"Well, I'm going to spend some time with my scrotum. We may as well enjoy our last couple of hours together."
"IMPROPER USE OF INVERTED COMMAS, HOOVER! IMPROPER USE OF INVERTED COMMAS!"
"Like if I was to call you an illiterate fucking cum-sodden dickrag, you would write — HERR STARR COMMA WITH HIS USUAL SEARING INSIGHT COMMA TODAY REFERRED TO ME AS OPEN QUOTES AN ILLITERATE FUCKING CUM HYPHEN SODDEN DICKRAG CLOSE QUOTES PERIOD!" - Herr Starr explaining to Hoover the proper use of inverted commas by shooting his report with a submachine gun.
"You turned me into a Homosexual, you unbelievable prick!"
Later, (after forcing his usual prostitute to wear a strap-on) "I FEEL GREAT!"
"Gaze upon the face of war!"note Said while showing the Council of the Grail the implanted catheter that has replaced his amputated genitals.
"Can you really see any of these people calling the police? 'It was terrible, officer. There I was, jamming a syringe full of heroin into my eyeball while fellating a billygoat, when these men burst in and started shooting people. Aren't we even safe at our own orgies anymore?'"
"Featherstone, could you see yourself kneeling behind me with a sawfish and thrusting it into my rectum yelling 'WHO'S THE MAN, WHO'S THE MAN'? Because that's currently the only way I can achieve even a glimmer of sexual satisfaction."
"General, I don't care if you like me, loathe me, or masturbate screaming my name."
And then there's Starr's summary of Proud Americans for the benefit of Featherstone:
Starr: Oh, well let me see: We had an angel, a whore, a eunuch, several dozen idiots, an unkillable mick, a one-man holocaust in a duster coat, the occasional twenty-course banquet for the mother of all fat fuckers, inbreeding, family feuds, bulimia, a retarded child - always good for a laugh - and the utter destruction of our most sacred shrine and secret retreat in the detonation of a fifty-ton bomb.
"Bob Glover. Freddy Allen. Sexual Investigators!"
To be more specific, what they do to Starr: "There's no use strugglin', lad! You're gettin' it up the choccy starfish!"
After Jesse catches a punch thrown by a vampire, and tells him to hit the bricks. "Oh... and can one of you drive me to the hospital? I think I just broke every bone in my hand."
Jake O'Hare and friends, surprise (not least to themselves) equal ops feminists.
Cassidy, after he becomes a vampire, tries to feed on a sheep and lands just behind it in a suggestive position by complete accident just as the armed farmer who owns the sheep shows up.
"I— I can explain." (Gunshot)
(Cut back to Cassidy telling the story to a laughing Jesse.)
Cassidy: "An' if you thought that was funny, you shoulda seen his expression when I stood up an' ran away."
In the "Blood and Whiskey" one-shot Cassidy meets Eccarius, a Purple Prose -spouting vampire posuer. Eccarius is so self-obsessed that much of what he says falls into this, mostly because it makes him sound massively gay:
Eccarius: Come. We must away. This is no place for the likes of us. We are expected at a gathering beneath the streets, and we must hasten, and go down.
Cassidy(interrupted while trying to pick up a barmaid for a date): er...
Eccarius: There our familiars await us(les Enfants du Sang, Eccarius' human groupies}, far away from prying eyes. There we may commit the dark and secret acts that our kind long for, safe from hindrance and persecution. COME, my friend! The night awaits!
Cassidy(to the barmaid): It's... it's not what yeh think.
Eccarius: The morning sun brought agonizing fire and I slipped beneath the water my assailant had emerged from, and nevermore saw that killing yellow eye. No, nor did I meet the other again, who set me free from life: and trapped me in the night forever.
Cassidy: SHOW YOUR TITS! SHOW YOUR TITS!
Eccarius: Come. We are already late. A solemn underworld awaits our pleasure.
Cassidy: TWENTY BUCKS IF YEH RUB HAAGEN-DAZS ALL OVER THEM!
The Sexual Investigators' try to take down Cassidy. Cassidy punches one of them so hard that his fist gets stuck in the guy's mouth, knocking out all of the guy's teeth. Meanwhile, Bob is trying to anally rape Cass, so Cass throws him out a window with his pants down around his knees. Bob lands on top of a car and is knocked unconscious. He wakes up just in time for a Car Chase, which just cranks it up to gigglingly absurd. He ends up out cold with his pants still down, hanging from the branch (Or is it crotch?) of a tree.
As you read, remember that this is being delivered completely deadpan in the book: "Things proceeded on, as they normally do, until the day that T.C. fucked the chicken."
"I shall be... ARSEFACE!"
A rare comic book version of an Overly Long Gag. One entire page contains nine identical panels of Herr Starr looking at himself in the mirror, staring at his brand new scar that makes his bald head look like a penis. In the last one, he says "Shit".
Jesse, Cassidy, and Tulip have all bought cassettes for the long drive to New Orleans. Jesse and Tulip don't like Cassidy's (the Clash), so they put in Jesse's (Elvis Presley). Jesse and Tulip are pleased, but not Cassidy, so they put in Tulip's. Cue a preacher with the power of God's voice and a ninety-year-old vampire looking on in stark horror as Tulip sings along to gangsta rap.
Cassidy: Well why can't we just take turns?
Tulip: Because we loathe each other's taste in music, that's why...
Jesse: Or it scares the hell out of us. (Eventually they just start singing along to Irene Cara's "What a Feeling")
Overlapping with a Heartwarming Moment, we have Li'l Tulip's "revolver incident" while learning to shoot with her dad. Also, Daddy O'Hare's... singular views about school violence.
Mr. O'Hare: Well Mrs. Carlyle, the Wright boy ambushed my little way on her way home from school on Monday. Took all her comic books and candy she only just bought. There was him and four of his damn gang, ma'am— Pardon my french. What else was she s'posed to do, 'cept wait him out and crack his skull when his back was turned?
Mrs. Carlyle: All the same, Mr. O'Hare, I simply cannot let Tulip off with this. You must understand—
Mr. O'Hare: Well hell, can't you at least get her onto that damn team now? I mean how about that swing, huh? Pardon my french, ma'am.
"Well, dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians."
When confronting inbred racist rednecks:
Jesse: "Why is it the greatest champions of the white race always turn out to be the worst examples of it? YOU!
Jesse: "Where the fuck is your CHIN?!"
Herr Star's custom-made toilet paper. Nothing illustrates Starr's decent into madness better than wiping his ass with the faces of his enemies while yelling: "How do you like it? HOW DO YOU FUCKING WELL LIKE IT?! BASTARDS!!".
Cassidy's reckless, if courageous, assaults on the Saint to try to rescue his friends. When a threat and a punch yield a bruised hand and a bullet to the gut, he loses no resolve and commandeers a truck for a head-on collision..."Hey you! Yer Mah's a hooer!"
Starr explaining (over and over with escalating volume) to an old lady who has been obliviously holding him up in the airport till breaking point, that this is a walk-way and not a FUCKING stand-way! she made up for the lost time; Olympic speed!
Cassidy, waking up after a massive bender and realising that he declared his love for a conflicted Tulip the night before:
Cassidy: Jaysis, what was I fuckin' drinkin' last night? What was I- Oh my God I'm a wanker! I'm a WANKER! I'M THE BIGGEST WANKER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!
The saga of Johnny Lee Wombat:
Johnny makes it sound like his lifelong dream of joining NASA was denied because of his poor education or other factors. It's not until he forges orders and is shown in a lineup that the reader realizes why he was passed over: he's barely five feet tall and the sight of this shrimp alongside strong and bold pilots is hysterical.
The fact Johnny honestly seems surprised it took less than twenty-four hours for them to figure out his ruse to kick him out.
The man spends years in the desert setting off massive explosives all so he can spell out a giant "FUCK YOU" that can be seen from space. And his utter joy when some passing astronauts spot it and wonder what they're looking at.
The title of the chapter where the Klan is brought in: Ku Klux Kretins.
Klansmen light a cross in front of the sheriff's office. Jesse pisses it out.
Early in the series, Jesse goes with Tulip to talk with a local crime boss named Macavoy about the money she owes him and the hit she (failed) to perform. When it's clear that he's not interested in negotiating, Jesse decides to just cut to the chase, which results in a rare situation of a minor villain getting a hero-worthy counter-snark.
Jesse: (in response to why would the crime boss want to give Tulip a little more time) 'Cause otherwise you'll be in a world of hurt for the rest've your miserable fuckin' life.
Macavoy: (wholly unimpressed) An' here I am thinkin' I got my three boys to just you an' the lady, rever'nd. Comes as a shock that you had us outgunned all along.
Jesse, driving across the country to New York City, comes across two hitchhikers who just happen to be...Freddy Allen, Bob Glover: Sexual Investigators. Neither party recognizes the other, so Jesse gives the two a ride with no problem. But during the trip, Bob tells Jesse his life story, and in the midst of it cuts a fart so stank and harsh Jesse and Freddy stick their heads out their respective windows to escape it.
After fighting each other, then attempting to escape from the Grail's forces at Masada, Jesse grabs Herr Starr's briefcase and rummages through it. He comes across a beaded dildo Starr uses in his depraved extracurricular pastime. Jesse initially doesn't recognize it, but when he does, is so squicked out it buys Starr time to escape.
At the destruction of Masada, Herr Starr has just dumped Allfather D'Aronique out of a helicopter. Standing underneath is Marseille, Starr's adjunct, who has kidnapped the retarded descendant of Jesus as a bargaining chip to escape. As the shadow of the colossally fat D'Aronique looms closer, the "Messiah: gives one last "Humperdido!" before turning to tell Marseille: "Today thou will be with me in paradise". Marseille, right before they're both squashed, merely deadpans, "great".
Col. Holden, commander of the detachment Herr Starr commandeers at Monument Valley, scores a couple of nice zingers at the Grail leader's expense. Upon their first meeting, Holden says: "Can you send down to the motor pool for a tire iron? I'm gonna need it to pry my foot outta this kraut's ass." And later, after the situation has gone critical and Holden commences to make good on his earlier promise to Starr, he knocks off Starr's hat and is treated to the sight of the Allfather's unique skull disfigurement:
"Well what do you know: a dickhead in name and nature!"
Jesse and Cassidy are discussing the culinary merits of different kinds of gravy. Cassidy expresses his distaste for one type, stating "it tastes like fucking semen!", which garners weird looks from Jesse and Tulip. Cassidy follows that statement up with "Er.. or so I'd imagine..." This doubles as Harsher in Hindsight, as we see an instance in Cassidy's dark past that suggests he'd be quite familiar with that taste...