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Funny / Men at Arms

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  • Captain Carrot providing the ultimate Repeat After Me comedy when swearing in the new recruits:
    “I comma square bracket recruit's name square bracket comma do solemnly swear by square bracket recruit's deity of choice square bracket to uphold the Laws and Ordinances of the City of Ankh-Morpork comma serve the public truƒt comma and defend the ƒubjects of his ƒtroke her bracket delete whichever is inappropriate bracket Majeƒty bracket name of reigning monarch bracket without fear comma favour comma or thought of perƒonal ƒafety semi-colon to purƒue evildoers and protect the innocent comma laying down my life if neceƒsary in the cauƒe of said duty comma so help me bracket aforeƒaid deity bracket full stop Gods Save the King stroke Queen bracket delete whichever is inappropriate bracket full stop.”
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  • When the Piecemaker is first introduced, inside a very small room.
    Nobby: Those things are a bugger for metal fatigue, especially in the safety catch.
    Detritus: What are a safety catch?
    Everything went very quiet.
  • When Detritus and Cuddy go to see the alchemists and Detritus calls them 'loony bastards' to their faces in a very matter-of-fact way because that's what Colon called them earlier.
    • It's also slightly funny that the alchemist in question doesn't seem to take the slightest bit of offence.
  • Nobby's absolute glee at seeing the Klatchian Fire Engine, as well as his insistence on using it.
  • The Reveal of Big Fido, the fierce Hitler-esque leader of the Dogs Guild, as a small fluffy poodle who knows next to nothing about how wolves really are.
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  • The lengthy discussion about just what it is they say about dwarfs. When the answer turns out to be that they're well-endowed and just as you think the joke is that Cuddy misinterprets it as meaning "They have loads of gold," it's turned completely inside-out by the real punchline:
    Nobby: You dwarfs really love gold, don't you?
    Cuddy: Of course we don't. Don't be silly.
    Nobby: Well -
    Cuddy: We just tell it that to get it into bed.
  • A similar Literal-Minded joke with dwarfs: "Have you any previous convictions?" "Well, I used to very firmly believe that a penny saved was a penny earned."
  • Death's visit with Big Fido. Also qualifies as a Moment of Awesome
    Death: Big Fido?
    Big Fido: Yes?
    Death: Heel.
  • Vimes' pun-based metaphors in the narrative when he muses on how Sybil and Nobby get along so well: it must be the attraction of opposites...
    "The Ramkins were more highly bred than a hilltop bakery, whereas Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving."
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  • The report Cuddy writes up for Vimes following his visit to the Alchemists guild with Detritus. Cuddy, being a dwarf, writes his police report in the manner of an epic poem. The opening line is especially hilarious.
    Bright was the morning, and high our hearts, as we proceeded to the Alchemist's guild where events eventuated as I shall now sing.
  • Detritus has the smallest semblance of authority for about 10 seconds before he starts acting as a Drill Sergeant Nasty. It's hilarious, especially the "Slice Mountain" part.
  • After Carrot realizes Angua's secret a moment too late, he asks Colon if he had known. Colon admits that Vimes had hinted about it before. "He sort of said, 'Fred, she's a damn werewolf.'"
  • The "Truncheon" scene.
    Colon: Hright! This, men, is your truncheon, also nomenclatured your night stick or baton of office. Hand you will look after hit! You will eat with hit, you will sleep with hit, you —
    Cuddy: 'Scuse me.
    Colon: Who said that?
    Cuddy: Down here. It's me, Lance-Constable Cuddy.
    Colon: Yes, pilgrim?
    Cuddy: How do we eat with it, sergeant?
    Colon: What?
    Cuddy: Well, do we use it as a knife or a fork or cut in half for chopsticks or what?
    Colon: What are you talking about?
    Angua: Excuse me, sergeant?
    Colon: What is it, Lance-Constable Angua?
    Angua: How exactly do we sleep with it, sir?
    Colon: Well, I... I meant... Corporal Nobbs, stop that sniggering right now!
  • The armory scene in general is one extended CMOF to anyone who's ever spent any time in any branch of any armed service, but particularly the bit with Carrot telling the Quartermaster that "If you feel unable to assist us, you have only to say the word and we'll leave," while the Quartermaster, who has a very large crossbow bolt pressing into his neck, is unable to think of any word except "FIRE!"
  • Captain Quirke of the Day Watch has just kicked Gaspode. Gaspode's response? "Captain Quirke? You got an itchy bottom. Prickle, prickle, prickle.
    • The explanation on how Quirke isn't evil as such, because he lacks the imagination for it. His is more a low-level pettiness that merely tarnishes the soul of everyone it comes near. "Just like British Rail."
  • The Running Gag of Detritus knocking himself flat whenever he salutes, which leads to him being addressed as Corporal DetritusDON'TSALUTE!
  • The other Running Gag of people asking Cuddy if he's a dwarf. "Are you a giant? No? Ah, so I must be a dwarf then."
  • Detritus giving the Repeat After Me speech to a conscripted troll:
    Detritus: I will do what I told—
    Conscripted Troll: Don't wanna be inna—
    Conscripted Troll: I will do what I told—
  • The emergency militia getting access to the Fool's Guild.
    Boffo: Have- have you got an appointment?
    Carrot: I don't know. Have we got an appointment?
    Nobby: I've got an iron ball with spikes on.
    Carrot: That's a morningstar, Nobby.
    Nobby: Is it?
    Carrot: Yes. An appointment is an engagement to see someone, while a morningstar is a large lump of metal used for viciously crushing skulls. It's important not to confuse the two, isn't it, Mr- ?
    Boffo: Boffo, sir. But-
    Carrot: So if you could perhaps run along and tell Dr Whiteface that we've got an iron ball with spi- What am I saying? I mean, without an appointment to see him? Please? Thank you.
  • As much of a Tear Jerker as Cuddy's death is, his entire conversation with Death is still hilarious. Such as his insistence his tortured soul will walk the world in torment.
    Death: It doesn't have to.
    Cuddy: It can if it wants to.
  • Cuddy, Carrot, The Librarian, and Detritus all find themselves underground. All except Detritus decide to have a sing-along...of the Hi-Ho song.
    Cuddy: Hi-ho-
    Carrot: -hi-ho-
    The Librarian: Oook oook oook oook ook—
    Detritus: You all stupid!
  • Brother Beano of the Fools' Guild has a funeral:
    'This is very moving’ said Boffo. On a dais at the opposite side of the quadrangle was a fat clown in baggy trousers, huge braces, a bow tie that was spinning gently in the breeze and a top hat. His face had been painted into a picture of misery. He held a bladder on a stick. The clown with the urn reached the dais, climbed the steps, and waited. The band fell silent. The clown in the top hat hit the urn-carrier about the head with the bladder – once, twice, three times… The urn-bearer stepped forward, waggled his wig, took the urn in one hand and the clown’s belt in the other and, with great solemnity, poured the ashes of the late Brother Beano into the other clown’s trousers. A sigh went up from the audience…’Classic’ [Boffo] said. ‘It’s what he would have wanted.'
  • Vimes and Carrot discussing the gender appropriate variant of "head honcho" for Queens and Vimes mental reaction to the whole conversation.
    There's something in the air in this city, he thought. If the Creator had said, "Let there be light" in Ankh-Morpork, he'd have gotten no further because of all the people saying "What color?"
  • Carrot and Vetinari talking about all the chaos and ruffled feathers a man like Vimes would cause among the upper classes if promoted to commander of the City Watch in addition to his own sense of awkwardness. Then the both have to stop because their breaking out wicked smiles. Just try to picture Vetinari and Carrot smiling wickedly about Vimes without feeling some amusement.
  • Vimes declares the Watch is clearly dealing with a criminal mind. After a moment, he has to clarify to Carrot he doesn't mean Nobby.
    Carrot: Gosh!