- Mexican on the loose! Fire the damn lasers! Throw the Amerigators!Sheriff: Hold your fire, don't shoot more gators! Stop! That's a racoon, Early.Early: A Mexican racoon, come to steal American racoon jobs?Sheriff: I think he's just trying to get a nut Early—Early: FIRE THE DAMN LASERS!
- Early's anti-bullying segment during the credits of "Class of '86". Namely on what to do when you're being bullied: "Don't be such a pussy, pussy. You're a damn pussy."
- This bigoted little gem from "Ga-Ga-Ghost"Granny: (Talking about a comatose Early) He said, "Pull the plug please, living a life like a fruit, ain't no life at all."Rusty: It's vegetable, Granny.Granny: Yeah, those people should die too.
- Early meets the Early of an Alternate Universe.Early: He was th'only one who ever truly unnerstood me. Kid Rock, too. 'Cept that damn midget wouldn' let me near 'im!
- Early's comments on the smell of a hippie orgy.Early: Smells like somebody took a huge dump on a big pile of crap and soaked the whole thing in a jug of week-old farts and lit the whole caboodle on fire.Rusty: Just like you did on the last Fourth of July, daddy.Early: Damn right I did. I support the troops!Cut to Early slowly bringing a lighter to a jug labeled "farts" that explodes into a magnificent firework show with flags, eagles and other patriotic regalia.Granny: And all the spectral colors were represented. Except for cyan.Early: (pulls knife on granny) Cyan was represented!Granny: (slaps knife away) Cyan was not represented!Early: (pulls shotgun) Mutha(shotgun cock) was fulla cyan! I put it in myself!Granny: Cyan... May have been represented.Early: (lowers shotgun) I'm glad you noticed, Granny.Granny: I'm just saying I didn't see any—BLAM!''Early: Cyan was represented!
- Early's Paul Stanley GPS, actually voiced by Paul Stanley himself.Paul Stanley GPS: Aaaah Wahoooo! I'm gonna take you to Detroit Rock City, avoiding all toll roads, WOO! Calculating!(Beat, cut to Early, Rusty and Granny walking through the forest at night)Paul Stanley GPS: It's 500 yards to the motorway!(Beat)Paul Stanley GPS: Are you ready to turn right!?(Beat)Paul Stanley GPS: (Singing) In 300 yards, MAKE A RIGHT!! You're almost there, baby!(William's Street Skull Logo appears)Paul Stanley GPS: SKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULL!
- Early being forced to marry a bear in a deluded stance against gay marriage. Even he realizes the entire situation may have gone off the rails, possibly the first time Early's admitted to flat-out giving up on an issue.
- Granny's choking fit in the Computer Army episode. Few people sound as hilarious having massive choking fits than Dana Snyder.
- Granny explaining how God created the earth.Granny: He made trees...(Trees begin growing on the mountaintops)Granny: ...the birds...(Flocks of crows fly by)Granny: ...bears.Granny: Too many bears.Granny: Should have dialed back on the bears.(The bears pop up one after the other, roaring into the camera)Granny: And so...he dialed back on the bears!"Your dumb ass brought rebar to a gunfight!...so did I. Guess that makes this a rebar fight."
Funny / Squidbillies