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Funny / Robb Returns

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  • After awakening in the past, Robb immediately goes and hugs all his younger siblings: Sansa rolls her eyes, Arya reddens with anger and Bran and Rickon outright squirm to flee their brother.
  • In chapter 4, when Robb is telling Ned how much King Robert let himself go during the past years, he mentioned how when he arrived Winterfell he pretty much fornicated with half of the whores there:
    Ned: Why only half the whores?
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  • Stannis, of all people, gives us this line:
    Stannis Baratheon: Unfortunately, weasels cannot speak and therefore cannot attend trials.
  • From Chapter 51:
    Robert: Jon?
    Jon Arryn: Yes Your Grace?
    Robert: Why is the head of my Master of Coin looking down at me from a spike?
  • Upon awakening in Chapter 52, Willas Tyrell finds out from his grandmother that he had twice woke up as Mern IX, the last Gardener king, bellowing orders to people long since dead, and collapsing. Oh, and he pinched the bottom of the maid who brought him his food. Twice.
    Olenna: With hindsight, it was all most amusing.
    • When Olenna tries to deny being worried about Willas, even after a Maester's prognosis, Margarey shows her brother the embroidery that their grandmother a.k.a. the Queen of Thorns had made: a Maester being chased by a thorn bush.
  • Several people - such as Alliser Thorne - mention being on the privy when they heard the Call and nearly shitting themselves as a result.
  • Arya races in to give a rapid-fire talk on how the Old Gods spoke through Jon.
    Tyrion: I am most impressed, Lord Stark, by your daughter's ability to say all that without apparently breathing at any point.
  • Having been travelling together, Brynden and Brienne meet the Green Man who offhand comments to Brynden on Brienne being "your wife." The two assume it's a mix-up and insist they're not married...only for the Green Man to go "oh, sorry, bloody tenses."
    • Just the idea of the Blackfish and the Maid of Tarth as husband and wife is hysterical.
  • Chapter 85 has Olenna in fine form tearing into Mace for his plans to marry Margery off to Robert.
    Olenna: I admit it——I gave birth to an idiot.
  • In Chapter 88, it is revealed that Jon Arryn had a new candidate in mind for the Master of Coin position - Lord Stoutheart, who upon hearing of his nomination, was so happy that he promptly died of a fatal heart attack.
  • In the same scene, Renly comments on what Jon Arryn's title is now that Stannis had been made Hand of the King, but passed his duties back to Jon while he and Robert are in Winterfell.
    Renly: I am still a little unsure as what your title is, Jon. Acting Hand? Temporary Hand? Second-Hand?
  • Also in Chapter 88, Lord Hoster Tully requests his son Edmure to find a wife to continue the Tully line. Edmure agrees on one condition:
    Edmure Tully: Please - no Freys.
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  • Chapter 90 has Doran Martell express great annoyance; following the advice of a Maester that Oberyn recommended, of cutting down on certain foods, his gout has lessened to the point that he is now able to walk again for the first time in a long time. So why is he annoyed?
    Doran Martell: Because all the things I should not eat are the things that I truly love to eat!
  • Lady Catelyn comparing the usually grim-faced Jory Cassel to a poleaxed ox as he is about to get married.
  • Rickon apparently had to come up with a few other names for his direwolf before settling on Fleetfoot. Other possible names were Smellypoop, Big Paw and Ouchyfinger (the pup bit him).
  • Arya is trying to get Nymeria to look at her to try and warg into her, but the pup is far more interested in the lamb chop Arya is eating. Even when Arya puts the lamb chop in front of her face, Nymeria ignores her.
  • When hearing that the royal family would be riding all the way from White Harbor to Winterfell, Cersei tries to get a wheelhouse made for the trip. Given the speed that Robert wants, the terrain, and the number of times they'd have to change the wheels, all she gets is Robert laughing himself to tears at the sheer impracticality.
  • Robb, Jon and Theon all end up staring at Mance Rayder's goodsister Val when they see her. "Yearning" is the word Ned uses to describe them.
  • In Chapter 101, Gerion Lannister arrives to the Nightfort and reveals himself to his nephew Tyrion, who has thought the man dead for nearly a decade, and naturally faints at the shock and falls off his horse. Luckily Gerion catches him.
    Gerion Lannister: Well, I think he missed me.
  • Gerion cheerfully admits he has sex with his wife, a lot, in front of his dismayed son. Mance Rayder and Tormund feel No Sympathy whatsoever for the lad - those kneelers sure have strange hang-ups about life, eh?
  • Tormund and his exuberance when he has to bust down a few bricked-up passages in the Nightfort with a sledgehammer. Complete with hammer song.
  • The following line from Chapter 107:
    Kevan's Thoughts: The Ironborn would never be trusted again. And should they try to attack again then they would be thrown back into the sea. On fire. And with bushels of arrows in them.
    • Tywin's reaction to Willas taking control of the Reach.
    Tywin: Oh, woe, poor Mace.
  • After word gets out in the Reach that Willas's leg has been healed and that he has claimed Otherbane, the Ancestral Weapon of the Gardener Kings, a lot of noble houses in the Reach (that had previously ignored him) have been sending him marriage proposals for sisters and daughters of all kinds. Grandmother Olenna's usual acerbic commentary about the offers have left Willas in stitches.
  • Walder Frey suffers multiple ignominies when the Green Men reach the Twins, with Ser Duncan the Tall even telling him that he has not changed much from the snotty-nosed brat he was when they met more than 80 years before. Then Yoren shows up with a wight's head, which makes him suffer a stroke at the sight of it. His bladder then empties, and the Late Lord Frey is left dying, sitting in a puddle of his own urine, all while his numerous descendants freak out.
    Brynden Tully: (thinking) What a tragedy.
  • Willem Bootle, saying he is not afraid of legends and heathen symbols, swears an oath of innocence on the Fist of Winter, and he promptly dies when the magic in the Fist punishes him.
  • Robert finally arrives to Winterfell, and he and Eddard confront each other about their new signature weapons.
    Robert Baratheon: Nice stick. Almost as good as my old warhammer.
    Eddard Stark: Nice knife. Almost as good as my old sword.
    (Beat, then Robert and Eddard start laughing as they embrace each other.)
    • Joffrey is mentioned as preening as he catches sight of Sansa, sending her what he thinks is a charming smile. Sansa does not even seem to notice him.
    • When Robert greets Catelyn, he also ruffles Rickon's hair. Rickon is visibly thinking of biting him.
    • Robert asks Arya if she knows how to use a sword. Arya half-nods, before freezing and looking at her father.
  • Renly insists on calling the reduced Small Council "the Smaller Council".
  • A meta one: On the thread, the decapitated wight head that is one of the parts the Night's Watch has been taking around Westeros to prove that the Others have returned was nicknamed Dame Head-rot, with the joke being that it was the new Master of Coin. Guess which part is presented to the Small Council?
  • While Gendry is in Winterfell's forge, Shireen brings the Terrible Threesome to meet him - and promptly demonstrates she's got them under control.
  • With Sansa being betrothed to Joffrey off the table, Robert suggests betrothing Arya to Tommen instead. Once Ned tells him that his younger daughter is the second coming of Lyanna, and comparing her to his Kindhearted Cat Lover son, Robert isn't so sure.
    Robert: (dazedly) The poor lad.
  • An off-hand one in Chapter 117. King Robert is preparing to do something with Stormbreaker to prove his children's paternity. All of his children are in the room, watching him do this, including Joffrey. Who is giving the sword what can only be described as a look. This prompts Robert to say "It's just Stormbreaker, Joffrey, it's not going to bloody bite you." Little does Robert know, in Chapter 86, that actually HAPPENED.
  • During supper right before Tyrion comes in to tell him about Jaime's decision, Ned takes the last piece of bread just as Rickon was going to reach for it. When his son looks at him in shock, Ned sticks his tongue at him and tousles his hair, then gives him the bread anyway.
  • In-Universe, Oberyn Martell excuses himself to laugh himself to tears when he hears that the Lannister twins had been caught in the act and arrested in Winterfell.
    • Then, when Pycelle tries to argue that Eddard, Stannis and Ser Barristan may have misinterpreted what might have been innocent horseplay, Oberyn again laughs until he's out of breath, before pointing out how absurd that is.
      Oberyn Martell: Of course, Maester Pycelle. Based on the latest raven from Winterfell they innocently both stripped naked and then she somehow fell onto his erect cock repeatedly. How could that possibly be misinterpreted?
  • One morning at Winterfell, Robert notices the Terrible Threesome eating their food a little too quickly for their health. When Cat leans over to chastise her son, Rickon uses the chance to steal some bread off his mother's plate.
  • Once again, the Old Gods speak through Ned. After they leave, this conversation happens:
    Ned: What just happened?
    Robb: (completely calm) The Old Gods just spoke through you, father.
    Ned: (also calm) Ah. Very well.
  • Robert swears a vow to Ned that he will do nothing to harm Lyanna Stark's son, leaving Ned in a Stunned Silence.
    Robert: Oh, Bloody Hells, Ned, stop doing that "I am Ned Stark, Statue of the North" thing you always do when you're startled.
  • In preparation for the Lannisters' arrival, Mance and Cat managed to shanghai Ygritte into a dress. When she goes to complain to Jon about it, she lets slip that she isn't wearing any smallclothes under it, prompting a red-faced Jon to hastily escort her back to Cat.
  • It's heavily implied that Septa Mordane has done something to greatly annoy Eddard since every time her name is mentioned, Ned flares his nostrils which Sansa says is never a good thing.
  • When word reaches the Tyrells of Jamie and Cersei's incest and Robert now being single, they are naturally stunned. Of course, Olenna has to respond first by noting that if Mace was still alive, he'd be pushing Margery into Robert's arms. "How the Old Lion must be raging!"
  • In response to Kevan's shock at him being alive, Gerion bets him a silver stag that Tywin's first reaction will be a simple statement of “You’re alive” and then to ask him if he found Brightroar. He wins that bet.
  • After Tywin wonderfully summarizes the entire story so far in one long-winded speech... he can only sit and laugh at the fact that of all his children, Tyrion turned out to be the most noble and brave of the bunch.
  • While we don't see it, Tywin mentioning that he backhanded Joffrey allows us to imagine it.
  • Just the fact that Cersei is unable to get out one word to her father while Tywin verbally tears her apart for her actions.
    • Some Black Comedy bits in the speech include Tywin snapping on how, somewhere in the various Hells, Aerys Targaryen is looking up and laughing at him.
    • Tywin states that Joffrey will take to the Wall until he dies and that considering his character and skills "I doubt the period between those two things will be very long."

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