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Funny / Pillars of Eternity

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  • The game opens with your caravan guide giving a pretty funny warning against angering the locals by entering the ruins.
    Caravan Master Odema: Whole area's crawling with hut-dwellers who'd be happy to stick an ax in you for trespassing, so mind that you don't track mud on their sacred blazing rocks.
  • Equally funny is when the caravan master tries to get Calisca to agree to go with you.
    Odema: S/he needs to find some springberries. Watch that s/he doesn't drop dead.
    Calisca: No promises.
    Odema: What kind of guide says something like that?
    Calisca: Kind you can afford.
    Odema: (laughs) Don't listen to her, you're in good hands. And I pay too well if anything.
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  • The Watcher's first encounter with Aloth.
    Aloth as Iselmyr: Fye, yer itching for the kindling touch of your sister, ye coxfither!
  • Your first encounter with Eder can be pure gold. When he says he saw you staring at a corpsenote  with your mouth hanging open for so long he almost took you for a Raedric, the Watcher can respond, "Impossible. I don't drool half as much."
  • When discussing what Durance means by "testing" you, he states that "If you strike a lie at the knee... why, you make a cripple with but one leg to stand on". You can then ask if that's why he carries the staff, earning a laugh from him.
    • This joke works two ways, even. Does he carry the staff to strike peoples' knees... or has he been struck in the knee and rendered crippled, requiring the staff to hold him aloft?
  • If you successfully infiltrate a secret meeting, an Initiate remarks on your missing mask. If your Resolve is high enough, you can simply ask to "borrow" his, promising to bring it right back.
    Aloth: (Muttering between clenched teeth) You can't be serious.
  • You can ask Hiravias his opinion about the other party members.
  • After a botched undercover mission:
    Watcher: Their orlan friend showed up at the wrong time, and now they're dead. Pay me.
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  • At the game's grim climax, Hirvias gives Thaos a wonderfully crude Shut Up, Hannibal!:
    Thaos: Have your friends proven a worthy distraction from the pain of ostracism?
    Hiravias: Ostracism? Is that the name for the groin rash your mother gave me?
  • In a minor sidequest, a Watcher with a properly vicious reputation can get a drug lord's mercenary to step aside with the following threat:
    The Watcher: Get out of my way or I'll break your sword in half and feed it to you at both ends.
  • When you make it to the Adra dragon, you can make the following response:
    The Watcher: I think I'll just go back home. Count my gold. Live a long life.
  • If the Watcher has a background as a nihilistic philosopher, they will have the following response to the revelation that the Gods aren't real.
    The Watcher: I KNEW IT!
  • The Watcher first meets Hiravias (noticing a pattern here?) as he's gorging on a fresh, bloody, deer carcass. If you agree to have some when he offers "the best part," he proceeds to pull out a long intestine while grinning expectantly. If you call his bluff by saying "After you," he'll try to keep up the ruse by trying to pretend it tastes good... only for his face to droop while chewing, then finally break down gagging.
    Hiravias: Ugh! Now I know the last thing it ate was elderberries.
    • If you're playing a Stoic character, you can choose to eat it, at which point he stops you.
  • After abducting the infant, Vela, as part of the "Sacrificial Bloodlines" quest in Act 3, we get this gem dropped after stating that you intend to keep her.
    Hiravias: If you really want an angry orlan screaming and defecating in the middle of the night, you could just ask me.
    • This also triggers a fight with the man confronting you, as that plan is pretty damned insane.
    • Probably funnier is Eder's reaction, as he quips that he has room in his pack if you let him name the baby. (Made funnier by the fact that he's the only companion who's excited to keep the baby.)
  • When you have recruited Pallegina and go to the embassy with her, you have the option to side with her against the task the ambassador is giving her. You then get this wonderful 'Deceptive' dialogue option:
    (Lie) Yes, certainly. I will make sure Pallegina fulfills her task. (winks at Pallegina obnoxiously)
  • In Skaen's Temple, if your Cruel reputation is high enough, the pool of blood will offer you to sacrifice one of your companion for a permanent status bonus. If you do, your companions will react in horror (but won't know you are responsible). If you sacrifice Grieving Mother... No one cares. They don't even know she is here because of her glamour. Doing so will earn you some rather funny reactions from the others, including Durance scratching his buttock with his staff and Edér saying out loud that he is going to eat roasted chicken at the inn, while Grieving Mother is choking in her own blood.
  • When doing Edér's quest, if you have Grieving Mother in your party, you can ask her to help you with examining an object in order to find some clues about his brother's past. If you decide to do so, you get this little gem (remember than no one realizes who Grieving Mother is exactly, because of her glamour, and that is when they realize she is traveling with you at all):
    • Similarly, when asking Hiravias about the party, he notes that the strange peasant following you around should be careful because she might get hurt, apparently not recognizing that she's been kicking ass alongside you.
  • As with any Obsidian/Black Isle game your team members don't especially like each other, this leads to some pretty snarky comments when someone collapses in battle.
    Edér: (after Durance has collapsed) Did it get quiet all of a sudden?
  • Edér's love of animals is mentioned by Hiravias as a hint towards his secretly soft heart, but it translates to hilarity and adorableness gameplay wise. From having special dialogue with pets to wondering if a druid will let him pet his stelgaer companion (keeping in mind that stelgaer's are massive predatory cats with sabre cat teeth), sometimes it's a mystery how this man is still alive.
    • If Hiravias is present to overhear Edér wondering if he can pet the stelgaer, you get this gem:
      Hiravias: So, uh — where I'm from... petting a stelgaer doesn't mean what you think it means...
  • This one is more sadly and darkly funny, but during Aloth's personal quest in Act 2, a soul scribe has him relive one of the most traumatic memories of his life: the day his drunken, abusive dad beat him so badly a past soul Awakened. As he lies there paralyzed with fear, the Watcher can respond any number of ways, from gently assuring him that it's okay, to holding his hand, to this loving gem: "[Slap him]"
  • Zahua's introduction clearly demonstrates exactly what the Watcher is getting themselves into bringing him on board. An unnamed NPC is seen exclaiming that there's something with eyes in a barrel. The Watcher can investigate to find the barrel contains rotting fish guts... and a monk. Meditating in the rotting fish guts. After dramatically leaping from the barrel, Zahua explains his reasons: he's trying to make himself smell absolutely foul as a way of keeping himself humble. Further inquiry reveals that he is also tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms.
    • If you go to the fish market:
      Zahua: Now we can all be rid of our vanity!
  • If you managed to turn Suldrun back into a human, Zahua will Brigthslap him when he gets a little depressed about killing all his victims.
    Zahua: Usually works for me. (beat) What?
  • In Zahua's personal quest, you and the rest of the party join a Mushroom Samba with him. Your party members' reactions as he hands out the herbs are hilarious. Pallegina, Durance, and Grieving Mother sound especially put-upon, like babysitters joining a child's game.
    Edér: I'll try anything once. Bunch of times if it's good.
    Hiravias: I can't believe you've been holding out on me this long!
    Sagani: Don't tell my kids.
    Kana: Feels like we're back at the lore college.
    Maneha: No better friend than one sharing good drugs.
    Aloth: Maybe I could inhale just a few of the spores.
    Devil of Caroc: This ain't fair.
    Durance: There are simpler ways to understand the world, monk. A single stroke of my staff would do. But very well.
    Grieving Mother: One must seek insight where one can.
    Pallegina: Di verus? You can't be serious.
  • In Galvino's workshop, you can encounter a door with a voice asking you to let it out. If you go inside, you meet an incomplete construct who tries to rob you. For context, an incomplete construct has no head and arms and walks with a limp. Cue Curb-Stomp Battle. You can let it rob you, BTW. Better yet, if you take pity on it and let it out, it blows up after taking 5 steps out of the cell anyway.
  • Some of the companions reactions to Deryan's address to the crowd are pretty golden:
    Deryan: You want to boot all the outlanders from your town? Tell that to the hero of the White Forge.
    Edér: (chuckles) Hey, it wasn't just me. This Watcher deserves a little credit.

    Deryan: (about Adaryc Cendamyr) Rumor has it that the man is half-mad with visions.
    Zahua: In Zahua's experience, if one is only half-mad with visions, the dose was too low.
  • Both times you commune with Ondra, you and the Devil of Caroc can get some snark in. When Ondra tells you that shattering the crystal in Cayron's Scar will drown whoever does it...
    Devil of Caroc: Ain't that convenient.
  • Rapid click your companions' portraits. Just do it.
    Edér: (deadpan) This is why you were traveling alone.

Party Banter

  • Between Eder and Sagani...
    Eder: Sagani, does your fox bite?
    Sagani: Yes.
    Eder: ...can I pet him anyway?
    Sagani: It's your hand.
    Eder: I'm gonna pet 'im!
    (Some time later)
    Sagani: How's the hand?
    Eder: Turning purple. Think I'm gonna have to cut it off.
    Sagani: I warned you not to pet him.
    Eder: If I'm not supposed to pet him, then why is he so soft?!
  • Aloth and Sagani:
    Aloth: So... you've been traveling completely alone for five years?
    Sagani: I've had Ituumak.
    Aloth: ...But he can't talk.
    Sagani: My standards changed around year two.
    • And another from that pair.
      Sagani: Son of a moosefucker!
      Aloth: I beg your pardon?
      Sagani: Sorry. Kallu's always telling me to watch my language, 'specially around the kids. Guess I haven't had a reminder in a while.
      Aloth: What happened?
      Sagani: One of them heard me tell a joke about a Glamfellen youth with frostbite somewhere... sensitive. Kids repeat everything.
      Aloth: I meant just now.
      Sagani: Jammed my thumb. Nothing big.
  • Between You and Hiravias...
    The Watcher: Where are you from, originally?
    Hiraivias: My mother's crotch.
    The Watcher: What a coincidence. I TOO came from your mother's crotch.
    Hiravias: Only I'm allowed to insult my mother, but seeing your dedication to banter, I'll let this one slide.
  • Sagani is skeptical of the Watcher's ability to perceive souls. When she finally sees you in action, she changes her tune. However..
    Sagani: Forgive me if I was a little...skeptical of your abilities before. I can't say I've met a real Watcher before.
    Eder: Oh don't worry about him. He just likes doing that from time to time. Seems to cheer him up, so I just let him.
    Aloth: Once you've seen it a few times, the shock wears off.
    Kana Rua: Every time he goes a little strange in the face I try to see if he can hear anything...It hasn't worked so far. See if you can get him to tell you what the spirit said.
  • Pellagina's appearance elicits some comments from the others.
    Eder: So those feathers - that's a blessing of Hylea?
    Pellagina: So they say.
    Eder: That's lucky. Where I'm from, we see a feathered lady, we start worrying maybe her dad got frisky with his hens.
    Pellagina: I guess you can always trust a farm boy's head to go there first.
    • And from Hiravias' end...
      Hiravias: So, do you have feathers everywhere?
      Pellagina: Eccosi?
      Hiravias: You know... does your tiara match your tailfeathers?
      Pellagina: We're about to find out if your viscera match your fur.
      Hiravias: Forget I said anything - I rather value my viscera.
  • Sagani and Hiravias have this quick exchange.
    Hiravias: ...before I knew it, the stelgaer was on top of me and I was face down in the dirt!
    Sagani: Arrow to the throat. That stops 'em.
    Hiravias: What? No. I was spiritshifted, and she was in heat. So I aimed for the throat, but not with an arrow...
  • Hiravias' nature lends itself well to these.
    Durance: With a cat's nose, how is it you've failed to notice your own rotten stench?
    Hiravias: "Failed to notice"? Hardly - I put work into smelling this way!
    Durance: I should have expected.
    Hiravias: I never know what sort of game is downwind. I need to smell like part of nature, not an interloper.
  • Sagani trolls Kana Rua.
    Kana: I have never been to Naasitaq. Is it very cold? What creatures wander the tundra? How are your leaders chosen?
    Sagani: Do you always ask this many questions?
    Kana: Well, that's just to get us started! Let me get out some parchment for notes...
    Sagani: Ask whatever you want. If I don't know, I'll make something up.
  • Reacting to the Radiant Spore, Zahua and Edér share an unconventional idea:
    Edér: Zahua, you think this thing's smokable? I got my pipe.
    Zahua: If it is not, I would gladly die finding out.
  • This bit between Kana and Zahua:
    Kana: I still can't believe the tablet is truly gone. Years of study, only to find a little pile of stones.
    Zahua: There is no greater suffering of the soul than failure.
    Kana: Every piece of evidence pointed to that tablet. And now it is out of reach, forever.
    Zahua: Your life's work was for nothing.
    Kana: Well, now, that's not quite... I mean, we did learn more about the Engwithans than just about anyone else alive.
    Zahua: Shh. Do not ruin this for me.
  • And between Zahua and Aloth:
    Zahua: It sounds as though you have suffered greatly, Aloth.
    Aloth: Thank you, yes. It's rare I get much understanding.
    Zahua: Tell me of your lowest moment.
    Aloth: Well... when I was a child, I— Wait, are you enjoying this?
    Zahua: Spare no details.
  • Maneha manages to seriously get under Durance's skin.
    Maneha: Ondra's tides! Durance, you crack me up. (laughs)
    Durance: Hm?! There's no joke to be had, aumaua. Only the observations of a humble missionary.
    Maneha: Oh! Tell me that one about Magran again! I love that joke.
    Durance: (seriously ticked off) Simply because I have business with that whore does not mean I care to discuss it!
    Maneha: How do you make your face get so red?
  • Between Maneha and Hiravias:
    Maneha: I've met a few of your kind, but you're nothing like I expected.
    Hiravias: Really? And what exactly were you expecting? Savage animal-like behaviors?! Maybe that I would just talk in growling noises?!
    Maneha: I was talking about you being a follower of Galawain.
    Hiravias: Can I finish my rant, please?! It's hard to stop midway through...


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