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Funny / Seinfeld

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What do you mean, Seinfeld is unfunny? These moments from the classic sitcom prove otherwise:

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     In General 
  • Wheneever Kramer bursts into Jerry's apartment. It seems that man is Mood Whiplash and Noodle Incident incarnate, capable of dissuading any semblance of dramatic tension for whatever the hell he's up to at the moment.
  • Anytime Jerry and Newman say "Hello, Newman" and "Hello, Jerry" respectively.
    • Hell, Newman in general.
  • George Steinbrenner as voiced by Larry David. The majority of his appearances resulted in him going off on an unrelated tangent and George slowly backing out of his office.
    • One of the best Steinbrenner moments, from "The Millennium" when George put on Babe Ruth's uniform:
    Steinbrenner: Hey, check this out. Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. Hey, you don't think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I better take 'em off. I'm too important to this team. Big Stein can't be floppin' and twitchin'!
  • Jerry and George's chemistry, specifically when George says something and Jerry repeats part of it in agreement. An example from "The Label Maker":
    George: I had the perfect situation here, he was shouldering half the load.
    Jerry: He was shouldering.
  • The moments where one of the gang (usually George) calls another on a payphone and immediately goes into a panicked explanation of what's happening to them and what they need the other to do, and the other sarcastically replying "who is this?", prompting the caller to go into a frenzy.
  • A great example of meta-humor: Someone made a George Costanza LinkedIn account.
  • The commentaries have their moments. In "The Dealership", Julia is amused by the scene where Kramer has a giant stuffed Tweety Bird in the backseat, and surmises that one of his routine "errands" was to get Tweety.

  • The outtakes on the DVD sets are some of the funniest outtakes for any show. Notable highlights:
  • In one scene, Kramer enters the doorway and says "Whaddya-" in a hoarse voice before exiting view to try it again.
  • In "The Nose Job", Julia can't stop giggling when she and Michael are standing in a hallway. After multiple takes:
    Michael: I'm gonna get a 4x4 and beat you with it. Do you know how funny that was? Pulling out a piece of lint?
    Julia: Yes, of course!
    Michael: You see what I'm saying? The magic's here, the magic's here.
  • In "The Suicide", George frantically asks a very pregnant Rula (who's water broke) if he's getting lupus on his vacation. When she doesn't answer, Jason improvises and hops on the bed, shouting "YOU BITCH, SAY IT!"
  • In "The Red Dot," Jerry says George had sex with his chambermaid instead of his cleaning woman. After a huge laugh from the audience, Jason keeps going with the scene for a while before the mistake penetrates his head.
  • In "The Cafe", Brian George (playing Babu) has trouble keeping a straight face when Jerry calls him over: "Babu... Babu... Babu..."
  • One from "The Subway": The punk goes "Hare Krishna! Hare Krishna!", and Jason cracks, causing everybody else on set to crack with him.
    • Also:
    Jerry: So you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris!
    Julia: FUCK YOU.
    (take two)
    Jerry: So you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris!
    Julia: Why don't you shut the fuck up for a change. (laughs)
  • In "The Fix-Up", there's a scene where George and Jerry are eating at a restaurant. But it goes on longer than it needs to, prompting Jason (with a mouth full of food) to remark, "Cut the goddamn take." while cracking up.
  • In "The Wallet", one of the unused takes of Kramer's hair catching on fire has him nonchalantly asking, "You don't mind if I smoke in here, do ya?", sending the other three rolling.
  • In "The Watch", Jerry grabs Uncle Leo's arm before he leaves the bathroom and says, "Hang on a second... I got a little preposition for ya... or proposition."
  • In "The Bubble Boy", Jerry jumps the gun on explaining what a bubble boy is:
    Jerry: He's a bubble boy!
    George: A bubble boy??
    Jerry: Yes, he lives in a bubble!
    Susan: What's a bubble boy?
    Jason: ...Well, I think Jerry just explained that.
    • In take three, after making the same mistake three times in a row, Jason tells Jerry, "You shmuck!"
  • In "The Airport", Julia keeps cracking up during the scene at the airport, and it's infectious to Jerry.
    Jerry: (smiling wide) There's no point in going; Julia's laughing.
  • In "The Virgin", George is at the window and tries to shut the blinds, but every time he pulls the cord, they keep raising. Finally after many attempts, he manages to shut them, and the director says to go again.
    Jason: Why? Is something wrong?
  • "The Shoes": Multiple takes of George pretending to cough when Elaine mentions Bouchard's.
  • "The Junior Mint": On the way out the door, Jerry struggles with pulling his coat off the hook. After multiple attempts, he gives up, only for Julia to pull it off successfully.
    • This botched read:
    George: Oh, I forgot to tell you: I got a letter today from the state controller's office. Y'know, w-when I was going to public school back in, uh, in Brooklyn, every day- every week, every, every...
    Jerry: When? When did you-
    Jason: Occasionally, I would... lemme start that speech again.
  • In "The Smelly Car":
    George: So what are you gonna do?
    (Jerry stammers)
    Jason: Really?! Holy (shit)! (falls backwards onto the couch)
    • Also, Kramer blanking on the people Steinbrenner's traded:
    Kramer: I don't think I can take another season with him. I despise him. He'll just trade away those young... best... prospective players, y'know, like Beuner, right? Doug Drabek? I don't know the others.
    • Michael forgets the last part of his dialogue here:
    Michael: She saw me take a swing, y'know, she's telling me that my club was going back too fast. Well, y'know, we talked this over a little bit, she's a golf teacher! And I took a lesson and y'know, something happened between us... and, uh, that's that. So I'm gonna go watch some television now.
  • "The Pilot Part 2":
    Kramer: I wanna be close to home base in case I... poo-poo. (Julia doubles over laughing) Note 
  • In "The Masseuse", Kramer spasms backwards and accidentally hits his head on the door, then leaves the room. Jerry asks if Michael is all right; Julia looks backstage and replies, "He's dead."
  • "The Non-Fat Yogurt": Michael accidentally misnames Dinkins:
    Kramer: How 'bout that Dingus?
    Jerry: (as Julia cracks up) "Dinkus"??
  • In "The Raincoats Part 2":
    Rudy: (walking up to George) You're the one who sold me the moth-ridden cabana crap.
    (Jason steps back into a fighting stance and does a kung fu-ish "Hwaaahhh....")
  • "The Chaperone": The alternate take of Kramer confronting Jerry:
    Kramer: She has these trained doves. She has this magic act, and that was her talent for the pageant.
    Jerry: ...What kind of doves?
    Kramer: The kind that go "coo-coo".
    Jerry: ...Coo (breaking) coo?
  • In "The Scofflaw", Jerry knocks over some crackers by accident and says, "Sorry." Jason, puzzled, asks: "You're apologizing to the crackers?"
    • The ending, where an attractive woman offers the toupee-wearing George a spot across from her at a table. In the blooper, Jason ran his hand up his head, inadvertently causing the toupee to come loose and cracking up the actress.
  • In "The Beard", Michael botches a line: "Hey, I know what we can do. I got a buddy who lives- (tries again) hmm, hey, I know what we can do. I know a guy- hey, I don't know my line."
  • In the aired version of "The Couch", Jerry's line is: "I coulda stayed home and ordered pizza from Paccino's." But in one of the outtakes, Jerry said, "I coulda stayed home and ordered pizza from Bingo's." This greatly amused Julia, and Jerry ran with it:
    Julia: "Bingo's"?
    Jerry: (quickly, as if to get her to laugh) Yeah, Bingo's.
    Julia: Don't do this, you...
  • In "The Secretary", Michael flubbed his line "When you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't want to skimp on the swank" by forgetting the last word and saying "Sssshhh..." Julia finished it for him: "Skimp on the shit?"
  • In "The Doorman", George is looking down his shirt and jiggling to see if he has breasts. In the aired episode, the camera is focused on Jerry and Elaine's dialog, but here, it's just on George, who incessantly and obsessively jiggles while they're talking. Finally, Jerry and Julia crack up at Jason, who was surprised to learn he was on camera the whole time.
    Julia: (to Jason) I can do that too, ya know.
  • In "The Race", Julia (again) cracking up when Jerry discusses refusing to re-race his arch nemesis.
    Jerry: $1,000 a second. [take two...] In four years of high school, I would never race anybody again. And so the legend grew. (Julia fails to keep her composure) Oh, they begged me to race, they wanted me to race... (breaking character) is there any point in doing this? No.
  • In "The Fusilli Jerry", the unused takes of Frank accidentally shoving the titular object up his ass. Especially the one where he goes, "Ah-wa. Woo-wa-wa!", cracking up the rest of the cast.
  • In "The Face Painter", the exaggerated mourning that is heard. Julia can't help but crack up at how over-the-top it is, particularly Larry David's voice:
    Woman: Why?!
    Larry David: I don't know why! I don't know! I wish I knew! But I don't know! (Julia doubles over)
  • In "The Engagement", during the scene where Newman, Kramer, and Elaine are sitting in the back of a car:
    Michael: Uh-oh. I foo-foo'd.
  • "The Wink":
    Morgan: By the way, you got that bait- birthday card?
    Jason: ...I'm sorry?? (Tom Wright breaks character and laughs) I got something...
    Tom: No, I got something.
    • On take two, Jason accidentally knocks over a lamp with the baseball bat he's holding when he turns around.
  • "The Sponge": In the episode, Kramer is beaten up by AIDS walkers who are offended that he doesn't want to wear the AIDS ribbon, and Jerry assumes his haggard limp across the finish line is due instead to being exhausted from staying up all night playing poker. After Kramer collapses, Jerry ad-libs: "Well Kramer, I guess this just isn't your lucky day...", loosens his belt, and tries to pull Michael's pants down.
  • "The Gum":
    Elaine: You don't think that I had anything to do with his breakdown, do you?
    Jerry: (slurring his words) Well I remember we parted company I was babbling incohere- ugh...
  • "The Seven":
    George: How many days was it between encounters?
    Jerry: Three.
    Jason: Three days. Well... I know the gist of where I'm going, but I don't have the particulars.
    Jerry: Well, there's many scripts around the set.
    Jason: Can I see a script?
    Jerry: You know, ultimately, we're gonna have to do it without the script.
    (take two)
    Jason: Maybe you caught her on the verge of a new wash cycle. She did laundry the day before she met you... or the day after. (Jerry laughs) You following my reasoning?
    Jerry: Yeah, kinda... You sure you wanna do this without the script?
  • From "The Shower Head", the scene where Frank Costanza is told there are no available condos in Del Boca Vista. Jerry Stiller's struggles to wrap his mouth around the name are even funnier than the scene itself.
    Jerry Stiller: Are you telling me there's not one condo unit available in all of Del Bisto Becko?
  • "The Calzone":
    George: There's gotta be someway to get back into Paisano's.
    Kramer: Oh, Paisano's, huh? Yeah, it's that place by the stadium, isn't it?
    George: You've heard of it?
    Kramer: Oh yeah yeah yeah, Rew- New- oh yeah yeah. (cracks up) (take two...) Oh yeah, Newman, he raves about it. It's on his, uh, postal walk there. He stops by every day.
    Jerry: His "postal walk"??
  • "The Wig Master": When Kramer lectures Elaine about trust with her current boyfriend, his line is "shaking that little butt of yours into big big savings", but in one of the outtakes, Michael substitutes "butt" for the funnier "boom-boom". Julia, as usual, loses it.
  • In "The Wait Out", during the Jerry/Elaine/George fight, one of the takes featured Julia grabbing Jason and slamming him into the door at full force. Clearly, he wasn't prepared for that.
  • In "The Bizarro Jerry", Kramer says he loves working at the company, claiming there's "lots of room for improvement." Michael quickly realizes he meant to say "development".
  • In "The Little Kicks", Kramer says "Go get 'em, Death Boy!"Note 
    • Also from "The Little Kicks": Julia Louis-Dreyfus repeatedly cracks up at Jerry Stiller's line reads (see the Season 8 tab for the quotes from the scene). It's practically a small miracle that they got a usable take out of it.
  • In "The Package":
    Elaine: I'm not "difficult", I'm easy.
    Jerry: Why? Because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys? (crunches on some cereal really loudly)
    Julia: ...That's the first time you did that crunch.
  • In "The Fatigues", Jerry and George discuss proteges:
    George: So they do things for you, and all you have to do is spout off advice?
    Jerry: (surly) That's right, in a very stupid, primitive sort of way.
    Jason: ...All right.
    (both Jerry and Jason laugh; Jason mumbles something)
    Jerry: I love the way he just lets this slide off.
  • In "The Checks":
    Brett: You look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant.
    Jerry: You look like-
    Elaine: Jerry.
    Jerry: ...You could use a nice... rectal... (Julia cracks up) cleansing.... at a good restaurant.
  • In "The Chicken Roaster", George squeezed some ketchup onto his plate, but the bottle made a squirt noise.
    Michael: Do that again; that ketchup made a funny sound.
    Jason: If I do it again, I'll have a plate full of ketchup.
    Michael: If you don't, people will think you foo-foo'd on TV.
  • In "The Little Jerry", Michael Richards's difficulty in getting the rooster on a leash to go where he wanted it to. After much fooling around with the stubborn rooster, he asked the crew, "Why don't I just be carrying him?"
  • In "The Susie", Julia kept cracking up at Jerry's line, "Yeah but he didn't sleep with both of 'em.", not helped by Mike's over-the-top reading of, "She was murdered, by JERRY SEINFELD!!!!" Julia's reaction to Mike's line is priceless.
    • Michael botching this line and trying to salvage it:
    Kramer: Oh listen, you owe Mike $100.
    Jerry: For what?
    Michael: Yeah well, I put a bet down on you- I put a bet down for you, I put a bet down for you on tonight's game. I don't, I can't, uh... (Jerry laughs) I'm goin' home. Thank you.
  • In "The Money", Barney Martin stammers through his intro to J. Peterman. He's supposed to say he cut velvet with Harry Altman, by the way.
    Morty: Morty Seinfeld. I cut... velvet on... (tries again) I cut velvet for 38 years with Hal- Herb Alpert.
    • In a blooper from a deleted scene:
    Morty: If we don't make that Prince William children's... pajamas re- flame retardant, we can save an extra thirty cents a unit. (clears throat) Wait 'til I tell Japoco- (clears throat again; Julia laughs) Wait 'til I tell Jackopo! Jacopo! Wait 'til I tell Jacopo! (whistles) Gimme a name, for Christ sake!
  • In "The Nap", George asks Jerry what size hat he wants. Jerry replies, "5 and 7/8." Jason immediately observes: "I doubt that." Jerry correct himself: "7 and 5/8."
  • In "The Millennium", Newman's odd quack sound sends Jerry to the bedroom laughing hysterically.
  • In "The Summer of George", Kramer said "Raquel Welch" as "Raquel Relch", due to trilling his Rs too long.
    Jerry: ...I've never seen her work.
    • Then on take two, Michael makes the same mistake again, and proceeds to do the rest of the scene anyway. Jerry doesn't let it slide, though:
    Jerry: "Relch"??
  • The unused takes of Kramer stuffing a hot dog and pretzel in his mouth so he can enter a store that doesn't allow food and drink. Especially the grunt he makes toward the end.
  • In "The Voice", Kramer's line read of "He's [Darin's] going away for a long, long time" is so odd that it cracks up everybody. Michael Richards asks why he just did a Clint Eastwood movie.
    • In the same episode, Jason's odd reading of George's line "I think Play Now's puttin' something in my food..." from the bathroom cracks up Jerry and Julia.
  • Jerry Stiller doesn't just crack up Julia; in outtakes for "The Serenity Now", Jason can't keep a straight face either.
    George: (talking while laughing) Do you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and IBM?
    Frank: Yes, I do. That's why I have a secret weapon... (Beat; Jason is smiling widely) my son.
    Jason: (cracks up) Oh Jesus Christ...
    • In another scene:
    Frank: You've single-handed (sic) put Costanza and Son... on the brink, of bankruptcy.
    Jason: (cracks up, then tries to recompose himself) I can do this. I can do this. I make a lot of money.
  • Julia misses her cue: "Augh! What am I doing?! I was just watching the show!" Jerry, smiling, to camera: "Like millions of Americans."
  • In "The Blood", Jason starts the scene eating, and keeps coughing while doing so ("Shit, man!"). After a few takes:
    Jason: In the future, could we cook the fries?
  • In "The Slicer", Michael and Julia get into a light, friendly scuffle during the hallway scene, causing Michael to say to the crew, "Oh, she kicked me in the balls, I can't work."
  • In "The Strike", Kramer's aired line was "Frank, no offense, but this holiday is a little- VRRRRT!- out there." In the outtakes, he substituted that noise for a trumpet imitation, cracking up pretty much everybody.
    • Tim Whatley (Bryan Cranston) gets Jerry to laugh repeatedly from the simplest wincing expressions when Gwen shows off her less attractive side.
  • "The Maid": Michael blows a line twice:
    Michael: Can I enter again? (crew: "Yeah.") Can I just do the whole show over?
  • This blooper:
    Jerry: I'm gonna sneeze...
    Jason: (smiling) That's not in the script.
  • This deleted dialogue:
    Jerry: Hey, when do you throw out a plate?
    George: Right, because they don't wear out. It's up to you!
    Jerry: Now we're onto something!
    George: (to waitress) We're gonna need some more coffee here. (to Jerry) Now, Chinaware, earthenware, what's the difference? There's earth in China.
    Jerry: (cracking) What show is this?!
  • The stand-up bit from season 5 where Jerry gets tongue-tied on a line about old clothes ("You go from New Year's Eve to hangin' out of a car's gas tank pipe flappin' down the highway!"):
    Jerry: It's, like, four adjectives in a row.

    Season 1 

The Seinfeld Chronicles

The Stake Out

The Robbery

  • Kramer's masterful detective skills:
    Kramer: Jerry, I think I’m on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman who lives down the hall?
    Jerry: Yeah.
    Kramer: The last couple a days he’s been acting very strange. I think he’s avoiding me.
    Jerry: Hard to imagine.
    Kramer: Yeah! And get this: I just got off the elevator with him and I tested him, I tested him, like I... this is what I said to him, like I, I was like this, I went, "Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff." Y'know, very casually.
    Jerry: Right.
    Kramer: So that he was gonna take me into his confidence.
    Jerry: So what'd he say?
    Kramer: "What stuff?".
    Jerry: Ooh, case closed!
    Kramer: No, you don’t understand, you see, he swallowed! See, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, I’m gonna go over there, I’m gonna borrow some tea. If I don’t get back in five minutes, maybe you’d better call the police.
    • George and Jerry "choosing" for who gets the nice apartment. Jerry gets off to an early lead by winning the first two in a row. George makes a brief comeback by winning the next two, only to choose the wrong number and lose to Jerry. At first, he's seemingly congenial, congratulating Jerry, but then he goes to the bathroom:
    George: Why did I put out TWO?! WHY DID I PUT OUT TWO?!
    • This classic exchange:
    Kramer: Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, right buddy?
    Jerry: No.
    Kramer: How can you not have insurance?
    Jerry: Because... I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's the most impenetrable lock on the market today... it has only one design flaw: The door... MUST BE CLOSED!!

Male Unbonding

The Stock Tip

  • George acting cocky when he struck it rich. It's rare that George has something good happen to him, so when it does, he really milks it.
    George: (smugly) I told you not to sell!
    • Afterwards, he gives a generous tip to the waitress, then realizes it's too much, and takes some back.

    Season 2 

The Ex-Girlfriend

  • This exchange between Jerry and one of his girlfriends:
    Woman: I just can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
    Jerry: (incredulous) You're a cashier!
    • When George finishes his doctor appointment:
      George: I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything. Touch this, feel that. Seventy-five bucks.
      Jerry: Well, it's a first visit.
      George: What, seventy-five bucks? What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?! Am I being entertained? I don't understand this. I'm only paying half.
      Jerry: You can't do that!
      George: Why not?
      Jerry: He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says!
      George: Oh, no, no, no. I pay what I say.

The Pony Remark

  • One of the funniest Fee Fi Faux Pas of the entire series:
    Elaine: What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies.
    Jerry: I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hated anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.
    Manya: (offended) I had a pony!
    Jerry: Well, I didn't really mean a pony, per se.
    Manya: When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony. So what's wrong with that?
    Jerry: Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressing-
    Helen: Should we have coffee? Who's having coffee?
    Manya: He was a beautiful pony! And I loved him.
    Jerry: Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't love a pony? Who wouldn't love a person that had a pony?
    Manya: (accusing) You! You said so!
    Jerry: No, see, we didn't have ponies. I'm sure at the time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars.
    Manya: That's it! I've had enough! (leaves)
    Jerry: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense!

The Jacket

  • Jerry and George's squirm-inducing meeting with Elaine's father, basically Laurence Tierney playing himself. Especially when Elaine finally gets there and asks where he is: George rasps out "He's in the bathroom" in a perfect impression of Tierney.
    George: If Elaine doesn't show up, we can't have dinner with this guy alone.
    Jerry: How're we going to get out of it?
    George: We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home.
    • This bit, after commercial:
      Alton: Yeah, they should've taken care of Castro when they had the chance. Like we did in Guatamala in '53.
      Seinfeld: (unable to come up with anything meaningful to add, merely says...) Well, Guatemala...
    • The subplot involving George having "Master of the House" from Les Misérables stuck in his head. It eventually culminates with Alton getting the song stuck in his head while he drives home.
    • Elaine's monologue about why she was late for meeting up with Jerry, George, and Alton. No surprise, it was due to Kramer.
    Jerry: Where have you been?
    Elaine: (furious) Kramer. That Kramer! I'm just about to leave, he calls me up. He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes so he can pick up these birds.
    Jerry: Oh, you didn't.
    Elaine: Well, he said he'd drive me here right after. So I am sitting in his car for TWENTY MINUTES! He doesn't come down. I am freezing. Then a cop comes by. Tells me to get out of the car. He's a city marshal. He's towing the car away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was gonna tow it with me in the car. So they tow the car. Now I am standing outside and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I gotta tell him what happened to the car. So finally, finally, he comes down with this giant cage filled with doves. He said he was getting instructions, that each dove has a different diet. So we're wandering around, trying to get a cab when two of these doves fly out. Now we're running after these doves. I almost got hit by a bus!
    • Even better, after that, she asks how things are going with Alton, and Jerry and George can't bring themselves to tell the truth after that tirade so they say it's going great.
    • Elaine tells Alton that she now works for Pendant Publishing. Alton is less than pleased:
    Alton: Pendant? Those bastards.
    • After that evening, Elaine and Jerry discuss:
    Elaine: Dad thinks George is gay.
    Jerry: (confused at first, but gets an idea) Oh, because of all the singing?
    Elaine: Nah, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay. He liked you, though; said you reminded him of someone he knew in Korea. Note 

The Phone Message

  • George is at the end of a date that went well. He's just arrived at her apartment, and she invites him up for "coffee". He refuses, since coffee keeps him up. She leaves, presumably too embaressed to ask him more openly. About five seconds later, George catches on, and Jason Alexander gives us one of the funniest "Oh crap!" (but not Oh, Crap!) moments ever, which is proving remarkably hard to locate on YouTube.

The Apartment

The Statue

  • In "The Statue", the entire scene when Kramer impersonates a cop to recover a stolen statue, but especially this moment, which Word of God says was one of the earliest character-defining moments for Kramer:
    Ray: I think you got the wrong guy!
    Kramer: [in a moment of doubt] Your name Ray?
    Ray: Yes?
    • Another funny bit in "The Statue": George sitting at another booth from Jerry (who was meeting Ray to discuss the statue's disappearance after he cleaned Jerry's apartment) and making sarcastic remarks about the lies Ray was telling. Finally, George erupts and harasses Ray to admit he stole Jerry's statue. The rhythm to the dialogue in that scene is perfect.
      Ray: For your information, I got that statue at a pawn shop.(...) Yes, in Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning people's apartments.
      George: Cleaning them out.
    • George and Kramer fight over the statue like children. Jerry suggests they handle this like mature adults. He ends up playing "Inka dink" between them.

The Revenge

  • George pondering potential jobs.
    • The Dream Sequence where Jerry is busted by the FBI for having an illegal cable hook-up and gets shot repeatedly when he tries to make a break for it. Then Kramer runs up to him and cradles him in his arms:
    Kramer: Cable boy, cable boy. What have you done to my little cable boy?!
    • When Jerry wakes up, he's in an airplane that's going through turbulence. The guy sitting next to him introduces himself:
    Bill: My name is Bill. I might be the last person you ever see.

The Heart Attack

  • The gang visiting the Holistic Healer. Also, George's line "I'm an eggplant!" (after his face turns purple from an allergic reaction) in the ambulance and the fight over the Red Chuckles candy.
    • Earlier, a bedridden George requests that Jerry kill him. Jerry decides to play with him, grabbing a pillow and asking, "What do you mean, like this?", pushing the pillow onto his face. Then Elaine walks in, shocked at what she's seeing.
      Jerry: (mock surprise) Elaine! What are you doing here??

The Deal

  • Jerry tells George he slept with Elaine and George wants details and rants about why he deserves to hear them.
    • George's response "Oxygen...I need oxygen!" when he hears that Jerry slept with Elaine is gold.

The Baby Shower

The Chinese Restaurant

The Busboy

    Season 3 

The Note

  • The whole business of George getting a massage from a male masseuse. Also, "I think it moved."

The Truth

  • This aside after Elaine finds out that Jerry donated to a fake charity to impress her when they were dating:
    Elaine: Now you're being audited because of it. See? That's karma.
    Jerry: No, that's Kramer.

The Pen

  • Elaine writhing in the uncomfortable bed.
    Elaine: This bar is right in my back!
    • Jerry finally snaps after being caught in the middle of the "Morty/Jack" rivalry:
      Jerry: WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS COMMUNITY?! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?
    • Elaine tripping balls on muscle relaxers. "Stella!"

The Dog

The Library

  • Bookman the Library Cop. Jerry seems to be having trouble keeping a straight face for real.

The Parking Garage

  • The car breaking down in the mall. This was actually a Throw It In!: the original ending was to have Jerry get lost in the parking lot. However, the actual car wouldn't start. If you look closely, you can see Jason Alexander howling with laughter.
    • The whole subplot with Jerry (and later, George) being hauled in by a taciturn cop for urinating in public. Jerry makes up excuse after excuse (ranging from "It's a medical condition!" to "I was pouring out a bottle of water"), and it's all a riot because the near-silent cop just lets him keep talking and making a fool of himself.

The Cafe

  • Kramer freaking out when Babu places a steaming hot towel on his unsuspecting hands.
    • Elaine scores a mere 85 on George's IQ test because she keeps getting distracted in the new cafe. When Elaine next meets George, he is not happy:
    George: Oh, hel-lo, professor.

The Tape

  • Kramer repeatedly telling George that his Chinese hair growth formula stinks, using a funny pronunciation of "stinks":
    Kramer: You steeenk!

The Nose Job

The Stranded

The Alternate Side"

    • Jerry giving the car rental agent the business when they don't have a car for him, despite reserving it beforehand:
    Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.
    Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?
    Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.
    Jerry: ...But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
    Agent: I know why we have reservations.
    Jerry: (smiling) I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
    • Then when he is given a compact and is asked if he wants insurance:
    Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car.

The Red Dot

  • After George is confronted by his boss about having sex with the cleaning woman on his desk, you watch all of the possible replies go through his head before he simply replies "Was that wrong?"
    George: Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here, that that sort of thing was frowned upon... You know, ‘cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.

The Subway

  • Elaine's ride on the subway. Notable for containing one of the rare Cluster F Bombs in Seinfeld.
    • Another one at the beginning: the foursome get off a subway train. They stand around in awkward silence for a moment before shrugging and heading their separate ways, with Elaine only offering up a meek "See ya." Both Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus stated that they loved this moment and felt that this was how the series should've ended.
    • Jerry rests his eyes while on the subway. When he awakes, the fat guy reading the newspaper who was sitting across from him is now nude.
    Jerry: Okay... you realize of course, you're naked?
    Man: Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference.
    Jerry: You oughta sit here. There is a difference.

The Pez Dispenser

The Suicide

The Fix-Up

  • Elaine trying to get Cynthia to blind date George:
    Elaine: He's kind of, just kind of, (squeezes her fingers together) mmm, losing his hair.
    Cynthia: He's bald?!
    Elaine: (downplaying) No no no no, he's not bald, He's balding.
    Cynthia: So he will be bald.
    Elaine: Yeah.
    • Kramer breaks up a fight between George and Jerry, only for George to fight Kramer when he informs him that the condoms he gave George (one of which he used on Cynthia) are defective.
    Kramer: Didn't even think you were gonna use 'em.
    • Jerry and Elaine fight over something, and Kramer steps in to break it up in the funniest way possible:
    Kramer: What's the matter with you?! Now don't you two see... that you're in love with each other? I mean why can't you face that already? You're running around out there looking for something that's not even there, when everything that you dream of is right here, right here in front of you. Now why can't you admit that?

The Boyfriend

  • To keep collecting unemployment, George pretends that Jerry's apartment is a business he interviewed with called Vandelay Industries. Jerry plays along but George forgets to tell Kramer. Like clockwork, the one time Kramer answers the phone, it's the unemployment agency.
    Kramer: WHAT-delay Industries?
    Kramer: No, you're way, WAY off! Well, yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment!
    (George runs out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles, shouting "Vandelay!")
    Jerry: (comes in, seeing George on the floor in defeat) And you want to be my latex salesman.
    • Jerry deconstructing the time Keith Hernandez spit on Kramer and Newman in the manner of Kevin Costner in JFK. Culminating with the line from Jerry: "That is one magic loogie."
    • Jerry asks Elaine why she broke up with Keith Hernandez.
    Jerry: Oh, "smoking". You know, you're like going out with C. Everett Koop.
    • Jerry's reluctance in helping Keith move.
    Kramer: You barely know the guy! Next thing you know, you'll be driving him to the airport.
    Jerry: (defensively) I'm not DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!!!

The Limo

  • When Jerry and George realize they're in too deep by faking that the limo was their's:
    George: Look, let's just jump out of the car.
    Jerry: (incredulously) We're doing sixty miles an hour!
    George: So we jump and roll, you won't get hurt.
    Jerry: Who are you, Mannix?!

The Good Samaritan

  • A jealous friend calls Elaine to see where his wife is. When Elaine hesitates when she mentions George who he thinks his wife is cheating on, he loses it completely.
    Michael: He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them!
    • This scene than cuts to Jerry's where he is confronting a lady who he saw hit a friend's car earlier, (and who he had bragged to Elaine to have confronted as a surly man but then chose to make as his girlfriend) who up until this point had been very nice is now ripping him a new one to keep him quiet about the incident. What sells it when Elaine walks in and discovers this is that Jerry's reaction to the threats is between aloof surprise and embarrassment from being caught by Elaine.
      Angela: Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue!
      Jerry: Let me rephra-
      Angela: I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head!
      (Elaine walks in)
      Jerry: Hi Elaine, this is Angela.
      Angela: I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth!
      (Jerry walks past her away from the kitchen)
      Jerry: Well I think I get the gist of it.

The Letter

  • Kramer's reaction to Nina's post-break-up letter to Jerry Note :
    Kramer: Get in there and give her a call. Pick up the phone and call her!
    Jerry: Should I?
    Kramer: YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD! Fight for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you!
    • George is guilt-tripped into buying a painting. As he and Jerry look at it:
      George: I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly lines! Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?
      Jerry: (congenial tone) Do you want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint you something!
    • The conclusion of Elaine's subplot, where she was caught on camera being thrown out of a baseball game for wearing a Baltimore cap in owner's box and she keeps trying to hide the sports page from Lippman Note . He hasn't read it yet, so she thinks she's in the clear, but then he invites her to another ball game:
      Lippman: Oh, and Elaine. You know the Baltimore cap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little fun with him.
    • Over the course of an unrelated scene, a haughty older couple analyze Nina's painting of Kramer and deliver a startlingly specific (and perceptive) read on his character.
      "I sense great vulnerability. A Manchild crying out for love, an innocent orphan in the postmodern world."
      "I see a parasite. A sexually depraved miscreant who is seeking only to gratify his basest and most immediate urges."
      "Dirty and unattractive, yet I detect a nobility of attitude, an unwavering loyalty, much like the Saint Bernard."
      "But note the eyes. He's a creature barely hanging on to existence, like a cockroach clinging to a sewer grate."
      "His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit."
      "He is a loathsome, offensive brute...yet I can't look away."
      "He bends time and space!"
      "He sickens me!"
      "I love it."
      "...Me too."

The Parking Space

  • Sid's return:
    Sid: Hey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion.
    Jerry: Hey Sid.
    Mike: Who are you?
    Sid: (to Mike) Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? (to George) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything gets disrupted and disjointed?
    George: Sid, it's completely his fault!
    Mike: Oh, right.
    Sid: (to George) Why don't you start taking the bus?
    • Newman's take:
    Newman: You wanna know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell you why: Because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It reduces us to jungle law.
    Kramer: When can you park head first?
    Newman: Never.
    Mike: What are you asking this guy for?
    Newman: Who's talking to you?
    George: He's right. never.
    Mike: Oh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? You have to pull all the way up to the front car?
    Newman: ...Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths.
    George: When do you ever have ten car lengths?
    Kramer: What about Sundays and holidays?
    • The argument between the old man and Matthew:
    Man: He could have pulled up to the car and backed in, but he chose to go in head first.
    Matthew: No he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in.
    Man: No he wasn't.
    Matthew: All that matters is who was there first.
    Man: Ah, you're not even old enough to drive, you little puke.
    Matthew: You just spit on me!
    Man: Don't you raise your voice to me!
    Matthew: You're not my father!
    • Mike called Jerry a "phony" to Kramer. Kramer confides this in Jerry; while he promises to keep it in the vault, he finally lets loose by episode's end:
    Jerry: Like you didn't call me a PHONY!!!
    Mike: (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! (to Jerry, sucking up) Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, "He's bad", it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
    Jerry: (not buying it) Use it in a sentence.
    Mike: …"Man, that Michael Jordan is SO phony!" (Jerry gives an "oh, please" look) (to Kramer) WHY'D YA TELL HIM?!

The Keys

  • Kramer talking to George:
    Kramer: (disgusted) Look at you.
    George: Aw, Kramer, don't start.
    Kramer: You're wasting your life.
    George: I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life.
    Kramer: Okay, like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job?
    George: No.
    Kramer: You got money?
    George: No.
    Kramer: Do you have a woman?
    George: No.
    Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
    George: No.
    Kramer: Do you got anything on the horizon?
    Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
    George: No.
    Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
    George: I like to get the Daily News.
    • Jerry fumbles around in his dark apartment at night, not realizing Kramer is in the kitchen. The two of them scream like mad. Jerry then reacts with his trademark whining.
    Jerry: You scared me!
    Kramer: (reassuringly) It's just me.
    Jerry: (still upset) That's enough!

    Season 4 

The Trip Part 1

  • Kramer gets star-struck by Fred Savage, leading to this hilarious scene where he meets him in a cafe:
    Kramer: Hey. (talking quickly and nervously) Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy. I mean, I may look weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to make it in this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...
    Savage: Thank you.
    Kramer: Yeah, I can't remember the name of it.
    Savage: Thanks.
    Kramer: Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, you know, uh...
    Savage: It's okay, relax. Relax.
    Kramer: Okay, but I got this... (sets his foot on Savage's table, collapsing it) Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally like this, usually I'm very cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think it's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me.
    Savage: (backing towards the door) Yeah, its fate, you know, can't avoid your fate.
    Kramer: I got this treatment I think you'll be great in.
    Savage: Yeah.
    Kramer: So I'd like to give it to you.
    Savage: Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye! (runs out)
    • Kramer's audition tapes. The highlight is Kramer trying for an infomercial and hating the drink he's trying so much that the drink spills out of his mouth.

The Trip Part 2

  • Kramer is heard slipping and falling in the shower.
    • George is cranky because he hasn't eaten yet. Jerry says he should've eaten on the plane.
    Jerry: I told you to have breakfast, you should've had breakfast!
    George: I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich, because they were only serving breakfast.
    Jerry: You should've had some eggs.
    George: For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?
    Jerry: Have you ever heard of egg salad?
    George: Why didn't you say something then?
    Jerry: I've gotta to tell you about the existence of egg salad?!
    • Jerry uses George's name when he's calling the police. When the police arrive:
    Officer: Which one of you is Costanza? (Jerry and George point to each other)
    • In the same episode, Kramer becomes a murder suspect and is apprehended by the police, but he initially thinks he's being cast in a movie or TV show. But when Jerry and George tell him the truth, Kramer acts cool, walks over to a police officer, asks for another minute, returns to the window...and starts hysterically begging Jerry and George to help him, only to be hauled away by the police.
    • THEN Kramer gets interrogated harshly by a police detective to the point where he breaks down and starts sobbing and babbling. But then the detective receives word that Kramer isn't the serial killer they're after, so the police lets Kramer go. Kramer immediately recovers and tries to ask who the killer is, only to be urged out the room. As he goes, Kramer nearly hits the wall.
    • And THEN when Kramer reunites with Jerry and George:
    Kramer: They let me go! Someone else got killed while I was in custody.
    George: (delighted)Someone else was killed?
    Jerry: Great! Someone else was killed!
    Kramer: Yup! I'm free! 'Cause the murderer struck again! (trailing off as the penny drops)

The Pitch

  • Kramer's adamant idea that Jerry's show be about a circus:
    Jerry: I'm not pitchin' a show about freaks!
    • George storms out of the NBC pitch meeting because he was disgusted that the execs didn't latch onto his "show about nothing" idea, leading to this later:
      Jerry: I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? "Artistic integrity"? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with The Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better!
      George: I thought the woman was kind of cute.
      Jerry: Hold it. I really want to be clear about this. Are you talking about the woman in the meeting? Is that the woman you're talking about?
      George: Yeah, I thought I might give her a call. I, I don't meet that many women. I meet like three women a year. I mean, we've been introduced. She knows my name.
      George: Why? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she was looking right at me. You know, I think she was impressed. You know, we had good eye contact the whole meeting.
    • Kramer and Newman squabble over a "defective [radar] detector" Kramer gave Newman in exchange for a helmet, which Newman now demands back.
      Kramer: We had a deal! There's no guarantees in life!
      Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer!
      Jerry: ..."Karma Kramer"?

The Ticket

  • When Jerry and George agree to write the pilot for NBC, George complains that Ted Danson gets more money than him:
    George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?
    Jerry: He's somebody.
    George: What about me?
    Jerry: You're nobody.
    George: Why him? Why not me?
    Jerry: He's good, you're not.
    George: I'm better than him.
    Jerry: You're worse! Much, much worse.
    • In the same episode, Newman trying to get out of a speeding ticket by having Kramer pretend to be suicidal so Newman had an excuse to be breaking the speed limit (that is, to rush home to prevent Kramer from going through with it). But because of the kick to the head from Crazy Joe Devola, Kramer forgets his prepared lines, blowing Newman's cover.
      Newman: Your honor, your honor, Mr. Kramer's obviously very distraught!
      Kramer: I'm distraught?! (makes funny noise)

The Wallet

  • Kramer's hair catching on fire after he lights a cigar.
    • Morty at the doctor's office, filling out a medical form: "Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?"
    Morty: (to receptionist) Here. You got my name, you got my address. That's enough.
    • Morty, after coming back into the room and checking his pants: "MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE!"
    • The way Elaine says "sexually" when talking to Dr. Reston about her "relationship" with Kramer.

The Watch

  • Elaine coaches Kramer on what to say to Dr. Reston when he asks about their relationship. Kramer asks how often they do it. Elaine initially protests that it's irrelevant but relents and says:
    Elaine: All right, we do it, uh... five times a week. All right?
    Kramer: (turned on) Ooh baby.
    • Morty insists on paying for dinner, despite his wallet from the previous episode still missing.
    Jerry: Alright, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum.

The Bubble Boy

The Cheever Letters

  • The scene where Jerry mentions that his latest girlfriend started with the dirty talking. When George asks what exactly she said, Jerry tells him something in hushed tones, causing George to inadvertently squirt the ketchup bottle he's holding.

The Opera

  • Even though the episode was Darker and Edgier than the rest of the series, it did have George in his tuxedo, which made him look like a penguin.
    • Plus Jerry's softshoe rendition of the Bugs Bunny Show theme song.

The Virgin

  • Saying hello:
    Jerry: Hi, Marla.
    Marla: Jerry.
    Jerry: George, Marla.
    George: Marla.
    Marla: George. Jerry, Stacey.
    Jerry: Stacey.
    Stacey: Jerry.
    Jerry: George, Stacey.
    George: Stacey.
    Stacey: George.
    Jerry: (Hinting) George.
    George: (Getting the hint to leave) Jerry. Marla... Stacey!
    • When ordering Chinese food, Kramer tells Jerry, "Get extra MSG."
    • When Marla reveals to Jerry what Elaine said, about how men always want to leave right away after sex:
      Jerry: Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine says about relationships. She comes from a broken home. And I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape.
    • George wants to break up with Susan without affecting the pilot, and he comes up with a plan:
      George: She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean, a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out, they fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman.
      Jerry: This is your plan?
      George: No, no. I'm just thinking.
      Jerry: I don't think you are.

The Contest

  • The episode can be summed up with two scenes: George's Intercourse With Himself confession and Kramer's, uh, "little moment". It should be no surprise it always ranks high on "funniest TV/Seinfeld episodes" lists.
    Kramer: "I'M OUT!"
    • George and Jerry at each other's throats because they're going through withdrawal of not masturbating:
      George: All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee?!
      Jerry: I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! (intercom buzzes; he answers) Yeah?!
      Elaine: It's Elaine.
      Jerry: COME ON UP!!!
      George: Where did you get those socks?
      Jerry: I don't know.
      George: I think those are my socks!
      Jerry: How are these your socks?!
      George: I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore!
      Jerry: Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them!
      George: Yeah, well, they're my socks!
      Jerry: They're MY socks!
    • On paper, a line like "I come home and find my son treating his body like it's an amusement park" isn't funny. The way Estelle Harris says it makes it utterly hysterical.

The Airport

The Pick

  • Elaine's nipple being exposed on her Christmas card. At her office everybody starts calling her "Nip." Newman's bored reaction to seeing the nipple and Jerry trying to reassure Elaine. "So what? It's a nipple! Here look see he's got them I got them...Everybody's got them!" Also, the woman watching Jerry scratching his nose and from her angle it looks like he's picking his nose and her disgusted reaction. Also, George and Jerry's discussing whether it was a pick or a scratch.
    • Elaine to George complaining that he didn't get a Christmas card:
      "You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card?"
      (Grabs George's face and rubs it in her chest)
      "Here! Here's your Christmas card!"
    • When Jerry defends his nose-picking: "And what if I did do it? Even though I admit to nothing, and never will. What does that make me? And I'm not here just defending myself, but all those pickers out there who've been caught. Each and every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation because of people like you. Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?! I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!"

The Movie

  • The gang's descriptions of each other.
    Kramer (describing Jerry): If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, he's got, uh, a big head and flared nostrils.
    George (describing Jerry): Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face, big teeth and a - and a pointed nose?
    George (describing Elaine): I went in with a pretty woman? You know, kinda short, big wall o'hair, face like a frying pan?
    Elaine (describing Kramer): Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a, uh, a tall, lanky doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?

The Visa

The Shoes

  • George is enjoying the view down a woman's loose shirt and her dad steps up behind him: "Get a good look, Costanza?"
    • Earlier in the scene, an ill Mr. Dalrymple runs to the bathroom because he has to throw up again. This is during his meeting about Jerry and George's script, mind you.
      George: (confused) Do you think he like it?
      (Dalrymple is heard vomiting loudly from the bathroom)
      Jerry: ...I'm not sure.

The Outing

  • How many other shows can milk humour out of a two-line phone?
    George: Look, do you want to have sex right now? Do you want to have sex right now?! Let's go! COME ON, LET'S GO, BABY!!!
    • George claiming that he's gay to get rid of his girlfriend, Allison:
      George: I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay.
      Allison: You're gay?
      George: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.

The Old Man

  • Sid Fields had the best lines in the episode, especially his introductory scene.
    Sid: Who the hell is it?!
    Jerry: Mr. Fields?
    Sid: What!?!
    Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.
    Sid: Agency? What agency? The CIA?!
    Jerry: No, no, the-
    Sid: Who let you in here?
    Jerry: The woman, she-
    Sid: Oh, her. She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My ass she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the hell out of my house!
    Jerry: Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you.
    Sid: Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to kill me? I'm an old man, for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!?
    Jerry: No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm- (tries to show him a card)
    Sid: I can't read that you fool...
    Jerry: (notices piles of records) What's all this stuff?
    Sid: Trash. Garbage.
    Jerry: You're throwin' this out??
    Sid: I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot.
    Jerry: You don't want any of this?
    Sid: Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, Ein-stein!
    Jerry: You know I have some friends who would really like to have these.
    Sid: Well, take it. I'm sure as hell not going to give it to my family.
    Jerry: Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee...
    Sid: With you? I'd rather be dead.
    Jerry: Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.
    Sid: Good. Thank God. Good riddance. Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!!
    • The senior that George gets is the exact opposite of George: Upbeat, not at all concerned with death, and grateful for every moment he has. George keeps obsessing over his positive attitude, and eventually the man gets up from the coffee shop table and, before ditching him, sums up George in a simple statement: "Life's too short to waste on you."
    • Elaine's senior has a huge goiter on her neck, so Elaine is uncomfortable looking at her. That is, until the woman casually mentions her brief love affair with Gandhi.
    Mrs. O: Oh, the passion. The forbidden pleasure. (...) He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body.
    • When Newman and Kramer ask Jerry for any used records:
    George: Let me ask you something … what—what do you do for a living, Newman?
    Newman (proudly): I'm a United States postal worker.
    George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
    Newman (beat): … Sometimes.

The Implant

  • The whole "double dipping" conversation:
    Timmy: What are you doing?
    George: What?
    Timmy: Did you just double dip that chip?
    George: (confused) Excuse me?
    Timmy: (accusing) You double dipped the chip!
    George: "Double dipped"? What are you talking about?
    Timmy: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. (points at the dip) And you dipped again.
    George: (unconcerned) ...So?
    Timmy That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and END it!
    George: (defiantly) Well, I'm sorry, Timmy... but I don't dip that way.
    Timmmy: You don't, huh?
    George: No. (dips the chip) You dip the way you want to dip...(bites the chip) I'll dip the way I want to dip. (dips again)
    (the two engage in a scuffle)

The Junior Mint

  • Kramer pesters Jerry about joining him to see the operation. A surly Jerry replies: "All right, just lemme finish my coffee!... Then we can watch 'em slice this fat bastard up."
    • Kramer and Jerry observe an artist's splenectomy and accidentally drop a Junior Mint from the viewing gallery into the patient's body. Their bewildered expressions as they watch this happen is priceless.
      George: How could they not notice it?
      Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.
    • The subplot of Jerry not knowing his girlfriend's name. Jerry gets an idea to find out: Have Kramer introduce himself to her, so she'll have to say her name as well. It backfires:
      Dolores: Oh, hello.
      Kramer: Hello, I'm Kramer.
      Dolores: Nice to meet you.
      Kramer: See you later. (leaves)
      • Later on, as Dolores is leaving the apartment and George comes in:
      George: Hi, I'm George.
      Dolores: Oh, nice to meet you, George! (leaves)
      George: *pats disappointed Jerry on the shoulder* I gave it a shot.

The Smelly Car

The Handicap Spot

  • When George acts as Frank's butler:
    Frank: I don't think you did such a good job on these shoes.
    (an irritated George slowly shuts off the vacuum cleaner)
    George: What?
    Frank: You're supposed to see your face in there. (holds the shoe up to George's face) DO YOU SEE YOUR FACE IN THERE?!
    • This bit of irony, when the gang finds out that The Drake gave the big screen TV to charity instead of back to them:
    Jerry: "Charity"? That's appalling!
    George: How could anyone be so selfish and inconsiderate?

The Pilot Part 1

  • George is convinced, against all reason, that he's dying, and Jerry is getting sick of trying to calm him down.
    Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
    George: No, I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. (starts getting fired up) I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity! I live my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?!
    • Kramer fakes laughter to prove he's a good actor. Jerry says it's no good and shows him how to do it. George walks in on the both of them laughing and asks: "Why are you two pretending to be laughing?"

The Pilot Part 2

  • The whole subplot where George suspects Tom of stealing the box of raisins in the audition. He approaches him twice about it. The second time:
    George: Listen. I know we've had our problems in the past, but we got a show to do tonight. Time to pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say, let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins... they weren't even my raisins. I was just curious, because it seems like a strange to do to walk into a room, audition, and to walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins. We'll have a nice laugh.
    Tom: How would you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now, and shoved it down your throat?

    Season 5 

The Mango

The Puffy Shirt

  • Jerry: "But I don't wanna be a pirate!" here.
    • This argument between George's parents, after George reveals he's going to be a hand model:
      Estelle: I knew it. I knew it. I always knew you always had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands?
      Frank: Who the hell did ya ever mention his hands to?
      Estelle: I mentioned his hands to plenty of people!
      Frank: You never mentioned them to me!
      Estelle: I always talk about your hands, how they're so soft and milky white.
      Frank: No! You never said "milky white"!
      Estelle: (angrily) I said "milky white"!
      Estelle: Georgie, would you like some jello?
      Frank: Why'd you put the bananas in there?
    • George freaking out over anything that might wreck the perfect state of his hands because a woman said his hands are nice enough for him to be a hand model.
    • The sight of Jerry wearing the puffy shirt.
    • The client, on who George's hands remind him of: Ray McKigney. George learns of his tragic story:
    Client: He could've had any woman in the world, but none could match the beauty of his own hand And that became his one true love.
    George: You mean, uh...?
    Client: Yes. He was not master of his domain.
    George: But how, uh...?
    Client: The muscles... became so strained with overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing but a claw. He traveled the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists, herbalists, swamis... nothing helped. Towards the end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's, until today. You are his successor. I... only hope you have a little more self-control.
    George: You don't have to worry about me. I won a contest. Note 

The Glasses

  • Kramer grills Dwayne about giving George the optometry discount, and his guilt-tripping speech sounds an awful lot like confronting a recovering drug/alcohol addict:
    Kramer: What is going on here?
    Dwayne: What are you talking about?
    Kramer: I'm talking about the thirty percent discount.
    Dwayne: Who said anything about a discount.
    Kramer: Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy.
    Dwayne: For what?
    (Kramer pulls out a candy bar)
    Kramer: Remember this?
    Dwayne: What are you doing?
    Kramer: Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two Butterfingers on the train. Sounds familiar?
    Dwayne: Put that away!
    Kramer: Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all hopped up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuff a cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude... yeah, YEAH, YEAH!!!
    Dwayne: (snaps) All right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away!
    • And before that, when George buys the glasses in the first place, he takes Kramer's suggestion to "mention my name" unusually literally...
      George: ... Kramer.
    • Elaine's little miscommunication with the doctor.
      Elaine: That's it? I don't need a shot?
      Doctor: No shot. Dog bite.
      Elaine: Nonono. I wasn't shot. Do I NEED a shot?
      Doctor: Not shot. Dog bite. Woof-woof, not bang-bang.
      (And when he finally cooperates..)
      Elaine: Is this gonna hurt?
      Doctor: Yes. Very much. (Quickly stabs the syringe in her arms and injects)
    • George tells Jerry he's going to eat an apple from the fridge but he bites into something else.
    Elaine: You know, George? That's an onion.
    George: (pauses) Yes, it is. (continues eating)
    • And what follows:
      Elaine: He couldn't tell an apple from an onion, and he's your eye witness?!
      George: I saw them making out, you can believe it.
      Jerry: I don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on!
    • Twice in the episode, Jerry is at an impasse with his girlfriend, and to try to smooth things over, he asks her, "Wanna get some pizza?" while smiling widely.

The Sniffing Accountant

  • Everyone always mentions Kramer acting as a druggie as a funny moment (and indeed it is), but the antics in the getaway car are great too:
    Kramer: What's today?
    Newman: It's Thursday.
    Kramer: Really? Feels like Tuesday.
    Newman: Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel...
    Kramer: I feel Tuesday and Wednesday...
    Jerry: All right, shut up the both of you!
    • And Newman's adamant refusal to try Glide dental floss, insisting on sticking with Dento-Tape. When Jerry finally gets Newman to try Glide, Newman is dissatisfied and places the used floss on Jerry's dashboard.
    • The scene where Jerry calls Barry's office and hears he's out of town... in South America.
      Jerry: Who goes to South America?!
      Elaine: People go to South America!
      Jerry: Yeah, and they come back with things taped to their large intestine!
      Elaine: So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?
      Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.
    • The Elaine subplot involves breaking up with her boyfriend because he didn't use an exclamation point when leaving a message that her friend had a baby. She just happens to be in Jerry's apartment when he and Kramer are writing a letter to Barry terminating their business, and make sure to use lots of exclamation points for emphasis. The juxtaposition is fantastic.
      Jerry: I will expect all funds in the form of cashier checks no later than the 18th!
      Kramer: (beat) Double exclamation point.

The Bris

  • The discussion on Pig-men.
    • At the hospital, when Kramer is intent on freeing the pigman:
      Kramer: Hey, you got room for the pigman?
      George: The pigman can take the bus.
      Kramer: Y'know, if the pigman had a car, he'd give you a ride.
      George: How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?
      Kramer: (incredulously) Be realistic, George.
    • The mohel's rant:
      Mohel: (something falls in the kitchen) What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I almost had a heart attack! All right, I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to perform the mitzvah of the bris and... (the baby cries) Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry? 'Cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your child? 'Cause this is the time to exercise it when baby is crying in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane!!!
      Elaine: ...Did you find the place alright?
      Mohel: Did I find it alright? Could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag, 'course, I'll be lying there on the street in this neighborhood and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh, what's the point.
      (Elaine sets her glass down on a table)
      Mohel: Darling, you see where that glass is? How that glass is near the edge of the table? You got the whole table there to put the glass. Why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table, you breathe and that glass falls over! Then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. You can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces! And then you think you got it all, and two years later, you're walkin' barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you KILL yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is it? Do you?!
      Elaine: ...He's very highly recommended, so...

The Lip Reader

  • The restaurant scene, guest-starring Marlee Matlin as Jerry's deaf linesman girlfriend. George realizes she can read lips to find out why a recent girlfriend broke up with him. They carry out a whole conversation using various methods of hiding their lips from her, but she still follows them perfectly, and immediately agrees.
    • The scene at the party, where George concocts a scheme to have Laura sign Gwen's and Todd's dialogue from afar, and Kramer interpret her sign language to George. Kramer messes up what Laura's signing, mistaking "Maybe you can stick around after everybody leaves and we can sweep together." as "sleep together", prompting George to chew out Gwen in front of everyone. When Gwen corrects him that she said "sweep", not "sleep", George signals to Kramer and Laura to abort the plan:
      Kramer: "Yes, sweep."
      George: Cut it.
      Kramer: George says "Cut it."
      George: (getting more annoyed) Cut it.
      Kramer: George is saying "Cut it."
      George: Cut it- WOULD YOU STOP SIGNING?!

The Non-Fat Yogurt

  • Jerry accidentally swore in front of a boy named Matthew, prompting Jerry to apologize and teach Matthew that it's not right to swear. But then Matthew unraveled his cassette tape (which featured a great performance he made the other night), causing Jerry to shout:
    Jerry: What the (fuck) are you doing, you little piece of (shit)?!?!
    • Kramer repeatedly getting proven wrong is pretty funny. First, he claims that you can't let ice cream melt or it changes the molecules; the lab technician flatly refutes this and Kramer looks offended. Later, Jerry gets the results: "Well, the yogurt verdict is in. (Beat) FAT." Kramer (who was adamant than the yogurt was non-fat) falls backward and squeaks out an embarrassed "Yeah!"
    • When Jerry and Elaine confront Kramer about him dating the chemist, who is testing their yogurt for fat content:
      Jerry: You can't take that chemist out.
      Kramer: Why not?
      Jerry: Because she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered.
      Kramer: I'm not taking her out just to influence the results.
      Jerry: Well, I think the whole thing stinks.
      Elaine: It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad.
      Jerry: (to Elaine) That's enough already.
      Elaine: What?
      Jerry: With the "smells".
    • The subplot involves George faking an elbow injury to fool Lloyd Braun. He even goes so far as to schedule a doctor's appointment, and the doctor calls him on his bullshit:
      Doctor: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?
      George: Faking? What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?
      Doctor: I don't know what kind of a person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time.

The Barber

  • The whole subplot with George showing up for work even though he wasn't sure if he was hired. This ends with a great exchange:
    Tuttle: So, where's that Penske file? Let's see what you've been up to all week.
    (George hands him the file; it has barely been touched)
    Tuttle: (looks at it) ...What have you been doing all week?
    George: (unconcerned) Well, you missed a lovely party that we had for Grace.
    Tuttle: (confirming) You... haven't done anything with this.
    George: Well, bear in mind, I am in a smaller office.
    Tuttle: I'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything.
    George: You are aware... that, uh, Penske is interested in me.
    Tuttle: (scoffs) You're not Penske material.
    George: (smugly) Really. Well, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta, Tutt-ell. (leaves)

The Masseuse

  • After Kramer describes his heavenly massage to Jerry (who hasn't been given one yet), Jerry snaps him out of his relaxed state and tells him that until he gets a massage, Kramer can't have one either. This leads to a hilarious remark from Kramer: "Wait a minute, I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out?!"
    • The subplot involves Elaine dating a man named Joel Rifkin, who decides to change his name after realizing it's named after a serial killer. The two exchange potential names, and one Joel chooses is Alex:
    Elaine: ...I gotta tell ya, I have a bad association with "Alex".
    Joel: Bad association?
    Elaine: Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee, and after every sip he would go: "Ahh!" I mean, every two seconds: "Ahh!" And he would take, like, forty sips, and after everyone: "Ahh!" I had to drop the class.

The Cigar Store Indian

  • George tries to pass off Estelle and Frank's house as his own to impress a woman while they're away. She sees a picture:
    Sylvia: Is this your son in the bubble bath?
    George: ...No, that's me.
    Sylvia: Oh. You don't see many guys your age who keep baby pictures of themselves around. (laughs) I like it. Consistent with the rest of the house.
    • Jerry is desperately trying to convince his latest girlfriend, Winona, that he's not racist. His case isn't helped when Kramer rides by in a taxi with the titular object and yelling, "Hey Jerry, look what I got! (war whoops)
    • This line, after his Fee Fi Faux Pas of asking a Chinese mailman where the nearest Chinese restaurant is:
    Jerry: You know, I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is?! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the handle!
    • "Elaine! You look scrumptious!"

The Conversion

  • Frank's under the impression that Latvian Orthodox is the group that "goes around mutilating squirrels".

The Stall

  • Kramer and George are polar opposites when it comes to rock climbing. Kramer yodels exuberantly, while a petrified George squeaks out a shaky "yodelayheehoo!"
    • Kramer is convinced that Jerry's latest girlfriend is a phone sex operator that he's called. Jerry thinks the idea is ridiculous:
    Jerry: Oh you're crazy.
    Kramer: Am I? or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
    Jerry: It's impossible!
    Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible, your head is spinning like a top?
    Jerry: It can't be!
    Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?!

The Dinner Party

  • George complains about having to buy a gift for the party:
    George: I just don't like the idea that every time there is a dinner invitation, there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it.
    Jerry: Y'know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.
    • When Jerry and Elaine find a loose hair in their bobka, they think it's disgusting until they start accusing each other of being the culprit for the hair:
    Elaine: What is wrong with my hair? Nothing. Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head.
    Jerry: You use that misty herbal rain water crap they sell in the health food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. A hundred proof, takes your roots out.
    George: Do chickens have individual personalities? If you had five chickens could you tell them apart by just the way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around, "Cluck cluck cluck"? Because if they have individual personalities, I don't think we should be eating them.
    • When Jerry and Elaine finally get the cinnamon bobka (actually their second one after the first one had a hair in it), the cashier starts coughing as she grabs it:
      Jerry: (disgusted) Ah, that's lovely. Just what you want to see, yeah. You want to trade your hair for some phlegm.
    • At the start of the episode Jerry asks Elaine if it's going to be "frightfully" cold outside and she asks what his definition of that is. Cue George entering the apartment in a comically bulky and oversized parka.
    • Even better is when Jerry and Elaine repeatedly slap George's jacket, asking if he can feel it. Eventually George gets fed up with it and tells them to knock it off.

The Marine Biologist

  • Kramer towards the beginning of the episode:
    Kramer: Whoooo wants to have some fun?!
    Jerry/George: I do.
    Kramer: Now are you saying you wanna have fun, or do you REALLY wanna have FUN?!
    Jerry: I really wanna have fun!
    George: I'm just saying I wanna have some fun.
    • The "fun" in question turns out to be hitting golf balls into the ocean. George and Jerry react to his characteristically enthusiastic pitch with a blank silence before they start discussing plans to get lunch and heading out the door without any further acknowledgement.
    • George telling how he saved the whale. It got a golf ball stuck in its that had been hit by Kramer earlier in the episode.
    Kramer: What is that, a Titleist? ...A hole-in-one, huh?
    • And one of George's funniest lines in the whole series:
    George: The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
    • Jerry's description of his yellow shirt that he's had for six years, affectionately called "Golden Boy."

The Pie

  • "Poppy's a little sloppy."

The Stand-In

  • The entire "He took it out" scene.
    Jerry: How was your date?
    Elaine: Oh, the date. The date.
    Jerry: Ya how was it?
    Elaine: Interesting.
    Jerry: Really.
    Elaine: Oh yeah.
    Jerry: Why, what happened?
    Elaine: Let's see... how shall I put this.
    Jerry: Just put it.
    Elaine: He took it out.
    Jerry: He what?
    Elaine: He took (blows on her glasses twice to clean them) it out.
    Jerry: He took what out?
    Elaine: It.
    Jerry: He took it out?
    Elaine: Yessiree, Bob.
    Jerry: He couldn't.
    Elaine: He did.
    Jerry: Well you were involved in some sort of amorous...
    Elaine: Noooo.
    Jerry: You mean he just...
    Elaine: Yes.
    Jerry: Are you sure?
    Elaine: Oh quite.
    Jerry: There was no mistaking it?
    Elaine: Jerry.
    Jerry: So you were talking, you're having pleasant conversation, then all of sudden...
    Elaine: Yeah.
    Jerry: It.
    Elaine: It.
    Jerry: Out.
    Elaine: Out.
    Jerry: Well I, I can't believe this. I know Phil, he, he's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?
    Elaine: Oh it be! You got any other friends you want to set me up with?
    • The best part is when she told Kramer 'he took it out' he immediately reacted in horror.
      Kramer: Well, maybe he needed some air!
    • George saying "I spent so much time trying to get the women's clothes off I've never thought of taking mine off."
    • Jerry desperately wants to make depressed, hospital-ridden Fulton laugh, so he goes in with all new material. It doesn't end well.
      Jerry: ...This guy's belching up vitamins!
      Fulton: Ha ha ha! Stop!
      Jerry: And this whole justice league: Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything?
      Fulton: (laughing so hard he can't breathe) Stop!
      Jerry: For crying out loud, he's Superman!
      (Fulton's laughing abruptly stops)
      Jerry: (concerned) Fulton?... (bemused) Fulton?
    • Kramer and Mickey playing rock paper scissors in-between takes.
    Kramer/Mickey: Rock, paper, scissors, match.
    Mickey: All right, rock beats paper. (smacks Kramer's hand)
    Kramer: I thought paper covered rock?
    Mickey: Nah, rock flies right through paper.
    Kramer: What beats rock?
    Mickey: (shrugs) Nothing beats rock.
    Kramer: All right, come on.
    Kramer/Mickey: Rock, paper, scissors, match.
    Kramer: Rock.
    Mickey: Rock.
    Kramer/Mickey: Rock, paper, scissors, match.
    Kramer: Rock.
    Mickey: Rock.

The Wife

  • Elaine and George's argument over whether it's okay to pee in the shower. See main article for a transcript.
    • The no-nonsense owner of Monk's who catches Jerry and his "wife" Meryl smuggling in syrups to use at the table.
      Owner: Uh, we don't allow any outside syrups, jams or condiments in the restaurant. (a little intimidating) And if I catch you in here with that again... I will confiscate it.
    • The fight between Jerry and Meryl over a can opener. It sounds so much Like an Old Married Couple.
    Jerry: (looking in a drawer) Honey, what did you do with the can opener?
    Meryl: I didn't do anything with it.
    Jerry: It's not here. It was here yesterday.
    Meryl: It's in the first drawer.
    Jerry: I'm looking in the first drawer. It's not here.
    Meryl: Yes, it is.
    Jerry: Hey, I'm not stupid. I'm looking in that drawer. There's no can opener.
    Meryl: Did I say you were stupid?
    Jerry: Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell me there's a can opener in the drawer, I'm looking, there's no can opener. What other conclusion could one reach?!
    Meryl: You want me to go find it?
    Jerry: Yes, I do. You show me where there's a can opener in that drawer! (answers his phone) Hello! I'm sorry. I'm just fighting with my wife.

The Raincoats

  • Aaron the close-talker. Particularly good is when he asks Jerry if he wants to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art with he, Morty, and Helen:
    Aaron: (about an inch from Jerry's face) How about you, Jerry?
    Jerry: I'm swamped.
    • And when he meets Kramer: "Oh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer, who defensively retreats and falls down) I've heard about you!"
      Kramer: You must be Aaron; I've heard about you.
    • "Wouldn't to be a big me?"
    • George asks Helen and Morty to send a Big Brother Program worker a postcard while they're in Paris:
      Jerry: He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.
      Helen: Why?
      Jerry: (matter-of-factly) Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.
    • "How could you?! You were making out during... Schindler's List?!"
    • Helen borrows her son's catchphrase on seeing Newman.
    Helen: Hello, Newman!
    • When Jerry reveals that his latest girlfriend lives with her parents:
    George: Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
    Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way.

The Fire

  • The story behind Kramer saving a pinky toe, which includes taking the wheel of a bus and thwarting an attacker at the same time.
    George: (in awe) You're Batman!
    Kramer: Yeah, yeah I am Batman.
    • The finishing touch is Kramer's reveal that he kicked the attacker out "at the next stop":
      Jerry: You kept making all the stops?!
      Kramer: Well, people kept ringin' the bell!
    • The flashback to one of George's birthdays. It's Frank telling him, "Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles, I said! Blow out the damn candles!" and Estelle responding, "STOP IT, FRANK, YOU'RE KILLING HIM!" What's funny, besides Estelle's Comical Overreacting, is that young George doesn't look all that stressed about the situation (it's more like dull surprise), creating an amusing juxtaposition.
    • Eric the Clown(Jon Favreau) being fed up with George bothering him about not knowing who "Bozo the Clown" is, and George being disgusted at a clown that would have such a mundane name as Eric.
      "You're living in the past man! You're hung up on some clown from the SIXTIES man!!"
    • The moment when George sees the fire and sprints for the door, pushing Eric, an old lady, and small children out of his way. If it had been done by any other character apart from George Costanza, it would have been an evil act. Instead, it turns into one of his funniest scenes.
    • And George's excuse for his behavior? That he was leading the way.
      Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
      George: ...It's not easy.
    • Later, George defends himself again to Jerry:
      Jerry: So you feel "women and children first," in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion.
      George: To some degree.
      Jerry: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves.
      George: In a manner of speaking.
      Jerry: Well, it's honest.
      George: Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.
      Jerry: Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently.
      George: (miffed) Perhaps.
  • "The Hamptons": "There was significant shrinkage!"
    George: Do women know about shrinkage?
    Elaine: What do you mean? Like, laundry?
    George: No.
    Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming..... afterward...
    Elaine: (opens her mouth like she knows what he's talking about, but pauses) ...It shrinks?
    Jerry: Like a frightened turtle.
    Elaine: Why does it shrink?
    George: It just does.
    Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
    • Then George gets his revenge on Rachel accidentally seeing his Teeny Weenie by secretly making the morning eggs with lobster, and Rachel, who's kosher, unknowingly eats it:
      Rachel: There's lobster in these eggs?
      George: Not that much. You know, they tend to shrink in the water.
    • Kramer's Innocent Inaccurate explanation of how he got his hands on so many lobsters (by robbing a commercial lobster trap, as is obvious to everyone else): "Well, I found this rope and I kept tugging on it, and all these lobsters came up."
    • While George is in the house, his girlfriend sunbathes topless in full view of the others, to their befuddlement.
      Jerry: This is weird, wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet.
      Elaine: Why do you think we're getting the sneak preview?
      Kramer: Maybe she's trying to create a buzz.
      Elaine: What?
      Kramer: You know, get some good word of mouth goin'.

The Opposite

  • Jerry pokes holes in George's plan to do the opposite, starting with his opposite lunch order:
    Jerry: You know, chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cause salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
    George: Good for the tuna.
    • "My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."
    • George, defying all logic, calls out George Steinbrenner during his interview:
      Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
      George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
      Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
    • As Elaine's luck falls into a downward spiral, George jokingly suggests she move in with his parents. She doesn't take it well.
    Elaine: Was that the opposite of what you were going to say, or was that just instinct?
    George: (sheepish) Instinct.
    Elaine: Stick... with the opposite. (slaps George's forehead)

    Season 6 

The Chaperone

  • Kramer's oddly fierce devotion to mentoring Miss Rhode Island, as well as his Drill Sergeant Nasty demeanor towards her:
    Kramer: If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye. Now if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: Poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit! Evening wear! Talent! POISE!
    • George and Jerry being unable to sleep from the constant pigeon noises outside. Then Jerry dumps some water on them, shutting them up (actually killing them).
      Jerry: Good night, Ollie.
      George: Good night, Stan.
    • Jerry's extremely lame excuse on why the bucket of water was sitting outside the room (which Kramer pieces together that Jerry was the one who killed Miss Rhode Island's pigeons):
    Jerry: We had to leave that outside last night, because the water... was making the room too cold.
    • This line, from Elaine: "I was a great admirer of Mrs. Onass-sis-sis-sis..."
    • This bit after Kramer refuses to let Jerry kiss Miss Rhode Island good night:
    Kramer: (singing to himself) There she is, Miss Amer-
    Jerry: Oh shut the (car honk noise) up!

The Big Salad

  • Jerry and Elaine discuss Newman:
    Elaine: Maybe there's more to Newman than meets the eye.
    Jerry: No there's less. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.

The Pledge Drive

  • Elaine picks up the phone at Jerry's place; it's Jerry's nana on the other line but Elaine thinks it's a man who sounds like a woman who has been harassing Jerry because he thinks his wife was hitting on Jerry.
    Elaine: Oh, it's you. We were just talking about you. Listen: Jerry doesn't want to talk to you. NOBODY wants to talk to you. So why don't you just... DROP. DEAD. (hangs up)
    • George following a man for miles because he thinks he gave him the finger. When he confronts him about it at a gas station, turns out the guy just had one of his hands in a cast.

The Chinese Woman

  • Jerry's non-Asian girlfriend saying "ridicurous." And his double/triple take upon hearing it.

The Couch

  • Poppy deliberately pees on Jerry's sofa. "POPPY PEED ON MY SOFA!"
    • When Jerry grabs Kramer to scream at him "Poppy peed on my sofa!" notice how the water Kramer's holding spills into Jerry's mouth and Jerry spits it out while talking.
    • Kramer's reaction to seeing the pee puddle on the couch is priceless.
    • "The Couch" also features one of the funniest bits in the entire show, when Kramer and Poppy get in an argument about the proper way to cook a pizza, which is an allusion to the whole abortion argument:
      Poppy: No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.
      Kramer: Well, why not? I like cucumbers.
      Poppy: That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.
      Kramer: But that's the idea, you make your own pie.
      Poppy: Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate!
      Kramer: What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?
      Poppy: Because it's a pizza!
      Kramer: It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!
      Poppy: It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!
      Kramer: No, it isn't!
      Poppy: Yes, it is!

The Gymnast

  • The Running Gag of George doing something (ex: Eating a donut out of the trash, cleaning a guy's windshield after he accidentally threw coffee on it, and leaving the bathroom without a shirt on) and Mrs. Enright catching him, causing her to think he's a homeless bum.
    Jerry: (after George describes eating the donut) Well, you, my friend, have now crossed the line that divides man from bum. You are now, a bum.
    • Kramer's super-long and incredibly loud scream when he finally gets the kidney stone loose, causing a performing gymnast to lose concentration and fall.
    • The subplot of Mr. Pitt becoming obsessed with a Magic Eye photo, irritating Elaine. Not realizing he has ink on his hands, Mr. Pitt touches the area underneath his nose, making it look like he has a Hitler mustache. The topper is Mr. Pitt's address at the shareholder's meeting, where he's going to buy the Poland Springs water company:
      Mr. Pitt: I have been accused of wrong-doing. But these false accusations will not deter us. We will annex Poland by the Spring, at any cost! And our stock will rise HIGH! (raises his arm, looking an awful lot like the Nazi salute)

The Soup

  • Elaine tries to replicate Monk's Big Salad by asking for two regular salads in a big bowl, and the waitress at Reggie's (who also happens to be Kramer's girlfriend in the episode) replies, with concentrated disdain:
    Waitress: We don't have "big bowls."
    • Jerry and Bania's episode-long disagreement over what constitutes a meal.
  • "The Chinese Woman": Kramer shouting out the window so loudly that the entire neighborhood could probably hear:
    Kramer: Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's late! She's LAAAAATE!!

The Mom & Pop Store

  • Everything with the Jon Voight car, but especially when Jerry finds the owner's manual with John spelled with an H.
    George: So what are you saying?
    Jerry: Nothing. I'm sure Jon probably misspelled his own name. I know sometimes I spell Jerry with a G. And an I!
    • George and Kramer's plan to match bite marks on a pencil in "Jon Voight's" car with the bite marks on Kramer's arm (he had been bitten by someone he thought was Jon Voight). Jerry weighs in:
    Jerry: Oh, please.
    George: Wait a minute, wait, it's not that stupid.
    Jerry: No, it's stupid.

The Secretary

  • Kramer selling Bania his suit in the suit store, which causes him to hide out in the changing rooms in his underwear:
    Jerry: ...Where are your clothes?
    Kramer: I TOLD you, I sold them to Bania.
    Jerry: You mean what you were wearing?
    Kramer: Yeah.
    Jerry: How did you expect to get out of here??
    Kramer: I didn't think ahead!

The Race

The Switch

The Label-Maker

  • Jerry: I don't trust this guy [Whatley]. I think he re-gifted, then he de-gifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp!!
    • Kramer and Newman play the board game Risk on the subway:
      Newman: I'm not beaten yet. I still have armies in the Ukraine.
      Kramer: Ha ha, the Ukraine. Do you know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.
      Man: I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak.
      Kramer: Yeah well, we're playing a game here, pal.
      Man: (angry) Ukraine is game to you? How about I take your little board and SMASH-!!! (pounds his fist on the game board, sending pieces flying everywhere)

The Scofflaw

  • Gary Fogel in general, especially how he keeps using the word "Jack".
    Gary: Hey, look who's over there. Miss Cool-toes. Check this out, Jack!
    • When he chats up a woman in the coffee shop who always sit by herself and reads:
      Gary: She won't talk to anyone, huh? Oh no, she won't say a word to anybody. Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack!
    • When George goes to the wig place:
      Gary: George, you decided to get a rug! Good for you, Jack!
    • The scene with George, Jerry, and the toupee salesman. Throughout the scene, Jerry keeps criticizing the toupee George was given by the salesman. It ends with the guy griping at Jerry, "All you people with hair think you're so damn superior! You have no idea what it's like. You ever look down in the bottom of your tub and see a fist fulla hair? HOW'D YOU LIKE TO START YOUR DAY WITH THAT?!"

The Beard

  • "I don't like this thing and here's what I'm doing with it!"
    • It's not mentioned much when it comes to this episode, but Jerry making fun of Elaine for not wanting to shake her "shake well" drink is great.
      Elaine: I'm sick of shaking, you have to shake everything now.
      Jerry: ''(shaking so lightly he's barely moving his arm)'' Yeah, that's a real nuisance. Oh this is killin' me. (Elaine looks annoyed)
    • Jerry hooked up to the polygraph and asked if he's seen Melrose Place:
      Lou: What's your name?
      Jerry: Jerry Seinfeld.
      Lou: What is your address?
      Jerry: 129 West 81st street.
      Lou: Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?
      Jerry: I don't know.
      (polygraph wavers)
      Lou: Did Billy sleep with Alison's best friend?
      Jerry: I don't know.
      (more wavering)
      Lou: Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did she enjoy it?
      Jerry: I don't know.
      Lou: Did Jane sleep with Michael again?
      Jerry: ...YES! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him AGAIN! I mean she's crazy! How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she makes me so mad! (rips off the cords and storms out)

The Kiss Hello

  • Jerry rationalizing why he hates the kiss hello:
    Elaine: What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face?
    Jerry: It's the obligation, you know? As soon as this person comes in, you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better.
    Elaine: How 'bout an "intercourse hello"? How would that be?
    Jerry: Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.
    • Jerry's unflattering photo taken by Kramer.
    • After a rant about how Jerry hates kissing, Kramer passionately kissed him, causing Jerry to give a hilarious wide-eyed reaction. George walks in on it, stares, and then slowly backs out of the room and closes the door behind him. And the best part? It was never mentioned again.
    • Mary's comical overreaction to Jerry trying to get back in her favor after rejecting kiss hellos:
      Mary: Look, why don't you do everybody a favor, and just get out of this building? Nobody wants you here. NOBODY!
    • George describing skiing as "shushing".
      George: So let people suffer, while you're shushing all over a mountain!

The Doorman

  • The entire conversation between George and his mom in the car.
    • The Bro. (a male version of a bra)
      • MANSIERRE!
    • George and his mother walking in on Kramer putting the bro on George's father.
    • The ending, where Elaine comes into Jerry's apartment and Poppy happens to be there. He doesn't react well. Note 
    Poppy: I gotta sit down!
    Jerry/Elaine: No, Poppy!!!
    • Jerry outsmarted by the doorman, and his daydream about it. had a funny description of his facial expression after the daydream: "Jerry has an expression of pure hatred for all doormen."

The Jimmy

  • Kramer's line about eating before surgery: "You've got to eat before surgery. You need your strength."
    • Kramer being mistaken for a mentally-challenged person because 1) He was wearing shoes with padding on the front which made him walk funny, and 2) He just came from the dentist where he had novocaine, so he was slurring his speech. As a result, he's invited to the Able Mentally Challenged Adults dinner as a guest of honor.
      • When they realize Kramer's been mistaken for a mentally-challenged adult, Jerry and Elaine have to stop and seriously contemplate what the difference is.
        Elaine: He thinks you're mentally challenged!
        Jerry: know.
        Elaine: Well, what happens when you show up?! He'll see that you're not!
        Jerry: —Not necessarily, because...
        Elaine: (simultaneously) —All right, no.

The Doodle

  • When Jerry discovers why he has fleas.
    Jerry: Oh, I know the chunky that left these chunkies! NEWMAN!!!!
    • When Jerry goes to confront Newman about it:
      Newman: Hello, Jerry. What a pleasant surprise.
      Jerry: There's nothing pleasant about it, Newman, so let's just cut the crap! You gave me fleas! I know it, and you know it!
      Newman: Fleas? (laughs) That's preposterous. How could I give you fleas? Now if you don't mind...
      Jerry: Oh! But I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your little snack bar. (Newman itches wildly while Jerry has his back to him)
      Newman: So , you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squalor.
      Jerry: You know Newman, the thing about fleas is that they irritate the skin and they start to... itch. Oh, maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty but after a while, no matter how much will power a person may have, it won't matter, because they're crawling... crawling on your skin, up your legs, up your spine, up your back...

The Fusilli Jerry

  • Kramer gets the wrong license plates: "I'm Cosmo Kramer, the ASSMAN!"
    • Even better is when Frank says it, upon spotting Kramer's license plate after he learns about how Kramer supposedly "stopped short" with Estelle:
      Frank: "ASSMAN"? I'll show him Assman!
    • Then when he confronts Kramer about it in Jerry's apartment:
      Kramer: C'mon, Frank, relax! I don't even know what you're talking about!
      Frank: You think I don't know? ASS-MAAAAAAAAAAAAN?!?!?!
    • Kramer speculated it was supposed to go to a proctologist. He's proven right when the one they end up at to treat Frank's Ass Shove has a photo of a boat with the same name up.
    Kramer: So, you're the Assman!
    Dr. Cooperman: [winks at him]

The Diplomat's Club

The Face Painter

The Understudy

  • A star-struck Kramer waiting on bedridden Bette Midler hand and foot after being knocked down by George during a baseball game:
    Bette: If I don't get a black-and-white cookie, I'm not going to be very pleasant to be around.
    Kramer: Now that's impossible.
    (Bette sports a flattered smile)
    • Jerry, George, and Gennice are all harassed for putting Bette Middler in the hospital. Jerry shares what he's going through:
    Jerry: Hey, I'm being heckled on stage. People are yelling out "Gilooly!"

    Season 7 

The Engagement

  • The subplot involves Kramer, Elaine, and Newman kidnapping a yelping dog who's been keeping Elaine up at night, and dumping it far away outside the city. Amazingly, the dog runs all the way back into NYC to its owner, and a piece of fabric from a Rudy's shirt (that Kramer was wearing) is attached to its collar. This leads the cops arresting the trio. When the cops knock on Newman's door:
    Newman: (unconcerned; disdainful) What took you so long?

The Postponement

  • Kramer guilt-tripping Jerry about littering.
    Jerry: (sarcastically) Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.
    Kramer: Maybe I will.
    • Kramer's coffee accidentally scalding him when he gets into his movie seat. The way Kramer spasms about when it happens is hilarious.
      Usher: Whatcha got? One of those Cafe Latte's in your shirt?!
    • Elaine, depressed and resentful because George got engaged before her, confides her feelings in a rabbi who lives in her building, only for him to blab her private business to everybody he comes in contact with from that point forward. It pays off spectacularly in The Stinger, when Susan and George stumble upon his show while watching TV and react silently to the following (with dawning Oh, Crap! on George's part):
      "The prophet Isaiah tells us without friends our lives are empty and meaningless. ... A young lady I know—let's call her Elaine—happened to find herself overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and hostility for her friend—let's call him George. She felt that George was somewhat of a loser, and that she was the one who deserved to be married first. She also happened to mention to me that her friend had wondered if going to a prostitute while you're engaged is considered cheating. His feeling was, they're never going to see each other again, so what's the difference. But that is a subject for another sermon. Now, I'd like to close with a psalm."

The Maestro

  • Elaine making out with Bob "The Maestro" Cobb:
    Elaine: Oh Bob, Bob...
    (Bob stops kissing her)
    Elaine: Maestro.
    (Bob resumes kissing her)
    • Jerry's obsession with whether there are truly no available units in Tuscany gets around to George, who is unusually the Only Sane Man:
      Jerry: He (Maestro) tells me there are no houses any where in Tuscany to rent.
      George: Huh. You renting a house in Tuscany?
      Jerry: No.
      George: So what do you care?
    • Kramer hopped up on coffee, since he won the lawsuit where he spilled hot coffee on himself and got free coffee for life as the settlement.

The Wink

  • After George blames Jerry for squirting him in the eye with a grapefruit, thus causing an involuntary wink that got Morgan in trouble at work:
    George: Why didn't you eat a real breakfast?
    Jerry: Hey, I eat healthy. If I have to take out an eye, that's the breaks!

The Hot Tub

  • George's ribbing being mistaken for angry threats:
    Wilhelm: George! Get ahold of yourself!
    • When George Steinbrenner and George were in the hottub.

The Soup Nazi

  • Perhaps the ultimate example of "Seinfeld" Is Unfunny:
    George: I couldn't help but notice the guy in front of me got free bread.
    Soup Nazi: You want free bread? No soup for you! (takes soup, while his assistant simultaneously hands the money back to George)
    • A scene later is great, when Jerry is practically orgasming while eating his soup:
      George: I don't know how you can sit there eating and not even offer me any.
      Jerry: I gave you a taste; what do you want?!
      George: Why can't we share?
      Jerry: I told you not to say anything! You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules, and expect me to share with you!
      George: Do you hear yourself??
      Jerry: I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime!
    • George tries again, and notices:
      George: (checking bag) Bread. Beautiful.
      The Soup Nazi: You're pushing your luck, little man.
      George: Sorry, thank you. (quickly leaves)
    • When Jerry chooses soup over the woman he's dating:
      Elaine: Yeah, you know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you.
      Jerry: Really?
      Elaine: Yeah, come on, I mean think about it. He's engaged to be married. Your top priority is soup.
      Jerry: Have you tasted the soup?
      Elaine: ...Yeah all right, you made the right decision.
      Jerry: See, the way I figure it, it's much easier to patch things up with Sheila than with the Soup Nazi.

The Secret Code

  • When George refuses to share his PIN number with Susan, he justifies it by saying he doesn't know when she has her monthly cycles.
    Susan: Well from now on I'll keep you apprised of my cycles!
    George: Please!
    Susan: Anything else?
    George: ...We're out of Bosco!

The Pool Guy

  • George explaining the struggle between relationship George and independent George. Also, when Elaine gets in Jerry's apartment and George goes to her "You're killing Independent George!"
    George: If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship!George, but there is also Independent!George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with: Movie!George, coffeeshop!George, liar!George...bawdy!George!
    Jerry: I love that George!
    George: Me too! And he's DYING, Jerry! If relationship!George walks through that door, he will KILL independent!George! A George divided against itself CANNOT STAND!
    • The scene where George walks into Monk's and sees his friends sitting with Susan. His short-but-sweet reaction is priceless.
    George: (at Susan) One, (at Elaine), two, (at Kramer) three... (at Jerry, who smiles nervously) four. Ho-HO!!! (storms out)
    • When Jerry and Kramer bump into Ramone at the movies, and he wants to sit with them (the seat between Jerry and Kramer is empty so Jerry can have his buffer zone).
      Jerry: Uh oh, there's Ramone, pretend like we're talking.
      Kramer: We are talking.
      Jerry: Pretend it's interesting.
      Kramer: Oh. So, anyway, I had to kill him, and well, the police are still looking for me.
    • When Newman accidentally jumps on Ramon in the pool, knocking him out.
      Jerry: I think he's gonna need... mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
      Newman: ...Mouth-to-mouth?
      Jerry: Yeah. So, g'ahead.
      Newman: You go.
      Jerry: You knocked him out.
      Newman: Yeah, but you pulled him in.
      Jerry: Come on, Newman, do it.
      Newman: (shakes head) Nah.
      Jerry: He might die.
      Newman: Yeah, maybe.
    • When Elaine is told this story by Jerry later, she tells the person selling tickets at the movie theater:
      Elaine: Three for Chunnel. Two adults... (looking at Jerry disapprovingly) one child.
    • Kramer's subplot in the episode involves his new phone number being one number off of Moviefone. He takes the opportunity to fill in for said service, including giving showtimes to George when he wants to confront Jerry, Elaine, and Susan:
      Kramer: Hello, and welcome to Moviefone. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press one.
      George: (presses 1) Come on, come on...
      Kramer: Using your touch-tone keypad, please enter the first three letters of the movie title, now. (George pushes three buttons) You've selected ... Agent Zero?! If that's correct, press one.
      George: What?
      Kramer: Ah, you've selected... Brown-Eyed Girl? If this is correct, press one. (Beat) Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you've selected.
      George: Chunnel?
      Kramer: To find the theater nearest you, please enter your five digit zip-code, now. (George enters the zip) ...Why don't you just tell me where you want to see the movie?
    • And then at the end of the episode, there's a knock at the door...
    • George being hustled out of the theater by security. His comments are It Makes Sense in Context (see above), but to your average moviegoer he would've sounded like a madman:
    George: I know they're in there, the three of them, laughing at me! Together, laughing and lying! They're, they're killing independent George! And they're, they're all in on it! World's are colliding!

The Sponge

The Gum

  • Kramer eating a 90-year old hot dog from the theater lobby just to prove Lloyd Braun isn't insane. He ends up vomiting on the sidewalk.

The Rye

  • Estelle: George, can you zip me up?
    George: Yeah yeah, one second.
    Estelle: Well come on!
    George: All right, all right! Let's not get into PANIC mode!!!
    • Frank's confusion over barnyard hierarchy:
      Frank: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
      George: Why don't we talk about it another time.
      Frank: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!
      Mrs. Ross: Something's missing all right.
      Mr. Ross: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
      Frank: ...That's perverse.
    • The scene when Kramer takes Mr. and Mrs. Ross on a horse and carriage ride, only for the ride to be cut short because the horse is gassy from all the Beef-a-Reeno he fed it earlier.
    Mr. Ross: Turn this thing around. We've had it. We can't breathe back here!

The Caddy

  • As Kramer begins to leave, he notices an O'Henry wrapper in the garbage can:
    Kramer: (picking up the wrapper) Ohhhh, what's this?
    Jerry: Oh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait a second… th-th-that—
    Kramer: Oh I see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar paid a visit, didn't she?
    Jerry: Kramer, it is not what you think.
    Kramer: Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh! I know what I think. I think you're gaga over this dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now, you're willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to, right down the river.
    Jerry: And what about yooou?!? Tryin' to bilk an innocent bystander out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing quality O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans!
    Kramer: You're just out for sex!!
    Jerry: You're just out for money!!
    Kramer/Jerry: Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh!!!!!!

The Seven

  • Elaine complaining about her neck after pulling Jerry's bike off the wall:
    Jerry: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.
    Elaine: Ugh, maybe.
    Jerry: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.
    Elaine: I don't know.
    Jerry: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it...
    Elaine: You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up.
    Jerry: All-righty.
  • When Susan denies George the right to name her child "Seven":
    George: (sticking his head out the car window) ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST STAY CALM HERE!!! DON'T GET ALL CRAZY ON ME!!!
  • Jerry's latest girlfriend breaks up with him over the phone. His last line to her is hilarious:

The Cadillac

  • Morty and Helen want to catch the early bird for dinner at 4:30 pm. Jerry insists that they wait ("I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at 4:30 to save a couple bucks!"), which backfires when this validates Jack's suspicions that Morty is cooking the books as condo president:
    Jack: Hello, Morty. Well, missed the early bird.
    Morty: Yeah, so?
    Jack: Must be nice to have that kind of money. Bernie, look who's eating at six o'clock. Your suddenly well-to-do president. But, you enjoy your last meal in office. Tomorrow, they kick you out, you'll have plenty of time to drive around in your Cadillac.
    Morty: (confident) They're not kicking me out. You don't have the votes.
    Jack: That's what you think.
    Morty: We'll see.
    Jack: Yes, we will.
    Jerry: (disinterested) All right, let's eat already.

The Shower Head

  • The following:
    (Elaine's office, Kramer rushes in)
    Kramer: Oh, Elaine. Yeah.
    Elaine: Kramer, you look terrible.
    Kramer: Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower.
    Elaine: What's wrong with your shower?
    Kramer: There's no water pressure.
    Elaine: Why don't you just go see Jerry?
    (Just as Kramer is about to answer, Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's open office door and pauses)
    Kramer: Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.
    Peterman: (busting in, thinking Kramer is talking about drugs): Not on my watch! (Grabs Kramer by the collar) I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else!
    (Throws Kramer out and slams the door closed just as Kramer tries to walk back in the office causing Kramer to get knocked out by the door)
    • Kramer and Newman are shown black market shower heads in a back alley.
      Salesman: What are you looking for?
      Kramer: Power, man. Power.
      Newman: Like Silkwood.
      Kramer: That's for radiation.
      Newman: ("Yeah, and?" tone) That's right.
    • To get his parents out of living at his apartment (they were previously living in Uncle Leo's apartment), Jerry has to convince Uncle Leo to move back in with his girlfriend, who he had earlier convinced to dump:
    Uncle Leo: Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging.
    Jerry: Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting! You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang onto her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.

The Doll

  • George's girlfriend has a doll that looks exactly like his mother, and it begins talking to him. Also, when Frank saw the doll at the end, he also imagined it talking to him in Estelle's voice, then strangled it and pulled its head off.
    • Also in that episode: The really cramped game of pool that Kramer and Frank play.

The Friars Club

  • Jerry getting chewed out by Pat Cooper for losing the Friars Club jacket.
    Pat: Hey, Jerry. What the hell went wrong? What's the matter with you? Are you a kleptomaniac, or what?
    Jerry: I forgot to take it off.
    Pat: You forgot to take it off? Ohhh, you go into a department store, you put a suit on, and you walk right out. What are you, some sort of an idiot?
    Jerry: I'm sorry.
    Pat: Where is the jacket?
    Jerry: Well, one of the gypsies took it.
    Pat: Aww, the gypsies took it! Of course, New York has a lot of gypsies! Oh, on every block, there's a gypsy!
    George: Well, it's true. I saw it.
    Pat: Excuse me, are you an entertainer? Are you in show business?
    George: No, I-
    Pat: Then what am I talking to you for?!
    • Jerry's soured at his latest girlfriend for not being too concerned about his missing jacket.
    George: What're you talking about?! She's very concerned! She said she was gonna get it back.
    Jerry: (skeptical) Yeah, we'll see.
    George: Because if she gets it back, then you'll have no reason to be sour. You'll de-sour, right?
    Jerry: I'll try and de-sour.
    George: Oh, that's not good enough! You don't try and de-sour. You have to sweeten too!
    Jerry: (annoyed) I'll try! I'll try and de-sour and sweeten!
    • Kramer's subplot concerns him convincing himself that he only needs to take short power naps every few hours to get by instead of a proper sleep cycle, culminating in him blacking out while making out with a girl on his apartment's sofa. Unfortunately she panics and turns out to have mob connections...
    Jerry: (coming home to see two men carrying a body bag out of Kramer's apartment) That nut's always up to something.

The Wig Master

  • Kramer sleeping in Jerry's bed.
    Kramer: (to Jerry, who was sleeping) Patio furniture's on sale.
    • Kramer in pimp clothes.
    • Jerry's miffed that a store clerk flirted with Elaine, as he thought it was very emasculating. Later in the episode, Jerry decides to be assertive about is as he shares a table with costume designer Ethan and a man he knows starts to flirt with him:
    Jerry: Excuse me... Are you asking him out?
    Jessie: Yeah, I guess you could say that.
    Jerry: Right in front of me? How do you know we're not together? Two guys sittin', laughin', drinking Champagne Coolies.
    Jessie: I dunno, I just didn't think you were.
    Jerry: Well we're sitting here together. Why wouldn't you think that?
    Jessie: I dont know. I just didn't.
    Jerry: Well it's very emasculating!
    (Jessie leaves in shame as Jerry and Ethan resume their conversation)
    • The scene where Jerry tries to return a suit, not because there's anything wrong with the suit but because he didn't like the aforementioned salesman who assumed he and Elaine weren't a couple.
    Manager: What seems to be the problem?
    Jerry: Well, I want to return this jacket and she asked me why and I said, "for spite" and now she won't take it back.
    Manager: That's true. You can't return an item based purely on spite.
    Jerry: Well so fine then... then I don't want it, and then that's why I'm returning it.
    Manager: Well you already said spite so...
    Jerry: But I changed my mind..
    Manager: No, you said spite. Too late.

The Calzone

  • George making a deal with Newman to deliver Mr. Steinbrenner's calzones on his mail route:
    Newman: For starters, I want a calzone of my own.
    George: All right.
    Newman: And a slice of pepperoni pizza. And a large soda. And three times a week, I shall require a cannolli.
    George: (barely containing his rage) That's a little steep, doncha think?!
    Newman: You know, I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic. I'd hate to see him when he's hungry.
    George: (relenting) ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT!
    • A couple scenes later, George goes to drop off Newman's cut, only to hear him in his apartment singing. After he knocks and Newman answers:
    George: Well I was dropping off the calzone money for the week, um... shouldn't you be at work by now?
    Newman: Work? It's raining.
    George: Soooooo?
    Newman: I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.
    George: You don't work in the rain? Your a mailman. "Neither rain nor sleet nor snow"- it's the first one!
    Newman: I was never that big on creeds.
    George: You were supposed to deliver my calzones. We had a deal!
    Newman: I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route. Well today I won't be going on my mail route, will I?! Perhaps tomorrow.
    George: But I'm paying you!
    Newman: Yes, thank you. (grabs money and shuts the door on him)
    George: (pent up rage) Newman!
    • The scene where Kramer tries to pay for calzones with a ton of pennies and is kicked out. Also in the same scene: Kramer complaining because Mario burned his shirt in the oven Note 
    Mario: What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt, huh?
    • Steinbrenner going through withdrawal:
    Steinbrenner: (on the phone) That's right, do you want me to say it again? I'll say it again: I haven't had a pimple since I was eighteen, and I don't care that you believe me or not! And how's this? You're fired!... Okay, you're not. I'm just a little hungry.

The Bottle Deposit

  • Elaine returns the JFK golf clubs she won at auction to Peterman, all banged up. Long story.Note  You think he's going to chew Elaine out for them being in bad shape, but:
    Peterman: (disillusioned) I never knew Kennedy had such a temper.
    Elaine: (realizing she's in the clear) Oh. Oh yeah. The only thing worse was his slice. (chuckles)
    Peterman: ...See you on Monday.

The Wait Out

  • Jerry trying to get Kramer out of his really tight jeans.
    Jerry: Hold it, look. You're gonna need the jaws of life to get out of those things.
  • Mickey inexplicably responding to the mother telling him good night (he's posing as her son).
    Mickey: (gruff voice) GOOD NIGHT.
    (scream heard from down the hall)
    Jerry: It's gotta have something to do with Kramer.

The Invitations

  • It's one of the darkest moments in the series but there something so morbidly hilarious about George's reaction to Susan's death that I crack up everytime.
    George: Well, let's get some coffee.
    • Jerry's daydream about still living across from Kramer years later, since he never got married like George and Elaine did:
    Kramer: (does his trademark entrance) Hey!! Buddy. I thought of a great invention for driving. A periscope in a car, so you can see the traffic.
    Jerry: (aggravated) How you gonna drive when looking through a periscope? Besides, it's not a submarine and there's no room for a periscope in a car!
    Kramer: Huh! You make a higher roof.
    Jerry: They're not making higher roofs!
    Kramer: Why can't you make a higher roof?
    Jerry: (seething) Because it's a stupid idea. No one's gonna go for it. Don't you understand?! It's stupid, stupid... (flashback ends)
    • One of the schemes George tries to get out of the marriage is to pretend he smokes.
    Susan: I don't like this one bit.
    George: (coughing uncontrollably) Well, I can't stop now! (can barely talk) I'm addicted!
    Susan: Well you are gonna have to quit!
    George: (runs for the bathroom) Oh my God...

    Season 8 

The Foundation

The Soul Mate

  • George is baffled by the sounds that his tape recorder picked up after he left the Susan Ross meeting:
    Jerry: Just give me some idea of what you think it could be.
    George: I don't know if you're ready for it.
    Jerry: Please.
    George: I believe that I am about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have never-
    Jerry: Hold it, hold it! You're right, I'm not ready for this.
    • At the end when George leaves with his briefcase, the other members of the foundation have the exact conversation he was hoping to get evidence of:
      Wyck: ...Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan?
      Mr. Cross: Oh yeah. I just assumed he murdered her.
      Ms. Baines: Of course he killed her.
      Wyck: So it's not just me, then. All right! Back to business.
    • Jerry chases Newman through the apartment building because he puts two and two together about him helping Kramer steal his latest girlfriend from him. When he finally catches him:
    Newman: Steady... you wouldn't want to lose your cool at a time like this.
    Jerry: Why NOT?
    Newman: Because right now, I'm the only chance you've got. (does an Evil Laugh but abruptly stops when Jerry gets him to flinch)
    • Kramer's uncomfortable walk out of the vasectomy clinic after the procedure. After seeing this, Jerry and Newman bolt.

The Bizarro Jerry

  • The Bizarro group of friends.
    • Of particular note, the anti-Kramer, who always rings the doorbell, announces his name ("Feldman. From across the hall") and politely waits the excruciatingly long minute for Jerry's equivalent to cross the room, unlock the door and let him in.
    • The Stinger plays like a Bizarro World version of a typical segment of the show proper, complete with a synth riff even goofier than the standard bassline and a Seinfeldian plot thread that, due to the scrupulousness of the people involved, is over before it even starts:
      Gene: At work today, I discovered there's a payphone in the lobby that has free long-distance.
      Kevin: Ohh, so what did you do?
      Gene: I called the phone company and immediately reported the error.
    • Man hands.
    • Kramer's subplot, where he is mistaken for an employee in an upscale office and decides to go along with it. He even gets ulcers from working too hard on some reports for Leland, and sacrificing his relationship with Jerry in the process.
      Kramer: The work piled up, I lost track of time-
      Jerry: Oh! Sure, sure! You and your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, and I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, (drops the chicken in the sink) was for two.
      Kramer: You cooked?
      Jerry: I ordered in. It's still effort.
    • The subplot culminates in a priceless scene:
      Leland: Kramer, I've been reviewing your work. Quite frankly, it stinks.
      Kramer: Well, I, uh, been havin' trouble at home and uh... I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes.
      Leland: No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh... These reports you handed in: It's almost as if you have no business training at all. I don't know what this is supposed to be.
      Kramer: Well, I'm uh, just, tryin' to get ahead.
      Leland: Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.
      Kramer: But I don't even really work here!
      Leland: That's what makes this so difficult.

The Little Kicks

  • Elaine really, really Sucks at Dancing.
    • The reaction to Elaine's bad dancing is also gold: "Sweet fancy Moses!"
    Jerry: Elaine danced?!
    George: It's more like a full-body dry-heave set to music.
    • George and Jerry's conversation about George being the bad boy.
      Jerry: Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy.
      George: I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy.
      Jerry: You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
      George: Yes, yes...
      Jerry: The bad fiance, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
      George: Okay, the point is made.
      Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... (looks at table as George leaves) The bad tipper!
    • George gets arrested while bootlegging the movies:
      Kramer: He went down at the Beekman. He tried to lam, but they cheesed him.
      Jerry: Oh, now I see.
    • The fight between Frank Costanza and Elaine after George gets arrested for bootlegging movies:
      Frank: Who put you up to this, was it her?
      Elaine: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.
      Frank: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
      Elaine: You got that right.
      Frank: What the hell does that mean?
      Elaine: That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
      Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?
      Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
      Frank: You wanna piece of me? YOU GOT IT! (They begin to fight)
    • The first time Jerry meets Brody the bootlegger, things are a little tense:
    Jerry: That's quite a food bag you're workin' on there.
    Brody: (offended) It's for all of us. Is there a problem?
    Kramer: Brody, come on, he's just kidding. He's a joker maker. Tell him, Jerry.
    Jerry: (stiffly, nervously) I'm a joke maker.
    • After Brody gets sick from eating all the candy (Jerry: "Yeah, well, maybe if he didn't lick his fingers before he reached in the bag we would've eaten some. Serves him right."), he threatens to shoot Jerry with his gun unless Jerry finishes filming the movie. The next day, Kramer visits Jerry at his apartment:
    Kramer: Hey, so how was the rest of Death Blow?
    Jerry: How was the rest of Death Blow?
    Kramer: Yeah, who got the final Death Blow? 'Cause I thought that Hawaiian guy, he had it comin' to him, huh?
    Jerry: Kramer, you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours, and then the guy forces me to bootleg a movie at gunpoint?!
    Kramer: He's quite a character, isn't he?
    Jerry: You know, he came by here last night at 3 o'clock in the morning to pick up the tape! I was scared out of my mind!
    ** Jerry is recruited by Brody to shoot another bootleg movie after being forced into doing the first one. He confronts Kramer about it:
    Jerry: I'm not doin' this!
    Kramer: But you have a gift. Listen, Jerry, this is not your little comedy act. We're talkin' feature films, here.
    Jerry: We're talkin' federal crime, here!
    • And Jerry acting like a finicky director when Brody won't give him what he wants. In fact, the whole theme of tying bootlegging in to directing movies is hilarious.
      Kramer: Jerry wants to do the movie, he's dying to do it. But if you don't make him happy, the work suffers, and then nobody's happy.
      Brody: Just SHOOT the damn thing so I can get it out on the street!!!
    • Previously, Kramer tries to bootleg the movie, with predictably disastrous results.

The Package

  • In "The Package", Jerry and Kramer discussing write-offs:
    Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
    Jerry: How is it a write-off?
    Kramer: They just write it off!
    Jerry: (incredulous) Write it off what?
    Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything!
    Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
    Kramer: Do you?
    Jerry: No, I don't.
    Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.
    Jerry: I wish I had the last 20 seconds of my life back.
    • Kramer helping George to participate in "the timeless art of seduction" by taking sexy photos of him drags even more Deadpan Snark out of Jerry than usual.
      Kramer: (sing-song, offscreen from his apartment as Jerry stands in the hallway) Lover boyyyy! You are a lover boyyyyy!
      Jerry: ...Oh yeah. This can't miss.
    • The conversation that makes George consult Kramer for the job is a truly stellar Call-Back:
      George: ...Elaine, have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone?
      Elaine: Yeah. I sent one to everyone I know! Remember?...My Christmas card?
      George: Oh yeah, the nipple. But besides that. How did you feel about Kramer's work?
      Elaine: ...Actually, I thought he was very professional.
      George: So it was a good experience.
      Elaine: Oh yeah. In fact, I liked the picture so much, I cropped out the nipple and I'm using it as my health club ID.
      George: Nice.
      Elaine: Yeah, it is nice, actually.
    • Newman's entire interrogation of Jerry for suspicion of mail fraud.
      Newman: Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean, parcels are rarely damaged during handling.
      Jerry: Define 'rarely'.
      Newman: Frequently...
      Jerry: Are we about through here, Newman?
      Newman: It's pretty hot under these lights, huh, Seinfeld? Pretty... hot.
      Jerry: (NOT under the lights; holding soda can) Actually I am quite comfortable.
      Newman: (sweating) Can I have a sip?
      Jerry: No.
      Newman: Not going to play ball, huh? All right. Admit it: That stereo was already busted!
      Jerry: You can't prove anything!
      Newman: (Holding clipboard) Is this or is this not your signature?
      Jerry: As a matter of fact, it isn't.
      Newman: Heh. (Looks at clipboard) "Uncle Leo"? This case is closed, pending further evidence.
    • The ending, where George and the male clerk at the one-hour photo place have exchanged scantily clad photos, which Newman calls an "ill-conceived mail-order pornography ring":
      George: OH MY GOD!!!
      Newman: We have a few questions we'd like you to answer.
      Jerry: I have a few questions of my OWN.

The Fatigues

  • The ending, where George, who is supposed to be making a presentation of risk management, unknowingly has a speech meant for Kenny Bania:
    George: "Ovaltine"... (pauses as he realizes he has the wrong speech. He continues, awkwardly) "Have you heard of this stuff? Why is it called ovaltine? They should call it "round-tine". You know what I'm talking about."
    Wilhelm: (to another employee, proudly) He's my protege.
    • George bursts into Jerry's apartment to rant about how he can't listen to the "Risk Management" cassette tapes because the guy on it sounds exactly like him:
      George: I got a big problem here, Jerry. The tapes are worthless!
      Jerry: Kind of in the middle of something here, George. [referring to having an argument with his current girlfriend Abby]
      (instead of leaving, George plops on the couch to wait it out)
      Jerry: George!
    • Frank has war flashbacks during the Jewish singles night dinner and knocks food out of people's hands ("Don't eat it! It's no good!"), culminating with tipping over the main food table. The action freezes mid-tip.
    • Eddie's dark write-ups for the J. Peterman catalogue:
      Eddie: "It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your knife; the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't be dead by sun up. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted Chambray nightshirts." […] "It's tough keeping your feet dry when you're kicking in a skull."
    • Elaine finally wrings Eddie's Dark and Troubled Past out of him: "I went out on a couple of dates with this woman, I thought she really liked me, and then things kind of cooled off."
    • George, who has recently complained that audiobooks have "ruined him," i.e. negatively affected his ability to read, has a chat with a blind man on the subway:
      George: I tell ya, I am hooked on these books on tape.
      Blind Man: Oh, tell me about it. These things have ruined me for Braille.

The Checks

  • "I'm sorry. I'm sure Mr Seinfeld is very funny to Americans, but I'm not sure this "butler show" would work in Japan."
    George: Oh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've been living in America too long. You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges.
    • George calls Jerry:
      George: (frantic) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!
      Jerry: (teasing) Uncle Leo??
      George: JERRY!!!
      (bangs the pay phone against the booth)
      Jerry: Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up. (hangs up) Testy.
    • Kramer saying goodnight to each of the Japanese businessmen while putting them to bed in his new chest of drawers.
    • After successfully testing the Jerry pilot with Kramer's Japanese businessmen friends, George is full of renewed optimism and plans to make another pitch to NBC (the Nakahama Broadcast Corporation, that is). When he starts asking Jerry if he thinks Ms. Yoshimura, the Nakahama Broadcast Corporation executive, liked him, Jerry closes the door in his face. Note 

The Chicken Roaster

  • A Kenny Rogers restaurant right outside the apartment complex? What could go wrong? Oh, yeah...the sign is insanely bright and beams directly into Kramer's apartment. It drives him crazy(er):
    Jerry: What is going on in there?!
    Kramer: What?
    Jerry: The light!
    Kramer: Oh the red, yeah, it's the chicken roaster sign, well y'know, it's right from across my window.
    Jerry: Can't you shut the shades?
    Kramer: (confused) They are shut. Oh by the way, your friend, Seth, he stopped by.
    Jerry: Oh yeah? What'd he have to say?
    Kramer: Yeah, he was fired.
    • A scene later, Kramer unknowingly pours tomato juice on his cereal.
    Kramer: (distraught) That looked like milk to me! Jerry, my rods and cones are all screwed up!
    • He then storms out of Jerry's apartment, where the hallway is blood red and there's a horrible, constant electric buzzing. Kramer reacts like a vampire who got exposed to direct sunlight.
    • Kramer's protest banner outside his window:
    Kramer: Hey! Stay away from the chicken! It's bad! Bad chicken! Mess you up!
    • As Kramer and Jerry switch apartments, Jerry asks Kramer to get rid of his ventriloquist dummy Mr. Marbles.
    Jerry: Kramer, if I'm gonna live over there, you gotta take some of this stuff out. I mean, this thing is really freaking me out. I feel like it's gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.
    Kramer: What, Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.
    • Later, when Jerry becomes Kramer and Kramer becomes Jerry.
      • Particularly funny: Jerry offering a wild solution to Elaine's problem courtesy of "his" friend Bob Sacamano. When Elaine expresses confusion because she thought Bob Sacamano was Kramer's friend, it turns out that Bob called Kramer's apartment at 3 am the night before and ended up chatting with Jerry about his coincidentally-plot-relevant business venture du jour.
    • Newman on the Kenny Rogers chicken: "It's the wood that makes it good."
    • The scene where Kramer is hooked on Kenny Rogers chicken and has to pretend he still hates it to Jerry so that he doesn't have to move back into his old apartment.
    Kramer: (Jerry enters his apartment) Newman, what took you- (notices it's Jerry) Hey, buddy.
    Jerry: Expecting Newman? That's funny, because I happened upon him down at the Kenny Rogers Roasters.
    Kramer: Kenny Rogers. Hoo, boy, I hate that place!
    Jerry: He was buying quite a load of chicken, almost enough for two people. As long as one of them is not him.
    Kramer: (nervous laughter) Yeah. Oh, hey, you know, Elaine, she stopped by. Yeah, dropped off that Bob Sacamano hat. Yeah, oh, she's upset with him. Yes, sirree. Yeah, well, thanks for stopping by.
    Jerry: I sure do miss my apartment. Maybe I'll switch back.
    Kramer: You don't want to think about that. Otherwise, I'd have no choice but to put that banner back up and run that Rogers right out of town.
    Jerry: I don't think you will. As a matter of fact, I'll save you the trouble. I'll do it myself.
    Kramer: Go ahead. Put the banner up. Doesn't matter to me.
    Jerry: (heading towards the door) Alllll riiiight...
    Kramer: (pleading on his knees) No, Jerry! I need that chicken! I've got to have that chicken now, you leave those roasters alone! Kenny never hurt anybody!
    Jerry: You got a little problem.
    Kramer: Oh, I got a BIG problem, Jerry!
    • Newman after trying to pretend he likes broccoli: "Vile weed!"
    • The subplot with George losing Elaine's sable hat, which she needs to prove that it's a business expense. Later, she buys a much cheaper imitation sable hat off the street and is called on it:
      Ipswitch: Ms. Benes, the hat you charged to the company was Sable, this is Nutria.
      Elaine: Well, that's a... kind of sable.
      Ipswitch: No, it's a kind of rat.
      Elaine: ...That's a rat hat??
      Ipswitch: And a poorly-made one, even by rat hat standards.
    • The final scene, where Elaine has to travel to Burma to get J. Peterman to sign off on her Nutria hat company purchase. At one point, he asks out of nowhere:
    J. Peterman: Are you an assassin? (slasher smile)

The Abstinence

  • A subplot involves Kramer smoking so much that his face gets wrinkles. So he sues the tobacco companies with lawyer Jackie Chiles's help. Jackie's dialog with a tobacco rep is priceless:
    Jackie: Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible, twisted freak.
    Kramer: Who could love me?
    Wilkie: I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
    Jackie: Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.
    • Elaine, abstaining from sex during the episode because her latest boyfriend Ben has to concentrate on passing the doctor exam, has become really dumb. At one point she does a crossword puzzle:
    Elaine: Hey Ben, I need a four letter word. Winnie the, blank.
    Ben: (from other room) Pooh!
    Elaine: (laughing) Poohoohoo...
    Ben: (annoyed) NO, Winnie the Pooh!
    (Elaine has an "oh, right" look on her face and fills out the crossword puzzle)

The Andrea Doria

  • Kramer acting like a dog. Also hilarious is Smuckers's cough, which is obviously a human cough sound instead of a dog's.
    Jerry: Kramer, get back here! You are bad! Bad Kramer! Bad Kramer!
    • Elaine saying "giant freak head" and "I'm a walkin' candy apple!" is very funny too.
    • Tom Gallop as Alan, the bad breaker-upper, has some great lines as well. "Tough luck, Chinless."
    • George goes to lunch with Estelle and Frank to get ammo for his meeting with the condo board to have a better sob story than the man who sunk on the Andrea Doria. He doesn't get very far:
      George: So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that you could help me to remember my childhood a little clearly...
      Estelle: I feel a draft. Let's change tables.
      Frank: Get outta here! We have a booth.
      Estelle: Frank, I'm cold!
      Frank: Order a hot dish.
      Estelle: Why can't we sit over there?
      Frank: That's not a booth!
      Estelle: So, who says we have to sit in a booth?!
      Frank: I didn't take the subway all the way to New York to sit at a table like that!
      Estelle: Well, I didn't take the subway to be in a drafty restaurant!
      Frank: Now, George, what do you want to know about your childhood?
      George: Actually, I think I'm pretty clear on it.
      Frank: Where's that breeze coming from?
    • George acting bored while his rival for the apartment tells his Andrea Doria story. The series of cuts while George tells of his tragedies. The traumatized looks on the faces of the board members when he's done. Their reaction to his stinger, "Oh, and my fiancee died from licking toxic envelopes...that I picked out." All priceless.
    • Why does Kramer refuse to go to a doctor about his cold?
      Kramer: No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line... Plus, they botched my vasectomy.
      Jerry: (surprised) They botched it?
      Kramer: I'm even more potent now!
    • And:
      Kramer: Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any day. They gotta be able to cure (snapping fingers) a lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog, all on the same day.
    • The way Jerry's and Newman's plots intersect? "Kramer bit me!"
    • Jerry on Newman's mail route:
      Man: Mail on Sunday?
      Jerry: (cheerfully) Oops!
    • Newman on Jerry's suspiciously high accuracy at delivering mail:
      Newman: No one has ever cracked the 50% barrier!

The Little Jerry

  • The scene where George and Kramer, who haven't yet been privy to each other's storylines in the episode, both burst into Jerry's apartment ranting about their current problems. Then they look at each other in confusion, and turn to Jerry to explain. He just says "I'm too tired."
    • Even better is when Kramer mentions to Jerry that he bought a chicken. Jerry opens his mouth, only for George to stop him with "Allow me..." and turns to Kramer and asks "Why?"
    Kramer: Cage free, farm fresh!
    Jerry: (to George) Allow me. (to Kramer) What are you, an idiot?
    • When George tells Jerry that Celia broke out of prison and had sex with him:
      George: I discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex. Fugitive sex! Now, it's like every time-
      Jerry: George, this is a little too much for me: Escaped convicts, fugitive sex... I got a cockfight to focus on.
    • Also the ending where Kramer jumps in the ring and Jerry screams "Kramer!" Elaine screams "Stop the fight!" and George? He holds up a finger and screams "Tamale!" Also, Kramer getting pecked.

The Money

  • George is upset because Elaine paid for his coffee:
    George: You see what just happened here?
    Jerry: What?
    George: She treated me to the Arabian mocha java.
    Jerry: And you misinterpret this how?
    George: She's stickin' it to me that she makes more money than me.
    Jerry: I'm sure she was just being nice, buying you the coffee.
    George: No, not nice. She's stickin' it to me.
    Jerry: You're crazy.
    George: Stickin' it to me, Jerry.
    Jerry: George.
    George: STICKIN' IT!
    • In the same episode, everything about Aunt Baby.
    George: If Aunt Baby were alive today, how old would she be?
    Frank: She'd never make it.

The Comeback

  • George's failed attempt at what he considers a perfect comeback:
    Reilly: You know George... the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp.
    George: Oh yeah, Reilly? Well the jerk store called, they're running out of you!
    Reilly: What does it matter? You're their all-time best-seller!
    George: ...Oh yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!
    Co-worker: ...his wife is in a coma.
    • The whole subplot with Jerry purposefully playing badly at tennis against Milos, who doesn't want his wife to know he's bad at the game.
    • Kramer wants to amend his will after he watches the second half of "The Other Side of Darkness", about a woman in a coma. She wakes up, leading to Kramer saying:
      Kramer: I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma.
      Jerry: I didn't know it was possible not to know that.
    • Kramer's visit to a lawyer to discuss the terms of his life support removal is a sterling example of side-splitting Black Comedy.
      Lawyer: Situation Number 4 - You're breathing on your own, you're conscious, but with no muscular function.
      Kramer: Well would I be able to communicate?
      Lawyer: I don't see how.
      Elaine: Eh, I don't like the sound of this one.
      Kramer: Yeah, let's pull the cord.
      Elaine: Yank it like yer startin' a mower!
      Lawyer: You can eat, but machines do everything else.
      Elaine: I'd stick.
      Kramer: Yeah, yeah, stick. 'cause I could still go to the coffeeshop.
    • Milos tries to bribe Jerry not to reveal his bad tennis playing by sending his wife to his apartment. George tries to make sense of it after the commercial break:
      George: And so concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might leak out, he chose to offer you his wife, as some sort of medieval sexual payola??
      Jerry: He's new around here.

The Van Buren Boys

  • J. Peterman flipping through his TV channels. It's a perfect example of Anti-Humor, as Peterman's delivery makes it funny.
    Peterman: Oh damn. They changed the cable stations again, just when I finally memorized them. (...) 2... CBS... 3... I don't know what that is... where's my damn preview channel?

The Susie

  • "Believe it or not, George isn't at home, please leave a messaaaaage at the beep..."
    • Kramer being a middle man for George's latest girlfriend (whom George is trying to avoid because he's convinced she's going to break up with him):
      Kramer: Allison spoke to me, and um, she wanted me to speak to you.
      George: Uh-oh.
      Kramer: We all know that this relationship isn't working. So Allison and I think that the best thing to do is just... make a clean break.
      George: Can't we discuss this?
      Kramer: We just don't think you're ready for a serious relationship!
      George: I didn't even know you wanted to get serious!
      Kramer: So what am I in this for?! You know, I'm getting to a point in my life where I need something more than just... (whispering) a good time.
      George: Are you?
      Kramer: Wha- me? No! No. But she is.
      George: I, I can't believe this is happening!
      Kramer: George, we're sorry. We're through.
    • Elaine unable to come up with anything meaningful to say at Susie's "funeral", is interrupted by J. Peterman, who tells an inappropriate anecdote for a funeral:
    Elaine: (bored) Also, much like me, Susie hated to go to the market.
    Peterman: May I say a few words?
    Elaine: Oh GOD YES, Mr. Peterman. (quickly sits down)
    Peterman: I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie. Ah. And most of all, I will never, forget that one night, working late on the catalogue, just the two of us. And we surrendered to temptation. And it was pretty good.note 

The Pothole

  • It starts with Kramer adopting a highway (a volunteer litter clean-up program done in exchange for corporate or personal branding.) Kramer then decides to turn "his" section of the highway into a "two-lane comfort zone", attempting to invoke the image of luxury class transportation. Commuters in four lanes of highway on a very busy road suddenly converting into two don't appreciate this. So he goes out late at night with a 55-gallon drum of paint thinner to undo his mistake. He then spills the stuff all over the road. Bottom line: Newman drives his mail truck full of fishnote  through a wall of fire.
    Elaine: (who had no context of any of this) Hey, look at this...wide lanes! This is so luxurious!
    (Elaine starts swerving back and forth, unknowingly dropping a very rusted out sewing machine from the trunk of her car.)
    (Kramer spills his paint thinner)
    Kramer: (alarmed gaping stare)...Bugger...
    (Cut to Newman driving along in his truck)
    Newman: (singing) You're once~ twice~ three times a lady~—(runs over said sewing machine with a loud clang) ...the hell was that?
    (Newman's truck is seen with sparks cascading out of the bottom from the sewing machine dragging across the highway)
    (Kramer gazes at the now empty drum of paint thinner, which he now sees says "CAUTION FLAMMABLE")
    Kramer: (another alarmed gaping stare)...Double bugger...
    Newman: ...oh you're once, twice, three times—(FWOOOOSH!) AAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAHHHH!!! OH, THE HUMANITY!!!
    • Followed by a scorched and dazed Newman limping down the freeway with a Deer in the Headlights look as police sirens approach. Kramer tries to get him to respond but finally gives up and wheels out, telling him, "Uh, I'll meet you at the coffee shop!"
    • Also funny is how Jerry's latest girlfriend's toothbrush was knocked into the toilet, and he's unable to kiss her as a result:
      Jerry: She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.
      Elaine: Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.
      Jerry: Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.
      Elaine: Jer, do you see where this is going?
      Jerry: Being really clean and happy?
      Elaine: Jerry... you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.
      Jerry: Disorder?
      Elaine: And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
      Jerry: That could hurt me.
    • George gets a car keychain with Phil Rizzuto's head, which says "Holy cow!" when squeezed. When he shows it to Kramer, he says, "Look at that. A talking Nixon."
      Jerry: Did they have to squeeze his head to get him to say that?
      George: Eh, maybe towards the end of a double-header...
    • Later, George's keys get trapped underneath the pavement so he hires some construction workers to dig it up:
      George: Thanks for, thanks for coming by fellas. Eh, got a set of keys, buried in the pothole.
      Ralph: What're the keys doing in there?
      George: Just need to uh, to dig 'em up.
      Ralph: You put 'em in there?
      George: Nah, nah, it's uh, it's a long story. Just uh, try to get it up.
      Ralph: Bad place to put your keys.
      George: Yeah, I know that. Ahem... could you start, working?
      Ralph: Difficult job. You want those keys, we're gonna have to dig this up.
      George: (realizes) Oh, uh, wait a minute, wait a minute. (snorts) Is this about money?
      Ralph: Yeah, (snorts) it's about money.
    • Then George admits to Jerry later: "Yeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks. I just have to do all the jackhammering myself."
      • The inevitable payoff: George does get the keys out... by destroying a water main and causing the water spraying out to launch the keys straight up into the sky, complete with one last "Holy cow!" from the keychain.
    • Elaine pretends a closet in the building across the street is her apartment so that she can order Chinese food, cumulating in a scene where she has Jerry "over" for dinner and George and Kramer pop in like they would normally so that the space becomes increasingly crowded.
      Elaine: (to the super, who catches them exiting) Janitor's meeting.

The English Patient

  • Elaine would rather see the Dabney Coleman comedy Sack Lunch than The English Patient. She's intrigued by the movie poster, which has a family in a brown paper bag.
    Elaine: (amused) Don't you wanna know how they got in there?
    Blaine: No.
    • Elaine's unpopular opinion that The English Patient sucks eventually comes back to bite her when Peterman asks if she's seen the movie and, not wanting to offend her boss, says she hasn't, and Peterman drags her to the movie during business hours. Eventually Elaine loses it while watching the movie a second time:
      Peterman: Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes, because I can't take my eyes off the passion.
      Elaine: Oh no. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!!!
      Peterman: ...Elaine, you don't like the movie?
      Elaine: I HATE IT!!!
      (moviegoers shush her)
      Elaine: OH GO TO HELL!!!
      Peterman: Why didn't you say so in the first place? You're fired.
      Elaine: (already leaving her seat) Great, I'll wait for you outside.
    • Kramer trying to pass off Dominicans as Cubans to Earl Haffler.
      Earl: You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in a Cuban wrap-around now, would you?
      Kramer: Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any more Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself.
      Earl: ...We're talking about people, right?
      Kramer: I think so.
      Earl: I thought he quit smoking cigars.
      Kramer: Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother, uh, Dennis.
      Earl: ..."Dennis Castro"?
      Kramer: Uh, Dwayne.
      Earl: Get the hell outta my office.Note 
    • Later, the Dominicans are at a table in the coffee shop with nothing to do. Kramer joins Jerry and George and stammers ("de-de-de-de-de-de-de") while subtly pointing to said table across the room. When Jerry and George look where he's pointing, Kramer nervously and quietly says, "No no, don't look! Don't look!"
    • Jerry's subplot involves Izzy Mandlebaum, an 80-year old fitness guru. Izzy puts himself in the hospital by trying to lift some weights and throwing out his back. Later, Izzy's son comes to visit him, who's barely younger than Izzy ("I got married in high school."). Then Izzy's father comes to visit.
      Izzy Sr.: My boys!
      Izzy: My dad!
      Izzy Jr: My grandpa!
      Jerry: (incredulously) Oh come on!
    • This line from Jerry, after giving obvious advice to George:
    Jerry: I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles.

The Nap

  • A bomb-diffusing robot opens a drawer in George's desk, revealing a Playboy and some candy bars:
    George Steinbrenner: So... it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?
    • Before that, we have the one-episode renovation of Jerry's apartment, which offers some great physical comedy as the four try to see each other through the awkwardly-placed cupboards. And George is more agitated than usual in Jerry's apartment after Jerry (pretending to be a mad bomber) demands "fitted hat day" at Yankee Stadium.
      George: Well I'm not doin' it, I tell ya! And you're gonna call Mr. Steinbrenner and CANCEL the whole thing!
      Jerry: Well can you at least get a hat for me?
      George: FINE! What size?
      Jerry: Seven and 5/8.
      George: SEVEN AND 5/8!!!
      Jerry: Why are you yelling?!
      George: I don't know; it's this place. Note  I'm very uncomfortable here!
    • A throwaway line from Kramer upon entering Jerry's apartment and failing to recognize it is hilarious in its implications of offscreen mayhem: "Oh man, I'm on the wrong floor again."
    • When Steinbrenner's grandchildren are visiting, one of them goes under the desk and sees George.
      Brian Steinbrenner: Hi.
      George Costanza: Get away. Shoo. Get away. Shoo. Get away.
      Brian: Hi. I'm Brian.
      George Costanza: Beat it, Brian! Beat it! Beat it!
    • Kramer's subplot involves him swimming in NYC's East River, which of course makes him reek. At one point, a young boy spots him:
      Boy: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
      Father: Naw, that's probably just a dead body, son. You see, when the mob kills someone, they throw the body in the river.

The Yada Yada

  • Kramer and Mickey fighting each other over who gets to sit next to Julie on the double date. Mid-fight:
    Kramer: (to Julie and Karen) You ladies look lovely tonight. (goes back to the scuffle)
    • Kramer accuses Jerry of being an anti-dentite.
      Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools!
      Jerry: They do have their own schools!
      Kramer: AAAAAAAHHH!
    • Jerry goes to confession to tell a priest that Tim Whatley has converted to Judaism to make jokes. When the priest asks him if it offends him as a Jew, he says, "No, it offends me as a comedian!"
    • "If this wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock your teeth out, you anti-dentite bastard!" as delivered by Robert Wagner.
    • Elaine and the priest both love the "Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat" Jewish joke:
      Elaine: "No, I said "Hand me the buoys!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! "Buoys"!
    • The twice-done gag of George showing up out of nowhere when Jerry has an appointment. First, she shows up at the dentist ("Well this is a little awkward!" "I'll leave when the guy comes in."), and later he pops into the confessional booth where Jerry is complaining to the priest about Tim Whatley's Jewish jokes.
    George: Jerry, I gotta talk to you. (Jerry can do nothing but stare dumbfounded at George)
    • George thinks that his girlfriend slept with her ex during the part of the story she's skipping over.
      George: You don't think she'd yada yada sex.
      Elaine: (raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex.
      George: Really?
      Elaine: Yeah. "I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again."
      Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part!
      Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.

The Millennium

  • When Jerry and girlfriend-of-the-week Valerie are about to go to the movies:
    Valerie: I don't wanna miss the previews.
    Jerry: Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theater cut-up. Last week after a preview, I yelled out, "Must MISS!"
    Valerie: I think that I was in that theater. That, that was really funny.
    Jerry: (reflective) Yeah, it got a good laugh.
    • When Kramer stores a bunch of New Year's stuff in Jerry's apartment ("You're not even gonna see 'em. I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna keep in front of 'em."). Then Kramer brings over balloons:
      Jerry: Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled until New Year's!
      Kramer: Those aren't for New Year's; those are my everyday balloons.
    • George, in an attempt to get fired, streaks across the Yankee field during a game. Though technically, he's not actually nude but wearing a flesh-colored body suit. George is less than thrilled that he gained a fanbase, who approach him: "Hey, Body Suit Man!"
    • When George is all set to get fired from the Yankee's (which is what he wants), Wilhelm suddenly comes in and takes credit for George's stunts.
      Wilhelm: Wait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. George doesn't deserve any of the blame for what happened in the parking lot today, sir. If there's anyone to blame here, it's me.
      Steinbrenner: What're you talking about, Wilhelm. You popping pills? You got the crazies again?
      Wilhelm: No, no. No, no, sir. I ordered George to drive around insulting people today. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games.
      George: (desperately) He's lying, sir! I'm tired of all your macho head games!
      Steinbrenner: (clueless) ..."Macho head games"?

The Muffin Tops

  • Kramer walks in on Jerry shaving his chest:
    Jerry: I can't stop! (Kramer gives a disgusted groan) Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless!
    Kramer: Man, you can't keep this up! Don't you know what's gonna happen? Every time you shave it, it's gonna come in thicker and fuller and darker!
    Jerry: Oh, that's an old wive's tale.
    Kramer: IS it? Look at THIS! (pulls up his shirt off-screen; Jerry winces and backs away) LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT!!!
    • The argument between Rebecca and Elaine:
    Rebecca: Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Demornay from the homeless shelter.
    Elaine: Oh, hi.
    Rebecca: Are you the ones leaving the muffin pieces behind our shelter?
    Elaine: You been enjoying them?
    Rebecca: They're just stumps.
    Elaine: Well they're perfectly edible.
    Rebecca: Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them, they'll eat anything?
    Mr. Lippman: No no, we just thought...
    Rebecca: I know what you thought. They don't have homes, they don't have jobs, what do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get the stumps!
    Elaine: If the homeless don't like them the stumps, they don't have to eat them.
    Rebecca: The homeless don't like them.
    Elaine: Fine.
    Rebecca: We've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?"
    Elaine: We were just trying to help.
    Rebecca: Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells?!
    Elaine: (insulted) I think I might!
    • When Kramer agrees to haul Elaine's muffin stumps to the dump:
      Kramer: Do they mind sitting in the back?
      Elaine: No they don't.
      Kramer: Are they war veterans?
      (Elaine looks at him, confused)
    • Later when Kramer makes his announcement to the passengers.
      Kramer: We have a bonus ultra-reality stop today. We're going to be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository.
      Tourist: We're going to a garbage dump?
      Kramer: And we're off!
      Jerry: You know, I never thought he'd be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close.
    • During the bus tour we see such classics as passengers getting sick while Kramer plays banjo music and at one point Kramer falls asleep at the wheel only to fall forward onto the steering wheel and the sound of the horn wakes him up.
    • When Kramer trips onto the bus.
    • Jerry acting like a werewolf in the last part thanks to his chest hair growing back.

The Summer of George

  • The scene where Kramer is forced to fire Raquel Welch from the stage show.
    Kramer: I'm Cosmo Kramer, I'm one of the producers-
    Raquel: (picks up the phone) (congenial) Hello, Sidney! (listens; turns to annoyed) No, no, I told you I don't want to do that! (listens) If you bring it up again, I will feed your genitals to a wolf! (hangs up) Kids! (to Kramer) You're still here!
    Kramer: Well, I- I, Ms. Welch, I do need to talk to you about a little problem regarding, eh, your performance.
    Raquel: (pushes a chair out of the way and walks up to Kramer) What kind of problem?
    Kramer: Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters of this fragmenting of the audience to the cable television, carnivals, water parks...
    Raquel: Out with it!
    Kramer: Well, you're fired because you don't move your arms when you tap dance, you're like a gorilla out there, I've gotta go...
    Raquel: WHAT?! (grabs Kramer before he can leave)

    Season 9 

The Butter Shave

  • George limping with the wrong leg in front of his new boss. He covers by saying that when they met, they were standing on opposite sides. He "proves" it by showing the two in a mirror:
    George: See? Right, wrong. Right, wrong. Right... RIGHT, wrong.
    • George riding a motorized stair-ascender to the tune of Sheena Easton's "Morning Train".
    • George's rant on the handicapped:
      George: Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees: No arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.
      Jerry: He drove a car with NO ARMS??
      George: Ok, I made up the bit about the car, but the rest is true!
    • When Kramer first starts shaving with butter:
      Kramer: Jerry, you gotta give him some credit. (rubs a butter stick on his face) I mean you're just being totally ridiculous. I'll see ya later, buddy. (almost makes it out of the apartment, until...)
      Jerry: Wait wait wait wait a minute. (Kramer comes back in) Do I have to ask?!
      Kramer: I ran out of butter, so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy??
      Jerry: (grabs his arm) Why are you buttering your face?
      Kramer: I'm shaving with it.
      Jerry: (dumbfounded) Oh Moses, smell the roses.
    • Newman, traumatized from having to be Kramer's personal butter assistant (that is, sticking chunks of butter into Kramer's hot tub while he's in it), goes to Monk's to take a break. He spots a turkey on the counter... with Kramer's head. Turkey Kramer says, "Hey buddy." and waves his wing at him. A freaked-out Newman bolts.
    • Bania, after "killing" at his stand-up act: "I'm gonna go pick up some chicks. Good-lookin' ones, too!"
    • George runs his Rascal into the Rascal of an old man who was leaving a restaurant:
    Man: Hey! You dented my ride!
    George: Whatcha got there, the four volt? I did you a favor.
    Man: How 'bout I do you a favor upside your head?
    George: Oh yeah?
    Man: Oh yeah.
    (after a pause, George hops back on his Rascal and slowly drives away)
    Woman: (to the other seniors) Get the bikes! (everyone chases George on their own Rascals)
    • Culminating with: "EAT HICKORY!" (George screams as he's hit by a cane)

The Voice

  • When Dean Jones reviews Darin's "internship" with Kramer:
    Dean: As far as I can tell your entire enterprise is more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
    Kramer: And with Darin's help, we'll get that chicken.
    • A subplot involves Elaine making a bet with Jerry that she won't get back together with Puddy. She immediately backslides, as Jerry discovers she's wearing the same clothes from last night.
      Jerry: YOU SAW PUDDY. Hand it over, pay up!
      Elaine: No! It was an isolated sexual incident! We are NOT. BACK. TOGETHER!
      Jerry: So what do you call it? People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax!
    • It Makes Sense in Context:
      Kramer: You know, Darin, if you would had told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy. Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.

The Serenity Now

  • George's aggressive sales tactics:
    George: You want to sell computers? I will show youuuuu how to sell computers! (gets on the phone) HELLO, MR. FARNEMAN? YOU WANNA BUY A COMPUTER? NO?! WHY NOT?!?! (...) I SEE, GOOD ANSWER. THANK YOU.
    • Jerry faking anger at Monk's to impress his latest girlfriend, who wants him to be more open with his emotions:
      Jerry: Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk!
      Patty: ...I think they have 1% over there.
      Jerry: 1%?! They can kiss 1% of my ass!
      Patty: Okay Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.
      Jerry: You're damn right you're not buying it!
    • A scene earlier, Jerry tries to convince George that he gets angry, but George disagrees: "Your voice raises to this comedic pitch." When Kramer comes in, Jerry tries to demonstrate it:
      Jerry: Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food. Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!!!
      Kramer: (hysterical laughter) What is that, a new bit?
    • Jerry's marriage proposal to Elaine, who is in the most awkward pose ever (in the middle of eating a banana).
    • Kramer destroying the twenty-five computers George was going to sale in a fit of rage while shouting "SERENITY NOW!!!"
      • And George giving him hell for it afterwards, topped off with Kramer telling him "George, you listen to me... I owe you one."
    • After Lippman's son and Lippman himself come onto Elaine in rapid succession, George helpfully introduces her to the concept of "Shiksappeal." When she then walks blindly into Jerry's half of the Two Lines, No Waiting plot and he immediately asks her to marry him, she decides to consult her gossipy rabbi neighbor from "The Postponement" about it.
      Rabbi Glickman: Elaine, shiksappeal is a myth, like the Yeti, or his North American cousin, the Sasquatch.
      Elaine: Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause every able-bodied Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.
      Rabbi Glickman: Elaine, there's much you don't understand about the Jewish religion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to date?
    • All of Estelle's off-screen shouts in the episode, funnier precisely because she's off-screen:
    "I hate that old door! Throw it out!"
    "You're late!"
    "Good for you, Lloyd!"
    "You're not gonna giving away that waterpik!"
    "Move your crap, I'm comin' in!"
    • George gets Frank to stop saying "Serenity now!", on advice from Lloyd Braun, and suggests he say "Hoochie mama" instead (Kramer had said it earlier in the episode). The episode ends with Frank shouting "Hoochie mama!" to Estelle, who's driving her car into the still-full garage.

The Blood

  • Kramer reveals he's storing his blood in his own apartment instead of in a blood bank, leading to this exchange:
    Kramer: You wanna go see?
    Jerry: No, I don't. In fact, if even one corpuscle of that blood should find its way across that hall, I will freak out on you, Kramer! Freak. Out.
    Kramer: ...You know, for a fat guy, you're not very jolly.
    • "Heads up!" followed by Jerry's high-pitched scream.
    • When Kramer asks Jerry to shave his neck.
      Jerry: I'm not touching that thing.
      Kramer: Well, I have to say, I'm very surprised AND disappointed, "blood brother".
      Jerry: Oh no.
      Kramer: What? Jerry, I gave you my blood. Listen to your pulse... "hey buddy, hey buddy, hey buddy".
      Jerry: Kramer, I'm not shaving your neck.
      Kramer: So, my blood is not enough. Would you like a kidney too? Because I'll give it to you! I'll rrrrrrip it out right here and smack it on the table!
      Jerry: (relents) All right, I'll do it, sit down.
      Kramer: Oh no no no, I don't have time right now. I'll catch ya tonight. We'll do an "all over" kind of thing.
    • Later, Kramer takes advantage of this:
      Kramer: Listen, is it all right if I watch a tape in here?
      Jerry: Why here?
      Kramer: Well, I'm taping Canadian Parliament, you know on C-Span.
      Jerry: (reluctantly) Okay...
      Kramer: Is it all right if I watch it in your bedroom? 'Cause your bed is really nice.
      Jerry: (wearily) Fine...
      Kramer: (towards hallway) Okay!
      (Newman runs in carrying popcorn)
      Jerry: No no no no no no no no no no! I do not want that in here!
      Kramer: Blood!
      Jerry: ...All right.
      (Newman makes some kind of grunt/sniff noise, sort of like an excited dog, and bolts into Jerry's bedroom)
    • And when Jerry comes back, he finds the two making sausages in his apartment.
      Jerry: What is this?
      Kramer: We're making sausages!
      Jerry: I thought you were gonna watch a video.
      Kramer: Well yeah. An instructional video on how to make you own sausages!
    • Personal trainer Izzy Mandlebaum in general is gold in this episode. One of his exercises has Jerry lift a medicine ball over his head while he boxes his stomach.
      Izzy: All aboard the pain train.
    • Another of Izzy Mandlebaum's workouts involves driving with a rope on the car attached to Jerry. Jerry asks what happens if he can't keep up.
    • Jerry reluctantly lets Kramer borrow his car, and Kramer agrees this is the final "blood" favor. But before he leaves:
      Kramer: When you get back to your apartment, try to keep it down, 'cause Newman's taking a nap in your bed.
    • George tries to cover for Elaine not being able to babysit Jimmy anymore:
      George: She's going to live with her grandparents in Redding, Pennsylvania.
      Vivian: Her grandparents passed away five years ago.
      George: Yes they did. I was covering. Elaine has been deported back to Scotland.
      Vivian: She's an American citizen, I've seen her passport.
      George: All right, no more lies. Elaine is been chosen to represent the Upper West Side in the next Biosphere project.
      Vivian: I haven't heard anything about another Biosphere.
      George: That's because it's underwater.
      Vivian: This is insane!
      George: Is it?
      Vivian: Yes, it is!
      George: Well, it's all for charity, so what's the difference.
    • Jerry's reaction to discovering that he's got "three pints of Kramer" in him is to let out a protracted scream, which Kramer joins him in seemingly out of a desire to be included. The gag is repeated at the end of the episode with Newman thrown into the mix.
    • Jerry is unsettled by having received Kramer's blood.
      Jerry: I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood.

The Junk Mail

  • George catches his parents coming back really early from what they said was a party:
    George: Quick for a "catered" affair.
    Frank: I don't know what you mean.
    George: You ditched me. That's twice. Now I demand to know what's going on here!
    Frank: George, we've had it with you. Understand, we love you like a son, but even parents have limits.
    Estelle: The break-ups, the firings, and every Sunday with the calls.
    Frank: What my wife is trying to say is, this is supposed to be our time.
    George: I'm not following.
    Frank: I'm sorry, George, we're cutting you loose.
    George: You're cutting ME loose?!
    Frank: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make love to your mother.
    • When Kramer goes to cancel his mail permanently:
      Newman: Of course nobody needs mail. What, do you think you're so clever figuring that one out?! (gravely) But you don't know the half of what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.
      Supervisor: Is everything all right here, Postal Employee Newman?
      Newman: Yes sir, I believe everything is all squared away, isn't it, Mr. Kramer?
      Kramer: Oh yeah, as long as I stop getting MAIL!!!
      (Newman squirms and smiles nervously as his supervisor eyes him suspiciously)
    • Kramer's protest against the USPS:
      Old lady: Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
      Kramer: It's to symbolize that we're blind to their tyranny.
      Old lady: Then, shouldn't you be wearing the bucket??
      Kramer: Yeah, move along, Betty.
    • Kramer buys Jerry's used van for Anthony Quinn's undershirt.
      Kramer: I thought we had a deal with Quinn's T-shirt.
      Jerry: (incredulously) Are you insane??
    • When George is in Jerry's van, "Fragile" Frankie Merman sees it:
      Frankie: Is this Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van!
      George: I think he's saying "Son of Sam", oh my God! (bolts out the back door) I KNEW IT WASN'T BERKOWITZ!!!

The Merv Griffin Show

  • Peterman is driven crazy by Tic-Tacs heard around the office:
    Peterman: THAT'S THE NOISE! That infernal rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days, and I could not find the source! In my office, in the hallway, even in the men's room! Shame on you, Elaine!
    Elaine: No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!
    Peterman: That reminds me of the Haitian voodoo rattle torture. You haven't gone over to their side, have you?
    Elaine: (humoring him) No, Mr. Peterman.
    Peterman: Because if I hear one more rattle, just one, you're out on your can. (Beat) And if you are undead, I'll find out about that, too.
    • "Mission accomplished Joe! Back to base!"
    • When Kramer and Newman are the only cast members on his "talk show":
      Newman: Lately, though, I've been, uh, I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans. you know. I rip of the label. I can hardly tell the difference.
      Kramer: Well we've officially bottomed out.
    • Then Jim Fowler stops by.
      Jim Fowler: Where are the cameras?

The Slicer

  • Jerry complains that he feels worthless because Dr. Sitarides kept gushing about how good it feels to save someone's life. When George discovers she's a dermatologist, he thinks she's a phony and encourages Jerry to take her on a second date just to tell her off. This leads to Jerry taking Dr. Sitarides out to a fancy restaurant only to tell her: "It must take a really big... ZIT... to kill a man! You call yourself "life saver"? I call you "Pimple Popper M.D.!" But a guy comes up to her and thanks her for saving her life, bringing up his skin cancer.
    Jerry: (later...) Then I found out about the skin cancer.
    George: (fascinated) Oh, so it backfired. So I guess I was lucky I never tried it myself.
    Elaine: Of course she treats cancer. That's how I met her, she was doing a skin cancer screening at Peterman. That's what dermatologists do.
    Jerry: Sadly, that information could have helped me.
    • Kramer uses his meat slicer to feed a cat under Elaine's neighbor's door, and she wants to borrow it:
      Elaine: Wow, can I borrow that thing for a while?
      Kramer: Oh no, I don't think so.
      Elaine: Why not?
      Kramer: Well, you're not checked out on it.
      Elaine: What do I have to know?
      Kramer: Well, where the meat goes?
      Elaine: (points) Right there.
      Kramer: Where do you turn it on?
      Elaine: (points elsewhere) Right... there.
      Kramer: But where, does the meat go?
      (Elaine looks at him, puzzled)
    • George's attempts at getting himself removed from the photo on Krueger's desk: first, Krueger is removed instead of George. Then, George is removed, and Krueger is put back. a drawing.
    • A Call-Back to "The Revenge" when George is contemplating different jobs since he's convinced he won't get hired at Krueger Industrial Smoothing.
    George: What about the Coast Guard? Seems like a lot of pride there, a lot of tradition.
    Jerry: True. You mean, for you?
    George: I think.
    Jerry: What about your sea sickness?
    George: Maybe I could be a land guy.
    Jerry: I don't know if they have "land guys".
    George: (irritated) Well someone has to unhook the boat before it leaves...the place!
    • When Jerry is convinced Dr. Sitarides gave him hives:
    Jerry: Come on Sitarides, cop to it. What brand of perverted science do you practice?
    • When Jerry discovers that his rash is caused by an exposure to benzene, Kramer enters cleaning his slicer with Bronzo on Jerry's hand towel.
    Jerry: That's my hand towel! I use it on my face, neck, and chest! That's where the hives are coming from! It's not from Dr. Sitarides, it's from Dr. Van Nostrand!
    Kramer: So, somehow the Bronzo is reacting to the poison she's giving you.
    Jerry: All right, get out. And take your Bronzo with you. (throws the bottle to Kramer)
    Kramer: Hey man, that's toxic! (Jerry throws the benzene-soaked towel on Kramer's head, who screams)
    • When Kramer is posing as a doctor for George's scheme to get a shirtless picture of Krueger, Kramer notices a huge mole on Krueger's back. George, a little annoyed, tells Kramer to refer Krueger to another doctor. Kramer responds, "George, why would I, a Juilliard-trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor?" Then he proposes taking the deli slicer to the mole, which George immediately turns down.
      Kramer: (miffed) Well. It's my medical opinion that you're making a big mistake, and it's going... (clicks pen) in my chart.
    • The ending to this subplot is also priceless, as George made all his efforts pointless:
    Kruger: Actually, funny thing about this photo. We were at the beach and there was this dumb looking guy near by. When he went in for a swim, my sons and I took all his stuff and threw it in the ocean! What a pear-shaped loser.
    George: (miffed) Well that "pear-shaped loser" was ME! And I was IN that photograph until I broke in here, stole the photograph, and airbrushed myself out of it!
    Kruger: Well, I'll be. YOU have lost a LOT of hair.
    George: ...THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL ME!

The Betrayal

  • George gets Elaine drunk to get her to spill the beans on Jerry cheating with his latest girlfriend.
    Elaine: (drunk) Mmm. I'm not gonna tell you any more things.
    George: (confused) But you already told me everything.
    Elaine: Okey-dokey.
  • George confronting Jerry on the plane:
    George: Jerry Seinfeld's a FUNNY GUY!

The Apology

  • Elaine rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her butt, sticking the stapler in her armpit, and coughing on her doorknob.
  • Kramer calls up Puddy to help him install a garbage disposal in his shower.
    Puddy: (Answers phone) This is Puddy.
    Kramer: Yeah, is David Puddy there?
    Puddy: This is Puddy.
    Kramer: This is Kramer.
    Puddy: I know.
    • George is tricked into going to anger management class.
      Jerry: You've got a little rage.
      George: I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me SO MAD!!!
    • Speaking of:
    George: Hey, I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge.
    Anger management leader: Excuse me. We have a 'no yelling' policy at these meetings.
    George: Excuse me, am I talking to you, pinhead?!
    Anger management leader: Please don't call me "pinhead".
    George: I'm losin' it!
  • Kramer's casual reveal that he made the dinner in his shower Note :
    Elaine: This food was in the shower with you?
    Kramer: Mm-hmm. I prepared it as I bathed.
    (everyone but Kramer spits it out in disgust)
    Puddy: Oh, germs! Germs! Germs!
  • Hanke makes another sweater joke at George's expense:
    George: He's be-boppin' and scattin' and I'M LOSIN' IT!

The Strike

  • "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
    • Kramer on strike:
      Kramer: You're siding with management?
      Elaine: No, I just-
      Kramer: (pointing) SCAB!!! SCAB!!! SCAB!!! SCAB!!!
    • Frank Costanza explaining the origins of Festivus to Kramer:
      Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!
      Kramer: What happened to the doll?
      Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
      Kramer: That must've been some kind of doll.
      Frank: She was.
    • The scene where George is called out for faking The Human Fund is gold:
      Krueger: George, we got a problem. There's a memo here from accounting, telling me there's no such thing as The Human Fund.
      George: (realizing he's caught, is sheepish) Well... there could be...
      Krueger: But, there isn't. (taps memo)
      George: (nervous) Well, I, I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here.
      Krueger: George, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake! You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.
      George: Well, sir, I, I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus.
      Krueger: "Venomous"?
      George: Festivus, sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, sir!
      Krueger: Are you making all this up, too?
      George: Oh no, sir, Festivus is all too real, and I can prove it, if I have to.
      Krueger: ...Yeah, you probably should.
    • Frank, at the Festivus gathering, does the "airing of grievances".
    Frank: I got a lotta problems with you people! Now, you're gonna hear about 'em! Krueger, my son tells me your company stinks!
    George: Oh God...
    Frank: Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe... I lost my train of thought.

The Dealership

  • George complains to Willie at the customer service window about the mechanic who "stole" his Twix Note :
    George: All I want is my seventy-five cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired!
    • Since the mechanic insists that what George saw him eating was a 5th Avenue bar, George concocts a somewhat obscure scheme to convict him using a "candy lineup" made up entirely of unwrapped Twix bars. The reason George was bent out of shape about the Twix in the first place was that he was starving and only had one dollar to use the vending machine, and the unknown Twix-taker cleared the machine of Twix when he bought the last one, so how George managed to get five more Twix bars is never explained. Why he would give them all away to get back at the guy who took his one Twix instead of just eating them instead is more than adequately explained by the fact that it's George.
    • Just about every line out of Puddy's mouth during the episode.

The Reverse Peephole

  • George wants to chip in with Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer to buy a gift for Joe Mayo. So George buys a vibrating chair, which he quickly wants to keep for himself because he needs it for his tweaked back. After getting annoyed with Joe Mayo for various reasons, Jerry and Elaine pull out of paying for the gift, which aggravates George. When he tells Kramer that the two of them have to split the cost:
    Kramer: Wait a minute, who's this "Joe Mayo" everyone's talking about?
    George: He's the guy we're buying the chair for, remember? It was your idea!
    Kramer: I think the chair is a great idea, but I never heard of this "Joe Mayo". And frankly, it sounds made up.
    • George's packed-to-the-brim wallet offers plenty of comedy:
      • Jerry says George has a filing cabinet under half his ass. He also holds up a hamburger and George's wallet, and says "You've got more cow here (wallet) than here (burger)."
      • Jerry inspects the so-called important items in George's wallet, and notes: "Show this card at any participating Orlando-area Exxon get your free 'Save the Tiger' poster."
      • George says his back is a little tweaked:
        Jerry: Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it!
        George: Never! It is a part of me. I will just return the chair, and it will be easy, because the receipt is in my good friend.
        Jerry: Your "good friend" is morbidly obese.
        George: Well, at least, I'm not carrying a purse! (walks out)
        Jerry: It's not a purse. It's European!
    • In the last few minutes, George's wallet explodes when he tries to shut it. Receipts go flying everywhere.
    • Silvio the building super hamming it up by imitating celebrities: "It's all about me, me, me, please look at me, I am soooo pretty! Love me! Want me!" and later, "Want me! Love me! Shower me with kisses! (makes kissing noise)"
    • Also the moment when Kramer convinces Silvio to let Newman stay in the building. Just as Silvio agrees to it, Kramer notices Newman flirting with Silvio's wife right behind Silvio, and his cigar drops out of his mouth. He then puts the cigar back in his mouth the wrong way, burning his tongue.
    • The exchange when Kramer begs Jerry to pass off the fur coat as his own so he and Newman can stay in the building:
    Jerry: I'm not wearing the fur.
    Kramer: Well, then, Newman and I, we get thrown out of the building.
    Jerry: Is that right?
    Kramer: All right, why don't you just take a good, hard look at what your life will be like if I'm not around?
    Jerry: ...Newman, too?
    Kramer: Oh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you what, if you do this, I'll give you that Walkman you're always asking about.
    Jerry: That's my Walkman!
    Kramer: And you'll get it back. (...) By the way, that Walkman was broke when you gave it to me.

The Cartoon

  • The running gag of Kramer bringing up that George's latest girlfriend looks exactly like Jerry, to the point where it causes George to get extremely uncomfortable. Also, Kramer telling Sally Weaver to quit acting:
    Kramer: Why don't you just give up??
    Jerry: (hinting) Kramer...
    Kramer: I mean, that's what Jerry says. Now face it: If it hasn't happened, it's not gonna happen. (claps) Okay. We're gonna go get some coffee. Join us?
    • This exchange about Sally:
    Kramer: I thought you said she stinks.
    Jerry: She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: Years of rejection and failure until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
    • This bit, after Jerry asks about George's latest girlfriend, Janet:
    George: The minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face. Her eyes, her mouth, nose-
    Elaine: (mildly annoyed) We know what a face consists of.
    • George is dating a woman who looks a lot like Jerry. This leads to both Kramer and Elaine making fun of him:
      Elaine: And she's... a "handsome" woman.
      George: What does that mean?
      Jerry: Yeah, what does THAT mean?
      George: (to Jerry) What do you mean by that?!
      Elaine: (smiling) Enjoy. (leaves)
    • Kramer's contributions: "C'mon, George, relax. Just because they look alike doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry."
      "I know I've been shooting off at the mouth lately; First with that girl whose life you destroyed and, um, about George dating a lady Jerry."
      (to prove that communication is 94% nonverbal, he mimes crying) "Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man love towards she-Jerry."
    • After Kramer tells George that his latest girlfriend looks like a man, Jerry chastizes him:
    Kramer: Sounds like someone's havin' a bad day.
    Jerry: Yeah, because of you!
    Kramer: Well, I think one of us should leave.
    (neither budge)

The Strongbox

  • After numerous instances of Jerry accidentally offending his neighbor, Phil, the final straw is when he has to retrieve his cufflinks from his neighbor's dead bird, Fredo, who ate them.
    Jerry: Kramer, I dug Fredo up, now let's cut him open!
    Phil: (approaching) Oh my God!
    Jerry: ...Hey neighbor.
    • This small bit when Jerry and George are on the elevator:
      George: (eating a granola bar) Want a bite?
      Jerry: No, I don't.
      • Additional context: Jerry had previously thrown the granola bar down to Elaine through the upstairs window because his buzzer was broken, only to have it land in the sewer. Moments later George shows up eating what's clearly the same granola bar and, when asked, claims he bought it.
    • Jerry, on Elaine's poor boyfriend:
    Elaine: Did I leave my glasses here?
    Jerry: He can wipe out his checking account in a single bound!
    Elaine: (fed up) Keep 'em.

The Wizard

  • Jerry gives Helen and Morty a Wizard organizer, but Morty just wants to use it to calculate restaurant tips ("It does OTHER THINGS!"). And he can't even get it open without Jerry's help.
    Helen: (clapping) Yaaaay, Jerry got it open!
    (Jerry sports a "You've gotta be kidding me" look on his face, then face palms.)
    • Morty tries to calculate the tip on his meal:
      Morty: The service was slow, and God forbid they should refill the water. How does 12.4% sound?
      Jerry: Well, your tip is $4.366666.
      Morty: We'll round down.
    • A bit later in the scene, Morty gets an idea, and approaches Kramer. When Kramer notices, he says, "Hey Morty, what are you looking at?" and roughly taps Morty's glasses in an amusing manner.
    • The main plot involves Morty using Kramer to run for condo president (as he can't due to being impeached from his previous condo) and to seal the deal, Kramer promises his friend Bob Saccamanno's dad can give everyone Wizards. However, they end up getting cheap knockoffs called "Willards."
    Jerry: Willards? Saccamanno Senior screwed me!

The Burning

  • Kramer: Well, I got gonorrhea.
    Elaine: That sounds about right.
    • Followed by this gem:
      Kramer: That's what they gave me.
      George: "They"? (suspiciously) The government?
    • When Jerry mentions that his latest girlfriend has a "tractor story":
      George: Whoa, back it up, back it up. Beep beep beep. Tractor story?
      Jerry: (baffled) "Beep beep beep"?? What are you doing?
      (George is unsure himself)
    • George mentions that after he left the meeting on a high note, he went to Titanic for the rest of the afternoon.
      George: So that old woman... she's just a liar, right?
      Jerry: And a bit of a tramp, if you ask me.

The Bookstore

  • Jerry returns from the bathroom in Monk's:
    Jerry: What is that doing on the table? (referring to the book that George took with him into the bathroom)
    George: (nervous) Jerry, simmer down.
    Jerry: I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book.
    Elaine: What is wrong with this book?
    George: Simmer!
    Jerry: That book has been on a wild ride. George took it into the bathroom with him and-
    Elaine: ALL RIGHT! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard coming through! Clear! Clear! (walks away)
    George: (miffed) May I ask: What do you read in the bathroom?
    Jerry: I don't read in the bathroom.
    George: (more miffed) ...Well aren't you something.
    • Kramer (and soon after, Newman) intruding in Jerry's bedroom in the middle of the night:
      Kramer: Hey buddy-
      Jerry: AH! Kramer!
      Kramer: I thought I heard you.
      Jerry: Get out of here!
      Newman: (enters) Kramer? Kramer? There you are.
      Jerry: Will everyone please leave?!
      Newman: I just heard that a postman spotted a rickshaw down in Battery Park.
      Kramer: Our rickshaw?
      Newman: It's entirely possible.
      Jerry: (shaking his hands like a kid) I WANT EVERYONE OUT!!!!
      Kramer: Let's talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some cocoa.
      Newman: Good night, Jerry.
      Jerry: (through clenched teeth) Good night, Newman.
    • The homeless guy stealing the rickshaw. Kramer and Newman want to split up to find it:
      Newman: You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.
      Jerry: To the Idiot-mobile!
    • When they come across him in Battery Park:
      Homeless guy: Did I get the job?
      Kramer: (sarcastic) Yeah yeah, we'll get back to ya.
    • Then, Kramer and Newman argue who has to carry the rickshaw back and who gets to ride. Kramer decides the winner by the pointing game:
    Kramer: (alternating between pointing at himself and Newman with each phrase) One spot, two spot, zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare 'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw... (points at himself, realizing he lost) toe.
    Newman: (pleased) Yeah.
    Kramer: Best two out of three. One spot, two spot...

The Frogger

  • The surly owner of Mario's Pizza, which is closing:
    George: Hey, Mario! Remember us?
    Mario: No.
    Jerry: We used to come in every day.
    Mario: So where ya been? We're tanking here.
    George: We'll have 2 slices and 2 grape sodas.
    Mario: Oh, thanks. That'll save us.
    • And at the end of the scene:
      Mario: Here's your pizza, pea brains. (drops the plates on the table)
      Jerry: ...I think I remember why we stopped coming here.
    • Elaine is sick of the littlest thing being an excuse to bring cake to the office, leading to her chewing out her co-workers with this gem:
    Elaine: We're all miserable! Do we have to be fat, too?!
    • The ending of Elaine's subplot, where she unknowingly ate a six decade-old piece of cake:
      Mr. Peterman: Elaine, I have a question for you. Is the item [expensive cake] still... with you?
      Elaine: Umm, as far as I know.
      Mr. Peterman: Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly-ventilated English basement?
      Elaine: Uhh, I guess I hadn't...
      Mr. Peterman: Well, I have a feeling what you are about to go through is punishment enough. (Beat) Dismissed!
    • Then there was the part where George pushes a Frogger game (which is where the episode gets it's name) through traffic, to the sound effects of Frogger and and using the overhead angle to show the action.
      Shlomo: He looks like a frog.
      Slippery Pete: (annoyed) ...So do you.
    • Then Reality Ensues, and he can't get the arcade cabinet over the curb, and it gets smashed by a truck. In "that's a shame" fashion, Jerry quips "game over."
    • This brief moment, after George says he ate an ostrich burger:
      George: Y'know, they say ostrich has less fat, but you eat more of it.
      Elaine: ... (to Jerry) Hey, so I talked to Lisi...
    • Elaine's Inner Monologue in her office:
    Elaine: (sniffing her pen) This pen smells really bad. (sniffs) So why do I keep smelling it? (drops it) Is it too late for me to go to law school?

The Maid

  • This exchange:
    Jerry: Hey, T-bone!
    George: No. No T-bone.
    Jerry: No T-bone?
    Kramer: (from bathroom) Hey, is that T-bone?!
    Jerry: No! There's no T-bone!
    Kramer: Well, why no T-bone?!
    Jerry: Why no T-bone?
    George: (aggravated) 'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting is T-bone!!
    • The scene where the four have to sit at the counter at Monk's because their trademark booth is taken. Especially good is when Kramer, at the end of the counter, mishears a conversation between Jerry and Elaine and thinks Newman died.
    • Kramer's "The Reason You Suck" Speech to Jerry:
      Jerry: Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you.
      Kramer: Oh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, be more like you? All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable, paying scrub women for sexual favors?! No! Jerry, I won't be like you! Never! I'll never be like you!
    • Elaine finds her new phone number was previously owned by an old lady whose grandson called frequently. When she died, the parents never told the child, who now keeps calling Elaine. She tries to make him stop by faking 'Gammy's' death over the phone...only for the kid to call 911. Cue a fireman busting down Elaine's door:
      Fireman: Hang on, gammy! You're gonna make it!
      (Elaine screams)
    • A lost Kramer, to Jerry, from a pay phone: "I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... how can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!"
    • The ending, where George brings a "Coco" to Kruger's so he can go back to being just George. It backfires when Coco starts talking about her "gammy":
      George: Ah, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, no one cares about your Gammy.
      Coco: What did you say about my Gammy?
      George: Forget Gammy.
      Kruger: Who's "Gammy"?
      George: There's no Gammy.
      Kruger: Well maybe there should be a, "Gammy".
      George: Oh no...
      Kruger: (smiling) George...
      (everyone starts chanting "Gammy")
      George: Gammy's gettin' upset!!!
    • When Jerry is mistaken for a client by the police when he tries to pay his former maid (really a prostitute) for her maid services.
    Policeman: Looking for a good time, sir? Wanna step out of the car, sickie?
    Jerry: Well, this is all very sophisticated.

The Puerto Rican Day

  • George trying to outwit the laser pen guy by wearing sunglasses. It backfires when Jerry offers a theory:
    Jerry: What if it gets in the side?
    George: The side?
    Jerry: Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally-
    (a freaked out George rips the glasses off)
    George: ALL RIGHT!
    • Elaine's odd annoyance with a dog's appearance in a nearby car.
      Elaine: Fold your dog's ear back!
    • Jerry's rivalry with a nearby driver, Lamar. When Jerry thinks he's spotted a shortcut, he takes it before Lamar, and tells him, "I'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long, jackass!" Turns out the shortcut isn't really a shortcut, and Lamar catches up with Jerry, who asks him, "So I'm a jackass, now?"

The Chronicle

  • The Long List of nicknames and quirks that the gang said about people throughout the series:
    Jerry: She had man hands.
    Elaine: He's a re-gifter.
    George: She's a two-face.
    Kramer: She's got the jimmy legs.
    Jerry: She's a virgin.
    Elaine: He's poor.
    Kramer: She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking.
    Jerry: She eats her peas one at a time.
    George: She just took credit for my salad.
    Jerry: He's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo.
    Jerry: She's one of these low talkers.
    Elaine: He's a high talker.
    Jerry: Bit of a close talker.
    Kramer: She can't hear very well.
    Jerry: She's bald?
    George: She's bald!
    Elaine: He's a bad breaker-upper.
    Jerry: She went out with Newman.
    Elaine: He's like a Svengali.
    George: She's too tan.
    Jerry: She's too good.
    Newman: She wasn't my type.
    George: She just dislikes me so much. It's irresistible.
    • Also, the montage of an annoyed Jerry saying (and occasionally shouting), "All right!"

The Finale

  • The Call-Back to George's annoyance that Ted Danson is treated better than he is, culminating with this, after their private plane malfunctions and has to land early:
    George: Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one! The Ted Danson plane!



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