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  • Jameson's epic reaction to Peter's request to be paid in advance: he cackles. For almost ten seconds straight, looks at Peter, then goes back to cackling before finally stopping with:
    Jameson: You serious?! Pay you for what, standing there?
    • If you notice, Robbie is sitting there smiling to himself as if he's thinking, "Walked yourself right into that one, kid."
  • "Pizza time!"
    • Beforehand, when Peter stumbles out of a broom closet, after taking web-swing transportation, and spends a painful amount of time trying to keep the brooms and mops from falling out with him, finally shutting the door on them. All the while the floor receptionist watches completely dumbfounded.
  • Following getting fired from his pizza delivery job, Peter tries to sell some non-Spider Man photos to J. Jonah Jameson. Pretty much every single line Jameson has in the ensuing conversation is hilarious:
    Jameson: You're fired. [notices Peter is distracted] Parker, hello? You're fired!
    Peter: What? Why?
    Jameson: [looks at Peter's latest portfolio] Dogs catching Frisbees? Pigeons in the park? A couple of geezers playin' chess?
    Betty: [walks in urgently] Boss!
    Jameson: Not now. [Betty walks out]
    Peter: Well, I was thinking maybe the Bugle could show another side of New York for a change.
    Robbie: [comes in] We got six minutes to deadline, Jonah! We need page one!
    Jameson: [ignores Robbie] Parker, I don't pay ya to be a sensitive artiste! I pay you because... [notices Betty trying again to come in] Still not now! [Betty walks back out] ... I pay you because for some reason that psycho Spider-Man'll pose for you!
    Peter: Spider-Man won't let me take any more pictures! You've turned the whole city against him!
    Jameson: A fact I'm very proud of! Now, get your pretty little portfolio off my desk before I go into a diabetic coma! [Betty finally just calls his phone]
    Betty: Boss, your wife's on the line! She said she lost your checkbook!
    Jameson: Thanks for the good news! [turns off intercom]
    Peter: Mr. Jameson, please! Isn't there any of these shots you can use? I really need the money.
    Jameson: [with faux sympathetic "puppy-eyes" face] Aww... Miss Brant?!?
    Betty: [walks in] Yes?
    Jameson: Get me a violin!
    Robbie: Five minutes to deadline, Jonah!
    Jameson: All right, run a picture of a rancid chicken. Here's the headline: "Food Poisoning Scare Sweeps City!"
    Ted Hoffman: [leans in] Some food got poisoned?
    Jameson: [glares over] I'm a little nauseous, yah!
    Peter: [after a short pause] All right, Mr. Jameson. [he hands Jameson a photo of Spider-Man]
    Jameson: [briefly analyzes the photo] It stinks. Robbie, there's your Page 1: "Masked Menace Terrorizes Town!"
    Robbie: I told you he's not a menace!
    Jameson: And I told you...
    Robbie: I'll take care of it.
    Jameson: I'll give you $150.
    Peter: $300.
    Jameson: That's outrageous! [hands Peter his check] Done. Give this to the girl. Thank you. Buh-bye.
    • Particular note to Peter's completely deadpan rebuttal of the price. You can just tell from the disinterested way he says it that they've done this before and he knows it'll work.
    • Right as Peter leaves, Jameson grabs the phone and goes back to his usual shennanigans like nothing happened.
    • When Jameson tells her to get him a violin, Betty has this look on her face as if she is genuinely unsure if he's being serious or not before running out the office, presumably going to search for a violin just to be safe.
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  • The "Spider-Man rides the elevator" scene. Both the original variant and the variant used in the extended cut.
  • In the climactic scene, as Mary Jane discovers Peter is Spider-Man, a giant wall starts to fall on her. Peter catches it, grins at her, and says "Hi!"
  • From the extended cut: JJ wears the Spidey Suit unaware that his coworkers are secretly watching him.
  • The "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head" montage.
    • His bike wheel breaks off, bounces out the window and hits a car below. Cue yells.
      Passerby: HEY! YOU PUNK!
      Peter: Um! Sorry!
  • Peter dodges a car by backflipping 10 feet into the air, does a Three-Point Landing, and notices some kids witnessed the whole thing.
    Kid: How'd you do that?
    Peter: Uhh... workout, plenty of rest. Y'know, eat your green vegetables!
    Kid 2: That's what my mom is always saying! I just didn't actually believe her!
    • Peter even has a "I can't believe that worked!" look on his face.
    • While the subsequent action scene is undeniably badass, it is kinda funny how easily Spider-Man defeats the two getaway robbers, who are armed to the teeth, mind you, by simply webbing them to a nearby street light post and then he proceeds to drive away in their getaway car (in the extended cut you see him get to the driver's seat and take off his mask). Sure enough, he arrives at MJ's play in that car.
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    • A guard threatens to tow Peter's car if he parks where he did. Peter pauses for a while and then decides the hell with it since it’s not his car anyway and walks away.
  • The spoof of his first attempt to come back to being Spider-Man.
    Peter: I'M BACK! [jumps, and falls into washing lines and lands on a car. He gets up and his back cracks loudly] MY BACK!
  • In an interview on public radio, Bruce Campbell discusses his various roles in the films, playing up their importance for laughs. When discussing his usher role in this film, he jokingly brags that he "defeated Spider-Man."
  • In the opening sequence, Peter is racing through busy Manhattan traffic trying to make a pizza delivery on an extremely tight time limit. With traffic really backed up, he ditches his bike, runs into an alleyway, quickly changes into Spider-Man, and then web-slings out of the alleyway, which is noticed by a bystander.
  • Aunt May kicking the loan guy, though she tried to kick Peter's leg when he was making a comment on her decision to give piano lessons, but she ends up aiming at the wrong guy. During the subsequent fight between Spidey and Doc Ock, a coin rolls towards the banker, he picks it up, but Aunt May slaps it out of his hand.
    • The bank moment is made even better by the fact that Aunt May and Peter remain perfectly calm and innocent-looking while the bank official is gasping in pain and glaring at them.
    • After Spider-Man saves Aunt May from Octavius, leaves her on the street and swings away, several girls quickly crowd around her, screaming to Spider-Man: "Take me with you!"
  • Who could forget:
    Robbie: Still no word on the whereabouts of your son's fiancée. Sorry, Jonah.
    Jameson: [sighs] It's all my fault. I drove Spider-Man away.
    Ted Hoffman: He was the only one who could have stopped Octavius.
    Jameson: [sighs] Yes... Spider-Man... was a hero. I just... couldn't see it.
    [THWIP]
    Jameson: [turns around] He was a...[sees the Spider-Man suit is missing] A THIEF! A CRIMINAL! He stole my suit! He's a menace to the entire city! I want that wall-crawling arachnid PROSECUTED! I want him STRUNG UP BY HIS WEB! [looks up at the skylight] I WANT SPIDER-MAAANNN!!!!
    [Spinning newspaper headline: "HE'S BACK!"]
    • The outtakes give JK Simmons trying to say "... a thief!", and struggling due to the false teeth in his mouth that won't stop popping out. In the finished film there's a camera cut as Jameson starts enunciating "thief", so it's probable he never managed to pronounce it without his teeth falling off and they had to cut the scene around it.
  • "Dear, we agreed to put on a wedding, not go into bankruptcy. [beat] Caviar?! What, are we inviting the Czar?! Get some cheese and crackers... some of those little cocktail weenies."
  • During the bank fight, Doc Ock's tentacles have pinched around Spider-Man's head, giving him the opportunity to growl:
    Doc Ock: You're getting on my nerves.
    Spider-Man: I have a knack for that.
    Doc Ock: Not anymore.
  • This phenomenally dickish taunt from Doc Ock when he drops Aunt May off a building:
    Doc Ock: Butterfingers!
    • In the extended cut, as Spidey and Ock fall, brawling, they crash through the window of a law firm, duke it out for a few moments while a terrified paralegal backs into a corner, then resume fighting outside as the terrified woman scampers.
  • After the train passengers do the whole "go through me" thing for Spider-Man, Doc Ock simply shrugs, goes "Very well," and executes his Foe-Tossing Charge.
  • During Peter and May's reunion, the heartwarming So Proud of You moment is immediately followed by Peter noticing his old comics aren't in any of her moving boxes.
    Peter: Hey, where are all my comic books?
    Aunt May: Oh, those dreadful things? I gave those away.
    Peter: ... [thousand yard stare]
  • The Video Game has one of Spider-Man's all-time funniest lines, when he is confronted by the Shocker:
    Spider-Man: Shocker, you look good! Have you been re-upholstered? note 
    • One of the exchanges that can occur as you're slinging your way around NYC; what really sells it it Tobey MacGuire's delivery:
      Sassy Black Woman: You tha man, Spidey!
      Spider-Man: [confused] You tha... woman?
    • Bruce Campbell tells you that if you find all the hint tips, they'll say "something different". Then, when you've found them all, they do indeed say "Something different."
    • Your last confrontation with Mysterio. You've faced him in a burning theater where the floor was literally lava, fought his UFOs attacking the Statue of Liberty, and gone through a twisted funhouse. The last time you face him... He's robbing a convenience store.
      • He strikes a dramatic pose, three health bars fill... then you smack him and he goes down in one punch.
      • The sheer idea of alien invaders robbing a store. Spidey even lampshades it, saying "Aliens holding up a convenience store? This I have to see."
    • Mysterio in general, especially Spider-Man's refusal to take him seriously:
      Mysterio: Now, prepare to meet you end in my... FUNHOUSE OF DOOM!
      Spider-Man: "Funhouse of Doom"? I thought you were an alien.
      Mysterio: Silence!
  • On a meta level, serious fans of the Justice League cartoon series will likely look at the train scene and go "Do something Green Lantern, you're standing right there!"
  • Some behind the scenes moments:
    • Sam Raimi brought a guest to help out Alfred Molina to understand exactly what kind of performance he wants. The guest is seen enacting the scene of Doc Ock performing his fusion experiment with the arms attached to him. Who is the guest? Why, the Big Bad of the previous movie, Willem Dafoe of course! He even uses his Green Goblin voice for this scene. Molina has a good laugh over this and the two actors then shake hands.
    • A close up shot of Alfred Molina is shown as he growls menacingly. As the camera pulls away, he breaks character and starts singing "If I Were A Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof (he was rehearsing for a Broadway production at the time). The puppeteers make the arms dance along with it. It has to be seen to be believed!

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