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Funny / Planescape: Torment

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WARNING: Unmarked spoilers ahead!

  • Morte. About half the time he opens his jaw.
    Morte: Women are the reason I became a monk. And, uh, the reason I switched back.
    • His taunts are funny enough that you sometimes don't care how repetitive they can get. "You're a perfectly good waste of arms and legs" and, "You've got a face only a sledgehammer could love...and *has*" are prime examples.
      Hive Dweller: Oh, look! A floating skull!
      Morte: Oh, look! A talking turd!
    • The entire scene where Morte first equips Ingress' Teeth. You have to see it to believe it.note 
    • In the description of Morte's primary weapon, his own teeth, it will say "Proficiency: 'Fists' (Don't ask.)"
    • An obviously high class female sensate in front of the Civic Festhall will particularly cruelly trash both the protagonist and his allies. Now unless you want to actually kill her, there is nothing the player can do to really get back at her.. unless they have Morte. Give him the green light and you'll get what can only be described as one of the most crushing "The Reason You Suck" Speeches ever given to a non-hero or villain. It's obvious from her reactions that he nails it.
      Morte: Hey, you! That's right, you there, you saucy little tart... look at me when I talk to you! What's got you so bitter, hmm?
      [The woman, caught off guard, didn't reply. She only stared at the floating skull that suddenly popped out to dance around her and jeer.]
      Morte: Aw, does the little Desert Princess have her britches in a bunch because the Sultan wanted another son? Tell me, 'Desert Princess,' do you spend most of your nights drunken and belligerent, followed about by a handful of leering sycophants, looking in your own pathetic way to justify your existence to a disapproving father?
      Woman: What... who... how dare- [she sputtered, the blood draining from her face.]
      [The two men flanking her glanced at each other and turned pale.]
      Morte: Do you really think your petty brawling will finally make you feel better about yourself? Feel like you're worth something? Because IT WON'T! If this is your sad little path to feeling better about who you are, I suggest you just give up, go home, and marry off into some courtier's harem!
      Woman: I... I...
    • When the protagonist talks to Ravel Puzzlewell:
      Ravel Puzzlewell: Life swallowed you and spit you out!
      Morte: It swallowed him, but I don't know if he came out of THAT end!
  • Nordom, due to being The Comically Serious and a bit of a Cloudcuckoolander, brings a lot of entertaining moments.
    • When asked to tell a story to Yves, Nordom will tell a story of how some of the Modrons once fixed something and went "home". That's it.
      Nordom: In the 13.7 Revolution, we were required to fix gear and cog subset 31 in the fifth ring of Mechanus. We removed the obstruction and the gear turned as per its normal speed. Upon completing our task, we were then returned to the Source.
      Morte: What in the Hells was that, you stupid polygon?! That's the most boring story I ever heard!
      Nordom: It was what took place. With embellishments, of course.
      Morte: Embellishments?
      Nordom: I thought the return to Source was a particularly fitting image to close the tale.
    • Nordom banter:
      Nordom: Attention, Fall-from-Grace. I wish to address your body.
      Fall-from-Grace: Pardon me?
      Nordom: Your body. Your form. Your reason for selecting it. Why?
      Fall-from-Grace: Why... I suppose I find it comforting. Besides, I rather like the wings.
      Nordom: It would be more practical for you to assume the form of a modron. It is 13.27% more efficient. Give or take +5.2%.
      Fall-from-Grace: Why, Nordom, are you trying to court me?
      Nordom: It was not my intention to initiate legal action against you.
    • And some more:
      Nordom: Annah, does your tail assist you in maintaining your balance?
      Annah: No, it's fer scratchin' me back, yeh soddin' box!
      Nordom: Yes... that is quite logical.
      Annah: *sigh*
    • At one point, Nodrom asks Morte how he stays afloat, to which the latter responds with "flatulence". Nodrom buys it.
  • Vrischika describing the Sword of Wh'ynn:note 
    Vrischika: It's also known as the Cheater's Blade. Merely holding it aloft will win you the game.
    Nameless One: Win me the... what do you mean?
    Vrischika: [Narrowing her eyes] Oh come now, you know exactly what I mean. Buy the Cheater's Blade, you beat the game. It's that simple...
  • The Brothel Of Slaking Intellectual Lusts, which is a brothel where there is no sex, just discussions and playing games.
    • Luis, the armoire in said brothel. Who is most certainly not there for any prurient reasons, no sirree.
  • Just before going to the Very Definitely Final Dungeon, you have to write a regret on a piece of your skin. You can regret that your friends have come to suffer, or regret that there WASN'T enough suffering, you can regret that you have no regrets to write on the skin... or alternatively, you can go for something else - I regret that I wandered all over the Planes when the damn portal was right here when I FIRST woke up.
  • Morte's line if you try to give him a weapon.
  • The Nameless One playing with the Modron Cube like a little kid.
    Nameless One: Move the arms and make sword-fighting noises.
    The toy *clicks* and *whirrs* as your move its clockwork joints. Within moments, the tiny cube has vanquished every imaginary opponent you have sent against it, and settled back to its normal position.
    Nameless One: Wave its arms and make cheering noises.
    Hordes of imaginary creatures from across the Planes cheer the cube's victory. You can almost see a tiny oily tear brimming on one of its eyes... it is a hero, the greatest cube to ever roam the Planes and everyone loves it. In your mind, Fall-From-Grace and Annah hug it and shower it with kisses.
    • Do this enough and your alignment shifts towards Chaotic, because you're being that silly.
    • Even better is that Morte gets jealous and wants to play too, leading to some taunting.
  • You can let Marta conduct an autopsy on you. You're still conscious (for a while) and there's no anaesthesia. The game describes in disturbing detail the procedure before The Nameless one finally passes out.
    • Part of what makes it funny is Morte lampshading how stupid it is to let some strange woman dig around your insides.
    • Taken to its logical extreme when you ask Marta to crack open your skull. This one actually gets noted in the journal:
      "I ordered Marta to look into my skull if there was anything inside. There wasn't."
  • Just about everything involving Fhjull Fork-Tongue. He's under a curse to do charity, which as a greater baatezu is something he hates. And he's not remotely afraid to share with you just how unhappy he is over this. It makes you a little more evil each time you do it, but getting him to give you the magic items and spells he's collected is still damned funny.
  • In "Curst Gone", you find some unexplained stone faces that tell you what happened to the town. You can then rhetorically ask them why you keep running into bodiless heads everywhere in your travels, to which they have no response. This grants you XP.
  • People in the Planescape setting really enjoy messing with the poor Nameless One's body parts, but particularly his eye. An early encounter in the Burning Corpse Tavern has the innkeeper pulling out your previous eye and saying you've got a few seconds to pull out your own and replace it before it rots. Ravel will tell you to close your eyes, and when you open (one of) them, she'll be holding your eye and crushing it right in front of you, only to stab it back in again. Ignus promises to give you some stat boosts for your body parts, so if you managed to keep your old eyeball around you'll be able to ask him to "upgrade it". Unfortunately, he'll instead scorch your only remaining "good" eyeball instead.
  • You can do some really stupid things in the game, with hilarious results.
    • Fall-From-Grace, being a literal demon and all, has a lethal kiss. She tells you this pretty early on. A low wisdom protagonist can try to kiss her.. only to very predictably die from it.
    • When trying to become a Godsman, you will need to smith a weapon inside the giant forge. Without the right tools you'll just stand there being scorched by the flames. The game lets you choose what to do and in what order. As such, you can simply start hammering the empty anvil for a good while or drop your ore into the furnace. The funniest one is trying to hold the ore in the furnace with your hand. Again, predictably, you pass out from the pain and heat.
    • Talking to one of the Abishai walking around Sigil early in the game is a death sentence. Morte will argue against it the first time around, but after that he'll simply tell you life is the best teacher and to go ahead.
    • Throughout the game, but especially in the first area, you can "talk" to all the walking corpses, zombies and skeletons. Being dead, they won't respond. This doesn't stop the protagonist from treating them as perfectly fine living people. Morte will only say something the first time around, probably feeling sorry for the permanent damage those deaths have done to your brain.
    • You can join the Chaosmen by talking at Barking-Wilder, which involves a few silly things like barking at him and improvising a song. After joining the faction, you can ask him to make you a member of the Chaosmen... despite already being one. This actually stumps him for a moment, before finding it hilarious and perfectly chaotic. And yes, you get Exp for this.
  • In the Civic Festhall, one guy will be talking about a very complex D&D form of reincarnation. While he's not entirely wrong, the way he says it and the way he jokes at the protagonist's expense gives justification for some schooling on the player's part. The lecturer can be asked to kill himself to prove his point. Naturally, he'll decline, saying that he'll do it if the Nameless One does so first... and so you do! Being immortal, snapping your own neck takes only seconds to regenerate. The following "Now you" conversation can lead to him completely denouncing his stance and subsequently pissing himself.
  • The beginning of the dialogue between the Transcendent One and Ravel has the former imperiously ordering the second to rise up, only for the latter to petulantly reply "Go away, I'm dead" while lying on the ground. Despite never changing his tone, you can imagine the Transcendent One's exasperation.
  • When asked what species he is by Fall-from-Grace, Morte claims he’s “le petit morte”. That’s a French euphemism for orgasm.
    • He can also claim to be the Head Of Vecna.For those who don’t know 
  • Asking Trias if he’s forgotten the face of his father. Even better, it actually gives him a brief Villainous Breakdown.
  • Nordom asks Morte if he has a greater destiny. Morte asks if Annah is still wearing clothes. Nordom notes that she is. Morte says that in that case, the answer is yes.
    • Similarly, his response to meeting Yves Tale-Chaser is to say “What a coincidence! I too chase tails.”
  • The scene where you convince a man you’re talking to that he doesn’t actually exist, despite the fact that you are talking to him. Thanks to the nature of Sigil, the poor guy promptly disappears in a Puff of Logic. And if you do this, you unlock a secret ending where you do the same thing to yourself.
  • An old widow in Mortuary Square flies into a rage when you ask if you can ask her a few questions, like some kind of adventurer. Even better: it's a completely optional one-time conversation that doesn't lead to a quest, item, experience points, or anything — it's purely there to set the stage and show you what kind of game you're getting into.
    Elderly Hive Dweller: [thrusts out her pelvis and mimics the Nameless One's heroic stance] Greetin's, I have some questions... Can ye tell me about this place? Who's the Lady o' Pain? I'm lookin' fer the magic Girdle of Swank Iron, have ye seen it? Do ye know where a portal ta the 2,817th Plane o' the Abyss might be? Do ye know where the Holy Flamin' Frost-Brand Gronk-Slayin' Vorpal Hammer o' Woundin' an' Returnin' an' Shootin'-Lightnin'-Out-Yer-Bum is? ...Dung, all o' it! Only gets ye in the dead-book! I ought ta kick ye in the shins fer even pesterin' a poor ol' woman about it all! Now go away and leaves me in peace!
  • After searching through the planes, fighting and suffering through the entire game, when you finally reach the portal that leads to the Fortress of Regret, one dialogue choice with Morte, who not only has been your constant companion from the beginning of the game but also has accompanied a previous Incarnation of yours through the portal, goes thusly.