- For other Funny Moments in Outside Xbox/Xtra, go here.
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Story 1: "The Spicy Rat Caper"
- The crew play characters not entirely dissimilar from themselves, as a commenter summarises:
- Luke's rendition of the lullaby his orc bard's older sister used to sing to him becomes a Running Gag.Luke: It is what we humans call 'The Vengabus'.
- Jane's character is specified to serve Cthulhu. The team views this as an advantage because at least they know she's untrustworthy, unlike Andy's character, who is Completely Trustworthy (TM).
- Despite being an Obviously Evil devil-woman in an unholy pact with Cthulhu, "Prudence" seems to have the personality of a stroppy teenager.Jane: [After an argument between her character and Luke's] I remain huffy.
- Despite being an Obviously Evil devil-woman in an unholy pact with Cthulhu, "Prudence" seems to have the personality of a stroppy teenager.
- The entire digression on animal bums. It only barely makes sense in context.
- Luke is heartbroken to learn that Ellen's character's cat passed away and is not going to be the team pet. There's even a cat picture in monochrome with "RIP Simon" on it.Ellen: When little Simon passed away, [her character] learned her first...
Jane: Resurrection spell.
(the table breaks out in laughter)
Andy: You know, Cthulhu can sort that right out. Just saying.
Johnny: A bit tentacley, but...
- Johnny Choidini, the DM, takes a moment to award Luke the prize for Saddest Backstory. It's a close-run thing, since the only person without a tragic backstory is Andy, and his backstory is deliberately kept secret!
- The kingdom they're in is named Geth, because Johnny panicked when he realised he needed a kingdom name.
- Andy's character justifies teaming up with the others:Andy: I'm good at adventuring, but I lack the necessary Vengabus skills.
- Yep, this is pretty much how D&D usually goes.Johnny: We're five minutes in, and already you're charming your employer to let you talk to a rat.
- Luke briefly considers using his Prestidigation skill to conjure up a 2D, odourless visual impression of the employer's missing son to try and con him out of the fee he's offering them.Johnny: It's gonna be a short game...
- Ellen's ritual contains "magical leaf-type special effects".
- The entire saga of the spicy rat.
- Andy's character has sea legs. Also sea eyes, sea hands...
- Andy's first attempt at stealthily nicking the old peasant woman's gold. It's a basic stealth-rogue move. Thanks to a very low dice roll, it goes incredibly wrong.
- The only member of the crew not playing the game is Mike. It is revealed that the market seller whose potions are causing the trouble is a certain M. Channail. Hmmmm...
- When we finally meet him in part three, "Channail" appears to have lots of explosive spells, reveals he is saving up his gold so he can buy an expensive "sports chariot", and the group eventually deals with his lair by blowing it up in a massive fireball. Hmmmmmm...
- In part 2, when Luke is talking about how he's not playing the lullaby while casting hideous laughter because it's so deep and meaningful to him, Andy starts playing the Vengabus on his phone. Luke is not amused. Ellen is.
- The trigger Luke actually uses for Hideous Laughter is a bad knock-knock joke.
- Jane gets a little casual with collateral damage with Eldritch Blast. This pleases the powers of darkness.[picture of Cthulhu with a "NICE" speech bubble added]
Luke: (sarcastically) Well, I'm glad Cthulhu's pleased!
- The entire encounter, which they were trying to clear non-lethally. To wit, after Luke's character incapacitates a clerk with hideous laughter, he goes to beat a guard to near unconsciousness. Then the rest of the team springs into action, with Andy's character tying up the incapacitated clerk, Ellen's character failing to hit the guard's knee with an arrow, at which point Jane's character hits the guard with Eldritch Blast for maximum damage (complete with apocalyptic music). Andy acts out his character's reaction to this, wondering where the guard has gone, if he's going to raise the alarm, and why there is a red smear on the floor.
- Jane mimes an eldritch blast to intimidate something, but ends up looking like she's juggling instead.
- When they discuss whether to spare a captive, Johnny pipes up:Johnny: (as the captive) You know I can hear you...
- Luke's hilariously inept attempt at destroying the elixir salesman's cart.
- After a series of misadventures related to the above results in Luke stumbling into a puddle of urine (long story), he uses Prestidigation to clean himself up — and, after a suggestion fron Johnny, decides to give himself a rather pleasing cinnamon scent as well. Johnny notes that this means he actually ends up complementing the scent of the spicy rat.
- Andy has some difficulties with getting his head around old-timey speech, and specifically the difference between Antiquated Linguistics and Just Plain Rudeness:Andy: Ho, fat merchant...
- Luke's height is a useful advantage, because he can peek over the GM's screen! ...He just can't parse what's actually behind it.
- "It's a proper gnome situation. Just, full gnome."
- Andy momentarily contemplates skipping the reward because they're already straining under the weight of all the elixir-brewer's gold.
- Eventually Luke actually casts sleep, leading to a partial a cappella rendition of the Vengabus.
- "Is that a 9 or a 6...wait, it's a d8..."
- After Luke puts the guards to sleep:Luke: I might flavour the guards.
Jane: They wake up flavoured like cheese!
- "Now you need to make a Strength/Athletics check...you're grappling a gnome, Andy, I wouldn't worry too much."
- Confronting the gnome:Andy: (dramatically) Meet our friend, the spicy rat!
- Ellen's character, a elvish druid, starts getting a bit self-righteous towards the gnome about messing around with the natural order of things, and how this is very important to her and her kind. Cue eye-rolling, head-desks and long-suffering sighs from the others. She then tries to guilt them for claiming that her rant is in the name of Simon (i.e. her character's dead cat).
- Andy's character Knows Chemistry:Andy: (on how to cure turning-into-animals) Just...whatever's in the cauldron right now? The opposite of that.
- The gnome potion-dealer turns out to be a sort of druidic scoundrel.Ellen: Why didn't you sell them something that didn't do anything? Like...water.
Luke: Dirty water!
Johnny: Because I have pride in my work! Just because it's shoddy work doesn't mean I can't be proud...I studied long and hard to be a...relatively poor druid!
- Both Andy and Jane try intimidating Channail the gnome into making an antidote for his elixir. After the dice rolls, it is noted that Andy's sword pales somewhat in comparison with Jane's ability to summon nightmarish otherworldly dark powers:Johnny: Alright, so the rapier and the — let's face it — far more intimidating prospect of being eldritch-blasted...
Andy: Jane hovers three feet above the ground, eyes rolled back into the back of her head...
Luke: Reality melts into a morass of impossible geometry...
- When asked to prepare her "Cthulhu beams" for intimidation purposes, "Prudence" sighs impatiently and gets ready.Luke: Without the attitude please, Prudence.
- When asked to prepare her "Cthulhu beams" for intimidation purposes, "Prudence" sighs impatiently and gets ready.
- Luke supplements his repertoire with more Vengaboys music.
- Luke proposes testing the antidote on the sleeping guards. Jane is, naturally, on board immediately. Then Luke forgets how it's arranged and nearly doses one of the guards with the antidote before actually administering the thing that needs to be antidote'd.Andy: Can't make an omelette without poisoning a few guards.
- Luke know a Lot about Wildlife.Luke: At least, that's how I've seen [goats fed] on Countryfile...
- Luke comes up with the town of "Stormregan" out of nowhere.Johnny: (with a trace of bitterness) Wow, that's way better than the names I come up with...
- Andy just plain gives up on the linguistics.Andy: I grab the gnome by the lapels and say, 'Listen, motherf[BLEEP]...'
Jane: Salty pirate speak.
Johnny: (as the gnome) I've taken a vow of celibacy, actually...
- The next transformed guard turns into a lemur. Luke is actually rather unhappy about turning him back, and later needs to be persuaded to make "Ratboy" human again.
- In their zeal to loot the Channail lair, the gang accidentally leaves their unrestrained and completely pissed off nemesis alone with their cart. They only realize it while they're lugging chests back up the stairs, by which point the gnome is long gone - shouting how he'll get them next time from just outside ranged distance. Johnny's slow, smug shaking of his head when the gang asks if the cart is still there is what sells it. They end up having to walk all the way back to town with a few handfuls of treasure.
- Luke attempts to use "I told you so" as a negotiation tactic.
- At the end, Johnny reveals that he'd set up an entire climactic battle with M. Channail and wasn't expecting the group to take him down using stealth so efficiently.Johnny: Why did I make him a gnome?!
Story 2: "A Spot of Bother"
- The crew fondly reminisce over the "spicy rat caper", with Dob, Prudence, and Corazón fondly recalling such little moments as "Prudence" murdering a guy with Cthulhu magic and their remembering that they'd set the crypt on fire with all the people still instead. Merilwen, the sweet-natured animal-loving elven druid, looks a bit uncomfortable about all this.
- Apparently Prudence spent the entire walk back to town reminiscing about how she blasted that one guard, much to Corazón's annoyance.
- Andy is served a notice at a tavern.Jane: Is that for paternity?
- Andy (Corazón) receives the Black Spot and attempts to hide it from his party. The DM rules that Jane (Prudence) has an inkling that Corazón is hiding something on the justification that he immediately exclaimed "Oh, God. It's the Black Spot."
- Due to a botched Lore roll, Jane reasons that getting the black spot means pirates are going to throw a party for you.
- The introduction to Mike's character pretty much gives you a clue for what his play style is going to be:Mike: Hello, I am Egbert the Careless.
- Mike reveals that his character is a Paladin, prompting immediate suspicion from Jane, Andy, and Luke that he's going to try and convert them:Andy: Is there going to be a lot of religion stuff?
Mike: I mean... I think everyone could do with some religion in their lives, some meaning, you know...
Luke: Are you here to give us pamphlets or sell us books?
[Mike looks wounded]
Ellen: Look, I've been trying to work them on the nature thing and even that's difficult.
Mike: I know, right? I mean, they're hanging out with a demon.
Ellen: I know.
[Jane acts offended.]
- When discussing how the pirates hunting Andy might have locked on to him due to the team's public profile increasing after the "spicy rat" caper, Andy admits a tactical error:Andy: Probably shouldn't have given the town crier my real full name...
Luke: You wouldn't even give the child [who gave Andy the Black Spot] your real name!
Andy: I just wanted to be in the town crier's shouting!
- Andy tries to get out of a charm check with a very drunk harbour-master when trying to rent a boathouse:Andy: Sounds perfect; thanks, we'll take it. Cheers.
Johnny: [As the harbour-master] ... Urp... Erm...
Andy: Alright, see you later! Bye!
Johnny: [As himself] Not so fast.
- Because Andy is being hunted, Luke offers to use his disguise kit to hide Andy, and asks what he wants to disguise him as. Jane suggests tiger, and Luke suggests Spiderman. So, naturally, Andy picks spidertiger. Johnny allows it, but requires Luke to make a roll for the quality of the disguise. He rolls a 4. The result is a tiger face paint and some sticks poking out of his body.
- "Prudence" uses powerful thamaturgy to make herself appear as a(n even more) terrifying demon woman in order to... scare a couple of barflies into freeing up some space.Jane: [With a spooky voice-modulation] Leave this place! We want your table!
- Even better, she only does this out of spite after her first attempt at looming over them intimidatingly results in them mistaking her as the wait-staff.
- Luke uses passive-aggression as a tactic against the pirates.Luke: Sorry, did one of you mention a pirate?
Johnny: [As the pirate captain] ... Dangerous thing, eavesdroppin' on a pirate.
Luke: Do you wanna know what I've heard or not?
Luke: I guess not. Never mind. And I turn away.
Johnny: Oh go on, I'm intrigued now.
- When the group tries to convince some pirates to join them to complete their missionnote , Johnny has the pirates ask if the group has talents that would help them.Mike: (matter-of-factly) I'm a giant dragon man.
Johnny: That did not go without notice, sir.
- Corazón the Unconvincing (Yet Surprisingly Unnoticed) Spider-Tiger has, as it turns out, a rather... hard-to-place accent.Johnny: Why didn't this French or to be honest possibly Swedish spider-tiger not speak up before?
- After a brief moment of suspicion over a spider-tiger being allowed into the pub, Curly Joe reveals that he is very much in favour of spider-tiger rights and genially offers to buy the first round after they've all hunted down and killed Corazón. This naturally makes him very popular with everyone, much to Corazón's alarm.
- The running gag of everyone's immediate response to a social interaction going even slightly awry being Eldritch Blast.
- Another running gag is the crew's tendency to make a reference to something modern only to then have to convert it into something old-timey sounding when they remember that they're in an ambiguously medieval fantasy realm. Such as The Lamentable Tale of Ferris Bueller (And His Daye Ouf) and Sir Thomas of Hawk, the legendary backflipping expert of Dob's order of bards.
- Corazón de Leon is more than a little irritated about all of this.Why do you keep giving me Black Spots?! I've had five in the last four years! You're only supposed to ever have one!
- Mike admits that Egbert has a Wisdom modifier of -1. Nobody is the least bit surprised, although Luke does headdesk.
- In order to check on the pirates escaping from the boathouse, Luke requests to do a backflip onto the roof. Mike points out that the roof is fairly low, and he could probably just climb it a lot more easily. Luke sheepishly responds that he'd prefer to do the backflip because it's cooler.Mike: (disbelieving) Are acrobatics part of your musical show that you do?
- Luke attempts to get everyone to blow on his D20 for luck. Mike refuses, on the grounds that he breathes fire.
- Curly Joe attempts to stall the adventurers as his pirates escape from the trap...by talking about his first day of school in a long winded story.
- When they divide up to deal with attacking pirates, Luke comments that since they're underwater, they'll be helpless, like ducks in a barrel. A few moments later he remembers that the actual phrase is about fish.
- Dob, lute-wielding rock star. When he uses a lightning attack, he goes so far as to do a powerslide, and there are also references to a "face-melting lute solo".Luke: They're not quite skeleton pirates, but you can certainly see their skeletons now!
- Luke describes the agonising death throes of the pirates trapped in his attack as "very violent and upsetting, but also sort of comical so that makes it kind of okay."
- Prudence hasn't changed.Jane: I recover from my jealousy of Dob and his fine, fine electrical cube of death.
- Naturally, when faced with conflict Prudence returns to an old favourite:Jane: I warm up the Eldritch Blast.
- Mike notes with amusement that the crew are gleefully massacring the pirates despite Andy having expressly asked them to hold off on killing them. Jane retorts that he should have thought about that before entrusting his defence to a bloodthirsty Cthulhu-worshipping tiefling. Andy in turn extends this to the Oxventurer Guild's new motto: "Everyone should have thought about everything."
- D&D tip: you should always be worried when the DM asks your armour class "just out of curiosity". That said, the pirate does miss, and Andy dubs him "Jerky Steve".
- Mike demands to know how rigorous Corazón's interview process was for this pirate crew given their ineptitude. Andy admits that he trained them, which naturally does not provide Mike any assurances.
- Johnny eventually concludes that the pirates attacking them must be drunk as skunks, given that they manage so few hits they might as well be firing in the wrong direction.
- Merilwen's biggest concern throughout an entire fight scene is her braid.
- Mike talks up how he intends to smite the pirates with holy light. Then he digs into his real-life bag and pulls out a Cartoon Bomb...and misses badly, doing no harm, unless of course Andy sprained something laughing.
- Dob is given instructions on what to do during the battle. His side has only one half-dead pirate and Prudence eager for a kill. On the other side.Ellen: Dob, Help!Andy: Mike threw a bomb in the sea!Ellen: He's not very good, Dob!
- Luke manages a lucky crit and juliennes a pirate.
- Although her Eldritch Blasts haven't been immediately successful, Cthulhu is nevertheless quite pleased with Prudence's efforts. And we know this thanks to a picture of Cthulhu with a speech bubble reading "Aw, sick."
- Merilwen falls into the water and kills two pirates by calling upon the wildlife, including two sharks and some Humboldt squid. One of the squid manages a kill by grabbing a pirate by the head, facehugger-style, and tipping him over.
- Johnny also notes that a whale has turned up to try and join in, but it can't climb up the sudden drop in the sandbank. Everyone immediately agrees that the whale has just decided to offer moral support and encouragement instead.
- In the next episode, the whale is given the name of Henry. Mike is deeply amused that Merilwen went to the trouble of finding out the whale's name.
- True to his name, Egbert the Careless decides to use his dragon fire breath. This burns down the entire boathouse.Johnny: What I love is that you're doing this in character. You're handing out pamphlets while burning them with fire breath.
- Johnny also notes that Egbert barely pauses for breath in happily enthusing about the benefits of joining his paladin order to burn the boathouse down.Johnny: [As Egbert, cheerfully] There's this thing I can do, it's sort of just a little bit BWOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRR and that's how I became a paladin really...
- The Oxventurers use Merilwen's influence over animals to have a bunch of sea-creatures pull a row boat to the Joyful Damnation, accompanied by a bunch of dolphins and Henry the Humpback Whale. Merilwen's actions throughout this journey are described as "milking it" and going "full Titanic".
- Once again, Johnny reveals he'd planned a much harder final fight, only for the adventurers to foil that plan entirely - this time because Merilwen had a whale ram the Jolly Damnation, meaning most of the pirate crew spent the boss fight bailing water out of the ship.
- To intimidate the pirates aboard the ship, Luke has Dob bring a long a slice of julienned pirate, leading to a lengthy justification for how the "pirate ham" is actually recognisable as a pirate when Andy points out that, in practice, Luke has just picked up a large bit of unrecognisable organic matter. Then, when time comes to use said piece of pirate to intimidate the captain, Luke tries throwing it contemptuously at him... but thanks to an inadequate skill throw, it just flops to the deck in front of him. Luke insists that this was nevertheless still really intimidating.
- Turns out Corazón's real name... is Percival Milquetoast. Naturally, the others rip the piss entirely out of Corazón for this.
- Corazón angrily rejects his father and his massive house on his luxurious estate with plentiful woods and fifteen horses. Corazón's friends immediately ask Lord Milquetoast if he'd consider adopting them instead.
- For the second time in the game, Luke rolls a 20, meaning he scores a critical hit in combat. This means that his attempt to push Captain Paniaz into the ocean to be eaten by the squids turns into a power slam which results in Paniaz slipping on a slice of pirate, tumble-flipping into the ocean and being eaten by Henry the Whale, in active defiance of the fact that Henry is both a baleen whale and so can't even eat people and had withdrawn from the fight due to mild concussion after ramming the pirate ship. This, naturally, impresses upon Lord Milquetoast and the other pirates.
- In order to impress on Lord Milquetoast the sheer awesomeness of his sons adventuring friends, Merilwen suddenly turns into a cat out of nowhere. Contrary to expectations, Lord Milquetoast is not particularly impressed.
- After the victory over Corazón's father, Lord Milquetoast is allowed to leave, so he gets on the ship. Then, he comes back.Lord: I need the cat to call off the squid.
- The adventure ends with the ship sailing into the sunset, our heroes taking a pause from trying to stop it sinking to drink some rum and watch Egbert use his Divine Retribution Bomb Crossbow to set off some fireworks in the sky while Dob leads everyone in a rousing chorus of "The Vengabus".Johnny: [Head in hands] I quit.
Story 3: "Wild Wild Woods"
- The opening narration has this little burn:Andy: What heroic deeds will they accomplish in their latest Oxventure? I mean, learning which dice are which would be a good start.
- Corazón introduces himself as "a legitimate aquatic businessman (why, what have you heard?)".
- Corazón proposes to tie up three unconscious goblins in under a minute. Johnny allows him to try, but warns him he's going to have a roll a +20 in order to pull it off. When the Audience Murmurs in shock and disapproval:Johnny: Three in a minute?! Fifteen to twenty foot apart, and you're going "Ooooohh!" [Makes mildly rude gesture to them]
- After constantly having to put up with Corazón and Prudence picking on her and making snide remarks about her love of nature, Merilwen manages to get a pretty good burn in to Corazón when she describes him at one point as "a bloke dressed up as a pirate":Prudence: A bloke who is a pirate.
Corazón: "Dressed up as a pirate"?!
Merilwen: That's not what your dad said.
- Jane knows exactly what the audience wants.Prudence: I wanna Eldritch Blast him! (audience cheers)
- Jane one-shots a goblin in the face with Eldritch Blast, getting its brain matter all over the lunch.Johnny: Cthulhu is pleased, and lunch is ruined.
- The Oxventurer's Guild's first encounter, when they are trying to gather intelligence why the forest has no animals in it, involves one goblin being exploded with dark magic, and another skewered through the eye by Corazón.Egbert: So, what have we learned?Johnny:(Face Palm) Oh no.Dob: We learned what the inside of a goblin is like. It's all squashy.
- Merilwen decides to Wild Shape into a cat and uses the small paws to pick the lock. And she succeeds.Johnny: Do you have proficiency in Sleight-of-Paw?
- Just the look on Ellen's face when Luke reminds her that, if she wants to sneak into the camp to communicate with the animals, Merilwen has the ability to shape-shift into a cat. And the noise she makes. And the fact that her 'shape-shifting' is represented with Ellen kneeling behind the table playing with a stuffed cat.
- Before launching a blast of flame-breath at five goblins, Egbert remembers he's a paladin and delivers this combined speech and gesture:Egbert: "It is with a heavy heart that I smite you to bits." ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- The arrival of the final boss reveals it to be a huge mechanical beetle. Mike notes that this shares a resemblance to the mechanical spider from Wild Wild West, which in turn prompts Andy to troll Johnny by singing the full lyrics of the theme song. Which in turn prompts Johnny to summon the wizard Binbag, who screams at Andy to shut up before flying at him as a horde of enraged crows.
- True to his name, Egbert the Careless decides to deal with the boss the way he knows best: Lighting a bomb, then hitting it with his mace like a baseball towards the boss.Mike: I can't wait to see what I have to roll for this one.
- An exasperated and incredulous Johnny has no idea how to proceed with that action and just decides that Egbert has to beat a successful roll of 20. Which he does.
- Dob decides to Thunderwave the legs of the beetle, only to forget that Merilwen is still on the beetle and caught in the area of effect. She successfully rolls a saving throw to No-Sell the attack.Merilwen: Guys, I'm a WOOD elf, so I don't conduct electricity.
- After defeating the mechanical beetle, a large plate of it comes down in front of Corazón and Dob. Corazón picks it up, and then Dob decides to lick the plate to clean it, describing it as tasting like grease, woodsmoke and metal, which he reports to the other party members.Johnny: There's one more thing. (whispers) It tastes like glory!Dob: I keep that to myself.
Story 4: "An Orcward Encounter"
- Andy introduces himself as "Corazón de [reads smudged notes on hand] Ballena" and politely asks the audience not to steal his pirate ship, which is parked outside.Mike: I think I saw a ticket on it earlier.
- At the end of introductions, Johnny introduces himself as "literally everyone else in the world".
- The background for the village of "Tanner's Folly": it was created when a lot of tanners got together, and then, when they realised how badly it reeked, they concluded a village of nothing but tanners was a terrible idea.
- Johnny concludes, from the sign, that the village tavern, the "Bellowing Walrus" (played by the EGX liveshow region), is run by a "Mr Rezzed".Andy: So what you're saying is, the immersion isn't broken!
- Johnny awkwardly fumbles for a way to describe the pub, eventually referring to it as "pubby".
- Andy, because as any GM would tell you there is always one, proposes walking right on past the clearly labelled adventure hook dangling right in front of their noses.Corazón: Does anyone want to go and talk to that "Adventurers Wanted" man? I imagine... not much will happen if we don't...
- Said adventure hook is delivered by a somewhat brandy-addled, overly chipper NPC. Who seems to have forgotten that he has a sign asking for adventurers right there on his table.
- As soon as Alfred Strangetide talks about how he fancies himself to be something of an adventurer, Luke deadpans "Escort mission".Alfred: Nobody will go [to the crypt] with me 'cause they say it's the home of great evil, and they've got hides they need to dunk in urine.
Corazón: Yes, that is the problem with Tanner's Folly - why did we come to Tanner's Folly? I don't recall.
Egbert: Certainly not the food.
- The adventurers have gotten so used to Prudence being the Token Evil Teammate that Corazón suggests that she could get some tips from the great evil.Corazón: We'll pack a picnic, make a day of it.
- Everyone is so distracted by the overwhelming urine smell of Tanner's Folly that they cheerfully agree to go along with Alfred's mission... until Merilwen prompts them into remembering that they haven't actually found out what the mission is, yet, and that it could possibly involve them being on the wrong end of a human sacrifice.
- The labour laws in the fantasy setting are a bit specific: apparently, if you happen to be a cultist, you're expected to declare that in advance.
- The chalice they seek apparently has remarkably specific powers, according to the increasingly hyperactive and over-the-top Alfred.Merilwen: What about [indicates Andy] this guy?
Alfred: And it's probably worth lots of money!
Corazón: The magic words!
- Alfred's initial proposal is to split the proceeds of the chalice fifty-fifty, with half going only to him and half being split among the Oxventurers. The rest of the party are aghast to discover that Dob is a little too quick to agree to these terms.
- After Alfred tells the party about the chalice, they remark that they no longer need to bring Alfred, since he's told the party what the treasure is and where to find it.Johnny: I...might have overplayed my hand here.
- Corazón's negotiating proposals include "not being eldritch blasted", not being betrayed and killed at the end, and one minute to stand on the pirate ship.Dob: And I'll do the Titanic thing with you.
- Once again, the Oxventurers note that Johnny's campaign shares certain similarities to a famous "poem", this time the penny-dreadful song "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade".
- The town stocks all sorts of useful adventurer things, but not a giant drill to avoid going through the crypt. Johnny shuts that one down bright and early.
- Johnny complains that the party have managed to hijack the characterization of his GMPC and turn him from a prideful academic to a needy infant. And then he winds up plays along, acting out their interpretation of him, up to and including bawling and spitting up.
- Egbert is quite eager to smash the statues.
- Dob goes ahead in a narrow corridor and searches for traps. He rolls and discovers a tripwire.Dob: I've seen a tripwire. Holy wow!Egbert: I would appreciate it if you didn't take the name of Wow in vain.
- Merilwen turns into a cat to avoid a hall of tripwire traps. Even though it's easier for her, Johnny still has her roll and she gets a two. She then decides to use her inspiration to try again...only to get a four.
- Thanks to rolling critical successes on saving throws, Dob is able to grab Merilwen and Prudence (who fail their saving throws) and charge them down the hall, with Alfred still attached to Dob. Corazón jumps from wall to wall playing the hurdy-gurdy, and Egbert expertly does an Arrow Catch on all the trapped arrows.
- After surviving the traps, the party renegotiate their deal with Alfred by brownbeating him like he's a fussy child.Alfred: But I wanted 70-30!
Corazón: Well, you can't have it, young man!
Dob: That's it, I'm turning the quest around.
- Ellen gets incredibly excited about actually hitting something.
- They find a carving that is described as "super, super metal".
- Everyone rolls an investigation check to explore a massive room. Most of our heroes get results in the 10-20 range. Egbert rolls a 2.Johnny: As you see, there are these hexagons, and each one is carved into a different rune. Egbert, you just see fun letters.
- "It's either dwarven or pirate, who can say?"
- The Ode of Brunan the Unworthy:Brunan, he was a dwarf
He wasn't very nice
Hey you tiefling, stab him once
And I shall stab him twice.
- Also, the verse about Steve.
- Johnny is temporarily rendered incoherent while trying to figure out how to describe Prudence's movements after a good roll, until he's reminded that the word "dance" exists.Dob: Prudence, can you see any levers or anything over there?
Prudence: Aaaaand dismount. Sorry, what?
- The challenge blocking the entry to the final chamber of the tomb is... an innocent-looking door. With a seemingly simple handle. Cue paranoia from our heroes.Johnny: [Arcs his fingers sinisterly, like an evil mastermind]
- Prudence discovers some glyphs on the suspiciously-normal door. Fortunately, they are in Infernal, so she can read them with no effort.Prudence: It says...Push to open.Egbert:(Beat) I pull them.
- After opening the suspiciously normal door, the party finds a large, open room.Audience Member: Boss Fight!
- Merilwen suggests that they should be careful if they hear intense music. Egbert immediately asks Dob to provide intense music. And he does - although the drama is rather reduced because it's a very small instrument.
- Corazón invents a new way of checking for traps: stand well back and look at them through a telescope.Johnny: Roll me an investigation check.
Andy: But I've got a telescope!
Johnny: ...And add two, 'cause you've got a telescope.
- Johnny's description of the energies of the vessel interacting with Dob gets a bit weird, to the point where Andy calls it an "erotic chalice".
- When Dob gets an Evil Twin, someone in the audience asks if the duplicate has an evil copy of Alfred on him.Johnny: You know what, I desperately want to say yes, but I also desperately don't want these people to have to kill a child. So no.
- It had to happen:Johnny: Prudence, you're up.
Audience: ELDRITCH BLAST! ELDRITCH BLAST! ELDRITCH BLAST!
- Prudence tries to talk down Evil Dob and fails. Then she tries to eldritch-blast him...and also fails.
- When trying to talk down Evil Dob, Prudence asks whether there's anything Evil Dob wants in exchange for the Chalice of Everything Everyone Ever Wanted. Evil Dob responds that the Chalice will give him everything he ever wanted, so no. Prudence persists, and asks him what he wants. Exasperated, Evil Dob retorts that its the Chalice of Everything Everyone Ever Wanted and he wants it. With accompanying "Duh!" gestures.
- Mike attempts to shove his bomb in Evil Dob's mouth. Meanwhile, Dob and Merilwen are freaking out about being caught in the blast radius, but no one notices them.Dob: There's a fuse on that, right?
Egbert: Yeah, but it's quite all right - it's just a short one.
Dob: [bewildered hand gestures]
- Evil Dob pulls out a lute and everyone responds with despondency and terror.
- Egbert takes a bad hit.Johnny: You might be a little bit...unconscious?
- "Oh no, you totally give the baby a dagger."Dob: It's Parenting 101.
- Dob demonstrates a remarkable ability to communicate entirely with his eyebrows, before having to be talked out of inventing the medical powerslide.
- Johnny puts his foot in his mouth again when he says Egbert feels "a stirring".Audience: (laughter)
Johnny: STOP IT!
- He then describes how Egbert can almost sense the presence of orcish hands keeping themselves exactly where everyone can see them beginning to heal him.
- When Jane rolls another missed eldritch blast, Johnny admits that the attempt to talk to Evil Dob was really funny, so he should probably have given inspiration. The rerolled die falls off the table, so Andy catches it and proclaims that it's a 20, a move that even Prudence can't allow.Mike: Suddenly the tiefling's got morals?Johnny: He's got a point there.
- Once Evil Dob is dead, Johnny remarks that the crypt is no longer trying to kill them and they're free to leave it. This leads Mike to quip that they've babyproofed it.
- Once again, the whole thing wraps up in an impromptu performance of the Vengabus.
Story 5: "Quiet Riot!"
- The team has leveled up since last we met them, leading Corazón to make a big deal of gloating about his taking on some skills in magic and how easy he found it to learn. Unimpressed, the others all point out that they're natural magic users.
- Egbert reveals that he's joined an order of ancients, as the deity he worships belongs to one. This leads him to briefly bond over with Prudence over the fact that hers is as well, although Egbert does take pains to note that his is a lot less scary and tentacly.
- Prudence reveals that Cthulhu has given her a book of shadows, prompting groans and alarm from her teammates.Corazón: This is the one thing we didn't want to happen.
- Upon discovering that the NPC hailing them is a jester performing what appears to be a mime, Corazón has the only logical initial response:Corazón: I open fire.
Flannery: Would you like to talk to [my mistress]?
- This animosity continues throughout the adventure with Corazón frequently suggesting to either abandon or kill Flannery, the jester.
Corazón: I'd certainly like you to stop talking.
Flannery: I can still hear you, you know.
- As Corazón discuss how to backstab Lady Fyengeh:
Corazón: Shush, Flannery. We could have killed you so many times.
- Flannery's completely inappropriate and situationally unaware responses to all the situations he finds himself in also count, as he keeps doing flamboyant mimes and dances completely oblivious to the increasingly gore-strewn atrocities he finds himself party to. He is, in Mike's words, "always on". At one point, he wears a scarf made out of small intestines.
- Cthulhu keeps popping up to berate Prudence over her choice of companions in the manner of a dad who's slightly alarmed by the inappropriate friends his daughter has chosen to hang out with.
- In describing a vehicle, Johnny tries to find the right word to describe the underside of a carriage. After a few minutes of pondering, he is slightly sheepish to realise that the best word is simply 'undercarriage'.
- In the silent town, the team get so caught up in the fiction that they deliver everything they say and do in a hushed whisper. Consequently, when Jane says something in a normal tone of voice, everyone reacts as if they're operating under an enforced rule of silence in real life.
- When coming up with ideas to lure the cult out of their temple, the team hit upon the idea of creating a massive noise. Egbert points out that he has lots of bombs, with Dob approves it. They also hit upon the idea of using an abandoned church as the source of the noise, and on learning it has a bell Egbert and Dob suggest... blowing up the bell. It takes a certain length of time for everyone to realise that Egbert and Dob are maybe a bit too hung up on using the bomb, and that it would be easier and more effective all round to just ring the bell.
- One of Corazón's new magical abilities turns out to be 'Grease' — as in, the ability to summon a massive amount of grease. He intends to produce just a little bit to oil the hinges of a squeaky door and make their stealth a bit easier, but thanks to underestimating the amount that will be produced the result is a truly massive amount that makes the entire floor of a church slippery. In addition to contributing to contributing significantly to "Merilwen's Mincer" (as discussed below), it also means that several of the Oxventurers "completely stack it" when first entering the church.
- Johnny notes that Corazón's new spell is distinct from the 'Geas' spellnote , which in turn is distinct from 'geese' despite the pronunciation. Regardless, the team spend a few happy moments musing about what it would be like to be able to summon a flock of annoyed geese to deal with your enemies.
- The team prepare an ambush for the whispering cultists in a church with Corazón's Grease and Merilwen's Spike Growth. It works too well with many of them horribly maimed or dead much to the team's horror (except for Prudence).
- Before he rings the church bells that will summon the cultists, Johnny notes that Egbert looks over the peaceful, golden tranquility of the quiet town and savours the moment... not because it's peaceful, but because he's mere moments from completely ruining it. Ladies and gentleman, a character and the man portraying him, summed up in one perfect moment.
- Egbert tends to get snotty about the beliefs of the Order of Keep It Down and rubbishes them at every opportunity. At one point this leads to a No, You fight with a cultist about which one of them's a heretic.
- When Merilwen reveals that one of her new abilities happens to be the ability to turn into a massive wild bear, Corazón has the natural reaction to suddenly having the person next to him turn into a massive wild bear and completely freaks out. He is then shushed because of the rule of silence and proceeds to freak out more quietly... before being reminded by Johnny that the team has gone loud and he's allowed to freak out noisily now.
- Merilwen reveals that one of her new abilities is called "Moonbeam". Everyone derides it as sounding hippyish. It turns out to be magical moonlight fire that completely dissolves people.
Luke:... I take that to mean 'yes'.
- When Luke innocently wonders whether Moonbeam even does damage, the only response from Johnny is a silent, wide-eyed stare.
- Once again, an epic climactic battle that Johnny had planned is royally scuttled by the Oxventurers lateral-thinking their way out of the problem, this time by Merilwen using her ability to befriend animals to calm a mighty owlbear and persuade her teammates to release it into the wild rather than killing or selling it. Andy, Mike, Jane, and Johnny are pissed.Johnny: (amidst Mike and Andy grumbling) Listen, no one is more pissed off than me.
- Part of the reason why Andy is so disgruntled is that he was hoping to use the owlbear's head as a figurehead. While Johnny reads off what Animal Friendship does, Andy and Mike start brainstorming names for their ship with owl puns.
- It gets worse when Ellen is asked to act out how she talks to the owlbear.
Corazón: As much as I want to fight an Owlbear, I only have... not much... I'm trying to say this in a non-meta way: I only have twenty-one hit points. I don't want to fight an Owlbear.
- Prudence eventually warms up the (upgraded) Eldritch Blast to take out the owlbear anyway, but is eventually talked down. She points out that no one had named it yet which somehow makes it okay only for Luke to pipe up to say he's now called "Owlsworth".
- After lengthy complaining about being denied the opportunity to fight an Owlbear, Corazón grudgingly admits that he's actually weaker than he thought and so probably shouldn't be fighting one anyway... but can't think of a way to put it that doesn't violate the fourth wall.
- The end reveal that the strange oblong vehicle carrying the eccentric performance artists led by Lady Fyengeh is... a Fyengehbus. The team are mortified that it took them the entire game to pick up on the "Vengabus" pun. Johnny is delighted.
Story 6: "Plunder Siege"
- Immediately after introducing himself, Johnny remarks that drinking horns tend to "bloop" into your face once you're done drinking from one. As a result, he has apparently splashed beer into his face twice before the campaign even started. Not that he's drinking a beer, mind you.
- Merilwen's Meatgrinder has not been forgotten, and the entire party is keen to jab her for it at every opportunity.
- Dob tries to bluff that he knows all about "All Crims Eve" to a brigand in order to find out more about it. This backfires on him a bit:Dob: Dude, I practically invented "All Crims Eve".
Brigand: No, you did not. You're not the Duke of Red Castle.
Dob: Well, he's... known to go about in the woods. In the guise of a bard. I heard. Did you not hear that? You're behind the times. [Johnny looks very confused by all of this] Anyway. Tell us more about "All Crims Eve".
Brigand: Alright. Since I'm so behind the times, I will tell you everything I know, which is apparently outdated.
- Then when Johnny starts his exposition dump, he realises that he's written the name of the event down as "All Crims Night." Dob immediately jumps onto it and claims that the brigand's information really was outdated.
- Corazón takes the opportunity when encountering some brigands to get some practice in talking "Thieves' Cant" to them... which turns out to be like two old posh Etonians reminiscing.
- When describing what the Duke's manor looks like, Jane asks if the manor is actually red, as the name Redcastle would imply.Johnny: To you, it's insultingly beige.
- Following the twist reveal at the end of the previous session, Andy is now paranoid that everything and everyone the Oxventurers encounter could be a Vengaboys references.
- Corazón attempts to find hints or warnings left by the other thieves scattered around the area. He rolls just below the required number, so instead of anything useful, he discovers plenty of threatening messages, like "Watch your backs!" "Once the whistle starts, I'm going to kill you." "Remember the rules! (I'm going to kill you!)"
- Offscreen, Corazón apparently blew the entire team's budget on a new sword and a mink coat.
- Dozens of thieves raise their weapons in the air and cheer right before the Duke comes out to announce the beginning of All Crims Night. Johnny also makes note that a couple of people get clobbered by overenthusiastic people carrying shillelaghs.
- The Duke of Redcastle only has two rules for All Crims Night: firstly, none of the guards are allowed to be killed, since it's a pretty useless training exercise if everyone dies. Secondly, other thieves are totally fair game, because if there are less living thieves in the world, then presumably that means there's less crime, too.
- Johnny gets very indignant at the suggestion that his latest plot is ripping off The Purge.
- Corazón claims to be pretty impressively drunk for most of the campaign.
- The team elect to traverse a castle wall by forcing a reluctant Merilwen to turn into a cat and be thrown by Dob to the top, whereupon she can throw some rope down for the others. Thanks to an unfortunate dice-roll, this translates into Merilwen being thrown over a wall into a pile of manure. She is about as thrilled with this as you can guess.
Ellen: (mouthing to the audience) I'm worried!
- Right before Dob throws her over the wall, he gives her a look that says "Don't even worry about it!"
Luke: And Merilwen seems calmed.
(Ellen gives a terrified look to the audience and the rest of the party)
- "Are you proficient with 'cat'?"
- After Merilwen lands in manure, she mimes licking her hand to clean herself. Johnny is very quick to discourage her for the obvious reason, at which point she pretends to gag.
- Merilwen stays a cat for most of the session.
- Egbert elects to climb a wall by putting a bomb under his shield and surfing on the shield down. Somehow, it works.
Egbert: Watch this!
- The rest of the party, particularly Jane and Andy insist that he should take the much simpler route of blowing up the wall, but Mike sticks with the plan anyway. Presumably just because it's much, much cooler.
- This exchange:
Corazón: You're behind a wall. We can't watch this.
- The entire process of blowing himself over the wall is filled with Rule of Cool. Complete with a physics-defying slide upon impact and a "I told you it would be awesome" pose directed at the rest of the party.
- Just as Corazón asks Merilwen and Dob if they want to give the "throwing the cat" plan another go, Johnny points out that the courtyard is devoid of thieves...because they've already forced their way inside the manor. The front doors have been bashed in and there are crashing noises coming from the manor and as the party is surveying the situation, someone gets thrown out of a window and lands dead at their feet.
- Luke asks if he can put Merilwen, still in cat form, in his pocket. He insists it's for tactical concealment, but it's mostly because Rule of Cute.
- Johnny contemplates if Dob is going to put Cat!Merilwen in a papoose.
- Upon entering the manor, they see a room that's been completely ransacked, a dead thief, a staircase encased with fresh mud and a door that looks largely untouched. Corazón immediately loots the dead thief.
Ellen: I go in and look around, and then I come back in, and then they try and shut the door, and I'm like 'No. No, I do wanna— no, I dunno. No no no, I do. Meow.'
- Merilwen paws at the unused door, which the party takes to mean she wants to go that way. Bearing in mind that cats tend to be indecisive at best when it comes to actually going through a door.
Johnny: So after about ten minutes of this...
- Johnny describes the next room they enter as having oil paintings lining the walls and a long table with a "pretty alright-looking candlestick" atop it.Johnny: You reckon if you were a thief really down on your luck, you'd have that.
Andy: Yeah? I have that.
(Audience starts laughing)
Andy: Also, I cut the oil paintings out of their frames and roll them up, and stash them up my sleeve.
Mike: I say to him, "Really?!"
- Luke decides, apropos of nothing, to forcefully kick a door open. It draws the attention of some guards, and his solution is to cheese it to the other door in the room. Andy suggests booting down that door, too.Johnny: Okay, you stealth-cheese it to the other door. (Looks around at the entire team pretending to stealth-cheese it and looking utterly ridiculous) It is really dynamic.
- Merilwen doing cat things when they enter the library, from pushing a marble bust until it (nearly) falls over to sitting on top of a downed guard pretending to help.
- Instead of doing anything about the guards, Prudence decides to rifle through the library index to find eldritch tomes or books of similar nature.
- Meanwhile Egbert is just zoning out and thinking about that time he surfed a shield over a wall.
- Corazón continues searching for anything remotely valuable. Johnny says that there are oil paintings on the first level of the library, but since he already has some of those he doesn't need more unless he wants to have them.Andy: I have them.
Johnny: ...We'll come back to this.
- They never come back to it.
- Dob doing a stag leap as he jumps to the mezzanine level of the library.Luke: You've heard of, like, first and second position in ballet, this is like, position 500, 'cuz it's well hard.
- In order to take out a guard on the first floor, Egbert decides to push over a stack of bookcases like dominoes. Unfortunately, Corazón is also standing between the bookcases...Andy: I see this all unfolding, and...step out—
Johnny: Uh-tuh-tuh-tuh, I'm onto you! The best pleasure in roleplaying is knowing what's happening as Andy, when Corazón knows nothing.
Johnny: You see Dob frantically going like... (mimics the movement of pushing something with an urgent look on his face)
- Dob is the one who gives him the idea in the first place by miming the idea to him.
Luke: Not frantically, coolly!
(Johnny stares at the audience and does air quotes)
Luke: Like this. (Does a more suave, elegant version of pretending to push something)
Johnny: You see Dob, like, you're not sure if he's miming press-ups like he wants to work out later, or if he can hear some form of music you can't...
- "A dragonborn never skips leg day."
- Prudence manages to snag a grimoire and the "Osbourne Book of Old Ones" which is apparently easy to identify on accounts of the fact that it's snarling.
- Merilwen rolls her cat-eyes at something, which reminds Andy that she's still a cat. Luke points out that it would be weird if Merilwen rolled her cat-eyes as a humanoid, which leads to the visual of her rolling a pair of cat eyes like dice.
- Corazón greets another gang of thieves in Thieves' Cant, rattling off a long sentence that basically equates to "We're just passing through, please don't kill us." The leader responds in Common.
- Andy rolls to uncover the thieves' stats, but he fails, leading to this.
- Johnny sums up the basic experience of playing D&D in one sentence:Johnny: He's got no idea what you're planning...and frankly, neither do I.
- Dob asks for Prudence's grimoire, being deliberately vague about his plan. Prudence is very worried that he's planning on hitting the thieves with her new book.
Luke: Ohhh...it's a 3...
- He ends up slipping the eldritch grimoire into the brigand's stew, which turns the brigand into a goblin.
- Beforehand, he dips his flagon into the pot to get some stew for himself. The brigand (and by extension, Johnny) is incredibly baffled at the idea of someone deciding to drink stew out of a cup, instead of scooping some up with a bowl like a sensible person.
- Also beforehand, right after successfully putting the grimoire into a pot of stew, Luke cheerfully admits he doesn't know what's going to happen and that he didn't put much thought into the result of his plan. The party is understandably astonished.
- Once the transformation occurs, Dob tries to convince the other thieves that their leader was a goblin the whole time. Johnny tells him to beat a 15, which is when his luck runs out.
- Corazón shows immense courage in the face of battle.Andy: I immediately hide.
- "Stuck in the middle with stew."Andy: Can the DM get inspiration?
- Luke attempting to play heavy metal on a ukulele.
- One of the thieves is described as lying face up on the floor like "Well, this took a turn."
- Jane gets a bit carried away describing Prudence's Agonizing Blast and its effect.Mike: You look like you're enjoying this a little... too... much...
Andy: This is the rest of the show, the description.
Prudence: Yeah! Take that, widow!
- Johnny points out that, because the victim was turned into a goblin, no one will be able to identify the body. Prudence is delighted by the news.
- The remaining two thieves who are still capable of standing spend their combat turn running away, so there's no real need for Egbert to take action unless he wants to do something heinous. Naturally, he commands the guy in front to vomit, and the thief behind him slips in it and is promptly sick as well.
- Prior to this, an audience member suggests Egbert hand out pamphlets after them.
- Prudence finds a secret passageway straight to the objective (mainly in the interests of time, as they have roughly twenty minutes before the panel is over) by licking a book. Corazón promptly springs up from his hiding place and declares that he discovered a secret passageway.
- M. Channail makes a return and ensnares Merilwen, Corazón and Dob, immobilising them. Dob's mouth is uncovered, so Luke decides he wants to cast Hideous Laughter. Johnny is reluctant to allow it because you need to be able to gesture while casting Hideous Laughter, at which point Luke claims that wiggling his eyebrows counts as gesturing. Johnny allows this solely because at least he's not gesturing by wiggling his hips.
Dob: Where does a mansplainer get their water? From a well, actually...
- The joke Dob uses as the trigger?
- An announcement comes on over the P.A. declaring that the panel will end in five minutes. In an attempt to save the immersion from being totally broken, everyone unanimously identifies the voice as Cthulhu.
- Prudence casts Vicious Mockery on M. Channail with the most biting insult she can conjure.Prudence: You're basic, Channail.
- This causes M. Channail to both laugh from Dob's Hideous Laughter and cry from Prudence's Vicious Mockery, creating a real roller coaster of emotions as Mike puts it.
- Egbert smites M. Channail with fire breath while clutching pamphlets in each fist, managing to deal 21 damage. Channail is described as "doing the Terminator thing" while a voice on the wind exclaims "It was worth iiiiit!"
- Egbert decides to Shield Surf down the main staircase for kicks. It looks really cool.
- Corazón ends up leaving the manor struggling under the weight of his bag, filled with everything valuable that wasn't nailed down (and probably a few things that were.)
Story 7: "A Fishmas Carol"
- We open with Dob throwing all their loot in a lake for safekeeping. Corazón is not pleased.
- There is a discussion of solstice celebrations:Dob: I mostly just go up onto the highest peak, and-
Corazón: Throw all of your money in.
Dob: Throw all of your money in!
- Dob's insistence on burying all his worldly possessions for the reindeer leads to Merilwen being appointed the new treasurer.
- Prudence takes a sip of her drink, time stops, and a mist that smells like blood and seaweed starts to rise. Jane's reaction is a subdued "aw, man".
- Cthulhu communicates with Prudence through her companions, leading to the other Oxventurers speaking in chorus...except when Andy fluffs his line and has to catch up.
- Prudence finally has enough of Corazón's self-involved refusal to shut up.Prudence: Shut your filthy mouth Corazón!
[Everyone is taken aback]
- Prudence starts going on about the Solstice miracle of her being visited by Cthulhu. The moment she mentions this, the art for the other characters shifts to their "unnerved" expressions in unison.
- Evidence is provided:Prudence: What about this Cthulhu pit?
Corazón: Whoa! Has that always been there?
Dob: So sticky.
- Either Jane or Prudence needs to work on her negotiating skills.Prudence: I propose we jump into the Cthulhu pit...
Corazón: WHAT?! Jump into the pit?!
Prudence: ...and we'll either be digested over a thousand years, or maybe it'll take us to Tanner's Folly!
- Dob mentions that they should roll when they land. Prudence corrects him: if they land.
- The trip through the Cthulhu pit takes quite a while, so Dob encourages them to bring some entertainment.Jane: I grab my Necronomicon and jump into the pit.
Andy: I grab my copy of The Cool Adventures of Corazón the Pirate and jump into the pit.
Mike: I grab my drink and jump into the pit.
Jane: We leave Ellen to settle the tab.
- Cthulhu leaves Prudence a packed lunch.
- Johnny has trouble remembering what the tavern in Tanner's Folly was called, so they decide that it's under new management and has been renamed the Rusty Callback.
- Alfred Strangetide is still a baby and Dob tries to parent him at every opportunity.
- When the pattern of disappearances is found, Dob immediately concludes that the culprits are sharks.
- Their plan for finding the culprits is a "spooky sleepover".
- Mike brings up the legend of Home Alone.
- The trap-setting sequence includes Egbert covering himself in paint.
- Egbert's Perception roll is a total of zero due to his Wisdom penalty. This leads to him seeing a ninja turtle, of all things, and chasing it off into the distance.
- During hurried whispering about how to subtly check outside, we learn that Corazón carries his beard-trimming mirror at all times.
- Egbert rolls really well to catch the ninja turtle, and ends up smashing a vat full of urine.
- Prudence's introductory gambit: "Yo, fish people!"
- "HEY GUYS I GOT COVERED IN PISS AGAIN"
- Johnny introduces the party to the chuul, and everyone except Jane responds with concern and discomfort.
- Dob performs a lullaby for the fleeing kuo-toa, and goes into a little bit too much detail on how likely it is that some stuff around here may be on fire or covered in angry animals when they wake up. It still works, and the kuo-toa just thump onto the ground.
- Dob tries leaping out of the window... conveniently (and quickly) noting how he manages to effortlessly avoid the trap that he himself set up outside the window. This doesn't get past Johnny.
- When Luke manages to utterly nail the dexterity roll with a score of 18 (when a 10 was needed), it leads to this conversation:Johnny: You're fine. Like... do you want to set it off and have the iron land on one of the fish-men?
Luke: Yep! Yes please!
Johnny: Okay, that just happened.
- "I'm just staring at the chuul going [expression of horrified disgust]" - Mike
- The chuul's Infernal accent is extremely out of place, with a lot of "innit"s.
- The very long whispered conversation between Dob, Merilwen, and the captive.
- Dob attempts to send the captive to the Rusty Callback to find Alfred, who they've forgotten was taking part in their exercise.
- "So you exit pursued by a fishman."
- Johnny mentions that the kuo-toa who are chasing Dob and Merilwen see the chuul and look like they think they might be in trouble with the boss. Andy amends this to "in trouble with the bass."
- Nearly had us going there, Prudence.Prudence: They're avenging themselves on the people of Tanner's Folly for an artefact that has been thieved from them, and that's why they're killing people, that's why they're kidnapping and killing people.
Dob: Let's go get the artefact!
Corazón: And then we don't have to fight any crab people!
Prudence: No, 'cause then we keep it and then we kill the crab people.
- "Egbert's going to have some amount of urine on him for the rest of this adventure, and we're just going to have to come to terms with that."
- Corazón's priority for a decent chunk of this is his coffee.
- The eldritch beings failed to spot the thief because they were having a party.
- Corazón applies leverage to Alfred, including threatening to withhold his rusks unless he talks.
- There was basically no chance that the Oxventurers would remember the name Blibdoolpoolp, so she gets referred to as "the Sea Mother with a dumb name" and "Bloopdeloop".
- Egbert concludes that the sewer market is where the turtle he was chasing went.
- Dob adopts one of the fishmen and has to run it past Alfred:Dob: Young man, we talked about how someday you might have a little baby brother or sister and it might be a fishman, and you said at the time it was a weird conversation, but now look.
- Dob lectures the group about showing the proper respect to Ion, his new kuo-toa child, and then unceremoniously dumps Ion in some sewage to use as a tracker.Dob: You have to let him finish, build his confidence.
Corazón: He's dribbling on my new coat.
- Johnny rolls some dice and informs them that Ion doesn't lead them through too much raw sewage...a quantity that is relative, given that they are in a sewer. This gives Egbert much more confidence about his place in the party.
- Corazón asks Egbert to give him a piggyback to preserve his expensive boots. Egbert is unimpressed.
- When they reach the market, Corazón starts selling "Merilwen's Meatgrinder" T-shirts.
- Everyone and their aunt turns out to have gigantic pearls, all of them fake, and all of them really want the Oxventurers to buy one.
- Corazón explains in the usual Thieves' Cant that he's travelling with the other Oxventurers in order to shake them down, in the "classic...um...Shakenback manoeuvre".
- Mike is the one who proposes buying a fake pearl in order to do the ol' switcheroo. So much for Egbert's atonement...
- In order to verify, they have to ask Ion what looks most likely, and Dob has to specify that no double-crossing is going on here.
- When Dob attempts to pay for the pearl with not just one, but two, whole gold bars, Corazón hits him with a flying tackle. Then Dob suggests giving the merchant a tip.Dob: Do you guys mind getting the tip?
Corazón: You're getting the tip of this dagger if you don't stop giving our money away!
- The crooked merchant Dob pays off leaves, clearly intending to retire on that gold bar...and about half the other people at the thieves' market follow him, carrying clubs, and also clearly intending to retire on that gold bar.
- Andy's cover identity at the Twisted Harpoon pub: Ron Pearlman, of Pearlman Bros Pearls.
- Dob comes up with the uncharacteristically sadistic option of using Heat Metal on the gold bar to cover the thief Katie's hands in molten metal.Andy: Jesus Christ.
- "I'm going to call this a five, because that was a pretty good mime." - Johnny
- When arriving at Katie's dilapidated hovel, Dob describes it as "gross", only to amend it to "grossly lavish" when she overhears. Hostile, she retorts "It will be once I'm rich...", leading a puzzled Corazón to point out that when she's rich she could just move to somewhere better.
- Dob's gangster routine.
- Andy's character shows off his dashing courage.Johnny: She pulls out a brace of pistols.
Andy: I immediately hide.
- They attempt to disable her by throwing the fake pearl at her head, leading to the hollow papier-mache thing getting stuck there.
- Dob gives a little speech to Ion about the importance of avoiding senseless kidnap and mean acts of meanness.
- They go several minutes planning to visit the underwater temple before Andy realises that they might need something to help them breathe.
- Dob's plan is to create a diving bell out of an upturned rowing boat and weight it down with gold bars.
- Andy deploys a Meme.Andy: (slaps table) This bad boy can hold so much oxygen.
- Merilwen summons a shark that turns out to be French. Andy asks if it's a spider-tiger shark.
- An Ellen-grade pun:Prudence: These sacrilegious fish-people are squatting in Dad Cthulhu's sea church!
Merilwen: Does that make them sea churchin?
Prudence: Yes, Merilwen.
- Egbert comes within inches of joining the fish cult.
- They try to communicate with Ion by way of waving hands. Mike wants to know if it's a movie.
- Luke proposes a solution where they'll convert the kuo-toa to the worship of Cthulhu. Jane is on board. Mike has an objection, though.Egbert: How come no-one ever wants to convert to my religion?!
- Prudence immediately promotes Ion to high priest, and Corazón makes him a bishop's miter out of seaweed.
- Corazón proposes that they should deal with the chuul by boiling him.
- Johnny realises, in the middle of the chuul's dialogue, that it pronounces "anything" as "any-fin", and finds this hilarious.
- Blibdoolpoolp's greatest miracle: getting people to follow her religion despite her name.
- Even the chuul doesn't remember Blibdoolpoolp's name.
- Corazón runs off to pretend to kick a statue.
- Mike's offer is that Cthulhu might give the chuul opposable thumbs.
- Luke fails a spot check when dealing with a chitinous crab-monster.Luke: [The chuul] looks unarmoured.
Jane: He's made of armour.
- Stage one of the grand plan: create a block of water around the chuul. Being an aquatic creature, it is unimpressed.
- The party attempts to negotiate more damage for Dob's thunder wave by virtue of the chuul being immersed in salt water.Johnny: Well, this almost certainly doesn't have a ruling for it...
- Luke sings a little thunder wave ditty while Ellen throws up the metal horns.
- Egbert's attempt at a Pre-Mortem One-Liner: "Boiled lobster, anyone?"
- Egbert attempts to guide the chuul into Merilwen's moonlight by knocking it around with bombs like he's playing snooker, only to miss and blow up the (thankfully non-Cthulhu) altar. The cultists immediately get a banner reading "EGBERT" from somewhere and start waving it around.Mike: And then I look back at the cultists and go [finger-guns]
- Andy insists that the end of the fight is taken up by Corazón preparing various garnishes for the chuul.
- Dob lifts Ion aloft and makes a proclamation about the power of Cthulhu, while secretly keeping heat metal going. It takes Johnny a moment to realise that Dob doesn't intend to use Ion as an improvised throwing weapon.
- The kuo-toa require absolutely no time to start planning to eat the chuul, their former leader.
- Corazón uses Egbert's mace as a crab cracker.
- "You settle down to...the least holy meal that any of you have ever had. It's borderline for Prudence, to be perfectly honest."
- Prudence re-sanctifies the place to Cthulhu by saying grace.Mike: I'm technically not on board with this, but also there's lobster, so...
- Andy's bewildering holiday dedication includes "good food that we just horribly murdered".
Story 8: "Bad Chair Day"
- During the introductions, Andy insists that Corazón should need no introduction, Ellen introduces Merilwen as a "wood elf druid and cat", and Jane yells "Love you, Dob!" when Dob gets introduced.
- The main thing Andy remembers from Fishmas Carol after a few months is "we ate that lobster-monster and it was awesome".
- Johnny accelerates them to their next destination by having Cthulhu dump them on the Joyful Damnation and shove them to the next port.
- When Cthulhu gives them sunken treasure, Dob recognises some of it as stuff he's previously owned. Corazón, meanwhile, has only one priority: keeping it away from Dob.
- Dob demonstrates the wisdom of this approach by doing his level best to bankrupt them in under five minutes.Egbert: We only walked from the ship to the tavern, what did you do?!
Dob: I saw a friendly bird and it looked like it needed cash!
- After Luke has thirty seconds to think, he refines his explanation:
- This exchange:Johnny: Your chair is breathing?!
Dob: (heavy sigh) Every time...
- Prudence doesn't notice the breathing chair, and Corazón decides it's above his pay grade and gets a drink.
- When the chairs attack, plans are hatched:Luke: It's Beauty and the Beast protocol!
Andy: Okay, we need to fall in love with the guy who owns the tavern...
- Johnny decides to head the romance subplot off at the pass by calling for initiative rolls.
- Egbert returns from the bathroom to say that the toilets are even worse.Dob: Did the urinal also have teeth?
Egbert: Yes! I don't need to go any more!
- Within a round the encounter has degenerated into frantically missing shots and Dob being carried around the tavern while looking backwards over the back, before Egbert resolves it with one breath weapon attack. Johnny decides to just skip ahead and say that it may as well be a million damage in the interests of getting on with the story.
- The investigation is temporarily interrupted by an argument over whether "rootling" is a word.
- Dob nearly missed an important clue because he was working on his noir monologue.
- Ellen's choice of emphasis in the sentence "Can anyone here read hidden messages?" makes it sound like she's suggesting the entire party is illiterate.
- The reconstituted note from the bad guys gives the usual "come alone" message, but also mentions that he will likely need to make several trips, because, you know, furniture.
- Corazón concludes that they're battling an evil antiques dealer.
- "Convert that one into a modern song reference, ya sods..." - Johnny Chiodini, 2019
- Andy on priorities:
- Corazón robs the till and chugs the rum.Corazón: Guys this is the best adventure ever.
- A drunken Corazón's planning skills go down a bit; he's blotto for all of thirty seconds before he proposes disguising himself as a chair. Dob, naturally, helps. The result is dubbed "Chairrazón".Ellen: (laughing) Sounds like a Pokémon, sorry...
Luke: It's the next evolution.
Johnny: Oh, when he sobers up and becomes Chairizard.
Ellen: (dies laughing)
- The plan dissolves into a scheme were Chairazón will be sold repeatedly, earning them infinite money.Mike: And then Dob can chuck it in the sea!
- Chairazón sobers up:Chairazón: Oh my God, what did I do? Why am I a chair?
- When Ellen presents her cat toy, it earns a round of applause, and she has it bow to the audience.
- "Not one of you notices that Corazón appears to have been loaded aboard a ship?"Corazón: The good news is that we can be sure everyone has definitely noticed.
- Johnny slowly and carefully explains to Luke that the past and the future are different things.
- Dob refers to his missing compatriots as Chairazón and Chairilwen. Andy is upset because Merilwen wasn't even a chair!
- Corazón blows his cover:Johnny: Did that chair just say "Chair"?
Andy: Merilwen, turn into a bear!
- Johnny rolls a bunch of dice, and the upshot is that Merilwen is fine and Corazón gets thrown overboard.
- Prudence dubs herself and the forces under her command (i.e. Egbert) "Team Evil".
- Corazón circles the ship in speedchair form while humming the Jaws theme. Based on Johnny's rolls, this causes them to run aground and ruins the business.Andy: WE'RE HEROES!
- Dob explains that they appear to be back where they started but also they've ruined a business.
- Buying chairs at 3 in the morning is difficult, apparently.
- Corazón hasn't quite got the hang of this whole morality thing:Corazón: While you're shaking that person, could you also rob them for me?
- Johnny threatens to leave if Dob stuffs his latest New Friend in a papoose.
- They wake a shop owner up at the arse end of the morning to "do a survey". This dissolves into chaos.
- When the door is opened, Merilwen, in cat form, goes in and out several times.
- They don't make friends with the shop owner they interrogate.Johnny: What tavern were you in, so I can avoid ever going there?
- They eventually connect over a mutual interest in beating the hell out of the Derosas, culminating in a ridiculously well-drawn map of how best to break into the Derosas' shop, before Corazón ruins it by demanding tea.
- Mike apparently had a bad experience at IKEA given that he keeps proposing that various furniture sellers do things like force people to assemble the stuff themselves and charge the same amount, or build a one-way system in to confuse and exhaust people into buying something.
- Corazón Refines an Approach:Andy: I bang on the door and shout "FOR GOD'S SAKE, CHAIRS!"
- Corazón just seems to have a deep-seated hatred for tea sets given that he keeps sweeping them off tables.
- They decide to claim and restart the tavern from the beginning as a trap for the evil antiques dealers.
- Dob's montage song.
- Corazón's gift for Convincing Aliases continues with the birth of publican "John Pubsman".
- Chaos continues.Luke: We should disguise Corazón as a chair!
Andy: I transform into boat form.
- Their gift for planning continues apace.Johnny: Send a cat to the appointment, I love it.
- The new musical trigger for sleep is Sara Bareilles' "Love Song", played slowly and quietly.
- They throw the unconscious guards in the sea. Dob is sure they'll be fine.
- It turns out that Channail is partially responsible for this, earning a Big Word Shout of "CHANNAIL!" from Corazón.Ellen: Is there weaving, 'cause that would be wicker wicker wild wild wood.
Egbert: Dob, could you throw Merilwen in the sea as well?
- Luke provides some advice when Ellen is cautious about throwing a cat into the ocean:Luke: Turn into a bear on the way down, think of the cannonball!
- The resolution:Johnny: And that's the story of how you put half of Port Fairwind in the ocean.
- Johnny confesses at the end that this was the biggest derail they'd managed in the entire history of the Oxventure, which is pretty impressive given literally every campaign they've ever done.
Story 9: "Brawl of the Wild"
- Introductions continue to be wild, with Corazón's description mentioning the word "sexy" three times and Jane describing Prudence as being on a quest for "whatever the opposite of atonement is" (Mike concludes that would just be "tonement").
- Because Corazón is a slow learner, Dob has all his money.Dob: How much is a round? Fifty gold?
- Audience participation gets off to a rocky start, with a clap of thunder being...less than definitive.
- The wizard Binbag returns, prompting either Andy or Corazón to pinch the bridge of his nose and grumble.
- This exchange:Binbag: There is something rotten in the Deep Wood of Faramor.
Corazón: I thought that smell was you.
- And then the exchange is reiterated with Dob when he gets back from the bar.Binbag: (in his pseudo-Gandalfian voice) You guys are jerks.
- And then the exchange is reiterated with Dob when he gets back from the bar.
- The party attempts to outsource the mission to Merilwen so they can keep drinking.
- There's a digression on the phrase "If there's some animal cruelty you're not allowed to complain".
- Binbag continues to have a rough day:Binbag: They lack...muscle, they lack brawn. They lack...
Corazón: Cool sexy pirate.
Dob: Don't we all.
Johnny: Binbag floats a foot and a half above the table and says, [presents hand for a high-five] "Skin me".
- Johnny cuts off all of Ellen's options by specifying that it's a forest, not a wood, it is not wild, and it is to the East.
- The first person they meet has a Scandinavian accent that makes her sound like she's distantly related to the Swedish Chef, and her name is "Jetta Lagg". Ellen asks if she's Welsh, so Johnny changes the accent on the spot because he's not good at Scandinavian accents.
- The professor is incoherent due to their leather hazmat suit.
- Squirrels and bunnies in the forest have killed about 250 people between them.
- The party proposes just moving to a different forest.
- Dob is a bit of a Nightmare Fetishist:Dob: We could put out some bait.
Corazón: Like you!
- This culminates in Dob making himself taste and smell like cat food.
- Jetta climbs into Dob's all-purpose papoose, setting off in an argument over whether or not she should have to walk.Johnny: So now I have to figure out how to do 'Welsh baby'.
- Ellen has started offering to turn into a cat and let NPC's pet her in exchange for compliance. Johnny agrees after seeing someone in the front row gasp at the concept.
- Mike is worried that the squirrels may be converting into some kind of "squirrel Voltron".
- Corazón tries and fails to copy Merilwen's casting of mark of the wild, but this does earn Andy inspiration.
- "I cast dancing lights to turn into a sort of a disco."
- After Ellen's Narration Echo, Johnny comes up with a simile involving having too much soft drink at a disco just to see if she'll repeat it.
- The disguise procedure includes Egbert climbing a tree and planning to fight the squirrels, Corazón building a makeshift ghillie suit out of grass, and Dob hamming it up. Then Egbert falls out of the tree (before tying his rope into another one and just leaping into the branches), Corazón manages a stealth check so impressive that even he's not sure where he's hidden, and Prudence ends up just holding a branch in front of her face.
- Luke is shocked and traumatised by the Monster Manual.Luke: I just saw a thing and it looked like a starfish but real bad.
- Johnny has trouble finding "pig" in the Manualnote .
- "To its credit, the boar drops Dob as it roars at you."
- Corazón gets high on berries. This lasts the entire adventure.
- This exchange:Mike: How far am I from the boar?
Johnny: You are about eight foot [points horizontally] that way and about 25 feet [points down] that way.
Mike: I like those odds.
- Andy tells Mike to do a flip out of the tree. He's on board, comes up with an elaborate plan, and ends up taking six damage when his difficulty 20 roll comes up with a total of 5.
- Prudence concludes that Merilwen's tried and failed, and comes very close to taking a "tissue sample" in the same way that carpet bombing conducts architectural research.Crowd: (chanting) ELDRITCH BLAST! ELDRITCH BLAST!
Jane: Let's BBQ this thing.
Ellen: Lightly singed at best!
- The dead boar is a missed opportunity in multiple ways.Jane: You never even named him!
Mike: (disbelieving) You blew him in half!
- Merilwen is okay with killing animals as long as it's not frivolous and the parts are used. It takes them four seconds to abuse this.Corazón: I take a trotter and wear it as an amusing hat.
- Dob's new healing song is Atomic Kitten's "Whole Again."
- "Which of my legs is now unbroken?"
- When a tornado of squirrels turns up, Corazón immediately casts grease.
- The result is compared to "bowling a strike". One of the squirrels is knocked out on impact with Egbert's face.
- There is some confusion on the best way to find water, culminating in Corazón having a squirrel thrown at his head by an aggravated professor.
- The professor turns out to be Dob's long-lost sister. Luke spends a few seconds trying to process this, and Egbert cries (it turns out that dragonborn cry steam, incidentally).
- Corazón is still a bit stoned.Corazón: I was just napping, why are there two Dobs?
- The river is glowing green, so Corazón checks the calendar to see if it's St Patrick's Day. It is not.
- They invent pedallos to get up the river. Corazón declares that from now on they're named after him because he invented them. Apparently they look like a swan but with Corazón's face.Mike: Oh, that's horrifying.
Johnny: That's monstrous. I'm writing that down; you're gonna fight that one day. [loudly] A swan...with the face of...
Johnny: That's inspiration for...ever? Yeah, inspiration forever.
- When they're attacked by frenzied crocodiles, Luke attempts to solve it with crocodile trivia and Egbert attempts to use dragon breath as a jet booster.
- The contemporary references reach their peak with the popular travelling troupe "Shalt it Blend?"
- There's some discussion on whether Ellen's dice scaled down to match her.
- Luke explodes a crocodile and compares it to popcorn, earning a mixture of laughter and concern.Johnny: A piece of...I was going to say "crocporn" and that's not what I mean...popcorn crocodile, oh boy.
- In the cave that's the heart of the problem, they encounter a tripwire as thick around as a man's arm, and when Corazón disarms it with mage hand legerdemain, everyone treats him with a sort of condescending that's-nice attitude given that he's still stoned.
- It's the only way to be sure.Corazón: Prudence, eldritch blast the cave.
- When the team decides to use stealth, Prudence has the immensely bright idea of sending Corazón, who is still high as a kite, in first. Naturally Corazón's stealth goes poorly, so he sings a little sneaking ditty.
- It turns out that the problem is a kobold moonshine operation.
- "IT'S A RECTANGULAR CAVE WITH LOTS OF EMERGENCY EXITS!"
- Corazón tries to pass himself off as a still inspector.
- "Against my better judgment this is a 10 because kobolds be dumb."
- Ellen wants to know how the moonshine is arranged.Mike: We don't need another intoxicated person.
Johnny: Listen, if the wood elf wants to get s***faced-
- Ellen's eventual plan is, to quote Johnny, "such a good idea that I don't care that you're metagaming like hell".
- The now more-concentrated moonshine is "the 5-Hour Energy of really bad booze".Johnny: Honestly, if you drink this it'll send your grandparents blind.
- The kobolds don't notice that the inspector has sprinted from the room, and opt to just stand around pantomiming what an asshole they think he is.
- One of the kobolds has a drink of the booze, and apparently his grandparents respond to being spontaneously blinded with "Well this puts a damper on things".
- Egbert attempts to windmill dunk a bomb into the now fairly reactive booze. Mike insists that he's resistant to fire and as such is going to be fine.Mike: Have you heard the tale of NBA Jam? He's on fire. [beat] He's about to be on fire.
- Bardic inspiration.Luke: (singing) Egbert, you got this, it's gonna be explosive and rad!
- Mike is a gift to the DM.Luke: You were asked how long you set the fuse for, and you said a second.
Johnny: You sure did, Mike. You sure did. Okay.
Mike: I didn't wanna give them time to run away.
Johnny: That's fair. You haven't given them time to run away, and by them, I mean everyone.
- Jane attempts a Diving Save:Jane: I hurl myself bodily in front of [points at Ellen and Luke] these guys, wait, why am I doing that?
- A member of the audience helps her come up with an explanation: "they have nice stuff and I don't want it to burn."
- Corazón finds some weird-looking mushrooms.
- "Everyone has time just to see how pleased I look with myself." - Mike, one second before the explosion.
- Even Merilwen's animal forms now lack eyebrows.
- "They're all blind now. You've turned an entire forest blind."
- Andy proposes framing Alfred Strangetide.
- Dob learned his latest song from "a magical frog in a magical forest." It gradually transitions from "It's Not Easy Being Green" into the Vengabus.
Story 10: "Heist Society"
- Someone in the audience shouts, "We love you, Dob!" and is swiftly followed by someone saying "We love you, Corazón!"
- Andy introduces Corazón as the leader, on the grounds that "there are no audible rebuttals so that means it's true!" Sensing opportunity, Mike appoints Egbert vice leader, only to be overruled by Andy; Jane declares Prudence is head of security; Ellen proclaims that Merilwen is the "treasurer and cat", and Luke is specifically forbidden from making Dob vice treasurer, so based on an audience shout, he goes for head of PR.
- Since Dob can't be anywhere near the role of Treasurer, Corazón gives him the very important duty of...looking after a random egg.
- Johnny talks up how relaxing this session is going to be, with nothing exciting or deadly, and can't quite keep a straight face while he does so.
- Dob ends up having to do a desperate grab to save his egg from being thrown at a man in the stocks.
- Corazón, at the end of a sad story:
- Egbert mentions a lack of papooses as a benefit of the team's plans. Naturally, Dob decides that the egg needs to be papoosified, and Corazón draws a face on it.Corazón: I was gonna call him Egbert, but we already have one of those.
Corazón: He can be Egbert 1, and you can be Egbert 2.
Egbert: What? I've been demoted?!
- We receive conclusive proof that Corazón's plans are created by yelling an idea out and seeing what happens.
- The lord is throwing a celebratory masquerade party about the execution of the quest giver. The Oxventurers respond appropriately to this news, and the unjustly accused man begins to approach the Despair Event Horizon.Johnny: (as the quest giver) And I had you at "party", didn't I?
- Upon finding that the town's mask/costume shop is incredibly well stocked, Corazón starts looking for the officially licensed Corazón de Ballena mask, on the grounds that nobody would guess that he'd dress up as himself.Luke: How about we wear each other's masks?
Ellen: I go as Prudence, 'cause I think she's cool!
Jane: Awww...I'll be Prudence too.
- This continues until they have Corazón as himself, Prudence and Merilwen both as Prudence, Egbert as Dob and Dob as Egbert, and then...Andy: Wait, is there Batman?
Johnny: I think legally I'd have to say no?
- It turns out the store doesn't actually have licensed masks, but they do have bad knockoff masks they all wear instead.
- The team decides to wear some pretty weird stuff to the party, as if their masks weren't enough. Egbert ends up wearing a coat made of eighty wolves, Dob wears an electric blue tuxedo he has for some reason, Merilwen wears a Deadpool costume, and Prudence and Corazón both choose Sexy Whatever Outfits (Prudence a Minion, Corazón a nurse).
- It's so important to make a good first impression.Dob: We need to arrive in a cool carriage or no-one will take us seriously when we confidence our way in.
Egbert: Do we need to bring booze?
Dob: It's not a house party!
Egbert: It's a party in a house!
- That's, um, not how it works.Jane: Can you hotwire a carriage for us?
- Mike "hotwires" it by poking the horses with heated claws. This leads to Merilwen chewing him out for both hurting the horses and his wolf-fur coat as the horses take them up the street at breakneck speed.
- Luke's first plan for stopping a runaway carriage is to crash it into a lot of rich people. He has to be reminded that they have a druid in the party who can just ask them to stop.
- Luke proposes that they emerge from the carriage in slow motion, put on their masks, and throw the "horse keys" to the valet. Ellen gives him a comically intense quizzical look at that one.
- Following some minor chaos, we learn that there's a bag of defrosting beef mince in the carriage.
- When Jane specifies that she's wearing a sexy Minion costume, Andy remarks, "I mean, they're all sexy."
- Their eventual cover is that they're the band. Andy opts to make obscene hand gestures at the rest of the queue.Andy: Do I have to roll for how obscene?
- The guard that Prudence charms becomes a simpering toady on the spot.Prudence: The red room.
Guard: And what do you want in the red room?
- This choice does not go without criticism.Corazón: We have blood at home!
Dob: We have blood in Egbert!
Egbert: (indignantly) I need all my blood!
Corazón: Do you?
- Corazón's ability to convincingly maintain his cover lasts about four seconds in the presence of shiny objects.Andy: I start filing chunks off the gold statues.
Johnny: That's going to be a Dex/Sleight of Hand check.
Andy: (rolls) ...I stop filing chunks off the gold statues.
- When Hawthorne, the host of the party is about to do a speech, distracting most of the people in attendance, the group splits up to achieve their goals. Prudence, Merilwen, and Egbert stay on the ground floor to listen to the speech, but Johnny puts Egbert down as his own team.
- Dob, knowing that Egbert is most likely going to cause a scene anyway, suggests that they at least try to use it tactically.
- Dob and Corazón go upstairs to find evidence. To blend in, they start sneering and acting disgusted by the art. They take it a little too seriously.Corazón: LEARN TO PAINT, IDIOT!
- Corazón knows how to handle a difficult emotional situation.Corazón: We have to do something. [beat] You should do something.
- Dob and Corazón are less than effective at convincing Amelia of her ex-boyfriend's innocence.
- Egbert dances to a string quartet cover of "Disco Inferno".
- As soon as Hawthorne makes his entrance, all noise in the room is described to cease immediately.Jane: (points to Egbert) Even this guy?
Johnny: ...Roll me Wisdom/Insight.
- Hawthorne's speech begins with him announcing that a criminal has been stopped from stealing his most prized possession: the Emerald Tear. And his daughter.
- Luke spills a bottle of soda on his character sheet. The bottle won't stop fizzing over, so he ends up containing it by chugging until it stops overflowing.
- Corazón and Dob have very different ideas of searching for evidence, with Dob feeling along the walls and ceiling for secret passages and Corazón ransacking every single drawer.Johnny: So, that's a Wisdom/Perception check from you, Dob. Let's call it a 15, since Hurricane Corazón is just tearing through the room. [Corazón,] Let's call that an Intelligence/Investigation check, we'll just call it a 10. Because you are the hurricane.
- In the middle of describing what the Captain of the Guard looks like, Johnny remembers it's a masquerade ball and thus his face shouldn't be as visible as he just described it. He decides to fudge it and say he's just wearing a very small mask.
- While this is happening, Andy gets out of his chair and shares a note with Luke, leading them both to silently freak out.
- Merilwen bonds with the Captain over their mutual trait: cool face scars. Merilwen asks him how he got his.Captain: Well, I got it apprehending a criminal many, many years ago. I dare say before you were even born, my child!
Merilwen: I'm nearly 100!
- Rather inadvisedly, Egbert lets a drunk businessman tell him a riddle. It turns out Egbert doesn't even know what chess is, which is paramount to solving the riddle. Cue Egbert listening intently to a drunk man explaining what chess is.
- Egbert lights two cigars at once by sticking them in his nostrils.
- When Dob and Corazón read Hawthorne's journal, Dob falls over in shock. Then he picks himself up, only to fall over again. This time Corazón helps him up, only to fall over himself. Then Dob helps Corazón up and falls over again. This goes on for some time.
- Andy paces back and forth across the stage as Corazón tells Amelia the shocking truth about her parentage. Again, Amelia is unconvinced.
- After Andy has brought up the "lab results" multiple times, Amelia explodes:Amelia: WHAT'S A LAB?!
- Luke and Andy both fail spectacularly to roll for Persuasion.
- Jane seems surprised to learn that Andy was trying for a "cool lawyer" thing as opposed to a "harassing and kidnapping a nineteen-year-old" thing.
- Team Party, Team Stealth, and Team Egbert all end up in the same place again. Their new team name, as unanimously agreed upon, is Team Chaos Team.
- Before Johnny can even tell anyone to roll for initiative, this happens.Andy: (smacks table) I CAST GREASE!
- Dob leaps out of the way of Grease by leaping onto a chandelier. Luke asks if he can use the momentum from the jump to kick a guard out of a window, which Johnny allows purely because they're running out of time.
- The entire fight essentially turns into the team doing whatever they feel like in the interests of time.
- Andy fluffs his line:Corazón: I know we got off on the wrong foot, but would you like to possibly consider that your dad isn't real?
[Andy realizes what he just said]
- Egbert cracks the case.Egbert: I think I know where the gem is! It's behind his face!
Corazón: (buries his face in his hands)
- Their Fastball Special plan is known as "Bear Down Protocol". This consists of Merilwen turning into a cat, being thrown at someone's face, and then...Ellen: Just as I hit him - [holds up a teddy bear] I turn into a bear. I'm still in the Deadpool outfit. [dons fur hat and gloves]
- Corazón pinches the Emerald Tear during the confusion.
- During Amelia and Horatio's tearful reunion, the valet tears past in their carriage with a yell of "GOODBYEEEEE!"
Story 11: "Stop Hammer Time"
- It's revealed that not a single party member has slept or used the bathroom since they began adventuring together.
- The town they visit this time is so dilapidated that even the welcome sign has barely any letters left on it. It reads "WELCO E TO BUM", which the party wastes no time making innuendos for.
- Once Johnny verbalizes his regret in making Bum the town name, Ellen very hastily amends it to Bumble.
- Corazón immediately assuming the large crowd of people following them through town are fans of him.
- Egbert tries to break down the door of a crypt with his mace. Because Mike has a dodgy roll and narrowly hits the lowest necessary result, this manifests as Egbert tripping over his feet as he approaches the door and cracking it into oblivion.
- As the party recalls the events of "An Orcward Encounter" when faced with another magical relic, Dob is forbidden from touching it. Corazón uses his own magic to extract it from its resting place without touching it, but can't be bothered to do anything with it from there. Dob then touches the magical hammer anyway.Johnny: Nothing happens.
(Party collectively sighs in relief)
Johnny: ...For a few seconds.
- When an army of skeletons emerge from the ground, Egbert starts bashing them back into the ground, but he only targets the same three (of sixty) and refuses to stop even after it becomes apparent that the skeletons are unphased.
- The guild of Oxventurers, with Dob in the lead wielding a massive magic hammer, leave the never-before-opened crypt. Trailing behind them is a literal, genuine conga line made up of sixty skeletons. Unsurprisingly, the citizens of Bumble are horrified.
- The skeletons are under the team's command, but as the one who first held the hammer, Dob is the one who commands them the most. He uses this ability to create a corporate ladder with himself as the skeletons' boss.
- Dob decides that, to fix up the town, he should delegate one skeleton to task and coordinate all of the others.Corazón: I love how, in all the infinite possibilities of role-playing, you've given yourself a middle management position.
- The skeletons all huddle after Dob gives them order.Dob: Oh, god, they're unionizing!
- After the skeletons rebuild the town hall, they explain that they got the stone needed to do so from a nearby orphanage. Dob then asks them to build an orphanage full of orphans, this time using stones from a quarry so they don't have to tear down other buildings. This time, things go much better...at least in the eyes of Dob and Prudence. Everyone else can tell that this particular orphanage is very wet. And very red. The skeletons don't appear to realize that orphans are less than ideal mortar material.
- That's...really not how it works.Dob: I would like to attempt to cast Mend on the orphans.
- Prudence is comically delighted by the idea of zombie orphans.
- It doesn't work, so Dob's second decision is to sit down and cry.
- Dob now canonically has the blood of fifteen orphans on his hands.
- The skeletons are unhappy with having to build things without maiming or killing anyone, and when they try to break this to the team, Prudence acts as if they're breaking up with her.
- The only way the skeletons can be freed from the contract is to kill the Oxventurers. They instead offer to gift the hammer to one of the skeletons or another person who they can serve...only to ditch that idea for no reason and opt to play skeleton Fortnite instead.
- As soon as the team defeats all sixty skeletons, they're greeted by a mob of townspeople clutching pitchforks and torches. The first thing they say?Townsfolk: (calm, but insistent) Please leave.
Story 12: "Spell Check"
- The lack of drink choices at the Scratchy Parchment causes the team to get a little creative when Egbert is looking for a drinkCorazon: I cast Dancing Lights in order to make his drink look like it has a sparkler in it.Egbert: (delightful gasp)Dob: I cast Prestidigitation in order to create the illusion of a cocktail umbrella.Egbert: (Even more delightful gasp)Corazon: I cast Grease to make it taste terrible.Egbert: Awww.
- The Casual Danger Dialogue when the Oxventure Guild realizes they're being drugged.Corazon: What we need, is to mix one drink of poison with one drink of water so we don't feel sick later.Dob: Barkeep! Another round, and no poison in it this time, you rascal.Barkeep: What do you mean this time.Dob: Well, you're obviously poisoning us (Dob then passes out)
- After the gang is drugged and imprisoned, the first thing Egbert does upon waking up is vomit ostentatiously. This somehow translates to him projectile vomiting into the adjacent cell. All over Merilwen.
- Merilwen stays covered in sick for the entire campaign.
- Everyone except Egbert just wakes up on the floors of their cell. Egbert, on the other hand, wakes up in a bathtub full of ice as a victim of Organ Theft. Corazón doesn't seem very concerned, initially.Corazón: Better out than in, as they say.
Egbert: "Better out than in" doesn't apply to organs!
- Occasionally, Corazón laments that he could've made easy money selling Egbert's organs.
- The realization that the party cannot use their magic, as it is being siphoned.Dob: It looks like our magic is being blocked. Which is the absolute worst possible thing that could happen, because that means we need to rely on our wits. (Merilwyn blanches)
- The prison guard they kidnap/befriend explains that the group he works for steals magic energy and "interesting organs" from travelers.
- Prudence, being Prudence, is intrigued by the huskified remains of people who had their magic completely drained. And brings some along for later.
- The prison guard is supposed to participate in the plan to attack Lady Lilliana by announcing Dob. Thanks to Dob, these attempts get increasingly theatrical and ridiculous.Christopher: You'll NEV-er guess who IIIIII FOOOOUNNNDD!
- Dob desperately attempts to charm the villain of the adventure with poetry as a distraction while his teammates discuss sandwiches and fail to actually do anything because Dob didn't say the exact phrase. After about a minute of this, Egbert just barges through the door and throws his mace at a tank of magical goo.
- Dob's poetry plan doesn't go much better. He plans on telling the villain how beautiful and smitten he was to meet her. Johnny forces Dob to roll so that she doesn't immediately try to kill him. One roll later, and Lilliana thinks that Dob's poetry is So Bad, It's Good and lets him talk because its Actually Pretty Funny.
- Corazon and Prudence's job is to sneak into the room while Dob has Lady Lilliana's attention. They then fall into the magical goo. While Prudence uses it to super power herself, Corazon just creates a vortex of sandwiches.
- Egbert's plan for beating the boss.Egbert: I'm going to cast Command and order her to surrender.
Interlude: "The Levelling"
- Luke's in-character decision for learning Speak With Dead is that Dob would very much like to apologise to the orphans he accidentally killed.Luke: Let's go apologize to some paste!
- Jane reads out the terrifying flavour text for Hunger of Hadar with the air of one picking their favourite dish off the menu at an Italian restaurant.Johnny: I don't blame you but I definitely don't like it.
- Mike's reasoning for choosing Locate Object:Mike: I suspect with D&D, you're not supposed to just choose spells that help with the immediate problem you have, but Egbert's real annoyed about losing his kidney...
- Johnny's unnecessarily fancy dice cause some problems, with both Jane and Luke barely being able to read them.
Story 13: "Out of Order"
- There is so much discussion of Corazón's new hat.
- Egbert's bull-headed god is consistently referred to as a "divine cow".
- The party spends a lot of time preparing to put Egbert out of his misery if necessary, with Corazón seeming to prefer that option to all of the others.
- Having been tasked to find a quest to prevent a great evil, they come to the annual Quest Giver's Fair, which has quests of all shapes, sizes and alignments. In order to find an appropriate one, they ask Sir Jeeves, at the information desk, and he leads a number of questgivers to them. These include:
- Because Egbert is Persona Non Grata in Mistmire, they disguise him as a giant seahorse, complete with draping him in seaweed. Luke rolls a 24, and it works.Johnny: You think that there might actually be an industry in this special effects business.
- Corazón, naturally, tries to stick him in a tent and starts charging people money to see the World's Largest, Weirdest Seahorse.
- When Corazón discovers that they're chasing a guy named Jacques Darkfall, he's upset that he didn't think of that name first.
- Corazón now has "Rogue-O-Vision" for thieves' notes, which it turns out are reviews like "10/10 Would Rob Again".
- The new folktales include "The Song of the Teletubbies" and "Yon King of the Lions".
- Corazón has to check a stolen pocket watch to find out it's late afternoon (as in, that's literally written on the dial).
- Prudence's new spider climb spell terrifies and disconcerts the party because of course it does.
- Corazón keeps asking Merilwen questions in cat form and earning a "meow" in response.
- Dob ends up using calm emotions to solve the serious problem that...the bar owner is getting really hostile about wanting to buy Merilwen in cat disguise.Luke: (singing) It's cool to own no cats actually!
- When the bar owner calms down, Corazón gets really pissy about nothing in particular.
- One minute after the spell goes off, they hear a bellow of "I DID WANT A CAT!"
- Corazón has very distinct morals: as long as Egbert's sin wasn't hurting a cat, strangling a bard, chopping off a tiefling's horns, or sinking a pirate's ship, he's not fussed what it is.
- Corazón and Prudence treat Egbert with a sort of condescending that's-nice disdain when he insists that his paladin order isn't just a cult.
- "For absolutely no reason, what's your Wisdom modifier?"
- Prudence proposes the straightforward approach of just warning the paladins, and both Corazón's and Egbert's sprites immediately shift to "I guess" expressions.Dob: They might not believe her because of how we look and are.
- When Andy reveals his new disguise self, Dob gets a bit huffy about the seahorse thing. Meanwhile as Corazón explains how he had to teach himself that spell, Prudence is immensely unimpressed and proceeds to take the piss out of him.
- This leads to an aggravated Corazón proceeding to disguise himself as Dob and then throw a brick through the window of the nearest bank...despite the fact that Dob offered a modest defence of Corazón's approach to magic.
- Dob, as part of his flailing attempts to present himself as some sort of Interpol agent, tries to "radio this one in".Paladin: (gruffly) What's a radio?
- Out of nowhere, Egbert brings up the time he got covered in urine.
- Dob demands that everyone should reveal themselves.Everyone: (in chorus) We don't reveal ourselves.
- Mike realises a problem:Mike: Who sets up a bank next to the thieves' quarter?!
- Games-mastering is fun:Johnny: (grinning) You're filled with a massive sense of foreboding, 'cause you know it's horrible down there!
- Merilwen's bear form is used as impromptu transportation. This causes problems when Prudence and Dob, riding on Merilwen's back, are caught in a fire trap, which adds "burning hair" to an already terrible smell.
- When Jane compares something to salmon swimming upstream, Ellen (in bear form) sits bolt upright and says "salmon?"
- The paladin from earlier is dubbed "Fancy Dragonboy".
- They disguise Corazón as "Chauncey", a nebbishy klutz of a paladin with a perpetually breaking voice, who apparently loved it when Egbert was around because it was the only way for him to look cool.
- Bearilwen ends up communicating through charades. Her plan is to create a skunk smell in the courtyard. This causes certain confusion over what she means by "skunk".Johnny: Four and twenty and blazin' it.
- Just the phrase "and when they're distracted: bear!"
- Jane tries and fails to portray Prudence as being concerned with avoiding unnecessary loss of life. Prudence.
- When they roll for stealth (with Dob and, oddly, Egbert doing great, and Merilwen and Prudence beefing it), Johnny describes how effectively Egbert oozes out of the sewers like a shadow...Johnny: And then a goddamn bear comes out.
- Naturally, this causes absolute chaos.
- When they encounter Corazón again, Andy starts doing a deeper-than-normal voice in order to balance out his time doing the squeaky and unstable Chauncey voice.
- Egbert falls into the well. While covered in sewage.
- The chase is, as one would expect, chaotic, with things like a banjo track playing on the soundtrack, Dob slapping the false identity of "Rachel the Bear" on Merilwen, and Dob trying to fast-talk everyone.Dob: Do I look like I have time for all due respects?!
- Luke decides to hide in the water because it sounds useless but fun.
- They end up making a fake well with magic.
- Dob hides the real well behind a tarp and writes an extraordinarily detailed note on it.
- Jacques Darkfall has an extremely bad French accent. Mostly.Johnny: Why is he suddenly German?
- Corazón, in general, comes across as if he's crushing hard on Jacques Darkfall. His opening gambit in combat is to compliment his enemy's boots.Prudence: Corazón, stop looking.
Corazón: I'm just...determining tactical weaknesses.
- Egbert opts to grab Darkfall because he doesn't want to kill anyone on consecrated ground.
- "That was the longest conversation anyone has ever had in a single combat round."
- Luke's impromptu grappling ditty. And his impromptu speak with dead ditty.
- "Do his clothes stay on?" (Strangely enough, not coming from Andy, despite Corazón's general demeanour; this comes from Luke!)
- Mike's next gambit is to command Darkfall to disrobe, on the grounds that he would lose his armour. Merilwen covers her eyes; whereas Corazón is, in Andy's words, "fine with it".Mike: ...But also, Corazón, if you wanna see those sweet pecs...
- When Johnny rolls to resist that, he just pauses for a few seconds, then pinches the bridge of his nose.
- Jacques Darkfall, sans clothes, is shown with the same face as in previous illustrations, but the body is pink and heavily pixellated.
- Following Darkfall's death by mauling, Corazón steals his clothes.
- When they're trying to figure out Darkfall's motives by way of speak with dead, Corazón proposes that he could dress up as The Grim Reaper in order to get truthful answers out of him. Luke, naturally, endorses this plan 100%.
- Darkfall is as obtuse and metaphorical in his answers as possible.Dob: Merilwen, take this down.note
Corazón: Third question. What does that mean?!
- Corazón has a difficult choice for the final question: it's got to be either "do you know Egbert the Careless" or "is Corazón a cool better rogue than you".
- When he does ask about Egbert, all that comes out is "Who?" before Darkfall faceplants back to the ground.
- Dob can't wait to visit "that bar called The Comments".
- Corazón's Death costume nearly gets him killed by Shattershield.
- When they learn that Darkfall was involved, Corazón gets sidetracked by throwing a tantrum about how cool he is and how much Darkfall sucks in comparison.
- Dob angrily locks eyes with Shattershield as they leave and hisses "Morality is subjective..."
- "She took my kidney, which is probably still the property of the Order..."