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  • Billy Mays - The Drunk Jack
    • "Has this ever happened to you? You're hammered on a Saturday night, driving home from the club with a sexy young lady in the front seat and two in the back. And you're trying to decide who gets to sit on your face first. You pull over and stop your car. But instead of hearing penetration, you hear this." (sirens)
    • "The Drunk Jack transmits Billy Mays through the speakers in your car. Instead of hearing music, you hear Billy Mays, who will help you drive home. Drinking and driving is safe, and way more fun for your entire family. But in some bullshit states, it's illegal. (cue map of the U.S. with every state labelled as a bullshit state) But in my car I say fuck it, it's legal."
      • The map's lack of visibility of Rhode Island led to a bunch of people commenting on the legality of drunk diving in the state.
    • "With the Drunk Jack, you'll finally be saying… (slurred and slowed down) Taaaaaaake a loooooook at Biiiiiiilly Maaaaaaays…"
    • "Here's how it works: Billy Mays surrounds you with driving instructions so you don't have to think clearly or even keep your eyes on the road. Lemme show you."
      • "Turn right. Your other right, dumbass!" (crash) "MY LEG!" "That's the sound of safety!"
    • "And if you're still having problems with the cops, don't get frustrated, because if the Drunk Jack sees any danger, it'll explode your car. Watch this." "Sir, have you been drinking tonight?" "Time for some barbecue bacon!" (boom) "It's that easy."
    • "Call right now and we'll include a bottle of our amazing 175 proof whiskey. You'll get completely shit-hammered instantly. Just jack it and drink it. But it gets even better. You'll also receive access to Billy Mays' amazing magic drug stash. I have some prescriptions but it's mostly cocaine!"
    • "You get it all: the Drunk Jack, the whiskey, the drugs, all for just $19.99. But to make this the best deal on TV, it's yours for two easy payments of free. That's right, free, because I'm still high."
  • Billy Mays and the Ravages of Orange Glo
    • "The following is an orange." (Oranges not included)
    • "We wanted to damage and Fuck your flooring. Finally, there's one solution for your flooring. The Orange Glo—"
    Anthony Sullivan: Hi, Anthony Sullivan here for the—
    Narrator: Fuck off, Anthony, you fucking dork.
    Anthony: Just aim and spray—
    Narrator: No one likes you, not even other British people. We want Billy Mays. But first, let's fuck our host, Sheli Sanders.
    • "If you're one of the millions of people out there on their hands and knees, welcome to Hell!"
    • "There's a new system that cleans with gorgeous results you won't believe! It's called...the mop."
    Sheli: Welcome back. Rather than just me trying to fuck myself, I decided to invite the master fuck machine, Billy Mays.
    Billy Mays: (bursts through door) HI, BILLY MAYS HERE! Great to see you, Carla, it's —
    Narrator: No, Billy, it's Sheli Sanders.
    Billy: Fuck it, it doesn't matter. Carla did you know the biggest investment you have in your home besides your home is your home?
    Narrator: Billy, that makes no fucking sense. If you're plastered again, you're fucking fired.
    Billy: It doesn't matter, because I was paid yesterday!
    Narrator: God damn it!
    • Turning on the black light to show the "soap" left on the floor.
    Billy: Remember this, Sheli. If you want your floors to blow, get Orange Glo. But if you want your floor to rock, then you gotta suck Billy Mays' cock!
    Narrator: That is a lie. Just use a mop.
    Anthony: Anthony Sullivan here for the Smart Mop.
    Narrator: I'm really going to kill myself.
    • Billy and Carla dimming the lights to have sex, prompting the narrator to butt in with "Damn it, you two. We paid you to advertise Orange Glo, not Ass Glo."
    • "When I first saw the Orange Glo floor care system, I thought to myself, 'Sista, please!'"
    • "Now I'm gonna squirt a little Orange Glo up my ass." [color bars] "Look at this; now it's clean enough to eat from out of the asshole."
    • "So Carla, step number one is to take the Orange Glo and the hardwood floor refinisher. Step number two is to throw them out. Step number three, is to show everybody your boobs!" "I'd love to!"
    Narrator: Billy went out to fuck this other MILF.
    Billy: Carla number two, can you get down on your hands and knees and—actually, your children should not see this. Can we bring down the lights again?
    Billy: Carla, I can't remember why we have this Plexiglas. (offscreen crash; cut to Billy holding a prop) And what the fuck is this? I'm gonna take a shit…
    Narrator: Go home, Billy, you're drunk.
    Billy: No, fuck you, narrator.
    Narrator: I bet $5,000,000 that you cannot even use that sander without falling on your stupid fat ass.
    Billy: No problem, asshole. Watch this. (uses sander) Did ya get that, camera guy? (slips) Shit. Mother fucker.
    Narrator: You stupid ass.
  • Hulk Hogan's Brother has a 24 Inch Python
  • Billy Mays sells everything and nothing
  • Dr. Rabbit - Thy Kingdom Come
    Dr. Rabbit: The Great Wall is weak shit!
    Shao: It has protected my people for thousands of years.
    Dr. Rabbit: Not anymore!
    Shao: Huh!?
    *rocket destroys the Great Wall*
    Shao: Oh...
  • The Big City Toilet, Part 3
    • "Has this ever happened to you? You're on the road, far from home, and you can't make your favorite YouTube Poops because you only have your laptop. Don't get frustrated, get Windows Movie Maker! Then get frustrated, because Windows Movie Maker sucks balls. This shit should be illegal!"
    • "We've sold 2 trillion of the original Big City Toilet. That is impressive."
    • "It has the strength to hold up to 150 times as much shit as the original Big City Toilet! And because it's only half the size of the original, you can shit in that impossible to reach area, like when you're hiding under a child's bed! Or how about shitting in a busy museum while you enjoy the beautiful art?"
    • The mere notion of a Shit Bazooka.
    • "Call now and we'll also include the Shit Switch. Are you having problems shitting? Of course you do. Do you find yourself sitting on the toilet, but no shit comes out of your hole? Never fear, the Shit Switch is here! It's the ultimate tool for when your ass is full. Mount it on your ass and your shit will pass when you flick the switch."
    • "But I'm not done yet! Order right now and we'll send you Shit Shine! Now you can add bling to your shit and make it shine like new. Shit Shine's effervescent action revitalizes your shit and restores its natural shit luster."
    • "But I'm not done yet. Call right now and I'll make this the best deal on TV and send up to 100 cobras to attack you, and 47 million cobras to attack your entire family!"
    • "You can even shit in a rundown, 80-year-old bungalow."
    • "Are cobras too high?"
  • Jesse Ventura - Conthiracy Speory
    Siri: 9/11 was an inside job. Bigfoot is real. The Jews did this.
    • "Coming up, Jesse Ventura is violating the Geneva Conventions. Then, mutant Nazis violate Jesse Ventura."
      • "Coming up, Jesse Ventura races to Mutant Island with the Nazis in hot pursuit."
    • "Long Island is gay."
      • "Randy, in your opinion, what should be done with Long Island?" "If it wasn't so close to the east coast, they 'oughta nuke it."

  • Anthony Sullivan Redeems Himself
    • "Anthony Sullivan here! Allāhu akbar!" [boom]
    • "Did you ever try to take a shit, and wound up voted Canada's best new laundry stain remover!"
    • "And as a bonus, I'll even shit into a pineapple."
    • "I know what you're thinking: what prevents an 800-pound grizzly bear from taking over your house? Nothing. You have a bear in your house. Call 911."
    • "We put Anthony Sullivan to the ultimate strength test!" [cue Training Montage with "No Easy Way Out"]
    • "Hi, Anthony Sullivan here. I'm a cat now. I'm so beautiful."
    • "We took your credit card and ordered this $300,000 car! Suck it!"
    • Anthony has his hand run over by a car (with Impact Gel) to which the narrator from Billy Mays and the Ravishes of Orange Glo replies:
    Narrator: You're still a faggot, Anthony.

  • Elsa Sinks the Titanic

    ("Frozen Heart" starts playing'')
    Elsa: ♪Noooooo one likes this soooooong~♪
    Anna: Do you wanna build a sno-
    Elsa: Nooo let me sleep!
    • "I recommend we remove the head." "Do what you must." (Gory Discretion Shot, chainsaw sounds)
    • "Pikachu!"
    • "A picture of a fist!"
    • "I can't wait to meet everyone. *gasp* What if I meet the EVERYONE?"
    • "Secret penis!"
    • "Twelve older brothers. Twelve of them pretended I was twelve, literally, for twelve years."
    Hans: Can I say something crazy? TWELVE.
    Anna: Can I say something crazier? Ableublueble!
    Billy: You get all this, a huge value, for just 19.99!
    Kristoff: No, ten.
    Billy: 19.99, bitch!
    Kristoff: Ten's all I got. Help me out.
    Billy: Go fuck yourself!
    Anna: Hey just tell me one thing...
    Kristoff: Back up, while I deal with this crook here.
    Billy: (holding a gun) THIS IS A BAZOOKA! (blows up the store)
    • *♪You'll never see me cry… okay, I lied♪"

  • Gaston Has Nazi Biceps
    Narrator: A young lad ate 4 dozen eggs every morning to help him get large. But then he got heart disease.
    Gaston: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
    Gaston: I know, it's true, Lefou. And I've got my sights set on that one.
    Lefou: The inventor's daughter?
    Gaston: No, that one.
    Lefou: Mufasa?
    (cut to the opening of The Lion King with Gaston on Pride Rock)
    Mufasa: Oh shit, it's Gaston!
    (Gaston shoots Mufasa)
    Gaston: I use antlers in all of my decorating! (shows Mufasa's head on the wall with antlers attached to it)
    • Gaston licking Belle's face in a scene reminiscent of Aliens.
    • The six or seven Gastons entering Belle's house.
    • "Gaston, you are HIV positive."
    Gaston: NOOOOOOO!
    • "Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Gaston, when taking a dump." (cut to Lefou using the restroom while Gaston appears out of the shower with his shirt open)
      • "Hair!"
    • "Who does she think she is? That girl thinks she is the wrong man! No one thinks Gaston thinks she thinks she is who she thinks she is!"
    • "So I'm roughly the size of a Gaston."

  • The Third Wave of Feminist

  • Smothers, Dick

  • 7 Fast 7 Furious
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