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Funny / Spaceballs

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  • When Lone Starr is training with Yogurt in how to use the Schwartz, he practices by lifting a colossal Yogurt statue. Barf, amazed at this, asks Lone Starr how he did it, which distracts him and makes him accidentally drop the statue on Barfs foot, causing the Mawg to start yelping in pain. Yogurt uses the ring and lifts the statue to free Barf, revealing that the Mawg's foot is completely flattened, cartoon-style
    Lone Starr: Sorry, Barf!
    [Barf walks away, howling and moaning from the pain]
    • A trooper takes off Dot's batteries.
  • During Lone Starr and Dark Helmet's duel:
    Dark Helmet: So Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because Good Is Dumb.
  • Or, from earlier in the same scene:
    Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr. I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
    Lone Starr: ...what does that make us?
    Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
    • Even better: depends on how many siblings Lone Starr's father had, Lone Starr and Dark Helmet could actually be former roommates. Only, Lone Starr is supposedly a foundling, confounding this.
    • It should be noted that a father's brother's nephew's cousin would just be your cousin as well, meaning Dark Helmet could have just said “I’m your cousin’s former roommate.”
  • While watching Spaceballs: The Movie:
    [they fast-forward past the stuff you've seen before in the movie; Dark Helmet has a bamboozled look on his face as he watches, and after seeing himself crash into the control panel earlier...]
    Dark Helmet: No no, go past this; past this part. [darts eyes to the side] In fact, never play this again. [awkwardly sips coffee]
    Colonel Sandurz: [to the Operator] Try it here. Stop.
    [The footage is now playing at normal speed; they are now watching themselves-right-now; Dark Helmet is very confused and proceeds to wave his arm up and down]
    Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?!
    Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
    Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
    Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
    Dark Helmet: When?
    Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
    Dark Helmet: Go back to then!
    Colonel Sandurz: When?
    Dark Helmet: Now.
    Colonel Sandurz: Now?
    Dark Helmet: Now!
    Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
    Dark Helmet: Why?
    Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
    Dark Helmet: When?
    Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
    Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
    Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
    Dark Helmet: How soon?
    Operator: Sir!
    Dark Helmet: What?!
    Operator: We've identified their location.
    Dark Helmet: Where?!
    Operator: It's the moon of Vega.
    Colonel Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival.
    Dark Helmet: When?!
    Operator: 1900 hours, sir.
    Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners.
    Dark Helmet: WHOOOOOOOOO?!?! [mask on helmet slams down]
  • Plus, when they're getting the movie, they go over to a rack containing every previous Mel Brooks movie (with their cases helpfully turned to face the camera),note  lots of Friday the 13th films, and Rocky I through Rocky XIV. Which sets up a subtle Brick Joke that pays off right after Pizza the Hutt's death is announced on the news. "Coming up next, Pongo's review of Rocky Five... Thousand."
  • And towards the start of the film, where Dark Helmet meets the extended Asshole family:
    Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot! I said across the nose, not up it!
    Gunner: [very cross-eyed] Sorry, sir; I'm doing my best!
    Dark Helmet: ...Who made that man a gunner?
    Officer: [also very cross-eyed] I did, sir! He's my cousin!
    Dark Helmet: Who is he?
    Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole, sir.
    Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name?
    Colonel Sandurz: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
    Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
    Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's Mate First Class Phillip Asshole.
    Dark Helmet: How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?!
    [everyone else (but one) on the bridge stands up and waves]
    Assholes: Yo!
    Dark Helmet: I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes! [puts his visor back down] Keep firing, Assholes!
  • "Suck! Suck! Suck!"
    • "It's Mega-Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!"
      Skroob: Well, don't just stand there! Do something!
      Dark Helmet: [to Sandurz] Do something!
      [Sandurz grabs the intercom]
      Sandurz: [over the intercom] Do something!
    • Also, "Commence Operation: Vaccu-Suck!"
  • The diner scene near the end. A chestburster suddenly, for want of a better phrase, bursts out of the chest of a patron at the diner (played by John Hurt), and proceeds to do sing "Hello! Ma Baby" in the rag style of Michigan J. Frog. As he exits stage-left, Lone Starr and Barf have only one response:
    Lone Starr & Barf: [quickly stand up] Check, Please!!
  • The bumper sticker encompassing the tail end of Spaceball One, which reads "We Brake For Nobody", and it appears to be taped-on!
    • The one on the tail end of the Eagle 5, which reads "I (heart) Uranus"
    • The license plate on the front of Vespa's Mercedes, which reads "Spoil'd Rott'n I"
  • The entire Ludicrous Speed segment. The whole thing.
    Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed!
    Dark Helmet: No-no-no, light speed is too slow!
    Colonel Sandurz: Light speed too slow?
    Dark Helmet: Yes, we'll have to go right to... Ludicrous Speed!
    [the entire crew gasps]
    Colonel Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before! I don't know if this ship can take it!
    Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
    Colonel Sandurz: [voice breaks harshly] Prepare ship— [collects himself] Prepare ship for Ludicrous Speed! Fasten all seat belts! Seal all entrances and exits! Close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three-ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo—
    Dark Helmet: [snatches PA voice box from Sandurz's hand] Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! Now hear this! Ludicrous speed—
    Colonel Sandurz: Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
    Dark Helmet: Aw, buckle this! Ludicrous speed, GO!
    [Dark Helmet clings to his console, screaming as he sees various warp trails on the monitor; meanwhile, there are signs lighting up indicating "Light Speed", "Ridiculous Speed", and a flashing "Ludicrous Speed" sign]
    Dark Helmet: [straining] What have I done?! My brains... are going into my feet!
    [the Streaming Stars soon turn into a plaid pattern; Lone Starr and Barf duck as Spaceball One rockets past them]
    Barf: What the hell was that?!
    Lone Starr: Spaceball One.
    Barf: They've gone to plaid!
    Dark Helmet: We passed them! Stop this thing!
    Colonel Sandurz: [whimpering] We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We've got to slow down first!
    [Sandurz struggles to reach a lever labeled "Emergency Brake — Never Use"; when he pulls it, Dark Helmet is rocketed towards the front console, where he smashes it and his helmet]
    Colonel Sandurz: Are you all right, sir?
    Dark Helmet: [dazed] Fine. How have you been?
    Colonel Sandurz: Fine, sir.
    Dark Helmet: Good.
    Colonel Sandurz It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
    Dark Helmet: Yeah.
    Colonel Sandurz: What should we do now, sir?
    Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
    Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, sir.
    Dark Helmet: Good. Well why don't we take a five minute break?
    Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir.
    Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got 'em.
    [Dark Helmet collapses]
    • Later, it becomes a Once Done, Never Forgotten moment for Dark Helmet while watching Spaceballs: The Movie.
    • This scene has so entered public consciousness that a famous automotive manufacturer included a feature named after it.
    • The DVD even has a feature that allows you to watch the movie at Ludicrous Speed, which basically amounts to watching the whole movie on fast-forward.
  • Michael Winslow's One-Scene Wonder as The Radar Officer who makes his own sound effects:
    Radar Technician: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit! [taps his helmet, making beeps; talks into the communicator in a high staticky voice] Sir?
    Colonel Sandurz: What is it?
    Radar Technician: [staticky voice] Can I talk to you for a minute please, sir?
    [Sandurz and Helmet head towards the technician's station]
    Colonel Sandurz: Well?
    Radar Technician: [staticky voice] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
    Colonel Sandurz: You don't need that, private. [takes the communicator and puts it back on its place] We're right here, now what is it?
    Radar Technician: [staticky voice] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
    Dark Helmet: [angrily grabs and throws the communicator away] NOW WHAT IS IT?
    Radar Technician: [normal voice] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
    Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?!
    Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I lost the sweeps, and I lost the creeps.
    Dark Helmet: The what?
    Colonel Sandurz: The what?
    Dark Helmet: And the what?
    Radar Technician: You know, the bleeps... [makes beeping noise]... the sweeps... [makes vibrating noise] and the creeps. [makes squeaking noise]
    Dark Helmet: [quietly, to Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.
    • The look Dark Helmet has on his face when he says that last line.
    • On the last "I'm having trouble with the radar sir." you can hear Winslow start to crack up.
    • The look on Helmet's face when the technician starts using that voice. And the annoyed expression on Sandurz's face while Helmet grabs and throws the communicator away.
  • For one scene, Mel Brooks gave Rick Moranis some Spaceballs action figures and told him to go nuts for a minute. What we got what this gem.
    Dark Helmet: [using a deep voice] So Princess Vespa, at last, I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to. [in higher-pitched, feminine voice] No please leave me alone! [deep voice] NO! You are mine! [imitates Lone Starr and, of course, gives him a nerdy and nasal voice] Not so fast, Helmet! [Helmet voice] Lone Starr! [Lone Starr voice] Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi honey! [Helmet voice] Now, you are going to die! [makes shooting noises, Lone Starr voice] Ahhh...ahhh! [imitates Barf] Hey! whadja do to my friend? [Helmet voice] The same thing I'm going do to you big boy! [makes shooting noises at "Barf"] And you too! ["shoots Dot"] Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone. [Vespa voice] Oh, no! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Leave me alone! And yet... I find you strangely attractive. [Helmet voice] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you know it. [Vespa voice] NO! Leave me alone! [Helmet voice] NO! Kiss me!! [in Vespa's voice, makes smooching noises with the Dark Helmet and Princess Vespa figures] OH... ohh... oh your helmet is sooo big.
    Colonel Sandurz: [barges in] Lord Helmet!
    Dark Helmet: [startled, hiding his action figures] WHAT!!??
    Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir.
    Dark Helmet: [unfathomably embarrassed] KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!!!
    Colonel Sandurz: Yes sir!
    Dark Helmet: Did you see anything!?
    Colonel Sandurz: No sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
    Dark Helmet: GOOD!
  • The torture scene. Seems a bit far-fetched that torture can be considered funny, but it's the method Dark Helmet intends to torture Vespa; he threatens to subject her to plastic surgery to give her back her old nose, which horrifies both her and the king. And this gets the latter to tell them the combination to access Druidia and its air. The combination is... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5.
    Dark Helmet: So the combination is 1-2-3-4-5... That's the STUPIDEST combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind thing an idiot would have on his luggage.
    • Also, Colonel Sandurz accidentally turns off the movie, making everything dark. And when he turns it back on, the doctor, who is also a golfer, is making out with the nurse.
    • And by the way, it turns out that President Skroob has that combination on his luggage. He himself says so. Cue the exchanged glance between Sandurz and Helmet.
    • That said, there's a bit of Nightmare Fuel involved when you realize that the surgeon doesn't have any anaesthesia prepared. But that usually only occurs to you on watching the scene again.
  • "You idiots! These are not them! YOU'VE CAPTURED THEIR STUNT DOUBLES!"
  • President Skroob orders Helmet to "comb the desert", and he makes his men follow the order. Literally.
    • "We ain't found shit!" Making that funnier? That's the fellow who went on to play Tuvok!
    • An easy-to-miss aspect: when talking to Colonel Sandurz, who's standing right next to him, Dark Helmet yells into his megaphone. Yet he ditches it to yell at the Spaceballs out in the desert. What makes this even funnier, is that if you watch closely Sanduz makes a Double Take at this.
  • "I ain't shooting this thing! I hate guns!" Followed by Princess Vespa's Berserk Button: "My hair! He SHOT MY HAIR!"*cocking gun* "Son of a BITCH!"
    Vespa: How was that?
    Lone Starr: Not bad.
    Barf: Not bad... for a girl.
    Dot Matrix: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!
    • Watch carefully during this whole scene. Vespa stands in one spot for a good 20 seconds, and you can see blasts continuously passing by her body, not one of them coming close to touching her. The Spaceballs really are lousy shots.
  • "'Out of Order'?! FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!!"
  • The entire "beaming" sequence.
    Skroob: Why didn't someone tell me my ass was so big!?
    • After the accident is reversed, Skroob insists that he's just going to walk over. It then turns out they literally beamed him in from the next room over.
  • "Raspberry... there's only one man who would DARE give me the raspberry..."
    • LONE STARR! *bonk*
    • The way Colonel Sandurz blatantly sees the camera approach and backs off...
      • Even better is that Helmet actually lightly pushes Sandurz to warn him of the closeup.
  • The gang trying to escape Spaceball City. One of the stocktroopers shoots at the handle of Eagle 5's side door.
    Vespa: Open the door!
    Barf: I can't, it's fused!
    Vespa: [trying to open the cockpit door] What about this one?
    Barf: It's locked!
    Barf: Inside!
    Vespa: OH GREAT!
  • None of the characters ever point it out, but the stuff in the back of the Winnebago includes a large gray fire hydrant labeled "MAWG'S ROOM".
  • When Lone Starr tries to knock out a Spaceball guard.
    Guard: What the hell are you doing?
    Lone Starr: [in a dubious voice] The Vulcan Neck Pinch?
    Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. Down lower, where the shoulder meets the neck.
    Lone Starr: Like this? [correctly performs the move]
    Guard: Yeah! [collapses]
  • "I see your Schwartz is as big as mine."
    They both look down
    • "Let's see if you know how to handle it."
  • The sequence where Dark Helmet embarrasses himself and everyone else is too terrified to contradict him:
    Dark Helmet: What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen?!
    Colonel Sandurz: No sir, we call it "Mr. Coffee". Care for some?
    Dark Helmet: [pause for thought] Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar, you know that!
    Colonel Sandurz: Of course, I do, sir.
    Dark Helmet: Everyone knows that!
    The Crew: [covering their genitalia due to an earlier guy who got zapped] OF COURSE WE DO, SIR!
    Dark Helmet: Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
    Colonel Sandurz: Right here, sir.
    [then a final visual gag as the radar machine is right next to the coffee machine, looks pretty much the same, and is titled "Mr. Radar"]
    • And in a later scene, where they look for the Spaceballs movie to find the heroes — the video tape display is labeled "Mr. Rental".
  • "Funny. She doesn't look Druish".
  • Dot Matrix' "Virgin Alarm" activating just as Lone Star and Vespa almost kiss. (To Lone Star) "It's programmed to go off before you do!"
    • "Back to bed, missy! And as for YOU, sex fiend..."
  • In Spaceball City when Barf and Lone Star are Dressing as the Enemy they find the guards (whose uniforms they stole) in the hallway in their underwear.
    Guard 1: [pointing angrily] HEY!!! THOSE ARE THE GUYS WHO STOLE OUR UNIFORMS!!
    Guard 2: [cowering meekly] And beat the shit out of us too!! [both then run as Lonestar fires on them]
    • The way Barf stole their uniforms is priceless too—he just waltzes around the corner, extends his middle finger, and makes kissing noises at them, provoking them into a fight which he and Lone star handily won.
  • Dark Helmet slurping coffee with his mask down.
    • Also him sipping too-hot coffee, which triggers a Spit Take so violent that his visor drops down with a clump. Cue him stammering "too hot" in his helmet-echoing Vader voice.
  • Dark Helmet's entrance. It starts out as something akin to a homage to Darth Vader, with Helmet walking past the terrified technicians, with cuts to their freak'd out faces. Through it all, we hear the heavy sound of him breathing. Once Helmet gets close enough to the camera, his breath becomes raspy, and he flips up his scary visor, showing Rick Moranis' face. Mood Whiplash at its finest.
    Dark Helmet: I can't breathe in this thing!
  • "To join... Princess Vespa and Prince Valium, in the bonds of holy- MOLY!!"
    • That priest ranks alongside the one in The Princess Bride as one of the funniest clergymen in film, especially when he decides to Skip to the End just so he can be done with it.
      "I'm sick of this! I don't give a damn who it is, but I am going to marry somebody today!!"
    • Followed by:
      Priest: Who are you?
      Barf: I'm the best man.
      Priest: What's your name?
      Barf: Barf.
      Priest: Your full name.
      Barf: Barfolomew.
      Priest: You're the one who's getting married?
      Barf: No.
      Priest: Then GET OVER THERE!!
  • This dialogue:
    Vespa: I'm gonna tell him off, once and for all.
    Dot Matrix: Wait a minute. We need him to get us out of here.
    Lone Starr: Call me an idiot? I'm going back there and explain a few thing to her...
    Dot: Besides, he's gotta sexy voice. He might be cute.
    Barf: Wait a minute, you haven't even seen what she looks like.
    Lone Starr: I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess you've seen them all.
    Vespa: Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike: fat, ugly...
    Lone Starr: Bucktoothed, knock-kneed...
    Vespa: pigs!
    Lone Starr: space dogs!
    Barf: Yeah well normally I... [tries to get up but still had his seat belt on] Ooh! That's gonna leave a mark.
    Vespa: Now listen you... [she's struck by his looks, then shakes it off]
    Lone Starr: [similarly look-struck] You listen! On this ship, you refer to me as "idiot", not "you captain"! ... I mean... you know what I mean!
  • When the Mega Maid's self destruct is activated:
    Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz, ya gotta help me. I don't what to do, I can't make decisions, I'm a president!
  • The abandon ship sequence is hilarious in visual humor. Not only are the soldiers and officers running about, but we also get these shots of circus performers mixed in the crowd. And through it all, the Spaceballs Bragging Theme Tune is playing about how cool and mighty the Spaceballs are, while the Spaceballs themselves are panicking like they're headless chickens.
  • "I'm the Bearded Lady! What are you, one of the freaks?!"
  • "Whaddaya know, she's a bass!"
  • Ever notice the THUD Lone Starr's head makes when he passes out in the desert?
  • Special mention goes to actor George Wyner for parodying Captain/Admiral Piett's anxiety towards how his lord punishes his men! When Lord Helmet does his version of the force choke, there's a particular focus on Colonel Sandurz staring away from the punishment that's taking place. That wince on his face as the subordinate groans in pain.... Is he reliving his own experience or is it just he has been a witness to countless punishments done on others? Is he dreading it or secretly longing for it? Each time you get to watch his look you get a different hilarious interpretation!
  • Barf's ears pretty much make all of John Candy's dialog even more hilarious. Especially right after Vespa's Berserk Button moment over her hair.
  • "The ship's too big. If I walk, the movie will be over."
  • Lone Starr, Dot, and Vespa trekking through the desert while gasping for water, oil, and room service respectively. Barf couldn't beg for anything because of his tongue hanging out from the heat.
    • When the Dinks deliver water to Lone Starr, Barf, and Vespa, they also conveniently pull out an oil can for replenishing Dot.
  • Right before Spaceball One/Mega Maid explodes with Dark Helmet, President Skroob, and Colonel Sandurz still inside:
    Countdown Voice: This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds. Counting down. Ten...nine...eight...six...
    Skroob: Six? What happened to seven!?
    Countdown Voice: Just kidding! (Prompting angry growls and expressions) a nice day.
    Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz: Thank you.
    [ship explodes]
  • Dark Helmet accidentally kills the soundman.
    Helmet: Uh... [points at Lone Starr] he did it!
    Lone Starr: WHAT??
    [they resume their fight]
    • What adds to the hilarity is that when Helmet says this, his real voice is heard even with the mask down.
  • Soon afterwards, Dark Helmet and Lone Starr's Schwartz swords end up trapping the both of them in an awkward fashion.
    [Helmet and Starr strike at each other with their swords, only for the two blades to wrap around each other. The dramatic battle music cuts off, and the pair look up at the entangled swords]
    Helmet: Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted! Okay, maybe if I...put my leg...up on yours, you know, we could split apart like...
    [Helmet puts his foot on Starr's leg]
    Helmet: Good, yeah.
    Lone Starr: Right.
    Helmet: On three. One, two, three, go!
    [They pull apart, each running into the wall behind them before drawing their Schwartz swords again and continuing the duel]
  • At one point in their duel, Lone Starr tries to strike at Dark Helmet's head, but his Schwartz sword keeps getting blocked by Helmet's helmet. After the third attempt, Helmet raises his mask so he can laugh and Lone Starr socks him. Helmet then tries to cut at Lone Starr, only to be held back At Arm's Length, flailing ineffectually, until Lone Starr lets go and Helmet runs headfirst into a wall. Then Helmet holds his head with a whiny moan.
    Dark Helmet: So Lone Starr, Yogurt has taught you well.
  • "Oh shit. There goes the planet."note 
  • President Skroob in the urinal, only to have the wall turn out to be a Video Phone. His Number Two then fools him into exposing himself with the Strange Salute. Then she gives us a smirk.
  • The completely random Take That! towards Disney in the form of this universe's Jawas.
  • The riff on Leia's iconic double hairbuns.
  • "You know something, princess? You are ugly when you're angry."
  • The whole MOICHANDIZING scene, where Mel Brooks goes barreling through the Fourth Wall like it was tissue paper, hawking various movie-related products, to include t-shirts, lunchboxes, and of course, SPACE BALLS: THE FLAMETHROWA! (the kids love this one.)
    • Appropriately, the Flamethrower is prominently labeled "A Children's Toy".
    • Further, the comic book and lunchbox are both pretty clearly Transformers merch. The comic book even has Optimus Prime featured front and center.
    • And from this point until the end of the movie are scattered products with the words "SPACEBALLS: THE ______" in every other scene (the toilet paper, the place mat, the bed sheets, etc.).
    • It gets better when you remember why the merchandising seems ubiquitous: when Mel Brooks spoke with George Lucas about this, Lucas had no problem, and only put one condition: no merchandising could be commercialized. Nothing about making it and show it in the film!
  • "God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money."
  • The spoof of the opening shot of the Imperial Star Destroyer in A New Hope, with the Spaceball One taking 90 seconds to pass in from of the camera.
  • The final wedding at the end. The Minister fully intends on marrying somebody, as quoted in the Page Quote for Why Waste a Wedding?.
    Minister: Okay! Here we go, the short, SHORT version! Do you?
    Lone Starr: Yes!
    Minister: Do you?
    Princess Vespa: Yes!
    Minister: Good! You're married! Kiss her!
  • President Skroob celebrates "Ten thousand years of fresh air." Dark Helmet's response?
    Dark Helmet: The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.