Funny / Rescue Me

• Lou walks in on Garrity and Siletti with Garrity's fly unzipped and white powder all over the front of his pants. "Is that cocaine?" "No!" "Good. 'Cause if it is, you're doing it wrong."
• The entirety of the 'Ex-Girlfriend Rule'.
  • You cannot bang a guys' ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, sister, or half sister, without his explicit - crystal clear - permission.
  • You can, however, mack on the ex-girlfriend or get some titty-action from the ex-wife, as it comes under the wide, wide umbrella of the 'It Was the Alcohol' Rule.
• "Get out of the truck."
• This exchange:
  Tommy: (on the flowers being sent to his daughters' hospital room) Another one!?
  Nurse: Yep. This is the fourth. They're getting bigger.
  Tommy: Any candy this time?
  Nurse: Sent it to the cancer kids.
• The cockring incident. Lou cuts it off with a power grinder, which throws sparks
  Lou: Franco, ya need to hold still!
• This exchange between Tommy and Sheila:
  Sheila: "This is butterscotch pudding I made today. I was gonna let you lick it off my tits, BUT YOU BLEW IT!!!"
  Tommy: "Yeah, well...you shoulda mentioned the pudding first!"
• Having added Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene to the list of "ghosts" that he talks to (though they’re both much more implied to be figments of his imagination than the rest), Tommy dreams that he is having loud sex with Mary when Jesus walks in on them. Jesus is not happy. Jesus has a shotgun. Can you say Crosses the Line Twice?
• After scamming his way onto the Staten Island crew's barbershop quartet as a means of getting to Ohio to find his kids, Tommy takes the time to give them a Rousing Speech about how they’re the FDNY, the "greatest fire department in history, even at pussy stuff like singing!"
• The Accidental Murder of a cat.
• Franco: Mike, only you could turn sex with a beautiful woman into a gay experience.
• The crew attends sensitivity training.
• Garrity is terrified that Tommy will find out that he is dating his sister Maggie. Franco is telling Garrity things that make him even more nervous. Tommy knows, and is deliberately screwing with him, with Franco's assistance.
• Which later leads to this gem:
  Tommy: What's goin' on?
  Garrity: Maggie and me...we're getting divorced.
  Tommy: (shrugs) You were warned.
• Michael Gavin's birthday party. Nobody seems to be able to complete a sentence without saying "chink." In a Chinese restaurant. Every use of the racial epithet is followed up by a "Sorry, not you, the food!" to the wait staff. It's a miracle the food doesn't come out tasting like rat poison.
• Teddy and Ellie's conjugal visit keeps getting interrupted.
• How Tommy reacts to Lou's new girlfriend, both Punctuated! For! Emphasis! and Suddenly Shouting: "Okay, I really only have one rule, and that rule is no sex! With nuns! IN THE PLACE!! WHERE I LIVE!!!"
  • Tommy then lays down, declaring that Lou has burned a hole through his soul.
• Sean and Maggie meet with a priest to plan their wedding. After less than three minutes in a room with Maggie, the priest says, "I assisted with an exorcism in a small village outside Nairobi in 1978. Or did we meet somewhere else?"
• Tommy and Janet see a marriage counselor, who, upon hearing their story (which includes everything; even the rape is not glossed over), immediately picks up the phone to call a colleague to congratulate him on his prank. Upon realizing that it’s not a prank, he awkwardly tells them that he definitely doesn’t have the time that they need.
• Franco: Don’t get me wrong, Chief, I love the American Flag, but I’m used to salutin' it, not jerkin' off to it.
• After Tommy's dates with Feinberg's daughter go badly, we get this gem:
  Needles: Sid, you can’t set her up with Jack the Ripper and then cry foul when she comes back without a head!
  Tommy: Hey!
  Needles: Shut up, asshole. I’m defending you.
• Black Shawn's mortal terror at telling Tommy that he’s dating Colleen.
  • Black Shawn's mortal terror at telling Tommy anything regarding Colleen.
• Tommy’s dream about Colleen in labor.
• The "unorthodox" chiropractor.
• Mike paints the bar black, the lights fail, Hilarity Ensues.
• Lou’s sex pitch to Geneviéve.
• Janet and Tommy's awkward dinner with other parents from Katy's prep school.
• Lou describing sex with Geneviéve to Franco.
• Having been constipated for days, Garrity disappears during a fire. The crew frantically search for him, as the build is about to collapse...and find him in an upstairs bathroom taking a dump.
• After catching Tommy in the midst of another of his ghost conversations at the bar, this one involving a shotgun, Lou assures Tommy that he'll tell the others that Tommy saw "rats the size of Michael Moore." He then tells him about how Geneviéve hooked up with him for revenge sex.
• Needles and Lou try to convince Franco to try competitive boxing. Lou brags about his experience coaching "Joltin' Joel," only for Tommy to interrupt that "Joltin' Joel" has been "Slow Joel" ever since.
• Tommy turning a hose on Black Shawn for supposedly calling Colleen a whore.
• Tommy misses a response because he’s outside the station having sex with Janet in her car. Needles and Franco catch them in the act. Needles’s reaction is gold.

Needles: I’m just basking in this moment! This glorious moment! Because for the next ten years, I got you by the balls!

• The cable repair guy.
• The crew at Garrity's bedside following his kidney surgery.
  • Followed by the crew noticing a hot nurse in the hallway, and Mike picking her up.
    Franco: I've taught him too much. And now I must destroy him.
    Lou: I'll help.
    Tommy: Yeah, me too.
• Tommy getting stuck with all of the probie's cleaning duties.
• All things relating to Needles's Russian mail-order bride.
• Franco: Jesus Christ, I’m bangin' a gay chick!
• Garrity obliviously walks into a stare-down between Janet and Sheila, and admires Janet's new iPhone.
  Garrity: Wow, nice! Uh, what’s a cunth?
• Kelly's introduction, including the knee she swings into Tommy's balls.
• The viewing of and running commentary on Kim Kardashian’s sex tape.
• Needles declares that Franco's opponent for the "battle of the sexes" bout must be the "Meanest, ugliest, fattest, dykiest lesbo out there!" Lou replies, "Hillary Clinton would never do this!"
• Kelly comes to the station, looking for Franco, Black Shawn, Siletti, and Damien, but not Tommy.
• Sean's discolored dick.
• Franco's fight.
  • This dialogue
  Franco: Are you sure that’s a woman?
  Needles: Compared to her, I think I might be a woman!
  • A brawl breaks out amongst the crowd. Tommy, Mike, and Chief Feinberg immediately sneak out amidst the violence.
  • Seeing the brawl, Franco and his opponent stop their fight. Franco declares that he's done with boxing because "it brings out the worst in people." She responds that she's "done with this lesbo thing, for the same reason." Franco reflexively asks her out, the after a Beat walks it back with, "Nah, you're right. Never mind."
• The standoff with the "Westside Wildmen" of Ladder 74 over a heroin OD patient.
• As Black Shawn gets into a scuffle with Sean and Mike in the back seat, Lou grumbles like an irritated father, complete with an "I will turn this truck around!" and declares that they won’t be stopping for ice cream. Then he complains that they won’t be stopping for ice cream.
• Lou’s nutritionist turns the crew's Brutal Honesty back on them.
• After rescuing the Virgin Mary statue from Father Phil's parish, one of the "Westside Wildmen" from Ladder 74 makes an off-color joke about it. Tommy, a self-described "lapsed Catholic," knocks him on his ass with one punch, snarling, "That's the Virgin Mother, asshole!"
• While plotting to get Lou out of the hospital, Black Shawn complains about Franco being picked to pose as a doctor instead of him. Tommy and Needles declare that Franco is the go-to guy based on his ability to "talk white," complete with a demonstration from Franco.
• This:

Lou: Hey, is that Balls-Out Mahoney? What are ya in for?

Pat Mahoney: Cancer. You?

Lou: Heart attack.

Pat Mahoney: Lucky man.

• The whole list of reasons why Ladder 62 got the budget axe.
• Grease

Sheila: Ooh, I love Grease! It’s like, my favoritest movie!

Father Phil: [Enthusiastically] Everybody loves Grease.

Mick: [Deadpan] I hate Grease.

• Niels's car.
• Upon reopening the station, the crew's first priority is securing the porn stash.
• Damien asks Franco and Black Shawn for advice. Franco replies, "About pussy?" When Damien asks how he knew, Franco declares, "'Cause if you're askin' me, it damn sure ain't about quantum mechanics!"
• Damien losing his virginity to Penny.
• Mike's assertion that Jersey Shore is racist, on the grounds that it makes Italians look like a bunch of idiots with perfectly-chiseled abs and gay haircuts. When the whole crew stares at him, Mike protests that he doesn't have a gay haircut.
• After finding Colleen passed out drunk in their bar, Tommy warns Teddy and Mick that he will deal with them in a manner that’s "just and fitting." Five minutes later, he comes back with a shotgun. As they duck for cover, Teddy admits that it is rather fitting.
• Tommy's chance meeting with Kelly in a grocery store, complete with her describing Sheila as "Joe Pesci with tits."
• The crew trades places with Lou to help him cheat the department physical. Especially when Black Shawn wears Lou's uniform shirt, which is obviously five sizes too big. Hi.
  • Sean's mishap in the urine test.
  • And then it goes From Bad to Worse when Siletti takes his place for the psych evaluation.
• Two words: wedding plans.
• During the series finale...
  • Lou - Red velvet cake, huh?
• Right after Damian joins the crew, Garrity has what he thinks is a medical problem, leading to this conversation:
  Damian: Lou, the guys need you upstairs.
  Lou: (*cooking*) Can't it wait? This is a delicate process.
  Damian: It's about...Garrity's dick.
  Lou: Jesus, why didn't you say so?! (*runs upstairs*)