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Sonic: This is bullshit! Stupid break-dancers! Get out of the way!
- Sonic needs rent money, so Tails gets him a job, as a Paperboy.
Sonic: Ha ha! Sonic wins! (cops arrive) Oh, shit! (speeds off).
- Sonic has enough and steals a TV.
- Punch Drunk
Sonic:(being beaten senseless) WHY! ISN'T! ANYONE! STOPPING! THIS!?
- Sonic getting utterly destroyed by Mike Tyson.
- Toe Jam & Earl
Sonic: Wait, wait, wait. No, you got me that job capturing humans with Toe Jam and Earl. Guys, guys, back me up here!Tails: Yeah, garbage bag and busted chair, do you have anything to add? (silence) No? Huh.
- Sonic trapping humans in jars with the titular duo is quickly revealed to be a fantasy of his after he dropped acid four days ago.
Eggman: Turns out the name "Dr. Eggman" doesn't exactly demand respect, so... it's just me here now. Hanging out. In my undies.
- Robotnik explaining that his Badniks abandoned him when he changed his name to "Eggman".
Eggman: Alright, okay, whatever, time to pay up. Just let me get 'em out of my uh... FUCK YOU, STINKBAAAALLLLL! *Runs away laughing*Sonic: You son of a bitch! This. Ain't. Over.
- The fact he runs around in underwear for the ENTIRE SERIES is funny and messed up at the same time.
- Eggman ditching Sonic after the former unclogs his toilet.
Eggman: I'm a podiatrist.
- What exactly is Eggman a doctor of?
- Street Fighter
Tails: WHAT?! I just got that thing detailed! Agh-(runs off) Goddamnit!Sonic: Tails, dontleaveme-aw,shit.Eggman: (snickers) It was me. What a schmuck!
- Eggman greeting Sonic and Tails by calling them "Chronic and Fails".
- How does Eggman distract Tails from the fight? By telling him that someone keyed "Peckerface" on the Tornado.
- Earthworm Jim
Sonic: Just go outside and have sex with yourself already, Jamie Lee Curtis!Jim: What?Sonic: Supposedly, she was born a hermaphrodite.Jim: Oh. I uh, I didn't know that.Sonic: Yeah, it's one of those urban legend-type deals, y'know, uh, I keep meaning to check it on Snopes, but uh, it's... not that high on my priority list. I think she sells diarrhea yogurt right now.
- When Jim reminds Sonic not to take his suit, this conversation ensues:
Sonic: I can already do this shit completely naked with white gloves on!
- It's a small detail, but when Jim heads out, his suit waves goodbye.
- Sonic's reaction to what the suit can do: jump. Just jump.
Jim: Ah, shit.
- The ending, where Jim comes inside to find his suit and TV gone, and Bob the Killer Goldfish dead.
- Burger Time
Knuckles: Fryin' and buyin'!
- The fact that Knuckles owns a branch of the eponymous burger joint, with the only other apparent thing he owns being his moped.
- Knuckles' catchphrase:
Tails: Why are you so happy?Sonic: Oh, no reason. Hey, I got an idea! Let's watch the surveillance footage of me making Eggman's food. (plays footage of himself from earlier, making burgers) And.... freeze it! (pauses the footage, zooms in on himself adding "special sauce" on one of the burgers) Looks like Eggman ordered the special sauce!Tails: (laughs) Oh, man, that is AWESOME! (beat) Hey, isn't this Earthworm Jim's TV?Sonic: Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, I'm a dick.
- The ending shows that Sonic got revenge on Eggman by adding "special sauce" in his burgers. He even shows security footage of the incident to Tails:
- Oregon Trail
Sonic: No way! We're making good time. And stick a cork in that brat! I don't want him shitting all over the wagon.
- The man driving the wagon, Hezekiah, telling Sonic that his son has to go to the bathroom.
Text Box: HEZEKIAH STRIKES ELIZA. ELIZA HAS A BROKEN ARM.Hezekiah: Hey, watch it now, text box! I got 5 bullets left! Better get that story straight!Text Box: (the original text is hastily erased) ELIZA IS SO CLUMSY. SHE FELL DOWN SOME STAIRS.Hezekiah: Now that's more like it.
- When the argument with his wife, Eliza, becomes physical, Hezekiah alters the game to hide the fact that he practically injured his wife.
Sonic: What uh, whatcha smokin' there, Kemosabe?
- When Sonic meets the Native American chief, "Chief Wahoo", to ask him for food for the wagon family, he becomes intrigued as to the contents of the pipe that the chief is holding.
Sonic: (stoned out of his mind) Whoops! Oh, well, more wagon tongues for me. Hey, Tonto! Let's watch season 4 of The Wire!
- And of course, the ending. Where Sonic arrives back at the wagon, completely high, after watching a pair of buffalo have sex for 6 hours... only for the text box to inform him that the entire family has died.
Sonic: Tails said you were the brainy type, but I was expecting more of the sexy librarian than the... giant pulsating brain monster.Mother Brain: Hey! Pulsating brain monsters can be sexy too! (hacking cough)
- The basic premise of this episode alone is hilarity. Sonic basically becomes an escort. To Mother Brain.
Mother Brain: Well, at least say goodbye to our kids before you leave.Sonic: What the hell are you even talkin' about? Kids?! We just had sex a couple of hours ago!Mother Brain: What do you expect? I'm a mutant brain monster, I pop out kids like a goddamn gumball machine.Soniqua: Daddy? *Vomits on Sonic*Sonic: Fuck.
- Sonic and Mother Brain eventually conceive an abomination of a child, Soniqua, within hours of having sex.
Kirby: Here comes another motherfucker!Parasol Waddle Dee: Another GLORIOUS day in Ice Cream- (inhaled).Sonic: Kirby, THESE are the bad guys?! I think that last guy was gonna give us money and a sandwich.Kirby: (not listening, beating a Noddy to death with a parasol) This umbrella works wonders for murdering!
- Sonic's first meeting with Kirby comes off as more than a little unnerving.
Sonic: (after an emotional episode) Kirby, you are a sick fuck!Kirby: Would it make ya feel better if I told ya they were actually robots with no feelings or emotions?Sonic: (hopefully) F'real?Kirby: Nope! They're real. See ya later, murderer!
- Sonic trying to leave by using the same "I'm gay" excuse he used in the last episode. Not only does Kirby see through the act right away, but he also makes Sonic murder an innocent enemy that happens to be an old friend of his, under the threat of inhaling him and stealing his powers.
Jim: You used my suit as a diaper?!Mother Brain: We were out of tinfoil.
- The entirety of the "special sauce" argument in the beginning of the episode, where Eggman thinks said "sauce" was just meant to raise his blood pressure, and spits it out to claim a somewhat victory, leaving Sonic at a loss for words.
- When Jim confronts Sonic about his suit, Sonic says that he wanted to wash it before giving it back. Jim is greatly concerned about this, since the suit happens to be dry-clean only.
- When everyone heads off to get the suit back, Eggman's latest mech fails to start, Eggman thinking that he's flooded the thing.
- What Sonic used Jim's suit for: Soniqua's diaper.
Mother Brain: You're late on the child support.Sonic: WAIT UP, GUYS!
- The last seconds of the episode, where Sonic chews out Jim and Eggman for harassing his "family". Until...
- Golden Axe
Tyris: Thank you, brave warrior. Now, let's... do it on the battlefield!Sonic: Wha? You're into this, too? I don't know. This is just a little bit much for me.Thunderhead: We'll pay you triple.Sonic: (deadpan) I'm in, pervertsTyris: Excellent! Let's heat things up!(Sonic is then roasted by a dragon's fire breath)Thunderhead: (aroused) Yeahehehheaaahh, nowgrabhertits.
- This being Thunderhead's debut episode, the laughs basically write themselves.
- "Don't worry about the chumps! Just focus on the humps!"
- When Thunderhead reveals that Sonic's job is making love to Tyris while he masturbates, Sonic logically questions why Tails is trying to whore him out.
- With the enemies dead, Tyris comes to give Sonic his "pay".
- Kid Icarus
Pit: Look, I apologize if I snapped at you, but this is kind of a serious situation.Sonic: I understand that, dick! I just need a minute! Ugh! Again with the attitude!Eggplant Wizard: Now you see why I throw shit at him!Pit: Just get me a FUCKING NURSE, ASSHOLE!
- According to Pit, the sensation of being transformed into an eggplant is highly reminiscent of "being jammed up inside your own asshole."
- Poor Sonic is just trying to catch his breath after running all the way to the Eggplant Wizard's location, and Pit keeps urging him to get him a nurse.
Sonic: (muffled) Oh, MOTHERfucker!
- Sonic ultimately tricks Pit into falling to his doom. And is turned into an eggplant himself.
- Excite Bike
Eggplant!Sonic: (muffled) Mr. Wilkins? Is that you? Oh, I knew you could talk!Tails: Genius! It's me, Tails.
- When Tails, fresh out of both his coma and the hospital, wheels his way into Sonic's apartment, Sonic gets the wrong idea of just who is talking to him:
- "Time to grab the world by its balls and jam my thumb up its prostate!" -Sonic's first words upon being turned back to normal.
- Tails getting tortured thanks to Sonic leaving the hospital TV set on a Golden Girls marathon.
- Dig Dug
Sonic: Don't worry, friendly monsters! That horrible man can't harm you anymore! You're free to live your lives! (the monsters cheer) I AM AWESOME! (speeds off)Fygar: Now we can go rape that village! Weee!Pooka: Hooray! Monster rape!
- After learning Dig Dug's life's work is killing seemingly innocent creatures, Sonic claims that he should introduce him to Kirby, as they are both psychopaths.
- There's a Running Gag of Dig Dug not seeming to have any idea who Sonic is. After Sonic questions his work and calls him Adolf, he blows up.Dig Dug: What have you ever done that's so important?! A couple decent games like 20 years ago and then a shitload of shitty shit since then?!
Sonic: AH-HA! So, you do know who I am!
- There's a Running Gag of Dig Dug not seeming to have any idea who Sonic is. After Sonic questions his work and calls him Adolf, he blows up.
- After killing Dig Dug, Sonic says that the monsters in the dirt can be free to live their lives. Though the monsters may have not been as innocent as they appear.
- After learning Dig Dug's life's work is killing seemingly innocent creatures, Sonic claims that he should introduce him to Kirby, as they are both psychopaths.
Pac Man: This is my game, asshole! Ya see that name up there?! (cut to the Pac Man logo on the outside of the maze)Sonic: I'm not a strong reader.Pac Man: It says, this is my turf! So BACK OFF before I straight up chomp yo ass!Sonic: Whatever, pixel dick! Your pellets taste like dog shit, anyway!
- Pac-Man brashly refuses Sonic offering his services.
Sonic: Iiiiiiiii don't know. Iiiiii...... banged 3 ghosts at one time before, but 4, might be a little much.Blinky: That's, uh, not what were talking about.
- When the ghosts ask Sonic if he still needs a job:
Ghost!Sonic: What the fuck am I going to do with this thing, now?
- After Sonic becomes a ghost and murders Pac Man, the ghosts abandon him, leaving himself not knowing what to do with his freshly murdered body.
- Before the Ghosts even leave, Sonic at first thinks they're joking, then bluntly demands that they turn him back to normal, mentioning that he was already an eggplant for 6 months.
Sonic: You ever worry if some demented orderly will take advantage of you through the uh... "crap gap"?Tails: Well I do now, dick!
- The first seconds of this episode has Sonic, fresh from being turned back to normal again, visiting Tails in the hospital, questioning the fox on how he manages to take a dump in his body cast. Tails answers that the doctors "cut a hole."
Tails: Yeah, alright! I actually like Little House!Announcer: On Telemundo!Tails: Goddammit.
- Tails once again being left to the mercy of the hospital TV, this time being shown 48 straight hours of Little House on the Prairie.
Balloon: (cheerfully) Go fuck yourself!
- The balloon's one line:
Soniqua: Soniqua want ice cream!Sonic: (bitterly) Of course, you do.
- Soniqua (who Sonic had taken on the job for Take Your Daughter to Work Day, so she would die and Sonic would no longer have to pay child support) vomits leftover bombs onto Bomberman, blowing him up.
- Mortal Kombat
Sonic: I really want this nightmare monster from another dimension to have a smile on his face while he's ripping my arms off!Sub-Zero: Oh, that- that's perfect! Give a big scream, too. He loves it. Cracks him up! (leaves)Sonic: I was being sarcas-uhh.
- Why exactly is Sonic facing Goro in the ring? Turns out that Goro is the "special needs kid" that Sonic has been hired to help out.
- Not to mention how he waxes sarcastically on how he really wants him to have a great time:
Shang Tsung: Just fight, you pussy!
- Sonic calling Shang Tsung "David Lopan", asking him if he's collected enough souls at this point, comparing him to a stamp collector, and if watching people beat each other to death is the only way he's entertained, advising him to live life. Shang Tsung's response?
Sonic: Soniqua want ice cream?Soniqua: Soniqua want man flesh! (begins tearing away at Goro's corpse.)Sonic: Holy. Shit.
- After Soniqua saves Sonic's life by killing Goro, Sonic finally takes her up to get her some ice cream.
- Ice Hockey
Hockey Player: I am enjoying-a many blue jeans.Sonic: I... don't know how to respond to that.Hockey Player: I would like very much to having the sex with American prostitute.Sonic: I... actually think I can help you with that one-(gets tackled)
- When Tails first finds Sonic in jail, he accuses him of murdering Soniqua. Sonic turns down the accusation on the grounds that the police "don't put you in jail for that nowadays."
- One of the reasons Sonic hated playing with the hockey team is that the players don't speak English very good.
Sonic: (murdering all the other players with a Zamboni) GET A TASTE OF THE ZAMBONI PONY!
- And of course, the real reason Sonic ended up in jail: a hockey brawl that got out of hand.
Sonic: (matter-of-factly) Yeah, I'm gonna stop you there. That's not really a threat to me at all.Tails: (in the same tone) Mmmm... yeah, no, he's right. He could give a shit if I'll ever die.
- Mario threatening to kill Tails if Sonic fucks up on his jobs. Sonic is not fazed.
Sonic: Nice hat, stupid.
- Sonic checking out Toad's picture:
Mario: That guy, he's an asshole.Tails: Yeah. I know.
- Mario and Tails share the same opinion of Sonic:
Sonic: Here! Just fucking take the key! You're creepin' me out!
- While it's not connected to anything else in the episode, the sight of Sonic being chased by a Phanto is quite amusing.
- Angry Birds
Sonic: Whatever, I'm a busy guy! I can't be constantly checking for penises all the time! So what's my next job?Mario: Alright, your next job is—wh-wait a second—who's too busy to check for a penis?Sonic: *points to himself*: This guy! I got places to go, and penises not to check!
- Sonic not really caring about Birdo's gender after face-sexing it in the last episode.
Mario: That's not my name.
- Continuing from the last episode, Sonic keeps coming up with nicknames for Mario, first by calling him "Meatball", and then "Mario Batali".
Sonic: I'm a huge fan! I love any game that extends my time on the shitter by 10 hours.
- Sonic dishing out a pretty good Take That! to the Angry Birds:
Sonic: Alright! Time to fry up some bacon and eggs! (speeds off, but returns shortly, picks up Matilda's corpse) Hmm. I think I'm gonna throw some chicken in there, too! Make myself a kickass omelette! (speeds off for real)
- Sonic killing the Angry Birds by tricking them into eating gum made from rice and Alka-Seltzer.
- Double Dragon
Sonic: Wait-wait. Do you mean "the brothers", or "Tha BRUTHAS"?Mario: (sigh) The queer-lookin' white guys who aren't related. Why is everything such a fuckin' ordeal with you?
- Sonic has a bit of an issue with pronunciation when Mario tells him to kill the Double Dragon brothers.
Sonic: What the fuck. I should've just brought Soniqua. (to woman holding a whip) You like Indian food? 'Cause I wanna dip my nahn in your tahiti.Whip Woman: Indian food gives me the shits.Sonic: Ha ha. Gross!
- Sonic's nickname for Mario this episode is A.C. Slater, a reference to Mario Lopez.
- When Eggman and Jim, who were to be Sonic's backup for fighting the Lee brothers, are beaten senseless after finally settling an argument about lunch:
- At the very end of the episode, Sonic tells the viewer that before they leave any comments, he gave Earthworm Jim his suit back for the fight.
Mario: What the fuck is-a Bubble Bobble? I didn't even tell you to DO that!
- This episode is always good for an unbroken stream of laughter.
- First, when Sonic tells Mario that he knows he fucked up the Double Dragon fiasco, he mentions that he did murder two innocent Bubs from Bubble Bobble, even showing one of the corpses to him.
Sonic: Are... you doing anything later? 'Cause I'm gonna need someone to sign for it. (Mario facepalms)
- Then, when Mario gives Sonic one more chance instead of killing him right there, Sonic is pacified. Not because he's not dying, but because he ordered tons of stuff off Amazon and sent it to Mario's office.
Frogger: You're fucked.
- To accommodate Mario having the voice of Marlon Brando, Luigi has the voice of Eddie Murphy.
- When Sonic gives Luigi the usual nickname (Luigi Ferrigno), Mario is left bummed after not getting one this week. He tries to make one up for himself, only to admit that it's harder than it seems.
- Luigi, after licking Frogger and tripping balls, mentions that he loves his brother, even though he's "a spotlight hoggin' fame whore and everythin'!"
- Frogger's only line, which perfectly sums up Sonic's situation after he witnesses Luigi getting mowed down by a bus:
- Donkey Kong Country
Sonic: Oh, yeah! Everything went great! And Luigi definitely didn't get murdered by a truck. Right, Luigi?Tails: (As Luigi) Oh, yeah! Everything went as smooth as Mama's...pizza-raviola-natini.Mario: (wistfully) Oh, I miss her ravioli-niti. And her pasta-getti-tolis.
- Mario asks how the Frogger job went. He thinks it went off without a hitch... despite the fact that Sonic and Tails are holding Luigi's shades-wearing, bruised and battered corpse right in front of him.
Candy Kong: No boom boom? No boom boom.Sonic: Oh-ho-ho. Fine. I'm serious about the paper bag, though.
- When Mario asks about his obligatory nickname, the best Sonic can come up with is Mario Andretti. Both characters agree that the joke has run its course.
- Sonic runs into Candy Kong, who is guarding TNT Barrels that Sonic needs for Mario. Candy offers to give them the barrels for sex. Tails wants Sonic to just plow the ape, but Sonic, learning from his experiences with Mother Brain, refuses to make love to "Donkey Kong in a bikini."
Sonic: Yeeahhh. Still not worth it.
- When Candy wants sex for saving Sonic's life from Mario, he pushes her into the same pit she shoves Mario in.
Mario: Dun dun duuuuuuunnnnnnn... Mario'sstillalive.
- Mario climbing out of the pit at the end of the episode.
- The Battle: Part 01
Sonic: What's the worst that could happen? Someone tweets a bunch of nasty shit about me?Tails: (tweeting on his phone) Oh yeah, don't know who's been doing that.
- While Tails is worried that he and Sonic should be hiding somewhere, Sonic is preoccupied with picking baby spinach out of a bowl, lamenting how quickly it goes bad. When Tails tries to divert his attention away from the bowl, he too is distracted by baby spinach's shelf life.
- Sonic is still not concerned with a potential mob hit, citing that mafia revenge is "so 1970's".
Mario: Time to die, Sonic!Sonic: POSTER!!! Now you've crossed the line, you mustached asshole!Tails: Oh, you're fine with him killing me earlier, but the poster is where he's crossed the line?!Sonic: Yeah. I value the poster more than your life. I tell you this all the time.Tails: I hate you. I'm glad you're gonna die.Mario: HEY! Can we get with the murderin' now?Sonic: Fuck.
- Then, when Sonic correctly assumes that Mario is still alive and is rounding up an army of goons and other characters who hate Sonic, will soon burst through the door and turn him into "baby spinach", nothing happens. Sonic takes pride in the fact that he's right and sits back to watch his poster... until Mario and his goons burst through the wall.
Sonic: Alright, I know this episode was short, but I might die next week! Doesn't that mean anything to you guys?! Jerks!
- At the end of the episode, Sonic talks to the viewers again.
- The Battle: Part 02
Sonic: I thought you liked that show!Tails: Yeah, that was... me. I-I like that show.Sonic: That show is terrible and so are you.
- A narrator recaps the previous episode, mentioning that Sonic's life was in danger because he almost ate wilted baby spinach... and that Mario wants to kill him.
- Sonic asks Mario if they can just talk instead of murdering each other. Mario refuses on the grounds that Sonic ruined his business, let his brother get flattened by a bus, and managed to set Mario's DVR to record each episode of Bachelor Pad three different times.
Sonic: Guys! Easy on the wall-smashing! I'm gonna lose my deposit!
- When Eggman, Kirby, Thunderhead, and Jim step in to help Sonic, they too crash through his wall. Thankfully, Jim opens the door.
Mario: (patronizingly) Not as fast as you used to be, eh, Sonic?Sonic: Yeah. I was, uh, planning to get back to the gym on Monday. After you kill me.
- Mario patronizing Sonic when the latter ironically suffers a cramp.
Mario: Shing...Sonic: Wha-HO! Since when do you carry a knife?!Mario: What am I supposed to do? Jump on your head? It's a fuckin' knife. I'ma stab you with it.
- Mario pulling out a giant knife, even providing sound effects.
Mario: You son of a bitch! Why is this thing here? These don't occur in nature. Aw, if I had some extra lives, I would use them all to fuck you up so bad! If you see the princess, tell her... tell her I said... (in a defeated whisper) she's a bitch! (dies)
- After Mario is pushed into the spike pit, Sonic recommends that he put Neosporin on the wounds, mentioning that the spikes are filthy.
- Mario's dying words:
Tails: This should be interesting.
- When Tails conclude that Sonic now owns Mario's business, the scene cuts to him in Mario's office. When asked for what his first order of business is, Sonic mentions on having found a replacement for his Dominique Wilkins poster, which was destroyed in the last episode. Said replacement? The REAL Dominique Wilkins, frozen in carbonite.
Tails: Lead poi- what have you been drinking?Sonic: Lead?
- In the 6 months since Sonic became a mob boss, Tails tells Sonic that all he's been doing is getting alcohol poisoning and lounging on the beach. Sonic rebukes the claims by mentioning that he's also gotten food and sun poisoning as well.
- Later, when the two head off to strong-arm a bar, Sonic mentions that he may be suffering from lead poisoning.
Tails: Kirby already started a fire, like, the second we walked in. ''(zoom out to reveal that Tapper is up in flames. Kirby merrily strolls through the chaos, singing to himself)Sonic: Oh. Kirby's a psycho.Tails: Yyyyep.
- Then, when they arrive in Tapper, the Heater tells Sonic to wash mugs. Despite being a crime lord, Sonic immediately goes to work.
- Finally, when Sonic grows bored of serving customers in his new bar, since the Heater gave him the keys, he orders the place to be burned to the ground.
Sonic: Huh. OK. Well, what about some gift certificates or something?Old Man: GET OUT OF MY STORE DIPSHIT!Sonic: Oh-ho! So, you think you're a tough guy, eh? Well, take that! (shoves the Old Man to the ground) And that! (kicks the Old Man)Old Man: I HAVE A SMALL WEINER.Sonic: (reading along with the text) "I have a small weiner..."Old Man: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!Sonic: OH, FUCK YOU!!
- Sonic comes across the Old Man in his cave. The old timer give him the typical "DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE" speech, but Sonic doesn't have any of it. He swipes the sword from him, and starts robbing him. The Old Man tells Sonic that the sword is a.) the only thing he has, b.) free, and c.) of poor craftsmanship.
Link: MARGARITAS!!!Everyone except Tails:: MARGARITAS! MARGARITAS! MARGARITAS! MARGARITAS! ''(the words begin turning into screaming when everyone begins going insane)
- Later, when everyone argues about where to fence the sword, Sonic swings it, causing it to fall apart.
- The suggestions on where to sell the sword a hilarious as well. Eggman suggests a black market, Jim suggests a pawn shop, and Thunderhead suggests, of all places, Ebay.
- In Link's debut appearance, he guides Sonic and his crew to find Princess Peach, so she can tell them about Mario's future plans. However, he ends up taking them to a cave labeled "Margarita Manor".
Tails: Jesus Chri- I'm not gay!Sonic: Not that there's anything wrong with that. (chuckles to himself.) (quietly, to Tails) That's from Seinfeld!
- Tails calling Link "Homo Fett, the gay bounty hunter".
- Link, still leading Sonic and Tails to Peach, thinks that they were shopping for tiaras for a coming-out party for Tails.
Sonic: You're a bitch.
- Sonic deciding to take up Link's manner of speaking after he leaves.
- When Tails finds Peach, he tells Sonic to be tactful, since she may be fragile from being locked up. Sonic's first words to her are on how much she looks like shit.
- When Princess Peach asks what happened to Bowser and Mario, Sonic mentions how Bowser was shot in the face and how Mario was pushed into a spike pit. And also how he wanted Sonic to call the princess a bitch.
- Sonic calls Peach useless, and her Stockholm Syndrome makes her take it as a compliment.
- When Princess Potato is introduced and is talking to Sonic about how she knows Mario, she can be seen grabbing/squeezing Jim and Eggman's asses.
- Casino Zone: Part One
Tails: Alright. That was... surprisingly helpful. Uh... so you know what we gotta do, right?Sonic: Absolutely: Kill Princess Potato.Tails: No! (sighs) Well, maybe, I dunno. Look, we'll talk about it later.
- Princess Potato originally refuses to tell Sonic and Tails about Mario's plans, asking the two if they think she's a stenographer. Tails and Sonic admit that they actually thought she was one, since she appears so beat-up.
- Then, when she mentions that Mario would usually tell her stuff in bed, Sonic stops the explanations before they get TOO specific. Thankfully, she DOES mention that Mario was planning to rob Casino Zone.
Sonic: Yeah, schematics, great. More importantly: Did you just call yourself "Eggmeister"?Eggman: Yeah-heah-heah! You like it? Somethin' new! I'm tryin' it out!Sonic: Eh, I'm not buyin' it. You're more of a "Egg Mc Muffin", or a "Bacon, Egg & Cheese".Eggman: How about "Hard Boiled Egg"?Sonic: Yes! Yes! Those are perfect "Egg-samples"!Tails: Uhhhh! You guys done?Sonic: Wait-wait-wait. I got one more: "Easter Egg Hunter-Gatherer", I dunno. Yeah, we're done!
- When Eggman attempts to get Sonic and Tails' attention about owning Casino Zone, the two pretend to ignore him. When they finally turn to him, they ask him to get the buckets of martinis and 2 dozen Vicodin that Princess Potato asked for.
- Both Sonic and Eggman playfully making egg puns after Eggman refers to himself as the "Eggmeister".
Tails: Uh... wait a minute, guys. He just heard our entire plan to rob Casino Zone.Sonic: (walks up to the Noid and shoots him at point blank range) Problem solved! Now let's do this!
- While Eggman gives the crew ideal jobs for pulling off a heist, like "Muscle", "Tech Wizard", "Sexy Distraction", "Demolitions Expert",, etc. Tails is given the duty of "refreshments", making sure no one gets thirsty.
- The montage accompanying the job listing scene, showing Kirby inhaling innocent woodland animals, Jim tinkering with a VCR, Princess Potato passed out on the couch, Soniqua vomiting more bombs onto the late Bomberman's wife, and Sonic wearing a goofy mustache.
- When the Noid is apparently brought in to manipulate a system of particle accelerators inside the main vault, Eggman remembers that he never bought a security system for the vault in the first place, instead using the money for a slurpee machine, and dismisses the Noid.
- Kirby smiling when Sonic murders the Noid.
- Casino Zone: Part Two
Kirby: Roger that. I just murdered Potato.Earthworm Jim: Shitballs!
- Jim asks Eggman, who is hiding out in the spy van instead of being in the middle of the action, if he should be outside. Eggman refuses, mentioning that security will be suspicious if they see him, then giving a list of excuses, including tweaking his back, tying his shoes, and needing a haircut. The sheer impossibility of at least 2 of these excuses is hilarity.
- The heist itself is a disaster in several scenes:
- Kirby is supposed to murder the guards while Princess Potato seduces the pit boss. Thanks to a miscommunication however, Kirby inhales Potato instead.
Soniqua: AVOBOMBO! (vomits bombs. The van explodes, setting all 3 on fire)
- Then, when Jim contacts Sonic to tell him of the above mentioned setback, Sonic reveals that he was caught 20 minutes ago.
- Finally, Jim tells Soniqua to hold off on the explosives, Eggman points out that she's still in the van.
Sonic: Aw, man, you're gonna do the under the chair balls thing from Casino Royale, aren't you?! My horoscope was right!
- Sonic is worried that Shredder, new owner of Casino Zone, has plans to make him "a lot less of a man":
Sonic: Oh. My. God! That's AWESOME!Shredder: (laughs maniacally) That's RIGHT! Eight grueling shows a week! Each one more- oh, wait, you like this idea?Sonic: I mean, I'd have to take a look at the script first, but uh, yeah.Shredder: Well OK, uh, what are you doing later? We can uh, hang out and talk shop!
- When Shredder asks Sonic if he's seen The Human Centipede, Sonic assumes the worst, though Shredder just tells him how gross it is.
- How exactly does Shredder plan to make Sonic his main attraction? Three words: Sonic. On. Ice.
Tails: Alright! Who's thirsty? I got uh, Purple Stuff, Sunny D, I go-(notices the flaming wreckage of the spy van) huh. Alright. Something tells me this did not go well.
- At the end of the episode, Tails comes out with a box of refreshments for the heist team"
- Casino Zone: Part Three
Tails: Sonic!Sonic: (taking off his fake head) Tails! What the hell are you doing here?Tails: What am I do- you're starring in a goddamn ice skating musical! What the fuck is wrong with you?!Sonic: Oh, I'm fine. But I'd be a lot better if (yells distantly) Sonic could enter on fucking mark once in a while! AMATEURS!
- A snippet of Sonic on Ice is viewed in this episode. The masks that the skaters wear that represent Sonic's friends are incredibly uncanny. Bonus points for Sonic wearing one of the things over his own head.
- Tails confronts Sonic after a performance:
Tails: There's 50 billion in the vault.Sonic: Awww, TITS!
- While Sonic, who has already become incredibly narcissistic, refuses to carry out the heist and go back to the petty lifestyle he once lived, Tails is quick to turn his mood around.
Sonic: You can leave that up to Mr. Disguise himself! (pulls out his phone and speed-dials a number)Mr.Disguise: (as an automated message) Hello. You've reached Mr. Disguise. I'm away from the phone right now, so please lea-Sonic: (hangs up) Dammit! Straight to voicemail. That's alright. I've got another idea.
- With everyone grouped back together, Tails mentions that a guard he bribed told him Shredder never locks the safe to the vault, so all the guys need are some disguises.
Tails: I'm surprised nobody's done this before. It was super easy.
- And just what is this other idea that Sonic has? Enter the vault wearing the giant mascot heads from Sonic on Ice. It actually works.
- Kirby's mascot head in particular looks way too huge for his little body.
Jim: Did you say "rings"? We stole. FUCKING! Rings! Do you know what the exchange rate is on these in my world? Like, a kajillion to one! They're FUCKING WORTHLESS!Kirby: You mean I got gonorrhea in my mouth from eating Princess Potato for nothing?!!Tails: Yeah, I guess there was a pretty big oversight. Sorry.Eggman: Y'know, I knew this was gonna be a problem. Glad I didn't say anything. Kind of a dick move on my part.
- Shredder being left in hysterical grief after Sonic abandons Sonic on Ice, mentioning that he had big plans for the show; merchandise, Broadway, a movie, etc.
- Then, when Tails goes to divvy up all the rings that they stole, Jim and Kirby aren't exactly too happy.
- Not to mention Shredder still crying and eventually committing hara-kiri while everyone is arguing.
Jim: Wait a second. Isn't Sonic on Ice cancelled- YOU MOTHERFU- (end screen)
- The episode ends with Sonic trying to make it up to everyone with a trip to the buffet and half-price tickets to Sonic on Ice. Though, Jim has thoughts.
- Tecmo Bowl
Jim: Why do I hang out with you assholes?Sonic: DON'T drink that. It's a roofie cocktail I made for the cheerleaders. (Jim faints)
- Kirby thanking Sonic and Tails for the football game by mentioning how he doesn't have to murder them now.
- Sonic mentioning that everyone will be "richer than Jesus... Franco, the Spanish film director." if they lose.
- Jim chugging what appears to be a sports drink:
Eggman: Uh, I'm not much of a tennis guy, but... he wasn't supposed to goal that slam dunk point, was he?Tails: No. No, he wasn't.
- Tails picking "Run 1", a "very stoppable" maneuver, to play it safe so no one gets suspicious about the bet... only for Sonic to immediately score a touchdown when he grabs the ball.
Tails: STOP SCORING TOUCHDOWNS, you fucking idiot!Sonic: Would you tell Picasso to stop painting? Or Leonardo to stop... Di Caprio-ing? NO WAY, man! Just gimme the damn ball and show me the money! Just Do It, Eye of the Tiger! (Sonic walks off, his voice growing more distant as he speaks) Place at the table! Starting defense! I'll have what she's having!
- The little montage of Sonic repeatedly scoring touchdowns, even causing a few fatalities in the process, is capped off with Eggman running out of breath, Jim waking up in a daze, and Sonic in a total power rush.
Tails: Fuck. Plan B.
- With Sonic "in full-on dick mode", Tails is left to lead the team. He gives a motivational speech to encourage the guys to lose the game, until Jim points out that there are two seconds left on the clock.
Thunderhead: Ha ha! Touchdown!
- Plan B happens to be the ''completely unexpected appearance of a giant tank driven by Thunderhead that crushes Sonic before he makes a move.
Sonic: You know, if it weren't for my awesome touchdowns, you guys wouldn't have gotten away with that plan. So, uh... where's MY Gatorade dunk?Earthworm Jim: I got your dunk right here! (unzips pants)Sonic: Oh God, NOOOOOOOO!
- The last scene of the episode shows everyone celebrating after winning the bet, when a wheelchair bound and still power high Sonic rolls in:
- The War: Part One
Tails: I feel like something should go wrong at this point. (wall explodes. Darth Vader steps in accompanied by The Imperial March) Wall explodes. Ominous music. Saw that comin'.
- Sonic mentioning how well he's been handling his mob boss lifestyle, and mentioning how he can't imagine anything going wrong.
Sonic: O-OK. OK. Hold on. There's a lot of worlds colliding here. Does this mean I have the Force? Tails, go crash an X-Wing into a swamp and find out if I have a sister I can make out with!
- Sonic initially thinks that he was supposed to pick up Vader from soccer practice when the Sith Lord mentions that he was waiting for him.
- Vader's bumbling explanation of a Jedi prophecy is compared by Tails to Vader having a stroke. Sonic is intrigued to say the least:
Tails: Now our new enemy wants to kill us. Saw that comin'.
- Then, it turns out that Vader has come to Sonic because his mob family has been making noise on Empire blogs, and has come to teach him a lesson.
Sonic: We just went through this with Mario, so you'll excuse me if I'm not shitting my pants that I don't wear.
- Once again, Sonic is not fazed by a new foe:
Sonic: Alright! Va-Vader! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Alright! Take it easy!Darth Vader: It would be a shame if someone, diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid this! (unfreezes Wilkins)Sonic: You son of a bitch!
- What finally tempts Sonic to rumble with Vader is when he wanders over to Dominique Wilkins, still frozen in carbonite.
Sonic: (arm-wrestling Tails, through gritted teeth) Yeah. Did you see this one comin', dipshit?
- Vader vows to have his and Sonic's mob families face off in the same way mob families through out history have: a game of Family Feud.
- The War: Part Two
Vader: I am not about to listen to that guy's voice for this entire day. I have "Force-seen" it.
- Instead of Steve Harvey, Family Feud is hosted by former host Louie Anderson. After a few seconds of talking, Vader promptly Force-Chokes him.
Steve: Well, that's a hell of a family you got there. (is promptly Force-choked by Vader reading a book)
- When Steve Harvey is actually introduced, he tells Darth to introduce his family. Vader's Family includes his disappointment son Luke, and 3 random Stormtroopers.
Sonic: I'm sure you know my sister, Chloe, her husband, Lamarr, there's Fat Piece of Shit, and on the end is my illegitimate daughter thingy, Soniqua.Steve: Where the fuck do we find these families?!
- Sonic introduces his "family" through different means:
Soniqua: If you're in Las Vegas and eat chicken Caesar salad, but find out that it gives you the shits, but you're stuck walking the Strip and almost crap behind some bushes, then you run into a casino and bust down the stall door, and SHIT ALL OVER THE PLAAAAAACE!
- The first question is to name an appliance one receives from a bridal registry. Vader randomly answers "lightsaber", and gets it wrong, whereas Sonic correctly guesses "Cuisinart". Vader begins killing his stormtroopers for every question he gets wrong.
- Steve telling the "Hedgehogs" that they can steal points and win the game if they can name a type of emergency. Sonic is about to answer "flooding", when Soniqua interrupts with...this:
Sonic: Eww!Amy Rose: (giggles) You know how long I've waited to wake up next to you and drink a hot beer out of your ass? I feel like a fairytale princess!Sonic: So you did jam a beer bottle up my ass.
- This episode starts off by Sonic waking up from the party the guys threw in the previous episode. Amy Rose happens to be with him, having exchanged in drunken sex with him. He also mentions to Amy that she may or may not have jammed a bottle of beer up his ass. Amy proceeds to take out said bottle, and fucking chugs it.
Tails: So, what's, happening here? What is this?Sonic: Originally, I just wanted to get all these nutbags out of my office. But, now I kinda wanna watch 'em beat the shit out of each other for my affection.Tails: Huh. Sounds promising.
- Mother Brain arrives to pick up Soniqua, who she believes is hungover. Sonic clarifies that she's not, even after previously drinking an entire bar's worth of alcohol.
- Then, the Whip Woman from Double Dragon and Link arrive, the latter introducing a newly made-over Princess Peach. When things turn ugly, Sonic quells the chaos with a gun, mentioning that everyone can solve the issue by working as intelligent and responsible adults. Cut to all 4 of Sonic's old flames in the ring at WWF Wrestlemania:
- After Amy happens to be the victor of the vicious 4 way cat fight, Sonic bluntly brushes her off, including the old "I'm gay" excuse from Season 1. Afterwards, Soniqua appears out of nowhere and brains Amy with a steel chair.
- Duck Hunt
Tails: So murdering innocent ducks helps calm your nerves. I getcha.Sonic: You're the duck. I'll murder your ducks.Tails: What'd you say?Sonic: Oh, I said, "Pizza is... Good!" Duck! (fires his gun)Tails: Uh, that was an... airplane. Are you sure you're okay? Maybe just take a nap, or... take a dump, I dunno, that usually sets me straight.
- Tails notices that Sonic has become quite stressed, guessing that the stress of living a mob boss lifestyle has caught up with him. Sonic denies this, mentioning how he just needed to get away from all the craziness in his office.
Tails: Ok, that's clearly a dog. You should not be holding a shotgun right now. (ducks start flying. Sonic fires, but misses every one of them. The Dog laughs.)Sonic: Huh. Somethin' funny, Moose?! I'm gonna make it rain ducks all over your STUPID FUCKIN' HEAD! (more ducks fly out. Sonic again shoots, and again misses. The Dog laughs once again.) THAT'S IT! YOU'RE FUCKIN' DEAD! (jumps into the bushes. The Dog begins mauling him.) Tails! Shoot the moose wizard! He's killing me with his superhuman powers!Tails: I'm not shooting a dog, man. We've done some terrible things before, but I can't shoot a dog.Sonic: (battered and bruised) FUCKING KILL IT!!Tails: Oh, wait! I have a better idea! (runs off)Sonic: (feebly reaching out for help) HELP ME, YOU PRICK!!!!
- Sonic's level of stress is so high, it causes him to hallucinate, mentioning that he sees the Dog as "a moose wizard with radioactive fangs and superhuman powers."
Soniqua: Baby Soniqua want breast feed?Sonic: (back in the hospital) WOW. That's fuckin' weird.
- Tails' idea for what to do with the Dog: dressing it up as a baby, plopping it in a stroller, and giving it to Soniqua.
Tails: You're a fat piece of shit.Eggman: Well, that wasn't necessary at all. That was just mean.
- When Eggman questions Tails if Sonic is OK with him running the mob business while he's in the hospital, Tails mentions that he doesn't have to take his permission to do anything. Though he did tell Tails to call Eggman a fat piece of shit.
Jim: Oo-hoo-hoo! This sounds exciting! (cut to the two in South America) This is fucking boring!:Eggman: What the hell is an "El Padrino" anyway?Jim: I think it's a... deep fried taco.Eggman: Well, he sounds delicious, but I don't know what he has to do with drugs. (soldiers surround them)Both: FUCK.
- Jim and Eggman flip-flop their opinions on going to South America to find El Padrino.
El Padrino: I don't know why I'm laughing. (chortles) START LAUGHING!
- El Padrino's appearance in the series, being depicted as a drug lord who is permanently coked out of his mind. When he first sees Jim and Eggman, a soldier has to confirm to him that what he's seeing is indeed real. He also has a pet named "Marmosets". Not a group of little monkeys, but rather an anaconda.
- When the botched explanation of what the two are doing in South America causes El Padrino to start laughing, he mentions that he's gonna be keeping them around.
Tails: Oh, don't worry. I plan on keeping you around. Send you on random jobs. You'll be like Sonic... For Hire. (both characters glimpse at the screen)
- When Sonic notices how Tails has changed his business, the benefits that Tails lists include... a stapler, for filing mob papers. Sonic agrees that the stapler is awesome, but still admits that he runs the show.
Jim: (partying with Eggman and Colombian prostitutes among mountains of cocaine) THIS IS THE BEST JOB I'VE EVER HAD! (his phone rings) It's Tails!Eggman: Tell him we're never leaving! THERE'S COKE ON TITS!!!
- When asked about where Jim and Eggman are, Tails mentions that they should be back from South America with loads of drugs and cash. Though, actually...
Sonic: Fuck that! This is a War!-no. A Battle!-nope. It's Fuckin' On!
- Tails admits that he may have just fucked up, but is still staying the boss.
- It's On
Tails: Hey, Sonic. You ever call a coin toss? Let me give you a word of advice: (sinisterly) Always bet on Tails.Sonic: No-no-no-no-no-no-NOOO! (the scene freezes and goes into sepia tone just as Tails presses the plunger)
- This episode begins in media res, with Tails having hooked up a Donkey Kong Country TNT Barrel to all the money Sonic has made as a mob boss.
Tails: Look, if I'm not the boss, then nobody's the boss! All I do is help you out of trouble, and you just keep shitting on me!Sonic: But, you're so annoying! Look, we could work something out. I'll be the mob boss Monday through Saturday and you can take Sundays. When the mob is closed. ( the lines from the beginning are repeated, and the mob business is blown up)
- The Narrator from the past few season finales returns to mention that the above quote originated in Passenger 57, before bringing the audience up to speed:
- Tails has taken over Sonic's mob business, and the hedgehog did not take to kindly to it. The two have been at each other's throats ever since. Eggman and Jim are still staying in Contra to party with Colombian prostitutes.
- As for the rest of the gang, Kirby has been eating his way to Broadway since joining (and eating the entire cast of) a Sonic on Ice revival. Thunderhead rebuilt and reopened Sonic's old Tapper bar. Though he was quickly thrown in jail on the charges of serving minors, sexual harassment, statutory axe chopping, and just being a creep. Dominique Wilkins, still blind from hibernation sickness, has been wandering throughout places unknown. And as for Soniqua, she loves her new Dog, and has started training it to battle Pokemon. Though the Narrator calls them "Pocket Monsters", claiming it "sounds like a dick joke waiting to happen."
- The montage of Sonic and Tails duking it out throughout past games featured in the series has a handful of laughable moments: Goro being crushed by the Tornado, Mario's now decaying corpse being used as a platform, more hockey players being killed by Zambonis, a quick lunch break in Burgertime, and Sonic tumbling up and down an Excitebike ramp.
- The episode comes full circle when Sonic begs Tails not to blow up his mob money.
- Sonic's apartment manages to look even worse when he comes back. The couch being torn, the lamp broken, a puddle of what is presumably blood on the floor, and to replace the Dominique Wilkins poster, is a Gerald Wilkins poster.
Sonic: Hey, Knuckles.Knuckles: Hey, get the fuck outta here!!
- Sonic's first meeting with Knuckles since Season 1 goes over well:
Sonic: Oh. Hello, Tails. It looks like you're doing great. And not dead. After exploding all my money and ruining my life.Tails: Fuck yeah, loser! Blowin' up all your stupid cash blew up my bank account, bitch! You're looking at the star of the biggest iPhone game in history! It's called-Sonic: Let me guess: Blowin' Up!Tails: Cash Explosion! (pulls up said app on his phone) Fucking moron.
- When Sonic asks for another chance, Knuckles mentions that he's still scrubbing Sonic's jizz off the deep friers.
- Sonic mentions a "brief" crack addiction during the time in between this and the previous episode.
- Knuckles ultimately hires Sonic again, and this time, puts him on drive-thru duty. To Sonic's surprise, his first customer is Tails, in a red sports car.
Knuckles: Well, at least I've still got my moped.Sonic: (riding away on said moped, completely stoned) This should buy me some great crack!
- The restrooms inside Burgertime having different labels: "Pickles" for the men's room, "Onion Rings" for the ladies' room.
- When Knuckles questions why Sonic is going to the bathroom right at the beginning of his shift, Sonic answers that he is definitely not going to smoke crack in the bathroom and burn the place down with the crack pipe. Cue the appearance of Knuckles looking at the burning ruins of Burgertime:
Sonic: What the hell was that?! I think a bird just shit on me!Soldier: These alien bastards are relentless!Sonic: They're like butterfly kisses from your mom.Soldier: You try tellin' that ta Sully, or Mac, or O'Shaughnessy!Sonic: Fuck this! (murders the remaining aliens) Later, dork. I'm gonna go get another job in some other shitty game.
- Sonic finds himself in Space Invaders and remarks on how shitty it looks. The Soldier in the Tank tells him to watch himself, since Atari is now the only place he can find work, since he's fucked up every game he's touched so far.
- An Invader fires a laser on Sonic:
Elliot: Hello, mister. Will you help me build a phone so my alien friend can-Sonic: Yeah whatever, nerd. But first, why don't you grab mommy's purse for your uncle Sonic, OK?
- Sonic finds himself in the infamous E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial:
E.T.: Phone. Home.Sonic: Yeah, yeah, hold on. I got somethin' that'll fly us all the way back home. (takes a puff of his crack pipe and coughs) Yeah! (E.T. also puffs away)
- Elliot is then rammed down by Tails' sports car. Much like the last episode, where Tails blared Barbie Girl to drown out Sonic's ranting, he pisses him off this time by blaring Lady Gaga's Bad Romance, and then peeling away when he asks Sonic if he wants a ride to Elliot's Mom's place.
- Sonic finds E.T. and tells him to get in the basket of "his" bike:
Sonic: (stoned) We're flying! This feels so good! (E.T. falls out of the basket, screaming as he goes down) Aw, fuck!
- The two crackheads then recreate the iconic "moon bike" scene from the movie:
Sonic: Uuhhhh. Things cannot get worse.Thunderhead: Soni-hi-hic! I can't believe it's you! Lets celebrate! I got a condom full of wine up my ass, one sec — hold on, let me get that out.
- Later, when Sonic winds up back in jail.
- Final Fantasy
Sonic:I can't- I can't even believe I'm in this argument! I'm so glad that we broke out of that jail cell so I don't have to be around you anymore!Thunderhead: Give me ONE shred of evidence that Star Wars came out before Spaceballs.Sonic: The years! Take a look at a calendar!Thunderhead: Oh, Okay, yeah. Lemme get a calendar! Oh, I'll get an old calendar. Oh, look! I'm born in 1812. Now that proves nothing!Sonic: SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!Thunderhead: I win!Sonic: I hate you!
- The first thing we see in this episode is Sonic and Thunderhead, having just tunneled their way out of prison arguing about, of all things, Star Wars being based off of Spaceballs.
Thunderhead: Cool! (reaches into ass) I'll get the ass wine.
- When meeting the Final Fantasy party, Thunderhead thinks they've arrived at Comic-Con, though Sonic, detecting sexual tension, assumes they've arrived at a "standard medieval group orgy."
Sonic: Aw-haw, shit! I love Monsters Inc.!'Thunderhead: Yeah! Let's watch that! (reaches into ass again) I'llgettheasswine.
- Their reaction to seeing the Ahriman:
Sonic: Aw-haw, shit! What the FUCK was that?! At least jump on him, or- Thunderhead, show 'em how to use an axe.Thunderhead: (approaching the monster, swinging his axe wildly, but failing to hit it) Ha ha, hey, yeah! Let's go, Billy Crystal! Let's see you make kids laugh now, fucker!
- Sonic's reaction to the Bard using "Song of Blades".
All 4 Fighters: Holy shit!Warrior: Clearly you are superior beings from another land. Come stay with us! You will forever live like kings and- (Thunderhead summons the dragon again, incinerating the party)Sonic: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! We were gonna live like KINGS!!!!Thunderhead: Yeah, there wasn't gonna be enough ass wine for everybody so, y'know, I made an executive decision.Sonic: I don't want your God. Damn. ASS WINE!Thunderhead: Fine, more for me then! C'mon! Let's go! I'm livin' at your place now. Couple ground rules: Number 1. I sleep in the nude, Number 2. I refuse to use toilet paper, and Number 3. I'm the big spoon.
- When Sonic learns that these battles are turn-based, he suggests that they instead throw dirt in the monster's eyes or shoot it in the back, much like Liam Neeson in Taken.
- Thunderhead easily taking the Ahriman by summoning the dragon that Tyris Flare summoned in his debut episode:
Thunderhead: (bratty and whiny) This place is a dump! Change the poster! You got a salad bowl I can soak my feet in? Ooh! We should order some food!Sonic: Hey, fuckface! This isn't a vacation! We have to think of a way to make some money, fast!
- Thunderhead has been crashing at Sonic's place since the last episode, acting like a spoiled child:
Thunderhead: All we gotta do is bet on me to win, and we'll be soaking our feet like fucking royalty!Sonic: Whatever. Not if we're fighting Chun-Li.
- Despite confusing the movies Lionheart and Bloodsport, Thunderhead mentions that a group of badasses he met in jail told him about an underground fighting ring.
Sonic: Badasses in jail told you about THIS PLACE?Gillius: Did I say "badasses"? I meant pedophiles. Prison does things to a man.
- Sonic and Thunderhead finding themselves not in an underground ring of badasses, but in a bright, cheerful meadow, staring at a crowd of rather adorable looking Pokemon.
Thunderhead: Oh-ho-haw, I'm about to do you doggy-style!Sonic: (distantly) Aw-haw-haw! That was terrible! Thunderhead summons the dragon, but the dog is incredibly left untouched)Thunderhead: Awww, fffffffffuck. (gets mauled)
- The Trainer being shocked at Soniqua's name, mentioning that everyone's been calling her "Batshit Crazy Guacamole Nightmare".
- Thunderhead noticing a glitch in Sonic's face from the last episode. Sonic admits that he thinks it's a seizure.
- Thunderhead's short lived battle against Soniqua's Dog:
Sonic: There's Daddy's little psychopath! I missed you! C'mon, let's go home.Soniqua: Avocado!Sonic: No, the killer Dog is gonna stay behind. I think he found a new friend, anyway.Thunderhead: (being vigorously humped by the Dog) Oh, you're a friendly Dog! I like you too!
- At the end of the episode, the Trainer sics Soniqua on Sonic for being a deadbeat, only for Soniqua to rip him in half like a phone book!
- Cash Explosion
Tails: Oh, wait, were you talking to me? I was just listening to my motivational audiobook: Tails Tells Tales About How Fucking Awesome Tails Is.Executive: Oh, I was just saying that the new Cash Explosion game is be-Tails: Yeah whatever fuck you, just make sure the dump truck of money is at my place by noon, OK.Executive: Um, but it's already past one.Tails: Yeah, that's not my problem. (grabs a coffee on the desk and sips it) Aw, this is the best coffee I've ever tasted! (splashes it in the Executive's face)Executive: Ahhh-ow! Great meeting, Tails!
- This episode focuses entirely on Tails and showcases a day in his new rich lifestyle. One of the first things he does after sending a package off to be mailed is to light a bag of cash on fire, for no reason other than he can.
- Tails meeting an executive at "Barely Mobile Head Offices" about the sequel to his iPhone game, Cash Explosion: Space Cash Explosion. Tails seems to agree with what they have planned, but it's not what it seems:
Tails: (answers his Bluetooth) This is T-Bone! Talk to me! Whaddya mean Ry Rey's off the project?! Well, who's his replacement? WHAT THE FUCK IS A "FREDDY PRINZE JR.?!" You'd better fix this, or I'm walking, and you can kiss my two tails goodbye, asshole! Now go find some coffee, and throw it in your FUCKING FACE!! (hangs up) Ugh. Amateurs!
- Later, Tails is driving to the set of his upcoming movie, Single Slacker Lives With talking Fox That Meets Sassy Girl Of His Dreams, co-starring Ryan Reynolds as the Talking Fox, when he gets a call:
Tails: (shouting over the noise) THIS IS HANDS DOWN MY FAVORITE PART OF THE DAY! IT'S SO RELAXING! NOTHING BEATS A NICE, HOT, GOLDEN SHOWER!
- Later, Tails is seen... taking a shower of gold coins.
- The end of this Tails-centric episode shows Sonic getting the package Tails sent in the mail earlier:
Sonic: Alright, let's see what we got here, give this thing a test drive. "F-O-O-D" (types "T-I-T-S", a pair of disembodied boobs are summoned) WHOA. That, is weird. Okay, guess I have to be more specific. (open's the notebook again) Alright, let's see here... "MORE" "FOOD." (types HUGE TITS, an even bigger pair of disembodied boobs appear) MUCH better!
- This episode starts the hilarity right off the bat when Sonic calls Maxwell "Space Cadet".
- After witnessing Maxwell use his magic notebook to create an elephant from nothing, Sonic goes to write something in it:
Sonic: (as said tits are summoned) Da-aw, that's my girl!Maxwell: OK. Clearly I've made a mistake in hiring you, so-Sonic: Oh- wait I've got it! (opens the notebook) Sonic, you are a fucking genius!
- Sonic allows Soniqua to get in on the action. She proceeds to type "Avocado Tits".
Sonic: Huh. That is a lot of crack and porno.Maxwell: That's... pretty depressing, man.Sonic: Yeah, I'm a fuckin' mess.
- Sonic ultimately proceeds to type in "HAPPINESS". What is summoned appear to be 2 mountains. One made of crack, the other of porn magazines.
Maxwell: I think you mean "rings"?Sonic: Oh, fuck you! (erases "COINS", types in "RINGS")
- Sonic then decides to use the magic notebook to make himself filthy rich so he can rub it in Tails' face. He proceeds to type in "ONE BILLION COINS".
Sonic: AH! God Dammit! (writes "GUN" in the note book and takes the newly summoned gun) Plan B: rob a gas station. (he and Soniqua run off. beat.)Elephant: Ya smoking that crack, or what?
- Alas, the notebook takes Sonic's wish too literally, and ends up summoning a mountain of onion rings.
Dr. Wily: Out of my vay! Vily's got to tinkle!Gutsman: Eh, this place better have some serious booze.
- The Koopa Troopa attendant at the Gassy Donut claims to know Sonic, despite Sonic not knowing him. Turns out he knows him because he's responsible for the death of a certain genocidal plumber.
- Before Sonic can rob the place, a ship crashes down from the sky, right on top of him. Inside the ship is Megaman, Gutsman, and Dr. Wily (from Sonic for Hire's' sister series, Mega Man Dies at the End). While Megaman is there to simply refuel the ship, Wily and Gutsman have reasons to be there as well.
Gutsman: Weee should probably get out of here. Some careless but handsome robot must've been trying to shotgun propane tanks and yadda yadda yadda, the place is about to explode.Dr. Wily: It vas Gutsman.Gutsman: It was me.Megaman: Alright, that was quick. Uh, it was... OK catching up with you, Sonic.Sonic: You too, Opossum Man.Gutsman: What did he just call you? (the ship flies away. the gas station explodes a second later)One of many strange looking characters: (standing behind Sonic) Are we too late for the crossover episode?
- Mega Man asks Sonic about where his "viking friend" is, since the two had previously had cameos in a past Mega Man Dies at the End episode.
- Sonic tells Megaman that he always thought his name was OMega man, much like opossum. Since everyone spells it with an "O" but still says "Possum".
- The rest of the episode is pretty awkward, no doubt thanks to the 2 blue dudes' awareness that they are in a "gratuitous crossover episode".
- Gutsman and Wily head back to warn Megaman that they should get going:
- The New Kirby
Sonic: What do you want from me?! You asked me to save your ugly-ass girlfriend, I couldn't do it, so I blew up your boat.Popeye: (gibberish)Sonic: Yeah. I got none of that.
- Sonic's first appearance in this episode helping Popeye rescue Olive Oyl. It failed spectacularly, so Sonic blew up his ship and has Bluto rape her.
Sonic: Sure thing, complete stranger!
- A strange limo appears on the pier and orders Sonic to get in. Sonic's response?
Kirby: (to a Waddle Dee carrying a plate of sandwiches)Ah. Thank you, Samuel. (beats him to death)
- As this episode mentions, Kirby has changed significantly. Blond hair, slender physique, Hollywood producer, constantly spouting "Love it!", etc. Despite these changes, he has remained a sociopath, demonstrated when he beats his Waddle Dee servants to death with his parasol.
Kirby: Yeah, movies don't work like that. (continues beating a Waddle Dee to death)Sonic: Glad to see you're still a psychopath.Kirby: Love it!
- Sonic mentioning that one of the movies Kirby produced, Blow the Cartridge, is his favorite. He's never seen it, but it did bootleg up to 50 copies.
- Sonic refuses to star with Tails in his movie, Sonic the Hedgehog: One Bad Character, so Kirby is quick to agree. He says he hates him, but quickly loves him again.
- Sonic asks at the end of the episode if he can be put in Big Trouble in Little China, mentioning that he wants to meet Jeff Fine.
- Mass Effect
Sonic: (digitally edited into footage of Geralt passing through Rhundurin Square) Fishheads for sale! Get your red hot fish heads! Hey, buddy! How 'bout a fish head? You look you could use a- OK, next time, next time.
- This episode is presented in the form of an episode of Entertainment Tonight. The Host somewhat half listens and half ignores Sonic throughout his interview.
- Sonic mentioning that his first role was a background character in The Witcher 2:
Sonic: OH SHIT! YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!
- Sonic's supporting role in Mass Effect 3 as "Hedgy", best friend and hype man of Commander Shepherd. He fitted in rather perfectly, even if he was still just edited into existing cutscenes. First, Khalisah is KO'ed by Shepherd:
Hanar Diplomat: As a faithful servant of the Enkindlers, we too, must serve the Reapers.Commander Shepherd: You big, stupid jellyfish!Sonic: OOOH! MUTHAFUCKA JUST SAID JELLYFISH!
- Then, during a scene with the Hanar Diplomat:
Sonic: (watching the action) WHOA! She's naked! I've heard of smoking hot before, but this is ridiculous, eh, Shep? Oh God, Shep, I can see everything! Where's the fuckin' key? Get me the k- By God, Shep gimme the key. C'mon, I gotta- Fuck this, I'm just goin' out the window. (shattering glass is heard)The Host: It is getting steamy in here!
- Sonic was also included in Shepherd and Liara's sex scene, albeit involuntarily.
Sonic: (watching his interview with Kirby in his mansion) Not too shabby, huh?Kirby: The audience loves a wildcard!Sonic: Seriously though, Tails isn't gonna be in the movie, right.Kirby: Absolutely not, well maybe, definitely yes, OK we're meeting up for brunch right now, so let's go! Love it! Love it! LOVE IT!Sonic: FUUUUUUUUUUCK!
- After pushing Sonic to have Tails be in the movie, Sonic begins assaulting him.
- Two Bad Characters
Sonic: Oh, man! The food in this place is so much better than the food in the dumpster behind this place.Kirby: Get used to it! Your days of eating out of dumpsters are over! (For now.)
- The restaurant that Sonic and Kirby have brunch at is called "Tre Douche".
Knuckles: You burned it to the ground with a crack pipe, you asshole! Now I gotta work here and serve pretentious dickheads like you all day! You know how hard it is to carry shit with fuckin' boxing gloves on?!Sonic: C-can I get some more water? Thanks.Knuckles: I'm gonna fuckin' murder you one day.
- Sonic happens to run into Knuckles, who is now a waiter at Tre Douche. Sonic asks how Burgertime has been holding up:
Tails: Kir-BONE! You look like a penis. Hey, Sonic! Who's joystick did you polish to get seated in here, huh? Nah, I'm just fucking with you! No hard feelings, huh? Let's make a movie, whaddya say?Sonic: What do I' say? How 'bout (pulls out his gun and riddles Tails with bullets)'' "Die, fucker! Fuckin' die! HAHAHA!"
- Kirby tells Sonic that the gang has to come back together for the movie, Jim and Eggman are the first who need to come back. Sonic sarcastically rebukes that pulling the two out of a mountain of tits and coke shouldn't be a problem.
- Sonic having a sadistic daydream when Tails arrives to talk about the movie:
Kirby: Ohmigod! LOVE IT!
- Sonic comes to, and suggests that Tails gets top billing, changing the name of the movie to Tails and Sonic: Two Bad Characters.
Knuckles: (rejected and dejected) I'm not in the movie, am I?
- Tails is, of course, suspicious of Sonic. Though the hedgehog claims that he just wants to make this "the biggest fucking movie of all time!" Tails agrees with the changes, usurping the title of "Player One".
- Knuckles trying to join in on the celebration everyone is having, only to realize that he is denying the obvious:
- El Padrino
Jim: I'm telling you! Johnathan Silverman and Sarah Silverman are not related!Eggman: Yes, they are! I met Andrew McCarthy at a party once, and he told me so!Jim: You never met Andrew McCarthy!
- Things down in Contra have gotten a lot more mundane since last season:
Sonic: Uh- C'mon, really guys? NOTHING?! Thanks, dicks! Look, Giant-Monster-Skull-Face, I gotta take these two dummies back home. So if you could point us to the closest donkey out of here, uh that'd be great.El Padrino: You know, for a drunken hedgehog, you're not very funny. I'm done with the three of them! Throw them to Marmosets!Sonic: Oh! Little monkeys! That doesn't sound so bad.Eggman: They're not monkeys! It's his anaconda!:
- El Padrino, after getting a taco shell caught in his throat, recognizes Sonic as "the infamous drunken hedgehog I've heard nothing about."
Jim: (as "Marmosets" begin entering) Sonic, do something! Isn't this sort of thing your specialty?Sonic: You think beating up coked out, cannibal pop singers is my specialty?Eggman: Yes. Absolutely. That's what you do.Sonic: Alright pussies, I'll do it! But then you have to come back and be in the movie.Eggman: Will there be coke on tits?Sonic: We're shooting this in Hollywood. They invented coke on tits!Eggman: You got yourself a deal!
- El Padrino then mentions (while admitting that he needs to think of better names), that "Marmosets" is also the name of the coked out, female pop group that he keeps around for entertainment.
Jim: HOLY SHIT! THE BITCH IS ON ME! GET HER OFF! (Sonic rounds up all the "Marmosets" and spindashes them to death)Sonic: Alright, look, see?! I killed your coke whores! Now let us go, Padrino!Eggman: That rhymed.
- Jim also agrees to the movie... since he wants to play Tails. After which, a "Marmoset" begins devouring his leg.
Sonic: Sorta. I thought that was the deal: if you're pitted in a fight to the death, and you kill the thing that's trying to kill you, you automatically get to leave. Isn't that how it usually works?El Padrino: Y'know what? I've never really done this kind of thing before. Ah, what the hell! I'm high as fuck! (opens the exit)Sonic: Okey-doke. Take it easy, Padrino.
- El Padrino is left stunned by this turn of events, reasoning if Sonic can really just kill his women, take his employees, and leave.
Eggman: NO! But there's so much COKE! I never wanna leave! (gets dragged out by Sonic and Jim) AHHH!
- Eggman has doubts about leaving at the end of the episode.
- Movie Magic
Tails: C'mon! Can't we talk about this?Kirby: (in a flawless Mario impersonation) No! You fucked up my business, let my brother get hit by a bus, and worst of all, somehow you reprogrammed my DVR to record each episode of Bachelor Pad like, three different times.Sonic: Yeah, that was me.Tails: That show is terrible and so are you. You should get stabbed in the face every single morning for the rest of your life, you limp-dick LOSER! GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE!!
- Tails and Sonic: Two Bad Characters is filmed in this episode. Thanks to Tails' and Sonic's roles being switched, the past episodes featured have some rather... interesting twists to them. In the first scene, the confrontation with Mario at the beginning of "The Battle: Part 02", Kirby himself takes the role of Mario, and completes the illusion by inhaling Mario's decaying corpse.
Sonic: Wait a second. I don't remember saying all that shit! And pissing all that piss!Tails: Yeah, I'm sprucing up your boring life. Let's MOVE, people! We're losing daylight!
- To top off the vicious insults above, Tails proceeds to piss on Sonic's face. When Kirby declares the scene finished, Sonic has questions:
Tails: Ha ha ha! Tails Wins!Sonic: Aw, C'MON! I love barely legal hookers! (noticing the annoying breakdancer) Alright, dude. Stop that. That's annoying. Get out of here.
- The next scene being filmed is Paperboy. When Tails steals the house's TV like Sonic, he is instead asked by the police to come down to the station and fuck a jail cell full of barely legal hookers.
Tails: Alright, sugar tits. Why don't you head down to Hair & Makeup and get all spic and span down there. In the meantime, I'm gonna need a fluffer before this scene gets started, uh.... Lookin' at you...Sonic: NO. FUCKING. WAY.
- Next up is Mother Brain's love scene. While Mother Brain is excited, Tails refuses to do her and has her replaced by a much better candidate: Lara Croft of Tomb Raider.
Eggman: Uh, my agent says I don't have to run, so I'm not running.Jim: (bitterly) I'm pretty sure I haven't had a line in this entire movie.Sonic: Hey, Tarantino! Everybody wins in this scene, so how about we just follow the script?Tails: Hey, who's the star here?! That's right! ME! Now shut up, get in this donkey costume, and light yourself on fire.
- Tecmo Bowl is up next. Eggman and Jim are finally needed on set:
Sonic: Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa! Since I'm living Tails' life, shouldn't I be in the car? Shouldn't it be my Cash Explosion?!Tails: (beat) Nah. (throws milkshake at Sonic) See ya at the wrap party, fuckface! (peels out)Kirby: That's a wrap, everybody! See ya tonight! Don't be late or I'll beat you to death and devour your corpse!Eggman: Probably not the best time for this, but uh... I was promised coke on tits.
- The final scene, the drive-thru scene from "Restart", has Sonic asking some questions:
- The Red Carpet
Thunderhead: What the hell's a guest? I'm in the fuckin' movie!Eggman: Shut up, Gimli! Nobody's here to see you! Ladies, ladies! Room 6B, La Quinta Inn! Look for me poolside!Jim: You seriously couldn't wear pants tonight.
- This episode features the world premiere of Tails and Sonic: Two Bad Characters. The Host of Entertainment Tonight is live on the red carpet, calling the film one of the biggest things to talk about since Something to Talk About... showed the trailer for Braveheart.
- The stars begin arriving at the premiere. Among them are Jim, Eggman, and "Guest" A.K.A a seriously pissed off Thunderhead.
Tails: (dons shades) Buckle up. You're about to get your money's worth.Host: Cool as always! Hey, Sonic, please don't hit me! You lovin' this red carpet tonight or what?Sonic: It's gonna be a scorcher.Host: Whaddya mean?Sonic: I-I was-I was trying to do a cool thing like Tails. Whatever, fuck you.
- Tails approached by the Host for a word:
Eggman: (in the film, after shooting Sonic, haltingly) I'm going to kill YOU, Sonic! Ha ha ha ha! (watching his performance) Nailed it.
- The only time Eggman is on screen in the film itself:
Film!Sonic: Aw, fuck that! I'mma let this bitch ride on Dreamcast stock! RINGA-DING-DONG! (continues in the background while Sonic heads to the boiler room) I'm gonna ring it! And then I'm gonna ding it! And then I'm gonna DOOOOOONNNNNGGG!Film!Tails: You're a fucking idiot. Come on. We gotta get to that shuttle.
- In the movie, after defeating Eggman, Sonic apologizes to Tails for wetting himself.
- Film!Tails suggests that Sonic use his half of the rings to find a wife, start a family, and settle down in a nice place.
Sonic's Head: I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR TAILS.Eggman: Oh boy. This can't be good.Sonic's Head: AND THAT MESSAGE IT: YOU'RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEE! (the theater patrons start panicking) BUT FIRST, HERE'S A FEW THINGS I WANT TO GET OFF MY CHEST.
- Tails confronts Sonic near a boiler. Sonic lies that he was going to piss on it, mentioning how he loves the smell of hot, steaming piss. Tails confirms this to be true.
- Speaking of piss, the scene in the film where Tails pisses on Sonic is interrupted by a giant version of Sonic's head:
Sonic: Why do you think I let you be "Player One"? Sure you get top billing. But it also means: you can DIE!Tails: Die-YOU MOTHERF- (theater explodes)
- Sonic reveals to have rigged the theater to explode to get back at Tails for ruining his life (again). And his reasoning for giving Tails top billing are brilliant to any Sonic fan:
Tails: (popping out of the now ruined boiler) So, you were just gonna kill everyone else in the theater, too? What a dick!Sonic: You didn't die?!?! We got blasted into outer space! WHAT THE FUCK!! (a light begins shining on them)Tails: What the hell is that?
- The end of the episode shows that Sonic and Tails have been blasted into space by the explosion.
Sonic: (flatly) Hilarious outtake.
- At the Lowbrow logo, where a selected quote or outtake of an episode is featured, we have this instead:
- Star Fox
Sonic: Where the fuck are we? Oh, wait. First things first: (punches Tails in the face)Tails: Ahhh! The hell, man?!Sonic: That's for last season, and there's plenty more where that came from!
- Sonic and Tails' first lines of the season:
Tails: Well, I'm a fox. So naturally I should in charge! OK, I'm gonna need a red sports car and shitty music. Chop chop!Peppy: Yeah, thanks but no thanks. We'll go with the blue guy. Not the... gay fox.Sonic: I like your style, Space Rabbit.
- Sonic and Tails meet Peppy Hare and Slippy Toad. Peppy tells them that Fox McCloud has stepped out, so they need someone to be in charge.
Tails: You guysssssss- You guys ever play Cash Explosion? You have, right?Slippy: Do A Barrel Roll!Peppy: That's my line, you idiot! Slippy ain't quite right.
- Sonic learns that he has to destroy Andross, and heads to an Arwing, punching Tails in the face while he is at it. Tails is soon left alone with the frog and hare.
Sonic: Wow... really managed to suck the fun outta this. What's your deal?Andross: Look at me! I'm a giant space head! The fuck kind of life is this?!Sonic: A super-shitty one?Andross: Exactly. And I'm out here all by myself. And every once in a while, a bunch of ships show up and try to murder me.Peppy: Blow up his face!Andross: SEE?! Just kill me!
- When Sonic finds Andross, he literally begs to be killed.
Slippy: Do A Barrel Roll!Sonic: Thanks, Retard Frog! Punch Tails in the face for me, would ya? (Slippy hangs up, the sound of a punch is heard)Tails: OWW!
- Sonic convinces Andross to go down to Earth and get a reality show, since they'll give one to any freak of nature. Andross is excited to take his life in a whole new direction, until Sonic mentions that he'll only get paid if he kills him, so he blows him up. Then, Slippy calls:
Sonic: Space fucking BLOWS. I can't find a TV, and when is that stupid frog coming back with our food?Tails: I'm guessing never. It took him 3 hours to put his space shoes on.
- Sonic and Tails are rummaging around the Great Fox to find some food:
General Pepper: You sent the frog out? Yeah, he's not comin' back. You probably shouldn't have done that.
- General Pepper soon calls, looking for Fox. Tails mentions that he and Sonic are in charge now, while Sonic asks if there is any food, mentioning that Slippy went out to get some.
Sonic: Where the fuck are these aliens?Tails: There's nothing here. Let's just leave and- (a Facehugger latches onto him) Oh! Oh God! (cries for help)Sonic: Oh. I found it. It's on your face. (blasts it)Tails: Whew! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!? I think it laid a baby in my mouth!Sonic: At least you got to eat something.
- Sonic and Tails are soon sent inside an abandoned ship to hunt down Xenomorphs.
Tails: I'm actually starting to like these eggs. They've got kind of a nice smoky flavor to 'em.Sonic: Would it kill you to save me one?
- Tails continues to be attacked by Facehuggers while talking to Sonic. Eventually, Sonic gets fed up, and leaves the newest one on Tails' face.
Sonic: Aw, man! ALF! You're the Queen?!ALF: Hey, gimme a break! I haven't worked since the 90's (lays an egg) I've just been plopping out these alien eggs all day.
- The Xenomorph Queen happens to be, of all people, ALF.
Sonic: Alrighty! Mission accomplished! Now can we go get some food? (Tails begins groaning in pain, a Chestburster rips its way out of his torso)Tails: AUGH! KILL IT!! KILL IT!!! (Sonic blasts it)Sonic: You think we can grill that thing?
- Thankfully, Sonic kills ALF before he get into the specifics of his new job:
Sonic: When is this over? This ostrich spine up my butt is fucking killing me!Tails: (laughing enthusiastically) Just keep Jousting!Sonic: I'm not even Jousting! I'm just landing on their heads!
- Sonic and Tails have different reaction to the game-play of Joust:
Tails: Yes! Another egg!Eggman: Mmmm-Did somebody say "egg"?Jim: We were standing offscreen for an hour and a half. For that?Eggman: Aw, come on! It was worth it!
- How Eggman and Jim are brought back to the main cast"
Tails: Guys, stop fucking around! This is serious. Business. Now, get on your flying space ostriches, and help us fight those other flying space ostriches.Jim: Hey, Tails! Eat shit!Eggman: Yeah, you eat so much dick, your name should be...da-uh you sh- you're th- aw DAMMIT! I had something before! Alright, leave and come back in.
- Sonic telling the twosome that he and Tails patched things up, though he has been treating him like shit more often. He tells the others to join in:
Tails: Eh. This sucks. You guys wanna go get some food?Jim: I could eat.Sonic: Cool. (the three of them fly off. Eggman crawls out of the lava, )Eggman: (butt-naked) Hey! Bring me back an egg roll! Get it, guys? Egg Roll? Eggman- ah you guys don't get it. (sigh) You're ahead of your time, Eggman. Ahead of your time.
- Eggman's ostrich only being able to jump great distances due to his weight. This ultimately sends him into a lava pit that singes his clothes off.
- Blaster Master
Sonic: That stupid fox has to have some food in here somewhere! I say we cook up that fat fucker Eggman into a frittata!Tails: Ha ha-yeah! I'll be like a lion and eat the genitals first!Sonic: WHOA! WHAT?Tails: Lions. In the wild. They eat the genitals first, 'cause they're soft-Sonic: Get away from me, man. I don't know you.
- For this episode and this episode only, Tails gains an obsession/fetish with lions, making every scene featuring him a golden moment.
- Sonic and Tails are still looking for food on the Great Fox.
Tails: You see, lions-Eggman: Okay STOP! Stop! Look, there's a kid out here, uh, says he's the "Master Bator" or something. Said we need to give him a hand. Look, I don't know what you guys got planned, but uh, count me out.Tails: It's "Blaster Master", idiot.Sonic: That almost sounds worse!.
- When Eggman hears the mentioning of his junk being eaten, Sonic claims it was the "Iron Chef".
Sonic: None of us agreed on that last one. Tails is going through some weird lion issues.Eggman: So whaddya think? Awesome or SUPER-Awesome?Blaster Master: It's fucking ruined! Now I gotta go back to Earth and fight a bunch of mutants in this PIECE OF SHIT?! Ugh! Thanks for nothing, assholes! (drives away, Karma Chameleon blaring all the way)Jim: Hey. Are those all his weapons?Eggman: Yeah, I had to make room for all the fish tanks. Why, uh, do you think he'll need those?
- The montage of the guys giving Sophia a tune-up includes Jim and Eggman doing the work, Tails watching a lion documentary, (complete with eating of genitals) and Sonic punching him in the face.
- The guys reveal that Sophia has been turned into "one mean lesbian". He and the guys show off their contributions: From Eggman, an enormous leather recliner with cup holders in the cockpit, for rotisserie chickens and dipping sauces. From Jim, a kick ass sound system in the back that only plays "Karma Chameleon" by the Culture Club. And from Tails (and no one else) a "ferocious" lion head on the front.
- In The Stinger, Eggman is proved completely right, as the new and improved Sophia is blown up after failing to fire on an incoming mutant.
- Mother Brain
Sonic: I hate your fat, fucking guts, Eggman. But stealing cable from a satellite was a stroke of genius.Eggman: The key is to not make it look obvious. (cut to outside the Great Fox. The satellite giving the guys their cable is crudely hacked into, crudely connected to the ship, and has a picture of Eggman on it.)
- The guys have managed to find a TV and get some cable service on the Great Fox:
General Pepper: You didn't get the edible arrangements I sent you? They're fashionable and functionable!Tails: Yeah, I saw Eggman bring it into the bathroom.Eggman: YOU FUCKING SNITCH!!!
- General Pepper comes calling again, having another mission. Sonic on the other hand, is pissed because the General promised to send over some food.
Sonic: PLEASE don't be who I think it is.General Pepper: Now, it's female, but do not take it lightly!Sonic: It is. Goddammit! Yeah, she's huge and disgusting, but a surprisingly sweet lay.
- Turns out that the next mission is to murder a certain brain monster...
Mother Brain: Ooooohhh! Sonic! You up for another round of "Thrust, Thrust, Vomit"?Sonic: Uh yeah, I really wanna grind on those slimy folds and- nope can't do it. DIE, BITCH! (notices he's not holding anything) Ohhhhh, wow. We forgot our guns. We are really unprepared here.
- Sonic and Tails trying to divert Mother Brain's attention from the fact that they've been sent to kill her by claiming that Sonic wanted to "pop in for a quickie."
Soniqua: Daddy!Sonic: Soniqua, you're alive!Soniqua: Yeah, you were ranting on screen for like 45 minutes and-Sonic: Right, right, whatever. Look, help daddy out before he gets killed!
- Sonic tries to salvage the mission by lobbing Tails at Mother Brain's container, knocking him unconscious. As Mother Brain's Metroids close in, Sonic tries to rub one out before he dies. Until...
Mother Brain: Soniqua! Look what you did to my house! Bad girl! Or guy... still not too sure.Sonic: Yeah, sorry about that. Here, lemme make it up to you.
- Soniqua proceeding to help her father by growing 50 times her size and trashing Mother Brain's lair!!
Mother Brain: Oooohhh! Cable satellite! Swanky!General Pepper: I trust everything went off as planned- AW, WHAT THE FUCK!?
- The last scene of the episode reveals that Mother Brain, Soniqua, and the surviving Metroids have been taken on board the Great Fox.
Eggman: I wasn't gonna say "That's what she said", idiot. I was gonna say "That's what hesaid." That's a little more accurate.Jim: Well, "That's what she said" could work, if the "she" was a transvestite, or Tails, or a genderless-Tails: Oh my GOD! Shut up! I'm trying to watch my stories!
- The guys have finally found some food on the ship, though Sonic tells Eggman to keep it in his mouth. And threatens to throw him out into space if he keeps saying "That's what she said".
General Pepper: (to himself) Look at these fucking degenerates. Ahem. Excuse me?! Hello?Soniqua: Soniqua want ugly doggie!General Pepper: What the fuck is that? I feel like it's staring into my SOUL.
- General Pepper begrudgingly calls the guys again.
Eggman: We'll do it!Jim: What?Eggman: (hushed) I know where this is. There's a Buffalo Wild Wings like two galaxies over! We can stop for wings later!Jim: Oooh! Can I get a salad?Eggman: What the hell is a salad? Whatever. Hey, Droopy Face! We're in!
- The General tells Sonic that his next mission is to destroy an asteroid field. Eggman is the one who volunteers on this one, since Sonic mentions how space jobs sucks and he's still not getting paid.
Jim: C'mon Eggman. Fly around a bit. This is SOOOO LAAAAME.Eggman: No thank you. Remaining stationary and anticipating the asteroids is the key to destroying the most asteroids.
- Jim becomes bored when Eggman tries not to move when blowing up the asteroids.
Eggman: Great. Now what?Jim: Now we can just sit here until the sound effects let us know that the alien ship is gone. Then blow up the rest of the asteroids and we'll be elbow deep in buffalo chips in no time!Eggman: Hey, why's the ground so smooshy?Jim: What am I, a doctor?
- Jim hijacks the ship to hide in the crater of an enormous asteroid to hide from an alien ship shooting "periods" at them.
Space Worm: Aw, what the fuck, dude?! You blew up my space house! I just wanted to get some wings with you guys.Eggman: Oh. Sorry about that. Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh-
- Jim begs Eggman to shoot the giant alien worm they've disturbed. Unfortunately, the shot only destroys the asteroid it was living in.
Sonic: Jesus, Eggman! Even that monster doesn't make as much of a mess as you!Space Worm: Hey, I have a name! It's Frank.Sonic: Sorry, Frank.General Pepper: Well how did everything g- AW, C'MON!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?
- The end of the episode is similar to the ending of the last episode, with Eggman taking the space worm back to the Great Fox.
- Destroy Venom
Eggman: (after painfully sticking his hand in the fryer to get his wallet back) I'm gonna try to eat it!Sonic: Great, keep me posted.
- Just... Destroy Venom. This entire episode holds untold amounts of hilarious dialogue between the characters. Where to begin?
- Tails spends the entire episode jamming out to Gangnam Style.
- Eggman drops his wallet a deep-fryer on his ship.
Eggman: Oh my God! This wallet is delicious! Who's got blue cheese dressing?!
- Peppy and Slippy are also preoccupied, thanks to Slippy wearing his swimming gear in space.
- Eggman actually eating his now deep-fried wallet:
Sonic: Easy enough.Peppy: And then establish a working democracy.Sonic: Fuck! Uh, Jim, how are you at nation building?
- The mission today happens to be to eliminate a squadron of fighter jets surrounding the nearby planet of Venom.
Jim's only Tweet: Test. This is working.
- Jim mentions that he started an "Earthworm Jim Nation" online, having a grand total of 6 followers on Twitter.
Sonic: Who's idea was it to give him that tiny ship!?Mother Brain: I told him there's ''always'' room for a giant worm in ''my'' cockpit, but it was gonna ''cost'' him!Sonic: What the fuck?! Why is everything about revolting brain sex with you?Mother Brain: Who said anything about '''sex?''' I told him he could use my ship, but it would cost five dollars. He said he was a giant space worm and had no concept of money, so he took the small ship.
- We also get this dialogue after Sonic learns that Frank the Worm is dead, having suffocated in his tiny ship.
Peppy: I'm in!Slippy: I'm a frog!Eggman: Sounds good to me! (burns his hand) Agh! Dammit!Mother Brain: Ooooh! OK!Soniqua: (somehow riding on top of her Arwing) AVOTACO!Jim: Uh, aren't we supposed to battle it out with Venom or something?Sonic: BEAUTIFUL!
- Sonic, after thinking of a new strategy, gives a new suggestion to the gang: abandon the mission, eat 200 tacos, and tell General Pepper to go fuck himself.
Sonic: Last one to Espacios Tacos Locos is a rotten asteroid worm creature!
- This little bit of Black Comedy:
Earthworm Jim: ''His name was Frank.''
Sonic: Who cares?!
Tails (Still listening to Gangnam Style, seeing Frank's Arwing being destroyed): HOLY SHIT!!! Hey you guys better not be going to ESPACIOS TACOS LOCOS!
- And at the end ...
- Star Wars
Eggman: This is one lameass space battle.
- Eggman's reaction to Tatooine, as evidenced by the 10 billion metric tons of nothing happening.
Jim: Uh, guys? Deserts don't really work for me. I need some water or something, uh, some mud. Moist grass. Anything.
- Jim, being a worm in the middle of a desert, spends this episode constantly dehydrated.
Luke: So whaddya say these 5 studs go TEAR UP TATOOINE? WHAT WHAT!Eggman: Please tell me it involves several hundred swimming pools!Luke: Haha! Pools are illegal here!
- Luke Skywalker is depicted as being incredibly chipper and inches from killing himself on a daily basis. On account of nothing ever happening on his world.
Luke: Euuuuuhhh! Yeah, uh, I haven't had a whole lot of time to clean up. It's been super crazy around here. (vast shot of nothing happening)Tails: Yeah, right. All the... hustle and bustle.
- Sonic notices the burning remains of the Lars homestead.
Jim: C'mon guys! We passed like, 4 moisture vaporators! I'm drying and dying here!Sonic: Dryin' and dyin'!! Seriously though, we should probably get him some water.Luke: Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. We'll go in a minute. But first there's someone I want you to meet.Eggman: Meet what? The Desert's Vagina over here? It's gross, Luke. S'gross.
- Jim is still dehydrating, and looks worse than before.
Tails: Oh GOD! This is excruciating!Jim: Water...
- Luke and the Sarlacc have a lengthy discussion about sand. From a new dune that's building up near the Tosche Station, to Luke having sex with it.
Sarlacc: Space? Niiiccceeee! Hey, maybe you guys know my cousin, Frank. Big worm lookin' guy, kinda looks like me, but lives in an asteroid over near Bespin?Sonic: Nope never heard of him. Hey-hey! So, this planet's a neverending nightmare, so we're just gonna get out of here.
- Luke introduces the Sarlacc to the guys, mentioning that they're from outer space.
Sonic: Lemme think about this. So, now if I kill you, do I become a Jedi, or am I just a space fugitive? I mean, Solo's like a space fugitive, so that's pretty cool. But then I'd have to hang out with a Wookie, and I don't know about that- (Jim suddenly throws Luke and his Landspeeder into the Sarlacc's mouth, then shoots it at least 30 times)Jim: GIMME SOME FUCKING WATER!!!!!!!
- Then, after Luke asks Sonic to kill him, Sonic wonders if it's illegal to kill a Jedi, among other things:
- Rocket Knight Adventures
Sonic: Ah. I know there was a reason we bought this hot tub. But, I'm just so fucking relaxed , I can't remember it right now.Tails: Eggman, what the hell is that poking my leg?Eggman: Oh, don't worry about it, it's nothing! (beat) I just have an erection in my penis. (Eggman stands up, revealing a monster boner)Sonic and Tails: (jumping out of the tub) Oh God! (retching) Come on!Sonic: (talking to a dried up Jim) Oh, right! that's why we got this thing. You're all dried up from the desert! You're so stupid!Earthworm Jim: DON'T PUT ME IN THE BONER WATER! (gets put in the boner water) AAUGH, IT'S IN MY MOUTH!
- The guys have brought a hot tub onto the ship, for some reason...
Eggman: Yeah, you don't want me tagging along. This bad boy's gonna be here for at least uh... 4 to 6 hours.
- Sparkster asking somebody, other than Eggman, for help to save his world.
Jim: Who was that?Eggman: Oh, that's Sparkster. He's a Possum Knight.Tails: That's pretty dumb.Eggman: (dripping with sarcasm) Oh, I KNOW! Yeah! It's not something NORMAL like a, blue hedgehog, or a two tailed fox, or a talking worm!. Dipshits.
- Then, when Sparkster and Sonic head out:
Sonic: Hold on! What happened to the dogs? And the pigs? Who's this worm?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS GAME?!?!Sparkster: Uuuuuuuuhhhhhh, right, uuuuuuummmmmm.... all good questions! Let's go!
- Upon hearing that a land of possums is being invaded by an army of dogs lead by a lioness, Sonic mentions the weird direction that this mission is starting with.
- Later, when the dog soldiers are replaced with pigs, Sonic becomes even more confused, with Sparkster brushing him off.
- After that, while fighting a giant robot worm, the pigs have been replaced with lizards:
Sonic: (bluntly) Seriously, dude. What the fuck is going on?Sparkster: (breaks down) I'm so confu-hu-hu-hused! It started out fine, but then two totally different sequels came out at the same time and everything got all humbledy-jumbledy! Do you have any idea what it's like to have you image ruined by shitty games?!Sonic: Kinda. I turn into a werewolf or some shit in one game and- Look, let's just finish this stupid thing so you can pay me and I can get the fuck outta here.
- Upon discovering that "Generalissimo Lioness" is just a pig in a tank, Sonic gets fed up.
Sonic: All hail Generalissimo Lioness!"Generalissimo Lioness": Yaaaaaayyyy!
- Sparkster mentions that saving his world should be reasonable payment. Sonic shoots him in the head.
Tails: C'mon! Where's your team spirit?! It's a great change of scenery, we're getting some fresh deep space air, somehow, and we're doing some good!Sonic: Jim?Jim: Take that! (weakly slaps Tails)Sonic: Thanks, Bruiser.
- Tails spends this whole episode being incredibly optimistic.
Eggman: Right. Now, I can only assume by "Zerg" you mean "awesome", and by "assimilations" you mean "handjobs", yes?Marine: Yeah, pretty much! Well, no. They basically steal your DNA and then kill you.Eggman: Ok. Cool. Welp, it's been real. Have a great night, assholes! (begins running for his life)
- A Space Marine thanks the guys for their help, mentioning that they've been short on workers thanks to an increase in Zerg assimilations.
Eggman's Text: Yo! Bounce!Sonic's Text: ...Bounce?Eggman's Text: It means "leave".Sonic's Text: I hate you.Eggman's Text: Epic party! Don't tell stupid, asshole fox dick.
- Later, Sonic gets a text from Eggman:
Tails: Sonic, I don't think that's such a good-Sonic: Uh, Jim? (Jim weakly slaps Tails again)Tails: What is wrong with you?Jim: (dejected) A LOT.
- Sonic excuses himself to look for Eggman, actually to find that party:
Tails: You're a true hero, Tails! Huh. It's too bad those poor suckers are probably getting tortured and eaten by those Zergs.Sonic: Woohoo! Man, these fucking Zergs are the BEST!Marine: They look a little strange, though.Eggman: (chuckling) Yeah, this gaggle of Zergs jumped me, stole some of my DNA, and the next thing you know, we're deep-frying pizzas and chugging space beers! Right, boys?Zerg/Eggman Hybrids: EGGMAN RUSH!Eggman: I think that's all they can say.Zerg/Eggman Hybrids: EGGMAN RUSH!Earthworm Jim: That's gonna get old real quick.Zerg/Eggman Hybrids: EGGMAN RUSH!Sonic: And now I hate them.Marine: I'll take it from here! (proceeds to open fire on the Zerg horde, to Eggman's surprise)
- The Space Marine getting texted by Eggman, inviting him to the party. He also mentions to bring Jim, and leave Tails behind. The Marine feigns an emergency that Jim should accompany him to, and tells Tails to hold up an already stable wall. Hours soon pass:
Tails: I need to poo.
- The Stinger shows Tails in the middle of the night, still holding up the wall.
Tails: So, it's just a Canadian fucking a meat pie?Sonic: Yes.Tails: Why did you tell me this?Sonic: Because space blows and I like looking up weird shit on the internet.
- The beginning of this episode has Sonic telling Tails about something known as a "Montreal Meat Pie".
Space Cop: Alright, Shadow! We know you're in there! And we know that you just did some illegal shit!
- The Great Fox is revealed to have an ordinary front door inside, complete with a doorbell, surprising Tails.
- When Shadow asks the guys if he can stay with them, Sonic and Tails immediately suspect him of doing "illegal shit". Their theories carry evidence in the fact that Shadow is carrying a giant sack blatantly labeled "Stolen Shit". And the horde of Space Cops outside.
Shadow: OK! So maybe I lifted (empties the "stolen shit" bag) a couple of TVs, an Xbox 360, a shit-load of beer, and 50 pounds of weed. Oh, and uh, a bunch of Chaos Emeralds.Sonic: HOLY SHIT! XBOX!Tails: Uh, Sonic? You notice anything else important in that pile?Sonic: Yeah. You didn't grab any cables for the Xbox! Fuckin' amateur!Tails: The fuckin' CHAOS EMERALDS, you idiot!Sonic: What? Yeah. Shiny. Real cool.
- This gets Shadow to admit that he did steal a few things:
Space Cop: This is your last warning, Shadow! Come out now, or we'll start shooting your hostages! Is that- that doesn't sound right. Is that right?Shadow: (deep, gravelly voice) GO TO HELL, COPPER!Space Cop: No.
- The Space Cops begin closing in:
Eggman: OK! Somebody think of something quick! I've got a brown baby in my butt oven, and my contractions have already started!Jim: Butt oven??
- Eggman and Jim each have only one line in this episode, but both are just gold.
Super Sonic: Anyways, like I was saying... That's why they call it a "Montreal Meatpie"! (everyone, including the space cops minus Tails, laughs)Space Cop: Wacky Canucks!
- Tails formulates a complex plan that involves Sonic using the Emeralds to become Super Sonic, destroying the space cops, bringing the guys back to earth so they can bring Mario back to life so he can use his mob ties to sell Shadow's stolen weed, and letting the guys become rich and powerful. Of course, by the time he's done explaining, Super Sonic is already around, having used the Chaos Emeralds to power the Xbox without cables. And then letting the space cops come in and watching as they shot Shadow in the spine, leaving Tails to facepalm.
Tails: Successful?! We killed like, 40 innocent bystanders and, once again, I don't think we're getting paid.Sonic: Nobody likes you, Tails.
- Sonic and the guys return from Galaga to cook up some aliens they have captured to celebrate another successful mission.
Sonic: (laughs) What an incredible waste of time!
- Sonic calls Fox McCloud "Darth Vader", claiming not to be good with names, faces, places, or things.
- Tails asks Fox where he and Falco have been all this time. Fox mentions that he and Falco were on Earth, and became movie stars thanks to the help of a certain "weird, pink, penis-looking guy."
Mother Brain: Ooooooh! Come here, and give Mother Brain a pounding headache!
- Fox heads out to see how the guys have trashed his ship... and is petrified to find Mother Brain in the bathtub.
Peppy: Slippy! You- you alright there, buddy?Slippy: (unfazed) Sure! Hot dogs sound great right now!Falco: OK, that didn't really work. But you get the idea!Sonic: Not really. I mean, isn't Space Frog on your team?Falco: Whatever! There's only one way to settle this!Eggman: FAMILY FEUD!
- Falco tries to assert the group into leaving the ship by firing his blaster... only for the shot to miss and blast off Slippy's leg.
Eggman: (over the intercom) OK, Sonic. Press the red button late in the race to give your ship a little extra edge.Sonic: Perfect! Couldn't help yourself with the deep fryers there, huh?Eggman: Roger that.
- Sonic goes to Eggman to see if he can add some extra modifications to his Arwing to help win the space race, and mentions specifically that he doesn't want any deep fryers. Eggman builds the modifications exceptionally well, but still places 4 to 5 deep fryers in the cockpit.
Fox: You fuckers are gonna pay for this! Right after I down half a dozen roofies and wash the disgusting brain sex off of me.
- The modifications made to Sonic's Arwing take out Falco's by crushing it, shooting it, punching it, and at one point, humping it, before it gets blown up by a bomb. All before Peppy says "GO!"
- The Stinger shows that Fox is not taking this incident lying down:
- Space Chicken
Eggman: Shirtless beach volleyball! I call "Slider"!Fox: (intensely) I call Iceman!Sonic: We're not playing beach volleyball! That's fucking ridiculous! Where are we gonna get a regulation net at this hour?
- Fox proposes settling the matter like real fighter pilots.
Sonic: You're on! Whoever swerves first has to leave the ship and buy the other guy a bucket of chicken! That's why they call this game Chicken, right?
- Sonic suggests having another space race, but Fox sees through the trick, changing the game to Space Chicken instead.
Eggman: I've got a PhD and a huge laboratory.Tails: Yeah, and I still have like shitloads of money from Cash Explosion.Jim: You think I can crash at your place for a while?Eggman: Oh yeah, sure! Hey, we should form an alliance of super villains and heroes and change the world forever! Or, buy a quesadilla truck and make quesadillas! (everyone agrees, but Sonic is silent)
- Tails grows tired of the madness and wants Sonic to just give the ship back and go home. Sonic claims that nothing is waiting for him back on Earth except his crappy apartment and more shitty jobs. Everyone else on the other hand:
Sonic: Don't you realize that next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be at another school. Our parents want the bestest stuff for us. But right now they gotta do what's best for them. Because it's their time. Their time, up there! But down here, it's our time. Our time! And that's all over the second we ride up on Troy's bucket.Tails: What the fuck are you talking about?Sonic: I don't know, it's from Goonies. I thought it would relate.
- Sonic tries to persuade everyone to stay with him by using some rather familiar words of encouragement:
Thunderhead: Hey, hey, hey! Took me forever to find you fuckin' guys, but look who joined the par-tay!!!Tails: We're goin' back home.Thunderhead: Fuck!
- Sonic tells Fox that the guys are going home, when Thunderhead shows up.
Jim: Uh, why couldn't we just take our own ships?Sonic: It's easier this way.Tails: For what?Sonic: To play Space Chicken!! (cue dramatic sting and Oh, Crap!! faces from Sonic's friends)
- Sonic has crammed everyone else into his Arwing to go home. Except Soniqua. She rides on the top again.
Fox: Oh, it's the best man! Fox poon as far as the eye can see!General Pepper: Oh, I am SO there!
- The brief transmission between Fox and General Pepper before being contacted by Sonic.
Sonic: So, uh... who wants to watch some poster?
- Sonic flying into the Great Fox at ramming speed... only to harmlessly bounce off and spiral back to Earth, crash landing in his apartment.
- Chrono Trigger
Tails: Oh! Oh my GOD! What is this, SAW?!Sonic: It's either Tom Berenger... or a cow giving birth. Either way, we've officially bottomed out.
- Sonic has gotten more posters in his apartment since last season. When Tails asks him to change from his standard Gerald Wilkins poster, he puts up a poster of Ma$e, which Tails claims to have seen 50 times. Their reaction to a poster of an old Tom Berenger, however:
Sonic: What the fu- Why wasn't I invited?!Tails: Nobody wanted to see your stupid, fucking face after that whole Space Chicken thing! (SPACE CHICKEN!!)
- When Sonic asks Tails why they aren't at his mansion, Tails mentions that he threw a "crazy, Jesse Pinkman style" party for three days, and mentioning that the place needs some time to air out from a phenomenon dubbed "disgusting Eggman meth sex".
Sonic: Tom Berenger used to be awesome, like me! But now he's just a joke, like... you. Plus he looks like if Mickey Rourke and Val Kilmer had a baby. And that baby got horrible plastic surgery.Tails: You wanna get... plastic surgery? I don't understand.Sonic:No, you idiot! I'm gonna travel back in time so I can stop myself from tanking my career and blowing all my money!Tails: Yeah. Seems like there's gonna be a lot of holes in this season's story-line.Sonic: Eh. Just go with it.
- Sonic suddenly has an epiphany that he his Tom Berenger:
Sonic: Those are some ugly, fucking... Oh, shit.Lucca: Yeah. Look familiar? You knocked me up and left me with the Wonder Twins over here. You owe me some serious child support.Sonic: Riiiight. Yeah. I already have a kid, and she's literally a monster.
- Sonic meets Lucca, and hears that she and Crono have started a family. With disturbingly hedgehog-like children.
Past!Lucca: Hurry up, Sonic. I'm waiting for you!Past!Eggman: I'm on my way, (sticks head out of the door) sugar tits!Sonic: Problem solved! Now to save my career!
- Before going back in time to save his career, Sonic tries to stop himself from having children with Lucca. The first couple of times aren't successful, as Sonic immediately plows her upon hearing her voice. What does he do on the third attempt? Call Past!Eggman to dress up as him.
- Sonic Knuckles
90's!Knuckles: C'mon! Let's throw ourselves into the engine and blow it up! Throwin' and blowin'!Sonic: Throwin' and blowin'? That was never a thing.90's!Knuckles: DON'T GO THERE, BEYOTCH!Sonic: Aaannnddd, the novelty's worn off.
- 90's!Knuckles endlessly spouting tired 90's slang whenever he's onscreen.
90's!Eggman/Robotnik: This isn't the end of the Robotnikmeister! I've got an army of Badniks, a top notch laboratory with a flawless septic system, not to mention my perfectly fitting cotton dockers. I vow to destroy you and become the most feared mad scientist in ALL THE WORLD! (obnoxious laughter)
- 90's Eggman (or Robotnik, as he's still called here) is an almost parallel version of our Eggman:
90's!Tails: Okay. Well, what happens to me?Sonic: (deadpan) You got rich and famous by doing nothing.90's!Tails: AWESOME! Why would I want to mess with that?!Sonic: Uuuuhhh... It's because, uhhh... You know Brandy?90's!Tails: Right.Sonic: Well, you fuck her brother and you video tape it.90's!Tails: Who, Ray J?Sonic: And everyone sees it, and you become super popular for some reason.
- Before leaving, Sonic tells 90's!Knuckles that defeating 90's!Eggman/Robotnik is as good as it gets for him, as he owns a certain fast food joint that Sonic burns down with a crack-pipe in the future.
- Sonic telling 90's Tails about the "far off" year of 2013, mentioning that a black president is in office, cell phones have evolved so that people can do tons of cool stuff on them, and that a bunch of celebrities have gotten rich and famous by doing nothing.
Sonic: FUCK! Uuuuuuuhhh... OH! I know! Put the money in Microsoft and Apple, and find some weirdo named "Zuckerberg" and get him laid or something. I'm going to talk to some video game people to make sure we get in the right games, and when we get back, we'll be rich to the EXTREME!! BLANG, BLANG! DAMMIT!! I gotta get out of the 90's!
- 90's!Tails mentions that Sonic is too late to get his money back, as he's already invested it into the Dreamcast.
Sonic: Aw, FUCK YEAH!! This is more like it!
- Sonic's altering of the timestream turns his crappy apartment into a mansion the size of a skyscraper.
"President" Potato: (drunkenly, at the podium) Hello, U- U.S.America! Where the hell is my martini bucket?! I gotta take a crap. (passes out)Sonic: Hmm. This should be interesting.
- Sonic taking a look at the paintings in his new home, mentioning that he should've added more erotica. Not to mention Thunderhead being frozen in carbonite.
- Due to Sonic's time travelling, the President of the United States is, off all people, Princess Potato.
- Streets of Rage
Amy Rose: Hi, Sonic! It's time to get married!Sonic: WHAT?!?Amy Rose: That's right! It's time for me and all the maids to marry all the half used ketchup bottles so you don't get any ketchup water on your Bacon, Egg, & Cheese sandwiches!Sonic: Oh. Well that's a weird way of saying it! Just say "Ketchup Combo Time" like a normal person!
- Sonic wakes up in his new home, surprised that the Butterfly Effect hasn't screwed anything up:
Sonic: This is amazing! Bacon, Egg, and Cheese!! Oh, and B Js!
- Sonic's schedule for the day is apparently a Victoria's Secret BJ Bonanza party at 8am, followed by breakfast and cartoons.
Sonic: Oh, BEAUTIFUL!!!
- A stock market program in the new reality reveals that Apple has developed an electronic vibrator known as the iVibe. It makes the company's stock soar up 5000 points, somehow making Sonic a gazillion more dollars.
Tails: Look, Mr. X, I'll get you your money! I just need a few more days!Sonic: What?! It's me, Sonic!Tails: Sonic?! Oh, Thank God! You gotta come down here and help me out!Sonic: What the hell is going on? Who's Mr. X? Why are you broke?! And what channel is HBO in this alternate reality?!! My guide isn't working!!!!Tails: I'm in Streets of Rage. It's right across from the Boulevard of Broken- Hey!! Get the hell away from there!! THAT'S MY PISS JAR!! Sorry. Boulevard of Broken Crack Pipes. Hurry!Sonic: I'm on my way!
- Sonic decides to call Tails to see how he's doing:
Sonic: You're fucking kiddin' me! This is all I have!? Uhhh! I guess it'll have to do.
- Sonic preparing to bust out his sweet ride. The only thing in his garage? A pink tricycle!
Enemy #1: Hey, Big Ben! Look at the girl on her little bike!Big Ben: MMMM! She looks good enough to eat!Sonic: Big Ben? I'm guessing you're not the football player. Either way, it looks like I'm about to get sexually assaulted.
- Immediately after Sonic leaves, Amy Rose notices that he apparently hasn't been in the "girly-tricycle garage" in years. He ironically missed the way cooler "superhero vehicle Garage".
- A pair of enemies take notice of Sonic's tricycle:
Sonic: Aw, FUCK YEAH!!! Gazillionaire Sonic is the TITS!
- Sonic's tricycle is revealed to have a massive cannon hidden inside, which Sonic uses to blow up the thugs.
Sonic: Okay. So time travel fucked up your life. And possibly turned you into Andrew Garfield for a while.
- Tails mentions that he did everything Sonic told him to do in the past... only for Mark Zuckerberg to screw him out of his stock, having to star in a Spiderman reboot, and ending up giving sexual practices known as "tailjobs" on the streets for food.
Sonic: Uhhh... y'know what? Yyyyyou can just take a shower at my place.
- Sonic says that Tails can help him return to the past and beat up Zuckerberg with him, if he showers first. Cue two women named Electra and Stretch Mark giving Tails a "spit shower".
Sonic: FUCKIN EGGMAN!''
- The end of the episode reveals that the Epoch has been stolen. Sonic ponders who could've done it, when Tails discovers a clue: a half-eaten deep fried wallet!
90's!Knuckles: Whoa! Eggman just did some hittin' and splittin'!Past!Sonic: OK, that wasn't terrible, but PLEASE stop doing that.
- After arriving back in Sonic & Knuckles, Eggman gets the drop on Past!Sonic and 90's!Knuckles, then goes off to conquer the world.
Sonic: OK! I get it! Who would've thought the worst part of time Travel was having to constantly explain what's happening?
- When Tails senses that Eggman has changed the future, he begins to explain the Butterfly Effect to Sonic, only for Sonic to cut him off.
Sonic: Aaaaaand I'm broke.
- Sonic, getting an alert on his phone, watches as his fortune plummets from 600 million dollars, to 60 cents.
Sonic: OH MY GOD!!Fat!Eggman: Hello, Sonic.Sonic: Kathleen Turner ate Eggman! You crazy bitch! Loved you in Romancing the Stone by the way.
- Sonic and Tails head off to confront Eggman, only to make a gross discovery:
Fat!Eggman: Before I knew it, I needed Crabmeat to wipe my ass.Crabmeat: (cheerful) Hey, either one of you guys wanna murder me? You'd be doing me a huge fucking solid!
- Tails is only 80% sure that Eggman's not Kathleen Turner.
- When Tails asks Eggman what he did to himself, Eggman mentions that on top the money, fame, and power, he invented the taco sandwich: two tacos for bread, and between that, ten tacos.
Sonic: Bubsy?! You stole the Epoch?!Crash: Uh, actually it's Crash Bandi-Sonic: Ugghh! Shut up, Bubsy!
- Sonic mistaking the person who stole the Epoch from Eggman, Crash Bandicoot, for Bubsy.
- Crash Bandicoot
Crash: Whatever that fat tub of fat Eggman did in the past made me the biggest thing since Torn-With-Your-Hands-Bread!Sonic: You mean sliced bread?Crash: What is a "sliced bread"?Sonic: You're telling me that you don't have sliced bre-... time travel's so annoying!
- This episode showcases the Butterfly Effect in action.
Crash: It'll be like I'm you, and you're that bisexual rabbit that always follows you around!Sonic: Tails is a rabbit?
- Crash offers to take Sonic along on a "job".
Sonic: Is the job to bore me to death? Because you're very good at it.
- Sonic and Crash arrive in Pong. Sonic is unimpressed by the simplistic game style.
Sonic: "Bandicoot Makeover?" Is that the sex move where you spin dash behind the girl and she jams emeralds up yourCrash: No way, Bro'se! Check this out! (reskins Pong into Crash Bandicoot Pong) Presto! Another job well done!Sonic: This is fucking terrible! Step aside, Crash Banjo-Kazooie. Time to give this game the Sonic Touch! Not the sex move.
- Turns out that Crash's job is to give games "a Bandicoot makeover".
Crash: Oh man! What the hell did you do!?Sonic: I made it awesome! Come on, I got another game I want you to fix up.Crash: I... should probably fix this first...Sonic: No way, Bro'se! FUCK! Now you got me saying it!
- Sonic proceeds to reskin Crash Bandicoot Pong into Sonic & Pong, complete with dancing neon women, chili dogs, flying toasters, and the burning remains of Crash's reskin.
Sonic: You either give me what I need, or this switch'll stay on until they turn the power off for lack of payment on the bill!Crash: No, stop! I'll tell you! I'll tell you! It's it's in my garage!Sonic: Hmm! I probably should've checked there first. Okay, I believe you. (dramatic zoom in, voice reminiscent of Liam Neeson) But that won't save you! (pulls the lever and leaves)
- Sonic takes Crash to an isolated cabin in Metal Slug, torturing him with an electric chair until he tells him where he's hidden the Epoch.
Sonic: I tried to make this as close to Taken as possible. I think I did a good job, right? (Crash can't respond due to the electrocution) Fine. Don't answer me, dick.
- As Crash dies from electrocution, Sonic comes back to have his performance reviewed:
Fat!Eggman: Look at me! I'm wasting away into nothing! NOTHING!!!!Sonic: Why am I friends with this dummy?!
- Fat!Eggman seems to be turning delirious, most likely since the excess fat is cutting off air to his brain.
Future!Eggman: Prepare to die, Son-... Whoa. What uh, the hell happened to boxing glove guy?
- 90's!Knuckles reaction to Sonic beating him to saying "Don't go there, Beeyotch!": he gets so confused that his mind literally blows up.
Sonic: SWEEEEEEEEET EMOOOOOOTIOOOOOONSSS!!!! BAP BA-Wai-wait. That's not right.
- Sonic "trying" to sing "Sweet Caroline".
Tails: It's like how Daniel Craig is the real James Bond. And you're like Pierce Brosnan's... mongoloid nephew, Jojo Brosnan.Sonic: Okay, that was a bit harsh.
- Sonic discovering that Thunderhead has been posing as him, since his time travelling has made him become missing for years. Everyone now believes that the viking is actually Sonic.
Tails: Uh, Sonic? You may wanna check this out!President Potato: (on TV) I just traveled through time! And now I want Pop-Tarts.Mario: (popping up from behind the Presidential podium) Guess who's back, motherfuckers!Sonic: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkk.
- Sonic challenges Thunderhead to prove he's the real Sonic by spin dashing, but Thunderhead thinks that spin dashing involves "tweaking on bath salts and dry-humping JC Penneys mannequins". Tails has to clear this up with him. Twice.
- Thunderhead absolutely failing to spin dash like Sonic, breaking one of the bottles of wine in his ass.
- The reveal that Mario is alive again.
- The Avengers
Boba Fett: I'm a clone! Did you know that? I'm like a suped up Stormtrooper.
- Ghost Rider setting Dog the Bounty Hunter's hair on fire. And as for Boba Fett...
Sonic: Hey, Eggman! Food's here!Eggman: FOOOOOOOOOD!!!! (comes running up to them) FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!Sonic: Here's your man!Ghost Rider: Didn't you just call him "Eggman"?Sonic: Did I, Sonic the Hedgehog, just call Eggman "Eggman?" No! Eggman's your Sonic!Boba Fett: ...Get him?
- Sonic fooling the bounty hunters into thinking that Eggman is Sonic.
Sonic: Thanks, Narrator!Tails: (looking directly at the screen) Cut to a new scene.
- After the bounty hunters are disposed of, Eggman is still concerned about where the food is.
- Tails summarizing the reason that the bounty hunters came.
Hulk: You know, I was thinking... why are we called, "The Avengers?" What are we "avenging"? You know, I just met you guys. (awkward silence) Oh, sorry, (in his usual speech and deep voice) Hulk no understand name. Hulk can- You know what? Fuck you guys. I'm outta here.Captain America: Calm down, you fucking spaz! We're "avenging" the Earth. God, he's so touchy!Mario: Uh, Hey! You're the Avengers, right?Capt. America: Okay, okay! I get it! We didn't name the group! Talk to Eye-patch about it!
- The Hulk is not as dumb as he looks:
Iron Man: Yeah. She's about as useless as Katniss over here!Hawkeye: FUCK YOU!
- Mario want to know what's going on with Black Widow, who's seen apparently twerking at the robot soldiers the Avengers are fighting.
Tails: SHIT. Uh...Where'd they just take Sonic?Hawkeye: I don't know! Who cares?! Ugh. I hate those guys.Eggman: Yeah, I'm sure they hate you, too. You're like the Aquaman of the group.
- The Avengers go on their lunch break... leaving the robots they were fighting to continue destroying the city.
- The end of the episode has the Hulk grabbing Sonic and running.
- Return of the Plumber
Sonic: Mario, before you make your point- Ha! Man, I fucking kill myself! Remember , 'cause I killed you on those pointy spikes! Anyway Mustache, I- (is shot dead)Mario: Man, I fuckin' hate that guy.
- Sonic's last words before his death:
Eggman: Yeah! I think I just splooged my undies! Oh, and I- I think I felt something uh... I guess? I dunno. It was like a pinch, right?
- Tails, Jim, and Eggman are suddenly feeling the effects of Sonic's death. Tails and Jim compare the sensation to forms of relief, while Eggman compares them to something else.
Mario: But for some reason, I still feel, completely unfulfilled. (switches on the TV to Charles in Charge and sways with the theme music) Ah. There we go. That's better.
- Mario thinks to himself how good his life is right now, since he can travel through time, bang the leader of the free world, and has just killed his nemesis.
Tails: I wonder where Sonic is. He'd love this. He'd be all like "I love this."Jim: (manning the Tiki bar) Uh, didn't we let him get abducted by Mario, who wanted bloody revenge?Eggman: (swimming) Aw, I'm sure they worked it out. Mario may come across as one of those brooding, murderous psychopaths, but uh, something tells deep down, that he's just a big softy.Tails: Even so, maybe I should try and find him. I mean, sure we've had our differences, but in the end, it's about looking out for others, doing what's right, and being the best- (doorbell rings) Oh, shit! Pizza's here!
- The newscaster comparing the sudden declaration of world peace after Sonic's death to Thebus and the curse of the Sphinx before being asked to dumb it down, changing the analogy to Papa Smurf thwarting Gargamel, complete with an image of Papa Smurf stabbing Gargamel in the gut with a sword.
- Among the images of the world peace celebration, there is a ceremony displaying Red and Blue displaying a double thumbs up, Pac-Man and Blinky shaking hands,... and Barney the Dinosaur hugging a squirming Beavis and Butthead.
- Mario uses the Epoch to revive his dead goons, telling them to rob, murder, and plunder. Well, the first two. He wants to hold off on the plundering until he can figure out what it is exactly.
- While Mario's goons attack Dream Land, Pit, still an eggplant, repeatedly walks into a wall.
- Sonic's friends coping to their loss with a pool party.
Soniqua: WHERE MARIO AT?
- Soniqua has started a bloody rampage to find Mario.
- Soniqua Mad
Soniqua: Mario killed my father. And now I'm gonna kill every motherfucker he sent out there, and then turn that greasy meatball into a GREASY BALL OF MEAT!!! (hits a cow with her car)
- Soniqua spoofs Kill Bill in the opening:
Tails: Oh... What's with all the screams and spooky dark clouds?Jim: Oh. Right. Uhhh. We gotta turn the clocks back.Eggman: Stupid farmers!
- The sudden appearance of dark clouds above the pool from the last episode leaves everyone confused. It helps since they're already hungover:
Mario: Ah! There's no pissing like corpse pissingPrincess Potato: (comes in) This guy at the door wanted money for his package. Oh, and this box came for you. Oooh, a pissing corpse.
- Tails theorizes that Sonic and Mario solved their issues in a calm and mature fashion. Cut to Mario laughing heartily while pissing on Sonic's body.
Mario: Potato, did you do this again? (Potato, already unconscious, lets out a long fart) Somethin' tells me it's not her.
- The box Mario gets contains Bowser's severed head and a death threat with bad grammar.
Mario: I am bored. (beat. The ticking of a clock is heard) That is a LOUD clock. Shut the fuck up, clock.
- After the montage of Soniqua murdering Sonic's goons, Mario becomes bored.
Soniqua: WHERE'S DADDY?!Mario: Daddy's busy at the moment. He's a toilet now.
- Soniqua confronts Mario at last:
Mario: Peanut butter and bread. Works every time. Works great on squirrels, too. (cut to a large group of squirrels in the corner of the room) Now that's a lot of squirrels. Oh well. Ahhh, life is good. (turns the TV on to another classic TV show theme song. He and some squirrels begin swaying their heads)
- Soniqua gets ready to kill Mario, but is distracted by peanut butter and bread and trapped in an electric cage.
- Flaming Bag of Poop
Mario: OK, seriously. Nothing can kill this bitch?! This couldn't possibly be worse! (Soniqua vomits lava onto Luigi, incinerating him) Well shit.
- Mario tries dunking Soniqua in lava to kill her, though it doesn't work.
Eggman: Wait, why are we outside Mario's again?Jim: Something about saving Sonic? Does that sound right?Tails: Yeah, that- that 'sounds like something we doing. But- but then why did we bring this flaming bag of dog shit?!Jim: Oh, right! Ring the doorbell, Mario sees the bag, and he stomps it out!Eggman: (cackling madly) YES!! (chugs from his bottle, then sighs forlornly) I used to be a scientist.
- This episode appears to have the guys finally rescue Sonic, but it turns out that they're just there to perform the old "flaming poo bag" prank on Mario:
- A little later, the guys have put the bag on Mario's doorstep. Now they just need to know when to ring the bell. The building is becoming engulfed in flames from the bag.
Soniqua: AVOCADO!!Mario: That's it!! I'm putting my plans of world domination or whatever the hell it was that I was supposed to be doing on hold, so I can kill you! Bring out: Bullet Bowser. (a Bill Blaster is wheeled in) FIRE! (a bullet with Bowser's head fires, and travels at a snail's pace) Oh, shit! FIRE! FIRE!
- Mario gives Soniqua a box of avocados, hoping she can stop saying the word long enough to die.
Jim: Now, Mario, stomp on the poo.
- Sonic's friends have gotten inside the office, and throw another bag of poo on the floor.
Mario: (in the cockpit) Time for this time machine... to fly. Because time sure flies. Wait, shit there was something cool there, hang on a sec- (notices Bullet Bowser) OH SHIT!!!! (building explodes)Everyone: SHIT.
- After rescuing Soniqua and collecting Sonic's corpse, Tails asks the guys to find the Epoch. Only problem is that Mario has it:
- Things Get Messy
Eggman: (bluntly) Sonic's dead and we destroyed the Epoch with a flaming bag of dog shit. You got any other spaceship-time machines laying around?Lucca: Oh, yeah! Crono's got a whole garage filled with'em. Follow me.
- Lucca stubbornly asks what the guys are doing in Chrono Trigger, so Tails tries to flatter her. When he gets carried away with the flattery, Eggman steps in:
Eggman: That is one ugly little kid.
- Despite all the temporal insanity, one thing hasn't changed: Lucca's new child. The one who wears no pants and has a mustache.
Lucca: I'm starting to think Crono's a hoarder.
- Upon noticing multiple time machines in Crono's garage, Lucca begins having concerns about her husband.
Jim/Yoshi: I'm guessing none of us went to the exact same date.Tall!Tails: I told you this would fuck things up! So nobody went back and saved Sonic, right? FUCK!!!
- After multiple time travel trips at once turn Tails incredibly tall, Eggman into a baby, and Jim into Yoshi, the gang realizes they've fucked up.
Sonic: (sarcastically) Yeah, thanks for that, assholes! Now, I have no idea what happened! All I know is I woke up with Mario's cock in my mouth. (the guys are disgusted) Yeah, whatever you guys did made Mario into a chicken farmer, and while I was sleeping, one of his roosters must've mistaken my mouth for his food dish.Jim/Yoshi: That seems like a long way to go for a dick joke.Sonic: Fuck you, Yoshi!
- Sonic is revealed to be alive again. Tall!Tails questions how he's still alive, since no one stopped Mario from shooting him:
Jim/Yoshi: Fuck YOU! I'm not staying like this!
- After an unusual temporal shift flashes back to past episodes in the series and turns Sonic's mansion back into his crappy apartment, Tall!Tails is greatly concerned about what just happened, though Sonic brushes it off and asks who wants to get Thai food.
Wario/Sonic: OK, let's fix this.
- The ending of the episode has another temporal disturbance have Sonic transform into Wario.
- This Can't Be Good
Jim/Yoshi: I call drums!
- Wario/Sonic mentions that he likes he and his friends being a band of temporal freaks, hoping to start a band with the guys... much like the deformed weirdos who make up the band Vampire Weekend.
Wario/Sonic: Dude, you can't say "You're not gonna like this" and think we're gonna do it! You gotta be like: "You'll love this! It's got booze, sluts, and fish tacos both hard and soft shell!"Tall!Tails: Do I need to remind you that you look liiiike (reaches offscreen for a mirror) THIS?Wario/Sonic: Alright, genius. What's the plan?
- Tall!Tails has an idea to help things get back to normal, but mentions that Wario/Sonic may not like it.
Baby!Eggman: FUCKED. UP.
- Before the guys go back in time to fix the timeline, Jim/Yoshi has something he wants to try first. He swallows Baby!Eggman and watches him hatch out of an egg.
Baby!Eggman: Us?! You literally wear boxing gloves all the time.
- The guys reliving the first few episodes includes everyone stealing from the house in Paperboy and Baby!Eggman and Tall!Tails holding Wario/Sonic's arms so Mike Tyson can punch him.
- Sonic and Co. getting high from the Toejam & Earl hallucination is funnier than it was the first time. Bonus points for Baby!Eggman being naked and leaving a dark puddle on the ground and Jim/Yoshi with bloodshot eyes rocking in a fetal position.
- Knuckles breaks the timeline by questioning on the guys' appearances. Baby!Eggman tops him on that.
Peter Pepper: I need more mutant pickles to murder.Knuckles: Fuck off! I'm outta here!
- Knuckles decides to ditch his job at Burgertime to head off with the guys, mentioning that the chef is an asshole.
Both Sonics: (simultaneously) This can't be good.
- The end of the episode has everyone arriving back at the end of Sonic & Knuckles. The good news is: they're all back to normal. The bad news is: they've just discovered temporal duplicates of Sonic, Knuckles, and Eggman.
Tail: Yeah, no, this isn't right. We gotta kill our other selves before things start to go crazy.Sonic(?): (already snapping the neck of his clone(?))' Kill what now?
- Knuckles doesn't have any problems with the temporal clones, digging the boxing gloves his is wearing, despite the fact that he's wearing the same ones.
Eggman: Aw, man, I think a bird just shit on my head! No, wait, that's good luck!Tails: Uh, that was a pixel, I think the world is starting to fall apart! Jim, we gotta hurry up and kill ourselves!Sonic: Yes! Finally!Tails: I meant the other versions of us.Sonic: Aw.
- A clump of the sky falls onto Eggman, leading Tails to discover that all the time traveling and temporal clone killing is causing all of reality to crumble.
Tails: What the FUCK, Jim! You're supposed to kill'em!Jim: I tried, but... (Jim's past self begins flexing) he's just 'so damn good looking.Sonic: Don't tell me you-Baby Worms: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!Jim: We wormholed each other.
- During their trip to kill the past Earthworm Jim, Sonic finds out that Bob the Killer Goldfish is still dead.Sonic: Hmm, that stupid fish is still dead.
- Jim and his past self step on screen together.
Drawing!Eggman: Oh my GOD, I FUCKING LOVE THIS!!! This is the best! Look at how skinny I am!
- As part of the breakdown of reality, Sonic and the crew are suddenly placed in the real world, turned into crayon drawings taped onto spoons in a sandbox.
Eggman: Now, is Jim having sex with himself considered gay, or masturbation?
- Eggman has a burning question he needs answered before reality collapses:
Fat!Kirby: Hey, guys! I haven't seen you in like, 2 years! Things have kinda gone south for me here- whereareyougoingi'llfuckingkillyou!
- While running through the collapsing universe, the guys pass an extraordinarily fat Kirby.
Tails: Uh, this probably isn't the best time for this, but, uh, I never got a chance to... kill myself. I was kinda looking forward to that.
- Right before everything collapses, Tails expresses a regret.
Pixel!Sonic: Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnndddddd, you're welcome.
- Sonic saves the day thanks to a Deus Ex Machina: going over to a giant Genesis in his apartment and pressing the "Reset" button. It leaves everyone as different colored squares floating in a white void.
- At the Lowbrow screen, Pixel!Sonic tells viewers that the final season of the show will be airing later in the year, and asks them to comment on how they think the series should end. Pixel!Sonic mentions that his personal choice would be some kind of "hooker lotto jackpot."
Pixel!Knuckles: Alright, I'm gonna go kill myself.Pixel!Sonic: Good luck!
- The first few seconds of this episode:
Pixel!Eggman: "This sounds smart. Hmm. I like this."
- Pixel!Eggman has managed to have gotten fatter in the middle of total nothingness by eating atoms.
- Not to mention Pixel!Eggman's reaction to the idea of rebuilding the entire world using his shit.
Pixel!Eggman: Here ya go, Jim! Have at it!Pixel!Jim: Aw, like, somehow that smells much worse than what I imagined! (sighs) Here I go! (nudges the brown square) Oh God! I know it doesn't look like it, but this is so fucking gross!
- Pixel!Eggman relinquishes his fresh shit to Pixel!Jim.
Pixel!Eggman: Please for the love of God, one of those bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches with doughnut bread!Pixel!Sonic: Moron, you have to be sensible! Fifty kajillion pixels and an army of Kate Upton builders!... One pixel? (another pixel appears)
- When a pixel appears out of nowhere because Pixel!Sonic called for help, Pixel!Eggman has his own demands:
Pixel!Sonic: Must you narrate everything we do?
- Pixel!Tails mentioning that the guys can still build themselves up again if they make the right demands.
8-Bit!Jim: We look like we all have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome!
- The guys have managed to build themselves up to 8-bit. Jim is not used to such a sensation.
8-Bit!Sonic: Aw, dammit! Stupid pixel legs! I HATE THIS PLACE!
- 8-Bit!Sonic trying to pull of a spindash, only for his shoddy new legs to break off.
8-Bit!Eggman: Oh, don't be mad because you wasted your pixels on stupid legs. Behold:Giant Pixel Dick!
- Eggman has made a "little" modification to his new body.
8-Bit!Eggman: OH,DAMMIT! I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE! (shits twice)8-Bit!Jim: OH GOD! 8-Bit shit smells so much worse!!!!!
- Said Giant Pixel Dick is destroyed moments later.
- Back to Work
Tails: Yeah. I'm also glad that we agreed to never discuss the logistics of how we managed to do this. (he and Sonic gaze at the screen)
- The guys finish building reality. Sonic mentions how miraculous it was that everything was fixed in a week.
Sonic: FUCK! We're right back to having shitty lives! So now what?Eggman: Why don't we go back into space?!Jim: No! We've already done that! Let's go to Hollywood! I've always wanted to become a famous actress, get a serious drug problem, then make a comeback.Tails: No, we've already done the whole Hollywood th- did you say "actress"?Jim: What? No.
- Sonic is hyped that things are back to the way they were, and are better than ever... until he notices he and the guys are back at his place.
Tails: Oh. Right. We... still have to hang out together.Sonic: Oh. Yeah.
- Sonic guesses that the guys have already done possibly everything that they could do. He suggests that everyone goes back to their old games and return to their old lives. All the guys head out... except for one:
Psy-Crow: I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!Jim: Yeah, I know! You've been yelling that nonstop for the past two hours.Psy-Crow: I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!Jim: C'mon, man! Let's, I dunno, let's have some fun! Maybe we could score some coke and snort it off some rocking tits.Psy-Crow: (completely different tone of voice) Aw, no way, man! Drugs? Really? Who still does cocaine? And would your mother really appreciate you talking about women that way?Jim: (sigh) Forget it.Psy-Crow: (back in his original tone) I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!
- Jim is back in his world, fighting Psy-Crow.
Sonic: It's gonna be weird fighting Eggman again.Tails: Not really. I mean, we fought with that asshole every single day while we were hangin' out.Sonic: This is true.
- Sonic and Tails are going back to the old grind as well:
"Robotnik": Yeah! Tell me about it! Check THIS shit out! I gotta wear pants! FUCKIN' PANTS!Sonic: I don't have a problem with that.Jim: So does your guys' game suck as much as mine does now?Eggman: Uh, YEAH! PANTS?!
- Eggman has changed his name back to "Robotnik". Tails finds it lame.
Sonic: FUCK. SHIT. UP.
- Tails agrees that everyone's old lives aren't working for them any more, so they should just go back to doing what they do best:
Pixel!Knuckles: What the FUCK?! I've been looking all over for you guys! I've been stuck like this for weeks!
- To that end, the guys visit Kid Chameleon, and shoot the namesake "Kid" in the head. And also encounter Knuckles, still stuck as a pixel.
- Elevator Action
Jim: Man! I knew we should've used Eggman shit!Eggman: YES! Now I can finally cross that one off my bucket list!
- Tails mentions that there are no new job offers for the guy. Thanks to them doing a decent job rebuilding reality, there's really no need for the guys to fuck up any more video games.
Eggman: FUCK YEAH! We're goin' to college! (cue the fake title of Sonic Goes to College)Sonic: No. We're not going to college. At least not this season. Maybe in the movie. (looks toward screen and clears his throat) Kickstarter!
- Said list includes the steps, "fart in Tails' mouth" and "become Heisenberg".
- Sonic doesn't care that no one is hiring, since it doesn't stop a group of college graduates from foolishly thinking that they can get a job.
Tails: What if they don't pay?Sonic: I don't know! Murder their faces off? I don't have all the answers, Tails.
- Sonic proposes to doing things the old fashioned way: going somewhere uninvited, doing some shit, and making people pay them.
Tails: So you're... killing these guys for trying to protect their property?Eggman: Sounds like you're the asshole. Asshole.
- Eggman getting stuck on the wire the guys use to travel to Elevator Action. After some pressuring, he drops like a rock.
- Why are Sonic and the guys helping Otto fight businessmen? Because Sonic thinks it looks like fun.
- Tails applies some logical jujitsu on this game's premise:
Tails: Where's the light switch? (click) Got it! (more clicking) Wait. This switch isn't working!Eggman: Uuuuuhhh, that's not a switch. That is my penis.Tails: D-owww! C'mon, what the fuck- wait, why does it make a clicking noise.Eggman: Yours doesn't?Tails: It does not.Sonic: OK! Enough about clicky dick!
- Eggman's penis is small enough to be confused for a light switch and makes a clicking noise when you flick it. Tails learns this the hard way.
Eggman: WHAT?Evil Businessman 2: (smacks his partner) Idiot! Stop telling people about our super secret plans!Sonic: Ooooooo K. Starting to regret helping you guys.
- After Sonic and the gang kill the Jerkass known as Otto, this happens:
Jim: Where's the switch? (clicking) This one's not working.Eggman: (turned on) Oh, it's workin'. Just don't stop.
- The end of this episode has Jim trying to find another light switch. He ends up finding something familiar instead...
- Kung Fu
Sonic: Tails! You and your conspiracy theories! "Oh look, there's a mystery cat in my apartment!" "This 7-Up is actually Sprite!" "Sonic peed in my Sprite!" Relax with that shit!
- The random cat that suddenly appears in Sonic's apartment clues Tails in on the fact that some unknown force is fucking with the guys.
Sonic: Oh, you mean these pixel bricks? (lobs one at Jim's head)Eggman: Oooh-hooh-hoooooh! That looked like it hurt! OK, now do me!
- Jim backs Tails up by mentioning how weird the elevator shaft in the last episode filling with pixel bricks was.
Sonic: Yeah, thanks, Daphne but we're good. To figure this out, we need to clear our heads with some good old fashioned meditation. And I know just the place we can get it.Eggman: Wait, uh... what's "Daphne" from? You guys do so many goddamn references. I don- (Sonic throws a pixel brick at him)Sonic: Scooby-Doo.
- Tails mentions that the guys should start looking for clues, to see if they can find the source of whatever's happening.
Tails: Yeah, I think you may have killed them. Did you see if they were breathing?Sonic: Eh. We can check when we get back.
- Arriving in Kung-Fu Master, Sonic starts feeling bad about throwing bricks at Eggman and Jim.
Sonic: Was it because of the whole "blowing up your premiere and killing everyone" thing?Kirby: No, they were cool with that. But the movie was a huge flop! So they kicked me out on my ass.
- Tails getting angry at Thomas for insulting them. Sonic mentions that they came to this game to meditate, so he recommends that he just let it go. Tails likes the direction Sonic is going with this, and agrees to take the high road. The two of them take a deep, cleansing breath..... and begin yelling their lungs off at him.
- Kirby is revealed to have been living in Kung-Fu Master since he was thrown out of Hollywood.
Sonic: OK! Maybe we are getting fucked with a little.
- Since Kirby has come here to the place to live a life of peace. Sonic and Tails talk him into killing just one guy after hearing Thomas berate him. The altercation happens offscreen, and when it cuts back the place is filled with blood and guts, with Sonic and Tails staring in disbelief. Kirby is incredibly happy, and goes back to Dream land to kill some more. Tails mentions on how it was kind of a bad idea to turn Kirby back into a murderer.
- Sonic, meanwhile, has rescued Sylvia himself and is making out with her, until she begins morphing into a series of unattractive characters, ending with Mother Brain. This is what finally convinces Sonic that something is terribly wrong.
Eggman: Yes we do. Jim has been hogging all the earthworm pornography!Jim: What?! Why do you need it? You can't even tell the sexes apart!Eggman: That's what gets me off!!
- Sonic calls a meeting to discuss what obviously has to be discussed.
Eggman: Yeah, I call bullshit on this whole thing!Sonic: Well, how do you explain the bricks in the elevator shaft?Eggman: Stonemasons or the Illuminati.Sonic: What about Sylvia morphing into like, five different characters?Eggman: Uh, I dunno! Maybe if my brain wasn't 'shut off by a fucking brick, I could tell you!Sonic: Right. So I call bullshit on your bullshit.
- Tails mentions that he and Sonic are aware that something is fucking with them.
Eggman: Yeah, well it better not be Mario, either!Sonic: It doesn't feel like a Mario thing. It's a little less uuuhh, "killier" than what he usually does.
- Jim suddenly guesses that Sonic is the one who's fucking with them. He admits that it's a good guess, but he's still wrong.
Eggman: Dr. Eggman and the Underwear Experience! (featuring 3 others)
- The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ask who exactly the guys are. Eggman decides to call them...
Sonic: That's a little more clear.Tails: What happened to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?Jim: They've turned into... 30-Something Deformed Karate Dolphins!Dolphin!Raphael: Exactly! And now we're gonna kill you with boring adult responsibilities and karate!Eggman: What's the ETA on that pad thai? Anybody?
- According to the Turtles, Shredder is alive again, murdering people and performing in his own one man show off-off Broadway.
- Tails is freaked out when the Turtles want pad thai instead of pizza. Sonic dismisses it, mentioning that if there was some force fucking with them, it would be a little more clear. Sonic turns around... and sees that the Turtles have changed completely.
Jim: Yikes. What are we? A bunch of Japanese fishermen?
- After Eggman kills the 30-Something Deformed Karate Dolphins by shooting them with a high-tech harpoon gun:
Eggman: Your movies suck.
- Michael Bay makes an appearance. He mentions, while inserting the word "awesome" in every sentence, that he came to kill the Turtles and replace them with his own alien versions so he can make the movie he's always "awesomed." Eggman uses the harpoon gun to kill him.
- Wreck It Ralph
Sonic: I say I want a lot of things! A robot butler, a fried chicken sandwich with chicken for bread, world peace, world domination, chocolate and peanut butter Fig Newtons, an orgy with the US Women's Olympic Volleyball Team...Tails: Alright! What the hell's your point?Sonic: My point is I'm lazy and I change my mind a lot! And now I wanna go home and take a nap.Eggman: And now I wanna go home and eat 30 of those chicken sandwich things you were talking about before.
- Sonic asks why he and the guys are still in the sewers, since everything down there is poop. Tails mentions that he wanted answers, so they're looking for answers.
Sonic: Falling out? No no no, that big fisted fucker screwed me over!Eggman: That's gotta... gotta hurt in the butt.Sonic: What?! No, not like that! When I needed a place to live, did he invite me into his game?! No! He lets that weirdo Q*Bert and a bunch of fucking no-names crash, but not me?! Fuck him!Eggman: Oh, I'm sure he didn't mean it. Ralph's a good guy! Plus, he always had cake. So, you know, you should go get some cake.Sonic: He can stick that cake straight up his ass!Eggman: I'd still eat it.Jim: I'm kinda sold on this cake now.Tails: Enough about the cake! Sonic, tough shit, but we need Ralph's help, so just be cool!
- Upon the guys ignoring his request for chicken sandwiches, Eggman resorts to plan B: dragging along the corpse of Dolphin!Michelangelo with him.
- Sonic refuses to talk to Ralph, as Tails mentions that the two had a falling out in the past.
Sonic: Oh, NOW you want to help! Where were you before, fuck face?Ralph: What's your problem, man?Sonic: I'll tell you my problem. You wouldn't let me live in your game, asshole! Now I demand you tell me why!Ralph: (pounds Sonic into the ground like a tent peg) Because you fucked my sister, Wreck-It Roseanne! (cut to Roseanne pouding a pile of bricks)Sonic: Oh right. Shit. Hey, Rosie. (Rosie slyly waves back) So, switching topics, tell us about this Creator.
- Ralph tells the guys that the cause of all the weirdness is most likely the "Great and Powerful Creator of all Video Games".
Jim: This isn't like The Amazing Race, is it? Uh, y'know, 'cause I'm more of a Road Rules guy myself.Ralph: I don't know what Road Rules is.Jim: What?! (stammers) Road Rules! MTV!Eggman: Okay, okay, calm down there, buddy.
- Ralph tells the guys that to find the Creator, they have to go on a quest to find clues:
Sonic: (plowing Rosie) I'M GONNA WRECK IT! Ugh! Ugh! Uuuuugh!Tails: (to a mortified Ralph) We'll just show ourselves out.
- Tails discovers the meaning of the first clue of the quest, and calls for Sonic... only for Sonic to be a little preoccupied with Roseanne.
Eggman: A-ba-ba-ba, hey! Vampires aren't lame! You've seen Edward's abs, right? PLEASE tell me you've seen 'em!Jim: You are a strange... fat, Eggman.
- Tails discovers that Ralph's clue in the previous episode describes something that was "once dark and shifty" and eventually became "worn, yet shiny". According to his logic, all signs point to vampires.
Tails: Oh-ho-ho-ho! Okay, alright! Come on, fellow "Cool Guy"! Let's hunt the fuck outta Dracula!Jim: We'll have to fight through endless hordes of hellbeasts to get to the Count, but I think "Team Cool Guys" can do it!! (they run inside the castle whooping and hollering)Sonic: Hohoho! That's adorable! They think they're cool!
- Tails proposes that the guys split up into teams to find Dracula for the next clue before Simon Belmont can kill him. Sonic splits the crew into "Cool Guys" and "Nerds".
Sonic: Oh, SHIT. BATMAN!Eggman: Ohhhhh! Please don't turn us into vampires!!! U-unless we get ripped up abs. Do we get abs? 'Cause I could really be talked into this.
- Sonic becomes exhausted looking for Dracula after just one room, though Eggman finds him immediately.
Sonic: (getting tossed a can of Castlevania beer by Dracula) Castle living is the fucking TITS! I already forget why we came here!Eggman: Oh, we had to ask Count Chocula something... uuuuuhhh....aaaahhhh... eh, I'm sure the dorks on Team Dork will remember it.Sonic: Oh, right. We should probably go look for them.Scantily Clad Waitress: Who wants Jello shots? (Eggman and Sonic celebrate)
- Dracula turns out to be a party animal, and spares Sonic and Eggman just because he has new visitors.
Tails: (exhausted) Oh my god! What the fuck! Did you guys find Dracula?! Did you get the riddle?!Sonic: Ah, right. The whole stupid quest thing.Dracula: Bleh! (to Tails) Whazzup pretty lady! Vhat say you let me hide some bats in your belfry, ah? (Vink! Vink!)Tails: Uh, get off me. What did- why is he drunk? What the fuck's goin' on?
- Jim and Tails meanwhile, have gotten the short end of the stick, and are fighting wave after wave of monsters. It's implied that they aren't even getting close to Dracula.
- Sonic and Eggman are still partying, and very nearly become vampires themselves to keep the party going, when Jim and Tails show up.
Sonic: Shoulda looked in the rec room, dude. We found him in like, 2 seconds.
- Simon arrives to kill Dracula, after battling monsters. Tails tells him that they found him first.
Tails: What the hell does that mean?Dracula: No idea! Now, come on pretty lady! I've got a vooden stake for your heart! And by "heart", I mean butt. And by "vooden stake", I mean dick. (is rendered unconscious)Tails: So... you and Dracula were gonna... tag team me?Sonic: For the quest, Tails! For the quest.
- After Sonic kills Simon, Dracula shows his gratitude by letting him have "his girl's" butt, while he gets the mouth.
- Dracula tells the guys the next clue, stating a "half-naked man" is needed to find the Creator.
- Ghosts 'n Goblins
Eggman: First vampires, now zombies!? Who're we looking for? The head of Universal Pictures? BA-ZING!!! Eggman industry joke!
- Just like the last episode, the guys are fighting monsters.
Sonic: Whatever. I look and feel FABULOUS!
- Jim mentions that Dracula's clue led them to find Sir Arthur. Also, Tails tells Sonic, who is revealed to have stolen his cape, that he doesn't really need it.
Eggman: I'm tired of killing! I'm gonna take a dirt nap. Wake me up when you solve the mysteries of the universe.Sonic: Yeah. Why don't we stop fighting and just ask them if they've seen Sir Arthur.Tails: Because we have to fight-(stammers)-they're enemies- yeah. Y'know what? That's probably not a bad idea.
- Eggman starts getting tired of the quest to find the Creator.
Sonic: Thanks! I stole it from a Dracula!Goblin: Nice! You look- and I bet you feel- Fabulous!Sonic: I DO!!
- Sonic heads off to ask a nearby goblin about Sir Arthur's whereabouts. The Goblin mentions that he loves the cape.
Goblin: You're not welcome, fuckbag! And I hate that stupid cape!Sonic: (throws the cape off) DAMMIT!!!Goblin: (laughing and walking away) This fuckbag trusted a goblin! Ha-ha-ha-ha!Tails: Heh heh! That goblin's alright.
- After discovering where Arthur is, Sonic thanks the Goblin:
Thunderhead: HEY! What's up, shitdicks?! We're just a couple'a guys in our boxers, gettin' drunk off ass wine.Eggman: No, I mean, BOXERS?! Do you have any idea how ridiculous you two look? (grunts and pulls up his briefs)
- The guys are shocked upon running into Arthur and Thunderhead drunk and in their boxers.
Sir Arthur: (drunkenly) What does it even matter?! The Creator is probably some lying, cheating whore like Prin Prin!Tails: Okay... but I-Arthur: You guys are gonna risk your lives to save her, right? But when you get there, she's gonna have a mouthful of some dude's BALLS.Jim: Alright. A little off-topic but-Arthur: And then, she'll take ALLLLL of your Laserdiscs!Sonic: (uncertain) So is "Laserdiscs" the clue? What the fuck is happening here?!
- Arthur is way too wasted to tell the guys how to find the Creator.
Jim: Yep. These guys are very, very desperate.
- Thunderhead and Arthur keep getting confused as to which of the Zombie Prostitutes they've called over looks more like Kristen Stewart, despite the fact that the zombies are completely identical.
- When Thunderhead and Arthur head off to fuck their respective zombies, after telling them the clue, Tails asks if the clue made sense to anyone else.
Sonic: Holy SHIT! Thunderhead, you're a zombie!Zombie!Thunderhead: Yeah, we had a bit of a teeth issue with that "Zom BJ", but the good news is, we've decided to get married!!!Jim/Eggman: Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod/CONGRATULATIONS!!!Sonic: Sounds great. Don't send an invitation.Tails: Have a nice life, ya fuckin' weirdo!Zombie!Thunderhead: Bye Bye! Gimme a kiss, sweetheart! (kisses his zombie, whose head falls off) Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! That's so fuckin' sexy!
- Tails proceeds to ask the zombie lovers about the clue again, only to see Arthur's zombie eating his flesh. Thunderhead on the other hand...
Sonic: LOOK OUT! It's more fucked up mutants from the Creator!Tails: No. Those are just the Battletoads.Sonic: Oh. They look stupid!Pimple: Thanks. Good to see you guys, too.
- How this episode opens:
Jim: What the fuck was that, man?!Pimple: Sorry. Force of habit.
- Pimple attempts to devour Jim as soon as he sees him.
Rash: Of COURSE it bothers us! They're named after Renaissance painters! We're named after fucking acne!Sonic: Well, if it makes you feel any better, we murdered them.Rash: Actually it does.
- Eggman asks the Battletoads if it bothers them that they're just a rip off of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Rash: Uh, you do realize that you were blindly following the advice of an alcoholic vampire and a crazy knight in boxer shorts, right?Tails: Aw, shit! You're right! Ralph probably sent us the wrong way 'cause you banged Roseanne! We've been doing all this for nothing!Sonic: Damn that Wreck It Ralph! I'm gonna fuck his sister so hard!!
- The Battletoads have no idea about the clues or the quest to find the Creator, with Jim recapping the quest so far.
Sonic: (hesitant) I don't know if I wanna tongue-bathe these freaks to get high...Tails: Since when is that a problem for you?Sonic: (deadpan) You have a point.
- The frogs mention that they can get the guys back on the right path by helping them expand their minds.... and licking them.
Jim: I don't feel anything. What about you, Eggman?Eggman: (with his voice lowered several octaves and the screen turning distorted) '''Ye Ah, I Do N't Fe El An Yt Hi Ng, Ei Th Er. I'M pErFeCtLy nOrMaL rIgHt No W. Wh At Ab Ou T Yo U, Ta Il S? T Ail S! Tai LS! Th At'S A fUnNy Wo RD! TA Ils! Tail S! Ta ILS!Sonic: (stoned, huge pupils) Why do you keep calling Tails? Is it that, in your perception of life, you only get two choices: Either "Heads" or "Tails", and are under the misguided notion that one such option, this being "Tails" will always be right? I.E. "Tails never fails"? Or wait? Do you think that I'm a giant fucking quarter right now?! Am I a giant fucking quarter right now?!?! PLEASE tell me if I'm a GIANT FUCKING QUARTER!!!Eggman: (back to normal) I just called you "Tails" because you ripped off one of Tails' tails.Sonic: (holding said tail in his hand) Oh. Whoops.
- The scene where everyone is stoned is undoubtedly the best part of the episode.
Eggman: (nervously) Uh, we probably don't need to do that.Jim: Why? Wha- what happened?Eggman: Well, the lickfest got a little out of hand at one point, and they... started licking me, and then they died.Tails: (looking at the corpses) So... are you... poisonous or something?Eggman: I dunno. What do I look like, a doctor?
- After Tails gets the next clue to find the Creator, Sonic tells Eggman to tell the "Pimple, Eczema, & Chlamydia" that they're leaving.
Jim: (somber) Yeah. Give them a proper burial.Sonic: Heh. Fuck. That. I meant cut off their fingers and bring'em with us so we can trip some more later!Tails: (looking at his backside) Where... is... my other... tail?
- The episode ends with Sonic wanting to do something to the dead Battletoads before they leave.
- A Link To The Past
Tails: Ugh. Knockers are so dumb. He'll never hear it. Just ring the bell.Eggman: Y'know, I'm actually pretty excited to see Link! He's always in such a good mood.Tails: Yeah, sorry to disappoint, but I hate that Link. We're here to see Young Link. All the same quest skills, with none of the sass. (rings the bell)Eggman: Well, that's no fun.
- Sonic asks whether to ring the bell of Link's house or use the knocker.
Sonic: What the hell's wrong with Young Link?Jim: Dude, don't you get it? That's Young Link. Y'know, (quietly) He's not out of the closet yet. So he's depressed about having to hide who he is.Sonic: Ah-ha-ha, Right, Righ-high-hight! I don't get it.Jim: You know Link's gay, rightSonic: LINK'S GAY?!?!
- Young Link happens to be depressed, confusing Sonic.
Young Link's Uncle: No impish elf of a nephew of mine is gonna be a goddamn rupee-biter!Young Link: Thanks, Sonic! No, uncle, Sonic doesn't know what he's talking about.Young Link's Uncle: You'd better not be gay, boy! Otherwise I'm gonna turn you straight the HARD way. (begins thrusting and grunting)Eggman: Why's he thrusting like that?
- Young Link's Uncle overhears this, and establishes himself to be just plain horrible.
Link: Thanks, boyos! And you, (gives his phone to his young self) take my phone, and play around with Grindr for a while until you figure shit out.
- Sonic helps Link by shooting his horrible uncle in the face.
Link: Oooooohhhh! I always say "yes" to a quest! But, y'know what we need?Tails: NOT margaritas.Link: What?! No! I was gonna say "cosmopolatinis", but that's not a real thing. So yeah! Margaritas! Hahahaha! Mar-ga-ri-tas!Sonic/Eggman/Jim: MARGARITAS! MARGARITAS! MARGARITAS! MARGARITAS! (they proceed to go insane again)
- Tails tells Link that he doesn't want margaritas, but he and the guys need his help on their quest to find the Creator.
Link: Wait-wait-wait-waitwaitwaitwait. Tails hates knockers? I knew it! Come here, ya big gay fox! What's the big gay fox say, huh? What's he say?! Does he say he loves dick?!Sonic: Oh my GOD! New Nickname Alert! BIG GAY FOX! (Jim and Eggman join in) BIG GAY FOX! BIG GAY FOX!Tails: (over the chanting) Oh my GOD! SHUT UP, you fuckin' idiots!Eggman: BIG GAY FOX!Tails: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!
- At the bar, Sonic tells Link how Tails said that knockers are stupid.
Link: (recoils) EW!! No way! He was gonna do it! He was gonna kiss me in exchange for something! That makes you a hooker!Tails: WHAT?!?! DAMMIT!!!! JUST GIVE US THE CLUE!!!!
- Link asks what reasons the guys have for finding the Creator. While Tails and Sonic have perfectly acceptable reasons for finding the Creator, Jim mentions that they hate their lives and want something better to do. And Eggman mentions that he doesn't have to wear pants on a quest.
- Link decides to give them the clue if Tails kisses him. Tails eventually goes to do it, but at the very last minute...
Sonic: Mountains, Cliff. Got it. Thanks for your help.Link: And hey, remember Tails, I said "mountains", not "knockers". You big gay fox!
- Link's clue involves ignoring some mountains to get to a cliff.
Sonic: Good luck with that! And we're taking this Triforce thingie!Tails: Man, our side characters are pretty fuckin' weird, but they do know how to make an exit!
- Link refuses to go with the guys to find the Creator, since seeing the struggle of his younger self reminded him that he has a duty to perform. That duty is to turn this bar into the gayest party town in the universe.
- Gears of War
Tails: Okay, so (points to the left) that way is Dead or Alive (cue footage of scantily clad girls in suggestive poses on the beach)Sonic: Jiggly!Tails: (points to the right) And this way is Gears of War. (cut to footage of steroid-pumped soldiers fighting off mutants on a blood-soaked battlefield)Sonic: Nnnnot jiggly.
- The guys are stuck at a crossroads in The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past.
Tails: Well, the clue was something about "ignoring the mountains to get to the cliff". And, I'm guessing those massive tits are the mountains. So we need to ignore those. And head into Gears of War.Jim: (hesitatingly) Yeah, Tails. That sounds like a... like a swell idea. (he and Eggman look at each other, then make a beeline for Dead or Alive)Jim/Eggman: TITTIES!!!!!Sonic: "Ah, the lure of the boobies. Never what they seem to be, but who among us can resist."Tails: That's beautiful, Sonic! Who was that? Hemingway?Sonic: Nah. Princess Potato had that tattooed on her labia.
- Bad news: this is the last episode where Eggman and Jim physically appear. Good news: their last scene together has them go out with a bang.
Sonic: Oh- Holy shit! We're gonna die!! I HATE LINK!
- Sonic and Tails have just realized that entering a game that features active war zones was a bad idea:
Mystery Man: The hell?Sonic: Holy fucking shit, it's a genie! I call first wish! I wish for all of Tails' wishes! Ha ha, sucker.
- After the Triforce, which Sonic stole from Link in the last episode, clears the battlefield and summons a mysterious man in a portal in the sky:
Tails: Yeah, that's us- Waitaminute, are-are you the Creator?!Mystery Man: That's right. I am the Creator. The creator of Gears of War: Cliff Bleszinski.Tails: Oh! So that's what Link meant by "get to the Cliff."
- The Mystery Man asks if Sonic and Tails are "the idiots that jump from game to game and pretty much just fuck everything up".
Sonic: Oh! And the next copy of Call of Duty! That game is the best game to ever exist EVER! No contest!!Cliff: I'm not a fucking genie! And Gears of War is so much better.
- The duo constantly mispronouncing Cliff's last name.
- Sonic tells Cliff that he still wants all of Tails' wishes...
Ticker!Sonic: Uhh-Ohh! What the fuck?!Tails: HA! You're a Ticker.Ticker!Sonic: Not cool, genie. Not cool.Cliff: You're gonna explode soon! Douche.
- Before Cliff tells the guys the next clue to find the Creator, he has something that he wants to try first. With a snap of his fingers, he transforms Sonic into a Ticker.
Ticker!Sonic: (beat) That clue sucked.Tails: That's true. The other clues were a little more "mysterious and rhyme-y".
- In stark contrast to all the other clues, which were poetic and vaguely cryptic, Cliff's clue happens to be directions to a random address somewhere.
Ticker!Sonic: BOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!Cliff: Just get the fuck outta here!Ticker!Sonic: Wait, wait, wait! Can you change me back first?Cliff: Fine, alright. (snaps his fingers. Sonic turns back to normal.)'Sonic: Thanks, Cliffy the Genie!Cliff: I fucking hate you.
- Cliff tries making up a better clue, but fails epically.
Tails: How do you beat that level where Marcus Phoenix is like, showing you around and you're testing out your gun and stuff?Cliff: Waitwaitwaitwait, the tutorial level?Tails: Yeah, that's the one! That sucker's a bitch!Cliff: You should be ashamed of yourself.Tails: Oh, FUCK YOU! You don't even work for Epic anymore! Do some new shit besides Twitter!Cliff: (fiddling with his phone) No way, dude. I like Twitter.Tails: Just get the hell out of here! Thanks for the shitty clue, asshole!
- Tails has a Gears of War question for Cliff:
Tails: Well that went well.Sonic: What kind of genie doesn't grant wishes?
- After Cliff leaves:
Sonic: Hey, be sure to download the Machinima Xbox One app to watch me and other Happy Hour cartoons! But mostly just me.
- At the Lowbrow screen, Sonic offers us some product placement:
Tails: What the fuck is a "lowbrow"?Sonic: Oooh, I think it's slang for "poontang"! This must be a brothel! Let's check it out!
- This very episode is a gold mine, being the second-to-last episode in the series and chock full of meta humor.
- Sonic and Tails read a sign that says "Lowbrow", and ponder what it could mean:
Giant: Uh, Mike? I think that pot brownie's kicking in!2nd Giant/Mike: Yeah, that wasn't a pot brownie. I tricked you into eating a piece of dog shit.1st Giant: (sighs) Part of me knew that.
- Sonic finds what appears to be an ugly hooker, only for it to actually be a giant.
Tails: Uh, I'm pretty sure Sega made us.Sonic: Yeah! (points to 2nd Giant) And this guy doesn't even look like he could make a bed, let alone a sophisticated character like myself.2nd Giant: Fuck you! And for your information, I don't have a bed. I sleep on the floor.
- Upon meeting the giants, Tails asks who they are and why they sound like them. The giants clarify that they are the ones who made him and Sonic.
Soniqua: Daddy!Mother Brain: Oh, there you are, Sonic! We have so much to do and talk about! I have to tell you all about my new job, and what Soniqua's been up to. But first, how about a little "noggin foggin"?Sonic: Aw, God! Come on, man! This is how you're gonna do me?! After all the shit I've been through!? STOP THIS, PLEASE!!
- After introducing themselves as the creators of Sonic for Hire, Mike Parker and Michael William tell Sonic and Tails that they're still not who they're looking for. When asked why they are even here, William tells Sonic that their show has only one more episode left, and they still have tons of stuff to wrap up, even summoning Soniqua and Mother Brain to prove it.
Tails: I like the way this guy thinks! But don't make me an asshole like you did in season 4, it killed my cue rating.Sonic: Uuuugh! I hated Season 4! Tails was such a prick!Mother Brain: Let's send Mother Brain to Spring Break!!Soniqua: Soniqua thong contest!
- Mike and Michael debate on having Sonic settle down with Mother Brain and Soniqua to show how mature he's gotten, and have the last episode be all about Tails instead.
Michael William: Ha! Look at that beast! There's no way anyone's marrying that!Sonic: I know, right?Mike Parker: Whatever! Then you guys get your own reality show, like Honey Boo-Boo and that... human pudding snack of a mom, whatever. Cool?Mother Brain: I'll take it!Soniqua: Soniqua OUT!
- After silencing the arguing and having a discussion, Mike tells Mother Brain and Soniqua that they're better without Sonic in their lives, and suggest finding a replacement dad.
Tails: Wha- That's it? C'mon man, you can't just, tell us where to go? Huh? Voice brother?Mike Parker: Nope! See you in reruns! (turns off the episode)Tails: Man, those guys are jerks!Sonic: Tell me about it.
- After giving Sonic and Tails the last clue to find the true Creator:
- The Creator
Sonic: So, we're just gonna spend the last episode sitting quietly on my piss-soaked couch?Tails: Jus- shut up! I'm trying to figure out the last clue- is that why this thing is always wet? Jesus! I'm glad this is almost over!
- The series finale of Sonic for Hire opens with Sonic and Tails lounging in Sonic's apartment one last time.
Tails: (as Sonic is panting from being out of breath) Okay, clearly we've got time now. Can you just fucking tell me?Sonic: (beat) No time! (speeds off)
- The guys backtracking through various episodes seen in the series, including backstage at Sonic on Ice, where the Kirby performer strangles and kills the Tails performer.
- Soon after reaching Green Hill Zone, this exchange occurs:
Tails: What're we doing here?Sonic: This is it! During the title screen, you can enter a cheat code to jump to any level you want!Tails: Nice job, Sonic! (noticing the logo above them) Man, that version of you is fucking creepy. I don't like the, uh skin-toned eyelids.
- The guys end up at the Sonic for Hire title screen!
Tails: Holy SHIT! Look at this! It's all our episodes! We have done a lot of stupid shit.Sonic: YOU have. I'm awesome.
- Upon activating the level select screen:
Sonic/Tails: Oooooohhh!!Sonic: Feels like I'm in a big ol' pillow!
- The guys are transported to a land of fluffy white clouds.
Tails: Oh, SHIT!! There he is! The Creator!Santa Claus: Oh, I'm not the Creator. I'm Santa Claus. There's an awesome spa here, and I'm just chillin' before my next treatment. Gonna get my toes done.Sonic: Aaaagggghhhh! We've been through this a million times already! If you're not the Creator, then get the hell outta the way!Tails: Y'think we're ever gonna find this guy?Sonic: I dunno. I'm ready to give up. I hear Lord & Taylor's hiring.Tails: Huh, y'know that wouldn't be so bad.
- Tails pointing out a bearded guy with a white robe.
Sonic: How the hell can you be the Creator?! You were a one dimensional basketball star in the 80's!Dominique Wilkins: FUCK YOU! I could rebound- (takes a deep breath and speaks calmly) Look, when you reset the world, I was assigned as the Creator, since I've always been your idol.Sonic: You're not my idol! Rob Lowe is my idol! Everybody knows that!
- Dominique Wilkins, of all people, is revealed to be the Creator, leaving Sonic and Tails dumbstruck.
Sonic: (casually) That poster was there when I moved in. And I was usually high on angel dust.Tails: Yeah, you should play the rest of that flashback. (the flashback repeats)Flashback!Sonic: I... I... just want things to get better! Please! (camera pans down to a hotplate) Professor Hot Plate, make a better grilled cheese! You will? Oh! I'm so happy! (hugs the hot plate, burning himself)
- Dominique Wilkins reveals that he always thought that he was Sonic's idol because of the poster of him that the hedgehog used to keep. A flashback reveals that Sonic used to pray to the poster and beg it to help things get better.
Sonic: KILL ROB LOWE?!?!? NO WAY!!!Dominique Wilkins: Well no, ME! Look, honestly this whole thing was supposed to be tougher, because I assumed that I was your idol because of the poster. And there'd be this whole tense emotional breakdown like, "Will he? Won't he? Can't he-" (is shot dead)Sonic: Yeah. He can.
- Among the questions the guys want to ask Wilkins are the meaning of life, why the Kardashians are a thing, and why Sonic was given a cat.
- Dominique Wilkins tells Sonic that he must make the hardest decision of his life and kill his idol.
Tails: We, uh, we never asked him why he was fucking with us. Kinda the point of this whole thing.Sonic: Right. Hey 'Nique, why were you fucking the whole-Tails: (interrupting) He's dead, Sonic.Sonic: Yeah, hold on. 'Nique, why were you fucking the whole-Tails: He's dead. You shot him in the head.Sonic: I know, but there's like, a buffer.Tails: Sonic, there's no buffer.Sonic: OH.
- Tails is quick to point out a huge flaw.
Sonic: (as he is seated in the chair and the original Sonic the Hedgehog victory music chimes) YES! I. AM. GO-HO-HO-HOD!!!!!!!!Tails: So, what does that make me?Sonic: I dunno. God's secretary or something? Look, you can fly now!Tails: (glumly) I could always fly. This sucks.
- In a surprising turn of events, Sonic becomes the new Creator!
Sonic: Finally. I've got the best job ever!
- Sonic testing out his new godly powers, by making telepathically shoving a statue into the revived Mario's ass.
Pixel!Knuckles: I wish I was dead.
- The little montage of what all the characters have been up to has some interesting tidbits. One of them is a still pixel Knuckles working at Burgertime, singing Huey Lewis' "Hip to Be Square" to motivate himself. It doesn't last.
Sonic: OK, I'm bored. Let's get Eggman and Jim and go fuck up Q*Bert's stupid pyramid house.Tails: Let's go! (they leave)
- The last lines of the series: