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Funny / Night Court

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  • Just about anytime John Astin showed up as Buddy.
  • The absolutely ridiculously unlucky Bob and June Wheeler.
    • They admit they're not from West Virginia but picked it as "it was the most exotic place we could think of."
    Harry: So where are you guys from?
    June: Isn't it obvious from our accents?
    Harry: You mean...
    Bob: Yugoslavia.
    • The gang basically just has enough of these two.
    Christine: Due to the...pathetic circumstances, I move for a dismissal.
    Harry: Prosecution?
    Dan: ...Let's just hang them, put them out of their misery...
  • In "Constitution, Part 2", as Dan is trying to administer an insulin shot to a hallucinating Roz, while she is standing on a roof ledge.
    Roz: What's that behind your back?
    Dan: (Beat) New Jersey!
  • In "Yet Another Day In The Life", an entire case was carried out in Seussian verse. For reference the case is about a mother assaulting Dr Seuss Expy Doctor Wiggles when her son broke his arm imitating "the Snurt", a character from Wiggle's book "Fleas In Your Trees, No Sneezes Please".
    Wiggles: Oh please, I never meant the boy any harm. It was purely his folly that broke his arm. The Snurt is a snoozle and not real at all. You can't blame a snoozle for calling his fall.
    Christine: But sir, the boy only climbed in the tree because of a drawing on page thirty-three.
    Dan: Your honor, she hit the poor man with her shoe.
    Wiggles: You can see the spots clearly. Bump one and bump two.
    Christine: I object.
    Dan: You object?
    Harry: Overruled.
    Mac: This is stupid.
    Bull: On Donner, on Blitzen, on Comet and Cupid!
    Harry: Well I'm fining you fifty and that should be it.
    Dan: Now get outta here you dumb little sh-
    Harry: Dan!
  • In "Danny Got His Gun, Part 1", Dan - who is in the US Army Reserves - is called into active duty. Fearful that he is going to be sent into a war zone, Dan tries to provoke Bull into injuring him so he's unfit for combat duty. However Bull was on to him and refused to take the bait. Among the many insults he throws at Bull...
    Dan: Your mother conceived you in the backseat of a clown car!
    • Later, Dan plots to fake several physical injuries to get out of going. His tune changes and he has a miraculous recovery when he finds out that his commanding officer, Major Savage, is an Action Girl and that the mission involves them posing as a couple and going undercover at an exotic resort, in order to do reconnaissance on a Banana Republic. And that's when Dan's Plan C kicks in as his Bumbling Sidekick Phil the Bum shows up with flowers, candy and a declaration of his love for Dan.
    Dan: It's not what you think! I'm paying him!
    Major Savage: (Beat) That's even MORE disgusting!
    • At the end of the episode, the courthouse receives a telegram about how Dan's plane crashed just north of Hudson and he's presumed dead. He bribes the guy delivering the telegram to sing it, with him doing so in the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" to the first part of the telegram. As everyone else is in shock over the possibility of Dan being dead, Bull proceeds to continue singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
  • The Season 5 Halloween episode "Safe" has Dan thinking that he has literally sold his soul to the devil, leading to:
    Dan: He knows everything! Every lie, every sleazy deal, things I never told anyone!
    Mac: Except me!
    Dan: [...] You. You? YOU!!! Oh thank God!! [keels over]
    • Even better is Mac's response when Dan recovers.
    Dan: WHY?!
    Mac: (barely repressing a giggle) The Devil made me do it.
  • In "Earthquake", as Harry complains about the monotony of the cases being brought before him recently, two sumo wrestlers in full costume are escorted in.
    Harry: Sumos again?
  • Harry tells someone he has every Mel Torme record ever released:
    Harry: I'm gonna marry the girl that's impressed by that.
  • From the first episode: Harry had been making decisions by flipping a coin, which he chose to refer to as "The Coin of Justice", such as saying that if the coin came up "Heads", he'd remain a judge, and "Tails", he'd resign. Then he told Carla B. that if it was "Heads", he'd fine her, and "Tails" he'd jail her, leading to the line "The Defense wants Heads, Your Honor!". And again, it was Heads. We finally learn that Harry was using a Two-Headed Coin.
  • This scene from "Still Another Day In The Life".
  • In "I'm OK, You're Catatonic/Schizophrenic", Dan accidentally destroys Harry's Mel Torme record collection. Harry has to be physically restrained when he's informed of this. Filled with rage, we get this classic line:
    Harry: I am going to Eat...His...Eyebrows!
    • This episode also featured a cameo by Mel Torme, who gave Harry his complete discography after hearing what happened to his biggest fan. Unfortunately, Harry was unaware of this development and already had executed his revenge on Dan by taking apart Dan's car piece-by-piece in his office. A distraught Dan grabs his car-less steering wheel and pretends to drive before Night Court's typical freeze-frame then credits ending.
  • Then there's the discussion of "Edward Lotz, aka Crazy Eddie, aka 'Eddie the Machete', aka 'Edward Scissor-Glands'":
    Christine: Something tells me this guy's gone way beyond white-collar.
    Dan: Don't be silly. He's only wanted for... (reads rap sheet) performing plastic surgery without a license.
    Christine: (takes rap sheet, continues reading) ...and without anesthesia... and without permission!
  • Dan's monologue in Harry's darkened office as the "Phantom of the Courthouse".
    (chuckles) Ah yes, poor Dan. Most of his friends think he's guilty. (Evil Laugh, suddenly stops) What am I laughing at? I'm Dan. No, I'm not. (starts wandering around the room waving his hands) Now, I am the Phantom of the Courthouse. And no, Inspector Pepitone, you will not bring Dan Fielding to justice because there is no (billow cape) jus-tice in this buil-ding (Evil Laugh). Not yet anyway. But soon I will remedy that, (raises cape with both hands) I will vanquish the guilty! I will punish the wick-ed! (rushes to the desk) I will take this stapler because I need one. And, I will raid the refrigerator, (laugh) because the Phantom's lair is short on half and half! Now I must prepare, because my time is near. The time of... the Phantom! (Evil Laugh, runs into the couch) Ouch! (sad voice) The Phantom banged his shin. (waves hands) I'll have to take that out... on someone. (Sting, Dan climbs out the window)
  • "The Wheels of Justice, Part 1": When the state announces it didn't meet the budget deadline and state employees won't get paid, Dan flips out and tosses the mini-television they heard this on out the window screaming that he only has twelve cents in the bank.
    Dan: I don't know what came over me. Harry, I'm sorry about your TV.
    Christine: Let me tell him.
    Dan: Tell me what?
    Christine: It was Bull's.
    Dan: Aaaaah! [Bull angrily gets up and begins advancing on Dan] He's getting up... He's coming over here! [Dan spins around to face Bull] Money or revenge?
    Bull: Revenge. [Dan takes off his watch, frantically smashes it with his shoe and proffers the remains to Bull] Thank you.
  • "Russkie Business":
    • Funny Foreigner Yakov is desperate for a way back to Russia to take care of his sick mother. The official who originally denied Yakov's application for a travel visa - a stereotypical large Russian woman - takes a liking to Dan and tells him that she could make an exception for Yakov if Dan slept with her. When Dan tells everyone else about this breech of protocol...
      Yakov: Mr. Fielding! You would do this for me?
      Dan: I'd sooner do it WITH you.
      Yakov: (beat) Well, if you think it would help...
      Dan: NO!
    • Also from "Russkie Business", One running gag of the episode had Christine being overly sensitive about her appearance, after Harry pointed out a small dent under her eyebrow. At the end of the episode, Bull delivers a note, apparently written by a secret admirer, talking about how beautiful Christine is and how the author would like to take her to dinner. When Christine assumes that the note was just an effort by everyone else to make her feel better and storms off offended, Bull walks across the cafeteria to another table.
      Bull: Sorry. I guess she wasn't interested.
      (The camera pans over to reveal The Tonight Show host Johnny Carson)
      Johnny Carson: I'm sorry to hear that.
      Bull: Excuse me, but aren't you married now?
      Johnny Carson: (confused) I - I don't know.note 
  • In "The Former Harry Stone," everyone begins to question how old Harry is, so a pool is setup and ages are picked while they wait for his record to come in. At the end of the episode, Harry tells them he's 34. Everyone eagerly checks the list for who picked 34.
    Dan: Who's H.T.S.?
    (realization, as everyone looks at Harry)
    Harry: (smiling) Call it a hunch.
  • "The Game Show":
    • Bull is going on a local game show to raise the money needed to save the after-school program he works for but is afraid he'll crack under pressure. Dan, who knows something about hypnosis, tries to hypnotize Bull to be more confident whenever he hears a certain key phrase. Owing to bad timing due to Dan's attempting to pick up a passing woman, the phrase used is "I want to be your love slave." Christine goes to the studio with Bull and hilarity and confusion ensue as she tries to activate the phrase.
      Christine: You're not going to be nervous because... (sultry) I want to be your love slave.
      Bull: Say, that IS good news!
      Christine: No, Bull. You don't understand... (slowly and deliberately) I want to be your love slave!
      Bull: Christine, you're making my brain sweat!
    • Eventually, they figure out that the person who said the catch phrase needs to be the one one to trigger it. Dan races to the TV studio, but is unable to speak to Bull in the break between rounds. It isn't until Bull has overcome his fear and won the game on his own that Dan is eventually able to force his way on the stage to shout "Bull! I want to be your love slave!" on live TV before a crowd of millions.
  • In "Snoop And Nuts, Part Two", this exchange after Harry and Buddy start talking about their relationship now that Harry knows Buddy is his biological father.
    Harry: If you'd had the chance to name me, what would it have been?
    Buddy: Oh, that's easy! I would have named you Mel!
    Harry: Really?!
    Buddy: The greatest voice in the world!
    Harry: You would have named me after Mel Torme?!
    Buddy: No! Mel Blanc!
  • In one episode we discover that Bull carries all his money on his person. Mac asks him why he doesn't do something safe, like put it in a bank.
  • "Her Honor, Part 1": Bob and June Wheeler make a return visit to the court. Hilarity Ensues.
    Mac: Well, we got a surprise for you, sir: some old favorites making a return appearance.
    Harry: Do I get a hint?
    Mac: Well, let me see...the squad car that took 'em to the police station was destroyed by a bolt of lightning.
    Harry: (Realization dawns) You mean...?
    Bob: Hello. It's us.
    Harry: Bob and June Wheeler, you Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads! What the heck brings you by?
    Mac: They were picked up on a 509(b) violation, sir.
    Harry: 509?
    Mac: Uh-huh.
    Harry: (b)?
    Mac: Yeah.
    Harry: I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.
    Dan: Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It involves the illegal detonation of poultry.
    Harry: Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more-widely-used explosives.
    Christine: Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.
    Harry: So all the would-be chicks are now...
    Dan: Quiche, yes, sir. It seems as though Darla and Alfalfa here got an incubator with a faulty shutoff valve.
    Bob: It was a nightmare. The god-awful smell of meringue. The blood-curdling peeping.
    • Why Bob and June tried their hand at worm farming before egg farming:
      Dan: Ah, there's a picture. You two hunched over a big vat of pink, juicy wigglers.
      Bob: We were seduced by the glamour of it all.
      Harry: OK, what happened to the worms?
      Bob: Stampede.
      [Harry nods with a "thought so" look.]
      June: It was like all the pasta you ever ate in your life coming back to get you.
    • June notes how Bob hasn't been the same since his Granny died. The gang all give each other long looks.
      Christine: Oh, what the hell, someone has to ask! How did she die?
      Bob: She passed away in her sleep.
      Harry: That's it? She was just sleeping peacefully?
      Bob: Yes...on the railroad tracks.
      (that last line prompts not only John Larroquette to turn his head away as he struggles to hold himself together, Harry turns his head away with a semi Face Palm with how ridiculous this sounds).
    • Finally hearing enough, Harry demands they cut to the chase; Dan explains the actual offense ("Destruction of neighboring property, sir, to the tune of about 85 bucks") and Harry decides to just let them off with paying for the damages. Christine asks if paying will be an issue, and they then reveal that the coffee can they carried into the courtroom was full of money.
      Dan What do you got in there? A dead rat and a pack of Necco Wafers?
      Bob: No. $250,000.
      (June opens the can; Dan gasps like a little girl)
      Bob: We ate the Necco Wafers.
  • In the Clip Show episode simply called "Clip Show", the framing device is that the gang is under investigation by the city for the numerous expenses they claimed during Harry's tenure as a Night Court judge. Everyone describes the bizarre things that have taken place in the courtroom and how those related to the various expenses. Even after a disgruntled clown takes them all hostage, the auditor refuses to believe that strange things just happen in Judge Stone's court... until there is a loud noise from the courtroom and everyone enters to find Bull standing in the middle of the room with a full-grown elephant. Shaken, the auditor says, "I believe everything you say."
    • The Crowning moment comes when the oblivious Bull turns around, having not noticed the benches behind him and the wall being destroyed, and admonishes the elephant...
    Bull: Murray! I told you to wait in the car!
  • From the end of "Murder": When Dan gets news about having his sperm test's results mixed up with another patient's:
    Dan: I haven't had sex for two weeks... it's 3:00 in the morning, and I don't have a date!
    (Dan leers at a cafeteria table where Harry and company are sitting)
    Roz: Run for your lives, girls!
    (all the women in the cafeteria scramble for the exits as the men stay behind; Dan continues to leer at Harry, Bull, and Mac)
    Harry: (pauses before looking around) Better safe than sorry, guys!
    (everyone besides Dan scrambles for the exits as well)

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