Because giant armoured killing machines need some moments of levity, too.
Rynn's World
- The Arch-Arsonist of Charadon (the Ork warlord attacking the planet) continually broadcasts his speeches of triumph and terror to the populace...failing to realize that his intended audience doesn't speak Orkish.
- Following a murderous duel with an Ork giant, Kantor wants Cortez to quit the fight and recuperate. Cortez refuses, and following exchange occurs:Kantor: For Throne's sake, Alessio, you've lost a hand!
Cortez: I didn't lose my hand. It's right there! [points at the ripped-off hand on the ground beside him]
Helsreach
- After Grimaldus gives a Rousing Speech at the start of Helsreach, people keep on asking him to give them another one. He always refuses.
- Andrej, the Born Lucky stormtrooper. When about to be faced with an Ork mob, he invites his squadmates to his marriage. When asked who's his would-be wife, he says she's easy to recognize, as she's the "most beautiful woman. You can't miss her!". And at the end, when chatting with Grimaldus...Andrej: Of course, you weren't the only one to be rescued from the rubble. But I promise, the six of us will stay quiet, so that we won't steal your thunder.
- Made even funnier in the short story Blood and Fire, where Andrej shows up alive again, after Grimaldus has already carved his name into a massive memorial to the dead of the battle of Mannheim Gap. He demands Grimaldus cross his name out, and also that he tell the Munitorum he isn't dead so he can collect his wages again. Grimaldus's protege Cyneric finds the whole thing hilarious.Andrej: Must I sing a song or perform a dance in this museum here to convince you I am not dead.Grimaldus: Please do not do either of those things.
- Even earlier, when Andrej was given command of a squad of dockworkers who were handed weapons and pressed into an impromptu militia unit. The men ask Andrej if he'd do something like give a speech.Andrej: Um, no. I do not think so. I believe Grimaldus is going to give a speech. You will like it! He is very good at these things.
- Grimaldus is so socially inept, it can be idiotically funny at times, such as his Literal-Minded attitude to the above comment of Andrej's, or taking seriously his vow to tell the man's commander about a rescue he had performed so that the man could impress his girlfriend.
- Jenisas, having "blasphemed" against the Omnissiah by taking the Ordinatus
Armageddon (giant overpowered cannon of "Fuck Everything In That General Direction") out of its resting spot without using the proper rites, encounters a bunch of Imperial Titans exiting the titular city of Helsreach, which he was bringing it to in order to aid the defenders. Being devout followers of the Machine God they're furious with him and as we cut away from the scene, they prepare to destroy him for his blasphemy...cue Gilligan Cut and the Titans escorting Jenisas into the city they'd just left. - Before the battle of Helsreach proper, Grimaldus' first action is to go through list upon list of all the logistical preparations and the resulting bureaucratic squabbling that has to be taken into consideration for the upcoming battle and siege. It takes over a week to go through it all, with two whole days taken up just by listing every one of the millions of Imperial Guard soldiers on duty. By the end of it all, the tough-as-nails veteran Astartes sounds like he's about to break from frustration due to the inanity and tedium.Grimaldus: And I endure this for nine days. Nine. Days.
Hunt for Voldorius
The Purging of Kadillus
When Naaman cuts off an Ork’s arm, the Ork fails to notice until it tries to punch him with the missing arm, at which point it stops to stare incredulously at its bloody stump.
Fall of Damnos
Battle of the Fang
The Gildar Rift
Legion of the Damned
Architect of Fate
Wrath of Iron
The Siege of Castellax
- A first hand account of an Ork's poor aiming. The Ork misses every shot, then throws his gun and a boot when he runs out of ammo. Both of which miss of course.
- It takes a second for an Ork whose been shot in the head to realize it. Pausing to notice he should be dead and hitting the ground.
- Earlier in the book as Uzraal, Rhodaan and a bunch of human auxiliaries/slaves are on their way to the warzone. The former starts giving the later an Iron Warrior equivalent of a "peptalk" (i.e. calling them all maggots and ask why he shouldn't boot them from the ship right now) or rather would have if he actually got to finish the speech. Rhodaan punches him before he has the chance and orders him to focus on the upcoming fight.
- Gets a Call-Back a few pages later when said fight arrives. The after mentioned slaves tries to run for cover and Uzraal in a fit of rage does throw one of them off the ship. This earns him an angry glance from Rhodaan and he tries too brush it off by claiming it was an accident and he simply threw the guy with "A bit too much force".
- Following a raid on a fuel depot, squad Kyrith finds themselves in desperate need of extraction and Rhodaan hatches an in theory clever plan: Steal an orc aircraft. There is just one little hurdle."Be attentive for anything that looks like a pilot," Rhodaan said. "Whoever finds one better have a strong omophagea."note
There was a chorus of disgusted groans across the vox-channel
Rhodaan smashed his way through an axe-wielding ork, then brought his chainsword down, slashing the arm off another charging alien. "Content yourselves, brothers," he said. "An ork’s brain isn’t a big meal" - Rhodann did come to regret said plan though when he actually got into the aircraft (with Gomorie having drawn the short straw). To put it simply: the Emperor might have declared that his Space Marines "shall know no fear!", but he was most likely never a passenger on an orc aircraft where the original pilot had deliberately disabled the breaks!"Slow this obscenity down!" Rhodaan roared.
Gomorie brought his foot smashing down on the other pedal, but it simply flopped limply against the floor. He turned and looked at Rhodaan. "That should have been the brake," he reported. "It seems the pilot took it upon itself to disable it. The ork didn’t want to appear timid to its fellows," he elaborated as some of the alien’s memories stirred in his mind.
Rhodaan felt his hearts hammer in his breast. "How do we land without brakes?" he demanded.
Again, Gomorie focused upon the mental images from the ork’s brain. "We crash," was his far from encouraging response.
Death of Integrity
Malodrax
- All of Givenar and Antinas' banter, Like an Old Married Couple.
- Lysander pondering his part in the theatre play that Shalhadar is putting up. He's especially happy that his character has very few lines, as he's never been a born actor.
- Lysander appears to be a firm follower of "When All You Have Is a Hammer…" method of dealing with obstacles:Lycaon: What do you know of Shalhadar?
Lysander: Lord of this city, absolute tyrant of his people. Disloyal thoughts are a crime.
Lycaon: Do you know how to kill him?
Lysander: Cut him into pieces and burn them.
Lycaon: Is that what the people of Malodrax say?
Lysander: No, but that works on everything.
Pandorax
The Teeth-Clenched Teamwork between Azrael and Kaldor Draigo as neither can stand the other (Azrael even refuses to refer to the "Supreme Grand Master" by his full title, something which annoys Draigo to no end). It says something that the most stable alliance in the book is between Abaddon and Huron Blackheart.
The World Engine
- Consulting a techmarine doesn’t always yield useful results.Captain: What would be the best way to kill [Necrons]?
Techmarine: Sufficient physical damage.
[Beat as others stare incredulously]
Captain: They take your sense of humour away on Mars? - The easy banter between Kodoulos and the rest of the Chapter, even as they're dying in droves. Kodoulos would've been the king of their homeworld if he wasn't drafted into Astral Knights, and the rest don't let him forget about it.Captain: Good luck, prince.
Kodoulos: Thanks, peasant.
Captain: The prince lives! Peasants rejoice!
Short Stories
In Mortarion's Heart: There's something funny about the way Mortarion gets exasperated by his own titles, before he "fights" Kaldor. And again a second time he shuts Kaldor Draigo up for referring to his new titles, as the newly promoted 'Supreme Grand Master’.
