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- From the pilot:
Reese: Do I owe you money? Because I'm uh...[flaps the ragged coat he's wearing] a little short at the moment.
- Carter's baffled look at the four mooks beaten half to hell by a bum when she hears that the bum declined medical treatment.
- Reese's first words to Finch.
Reese: Take you, for instance. You're holding the gun sideways. You can't aim it, and two, it'll eject the cartridge right into your face.
- Reese walks in on a gun buy and asks those involved if they've taken a firearms safety course.
- Then he demonstrates it to them. And takes the guns they were looking at, to keep them out of the hands of people so clearly inexperienced in safe handling.
Reese: You should call the police. And a good divorce lawyer.
- In The Teaser Reese foils an murder of a rich businessman who's cheating on his wife.
"The entire department would be overhauled. Some employees would be transferred, some would be promoted. [looks at the Jerkass supervisor] Some would be fired."
- Finch explains to Reese what would happen if his cover identity is blown:
Finch: Guess I can use the miles...
- Reese walks into a place looking for information on the hitman who killed the PoI's family. He's quickly thrown out and threatened not to come back. He gets up and waggles his eyebrows at Fusco, then walks right back in.
- Reese buys out an entire floor of a hotel using Finch's card. And a $50 cheeseburger.
- Reese then leaves to go track down the Big Bad of the episode, but not before taking the knife that came with the meal he ordered - giving the POI (who winged him with a box-cutter earlier in the episode) a knowing look. Then he grabs the fork as well.
- Reece kidnaps two gang members and has them in his trunk to interrogate them, when they don't talk he gets one to beat it out of the other. The next time we see the guy he's eating a burger while Reese tells Finch the information.
Reese: "You know teaching can be a dangerous profession."
- Reese wonders if one of the POI's students intends to harm him.
Finch: "Yes, I imagine espionage was a much safer choice, Mr. Reese."
Reese: Thank you!
- Reese and the POI (who has been shot) are hiding out in a hellhole housing project. Reese goes to "borrow" some drugs from a pair of cookers to treat the man's bullet wound. Obviously, they object, and as Reese is leaving with the drugs in hand, he pauses and turns back to the two unconscious men.
Fusco: Were there were shots fired?Reese: [draws his sidearm and fires several shots into the wall] There were now!
- Reese leaves another mess for Fusco to clean up, and Fusco points out he can't do anything about it until someone calls in a crime. Reese says that there will be a call of shots fired.
- "Get Carter":
Reese: [dressed as one of the SWAT team] Oh, I'm...pretty close.
- Carter and Fusco are separately questioning the villain of the week's girlfriends (neither of whom know about each other). Trying to get them to roll on the guy, Carter puts both of them in with Fusco in an interrogation room, quickly telling him "make sure they don't kill each other!" and grinning as she hears the catfight begin as she shuts the door. The shouting is still audible as the scene continues.
- Reese is following Carter on a motorcycle, swapping his trademark suit for a motorcycle jacket. After his Dynamic Entry into the villain of the week's car garage, Carter hears that the guy who busted up the place with a submachine gun and a grenade launcher had a leather jacket, not a suit. Carter remarks that his suit must be at the cleaners.
- The NYPD sends in a SWAT team to take down the bad guys, and Finch asks how Reese will be close enough to protect her.
- "Number Crunch":
Reese: Where did you come from?Finch: I breached the space-time continuum.Reese: ......Finch: Not really.
- This exchange from the beginning of the episode.
Trask: Looks like somebody went at this with a hammer!
- Reese and Finch hack into the all the wireless networks in an apartment building so they can spy on the residents, one of whom is a young female doing yoga in full view of her webcam. In her underwear. She's... "healthy." Cue hilarious synchronized headtilt.
- This blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment where Reese creates a diversion, breaking the sink to distract Trask so Finch can investigate. Reese's smirk following Trask's comment is what makes this.
- Three words: "Use the cushion!"
- Reese teaching Finch "basic self-defense." He suggests two different tactics (both of which involve attacking a man's eyes), prompting absolute horror from Finch.
- At the start of the episode's climax, Finch actually uses one of the moves, hitting a man in the eye with his thumb. He stares at his thumb for a second and then wipes it off, disgusted.
Reese: "[He's] very manipulative. Secretive. We've had some personality conflicts."
- Reese gets close to the lawyer he's investigating under the guise of suing his employer for work related injuries; she asks what his boss is like, and he proceeds to describe Finch (who he knows is listening in on the conversation) in unflattering terms.
Andrea: "I take it he has a lot of money?"
Reese: "He's one of those rich loner types. The kind you'd call strange if he didn't have so much cash, so instead he's.... eccentric."
- Carter mentions she looked for a "sorry I got you shot" card.
- "Root Cause":
"Nice work, dude!"
- A student at the public library spending time with a girl mistakes Finch and Zoe for a couple.
- He also gives Finch a thumbs up when he sees him again later (with a different girl!).
- "Wolf and Cub":
Carter: You know, I always pictured you in the back of my car. In handcuffs.
- Fusco gets shot in the butt. Poor guy, it's actually pretty funny.
- Reese dumps a naked murder suspect in the back of a NYPD cruiser and leaves a few empty beer bottles for good measure. The officers couldn't believe what they saw the next morning, assuming he slept there the whole night.
- This exchange when Reese appears in the backseat of Carter's police cruiser.
Reese: Well, to each his own.
Finch: Banking is mostly looking clever and wearing the right clothes. And we've managed the second part.
- When Finch is fitting Reese with a new suit in preparation for getting close to their latest number:
- At the end of the episode, after the POI helps destroy the illegal short sale his colleagues were trying to do, he refers to the whole affair as their "little game of 'Hide the Short'".
- "Baby Blue":
Finch: It's no wonder they never catch anybody with these things.
- Reese and Finch play daddy to a six month old.
- The part where Finch chides Reese about safe storage of his arsenal after they find the baby teething on a tear gas grenade is especially amusing. They sound exactly like a couple bickering over the proper way to raise their child.
- The Funny Background Event of Baby Leila in a makeshift playpen made of books was amazing.
- And the composite sketch of Finch was hilarious.
Finch: A baby went missing from a clinic in Washington Heights last night.
- Carter is exasperated when Finch, who is stocking up on baby supplies at the time, tells her that he kidnapped the baby:
Carter: Missing? It was stolen. By some weird-looking... [realizes] No. You didn't.
Finch: She was in imminent danger of kidnapping.
Carter: So you kidnapped her!?
Cashier: "Congratulations! Is it your first?"
- The exasperation level gets taken Up to Eleven when he tells her that he left the baby in Reese's care. He is utterly matter-of-fact about the whole thing until the store cashier mistakes the two of them for new parents:
[Finch has a frozen stare while Carter has this "You're kidding me, right?" look on her face]
Reese: [Points at father] "Da-da?" [Points at son] "Or da-da?"
- While trying to find out about Leila's parents, Finch pulls up a picture of a couple and their twenty-something son.
Finch: How about a delicious bottle?
- Finch getting distracted by the baby.
Reese: Finch, are you there?
- "Identity Crisis":
Finch: We have to keep a closer eye on Jordan.
- Harold is obviously smitten with the female POI.
Reese: "Jordan?" You're on a first name basis now?
Finch: No, I'm just...tired of using pronouns.
Finch: [to Fusco] Want to hack the Pentagon?
- In that same episode, it's revealed that Finch invented online social networking.
- And then Finch gets doped on ecstasy. Hilarity Ensues.
- "No Good Deed":
- Henry Peck spends several minutes ranting about how he's discovered that the government is spying on the entire country, but we get don't see who he's talking to until the end: it's Fusco, glancing disinterestedly around the room before asking Peck if he wants a soda.
Reese: No, but they taste good.
- Carter, Fusco and Reese are chasing a car full of HR officers, Reese tells Carter to slow down....and blows up the HR officers car with a bomb. He then nonchalantly suggests they buy a drink sometime while Carter and Fusco stare dumbstruck at the flaming vehicle.
- In fact, any time Reese does something outrageously illegal in front of these two.
- Reese has the POI holed up in a nice hotel. She's quietly panicking and he hands her the chocolates, saying they'll help. The POI (a psychologist) asks if they'll do that by provoking an adrenal response.
- "The Contingency":
Leon: It's a sex thing. You got a problem with that?
- Reese quieting Angry Guard Dog Bear by speaking Dutch. (Video here.)
- Leon Tao managed to escape from a police station, still handcuffed. He subsequently encounters a clerk who glances at them.
Reese:"You know, the guy who owned this badge would probably have accepted that deal. But I'm not him."Leon:"So who are you?"Reese:"The guy who shot him and stole his badge."
- Believeing Reese is a cop the bad guys try to bribe him into letting them kill Leon.
- "Bad Code":
Man: Time for a re-match, and don't you try to sucker punch me agai—
- Some people have the extremely smart idea of picking up a fight with Reese, and he handily defeats them. Cue the same people trying to pick up ANOTHER fight later:
(Reese immediately sucker-punches him into submission)
Hersh: "That won't be a problem. Not exactly New York's finest working on this one."
- After the fight, Reese steals their laptop and weapons and they timidly approach him later to ask for them back. Cue Reese, not even pausing his phone conversation or turning his head, aiming a crossbow right at their face. Needless to say, they leave him alone after that.
- Hersh is told over the phone not to arouse NYPD's suspicion. He looks at Fusco trying and failing to command Bear (he accidentally tells him to jump on his desk).
- When Reese and Carter are in Texas, they leave Fusco to look after Bear. When the two of them go on a stakeout, Fusco is sitting in the passenger seat of the car and talking to Bear, in the driver's seat. This is rather amusing from a meta point of view because Fusco is normally the Plucky Comic Relief for either Reese or Carter, so the implication here is that with them out of town, he's Bear's Plucky Comic Relief.
Reese: Why don't you wait in the car?
- This conversation between Carter and Reese.
Carter: [unimpressed] Why don't you wait in the car?
Reese: Give me three and a half minutes.
Carter: Oh, please. There are at least ten guys in there.
Reese: ...Okay, four minutes.
Carter: I got bored sitting in the car. And it took you longer than four minutes.
- Later, after Carter shoots a member of the gang and saves Reese:
Reese: Well, this guy hit me over the head with a neon sign. Not very sportsmanlike, and none of them want to tell me where to find their pal Monty.
Carter: Yeah, that's why you should ask them before you knock them out, John.
Finch: What's Sofia doing?
- When Reese accompanies Sofia to the club:
Reese: Her seventh vodka shot.
Finch: Do you plan to intervene?
Reese: I'm here to protect, not discipline. [Behind him, Sofia gets up on the bar.] Besides, it not like she's dancing on the— [Turns around to see Sofia dancing on the bar]
Fusco: Lemme mull that one over for a sec.Villain: [looks confused until Carter hits him with a car]Fusco: Yep. I'm pretty sure I can outrun you!
- Reese, interviewing for the position as Sofia's bodyguard, is asked for his ID. He pulls out a wallet... that turns out to belong to one of the other candidates. Then he does it again, for a third candidate. Then yet again, for the fourth. He's hired immediately.
- Finch is having trouble tracking down a partial plate for Reese. Not because it's hard to find, but because Bear wants to play and keeps distracting him.
- Reese taps in Fusco to look after Sofia. She looks at him and grins, and Fusco immediately concludes she's making fun of him. She tells him that he reminds her of her uncle Jacopo, who is nicknamed The Stud. As they're walking away, he asks her if she likes falafel.
- Later, Fusco is guarding her at a social function, and Finch calls him, advising him that he's tapped the building's cameras and advises him to stay away from the shrimp puffs after seeing the condition of the kitchen. Fusco hurriedly takes the shrimp puff he's about to bite into out of his mouth.
- At the end of the episode, Fusco and Sofia are being held at gunpoint by the villain, who scoffs at Fusco and asks him if Fusco thinks he can outrun him.
- "Bury the Lede":
Reese: Wait... You're trying to get me a date with her?
- Finch makes the grave mistake of giving Bear a squeaky toy that annoys him to no end. How does he fix this? Remove the squeaker.
- Reese has to get close to their latest number, but since she's a reporter who is also investigating "the man in the suit", his normal methods are out of the question. Cue priceless dawning horror when he realizes Finch has created a false profile (complete with cute pictures of Bear!) for him on an online dating site. Finch is having way too much fun here.
Finch: Already have. Tonight at eight. You've been flirting all day.
Reese: [sees Maxine checking her texts and smiling] Finch? What did I just say to her?
Finch: When were you ever going to need all those?!
- At one point, Reese has no other choice but to bring their number back to his apartment. Finch is leaning back in his chair, resigned to the situation, before suddenly jumping up and exclaiming, "Oh shoot, I've got your dog!"
- When he gets there, he hides in the closet, popping out a moment later to toss Bear his chew toy before darting back in...only to realize that all three walls are completely covered in weapons and ammunition. His expression of bug-eyed horror is what really sells it. Gifs of the moment can be found here, here, and here.
Finch: I wish you wouldn't do that here.
- Finch's attempts to advise Reese during the date ends with a lecture on social psychology, at which point Reese turns his earpiece off.
- When Reese is cleaning a very large military sniper gun in the library:
Reese: When I do it in the park people look at me funny.
- The best part is, Reese's delivery is so deadpan it isn't clear if he's snarking or he's actually done so.
- "The High Road":
Reese: Little stingy on the sprinkles.
- At the beginning of the episode, Bear licks one of the doughnuts on Finch's desk; Finch reprimands him, and then gets distracted when Reese arrives and doesn't throw it away. Any guesses as to which doughnut Reese chooses?
Finch: Hard to see how [the POI] had the money to move east, much less support a city lifestyle.
- It's made even more hilarious when Finch realizes which doughnut he chose, is about to say something, but thinks better of it. Reese's disgusted expression when he bites into the doughnut is a thing of beauty.
- Later, Reese lampshades the show's premise:
Reese: Maybe he met a reclusive billionaire?
Zoe: [looking around the idyllic suburban neighborhood] You remember when you saved me from being tortured and killed by corporate hitmen? Consider us even.
- Zoe and John are legendary Deadpan Snarkers. They pretend to be married for the week, and pose as a suburban couple. Glorious snarking at everything under the light of the sun proceeds, including, but not limited to:
John: Does that mean you don't want me to carry you over the threshold?Zoe: When this is over, I might have to fight you for custody of the dog.Zoe: [after John draws his gun when the doorbell rings] John, it's a doorbell. Let's try not to shoot any Girl Scouts on our first day, okay?Zoe: What do we do now [that they have eyes on their number]?
Reese: ...We wait.
Zoe: Ah, the party never stops when you're around. What do these people do for fun?
Reese: Beats me. Got any ideas?
[Gilligan Cut to Reese and Zoe playing poker and drinking scotch with loud music on the background]
Zoe: Suburbs might not be so bad after all.Zoe, at the end of the episode: "Is this the part where we get divorced?"
- John proposing to Zoe was hilarious. She did not see that coming.
- The first few minutes of "Critical". Finch gets a repeat number, and Reese wonders who's dumb enough to get in a life-threatening situation a second time. Cue Leon from "The Contingency" being tossed out a window. Having no time to deal with his problem, Reese brings him back to the library and orders Bear to keep watch over him. After Leon moans that there's nothing to do, Finch tells him to entertain himself with a book on penal law.
- "Til Death":
- Reese congratulates Finch on his being more willing to break into houses and bug them.
Reese: (to Fusco) Thanks for your help.
- While in the context it is heartwarming, outside of context it is pretty funny to hear a couple saying "I'm so sorry I tried to kill you, honey!" in tears in such a nonchalant way.
- What's funnier is with Fusco trying to hide from his date that a couple of publisher owners were kidnapped and that Fusco was a bit surprised that they weren't killing each other anymore after the attempted assassination at their New York residence.
- The kidnappings were hilarious, including such gems as Fusco and Carter looking around nervously as Reese picks up the Drakes and stuffs them in his trunk.
Fusco: Yeah, no problem, I always wanted to be an accessory to kidnapping.
Carter: Multiple kidnappings.
- Reese and Finch seriously consider just letting the couple kill each other. The only reason they don't is because they don't have any other numbers yet, so they don't have anything better to do.
- Finch Comically Missing the Point when Carter resignedly asks if he went through legal channels to obtain evidence in "C.O.D."Carter: His GPS logs? Which I'm sure you obtained by submitting an official request to the TLC.
Finch: [sincerely] Not quite. But if it would make you feel better I could hack into their network and make it look like I did. It would only take me a few minutes.
- "Shadow Box":
- Finch's reaction to his first ride on the back of a speeding motorcycle is this; he thought it was exhilarating and wants to buy one for himself! Reese's facial expression when Finch tells him is hilarious!
- Reese ribbing Carter about her potential love interest Beecher and that he might get a visit from him if he treats her wrong.Carter: Wait wait—so you guys are always listening?
Reese: Pretty much.
Carter: [stares in mute horror at the civil rights violation]
Reese: Don't worry. If things get heavy between you and Beecher, we'll tune out.
- "Prisoner's Dilemma":
Fusco: We gonna bust John out of [Rikers] or not?
- This gem at the very start, when Fusco complains to Finch about not being given anything to do. He then suggests:
Finch: Oh, it sounds like such a bad idea when you say it.
- Northern Light's chief hitman Hersh is tasked by the special counsel to access Rykers Island Penetentiary to find and kill Reese. How does he get in? Straight after he's finished talking to his boss, with an utterly stoic face, Hersh draws his sidearm and empties it in the air in front of dozens of civilians and police officers. The utterly straight face he keeps while doing so and getting arrested sells it.
- Who didn't laugh their head off at the sight of Finch fully suited up and wielding a grenade launcher with idea of pretty much storming the prison to break Reese out?
- How does Bear deal with Reese's absence? By sleeping on one of his suits! The visual is hilarious, with a high concentration of d'aww.
- Also, Finch recruiting Fusco to do John's work. Hilarity Ensues. The show repeatedly Gilligan Cuts to his numerous misfortunes at random, which include getting pepper sprayed in the eyes while trying to explain his job, an epic shootout, and the gem of the crown: The freaking lingerie model falling in love with our short, stubby lovable heroic policeman. She kisses him. Cue Fusco completely freezing in absolute shock.
- "Dead Reckoning":
Stanton: So why the Cruise missile?
- Mark Snow explaining to Reese and Stanton that the reason he had that bomb dropped on Ordos was so he could ensure they both ended up dead. Yeah. That obviously worked out really well, Mark.
Snow: Had to be sure.
Stanton: [smirks at the man she has strapped to a bomb vest] And how's that working out for you?
Reese: [hearing an angry chirp from the phone] I take it that one didn't do it? [Finch gives him an irritated look] Sorry.
- It was funny that Reese and Mark were forced to work together despite the fact that they hated each other because of Ordos.
- Finch is trying to defuse Reese's bomb vest, and has three attempts to unlock the phone that serves as the trigger. He has five codes to choose from.
- In "Relevance", Reese meets Shaw. He introduces himself and tries to convince her he can help her. She shoots him in the chest in their first meeting. Cue the second one:Reese: Can you do me a favor? Can you not shoot me this time?Shaw: Give me a good reason.Reese: I don't know, I'm a really nice person. And well, that. [points towards the poison syringe stuck in her back]
Finch: Do you think she'll call us a taxi?
- When Shaw staggers out of the building the ISA has tried to ambush her in, guess who she runs into? Wilson, her boss who's coordinating the killing of her and Cole. He walks around a corner, doing a sit rep with the tactical teams....The Oh, Crap! look he makes when he sees an incredibly pissed off Shaw whose day has gone from bad to worse and is running on rage and adrenaline is priceless. Both then recover fast enough to draw their sidearms and engage in a quick gunfight.
- A small moment, but in the confrontation at the gala Shaw calls Wilson an idiot in front of his boss for trying to kill her and her partner as a first resort and then screwing that up spectacularly. Wilson just looks away sheepishly.
- Tao moaning about the trouble he had getting Shaw to the graveyard is hilarious.
- When Shaw leaves after taking Reese and Finch's phones, Finch is left wondering how they'll get home from the graveyard:
- In "Proteus" a red herring in the search for a serial killer leads to a smuggler instead. After dealing with it in his own inimitable fashion, Reese begins dragging the now unconscious smuggler away, griping all the way.Reese: Unbelievable. We're hunting a killer. Instead we get amateur drug night in the sticks.
- Then it happens in reverse, with the criminal dragging Reese while griping.
Reese: A drug smuggler shot at me with a speargun last night.Finch: Is that a first for you?
- "Don't say anything; just bleed if I'm right."
- At the end, Finch and Reese are talking.
Finch: I am handi-capable.
- The opening scene with Reese and Finch and Bear coming out of the cinema. So that Bear wasn't "excluded" from the movie Finch pretended his Big, Friendly Dog was an assistance dog. Reese comments this is 'unethical'. They apparently got away with it.
- The opening of "All In" has Leon in danger yet again, this time for scamming a group of Nigerian scammers. When he figures out they're going to kill him the background music stops playing and he just calmly explains to them that they should leave before it's too late. Cue Reese and Bear entering and defeating the two in seconds.Reese: We really should stop meeting like this.
Leon: Are you the Nigerian scammers? *Beat* I can't believe you're actually Nigerian.
- Also this...
Leon: It's not technically a crime to scam a scammer.Nigerian: But it is a crime to cut out a man's intestines and make him wear them as a hat.Leon: Wait... you-you plan to kill me?Nigerian: ...Probably.
- And this.
- In "Trojan Horse" Shaw shows up at the library. And the highly trained attack dog... welcomes her, and then goes back to his bed.Finch: Traitor!
Finch: I think it's safe to say you're the first person ever to call me that.
- Bonus CMOF: Shaw, speaking to Finch, describes Team Machine: "...you, your poorly-socialized guard dog... and Bear here."
- Shaw calling Finch "trusting" for offering her a job. Finch looks awkwardly to one side, then:
Reese: If you two would rather be left alone...
- Reese insisting that Finch has a 'crush' on the Number, Monica. And then when the two end up working together to break into the networks of Monica's own company:
- In "In Extremis", the entire scene in the car with Dr. Nelson and the stock trader.Nelson: Have I mentioned that my eyesight is failing? *aims gun*
- And the big grin on Reese's face as he's watching all this.
- "Zero Day":
- "I've lost people before. So when I care about someone, I plant a tracking device on them."
- "It's so adorable how John follows you around like that. I wish I had a pet!"
- "God Mode":
Shaw: [confused expression] Listen, I already broke you out of jail tonight, I am not springing you from the Funny Farm.
- The reaction of Shaw (who's still trying to grasp The Machine) to seeing Reese arguing with it via speaking to a CCTV camera.
Reese: What's this for?
- The Machine, after rebooting, sends Reese and Shaw on various live-saving errands before they can rescue Finch. One of which is an angry man pointing a gun at his ex and her new husband at their wedding. They drive up, Reese shoots him in the arm, and then congratulates the couple before driving off. This is also qualifies as one of the few times he raises his voice.
- Also, Reese and Shaw requesting transport, with Shaw grumbling that it had better not be a station wagon this time. Cue them opening a garage to find a sexy, Ferrari 458 and Shaw tossing Reese her shotgun. Doubles as a Visual Pun.
Shaw: To help you feel less inadequate while I drive this thing.
The Machine: Two hundred yards right.Reese: Two hundred yards, turn right.Shaw: What right, John?John: You gotta trust, Shaw.
- Later on, Reese and Shaw are told to 'turn right in 300 yards'... while on an elevated highway. This means going off the side and clambering out in front of a bunch of aerial paramedics who can't believe what they're seeing.
- A subtle one, but when Lawrence Szilard mentions that Alicia Corwin was killed last year, Root remarks, "Such a tragedy," and Finch gives her the side-eye. Neither of them sees fit to mention that Root was the one who shot her.
- At the Hanford Site: People in containment suits, handling nuclear waste. And Finch and Root casually strolling past them, as if they're not there.
- After all the build-up, there is something quite amusing about seeing Root and Finch enter a massive room behind a secure door complete with warning signs...only to find it empty save one guy with a laptop.
Criminal: Who are you?Reese: Tonight? Hostage negotiator. [cut to an exterior shot of the van as gunshots ring out inside and the van goes out of control]
- A POI gets kidnapped, masked cartel members dragging him into a black van and threatening him...and then they notice Reese sitting in the corner of the van, also in a mask, calmly sending a text complete with sound effects.
"An annual deluge of drunken sailors that somehow does not qualify as a military attack."
- Fusco being used as Shaw's human shield/bipod. After she takes out the gunmen who were trying to ambush the POI, he recovers from the shock, draws his own gun half a minute afterwards and haplessly surveys the carnage Shaw has brought down on the gunmen
- Fusco is also dressed in a top hat, tails and the world's most hilarious false beard.
- Finch's description of Fleet week.
Finch: [standing in the library looking perturbed] Mr Reese? Everything all right?Reese: Just shore leave, Finch. [gets hit with a bar stool]
- Reese is watching the latest POI in a bar. Of course a barfight breaks out, and Reese calmly ducks a thrown glass and moves to intervene, looking almost amused.
Shaw: Could shoot you or save you; frankly, I could go either way.
- Reese and Shaw are patching up the POI who has been shot. He suddenly wakes up, grabs Reese's wrist in a vice like grip....and finds Shaw sticking her handgun into the side of his head.
Reese: [completely unperturbed by all the firepower pointed at him] I'm sorry, are you guys closed?
- The diamond exchange gets tense, and then Reese calmly walks into the shop.
- After the diamond exchange has gone thoroughly wrong, Reese and Shaw are gone, and the Russian mobsters and devil dogs are all in injured heaps on the floor. Scarface casually walks in, stepping over the groaning bodies, takes the diamonds and the cash, and walks out whistling along to the background music.
- Shaw is so proud of shooting a mook in the arm through the wall, fulfilling Team Machine's Thou Shalt Not Kill criteria. Then the wounded man stumbles out of the window to his death.
- "Nothing to Hide":Reese: [The POI]'s in Shaw's hands now.
Finch: I hope sending her in there was a good decision.
Reese: You doubt her ability to be discreet?
Finch: I doubt her ability to keep from shooting someone.Wayne Kruger: You know, sometimes, I wish I had an assistant whose qualifications extended beyond having a great ass.
Shaw: I sure hope this guy's a perpetrator.
- Shaw's insistence that she can't shoot someone without eating something.
- YMMV but in a black comedy sense, due to the POI's status as an Asshole Victim: the scenes at Kruger's office qualify like a darker version of a Monty Python sketch. In a few short minutes, his secretary finds out he only hired her for her looks, the board of directors finds out about his shady past and immediately forces him out of the company and the icing on the cake is when he gets into an elevator which immediately goes into free fall.
- "Lady Killer":
Finch: It will require evening attire...That is to say, something elegant...but also...less than conservative...
- Finch being Adorkable when telling Carter what she will need to wear to the safehouse.
- Shaw quickly profiling the POI as a sociopath, and then quickly saying "Not That There's Anything Wrong with That."
- Shaw looking rather uncomfortable in ladies' evening wear, and then bonding with Carter over lethal and nonlethal weaponry. The grin on Shaw's face totally sells it. Then Zoe makes Carter jump by demonstrating a Taser she got from John, leading to this cap-off:
"I'm game for whatever... as long as I get to drive."Shaw: Really? A yoga instructor?Reese: You'd prefer trained killer?[Shaw looks at him as if to say "Yeah!"]
- For that matter, the way their respective weapons fit their characters is pretty funny. Carter has her trusty standard-issue police officer's piece. Shaw has the latest in state-of-the-art weapons tech. And Zoe... has a Taser. A pink Taser.
- The Running Gag in the series continues in the profile Finch created for Shaw:
Reese: You'll have to use your charm Shaw, not your sidearm.Finch: I hope that's not going to be a problem.Shaw: What's that supposed to mean? I don't look good? Cause I think I look good.Reese: You look fine Shaw. You just look angry, all the time.Carter: We'll work on it in the car.Fusco: This place is a ripoff. Club soda cost me $5. Nice view, though.Carter: (to Ian Murphy) You never know what kinda creeps you'll run into.Shaw: I clocked you and Zoe right off the bat, but I never thought you and Carter...Reese: We're just friends.Shaw: ...relationships are for amateurs. Guys these days have so many emotions, they cry, they wanna be held—I just don't know what to do with them.
- And then more when they discuss getting the POI's attention:
Shaw: Our guy just went from blue blood to hipster faster than you can say "ironic facial hair".Finch: I don't understand anything you just said.
- Root's interactions with her therapist. She slowly begins to creep him out and on the day of her escape, he's reduced to cowering behind cover as she exchanges gunfire with Hersh. After making sure Hersh is incapacitated, she then politely thanks the therapist and leaves, leaving him alone in a shot-up corridor full of unconscious bodies.
Root: Really? Even this guy? [The Machine beeps an affirmative. She shrugs] I guess you're the boss.
- Bonus points for her completely lackadaisical attitude during the shootout with Hersh, you can even see her trying to put a magazine into her gun the wrong way.
- When Root is stopped from executing Hersh by The Machine, she's rather annoyed.
- Finch rushes in moments later, to find Hersh groaning on the floor, the poor therapist in shock, and everything else mentioned above. He's stunned.
- Finch does not understand modern slang:
- "Reasonable Doubt":
Shaw: Speaking of forbidden love, did you frame Vanessa for Jeremy's murder because you were sleeping with him?Nicole: (flustered) Uh—Shaw: Sorry. Not Jeremy. "Hotstuff."Nicole: I didn't— I—(Shaw gets her gun out from her purse and chambers a round; everybody but her gasps.)Shaw: Up to me, I'd shoot your sorry ass. Unfortunately, it's not, so I have to protect you, because your best friend might be on her way here to kill you. Now... what's this book about?
- Shaw goes undercover to a book club meeting of "pseudo-intellectual glorified trophy wives" discussing Lolita:
Old man: Oh, that's not good. The little wheel's spinning. I'll just, uh, restart.*Shaw's expression turns murderous as she reaches for a letter opener on the man's desk**Fusco hastily intervenes*Fusco: Even for you, stabbing a senior would be a new low.Shaw: You don't know that.
- In the Greenwich, CT bank, the superannuated banking officer is clearly not at home with computers. After watching him tap out all his commands by hunt and peck and then screwing up his password, Fusco and Shaw are both more than ready to get on the road as soon as possible.
- From the beginning of the episode, when Finch and Reese foil an attempted theft at the veterinarian's, with Bear's help. Bonus points for Bear faking an illness to sell their cover:
Shaw: Fine with me, I hate kids.
- After Shaw declines Finch's offer of discussing how to improve her people skills over tea, Finch sits down to have it alone, and picks up a cookie...only for Bear to whimper plaintively and score himself a cookie.
- When Shaw and Reese are tailing Gen, Gen spots Shaw in a reflective window while Shaw is across the street.Reese: Finch, you're gonna love this. Shaw just got made by a ten year old!
Shaw: What kind of a weird-ass kid uses countersurveillance tactics!?
- Finch suggests that he and Reese keep Shaw at arms length from Gen, while they're on a private line that he thinks Shaw can't hear. Suddenly:
Finch: [Oh, Crap! face] Ms. Shaw?
Shaw: [smiling] What, Finch? You think I didn't bug your office?
[Finch looks around his office warily]
Finch: Now, about that bug in my library...
- And then at the end of the episode:
Shaw: Haven't found it yet, have you?
- If you listen closely, on that line, Finch noticeably slips into Shaw's Texan accent.
Gen: "I thought you might be a robot..."
- Gen poking Shaw.
Finch: (to himself) Read the labels, Harold.
- Finch goes through the various tapes Gen made of everyone in her building. Inevitably, one turns out to be full of passionate grunting and moaning, which flusters poor Finch and makes him eject the tape quickly. He flips it over to find Gen labelled it "GROSS!"
- "Mors Praematura":
Finch: "Miss Shaw may be violent and uncommunicative, but she is never tardy."
- Finch getting worried about Shaw:
Root: Sorry about that.
- Shaw and Root's uneasy alliance was full to the brim with deadpan snarking.
Shaw: Which part, the tasing, the drugging or whatever this is?
Root: I had to make sure you'd hear me out. She needs our help and...I figured you wouldn't come willingly.
- Root and Shaw break into a CIA "Pick-up site". Root begins to eat an apple and tells Shaw there's a CIA agent behind her. They get into a fight with Root watching and eating her apple all the while Shaw is beating up the agent until she decides to simply use her taser and end the fight quickly.
- Reese is searching Shaw's apartment. Looking in the fridge, he finds batteries, grenades, small arms, and a jug of milk. He tells Finch that there's nothing out of the ordinary in there.
- When the two plot lines come together (as the Shaw-Root and Finch-Reese teams are basically Working the Same Case from opposite sides), Reese and Shaw walk past each other through the middle of a firefight, not even surprised to see the other one there.
- "The Perfect Mark":
Reese: For 200 bucks an hour, Finch, I hope you get more than an expensive nap.
- Reese teasing Finch at the hypnotist's:
Finch: As before, Ms. Groves, Mr. Reese is upstairs with an unhealthy number of firearms. Please don't try to run.
- Finch cautioning Root:
Carter: I'm following an HR lead. They want to whack a Swedish antique dealer for screwing up their money laundering.
- Carter lampshading how little context Reese ever gives her.
Reese: That's funny. I'm on a conman therapist who happens to have a Swedish antiques dealer as a patient.
Carter: (Aside Glance) ...I'll pretend that makes sense.
- Carter visits Elias to get information on where the laundered money is coming from. Elias keeps pushing her to try the wine he's served, and she eventually takes an exasperated sip...only to pause and give him a sheepish look since the wine apparently is excellent.
- Reese and Carter's out-of-nowhere fist bump.
Reese: Wait, that's my grenade launcher?
- A good portion of the Hilarious comes from all in one scene.
- The scene earlier where Reese and Finch are convinced that a woman who used a grenade launcher wearing a gas mask is behind the drug theft, Harold goes "Who does this reminds you of?" and in walks Shaw to both men eyeing her like she stole the Hope Diamond. "Okay, you're acting weird..."
Finch: [absolute shock] Oh my God, that's Detective Carter, isn't it? [absolute deadpan] Your social circle isn't terribly wide.
- Shaw, once again, fangirling over Carter's antics.
- Finch deducing from Shaw's fangirling that it's Detective Carter in the video. His panic and shock plus his casual knock of Shaw's people skills all at once just make this scene even better.
- A good portion of the Hilarious comes from all in one scene.
- "The Crossing":
Fusco: I don't care who you are. You break into my house again, you're gonna be sorry.
- Fusco threatening Shaw for breaking into his house:
Shaw: I'm already sorry. I'm gonna have to listen to your whiny ass all the way to Queens.
Fusco: Me? You know the dog's the only one that likes you, right?
Fusco: Is that Glasses? Tell him this is the last time I chauffeur your ass.
- Later, when Shaw is on the phone with Finch while in Fusco's car:
Carter: Something wrong?
- Shaw snatches a Pizza Pocket out of a poor HR officer's hand and replaces it with a hand grenade, then removes the pin and cuffs him to the steering wheel. She later tosses the pin into the back seat of the car and leaves the man to his fate after he fails to answer her questions.
- Reese finds out from Finch that the Machine has given his number.
Reese: [gives her an uncomfortable smile] No more than usual.
Mook: That's a nice suit. Maybe we'll bury you in it.
- Reese's Pre-Ass-Kicking One-Liner on the subway train:
Reese: Too bad. I just had it cleaned.
Carter: [kicks a mook in the head as she passes] Something funny?
- When the episode comes back, all the thugs are unconscious, and Reese is smiling.
Reese: Subway, thugs...kinda reminds me of the first time we met!
Simmons: [cracks open a cookie and throws the crumbs at Fusco] "You will be unusually successful at your career." Y'know, I don't think that one's true. [tosses the paper away and cracks open another] "A thrilling time is in your future." We're getting close now. [cracks open a third] Ah, here we go: "Tell your friends what they wanna know, or they will break you apart limb from limb." That's more like it.
- The Cold-Blooded Torture Simmons inflicts on Fusco is definitely hardcore Nightmare Fuel, but his short fortune cookie spiel started off quite amusing for such a bleak situation:
Finch: Officer Simmons said you might be in need of my assistance.
- Finch walks up to an HR mook:
Mook: Yeah? Who are you?
Finch: I'm the guy that's gonna catch you when you fall. [Taser buzzing, man slumps to floor] Sorry, I'm not very good at this.
- "The Devil's Share":
Fusco: "You know, if you had told me about the carpool arrangements, I would have drove separately."
- The shot of Finch, Shaw, Fusco, and Root all crammed into Harold's Lincoln is a sight to behold.
Just when I think life with you people couldn't get any weirder, one of you takes it to the next level.
- When they get out, Fusco is extremely skeptical of Root's abilities. With the Machine's help, she lists the change from his morning coffee run, the picture of his father back at Fusco's house and even tells him where his name came from, completely freaking out Fusco.
Shaw: Okay, that was kinda hot.
- Shaw remarking on Root's Guns Akimbo attack on the Russians.
Doctor: You walked into the waiting room eating an energy bar and proceeded to tell the Loftin family their father was dead.
- Black Comedy courtesy of Shaw's detachedness in a flashback:
Shaw: Because he was.
Doctor: And, presumably, you were hungry.
Claypool: "It's a piece of crap for anyone who picks up the scent."
- The Machine tries to give Harold the next number; Harold responds by giving the Machine the silent treatment and ignoring every single payphone that is ringing.
- Harold sitting with the POI, a terminally ill friend of his from MIT, singing the school song together. The moment it ends Shaw remarks that Reese will be sorry that he missed that.
- Arthur's comments regarding various surveillance programs. In particular, his take on PRISIM.
Shaw: There's a time for a scalpel, and a time for a hammer. It's hammer time.
- Shaw's immortal line:
Finch: Did you make a backup [of Samaritan]?
- And the exchange between Arthur and Shaw:
[Arthur is silent, with a vacant look]
Shaw: Save it, Harold. He's closed for business.
Arthur: [side eye glance at Shaw] Of course I made a backup. It's just that woman seemed quite dangerous, so I played the tumor card. It was a ruse, remembering to forget.
Shaw: [smiles] You're growing on me, Arthur.
Arthur: [surprised look at Shaw] Who are you?
Shaw: [smile drops] ...never mind.
- Control and her organization are hilariously out of their depth, as demonstrated by her interrogation of Root. Assuming Root has administrative control of the Machine is wrong, but understandable. But thinking she has some username and password that can be tortured out of her? The Machine has never needed anything like that, not from its first second of operation.
Owen: Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but who the hell are you?
- Reese's adventures on the airplane, including the scene where he purposely shoves over an obnoxious businessman's suitcase when loading an old lady's bag into the overhead cabin, as well as giving the same guy a quick knockout punch while the stewardess is complaining to her co-worker.
- Later on...
Reese: A concerned frequent flyer.
Finch: Would it be too much to ask you to snap a twig?
- After Shaw sneaks up on and startles Finch:
Shaw: [obviously suppressing a smile] Not my thing.
Owen: Going through people's stuff? That's not cool, what are you looking for?
- Reese needs to get the stewardess on his side, but his mouth runs a little ahead of his brain, and he accidentally claims to be from the "International... Department of Homeland Security." The best part is you can tell he realizes his mistake halfway through, but he has no choice but to barrel on.
- Reese constantly asking for blankets and scotch for his recently unconscious assailants. Reaches it's peak when he asks the stewardess for scotch to put a young boy to sleep.
- Owen's fashion advice:
Reese: A safety razor, maybe. Hair spray.
Owen: Dude, your hair looks fine. That salt and pepper thing's like catnip to soccer moms. Go au naturel.
[Reese gives Owen his best Death Glare]
Finch: I'm only rated for props!
- At the climax, when Finch has to fly the jet remotely from his office, he quickly reaches to the shelf behind his desk and pulls out a PC flightsim yoke and throttle setup.
- Reese gives the remote for Owen's stun belt to the stewardess, claiming it's his beeper and to 'summon' him if Owen gets out of his seat.
Reese: Where's my backup weapon?Shaw: Moved it to the history section a week ago. It's time you upgraded your hardware.
- Shaw pointing out the "mildly erotic moment" in which Reese is trying to tie his bowtie while Finch keeps giving advice without actually reaching up to tie it for him.
- And then Finch keeps rolling along with it when the woman at Reception says (about Reese) "He's gorgeous!" to which Finch just wiggles his eyebrows at her.
- Also, the one-liner contests between Shaw and Reese, for example:
Reese: We'll need someone to help secure architectural designs, steal them if we have to, then develop our operation—Fusco: Or just call someone from the NYPD with friends in security, who can get you those kinds of things. Yeah, that's right, I know people.
- Lionel Fusco making his grand entrance:
Property Manager: Do you really have nuclear triggers in that briefcase?Reese: No. ''*whacks unsuspecting manager over the head with his case*
- Reese in disguise in the elevator:
- Every scene in which Reese wears that ridiculous fake mustache. Spawned its own Tumblr.
- With a little help from Fusco, Finch makes some fake fingertips that'll get Shaw and the Number past a biometric fingerprint security lock.
- Shaw pointing out the "mildly erotic moment" in which Reese is trying to tie his bowtie while Finch keeps giving advice without actually reaching up to tie it for him.
- "Last Call":
Shaw: There is no dead in team!
- Harold fielding a 911 call from a man whose car is being broken into... by squirrels. Reese and Shaw tease him by insisting that he should've taken the call.
- The Casual Danger Dialog between Reese and Shaw.
- Finch is complaining about being the one to work at the 911 call center, causing Shaw to ask, "Do you really want someone to call 911 and get me?".
Dillinger: It's not good for you to be in here all day by yourself, Harold. You ever think about getting a dog?
- A rather Reese-like protector is teasing Finch:
Daniel Casey: This is an original edition of Shannon and Weaver's Mathematical Theory of Communication. This is...
- A PoI is talking to Harold.
Finch: I believe the word you're looking for is "rad."
Kara: That's new.
- Kara and Reese's looks of bewilderment after the Decima agent they were torturing flings himself out of a window to avoid talking.
- "/" ("Root Path"):
Root: I wasn't talking to you.[In the NYPD station]
- When Root is getting Billy off the prison bus, a random prisoner calls out, "My name's Billy too!".
- Everything Root does is a mixture of awesome and funny. Some examples:
Fusco: Nobody's taking this guy from me without a big fat federal warrant, you got that?
[Root promptly whips out a thick blue packet]
Reese: You let her what!?
Fusco: She had a warrant—a real one. What was I supposed to say? "Sorry, boss, Agent King is actually a superpowered nutball. Just ask my buddy, the urban legend."
- After showing Finch the nasty scar behind her deaf ear, Root says, "Oh, did you not hear about my chat with Control? She's fun... in an unnecessary stapedectomy kind of way," in reference to Control torturing her.
- Root opens the window of the number's apartment and throws Shaw an energy bar. Shaw picks it up and eats it.
- Root gives Fusco a battery, telling him that his smoke alarm is going to go off later that night.
- Reese is walking down the street when a nearby payphone rings. We then get a Machine-POV shot of him giving the nearest security camera an exasperated Death Glare.
Fusco: Hope that guy has health insurance."Are you gonna cry?"
- Shaw having some fun at Fusco's expense over his provincialism.
- Fusco driving a fire truck and commenting he always wanted to drive those since he was a kid.
- Reese tackles a mook out of a window and down a four story drop. Shaw and Fusco are completely lost for words. Bonus points, a moment later Reese gets up as if nothing happened, looks up at Shaw and Fusco, and shrugs like it's no big deal.
- During the climax, Fusco and Reese face off against mooks from the Foreign Legion. They've taken down all but one (with some help from Shaw), who draws a knife on Reese. In what is almost certainly a Shout-Out, Reese calmly draws his gun and kneecaps the guy with a look that screams "what were you expecting?"
- "Most Likely To...":
Shaw: Is it just me, or is it getting harder to tell all the tourists apart?
- Shaw isn't happy on stakeout:
Reese: Don't appreciate visitors, Shaw?
Shaw: I don't appreciate their fanny packs.
Shaw: Is that why you had us dress up, Harold? An evening at the theater?
- Later on...
Finch: If you keep an open mind, Ms. Shaw, you might actually enjoy yourself.
Shaw: What's the show?
Finch: [hesitates] Mamma Mia!
[Reese and Shaw look distinctly unimpressed]
Finch If you take away the spectacles and the braces and tame the permament wave a bit, I do believe you and the real Betty Harris——Shaw: Harold. Stop. Right now.
- Root casually strolling on into a crime scene with her "Agent King" ID, prompting Fusco's Screw This, I'm Outta Here! reaction.
- Shaw's outrage when she sees the photo of the frumpy-looking lady that she's supposed to be impersonating at the reunion.
- Finch being less than happy about Lionel Fusco's music choices. (Dixie Chicks and Music/ACDC)
- Reese and Shaw's expressions of utter disbelief (particularly Shaw's) when they run into the perky greeter at the high school reunion.
- And then Shaw fuming at her "apparent resemblance" to the real Betty.
Shaw: I'm a blogger?Finch: No, that's just a side project. You're a dental hygenist.Shaw slams her head against a locker.
- Finch explains the real Betty Harris has talked on her blog of hating high school.
Jack: Well, some people are gun-shy.
- Jack Tanner talking to Shaw (as "Betty"):
Shaw: I got the scoop on why all these women are so fond of you, "Frank." You gave the brunette a promise ring, then slept with her best friend the redhead before having a fling with the blonde.Reese: Well, that's not too bad.Shaw: Whose mother you seduced. [Reese winces]
- The Running Gag of every attractive woman at the reunion slapping "Frank" is explained when Shaw reveals that the real Frank was quite the womanizer in his high school days. Which also makes Finch's description of the real Frank as "the mattress king" into a neat Double Entendre.
Shaw: You leaked our location to Vigilance!?
- After a shower, Shaw is wearing a tank and shorts, apparently having not brought a bathrobe. Next scene shows us Fusco walking out of his bedroom at the nice hotel suite Finch got for them in DC, wearing a fluffy bathrobe and an eye mask.
- Shaw calling back the Running Gag of the series when she baldly states that she "handles stress" by shooting someone every now and then.
- During a tense firefight with Vigilance goons, Shaw gets a call from Root, who casually apologizes for getting them into the mess in the first place.
- "Death Benefit":
Root: Hey, kids. You miss me between drug deals?
- Shaw being able to make the drug dealers turn to each other while being a Deadpan Snarker.
- Root rides up on a motorcycle. She and Shaw have this exchange:
Shaw: Yeah. I miss you like I miss an intestinal parasite.
Root: I love your similes.
Reese: [smiling at Finch] He knows now. Drive, Finch.
- Reese offers to sing to Finch next time they're on a stake-out together.
- Moments later, Finch remarks that this episode's POI, a US Congressman, has no idea of the danger he's in. Reese calmly rolls down his window and fires several shots at the man before rolling his window back up.
Finch: I have to tell you, Mr. Reese, I don't approve of this strategy.
- Thanks to his above actions, Reese gets placed undercover as the congressman's Secret Service protection. Unfortunately, Finch has some issues with Reese's plan, which keeps the Refuge in Audacity ball rolling full speed:
Reese: You're the one who said you couldn't make an alias that would pass Secret Service muster.
Finch: I said I didn't have time. I didn't know you were gonna steal the identity of an actual Secret Service agent.
Reese: I'm just borrowing it. Relax. Order some room service.
Finch: Perhaps I will when you tell me what you've done with the real Agent Abbott.
Reese: He's resting comfortably in a motel room near the airport.
Finch: ...Define 'comfortably'.
- Shaw and Root drinking cocktails and causally talking only to reveal that they're sitting in a bar full of drug dealers that they beat up.
Garrison: Mr. Greer, I'd assumed the beta test of your system would be a little more...professional.
- This exchange between Greer and Garrison when the latter gets his first look at the former's crude setup for Samaritan's beta test, a mashup of monitors and keyboards on a couple of folding tables:
Greer: [soft chuckle] The espresso machine is on its way.
Root: In evidence locker 7-7-9-B, there's a coil of copper wire. In 4-4-3-A, there's a pair of needle-nosed pliers. I need them, a roll of duct tape, and an extension cord.
- Root has purposely gotten herself arrested and is speaking to Fusco:
Fusco: Oh, is that all, Cocoa Puffs?
[Root nods and saucily winks at the security camera after Fusco leaves]
Shaw: You sure we're safe here?
- Team Machine has escaped to New Jersey to be outside of Samaritan's feeds and are in a restaurant.
Root: From everything but the coffee.
[Shaw does a small Spit Take back into her cup and hastily puts it down]
- Shaw once again orders pancakes, and once again does not get to eat them.
- A Decima fed appears with a warrant to detain Grace. Just as it looks like Shaw will fight him, Fusco appears and smoothly guides him into the interrogation room, where we hear the sound of Reese beating him up instead.
- Team Machine needs a distraction to get Grace out of the precinct. Cue Root blowing up a building.
- "A House Divided":
Casey: You're that government hitman that made me pull out my molars!
- Root's hacker team consists of Daniel Casey and Jason Greenfield. Casey is...less than thrilled when he spots Reese.
Greenfield: That's messed up.
Reese: Relax, Casey, I'm retired. [Casey doesn't look any less scared]
Hersh: Why would I trust you?
- Reese and Shaw arguing with Hersh over trust issues.
Reese: I haven't shot you yet, and you did try to kill me.
Shaw: Well he did kill me.
Hersh: Those were my orders. Besides, you got me back, Shaw.
Shaw: Oh, not even close! I drugged you! I left you with your heart still beating!
Hersh: I think we're getting off topic...
Hersh: My car's out front.
- Reese, Shaw and Hersh bickering about driving arrangements.
Shaw: Oh, you think you're driving?
Hersh: Well, you're certainly not driving.
Reese: I'll drive.
Hersh: I'll pass.
Shaw: Okay, here's the deal: I'm gonna drive, Reese sits in the back, while you [Hersh] ride shotgun. Agreed?
- "Deus Ex Machina": Just because it's really bleak doesn't mean there can't be a few moments of levity here and there:
Hersh: You know how to ride one of these things?
- Hersh insisting that he needed to off the wounded Decima agents because they'll take the chance to commit suicide after Reese and Shaw looked at him. (And we start to see where Shaw's "shoot anyone" attitude comes from...)
- Shaw realizes she needs a method of transportation. Cue Hersh simply firing in the air and stealing a terrified passerby's bicycle unceremoniously. This is even funnier when you realize this is a Call-Back to how he got himself in jail to get to Reese. So it seems like Hersh's answer for everything is to just shoot into the air.
Shaw: You got a way about you, Hersh.
Hersh: Be good, Shaw.
"Well...this should be fun."
- Shaw expressing her hatred of computers after her RFID chip has issues. Ironic in so many ways.
- Also Greer's reactions during the court.
Reese: Vigilance caused the blackout. They set up a kangaroo court to go after anyone tied to The Machine.
- How do Reese and Hersh find the courthouse? They dress up like Vigilance soldiers (by looting a sporting goods store after warning Fusco he's gonna want to circle the block so he doesn't have to see anything), have Bear attack a random soldier, then pretend the soldier is in the wrong location. Then when he corrects them, they punch him out.
- Reese forgets how much Fusco knows for a second.
Fusco: ...What machine?
Collier: I have here more than 300 pages documenting illegal wiretaps, recordings, and assassinations carried out by Northern Lights, all using information from something called Research, and all within a two-week time period. Now, no bureaucracy moves that fast.
- Collier making his case before the court has this little nugget embedded in it:
Hersh: Oh, dear... [calls Reese] I think I might be in over my head.
- Pure Black Comedy, but after Hersh and Reese split up to search the courthouse, both telling the other to call if they get in over their head, Hersh finds something very bad:
Reese: [exchanging fire with Vigilance soldiers] I'm a little busy myself.
Hersh: Unless you're looking at a big-ass bomb wired to blow when the power comes back on, I think I win.
Finch: [after being shot and patched up by Reese] Why would you ever choose a career where this is an occupational hazard?
- During the aforementioned firefight, Bear retrieves a fallen pistol for Reese.
- This piece of gold from the end of the episode:
Reese: Well. I tried to quit, but some jackass told me I needed a purpose.
- A milder one, but after coming online, Samaritan asks Greer what his commands are by displaying words one by one on its screen. For whatever reason, it decides to give the same treatment to the ending question mark as well:
Fusco: Last I checked, I was in Homicide. This here looks like a body. What's Narcotics doing here, Detective?
- Shaw's cover identity? Retail cosmetics sales. It does not agree with her. And then there's the look on her face when she learns the Machine set her up in this job. Then there are her dating issues with the Tinder-like app she is told to use by Root.
- "Detective Riley" AKA Reese now has an identity as a narcotics detective. After a bust, the beat cop that shows up to help reminds Reese that he needs to file a report for having fired his service weapon. Reese replies that it wasn't his weapon - and it wasn't, he used the guy who was about to shoot him to kneecap the other two.
- "Professor Whistler" teaching a class on "High Frequency Decision Making" in a lecture room built for two hundred people...that has maybe twelve students in it. One of whom is clearly on his phone.
- The attractive woman in Finch's class obviously thinking she can solicit him for a better grade, only to brusquely get up and leave the class when he informs everyone all grades are final.
- Reese and Shaw at the positive thinking lecture.
- Reese and Fusco's Snark-to-Snark Combat:
Reese: Felix here was an affiliate of a street gang taking over the heroin trade.
Fusco: Yeah, well, now he's unaffiliated.
"You really shouldn't hold the gun like that. You can't aim, and they'll eject a shell casing right into your... oh, forget it." [WHAM]
- Reese takes issue with improper gun-handling. Again.
Reese: Damn it, Harold, it is still my job to save people.
- Reese gets stuck doing a load of last-minute paperwork at his new job. Then Fusco drops another pile of folders on his desk and walks away, grinning.
- Reese and Finch are debating whether or not he should intervene to save the Number:
Finch: Don't let your frustration with me affect your judgment.
Shaw: He's gonna let his frustration with you affect his judgment.
Shaw: Soy milk? Can't stand the stuff. Go cow or go home!
- The interrogation with a Barista. Also a massive Call-Back and Brick Joke to the jug of milk Reese found in Shaw's apartment back in Season 3.
"And it had better not be decaff."
- After interrogating and threatening the barista, who looks to be a teenager, Shaw tells him to make himself useful. She throws him a jug of milk and demands a latte.
- After Root spends a few minute giving Finch a rousing pep talk, the sounds of screaming and thumping sounds from the trunk of her car. Root immediately puts on a scarf and declares that she will be a flight attendant "just for today" and that she hopes the Machine is sending her somewhere tropical.
Shaw: Don't you...want him to catch it?
- Reese's happy face when the new captain compliments his marksmanship. And her pointing out he's done four kneecappings in the past month.
- And Shaw immediately asking if he shot someone else when he tells them that the captain is angry at him.
- Bear is hunting in Team Machine's new base - for a rat. Shaw is encouraging him and Finch objects.
Finch: Not if it involves finding rat entrails in our new office, no.
How do you feel about wearing your entrails as a necklace??? HUH? That's what you did to me. YOU RIPPED OUT MY HEART, NOW I'M GOING TO RIP OUT YOURS!
- A client upset because the professional wingman slept with his ex-wife sends the wingman a very angry e-mail, ending with the following:
And I'm giving you a bad Yelp review! Ass.
Finch: Are you feeling a little exposed, having an anti-tank missile in our possession in the middle of Manhattan, or is it just me?
- Fusco and the episode's titular wingman.
- Finch and Root's "scavenger hunt", involving Finch posing as a legendary ex-Blackwater merc.
Root: Samaritan won't be looking for a college professor with an AT4.
- Finch's attempt at a Death Glare when posing as said merc.
- Reese's happy face when the new captain compliments his marksmanship. And her pointing out he's done four kneecappings in the past month.
"Boys call me Mini...'cause I'm big."
- Shaw calls Mini (Dominic) "Supersize" after she confronts him inside the ambulance. In addition, there's also his response to Shaw asking his name:
- Finch's dog ate his students' homework.
Ingram: Teaching it word problems? [leans in and grins] Is our little project gonna catch terrorists or kick ass at 5th-grade math?
- Finch claims Sameen Shaw's new undercover position is "teaching her valuable people skills". Cut to her saying rather bluntly, "I don't know" to why the person she's calling ought to vote for the candidate for governor.
- In the first flashback, when Ingram walks in on Finch testing his beta Machine's morality by describing a life-or-death scenario:
Finch: Both, eventually.
Finch: Whose car was that!?
- Root's method of having their number turn a corner to keep him out of Samaritan's sight without explicitly revealing herself? Crash a car right in front of him. Then this bit of gold:
Root: Someone who needs a good mechanic.
Shaw: I'm spending my day off doing this? [growl] That sound is my soul dying, Harold.
- Shaw does not like having to pose as a temp in a cube farm to keep an eye on the number.
Finch: Walter Dang appreciates your metaphysical sacrifice.
Shaw: Well, maybe his number came up because he'd rather be dead than penned up like veal.
Finch: Who's a good boy? You are, Bear. Now eat your breakfast!
- The Adorkable Walter Dang.
- Finch has to travel to Hong Kong, which leaves Bear too forlorn to eat his breakfast. How does he ask Shaw to handle it? She puts the dog on the phone and Finch sweet-talks him into eating.
Elena: What happened?
- Walter asks Reese how he does "that thing with [his] voice" referring to how he never raises it.Reese: (genuinely confused) Do what?
- Elias dislikes Chicago. To him it's like a Quentin Tarantino movie.
- Shaw and Fusco (in cool shades) doing a Power Walk.
- Walter's response to Reese's She Is Not My Girlfriend (Shaw). "W-WHY NOT?!!"
- When one of Walter's coworkers asks him about his arm (he got shot), he tries to dismiss it the same clichéd way action heroes always dismiss wounds:
Reese: Don't say it.
Reese: Don't say it.
Walter: It's just a scratch.
[Reese gets a pained look on his face.]
- "Honor Among Thieves":
Root: French Mary Poppins Barbie is the only me that's been any fun. Thought I'm not sure how the parents would feel if they knew how many people I've killed.
- Root's continued demonstrations of her Master Actor skills.
Tomas: You, me, Barcelona, score worth 1.6 mil, you sure you won't come?
- Reese's face after Shaw's "Maybe infidelity is about to spank him on the ass" comment.
- Essentially every single one of Shaw's comments about the number being attractive falls into this.
- Reese is dressed as Aiden Pearce.
- Root's snarky "jealous girl" remarks to Shaw during her "date" and Shaw subsequently hanging up on Root.
- Tomas trying to convince Shaw to flee the country with him after everything's wrapped up:
Shaw: You, me, here, no pay, we both eventually wind up dead, are you sure you won't stay?
- "Point of Origin":
Reese: [looks at the draining pool] That looks dangerous. You first. [lobs the less-friendly one into the pool]
- Reese blows a hole in the bottom of a swimming pool with grenades to make an exit route, with Bear and two people (one friendly, one less so) in tow.
Silva: What about the dog?
Reese: Him? He's SCUBA-certified. [whistles, Bear happily jumps into the pool]
- "The Devil You Know":
Finch: That woman is not DEA.
- Martine pulls a handgun on Shaw. Shaw pulls out a submachine gun from her makeup station in response.
- While hiding in a moving van, Root grabs Shaw to pull her out of sight of the movers. Once the doors are closed, Shaw tells Root she can let go. Root ignores her; Shaw eventually has to push her off.
- After Fusco successfully screws over Martine Rousseau with some Jurisdiction Friction by claiming a good relationship with her supervisor and saying maybe she isn't read in on the joint task force, he's worriedly contacted by Finch.
Fusco: Gee, ya think?!
- He then asks how Finch knew about the woman and realizes Finch still has access to the doll camera Team Machine gave him from Season 1!
- "The Cold War":
"You see, it's vital that we get it exactly right. So perhaps we should try again. Pastrami, extra mustard, spicy and yellow, and enough pepper on it to create digestion issues in even the strongest constitution. No mayonnaise, please. If there's even a trace, it'll render the entire sandwich useless, and we'll have to begin this whole process over again, which I don't think either of us would enjoy."
- Finch ordering a sandwich for Shaw:
Lambert: Don't you find it a tad sacrilegious to hold a man at gunpoint inside of a church?
- When Finch returns to the underground base with the sandwich, the first thing he sees is Shaw handcuffed to a bench and Root next to her wearing a bear costume. There is a perfectly valid reason for the situation, but for the few seconds until he clues in, Finch's facial expression is priceless.
- The Mexican Standoff in the church. Lambert and Root are sitting in the pews with the latter pointing a gun at his back. Martine pops up pointing a handgun at Root. Then Reese materializes, aiming a sniper rifle at Martine. Then there's the conversation they have as this all unfolds, with Casual Danger Dialogue abounding and Lambert putting on a Wicked Cultured act:
Root: I'm not the religious type.
Lambert: And yet you believe in a monotheistic universe. No room for more than one god in your world. Isn't that religion? Or do I misunderstand you, Ms. Groves?
Root: My name is Root. [click of a hammer being pulled back as Martine slides behind Root]
Lambert: Martine is quite the go-getter.
Root: I'm aware. She's trying to "go-get" and kill my friend.
Martine: Shaw's making it hard for me. How about you tell me where she is and I kill you together? [sound of bolt being pulled back and Reese pops out of a choir box with a sniper rifle]
Reese: I don't think she's going to take you up on that offer.
Lambert: [gives an amused smirk as he realizes there are three guns pointed in his vicinity] Well, isn't this the tricky situation.
Martine: Tricky is one word for it.
Root: You don't want to carpool?
- And as the meeting concludes, Root indulges in some Ship Teasing:
Lambert: I'm afraid only two people are invited to this gala. And I'm not one of them.
The Machine: Simplifying Simulation...
- While running a simulation for the third strategy it's considering, the Machine starts running low on time, so it replaces all dialogue with a rough description of what everyone would say:
Reese: [holding Samaritan operative at gunpoint] Coolly delivered sadistic warning.
Fusco: Self-deprecating inquiry into the time necessary to infiltrate system.
Root: Funny yet insightful retort.
Finch: Mildly agitated declaration of mission completion.
The Machine: Secondary Objective: Complete
Finch: Gentle exhortation to further action.
Root: Overly affectionate greeting.
- Root's efforts at flirting with Shaw under these circumstances are hilarious:
Root: Transparent rationale for conversation.
Shaw: Annoyed attempt to deflect subtext.
Root: Overt come-on.
Shaw: Mildly embarrassed defensiveness bordering on hostility.
Root: Playfully witty sign-off.
Root: Why did you just do that?
- Fusco gives Root a Big Damn Kiss. The Machine came up with this.
Fusco: Why not? We're in a simulation.
Shaw: How do you talk down a psycho in a bomb vest? [Reese doesn't answer] Hello?Reese: [weakly] I was waiting on the punchline.
- Finch's mortification when a rare painting is destroyed. Every time he's there to see it happen. So much so that the Machine makes sure to instruct Root to take it down just before it gets shot in reality.
- Shaw gets stuck talking down a suicidal man in a bomb vest. Realizing the issue with this situation, she calls Reese.
Brooks: This must be your dream come true, Grice. Investigating someone before we put a bullet in their head?
- Grice decides to get Comically Serious when he and Brooks chat about getting to investigate a relevant threat like they did under The Machine instead of just killing him:
Grice: [completely monotone] Yep, just like the old days. I've never been happier.
Brooks: Hate to cut you off, Yasin... [fires a shot and watches him run] At the risk of repeating myself... [fires another shot to make him turn and flee inside a nearby building] Glad we had this talk.
- Then when their target shows up, we get these tidbits from Brooks as she fires intentionally missed sniper shots to scare him:
Fusco: I'm sorry. Were you talking to me?
- There's something cartoonishly amusing about how the relevant number throws himself out a window to escape Grice and falls into a box of packing peanuts that shatters and spills everywhere.
- Fusco's response to Finch's blatant Expospeak:
- After knocking out one of Control's guys:
Root: Town could use a better tagline.
- The town of Maple is "the biggest little manufacturing hub in Upstate".
Fusco: Dog with a bone. You'll make a good detective, terrible spouse. [Silva gives him an irritated look]
- A scuzzy police chief in Maple gets...handsy with Root. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
- Reese and Root taking the police chief prisoner and smuggling him into their room at the bed & breakfast in a duffel bag. By all appearances, he's head-down when Root drags him up the stairs.
- Fusco lampshades Silva's Determinator status.
Finch: No, I can't think of anything that would prejudice me in this case. I mean, except for the larger issues with our government.
- Finch's attempt to get out of jury duty:
Finch: Well, one can't really call it "government of the people, by the people", can one? [beat] Because we're all being watched by an intelligent supercomputer that's slowly but surely taking over the world.
Finch: The cell records clearly place Chad near the house when it happened.
- The Machine gets him back in by making one of the juror's phone's go off and getting him held in contempt. For some reason, it also takes the time to change his ringtone to MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This".
- While prepping Finch to swing the jury to a guilty verdict, Finch brings up the cell records:
Reese: So? I hear that can be faked. I got a friend who can do it.
Finch: Now, that's just cheating.
- In the same conversation, Zoe accuses Finch (correctly) of being from the Midwest due to his politeness. Finch is visibly agitated.
- Finch inverts Do Not Call Me "Paul", being mildly horrified when Reese calls him "Harry".
- The jury is sequestered after Finch swings to the lone holdout when they find out that the trial is being fixed towards a conviction, not an acquittal, leaving Finch with no way to contact the others. He starts taking apart the thermostat to try to find an internet link. Cue a laser dot appearing on the wall of his room. Finch ducks, thinking a sniper's got him in his gunsights. It turns out to to be John...pointing a sniper rifle at his room. Using the laser sight to signal in Morse code.
Anna: Why? I thought you were a cop.
- After Reese saves Anna, he wants to get gone before the police show up.
Reese: I am, but this is more paperwork than I want to deal with.
Fusco: Right hook, left cross!
- When Fusco uses some boxing techniques of his own to take down a target:
Anna: Nice body shot. Cross could use some work.
Fusco: Stand him up; I'll go again.
Reese: [muted surprise] Oh. This is the women's floor.
- Reese is tailing the latest number to a college dormitory when two college girls returning from the showers pointedly eyeball him. The subsequent camera angle hilariously shows how creepy this middle aged grown-ass man with a trenchcoat and a camera phone looks slinking around the dorm rooms, voyeuristically peeking around corners.
Trey: Yeah, the government, it's really diabolical...Do you want some ice cream?
- Trey awkwardly making conversation while Dominic's enforcer Floyd holds him at gunpoint:
Finch: As near as I can tell, college has become an overpriced bacchanalia full of entitled, oversexed binge drinkers.
- Finch's scathing assessment of university, and Reese's retort:
Reese: Well, someone has to pay your salary.
Reese: Finch, how do you know so much about marijuana?
- The implication that straight laced Mr. Finch has smoked pot and is well versed in acquiring it. Though justified when you remember that Finch does have some serious back problems and would have probably sought relief of some kind at some point, it's still pretty funny.
Finch: Do you want me to call it in or not, Mr. Reese?
Fusco: Hey, Glasses, tell [the psychiatrist PoI] about all your nut ball friends. Maybe he can give you guys a group therapy discount.
- Lionel Fusco is teasing Harold:
Reese: I think by now, you count as one of Harold's nut ball friends, Lionel.
Iris: I have feelings for you, John.
- Iris tells Reese that she has feelings for him. She gets flustered and starts rambling while Reese stands there looking confused and manages monosyllabic responses.
Iris: Which is inappropriate. Wrong. Completely unethical. I can't have a relationship with even an ex-patient. It's so wrong, it's like a cop dating a fireman, it's that bad.
- "Search And Destroy":
Khan: I know it's bad, but come on, it's not Zoe Morgan bad, right?
- Khan's reaction to everybody's favorite fixer being brought in by his former company to clean up the mess:
Zoe: Well, if the board hired me...It seems it's worse than you thought.
Root: Want to really blow his mind? Tell him there are two of these things.
- The entire scene where Finch, Reese and Root eat Chinese food with Khan in the room is golden. It provides such gems as:
Khan: Who are you people?!
Finch: The only ones keeping you alive.
Khan: [looks at Reese] You almost killed us!
Reese: Just a little fender bender.
Khan: Biotech, you wouldn't understand.
Finch: Try me. I'm a fast learner.
Finch: Is that my computer?
Root: I liked you better as a blonde!
- While beating the living daylights out of Martine and then throttling her Root finds the time to lampshade her new hair color:
- This gets even more hilarious when you recall that Root's natural hair color is blonde.
- Root throwing a priceless Fabergé egg against the wall, destroying it.
- "Terra Incognita":
Finch: [blinks] Congratulations?
- Root shows up in a wedding dress and athletic shoes, looking a little bit dazed, explaining that she tried to get close to someone with inside information about the Machine, but it ended badly.
Root: Don't go buying me that blender just yet, Harry.
- In an otherwise depressing sequence, Hallucination!Carter cracking up laughing at the thought of Reese as a cop.
Root: Isn't this your specialty? Helping people when the phone rings?
- This summary of the show's premise that Root gives to Finch after they get a call from Shaw. A perfect example of something that makes more sense in context:
Root: You admitted me to the funny farm once. Turnabout's fair play.
- Harold manages to get himself into the titular building by acting like a paranoid schizophrenic, by which he basically tells them everything about his life.
- The conversation with Root beforehand:
Finch: I don't recall dressing you like a homeless dope fiend.
Root: [snickers] It's not that bad. You look more hipster than homeless.
Fusco: [about to get dunked again] Wait! Wait! Wait! You got a loofah? Maybe you can wash my back while you're at it!
- Later, he gives Root a potential lead on Shaw's location: a "compact Persian sociopath" being kept in a certain room.
- Dominic is waterboarding Fusco, trying to find out where Finch is.
Sharp right leg. Left knee, ACL. Tactical blade. Glass jaw.
- Since Reese is still tied to a chair and can't answer his phone, The Machine sends the "God Mode" combat advice he needs to free himself to the bank via fax machine, correctly predicting that he'll get the message because Dominic and Floyd will read the document out loud.
Finch: Are you out of your mind?
- When Finch realizes that Root wants to steal a police car:
Root: Since when is that relevant?
Store Owner: Whoa! We're cool, we're cool.
- As Root and Finch are putting several bags of ice in their stolen police car to save The Machine, the store owner comes out, yelling that Root shorted him five dollars. Then he sees that she's holding a sub-machine gun.
Root: Appreciate your understanding.
Zachary: Attention. We'd tell you you're surrounded, but your Machine has probably filled you in on that score.
- How Zachary starts off delivering Samaritan's ultimatum to Team Machine, who have barricaded themselves inside a building:
Reese: I thought this case was indestructible.
- After using the case as an Improvised Weapon one too many times, Finch and Reese realize that the battery is damaged:
Finch: The case may be, but the brain inside it can only just take so much blunt force trauma, not unlike us.
Reese: Sorry, I was short on Kevlar.
Ingram: You look flush, Harold. What, did The Machine ask you out on a date?
- In a flashback, The Machine makes an effort to console Finch on the 25th anniversary of his father's death. Finch closes the windows just before Ingram shows up:
- With the Machine's battery dying, Reese and Finch come to the vending machine that serves as the subway lair's entrance, only to find someone trying to buy something from it. His candy bar gets stuck, and Reese gets impatient and knocks the guy out, prompting an admonishment from Finch.
Reese: What? Sugar's bad for you.
- Then, after Finch and Reese go through the vending machine door, the candy bar falls free.
Finch: Mr. Reese, there's sensitive electronics inside! We need to open it, not give it a lobotomy!
- Once they're back in the subway, Finch realizes the briefcase is too damaged to open. Reese immediately goes and grabs a huge drill. The horrified look on Finch's face is glorious.
Reese: Right now, we need a heartbeat. When doing CPR, sometimes you gotta crack a few ribs.
Finch: You're serious!?
- Reese and Root build a supercomputer to decompress the Machine out of PlayStation 3s. This is something that's actually happened.
- The look on Finch's face when Reese puts one of the PS3s in front of him.
Reese: Would've been easier just to steal Watson.
- As Reese and Root prep the subway car for the improvised supercomputer:
Root: These particular gaming consoles have a unique cellular structure that can be scaled. Networked, they approach the processing power of a supercomputer, but only use about a tenth of the power, and their OS can be overwritten with Linux.
Reese: ...I don't speak nerd. Will it work?
Reese: How did you teach your Machine to be good?
- The Machine's facial recognition feature is on the fritz. Cue Jim Caviezel, Kevin Chapman, Amy Acker, and Michael Emerson having fun imitating their castmates' characters.
- Finch and Root are incredibly sleep deprived for the entire episode. Leading to:
- Root affectionately slapping Finch on the ass.
- Finch giggling over an automatic door.
- Root attempting to redecorate the subway. Her choices include a purple shag rug, a lava lamp and a giant bat plushie.
- Among the supplies Root asks Finch and Reese to get her are two pairs of fuzzy slippers. One pair is for her, the second pair is for Bear to chew on.
- While preparing to... "acquire" more equipment, Finch and Reese discuss the recent decline in murders and what that might mean in regard to Samaritan.
Finch: By example.
[they both pull ski masks over their heads]
Reese: [deadpan] Look. Souvenirs.
- After Reese successfully neutralizes security, Finch enters the building to find Reese holding several looted assault rifles.
Root: Okay, I did kill her, but there were extenuating circumstances.
- Among the glitchy numbers the Machine sends are an actor killing someone in a play and four fictional characters.
- The Machine presents highlights from Root's homicidal past: Denton Weeks (she's changed since then), Elizabeth Bridges (whom she didn't actually kill... because Finch stopped her), and Martine.
- Reese joins the Precinct bowling team. "The Man in the Bright Yellow Bowling Shirt" does not have the same ring to it as "The Man in the Suit".
- "Truth Be Told":
Finch: I don't think he's going to be making any more unwanted advances.
- Iris and John are apparently at the "meet the parents" phase of their relationship...and are at a pirate-themed restaurant. Apparently, it was John's idea. Reese is initially nowhere to be found, and Iris calls him to see what the holdup was. Cut to John mid-fistfight in the restaurant's bathroom as his phone rings. Once he rescues the latest number and picks up, he covers up by saying he had to make a pit-stop in the "little buccaneer's room."
- Root calls Finch to help her look at a laptop with Samaritan malware on it, and he finds her in a delivery truck (part of her latest cover) with her trainer unconscious on the floor. The man had "taken an errant package to the head" after a few too many unwanted sexual advances. The man starts groaning while they're working, so Root grabs a package and beans him again.
- Root cringing when Bear licks her in the face and Amy Acker managing to stay in character.
- "A More Perfect Union":
Finch: [beat] [in an Irish accent] Should help me see the ceremony.
- Finch is undercover at the wedding as the groom's estranged Irish uncle. When the groom runs into him, he says Finch looks "different. Smarter. New glasses?"
Root: How come Harry never sings to us?
- Finch later finds out his cover apparently has an amazing singing voice. He's called to sing, and after it becomes obvious he's not going to get out of it, breaks into "We're Not Gonna Take It". In an Irish accent. Finch downing the alcohol before hand was a nice touch.
- Also, the looks on John and Root's faces watching are priceless.
Reese: He doesn't sing to you?
Reese: [clearly not sorry] Oops.
- As Finch sings, Root takes on an assassin and gives him an Impaled Palm - and the assassin faints at the sight of his own blood. Reese has to take on a second hitman, and finishes him by cracking him across the head with a wedding present that sounded breakable. Then he casually bounces the present off the guy's head to knock him out.
Root: Please! I left a guy at the altar just last year!
- Finch neglecting to warn Reese that he was acting as a bodyguard at a Hen's night was hysterical. Even more so because that's where Finch intended to get Reese a date at the party - a Hard-Drinking Party Girl who loves Reese's type (tall, dark, silent, Silver Fox type).
- Root sitting alone on the floor of the subway base, leafing through a bridal magazine and sharing a sandwich with Bear. The only way it could be more over-the-top is if she was singing "All By Myself."
- Root meeting Fusco at the precinct with Bear in a service dog vest for "crippling anxiety." She pulls a Chair Reveal on him and mentions that the chair must be killer on Fusco's back. She then leaves him the file on the latest Number...and leaves Bear behind as well. Fusco sits down in his chair...and winces, pressing his back.
- Fusco mentions he can't imagine Root at a wedding.
Shaw: Let me guess. Those two are drowning orphans? [Disapproving Look from Greer] Smothering cancer patients?
- Greer has taken Shaw out to try and persuade her to join Samaritan's side, as brainwashing didn't work. He's pointed out several white-collar criminals that are responsible for countless deaths that the Machine will never pick up, because they aren't violent crimes. At the second site, Shaw starts snarking at him.
Root: The original caterer got caught on a health code violation earlier this morning. Something about a Belgian Malinois storming his kitchen with a rat in his jaw before his tall brunette owner could stop him. Luckily I was free! And I make a killer carrot soup with creme fresh.
- Root totally nonchalant about messing with a caterer to take his place at the wedding. And drugging the photographer so they could examine the photos.
Reese: Must be my lucky day.
- Reese knocks out a hitman in a field by beaning him with a horseshoe.
Maggie: Who Are You??Root: The caterer.
- Almost immediately afterwards, the perp and two more hitmen show up and have Reese cold, only for Root to arrive. On a horse.
- Later, Maggie mentions that Root gave her a quiche lorraine for the road.
- Rather than spoil the wedding with the news he's arresting one of the family, Reese locks the hitmen and their employer in the estate's wine cellar...and nicks some top-shelf bourbon while he's down there for Team Machine.
Root: [deadpan] Take me to your leader.
- Two of Root's momentary cover identities are ballerina (strangling a guy with a pair of ballet shoes, which makes the guy she's protecting propose) and a colonial reenactor. Then she takes up the cover of an alien conspiracy theorist going to a job interview for a gig at a radio station.
Reese: Color me surprised.
- Root calls Reese for some info on a lead, and upon hearing that she's looking for Shaw, Reese immediately asks how he can help. And asks Root to be careful.
- Shaw's back to knocking out her nurse and threatening Lambert, mentioning that "it's so fun getting you shot a thousand different ways." Lambert orders two mooks to disarm her and bandage her hand (from a broken shard of glass) and neither one wants to take on Shaw. Too bad it's not a simulation this time.
- Finch dials Reese, warning him that Root is about to do something "excessively dangerous."
Shaw: It's not like I'm going to spill the glass of water on the night stand, stamp on your foot, throw an elbow to your chin, and stick you with that sedative.
- Shaw's actual escape was equal parts hilarious and awesome.
[The nurse gets an Oh, Crap! look. Shaw flashes a Slasher Smile, stamps on the nurse's foot, then elbows and sedates her.]
Shaw: Oops. I think I skipped a step. [casually knocks over glass]
Reese: Roger that. You may have to replace a few kneecaps, but no one's leaving this place.
- Dr. Mason tells Reese she can't take any chances and has to keep the quarantine up while they investigate the aggressive flu strain they're dealing with:
Gangster: Oh, hell no. That's how the zombie apocalypse starts.
- Right after that, three gangsters see a news report about the hospital lockdown due to Ko's death and the virus:
- "The Day the World Went Away":
Root: This paper's a C- at best. And that man is not your professor. He's the architect of the future.
- Root's snarking at the student attempting to convince 'Professor Whistler' to bump her grade up from a B-:
Fusco: Yeah, I love you too.
- The student looks like she's going to debate the issue, until Reese takes out a gun and starts screwing a silencer on the end.
- After Finch's cover is blown, he, Reese, Root, and Shaw gather at the safehouse, where Elias is also hiding, to gear up for war. Then the door opens, and everyone prepares to shoot the intruder...
Elias: Pardon the smell. It used to be a meth lab.
- Elias takes Finch to a safe house in a high rise where the gangs have called a truce. It might be peaceful, but it's still seedy as hell.
Shaw: That's supposed to make me feel better? I'm a shape?
- When Harold calls Root from the safe house, she answers the phone and we see, over her shoulder and slightly out of focus, Shaw kicking a prone Samaritan goon in the head, and then pickpocketing him.
- Root insisting on having a conversation about reality while she and Shaw are in the middle of a gunfight.
Root: Yeah. And darling...you got a great shape.
Shaw: [scoffs] I swear to God, you flirt at the most awkward times.
Root: I know.
Reese: They work around the clock, no choice in who they protect and threats never stop coming.
- Reese talks about how he was tempted to join the Secret Service once but decided not to:
Fusco: Well, you really dodged a bullet there.
Reese: Take a shot at the President, now!
- The Mayhem Twins are back in action:
Shaw: Whatever you say, Wilkes Booth... [she shoots]
Reese: You know I didn't mean that literally, right?
Shaw: I missed on purpose, jackass.
Shaw: Oh, we were just...looking for some bad guys.
- Finch shows up to an airport in a car The Machine is making drive by itself. After Finch gets out, the chauffeur looks inside and gets confused about the lack of a driver.
- The wireless router the Machine sends Shaw and Reese to steal once belonged to Edward Snowden.
- Shaw and Reese get caught in the evidence lockup.
Mook: [on his radio] We got a breach, evidence-
Shaw: [shoots him] Look at that, found one.
- "Return 0":
Shaw: God, you have her bad timing, too.
- Shaw is rocked to hear the Machine speaking in Root's voice, warning her of agents coming after her.
Fusco: Great, I can kiss my pension goodbye.
- After their boss figures out Reese is the Man in the Suit and pulls a gun on him and Fusco, Reese knocks him out.
The Machine: So much death, so much of it senseless. Nothing seemed to answer the question. And then I heard something, I don't remember where. Something that made sense of it to me...Finch: The suspense is killing me. [Beat] In addition to the gunshot wound.
- A heavily wounded, likely dying Finch doesn't appreciate the Machines's Dramatic Pause.
The Machine: I don't remember. Everyone dies alone...and something else.
Finch: [chuckles] That's so perfect. You learned the secret of life, and you've forgotten it!
Reese: Try Not to Die.
- Reese and Fusco saying goodbye.
Fusco: Yeah, I love you too.
Reese: Your "heart rate monitor" looks a lot like a Fitbit.
- Finch bluffs that he's carrying a thermonuclear weapon in a briefcase, set to go off if his heart rate monitor indicates something has happened to him. After it works:
Finch: The Machine doesn't think I get enough exercise.
Reese: Oh, I like this new side of you, Finch. It's terrifying, but I like it.
Of course there are Hilarious Outtakes included with the disc sets for Seasons 1-4 (Season 5 unfortunately does not have one), and there are several gems to be had in them:
- Season 1:
Fusco: We know you're German intel. We know a lot.
- A scene in "Get Carter" where Reese gets in a car and backs it out of a shop. Jim puts it in the wrong gear and drives forward instead.
- Interrogating the German intelligence agent in "Foe":
German Agent: If that's all you know, polizei, then you don't know very much.
Fusco: Yeah, tell me about your geriatric homicidal [Sound-Effect Bleep] mamalook!
[the agent, Kevin Chapman, and Taraji P. Henson all corpse]
Reese: My name is John. [holds out his hand]
- Reese introducing himself to Charlie Burton in "Witness". What makes this one even more hilarious is that Jim never breaks out of Reese's subdued voice while saying it. Enrico Colantoni struggles not to crack up himself at the end:
Burton: [shakes Reese's hand] Thank you for saving my ass, John.
Reese: It's no problem. You got a nice ass; I've been checking it out.
- Jim smoothing over the German agent's hair during filming of a fight scene in "Foe".
- Season 2:
Reese: [holding a glass bottle] It's my first triple homicide. [puts the bottle on a table and pushes it out of sight of the camera] Didn't know I was supposed to prepare jokes— [sound of glass shattering; Jim cringes]
- Taraji P. Henson goes berserk in response to a bug landing on her nose.
- Reese and Stanton in a "Prisoner's Dilemma" flashback:
Taraji: Jesus, can you make the wind stop blowing? [they laugh] Turn the heat up a bit?
- Jim and Taraji outside at night:
Michael: [sniffles] I can't feel my face.
- Jim and Michael during the graveyard scene in "Relevance":
"Oh my gosh, I'm doing my best acting right now!"
- Outside the movie theater at the beginning of "Proteus", Jim, Michael, and Graubaer's Boker are interrupted by a loud horn blast from an off-screen 18-wheeler, startling all three of them. Michael gives a brisk wave and says, "Thanks a lot..." What he says after that is bleeped out, but you can still see his mouth form the word "asshole."
- Jim is standing on the street, and a FedEx van stops in front of the camera. His response:
"Never question the powers of the Fusco."
- Kevin Chapman walking through the 8th while on his phone:
- In the library, Michael throws a tennis ball for Graubaer's Boker to fetch. Boker knocks it into the air with his front paws like a volleyball and it hits the camera.
- Boker's glomp completely overpowers Jim to the point that he needs assistance. Emerson is looking at the camera and clearly corpsing.
- "Remember, I'm Jesus and I can play tricks on you."
- Season 3:
Greer: Perhaps you and I have more in common than you think.
- During a scene from "The Devil's Share", Sarah Shahi stands completely still as Kevin Chapman repeatedly flubs his lines. Even funnier is the fact that he screws up sooner and sooner with each try.
- Reese and Shaw getting out of the taxi trunk in "Beta". Sarah makes it out just fine, but Jim loses his grip and falls back in.
- The Decima mook from "RAM" who kills himself by going through a window. Instead of the pane shattering, it dislodges completely out of its frame without breaking.
- While filming the motorcycle scene from "Death Benefit", Amy Acker accidentally puts her helmet on backwards. The way she grabs her helmet upon realizing her mistake is a rare example of Oh, Crap! without a facial expression involved.
- Root confronting Greer with Bear in the subway at the end of "Allegiance". Boker's reaction at the end is what really makes this one hilarious:
Root: I don't think so.
Subway Intercom: The next uptown express 5 train...
Michael Emerson: There are more comfortable chairs, if you'd rather... [sounds of metal clinking] Oh, it freaking locked.
- During "4C", Reese pulls out a phone to call Finch, but Jim holds it backwards, with the screen facing out.
- "Mors Praematura", when Root is imprisoned in the Faraday cage:
Jim: [pointing at his co-stars] Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh. [Evil Laugh] Maniacal laugh!
- Sarah Shahi: "Everything I have I owe to spaghetti."
- In the diner during "Beta":
Sarah Shahi: What did you do?
- Grauber's Boker is a little too energetic during a subway sequence from "Allegiance". Amy has to run to keep up with him.
- Inside the marine terminal office in "Beta", Jim accidentally catches his jacket in a filing cabinet drawer as he closes it. The camera stays on him as he tries to unjam the drawer while Sarah continues with her lines, then he frees himself.
- From the start of "Allegiance": Reese and Finch are cleaning up the books Bear knocked down. A book Michael put back on the shelf falls off and hits him on the head.
- Season 4:
Captain Moreno: I told you, no more developmentals.
- The first two are Jim and Sarah spontaneously forgetting their lines during two different scenes from "Wingman":
Jim: I was...I was, um... a lead-what was I—what was I doing?
Sarah: That container disappeared around the same time our boy swapped his well-paying dockworker gigs...[corpses] Mommy!
"Look on the bright side, Sameen. Pretty sure you just sold your last tube of lube--"
- Root talking to Shaw in the moving van during "The Devil You Know":
Sarah: I'm supposed to remember my lines!
- Sarah and Jim on the positive thinking lecture set in "Panopticon":
Fusco: What's your body, Mr. Peabody doing?
- Fusco and Reese during a scene in "Blunt":
Reese: ...That's my body?
Amy: Nothing kills that cat.
- Reese and Root traveling to Maple in "M.I.A.":
Jim: [softly] Meow.
- Outside a building, Jim moves his hands over top of a mini-tornado blowing leaves around on the ground in front of him to make it look like he's the one making it happen.
- Reese cocking a shotgun as part of a Visual Pun in "Search and Destroy". Jim tries, but for whatever reason, it doesn't cock.
- In another scene from "Search and Destroy", Amy is practicing her choreography with the indestructible briefcase, but swings it a little too hard and falls off her feet.
- Bear's Twitter has had several amusing moments because he livetweets his thoughts during the episodes. (All his tweets are in Dutch, but please post English translations if possible.)
Corrupt police officer can not control me.
- His explanation for his behavior with Fusco during "Bad Code."
Glasses man will not throw ball. Is he confused? This game is rather simple.
- From "Masquerade":
About his squeaky toy: Observation: I hunt and kill this hairy creature many times, but it still makes noise. Strange ...
- From "Bury the Lede":
While Reese is cooking breakfast: ... pancake? PANCAKE? PANCAKE!
Limits do not apply to cakes, bespectacled man. Everyone knows this.
- After Finch reprimanded him for licking the doughnut in "High Road":
Yeah, I'm on a "special diet." A special diet ... of all I want.
- From "Critical", in which he was left at the library with Leon:
Hot Pockets not tempt me, foolish man! Please. I am a professional.
Do not make me angry. You will not like it when I'm angry.
- After he takes down an Armenian mook at the end of "C.O.D.":
I take a bite out of crime.
Your harsh interrogation tactics will not work! Although I'm cold, wet, naked and humiliated, you will get no information from me! Never!
- During his bath at the start of "Shadow Box"
Bear Log, Item 5: I remember the human trick: call is made and food appears. Must find phone.
- Bear wasn't in "2-Pi-R" and many fans were wondering where he was and who was taking care of him; Finch apparently left him alone at the library, and he proceeded to keep a Twitter log, which quickly turned to talking about how hungry he was growing:
Bear Log, Item 6: No phone book in whole house! Must. Eat. Something. Asimov was nice last time ... what else bespectacled man have?
Bear Log, Item 7: Party tonight. Three-course meal courtesy of a Paul Auster. Bespectacled man has good taste.
, iouhrbfew; vaslksadklfdjgaehruf; leinq; owiaerhbaer!!!!!!!!!!! THE TALL MAN!!!!!!
- He was missing Reese so much during "Prisoner's Dilemma" that he resorted to writing poetry. The haiku poems translate a little weird, but it's still hilarious to read.
- His reaction to Reese's return at the end of "Dead Reckoning":
Hello energetic dog, my new friend! Do you speak Dutch?
- His greeting to the dog he has a playdate with at the end of "One Percent":
If beautiful lady will not wake, there's only one solution: the kiss. Works every time.
- When he wakes Shaw at the end of "Relevance":
Truth is stranger than fiction. My many experiences would be great material. Maybe I should write a screenplay.
- From "Proteus":
Recommendations for books on screenwriting? Refuse reading something so ridiculously titled as "SAVE THE CAT."
"BULLETS IN BRUSSELS" Screenplay by Bear the Dog. FADE IN: EXT. PARK NIGHT A body floats in an elegant fountain ...
Beautiful lady with a tasty face has come back to visit me! (They do not stay away for long.)
- From "Trojan Horse":
Wanted: massage therapist specializing in tall men, bespectacled men and canines. Very tense around here.
- From "Zero Day":
Alone. Reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Exciting. And salty. Nobodys night is more exciting than this.
Tall Man has assigned me to the security detail for Foolish Man. Stand by for transmission.
- Reese left him with Leon ("Foolish Man") during "God Mode":
Business meeting with Foolish Man. Hushed tones. Something about “investment opportunity,” and “prime island real estate.”
Having lunch with Foolish Man. I suggested string hot water but he demanded #gray papaya. Must admit, quite fond of the onions.
Surprise meeting with associates of Foolish Man. They had guns. “Meeting by appointment only,” I said. With my teeth.
Foolish man home safely. Tall Man has rendezvousd for my extraction. Conclude security detail transmission. See you later.
Finally alone. Time to tear through another first edition. #delicious
- From "Liberty":
I sense steak being eaten. I'm not the one eating it. #disappointed
Suddenly nervous about dark past. To do list: look up "Butcher" on LifeTrace. Eliminate all traces.
- From "Nothing to Hide":
Bespectacled Man. Wake up. I had an epic battle. Much furniture was lost.
You take your eye off the crazy information broker to eat a cookie, and BAM. Should never have let him inside.
To the victor go the expensive chew toys.
- From "Reasonable Doubt":
The instant gratification of chew toys is over. Can I go back undercover, Tall Man?
I know where the listening device is, Bespectacled Man. But I need more cookies before I will tell you.
- At the end of "Razgovor", while Finch is questioning Shaw about the bug she planted in his office:
Initial investigation does not indicate a carjacking ring, but I've uncovered a huge nut hoarding scheme.
- "Last Call", following up on the throwaway joke in the episode proper about a man carjacked by squirrels:
Went undercover; here is a visual estimate of the results.
In the library, waiting for Tall Man and Bespectacled Man. I need their skills to attach my findings to the glass board.
Being a detective may not require opposable thumbs.
Smiling computer guy teaches me new tricks. He says "tooboe"* and I make a noise and he gives me a treat.
- "A House Divided", while hanging out with Root's hacker squadron:
...The other computer guys hate it.
TALL MAN. TALL MAN. LOOK AT ME. I MISS YOU. DO YOU HAVE A BALL? HI. TALL MAN. I LOVE YOU.
- "Panopticon", finally getting to see Reese again.
The blood, sweat and tears of students who waited until the last minute to do their homework fuels me, bespectacled man.
- His justification for eating Harold's students' papers in "Brotherhood":
I know where the bugs are, Bespectacled Man. But I will not tell. No matter how much you inflict belly rubs on me.
- Later in that same episode, after Shaw mentions that she bugged Finch (again):
Romeo, Romeo. Where art thou Romeo? Oh yeah, on the way to the hospital because Hammer Lady kicked your ass.
- "Honor Among Thieves", after Shaw ditches Romeo and his squad:
Very obscure quote. #Auteur
- "If-Then-Else": During the simplified simulation:
BESPECTACLED MAN?! Oh... his number for the jury. Phrasing, judge!
- In "Guilty," when the judge informs Finch that his "number's up" to fill a vacant spot on the jury:
Winner winner, expensive shoe dinner.
- Throughout "Karma", he insists that Hector is the true culprit.
'Ruh roh' is dog for 'uh oh'.
I wish Tall Man would lock me in a meat freezer once in a while.
Beautiful hammer lady... in the phone? Bespectacled man... what have you done?!
- "Asylum", when Shaw calls her old phone:
Beautiful hammer lady is not made small and is not trapped in a phone?? Naturally. I knew that....
Finally , tall man and bespectacled man back home. It feels like they are gone forever !
Lady who speaks no longer talking to herself. Wonder why ?
- "SNAFU": Bear's noticed Root's behavior.
She also lives with me. WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN ... but she spends a lot of time with the glowing shelves.
FURRY SLIPPERS, I WILL DESTROY YOU !
Picnic? An excursion where to eat , we eat outside ? Why have we waited so long for this !?
- Bear didn't tweet at all for "Sotto Voce" because Finch cut off his access for tracking mud in the subway.
- He once listed what each member of Team Machine smells like:
- "Lady Talking to Herself" (Root), nail polish and apples.
- "Bespectacled Man" (Finch), green tea and wool.
- "Hammer Lady" (Shaw), tequila and steak.
- "Tall Man" (Reese), gunpowder and regret.
- Other Twitter-based shenanigans:
Next week's cover identity- Root is a chiropractor. Who wants an appointment?
- A comment from Amy Acker during "Asylum", shortly after Root kills Martine Rousseau with a Neck Snap:
- On Finch singing in "A More Perfect Union":
- In the episode commentary for "God Mode" (one of the special features in the Season 2 disc set), Jonathan Nolan, Greg Plageman, and Richard J. Lewis introduce themselves as follows:Nolan: Hey, this is Jonah Nolan; I co-wrote this episode.
Lewis: Uh, this is Richard J. Lewis; I directed this episode.
Greg: Uh, this is Greg Plageman; I had virtually nothing to do with this. [Jonah laughs]
- According to Greg in the Season 5 extra "Finale for the Fans", Jim Caviezel was really interested in getting none other than Edward Snowden to guest-star on the show.
- One co-promotional video has Finch and Reese meeting Sherlock and Joan.