- In the beginning, when Daniel improvises lines for a cartoon character he's dubbing in protest of the character gladly smoking a cigarette in a cartoon meant for children:Daniel: (makes hacking, spitting sounds) I will not do this, I cannot! Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't want to get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened! (coughs, hacks, then holds a finger to his throat, imitating someone with a voice synthesizer) Help me, help me!
Lou: You can't put words in Pudgey's mouth when his mouth isn't moving!
- The despairing look on director Lou's face indicates this isn't the first time Daniel's pulled something like this.
Daniel: We'll do it as an interior monologue! Or what about the voice of God? That's even better! (booming, echoing voice) Don't, Pudgey! Don't smoke!
Daniel: They're biased. That's a mistrial.
- When Daniel voices his protests against the character smoking, it turns out he's the only person in the place who isn't smoking.
- And later, as he's walking out, the director tells Daniel that if he leaves, he's fired. Daniel responds thusly:
- This exchange while Daniel's brother Frank is on the phone with their mother and "Aunt Jack" is touching up a mask:Frank: Enough already, it's a man.
Jack: How would you know?
Mother: (over phone, furious) This is your mother!...
Frank: No, not you, Mom, I was talking about the dog!
Frank: (to Daniel) She wants to know if you want to come stay with her.
- And this bit a few moments later:
Daniel: (whispering) No way.
Frank: (to mom) ...He says he'll think about it, ma.
- When Daniel goes into Robin Williams mode by doing impression after impression for Mrs. Sellner. After about a minute of rapid fire impressions, it cuts back to Mrs. Sellner, who hasn't laughed once:Mrs. Sellner: Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
Daniel: I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny, but today you have proven me wrong. Thank you.
- Although, it must be mentioned that, in light of the tragic circumstances of Williams' death, that last line is now decidedly Harsher in Hindsight.
- When Daniel first gets a new job:Daniel: Wow, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?
Tony: Not exactly.
Daniel: What do I do?
Tony: Well you take all these cans, you box 'em, you ship 'em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them, then more will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?
Daniel: ...After you box them...?
Tony: You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smartass.
Daniel: I think I've made a friend.
- Daniel asks the kids how Miranda is doing. They state that she's good, and he says "I'd hate to think she got amoebic dysentery or piles." Chris trolls Natalie by describing what dysentery is: "It's an infection in your tummy where you get diarrhea forever. And then your body dries up and you die."Natalie: (to Daniel) Why would you want mommy to die?
- "We're his goddamn kids too!"Daniel: (Sheepishly) ...Kids say the darnedest things.Miranda: (Disapproving Look) Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five-year-old, Daniel?
- Daniel trolling Miranda by calling her as fake applicants.Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
Daniel: I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage'.
Miranda: In a band?
Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?
Miranda: Umm, I'll have to get back to you.
Daniel: Wow!Daniel: Yah, my name's Ilsa Immelmann, and I vant to know, how many children do you have?
Miranda: I have two girls and a boy.
Daniel: Oh, a boyyy. I don't vurk vith da males, 'cause I used to be one.note
Miranda: (hangs up)...Yikes.Miranda: Hello?
Daniel: AAAAAAH!!!! LAYLA! GET BACK IN YOUR CELL! DON'T MAKE ME GET THE HOSE! (sweet voice) Hello? (Miranda hangs up, giving a horrified, disgusted look at the phone)Daniel: (in a vague Hispanic accent) I... am... Job.
Miranda: ...Do you speak English?
Daniel: (more insistently) I... am... Job!
Miranda: I'm sorry, the position has been filled. (hangs up) Ugh, what a nightmare!
- Two boys look through Daniel's window and see him with "boobs".Kid: Sick! Mom!
Daniel: Oh SHIT! (accidentally hits his head on the window)
- Leads to him pulling down the shutters which knocks the mask down into the alleyway, where it is run over by a truck.
- Daniel covers his face with cake frosting, then shouts "HELLO!" so loud it rattles the inspector, most likely so that she wouldn't be composed enough to see through his flimsy disguise.
Doubtfire: One drop or two, would you like another one? [drop] There you go!
- Some of his cream mask drops into the inspector's tea.
Mrs. Doubtfire: As you can see, I can't stay with you, dear. I'm melting like a snow cone in Phoenix. (another drop in her coffee) There we go again! I'll go get Danny. He'll be right with you. (leaves the room) Hold on. DANNY! (in his regular voice) Coming, sis!
- The "facial cream" starts melting, so Daniel makes a quick exit:
Sellner: It was lovely to have met you!
Mrs. Doubtfire: (briefly appears in the doorway) Lovelytomeetyou! (bolts)
- Then the inspector put some cream from a cup's rim on her face.
- And before that when he considers disguising his face with a piece of cloth.Doubtfire: I'm not a muslim.
- Mrs. Doubtfire chucking the remote into the fish tank. "The only thing you'll be watching is Deep Sea-NN!" Mara Wilson's shocked expression at this also adds to it.
- "Look at this! My first day as a woman and I'm getting hot flashes."
- Daniel tries to lift and then dropping the hot pot of boiling potatoes.
- Also his decidedly non-feminine shout of "DAMN!"
- The Reveal to Chris and Lydia.Chris: (stammering) She's a he! He's a she! He's a she-she...
Mrs. Doubtfire: I'm not who you think I am.
Chris: Yeah, no shit!
Daniel: Watch your mouth, young man!
- Chris' question:Chris: You don't really like wearing that stuff, do ya, Dad?
Daniel: Well, some of it's comfortable. No! God, it's a pain in the padded ass.
- "Who did this?" "Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack."
- At the pool, Mrs. Doubtfire comments on Stu's physique, telling his daughter "that's called liposuction" and saying that by the looks of Stu "the water must be freezing cold".
- After listening to Stu badmouth Daniel to a friend at the poolside bar, Mrs. Doubtfire pegs Stu in the back of the head with a lime, who then turns around to this:Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, sir! I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff, did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorist! He ran that way, it was a run-by fruiting!
- When crossing the road as Mrs. Doubtfire, Daniel is attacked by a purse snatcher, but grabs the snatcher and roughs him up, yelling in his normal male voice "BACK OFF, ASSHOLE! BEAT IT!" scaring the mugger and a passerby. Daniel then walks away and slips back into his Mrs. Doubtfire voice, saying, "He broke my bag, the bastard."
- Daniel is getting drunk at the bar in the pool scene (disguised as the elderly Mrs. Doubtfire, mind you) and starts flirting with a young woman.
- Daniel messing around on the empty set at the studio. Particularly this bit:Daniel: Please welcome... James Browntosaurus! (grabs a dino toy) (to the tune of I Feel Good'') I eat wood, badadadadada, it tastes good, badadadadada, no meat, big feet, I eat wood, bum-bum-bum-bum! Oh, I got to help myself! Can't go on! Can't go on! I'm goin' extinct!
- Mrs. Doubtfire is shown two choices of dresses that Miranda wants to wear to her birthday dinner. Doubtfire rejects both of them:Doubtfire: They're both too brazen, dear. They cry "harlot". Red is the traditional color for streetwalkers, dear. And the black one is far too short. I hope you waxed. They both say to me "I'm easy", and you don't want that, dear. You want to be Kilimanjaro on your first date: Inaccessible. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? (looks in her closet) No, let's find something more your own age. Something a little less tawdry. Let's see. (pulls out a modest dress) How about this lovely frock? Tasteful, elegant... Don't you think?
Miranda: And old. I wore that to my aunt's funeral in 1976.
Doubtfire: A classic never dies, dear. I think it's time to revive it.
Miranda: I think we should ask the kids. What do you think?
Lydia: I'd go with the short, black one.
Nattie: Yeah. It's the most fun.
Miranda: There. You see? I agree.
Doubtfire: (passive-aggressively) Fine. You ask my opinion, then don't take it. I will not be held responsible for your virtue.
- When Daniel (dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire) realizes Miranda's birthday party is being held at the same place that he's having his dinner meeting with Lundy, he comes up with the lamest excuse possible:Doubtfire: I can't. Please, don't. It's Bingo night, dear.
Miranda: Cancel it.
Doubtfire: I can't, dear. It's my turn to pull the balls at the rectory.
- In the restaurant scene, Mrs.Doubtire's excuse to avoid sitting in the non smoking section (where his boss is sitting, and the family will notice him during the meeting.)Maitre'd: Smoking or non-smoking?
Stu: Non-smoking please-
Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, you don't smoke.
Doubtfire: No I don't. But I did. I found the best way to keep from smoking again is to be around those who do smoke. I have to randomly ingest just a little bit of nicotine, and it steels my wool.
- The hurricane of double entrendes from Daniel to Stu at the restaurant:Mrs. Doubtfire: A man gives a gift like that he wants more than a piece of her heart, eh, hmmm? A bit of a "going down" payment.
Stu: Excuse me?
Mrs. Doubtfire: You know, dear, sink the sub, hide the weasel, pop the porpoise, a bit of the old humpty-dumpty, little jack horny, the horizontal mambo, hmm?
Stu: (embarassed) Mrs. Doubtfire.....
Mrs. Doubtfire: The bone dance, rumple foreskin, baloney bop, a bit of the old cunning linguistics, hmm?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth...I do hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs, dear, and I don't mean Dungeness. Oh, I'm being blunt as a spoon!
- Daniel continues to needle Stu about Miranda:
- When he finishes, you can briefly see Pierce Brosnan trying to suppress a smile.
- During the restaurant scene, Mrs. Doubtfire (who's now a bit drunk) has to leave the family table again and says, "Be back in a flush."
- Daniel and Jonathan, starting to get silly drunk from all the liquor:Jonathan: (after sipping) Aah.
Jonathan: (pointing) A-ha-ha!
Daniel: (pointing back) A-ha-HA!
- The moment when Mrs. Doubtfire sits on the chair and falls to the floor. Then after she gets back up, she has a look at the menu, which is upside down. She spins it the correct way and says "Whoooo!", prompting a concerned look from Miranda.
- Mrs. Doubtfire's fake teeth fall into her drink. She tries getting them out with a utensil, saying "Carpe dentim. Seize the teeth." Stu uses his own utensil to help her, and when the teeth are out of the drink, she shakes them off, purposefully near Stu's face.
- Daniel loses track of his disguises and winds up sitting with his boss while dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, saying that he'd just "pissed like a racehorse".
- Miranda's reaction during The Reveal in the restaurant; Traumatized or not, it's hard not to stifle a laugh at how much she's freaking out that her ex-husband is her housekeeper. Added points for Stu, who is absolutely dumbstruck through the entire thing. "The whole time... the whole time THE WHOLE TIME?!"
- Daniel very violently performing the Heimlich maneuver on Stu once the latter starts choking on the pepper-laced food. Once the dust has settled and the gig is up, Daniel actually does manage to say sorry for the pepper. The two men then awkwardly shake hands as Stu leaves without another word.
- Post-Mrs. Doubtfire, Miranda interviews candidates for a new babysitter. One of the applicants is a doozy:Woman: I don't do laundry. I don't do windows. I don't do carpets. I don't do bathtubs. I don't do toilets. And I don't do diapers.
Miranda: My children have been potty-trained for some time.
Woman: Mmm. Well, I don't do washing. I don't do basements. I don't do dinners. I don't do reading. (Natalie looks shocked)
Miranda: ...Yes. Well, we have your number. Thank you so much for coming. We'll be getting back to you.
Woman: Thank you.
Miranda: I'll show you to the door. (makes a "cut" motion to her kids behind the woman's back)
- One of the deleted scenes from the makeup montage, where Daniel wears a blonde wig and glasses and takes the persona of a Southern American woman.Daniel: I have a lot patience of with children. If they get uppity, here's what I do. I mix a little lemonade, and a lot of bourbon, and they just drop like sheep on a summer day.
- There was an entire deleted subplot where Daniel, as Mrs. Doubtfire, gets revenge on Gloria (for calling Miranda at the beginning) by convincing her to water her flowers with dog urine, with the expected results.
- There was another deleted scene at the restaurant where a woman finds Mrs. Doubtfire's bag in the bathroom and returns it to the front desk. When Daniel awkwardly asks for the bag, which they know contains a bodysuit, he pays the host to keep quiet. When he runs into the bathroom and barges into the stall, there's an old woman inside who screams, forcing Daniel to leave again.
- In the scene where he first removes his Mrs. Doubtfire disguise, he forgot to take off his masks, and is startled by his reflection.
- There is an alternate take of the scene where Daniel puts the pepper on Stu's jambalaya. He gets caught by one of the cooks and pretends to be a visiting Cajun chef who chides the cook for not making the food hot enough.
- In an interview for the film's 25th anniversary, the cast discusses how Robin Williams would as usual madly improvise during filming and come up with a different equally funny line on each take. To the five year old Mara Wilson who was doing her first movie, this gave the impression that every movie was made this way.
Funny / Mrs. Doubtfire