Star Trek: The Motion Picture
- Chuck riffs in the style of The Man Your Man Could Smell Like in the remixed review.
- When McCoy beams aboard:
Anyway, I suppose as we see Kirk head off, it's a good time to comment on how the updated ship is an improvement, despite overdoing the beige a little bit. They've clearly gone out of their way with all the stuff to not have that sixties era feel to it. Instead, be a timeless piece that— (McCoy shows up on the transporter dressed in what can best be described as a Bee Gees ensemble) The hell
? (disco music plays)
I'm not sure, this might be Grizzly Adams, and he seems to have the headpiece to the staff of Ra
around his neck.
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
- A bit of road rage compelled him to call out a fellow motorist and compare him to Khan Noonien Singh.
"Earlier this month I was at a red light, ready to turn right, but stopped, causing the driver behind me to honk repeatedly. However, while it's legal to turn right on red, it's generally not advisable when the road is wet and there's a tractor trailer approaching. Apparently, though, the man behind me felt that we were not just two drivers on the road, no; somehow we were joined on an unspoken suicide pact that I was thoughtlessly reneging on. When the truck passed, I went on my way, followed by the other driver who, ignoring the wet pavement, ran another red light and — unconcerned about little things like the presence of other vehicles on the road — sped up to pull alongside me and repeatedly
honked his horn to get my attention for quite a long time, until finally I gave in and looked at him so he could flip me off and be on his way. And that was all.
This cro-magnon felt that it wasn't enough to just flip me off
; he was prepared to risk himself and others just to make sure I was aware he was doing it
. He couldn't handle me not knowing
it, whereas I am quite unbothered that he'll never know that I'm
saying that he's a phallically-challenged maladjusted uncivilized moronic social cripple whose only possible contribution for society would be if someone created an engine that could run on loser. And while he will never know it, I'm fine with merely sharing that feeling with tens of thousands of people
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
- Chuck dismisses the idea of writing off the film's flaws because Shatner's ideas of what he wanted it to be were completely at odds with the studio. He explains it by using the analogy of a creator wanting to make a movie about the Holocaust, and the studio wanting to make a musical comedy - past a certain point, the creator's idea has to yield unless he wants it to become something completely unfitting.
...but for Shatner, it was, "Five! Six! Seven! Eight! If I had one wish, it would be Auuuusch-wiiiiitz!"
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
Star Trek: Generations
Star Trek: First Contact
Star Trek: Insurrection
- After the joystick comes out, the Pac-Man theme starts up.
Riker: Riker to engineering, I need quarters! Lots of quarters!
- Chuck turns Gilbert and Sullivan into a running gag, adds a car lock sound effect to the special tricorder Worf uses to subdue an out-of-control Data, makes reference to a "Turnip of Mass Destruction", has Riker playing Pac-man, comments on how the planet can make Geordi grow new eyes but no hair for Picard, and totally rips into the so-called perfect Ba'ku, to the point of calling them Elves.
Chuck: Yeah, piss off back to your tree and make me some cookies.
- After talking about how on the Enterprise, they solve all problems with technical gibberish:
Picard: Transmit a wide band co-variant signal. That ought to get his attention.
Chuck (as Picard): He'll come to figure out what the hell I'm talking about!
- "In space, no one can hear you ham."
Star Trek: Nemesis
- Chuck opening the review with a parody of Emperor Uriel Septim's opening monologue from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, with "Reign of the Septims" playing in the background. The fact Chuck absolutely nails his Patrick Stewart impression sells it.
Picard: I was born 74 years ago. For 15 years I've served as the Enterprise captain, but for all these years, I've never been the captain of my own dreams. Behold! In darkness, a doom sweeps through space. This is Stardate 56844.9, the year 2379. These are the closing days of the my era... and the final hours of my franchise.
- His Psycho-Janeway version of why Janeway sent Picard to Romulus is extremely funny and the best part is that it makes complete sense in the context of the movie. Chuck, that wasn't self-indulgent, it was completely hilarious.
- The buggy scene and the compared opening driving scene of Star Trek (2009), both set to "Cotton-Eyed Joe" by the Rednex.
- Playing Captain Kirk's recitation of the solemn vow to not break the Prime Directive over the gun-toting car chase was especially juicy. "Prime Directive? What's that?"
- As he notes how Paramount ultimately put the film franchise to rest after Nemesis' failure, starting anew in Star Trek (2009), he plays "Cotton Eye Joe" over the clip of young Kirk driving his stepfather's car.
Star Trek (2009)
- Adding to this, "If they were anymore inside a computer, Spock would have to change 'Live Long and Prosper' to 'I fight for the Users'."
- Later, the reason they can't go to warp is that Sulu tried to jailbreak the Enterprise.
- His habit of referring to the film as "Star Trek, open bracket, 2009, close bracket."
- Pointing out that person Pike has explain their orders to the crew is the person with a thick accent.
Chuck (as Chekov): Remember do not open the kashplachen no matter what! Also do not activate the kershplachen unless the corshplachen first otherwise death or dismemberment may occur, no matter what happens to the goldfish!
- Also: "You said it! ...Whatever you said."
- Chekov not beaming up Amanda:
- Chuck referring to Nero's ship as "Satan's Batmobile".
- "Is this about the cheating thing, the peeping tom thing, or that cockfight I'm running out of the dean's office at night?"
- Also, this:
Captain Spock, detecting unauthorized access to water turbine control board. Chuck:
I suspect it was moose and squirrel
- The bit where Spock-Prime loses it with Kirk.
Jim, the only way to get control of the ship from my other self is Regulation 619, showing that I am emotionally compromised... but it will be very difficult. I am a rock; I am unflappable. In order to get through, you must have overwhelming douchebaggery in your arsenal; you must convey a sense of smug self-assurance combined with a totally vacuous outlook on the basic humanity of others; you need to be the living embodiment of dickish behaviour — asshole personified.
Can you do this? Alternative Kirk:
I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was thinking about how much you stink of spoiled milk and old person. Spock-Prime:
...Get on the transporter pad, you little shit. Alternative Kirk:
Hey, don't— Spock-Prime:
NOW! Before I put you in an escape pod and fire you back at the Enterprise,
you little punk!
- And later, Chuck's over-the-top imitation of Kirk making Spock "emotionally compromised".
Hey! Hey, you know how you brought up my dead dad? How do you like it? Huh? How do you like it? Dead mom! Huh? Huh? Dead mom! Dead mom! Huh, does that bother you? Does that bother you? Dead mom's not touching you!
Huh-Oh, what was that Dr. Seuss book he wrote about your mom? One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
, wasn't that it? [laughs]
Hey, Spock, you know what? Yo momma's so dead
, the only thing that's going down on her now ARE THE WORMS!
- As Kirk is declared captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I declare that today is No Pants Day!"
- The bit about Admiral Archer still having Porthos as a stuffed dog and demanding people pet it and feed it treats...
- Also about Scotty beaming Porthos into oblivion:
Chuck: Some things just never sound good sober.
- Pulling a Call-Back to his joke that Archer can't win a fight after having some Fridge Brilliance while Spock kicks Kirk's ass.
Chuck: I knew Kirk said he knew Archer, but I didn't realize it was because he took Archer's self-defense course! Next up! How to curl into a ball while protecting your kidneys.
- Sarek's "You can't strangle him yet! You haven't knee'd him in the groin yet! What are you thinking boy!?"
- Upon seeing the doctor that helped deliver James Tiberius Kirk.
Chuck: Oh, my god! FAIRY!! Give it a saucer of milk, or it will steal your baby!
- From the bar scene.
Kirk: Okay, okay! Stop me if you've heard this one. Okay, guy walks into a bar, bartender says, "Why the long face"... (notices the guy sitting next to him does, indeed, have a long face) Oh, no offense. You do look a little depressed, though.
Long-Faced Alien: Oh, I've spent the last 300 years coming to the Heartland. You know, beam people onto my ship, terrify them, give them the anal probe, send them on their way. It's good for a laugh. Now I show up, and instead of being scared shitless by an alien, they all mace me and steal my ship, so now I'm stuck in frickin' Iowa!
Star Trek Into Darkness
- From the First Impressions video, Chuck mentions that everyone gets to do something and promptly lists off a bunch of normal things and then ending with McCoy's. Necromancy.
- The movie review itself kicks off with Chuck summarizing the film:
...it's a mindless piece of spectacle that follows the adventures of Jock Beerpong
, as he boldly stumbles
from one special effects sequence to the next in a way that would have made Charles Darwin
tear up his notebook and start over.
- As with many of his previous reviews, he decides to open with a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the film. Unlike his previous reviews, this particular behind the scenes featurette consists of him saying "a bunch of assholes dropped their pants and crapped all over a film reel," and nothing else!
- Annoyed with the notion of a cold fusion device being used to freeze a volcano, Chuck compares it to someone believing that a flu shot is actually ammunition for a shotgun that can make people sick.
- The frequent jabs at Reboot Kirk's shitty behavior.
- Minutes after the scene in which Kirk "gets some tail," Chuck gets very annoyed over the "Captain's" fratboyish attempts to screw anything with a vagina, to the point that he halfway expects him to shout "Vegas, baby, Vegas!"
- Admiral Pike's reprimand of Kirk gives way to a dissection of Reboot Kirk's many, many character flaws:
Yes, a young Kirk may have been this way, we were all dipshits when we were young, but nobody puts a dipshit in charge of a spaceship and expects him to learn how to act like a grown up. This guy is a first-class boob.
And what's worse, it's not even a case of him having to learn over the course of the film to stop acting like a first-class boob: Kirk's character arc seems to be that the rest of the universe just can't handle this much greatness in one place
! Even leaving aside what they have done to an icon — I mean, I've think I've made fun of Kirk often enough over the last decade to make it clear that I don't worship at the altar of James T. Kirk or anything; this isn't some "you murdered my childhood" thing, it's "what the hell is wrong with you people?!" Because I thought Stifler was great in the American Pie
movies, it would never occur to me to put him in charge of a fucking spaceship! And if anything, comparing Kirk to him is a disservice to Stifler
, because even the cartoonish jock prick had a character arc! The only way that Kirk grows is more insufferable.
- (after Kirk has been demoted and sent back to school) "Good, and good! Slap the jackhole out of him while you're at it!"
- Chuck's continued annoyance over the fact that the film exists solely to prove "Captain Fratboy McGropey" right about everything.
- "So yeah, Kirk's a captain again! That was a short-lived demotion, wasn't it?"
- When Scotty resigns over the torpedoes.
So, Kirk accepts his resignation... because Kirk is a dick. Way to show me how I was misjudging him, movie. So, how long before you show him playing grab-ass with Wallace?
- Chuck's amusement over the fact that the only friend Kirk has on Earth is Scotty - who is still clearly pissed off at him. His only conclusion is that Kirk is such a colossal asshole that even his friends and former coworkers want nothing to do with him.
- Oh, and immediately after Scotty hangs up on Kirk in disgust, Kirk decides to send "Specialist Wallace" a dick pick, complete with "Say cheese, Number One!"
- The infamous scene in which Kirk ogles Carol Marcus while she undresses and refuses to look away even after being caught in the act.
- In the end, Chuck point-blank refuses to play the clip of Kirk's "space, the final frontier" speech on the grounds that the douchebag hasn't earned the right to say it.
- (On Admiral Marcus' secret mission) "Kirk's on board: shooting Harrison sounds good in his book... although his book is one about a hungry caterpillar."
- When the frequent point of Starfleet not being a military organization, Chuck points out the fact that groups like NASA don't arm their space shuttles, and observes that Starfleet isn't military in the same way that Donald Trump isn't white.
- Upon witnessing Spock and Uhura having an argument in the middle of an important mission and Kirk impotently trying to break things up, Chuck seriously considers that the Red Dwarf crew would be making a better showing.
- After the Overly Long Gag of Kirk beating the living shit out of a defenseless Harrison for no good reason until Uhura intervenes, we get this:
J. J. Abrams:
You know, we've shown that Kirk is an arrogant womanizing irresponsible jerk who blames his own failings on others, but... just not sure we've done enough to make the audience hate him. Alex Kurtzmann:
How about if we have him beat an unresisting prisoner over and over and over
until others have to practically drag him off? J.J. Abrams:
You, sir, are getting a motherfucking raise!
- Upon reading Roberto Orci's response to criticism (which amounts to "I write the movies, so I'm above criticism") Chuck cheekily remarks that this might have been where Reboot Kirk got his characterization from.
- This leads to an even funnier scene later on when Chuck examines Nicholas Meyer's criticism of Into Darkness — specifically the observation that Kirk's death scene is a ripoff of Spock's death scene from Wrath of Khan and adds almost nothing beyond Spock's howl of "KHAAAAAAAAAN." Realizing that Orci is now being criticized by someone who actually has written for the Star Trek movies, Chuck jokingly assumes that any competition between the two writers would end in a draw: Meyer wrote a film that convinced a sitting president to change his national policy, and Orci wrote a one-season show about a soccer player who's also a secret agent. Same thing, right?
- Following the death of Kirk, a miracle happens and a beloved character returns to life: the tribble that Bones was experimenting on.
- The revelation that Khan's blood somehow has the power to restore the dead to life.
- Oh, and the name for Reboot Khan: Khaanderbatch.