open/close all folders
- From "Encounter at Farpoint, Part I":
- When Q transforms into an American army officer from the 20th century, Picard contemptuously calls his uniform "a costume":
- Chuck acknowledges the early appearance of Miles O'Brien by referring to him as "this curly-haired guy", who "probably won't even matter." He later catches himself almost saying "Chief O'Brien", before correcting it to "the curly-haired guy".
- This bit where Picard realizes that they cannot outrun Q:Chuck: Well, I hate to stereotype, so I will just present you with the facts: at exactly 18 minutes and 45 seconds into the pilot, the French captain says:
Picard: Commander, signal the following in all languages and on all frequencies: "...We surrender."
Chuck: Make of it what you will.
- "We represent the post-apocalyptic lollipop guild! And we wish to welcome you to Vault 101!"
- From "Encounter at Farpoint, Part II":
- "Listen, you stupid crybaby, the last thing I need is for my goddamn therapist to start weeping every frickin' time someone on the ship stubs their toe! Now, let me make this real simple, if you sense an emotion I might actually give a damn about, tell me, and then shut your bitchhole! For God's sake, I'd like to finish this mission while I still have some of my own hair left!"
- From "The Naked Now":
- "You know, Number One, in your country, you send ships into space, but in Soviet Russia, ships sends you into space! Ha, ha, ha. Hey, where are you all going?"
- Chuck going into epic Sarcasm Mode when taking about Enterprise's lack of security around the infected Geordi:Chuck: Being aware of the seriousness of the situation, every precaution is taken to avoid spreading the contagion: they leave him unattended and unrestrained next to an unlocked door that is unguarded. Despite this, Geordi still somehow manages to escape and — without his combadge — cannot be tracked. Faced with such a wily adversary, Tasha must attempt to outfox the drunk, blind man.
- Chuck then realizes that he has to give Drunk Geordi some credit:Chuck: And he is clever, having gone to hang out with Wesley. The last place everyone would think or want to look.
- Chuck then realizes that he has to give Drunk Geordi some credit:
- Wesley Crusher: The reason toilets are made to fit a human head.
- Regarding Tasha's drunken Robosexual tryst with Data:Chuck: Announcing that he [Data] is "fully functional" with "multiple techniques", we're reminded that, no matter the century, one of the first things people wonder about new technology is "Can I have sex with it?"
- "Code of Honor":
- The entire sketch about how Worf has named his penis and testicles "courage" and "honor".
- Chuck's comments on how the writer of the episode apparently had no sense of scale, namely in that they made Styris IV extremely small:Chuck: Picard wants topedoes fired, but to detonate at a pants-shitting 1000 meters over the locals' heads. Y'know, most skyscrapers are at least 250 meters, some going over 400, y'know, to give you some perspective on how close that is. Well, here is Riker carrying out that order...
(Riker proceeds to fire topedoes at the planet's upper atmosphere)
Chuck: Yeah... Either Lutan lives on a bowling ball the size of Rhode Island, or Riker is the worst shot in the history of the universe. If Riker tried to shoot Kennedy, he'd hit Lincoln. That's how far off he is! The man's aim drifts — in every possible dimension.
- The "here are the rules of the game" for the fight, as presented by Chuck's impersonation of Lutan's Second.
- It's time for... Yars' Revenge!Chuck: I'd waited nearly a quarter of a century to make that joke. It was so Worth It!
- Lutan's feelings about his new friends:Lutan: Surrounded by such friendship I feel no need for my gawds.
Chuck: Your gods!? (as Lutan) I don't need you anymore, vengeful deities, I have real friends now. And they don't make me sacrifice pigeons or anything. (in normal voice) He— (beat) OH! GUARDS.
- Data's Captain Obvious moment where he says that the weapons the women will be using are very light, "as if they were made for women to use."Chuck: So the weapons the women will be using...were made for women to use. I...I think you might be on to something, Lieutenant Commander No Shit!
- From "The Last Outpost":
- "Data makes the comment that they don't wear red, white, and blue and look like Uncle Sam."
- In the early episode "Where No One Has Gone Before", the Enterprise is sent to the edge of the known universe, an area where the crew's thoughts manifest as reality. This causes Worf's childhood pet (a weird alien animal called a targ) to appear which causes Tasha Yar to say "You're telling me its a kitty cat?"(!) Chuck spends a while berating her for this stupidity then the episode continues. An actual cat then manifests. Chuck (as Tasha): "Oh look!!! A Frog!!!"
- And then, there's the iconic scene where Picard nearly exits a turbolift into open space.Chuck as Picard: "Damn, I always mix up Engineering and the Portal of Doom!"
- And then, there's the iconic scene where Picard nearly exits a turbolift into open space.
- From "Lonely Among Us":
- Chuck's comment on how the left used to say "Wouldn't it be nice if we could get along with Russia?", and the right used to say, "That would be really, really nice, but unfortunately, it's not that fucking easy." And his Tempting Fate comment that he's glad that's all left behind in the Cold War era, only to cut to two clips of Donald Trump and John Oliver saying the exact same things that the left and the right used to say. This fits nicely into his theory that we've been transported to the mirror universe as a result of Y2K.
- From his "Justice" review, his reaction to Picard asking why is everything a "something" or a "whatever".Chuck: Sorry, your irritable-ness. This thingamabob from yonder contraption is up to hell-if-I-know.
- From "The Battle":
- From "Hide and Q", when Picard compliments Riker over not using his newly granted Q powers to save a little girl.Picard: You were right not to try.
Chuck: She needed to die. We must cull the weak from the herd! We must remove the Impure. AND LEAVE. ONLY THOSE. IN THE CRUCIBLE. With the might. To expand. Across. The Un-i-verse. Exterminate! Exterminate! EX-TERM-I-NAAAATE!!! (calmer) Yeah, I know. Some of you don't like it when I yell.
- When Lwaxana Troi spouts her titles.Chuck: Who am I?! I am His Grace, Sir SF Debris, Duke of the People Who Don't Give A Rat's Ass and Knight of the Order of Go Fuck Yourself! And, of course, a viewer with an opinion.
- He calls her "the daughter of the daughter of the House of Pancakes".
- When Lwaxana Troi spouts her titles.
- From "Datalore":
- "Yeah, people used to get smacked upside the head for being irritating, and I'm all for bringing it back right now, so enough with the 'I'm a robot and I'm from the future' shtick, okay?"
- "Angel One":
- Doubling as a Moment of Awesome Chuck's Take That! at its attitude by comparing the pandering to a matriarchal society by having the same concept being subverted by Psycho!Janeway threatening a Patriarchal society by beating them to death with her heel.
- Right before that he points out the ridiculousness of having Troi open communications with the planet on the basis she's a woman. After Chuck points out (in detail) how it's stupidly sexist he imagines the situation if Chakotay has suggested this tactic with Janeway:Chakotay: Perhaps I should conduct the negotiations since I'm a man, Captain.
Janeway: Yeah, keep holding on to that delusion.
Chakotay: The Kazon would be more amendable to a negotiation with a man.
Janeway: If you find one on board this ship let me know otherwise I'm handling it.
Chakotay: Captain, look, I'm as offended as you are by their attitudes, but do it for the good of the crew, for the good of the team.
Janeway: Yeah, and as my Dad used to say, there's no 'I' in "Go Fuck Yourself." And then he'd throw a beer bottle at the TV and pass out. And you know what? I'd still let him negotiate before I let you screw it up so piss off!
- Chuck yelling that there are five lights, if only to make an awkward scene of Riker, Troi and Yar explaining the concept of perfume and sex to Data end faster.
- Chuck's theory on what the direction for the Elected One's actress was during one scene.Director: Okay, for this scene, what I really want you to try to capture... is that you're an actor. See if you can somehow manage to convince me of that. I know it's uphill, but try!
- From "When the Bough Breaks":
- "You spent your childhood learning calculus, Riker. She spent hers trying to protect herself and her sister from the roving rape gangs on Planet Mad Max. Think we can forgive her of her ignorance of galactic legends."
- After Picard gives the order not to touch Wesley.Picard: The dumbness rubs off.
- From "The Arsenal of Freedom":
- Chuck musing that Picard didn't have an easy job keeping the audience awake during Season One.
- When Picard announces that he will be beaming down to help the landing party, Troi tells him that she "takes great exception" to that decision.Picard: Ah. Well, you know what I object to? Being told what to do by someone dressed as a yoga instructor, so I'm gonna head down. You can do some "downward dog", or whatever you do that masks your uselessness, while I bask in not having to listen to you for half an hour.
- From "Skin of Evil":
- Chuck describing Armus' voice as "sounding like a mob boss in a tunnel trying to take a crap and failing".
- From "Conspiracy":
- "They are gathered here because of mutual concerns about problems with the upper levels of Star Fleet. There are inexplicable orders, people dying in bizarre accidents, a climate of fear... and it will be years before Janeway is made an admiral, so we have to find a different explanation."
- "Now that we're all in the lab, we're gonna drop this tractor on you in front of your grandmother, for science."
- From "The Neutral Zone":
- The review begins with Chuck agreeing with Picard that we shouldn't be obsessed with the accumulation of material possessions, only to urge the viewers to buy DVDs of the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, with groundbreaking episodes such as "The Naked Now", "Justice", and "Code of Honor".
- From "The Child":
- From "Where Silence Has Lease"Nagilum: Hmmm... now would be a good time to learn about death by killing one of you.
Riker: Oh no!
Picard: Oh no!
Troi: Oh no!
Data: Oh no!
Red Shirted Black Guy: MOTHER FUCKER!
- For some reason the ship's pilot is a black man in a Red Shirt. Picard confuses him with Geordi. And then when Nagilum kills the Red Shirt:Picard: Send another red-shirted black fellow to the Bridge!
- Also, the reason said black guy replaced Wesley:Picard: You know, Number One, I've been thinking. In this Unknown, someone could die, even Wesley... And God knows how much I want that to happen.
Riker: We're all with you on that, sir.
Picard: But if he died under my command, his mother would probably blame me, like when I killed her husband... Uh, I mean, when I sent him on that mission where he died, and it was totally not my fault!
Riker: ...We all know how much you want to ride that ginger philly, sir.
Picard: God, yes. ...So, I think we should replace him for now. Why don't you bring back that red-shirted black fellow who used to pilot the ship?
Riker: Y... You... You mean, Geordi? He's Chief Engineer now.
Picard: Really? I thought that was, like, his brother or something. That's the only reason I didn't fire him...
Riker: I was confused too, sir. Usually we make engineers the Chief Engineer, not the pilot.
Picard: Well, it's too late to deal with that now. Just... find me another red-shirted black fellow to be the pilot. There's got to be more on the ship somewhere.
- Also, the reason said black guy replaced Wesley:
- Having set the self-destruct sequence, Picard prepares for the end, by... sitting back in a chair and putting his feet on the table.Picard: Don't scuff up the table, huh? Well, I'm the captain, and I'll scuff whatever the hell I feel like! *door chime* GAH! (takes feet off the table)
- For some reason the ship's pilot is a black man in a Red Shirt. Picard confuses him with Geordi. And then when Nagilum kills the Red Shirt:
- "The Outrageous Okona":
- He duly points out that it's really hard to write good jokes about bad comedy since it all comes back to the same point, but he makes a few really, really good stabs. After Okana shares some of his, uh, "wisdom" and explains he was joking, Chuck exasperatedly says, "After listening to you, Okona, I don't even know what a joke is anymore."
- Chuck's complete confusion over a joke that was so bad that it was cut in favor of Joe Piscopo's lame material is comedy gold.
- "Blame the pattern of my life!" "I blame the pattern of your vest."
- The entire discussion about the horrible failed joke Guinan tells... and the one from the original draft of the script, which made even less sense. If theres a joke in there, we need a team of archaeologists with those little brushes to go in there and look for it.
- In "Loud As A Whisper", he mentions how the episode was pitched as a way to help dispel myths about the deaf. Cut to Picard trying to communicate.Chuck: Alright, let me get this down. When meeting someone deaf, grab their head in both hands and scream at them.
- From "The Measure Of A Man":
- "South Korea will show their technological skill by building a robot city by 2013, and North Korea will show their skill by then blowing it up."
- From "The Dauphin":
- Picard's suggestion on how Wesley should approach Salia.
- From "The Royale":
- Chuck making fun of how Worf, Data, and Riker are unfamiliar with the concept of room service by compiling clips from the other Star Trek series with characters familiar with this concept and ending the compilation with Data and Riker confused and with the caption "The finest minds in Starfleet."
- Riker and Data commenting on a dead man looking like he died in his sleep and lacking significant decay... but the prop guys provided a skeleton. He suggests the only way this could make sense is if the cleaning staff found the corpse and ate it.
- From "Pen Pals":
- When Riker asks Wesley what would Picard do:Wesley: You mean, the captain is God?
Riker: Yes, yes, our Father who's Picard in Heaven!
- When Riker asks Wesley what would Picard do:
- From "Q Who":
- Chuck describing Q's and Guinan's poses as "rubbing the head of an invisible boy" and "grabbing a pair of invisible tits" respectively.
- From "Samaritan Snare":
- Chuck's tempting fate comment that Picard's artificial heart will never give him any more problems.
- Taking his sarcasm Up to Eleven while talking about the way "Up The Long Ladder" plays up the danger of a solar flare...when there had been one just a month previously.
- His sympathy for Colm Meaney being stuck in the middle of a scene full of terrible Irish stereotypes: "Paycheck, paycheck, paycheck... urgggh, paycheck, paycheck..."
- Likewise he decides to drive home the "terrible Irish stereotype" point by subbing out the usual theme song with something by Black 47.
- From "Peak Performance", one of Picard's options in a no-win situation involving an alien named Kolrami is to put in the Kolrami code to get an extra thirty lives.
- When Data brings out a particularly farfetched bit of speculation in "Shades Of Gray", Chuck provides both a hilarious mockery and a hilarious explanation:Data: Absolutely, sir, it's similar to when a lion eats a zebra, then the zebra's seeds emerge from the lion's dropping to grow into melons, from which fully-grown zebras spring to continue the circle of life. Which reminds me, captain, there's a large magnet over my quarters which I would like tooooooooWWWWWWWWWelcome our contestants to tonight's show!
- The "Donuts, Go Nuts!" big lipped alligator moment involving Riker's floating head.
- From "Evolution"
- Dubbing the big baseball speech from Field of Dreams over a busty woman playing t-ball. It's disturbing how well it fits. "He will come."
- Picard on the phone with tech support.Picard: No, no I already tried that. No listen to me, we tried that, it didn't work! For the love of god listen to me, wait don't put me on hold! Oh god damn it! (...) Yes it's the main computer for the Enterprise-D. D, not B! ... Didn't I talk to you already? Oh screw you!
- "Maurice Hurley left as head writer. And there was much rejoicing!""Yay..."
- From "Who Watches the Watchers":
- Picard talks down a primitive woman who kneels before him, thinking he is a god.Picard: I do not deserve it.
Janeway: I do!
Picard: You shut up!
- Before and when Picard gets shot with an arrow:Picard: I would gladly die, Liko, if that's what it ta— (is hit square in the chest by the arrow) Motherbusfuckingahhhhhhh! Get it out, get-it-out, getitout, getitout, getitout!
- And the follow-up:Picard: Captain's Log: Dr. Crusher has repaired my injury with her usual skill—
Chuck (as Picard): And given how she failed to save that guy earlier it's not a stretch to say I now have a seal flipper where my arm used to be.
- Picard talks down a primitive woman who kneels before him, thinking he is a god.
- From "The Bonding" review:
- Picard struggling to deliver the news to a child that his mother is dead.Picard: Um, sorry to interfere with your routine. Uh, I mean that is, you... probably want to play with your "Pokeymon" cards or watch Howdy Doody or something, with the... with the other groovy kids in, uhm, "the hood"... Oh, this isn't working! Look, your mom's dead! She's in three different bags down in Sickbay if you want to take a look. I've got to go and find out why there was an archaeology mission and I was left in the dark, again!
- Picard asks if the child would be truly happy with living in a blissful fiction. Cut to Christopher Pike beeping "Yes!" in response.Picard: Quiet! No one asked you!
- Picard struggling to deliver the news to a child that his mother is dead.
- "Booby Trap" finishes with Chuck telling us to check out his Twitter feed to stay up to date with the website issues, where we'll get a bunch of explanations for why videos are late, plus "Why is there a bird on my pillow watching me sleep?" And then the stinger: "Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!"
- There is a scene where Riker talks about the trap that's draining the shields and exposing the crew to deadly radation. Chuck's Riker finishes with "The only solution is to give into despair and transform into witches."
- Picard's constant irritation at everyone failing to understand the term "Ship in a bottle", leading to this outburst;
- Wesley calls attention to how main power returner is "acting a little weird." Riker asks him to define "weird".Wesley: Weird is when you tell a girl you like to listen to the sound of her pee, and she starts to cry. Y'know.
- The Venn Diagram of Geordi's problems during the episode.
- As Geordi is getting exasperated working with the holographic Leah Brahms, Chuck recommends Geordi stop saying "Booby" so much.
- From "The Enemy":Chuck: It's more convincing the way Picard says it; you know how Picard phrases these things.
Picard: I shall now put on my unicorn costume. And as the unicorn I am forever spraying rainbows out of my tail. Rainbows that will light the way to the future of us all. So you must decide: will you be the virgin and slay the unicorn, or ride the rainbow with me into a new era, Tomolak?
- From "The Defector":
- When the Romulan ship actually leaves Federation space:Picard: Son of a—I have no idea what to do now, that's never worked before.
- This review's annoying character went to Data's wig, a.k.a Tribble, a.k.a the mushroom cap of horror.
- When the Romulan ship actually leaves Federation space:
- From "The Hunted":
- The review starts with Crusher saying that Rogna Danar's cell structure has been altered by a combination of...blah, blah, blah and crypo-something-something-something, Riker responds with what the audience was thinking: "I don't even know what the hell those things you said are."
- From "The High Ground":
- Chuck laughing at Wesley requesting to be on an away mission.
- Regarding the Irish Unification of 2024.Picard: That wasn't violent, they voted to leave the United Kingdom, it was Irexit.
- Picard and Dr. Crusher argues about Finn's morality:Chuck: ...Picard points out that she is defending a man who, for all they know, has murdered Wesley. [without skipping a beat] Although, he also did bad things too, let's not forget that.
- From "Déjà Q":Q: So is it your turn now to instruct me about being human? (gets kicked out) Hey, hey, hey!
- The description for the "Yesterday's Enterprise" review.Chuck: Opinionated Next Gen Episode Guide looks at what happens when the writers get together and say "@#$# you Gene, this is how you kill Tasha." The appearance of the Enterprise-C alters reality so that Tasha exists, the downside being that the Klingons are about to enslave us. It's give and take.
- From "The Offspring":
- "They kept calling me 'Lalcat'."
- From "Sins of the Father":Worf: Permission to run away screaming.
Picard: You don't have to ask twice, Worf.
- From "Captain's Holiday":
- The beginning of the review:Little boy: Mommy, look what I found. (fires phaser)
His mother: Oh my god! Oh, the horror! (police sirens go off)
Police officer: Everyone please stand back.
- When a floating ball approaches Picard.Chuck!Picard: Kenobi! Goddamnit, Kenobi, I told you to fuck off an hour ago! God, I hate this place! I hope it starts raining and you're all as miserable as I am!
- "Picard and his little friend Talking Latin Penis!"
- The beginning of the review:
- From "Tin Man":
- Chuck pictures Riker's reaction to having to work with Tam Elbrun as everyone else's reaction to having to work with Jonathan Archer of the Klingon Disaster, the Time War Kerfuffle, and the cause of what historians now refer to as "The Great Clusterfuck".
- Chuck's analogy of what Elbrun has to go through is imagining asking someone to give you directions to the courthouse, and instead of just telling you, they have to do a minute long song and dance routine about it first.
- When Chuck mentioned the "licked donut" policy, he didn't expect the organic ship's attack to look like a donut. Also, any mentions of this donut.
- From "Hollow Pursuits":
- Chuck's amazement of how the crew intruding on Barclay's holodeck fantasies makes them come across as worse than Janeway.Chuck: You might remember "Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy" which included the Doctor painting Seven naked and him taking over the command from the ship, you know, all his fantasy stuff? Janeway's response to that was to say that she was sorry for intruding on his fantasy life. Tell me: What kind of a wormhole have we fallen through when it's Janeway who's the understanding and supportive leader, and Riker who's the borderline tyrant!?
- Chuck's little "advertisement" of Douchebag Aftershave, with Will Riker as the advertiser.
- Chuck's amazement of how the crew intruding on Barclay's holodeck fantasies makes them come across as worse than Janeway.
- Throughout "The Most Toys", frequently riffing that Kivas Fajo is lucky he'd abducted Data instead of Lore.Chuck: (after explaining why Data's appreciation for art and completely rational way of thinking makes him disinclined to simply destroy Fajo's collection) That's why it is a good thing it's not Lore in there, right? He'd be smashing all that stuff up while singing ♪Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, men have named you...♪ "Don't worry, Fajo, these things had character!" (smashing noises)
- Chuck's quip when Fajo threatens Data.Fajo: And if you don't, I'll simply kill someone else. (points to henchman) Him perhaps.
Chuck: The worse the economy gets, the more benefits you lose at your job. Like not getting shot.
- Chuck's quip when Fajo threatens Data.
- From "Sarek", review, after Sarek has Mind Melded with Picard.Chuck: Meanwhile a bad situation is made worse when Picard gets a look at the Star Trek XI script.
Picard: NOOOOOO! It is, it is, wrong, it is WRONG!
Chuck: And then he thinks he's a Bulldog...
Picard: Rogh, ROGH, ROGH!
- Also his snipes against Wesley are even harsher than usual this review, with him repeatedly characterizing Wesley as a comically creepy and pathetic whiner with an incestuous obsession with his mother.
- Also this, when Beverly relates the story of her suddenly getting angry and slapping Wesley and Troi explains she has "heard the same kind of story from ten other people over the last two days":Chuck: Huuuh, yeah... Ten people hitting Wesley over the last two days. That's a little high, even for him.
- Also this, when Beverly relates the story of her suddenly getting angry and slapping Wesley and Troi explains she has "heard the same kind of story from ten other people over the last two days":
- Also his snipes against Wesley are even harsher than usual this review, with him repeatedly characterizing Wesley as a comically creepy and pathetic whiner with an incestuous obsession with his mother.
- From the description of the episode, "Ménage à Troi"Opinionated Next Gen Episode Guide looks at the return of Lwaxana Troi and the Ferengi to TNG, unfortunately. A Ferengi falls for Lwaxana and thus kidnaps her, her daughter, and Riker, thus the pun on the title Ménage à trois, which is French for "Megatron."
- "The Best of Both Worlds":
- His comment that trying to ward off the Borg with the threat of their new technology is like trying to ward off a date rapist with the threat that you have crotchless panties. Then commenting that if you find that a tasteless metaphor, you'd be completely wrong, because it's a simile.
- Chuck figuring that the Borg, who are utterly uninterested in the Enterprise crew beaming over, are basically utterly bored office drones. Cue Grumbling Borg Monologue.
- The description for Part II: "Opinionated Next Gen Episode Guide presents part 2 of the classic. The Borg plan to overwhelm the entire Federation with just one ship and the abducted Picard, the cosmic equivalent of 'Why you hitting yourself, why you hitting yourself?'"
- ALL of Chuck's lines for Picard's brother Robert "the Happiest man in Europe" Picard, regarding how hilariously dickish (Where you going? I was getting my best curse words ready ya baldy skidmark!) and miserable (I had an orgasm once. I didn't care for it!) he acts with his "barely concealed rural rage", directly comparing him to both the Banjo kid from Deliverance and Jason Voorhees in terms of people skills. One quote that stands out is "I think Robert missed his true calling, running an orphanage in a Charles Dickens novel." The children-hating thing must run in the blood.
- His surprised reaction when Picard actually shows kindness to a child.
- From the video description "Plus, Wesley's backstory is fleshed out to the utter joy of his fan." Yes, there is a singular.
- Chuck explaining why the "Brothers" review was delayed. By throwing in clips of flooding from various film, from Superman to 2012 note One must wonder if Chuck does montages as a form of stress release.Chuck: For those of you wondering why there was no show last week... there was an... incident. *cue montage*
- When security's preparing to take the bridge back, Chuck mentions all the times in the past that Enterprise's security team has looked absolutely Looney Tunes, but says now's the time to prove their worth. "Now is the time you rise." Cue Data utterly trouncing them to Yakety Sax.
- From "Suddenly Human":
- This Bait-and-Switch Comment:Picard: Just half an hour ago, he was crying like a baby.
Chuck: Yes, but enough about Wesley, how's Jono been doing?
- This Bait-and-Switch Comment:
- From "Remember Me":
- Worf offering to arrange an accident for Dr. Crusher's friend after she said something about her friend falling somewhere.
- From "The Wounded":
- "And as you can tell by this hat, I lost a bet." Presumably with Gul Dukat.
- From "Clues":
- The Running Gag of Data coming up with different far-fetched explanations for the discrepancies everyone notices, and Picard not believing any of them — all of the explanations being the plots from other Star Trek episodes or films.
- Picard ends up doing it too, when he suspects that Starfleet Command is somehow involved in the cover-up:Picard: Did they order you to conceal the truth from us?
Chuck (as Picard): Some... Some kind of rogue section in the Federation perform abominable things in the name of peace? Even going as far as to threaten entire species with extinction?!
Chuck (as Data): Now who is reaching, Captain?
- And finally:Picard: (to Data) You will conceal your knowledge of the Paxans for as long as you exist.
Chuck (as Data): ...Suppose I was destroyed, but my memory was put into a robot double of myself—
Chuck (as Picard): Shut up! I've had enough of your nonsense!
- Picard ends up doing it too, when he suspects that Starfleet Command is somehow involved in the cover-up:
- Then there's the theme for Blue's Clues playing when Picard figures out the mystery, with an accompanying clip of Picard dancing.
- The Running Gag of Data coming up with different far-fetched explanations for the discrepancies everyone notices, and Picard not believing any of them — all of the explanations being the plots from other Star Trek episodes or films.
- "First Contact": Picard confirming Archer's Unperson status: "His name tastes heinous!"
- When discussing the scene where Riker is forced to have sex with an alien in order to escape, Chuck notes that the idea that some people would be sexual attracted to aliens isn't that unusual... like those who wonder what Tali looks like under her suit, while a bikini-clad pin-up appears on the screen? Cue Chuck realising he's perhaps revealed too much and quickly back-peddling to the episode at hand!
- From "Night Terrors":
- Chuck points out that Deanna and the male Betazoid had the same dream...to make it on Broadway!
- From "Identity Crisis":
- Chuck calls attention to a certain shadow that looks like one of the female members of an away team is sporting a massive erection.
- From "The Nth Degree", Geordi and Barclay's back-and-forth, especially how the last digit of Pi is "chunky".
- Chuck's conversation with John.
- Mentioning that Barclay become smarter mirrors the plot of a certain science fiction work... a Japanese TV show:
- When Troi asks Barclay "How are we to trust an officer who doesn't follow orders?", Chuck shows the clip from Star Trek IV of Kirk getting demoted to captain and placed in command of a starship.
- Chuck sums Worf's attitude up in one sentence with, "I think we should use the Apocalypse Bomb!"
- From the review of "Qpid", Chuck muses on how the Enterprise is used for receptions, a Space Holiday Inn, if you will, culminating in the mental image of Worf chasing a shriner down the hallways.
- Q asks what Robin Hood is most famous for. After Q brushes off "steals from the rich and gives to the poor", Chuck starts naming other famous deeds, each time cutting back to Q's "Besides that" response.
- From "The Drumhead":
- Chuck notices that J'Dan is rather obsessed with Klingon strength and will for someone who is merely an exobiologist.Chuck (as J'Dan): I have completed my studies of the planet! And discovered... this new form of daisy, for the glory of the Empire! And it will submit to us! Submit, daisy, submit or be crushed under heel!
- Picard looking at the audience and saying, "You, viewers at home, have you figured it out yet?"
- Chuck notices that J'Dan is rather obsessed with Klingon strength and will for someone who is merely an exobiologist.
- From "Half a Life":
- Chuck's reaction to Timicin saying that the Kaelons are "defined by their planet" is to quip that it at least makes more sense than the Kaelons being their planet's twin siblings.
- From "In Theory":
- Chuck denying that there's anything suggestive in this episode, only to then describe how the Enterprise uses a long round piece of equipment to penetrate a nebula and unleash its powerful white burst within.
- Toral's dramatic entrance into the Klingon High Council gets undermined.Chuck: (in a whiny kid voice) I'd have been here sooner, but the chain fell off my bicycle!
- Toral's dramatic entrance into the Klingon High Council gets undermined.
- The fact that he uses the original German version of Nenas "99 Luftballons"
- The Running Gag of Worf giving a "Reason You Suck" Speech to Picard and Riker, and explaining The Worf Effect as being a result of them never letting him fight until they've already exhausted every other option, by which time the enemy is always prepared and kicks his ass.
- From the same review: "I'll check [Picard's] academy records. His language course was 203. Let me cross-check that. Hmm. Oh yes! He's fluent in yelling at people. This is the time honoured method of speaking your own language LOUDLY and some-what slow-ly to people who don't speak it, in the hopes that they will suddenly understand you. (beat) The others just laugh at him.
- Reprimanding Captain Picard for bad language.Alien captain: Shaka, when the walls fell.
Picard: Shaka indeed.
Chuck: Language, Picard!
- "Ensign Ro": Ro is ordered by Riker to not wear her Bajoran earring, and later, during the briefing, she snidely mentions how Troi is allowed to wear her cleavage-laden uniform and Worf is allowed to wear his metallic sash. "Hey, nice bandolier, Chewbacca. I bet that's standard issue..."
- From "Disaster":
- Picard makes another hopeless attempt at making small talk with children:Picard: I've... Ummm... I've switched lately from rice crackers to brown rice crackers, because they have more fiber, obviously. And I can't decide werther to add flax seeds or flax seed oil to my dishes. Do you-do you have any suggestions on that?
- As O'Brien and Ensign Ro are explaining about how the warp core is going to go boom, all Troi can hear is: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah."
- Picard makes another hopeless attempt at making small talk with children:
- "The Game":
- When Riker looks uninterested in a supposedly passionate intimate scene, Chuck wonders if it's because "Number One has difficulty reporting to the bridge."
- The scene with Wesley being forced to play the titular game, Chuck plays GLaDOS's "The Reason You Suck" Speech at Wesley.
- Best of all? In the clips played to this speech, the companion cube is represented by Data.
- His horror at the repetitions about Riker bringing something back from Risa, as well as pointing out that, without context, it makes it sound like Riker regularly contracts an STD whenever he goes on shore leave.
- From "Unification Part II":
- "But at least they have the good sense to nerve pinch her into unconsciousness, then proceed to draw dicks on her face, just like back at the Vulcan Fraternity."
- In "A Matter of Time", originally posted Nov. 23, 2013, Chuck talks about how the episode has Matt Frewer, star of a short-lived sitcom called Doctor, Doctor, as a supposed time traveler in a tiny craft who shows up just as a historical crisis is about to go down. He keeps getting the feeling there's something he should be remembering...
- For added laughs, Doctor, Doctor produced the theme song Chuck used on the early Doctor Who reviews.
- His use of X-Box Live speak when illustrating how to call the Enterprise crew cheaters.
- From "Conundrum":
- When Worf just says that there's no answer from the new kind of starship, Chuck tells him to give them a chance. Which culminates in,Worf: Hello? No answer, sir. I recommend we shoot them. Shoot them right in their stupid face.
- When Worf just says that there's no answer from the new kind of starship, Chuck tells him to give them a chance. Which culminates in,
- From "Power Play":
- Chuck referring to possessed O'Brien, Troi, and Data's plan to blow their cover as "Operation Self-Nut Punch".
- From "Ethics"
- The Noodle Implements involved in non-gendered sex in "The Outcast".
- From "Cause and Effect"
- Worf is such a horrible poker player that he's hocked Alexander for gambling money.
- Picard believes there no sufficient reason to deviate from the course, despite the foreboding warnings.Geordi: What about voices from the future screeching about our impending doom?
Picard: Not good enough! I need more than the desperate screams of my future self to make a course correction.
- From "The First Duty"
Chuck!Vulcan: I'd tell ya to live long and prosper, but as a Starfleet officer, my first duty is to tell the truth, so I hope you die poor, alone, surrounded by people cursing your name and spittin' on ya. And my salute's different from other Vulcans, too - it's just this one finger...
- After Picard delivers his speech to Wesley.Wesley: So you care about my "duty"?
Picard: Save the Toilet Humor for Riker.
Wesley: Don't you mean "number one"?
Picard: Damn it, this is serious! You're in—
Wesley: Deep "duty"?
Picard: Get the hell out!
- His whole take on the exceedingly grumpy Vulcan at the academy as being both a distant relation of Robert Picard and also being Satan himself.
- After Picard delivers his speech to Wesley.
- From "The Perfect Mate":
- Chuck musing that the temple's name sound likes a sheep choking.
- From "I Borg":
- Chuck revealing the Borg's one weakness, spam!
- From "The Next Phase":
- Chuck sardonically commenting that Ro's idea that since she is apparently dead and should therefore make peace with her old life is a very difficult self-imposed task, since he finds the idea of Ro being at peace just about as hard to picture as Neelix saying: "I suppose that's none of my business."
- Data suggesting that Worf jump out of a cake during Ro and LaForge's memorial service, which later leads to this bit with Picard and Riker.Picard: I understand Worf will jump out of a cake!
Riker: He won't be naked, will he?
Picard: Course not! He'll be wearing that sash.
- From "The Inner Light":
- Chuck explaining the reason why he doesn't like the "live every day like it's your last" statement is because if this day was his last day, he ain't doing shit except buy tons of cookies no matter what his wife tells him.
- "Time's Arrow": Chuck compares use of the time travel trope to a stage magician botching his disappearing act and convincing the audience to turn around while he invokes Yog-Sothoth.
- His idea for a more accurate episode title: "Samuel Clemens, Bloody Nuisance."
- "Realm of Fear":
- Waking up the captains. Kirk dreaming about Twilight. Sisko is wondering whether he is Jesus or Buddha. And Janeway is doing something that involves electricity and a loud thud.Janeway: And stay down!
- Barclay is trying to relax in his quarters with dimmed lighting, candles and taped sound effects of whalesong, birdsong and the like...Barclay: Computer, more birds.
The Byrds: To every thing, turn, turn, turn...
- O'Brien's reaction upon being told by Barclay to wake the senior staff.O'Brien: I'm so taking that transfer to that space station...
- Waking up the captains. Kirk dreaming about Twilight. Sisko is wondering whether he is Jesus or Buddha. And Janeway is doing something that involves electricity and a loud thud.
- From "Relics":
- The conversation among Scotty, Riker, and LaForge concerning whether or not people can come back from the dead.
- Scotty swearing that he saw Worf and O'Brien when he got into a bar fight with the Klingons.
- Scotty's attempts at Techno Babble being thwarted by the fact that this show uses actual continuity.Scotty: This century sucks!
- "It's Scotty, and in engineering there's nothing Scotty can't do...except possibly a situp."
- "Did I tell you about the time I killed a zombie with a cricket bat?"
- From "Schisms":
- A hilarious yet completely plausible interpretation of the aliens, their motivations for the abductions, and explanation of why and how the body horrors were inflicted is given: They're trying to figure out how to safely enter the crew's universe, and blaming a coworker's constant hovering, the doctor kept screwing up. He was supposed to get a skin sample, sneezed, and accidentally cut off Riker's arm. When he tried to reattach it, he did it backwards, and the coworker had to redo it properly. Then, due to the coworker reorganising his phials and he himself not paying attention to the labeling, he accidentally did something to mess up another abductee's blood. Instead of seeing if this could be fixed, however, he panicked and chucked the abductee straight back into the Enterprise. Needless to say, the coworker is unimpressed and calls him a dumbass. Worse, near the end, the coworker tries to nervously greet and explain things, but Riker is too busy escaping and shoots him in the foot. The dumbass doctor makes a snide comment about how Riker would have missed if the coworker hadn't reattached the arm.
- From "True Q":
- "Who decides who lives and who dies? It's me! Yes, it's me! Back into nothingness, Buttercup."
- Chuck does not approve of "Rascals":
- "To err is human. This is getting the runs while wearing white pants."
- After watching younger Keiko discuss her issues with O'Brien, Chuck wonders if he's cursed to keep wandering into underaged Japanese girls in uncomfortable situations.
- Kid!Guinan and Kid!Ro jumping on a bed like a trampoline: *sigh* "And I just got Buxom Girls on Trampolines Vol. 3. Now I'm not gonna be able to watch it without thinking of this."
- From "A Fistful of Datas":
- Chuck jokes that Mexican bandits will always be found in South Dakota, since it's so close to the border, of Canada. Which then segues into him acting as a Canadian bandito.
- Chuck notices that Worf seems eager to execute Eli.Worf: Do I get to eat him? Tell me I get to eat him!
- From "The Quality of Life":
- "Ahhh, this weighs 90 pounds! Can we get on with this?"
- When talking about how difficult it is to find the right criteria to categorize things, he points out that some men have breasts, although they don't exactly compare to Kat Dennings.
- The "Chain of Command" reviews:
- The review has Chuck's description of Ronny Cox's career:
- Picard's shaking off the Cardassians escorting him out of the interrogation room becomes a drunk Patrick Stewart yelling at cops.
- Chuck states that Madred is interrogating Picard while under the influence of drugs- and then has to clarify that Picard is under the influence, not Madred. Chuck then goes on to say (and provide a brief skit of) how much more hilarious the episode would be if it was the other way around, playing a Stoned Madred.
- From "Ship in a Bottle":
- "I think, therefore I'm fabulous!"
- From "Face of the Enemy":
- Chuck stating that the purpose of seminars is for Starfleet officers to be kidnapped and/or replaced by duplicates, accompanied with a Starfleet convention schedule that includes kidnapping and a free lunch buffet for doppelgangers.
- From "Tapestry":
- This episode's Lazarus of the Week award goes to none other than "John Luck Pickerd".
- From "Birthright":
- When Worf mentions the "rite of mushka", it segues into a clip from the 1991 Addams Family movie of Gomez and Fester Addams performing the mamuska. Chuck mentions that it makes more sense in the original Klingon.
- When Data mentions that the Ferengi view the hammer as a sign of sexual prowess.Picard: Yeah, let me stop you there before you give me any further mental images that can't be scrubbed away.
- From "Starship Mine":Chuck!Picard: Yes, finally, a girl! Someone I could probably take in a fight. After that embarrassment with Soran, I need an—ah, Jesus! Where the hell is my saddle when I need it? Dah, not in the face!
- From "Lessons":
- Chuck clarifying that the episode starts with Picard coming to Data in the middle of the night, not the romance.
- "The Chase" has Galen giving Picard a priceless artefact. Cut to Star Trek: Generations, where Picard tosses it aside to save a photo album.
- Also, the running gag about sucking trucker dick.
- From "Frame of Mind":
- "I suppose I could, your counseling advice has never led anyone astray. Time to go torture a cat."
- From "Second Chances":
- After Chuck explains what Troi was feeling after Thomas kissed her, he starts to speculate what Thomas was thinking, how Utah is doing in the NBA playoffs.
- Chuck saying that Riker pairing up with Riker seems like spiteful dick measuring contest, a contest that neither one of them would win.
- From "Timescape":
- "God, Riker. What fresh plate of hell have you served me today, and what flavor of crap does it come in?"
- From "Descent (Part 1)":
- Chuck pointing out that Data was allowed to take some time off to watch porn to see if it made him horny. He tried putting that on his job application, but he never did get hired.
- From "Descent (Part 2)":
- Chuck imaging what two of the background Borg are saying to each other, dialogue matching their motions included.
- From "Gambit: Part 1":
- Chuck laughs at when the alien describes Picard as 2 meters tall since Michael Dorn and Jonathan Frakes are the tallest cast members, yet even they aren't that tall. He muses that the script writer must have confused Patrick Stewart with Dwayne Johnson.
- Yes, Chuck does say "not in the face" in his Picard voice.
- Unless the Scum talks, he'll get beamed down to Rura Penthe wearing a T-shirt that says "Kahless eats dicks in Hell".
- From "Gambit: Part 2":
- When Riker punches Picard, Chuck delivers his "not in the face" gag in his Picard voice.
- Worf swears to find out who taped a sign to Data's back that says "Kick me, for I am without honor".
- From "Dark Page":
- Chuck speculating how Picard is struggling not to grin when he sees Lwaxana Troi unconscious.
- From "Attached":
- Picard repeatedly sniding about how bad Crusher's breakfast was.
- From "Phantasms":
- He explains that the plot would make more sense if Picard ran his ship the way Janeway ran hers, and deliberately sabotaged the warp core to avoid having to go to the admirals' meeting, then sabotaged Data so he couldn't fix it.Janeway!Picard: (dumps a bag of sugar into the warp core) Woops, looks like we won't make it to that banquet after all!
Data: Not to worry sir, Geordi and I can fix—
Janeway!Picard: (dumps a bag of sugar into Data's head)
Data: *Bzzt* *Bzzt* *Bzzt* Must-stab-counselor-Troi...
Janeway!Picard: Oh dear, looks like there's no time to fix that engine, Mr. La Forge, you have to tend to our android.
Janeway!Picard: Sounds almost as serious as last year's banquet. I'll be in Ten Forward, feel free to leave me alone.
- He explains that the plot would make more sense if Picard ran his ship the way Janeway ran hers, and deliberately sabotaged the warp core to avoid having to go to the admirals' meeting, then sabotaged Data so he couldn't fix it.
- From "Force of Nature":
- Chuck joking that letting Spot do whatever she wants is a worse idea than making a sequel to Independence Day.
- It has some good moments, like Chuck describing saying Worf's bat'leth competition trophy can be used as a weapon, and trying to figure out how to describe a group of Worfs before settling on calling it a "brood".
- His discussion of his twin boys was his funniest joke so far.
- As Data gives Worf his birthday present, which is obviously a painting, Chuck says "Oh, I bet that's a basketball!"
- Chuck's commentary on Worf learning he's married to Troi in an alternate reality:Chuck: Give the man a pointy stick and a bad guy, and it doesn't matter where he is, Worf knows what to do. This? you might as well be asking him to write your horoscope.
- Worf's goodbye to Troi before returning to his reality:Worf: It doesn't take much to see the problems of a strapping Klingon and a Human/Betazoid mongrel don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy galaxy. But if that shuttle gets off the ground and I'm not on it, I'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but when I meet your mother, my God will I regret it.
- From "The Pegasus":
- Chuck making comparisons between Captain Picard Day and Christmas.
- "Sub Rosa"'s review starting with, instead of "99 Luftballoons", the Ghostbusters theme.
- Chuck calling Ronin 'Casper the Rapey Ghost'.
- From "Lower Decks":
- Chuck telling Lavelle that if he keeps saying "Aye", he'll run of of "Ayes" and have to start using "Arrrghs!"
- From "Thine Own Self":
- Chuck joking that if Riker wants to be sarcastic he'd talk out of his butt instead of through his trombone.
- The entire riff on Picard holding a phallic object in front of his crotch in "Masks", suspecting that Stewart and Frakes knew exactly what it looked like and did it deliberately.
- He even happily points out the exact moment that Frakes realizes what Stewart is doing, where you can see the former double-take and come within a hair of corpsing as the connection is made.
- The rant on how incomprehensible the episode is:Chuck: It's like one of those snooty films that's just two men in a restaurant booth arguing in French for six hours, while every twelve minutes a bicycle with no rider rolls past the window... with the addition of the Star Trek cast talking about it all the while.
- From "Genesis":
- One caption reads "Up yours for not letting me eat your fish!"
- From "Firstborn":
- When saying that it's not often that a man becomes a sword, Worf decides that it's a metaphor, like the sex talk, but not in the same way.
- From "Preemptive Strike":
- Chuck stating that the materials the proto-star emits effs with the Wi-Fi.
- When describing the USS Pasteur in the reviews of "All Good Things..."Chuck: ... And there's where we see the ship belonging to Beverly Crusher. A little different, big round head there angled off of the long main shaft that's easy to grip for optimal placement. The Clitmaster 5000 has set the bench-mark of quality in the... Shit, I've got the wrong script here...
- The reason why Troi is dead in the future? Worf never should have lent her his car keys.
- Chuck has way too much fun naming the midgets.
- The end of part 1: Picard orders an Earl Grey, but the computer responds that it doesn't have that on record; cue Big "NO!" and EPIC CLIFFHANGER MUSIC!
- Old Man Picard remembering the Romulan Neutral Zone no longer exists, and his following rant.