Funny / Perry Mason

• One of the opening sequences has Perry walking into an empty courtroom and looking around in seeming confusion before sitting down at his desk. It's like he's wondering if he went to the right room or something.
• In one episode, Perry's arch-foe, Hamilton Burger, actually comes to him for help. It seems Hamilton's old friend (who once saved his life) is on trial for a murder that Hamilton knows he's innocent of. Unable to work the case himself because of their friendship, Burger asks Perry to defend the man.
  Perry: I'll defend the man, Hamilton, despite the fact he saved your life.
  • Even better is during the trial when the D.A. is making good moves against Perry's client and Hamilton is seen in the gallery cursing each one and wishing Perry would give this guy the same treatment he gives Hamilton.
• "The Case of the Baited Hook"
  Tragg: When did you last see Tydings, Mrs. Leeds?
  Abigail Leeds: A couple of days ago at his office.
  Tragg: Did you threaten him?
  Abigail Leeds: Threaten him? If I'd had a horsewhip, I'd have thrashed him.
  Tragg: Why?
  Abigail Leeds: Because he's a cheap, dirty crook with sticky fingers. Whoever murdered him did a civic service.
  Tragg: I didn't say he was murdered.
  Abigail Leeds: If he wasn't, then why are you wasting the taxpayers' money? If you're hard-pressed for suspects, put me on your list. I'll be in good company.
• "The Case of the Fan-Dancer's Horse"
  • Perry Mason has woken up Paul Drake with a late-night phone call:
    Mason: And, Paul, I have one other job for you. I want you to find a horse.
    Drake: A horse? Perry, for the love of Pete!
    Mason: A 7-year-old palomino quarter horse.
    Drake: (Exasperated) Why don't you go to bed like everyone else? (beat) Okay. It's a 7-year-old palomino quarter horse. Whatever that means.
  • Perry has visited one of the two "Lois Fenton"s, the one acting as a Fan Dancer. The entire conversation is full of innuendo:
    Lois: (Dressed in a way that shows off her legs) I always like my friends to see as much of me as possible.

    Lois: Oh, he kept insisting that you had [found the horse], and that the fans were just a— heh. A cover-up.
    Mason: How was [Callender's] health when you left?
    Lois: Oh, he was flexing all sorts of muscles.
• "The Case of the Sun Bather's Diary"
  Arlene: (in only a towel, calling Mason over the phone after her trailer was stolen) I don't know how much your secretary's told you.
  Mason: Just the bare facts.

  Della: (on phone with Arlene, taking her measurements to get her some emergency clothing that fits) All right, we'll start from the top. (Perry looks up, interested.) What size... (She shoots him a look) ...shoes?
• "The Case of the Daring Decoy"
  Perry Mason: Miss Jordan [the elevator operator], you say you were reading a book when you took the defendant to the seventh floor?
  Miss Jordan: That's right.
  Mason: What was the name of this book?
  Miss Jordan: You Could Die Laughing.
  (Audience and jury laughs)
  • Bonus: You Can Die Laughing is the name of another Erle Stanley Gardner book.
• "The Case of the Hesitant Hostess"
  Paul Drake: Martha Rayburn fired you the night of April 16th.
  Inez Kaylor: Indeed, she did.
  Drake: Then she was at the ballroom.
  Inez: Well, she didn't relieve me of my duties by mental telepathy.
• "The Case of the Screaming Woman"
  (Mary K. Davis is a "reporter" akin to Rita Skeeter, who will seize on any piece of malodorous information and blow it up into controversy. She's talking with her lawyer.)
  Mary K. Davis: I think you're more interested in that book than you are in me.
  Jarech: I don't know where you get your ideas. I told you Dr. Barnes agreed to meet us here.
  Mary: You've told me a lot of things in the last five years. Any resemblance to the truth is purely accidental.
• "The Case of the Corresponding Corpse"
  Perry Mason: Well, what makes you think Miss Whittaker killed him?
  Laura Beaumont: All you have to do is read the newspapers.
  Mason: Fortunately, juries demand a little more proof than reporters.
  Laura: Naturally, you'd say that.
• "The Case of the Jilted Jockey": A small Escalating War starts.
  Perry Mason: I thought we all might go to the track today. I'm curious to see how Tic Barton rides Bright Magic.
  Della Street: What seats do you have?
  Perry: Section E.
  Della: It just so happens that I have three seats here, section B.
  Perry: (drops his tickets on the table, takes Della's) Well, we'll use yours. They're better.
  Paul Drake: All right. Hold it. We'll use mine. (whips out tickets with a flourish from suit pocket) Box seats on the finish line.
• "The Case of the Lost Last Act":
  Burger: The content of the play has nothing to do with our murder case.
  Mason: Has Mr. Burger read the play?
  Burger: Yes, Mr. Burger has. And if he may quote Shakespeare, It is a "tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."
• "The Case of the Deadly Double": One of the clues at the murder scene is a purse with the suspect's initials on it. Paul picks this up and Tragg walks in.
  Perry. Well, come in, Lt. Tragg. We were just about to phone you.
  Lt. Tragg. I bet. I'm surprised, Mason. A fashion plate like you in the company of anyone improperly attired. (Paul is still holding Joyce's black purse)
  Perry. Yeah, I see what you mean, black bag, brown jacket. Well, some people just have no taste.
  Tragg. Exactly. No private detective would be carrying an evening bag when dressed for the afternoon. Not even an ex private detective. (Paul looks guilty)
  Paul. Now wait just a minute. Perry can explain everything.
  Tragg Yes, I'm sure he can. (Huge coincidence or a subtext gag about Burr being gay? You decide.) (Entire summary here.)
• One episode involves Perry and Paul flushing out the culprit of a murder by setting the garbage can outside of his house on fire. Cue The Tag when they're celebrating the won case in a sushi restaurant, and Perry gets a telegram. It's a citation from Hamilton Burger for burning trash without a permit.
• In the episode "The Case of the Shapely Shadow," Perry manages to get Burger to completely lose his temper with one simple word...
  Hamilton Burger: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Mr. Mason has indeed surpassed himself. He has created for you a story which is pure poppycock! Absolute and complete nonsense. The defendant in this case is a shrewd, scheming woman. She seduced her employer, she stole from him, and finally she murdered him. And as for Mr. Mason's ridiculous theory about a hose, this is an abandoned real estate office we're talking about. The water's been shut off there for over a year. How could anyone possibly...
  Perry Mason: Your honor, the District Attorney is stating facts not in evidence. Since he lost the opportunity to get these matters in legitimately, in rebuttal, he is now trying to do it through prejudicial misconduct. I ask the court to declare a mistrial.
  Hamilton Burger:(roaring with anger) A MISTRIAL?!?!? How can you...
  Judge: Mr. Burger, Mr. Mason's point is well taken...