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Funny / My Brother, My Brother and Me

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The Podcast

  • The Yahoo Answers (or Yahoos). Pretty much all of them, primarily due to Griffin's overenthusiastic readings (and the way he overtly pronounces every spelling or grammatical mistake).
  • Early on in the podcast run, Griffin used to record jingles for products and services and other shows that paid to advertise with them. One in Episode 47, meant for a website design service called Media Lab, loses the plot very quickly.
    Griffin: (singing) I made a photoshop with me/and my best friend, Michael Jordan/actually, it was me and Michael Jordan and the cast of Space Jam/it was called "Me and Space Jam"
    Griffin: I gotta do another verse! Didn't even mention a thing!
    Griffin: (singing) I took "Me and Space Jam"/and I turned it into a website/using Media Lab's Site Grinder technology/you can visit it, visit it, visit it/at
    • Bonus points: was an active website for quite some time.
  • The Yahoo in which the brothers try to think of names for a chinchilla breeding business. It does not go well.
    Griffin: Chin Deep Exotics? Oh, that's not good.
  • A listener in Episode 88 asks what to do for a gay friend's bachelor party "with a 50/50 split between gays and straights, with some lesbians thrown in for color". After first suggesting they cater to everyone and offer "a Caligulan miasma of genital delights", the brothers imagine the sort of cake that might be made for this party. In Cake Boss voices. It goes off the rails very quickly and devolves into about thirty seconds of nothing but the brothers unable to recover from laughing fits.
    Justin: This cake's made of sand, and also I'm a ghost!
    • Bonus points for Griffin barely being able to emit the words "Cake Boss" in the middle of his laughing.
  • In Episode 100, the brothers discuss kinks and how you shouldn't just publicly discuss them. Griffin claims he's into putting his penis "in a waffle iron...or maybe a sandwich maker, make a pa-nenis." Justin is unable to keep it together.
    Travis: Wait, I'm sorry, did you say "pa-nenis"?
    Justin: And the Oscar for podcasting goes to...
  • "WAIT A MINUTE! Stop the world, I want to get off! Did you just say 'sow your seed in a field of pussies!?'"
  • In Episode 124, "This Is Our Rumours", a listener question about the asker's pregnant wife eating 18 bagel bites for lunch leads the brothers to discuss the song "I Don't Call Him Daddy", sugar gliders, and Alvin and the Chipmunks' fourth brother. The following Yahoo, a question about eating too much oatmeal, keeps them on the same free-association track for a while on the subjects of Man Vs. Food, Coco Wheats, and "I Don't Call Him Daddy" again.
  • The brothers' attempt to make a completely PG advertisement for Extreme Restraints, an online BDSM sex shop, results in product descriptions such as "a juicer for really skinny cucumbers" and "is your kids' Harry Potter pretending not upsetting enough? Have I got a wand for you!"
    • Griffin's first song ad for Extreme Restraints advertises "an electroshock paddle that goes on your balls", "a ghost you can fuck every night", "a sexual fish tank", and "all the good chicken pot pie recipes on the forums".
  • The Legend of Tit Liquid is born!
  • Griffin's rage at Justin's attempt to deny that he lives on island time a lot more often than he admits:
    Griffin: I have Spotify right here on my computer. Do you want me to blast you? Do you want me to put you on blast? 'Cause I got your history right here in the sidebar; "Take It Back" by Jimmy Buffett; "Nautical Wheelers" by Jimmy Buffett; "Jolly Mon Sing" by Jimmy Buffett. "Steamer" by Jimmy Buffett! "Treat Her Like A Lady" by Jimmy Buffett! "Mañana" by Jimmy Buffett! "When Salome Plays The Drum" by James Buffett! "Havana Daydreaming" by Jimmy Buffett. What the fuck happened to you? Are you HAUNTED? Are you fucking POSSESSED? YOU USED TO BE MY BROTHER!
    Justin: (through tears of laughter) I had a case of the Mondays!
  • Advertisement:
  • Glass Shark, which takes childhood anxiety, a faux Cajun agent, and Justin's improv skills and turns them alchemy-like into 90 amazing seconds of comedy.
    Justin: Glass shark, he luf da fat kid.
  • Justin tries to cap off the Anxiety-Free Cruise with a soothing rendition of Jimmy Buffett's "Boat Drinks", which Griffin and Travis spend the whole time ruining by singing other songs, trying to turn the song into a round, and just yelling, among other things. At one point Justin gets annoyed enough to take off his headphones, which Griffin and Travis delightedly realize means they can say anything they want.
    Griffin: Hey everybody, Jimmy Buffett sucks!
    Travis: Justin is piloted by fart sperm!
    • At the end of the song:
    Griffin: My anxiety is through the fucking roof right now.
  • OOH MOMMY! (The Daniel Taste™)
  • Griffin describes an awkward sandwich shop via roleplaying, with him as the sandwich shop employee and Justin as him (23 min into Ep 302). Justin ruins the bit by playing Griffin as a socially awkward dweeb with a weird voice, so Travis volunteers to step in and play Griffin instead:
    Griffin: [as sandwich shop employee] Hey man, how was your weekend?
    Travis: [in an even more ridiculous voice than Justin] POKÉMON!
    Griffin: Alright, fuck you guys!
  • Justin's impromptu Austin Powers impression. Or rather, Austin Powers-having-a-stroke impression.
    • The question prompting such: "What themed party can I have for Halloween? I want to attract lots of lovely ladies! Oh behave!"
    • And the top answer to the question:
    Griffin: (through laughter) Can I share the top answer? The top answer from Yahoo Answers user Rock Titan says: (long pause) "...It's April."
    Everyone loses it.
  • Every one of Travis's Sad Libs (and how angry they make the other brothers).
    Travis: I wrote a little something...
    Griffin: FUCK!
  • Episode 242 is entitled "At the Mouth of Mango", and the reason for that is a spiral of madness that has to be heard to be believed. To recap: the brothers encounter an already-strange Yahoo asking "What are some sexy foods?"; this already triggers some goofs, but the real hilarity comes when Griffin discovers a truly bizarre response which apparently involves the user- Spanky Gazpacho DW- being sexually attracted to mangos. They go a little deeper and discover that Spanky Gazpacho also answered another question (asking whether anyone on the site knew someone nicknamed "Gazpacho"), which somehow also comes back around to the mango obsession. This leads Travis to go on a truly bizarre tangent in which he basically establishes a "bonkers religion" around Gazpacho and Mango; the other two brothers are audibly disturbed by this, with Justin claiming Travis has turned this episode into The Ring and Griffin claiming that they have tapped into some sort of Lovecraftian horror that doesn't belong in this world. Travis's totally calm demeanor during the whole thing is what really sells it.
  • Episode 265 is very different in structure from the other episodes, in that the brothers get so sidetracked during the intro they decide to just not answer any questions and just talk about their own lives. Episode highlights include:
    • The story of Justin's TV classmates figuring out how to put the words "JUSTIN IS A HOMOSEXUAL" on screen when Justin was on screen.
    • Balls Out United.
    • Griffin getting so angry at Justin trying to talk about candied bacon that he just pulls out his phone and starts playing Hearthstone.
    • Justin's frosted tips.
    • Justin's attempt to give his girlfriend a surprise ear piercing for her birthday.
  • Episode 287 has a bit that starts with discussion of Bob Ross and somehow turns into the brothers trying to get computer voices to say silly things. Justin wins the day by getting HIS voice to say "Premium. Fuck. Boy."
    • Bonus points for Travis's "Yaaaay!"
  • Episode 304 contains potentially "the meanest thing anybody's ever done on this show": the infamous "Coldplay Cry Baby" message.
    • The short version: A listener, Rishi, used the Jumbotron service to publicly air their best friend Avital's embarrassing LiveJournal entry about having a quasi-religious experience at a Coldplay show many years prior.
    Griffin: This is SO FUCKING SAVAGE!
    • The saga even continues. In Episode 307, a live show in which both Avital and Rishi were in attendance, the brothers access the entire LiveJournal entry live on stage, and have friend of the show John Hodgman dramatically read out the entire thing.
    • To round things out, in episode 356, Rishi sends another message to the show announcing the launch of a new website, Coldplay Crybaby, which contains a recreation of the entire LiveJournal entry.
  • The namesake of Episode 317's title, "Jimmy Buffett's Betrayal-ville", is a long and tragic story by Justin of his failed attempt to go to the Myrtle Beach Margaritaville restaurant on vacation. The too-long-didn't-listen version: The wait time is too long, so Justin is forced to go to Joe's Crab Shack ("America's second choice"), where he is made to wear a bib that says "Shrimpin' Ain't Easy" and has to listen to Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car" while a man making balloon animals circles dangerously close to his table.
    Justin: It was the worst day of my life, but the desserts were okay.
  • As the podcast has gone on, listener questions have gotten more and more bizarre and hilarious. Case in point: episode 347, where none of the brothers are able to handle "Idiot can't even make his own pancakes. How pathetic."
  • Early in Episode 345, the Candlenights episode recorded for the season finale of the brothers' TV show, a very embarrassed Griffin claims he's having the worst day of his life, and admits to causing some unfortunate trouble for Steve Williams, the Huntington mayor (featured in the TV show):
    Griffin: I bumped...or maybe even was kind of a kiss...this is not a joke, I kissed, with my car, the car that belongs to the mayor of Huntington.
    Justin: And when Griffin says HIS car, he does in fact mean MY car.
  • In Episode 349, Griffin does a bit where he goes on an overly excited rant about the Halo game series. Justin joins in. Travis does not.
    Travis: I just play Dragon Age.
    Griffin: That's not real gamers! Master Chief only! No, Master Chief's the only good game!
    Griffin: (post tirade) I was just possessed... by the Zuul, of having worked in the games industry for the last decade.
  • In Episode 356, "Face 2 Face: My Donut Loving Boys", the brothers are doing their live show in Austin, Texas, and get a question about a wrist injury - and between Griffin being a wiseass and Justin's perfect comedic timing, leads to one of the best self-owns on the show.
    Justin: Here’s another question. Oh, I like this question. "I am currently recovering from a wrist injury and have to -
    Griffin: From jerkin it?
    Justin: "-wear a brace. ... I often get asked what happened, and almost as often that question is followed up with them -
    Griffin, realizing too late what's about to happen: OH NO -
    Justin, smug as hell: "- saying a variation of 'Too much jerking off?' "
    Audience: (goes wild)
    Justin: We did it everybody, we did it.
    Travis: That's our Oscar.
    Justin: My honey pot has finally paid off.
    Griffin: Does it really fucking say that in the question?
    Justin: Yeah. "People think it's funny."
    Griffin: (collapses laughing and is too embarrassed to talk for several minutes)
  • The namesake bit of Episode 358, "Detective Jigsaw, My Very Best Friend". The boys try to answer a Yahoo about arresting a friend who doesn't know you're a cop, but halfway through the bit, Justin introduces a curveball: wouldn't it be even worse to find out that your friend was Jigsaw?
    "Jigsaw": Don't be a dick about this. I can't believe - I can't believe I have to explain this to you. The buttmeat portcullis maze trap, it's supposed to teach you the value of your life and stuff. I love you.
    • And then, near the end of the bit:
    Griffin: *grunts of pain* Okay, I filled up the bucket with my butt meat to open the portcullis, can I go?
    "Jigsaw": One moment, you're also under arrest, that's right!
    Justin and Travis: *losing it*
  • From Episode 361, "Gelsey Krammer", when Justin wanted ideas for license plates, Justin thought of "MamboNo5." Travis wonders if you could use a hashtag, as this exchange happens:
    Justin: If I could get a hashtag man, my Mambo No. 5 license plate would be off the chain. I would've already gotten it.
    Griffin: Jesus Christ, of course, because it stands in for No.. I thought the license plate would be #MAMBONO5...
    All of them start to laugh.
  • Episode 372 has a bit where the brothers discuss what to do for an audience member whose library workplace was covered in hot dogs (on hooks, even) and chicken wings as a prank. Griffin suggests that they eat the food in revenge, stating that if he found "warm football food" on a bookshelf in a library, he would eat it. The resulting questioning of this leads them down a strange path.
    Griffin: Warm! Football Food! Good to go!
    Justin: Your body is so broken you shouldn't be eating fucking buffalo wings if Carly Rae Jepsen brings them to you on a silver platter!
    Griffin: I need to take a pause and program what Justin just said into my brain so I can try and lucid dream that tonight.
    • The discussion is prefaced by treating Jokes like a person that they excuse from the room so that they can frankly discuss Griffin's willingness to eat food that's just laying about.
    • Made a bit more disgusting by a Reddit comment by a friend of the question asker, revealing that the hot dogs and chicken wings were ALL RAW.
  • Episode 373 is a live show that is almost all audience questions. It is truly, as the brothers say, buckwild.
    • The very first question they get asked by an audience member? If Travis can confirm their theory that raccoons are the spirits of Civil War soldiers.
    • An art conservator in the audience has a question about the proper terminology around the use of a tool they use called a "bonefolder", which leaves all three brothers obsessing over the tool in question and the phrase "bone down hard" for the rest of the show.
  • In Episode 376, the same episode in which Lin-Manuel Miranda performs the opening song, Travis is forced by his brothers to admit to doing something the week before recording the show. The brothers build up to Travis's admission by claiming it's the most ear-pleasing nine-word sentence that anyone has ever uttered, and the payoff is worth it:
    Travis: I dropped a fidget spinner on my baby's head.
  • The special guest star for episode 383? Jimmy Buffett.
  • Episode 384 is a Live Episode in which the brothers use clips from a 45-minute audio post of nothing but Paul Stanley from the band KISS to tell the crowd to listen up. Justin turns this into a soundboard in episode 385, adding clips from the intro of the film The Pest and Griffin's new favorite film clip of a man singing a song entitled "I Put My Hand Inside a Toilet". All three brothers agree that the show is now ruined.
  • Episode 388 features a solid ten minutes of the brothers and an audience member absolutely dunking on the audience member's SEVEN PARROTS.
  • Episode 398, after Justin discusses why having parents make siblings isn't all it's cracked up to be.
    Travis: But Justin, don't you like having brothers?
    Justin: No, I do. They're very profitable.
  • The Episode 400 spectacular is an attempt to record a podcast live from the red (or rather, blue) carpet premiere of Jimmy Buffett's Escape to Margaritaville musical in New York City. This episode is an absolute roller coaster ride of uncomfortable laughs, from everyone's constant anxiety to Justin thinking every handsome man at the premiere is Matt Doyle to the brothers patting themselves on the back every time they successfully talk to a celebrity. However, everything culminates when, as the brothers are about to wrap up, they catch a sighting of Al Roker, spend five minutes discussing how to get his attention, and then immediately get EPICALLY roasted by Roker for having too many microphones and taking too long to get to their question.
    Al: The play's over! Gotta go! Glad we could come!
    Griffin: Well, now it feels silly asking you the question now you've burned us —
    Al: Oh, now you feel silly! You're holding eighteen microphones and now you feel silly! This is Jimmy Buffett's favorite podcast?!
    • The brothers' reactions to getting burned:
    Justin: Al Roker just made fun of us so bad we can't do a podcast any more!
    Griffin: When I woke up this morning I was worried that we were gonna do a bad job. What I should have been worried about was the fact that Al Roker was mere hours away from melting my ass in front of everyone.
  • Episode 402 is the brothers' first live show in months, and despite some gloriously funny questions from the audience and Gmail, the crowning moment comes from a Yahoo that wonders what breakfast will be like in the future. Justin starts a joke, but doesn't finish it, so Griffin and Travis build the joke up to be the best thing in the world while Justin laughs in uncomfortable hysterics. Justin finally manages to tell the joke, which is just wondering in future if it'll be possible to eat a GIF of Jif peanut butter.
    • In Episode 109, the brothers relate funny stories about their father Clint for Father's Day, which include his cutting his butt open on a window sill and using a maxi-pad for a bandage, passing out after dumping kitty litter and bleach down a sink, and getting hit by a car mirror while carrying a tray of cold cuts. The brothers bring a brand-new story to the table for 402's intro: their dad has made the mistake of brushing his teeth with capsaicin cream.
  • Episode 410 has the boys discuss what they think will happen at E3. They eventually come up with the Nintendo Game Man, a hand-held game system who doubles as a grown (and somewhat abusive) adult.
  • Episode 410 also contains Justin's unsurpassed glee at learning that the comedy film Rookie of the Year is based on a 1950s comedy film entitled Roogie's Bump, which is about a young boy who develops a bump on his arm that makes him really good at baseball.
  • In recent live episodes, to avoid audience confusion and potential trampling of each other, the brothers have started taking questions from the audience by having them e-mail a one-sentence description of their question in beforehand and having the brothers decide before the show. Griffin reads these descriptions before each question, which are always out of context and always hilarious. Highlights include "How do I tell people not to touch fish when they touch the fish?", "How can I get the Tom Brady of washing dishes to keep the kitchen floor dry?", and "How do I get my friends to stop using their dog's dick to promote their furniture line?".
  • A listener sends the brothers a question about what songs to listen to during sex. It starts off fairly normally... until Travis decides to defer the question to Clint.
    Travis: Daddy, what kind of music do you like to play when you're gettin' busy?
  • Episode 414, "Hogsplash", aside from featuring a brilliant guest spot from actress Marilu Henner, features Griffin and Justin trying to improvise words to the tune of "Do Your Ears Hang Low" to play on an ice cream truck. Justin subsequently refers to "brown" as an ice cream flavor by mistake, and Griffin sings an entire verse about the brown-flavored ice cream.
    • The Marilu Henner interview has her explain marriage is like waffles, you always throw the first one out. When the brothers say they are all on their first marriage she responds that they've got something to look forward to.
  • Meta: in terms of episode numbering, they went from 419, skipped over 420, and labeled the next episode "421" because they couldn't come up with anything special enough for episode 420.
    • In what was probably the most talked about moment of the episode, a Jumbotron in the Money Zone featured Justin having to say the following in his Taako voice:
      Justin: (as Taako) Vriska did nothing wrong.
  • Episode 429 has a Munch Squad Jr. segment from a deli chain called Mickey's, about their Spooky Flaming Hot Cheetos pizza. The concept isn't too odd, as far as novelty food goes but the press release itself is full of grammatical errors, oddly defensive, and the pizza "looks like a crime scene". The brothers are also leery of the trend of food being designed not to be eaten, but ogled or rubbernecked.
  • In response to a poorly-worded, poorly-spelled, ungrammatical Yahoo in 432 about why planes appear to move slowly, the brothers start simple but nonsensical, then dumb it down to caveman talk ("Sky big. Plane small"), and it ends with Travis declaring, to explain an inconsistency in his explanation, that the Earth is getting bigger ("I'm a Big Earther.")
  • In the middle of an audience question at ep 436 (a live show, in Austin, no less), Griffin realizes that when they were children, Justin and Travis tricked him into thinking that Olive Garden offers raw fettucini for customers to chew on and he didn't figure out it was a prank until that moment.
    Justin: THE PRESTIGE!
    • During the intro of the same live show, Griffin makes fun of Travis and Justin's "useless" degrees in theater after they both explain what kind of stage they're on. Justin's clapback at Griffin's journalism degree is priceless.
      Justin: Oh, really, and what news story will you write about this evening's performance?!
  • Episode 444 is full of amazing bit. It starts with a borderline Black Comedy bit about their Running Gag segment [film] watch they pretend to have seen or be excited about...with this installment of a feel-good popcorn flick being Peter Jackson's documentary featuring remastered and colorized World War One footage, They Shall Not Grow Old.
    • A segment where they imagine the reveal in Kingdom Hearts 3 that it's all a Christian allegory, including a scene with Lightning McQueen getting baptized in a carwash.
    • During a Munch Squad segment about Valentine's Day donuts...
      Travis: You know what I like to say with donuts? ooooOOOOooooOOOOO.
      Justin: (genuine anger) You dumb piece of shit. I can't believe we share genetic material, you make me so angry.
  • Episode 450 is a Face 2 Face ep, containing a Munch Squad, a Haunted Doll Watch (Jade, who fell down some stairs), and audience questions about pirate fight scenes, vaping setting off a smoke detector, and a corn vending machine. It's also set in New Orleans and the crowd is raucous. It is nearly a moment of funny from beginning to end...and the final Yahoo nearly kills Travis.
    Griffin: Can I cook fried chicken in the michaelwave?
  • Episode 452 features Justin's soundboard, and Griffin's growing disdain for it.
    Griffin: Can we do a stretch goal where if we hit 30,000 new and upgrading donors for the Maximum Fun Drive, I want to get four big men to stand on the soundboard with all of their weight and see what happens after that. I cannot state my disdain for this new feature, uh, loudly or enthusiastically—
    Justin: It would probably sound a little something like this.
    Griffin: Oh God, no
    (every single sound on the soundboard plays at once at a high volume)
    Travis: Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, goodbye, everybody.
  • Episode 455 has Justin screw up the reading of a question twice in a row.
    Justin: "I recently decided to Patronus..." fuck.
    Griffin: Yes! Yes! Yes!
    Travis: You fucking nerd!
    Justin: "I recently decided to patronize my local concert hall on a whim, arriving only a few months before the concert started—"
    Travis: No!
    Griffin: Minutes! What is wrong with you?!
    Justin: What did I say?
    Griffin and Travis in unison: Months!
    Justin: (bursts into laughter) "Hey guys, you got a concert going on here in June?"
  • In episode 457, there is a running gag of the brothers having invested a large amount of money in coffee mugs emblazoned with the phrase "Bean Juice" and becoming increasingly panicked as they realize they have no idea how to sell them or why they thought the mugs were a good idea. The brothers constantly interrupt and stop each others' sales pitch (and the edited-in background music) with criticisms, then restart with, quite literally, a new take by clapping to mark where they should edit the asides out. (Bean Juice mugs are indeed available for purchase, but presumably they were not as unwise an investment as the brothers pretend it is.)
    • Justin also debuts a new segment (or possibly "segment"), talking about Jimmy Buffett's weed business. Mr. Buffett has...shall we say, not shied away from leaning on his brand when it came to marketing it.
  • Of all things, the Money Zone in ep 461, "All Rise". The brothers try to assemble fantastic narratives for their sponsors, with one being personified as a goblin-slaying sword-wielding wizard, and the other like they're the star of a Toyetic series who can transform between app and beast through the use of a magic gem in its chest. When it's over, Justin jokes that a lot of podcasts boast about being ad-free, but few of them had to put in the work to attempt to drive advertisers away first.
  • Episode 463, "Stranger Creams", has the question "What would elephant Heaven be like?" Travis opines that it might be much like the physical world, except that all the man-made objects would be scaled up so elephants could use them without wreaking havoc. "They could go in office buildings. They could ride elevators." Griffin interjects, "Elephators." "No," Travis says, "because it's elephant Heaven, so no one would make that joke." Griffin insists, "I'm pretty sure there would be some elephants that would find that joke funny." Travis replies mildly, "And they would go to Hell."
  • Episode 470 has Griffin utter the phrase 'I can't eat ass while I podcast', which leads to the brothers coming up with merch ideas with the phrase 'eat ass and podcast.'
  • The final segment of episode 472, "Public Domain Lasik Commercials", is a question from a listener worried he doesn't have a fun fact appropriate for introducing himself to colleagues and bosses in the legal profession after years of using a somewhat childish one (he can lick his own elbow). The brothers, naturally, try to determine what their fun fact would be. Griffin desperately lists objects he owns before asking, almost plaintively:
    Griffin: Does irritable bowel syndrome count as "fun"?

The TV Show

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     "Dorms & Ghoulsmashing" 
  • Justin warns that "Dorms & Ghoulsmashing" is full of jump scares. They're all clips of him jumping in front of the camera while wearing a goofy cape and saying, "Jump scare!"
  • A discussion about a dorm roommate bringing a box of haunted artifacts devolves into a discussion about Toy Story.
    Griffin: (cutting off Travis) Hold on. Uh... Stop. Stop the television show. Um... do you think all of the toys in Toy Story are possessed by different ghosts?
  • The brothers visit an antique shop to buy haunted items, and Griffin stops them before they go shopping:
    Griffin: Just off the bat, hold on, before we get started...
    Justin: Quick prayer?
    Griffin: No. I just wanna say...I feel something in here.
    Justin: Do you?
    Griffin: (beat) It's great prices. Let's do it.
  • Mac the Turtle
    Travis: (after it's informed that Mac the Turtle is not for sale) Say goodbye to Mac, Griffin.
    Griffin: ...500 dollars.
    Shop Owner: It's not for sale.
    Griffin: ...600 dollars.
  • Justin takes the podcast's "Haunted Doll Watch" segment to a new level by purchasing an actual haunted doll from eBay.
    Griffin: What are his hands made of that they make that sound?!
    Justin: Boooooones!
    The doll: (makes soft wooden clunking sounds as Griffin smacks its hand and crotch together)
    Justin: (in hysterics, with his head in his hands) I hate this fucking show.

     "Resumes & Jamiroquai's Dad" 
  • Pornography for Birds
  • Griffin reveals that he was once fired from a job by Justin's father-in-law because he skipped work to go to Bonnaroo, and the boys spend the rest of the episode competing for that same job.
  • Travis and Justin pick out a professional work outfit for Griffin. Justin describes the end result as looking "like a carpet fucked a nerd," among other things.
    • Griffin looks like...
      • a rotisserie shithead
      • a very magical pervert
      • Jamiroquai's Dad
      • a combination of Ebenezer Scrooge and Hugh Hefner
      • a magical high-tech pervert
      • the ringleader of a pornography circus
      • the hype man for a failed 90s hip-hop group with a lot of conflicting stylistic opinions
      • the Saint Peter that meets fashion trends in hell
      • a magician who doesn't realize why he can't get children's party jobs
      • a homeless LED sign salesman
      • a pizza sign dancer from a dystopian future where we have LED signs, but not any clothes
      • an undertaker for clowns
      • he tripped and fell into a Spencer's Gifts
      • (and, last but certainly not least) a carpet fucked a nerd
      Griffin: I like that the carpet was the one that took initiative in that arrangement.
      Justin: The carpet made the first move. On the nerd.
  • "Griffin is hungry for responsibility, horny for teamwork, and ready to BUST A NUT up in this job! Skills include EIGHT-FOOT VERTICAL LEAP, young, dumb, and full of... you know ;). OH SHIT THIS THING HAS OTHER COLORS. Thanks for your time. I love you."
  • During the final job interview, Justin reminds Tommy Smirl that he's a breadwinner for their family, and it would be "a real Shame If Something Happenedlet me start over, that wasn't how I wanted to phrase it."
  • Griffin walks into his interview, exclaims, "Aw shit, who's ready for round two?!", and tries to bribe Tommy with $6.
  • Justin attempts to record a radio break for the boys' dad Clint. It doesn't go well.
    Clint: So we're going from William Michael Morgan's "I Met a Girl", and you'll have 19 seconds to go into Tim McGraw, "Where the Green Grass Grows."
    Justin: That was Bill Grounds with "Please—"
    Clint: (realizing this is a bit) No, no, William Michael Morgan, "I Met a Girl"...
    Justin: That was Bill Morgan, with "Don't" - "M'Girl" - "I Got a Girl", next up, McGruff with "Live Like You're Dyin'"!
  • The brothers take charge of Safetytown, a model town designed to teach kids about traffic laws. The situation quickly degrades into anarchy, to the point where (and it is stressed this isn't a bit) they get in trouble and have to stop filming there entirely.
    Griffin: (driving around in a tiny car, dragging a police baton along the ground) New Duckberg! Come out and PLAAAAY!
  • From the blooper reel:
    Justin: I'm your oldest brother. I brought you into this world, I'll take you out.
    Travis: You did what?
    Justin: I didn't smother you in your crib.

     "Tarantulas & Travis Did A Hit" 
  • The brothers' mission is to convince a man's wife to let him get a pet tarantula. To that end, they bring in Mark Berman, an arachnologist, and several spiders.
    Justin: Aw, that's such a big spider... hey, I just had an interesting thought.
    Mark: Yeah?
    Justin: Actually, fuck this!
    Griffin loses it in the background.
    • "YOU yelled - you're the spider guy and you yelled at it!"
    • When Mark introduces the brothers to an incredibly poisonous spider.
    Griffin: Bye, Travis is going to space. You've just - Travis is now working for NASA-
    Mark: This is not a tarantula, I don't know if we can go out-
    Griffin: Wha - Why'd you bring it, Mark!?
  • The brothers' Tarantula Facebook Page gets hacked.
    • "Hey everybody, welcome to the club! Hope you enjoy the experience of simply cybersex blast off into cybersex Joe Biden."
  • In a genuinely heartwarming moment at the end of the episode, Travis and Justin apologize to each other for their earlier fight and the three boys all say that they love each other... and then Clint asks if this is just them "selling out".

     "Teens & Your Least Favorite Soda" 
  • The boys try to figure out what teenagers like, but note that everything they come up with will probably be obsolete by the time the show actually airs. The only things they come up with are teachers sitting backwards in chairs, water bottle flipping, dabbing, and bullying Griffin on Tumblr.
  • The brothers come up with "teen names" they'll need while undercover. After a lot of bickering back and forth, Griffin decides their teen names will be "Least Favorite Soda + Favorite Soda"
    Griffin: Hi. My name is... Sprite Pepsi. And I'm fourteen years old!
    Travis: My name is RC Josta!
    Justin: RC Josta? What a sad life you must live!
    Travis: (through laughter) And- And I choose hugs, not drugs!
  • To convince various teenagers to give up their phones in favor of face-to-face communication, Justin takes a group of teens on a nature hike, Travis becomes an inspirational art teacher-slash-mentor, and Griffin has a kid sacrifice his phone to a demonic box with a picture of a clown on it that he chained up in the middle of the woods. The kid is then apparently eaten by the box and possesses it to return to the high school and seek revenge against the brothers.
    • The origin of this sketch is even better, as Travis attests.
    "Griffin came up with the Clown Box. He said to us before the episode 'I want a clown box' and then he refused to explain."
  • The post-credits advertisement to get teens to drink more water, featuring far more water bottle flips than necessary.
    • Griffin's intense dabbing when he finally gets a bottle to land right.

     "Secret Societies & Apologies to Nathan" 
  • As Griffin looks for secret maps inside a biography of Barbara Bush, Justin asks if the book has any nudes.
    Griffin: That's disgusting.
    • Griffin finds a book with a "video man" in it.
    Griffin: (hiding behind the book, doing a funny voice) 'Sup, fools? It's me, Thomas Jefferson. The Bill of Rights...was...a prank.
  • "Guys, I'm getting smoked out by Sonic the Hedgehog and Benjamin Franklin!"
  • The brothers decide to directly ask the mayor about any secret socities that are pulling the strings of Huntington, West Virginia. It goes as well as you think.
  • Upon hitting a roadblock, the brothers pause the episode to chew out Nathan.
    Justin: (pissed) Hi, "Nathan", it's me, Justin McElroy, the guy whose episode you fucked.
    Justin: We can't do easy things on our TV show, and you want us to do a hard one?
    Griffin: This is a ding-dong podcast!
    • The brothers decide to leak Nathan's phone number: 1-[blurred out text]-FART-NOW
  • Travis calling the actual Knights Templar on the phone. Bonus points for how the boys do their best to stay quiet, until Travis hangs up and everyone screams "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
    • The title of the episode comes into play around this point, where, upon realizing that this might not be as impossible a quest as they'd thought, the brothers apologize to Nathan.
  • The boys review each other's secret society outfits:
    Griffin: [to Travis] You look like a businessman with an extremely specific fetish.
    Travis: [to Griffin] You look like a new character in Candyland that just steals Twizzlers.
    Justin: [to Griffin] You look like a vaudeville usher who's trying for a management position.
    Travis: Justin, you look like a Halloween costume to represent farts under a blanket.
    Griffin: Justin looks like some rye bread that a cape got on.
    Justin: [to Griffin] You look like if hepatitis was a person.

     "Candlenights & Vape Ape" 
  • There's a Running Gag of the boys writing "legally binding" statements into things that other people read aloud, such as the mayor commenting on Justin's big muscles or declaring them all the new mayors of Huntington. It's used to its greatest effect here when Lin-Manuel Miranda, who narrates the episode, realizes that about 6 pages of his script are just a list of things Griffin is trying to get from him, including his Tony Award.
  • In a bit of post-modernism, Justin decides to call up Lin-Manuel Miranda, who is currently narrating the episode, to help draft up the story of Candlenights.
  • A subtle one, but during the scenes of the Candlenights live show eagle eyed viewers can spot that one of the audience members is the shop owner from the first episode with Mac the Turtle in her lap.
  • The last scene is an emotional moment of the brothers all sitting together talking about how much they love each other and how grateful they are for this show and the ability to work together. Justin ends up crying, so Travis and Griffin comfort him by cracking jokes about how tears are "Emmy Juice". It... sort of works:
    Justin: I do love you. I don't enjoy you, either of you. As people—I don't like you very much as people.
    Griffin: That feels like a good place to...
    Justin: I feel like the credits have all gone past!
    Travis: I feel like they're going right now.

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