Funny / Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

• Azeem effortlessly out-snarking Robin.
  Robin: Look, mistletoe. Many a maiden's lost her resolve to me thanks to this little plant.
  Azeem: In my country, we talk to our women. We do not drug them with plants.
• Azeem's frustration with typical British Weather when trying to find east so that he can pray properly:
  Azeem: Is there no sun in this cursed country?!
• Azeem's praying, and Robin gets attacked. Cue Robin winning a fight for his life, then turning on Azeem.
  Robin: You. You travel ten thousand miles with me to fulfill a vow and then leave me to be butchered?
  Azeem: I fulfill my vows when I choose.
  Robin: Which does not include prayer times, meal times, or any time I'm outnumbered six to one.
  Azeem: You whine like a mule. You are still alive.
• Duncan is blind, and kind of racist. And he has been unwittingly hanging out with Azeem for some time now.
  Duncan: A curse on Moors and Saracens! If it were not for their ungodly ways, Master Robin would never have left. (Beat) What manner of name is "Azeem"? Irish? Cornish?
  Azeem: Moorish.
  (Duncan cringes in fear.)
  • The best part is that, as Duncan is complaining about Moors, Azeem is slowly moving closer to him, so that when he speaks he is right next to the blind man.
• Azeem handing a telescope to Robin, who promptly is wigged out by this strange device he's never encountered before. (In this case, "wigged out" = "trying to stab the men who are over a mile away because the telescope shows them close up".)
  Azeem: How did your uneducated kind ever take Jerusalem???
  Robin: God knows.
• Every time someone talks about Robin defeating six of the Sheriff's men single-handedly, the number of men involved changes. Gisborne tries to downplay the damage by suggesting there were only four men with him, while Wulf, who probably can't count, doubles the number, likely to impress his father, who's preparing to kick Robin's ass.
• "There was a rich man from Nottingham who tried to cross a river! What a dope, he tripped on a rope! Now look at him shiver!"
• When Robin firsts meets Little John, he notices Wulf (whom he'd saved from the Sheriff's men earlier) calling John "Father."
  Robin: THAT'S your father?!
  Wulf: [nods and smiles]
  Robin: [Oh, Crap! face and weird nervous laugh]
• During their fight, John falls into the water and starts drowning because he can't swim. Robin offers to help him if John surrenders. John quickly agrees... only to find that the water is only knee deep.
• The Sheriff and his cousin, Guy of Gisborne, eye-rolling during church when the bishop asks for blessings for the Sheriff. Considering they're devil worshippers, this isn't surprising.
• As Robin escapes the castle, he knocks a guard over with a sack of potatoes. Just when this guy's day can't get any worse, the Sheriff repeatedly punches him, much to the amusement of the onlookers. Then he chases them off, ripping his cloak in the process.
• "LOCKSLEY! I'm going to cut your heart out with a spoon!" "Then it begins."
  Guy of Gisborne: Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe?
  Nottingham: Because it's dull, you twit! It will hurt more!
• After Robin cuts the Sheriff's cheek during an early confrontation, some unidentified smartass in the castle evidently has a statue of the Sheriff defaced to include the new scar. The Sheriff takes notice of this and distractedly tries to buff it out during one of his rants, and during the Storming the Castle sequence Robin is momentarily pulled out of the moment when he stops and does a Double Take at the scar on the statue.
  • And later, during their fight at the climax, the Sheriff gives Robin a similar cut (on the chin), gestures to his scar, and says, "Now we're even!"
• This outburst from the Sheriff:
  Nottingham: Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings...and call off Christmas!
  • Extra funny when you know that Alan Rickman ad-libbed the bit about Christmas, and everyone found it so hysterical that they kept it.
• The frustrated Nottingham to two women he passes by.
  Nottingham: You, my room, 10:30 tonight. (to the other woman) You, 10:45... And bring a friend!
• Marian stumbles over Robin bathing in a waterfall and gets an eyeful. Helped by her handmaid happily commenting, "Oh, my lady, look!"
  • Gets an extra bit of funny when they finally speak, and she tries to play it cool and ask, "What are you doing here?" as if she doesn't know that her old friend Robin of Locksley is Robin Hood. He replies, "Taking a lady's advice." (This is a reference to a funny moment from earlier in the film, where Marian asks him, as a personal favor to her, to please take a bath.)
• The Sheriff is storming around Mortianna's quarters, flailing a whip at the walls, and ends by picking up a knife and stabbing several pieces of raw meat on a plate. Mortianna, who's stopped dead in the middle of whatever ritual she's currently performing to watch all this, responds thus: "Something vexes thee?"
  • Not to mention his reaction to this comment, his body language and expression basically a giant Medieval "DUH!"
• Friar Tuck's first encounter with gunpowder.
• During the Final Battle, a guard on the castle battlements charges Azeem, who pulls out his sword and makes a few threatening gestures with it. The guard immediately turns around and runs away.
  • Also during the Final Battle, we get this exchange:
    Baron: My Lord Sheriff, is this your idea of control?
    Sheriff: Shut up, you twit!
• The catapult scene, to get Robin and Azeem in the castle. It's built up with epic music and a typical exchange - "Is she worth it?" "Worth dying for." - then they go flying over... and land in a hay wagon, with chickens going flying upwards. Then there's the priceless reaction from Will Scarlet.
  Will: Fuck me, he cleared it!
• In a very black comedy way, the Sheriff of Nottingham Comically Missing the Point about having "something pure" once in his life, as he begins trying to rape Marian in the middle of their wedding ceremony, with the corrupt bishop performing the service looking on in increasing horror. In particular, the shot of the Sheriff arching up his hips, planting his feet against Marian's ankles, and dropping suddenly to spread her legs is darkly, disturbingly hysterical.
  • And then having 'problems'. "I can't DO this with all that racket!"
  • And Mortianna tapping him on the shoulder to hand him a pillow. Yes, by all means, let's at least have the decency to make the woman comfortable while you violate her.
  • The pillow moment is topped off by the look on Marian's face reacting to the absurdity of them pausing to put a pillow under her head.
• The Sheriff's epic eye roll when Robin crashes his wedding.
• During the marriage of Robin and Marian, King Richard returns from the crusades. Every last person bows, except Azeem, who looks around, totally bemused.