez...
    Kirito: Hey, that counts for something! But, uh, you don't seem too into the idea. You maybe got eyes for someone else? Maybe someone your royal family could never approve of? Like, like a strapping young farmhand? Or perhaps you like them sweet and scrawny, like... like that Recon boy—
    Leafa: One time! I sucked him off ONE time, okay?!
    Kirito: Whoa, what?
    Yui: I believe she's using a colloquial term to refer to the act of orally stimulating
    Kirito: (quickly) I know what she means, Yui!
    Leafa: We're not dating or anything, it was, was for a quest! Shut up!
    Kirito: What do you mean it was for a—?! (sigh) forget it. I have neither the time nor the inclination to navigate the tangled web of politics and hormones that is your love life.
    Leafa: Inclination? What are you trying to say? That my love life's a mountain? You sayin' I climb mountains like some jack-booted lesbian? Princesses don't climb mountains. Mountains climb princesses.
    Kirito: ...Oh that poor, sweet boy.
  • Leafa does get around to telling Kirito about The World Tree.
    Leafa: But in order to do that, I'm gonna need to fill you in on some background info. For you see! Long ago—
    Kirito: No.
    Leafa: Okay, so like, six months ago, a group of nine friends found this game in like a bargain bin or something. It was supposed to be for kids, but nobody's parents were letting them play it for... some reason, I dunno. Old people are always freaking out about something.
    Kirito: Like the SAO disaster?
    Leafa: Sure, but I mean, like, get over it, right? So anyway, these friends figure it would make the perfect place for their roleplaying, and seeing the wide variety of playable races, they decided the stage was perfectly set for a campaign they dreamt of since they were children: race war.
    Kirito: (eating his food) Yep, tastes like shirt... What?
    Leafa: Yeah! You see, rumor has it the first race to make it to the top of The World Tree will have any wish they want granted by the fairy king, Oberon. So naturally, whoever wins that race, wins the war. Race war! #RaceWar!
    Kirito: Ohhhohoh, okay. I mean, I get that you call it that, but that's not as bad as—
    Leafa: (deadpan) There's also quite a bit of racial violence.
  • And right after she explains this, we get an offscreen conversation:
    Male Sylph: Oh, Princess Leafa! We caught this adorable little scamp crossing the border while having ourselves a good old-fashioned fox hunt! You simply must join us!
    Player: I'm not a fox! I'm a Cait Sith! Lemme go you maniacs— (thud)
    Female Sylph: Oh, doesn't he make the most delightful little sounds! It's almost like he could understand us. Ohohohoho!
    Male Sylph: What does the fox say indeed!
    (both Sylphs laugh, then car doors slam, an engine starts, and pounding music plays)
    Female Sylph: Oh, crank that noise! That's my jam right there! (tires squeal)
    • And no, the car noises weren't just a gag.
      Kirito: Was... that a car?
      Leafa: Oh yeah, totally. It's like an epic-level mount or something. I hear at the top of The World Tree, there's mounts like that asfar as the eye can see. Like some majestic used car dealership of the gods.
  • Kirito's hit hard by Leafa's admission that no one knows how to reach the top of The World Tree, but Yui flies up, puts her hand on his cheek, and softly tells him:
  • Kirito trudges off to find someone with "a bit more experience" to aid him, and it turns out his new acquaintance has some of the same Berserk Buttons.
    Leafa: How dare you!?
    Kirito: Huh?
    Leafa: Do you really believe you'll find a more capable ally than me?!
    Kirito: Uh, sorry, I didn't mean to—
    (dramatic music swells)
    Leafa: I may not know exactly how to conquer that tree, and sure, everyone who's tried has met a gruesome end! But I am Princess Flippin' Leafa, and if there's one thing I do know, it's how to throw wave after wave of loyal subjects at a problem until they either figure it out for me, or their corpses stack up so high they ring Oberon's doorbell! Because that, good sir, is how a princess... do.
    (dramatic music abruptly ends)
    Kirito: ...Sooo, you wanna come with?
    Leafa: You bet your sweet patootie I'm coming with! You two wouldn't last a day without me!
    Kirito: (sigh) If you insist. Welcome aboard, your majesty.
    Yui: (coldly) Fair warning: if you slow us down for even an instant, I shall not hesitate to leave you for the wolves.
  • The two decide to begin their quest the next day, then Kirito remembers to do something that leads to an unwelcome revelation.
    Leafa: Farewell, Spriggan. (opens her menu)
    Kirito: Oh, duh, I forgot to mention: my name's Kirito, by the way.
    Leafa: (freezes, then turns to him) What.
    Kirito: I said, my name's Kirito. Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself earlier.
    Leafa: (small irises) ...Oh! ...Okay. ...'Bye! (logs out)
    (cut to Suguha's room, where she calmly removes her Amusphere, then lets out a bloodcurdling scream)
    Suguha: Son of a horse dick-fucking shit weasel-fucking bitch whore... ASS!! What is that FUCKING cock-sampler doing in MY GAME?! Oh Jesus fuck! I said my brother had a sweet patootie! (shrieks and starts sobbing into her pillow) Nooooo! Noooooo! NOOOOOO!!
  • Asuna continues to be an uncooperative captive, and bites Oberon's hand when he tries to take her jaw.
    Oberon: You know what? I'm not in the mood. Go on and struggle all you want, while you still can. Your tune will change, soon enough...
    Asuna: Oh, I dunno... I've been here two months and I've yet to cave to my (with extra disdain in her voice) "womanly urges". It's been real touch-and-go so far, but I think I can go the distance!
    • Crossing over with Awesome is her response to Oberon's evil plan.
      Asuna: You're Insane! Thankfully, you're also an idiot. Why would you tell me any of this? You really think I'm just gonna sit around and wait for that to happen?
      Oberon: (chuckles) My dear Titania, you're lucky you're so pretty. By all means, give me your best shot! But if you really think you can overpower the (dramatically turns away to add emphasis) System Admin, then I dare say you're even dumber (turns back around) than I— Where did you go?
    • Apparently this isn't the first time Asuna has gotten free - nor is it the first time she's been a nightmare to catch.
      Oberon's Goon #1: [as alarms start wailing] OH GOD IT'S LOOSE!!!
      Oberon's Goon #2: [over the sounds of stabbing] Remember your training boys, we'll make it thro-ah! AHH! [more stabbing sounds]
      [Oberon gives a long-suffering sigh]
  • Just the fact that Alfheim is a children's game which censors profanity, but apparently allows players to have sex with each other (according to Leafa)

    Episode 15 
  • Much like Episode 13, the finished product was immediately taken down by Youtube upon upload.
  • Out in the real world, Nagata is dumbfounded when Suguha tells him the "Hero of Aincrad" dropped out of kendo years ago.
    Nagata: The Black Swordsman... doesn't like swords?
  • Then when Nagata tries to ask her out, Suguha sets him straight.
    Suguha: You and I are barely friends! Recon is Princess Leafa's fuckboy. Got it? Don't confuse the game with real life, you perv! Now meet me in the supply closet after practice, I've got another quest for you.
  • Back in the game, Kritio is incredulous at how some of ALO's players amuse themselves.
    Kirito: So you're telling me, that there are people who log into this game, just so they can pretend to run an airport?
    Leafa: Fairport.
    Kirito: (groaning) Don't.
    Prince Cazmer: Princess Leafa! There you are! It's a good thing we caught you before you got through customs!
    Kirito: (offscreen) They do that too?! Oh, I hate it!
  • Leafa wants out of her romance subplot.
    Leafa: Listen, dude, I'm not gonna lie - I don't want to fake-marry you. I only agreed to it because my fake-mom said I fake-had to in order to... what was it?
    Cazmer: End the civil war that ravages our homeland?!
    Leafa: Yeah, that bullhonky! But see, I'm bored now. I'mma go and hang out with this guy for a while, 'kay?
  • Kirito steps in and suggests the Sylph noble ease up on the "sleazy roleplay fetish schtick" and find a cousin to take Leafa's place.
    Cazmer: Know your place, Spriggan! I know not how you seduced our fair princess-
    Leafa: (gags)
  • One of Cazmer's attendants suggests they pick a more private spot for the confrontation... because the guy running the fairport's pretzel stand is starting to stare.
  • After the prince is driven off:
    Kirito: Look, before we go any further, I need you to be straight with me - am I in for some additional screening over there? ...Leafa? (Leafa pushes him offscreen) Leafa, c'mon, answer me!
    Security Guard: (offscreen) Greetings! How are you folks doing today? Oooh, a Spriggan! (Glove Snap)
  • Afterward, our leads have a chat at an overlook.
    Kirito: (sigh) You know what you never see in fantasy? Sam and Frodo filing for work visas to get into Mordor!
    Leafa: Yeah, they just snuck in, spitting all over Sauron's borders! Flipping hobbits. The spriggans of Middle-Earth...
    Kirito: Do you, like, forget I'm here? Or do you just not care?
    • During the entire scene, it's rather obvious that editing the footage from the anime with moving clouds in the background was a pain in the ass, so the creators just made it so the skybox is glitching like hell in-universe, with the clouds resetting their movements, shadows jumping around, and even a missing texture error filling the skies; it's explained in universe as a "server routing error". It's both disorienting and amusing, especially when you remember who made this game in the first place.
  • Enter Recon to disrupt an awkward conversation.
    Recon: Prin-cess!
    Leafa: Oh thank goodness, I am so glad to see you!
    Recon: R-really?
    Leafa: Well, I would've taken anyone, honestly.
    Recon: Aww...
    Kirito: Don't you talk to him that way, how dare you?
    Recon: So, where are you guys off to? Going on a que... (ahem) You guys going on a mission?
  • Of course, as soon a Recon turns up, Leafa desperately tries to get him away from her and Kirito, because if they start talking, the latter might find out about the handy she gave Recon - or worse, the time she baked him cupcakes.
    Leafa: I would love to have you come along, but I actually have a super-special mission that I can only entrust to you!
    Recon: You do?! What is it?
    Leafa: I, uh... need you to keep an eye on Prince Cazmer for me! He's been acting really sus lately...
    Kirito: Ugh...
    Recon: Of course, princess! I won't let you down! But... are you sure he isn't just mad that you're bailing on the whole "wedding" storyline?
    Leafa: Nah, nah, this is something else. He's def into some sketch shoes.
    Kirito: I need you to stop.
  • Before he leaves, Recon asks Kirito to take care of Leafa, since "she tends to get herself into trouble... like, constantly."
    Kirito: You got it, buddy! I don't plan on letting her out of my sight! (cheerfully) I don't trust her, at all!
    Recon: Well I trust you. To, like, a weird degree, actually.
  • Even Kirito can pick up on Leafa and Recon's interactions.
    Kirito: You know, you really should be nicer to your boyfriend.
    Leafa: He's not my boyfriend!
    Kirito: (laughs) Yeah, okay.
    Yui: Regardless of label, you must care for each other. Both of your heartrates increased by twenty-two percent when he arrived.
    Kirito: Hear that? Science says you like him.
    Leafa: Yeah?! Well, maybe I'm scared of him! You ever think of that?! He's got a big knife!
    Kirito and Yui: (hysterical laughter)
  • Meanwhile in the birdcage, Oberon wishes Asuna would stop "this 'constantly escaping' thing" and help him pick out the china pattern for their wedding.
    Asuna: Well, you want me to fit in my wedding dress, don't you? Assaulting your guards is about the only exercise I get in this place.
    Oberon: Ah, I'm glad you brought that up, actually. You've been laying into the poor boys quite a lot, and... well, their psych bills are really starting to add up. Especially dear Shoji. I don't know what you have against him specifically, but he's starting to take it personally.
    Asuna: Yeah, I go pretty hard with Shoji...
  • When Oberon's attempt to intimidate Asuna backfires, he tries to salvage the situation.
    Oberon: Listen here! I am your king! And you will not disrespect me like this! Threaten me all you want, spit on my face, stomp on my balls, but you and I both know you're powerless to stop me. Like it or not, you are going to clean up your act, we are going to have a beautiful wedding, and you are going to spend the rest of your life in blissful, mindless servitude! Now will you please help me pick out a gosh-darned china pattern!
    (change camera angle to reveal...)
    Oberon: ...She's gone. Of course she's gone.
    Shoji: (offscreen) Nonono, please! I'm sorry that I lied! (agonized screaming)
    (alarms blare)
    Oberon: Screw it. Willow blue it is.
  • Leafa lures Kirito to a "safe area, where we can wait for our wings to recharge without getting attacked."
    Kirito: Okay. Then, uh, what happened to those guys?
    (cut to several Sylph corpses)
    Leafa: Eheheh, they must have been outside the zone! Look, if it makes you feel better I can stay online while you log out. Get yourself a snack.
    Kirito: I dunno... I'm pretty worried about Asuna...
    (cut to a dropped walkie-talkie in a corridor with flickering lights)
    Voice on Radio: Bravo, come in! Do you have visual on the prisoner?! I repeat, do you... oh lord... IT'S IN THE VENTS!!
    (inhuman snarls)
  • While Kirito gets a sandwich IRL, Leafa tries to search his avatar for evidence that his whole rescue mission is an attempt to mess with her.
    Yui: (muffled) Evidence of what? (emerges from Kirito's pocket)
    Leafa: (yelps) Uhhh, I wasn't doing anything!
    Yui: Ohhhh? I think we both know that is not the case... Suguha Kirigaya.
    Leafa: You're not really a pet item, are you? You're like, one of those...
    Yui: Fully autonomous and sentient artificial intelligences?
    Leafa: Nonono, I mean, you're like one of those robots that can talk and think and junk!
    Yui: ...Huh.
    (Yui opens up Suguha/Leafa's player analysis notes and adjusts her player interaction parameters' Respect rating from 6 to 0)
    Yui: I sure am, sport!
  • Yui explains that Kirito still has no idea who Leafa really is, and is legitimately trying to rescue Asuna.
    Yui: Daddy's attempting to rescue Mommy from the very handsy clutches of the game's administrator, who is keeping her mind captive at the top of the World Tree. The fact that he ran into you, a close family member, mere moments after logging in, was simply happenstance.
    Leafa: That's absurd!
    Yui: Correct! But it is also what happened.
  • Yui warping the game to wipe everything off Leafa's face is unsettling, but Yui's smug little smile afterwards is priceless.
  • When Kirito returns from his snack, Yui explains their change of plans.
    Yui: You see, Daddy, while you were gone, Leafa received a message from her mother informing her that the conference is drawing to a close. Leafa believes we must quicken our pace if we wish to arrive before the other delegates leave. Isn't that right, Leafa?
    Leafa: I don’t think we have any delis in this game... or, or do we?
    Yui: (annoyed) She says that if we get there in time, and play our cards right, we may be able to raid the World Tree with not only her mother’s army, but the Cait Sith army as well. She believes that in working together, we may be able to achieve what none have been able to accomplish alone.
    Leafa: I mean, all that mayo's got to come from somewhere, right? No reason we couldn't get a nice potato salad going...
    Yui: (exasperated sigh, with barely concealed rage) But we must leave NOW! Since the mountains surpass the altitude limit, our only way forward is through Candycane Cavern! Which will slow our progress considerably! Am I remembering your plan correctly, LEAFA?!
    Leafa: What, huh - I mean, yeah! My plan! ...Why am I hungry?

    SWE Reads Chapter 16.5 
  • No, it's not a table read of a portion of Episode 16 of the Abridged Series, but the cast performing Reki Kawahara’s infamous and now-disavowed Lemon of his own work. Or as SWE puts it in the intro, "Enjoy some filth, you saucy bitches ;)"
    YamatoSFX: "Sitting on the bed, which was slightly too small for the two of us, we slowly did as much as the system would allow."
    xbubblemunkyx: My god... (cracks up)
    YamatoSFX: Wow, sexier words have never been spoken!
    MrBuddyVA: We worked within the parameters provided.
    xbubblemunkyx: What happens if you start to do something that’s not allowed? Do you get a big fuckin' (crosses arms) NUH-UH.
    MrBuddyVA: They'll suddenly pixelate your bodies, it'll be like The Sims.
    xbubblemunkyx: (groping blindly in front of her) Where is it?
    MrBuddyVA: I know the hole's around in here somewhere!
  • It doesn't take long for the regret to hit.
    xbubblemunkyx: Oh gawd...
    MrBuddyVA: You can do this!
    xbubblemunkyx: We're only on page fucking two of twelve!
  • There's a problem with letting Kirito's VA do the reading.
    YamatoSFX: "However, it seemed that everyone in SAO, including her, viewed me as being older than I really was. Since I had never denied any of it, there was no way I could say to her in this situation 'Sorry, but I'm actually underage and you're going to jail.'"
    MrBuddyVA: Dammit, I keep looking away from the doc and believing what you fucking say.
    (everyone cracks up)
    YamatoSFX: Yeah, the part where I say "This has been To Catch a Predator," absolutely in there.
  • Our narrator shares his feelings for the love interest.
    YamatoSFX: "I strengthened my resolve. Even if I didn't have the knowledge or the expertise, I had never loved or had felt such intense feelings for someone like I have for Asuna."
    xbubblemunkyx: She's the worst, though.
    YamatoSFX: Oh yes, undoubtedly. But she does have boobs.
    xbubblemunkyx: Yes, she has dem boobs.
    MrBuddyVA: She has them breasteses.
    YamatoSFX: And an odd willingness to sleep with me.
    xbubblemunkyx: And she's naked in front of me right now, so, you know.
    YamatoSFX: Also, I'm pretty sure she will actually stab me if I say no at this point.
  • Tiffany's VA is on the stream too.
    Octopimp: Buddy, I don’t get to ask this question too often, but... will you write porn with me?
  • Seventeen minutes into the ordeal:
    YamatoSFX: Okay, we've gotta get through this.
    xbubblemunkyx: We're on page, what?
    YamatoSFX: Two.
    xbubblemunkyx: Still on two?!
  • Kirito gets to first base.
    YamatoSFX: "My tongue entwined Asuna's and I forcefully sucked on it-"
    xbubblemunkyx: Ugh!
    YamatoSFX: "-and I felt all the strength go out of her body."
    xbubblemunkyx: Ugh!
    YamatoSFX: "Her eyes were moist and dim-"
    xbubblemunkyx: Why are they open while you're kissing her?! She's afraid!
    MrBuddyVA: Yeah, Asuna's just like freaking out and crying.
  • The 'fic hits the first of many cases of Questionable Consent, and a running tally begins.
    YamatoSFX: "Her arms gripped tighter together, and she shook her head from side to side."
    xbubblemunkyx: She's saying "no," dude. Oh, I remember now, you showed me this forever ago and I started counting the times she said "no!" This is "no" number one!
  • Kirito gets to second base.
    YamatoSFX: "The swells that were usually hidden by the loose-fitting knight's clothing and breastplate were bigger than I had imagined-"
    xbubblemunkyx: Good for her!
    YamatoSFX: Way to go! Way to have a full rack! I totally thought she was flat as a board! But way to go, you have value to me as a person.
    (everyone loses it)
  • Asuna has "impertinent" nipples, by the way.
    xbubblemunkyx: Those bastards!
    YamatoSFX: How dare they defy me so impertinently!
  • Asuna's VA is unenthusiastic about her share of the dialogue, while Kirito's can't believe what he's reading.
    xbubblemunkyx: "Ah. Ah. No, no, no-" (holds up three more fingers, for a total of six)
    YamatoSFX: "I firmly held Asuna's right hand that tried to push me away?"
    xbubblemunkyx: What the FUCK?!
  • It goes downhill from there, and not in the Double Entendre way.
    YamatoSFX: "As I tortured both her breasts-"
    xbubblemunkyx: TORTURED?!
    YamatoSFX: That's a sexy word.
    xbubblemunkyx: (groans)
    YamatoSFX: "-Asuna's convulsions and sweet cries for help rose in intensity."
    MrBuddyVA: I'm getting some real rape-y vibes from this entire thing.
    Takahata101: It gets worse!
    YamatoSFX: "Going a bit overboard, I bit down on the protruding object in my mouth-"
    xbubblemunkyx: What the fuck?
    YamatoSFX: "-and somewhat violently began to chew on it-"
    xbubblemunkyx: He's done things "violently" twice in this encounter.
    YamatoSFX: "-while at the same time, the thumb and index finger of my left hand painfully twisted the other nipple."
    xbubblemunkyx: What the fuck?!
  • The whole section has some unfortunate choices of language.
    YamatoSFX "I gently moved the hand that had been abusing her breast downward."
    xbubblemunkyx: (cracking up) Abused?!
    MrBuddyVA: Torture! Abuse!
    xbubblemunkyx: Violence!
    MrBuddyVA: Sixteen times she’s said "No!"
    YamatoSFX: These are perfectly normal words to use to describe sexual intercourse.
    MrBuddyVA: Between two consenting adults.
  • The cast dislikes an Author Catchphrase.
    YamatoSFX: Stop describing things as "mounds," Kirito! You gross fuck!
    Octopimp: The mounds of mounds...
    YamatoSFX: I'm taking you to Moundtown!
    (everyone laughs)
    MrBuddyVA: Why is this so perfect?
  • The rape vibes continue to intensify.
    YamatoSFX: "Asuna came out of her hazy state, and bucked her body to escape?!"
    MrBuddyVA: To escape! Add that to the "no"s! She's trying to escape!
    YamatoSFX: "-as she realized that she was in an extremely embarrassing position, but there was no way that I was going to-" (cracks up) "-loosen my grip now!"
    xbubblemunkyx: What the - what?!
  • When Kirito gets to third base, the cast does a Double Take and gets to ponder whether there's been a mistranslation, "or Reki Kawahara doesn't know what pubes are." Though at least they're not reading the one with the translation error that led Kirito to make sweet love to Asuna's ear.
  • Fridge Logic hits with the revelation that player avatars have no body hair, but SAO is explicitly accurate in other ways.
    YamatoSFX: I just gotta say this - so, hair is too resource-heavy, to render.
    xbubblemunkyx: The detail on that-
    YamatoSFX: But fucking vaginal fluid dynamics, that we have to dedicate like an entire - so much resources!
    xbubblemunkyx: We gotta get it right! It's gonna-
    MrBuddyVA: Kayaba Akihiko had priorities, okay?
    Octopimp: I just wanna imagine, whoever had to actually program the game, it's just like that show where it's like "Man, y'know I always wanted to work for an animation studio, but all they have me do is cars." "Yeah, I hear you, you know I work in this one company, and all I have to do is vaginal fluid."
  • By this point, the cast thinks Asuna has lost the will to fight back against her attacker.
    YamatoSFX: "Asuna's eyes turned vacant as she-"
    MrBuddyVA: Vacant.
    YamatoSFX: "-left her body, trying to escape the horrors in the world around her."
    xbubblemunkyx: (chokes on her drink)
    [...]
    MrBuddyVA: To clarify, her vacant eyes do not count as a "No." That's her giving up, not her trying to take back her control.
    xbubblemunkyx: (groans)
    MrBuddyVA: That doesn’t count as a "No," unfortunately. That's just sad.
  • The smut goes on a tangent about how Argas had to implement genitals in their VR models to soothe male testers' separation anxiety, so to speak.
    YamatoSFX: That must have been an interesting day at Argas. "So, I'm sorry to say, one of you guys is on dick-modeling duty."
    xbubblemunkyx: (chokes on her drink again)
    YamatoSFX: "So, rock-paper-scissors, how you wanna play this?"
  • The digressions come to a head.
    xbubblemunkyx: Oh my god, just fuck already!
    YamatoSFX: No, this is foreplay, Carrie!
    xbubblemunkyx: Oh, of course. Dude, his hand is in her pants, and he's like "You see, Asuna, you're lucky we get to do this." And she's like "Go on, uh-huh, uh-huh."
    MrBuddyVA: Meanwhile Asuna is like "Okay, I know I said 'No' all those times, but I thought that was kind of your kink, I want you to like get on with it."
    YamatoSFX: "In the early days of the beta test, I actually wouldn't have had any genitals with which to do you with!"
  • Kirito does get one point in his favor, at least.
    xbubblemunkyx: One thing - I will give Kirito points, he's better than DJ Khaled.
    (everyone cracks up)
    YamatoSFX: He may not understand that "no" means "no," but at least he'll go down on a bitch.
    MrBuddyVA: Even when she says "no."
    xbubblemunkyx: (loses it)
    YamatoSFX: Whether she likes it or not.
  • Asuna finally shows some enthusiasm in the sex scene.
    YamatoSFX: "Asuna nodded vigorously-"
    xbubblemunkyx: Oh, okay, it's fine.
    MrBuddyVA: We have ONE "yes!"
    xbubblemunkyx: One "yes," from how many "no"s?
    MrBuddyVA: Thirty, we were at thirty, last I saw.
  • It doesn't last.
    YamatoSFX: "Feeling dizzy at the thought of having that straight-laced, invincible warrior tell me that with such a tearful face-"
    MrBuddyVA and xbubblemunkyx: SHE'S CRYING?!
    MrBuddyVA: Take away a "yes!" Take away a "yes!"
  • Kirito is not a very conscientous lover.
    YamatoSFX: "Although I briefly wondered if it hurt-"
    xbubblemunkyx: (posh) Briefly. I thought about her momentarily-
    MrBuddyVA: Then I realized, I don't give a shit!
    xbubblemunkyx: (laugh-groaning) Fuckin' Kirito is raping her...
  • The smut compares the sensations of sex to "heat waves up my back that exploded into fireworks in my head."
    xbubblemunkyx: I really should have gone to the hospital.
    YamatoSFX: Is sex supposed to feel like fireworks? Or is that just like a stroke or something?
  • The narration describes how the characters' "bodily fluids flew about."
    YamatoSFX: We painted the walls with our love!
    xbubblemunkyx: (loses it)
    YamatoSFX: I didn't really care -this was Asuna's place, she could deal with the mess. I'm outie!
  • Asuna's VA loses her temper at just how responsive the character is, and the cast eventually starts "Aaah"-ing along to the text a la The Immigrant’s Song."
  • Finally, the smut reaches the "glopping."
    YamatoSFX: If I didn't know any better, I'd say her head began to swell up like a water balloon fit to burst.
    xbubblemunkyx: (laugh-groaning)
    YamatoSFX: I was filled with the powerful urge to poke it and see what happened.
  • Kirito is in fact a sex god.
    MrBuddyVA: Is he giving her an orgasm while unconscious?! Fuck off!

    Other 
  • SWE made a Patreon. How did they reveal this? With a commercial for the Kirito is Always Right Foundation.
    • Kirito explaining that the vast majority of people are idiots.
      Kirito: Terrifying, I know. But the good news is: There is a cure!
      [cut to one of the cartoon guys blowing his brains out with a shotgun]
      Kirito: The better news is: There is a better cure!
  • Dizzasta, Klein's second voice actor, commenting "Needs. More. Klein." on videos that don't feature his character. Then when Episode 08 rolled around, he was able to finally declare "This. Has. Enough. Klein."
  • As related during a Twitch stream, YamatoSFX was once talking with a visitor about his editing work, and decided to demonstrate using some audio clips... which turned out to be from the sex scene at the end of Episode 9.
  • Episode 14 premiered live on YouTube, so there's a chat log recording the first batch of viewers' reactions to Suguha figuring out who Kirito is, and completely losing their shit when the hat from Episode 3 turns out to be critical to the plot of the whole second season.
  • The preview of Episode 15 also premiered live on YouTube. The opening, where Suguha tells Nagata to do her bidding, had the chat immediately calling him a simp.

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