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General

Two Worlds

  • The game's overarching evil energy is called "The Taint."
  • Jared riffing on the ridiculous voice acting. "Warri-YERS! HARRRHD ones!"
  • Jared's reaction to Gandohar saying about another character that "They call him Ho." has to be seen to be believed, the line's hilarious enough on it's own but his reaction to it really sells it.
  • Jared is a little too enthusiastic about the joke where the sword hits sound like bad Kung-Foley where he pretends to stab himself with the dagger. Joke's silly enough, only it's not pretend. As his commentary reveals, he actually ended up ruining his shirt and slashing himself with the dagger, enough to draw blood—this makes it equal parts suffering for one's art and the bladed equivalent of Reckless Gun Usage. It's funny because Jared's first reaction was apparently "That's weird, why am I feeling a breeze?" instead of anything painful.
  • Jared mocks the main character's captain obvious statements.
    Jared: Who does that? Who simply states whatever they're currently feeling out loud?
    (cut to Jared standing in front of his refrigerator with the freezer door open)
    Jared: Cold.
    (cut to Jared running his hands through his sink's water)
    Jared: Wet.
    (cut to Jared reading Maxim)
    Jared: Aroused.

Two Worlds II

  • A Running Gag in his review for Two Worlds II has Jared come up with different names for Cassara based on her rather... pronounced chest. Names like "Underboob", "Nips McHooter", and "Mammary McLovebuttons".
    Jared: Everyone escapes through teleports, and you meet their prophet, Cassara- breeeeeeeeeeeeasts.

Hydlide

  • In his review of the game, he sums up the story as follows: "There's a dragon, and there's a princess. And then the dragon hibdjvbudjdeba, and the princess explodes into fairies!"
  • "Congratulations! My reward is these two frames of animation!"
  • "These trees are trying to kill me. Fuck you, nature."

Alone in the Dark (360)

  • "Oh my God, THERE'S NO WORLD HERE- oh, there we go."

Pocky & Rocky

  • Jared starts his review with a shot of him staring intently at the screen as he plays. He is wordlessly joined by PeanutButterGamer, also staring intently as they play. After a third cut, the silence is abruptly broken when Peeb startles Jared.
    PBG: (after ten seconds of silence) We're playing Pocky and—
    Jared: JESUS! (Smash Cut to Jared's opening song)

Final Fantasy: Mystic Quuest

  • In regards to one of the bosses:
    Jared: Now I've heard of the headless horseman, but the headless horseman and the headless horse? ...how do they know where they're going?

Super Hydlide

  • Jared trying to use the Sega games item in Super Hydlide. What do they do? IT'S A JOOOOKE!

Virtual Hydlide

  • His early reviews start with Jared playing a game, with shots of gameplay, and then saying "I'm playing [X]", with his tone foreshadowing his opinion of the game. In "Virtual Hydlide", he is collapsed back against the bookshelf in horror and only manages to let out a pained groan before the opening.
  • Similar to his review for Hydlide, he gives the same speech about the dragon "hibdjvbudjdeba-ing" and the princess exploding into fairies before coming to the realization that it's a remake of the original Hydlide.
  • "BEEEES!! AAAAHAHAAH!! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod RRAALGHGH... Jim/Portly Guy the Knight, killed by bees."
  • The Dark Sword that takes away...POINTS.
  • You know how Hydlide was accused of being a Zelda ripoff? Virtual Hydlide has a Master Sword.
  • Jared's interpretation of the vampire's last words.
    Vampire: Yes, that's enigmatic. Are you he? You're a pimp! (?)
  • The Freeze-Frame Bonus near the end of the review, showing the scoreholders of the game:

SimAnt

  • His advice for being a breeder ant:
    Jared: Basically, don't play as a breeder ant, it sucks. What's the point if you can't even breed? It doesn't matter if you see a cute lady ant and you're all like "ayyy girl, whassup, d'you wanna fuck?"
  • At the end of the review, Jared reads a section of the game's ant glossary that encourages the player to go outside and observe ants. Jared does just that. And by that, we mean that he goes out and sprays the ground with bug spray and aims a magnifying glass at the ants.
    Jared: DIE, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS, DIIIIIIIIE!!!

King's Knight

  • In his review, Jared can't stop saying how much he hates Toby whenever he brings the character up.
    • One of his recorded video clips of him playing/dying in Toby's stage is named ROT IN HELL TOBY.
  • He complains that the power-ups aren't very indicative of what they're supposed to do. The speed-up boots in particular don't have much effect unless the player collects three of them.
    Jared: They're not speed boots. They're just... normal boots. (goofy grin) Heh.
  • At one point, he dies in the final stage with a full party. It then cuts to him with a sour expression on his face while the game over jingle plays, followed by him wordlessly attaching a Game Genie to the cartridge and then saying "I don't care."
  • His final remarks about the game:
    Jared: We all know the story: Squaresoft was going bankrupt, so they created Final Fantasy as their last effort to be successful in the video game industry. And they were going bankrupt because they kept releasing crap like this. (whimsically tosses game cartridge, which then clatters loudly) Ow, my knee.
    • It's worth mentioning that this last line is said in the most deadpan way possible, which adds extra credit to the already funny part.

Super Bonk

  • Blue Balls. That is all.

Sonic Adventure 2

  • In his review, he's fighting the first boss, when he remembers (after previously praising the opening stage):
    Jared: This game sucks.
    • He notes the sexual tension between Knuckles and Rouge, anxiously asking, "They're gonna bang, right?" after the two split during the Hero's Story. Later on, during the game's credits...
      Rouge: Anyway, I've got something better than jewels that I'm thinking about right now.
      Jared: Yep! They're gonna bang. Enjoy, Rouge! (Jared puts on a poker face as a caption reading "Echidnas have four penises" appears.)

Tamagotchi

  • For his review, he does an experiment where he cares for one of his Tamagotchi normally, overfeeds one of his Tamagotchi, and completely neglects the last one. What does he name the one he neglects? PBG.
    • On top of that, PBG wasn't the first to die!
  • The game briefly glitching out just as PBG dies, changing his name to "PBG um".
  • JumJum, the sole surviving Tamagotchi, ends up evolving into Nyorotchi - one of the worst possible characters that vaguely resembles a wriggling sperm. Then Jared accidentally sends him to space.
    Jared: I shot a sperm into space!
  • Prior to becoming a sperm, JumJum was a white blob with little round hands and feet.
    Jared: Oh. He's a Kirby!
  • In the beauty contest, JumJum makes the same pose he makes when pooping.
    Jared: Oh, that's weird, JumJum! That didn't make you win!
  • Flashing the toilet.

Mega Man X7

  • While reviewing the game, he puts down the game for including old enemies from the first "Mega Man X" game to play on gamers' nostalgia. To illustrate this, he holds up a "Mega Man X" cartridge in front of the CD case for "Mega Man X7" and makes them dance.
    Jared: (sexy voice) Hey there baaaaby! Don't I look SEX-EEE? You wanna come over and plaaay? (Drops the "Mega Man X" cartridge, revealing "Mega Man X7") AAAAGH-I GOTCHA!!!
  • The silly whiny tone of voice and music Jared uses whenever X's Technical Pacifist tendencies comes off as Wangst, particularly given how said tendencies is the in-story justification as to why X is not playable from the start in his own game.
    Jared: And X is all like "MEH VIOLENCE..."
  • His Reaction to X's Legs armor in X7, which gives a slow as hell gliding ability instead of something cool like airdashing or flight.
    Jared: (tosses controller in rage) FUCK IT! If they gave up, so do I!
  • It's rare for an annotation asking to like/subscribe to be funny, but Jared manages well.
  • Jared pointing out how how telegraphed the plot twist is.

Chrono Trigger

Oscar

  • At the beginning of the review, the first line Jared says:
    Jared: WHAT... the f**k?!
  • The fact that he spends the entire review of Oscar lying down on his back, as the experience was so traumatic for him.
  • "It's cool though, guys. I got the CHECKPOINT ELEPHANT". It makes as much sense in context.

Donkey Kong Country Cartoon

High Seas Trader

Ride to Hell: Retribution

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

  • The thumbnail for his review has him grimacing at the camera instead of his usual smile.
  • Pointing out that Hein is obviously the villain. "He wears all black, has evil eyebrows, and is voiced by James Woods...who I'm convinced is actually evil in real life."
  • Near the end, when Aki tries to convince Hein tha the Phantoms aren't really evil and Hein shows his skepticism, Jared flips out.
    Hein: Oh, I see... and what have we been fighting all this tie, doctor. ...Ghosts?
    Jared: (beat) ... No f**king shit!
    Hein: Doctor, even if I believed in such nonsense...
    Jared: (angrily shaking the camera) YOU'VE LITERALLY BEEN CALLING THEM PHANTOMS THE ENTIRE TIIIIIIIIIMMEEE!!!
    Hein: Ghosts?
  • His complete and utter confusion at the ending of the film, summed up with one word.
    Jared: (a look of complete dumbfoundedness on his face) ......WHAT?!?!

Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero

  • Much like his Spirits Within review, the thumbnail for his review for this game has him glare angrily at the camera.
  • "It's familiar gameplay with a new twist and why can't I turn around? Why can't I turn around?! This monk is gonna mess me up, why can't I turn around?!"
  • Jared talks about how much fun he's having on the first level - until he encounters a VERY cheap death.
    Jared: ... And this entire first level, I was kinda enjoying myself! I beat up some monks, climbed around the stage, did combos and s-
    (Sub-Zero gets attacked by a sword-wielding monk, the recoil sends him into a crushing deathtrap)
    Jared: ... THAT'S FINE! (grips the controller harder in anger)
  • "WHERE ARE MY DANK WEEDS?"
  • Sub-Zero after Quan Chi steals the Amulet of Shinnok from him. "...and that makes Sub-Zero SAD." Complete with Sub-Zero slumping and turning away, literally looking sad.
  • Shinnok's speaking debut in a Mortal Kombat game...where he sounds like "your grandpa offering you something from his candy dish."
    • And the alternate version of that scene with Spectre!Scorpion. "I am a dead man, but somehow you have retained your mortality, which would mean you are VULNERABLE to DEATH."
  • Sub-Zero's plan to escape from the Prison of Souls is that...he just does. As in walks through a door which is closed but not locked for some reason. Good plan, Sub-Zero.

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

Kid Klown in Crazy Chase

  • His irritation reviewing "Kidd Klown" when the character lands at the start of the level and hurts himself, taking away a bit of health. "I haven't even done anything yet and I'm already losing."
  • The ending. Fed up with being The Chew Toy Up to Eleven during his multiple playthroughs, he finally decides to invoke Taking You with Me against his viewers — via three words: "sexy clown ass" note . Even better? Judging by the comments, most evidently see it as a Cool and Unusual Punishment instead.

Final Fantasy I

  • In his review of Final Fantasy I he starts describing the plot, then awkwardly admits he has no idea how to work in his usual Running Gag of comparing generic fantasy plots to Final Fantasy's.

Final Fantasy III

  • The birthing scene in his Final Fantasy III review.
  • Jared's praise for the game's dungeon design and lack of grinding ends when his party gets curb-stomped by Zande.
    Jared: I was wrooooonnng.

Dungeons and Dragons

  • Jared's reaction to the Acrobat class being integral to the main character party in the show.
    Jared: Well, we've already got a thief, so maybe you can balance the party out by being a cleric, or maybe a druid, or something like a monk could be cool- Wait! Acrobat! That's the best class!
  • After finishing the intro to the D&D cartoon, we see Jared throw his D&D books in the trash.
    Jared: I'm throwing away my D&D books. Clearly, I don't need them; as the intro to this cartoon has taught me everything I need to know about Dungeons and Dragons.
  • Jared finds the characters' goal of leaving the D&D world to go back to the real world unbelievable.
    Jared: I want to live here... (slowly slides his hand off the D&D handbook)
  • Jared can't tell whether or not Dungeonmaster is the nicest DM ever, or the cruelest DM ever, citing that in the first episode, the protagonists end up against Tiamat within the first two minutes.
    Jared: Tiamat, what?! (falls off of his seat) Aren't they level one?! And three of them suck?!
  • During one of the episodes of the series, Jared notices an upskirt shot of Sheila and in another episode, one of the character's breasts pop out.
    Jared: Did I just see a boob?! That was some straight-up titty-nipple! Between this and Sheila's underwear, and there's definitely a part where Hank got a handful of Diana's butt, I didn't realize that this campaign was gonna be using so much material from the Book of Erotic Fantasy! (beat) Do not look that up.
  • In the closing segment, Jared wonders why the cartoon was considered as the most violent cartoon at the time.
    Jared: I don't really see how this was considered to be the most violent cartoon show on television at the time. Everything that I saw was pretty tame and- OH MY GOD! HIS FACE IS MELTING OFF! (cue Hank's face slowly melting off)

Final Fantasy IV

Top Tens

  • Jared's thoughts on Day One: Garry's Incident in his Top 10 Worst Games of 2013
    Jared: (to the tune of "I Know a Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves) Day One Garry's Incident is really really bad. Day One Garry's Incident is really really bad. Day One: Garry's Incident is really really bad. And I want to kill myself.
  • From his "Top 5 Games of 2015", he praises Final Fantasy XIV as the game he had the most enjoyment with that year, putting it at Number 1. Before quickly saying that he lied and that it's Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate. It's much like his One Minute Review of Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate, except only about 10 seconds long..
  • In "Top Ten WORST Things Final Fantasy Has Done", the number 3 spot (King's Knight being integrated into the Final Fantasy XV universe) takes the cake.
    • The end of the video is pretty heartwarming but then quickly switches to more desperate Tactics begging.

One-Minute and Extended Thoughts Reviews

  • At the start of his Extended Thoughts video for Aliens: Colonial Marines, Jared holds up the game's case and then flings it to the side without a word.
  • His One Minute Review of SimCity, all seventeen seconds of it.
    Jared: (trying to log in) Work... Dammit! Work... Dammit! Work... Dammit! (game load glitches) Ah, what the hell?! (resumes logging in) Work... Dammit! Work... Dammit! Work... Dammit!" (finally logs in) Ah, there we go. (game fails to load) F*** it, I'm going to bed.
  • His one minute review of Sonic Boom which has him wearily singing the Sonic SatAM theme.
    Jared: (Slurred and over footage of Sonic's jog-like speed and the game's many many glitches.) "Blue streak, speeds by. Sonic the Hedgehog. Too fast, for the naked eye. Ssssssssonic the Hedgehog. Sanic, he can really move. Sanic, he's got an attitude. Dankey Kang, he's the fastest thing alive. He's the fastest thing Ali-ahveugh. He's the fastest thing, alighiavehhave! It has bounce pads. 2/10!
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    D&December 
  • The entirety of the "Ballista Bat" story: what happens when a gung-ho 'roided up fighter meets a large siege weapon? Well...
  • "We were fighting the Predator!"
  • In "Encounter Building 101" he warns that the figures he's using to set up his map aren't the right ones (for instance, only about half his kobolds are actual kobolds) and asks for some suspension of disbelief. Until the final encounter where his Big Bad is randomly defended by a Zinogre. He later attempts to make the Zinogre fig eat the adventurers, complete with "om nom nom" sounds.
  • The "Coup De Grace" story, where Jared shares one of his most embarrassing deaths: being killed by a fake warthog after falling asleep.
  • What do you get when a normally bad dice-roller gets a natural 20 on a bold-faced and utterly ridiculous bluff check? You get a recurring NPC named Commander Boogerface, that's what.

    Conventions and Assorted Videos 
Magfest 12 - These Guys Are Sick
  • You'll never take my octopus powers, Megaman!
    • You'll never take my seal powers, Megaman!

    Pro Jared Plays 
  • In Resident Evil 7 his shotgun is called "Diplomacy" and is loaded with "aggressive conversations"
    • Also his desire to kill grandma is funny
    • The fact that his aim sucks, to the point that he misses three times at point blank range at one point.
    • Jared has a "Mighty Thrust!"
    • At one point he sees Eveline and says
      Jared: Hey little girl, let me come help you. Just a second (loads gun), okay let me come help.
  • Five Nights at Freddy's:
    Jared: This man has been talking for two hours.
  • He plays "Mighty No. 9" for all of two episodes, trying to give it a fair shake and not dogpile on it like other reviewers. The game is so glitchy it starts bugging up his video game capture and he (originally) had to end the Let's Play then and there.
    • In Episode 3, at one point he gets stuck on a stalemate with a Sniper Joe-like enemy who refuses to shoot him even when he's right in front of him.
      • While dealing with wind currents, Jared questions when was the last time a stage with pushing winds was any fun. He then immediately answers his own question with Shovel Knight. Particularly amusing since Shovel Knight is the archetypical example of the right way to make a Kickstarter-funded game.
      • Also, there's the part where he uses the dash mechanic underwater to just dash past all the obstacles on the ground floor.
      • When he first uses the DLC power he got (a cube that levitates by itself and shoots with a thoroughly underwhelming sound), he says "this is a DLC power attack that I got. It's about as exciting as you can see here."
      • One of the bosses he faces has ice powers, and makes several terrible ice puns. Jared accidentally makes an ice pun of his own, then immediately cringes when he realizes it.
        Jared: I hate that that just happened.
    • Episode 4 has him dying so much on Mighty No. 4's stage, causing him to make some hilarious expressions as it happens.
    • Episode 5 has him playing as Call. The thumbnail and title (Oh God No) alone should be enough to tell you where this is going.
    • In the finale, he starts explaining the game isn't really as bad as people say it is, and that the worst it is is okay... He's then interrupted by Mega Ran's rap, and has an annoyed, disgusted look on his face.
    • He's also incredibly offended that the game ends with just showing some random concept art before the credits. "Those three images cost four million dollars."
    • One tiny thing in general is his utter "meh" version of "bang" he utters sometimes when he's shooting or using a power that shoots.
  • In his recent playthrough of "Yu-Gi-Oh! Legacy of the Duelist", he tries to capture the "feel" of the original show - which equals terrible puns (almost "ghost of a chance" level worthy) and reminding everyone to believe in the "Heart of the Cards"
    • His voiceover for characters also leads to hilarious situations, especially when he says something that anime character certainly doesn't (like Joey calling Mai out).
  • Zelda: Link to the Past Randomized (a hack where every treasure location is scrambled before the game starts): In Part 2, Jared buys the Bottle from the salesman in Kakariko Village... which is changed to 100 rupees. The Bottle costs 100 rupees. His head drops.
    • Jared slowly grows more and more disgusted with how many rupees he's getting.
    • The looks of hopelessness, as he gets deeper into the game and continues to find rupees, arrows and bombs in every chest and hiding place is both hilarious and sad.
    • Any time Jared opens a chest in a dungeon in hopes to get a new item, only to get a compass.
      • It gets to the point that anytime a red rupee appears, he edits in an image of a 20 dollar bill on top of the rupee. Likewise, whenever he gets 10 arrows, an MLG airhorn plays.
    • Since the ROM is in Japanese, he replaces most of the dialogue post recording with jokes.
  • Any time in the Legend of Zelda Randomizer when the randomization messes with his expectations. For instance:
    • Walking into what is normally the first dungeon and discovering it to be a random "pay me for the door repair charge" cave.
    • Spending the better part of an hour trying to beat Gleeok in dungeon 3, only for it to drop the almost-useless map instead of the Triforce piece.
    • Finally defeating Ganon and celebrating his victory only to belatedly realize that he still has to actually find Zelda.
    • Another moment that nearly gives him an aneurysm is when he finds the hint telling you to talk to the old man (who possesses the Magical Sword) at the grave. Where does he find this hint? The grave where the old man used to be.
      (drops controller after reading hint)
      Jared: You ARE the old man!
  • In part 1 of his Final Fantasy I playthrough, as Jared explains about the game's various classes, he says that due to a bug, the Thief class, which normally excels at fleeing from battles, has no special abilities whatsoever compared to the other classes. Jared decides for this very reason that the Thief will be based off of himself.
    • While training at the 'Peninsula of Power', Jared encounters a Tyrannosaurus rex. He states that it's literally too much for him to beat... while attempting to beat it anyway.
      Jared: What am I doing? (beat) I want to kill a dinosaur, that's what. (Joof uses an ICE spell) Hit him with the Ice Age, Joof!
    • While fighting Astos:
      (Astos uses the RUB spell on Peeb for instant death)
      (beat)
      Jared: (high-pitched scream)
    • His various video thumbnails beg comparisons to 8-Bit Theater while also being hilarious—for instance, video #17, "Insta-Death" has Peeb and Joof (Fighter and Black Mage respectively) fleeing for their lives in a panic from an Evil Eye.
  • Part 1 of his Super Mario RPG playthrough is done in a Stylistic Suck style complete with a lengthy introduction, recording the gameplay with a camera, and using an emulator without fullscreening the gameplay.
    • A Freeze-Frame Bonus also reveals what else Jared has on his emulator. It's Hentai.
    • He makes liberal use of the emulator's fast-forwarding feature, using it first to skip all of the dialogue (which is half the point of playing an RPG in the first place, let alone one that's meant to be largely comedic) and then using it while trying to button-mash his way through combat without paying any attention to his HP. When he gets a Game Over and returns to the title screen, he concludes that the game must have glitched out.
  • Jared taking on Mario in Mario Go Fish...as a drinking game. His slow descent into drunken madness is worth every second of his quite visible pain. Especially each point where Mario decides to sweep him of his cards seemingly out of nowhere.
  • Jared plays the new Bubsy game where he notices that Bubsy isn't as talkative as he used to be...so he goes to the menu and find out that the base setting for Bubsy's audio is set to 50% (meaning he only gives a one-liner every so often). He then maxes out the setting, what's 100% called? Bubsy.
    Jared: ...hit me with the Bubsy
    (precisely one one-liner later)
    Jared: (dramatic zoom in to Jared's face) I've made a huge mistake.
  • In part one of Doki Doki Literature Club!, Jared manages to steal the game's jokes a surprisingly large number of times, from Natsuki's stock Tsundere "b-baka" lines to the quip about the school having a napping club. Culminating in the point where he gets to the CG in which the player tries to button up Sayori's blazer, remarking that her "boobles" have gotten too big for it, only to throw his hands up and laugh when Sayori says the same thing.
    • "Is this a porn game? They keep bringing up boobs. Am I going to see any?"
    • By the finale, Jared hasn't made a joke in quite a while after the game's turn towards metafictional horror... until Yuri's psychotic love confession, of all places. The sheer Mood Whiplash after two or three hours of grim seriousness makes the small joke go from silly to hilarious.
      Yuri: I love you so much that I even touch myself with the pen I stole from you.
      Jared: .............. Nice.
      Yuri: I just want to pull your skin open and crawl inside of you.
      Jared: And you always make it immediately weird!
  • From his Detroit: Become Human playthrough: "Take The Shot".
  • On the tail-end of his playthrough of House Flipper, Jared's about to end his job while taking the bare minimum payment when his in-game character starts moving his hand up and down while holding something cylindrical. Jared then starts going on a frenzy all around the house while Ms. Editor watches on in horror.
  • His constant belittling of Nolan, one of his first and hard-workingnote  employees, in his Game Dev Tycoon play-through. The jokes at Nolan's expense ultimately culminate into Jared firing him at the end of the final episode, before turning to the camera with a deranged smile. Ms. Editor is in utter shock by this turn of events, rewinding time so the video can end just before Nolan's final moments.
    Jared: Thanks for the forty years of dedicated work!
  • Four episodes into his Zelda II: The Adventure of Link Randomizer let's play and Jared has yet to complete a single castle due to needing the Handy Glove item to progress. So you can imagine his utter happiness when he does finally stumble upon it...
    Jared: Oh, this is the cave that normally has... magic. Instead, it's the GLOVE! (laughs like a feral monkey)
  • Jared's playthrough of "The earth is a better person than me" gets hilarious when the game turns into tree erotica, and Jared, Miss Editor and likely the audience are all baffled of what Jared is playing/reading. And naturally, the comment section wants a whole series of Jared reading strange erotic stories.
  • Jared's playthrough of the "Link to the Past/Super Metroid Randomizer" starts off with him getting little of use in the Super Metroid half of the game, so he heads over to Link to the Past to start exploring. The first chest available is the one in Link's house...
    Jared: Okay, so... my house, one treasure. (opens chest) 10 arrow-

    Nuzlocke Series 
Fire Red
  • The shorts cult.
    • When a member of the cult kills Beatrice:
      Jared: I should've worn shorts!

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