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Funny / Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

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"Please, Captain, not in front of the Klingons."

  • Most of the humor in Star Trek V fell flat, but this exchange was gold:
    Spock: I'm sorry... were we having a good time?
    Bones: God, I liked him better before he died!
  • The "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" scene gave us the following bit, where Spock has spent the past several hours analyzing the lyrics before coming up with "Life is not a dream." He came to this deduction while Kirk and Bones were trying to sleep and had to share.
    Kirk: Go to sleep, Spock.
  • Marshmellons?! In the novelization, McCoy actually altered the computer records so that Spock would misname marshmallows, and let Jim in on the joke.
    • The novelization has a great resolution to this one; at the end, when the Power Trio are camping again, Spock reveals that he figured out what Bones was up to, and Bones goes into full denial mode, stating that he absolutely did not reprogram the database. He had someone else do it.
  • James Doohan owned his comedic scenes:
    Scotty: (after creating a hole in the wall of Kirk, Spock and McCoy's cell) "What are ye standing around for? Do ye not know a jailbreak when ye see one!?"
    • Scotty: "I know this ship like the back of my hand." (hits his head on the ship's bulkhead and knocks himself out)
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    • Scotty: (barking at an engineer) HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YA, THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE RIGHT JOB!
    McCoy: (chuckling) I don't think I've ever seen him happier!
  • Spock: (Kirk tries to hug him) Please, Captain. Not in front of the Klingons.
  • McCoy, after he, Kirk and Spock were tossed in the brig, castigates Kirk for asking Spock to kill his own brother, then snarks, "Well, maybe you should toss him in the brig!" This leaves Kirk verbally defeated.
  • This exchange:
    Spock: This is a new brig, Captain. Completely escape-proof. To guarantee that, they used the most intelligent, most resourceful person they could find. He was unable to escape.
    Kirk: This person didn't happen to have pointed ears and a propensity for getting his shipmates into trouble, did he?
    Spock: He did have pointed ears.
  • Piece of advice, don't eat marshmallows(or "marshmellons") before hitching a ride on jetboots.
    Spock: It appears we're too heavy.
    McCoy: Must have been all those marshmellons.
  • Kirk trying to climb a mountain. And Spock suddenly showing up beside him wearing rocket boots. It's the expressions of both men which make it hilarious.
    Kirk: Why don't you go pester Dr. McCoy for a while?
    Spock: I believe Dr. McCoy is...not in the best of moods.
    Bones (watching from afar): Goddamn irresponsible! Playing games with life!
    • When Spock refers to McCoy, he looks back toward where he is, and then looking back at Kirk, as if to say, "Nope. I'd rather pester you."
    • Spock trying to give Kirk some coaching.
      Spock: Concentration is vital. You must be one with the rock.
      Kirk: Spock, I appreciate your concern, but if you don't stop distracting me, I'm liable to be one with the (slips off) FAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS—
    • And then when Spock rescues Kirk...
      Spock: Perhaps, "because it is there" is not sufficient reason for climbing a mountain?
      Kirk: I am hardly in a position to disagree!
      McCoy comes running up
      Kirk: Hi, Bones! Mind if we drop in for dinner?
  • Sulu and Chekhov getting themselves lost while they're hiking. Not to mention their lame attempt to save their pride as they asked for directions.
    Sulu: We're caught in a. . . we're caught in a blizzard. (Checkov rolls his eyes, then decides to roll with it)
    Chekhov: And we can't see a thing! (the look on Sulu's face as he watches Chekov make storm noises into the communicator is priceless)
    • And then Uhura mentions that the sensors show clear weather at their position. Aided quite a bit by how Walter Koenig makes no attempt at all to hide his hatred of the script.
    Chekhov: *completely deadpan* Sulu, look. The sun's come out. It's a miracle.
  • The Coming in Hot scene with the shuttlecraft has this gem:
    Kirk: (on the shuttle) Stand by to execute Emergency Landing Plan... B.
    Chekov: (commanding the Enterprise) What's Emergency Landing Plan B?
    Scotty: (on the bridge) I don't have a clue.
    Kirk: B! As in, Barricade!
    Sybok: (on the shuttle) What are you doing?
    Kirk: In order to lower and re-raise the shields as quickly as possible, we are going to forgo the tractor beam and fly her in manually.
    McCoy: (on the shuttle) Manually?
    Sybok: How often have you done this?
    Sulu: (flying the shuttle) Actually, it's my first attempt.
    Korrd: *Groan*
    Kirk: (looking back at everyone) He's good.....(then looks at a visibly nervous Sulu) Really.
  • Kirk gets off a good deadpan joke:
    Kirk: (wistful) I miss my old chair.
    (Spock gives him a sympathetic look.)
  • "Then it appears I have little choice, but to sample your beans."
  • During the climax, Captain Kirk twigs onto something off in "God's" speech, specifically, his demand for a starship to carry him. The resulting Armor-Piercing Question is considered to be one of the few great moments of a deeply flawed film. That said, the fact that Kirk needs to break in on an ongoing discussion between "God" and his prophet, Sybok, to ask the question, means he first politely raises a hand with an "Excuse me..."
  • Klaa's Ordered Apology to Kirk, courtesy of General Korrd, who comes across as a father disciplining his son for being naughty.
    Korrd: Kirk, my junior officer has something he wants to say to you. [Turns to Klaa and shouts the Klingon equivalent of "Get on with it!"]
    Klaa: [Sheepishly] I... apologize.
    [Kirk looks absolutely stunned.]
    Korrd: [Adds the Klingon equivalent of "And...?"]
    Klaa: [Still sheepish] The attack upon your vessel was not authorized by my government.
  • During the turboshaft scene, the Command Crew arrives at Deck 78 (out of only 21 decks) at the top of the ship, which should be Deck 1. The Blu-Ray Library Computer entry for Deck 78 reads only "Don't ask us!"
    Spock: I think I overshot the mark a little.
    Bones: Nobody's perfect.
  • In the turbolift after being abruptly recalled from their camping trip:
    Kirk: I could use a shower.
    Spock: [looks at Kirk] Yes.


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