NO, WAIT, DON'T TOUCH THAT! THAT'S THE—note
1A - Help Wanted
- As the horde of anchovies rushes the cashier's station, tossing it about like a boat on rough seas until it splinters into fragments, Mr. Krabs shouts, "Batten the hatches, Mr. Squidward!... We're takin' on water, Mr. Squidward!... I WANT MY MOMMY, MR. SQUIDWARD!"
- SpongeBob making Krabby Patties while Tiny Tim's version of "Livin' in the Sunlight, Lovin' in the Moonlight" plays in the background.
1B - Reef Blower
- Due to an audio recording error, no one has a word of dialogue this whole episode. When SpongeBob points dramatically at the sand on his front lawn, we just hear a ding and see the subtitle "You!"
1C - Tea at the Treedome
2A - Bubblestand
- Patrick's reaction to SpongeBob's elephant-shaped bubble: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IT'S A GIRAFFE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
- Squidward mocking SpongeBob's and Patrick's hilariously elaborate bubble-blowing "technique", which he ends by screaming into the bubble wand. Which works, resulting in a gigantic bubble. Which takes his house and lifts it high into the sea, while he plays his clarinet and blissfully ignores his situation until it's too late.
2B - Ripped Pants
3A - Jellyfishing
- Patrick tries to equip injured Squidward with a jellyfishing net.
Patrick: Firmly grasp it in your hand. (He places the net on Squidward's bandaged hand, but it falls off because he can't grab. Patrick picks the net up.) Firmly grasp it. (He does it again and the results are the same. Patrick gets frustrated.) FIRMLY GRASP IT! (He forcefully jabs the net through Squidward's palm with a loud CRUNCH! Squidward lets out a muffled pained scream.) That oughta do it.
- When Squidward finally gets into the (vengeful) spirit of jellyfishing, he takes it out on the jellyfish he just caught by repeatedly beating it against a rock—Which is actually a really gigantic jellyfish—the Queen Jellyfish. It was that moment that Squid realized This Is Gonna Suck... and tried in vain to roll away. SpongeBob and Patrick obliviously cheer Squidward on until he eventually gets stung big time offscreen.
Patrick: This guy's good!
SpongeBob: He's a natural!
(SpongeBob and Patrick start simultaneously cheering Squidward on as he tries to get away from the Queen Jellyfish.)
Patrick: Yeah, you got it, Squidward!
SpongeBob: Yeah, you're doing great! Go, Squid, go!
Patrick: Yeah, you're doing it, Squid! See what you've been missing?
SpongeBob: Yeah, you got, Squid!
Patrick: You got what you wanted, Squidward! You can go that distance! Use that net!
SpongeBob: Be the net!
Patrick: Yeah! You're feeling it, Squid! That's it, all the way! The last 6 miles, make that, Squid! Go, go, go!
SpongeBob: Yeah, go by the eye of the tiger, by the eye of the tiger, by the eye of the tiger! Better, better, better! Yeah, yeah, yeah! You've got it now!
Patrick: It's in the bag!
SpongeBob: This is really your best day ever, isn't it?
3B - Plankton!
- SpongeBob's Flair Bartending as he prepares a Krabby Patty by throwing the ingredients up in the air, catching them with his pores, taking off his head and shaking it, and then taking out the finished Patty from under Squidward's nose, all while talking in a ridiculous French accent.
- This exchange between SpongeBob and Plankton, who claims that it's his birthday.
Plankton: And do you know what I would want more than anything in the whole world?
SpongeBob: A booster seat?
Plankton: A booster seat? Hot dog!... I mean, no.
- Plankton's record player. Especially the part where it plays an alphabet song and he switches it to play what it was meant to play.
- There's actually a full version of the alphabet song called "Letters Of The Alphabet". That in and of itself is hilarious.
- Plankton takes control of SpongeBob and sends him on an accidental rampage. SpongeBob's almost casual reaction to the chaos in his wake is what really sells the scene.
SpongeBob: (marching robotically towards the wall next to the kitchen door)
Time for a well-balanced breakfast. (smashes through the wall, then through the front of the fridge with a loaf of bread, bottle of milk, and carton of eggs balanced on his head)
This isn't what I had in mind. Let me just grab my pants. (marches straight through a set of clothes stretched between two poles)
Guess I'm not wearing any pants today. (smashes through the wall next to his front door)
I guess I'm not using the door either. See you later, Gary! I guess... (Gary meows)
- "This is my LAB! (Golden Labrador Retriever barks) And this is my LABORATORY! And have you seen my record player?"
- Plankton gets carried away and tries to feast on the stolen Krabby Patty:
- When Plankton falls into his own analysis machine, the display lists his components as "PLANKTON: 1% EVIL, 99% HOT GAS."
Plankton: Well, this stinks...
4A - Naughty Nautical Neighbors
- Right at the beginning when Squidward messes with the bubbles containing secret messages, sending Patrick the message "you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know" instead of SpongeBob's original message of "Patrick, you're my best friend in the whole neighborhood." Complete with Squidward's bubble sprouting the outline of a boot-covered foot to kick SpongeBob's bubble out of the way. The best part of the scene is the look on Squid's face as he sabotages the exchange.
Patrick: Do you really think that SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Of course, Patrick; anyone with eyes could see that!
- SpongeBob and Patrick's fight:
Patrick: Well that makes you a big dummy, you dummy!
SpongeBob: Yeah, well, that means that, uhh... so are you!
Patrick: Right, you're a turkey!
SpongeBob: What's that?
Patrick: It's what you are!
SpongeBob: Well, you're a bigger one!
Patrick: Well, you're still yellow! And you know what else is yellow?
Patrick: You are!
- This exchange:
Patrick: Friend? Friiiieeeeeeend...
Squidward: (uncomfortable) Uhh Patrick? We're friends. Just friends.
(Both look to Spongebob's house and see him staring disbelievingly from his window)
- SpongeBob on the "bassinet"!note
Squidward is my best friend in the world... (LOUDLY scrapes bow across "bassinet" strings) SpongeBob:
Squidward is my best friend in the sea... (launches bow into a panicked-looking Squidward portrait. Squidward grabs the bow off the painting and snaps it in two.) SpongeBob: (Strumming "bassinet" strings like guitar)
Squidward- Patrick: (pops in through window)
Likes Patrick more than SpongeBob... (SpongeBob slams window in Patrick's face) SpongeBob: (Strumming violently before slamming "bassinet" into floor)
And Patrick is a dirty, stinky, rotten friend STEALER! (Smashes "bassinet")
Uh, I can fix this.
(Squidward snarls with rage. Cut to SpongeBob being kicked out of the house.
So, uh...I'll see ya tomorrow, Squidward! Call me!
- Having kicked SpongeBob out of his house, Squidward goes into the bathroom - and screams as he finds Patrick in the bathtub. Then SpongeBob appears through the window and he and Patrick begin arguing again, driving Squidward crazy and he flees his house. Seeing the huge mess he created, Squidward realizes he has to get SpongeBob and Patrick to become friends again (and thus leave him alone).
Hey, buddy! I warmed it up for ya! (produces scrubbing brush and soap) Squidward:
Patrick! Get out! And put some clothes on! SpongeBob:
(pops in through the window
) What's the matter, Squidward, ol' buddy? (notices Patrick in the bath-tub)
Oh-ho-ho, so this
is what I find, huh?! My best friend, and my ex-best friend, and... RUBBER BATH TOYS! Patrick:
) Oh, yeah?! Well, he was my friend first! SpongeBob:
) You're just a backbiting, backstabbing silly blob of... Squidward:
AAAAH! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING TO ME! (He runs away. SpongeBob and Patrick stop their arguing as they notice Squidward's gone) SpongeBob:
Squidward! Where are you, friend? Patrick:
Squidward! Buddy! Where'd you go? Squidward: (hiding in a trash can)
Oh, this is nuts! I need a plan to get those two back together and outta my hair!
4B - Boating School
- Patrick forces SpongeBob out of bed to see this marvel: "What's pink and square at the same time? PATRICK SQUAREPANTS!"
Patrick: (through a radio) Pat to Sponge, Pat to Sponge! Testing! Testing! Testing, testing, testing, testing, testing! TESTING! AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH! TES-TEST...DO YOU READ?!?!?!
SpongeBob: Sponge to Pat, I read you loud and clear.
- When told to act natural, SpongeBob gets down on all fours and starts grazing like a cow.
- SpongeBob's epic Oh, Crap! expression when he realizes that he's been cheating. Complete with dramatic Staggered Zoom.
5A - Pizza Delivery
- When SpongeBob first attempts to put the boat in reverse, he tenses up so much that the writing on the gear shift turns into Korean. note
- SpongeBob "backing up", then when the boat runs out of gas and they're stranded he informs Squidward that he thinks the pizza is getting cold. Squidward, asking "How can it get any worse?", kicks the boat and its gas meter suddenly becomes full and it drives off without them.
- As they attempt to make the delivery on foot, SpongeBob passes the time by singing, "The Krusty Krab Pizza is the pizza for you and me!" Eventually, Squidward chimes in with, "And my feet are killing me!"
- The part when SpongeBob hitchhikes like how the pioneers did, which was walking into the middle of the road wearing a ten-gallon hat as a massive 16-wheeler is driving straight towards him, then chanting and dancing weirdly while Squidward sits there making sounds with a spoon.
- SpongeBob and Squidward get caught in a sandstorm which starts blowing SpongeBob away.
Squidward: Will you let go of that stupid pizza, already?
SpongeBob: I can't! It's for the customer!
Squidward: Well, who cares about the customer?
SpongeBob: I do!
Squidward: Well, I don't!
(the winds stop to let SpongeBob gasp at Squidward)
SpongeBob: Squidward! (storm picks up again)
- The scene where they find the rock:
That's just a stupid boulder! SpongeBob:
It's not just a boulder! It's a rock! [sobbing tears of joy]
A roock! A roock! A rooock! [Squidward looks on with disgust] SpongeBob: [climbing on top of the boulder]
It's a big, beautiful, old rock! Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles! And it's in great shape. Squidward: SpongeBOB!
Will you forget the stupid pioneers?! Have you ever noticed that there are none of them
left?! That's because they were lousy hitchhikers, ate coral, and took directions from algae!
And now you're telling me they thought they could drive— [SpongeBob drives the rock over him, squashing him flat into the ground]
...rocks? Hold on there, Jethro
5B - Home Sweet Pineapple
- SpongeBob wakes up as his house shrinks around him thanks to a swarm of nematodes drinking it dry... and comes to the wrong conclusion:
SpongeBob: Hooray, Gary! We're finally huge!
- SpongeBob finally notices that he hasn't grown, his house has shrunk ("OH NO!"), and he tries calling Squidward for advice. Squidward is about as receptive as he usually is, but his reaction is the setup for a great punchline from Patrick:
SpongeBob: I'll call Squidward, he'll know what to do! (dials, sound of phone ringing)
Squidward: (on phone) Hello?
Squidward: Is it time already for you to ruin my day?
SpongeBob: Squidward! Help me! (the phone receiver begins shrinking in his hand) My house is shrinking and I woke up this morning and my house was getting smaller- (cut to Squidward's house, where SpongeBob's voice gets more and more high-pitched and incomprehensible until finally cutting to a dial tone) OH NO!
Squidward: (flinches) Yep, it is.
(cut to Patrick's rock)
Patrick: (appearing on the underside of his rock as it flips open) Is it time already to ruin Squid's day? (falls off the rock) AHHH! (jumps out again wearing a dinner jacket, bowtie, and top hat) Hey, SpongeBob, don't start without me!
- Patrick being very, very Late to the Realization that SpongeBob's house is gone.
- When SpongeBob tells Patrick that he'll have to move to his parents' house, it cuts to a picture of his parents smiling. When Patrick says, "Wait a minute, no, you don't!", it cuts back to the picture of SpongeBob's parents, now frowning.
- The Hard-Work Montage of SpongeBob and Patrick building SpongeBob's (mini) house. Most of the humor here just comes from Patrick hurting himself, and the part where SpongeBob is building a narrow floor... which is floating in the air. Parts of it also keep hitting Patrick as they fall.
- When the montage is over, Patrick gives a thumbs up with a huge, bandaged thumb. Since the new house is too small to live in, SpongeBob puts it over his head, then his nose sticks out through the front door and it falls apart.
- Patrick offered SpongeBob to live with him as his "rockmate". Unfortunately, it didn't turn out too well, since Patrick snores, moves rock (that they use as a blanket) away from SpongeBob and drools. The best part comes when he dreams about spiders and starts crushing SpongeBob with a rock.
Patrick: A spider! (grabs his rock and starts smashing SpongeBob with it) Spiders! Get em' off me! Get em' off me! Get em' off me!
SpongeBob: (while getting crushed) No, Patrick, no, Patrick, no, Patrick, no, Patrick! Wake up! Wake up! It's me, SpongeBob!
(Patrick then stops and goes asleep)
- It gets better. SpongeBob tries to move away from Patrick several feet away. Unfortunately for him, Patrick starts yelling about spiders again, sleepwalks to SpongeBob with rock in hands, starts smashing SpongeBob and then goes back to sleep and puts the rock back to its place as if nothing had happened.
- Squidward's epic Delayed Reaction to SpongeBob going to bed with him.
Goodnight, Squidward. Squidward: (sleepily)
Goodnight, SpongeBob. (Beat) (Squidward's bloodshot eyes pop open; cut to Squidward sending SpongeBob and Gary out of his house) Squidward: Goodnight, SpongeBob.
6A - Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy
- SpongeBob is trying to convince his heroes to come out of retirement:
What's your point, kid? SpongeBob:
You two are the greatest heroes ever, and I think you should come out of retirement. Mermaid Man:
Listen up, you villains! I want to eat my meatloaf! If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife! Manager: (bursts in)
What is going on in here? Mermaid Man:
You may kiss the bride! (points at SpongeBob) (SpongeBob is kicked out, literally rolling all the way back to his house and colliding with the front door while wedding music plays; Patrick is there waiting for him) Patrick:
Did you reunite our heroes? SpongeBob:
No, but I'm married
- SpongeBob and Patrick acting as Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, and pretending Squidward is a villain called Reflecto. They expose his "weakness" by building a shield around him (which is actually a tent). He retaliates by angrily taking down the entire tent.
- Mermaid Man freaking out every time someone says "evil". "EEEEEVVVVIIIIIILLLLLLLL!"
- When SpongeBob and Patrick imitate Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, they use donuts to imitate their power rings. Patrick repeatedly takes bites out of his "ring".
- When Barnacle Boy brings out their actual power rings, Mermaid Man cries out "DONUTS!".
6B - Pickles
- Squidward takes a crack at Bubble Bass' obesity, calling him "tiny" and asking if he wants to order a salad.
- Bubble Bass' order. Someone actually deciphered this.◊
Squidward: (Bubble Bass, a very overweight fish, walks up to the cashier's station)
Let me guess, Tiny, a small salad? Bubble Bass:
I'll take a Double Triple Bossy Deluxe on a raft, 4x4, animal-style, extra shingles, with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim
. (Squidward gives up writing all of that down) Squidward: (annoyed)
...We serve food here, sir
- The Running Gag of Bubble Bass tossing or knocking Squidward out of his way.
- Bubble Bass gets his $2 back from Mr. Krabs, and it's revealed that Krabs has a cash back guarantee printed in microscopic paint on his menu. Mr. Krabs desperately tries to dissuade Bubble Bass from taking back his money, offering a glass of water, then a dozen free glasses of water - with ice! It doesn't work, and Krabs is left sobbing over losing $2 and roaring that it'll come out of Spongebob's paycheck.
- Apparently, Squidward's not the best SpongeBob replacement...
Hey... He burnt my Krabby Patty! Female Fish:
He burnt my fries! Male Fish 2: [slurping] He burnt my shake!
- SpongeBob's mind obviously breaking after forgetting the pickles and everything that happens afterward at his house. By the time Mr. Krabs stops by to check up on him, he has been nailing food to the wall and can't even string a sentence together in the correct order. Even the music in the background is reversed to signify his current state.
Mr. Krabs: (opening SpongeBob's front door, which has a toaster nailed to it) SpongeBob! (takes in the mess in the living room) SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (stumbles over, his underwear over his head) Mr. Krabs, hello. Do you how do?
Mr. Krabs: (pulling underwear off SpongeBob's head) Why you talkin' funny?
SpongeBob: I anything can't do right since because pickles.
Mr. Krabs: (smiles) Nonsense, you'll be back making Krabby Patties like your old self in no time!
SpongeBob: I think don't ready back to go to work, Mr. Krabs. (walks off)
Mr. Krabs: Well, you're fine, me boy! (SpongeBob plows straight through a door) Ooh! Uh, well, maybe not. (he follows SpongeBob into the kitchen and finds him nailing two pieces of bread to the counter) All we need to do is get your confidence back, so you can make me more money- uh, I mean, uh, patties. (chuckles nervously)
SpongeBob: I how do that?
Mr. Krabs: It's like ridin' a bike. You never forget! (scene pans to show a bicycle boiling in a pot on the stove) Uh, um... I'm gonna help you!
- SpongeBob trying to turn off his alarm clock.
SpongeBob: How do I turn this off? Think, think, THINK! (Gary meows) GARY!! (picks up Gary and throws him into the horn to block the sound)
- SpongeBob and Bubble Bass facing off at the end of the episode, Old West style.
- After Bubble Bass is defeated and sent packing, we see him pathetically stomping off as fast as he can, wheezing thanks to his poor shape and obesity.
- The ending, when SpongeBob tells the customers to cheer for Squidward by being temporary fry cook:
SpongeBob: Hip hip...
SpongeBob: Hip hip...
SpongeBob: Hip hip...
Random customer: Boo! You stink!
7A - Hall Monitor
- SpongeBob lets a little power go straight to his head when the rotating position of hall monitor is reluctantly assigned to him by Mrs. Puff and gives a No Indoor Voice speech repeatedly punctuated with the words "IN THE HALL!" Mrs. Puff gets so bored with the interminable speech that by the end, she is face down on her desk, snoring loudly.
"Crime and punishment, punishment and crime... IN THE HALL!"
- When SpongeBob finally finishes his speech, he takes the hat and belt and declares, "I will put on this uniform, and assume my duties as (spins around and puts on hat and belt, then acquires a square jaw and deep voice) HALL MONITOR!" SpongeBob saying "HALL MONITOR!" in a deep voice (accompanied by the sort of musical fanfare that usually accompanies a superhero's entrance) becomes another Running Gag.
- SpongeBob's first act as hall monitor/all-purpose do-gooder is to direct traffic when he comes across a malfunctioning traffic light. One montage of cars speeding through the crossing at SpongeBob's direction later, he leaves, looking satisfied... at which point we see that he has caused a colossal pile-up of angry motorists.
- His second act as self-styled safety expert is to jump through a fish couple's open dining room window (to teach them not to leave themselves vulnerable in this way), wearing a black hood:
SpongeBob: I'M THE OPEN WINDOW MANIAAAAAC!! (the fish couple run screaming out of their house; SpongeBob leans out of the window) I hope you learned a valuable lesson!
- And his third act is to confront Patrick over letting the drips from his melting strawberry ice cream cone collect in a puddle on the ground; when he tries to get Patrick's attention, Patrick initially thinks the ice cream is talking to him and throws it at SpongeBob; when SpongeBob sets him straight and points to the fallen ice cream cone, Patrick wails, "I'M A BAD PERSON!"
- By this time, the "Maniac" attack has hit the headlines. A newsboy runs up to SpongeBob and Patrick, yelling the typical "Extry! Extry! Read all about it!" spiel of newsboys. He hands them a paper, and says, in a deep, gravelly voice, "Take it, friends. Arm yourselves with knowledge."
- SpongeBob recruits Patrick to go after the Maniac with him. He says Patrick needs a symbol of authority; Patrick puts the ice cream cone on his head and points to it gleefully.
- Later, when he's talking to the policemen, Patrick calls them brothers and points to the cone as if they would instantly know what it means.
- As they set out to catch the Maniac, SpongeBob asks Patrick what, as a former criminal, he would do. Patrick tells him he'd get ice cream. Cut to them walking happily out of an ice cream shop, licking ice cream cones. SpongeBob asks what he would do next. Patrick thinks...and they are shown walking out of the ice cream shop again.
- As SpongeBob runs off in search of the Maniac, imitating a police siren, a real police siren begins sounding as a squad boat pulls up next to Patrick. The cops show him a "Wanted" poster for the Maniac with a crude drawing of SpongeBob, and he screams "It's the maniac! Take him away, take him away!" at the mere sight of it. The cops patiently assure him that it's just a drawing and not the real thing and instruct him to tell them if he's seen the guy when they show the picture. Patrick agrees to cooperate, but he still screams whenever the police show him the wanted poster. Eventually, the cops smirk at each other and begin scaring him with the wanted poster on purpose by repeatedly showing just enough of the picture to set Patrick screaming, then hiding it again.
- Eventually, Patrick sees SpongeBob standing in the light from a streetlamp while talking to him over a walkie-talkie. However, he recognizes him not as his friend but as the figure on the "Wanted" poster and tells SpongeBob he can see the Maniac.
SpongeBob: What's he doing?
Patrick: He's just standing there... MENACINGLY!
- The whole scene where Patrick tells SpongeBob to hide from the Maniac, but keeps saying the Maniac is in wherever SpongeBob is hiding due to not realizing they're the same person.
Patrick: GET OUT OF THERE, SPONGEBOB!
SpongeBob: (panicked) AAAAAHHH!
Patrick: That's his maniac shriek! He's going to attack!
(SpongeBob runs around in a circle crying)
Patrick: He's acting all crazy! Run! Hide behind that building! (SpongeBob hides behind the building) No, he's behind that building! Oh, quick, hide behind that street sign! (SpongeBob hides behind the street sign) No, wait! The Maniac just went behind that sign! Quick! Get under the street light! (SpongeBob pulls up the street light and gets under it) No, wait, he's there, too! Run for your life!
SpongeBob: (jumps inside the mailbox and sighs in relief, but his walkie-talkie vibrates) Say again, deputy?
Patrick: The Maniac's in the mailbox!
SpongeBob: AAAAAAAAHHH! (bursts his arms and legs out of the mailbox and runs through the buildings in a mad panic)
- SpongeBob finally gets a good look at the "Wanted" poster:
Huh, this guy's not half bad-looking for a Maniac... wait a minute, Patrick. (gets a horrified look and turns the poster away from himself) I'M the Maniac
! Patrick: AHHHH!
- The episode also begins the Running Gag of Mrs. Puff going to jail because of SpongeBob. In the final scene, we hear her addressing her half-asleep class, and then see a shot of the teacher's desk where she is leading the class via a live video feed from her jail cell.
And SpongeBob? SpongeBob: (gulp)
Yes, Mrs. Puff? Mrs. Puff:
I'd like to see you after class... (scowls)
six months from now.
7B - Jellyfish Jam
- SpongeBob brings back a jellyfish from Jellyfish Fields as a pet. Squidward is unimpressed:
SpongeBob: (standing outside Squidward's house) Squidward! Hey, Squidward! Squidwaaard! Squidward-iard! (Squidward appears at an upstairs window) Squidward, look at my new pet!
Squidward: That's no pet, that's a wild animal!
SpongeBob: No he isn't, Squidward! Watch this! (throws a stick) Fetch! (the jellyfish zooms off and returns with the stick) How many fingers am I holding up? (holds up three fingers; the jellyfish buzzes three times) Play dead! (in a wider shot, we see the jellyfish's leash going into a grave with a headstone marked "RIP" while a bell tolls; the jellyfish then re-appears from the grave)
Squidward: I wouldn't let that thing in my house even if it was potty trained! (shot of the jellyfish sitting on a toilet, reading a newspaper and humming to itself) I didn't need to see that.
- Squidward is even more dubious of the idea that SpongeBob can have fun with a jellyfish. One very long and loud rave later:
Squidward: (lying in bed next to his clarinet as his whole house shakes)
SpongeBob is the only guy I know that can have fun with a jellyfish...for TWELVE HOURS!! (sometime later, the sun rises, and Squidward is still very much awake due to the constant loud music) Squidward:
- Squidward tries to drown out the music and jellyfish with his clarinet, to the tune of "Row, Row, Row your Boat".
SpongeBob: Squidward? Do you think you can play your clarinet a little... better? I don't think the jellyfish like it.
Squidward: (angrish) The jellyfish don't like—?! Why, sure, pal. I can play better!
Spongebob: (to the jellyfish) Okay. He says he'll play better!
Squidward: (turns his entire house towards SpongeBob's, stands up to a mic stand connected by loudspeakers. Takes a deep breath, and plays LOUDER)
SpongeBob: Oh no! That's not better!
8A - Sandy's Rocket
- While SpongeBob and Patrick break into Squidward's house at night, thinking he's an alien, Squidward rolls over in his sleep and his tentacle sticks to Patrick's helmet. Patrick utters the bizarre but hilarious exclamation of "Pardon my French but... Get this thing off me!"
- SpongeBob and Patrick are so convinced they are on a moon-version of Bikini Bottom that they bag all their friends and neighbors thinking they were aliens. They even try to bag each other!
SpongeBob: So, you were an alien all the time, and you didn't even tell me!
Patrick: I didn't even know!
SpongeBob: Yeah? Well, I got you now!
Patrick: Oh, but it's not you who's got me, it's-! (SpongeBob flinches as the bagging gun shoots, but looks up to see Patrick aiming it at his head.) Me that's got me.
8B - Squeaky Boots
9A - Nature Pants
- When SpongeBob gets distracted by daydreaming and the grill starts smoking, Mr. Krabs hands him a fire extinguisher. He throws it at the grill and Mr. Krabs glares at him right before the grill catches fire.
- SpongeBob tries to put the fire out by blowing on it until a fireman comes by and fills him up with water due to him standing in front of the grill. Engorged with water, SpongeBob falls on the grill and puts it out before the heat shrinks him down small enough for Mr. Krabs to lift him off the grill with a spatula.
- SpongeBob's friends express skepticism at his plans to live in the wild.
- Patrick and Sandy acting out a conversation to get SpongeBob to come back after he decides to live out in the wild.
- As Patrick tries to take a bite of the patty, his face suddenly just becomes priceless.◊
- As Patrick begs SpongeBob to come back home, he claims everyone misses him, even Squidward. Cut to Squidward, celebrating him being gone.
9B - Opposite Day
- At the beginning of the episode, SpongeBob and Patrick throw Squidward a surprise birthday party, singing, "SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SQUIDWARD! Happy Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday Cake!" After a few scenes of partying in which Squidward does not so much as crack a smile, he finally bellows, "It's not my BIRTHDAY!!!"
- On the day the realtor plans to visit his house, to set the tone for the "Opposite day" he hopes SpongeBob and Patrick will follow, Squidward gets up at dawn and marches outside SpongeBob's house playing a bass drum, a pair of cymbals, a set of bagpipes, and a whistle. SpongeBob asks why he's playing the drum:
Squidward: Drum? What drum? This is just my wig case! (punches a hole in the drum, pulls out an Elvis wig, and puts in on, then runs toward the road) C'mon, SpongeBob - tackle me!
- Squidward tries to impress on SpongeBob the personality he expects him to adopt for Opposite Day. SpongeBob gets the idea, but doesn't quite put it into practice:
Normally, you're really loud and annoying, so what are you going to be today? SpongeBob: (shouting)
Quiet and out of the way! YAAAAAAAAAAY! Squidward:
Why don't you get a jump on it. SpongeBob:
I LOVE- um... (frowns)
I HATE opposite day! (giggles)
REAAAAADY!!! (runs inside)
- When SpongeBob decides that being the opposite of what he and Patrick usually are entails both of them being Squidward, Patrick's impersonation consists of putting a piece of blue coral on his face as a nose and dancing while chanting, "I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!"
- The realtor shows up at Squidward's house and mistakes SpongeBob for Squidward. Hilarity Ensues.
Now, if you want the sale to go through, you've got to tell me all the positive things about your house. SpongeBob:
) Positive things... Opposite Day
... (posing as Squidward, to the realtor
) I'd love to. The floor creaks. The roof leaks. There's a terrible draft. Realtor:
Uh... well, you didn't mention that on the phone. SpongeBob:
Please, let me finish. The winters are hard. The summers are brutal. There's a wild, man-eating clam in the backyard!
- Squid!SpongeBob playing the clarinet for the realtor, who continuously begs him to stop. Of course, as SpongeBob thinks she's playing along with Opposite Day, he keeps playing.
- "He's Squidward? He's Squidward? You're Squidward?! I'M SQUIDWARD!! Are there any other Squidwards I should know about?!"
(in perfect Squid-monotone and a pickle between his eye stalks): Meow. [Beat] Realtor: I'm outta here
- The ending:
SpongeBob and Patrick:
Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you! [Squidward seethes with rage, then suddenly smiles and becomes calm] Squidward:
Let me show you guys how much I... HATE YOU! [Squidward chases after SpongeBob and Patrick in a bulldozer as they flee in terror] SpongeBob:
Patrick, do you get the feeling that Squidward likes us too much?! Squidward: HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY! [laughs diabolically]
10A - Culture Shock
10B - F.U.N.
- Plankton is hiding in disguise in front of a magic shop when SpongeBob finds him.
SpongeBob: Have you seen a Krabby Patty? It's about this tall, and... Wow, a magic shop! Are you a magician? One, time, I saw a magician, and the did this thing, and then... well, anyway, he said that if you believe in yourself, and with a tiny pinch of magic, all your dreams can come true.
Plankton: [removes his disguise] Aargh! I can't take it!
SpongeBob: Plankton! It's you!
Plankton: Yes, and after all these years, I thought I was the master of torture. But that!... that just wasn't fair!
- SpongeBob's version of the title song:
F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me, N is for any time and anywhere at all, (chorus) down here in the big blue sea!
- Contrasted with Plankton's version:
F is for fire, that burns down the whole town! U is for uranium...BOMBS! N is for no survivors, WHEN YOU- [SpongeBob cuts him off]
- Mr. Krabs' reaction to Plankton's Impossible Theft:
Krabs: Maybe the lad was right. Maybe Plankton's gone straight. (the plate falls down revealing that it was cardboard) And maybe scallops will fly out of my pants! (jumps in the cashier boat and starts rowing to the movies) Hang on there laddie, I'm a-comin'!
- In the movie theater, Bubble Bass comes and sits in the seat next to Spongebob and on top of Plankton, having not seen the tiny guy. Spongebob tells him what happened, and Bubble Bass smirks and begins squishing his gigantic ass deeper into the seat, further crushing Plankton and causing his ass to jiggle up and down. Spongebob retaliates by throwing a few measly pieces of popcorn into the distance like bait, and Bubble Bass takes off running.
- At the end of the episode, Plankton lands in Bubble Bass' fins, where he's mistaken for a jelly bean and chased by the hungry Bubble Bass.
11A - MuscleBob BuffPants
- After hearing what Sandy's training program can do to him, SpongeBob imagines himself in a muscular physique whilst doing his normal activities.
- Though during the training program itself, he fails at every activity, resulting in his arms coming off each time.
TV advertiser: I was a wimp before Anchor Arms! Now I'm a jerk, and everybody loves me! So order now, wimp!
- SpongeBob shows off his "Anchor Arms" to everyone at the juice bar:
SpongeBob: Working out is my life! I remember when I used to look like that guy over there. (points to a scrawny-looking fish hidden behind two muscular guys; they move out the way)
Fish: Who me? (everyone laughs)
SpongeBob: I remember when I used to look like you, too. (points to Larry, who stops laughing; SpongeBob laughs himself) But that was a long time ago.
Bartender: Here's your drink, sir.
SpongeBob: Thank you. (he goes ahead to pick up his drink but cannot muster the strength to do so, while everyone else gazes at him in bewilderment; he realizes he's being watched and so stretches his mouth to the straw and drinks) Yeah...
- The Running Gag of the measurer of the anchor tossing competition constantly being crushed by thrown anchors.
- When it's his turn to toss the anchor, SpongeBob blows up his Anchor Arms as far as they could go, then tries to lift the anchor. But then the air of one of his Anchor Arms shifts to his eyes, then his nose, then one of his teeth, then his butt, and it goes on like this in rapid succession until the Anchor Arms explode, exposing poor SpongeBob as a fraud.
11B - Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost
- The nonsensical game SpongeBob and Patrick play near the beginning.
G7? King me, king me! (crashes into a coral tree
) I lose! SpongeBob:
But it's not Tuesday, Patrick. Patrick: Tartar sauce...
- SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to find the supposedly ghostly Squidward a perfect spot to sun himself, carrying him on a bed.
Too hot. [they walk a little more then stop] SpongeBob:
No, too wet. Keep going. Keep going. [they walk into a stylized painting of fish dancing the Can-Can] SpongeBob:
Too-louse-Lautrec.note [Rimshot] SpongeBob:
Too tired... [he and Patrick stop where they are] Squidward:
- Squidward makes SpongeBob and Patrick bring him fruit. After SpongeBob brings Squidward a grape and a banana, Patrick proceeds to squash Squidward with a watermelon.
- The ending. Squidward confesses to SpongeBob that he's alive, but SpongeBob doesn't believe him. So he decides to send his neighbor off to a "better place". So what do they do? They enclose Squidward in a bubble when he's relaxing on the throne, sending him floating up to the surface.
- It was actually Patrick who prompted SpongeBob to come up with the idea.
He really needs to get up to the great beyond. SpongeBob:
Patrick, say that again. Patrick: That again. SpongeBob:
No, the other thing. Patrick:
No, the other thing. SpongeBob:
No, what you said before when you... Patrick:
No, what you said before when you.. SpongeBob:
Never mind! I've got an idea. Patrick:
Never mind. I've got an idea. (as SpongeBob gives an irritated look)
12A - The Chaperone
- SpongeBob's stilts to make himself look taller going haywire.
- "Everybody do the Sponge!"
- The implication that it was the dummy SpongeBob that took Pearl to the prom.
12B - Employee of the Month
- The episode hits the ground running with a classic "SpongeBob antagonizes Squidward" routine:
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward.
Squidward: (gives up trying to read his book) Okay, I'll bite. What is it, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Do you know what today is?
Squidward: Annoy Squidward Day?
SpongeBob: (laughs) No, silly! That's on the 15th! (holds up a calendar with a picture of Squidward's face on the 15th of the month)
- The increasing number of ways Squidward gets a face full of Krabby Patty meat sprayed at his face:
"Don't you know that award is load of -FFFRRRT!
(later) "I'm telling you, that award is a bunch of -FFFRRRT!
(and finally) "I'm telling you for the last time, that award is nothing but a joke!" (walks away) FFFRRRT!
- The increasingly ridiculous traps each one sets to prevent the other from getting to work - starting with SpongeBob digging a pit in front of Squidward's house and Squidward boarding up SpongeBob's front door and building up to Squidward somehow getting trussed up like a roast turkey and SpongeBob being built into a brick wall. Ending with SpongeBob tied to an anchor and Squidward to a pirate ship (the stern of which is on fire), and both of them still clawing themselves forward!
- SpongeBob and Squidward trying their best to outdo each other, and impress Mr. Krabs. Since they've had no sleep beforehand...
SpongeBob: (mopping the floors)
Look, Mr. Krabs! Clean floors! Squidward: (wiping a table)
Clean tables, Mr. Krabs! (frantically wipes the table so hard and fast, that he breaks it in half) SpongeBob: (carrying dishes)
Clean dishes, Mr. Krabs! (deliberately drops them) Mr. Krabs:
What's going on here?! SpongeBob: (begins mopping the broken dishes)
It's more efficient to clean dishes this way, Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs: NOOOOO! Squidward: (holding a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates) Flowers and chocolates for you, Mr. Krabs?! SpongeBob: (zips over to the register and puts his money in) Look, I'm putting my own money into the cash register, Mr. Krabs
13A - Scaredy Pants
- When Krabs tells SpongeBob the story of the Flying Dutchman, he holds up a Krabby Patty to represent the Dutchman's ship, and says he claims his victim's souls while removing the pickle from the Krabby Patty. With SpongeBob suitably unhinged, Squidward appears behind him in a Flying Dutchman costume and solemnly declares, "I've come for your pickle."
- SpongeBob and Patrick decide to go around scaring the people of Bikini Bottom while respectively wearing a Flying Dutchman costume (which is a Bedsheet Ghost) and Groucho Marx glasses.
SpongeBob: OOOH, I'm the Flying Dutchman!
Patrick: OOOH, I don't know WHO I am!
- SpongeBob and Patrick's plan to scare the partygoers at the Krusty Krab appears to be going well... until a jellyfish shows up and stings Patrick in the ass, derailing the whole thing and making SpongeBob look like a fool.
- When the Flying Dutchman himself appears and gives the reasons why he plans to steal the souls of the Halloween partygoers:
Every year, people dressing up like me! (Squidward whips off his costume and whistles nervously)
- The Dutchman rips off SpongeBob's costume... and flees in terror when it's revealed that SpongeBob's brain is exposed as a result of Patrick's shaving. Everyone else bolts out the door screaming as well.
SpongeBob: It worked, Patrick! I scared everybody!
Patrick: Yeah, I guess it was your pink hat.
SpongeBob: Pink hat? Oh, that's not a hat. That's my brain.
Patrick: Oh... AAAAAAAAAH! (runs off screaming; cut to black)
SpongeBob: Don't worry! It grows back!
13B - I Was a Teenage Gary
14A - SB-129
- Squidward's "pilates".
- "The time machine is down the hall, to the left. (loud noises and screams) Whoops! Oh, yeah, that one's the can opener."
14B - Karate Choppers
- When Sandy threatens to pour hot sauce on SpongeBob's tongue, the drop hanging out of the bottle suddenly develops a face via Synchro-Vox while the background becomes filled with thunder and lightning.
Hot Sauce Drop: BY THE POWERS OF NAUGHTINESS, I COMMAND THIS PARTICULAR DROP OF HOT SAUCE TO BE REALLY, REALLY HOT!
- At the Krusty Krab, there's a long line of customers. Spongebob is getting too jumpy with Karate, and when Squidward bothers him to get back to work, he immediately smacks the squid's face so hard it swells up to look like a butt.
Squidward: I'm going to pretend that didn't happen.
- At the end of the episode, Mr. Krabs has put SpongeBob and Sandy to work karate-chopping Krabby Patties for the customers:
15A - Sleepy Time
- SpongeBob visits Gary's dream, which is depicted as a library. Here, Gary somehow has grown a whole body and the ability to speak in a refined voice. He also becomes an egghead in his library. SpongeBob asks what's going on...
In dreams, one is not tethered by earthly limitations. SpongeBob:
What do you mean? Gary:
Come. (escorts SpongeBob down an aisle of books)
For ages, dreams have been thought of as windows to another realm. (takes a book and reads it)
"Let me not mar that perfect dream by an auroral stain, but so adjust my daily night that it may come again." Emily Dickinson
wrote that. SpongeBob:
Who? Gary: (quickly flips through pages)
Here's one you might know. (clears throat, then reads)
"There once was a man from Peru, who dreamed he was eating his shoe. He woke with a fright, in the middle of the night, to find that his dream had come true." SpongeBob: (laughs)
Gee, Gary, you sure are smart. Gary:
Did you think my shell was full of hot air?
- In Mr. Krabs' dream, there is both SpongeBob's "Oh, Crap!" Smile and Krabs' Death Glare after the former accidentally let the Moby Dollar escape.
This'll make a great fish story, eh, Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs: Oh, SpongeBob... SpongeBob:
Yes, Mr. Krabs? (finds himself with a rope lassoed around his torso
) Mr. Krabs: (holding a plunger gun) YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!! (shoots the gun, which has a rope attached to SpongeBob, hurling him out of Krabs' dream)
- At the end, all of the other characters barge in on SpongeBob, both in his dream and in reality, to yell at him for disturbing their dreams.
SpongeBob: (waking up, seeing everyone crowded around his bed)
Hey, what are you all doing in your pajamas? Are we having a slumber party? Squidward:
No, we are not
having a slumber party! Sandy:
Do us all a favor, SpongeBob, and stay out of our dreams! (everyone vehemently agrees in unison) Plankton:
Take a hike! Squidward:
Don't we get enough of you during the day? Gary:
Meow! Patrick: (walking up to the crowd) Does anyone have a quarter?
15B - Suds
- SpongeBob is left feeling under the weather after falling asleep in the kitchen with the fridge door open.
SpongeBob: (sliding on the icy floor into the bathroom) Oh, Gary... I don't feel like myself!
Gary: (slithers into the bathroom wearing a bobble hat over his shell and earmuffs on his head) Meow...
SpongeBob: (standing up) Don't be silly, Gary. I don't get colds, I get the suds.
SpongeBob: No, Gary. If I had the suds, I'd have bubbles coming out of me... (sneezes and covers his nose as bubbles fire out of his pores)
Gary: (eyes narrowing) Meow.
SpongeBob: I can't get the suds... because then I'll have to miss work. (sneezes again, but pulls the waistband of his underwear up to his eyes to block the bubbles)
Gary: (one eye narrowing) Meow?
SpongeBob: (defiantly) No, Gary. I like wearing my underwear like this. (turns around; what appears to be his backside is revealed to be two large bubbles which leak out of his underwear and pop)
- The following scene where SpongeBob has dragged his sickly self to work. His awful appearance just makes it hilarious, considering that he's attempting to just have a normal day at work:
SpongeBob: (sneezes loudly, pulls entire hat over his head to muffle it) Krabs:
SpongeBob! What's holding up those patties?! SpongeBob: (weakly, visibly shaking)
Right away, sir... Krabs:
SpongeBob! What's wrong with you? Yer paler than a baby seahorse! Gary: (suddenly in frame)
Meow. (leaves) Krabs:
The suds?! SpongeBob: (holds up plate with patty on it)
Here's that patty you wandded, Bister Krabs, sir... (sneezes loudly, causing the patty to splatter all over Mr. Krabs) Krabs: (nonchalantly dries himself off with his sleeve)
All right, SpongeBob, you're too sick to work. SpongeBob: (looking grotesquely sick) Doh Bister Krabs, I'b okay, hodest
... Krabs: (leads SpongeBob out the door)
No, now home and get some rest. Nothin' personal, lad. I just can't have ya sneezin' all over me food! (The customers overhear what Krabs just said, all spit out their food and panic)
No, wait! WAIT! (The customers run out of the Krusty Krab)
- A very sick SpongeBob calls Sandy to ask her to escort him to the doctor's office.
Sandy: Oh, sure SpongeBob! I'll be over there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August with a-
SpongeBob: Yeah, okay Sandy, thanks. (sneezes)
- Later in the episode, Patrick is determined to protect SpongeBob from the horror of a waiting room full of old magazines at the doctor's office and insists on treating SpongeBob's case of suds himself to prevent this. He starts by plugging up SpongeBob's pores with corks; this causes SpongeBob to swell to larger sizes each time he sneezes until his fingers are too big to dial the phone to tell Sandy he no longer needs her to take him to the hospital. Patrick calls her instead, but she is adamant that SpongeBob needs to go to the hospital:
Sandy: I'll be over there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot-
Patrick: (annoyed) Oh, yeah, yeah, the rabbit, look, don't bother, Sandy! (slams phone down)
- The panicked Patrick steps up his treatment of SpongeBob in a bid to cure his suds without qualified medical help:
Patrick: (plunging his hands, which already have rubber gloves on, into a sink full of water) DON'T TOUCH ME, I'M STERILE!
- By the time Sandy finally shows up, Patrick's "treatments" have escalated to wearing a hood and chaining SpongeBob to a torture rack in a torchlit room.
- While trying to hide SpongeBob (who is now the size of Patrick's rock) from Sandy:
Alright, Patrick, where's SpongeBob? Patrick:
Um... he's not here at the moment, please leave a message after the beep. (makes beep noise) Sandy: (folds arms)
Okay, so tell me: since when do you have two houses? Patrick:
Since I ran out of space to put my stuff. Sandy:
Uh huh. Yeah. Since when does your house have feet? Patrick: This is my mobile home.
- When Sandy finally gets SpongeBob to a hospital, the doctor orders "Hans" (a live-action hand) to give him a "Sponge Treatment", where SpongeBob (as a real-life sponge) is used to wash a plate, a car, a foot, and somebody's back.
SpongeBob: (''being scrubbed on someone's foot) *sniff, sniff* I can smell again!
- Even funnier is Patrick's "Special Treatment" where he (as a real-life starfish) is scrubbed on a cactus and in a toilet! And he just wanted the lollipop...
Patrick: (as he is being used to scrub the inside of a toilet bowl) WAIT, THIS DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT!...
16A - Valentine's Day
- When SpongeBob and Sandy's Valentine's surprise gift for Patrick, a giant chocolate balloon, is held up by a swarm of scallops, SpongeBob tries to stall by giving Patrick... a handshake. Patrick eventually sets aside his bitterness at the lameness of the "gift", only for a series of random fish to whom SpongeBob gave more elaborate gifts to walk up and thank him as he and Patrick sit on a bench at the Valentine's Day carnival. Patrick finally snaps and throws some guy when he asks them if they know the time, then charges toward a man in a Valentine's heart costume, screaming "I DEFY YOU, HEART MAN!" and tearing his costume in half.
- As Patrick's rampage continues, he sees a giant heart at the top of a swing ride, and roars, "HEART ON STICK MUST DIE!" as he tries to wrench it from its foundations. When this doesn't work, he grabs a passing girl's heart-shaped lollipop, repeats his "HEART ON STICK MUST DIE!" battle cry, and snaps it in half before throwing it in his mouth and crunching it into dust.
- Patrick emphatically refuses to turn around for anything when his Valentine finally appears behind him. Then this happens:
I am NOT turning around for ANY reason, EVER! Sandy:
Howdy, Patrick. Patrick:
) Hi, Sandy!
16B - The Paper
- Squidward talking with his ventriloquist dummy.
Squidward: Hey, Little Squidward! What's gray and ugly and has six arms?
Little Squidward: I don't know, but have you looked in the mirror lately?
- SpongeBob's impressions.
SpongeBob: A guy with a mustache. (puts the paper on like so, jumps around and speaks with a high-pitched accent) Look at me, I'm a guy with a mustache!
A pirate with an eye patch. (puts it over one eye, with a pirate accent) Arrgh, I'm a pirate.
A regular guy with an eye patch. (puts it over one eye again, pirate-accented once more) Arrgh, I'm not a pirate.
- When Squidward tries to beg SpongeBob to give him the paper, SpongeBob shows a flipbook of the exact same scene where Squidward insisted SpongeBob not do so.
Squidward (in flipbook): Take it, SpongeBob. Take it, please! And promise me no matter how much I may beg and plead and cry, don't give the paper back to me. Ever!
SpongeBob: Wanna see it again?
Squidward: No, I don't wanna see it again! Just give me that paper!
- As a little added bonus to that scene, the exact same background music heard the first time Squidward gives SpongeBob the paper is repeated. With an old-timey grainy effect, no less!
- Squidward attempts to do oral-gami, only to create a spitball, which grosses the offscreen children's voices out.
17A - Arrgh!
- SpongeBob, Patrick, and Mr. Krabs are playing the board game. Patrick rolls the dice and selects a chance card.
Patrick: (reading from the card) One of your shipmates has been a bad pirate. Send him to the brig. (rubs his chin as he tries to decide between SpongeBob or Mr. Krabs)
SpongeBob: (grins and motions to Mr. Krabs with his eyes)
Patrick: Hmmm... (moves Mr. Krabs' game token to the jail square) It's off to jail for you, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: (glares) Patrick, you're fired!
Patrick: But I don't even work here!
Mr. Krabs: (places an official uniform hat on his head) Would you like a job, starting now?
Patrick: (giddy) Boy, would I?!
Mr. Krabs: (yanks the hat away) You're fired!
- SpongeBob becomes tired of playing the treasure-hunting board game with Mr. Krabs, but when he turns on the light at home, Mr. Krabs is there waiting for him ready to play again.
Mr. Krabs: C'mon, SpongeBob. One more game. I can smell the treasure.
SpongeBob: (as he pushes Mr. Krabs out the front door) Mr. Krabs, it's late. Go to bed. Good night, Mr. Krabs. (he shuts the door and Mr. Krabs reappears in the living room)
Mr. Krabs: The wind is perfect; the tide is right. Let's hunt for treasure.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you gotta... (he opens the door and Mr. Krabs is right outside)
Mr. Krabs: Tread softly, lad. If the Dutchman hears ya, we'll never get his treasure.
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs...
Mr. Krabs: I'll roll for ya, boy.
SpongeBob: But, Mr...
Mr. Krabs: (he rolls the dice) Eight paces north — that's a good start, lad.
SpongeBob: But, Mr...
Mr. Krabs: One, two, three...
SpongeBob: (yelling loudly) MR. KRABS! I WANNA GO TO BED!!!
- When Mr. Krabs gives SpongeBob and Patrick pirate accessories for them to look more like pirates, SpongeBob puts on two peg legs while Patrick puts on two eye patches
Look, I'm Peggy the Pirate. (falls on the plank) Patrick:
I'm Blind Beard the Pirate. (falls on SpongeBob) Mr. Krabs: (facepalms)
- This part after SpongeBob and Patrick say "Arrgh!" too many times in unnecessary circumstances.
Mr. Krabs: From now on, only the captain says 'Arrgh'! Status report, Mr. SquarePants?
SpongeBob: The whole ship is underwater, captain.
- And later...
Mr. Krabs: Where's the X? It's supposed to be right here: "Ten thousand paces East"!
Patrick: Oooooooh, East? I thought you said "Weast".
Mr. Krabs: Weast? What kind of compass are you reading, lad?
Patrick: This one, sir. (hands him the compass)
Mr. Krabs: That's West, Patrick. You're fired again!
- When SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to sleep outside in the cold:
Patrick: I'm so loyal, I haven't bathed in weeks.
SpongeBob: But we've only been gone a few hours.
Patrick: I know. (chuckles)
(Spongebob scrambles over a few feet)
- When the Flying Dutchman gets back his treasure, he gives SpongeBob and Patrick two golden doubloons while Krabs gets the miniature treasure chest.
Flying Dutchman: A little something for your trouble.
Mr. Krabs: Gold gold gold! What? This is just a little plastic treasure chest.
Singing Voice: Plastic!
Flying Dutchman: Aye, but it's based on a real treasure chest.
17B - Rock Bottom
18A - Texas
- SpongeBob and Patrick feel sorrow for Sandy's homesickness and begin crying after hearing her song. Afterward, there is this line:
Patrick: Do you think she knows the Muffin Man song?
- Earlier in the song, the music notes visibly start attacking Patrick and he flails around in a panic trying to get rid of them.
- After learning of Sandy's Berserk Button, SpongeBob and Patrick decide to mock Texas, so Sandy will chase them back to the surprise party they've planned for her.
Look, Patrick! I'm Texas. Duh, howdy y'all! [They begin to walk around in a circle, acting Texan mockingly.] Patrick:
I'm Texas, too! Get a dog, little longie! Get a dog! SpongeBob:
Howdy y'all, howdy y'all! [During all the while, Sandy now has the WTF? look on her face combined with a Death Glare] Patrick:
Get a dog, little longie! Get a dog! Sandy:
Y'all best cut it out! SpongeBob: [singing in a fake southern accent while Patrick does armpit farts]
"The stars at night are dull and dim, whenever they have to be over dumb ol' stupid Texas!" [This causes Sandy to get really angry with her eyes turning blood red. SpongeBob is now shaped as Texas]
Hey Patrick, what am I now? Patrick:
Uh, stupid? SpongeBob:
No, I'm Texas! Patrick:
What's the difference?! [they both laugh uproariously]
- One of the most epic uses of Getting Crap Past the Radar. Right after Patrick suggests a good plan...:
SpongeBob: That's brilliant! Patrick, your genius is showing.
Patrick: (reaches hands down to cover crotch) WHERE!?
- When SpongeBob was shaking his butt and saying, 'TEXASSS' Sure, he doesn't pronounce it that way, but the joke was awesome. Now THAT'S Getting Crap Past the Radar. The fact that Sandy BLUSHES as he does this doesn't help.
- Who could forget that as Spongebob and Patrick are chased by an enraged Sandy, Patrick was lassoed into the horizon before exploding?
- After Sandy announces that she's staying in Bikini Bottom:
18B - Walking Small
19A - Fools in April
- Squidward tries to avoid SpongeBob's April Fools Day pranks by calling in sick. He then hears an art curator is willing to make him Artist of the Month.
Squidward: (wearing an artist uniform, speaking with paintbrush in mouth) I have arrived. (SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs laugh) What's so funny? Where's the art dealer?
Mr. Krabs: (he and SpongeBob laugh some more) You just missed him.
SpongeBob: Yeah, but he told us to tell you...
Squidward: Tell me what?
SpongeBob: He told me to tell you... (whispers in Squidward's ear) April Fools.
Squidward: (stares in silence for a bit, then places his hat on the desk and walks away) Well, it's been nice working here. Thanks for everything, Mr. Krabs.
SpongeBob: Squidward, wait!
Squidward: Just send my last check to the P.O. box, Mr. Krabs!
SpongeBob: Wait, Squidward! (whilst grabbing his legs) It was just a joke! No more jokes on you today, I promise!
Squidward: You do?
SpongeBob: Sure, there are lots of other willing participants. Right, Mr. Krabs? (Mr. Krabs sits on a whoopee cushion, making the expected noise and surprises him; as SpongeBob laughs)
- Squidward finds it difficult to apologize to SpongeBob for his April Fools' prank:
Squidward: SpongeBob, I just wanted to say I'm sorrrr-yyy. (sticks out his tongue)
Squidward: I'm trying to say I'm (his head turns into a donkey and brays) HEE-HAW! HEE HAW!
Squidward: I'm just trying to say I'm... (his head explodes) There's got to be an easier way to do this.
- Some of his methods include placing the note in a bottle, but SpongeBob doesn't have a bottle opener; and using tin cans to communicate, but Patrick uses the cord as dental floss.
19B - Neptune's Spatula
- The visual gag of Neptune, having zapped Patrick with his trident, reviving him but putting his face on his trunks (where it remains for the rest of the episode):
Patrick: (coaching SpongeBob before the fry-off) Don't give up your dream, SpongeBob. People used to say to me, "Patrick, you'll never amount to anything. You'll always have your head in the clouds." But just look at me now!
- This visual gag:
- During the cookoff against Neptune, we see SpongeBob putting ketchup and mustard smiles on pickles on a Krabby Patty then tucking them in for a nap with a cheese "blanket".
SpongeBob: (kisses them then takes out a book) Once upon a time...
- Spongebob wins the fry-off! ...And maybe does too good of a job.note
- Krabs tells SpongeBob he has his full confidence in him winning the fry-off, before hastily betting a load of money on Neptune instead. After the fry-off:
SpongeBob: (sees Mr. Krabs crying)
I know, Mr. Krabs. I'll miss you, too. Mr. Krabs: I lost me bet!
- After Neptune concedes and Spongebob wins, and Spongebob tearfully refuses because he doesn't want to leave his friends behind, Neptune's response is about what you would expect considering his selfish nature and Spongebob's good cooking, but then his attempt to force Spongebob doesn't give quite the result he apparently was expecting...
Neptune: (In response to Spongebob) It's too late now, I can't live without your burgers!
(He then grows large enough to reach his hand out over Spongebob, pointing his finger down at him)
Neptune: (Sounding sheepish and looking uncomfortable)...Or maybe, we do have a problem...
20A - Hooky
- The episode gets off to a flying start with Mr. Krabs' ignored warnings about the return of the hooks.
Mr. Krabs: (bursts through the front doors of the Krusty Krab)
THEY'RE BACK! THEY'RE BACK I TELL YA! I SAW IT WITH ME OWN EYES! (wiggles his eyes up and down) Customers: (stare for a moment then resume their conversations) Mr. Krabs: (runs up to a customer)
THE HOOKS! THE HOOKS! Customer: (grimaces, holds out a breath mint) How 'bout a mint? Mr. Krabs:
THE HOOKS! THE HOOKS!... Customer: (at cashier's station)
Can you make that to go? Squidward: (hands customer a bag)
You don't know how lucky you are. Mr. Krabs: (runs up to cashier's station)
THE HOOKS! So there I was, mindin' my own business- Squidward: (holds up an arm tentacle)
I'd love to hear another of your riveting
sea tales, but, um... I have to do my wastebasket inspection. (picks up wastebasket, empties it out, and puts it upside-down over his head)
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Oh yeah. There's one.
- As always, Squidward proves a less than adequate fry cook while SpongeBob is (literally) playing hooky with Patrick...
First customer: P-U, you call this food?!
Second customer: My sandwich tastes like a fried boot!
Third customer: (sitting in front of a boot and a glass of orange soda) My sandwich is a fried boot!
- When Squidward tells Mr. Krabs SpongeBob has taken a break, he initially laughs and says that no-one has taken a break since the Chum Famine of '59; when Squidward repeats himself, Krabs stands motionless as his arms and nose fall off. He then marches off in search of his errant employee, as the doors of the Krusty Krab swing back and forth. Each time they swing back to reveal the interior of the restaurant, more angry customers are surrounding Squidward until finally, they start lynching him.
Krabs: Mr. Squidward! What the halibut's goin' on in here?!
Squidward: It's a feeding frenzy, sir! And SpongeBob's not back from his break!
Krabs: [beat, then laughs out loud]
Krabs: I thought you said SpongeBob was takin' a break! No one's taken a break at the Krusty Krab since the Chum Famine of '59! [chuckles] Now, what were you sayin'?
Krabs: [stares in silence, then his arms and nose fall off; he then storms out the front door] Alright, SpongeBob LazyPants, I'll find ya. This nose can smell laziness up to 10,000 leagues. [sniffs] Aha! I'll give you a break you'll not soon forget!
(marches off, leaving Squidward surrounded by angry customers)
Squidward: But, Mr. Krabs, I still need (the customers pick him up like an angry mob) HEEEEELP!!!!
- Mr. Krabs finally tracks down SpongeBob and Patrick and confronts them over treating the hooks as if they were a carnival ride:
Mr. Krabs: I want you to promise me you'll never go near those hooks again.
SpongeBob, Patrick: (holding up their right hands) We promise, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: I need a sailor's promise! Repeat after me. (shifts from one foot to the other) Yo ho, yo ho, near the hooks I'll never go.
SpongeBob, Patrick: (imitating Krabs' movements) Yo ho, yo ho, near the hooks we'll never go.
(a hook is lowered down behind Mr. Krabs and spears his backside)
Mr. Krabs: (jumps up, grabbing his injured rear) YOWEEEE! Mother of Pearl! Fire on the poop deck!
SpongeBob, Patrick: Ahh! Mother of Pearl! Fire on the poop deck! (turn around and rub their own behinds)
- Patrick asking SpongeBob "Does this look dangerous?" while his mouth is full of fishing hooks.
- Also, "Are you gonna listen to a big dummy, or are you gonna listen to me?"
- "Hey, look, it's SpongeBob NudiePants!"
- Patrick getting put in a can of tuna at the end:
Patrick: Hello? Does anyone have a can opener?
20B - Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy II
- SpongeBob tries to operate the Invisible Boatmobile and presses what he thinks is the windshield wiper button. Instead, it's the origami button and the Boatmobile folds itself, along with SpongeBob, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, into an origami crane.
- When Mermaid Man sees the retired Atomic Flounder and jokes that he could go back to evil at any time, SpongeBob attacks him. The Atomic Flounder get angry and roars, releasing atomic energy at Barnacle Boy and covering his head in radiation, which then erupts into a miniature mushroom cloud and leaves his head blackened.
- Poor Barnacle Boy gets burned three times throughout the episode. First was when he and Mermaid Man were looking for the Invisible Boatmobile in the Mermalair, where Barnacle Boy found himself at the tail end of it, and then Mermaid Man activates the ignition. Then follows the above moment, and then when they again looked for the Boatmobile outside the diner, with Barnacle Boy finding himself on the tail end once more.
Barnacle Boy: *bumps into tail end* Oh Mermaid Man, I think I—
Mermaid Man: Found it! *activates Boatmobile, causing ignition flames to spurt out of the tailpipe, engulfing Barnacle Boy's head*
Oh, my aching tentacles!