"So that's how I shot web."
- The opening scene with Peter's narration. It's Tobey Maguire's delivery that sells it, going from melancholy to resigned as Peter is revealed, and hints of the character's signature snark.Peter: This, like any story worth telling, is all about a girl. [close-up of Mary-Jane on a school bus] That girl. The Girl Next Door. Mary Jane Watson. The woman I've loved since before I even liked girls. [Flash puts his arm around Mary Jane and snuggles up to her] I'd like to tell you that's me next to her. [camera pans out to show a fat guy eating a donut sitting in front of them] Aw, heck, I'd even take him. [fat guy looks out the window and laughs at someone hitting the side of the bus calling for it to stop; cut to the bus's mirror showing Peter chasing the bus down the street] That's me...
- After Peter gets his powers and comes home to Uncle Ben and Aunt May, there's a number of gags.
- Peter goes to his room and is feeling light-headed and dazed. He flops onto the bed and then falls off, grabbing for the covers on his bed as he falls asleep.
- Peter wakes up and goes to put on his glasses. He makes a funny face, because the room is actually blurry when he puts them on. He puts them on and takes them off while looking at himself in the mirror a couple of times for comedic effect.
- Peter lays the glasses down, and then notices the rest of his body in the mirror. His chest and biceps in particular are much more muscular. He’s also amazed when he discovers he has a shredded six-pack. Peter looks at himself with bewilderment.
- This leads to a hilarious exchange with Aunt May, who is talking to him through the door.Aunt May: Peter!
Peter: Yeah?
Aunt May: Are you alright?
Peter: Uhhh...I'm fine.
Aunt May: Are you better this morning, any change?
Peter: Change? [Beat, looks down at himself] Yeah, big change.
- In the cafeteria, when MJ slips on some spilled juice, Peter uses his Spider-Sense and lightning fast reflexes to catch her and her food. This leads to MJ noticing for the first time that Peter has blue eyes, something she never really saw when he had glasses on. This sudden compliment from his crush results in Peter being completely speechless and just awkwardly smiling. MJ smiles and goes back to her table.
- Peter then realises a fork is stuck in his wrist, via his webbing. Given how the webs are a metaphor for something else and he was physically very close to the girl of his dreams and received a compliment from her mere moments ago, you’ve gotta wonder…
- He then experiments with his webs and ends up snaring an unattended tray of food, which he ends up pulling towards himself. He reflexively manages to dodge that, but the tray hits the person sitting directly behind him: Flash Thompson.
- Peter tries to quickly walk out of the cafeteria to his class but the web is still attached to his wrist and the tray. So the tray keeps following him like a puppy tied to a leash which he is holding.
- Flash is pissed but he is also baffled that the meek nerd he bullies on a regular basis had the balls to try and humiliate him in public and takes his time to process that.Flash: Parker?
- The scene where Flash tries attacking Peter after he's gotten his powers. His super-reflexes are represented by Bullet Time... which is so slow that he has time to dodge Flash's punch, shoot a confused look up at Flash, then focus his attention back on the fist, all in the time it takes a single punch to be thrown.
- MJ tries to ask Harry to help Peter out but ends up using some Ambiguous Syntax doing it. Meanwhile, one of Flash’s other Jerk Jock friends tries to attack Peter from behind, who gets out of the way by doing an epic somersault in midair. Harry is stunned and confused.MJ: Help him, Harry!
[Peter does a somersault avoiding an attack from another Jerk Jock]
Harry: Which one? - The other guy is baffled and realises that maybe messing with Puny Parker is not his thing. He tells Flash, “He’s all yours, man!” An annoyed Flash angrily shoves him away and resumes the fight.
- Peter then wins by punching Flash across the hall who lands on a teacher’s feet, who was carrying some chocolate pie, making him drop it on his face. Also CMOA.
- Peter's initial attempts to figure out how his web-shooting works, including Shout Outs to other comic heroes such as Superman and Shazam!.
- Then when he figures it out, the next step is practicing his swing, which results in his immediately crashing into a wall. What makes it even funnier is the way the camera zooms into Peter's screaming mouth as he is about to crash.
- Peter’s attempts at shooting web to a nearby crane is failing as he is not used to aiming properly. He first aims too low, then too high, then finally gets it right in the third attempt.
- This leads to Peter eventually try and practice aiming right. He puts a Dr. Pepper can on a table and tries shooting at it.
- Attempt 1: He knocks down some desk toys.
- Attempt 2: He ends up webbing (and smashing) a framed photo of himself with Uncle Ben and Aunt May.
- Attempt 3: He manages to aim right and pull the can towards him.
- Attempt 4: He then casually aims at something else: a table lamp on the other side of the room. He realises a little too late that he is already holding a can in one hand so he wouldn’t be able to catch it and gets out of the way again. The lamp crashes into the wall.
- Aunt May comes to investigate. Peter barely opens the door to answer her.Aunt May: Peter? What’s—what’s going on in there?
Peter: I’m exercising. I’m not dressed, Aunt May
Aunt May: Well, you’re acting so strangely, Peter!
Peter: Okay, thanks. - Once she leaves, we see the whole room is covered in webs, meaning those four attempts we see on screen were not the only attempts.
- The overall scene where Uncle Ben and Peter have their final conversation is very dramatic but he tries to talk to Peter about puberty. Peter, who is going through his superpower awakening, decides to react this way:Uncle Ben: Pete, look. You’re changing. I know, I went through exactly same thing at your age.
Peter: No, not exactly. - Even before the wrestling match, there's a funny moment with Peter when he initially wants to sign up, courtesy of Octavia Spencer herself: "There's no featherweight division here, small fry. Next!"
- Peter's original idea for his name.Announcer: "The Human Spider", that's it, that's the best you got?
Peter: Yeah.
Announcer: Oh, that sucks...- Ever since, Bruce Campbell loves to bring up how it may look like just a throwaway cameo for him, but in fact if it wasn't for him, the whole series would be called The Human Spider.
- It then leads to the announcer finally calling Peter by his iconic superhero name. As the curtain lifts and the spotlights turn on behind Peter, he doesn't even bask in all the booing from the audience. Instead, he has this priority to settle with the man in the back:Peter: My name's "The Human Spider"!
Man: I don't care. Get out there!
Peter: No, he got my name wrong!
Man: [shoves Peter towards the ring] Get out there, you moron! - The female fighters all taunting Peter up close to his face, yelling at him with their microphones while he is being pelted with popcorn from the crowds above.
- As he makes his way to the ring, Peter sees the previous fighter being led out on a stretcher crying out, "My legs! Oh God! I can't feel my legs!" while the nurse and doctor tending to the fighter shake their heads at Peter.
- The Reveal of Peter's original costume after the announcer presents him to the crowd. After an inspired montage in the scene before, where we see Peter taking the time to go through several designs before settling on his iconic costume from the comics, followed by his appearance at the match up until this point being hidden by shadow, we finally see the fruit of his labors — a long sleeve shirt with a spider spray-painted on it and a red ski mask.
- Just the fact that Macho Man Randy Savage got his ass handed to him by Tobey Maguire of all people.
- Peter freaking out when he learns he signed up for a cage match
.Peter: Hey! Unlock the thing! Take the chain off!
Bonesaw: Hey, freakshow!
[Peter looks back at him with freaked-out eyes]
Bonesaw: You're going nowhere! I got you for three minutes! Three minutes of playtime!- And of course, we must never forget BONESAW IS READYYYYYYYYY.
- Bonesaw charges at Peter, but he jumps out of the way at the last second, leaving Bonesaw to run face-first into a metal pole and fall backwards.
- Peter to Bonesaw: "That's a cute outfit. Did your husband give it to you?"
- During the Confused Bystander Interview montage, at one point, a random woman says "he has those tights and that tight little—" before getting cut off.
- They also interview a certain warrior princess who comments that a man with eight hands "sounds hot."
- A police officer's response regarding Spider-Man: "He's some kind of freaky-loo whack-a-doo, I don't know."
- Jim Norton's one line: "He stinks, and I don't like him!" He's teased himself for that one line on his various radio shows for years.
- J. Jonah Jameson's introduction features rapid-fire humor as he grills Robbie about why Spider-Man is on the front page, all while poor Hoffman tries to juggle some of the minute issues with the next issue of the Daily Bugle.
- Robbie: We sold out four printings!
Jameson: (stunned silence) Sold out?
Robbie: Every copy!
Jameson: ...Tomorrow morning, Spider-Man, page 1 with a decent picture this time! Move Conway to page 7!
Hoffman: There's an problem with page 7-
Jameson: Then make it page 8 and give him 10% off! Ah, make it 5%!
Hoffman: That can't be done-
Jameson: GET OUTTA HERE!
- When Peter realizes he can sell his own photos to Daily Bugle to earn some cash, he sets up his camera at a crime scene. The armed robbers get distracted by the flash of his camera going off automatically. Cue Spider-Man arriving, in a hammy superhero pose, almost like he is posing for the camera. Once all the robbers are down, he turns to the camera, while wearing an outfit which covers every inch of his body and says "Cheese!"
- Peter then takes a bunch of his photos— the best quality of Spider-Man pictures in the entire city, to the Bugle. Peter looks very pleased and gives a "what do you think?" look to Jameson. Of course, Jameson's reaction is this:Jameson: They're crap... crap... crap... Megacrap!.
- He then offers 200 bucks for them. When Peter protests, Jameson tells him to take them somewhere else. As Peter starts leaving, Jameson receives another phone call from Betty about his wife. Seeing that Peter is leaving, he quickly snarks at her and tells Peter to sit down and this time, offers him 300 bucks and makes sure to add that it is standard freelance fee, so that Peter won't ask for more.
- Blink and you'll miss it moment just before that: Robbie puts a hand up to keep Peter from leaving the office moments before JJJ calls him back. He's been around JJJ long enough to learn his behavioral tics, and knows when JJJ is just playing hardball with a new hire.
- When Peter says he needs a job, Jameson tells him he should just work as a freelance photographer and best case scenario, he'll send Peter Christmas meat.
- Peter then takes a bunch of his photos— the best quality of Spider-Man pictures in the entire city, to the Bugle. Peter looks very pleased and gives a "what do you think?" look to Jameson. Of course, Jameson's reaction is this:
- "It's you who's out, Gobby! Out of your mind!"
- Basically any given line-read by Willem Dafoe, either as Norman Osborn or Green Goblin (and occasionally both at once), is both hilarious and menacing at the same time; never since Jack Nicholson's portrayal of the Joker has any actor walked such a thin tightrope between absurdism and menace. So for the sake of tidiness, a list of Osborn/Goblin's big laughs:
- The cackling is... a choice.
- "OUT, AM I?!"
- Sure, it's Nightmare Fuel, but Green Goblin then tosses a pumpkin bomb and after it explodes, it hilariously turns a group of bystanders on the balcony into cartoonish skeletons before fading to dust seconds later.
- After briefly being surrounded by police at the parade, Green Goblin exclaims, "I SURRENDER!", before immediately starting to beat the crap out of the group of officers. Spidey himself reacts to this with an understated "Oh, boy."
- Spidey tries to throw a punch at Green Goblin. Goblin catches it, says, "Impressive!" and kicks Spidey across the parade through wine glass tables until he eventually hits a pole.
- Whilst flying away on his malfunctioning glider, after his and Spider-Man's first encounter: "WE'LL MEET AGAIN, SPIDER-MAAAAAAAAN!!"
- The scene where the Green Goblin persona reveals himself to Norman in his mansion, where Norman asks him where his voice is coming from. The Goblin cryptically responds by telling him to "Follow the cold chill running down your spine," leading to Norman to look at his tribal mask collection. Green Goblin then drops the ominous facade with an exasperated-sounding "I'm right here!"
- Green Goblin giving Spidey a Dope Slap while giving him a We Can Rule Together speech.
- After Spidey rejects Green Goblin's offer and escapes him in the building, he proclaims in such a hammy voice, "NO ONE SAYS NO TO ME!" And then we transition to Norman in the elevator with his eyes drooping and just looking stoned.
- Goblin's singsong.Green Goblin: The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout. Down came the Goblin and took the spider out!
- The noises Goblin and Peter make while fighting to death in the abandoned building.
- Despite how shocking and depressing Norman's death was, there's just something so funny about his reaction to his glider missing Peter and about to impale him:Green Goblin/Norman: [completely deadpan] Oh. [gets impaled]
- There's also something darkly funny about the fact that he's clearly impaled fatally through his crotch.
- Jameson announcing to Hoffman that he's named the Green Goblin.Jameson: [picking up a phone to summon...] Hoffman!
Hoffman: [who just happens to be outside the office door] Yeah?
Jameson: [looks at his phone receiver in confusion and hangs it up] Call the patent office! Tell 'em to copyright the name "Green Goblin"! I want a quarter every time somebody says it!
Hoffman: How about "Green Meanie"?
Jameson: [points to the office door, shooing Hoffman out] - Peter isn't happy when the Bugle prints a story claiming Spider-Man attacked the city.Peter: Spider-Man wasn't trying to attack the city, he was trying to save it. That's slander.
Jameson: It is not! I resent that! [Beat] Slander is spoken. In print, it's libel.- What makes this even funnier is that, legally speaking, Jameson is absolutely right. Knowing the distinction between slander and libel is very important for any publication or newspaper.
- There's also something about the way that he slows down and lowers his voice to make that point, like he's making sure/taking great satisfaction to avoid legal repercussions.
- Another one of Jameson's exchanges:Peter: You don't trust anyone, that's your problem.
Jameson: I trust my barber. [bear in mind, JJJ has a graying flattop and a toothbrush moustache. Everyone takes a beat to witness the epic misjudgment going on]- And then, immediately afterwards, Jameson tells Parker to leave as he tosses his cigar out the window... and then it flies back in. A Beat... then cue Green Goblin explosively crashing into the Bugle.
- Goblin throwing the cigar back in at all is hilarious to think about, especially since you never see him. He could've been waiting the whole time for the stogie to fall, or maybe it hit him in the face while he was cruising around and decided to crash in.
- When Spider-Man shows up and Goblin lets go of Jameson, Jameson accuses both of them of being accomplices on the attack... only for Spider-Man to shut him up with a web to his mouth.Spider-Man: Hey, kiddo, let Mom and Dad talk for a minute, will ya?
- At one point while catching up with Peter, Mary Jane agrees, "I'd like a cheeseburger." Something about that line and the way Kirsten Dunst says it is just hysterical.
- "Sorry I'm late. I had to beat an old lady with a stick to get these cranberries!" Followed by Norman preparing to carve the turkey in the most deliciously evil way possible.
- A dark example: "Sorry I'm late. Work was murder."
- Two guys on the boat have an exchange when Spider-Man is fighting Green Goblin on the bridge.Boat Guy 1: He's not gonna make it!
Boat Guy 2: He's gonna make it! - And one for the video game adaptation, when Spidey first meets The Shocker... and his adorably upholstered outfit.Spidey: So you must be... Quilt-Man! Padded Pete! Mr. Triple-Ply? Oh, I got it! THE CUSHION.
- From the same game, Spidey throwing one of Green Goblin's taunts back at him.Green Goblin: We're practically brothers, you and I!
Spidey: Brothers, huh? Well then I'm telling Mom!
