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Funny / "Stone Cold" Steve Austin

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McMahon 3:16 says I just pissed my pants!
"Austin 3:16" might mean that Stone Cold just whipped your ass, but as evidenced by the moments below, it could very well also mean that he's just made you laugh your ass off.

  • Austin 3:16 isn't supposed to be a Biblical reference. Now read Revelation 3:16 and see how appropriate it seems. Of course, he wasn't remotely trying to imply that his opponent was lukewarm in his faith.
  • Let's face it, the Stunner is a hilarity in itself, especially when the receiver sells by flying through the air like they're on a bouncy castle. Special mention needs to go to Kurt Angle and his 'falls like a tree being cut down' technique, anybody who drinks Austin's beer spraying beer when they're hit, Santino Marella for some reason saluting while sailing through the air, and, of course, The Rock bouncing and flopping like a dead fish long after the move has been hit.
  • Whenever Steve Austin signals for a beer to be thrown towards him, whoever throws it always does it perfectly, even from a distance like to the other side of the ring. They always land perfectly in his hands. The funniest part is the camera never shows who is throwing it either.
    • Austin would later reveal it was longtime WWE timekeeper Mark Eaton throwing him the beers.
  • "If you put the letter S in front of the word 'Hitman,' you have my exact opinion of Bret Hart!"
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  • Austin holds Raw hostage and he calls out Vince McMahon because he says with pride that Mike Tyson is The Baddest Man on the Planet. Vince eventually comes down to the ring, and explains to Austin that "baddest man on the planet" is a figure of speech. Austin then calls his finger a figure of speech.
    Austin: (showing his middle finger to Vince) This is a figure of speech right here, how do you like it?
  • During his match with Dude Love at Over the Edge: In Your House, Austin grabs a chair and hits the ring apron with it...which then bounces back, slamming Austin right in his face.
  • After being fired by Vince McMahon, Austin showed up at the next RAW on a hunting trip. When he was accosted by the police, they asked him for his autograph instead of asking what he was doing there.
    • Later in the event, Stone Cold takes McMahon hostage, and challenges him to a You Bet Your Life style game where McMahon has to pick who will win in a match between The Undertaker and Kane. McMahon picks wrongnote , so Stone Cold drags him to the ring, and puts a gun to his head... only for it to be a "Bang!" Flag Gun, as shown in the page image. McMahon was so terrified, however, that he urinated himself.
    Austin: McMahon 3:16 says "I just pissed my pants!"
  • Austin in the ring with Santa Claus. Absolutely no one was surprised by how it ended...
    Austin: If he's not the real Santa Claus, gimme a "Hell no!"
    Crowd: HELL NO!
    • Made only the more absurd when, after Stunnering Santa, Jim Cornette, on commentary, yells out, "HE CRACKED KRIS' KRINGLE!"
  • The Austin-Angle-McMahon skits during the controversial InVasion arc.
    Austin: We don't need no stinkin' badges!
  • Austin's attack on Vince in a hospital combines this with Moment of Awesome. Mostly because he beat on Vince's bandaged foot, waffled him with a bedpan, shocked him with a defibrillator, and then forcefully gave him an enema.
  • Filling one of Mr. McMahon's Corvettes up with cement.
  • When Vince revealed himself as the "Higher Power" and basically the mastermind behind his own daughter's traumatizing kidnapping, Linda promoted Austin to CEO of the WWF in revenge. While incredibly short, Austin's run as CEO led to a string of funny moments which included putting his managers' jobs on line via a beer drinking contest, filling Vince's office with "bullshit", and converting Shane McMahon's salary into the beer budget.
  • He and Booker T brawled all over a supermarket. When Booker heard the sound of a can opening behind him, the look on his face was priceless.
    • "Price check on a jackass!"
    • The funniest part was when Austin sang the first line of "That's Amore" and then bashed Booker over the head with a frozen pizza.
  • Austin and Booker T had plenty of fun moments during their feud. One segment had Austin chasing Booker T all through a church, until suddenly they run into three nuns, who are in need of a ride to the orphanage. Not even Stone Cold can open up a can of whoop-ass in front of nuns, and thus Booker escapes. The best part is one nun pinching Austin's cheek and saying "Oh how cute, I bet you were an altar boy." Austin's frustrated expression is priceless.
  • During the 2002 Royal Rumble, Austin and Triple H are in the ring with the Hurricane and the Hurricane goes the goozle on both off them, prepping them for a chokeslam. They sell it like he's The Undertaker or Kane for about five seconds before they both look at each other and realize they're being choked by the freakin' Hurricane. Just as it dawns on the Hurricane that he just grabbed the necks of the two most decorated wrestlers of the Rumble that year, they grab him by the back of the neck and throw him over the ropes.
    • And earlier in the same match, Austin eliminated all three men in the ring within half a minute. He then mimed looking at his watch, and rolled two of them back into the ring to keep himself warmed up!
  • After had spent a long time as a heel acting as McMahon's stooge, Austin finally came around and started being a badass again. Surprisingly, McMahon was happy for him, and decided to play a little song for Austin on his guitar. Austin acted interested, then asked if he could see the guitar for a moment. McMahon looked off for a second, and then Stone Cold wheeled around and smashed the guitar over McMahon's head.
  • His feud with The Rock over the Intercontinental Championship. It ended with Austin not only throwing it off a bridge into a river, but outfitting The Rock for his own little expedition to go find it.
    • The little details that go along with it, like the grunt of exertion when he throws the oxygen tank over, complete with the splash down about five seconds later (the only thing other than the belt that can be heard making a splash).
  • His Twitter war with the sharks.
  • Austin thinks Lance Storm is BOOOOOOOOOORRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNG!!!
    • Unfortunately, this had the effect of killing Storm's wrestling career, as his entire gimmick revolved around being The Comically Serious.
  • The Weakest Link. Anne: "Stone Cold! Why should we know you?" Austin: *clearing his throat* "What?"
    • His explaination for voting for D-von was gold too
    Anne: "Why D-von?"
    Stone Cold: "I knew they'd team up against me, and I need to split them up now. I did it cuz I like him. Not much, but I like him"
    Anne: "Did you consider voting for Debra?
    Stone Cold: "I'm not that stupid. I may not get too many answers right today but if I vote against my wife, it'll be the dumbest thing I've ever done"
  • His ECW promos. Filled with many a Take That! against Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Eric Bischoff, Dusty Rhodes and WCW in general, they are pretty much Professional Wrestling's Crowning Moment of Funny.
  • The Steve Austin Show, a podcast he started in April 2013, can show that he is more of a Cloudcuckoolander than he is on Twitter. The current reigning top funny moment is episode 7, Austin vs. the Fly, wherein after multiple incidents with a particularly annoying fly in Mexico, he gives a biology lesson on flies and goes to war with one Mr. Fly.
    • What makes this moment even funnier? Mr. Fly actually BEATS Austin! (Of course, this was due to interference from "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka, who bashed Austin in the head with a coconut, but still...)
  • Yes, you see this one coming from a mile away, but, it still works. On the March 15, 2004, Raw, Sheriff Austin confronted Rene Dupree of Foreign Wrestling Heel Tag Team La Resistance about Dupree's French poodle Fifi, and said to "get rid of that French bitch." Dupree asked, "Are you calling Fifi a French bitch?" Austin: "No, I'm calling YOU a French bitch!"
  • This promo on RAW before the upcoming 2002 Rumble, in which he talks about working on his beer belly to get a low center of gravity so he couldn't be thrown out of the ring, and then was planning on adding to it by going down to the WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-A-Burger.
  • During the 1997 King of the Ring, Brian Pillman cut a promo about showing support for Bret Hart and his Foundation when unbeknownst to him, Austin was finished taking a break from the restroom and, in true Rattlesnake style, surprise-attacked him in the middle of the promo. He then dragged Pillman to the restroom and gave him a Swirlie.
    • The greatest part of that was Austin standing behind Pillman and mercilessly trolling him silently before finally lowering the boom.
  • Need to keep Stone Cold Steve Austin awake for a test? Just do what Dan Patrick did here.
  • His contribution to a roast of Zakk Wylde.
  • A favorite move of his is to knock his opponent into the corner and stomp on them, stop to give them a double salute, and finish off with a final stomp. It's pretty funny if it's the first time you've seen it.
  • Stone Cold smashed three cars in backstage promos in his career. In addiction to the aforementioned Corvette, which he filled with cement, he also backed over a Lincoln belonging to the Rock with a monster truck, and hit D-Generation X's tour bus with a cement block attached to a crane, somehow causing it to explode.
  • Stone Cold out of nowhere!
  • For a time around 2003, Austin served as co-GM of Raw, but had the restriction that he couldn't stun anyone - much to his chagrin - unless they laid a hand on him. After a Raw taping, Chris Jericho, who was a heel at the time, was in the ring celebrating a win when Austin came down for a beer party. After about 15 minutes of verbal sparring between themselves as well as the crowd - which was funny enough on its own - Austin, as a truce, handed Jericho a beer, who accepted it, took a swig, and as Austin turned around, patted his back before going to walk off. With a perfect shit-eating grin on his face - and the crowd OOOOOH-ing as they knew what was coming - Austin proceeded to Stunner Jericho right out of the ring.
  • Getting Mr. McMahon, Pat Patterson, and Gerald Briscoe arrested on RAW.
    Stone Cold: "I'm not a lawyer, but if you ask me wouldn't that be obstruction of justice?"
  • Stone Cold driving a Coors Light truck into the arena and hosing down The Corporation with beer. The look on Vince's face made it priceless.
  • A lot of his stuff with Eric Bischoff as co-general manager of RAW, particularly torturing a hungover Bischoff.
  • "First of all, I think you left something in that bag. Allow me. (searches through the bag until he finds something) Yeah, there it is right there."
  • Austin tells a story of accompanying his wife to a vegan restaurant (because she is vegan) and the experience inside, which includes tricking the waiter into believing he's an activist against the picking and eating of plantains, and this explanation of why he went.
    Stone Cold "Guy'll do anything to get a blowjob, won't he."
  • At WrestleMania 32, Xavier Woods tries to get Austin to dance with him. Austin plays along but as soon as Woods turns around, Austin stuns him. The next day, even Woods admitted he should have seen it coming.
  • In the music video to his unused theme, "Oh Hell Yeah" by H-Blockx, it features Stone Cold as himself, but the size of Godzilla with people running away in fear except for the band. The funny part is while the song is describing what Stone Cold is all about, in the music video all he's doing is walking around bored until he spots the band, lets two of them on his arm, gets knee'd in the face by one of them, and just puts them down, nods and walks away.
  • Stone Cold knows that Eleanor, the protagonist of the sitcom The Good Place, has a crush on him, and shares his thoughts. The TGP crew posted their own response.
  • During the tapings of RAW and Smack Down at the Performance Center, he ended up blowing himself upnote  during his entrance.
    • And then after he stunnered Byron...
      @steveaustinBSR: My sincere apologies for kicking @ByronSaxton dead square in the balls. I don't know what hurts more, his balls or my foot. I will go in for X-Rays tomorrow. Byron, ice em down for twenty minutes every other hour. That's what Vince did. All the best #316day


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