Funny / Many A True Nerd Crusader Kings

Jon's chivalric shenanigans and dynastic debacles while playing Crusader Kings.

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Crusader Kings II - The Rise of Cornwall

• To kick off his first great Crusader Kings II playthrough, Jon selects one of the mightiest nations known to history: Cornwall.
• Earl Cadoc tries to lay low during the Year(s) of the Three Kings, and while Norway, England and Normandy are occupied fighting over the throne of England, he quietly fabricates a claim and hires a mercenary army to take the neighboring county of Devon. Then, in the middle of the siege, William of Normandy decides he really needs to occupy the poorest corner of England, drawing in the Norwegians and sending Jon's paltry army fleeing.
  Jon: Why would this happen?! Why would you come over to attack me?!
• Apart from this, Jon spends most of the first episode as a Combat Commentator watching the foreign armies chasing each other across England. History goes Off the Rails when King Harald of Norway wins the war for the English crown and repels William the Bastard, leaving Cornwall among the former English vassals turned uneasy Norwegian clients.
• While Duke Cadoc snipes a county from Wales, Norway gets drawn into a two-front war against Sweden and Moray, which takes some unexpected turns at Norway's expense.
  Jon: (examining the map) There's another flipping army of... Wait. "Army of Moray?" Hang on... the Scottish army's counter-invaded Norway! You mad bastards!
• The second episode becomes a tense Race Against the Clock to see whether the aging Duke Cadoc will reign for the required ten years before he's able to change his realm's succession laws so that it will pass to his heir in one piece. Just months before the deadline Cadoc falls ill, and Jon reluctantly turns to his court physician for curing, even though his last treatment plan involved bloodletting to relieve a headache. The results are... surprising.
  Jon: (reading event message) "He presents me with the charred carcass of a cat..." That WORKED?! How did that work?! That apparently worked! How did eating a cat work?! [...] Right, apparently I'm Superman for the next five years because I ate a cat.
• When King Harald of Norway dies of old age, the title for England passes to a new ruler who declares the realm independent... but since Cornwall isn't a de jure part of England, it gets left behind as a Norwegian vassal, which Jon compares to not being invited to a birthday party.
  Jon: I was the one kid in class who was not invited to the party, no one even told me there was going to be a party, I just looked across the road and the party was happening and everyone was pretending they couldn't see me.
• One of King Conan III's sons is born Sickly, so Jon gives him a badass name to compensate: Havoc mab Conan. Sure enough, he survives his infancy and loses the Sickly trait. He's later joined by his little brother Crisis mab Conan, while the extended royal family sees (even more) unwanted female offspring, Yuselass mab Dunmarth and the tanist's daughter Orange (pronounced Or-AHNGE).
• Jon grows increasingly frustrated with his court physician, who's unable to cure the king's health problems before they develop into full-blown cancer, scuttling King Conan's dreams of conquest. He throws the quack into the dungeon, making the doctor hate him... but then still agrees when the doctor offers an experimental treatment, because what's he got to lose?
  Jon: I've still got the cancer! He didn't even cure the cancer, he just cut my face off!
• Poor King Jon not only gets to deal with disease outbreaks during his reign, but the game constantly reminding Jon how fat his character is. After putting his court into seclusion, Jon the Fat almost singlehandedly causes a food shortage through his gluttony, so that the court is soon Reduced to Ratburgers. Later he catches a courtier sneaking bites from the larder behind everyone's back, and amazingly, one of the potential responses to choose from is "Looks like meat's back on the menu!"
  Jon: Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa NO! Nonono chill out, Jon, we're not eating people! (mouses over "Cannibal" trait) It would make Martial go up by... hmmm. General Opinion minus ten, but, Martial up by three. I mean... I could do with Martial up by three, that's a lot more troops that actually respond to my call, probably because they're scared if they don't I might eat them.
• No one's interested in a matrilineal marriage to one of the royal family's spare daughters, but luckily there's a workaround.
  Jon: You, my good man, how would you like to come to court for entirely innocent reasons, just because you seem like a good sort of person, and I'd just like you to hang out here, and you know I really appreciate your advice, and you've got a really, really good beard, and any time you're flipping ready - there he flipping is. Alright, so he's arrived at court, that's marvelous, and now, I just need to... there he is. (goes to the Arrange Marriage option) Sorry, I Lied, you're actually just marrying her. [...] Okay, of all the people that I've forced my children and relatives to marry, this guy's not the worst in a long way.
• After the royal family takes some losses from plague, King Jon the Fat decides to have an affair with a courtier, not because he wants to, but out of duty to Cornwall. It's only after the rest of the court discovers his indiscretion that Jon looks at who he had his king sleep with, and learns she's a certified Lunatic with syphilis. To add insult to injury, the resulting bastard is not only born with the STD, but is female and useless to Jon's efforts to produce some Spares to the Throne.
• Late into his reign, not only have King Jon's courtiers been wasting years and treasure on a fruitless hunt for some fabled artifact, and not only has an attempt to expand into Brittany taken a dangerous turn, but his court physician is convinced he has the bubonic plague! Or maybe smallpox. No, it's definitely cancer. Strapping the fat king to a chair and making him sleep upright doesn't help, nor does drinking breast milk, so Jon reluctantly agrees to another extreme procedure to save the king: amputating a hand. Remarkably...
  Jon: You know what, don't, don't question it, because I don't have cancer anymore. She cut the cancer out of me. I suppose that is technically a thing that... does, vaguely make sense. A bit.
• Literally the first thing King Iliad does during his reign is make a move on a courtier who screams for the guards, and later he stupefies Jon by popping out a bastard with his cousin Yuselass without giving any indication that they were having an affair. He also catches the flu while on crusade, which his physician decides to treat with a laxative. Which somehow works.
  Jon: So I actually feel better, marvelous! Health +2, and apparently that also gave me... superpowers. So, yeah, that was apparently such a good bout of diarrhea, I'm actually much better at fighting, (cracks up) diplomacy, stewardship, learning... I don't really want to know how diarrhea has made me better at those things. But screw it, I'll go with it.
• Iliad's wife Agnes is discovered to be plotting to kill someone, which surprises Jon until he learns who she's after.
  Jon: Right, why do you want to kill Yuselass, precisely? Yuselass is my cousin who OH. Well. Yeah. Yeah, she was the cousin who I decided to have sex with, at some mysterious point that we never saw, that was very odd indeed. I can understand why you'd want her dead. To be honest, I kind of want her still around, because she's very good at producing chil-I should not bring that up right now, given that one of them is mine.
• King Iliad's interest in charting the movements of the heavens happens to coincide with a bout with dysentery, so that for a time his life is summed up as "running between the telescope and the toilet." Jon agrees to an experimental treatment to cure the illness, which results in Iliad losing an eye. Cue uncomfortable YouTube comments speculating how that cured him.
• The whole Iliad-Yuselass-Agnes situation comes to a head.
  Jon: "My wife, Agnes, asks me if I'm having an affair with Yuselass Cemeu-" I don't think I am, but apparently so! "Her stony expression does not reveal whether she knows or is only guessing." Right, apparently me and Yuselass wasn't only a one-time thing. Apparently I've been having an affair, with my cousin, for the past few years. No-one ever asked me about this! I don't approve of this! But apparently this is just a thing! [...] "Admit it but refuse to break up with Yuselass," "she might overreact" - honestly it isn't overreacting! I'm having a long-term sexual relationship with my own biological cousin!
• An attempt to install a puppet king to the throne of Scotland leads to Cornwall and their ally Denmark invading the highlands, but King Knud V of Denmark ends up in the dungeons of the Queen of Scotland. On the Isle of Man. The castle of which is currently occupied by Denmark.
  Jon: Seriously, how many people are actually guarding the Queen right now, because you literally hold the castle, yet somehow - did you just fall down the stairs and accidentally get yourself locked in prison, or something? [...] You had five thousand troops with you, how did she capture you?!
• When the war with Scotland wraps up and Jon takes a glance at England, he's baffled that, due to the fallout of the First Crusade and the vagaries of hereditary titles and royal succession, there's an independent kingdom within England proper.
  Jon: Oh, what... England and Jerusalem have just split. Right, well this is... okay! So the Kingdom of Jerusalem and the Kingdom of England have now split apart. So... right. The pious king, who is married to Orange, is now simply the King of Jerusalem. (cracking up) Which is located in Bedfordshire! Okay, what is Jerusalem... it's Bedford. Someone has taken the hymn "Jerusalem" a bit too bloody literally. Oh God... "'til we have built, Bedford, in England's green and pleasant lands."
• Part 17 starts with Jon feeling quite pleased with King Iliad's military and diplomatic successes. He can't even finish the sentence "Things looking very, very good indeed" before getting a health event about Iliad's phantom eyeball pain. Then minutes later, Iliad stops at a countryside inn run by a nervous innkeeper, notices a foul smell after the guy leaves, discovers a ton of manure hidden under the floorboards...
  Jon: "...then the floor explodes." (Stunned Silence) Right. So... Prince Achilleus, who I'm increasingly regretting the time I decided to make him my rival, decided to create an elaborate trap, in which he would lure me to an inn that was in fact a giant pile of manure that was going to... explode. Which is one way to assassinate me, I suppose. [...] [Iliad] didn't really "give up the ghost," he was exploded by a giant pile of explosive poo.
• Jon's initially impressed with the new King Connor's statline, until he notices that his epithet is "the Seducer," and all of the men in his court hate him because he's banging their wives. Jon eventually comes to assume that every child born during Connor's reign is one of his bastards, and is almost always correct.
  Jon: Is there anyone in the entire realm I haven't slept with?!
• The bad news: one of Connor's child-producing affairs was with the wife of Prince Achilleus, the schemer who killed the previous king. The good(?) news: Achilleus is actually quite fond of Connor. Very fond.
• Jon has one of those Paradox moments when he realizes that he can get some lands to pass to his young heir... if he gets Achilleus' infant daughter out of the way somehow.
  Jon: I feel bad about his, I do feel bad about this, but, if we basically throw her into the oubliette, she probably won't liv- oh god. Crusader Kings II has turned me into a monster! But, Hector, who is next in line, is, yeah, he's fourteen, and I think he could be persuaded to like me, and could potentially be a much... better vassal, oh god. Oh god, what have I done? I'm a monster.
• Despite all the problems King Connor's reckless libido causes, Jon can't help but get caught up in the romantic pursuit of the one woman who keeps turning him down, in seduction event after seduction event.
  Jon: Sooner or later, we are going to dice-roll our way into her pants!
• Having tossed his morals into the oubliette with an infant, Jon starts plotting to kill anyone who doesn't like him, including King Connor's own wife, and it turns out the members of Connor's harem are quite willing to get on board any sinister plots. He also wants to get rid of the "Hellspawn" branch of the family, and so when the King of France requests help with a revolt, Jon sends Sulphur with an understrength force in hopes of getting him killed.
  Jon: I've got it on good authority that, like, French people are made of paper, and tissue, they'll absolutely fall apart, they've got no chance against you whatso-flippin'-ever (Sulphur's army gets crushed) oh, oh no, it's all gone horribly wrong, oh no Sulphur's been shot - any chance that he's dead? He's not dead yet, but, that's fine. Problem was, Sulphur, you did that back on a Wednesday, and that's the day when French people aren't made of paper and tissue. Just go back on Thursday, try again, it'll all be abso-flippin'-lutely fine, alright?
  • And then it turns out that not only does Sulphur survive the fight against the French revolt, he actually killed the revolt's leader to end it. Luckily, Jon has a backup plan.
    Jon: Sulphur, just go and stand over here, march through that diseased territory, then stand in that diseased territory. Maybe if we're lucky you'll get yourself nice and sick.
• Eventually one of King Connor's counts reveals himself as a Satanist and tries to recruit him. And Jon, having had his Heel Realization, decides to Jump Off the Slippery Slope. In moderation.
  Jon: "Begin my journey into forbidden knowledge." I mean... I feel like I'm not a particularly nice guy anyway, and everyone hates me, and there are a lot of people who I would like to die. And "could you do something about," yeah, I've got multiple rivals I wouldn't mind being dead, there's a lot of people - and I do have a snake pit... Oh, go on, then! We can have just one, you know, just one year of Satanism. After that point, I'm going clean. One bit of Satanism is not going to hurt. [...] Okay, let's just show some interest in Lucifer's Own as well, that strikes me as eminently reasonable, I'm just going to show a little bit of interest, so we'll see, we'll see what's going on. Oh god, this is going to end badly.
• When a foreign Femme Fatale arrives to officially induct King Connor the Seducer into Satan's clutches through some sort of sex ritual...
  Jon: If you're trying to seduce me, you've got this all backwards, I'm probably already trying to seduce you, it's just what I do. For any other king this might be a big deal, but for me it's a Tuesday.
  • Jon can't read the 'decline event' option, "I can't do this, I'm a married man!" without bursting out laughing.
• Jon doesn't approve of Connor's Evil Costume Switch.
  Jon: No, don't go around wearing an evil cloak! People are gonna know! If you show up in court the next day wearing a massive evil cloak, people are going to know! [...] Oh, you've got a fancy hood on too! Are you part of the Order of Satan too? Can we be Satan Buddies?
• Jon gets giddy about the prospect of having a wolf familiar, and is excited that the higher-level Satanic powers include Demonic Possession and "Absorb Life Force," potentially allowing Connor to devour the essence of his many, many bastard children to live forever.
  Jon: Oh wow, Satan's awesome, I love Satan!
• But it turns out selling your soul to dark powers can have adverse effects on your health. Who'd have thought?
  Jon: Right, "Magical Corruption." Martial, Intrigue, Fertility, and - oh, Health down. Well this is not what I need when I'm suffering from cancer. I need to magically heal myself with Satanism, from the damage I've done to myself with... Satanism. It's going to work out, alright!
• Sadly, the devil-worshiping King Connor dies before advancing far enough within Lucifer's Own to get access to magic that would cure his cancer.
  Jon: If nothing else, I like to think King Connor died as he lived: in the bedchamber of somebody who wasn't actually his wife, giving them a good tumble, she's probably flipping pregnant because he was the most fertile man in the world... Yes indeed, "He gave up the ghost at the age of 41, he died of cancer. Ever temperate, he never let his baser urges get the better of him?! (laughing) A godly man, he is with the Lord now," right, we also bribed the guys who wrote the obituaries.
• Jon tries to play King Hektor as the anti-Connor, and even joins the Benedictine Order to prove his piety! But he also proceeds to break a truce with England to take advantage of an opportunity to screw over Mercia, produces bastards while supposedly in seclusion contemplating the Bible, and steals a Nail of the True Cross and murders a fellow Order member to cover his tracks, the result of a failed attempt to get Hektor the "Ambitious" trait.
  Jon: Oh, [my Devotion level] it's got slower, because I'm losing Virtues, because I keep making terrible, not-Christian-virtuous decisions. So there's a moral in there somewhere, I'm just not sure...
• King Hektor receives a dinner invitation from Duke Cadoc the Second. Who has the "Possessed by Satan" and "Cannibal" traits. Jon accepts.
  Jon: Okay. So. We've just learned a valuable lesson, which is: when the Satanic cannibal invites you to a meal... don't go. Just, just don't go. In general, do not go, alright? That's the important... okay.
  • The kicker is that the "Possessed" trait isn't hyperbole, King Connor did indeed perform a dark ritual to ensure that Cadoc was possessed by a demon to make him more compliant. In other words, King Connor inadvertently set things up so that he ended up killing his successor from beyond the grave.
    Jon: Just because Connor's dead, it doesn't mean we're safe.
• After eulogizing the late King Hektor, Jon is optimistic when introducing the new Queen Yuselass, until he realizes something in the middle of his speech.
  Jon: We welcome our first female ruler: welcome Queen uh-oh... How many weak claims exist against us right now? 'cause, probably quite a few, and now Queen Yuselass is on the throne, they can all be acted upon - like, the downside to my plan of going around spreading my dynasty around is, there's a lot of people out there who probably have weak claims on me. UH-OH.
• Jon finds it safest to assume that every child coming of age during Yuselass' reign is one of Connor's bastards, and potentially a Satanic sleeper agent.
• Queen Yuselass has quite a virtuous run, and proves an able ruler who expands Cornwall's domain while also going on religious pilgrimages, building churches, and going into contemplative seclusion, so that she earns the epithet "the Holy." Then she gets her heir married to a widowed Princess of Scotland, which would allow him to inherit a title to that kingdom... if his new wife's previous children were to meet with an unfortunate accident before any new sons are born.
  Jon: So, we're all agreed we're murdering the baby. Excellent, let's just kill all of these babies, we need all of her male children to die, this is... this is not the worst thing I've done. But it's pretty bad...
• King Catastrophe's reign gets off to a rocky start due to unhappy vassals and failed attempts to rake in Prestige through wars against excommunicated neighbors, which isn't helped when his forty-year-old queen fails to produce any heirs. Jon starts making contingency plans in case she outlives her usefulness, and then something terrible happens.
  Jon: Oh no, this is the worst thing that could happen! I've fallen in love with my wife! Oh, no, no no no no no! This is a problem! Because now she's not pregnant, but I do love her, and that means now that if she has an accident, like she's just walking under an aqueduct and it happens to collapse on her head or something of that nature, now I'm going to be sad about it!
  • Then Jon notices that the Queen would make a competent Spymaster, and comes up with an important mission for her: stealing technology from regions suffering from epidemics.
    Jon: So you just get on with that, right there, have fun, and like, you know, if you catch smallpox, I'll be so sad at your funeral... Quite frankly I'm quite proud of that plan, that plan is cocking genius.
• King Catastrophe's philandering finally produces a male child, which Jon immediately legitimizes and Squees over.
  Jon: Oooh, we're gonna have a special summer fair for this! Special summer fair! Everyone come to the fair, alright, this is the I Have A Son Fair, we're gonna have a parade, and we're gonna put Joy on top of the parade, and I'm gonna carry him around and wave at the crowd, and I'm gonna pick up his tiny little baby arm and make him wave at the crowd too and everyone's gonna be like "Oh he's so adorable isn't he?" and he is, 'cause he looks just like me, it's gonna be beautiful! Just to reinforce the point I might just stick a fake mustache, a terrible, terrible mustache, on the baby, just so everyone understands what the point is.
• Meanwhile the king's unwanted wife just refuses to die, even after visiting areas ravaged by every epidemic known to man, even after getting Jon's hopes up by falling ill at one point.
  Jon: ...She's recovered. She just got over the camp fever. She's fifty-eight years old, I specifically ordered doctors not to treat her, and she's just recovered. She's never going to die. She's just going to live here, my entire - she's probably going to outlive me!
• There's a moment of panic when the crown of France, including its holdings in Spain, passes to the next Holy Roman Emperor, leaving nearly all of western Europe under the control of one man with tens of thousands of soldiers at his disposal. To make matters worse, neither the new Emperor nor King Catastrophe have any daughters for some Altar Diplomacy, only sons.
  Jon: I don't suppose you guys would be interested in maybe, like, a very early, 13th Century gay marriage or something?
• The Unkillable Wife is deployed to Norfolk in pursuit of a smallpox outbreak, only for the disease to immediately clear the region.
  Jon: She's not just resistant to disease, she actively drives it away!
• King Catastrophe takes a break from his failed marriage to spend some time with his mistress, only to contract Lover's Pox, which ends up making him less healthy than the wife he keeps sending to plague outbreaks. On the upside, after sending his mistress to a nunnery, Jon checks who her other lover was and finds out who's been infecting most of the Cornwall court with a venereal disease.
  Jon: Right, this guy's going in prison. Officially, it's because of the whole, you know, leading a plot against some guy, I don't know who it is. But unofficially, it's because he's just managed to indirectly give the king, I don't know, herpes or something.
• Jon finally gets out of his marriage when his wife suffers an unfortunate accident while leaning on her balcony railing one morning. He notes that immediately afterward, Europe suffers a massive outbreak of measles, consumption, and slow fever.
• The final years of Emperor Catastrophe's life turn out to be a race to complete his magnum opus before poor health claims him, and Jon is disheartened when his character gets hit with "Incapable" before his work is done.
  Jon: Now I'm just curious whether the Magnum Opus is still happening, or whether that gets auto-canceled, because I feel like - I can't really be writing it, surely? (event pops up) No, I am still writing the Magnum Opus! Despite the fact that I've completely lost it and am lying comatose in a bed, I am still writing the book!
• Emperor Michel spends his last years running strategic assassination plots to ensure the right man gets picked as the tanist, before provoking a duel with someone fifty years younger than him. When Emperor Happiness takes over, Jon is surprised that the guy is Eastern Orthodox and culturally Greek, which turns out to be pretty consequential.
  Jon: So, I transferred power to Happiness... who was already the King of England... the Kingdom of England was, and remains, primogeniture... He can't be tanist anymore! I accidentally abolished tanistry because he's not Breton! And tanistry's exclusive to - WHAT HAVE I DONE?! Oh no. I've just changed the empire over to gavelkind! By mistake! Oh, that's... that's not going to... oh no, no, no that wasn't supposed to happen!
• While nervously waiting out the clock to fix the empire's succession laws, Emperor Happiness accidentally creates a merchant republic in East Anglia, then makes a move on Scotland by finding a Scottish woman with an inheritable strong claim on the kingdom, marrying her into Cemeu dynasty, and then declaring war to put her on the Scottish throne. The war takes some twists and turns with the Norwegians getting involved and the Byzantines making a move while Jon's distracted, but in the end Scotland has a new queen with a Cornish husband.
  Jon: Still, we have done something very important here, which is we- (death notification) Did you [her husband] just die? Did you just cocking die im-flipping-mediately? Did you just die within flipping seconds of - she's single. Oh cock. This... this is not what I needed. I don't have anyone to marry to her anymore. What, no... Right. So, I've been screwed over by consumption, because my plan was "if worst comes to worst, then they'll have children who are of my house and I can play as them." So once again that plan hasn't worked out, so... who else has a claim on Scotland who wants to help me boot her out?
• When the Jeanne d'Archétype event fires, Jon becomes quite enamored with this Perenn, the "Holy Maid of Glamorgan," and decides she would make a great (chaste) wife. His character is already married, but that's a minor problem.
  Jon: I know I'm doing the right thing, because Perenn is on-board. Perenn is one-hundred-percent on board with me killing my own wife.
• When Emperor Happiness hits sixty, Jon realizes he should keep a closer eye on the royal succession. Less than a minute later, Happiness suddenly dies. After taking in the new Emperor Morhaetho's position and lack of quality successors, Jon decides to breed a generation of great rulers through courtiers with the Genius trait. Five minutes later, he gets a notification about something called the "Black Death" appearing in Mongol-held lands to the east.
  Jon: That's... that's interesting. That's very interesting. I mean, presumably it, it's just, you know, going to burn itself out over there, I don't see any realisitc chance it's going to make its way over to Europe and kill basically everyone, that wouldn't happen, right? That's definitely not going to happen.
• Since the game inexplicably gives him the option to, Jon decides Emperor Morhaetho will join the Assassins, secretly converting to Shia Islam, while attempting to make the Catholic Pope lift an excommunication, by taking part of a crusade to defeat the Jewish kingdom of Bohemia. After murdering his wife to prove his devotion to his new cause, Jon decides to train Morhaetho's youngest son in the lethal arts. His training goes well until Jon decides to hire some thugs to menace the boy as a test.
  Jon: Oh, he died... Okay, so, in many ways, training my own son as an Assassin didn't work out. But, had he not died at the end there, it might have worked. It would have been better had he not died, I'll agree, but...
• A disease outbreak in Cornwall proper might be a blessing in disguise.
  Jon: Wait, is more than one disease allowed to exist at the same time? Is Cornwall about to be saved from the Black Death by Camp Fever and smallpox, because the Black Death can't physically make it over? Because that would be kind of hilarious, yes.
• Between the Black Death and a civil war, Emperor Morhaetho ends up borrowing money from everyone to stay afloat, including the head of the Assassins. When said leader shows up later to demand repayment, Jon refuses, even though it will mean harsh consequences. Sure enough, Grand Master Trados issues a mission to "encourage" Emperor Morhaetho to repay the gold... which he issues to Emperor Morhaetho.
  Jon: If I actually accept this mission, then presumably nobody else does... yes, I'm going to accept this mission. So, you can certainly trust me to get on with collecting the outstanding money. That is 100% definitely a thing you can trust me to get right on.
• Apropos of nothing, Jon remarks how sad he'll be when Perenn dies. Literally a minute later...
• The young Emperor Morhaetho the Second has an innovative new goal for his administration - going his entire reign without murdering his wife. Instead he decides to murder his wife's brother, to make her the future Queen of Italy, a title which would be inherited by the next Emperor of Cornwall. Which makes his wife hate him. Before they've actually conceived an heir.
  Jon: So, she's not desperately keen on me right now, to be honest, no. I really hope we can get out a child, though - the thing is, we need a son. The fact that she doesn't like me is irrelevant.
• When Italy revolts against Queen Anna, Emperor Ohdear's mother, Jon wonders whether he should get involved.
  Jon: Here's the thing: there's two ways that this war works out for me. Way number one is that we offer military assistance, march our troops all the way over to Italy, put down the revolt, and ensure that Queen Anna stays on the throne, meaning we don't get Italy yet. Or, in the event that, say, Queen Anna were to just, (goes to "Plot to Kill" menu) you know, slightly, unfortunately die, because, you know - it's not Mother's Day today, right? No, it's the 23rd of November, that's not Mother's Day. Let's just, very, very quickly check in, on whether, just in theory, this could be made to work. The answer would appear to be... no, no she's quite popular. That was never the plan, by the way, that was just potentially a nice-to-have - right, um, so, Mother Dear, I think we might need to, yeah, actually, help you out.
• After Emperor Ohdear brings the Empire of Cornwall to new heights, Jon expresses concern that his heir, the child Queen Leanne of Aragon, is being raised by another royal house beyond his control, and concludes that the best thing to do is have Ohdear make the ultimate sacrifice so Jon can start playing as Leanne and have some say in her development. The "bad" news is that Ohdear is basically unkillable no matter how many battles Jon throws him into, the "good" news is that someone assassinates Leanne, so there's no reason for the emperor to kill himself.

Crusader Kings II - The Restoration of Rome

• For his final playthrough of CK II before the third installment comes out, Jon was thinking how his Cornwall campaign was lacking in both internal imperial politics and pagan stuff, and concluded "Why not both?" So this time around he's playing as Count Leon of the Serbian county of Zeta, close enough for some Slavic pagan fun, but also within the orbit of the Byzantine Empire. And Jon's ultimate goal is take over the Byzantine Empire and restore the Roman Empire.
  • Jon's character happens to be "a real absolute nobody" and the first of his house.
    Jon: Basically - he's not really actually part of a house - he just woke up one morning and said, "You know what, darling? We're going to be House Choirosphaktes right now!" And she didn't really want to argue with him, so they just kind of went with it.
  • Count Leon's so low on the totem pole and has so little influence that he doesn't actually generate technology points, making one of his courtiers a bit useless.
    Jon: Okay, my priest isn't actually doing anything right now. He's just chilling out, desperately bashing stones together, hoping to invent culture, but he's not going to make much in the way of progress.
  • Jon discovers that of the two settlements in Zeta, one is a church held by the Byzantine Empire.
    Jon: Yeah, when I said I was the lowest of the low, I wasn't flipping kidding, I don't even own some of my own land!
  • Leon's wife Pavlina gives him a puppy, and Jon vows to break from his past behavior towards his CK II spouses.
    Jon: Okay. We're gonna be good by Pauline, we're gonna treat her right. And we're going to call [the dog] Faithful, which is precisely what we're gonna be, to our wife, because she got us a puppy, alright? Leon is gonna be a good damn husband. This here, this was a sign that we treat Pauline well, dammit.
  • Count Leon takes a pilgrimage to Antioch, immediately gets sick during the journey, somehow vomits his way from Serbia to Syria in a month, picks up a fever on the way home, and only gets 300 Devotion points from it, well short of what he needs to advance in rank within the Community of Saint Basil.
  • "There's a big dangerous force up in - oh wow, you've got a nice hat. Not gonna deny, that's a good hat."
  • "Now, the Crocodile Company is really the cheapest in terms of yeah, an extra two a month down, but, the Band of the Hippo has one, a better name, and two, comes with some cavalry and some heavy infantry."
  • When Jon's eldest son completes his education and comes of age, the first thing Jon notices is his poor stats, and it's all downhill from there.
    Jon: That could be better. That could definitely be better, right there. And your beard is a disappointment to me... oh, it's because he's a Lunatic! Right, that's, that's unfortunate too...
  • Jon's been trying to improve his relationship with a neighbor, and their friendship persists even when their respective loyalties lead them to war.
    Jon: Also, let's tell my good friend who I keep beating up that we totally appreciate the bravery of his troops, they died super bravely while I was murdering them.
  • In the midst of his wars to expand his domain, Jon receives a confusing notification.
    Jon: "Young Anna has finished her education in the way of intrigue, it turned out less well than..." Um. Does anyone know who Anna is, and why we were educating her? Okay, she's in prison. Apparently we just... we're actually responsible for the education of children in our prison! Well no one told me that, I wasn't even trying!
  • To fill a vacant Spymaster slot, Jon recruits a capable guy with a good opinion of Count Leon, who happens to be Catholic. Half a year later...
    Jon: Ooh, we found a heretic, marvelous! ...Nicolas my Spymaster, oh, um! I'm gonna be honest, guys, I sort of already knew that. Oh, but if I don't burn him now, then there's negative consequences. Lose Piety, and yeah, Nicolas, my opinion goes way down. Hmm, that's, that's a concern, he's my Spymaster... okay, we're gonna burn him, and then we're gonna go and get a different Spymaster, and I think I've learned my lesson this time, let's go for, you know, one that's the same faith as me.
  • After a Benny Hill period of armies chasing each other through the hills instead of fighting and resolving a war, Jon wraps up his first episode having survived a fight with the Byzantine Empire.
    Jon: So! Okay. It's been, how many years has that been? It's been many years, I'm in debt, I'm bankrupt, we're being invaded by Hungarians, who have approximately 10 bajillion troops, and what I have to show for it is one territory. One. One new county. Spectacular. Oh and also, a prison full of women who we just sort of... picked up from somewhere, so I guess they can sort of go, actually. Um, 'bye! Have fun! By the way, your king refused to ransom you, so feel free to hold that against him.
• By Episode 2, Jon's looking at his efforts in a more positive light, since after all he doubled how much territory he controls. He's also rethinking his position on the Hungarian invasion.
  Jon: Now, that is a problem, but, on the other hand, is it? Because these guys aren't coming for me, they just want this tiny bit of territory over here, now they're just smashing northern Serbia just to basically get the king to surrender. And... honestly, I'm a long way away from them. The worst thing they could do is conjure up a claim for the Kingdom of Serbia, move in, and take over the place. But if they do, that again isn't really a problem, I'll just start working for them. Arguably, I'd be a bit safer as a result.
  • "Wow, five thousand light cavalry. Okay! Right, it's just a massive cavalry horde, got it. They're just doing the thing where they remind everyone why Hungary is called Hungary."
  • At first Jon is surprised that the Duchy of Epirus is doing so well, then realizes they own Crete, "and as we are very well aware on this channel, Crete is the key to taking over the entire world. It's kind of like Australia in Risk."
  • Jon decides to have Count Leon fake-convert from Orthodox Christianity to Slavic Paganism so he can join a warrior lodge, only to find that he needs some time to pass before he can do so. He also considers joining the Assassins again, because "I mean, if we're going to go for one heresy, we might as well go for all of them. So I'm publicly in favor of Perun, I'm secretly Orthodox, and I'm about to join the Islamic assassins. Sure, why not, all right? I am ludicrously open-minded, that's what Leon is all about."
  • Happily, Jon is able to join the Champions of Perun, and is pleased with the changes to his character portrait.
    Jon: Aww, I get a bear hat! Yes, best hat!
  • He also learns as a (fake) Slavic pagan, Leon can get up to three concubines, which opens up some possibilities and some moral dilemmas.
    Jon: "Pregnancies involving them will result in legitimate children..." okay, this is interesting. "Someone who is the prisoner of a ruler can be forced to become their concubine," okay, that's gross, let's not do that. But, I am very happy to - oh... (mouses over Pavlina's portrait) I mean, I did say I was going to be good to Pauline. But also I'm, I'm dangerously low when it comes to children right now. Okay, we're gonna see what this child and... Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be loyal for as long as the dog's here. I named that dog Faithful, because I said we were going to be faithful to Pauline, so at the bare minimum, I'm not going to let the dog see me be a bastard. Alright? I'm gonna stay faithful for as long as Faithful is alive. As soon as the dog's dead, all bets are off.
  • "If I change my hairstyle, can I get something that's a bit more... there we go, go for that. Bit more hair to go with my new bear hat! I do like to think that while all this is happening, my son is just sitting there being so bloody confused as to what his dad's going through, because I am blatantly having a midlife crisis of the Ninth Century right now. This is what it looked like back then."
  • Right after worrying he's low on heirs, Jon gets another son and realizes he now has a new problem.
    Jon: Oh. Um, problem. Son. Son and another son, and two counties, and gavelkind. Okay. So, this is, this is an issue right here. Because if I die tomorrow, all of my good work would be for nothing.
  • Then he remembers that his culture gives him some unorthodox options.
    Jon: Now... I do have one trick up my sleeve. Which is, because I'm Greek, I can actually blind people. And people who are blind aren't allowed to inherit. So I can just imprison [my son], blind him, let him back out without killing him. I therefore will not be a Kinslayer, but this person can't actually go on to inherit, so... yeah.
  • He ends up accelerating his plans to grab himself a duchy, because "otherwise I have no choice but to start blinding children at random, or risk a random death - and this guy could just drop dead, alright? This is Crusader Kings II, anyone could just drop dead at any second, and that would cause the empire to dissolve. I need a higher-ranking title floating around just so we could keep the empire together even if it's technically with a new noble in play somewhere else."
  • Count Leon starts having trouble sleeping, so Jon lets him go into seclusion and ends up resolving his problems remarkably quickly, picking up the Temperate trait.
    Jon: Okay, you were only in that cave for like two days. I feel like that was not a long enough seclusion to claim you've made some massive emotional breakthrough.
  • Jon realizes Leon is still pursuing a Theology focus.
    Jon: I hope we've like, you know, updated the theology to represent how I've completely changed religion, like, several times. It's been a confusing few years, it was my experimental phase.
  • As the situation in the Balkans descends into a mess of warring Slovenes, Croatians and Venetians, Jon can only declare "I don't even know what's happening anymore, but I think it's good."
  • When a Slovene army occupies the high ground and Jon wonders how to dislodge them, he realizes he can raise a nearby levy to bait the invaders to commit to going after them, disbands the levy before they can be destroyed, and rushes in to take the hills before the Croatians can react.
    Jon: Oh my! The hills now belong to me! You, sir, have been duped!
  • Jon refers to a pagan flyting as a "Yo Momma" contest.
  • Jon is heartbroken when his puppy dies. Not for very long, mind.
    Jon: Oh no, Faithful... Faithful will be buried, quietly, in the castle courtyard. And, now that Faithful's no longer around, and my wife is almost certainly producing no more children and I might need a couple more yet, just a couple of spares, just in case - right, so, concubine time!
    YouTube comment: jon: i need more children as a back up
    also jon: shit i have another child, may have to blind the little shit.
    also also jon: lemme get two concubines and make more children.
    i'm so confused????
  • Another apostate is found in Jon's court, but the question is, what kind?
    Jon: Also, um, when we say she's a heathen, she is actually Slavic pagan, and you're Slavic pagan but secretly Orthodox, so... hang on, which crime are you - oh, religion's getting confusing.
  • Jon's liege actually capitulates and gives Leon the title of Duke, and Jon notices he's now significantly stronger than his supposed superior.
    Jon: Depending on how the wars go around here - because this is turning into a right flipping mess, and yeah, Bulgarians want a little bit of land there - it might be time to start having a think about, you know, whether I might make a better king of Serbia. And then reveal that all along I was secretly Orthodox and then immediately through my lot in with the Byzantine Empire.
• In Part 3, Jon declines his liege's offer to raise little Perun as a Serbian Slavic, because Jon wants to remain culturally Greek. "Because Greek is useful, because Greek means you can blind people to stop them from inheriting, or indeed castrating them to stop them having children. That's fun."
  • After conducting a Human Sacrifice to the Ancestors, Jon checks to see how badly his Council reacts to it.
    Jon: Because plenty of you don't actually believe in my religion - or at least my publicly-stated religion. Like, y'know, I'm only pretending to be pagan. But I'm gonna be honest, I'm getting into this, this is good stuff!
  • "'A famous writer wants to compose your family chronicles.' Okay, Leon, I'm gonna be honest, if we just very quickly check the family tree... this is a con. This is a one-hundred-percent con, we don't even know who your parents are."
  • High Chief Leon's wife dies of "natural causes" at the age of 46, which Jon finds suspicious, but "on the plus side, on the real plus side, that means I can get remarried properly, which means that politically it could be very useful indeed!"
  • Jon turns down the game's suggestion to name his new daughter Thomas, but when "Margarita" comes up from the randomizer, he rolls with it.
  • While quashing a revolt, Jon imprisons two young princes, who no one is willing to pay a ransom for, and so on a whim decides to castrate them. He almost reconsiders when he sees the Piety cost and chance of picking up the "Cruel" trait, but...
    Jon: Okay, I see how that might be a thing, yes, how I might become Cruel. Hmm. Cruel might be good, actually, Cruel might get me bonuses in terms of fighting and whatnot... okay, you're both being castrated, because I feel like it. "You have the boy castrated and turned into a eunuch. You're a real piece of work, aren't you?" Yes, yes I am.
  • This turns out to have a negative impact on Jon's relations with his liege, because as he soon finds...
    Jon: Oh, right, yes! Um, that castration. That was... yeah, that was your grandchild, wasn't it? Were those your grandchildren? No, your two nephews, right, so, yeah, I just kind of castrated two of the King of Serbia's nephews. I can see how he would not be thrilled...
  • In more testicle-related fun, Jon almost invites a mediocre courtier to become his steward simply because his name is Balsag.
  • "I'm known as 'The Just?' Really?! I would have gone for 'Castrating Monster,' but fine, I'll take 'The Just.'"
  • Perhaps wisely, Jon repeatedly turns down his king's requests that he serve as a frontline commander.
  • "Uh oh. How old am I right now? Fifty-one, the age of just dropping dead..."
  • At first Jon enjoys his war with Venice, as he discovers he can capture, ransom, re-capture, and re-ransom enemy VIPs. When he sees Venice's Aquitainian allies finally show up, namely their king making landfall with only 40 men. Jon rushes his army over to intercept. Then 3,000 more Aquitainians appear, and Jon becomes very focused on reaching 100% war score and ending the conflict... but not before sending off a few last ransom notes.
    Jon: ...Okay, they're not going to get through that quickly, do the remaining sales, like, fast. (nervous laugh) Everything's under control. This is precisely a sensible thing to do.
  • "Who's in my prison, by the way? ...Oh, a random bunch of nobodies. Are any of you important? Well, I'm guessing not, otherwise someone would pay for your release."
• In Part 4, Leon's new wife manages to become pregnant, even though Jon admits he's "an old, syphilitic wretch."
  Jon: Okay, this is marvelously good news... and when I say "marvelously good news," more children just means more gavelkind problems.
  • Jon's faced with another Paradox moral dilemma when he realizes that of his potential heirs, one adult is a lunatic and the other a frail nerd, while the children have Great Pox and genetic weakness, respectively.
    Jon: Alright... um, I'm kinda thinking we might need to do a bit of a... a clear-out here. Like, I can sort out the problems with succession, right now. All I need is five minutes and a rusty spoon, and yeah, we can sort out all of this.
  • Even after Eirenairos is removed from the succession, Jon's surprised to find many willing potential spouses for his eldest son.
    Jon: Even though he has no eyes, and the fact that he's cuckoo bananas, everyone still considers him an excellent catch.
  • One of Leon's granddaughters, Antigone, comes of age, and though she's done well with her education her stats aren't great.
    Jon: Yeah, that's not spectacular. I mean, nice hair, maybe you'd make a decent steward, I dunno, but not great. And your life is not doing so hot, is it? Yeah, your mother's died, she died of cancer when you were a child, your father has been blinded, had his birthright taken away from him, and is also cuckoo bananas, so... yeah, sorry Antigone, your life hasn't exactly worked out spectacularly well.
  • Turns out Leon's son Perun would make an excellent Court Tutor, so Jon rolls with it.
    Jon: Admittedly, this is not how I was assuming things would turn out when I named him for the god of thunder, who I worship at my warrior-lodge, but I'm still proud of my tiny nerd son.
  • Jon's more than ready to make a move for the crown of Serbia, but has a non-aggression pact with his liege due to Leon's new wife, the Princess Karolina, who Jon actually doesn't want to get rid of.
    Jon: And I really like my wife! She's actually pretty damn good, makes a damn good commander. She's a strong Siege Leader, she's a Brilliant Strategist... I'm gonna be honest, I really don't want to get rid of my wife. I'd be really sad to, you know, let her down. Plus, I'm gonna be honest, she could murder me, my personal combat skill is only 5, hers is currently, uh, 23. So even though she is actually genetically Weak - like, she has overcome that, through education, training, cunning, alright? Though actually, she is Chaste which is... I swear she wasn't when I married her... And she's, oh, she's also become Uncouth. Well so am I. I'm going to be honest, we both smell.
  • Jon goes along with the "rumors of an artifact" event chain, even though past experience has shown that it's a waste of time and money. To his great surprise, his court diviner returns with the Axe of Perun. Which means Leon's pagan wife Karolina will be thrilled, and "now, if I ever got in a fight [with her], I'd have a chance. Because she's better in a fight than me, but I've got the axe of a cocking god!"
  • Poor Eirenairos dies under suspicious circumstances, which mystifies Jon since the guy was already disinherited due to being blinded.
    Jon: Maybe his own wife hated him, I'm not sure, because... oh. Apparently she was a lesbian, the whole time. And also Deceitful. And Cynical. And - okay, fine, she probably bumped off her insane husband, got it.
  • Serbia gets a new king without anyone telling Jon, who dislikes Leon for some reason.
    Jon: Oh yeah, who were the guys I castrated to you, by the way? Were they your brothers? No, I think it was your cousins I castrated. Okay, he's still holding a grudge about that.
  • High Chief Leon passes on, and Jon takes a moment to eulogize his starting character.
    Jon: "He feasts with the gods," and he does. We're not a hundred percent sure which gods he actually worshiped, and whether he actually got into whatever heaven he believed in. Religiously, he was confused - Orthodox, Pagan, for a few edgy weeks he showed a bit interest in becoming an Islamic assassin, but that was mainly a bit of confusion right there...
  • Which means Jon's now playing as Perun, who has a surprising personal combat skill given his frailty and intellectual upbringing.
    Jon: Right, so, Perun is basically a massive bloody nerd, but he does basically hold the Hammer of Thor, which gives him certain advantages in a fight. (cracks up) I love him. He's a beautiful, beautiful nerd and we must protect him.
• Just three minutes into Episode 5, Jon notices that his six-year-old half-brother is the Duke of Bosnia, and since he's too young to have an heir, the title would default to Perun if anything unfortunate happened...
  Jon: I'm not saying we should murder him, but I am saying we should check in to see how easy it would be to murder him.
  • When looking for a concubine for young Perun, Jon's weirded out when Princess Karolina shows up on the short list, since she's Perun's father's widow. "Also, she is dying of cancer."
  • Just when Duke Perun is recovering from both an outbreak of consumption and an arduous war, the King of Serbia declares he's converting to Catholicism, which Jon rejects since paganism's fun. Not long after, he gets a notification.
    Jon: So, the King of Serbia was just able to push through Religious Control Mandate. So, he can now revoke titles in the event of, yeah, heathens and heretics. Which according to him, I am. Okay. We might be heading towards, uh, crunch time here.
  • "'Recruit Physician?' I've already got a physician, don't I? What happened to my physician? You're right, I don't have one of those, okay! Don't know where he went. He might well have died of consumption, which is y'know, maybe a good sign he shouldn't have been a physician."
  • "And my Chancellor's tried to convince me about his Germanic beliefs, but no no no, I am clever enough to maybe convert him to my religion instead, so let's see if we can make that happen." (Smash Cut) "He immediately died a natural death! That must have been one hell of a letter!"
  • Five episodes into his pagan adventure, Jon works out that his succession is as good as it gets as an unreformed pagan.
    Jon: Now, you could in theory reform the damn thing, but in order to actually reform a religion, you need to hold its holy sites. And the holy sites are located broadly in somewhere way the bloody hell over there^note Plock, Poland, and then somewhere in cocking Denmark^note Rügen, Germany, and then that one's in Australia^note Kiev, Ukraine, and this one's on the dark side of the cocking moon^note Novgorod, Russia, so basically... yeah, we're not going to be able to do that anytime soon. And as long as my paganism is unreformed, that means yeah, I can't actually have anything other than gavelkind, I believe. The reason more was available back when I was playing Leon is because he wasn't actually pagan, he was pretending to be pagan. So unfortunately I may have no choice but to renounce Perun, literally the guy I was named for, if I want to have a form of succession that, y'know, isn't completely bananas.
  • Jon decides Perun should join the Champions of Perun despite his physical frailty.
    Jon: I like to think, given I'm a massive nerd, and I'm basically showing up with the Hammer of Thor, I'm also showing up in Thor cosplay in general, alright? My character's just super into the MCU, he really likes the Thor films.
  • Unfortunately his initiation opponent is Wszemila "Knuckle-Slammer," who kicks Perun's ass, but the nerd gets in anyway. He even becomes friends with Whatsherface the Knuckle-Smasher, and the two bump into each other during a feast later...
    Jon: Apparently I've been keeping in touch with the woman who absolutely kicked my ass at one point. So, we can become close friends, or it might be more - okay, I might have a thing for women beating the hell out of me.
  • Opportunity knocks when the Pope announces a crusade for Egypt, and Jon notices his Catholic liege raising his troops.
    Jon: Are you by any chance about to go off to Egypt? With your entire army? Which you are personally leading? Oh... oh, this is just... I could not have hoped for better. You know what? I'll lend you boats. Go, have fun!
  • Perun gets drawn into another Flyting, and faces a most unexpected opponent.
    Jon: Oh dear, Karolina's challenged me to a Yo Momma Contest, which is awkward because she is my step-momma. Okay, so, it's time to do a "yo momma" contest against the woman who is the closest thing in the world to my momma... okay, um, right, so, I do however have- (mouses over "This option is available because you are Karolina's better) -I'm Karolina's better, wow! Okay! I mean, that's true, but only because she's dying of cancer! Bloody hell, Perun, take it down a notch! Also, you're not, even though she's dying of cancer, she's 26 Personal Combat Skill. You're only 23, and you've got Thor's Hammer you lunatic! Hilariously, I can actually insult her family, which should work because she's Kind, so- (cracks up) I guess we're gonna insult her family! Oh my, marvelous... No, I lost my temper, and unfortunately the crowd sided with her. I'm not gonna duel her, though, because one, she's my stepmother, and two, she'd kick my flipping ass despite my magic axe! Bloody hell, this is ridiculous...
• With the King of Serbia out on crusade, Jon starts Part 6 off with a war to usurp the crown. The first thing that goes wrong is all his commanders being too busy on missions to actually show up and lead his troops. Then King Slobodan wins the crusade and gets a boatload of money from the Pope, which he immediately uses to hire some mercenaries to attack Perun's rebellion. The next half-hour leads to the episode title "The Lunacy War of Skull Mountain," as Perun's army holds out in the mountains of Onogost against waves of attackers. And after so many battles, Perun becomes quite a different character from the frail nerd he once was.
  Jon: Perun is up to 56 Personal Combat Skill! He is now Brawny, he is not Weak anymore, he is a mighty mountain of a man! He has been in the gym! He has not been skipping Leg Day or Arm Day, actually! This man now swings this axe like a demon!
  • Once the war is over and Perun is Despot of Serbia, Jon describes some Catholic vassals as "you all decided to drink that Pope lemonade."
  • "Now here's somebody good! By which I mean not-good, but suitable for my purposes."
  • During the fighting, Jon dismisses a pop-up involving young Sophia as an unneeded distraction - "Yes, you can be Ambitious, I don't care." Half an hour later, she comes of age, Jon looks her over, and realizes he might have made a mistake.
    Jon: She's actually, at this point, Ambitious, and officially one of my Rivals, because I was sort of panicking during a war, and I gave her that. [...] But yeah, she now hates me, and she's also an Elusive Shadow. So, um, yeah, one hopes she's not plotting against me...
  • Jon claims he's "got a good feeling" about Prince Orestes, Perun's son and heir. By the end of the episode, he's developed only a level two education, the Dull and Trusting traits, and what's worse...
    Jon: Oh... oh no... and he's got a terrible, terrible haircut, too! Orestes, you've let me down.
  • The wife Jon picks out for Orestes is a Strong, one-legged Lithuanian woman, in hopes of producing decent grandchildren for Perun.
    Jon: Orestes is a bust, let's hope the next generation turns out better. Also, I like the fact that you come from a tribe that appears to have literally a naked guy holding a knife as its flag.
  • "Oh dear, Orestes... Orestes, why are you wearing an evil hood? You're not a Spymaster - okay, so he's jumped straight into some sort of evil society, great, better and better..."
  • On the upside, Orestes would make a great frontline commander.
    Jon: You, my man, need to get some battlefield experience. Either it'll toughen you up into, you know, someone who's much more competent, or you'll get yourself killed. And honestly, either works for me.
• In Part 7, Jon decides to test his new kingdom's military against Venice by grabbing another county, and he's not too concerned when the serene republic sends some mercenaries at him because he's got some great commanders.
  Jon: We're marching into mountains right now, but Almo is a mountains specialist, he's good at this. Perun is a murdering specialist, he will kill literally anyone. And Orestes... if he gets stabbed he gets stabbed, oh no what a shame we're all gonna be very sad.
  • Perun has another son, who Jon decides to name Achilleus, the proper Greek form of Achilles.
    YouTube comment: Jon, the last son you had named Achilleus exploded you in manure.
    Many A True Nerd: ... Uh oh
  • On the subject of sons, Jon's relationship with his eldest is changed when the "hunting dog" event fires.
    Jon: Orestes just sent me a puppy. Everything is forgiven.
  • After the latest war with Venice, Jon gets most of his council on his side in preparation of updating his realm's laws.
    Jon: So, when we hit May of 916, we should be able to change our succession if our vassals are chilling out. Now, right now some of my vassals, admittedly, are not chill. But, we can take care of that. By murdering them.
  • Unfortunately, all the fighting on Skull Mountain has hit Perun with "The Wounds Within" event, giving Jon the Sadistic Choice between several bad traits.
    Jon: Oh, this is... this is not fun. Which I suppose is fair, because it literally is an event about having a catastrophic mental breakdown after being exposed to too much warfare.
  • Jon, who still wants to restore the Roman Empire via joining and taking over the Byzantine Empire, has a nasty shock.
    Jon: Oh, bloody hell! Um, okay, so... the jihad was, um, more successful, than I was expecting. Like, half the Byzantine Empire just flipping... naffed off. I mean, I thought you were just gonna take like Anatolia, which is like this little bit in the middle, yeah, this bit here right here. But no, no the jihad for Anatolia just took like... all of cocking Turkey. Ooh, that's... that's not great...
  • In better news, the 8-year-old Duke Prvoslav actually gets along well with Despot Perun, despite a lot of reasons why he shouldn't.
    Jon: Bear in mind, this is actually, yeah, the son of the previous king. So I did kind of steal his throne. And rob him of his birthright. And take half his land off of him. And, you know, kind of indirectly murdered his father. But he's actually at, um, +45 with me. Because you know, there's gavelkind succession, "the liege is kind," that counts for something, that's... also, hang on, "Cheery?" Oh, because I'm currently Cheerful, because I had sex with a random woman in the woods, he actually likes me more because of the level of cheerfulness.
  • Despite Muslim gains in Anatolia, Jon still goes ahead with his master plan and petitions to join the (remains of) the Byzantine Empire, doubling its land mass and making Jon the most powerful and important vassal within it. The lag between him sending the message and the Basileus accepting is put down to the guy going "Wow, really?! Are you sure?"
• At the start of Part 8, Jon explains his plan to revitalize the Byzantine Empire by shifting its focus to Europe, and promptly starts expanding its borders in the Balkans. Despite the complication of a disease outbreak, he manages to back a count's claim on the Duchy of Epirus and paint more of Greece imperial purple.
  Jon: Okay, now that, that was a nice, fast, easy war. You guys go home. For once, I started a war that I thought was going to take ten minutes, and it actually flipping did.
  • The Champions of Perun ask Jon to initiate his son in the group, and he's happy to comply.
    Jon: Orestes, my boy, we need to talk about you joining the warrior lodge, please. So here we go, we need you to go through the initiation rite, and... if you happen to get yourself murdered during it, then, we'll all be very sad. Not that sad, but very briefly sad.
  • When looking over Perun's kill count, Jon is reminded of Serbian family politics.
    Jon: (cheerfully) Oh yeah, my own baby brother, I'd forgotten about that, but I did do that, didn't I?
  • After Orestes starts murdering people in honor duels, Jon decides to have him form a mercenary company.
    Jon: I mean, they're gonna pay me whatever they make, he might get himself killed, which would not be the worst thing in the world... Right, off you go with my blessing, son.
  • After Jon's court physician dies trying to combat the latest outbreak, he hires a replacement.
    Jon: There we go, an insane, disfigured crone who only has Learning of 10, What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
  • The Emperor himself asks Despot Perun for a favor to be returned later, which Jon is happy to agree to. The immediate result is Perun backing the Emperor's "Title Revocation Policy" effort, which Jon isn't worried by. A minute later, he sees that Perun has also been forced to support "Disallowed Vassal Wars," putting a stop to his campaigns of expansion for a whopping fifty years.
    Jon: Okay, so... we might need to murder the Emperor. We might need to yeah, murder him, sooner rather than later.
• Jon starts off Part 9 by making the point that he recorded the episode before Part 8 aired, so his cunning solution to the problem of Disallowed Vassal Wars was something he came up with rather than something he took from the YouTube comments section. His workaround is to form the Kingdom of Croatia, take it as his primary title, and thus place himself outside of the Byzantine Empire's du jure legal boundaries. And since he's rather be the Kingdom of Serbia than the Kingdom of Croatia, he renames the Kingdom of Croatia the "Kingdom of Serbia," and the old Kingdom of Serbia the "Kingdom of Serbia 1.0," to avoid confusion.
  Jon: Now I'm aware that this sounds incredibly legally dodgy... like, the Emperor's just told me to do something, I've excused myself, stepped outside, I come back in wearing a slightly different hat, and now I'm claiming the law doesn't apply to me. But technically, I am within the letter of the law right now, so basically, screw you and your stupid decisions for making me do this.
  • A brief war to claim Zara from the Venetians takes a heartbreaking turn...
    Jon: Okay, battle even there: "As I'm swinging my blade vigorously in front of me, my trusted dog gnaws on the legs of my enemies?!" Oh no... Oh NO, "incoming arrows?! 'Wait, is that dog...'"
    (Stunned Silence)
    Jon: Oh my goodness. You just killed my dog, you just killed my dog!
  • Jon promptly executes his opponent in the name of Woofles, massacres a city, and renames the county from Diadora to Good Dog.
  • Jon decides to have Perun climb to the top rank of the Champions of Perun, and first is surprised that this involves a duel, then he's left wondering how the current Heroine got the position.
    Jon: Apparently I need to, um, fight the person who's... she's, she's got a Personal Combat Skill of 1. I feel like we've, um, got this. And yeah, I would like to fight you for the flipping top spot, because you're 57, and while you are very, very good at your job - or at least you were - you have kind of gotten old. And ill. And cowardly. And, yes, cake, so, so much cake. Um, so... yes, actually, I am very willing to fight you for the top job, because I've got a Combat Skill of 83, versus your... 1.
  • Drahomira "the Shrinking Violet" ends up crippled from the duel, and Perun becomes Hero of the Champions of Perun! Afterward, he receives an unexpected letter.
    Jon: Okay. So, um, a 57-year-old woman, who I kicked the ass of, and also cut off half her hand, she's... she's written me a love letter. Um... okay, maybe, maybe we just, don't do - no, no actually, just no.
  • Jon, and presumably Perun, are both baffled when the Children's Crusade event fires and stops by Zeta. He decides not to spend money supporting the rugrats, only for Perun's son Achilleus to go running off with the fanatics.
    Jon: You know what? I welcome this. If he goes and gets himself killed, I kinda don't care, he wasn't that good. But maybe this will be the making of the boy.
    (two minutes later)
    Jon: Okay, so, um, as for the crusade, Achilleus is just... dead. "Vanished without a trace." Oh dear. He was working for Kaspar, who's... also "died under suspicious circumstances." Okay, so I'm guessing the crusade's not going so hot. That just leaves me with Orestes, who oh my god he is not aging well. Being a mercenary is a hard life.
  • In other Choirosphaktes family news, Jon marries his daughter Zoe off to the King of West Francia, then checks and sees that the kingdom is currently exploding. Then he learns that someone murdered his other daughter Zenobia after he married her off to the King of Georgia.
    Jon: Oh no, I'm all out of flipping daughters! Dear oh flipping dear...
  • And then Orestes manages to get himself killed while off playing mercenary.
    Jon: Um... we're running out of heirs, like, pretty fast. "Killed by a wild beast." Well that was bloody stupid of you! Then again, you weren't... you weren't very good, were you? No, this is... this is for the best...
  • And then it turns out that Orestes' son Perun is somehow in the Italian county of Salerno, in the court of the Grand Mayor of Amalfi.
    Jon: Okay, so this kid's just trapped over in Amalfi, somewhere, and we can't get him back, good. His brother's also in Amalfi, and I don't understand why. Possibly the guy who took over the mercenary company after Orestes died was from there, and has just sort of taken the children back with him, to court.
  • "Oh, um, apparently we're out of money! Does anyone know when and why that happened?"
  • On the bright side, Perun's youngest son Hektor has become a rather hirsute 16-year-old.
    Jon: He's grown a terrifying double beard that makes him look completely overtly evil, he's completely underwhelming in every way, like all of my children are, but... it barely even matters, because [the Queen of Bulgaria] is willing to marry him.
• Jon opens Part 10 by noting he's invested heavily in Serbia's army at the expense of its economy, which means "I can't actually afford to raise my own military anymore."
  • While Perun helps an ally in Bulgaria, and the Basileus tries to reclaim lost territory from the Muslims, the Byzantine Empire has one of its moments when a faction starts a civil war to put the prince on the throne, without inviting Perun.
    Jon: You know, I'm quite frankly insulted that not one person asked me whether I wanted to be in on this rebellion, they just assumed I didn't.
  • "...also, does anyone know what happened to Georgia? Because... I think Georgia's just gone."
  • Serbia is hit by "the best-named rebellion I've ever seen."
    Jon: So this is Prisnec of the... Svezkezfezfet...^note Szekesfehervarian Peasant Revolt no, I can't, I just can't.
  • After beating up on what's left of Hungary, Jon notices that one of his prisoners is a single woman of the Árpád dynasty with a weak claim on the Kingdom of Hungary and the Blood of Attila and the Blood of Álmos the Brave bloodlines. A few minutes later and Jon's freed her from his dungeon, invited her to court, bribed Perun's current wife into accepting a divorce, and gotten his 61-year-old ruler remarried to someone half his age in hope of popping out some children to make up for some recent Choirosphaktes losses, and to compensate for the miserable current heir.
    Jon: Also, Perun [the Second], um, has apparently come of age. I mean... I couldn't be more disappointed if I tried. What's worse, is it the hair? The mustache? The stats, the terrible, terrible stats?
  • Jon also notices that thanks to Perun's dueling history, he's only 11 kills away from being able to forge his own bloodline...
    Jon: ...and I'm gonna be honest, the dungeon is crowded. And, plenty of these people are apparently so insignificant-
    (7-year-old Bathyány Dorottya screams as she's burnt at the stake)
    Jon: -no one actually, uh, no one cares! Which is, which is great! So... okay, that would be Kingdom of Bulgaria, "upset the lords of the Kingdom of Bulgaria..." They like me already-
    (Bogdana ot Pitesti screams as her bowels are torn out)
    Jon: -I think we can get away with that. "Kingdom of Bulgaria" - uh, you're unimportant-
    (Humayan gurgles as she is hanged)
    Jon: -uh, okay, that's the lords of Hungary-
    (Khunzakhai Mulu screams as she's burnt at the stake)
    Jon: -they already do not like me, that's, that's fine-
    (Rozgonyl Dorottya screams as she's walled up alive)
    Jon: -Lords of Hungary again-
    (Rozgonyl Kinga screams as she's burnt at the stake)
    Jon: -who's, who's left? How many people do we have in here? That's lords of - lords of Hungary!
    (Zsanett Khunzakhai screams as she's buried alive)
    Jon: And, Kingdom of Hungary-
    (Spanhem-Ortenburg Kamilla screams as she's stoned to death)
    Jon: -aaand Kingdom of Bulgaria. (beat) I think we can get away with that!
    (Elena de Baia de Arama screams as she's crushed to death)
    Jon: There we go, I'm just gonna double-check - I'm hearing a lot of screaming in the background, by the way. No, [the Bulgarians] still absolutely love me, it's fine. And with that, we're only two kills away from my own Murder Bloodline! Right, where are we going to get two more people to murder?
• The punchline, as seen in Part 11, is that after his frenzy of executions, Jon finds that Perun's dueling kill count and murder/execute count are two different values.
  Jon: Okay, that's gotta be a murder! Because I had the option to show him mercy, and I didn't take it! So... alright, fine, whatever. The game's very fussy about what it considers a "murder."
  • Jon really wants to get rid of Perun's grandson Perun the Terrible, but plotting to kill someone in a foreign court might get expensive. Alternatively...
    Jon: Okay, not gonna deny, probably should have tried this first. Now he's an adult, he's willing to just come to my court. Okay! So this is gonna make life much easier!
  • "Also, congrats to Bulgaria for actually starting a war that they are incapable of winning. Again. So, I guess I'll be coming to help out. Again."
  • Instead of just plotting to kill Perun the Terrible, Jon decides to have Perun the Wise antagonize his grandson until he can provoke a fatal duel, which might take a while, but hopefully won't give him the Kinslayer trait.
    Jon: And that, that's not murder, that's like honor, or chivalry, or something.
  • At the same time, he tries to get rid of Dorotheos, another horrible grandchild, through more conventional plotting.
    Jon: And to celebrate the imminent death of my terrible, terrible grandson, a drinking contest! Huzzah! Also, I'm going to say, it's downright risky for us to be running our own personal drinking contest at the same time we're organizing a poisoned wine plot to kill whatshisface.
  • Jon does eventually clear out the succession, but at what cost?
    Jon: I'm gonna be honest, the negative debuffs are starting to, uh, stack up a bit. So yeah, Dishonorable Duel, Ruthless, Title Claimant, Foreigner, Religious Differences, Kinslayer, Known Murderer, Merciless... and I am actually wearing a blood-soaked bear right now. (beat) I'm beginning to suspect that Perun has gone a bit off the rails. Possibly Perun is only called "the Wise" by people who are too scared to tell him that "the Evil" is his actual title.
  • Part 11 is titled "The Day I Accidentally Invaded the Middle East" because the "Start of a Legend" event fires and Jon, not wanting to give up his spot at the top of the Champions of Perun, rolls with a "pagan crusade" for the Abbasid Empire.
    Jon: Okay, um, apparently I've got to go and take care of this. I've just, uh - okay, I may have gotten a bit over my head here. I may have said some things about invading the Middle East I shouldn't have said. Um, things are now getting a bit... out of hand.
  • So for fifteen minutes, Perun and some other geriatric Champions wander around the Holy Land, attacking random Abbasid characters they catch taking a whiz in the woods and getting in drunken brawls with the locals.
    Jon: I really like how I'm just basically going around murdering the hell out of... everybody. For like, no reason, I'm just going around being a dick right now. This is basically a Dick Pilgrimage, and I love it.
  • Upon Perun's safe return to Serbia, Jon marks the occasion by letting Perun sport a double-beard.
• Sadly, though Jon tries to let Perun rest and recover from his Dick Pilgrimage, just minutes into Part 12 the despot succumbs to old age and his injuries, leading Jon to stop and eulogize the legendary king.
  Jon: His life was so full I can't fit everything in, but, he is ridiculous! Ridiculously strong on the plains! He was strong, he was clever, he was scarred, he was brawny, he... smelled, slightly, that was true. He had sympathy for pagans, possibly because he kinda was one. He occasionally murdered his own family, but only because they sucked, alright? A brilliant duelist, loved by those around him, ambitious but still trusting, still a good man aside from all of the murders.
  • The first thing Jon does as Hektor is send the kid to the barber.
    Jon: Hektor, Hektor, Hektor, you have not earned that double-beard, alright? You may have a small beard, but you have to earn the double-beard in this family.
  • Among Hektor's marital duties is occasionally going next door and helping his wife Queen Filipa put down rebellions, "because that is the polite thing to do, make sure Bulgaria doesn't explode before I inherit it."
  • Poor Hektor struggles to escape his father's shadow, and suffers back-talk from his vassals, someone stealing from the royal coffers, and even his wife suggesting he go on a diet.
    Jon: No one would have said this to Perun! Flipping nobody! I feel like I am not getting the same level of respect!
  • "Also, what the hell is going on with my children? Why do two of them have genetic abnormalities?"
  • Jon's matrimonial merger with Bulgaria continues to be a distraction.
    Jon: Momentarily would be an excellent time for a quick holy war to expand into a whole bunch of new territory, love it. So you've got yourself a massive-
    (Bulgaria explodes)
    Jon: -advantage there. You'll lose, but you'll take a bunch of them to... bloody hell, Bulgaria, could you just not for two cocking minutes!
  • Jon wants Hektor's son to inherit as much of Serbia and Bulgaria as possible, but also wants some spares around in his court so he can have more control over their upbringing, which will require shifting Hektor's focus from Family to Seduction.
    Jon: How long until we can go from, yeah, "sex with the wife" to "sex with literally everybody else?"
  • And don't think he's the only one philandering, either.
    Jon: "My wife Philipa tells me that she's pregnant, but that can't be right," because she's busy, y'know, defending Bulgaria while I'm over here ruling Serbia. Okay, ignore it, it doesn't matter, it's fine.
  • "Also, I forgot to form an alliance with the Bulgarians, which I should definitely do since I'm married to them."
  • "Okay, that is the third genetic defect that we've actually - bloody hell. For some reason, genetic defects are just all over the place here. One of my children has a lisp, one of them has a stutter, one of them's club-footed, where are these things coming from? Well, presumably whoever my wife has been shacking up with..."
  • Even when expanding his borders (while another Bulgarian revolt flares in the background), Despot Hektor gets no respect.
    Jon: So yeah, bit of a grindy one, Perun obviously would already have won, but screw it, look like it's going pretty well for me. Let's actually check on the state of their economy, by the way... yeah, they're losing eight gold a month, I meanwhile am not losing any...
    (an event pops up with his Court Physician urging Hektor to work less)
    Jon: Okay, I am not fat, I am not stressed, everyone needs to leave me alone!
  • There might be a consequence to half-assing his alliance with Bulgaria, however.
    Jon: Um, so... I can't help but notice, there's been, um, a small change, in Bulgaria. Which is, who the cock are you? "Installed by faction demand," right, the old queen has been kicked out. That is... not good...
• In Part 13, Jon acknowledges that he kind of forgot to banish the old King of Serbia when he usurped the throne back in Part 6, which the comments section was dismayed about because Perun stood to seize 5,000 gold.
  • When Hektor comes down with a fever, Jon brushes it off.
    Jon: Okay, fever is not the worst thing in the world, I'm not necessarily dying and-
    (event pop-up)
    Jon: ...[My physician] is a bit worried about the bubonic plague. Okay, possibly I'm dying, actually.
  • "Yeah, I'm just going to say I can imprison whoever the hell I want. So from now I can just toss you people into prison, which is very useful for me, because tossing people in prison means I can start blinding them."
  • Jon's confused to see troops from Lesser Poland around Hungary. Fifteen minutes later...
    Jon: Ooh, I've just realized why Poland was, ah, puttering around in Hungary. It's because Poland now exists. And it seems to have eaten Bohemia. Like, all of it.
  • Right when Jon's pressing a claim for someone's duchy, he gets a war notification involving the Byzantine Emperor.
    Jon: Oh, we got a big one going on here in - What?! Whoa, whoa, whoawhoawhoa, whoa! Hang on! Why are we declaring war on Catholicism! Right, apparently it's over ownership of this one tiny farm over here that's... close by to Rome, that's true... Are you sure that this is worth declaring war on the Pope for? Are you one hundred percent sure, my liege?
  • "Oh, look at that - we actually re-unified Serbia! And when I say 're-unified' I mean I stole a bit of land over here, and then I stole a bit more land over here."
  • Jon makes the somewhat dubious decision to become a Commander for his liege during the war with the papacy, which puts him in an interesting position - so long as he holds the post, he's a contender for the throne, and can call in a favor and have the majority of votes to become the next Emperor should anything happen to the current Byzantine ruler. The downside, of course, is that his character is stuck leading an army under the AI's control.
    Jon: Oh bloody hell, this is one hell of a high-stakes war. Depending on how things go, I could lose everything, or become Emperor in a second!
  • Jon's plan to inherit Bulgaria ends when Hektor's son Maurikos dies under mysterious circumstances. On the upside, this means Hektor can divorce his wife and find a new one to pop out some new sons.
    Jon: Alright, ladies, form an orderly queue, I need to have some children in a flipping hurry!
  • He settles on a talented daughter of the current Emperor, even though she normally doesn't swing that way.
    Jon: I'm just going to send her a little gift, because we need to really get on with each other. And I know this isn't really your preference, the whole... male thing, but it's just good politics, it's really good politics!
  • Another downside of Maurikos dying is that Hektor's heir becomes his daughter Konstantine, which has severe consequences due to the current succession law.
    Jon: Yes, everything's basically running on agnatic primogeniture, so women wouldn't be able to inherit, with the exception of the Kingdom of Serbia. Literally everything else is trying to leave the kingdom right now. This is, this is going brilliantly well, this is definitely not a danger while I literally march to war against all of Catholicism, simultaneously.
  • "There's a lot of... there's an awful lot of changing territory right now. Okay, none of this involves me-" (event pop-up) "That kind of involves me, in fact everything involves me, we just declared war on cocking Europe!"
  • As the war enters the Byzantine heartland, Hektor, naturally, is stuck in a tiny army of two thousand troops worryingly close to the 10k papal doomstack, while the Emperor leads the rest of the army to fight some rebels in the west.
  • After an hour-long episode, Jon admits that he needs to go have a cup of tea while he works out what to do in this situation.
• Part 14 is titled "The Succession Crisis" because "my dynasty is looking a bit, um... dead, all things considered. Now some of that, hands up, that's my fault, I have killed a lot of my own children over the years, basically to get them out of the way back in the days of gavelkind. My bad."
  • So since Hektor's wife is in fact a lesbian, Jon needs to "find some lovely, lovely, lusty wenches to become my lovers." Like this Simonis woman, who is currently single, but previously married to two husbands... who died young under suspicious circumstances.
    Jon: ...Okay, I may regret this, going forward.
  • The Duke of Epirus wants to invite Jon over dinner, but after the last time his character got such a request, Jon declines.
  • Ironically enough, it's Princess Parthena who becomes pregnant first, and soon afterward numerous portents of doom start appearing. It is unfortunately a daughter, so Jon names her Eris, "as in the goddess of mischief, who sort of started the Trojan War and basically killed everybody." But then Parthena claims to see visions of angels leading Eris to victory in the future.
    Jon: Okay, I'm getting mixed messages about how this girl is going to turn out.
  • Another quirk is that due to Perun's bloodline effect, at age 0, Eris has a Personal Combat Skill of 10, compared to Basileus Theodotos' -17.
    Jon: Meaning technically, if we were to put her in a duel with the Emperor, she ought to actually win. So give her a tiny, tiny mace and let her get at it.
  • Despite the distraction of the war between the Pope and Byzantine Emperor, the rest of Europe manages to win the crusade for Jerusalem, and the territory is awarded to England.
    Jon: Oh, no! No, don't do that! The last time anyone just gave England the Middle East and said "You sort it out," we just drew some straight lines on a map without really thinking about it very hard, alright? Seriously, they're still fighting wars over it today. Do not let Britain do this!
  • Jon is elated to finally get a fully-legitimate son from his wife, whom he names Kallistos.
    Jon: Everybody, protect this child! I want all 6,500 members of my army standing in a big circle around him under all cocking circumstances! This child must survive.
  • The Papal-Byzantine War once again touches Serbia, and Jon's retinue gets slaughtered to the last man by Catholic forces.
    Jon: Okay, but this is fine. You know why this is fine? Because this, this gives me a do-over. Because as it's been pointed out, of course, I'm Greek. Meaning, why am I going for a bunch of light cavalry with a little bit of heavy when right down here, we've got cataphracts.
  • Jon gets confused when he spots a Doge Perun of Boukellarion down in southern Anatolia, who he initially mistakes for Hektor's cousin.
    Jon: Sorry, that's a different Perun, there's a lot of Peruns running around. The original Perun was just so damned influential, people are naming their children after him all over the shop.
  • Unfortunately, Hektor's efforts to produce children with both his wife and two mistresses are making him feel like "we're burning the candle at both ends."
    Jon: Which is harsh, because we only did that the one time.
  • Another event has Hektor feeling like his wife has let herself go, gaining weight-
    Jon: She's pregnant, Hektor! She's supposed to be putting on weight, she's cocking pregnant! This is what we wanted!
  • Good news is, the Papal-Byzantine War finally ends with the Empire gaining a new crappy territory in Italy. Bad news is, it immediately revolts, "because of course it has."
  • Jon gets annoyed that his daughters from Hektor's ex-wife, Duchess Filipa the Usurper of Bulgaria, are all adults that he could marry off to form useful alliances, but they refuse to leave their mother's court and she's not making them marry anyone. He considers murdering her to get custody that way, but no one wants to join the plot. However, assassination won't really be necessary.
    Jon: Ah, but, she's dying. Okay, let time tick by.
    YouTube comment: In today's episode: Jon is upset to learn his ex-wife has done a good job being a good mother to their daughters, but is then relieved to learn she's dying of cancer.
  • In the background of all of this, Shia Islam has been waging a jihad for Burgundy of all places. Since the rest of the world has been distracted by the crusade for Jerusalem and the Pope's war with the Byzantines...
    Jon: So, Burgundy is now just a small Islamic exclave in western Europe. So that's fun, that's a thing that just happened, no one could be bothered to stop them. I feel like they're gonna struggle to hold it, in many ways, like many, many, many ways, but screw it, good luck to them!
  • With a young son to inherit everything, and more people owing him favors, Jon decides to once again throw his hat in as a candidate for basileus, and jumps to the top of the queue. The downside of course is that this means Hektor must be a commander in the Emperor's army...
    Jon: ...and the Emperor just started another big, stupid war. What big stupid war did you start now?
• Part 15 is titled "The Death Race," as an aging Hektor impatiently waits for both the current Emperor and his ex-wife to hurry up and croak.
  • A Nestorian Christian power rises from the ruins of Armenia, and even though its satrap is suffering from consumption and Possessed by Satan, Jon marries off one of Hektor's children to secure an alliance, because "It's not like I've got a lack of daughters or anything."
    Jon: Kale, you head over there, no need for it to be matrilinial or anything, you're not very good so it barely even matters.
  • "Oh good! A daughter has been born! I'm so happy, to have a ninth daughter! She shall be named Why, after what I yelled at the messenger who told me I had a ninth daughter."
  • The holy war in north Africa gets derailed by a revolt against the sitting Emperor, which places Jon in a difficult position.
    Jon: Right, so, I've teleported home to protect the Emperor who I would like to die. But, if I want to stop protecting him from the revolt that could unseat him in my favor, then I'd have no choice but to resign my commander position, meaning I wouldn't be eligible to replace him if he... okay, yes, I think I've got my head around that.
  • So there's an abandoned holy war in Africa, a civil war in Thrace, religious uprisings in Hungary, and then 10,000 raiders show up in Serbia, "because it never rains, it pours" in the Byzantine Empire.
  • To keep Hektor safe, Jon raises his retinue and has Hektor lead it personally, rather than acting at the service of his liege.
    Jon: You know, I would love, I'd love to help you out with your stupid rebellion, Your Majesty, but I'm just too busy dealing with these [Hungarian] rebels for you. I'm so sorry, I'm too busy being such a damn good subject.
  • Jon is outraged when Hektor's former lover Simonis, who never gave him a single bastard, immediately goes and bears a son to Duke Radislav "the Seducer" of Hum.
    Jon: I hate everything.
  • When Jon's mistress becomes pregnant again, he can only plead that it isn't Daughter #10.
  • Xene, one of Hektor's daughters, falls ill from dysentery.
    Jon: Well, honestly I don't care, alright? I have got plenty of daughters, if a few of them die or get lost, it's fine. But, go on, I guess we'll call the doctor, she's very good at her job.
    (less than a week later)
    Jon: Nope, never mind, she's dead. And this war continues as both forces continue to refuse to engage the other...
  • When the stress of keeping his lover Evanthia grows too much for Hektor, Jon marries her off to the steward of Armenia (without noticing or remarking that he's Uncouth, Slothful, Fat, Greedy, and Cruel).
    Jon: Right, off she goes, I'm sure Armenia is lovely this time of year. Have fun my da... Armenia. Armenia explo- yeah, Armenia is on fire right now. I probably shouldn't have sent her there, to be honest.
  • Partikios Arsenios, Doux of Trebizond and Calabria, asks for Hektor's support in exchange for a favor, and Jon's happy to agree since he wouldn't mind having "a powerful ally when it comes to the succession vote." A minute later, he checks the succession support status and is embarrassed to learn Arsenios only has 40 votes.
  • Finally, Jon gets a death notice he's been yearning for, and the notification that Basileus Hektor "the Mule" has inherited the Byzantine Empire.
    Jon: Oh. My. Goodness. Oh, what's that? Are you dead? Oh, no. What a cocking tragedy, YES!
  • After becoming basileus, Jon notes that the only Ambition left to Hektor is "Make a Friend."
    Jon: That's... that's kind of sad. I spent my entire life chasing power, and not that I've got it, what I've basically realized immediately is... I don't actually have any friends. Awwww. Hektor? Do you need a hug?
  • When filling the Emperor's new council, Jon gets to appoint powerful vassals like Doux Phokas of Sicily, who's a...
    Jon: Familial Kinslayer... Cannibal. Fascinating. Um, he's also not very good. Okay, you may be one of my advisors, who is kept in a different room, that is locked at all times.
• Part 16 is titled "It Turns Out Being Emperor Is Quite Hard," because while economically the new basileus is in good shape, and he has access to some awesome cavalry, he's got a host of powerful vassals who hate him because they think they were kicked off the council, and inherited three wars from the previous ruler. And as soon as Jon unpauses the game after managing his internal diplomacy...
  Jon: Okay, so, it's Day One, and we've already got a heretic uprising. And yeah, back in the day, rather nicely my liege used to take care of this nonsense for me, but now, technically, I'm supposed to deal with it. [...] And there's also [raiding] troops showing up here - okay, so it turns out, being the Byzantine Emperor, as it turns out, is fairly busy and complicated.
  • "There are more and more defensive pacts showing up, a whole bunch of stuff is going on, there's factions like crazy, the council will be discontent for two years, nothing I can do about that... Oh, and I enjoy seeing the Threats tab with twenty-one things in it, that's just great."
  • "Oh, and it would appear that the Bulgarians don't want to marry my syphilitic, pregnant, bastard daughter. Which is understandable, really, in many ways. Okay, does that mean I can attack you immediately?"
  • Dorothea, the pregnant syphilitic in question, names her bastard Hektor, which Jon takes as a personal attack. But then he sees his grandson's stats and that he has the Quick trait and the Blood of Atilla bloodline, which could make him a real asset...
    Jon: I mean, if nothing else genetically he's useful. Screw it, I'm getting him matrilineally hitched to one of my daughters. Here we go, young Princess Why, the youngest one, why not?
    YouTube comment: Jon 2 episodes before: "How is everybody in my dynasty genetically incorrect and slow?"
    Jon at 19:59 "Lets marry my bastard grandson to one of my daughters. Why not?"
  • From there, Jon looks at the rest of his daughters and decides to set up a medieval Super Breeding Program by inviting men with desirable traits to his court to marry them.
    Jon: Here we go, not perfect, but Quick, which is pretty good. Single, willing to move to court, wrong religion which is unfortunate, wrong culture which is unfortunate, but... okay, I'd say it's worth doing some interesting, yeah, experiments here. See if we can actually produce some decent children. So, you are now going to marry this man, and we are going to create some bloodline-y, strong, smart children, it's gonna be magnificent.
  • "There's actually a slot open, but yeah, the guys we want to be on the council aren't actually allowed to be, so... is there anybody in the empire who would be a loyalist? No, literally nobody, okay."
  • When Prince Kallistos comes of age, Jon looks him over and declares "I mean... it's not the best, but it's not a disaster! I'm willing to accept 'not a disaster' at this point!"
  • The good news is, Kallistos has enough support to become emperor should Hektor die. Bad news is, "the only reason these people are voting for me, is because they have to."
    Jon: I feel like a lot of people want to vote for Theodoros and - oh bloody hell, he's actually good! Well that's not fair! And on top of that, he's one of only six people in the entire empire who isn't actually plotting against me, so I can't arrest him! I mean, in theory... in theory, in theory, in theory, I could just use the economy of the empire to buy favors to force everyone to back my son, which would be the most horrendously corrupt thing imaginable, yet also strangely historically accurate.
  • When putting down an ally's revolt, Jon gets the option to have Hektor duel an enemy commander
    Jon: If, in theory, Hektor were to die in battle, right now, then officially, Kallistos takes over. Like, he has to, them's the rules. So... I'm not saying I want Hektor to be killed in some nothing battle in the middle of nowhere. But if it does happen, it kind of works for me! And... oh, okay, unfortunately I just won.
  • Jon's finally able to wrap up the old wars and start his long-awaited campaign to retake Anatolian territory from the Abbasids. To his surprise, they capitulate well before Jon builds up 100% warscore. Then he sees the state of the territory he just liberated.
    Jon: Also, there's a small epidemic of some description going down here - hang on, what is that - smallpox, that's bad, actually, yes.
  • "I would like it to be known that at least some people are voting for my son by choice kind of. And those that aren't are surprisingly close, actually - let me just send you a bit of money, there we go, plenty of money, that's probably gonna help you change your mind..."
  • To give Kallistos some experience ruling, and to get beneath Hektor's demense size limit, Jon gives his heir the recently-liberated, still-plagued Duchy of Samos.
    Jon: Please, for the love of god, do not die of smallpox.
  • "I feel like I deserve bonus points from my vassals for roaming around with my cataphracts, murdering these raiders and rebels and whatnot. I'm doing a good job keeping things nice and secure, dammit. So, you guys can naff off, you're wandering off somewhere, there's more bloody raiders everywhere - okay, this is a thankless job. As it turns out, being the emperor, you spend a lot of time just putting down rebellions and-" (pop-up) "Okay, there's also looting going on right now..."
  • When Jon gets the event with Hektor's wife saying she no longer loves him, he's ready to accept it, but then he sees the "She is given a night she won't soon forget!" option.
    Jon: I'm 59 years old and Stressed, this is potentially dangerous. But then - hang on, just double check here. Yes, I am most definitely lining up Kallistos up next. If I die being too good at sex, one, it gets my son straight on the throne, which is great actually, and two, that's just an amazing thing to have on the tombstone. Yes, all right, let's see if I can kill myself through heart-attack sex!
  • Once again, in an (unsuccessful) attempt to get the Ambitious trait, Jon tries to steal a Nail of the True Cross. He doesn't have the gold to bribe the abbot who has it, so he can only take the "grab it and run" option.
    Jon: I feel like I'm making bad decisions at the end of my life, here. Um... we'll give it a go because I literally don't have any other option, and see how that shakes out. If the guards cut me down, great, thumbs up! Again, that's a pretty badass way to go out of this world!
  • When Hektor finally dies of severe stress, Jon only shrugs "this is not a bad thing." Then he changes his mind when he sees how Kallistos' military inexperience has emboldened the plotters against him. And...
    Jon: Did we know he was secretly Catholic?! No, nonono, definitely not!
  • One of the first events Kallistos gets to deal with is a warning that one of the family relics needs some sprucing-up.
    Jon: Um, okay, so apparently the Imperial Diadem - y'know, the symbol of imperial power - has got a bit old and dusty, so if I'm not willing to spend 600 gold on maintenance, we're just going to toss it in the bin. The Imperial cocking Diadem would just be tossed in the cocking bin!
  • Jon decides to nominate Princess Eris as Kallistos' successor, because "Why the flip not?"
    Jon: Oh, the reason why the flip not is because that's my primary title, so if she were to somehow win, I'd maintain the empire and lose literally everything else. Right, baby Ioseph it is, then.
• In Part 17, Jon decides to help shore up support for the new Emperor by pressing some vassals' claims on some easy targets, like Amalfi.
  Jon: By any chance are you part of any form of, say, defensive league because I'm threatening? Not at the moment. (cheerfully) Good, good good good, you're going to regret that!
  • As a contingency in case of a mass revolt, Jon decides to invest in his core territories' military infrastructure, sees that they're already being upgraded, and declares "I'm one step ahead of myself."
  • Basileus Kallistos' unpopularity means there is naturally a plot on his life, but Jon's reassured by the fact that it's very hard to kill an emperor. Then he checks the Intrigue tab.
    Jon: Oooh, I say that, um, 82% [plot power]. As it turns out, everyone's on board - even you, Loncho?! Loncho, I thought we were friends. (checks Loncho's +1 opinon of Kallistos) Okay, we're not desperately good friends.
  • "The King of England, rather oddly, wants his second-oldest son to marry my bastard daughter, who has Lover's Pox, and Great Pox, and is a Lunatic, and is a Bastard." (beat) "I mean sure, you're welcome to her!"
  • After winning a war with Amalfi to press a vassal's claim on a county to win over that vassal, Jon notes that "Hilariously, this guy still actually hates me, because now he's powerful enough that he wants a seat on the council. Which he can't have, because he was recently fired."
  • When Kallistos' wife falls ill, Jon's instinctive response is "I mean, she is Chaste..."
  • To gain the Piety to found the Kingdom of Sicily to give to the Doux of Siciliy to make him a happy vassal, Jon has Kallistos join the Community of St. Basil so he can make some religious donations. Then he discovers that only gives him Devotion, not Piety, and ditches the group in less than a week.
  • Jon makes a pre-emptive strike at one of the people plotting to kill him, Konstantine Choirosphaktes, and succeeds in poisoning her wine, but everyone knows he did it. And Jon belatedly realizes that he just had Kallistos kill his half-sister.
    Jon: Am I a Kinslayer now, is that a thing that - yes, I'm a Kinslayer. Right. That's, that's less good. She didn't kill me, but I did not need -10 [opinion] to literally - oh dear. Okay. She might, hilariously, achieve her goal after death.
  • "Okay, as it turns out, literally everyone in the world hates me because I murdered my half-sister. Now, in my defense, she started it."
  • As if the Pope personally fighting against a jihad for Catholic Egypt and capturing the Abbasid Caliph isn't weird enough, Jon notices Paraetonium, an Irish, pagan kingdom west of Alexandria "that also owns this tiny bit of land up here [in Hungary], because why wouldn't it?" And then not long after Bulgaria manages to eat Armenia, Jon invites a 16-year-old Nubian Monophysite Christian to his court because of his weak claims on the kingdoms of Bavaria, Italy and Romagna.
  • Part 17 is titled "The Secret," and it takes forty minutes for Jon to reveal why. It's not because the current Byzantine Emperor is secretly Catholic, it's that he has the learning to undertake a very special quest chain related to classical mythology. Jon's ultimate plan isn't to restore the Roman Empire to its old borders, he's trying to recreate a Hellenic Roman Empire.
  • "People are trying to kill my wife, Anna. To be honest, good, she's really failed to provide me any children."
  • "Okay, the plan to kill me is back again, because of my... my rival? I have no idea who you are!"
  • "The thing about being a Kinslayer is, I now may as well kill as many people as I want. So getting my wife out of the way, so I can have a new, more Lusty wife, that would be a good thing to do right now."
  • Empress Anna does get pregnant, though Kallistos is sure that can't be right, but Jon decides not to ask any questions. At least until the bastard is born and...
    Jon: Oh, and of course it was a daughter, why wouldn't it be a daughter. Let's just do this dance again. The girl's name shall be Nope, to mark my thorough rejection.
• Jon starts off Part 18 by showing off how far he's come in his attempt to revive Hellenism.
  Jon: ...a prospering, brilliant religion that currently has... two members. Technically more than that, but plenty of them are like commoners down in Serbia, so we don't actually consider them.
  • "Oh, and good news - more people are planning to kill my useless wife Anna. Good! Good good good! Do I know who they are, because I will join them!"
• "There we go, I've got some fun stuff now. I'm a Falconer, I'm a Scholar, I occasionally stab my own family members..."
  • Jon once again switches his character to a Seduction focus to try to get a male heir, even if it's a bastard. But his past actions cause some problems.
    Jon: The number of women willing to come to my court is terrifyingly low. Honestly, you murder one member of your family, and all of a sudden no one wants to be in your family anymore.
  • Though Jon is able to find Kallistos a lover, Princess Nikoletta ends up exposing the affair and causing a royal scandal.
    Jon: Honestly, I can't complain, alright? Me and my half-sisters don't get on that well.
  • In other family drama, Princess Eris, she who will either save or destroy the Byzantine Empire, has a falling-out with Kallistos, decalares herself his bitter rival, and moves into the court of Venice.
  • Naturally, when Kallistos does get his lover Caracosa pregnant, the resulting bastard is yet another daughter. But again, Jon doesn't have any other options.
    Jon: Okay, there must be someone in this court I can have sex with... okay, you can have one more chance, but only because I basically can't find anyone else desirable in this world who wants to sleep with me.
  • For forty minutes, Jon enjoys success spreading his pagan cult and converting key vassals to Hellenism, and less success in popping out a direct successor. Then he gets the notification that there's a crusade aimed at Thrace.
    Jon: Okay, so... they've got one-and-a-half times as much strength as I do. Which is... good, obviously. That's great. Everyone's on board with this, the King of Ireland, the King of Bavaria, the King of England, that's, ah, yep, that's Venice, obviously, King of Italy... they're all coming. They're all on their way. And they're coming straight for Constantinople.
• Jon spends the first ten minutes of Part 19 preparing for the crusader onslaught, but is still shocked when he sees the size of their vanguard.
  Jon: Who's going to arrive - that's one man. One man, right there, who is... simultaneously a light infantryman, and a heavy infantryman, and an archer. Not sure how that works, but okay.
  • "Also, Zeta is prospering, because we've watered the field with the blood of the Pope's followers!"
  • Jon has an ally to give him visibility in western Europe, because for some reason Bulgaria owns Aquitaine.
    Jon: I swear, every time I look, Bulgaria owns more and more land, and I don't even know how they're bloody doing it. But on this occasion, I'm not complaining.
  • Jon barely cares that Kallistos' wife got pregnant while he was in the field, but is exasperated when it's yet another daughter. Then he gets a notification that Anna is gravely ill due to complications from the childbirth.
    Jon: Excellent! Okay, good, new wife soon!
  • (Un)fortunately, Anna survives the ordeal, though is "weakened and fragile."
    Jon: Dammit, she survived. Okay, would've been nice to have a good, more Lusty wife, but what can you do, eh?
  • ...but then she passes way not long after.
    Jon: Yes! My wife's dead! Good, good good good good good! Right, better wife time!
  • While perusing his list of likely ladies, Jon dismisses a lot of them as incompatible for religious reasons before remembering "Jon, you're not Orthodox. That's kind of the whole point."
  • "Speaking of money, we're still losing money. Yeah, I need some of these mercenaries to die, actually, so a big, destructive battle would actually be great, to be perfectly honest."
  • "We've won a siege over in... I'm guessing that's over... there's four fronts to this war, and it's getting confusing!"
  • When Kallistos catches his daughter Nope reading his letters, Jon's tempted to beat her to get Cruel for the boost to his Personal Combat Skill, but changes his mind not on any moral grounds, but because he can't afford the penalty to vassal opinion.
  • "Oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, I'm bankrupt, there's been a small miscalculation here..."
  • Since Jon's emptied his treasury supporting the mercenaries he's used to fill out his forces (not to mention a massive fleet that's spent half the war sitting in a harbor), his final gamble to simultaneously raise his war score by capturing territory, loot some money to pay his mercenaries, and get some of the mercs killed so he doesn't have to pay them, is to have a diversionary force storm Egypt, no matter the casualties. Then he double-checks that army.
    Jon: Those weren't mercenaries. (cracks up) I don't know who those guys were, but they weren't mercenaries.
  • Incredibly, near the end of the crusade, Jon gets the event where Kallistos starts reading another religious text and considers converting.
    Jon: No, I am not going Catholic, not after all of this!
• Less than a minute into Part 20, Jon gets a notification that someone's trying to kill one of his many, many daughters.
  Jon: Oh no. Someone's plotting to kill Gregoria. Whatever will I do without her.
  • Jon mourns the loss of Marco the Lion, the Bulgarian king who helped Byzantium stand against the crusaders. Then he notices that his successor "is just some random child, who I've got no relationship with whatsoever, and who sort of hates me, and who doesn't have that much in the way of troops..."
  • Jon remarries Kallistos to a woman named Agarte, a 16-year-old "Master Seductress" with Gray Eminence, who will almost certainly cheat on him.
    Jon: She is gonna cheat on me so much. But in way, do I actually care? Because I still get children, so many children. Yeah, we're doing it, you're coming to court, I'm marrying ya... This here, this is all going to end in tears before bedtime, but... Screw it, I've got a good feeling about this!
  • Of course, Kallistos is still seeing his old mistress, who in due course produces two bastard sons who Jon legitimizes, at the cost of the relationship with his new wife.
    Jon: You know, I really should have just married my girlfriend. That way, both of those children would have been 100% legitimate, "Born in the Purple," all of it.
  • And since the kids are bastards, Jon can't rename them, so he mocks the idea of an emperor named Carlo.
  • Jon takes a few minutes to look over the House Choirosphaktes family tree.
    Jon: The dynasty's got, um... there's a lot of, y'know, dead ends in it. Some of those are my fault, admittedly.
  • While in seclusion due to an outbreak of Camp Fever, Jon gets an event where someone's discovered moving through some secret passages, that escalates until Emperor Kallistos is maimed in a riot.
    Jon: I'm Severely Injured, and I'm still suffering from Camp Fever, and I'm One-Handed. That is... that's enough to kill ya. I'm getting very scared here, and- (event pop-up) Okay. Also, I've just eaten all the food. Right, this is... this has gone all horribly wrong. We were having a really good day.
  • When Jon finally has a son with his actual wife, and a Quick one no less, he decides to rename the kid from Petros to Zeus.
    Jon: Okay. So. I have got myself a beautiful son. Problem is, he's not actually first in line... yet.
  • Even though Jon has been bitten by it in the past, he picks "Struggle" for young Carlo's childhood focus because he really wants the kid to get Willful and Rowdy.
    Jon: It's going to work. And if it doesn't, then I've got a much better younger brother we could engineer into place.
  • The Queen-Mother of Sicily sends Jon a puppy, who he whimsically names Lucifer because the game gives him the option to. Said puppy proceeds to bite several dog handlers, kills all the other dogs in the palace, and even mauls the princess of Bulgaria to death, leading Jon to worry that the mutt really is Satan.
    Jon: That's... fine, possibly bad dog - oh, I can't say mad at you, Lucifer, you're such a good dog!
• Jon kicks off Part 21 by declaring that it's "the day I'm going to ruin everything" by jumping out of "the Hellenic closet."
  • Jon explains he doesn't like to turn on the "automatically stop plots" function just in case one turns out to be beneficial.
    Jon: Like, say, right here - my brother Ioseph potentially wants to kill Prince Carlo. He doesn't have the support to do it just yet, but... honestly, there's an argument to say we might just want to let him.
  • Despite the plot, Prince Carlo turns 14, and Jon admits "I'm gonna be honest... I'm underwhelmed" - he's Rowdy, Indolent, and already Stubborn.
    Jon: Okay, so... the thing I could do, would be - no. Wait, yes! I could just put him into Ambitious, become Rivals, and then duel the flip out of him in order to murder him. Now, technically, this makes me "the murderer of my own son," but it kinda doesn't matter, because I already murdered my sister-in-law or whatever, so it's not like one more body on the pile's gonna make anyone think any less of me. Yes, you, become Ambitious, go on!
  • It doesn't take long for Jon to see the downside of his new plan, however.
    Jon: Oh, um, when I say "I'm just going to murder him," yeah, I can see what that's potentially gonna be difficult to do. Because yeah, actually, I now only got Personal Combat Skill of 17, because I'm now old. And also some random woman we let into the castle cut my hand off that one time, which I can see how, yeah, that would slow me down a bit.
  • Later on, Prince Giordano turns 14, and Jon decides to once again encourage the boy to become Ambitious and a personal rival, because "once you've got one son who hates you and is planning to murder you, you may as well have more, to be honest."
    Jon: Like, Kallistos is getting on. His beard has gone gray, as happens when you hit 50 - precisely 50, on that day you go and you dye your beard gray, because that's just what you do...
  • Halfway into the episode, Kallistos' doctor thinks his cough is a symptom of cancer, and remarkably turns out to be right. With little to lose, Jon tries an experimental treatment, and...
    Jon: Okay, so just to be clear - he released a swarm of bees into the room where I was, and apparently I feel amazing for the next five years! So that's... that's a thing! Well flipping done!
  • Since Kallistos only has a few years of life left, Jon decides to openly declare his Hellenism, even though he knows he's nowhere near ready.
    Jon: How many people are in this society... twelve! Twelve people are going to bring back cocking Zeus, it's going to be beautiful!
  • This results in uprisings against Jon's few Hellenic allies and a Catholic revolt against Jon in his own territory. Though at least the latter leads to an important discovery.
    Jon: I should probably start whoa, what the cock?! Okay, so apparently I'm not using thirteen thousand retinue cap right now. That's... should have been checking that.
  • During the war, Jon is notified that there's a plot against Prince Giordano.
    Jon: Honestly, kill him, he's got an evil mustache, he's going to turn on me sooner or later, you just go for it.
  • "Oh my goodness, the most important event of all has just triggered - a small cat is demanding my attention."
  • "Also, I can't help but notice something - Queen Phyllis has gone Catholic. The King of Epirus has gone Catholic. Uh, the queen [of Trebizond] is - okay, the queen is still Orthodox, but I feel like I might have just completley super-boned Orthodoxy."
  • "Oh my flipping goodness. After all of the hope that we've put into Zeus, it's not worked out at all. I think you're worse now than you were when you were a child, that's appalling!"
  • Kallistos' first cancer treatment wears off, so Jon decides to "keep rolling the dice" and try something experimental again.
    Jon: Uh oh. Um... so, as it turns out - okay, he also tried releasing bees! (laughing) But it didn't work out well this time! Dammit, he released the wrong type of bees! I'm now 56. I'm suffering from cancer. I've just suffered Horrible Mistreatment. That's probably not good... (cracks up) Still, that's a hell of a thing to put on your tombstone: "Died of too many bees."
  • The "bee thing" wears off, so Jon tries one more experimental cancer treatment, "but this time, no more bees." The result...
    Jon: On the plus side, my Diplomacy was terrible anyway, and other people who don't have faces do like me more...
  • "And as perhaps we should have expected, Emperor Kallistos has passed on, due to the terrible accident of too many bees, not enough face. That's what we're going to be writing on his tombstone."
  • When Kallistos's epitaph says "he's now with Neptune," Jon takes that as "possibly a euphemism for how we've just tossed him into the sea, I'm not one hundred percent sure."
  • After the great Hellenism revival fizzled under Kallistos, Jon notes that Emperor Ioseph is publically Orthodox and secretly Hellenic, and has the option to start a secret Hellene cult.
    Jon: So, technically, we could just do - I could just do a complete do-over. I could try again! The fact that Hellenism sort of failed the first time, that doesn't matter any more. I can - [cracks up] Okay. So, that's... that's a thing I'm allowed to do. Because I apparently didn't come out as Hellenic, though I swear I did. Did I just like step back into the Orthodox closet and now for some reason everybody accepts that? I don't know how the hell they've fallen for it, but I can just found a brand new Hellene Society and gain 1,000 Virtue and... what, what?
  • One of Ioseph's first acts as emperor is to have the court physician, who significantly worsened Kallistos' health by having a swarm of bees attack him and cutting off his face in an attempt to cure his cancer, thrown in prison. And then he tortures him for good measure, in a way that Jon assumes involves bees.
• Jon spends the first part of Part 22 looking over the Choirosphaktes family tree, from the branches that end abruptly due to "tragic, tragic accidents in which I murdered them," to Prince Zeus who raises the question of "how is someone who is Quick and Born in the Purple this damn bad?" to young members of the dynasty who are inexplicably in the court of Amalfi, as is traditional.
  • Rather than converting the current crop of Byzantine vassals to Hellenism, Jon's new plan is to install some of Kallistos' converts into positions of leadership, by using Righteous Imprisonment against people he has no hope of imprisoning, crushing them when they revolt in response to the imprisonment attempt, and then stripping them of their holdings. Hence the episode's title "What If We Just Throw Everybody In Prison?"
    Jon: Y'see, we tried just subtly talking people 'round into accepting the glory of Zeus, but they wouldn't listen, they just wouldn't listen. And Greece, you took a Hellenic king and let him die in your dungeons. And that means, you are going to be flipping smashed.
  • In the middle of a vassal fight, Jon gets a notification that pieces of the Hagia Sophia are crumbling, and rather than spend 50 gold to repair it, Jon just pawns off the chunks for 100 gold.
    YouTube comment: And in this video, Jon engages in the traditional British pastime of selling bits of ancient ruins to those who want a statue. I don't know why I'm surprised.
    Other YouTube comment: He complains about ancient monuments and structures of the ancient Greek world being in ruins in his AC oddessy vids, then he sells pieces of ancient structures in this for pocket change.
  • Jon's tickled when once again, a unit of pikemen in the mountains of Avlonas manages to repel a superior force.
    Jon: The Greek army has just been defeated by a bunch of randoms on a mountain. Who just basically kill literally everything that ever goes their direction. Oh, that's beautiful, I love you guys, you guys deserve medals.
  • "Oh, and here's fun. I think we actually tossed out the old Finger of St. John, now I can just buy a new one for 10 gold, marvelous."
  • An awkward consequence of two emperors' differing strategies to introduce Hellenism is that in the middle of the closeted-Hellene Emperor Iospeh trying to defeat a rogue vassal to install a Hellene replacement, he has to deal with a Hellenic revolt in his home territories due to Emperor Kallistos' efforts to spread the faith among the peasantry.
    Jon: They're not actually "accursed infidels," but I can see why you'd want to say that out loud in public.
  • After getting Ioseph divorced, Jon discovers that was actually his second wife, and his first died in the dungeons of...
    Jon: ...Emperor Kallistos. (beat) Does anyone remember why I did that?
  • "It's kind of unfortunate that most of the people who are Lustful in the world are also lesbians. So, y'know, they do want to do it, just not with me."
  • "Though I do rather approve of the fact that yes, my Hellenic duke of Thrace has come to me to say 'Would you believe, the Patriarch of Orthodoxy is preaching Orthodoxy! We need to do something about this, sir!' I'm going to be honest, I was expecting him to do so, that's fine."
  • After spending a good chunk of the episode subduing the rebellious King of Greece and throwing him in a dungeon, Jon discovers that he can't strip him of his titles due to a nonaggression pact from a marriage to Ioseph's niece. So Jon breaks the pact for a -10 diplomatic modifier and loss of Prestige, which forces a truce for two years. Then he finds that he can't revoke everything and decides to wait out the two-year truce to try to revoke the king's titles on religious grounds, except the guy's Stressed, Severely-Injured, and Depressed. So Jon takes the guy out of prison into "house arrest," but then he decides to convert the king's heir instead, which means he doesn't need the rebel king alive after all.
    Jon: You, my good man - sorry, I know we put you in house arrest, you're actually going in the oubliette, because I actually don't care anymore.
  • To wrap up the episode, Jon gives a tour of his world and its oddities, such as the Jewish superstate of Antioch, an Irish splinter kingdom next to Papal Egypt, and some obscene bordergore.
    Jon: Eastern Europe, by the way, let's just not talk about Eastern Europe, because those of you with a, y'know, sensitive or OCD disposition, this is... this is not fun. Eastern Europe has just sort of got itself involved in a great big game of Twister, and lord only knows what's going on there.
• Part 23 opens with an episode of "Let's Talk About the Things Jon Did Sub-Optimally," where he admits that the whole business with creating, granting, and revoking kingdom titles so the vassal he prefered could inherit them could have been avoided if he'd just been using the viceroys mechanic.
  • "Also, I just had a glance north, and I don't really enjoy doing that, because the north is, um... I'm so sorry, I didn't make this bordergore, I'm just trying to figure out what the hell's going on here. There are now two Bohemias..."
  • "Also, I may have completely missed at some point that the King of Bulgaria is literally my nephew. Which would explain why he's getting on with me, yes."
  • "Ah yes, Zacharias the Count of Skull Mountain. You, my friend, I wouldn't care so much if you happened to get attacked [while collecting taxes], so how about you just get on with... why are there raiders attacking Constantinople?"
  • Jon's dismayed when he gets a specific event due to Ioseph's Cynical trait.
    Jon: Oh no, I've started yelling at people giving me cookies, in case the cookies are poisoned. And I really shouldn't do that, because people will stop giving me cookies, and cookies are great!
  • With a quiet-ish empire and content vassals, Jon decides to take the opportunity to change some laws, but first learns that he's lacking the technology needed for the increased centralization he wants. And then he learns...
    Jon: Oh! Okay, I was planning to just say, you know, move my capital over to Constantinople, to take advantage of its bustling, advanced technology, but as it turns out, uh, no, that's not a thing. Constantinople is actually backwards next to Zeta, pretty much. So that's, that's surprising, Zeta is evidently the technical capital of the world!
  • Between the secret Hellenic societies Jon's funding and the cost of his retinue nipping over to crush yet another Jewish uprising in Crimea, the Byzantine Empire gets a bit low on cash.
    Jon: Just in theory, what sort of extortion could we pull off here?
  • "The entire empire is just being run by children, at the minute. This just keeps happening!"
  • "You know, I'm thinking there should be a longer cooldown on religious rebellious. Because this is the - what is it, third? Fourth?"
  • Emperor Ioseph becomes known as "the Strong," which Jon thinks "kind of feels like a you know, pity-title, to be honest."
    Jon: Like, "You know what, he hasn't done anything else worth noting, so... you know what, he's a pretty bulky guy, we'll say he's like, strong! That'll do!"
  • Against his better judgment, Jon decides to hold a grand tournmanet, and in short order "the maiming has begun!"
    Jon: ...and my own doctor was just killed! Right, well that's... that's unfortunate, the physician apparently could not heal thyself. (event pop-up) Okay, that's three deaths, as well! Do we maybe want to like, I dunno, call this thing off? (event pop-up) Okay, more people are dying, but then he was actually Orthodox heresy, so whatever. (event pop-up) Um, okay, that's four deaths... (event pop-up) Five... I'm regretting doing this tournament at this point, too many people are dying in it!
  • "Also, I think I might have been married to this woman at some point, because apparently she's really annoyed about a divorce."
  • Jon thinks that the Chancellor position is cursed, because every guy he sends down to fabricate a claim on Papal Alexandria ends up dying.
  • In the background of Jon's empire-managing, Epirus is wracked by a civil war that's been going on for so long "it's started to be inherited down generations!" When it finally ends, Epirus is a tribal kingdom for a little bit, but then its new leader gets captured by bandits and eventually dies in battle. The usurper's son takes over, but then the original king just shows up and says "actually, you know what, I'm king after all. So basically that entire civil war was for nothing."
  • Ioseph "wishes to give King Jon the Fat a bit of a run for his money" by becoming so bloated that he can't stand up without assistance.
  • After decades of work and a fifty-minute episode, Emperor Ioseph declares himself openly Hellene and doesn't trigger an immediate civil war! And since his vassals have been dilligently expanding the empire's borders...
    Jon: We have got the money. We have got the manpower. We are in a strong, strong position and, because I've been dealing with this internal business for a couple of decades, my Threat has completely worn away. Europe... suspects nothing. And that means next time, ladies and gentlemen, the fun begins.
• Jon opens Part 24 by declaring that despite the seeming success of Hellenism, "this could all go horribly wrong - in fact, it's definitely going to go at least a little horribly wrong, yet."
  Jon: Because what I did, I made sure we had a bunch of Hellenic kings over in Sicily, in Trebizond, Bulgaria, large parts of Croatia... the problem is, however, that's just the kings. The actual number of people who are Hellenic in the world is not spectacular. I made sure to convert my territory before we actually flipped the switch, so we've got ourselves Serbia over here, a bit of Ionia and Athens over there. But yeah, the rest of the people around the world are... not exactly convinced yet.
  • On the upside, he has some dukes around that could be loyal subjects, among other perks.
    Jon: We've got a duke over here who's got - here we flipping go - my favorite thing in the world, a very young male child, still young enough to be converted to Hellenism.
  • "What's this over here? Why, it's Italy, with a child on the throne, with only 7,000 troops. And with no Threat, there's no defensive pacts whatsoever. Oh, nonaggression pact with Hungary? Yeah, that'll help you out an awful flipping lot..."
  • Jon admits that maybe he ought to have invited someone with claims in Italy to his court before going full Hellene, so they wouldn't refuse to come due to religious differences.
    Jon: Though, I do find this hilarious, by the way. Which is, my zodiac sign is Gemini, which is just a general -5 [opinion penalty], which is just ridiculous, but whatever. But yeah, this person hates me, because they're a Catholic. And I'm a stupid pagan, who believes in stupid pagan things, like the zodiac, what a bunch of idiots! And you know what's even worse? He's a Gemini!
  • "What I should be focusing on the time being is... one, Constantinople is under siege, and I forgot about that. That's fine, we'll just send some troops over there to see them off."
  • Jon notes that Iospeh being so corpulent that he can't get out of bed anymore doesn't actually give him a Health debuff, but he wants to get rid of the trait anyway, and so shifts to a Hunting focus. "So, I feel sorry for the horse quite frankly, but we're going."
  • Jon's generational strategy to revive Hellenism hits some turbulence when the heirs he's grooming start dying in mysterious circumstances, but there are other children to work with.
    Jon: You can assassinate as many children as you want, I shall simply create more.
  • Jon isn't sure whether a 7-year-old is "too old to begin the Hellenic Jedi training."
  • The rabidly Catholic duke of Epirus needs to go, for reasons.
    Jon: Peter, you have acted dishonorably towards me in a way that isn't one-hundred-percent clear. But what you also did was engage in a civil war that lasted for decades and achieved nothing. I mean, I'll give you due credit, you did a good job expanding the empire into [Crimea], but then you didn't bother building cities so you'd get to keep it - like, I had to buy those cities. I spent like 1,600 gold just reinforcing your own flipping territory! And I don't even get taxes out of it! So I consider that dishonorable enough, you are going to be arrested, which is going to fail, which means you're going to raise your armies, which means I get to smash you in the face. Oh my goodness, he's raised his flag in rebellion, who could have seen that one coming?
  • Tragically, Emperor Ioseph dies before the war is resolved. "This seems to happen a lot - we try to introduce Hellenism, and then the very next day, you just drop dead. So that's... that's a shame."
  • When Poseidon takes over the empire, some of Ioseph's titles pass to Despot Hektor II of Serbia, "but yeah, he won't be holding on to that stuff for long, let's just put it that way."
  • The episode gets the title "How Venice Broke the Universe" because Epirus is simultaneously in a war with Emperor Poseidon and Venice, which has occupied one of the territories Jon needs to take to get his warscore up to 100%. So Jon has to reload the save as Peter of Epirus, surrender to Venice, go back to playing as Poseidon, and accepting Epirus' surrender. And hope that the AI hasn't screwed the empire up too much in the three days it had control of it.
  • The bad news is, Catholicism mobilizes again for a crusade. Good news is, its target is Brythoniaid.
    Jon: You guys are wasting a crusade on sending all of Christendom to attack... Wales. (beat) I mean, fair enough, I suppose. You were a bit humiliated during the last crusade, so sure, go for a softer target this time.
  • "Oh my goodness, King Peter just joined the crusade from prison, and is deploying troops to assist. Right, moving over to Epirus because we've got more revoking to do..."
  • Duke Ignio of Epirus then get the viceroyal crown to the kingdom and a number of other titles, which makes him quite happy with his emperor.
    Jon: Now, I only want one, one tiny, tiny thing in return, and that's your firstborn child. And it's done, next in line to the Epirus throne shall now be Hellenic.
  • To help Poseidon get out some heirs, Jon decides a Seduction focus is less useful than the Diplomacy boost from Family focus, "and speaking of which, I need one of those."
  • "And who'd have thought it, the combined powers of Western European Catholicism were successfully able to subdue south Wales."
  • To weaken a sprawling Kingdom of Bulgaria, Jon creates the Kingdom of Wallachia to break off chunks of it.
    Jon: So, that is now the shape of the Byznatine Empire. I think I've made it slightly more bordergore-y. But, just in case you think that's a mess, just look up north, okay. Seriously, next to how Eastern Europe's doing, I'm doing a lovely, lovely job.
• In Part 25, Jon thinks it's time to put the "Rome" back in the Basileia tōn Rhōmaiōn, which is made simpler by the Kingdom of Sicily's campaigns in the area.
  Jon: Yes, he did just burn Rome down a bit. Good, I'm going to go burn them down myself, shortly.
  • "I am also rather fond of the fact that all this religious nonsense means everybody keeps sending preachers to my court. And I just get to keep throwing them in prison. And then, you can make some really good money just [ransoming] them, or if you want to, just kill them, for fun!"
  • A welcome side benefit of expanding toward Rome is that it increases Hellenism's Moral Authority rating.
    Jon: Which is going to make it a tiny bit faster for people to come 'round to Zeus being the One True God. Aside from all the other gods, who are also One True Gods. Then there are, like, sorta-gods, like the anthropomorphic personification of night? Who is like mentioned in The Iliad and is sorta a god - okay, Hellenic religion is a little bit on the fuzzy side, I'll admit.
  • "Also, good for King Zeus, he's decided to actually attack King Gandalfr to take over more of southern France. I mean, you know what? Go for it! Expand Greece into southern France, go on, I welcome it!"
  • "Also, how in the name of heck did I just get up to 12.9% Threatening off taking one county? How?!"
  • Meanwhile over in the Middle East, Antioch is having its own crazy game interfering in Abbasid politics.
    Jon: This is a Jewish superstate independence war that might be about the break the Abbasid dynasty in half! Oh my, oh the flip my! And it's winning!
  • After taking the county of Rome off the Kingdom of Romagna, Jon decides to keep it as part of his personal demense.
    Jon: I shall be holding onto that myself, because I assume that wow, you guys did not invest in Rome! Like, at all!
  • Since Jon's character is named Poseidon, he names his first son Theseus, which unfortunately means his second son is by default Polyphemus, "the cyclops, who I'll admit did not come to a good end. Maybe this is not a good idea. But screw it, it'll do."
  • Jon gets an event where Emperor Poseidon becomes jealous of his brother Zeus "what with his perfect body and happy life."
    Jon: "Perfect body-" (mouses over Zeus' Disfigured trait) "-and his happy, happy life." (mouses over Zeus' Scarred, Drunkard and Stressed traits) Okay, Poseidon, you are not paying much attention to Zeus' life.
  • Jon belatedly notices that due to character deaths, there is now a boy named Perun on the throne of Anatolia.
    Jon: Oh, he's a Catholic. Okay, Perun was always a bit confused about this sort of thing, sure.
  • Before launching an invasion to take Alexandria, Jon takes a special action to consult the omens for the coming campaign, to improve his odds of winning it. Though there's always the chance of finding unfavorable omens that have the opposite effect...
    Jon: 500 gold and... 500 gold and my armies perform 10% worse than if I'd done nothing. Good job, everybody!
  • "Oh, and also, my flipping daughter, who is not going to be in any way particularly useful going forward, has of course picked up all the best traits for Martial, and already has Martial of 10 at flipping age 12. Great, just spectacular."
• Part 26 opens with Jon explaining that he's going to take "basic, boring Hellenism and make it into a proper established religion," with options like animism, ancestor worship, "or we can just like, y'know, build some pyramids, just for fun."
  • After about ten minutes of deliberation, Jon decides to make "a nice religion" to go with Poseidon's status as The Good King.
    Jon: His religion is going to be civilized, it is going to be stable, it is going to be... admittedly slightly annoying, because it's going to send people 'round to your house who would like to talk to you about Jupiter. So basically, yeah, I've just invented Jehovah's Witnesses, but for like, Zeus.
  • As the official Hellenic emperor, Poseidon picks up a Pontifical Scepter, which Jon decides is enough to justify the Choirosphaktes double-beard.
  • Hellenes also get their own version of the Lucifer's Own secret society, though theirs is Bacchus' Mystery, "which does sound a lot more fun than worshipping Satan, because there's a lot of boozing and sex."
  • Posiedon also gets to found the Stoic Intelligensia, and immediately jumps to the head of the group, becoming its Logoarch, "which would translate broadly to 'word-master,' which is a wonderful title, so I'm glad that's a thing."
  • Jon wouldn't mind founding the Myrmidons, Hellenism's answer to The Knights Templar'', except he can't because... "I control Alexandria, what are you talking about?"
    Jon: Oh, speaking of the cocking Knights Templar! They've got a stupid castle down over here [in Alexandria] that I never took, because I took all this off the Pope, so I never took that off them!
  • Jon wouldn't dream of breaking his truce with the Pope, even though he's sent a small army to Italy next to the Pope's last holding on the peninsula.
    Jon: But-but-but-but-but... if, y'know, just saying, in a crazy coincidence, some of my men got lost and then wandered into his territory, and then started setting everything on fire, because Raiding is now allowed. Normal Hellenism, not allowed, Reformed Hellenism, it's back! [...] These guys have basically no upkeep, and they're going to be able to basically tear down the Pope's territory. Oh, it's beautiful, it's just absolutely beautiful, and there's nothing the Pope can do about it!
  • "I say this, but I can't help but notice the Knights Templar are coming in. But they are marked as neutral, and the game's not saying a battle's about to occur. But I might be about to have my ass handed to me by a bunch of crusader wannabes coming in to sort me out. I mean, if that happens, I deserve it, fair enough."
    Jon: Nope, technically they're neutral. So the Knights Templar are going to literally march straight past a pagan army that is ransacking the only Papal territory in Italy. Good job, Catholicism!
  • At first Jon is deeply confused why the ruler of Croatia is able to attack Temes over ownership of Skull Mountain despite the Byzantine Empire expressly banning internal vassal wars. Then he realizes Croatia's using the same de jure law loophole he used way back in Part 9.
    Jon: Okay, it was cool when I did it, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to do it. Enjoy it while it lasts, because in 17 years you're going to be de jure part of the empire, and then you'll need to behave again!
  • "Also, whoever this guy is, I'm really glad he's converted, but let's not yell 'Praise Hades!' out loud too often, I feel like some people would get the wrong idea."
  • "Also, I only have one Ambition left to me, which is Seeing the Realm Prosper by staying at peace for five years. I'm going to be honest, that is not Plan A right now."
  • When Theseus turns 14, Poseidon is still only 44, which means trying to get the kid Ambitious is out because "I'm not willing to be blown up by my son, I'm not that old yet." When he comes of age two years later, Jon thinks the kid's stats aren't too shabby, though "he looks somewhat evil, I shan't deny."
  • Jon wraps up the episode pleased with the progress he's made, though he admits restoring the Roman Empire proper is going to be an uphill battle, since "for some reason Western Europe really doesn't want that to happen. Probably because, y'know, if I did I'd get de jure rights to all their flipping stuff."
• In Part 27, Jon continues his mission to spread Hellenism across the world, "though I'm going to be honest, the world might resist a little bit."
  • Jon's head priest converts another vassal personally, and ends the notification message with a "Praise ZeusPosdeidonHadesHeraDemetraAthenaAresHephaestusAphroditeApolloArtemisHestia!" Meanwhile in southern France, Despot Zeus of Greece continues to expand the empire through holy wars, becoming known as "The Sword of ZeusPosdeidonHadesHeraDemetraAthenaAresHephaestusAphroditeApolloArtemisHestia."
    Jon: In fact, yeah, just in terms of square kilometers, there might now be more Greece in southern France than there is in, y'know, Greece. And he's not done either, he's immediately jumped into another holy war, this time to take Aquitaine!
  • Jon wants to "punch Catholicism in the face" with a war into Italy, and is "like 80% confident" he can beat all the members of the defensive pact against him, but is stymied by not having access to a pagan Great Holy War yet. So he's stuck getting in a fiddly war for Papal Egypt, where he must not only endure another Catholic dogpile, but the distractions of daughters being born and random adventurers.
    Jon: ...Who the flip are you, and why are you actually attacking me? I don't know who you are, but you're being a dick, apparently.
  • After a slog, Jon gets most of the duchy of Alexandria, as well as an unfinished pyramid he can't do anything with.
    Jon: I can't actually resume work on the pyramid, because to build pyramids, I either need to be Egyptian, Coptic, utterly bananas, or have a religion that enjoys building pyramids, none of which are true. So I guess that means we're just going to have an uncompleted pyramid, in my empire. Like, maybe some form of Great Trapezium of Khufu, or whatnot.
  • Then Jon's baffled when the Pope is able to declare war on him again almost immediately, despite the traditional post-war ceasefire.
    Jon: Mate, I just kicked your ass and all of Europe, together. You're not gonna beat me singlehandedly.
  • After a brief fight in Egypt and over a thousand gold in reparations from the Pope, Jon sends some forces into central Italy to do more fund-raising.
    Jon: Okay, so, I'd say at this point we'd pretty much burnt down literally all of southern Romagna. Which is good! Which is really, really good. So right now, all of that is on fire, we're back up to 3,000 gold - okay, guys, you folks down in the comments, why didn't you tell me earlier that raiding was a good thing to do? Why am I only learning this now? C'mon, folks, you're letting me down!
  • Jon promptly invests the loot into hiring a weaponsmith to create something to rival the legendary Axe of Perun.
    Jon: Also, by the way, people in Romagna who are currently on fire - thank you so much for all of that money, with which I've been able to buy the world's best axe.
  • When it comes time to name the thing, Jon's given the choice between the Cleaver, the Ravager, or the Marauder.
    Jon: I'm going to be honest, I feel like Poseidon wouldn't go for any of those names. Like his name would be something like Tragically Necessary, something like that, but I guess Cleaver is the least overtly raider-y one. Even though I am aware that we do raid, but we don't really talk about it. Okay, Cleaver, to represent that fact that in better time, he would only need to use it in the kitchen.
  • A few minutes later, Jon discovers that he can rename it to whatever he wants, and so the axe becomes Tragedy, "because if I ever have reason to take it in my hands, that will be a tragedy, because that means diplomacy has failed. And on top of that, it'll be a tragedy for anybody stupid enough to stand in my way."
  • To wrap up the episode, Jon warns that things are about to get "messy" as his aspirations pit him against the entirety of Western Europe, and his Threat is getting to the point that he's prompting inter-faith defensive pacts.
    Jon: So I would say, we might have to, yeah, just basically say "Fine, if the world wants to kill me, I guess I'll just kill the world."
• Jon opens Part 28 by admitting that his plan to expand the empire hasn't worked out quite as he'd have liked, since "We managed to burn through maybe a third of our entire army and maybe two thousand gold just claiming yeah, a tiny bit of Egypt down here, and we don't even have 100% of that yet, and Threat is just going up so damned fast that at this point, if I were to keep attacking, yeah every one of the Islamic and Jewish factions would be in too. And that's just not gonna fly."
  • Jon's solution is to note that while all the Catholic powers have aligned against him, "they don't seem to have a problem with my vassals." So his plan is to send his retinues and personal levies on not-officially-a-war raids to weaken enemy territory for his vassals to seize in their own holy wars.
  • Another Perun comes of age as the Despot of Anatolia, and while his stats are good, he doesn't get along with Emperor Poseidon because he's the wrong kind of Hellene.
    Jon: Hilariously, he won't marry my own daughter, because he considers me an infidel. Because he believes in Jupiter, and I believe in Zeus.
  • Emperor Poseidon is pushing 60, but his 22-year-old son Theseus also has cancer, so Jon notes the imperial succession is going to come down to who kicks the bucket first. Less than five minutes later, Jon gets a death notification for Theseus in the middle of a raid on Amalfi.
    Jon: Okay, um, so that question was answered fairly quickly.
  • Jon has to spend a minute examining King Dubhglais II "the Fat" of Paraetonium, the 65-year-old ruler of "the crazy Irish kingdom" in western Egypt.
    Jon: ...which, I'll remind you, is led by a man who at this point in history is... In Hiding, Shrewd, Fat, Brawny, Excommunicated, Celibate, Slothful, Gluttonous, Shy, Lustful as well as being flipping Celibate, Zealous, Paranoid, Content, a Drunkard, Possessed by Satan, and currently Infirm. And despite all of that, he's got a flipping Martial of 22, and Diplomacy of 0. I love this guy, he is a hero of our times. In fact, Ireland has got so embarrassed by him, they've literally declared war on flipping bits of Egypt so they can go and smash the hell out of him, because they are just sick of his nonsense.
  • Jon gets a notification that Poseidon is no longer Paranoid, which he assumes means that Catholic conspiracy is no longer "leaving Bibles for me in my bedroom."
    Jon: Which is... not great for me, to be honest, I quite enjoyed being Paranoid. But I guess the extra Diplomacy doesn't hurt.
  • While leading the Byzantines to sack Venice and carry off all its treasures, Jon's surprised by a notification about his ward Eleonora's education, since as far as he knows he doesn't have any wards.
    Jon: Oh! That's um, that's the daughter of... Venice! Okay, um, I feel like - okay, so we've got the daughter of the King of Venice. Right! And now we're just educating her, and taking her to... the Agora. (sees how much Eleonora's stats have gone up) And also significantly improving her.
  • Jon is quite happy to get the puppy event, especially since none of the name options are "Lucifer."
  • While Jon would like to hand Alexandria over to Theseus' heir, he also likes how much money he's making from its port. Then he realizes that he doesn't need it that much.
    Jon: I mean, you know, when I say "Oh, I need to generate money," I feel like I've found a good way to generate money. It's by burning down Italy.
  • "Also, does anyone know why the new Pope is just, um, hanging out on Lesbos? Because that's... that's a bit weird. He's not raiding, because he can't, he's just standing there, taking Attrition."
  • Jon struggles to get Prince Polyphemos to pop out an heir due to both his first wife dying, and of course his Chaste and Homosexual traits.
    Jon: Okay, Polyphemos, I know you do not swing this way, but I really need you to produce, like, at least a couple of children. If you want to have a boyfriend on the side, that's okay, but we need a few children regardless.
  • After Emperor Poseidon suddenly dies of old age in the middle of another raiding campaign, Jon spends some time eulogizing the leader, introducing the new Emperor Polyphemos, and noting the spread of Hellenism. Less than a week later, there's a Catholic revolt.
    Jon: Not everyone's thrilled with the new stuff, by the way, can't deny that.
• At the start of Part 29, Jon admits that maybe the recently-deceased Emperor Poseidon did sort of burn down Italy, but counters that "I didn't start the fight, Venice did, when they attacked me in the Fourth Crusade, and that's why those bastards are currently on fire."
  • One episode after YouTube commentors were nervous about a boat full of Venetian plunder sitting in the Gulf of Venice, Jon finally brings it in to port for a heap of gold and Prestige.
    Jon: Does... does anybody know... Um, okay, I think this fleet might have been raiding. I didn't realize it was raiding. Can my fleets raid?
  • "And also, yes, I'm continuing to do a deliberately terrible job of educating the children of the King of Venice. Because it entertains me."
  • Emperor Polyphemos consults the stars, and confirms that it is the start of a glorious Byzantine golden age!
    Jon: I swear this is like the third golden age we've had in two decades, but I'm not going to say no to revolts down, morale up, giant pile of tax.
  • After some disappointing attempts at looting in northwestern Italy, Jon falls back upon a more reliable method of fund-raising.
    Jon: Yes, Venice! Because who'd have flipping thought it, Venice has decided to put out all of the fires. So basically, screw you, you stupid losers. So we'll just get in over here, take out the garrison, and then we'll just burn Venice down. Again. Because you should not have done the Fourth Crusade, you stupid bastards.
  • "Once again, more children that I've stolen are coming of age in my prison. I should really sell them at some point..."
  • Empress Antipatra keeps getting pregnant while Polyphemos is out hunting down reagents or going on scholarly expeditions with his buddies in the Hermetic Society, but Jon couldn't care less since she keeps giving him sons. Though he does eventually realize something.
    Jon: Oh my goodness. Okay, I'm not into my wife, I'm into other guys, and I keep going on shopping trips and long trips in the countryside with the King of Bulgaria. I see, right, okay!
  • Zeta gets the "Prospering" event again, and even though it will cost 1200 gold, Jon can't resist choosing the "Glorious Monument" response.
    Jon: I'm going to be honest, I like the idea of a giant flipping statue of me. Like, [0.5 a month] is a pathetic amount of Prestige, but no, I'm doing it! I'm doing it! Okay, I know we're actually kind of bankrupt right now, uh, send the loot back home...
  • Jon gets an event where Emperor Polyphemos discovers his wife's affair, and while he's happy to let it continue, he doesn't want to choose the "Focus on more important matters" response for the 20% chance of picking up the "Depressed" trait. So he confronts Antipatra, she openly admits her infidelity with a smirk, Jon once again chooses the result that won't make Polyphemos depressed, and the whole debacle ends with the affair made public, Antipatra divorced and in a dungeon, and her paramour executed.
    Jon: Look, I didn't care about the actual affair, but you smirking about it, unacceptable! Into the dungeon you go! ...Okay I'm getting through wives a bit quickly here, I'm gonna be honest. So... maybe I should, y'know, pick the next one carefully. Well there was that Genius, Russian Lesbian...
  • After a normal episode's worth of raiding and empire management, Jon's elated to receive notification that pagan Great Holy Wars are finally enabled. But before he can declare one, the Pope calls a crusade against Serbia, making Jon wonder whether he should strike pre-emptively against Catholicism. Except months later, only one person has signed onto the crusade, and it's the Countess of Bononia.
    Jon: Hang on, that is... that's you! You work for me! Excuse-the-flip me, you're not even Catholic, you're the wrong sort of Catholic! Okay, can we like put her in prison? Because I really feel like we ought to be able to put her in prison.
  • "So yeah, right now she's joined up, and that's uh, that's it, no one else has joined up. As for my side [defending against the Crusade], literally everybody. So my side is 7,500% stronger than the Pope's. I feel like the Pope might just be forced to abandon this crusade, becuase nobody dares attack Serbia. And that's just beautiful."
  • So Jon decides if the Catholics want a crusade, he'll give them a crusade.
    Jon: Council's on board, the loyalists and glory hounds want this to happen. Couple of pragmatists just sitting there going "Guys, what the bloody hell? Do we seriously want to be taking on all of Europe at the same time, again?" And the answer is yes, yes we do.
  • The instant Jon formally declares the Great Holy War, he's incredulous that he's already at +14% Warscore.
  • Jon has so many vassals jumping aboard the Great Holy Bandwagon that he wishes there was an "auto-join button."
    Jon: It's going to be great, it's going to be great fun, but you don't all need to ask me permission. Just, just jump in, the water's lovely. Mainly because it's blood.
  • Jon's happy when Polyphemos builds a proper laboratory for his studies in the Hermetic Society, even moreso when he learns he can build one on a secluded island.
    Jon: Yes! Yes, Secret Doom Science Island!
  • A year and a half after its announcement, the planned Crusade for Serbia picks up a second participant, Duke Dungalach the Merry of southern Ireland.
    Jon: So basically - oh we've got the Count of Mumu! We've got the Count of Mumu and (cracks up) Whatsherface next door! That's it! That's the Crusade!
  • Even though Jon takes big bites out of Italy and beats down all of Catholicism, the Pope is officially neutral in the Great Holy War because he's too busy dealing with a revolt in Papal Egypt, which eventually spreads to the Pope's last remaining county on the Italian peninsula.
    Jon: So right now, Harun the Mad of the Papal Revolt has seized this territory, over here. Just that, though, but as a result of that, the Pope was too busy to deal with it. So yes, an Egyptian Pope is now squatting in the middle of Italy, while the Pope himself is just chilling out in Egypt, though he himself is French. So that's, that's a thing.
  • Polyphemos' nephew Anthemios comes out of nowhere to be the leading contendor for the imperial succession, but his stats are good enough that Jon tries to get him set up for the throne if neither of the current emperor's "children" are up to it. Princess Parthena looks to be a good marriage candidate, except she's his aunt, and "probably best we don't do that, on balance." The problem is, out of all the bachlorettes in the empire, including two characters Jon spent 300 gold inventing with the "Invite Debutante" button, Anthemios only has eyes for Parthena.
    Jon: He's literally too fussy to marry anybody because of the Prestige effects. He literally wants to marry his own aunt because... to be honest, she's his age. (slightly strained) Alright, I'm not going to stand in the way of this any longer. If he is determined to marry his own aunt, than he shall marry his aunt. I hope you're very happy together, you bloody weirdos.
  • By the end of the episode, the Crusade for Serbia is quietly canceled, which combined with losing the Great Hellenic Holy War means that Catholicism's Moral Authority rating is a whopping 0.0.
    Jon: Oh, that's... that's beautiful. That's just the most beautiful thing. At this exact moment in time, Catholic Heresy has greater Moral Authority than Catholicism does!
• In Part 30, Jon decides to try spreading Hellenism directly through his court seer, and ships her over to Estonia in the middle of a war. She's thrown in a dungeon almost immediately, but he soon hires a replacement and plans a mission to Moldavia.
  Jon: If you get yourself thrown in prison, honestly that's fine, I've got plenty of other people I can appoint.
  • Less than seven minutes into the episode, Jon decides "Venice is completely due for another round of being set on fire."
  • The Abbasids declare war on Jon over the duchy of Gilian, part of Bulgaria's expansion toward Persia, and since Jon wants to focus on raiding Catholic Europe again, he surrenders the territory.
    Jon: Right, there we flipping go, we have peace, congratulations. That means it's looting time!
  • When looting Venice, again, Jon finds a Finger of St. John. Again.
    Jon: I swear I've had like three of those over the course of this game. I'm beginning to doubt they're real.
  • "Hippolytus sort of hates me, so... I may as well, you know, put him in the front lines and see what happens.
  • Anthemios unexpectedly dies from his war wounds, so Polyphemos' nephew Poseidon becomes the next heir. Jon supposes his stats are alright, "though I'm not convinced by that mustache, to be honest."
  • "In this game, so many people have been concerned about the eating habits of emperors, it's very peculiar."
  • Jon has Polyphemos consult the stars again, only to learn that "we're going into a nightmare dark age."
    Jon: It's kind of my duty to tell everyone about that, but, I can PR this a little bit, alright? We'll work on the messaging, we'll kind of, you know, not use the term "dark age" in any of the literature, so that's absolutely fine...
  • Basilissa Tatyana becomes pregnant, which Jon finds "mildly surprising under the circumstance," and then he learns that it's going to be another Child of Destiny.
    Jon: Now admittedly, the last person we heard that about was Eris, who ran away to Venice and triggered the Fourth Crusade that was, you know, one of the most dangerous fights we ever had. But, still... maybe this time that won't happen!
  • True to Polyphemos' predictions, word arrives of a plague in the Far East.
    Jon: I feel like the PR's gonna not do the job anymore, once people realize the plague just showed up. How bad is it - it's the Black Death.
  • To make matters worse, Jon receives word that an adventurer and his host has showed up.
    Jon: Who are you, and where are you? Where are all these what the cock?! ...Okay, um, he just showed up with fifty-nine thousand troops. That was more than I was expecting, I'm gonna be - okay, guys, we're gonna have to call off the raiding of Italy, for the time being, I know we were all having fun, and that was great! It was really good fun! Uh, it's time for you guys to fall back and stand the flip down - okay, maybe one more city. Like, one more city...
  • As if Baghatur's Host isn't bad enough, Jon takes additional losses from his allies following his doomstack around, so that it suffers attrition damage from too many soldiers in the province.
    Jon: Stop walking past me you dicks! Why do you have to make this more difficult than it needs to be? Get down over here! Bloody hell... I thought this through! It's my bloody vassals who are screwing this up for me!
  • Jon gets excited when an event fires that might make King Tomislav of Bulgaria Emperor Polyphemos' actual boyfriend, is disappointed when Tomislav doesn't reciprocate, but is happy to keep him as a close friend.
  • After some vicious fighting against Baghatur's Host in the Armenian highlands, Jon's shocked when he's suddenly no longer at war, then doubly so when he learns why.
    Jon: He's died of Black Death! Yes! The Black Death has saved us! Which is probably the only good thing it's gonna do, actually.
  • "Okay, so, over the course of that war, I managed to lose 10,000 of my personal troops, and also - wow. Okay, about 25,000 odd troops from my vassals. And my retinues have just been trashed. [...] Also, you know what now would be a good time for? Now would be a good time for, you know, some extra medicine and whatnot. Yes, disease resistance! I doubt it's going to do that much, but it's gotta be worth something..."
  • "Normally I enjoy playing Crusader Kings II, because it's a beautiful form of escapism from real life. But today, no, today we're involved in long, drawn-out, destructive wars in the Middle East that end inconclusively, and then we all die from plague. So, uh, yeah, sometimes things get a bit, uh, a bit too real. But I know what's going to make me feel better about all this - we're going to burn Venice down. Burning Venice down always makes me feel good."
  • When sacking Venice yet again, Jon finds a Crown of Lillies.
    Jon: Well that's just lovely, we missed that the last time we came through.
  • "Okay, the economy is... just about holding together, for now. We're gonna prop up the economy by stealing Venice's, that's literally my plan right now. We're gonna rob north Italy to keep the economy going, because i suspect my tax revenues are going to start collapsing, very very soon indeed."
  • To wrap up the episode, Jon takes a moment to express his relief that he's spread House Choirosphaktes across his empire, so he'll have plenty of characters to play as in a worst-case scenario.
    Jon: There are still members of my dynasty sort of floating around... (examines family tree) Some of them, anyway. Okay, these are all dead ends, but I swear, I have actually been making a bit of - oh, they're all dead too. Okay, "died of cancer," uh, "died of the plague," "died of the plague," "died clutching his heart..." You're still alive, for now - okay, this is- (cracks up) Um, we might have a problem, actually. We've actually got 36 living members in my dynasty, and we lost 10% of them in the past week, and there's not... there's not much floating around, actually, there's a lot of dead people in this dynasty, a lot of dead ends - here's one! (opens Flamen Carlo of Teramo's character sheet) Look, I've found somebody! This guy shall be emperor! It's gonna be fine, he's got good Diplomacy and everything! Oh hang on, he's a priest so he's not eligible. Okay, so he physically can't be emperor. Right, scratch another off the list, good good...
• Part 31 gets a black, skull background since the Black Death is in the Byzantine capital and "now we are all going to die."
  Jon: As a reminder, my entire dynasty has only 36 living members. Which is really not that many, alright, really not that many at all.
  • Jon's plan is simple: quarantine the imperial palace, use the Myrmidons if needed to make up for his depleted armies, and "basically keep ransacking Venice, alright, we're gonna keep the economy going, if need be, by ransacking the flip out of Venice."
  • Naturally, after declaring that he'll eject anyone showing plague symptoms from the palace to keep Prince Apollo safe, Apollo himself gets infected.
    Jon: Okay, well, I've got other children. It's fine, ther are other children, if need be I can make more, can't help but notice that we've completely run out of money that's, that's a thing. Sorry, um, if you survive, we will welcome you back with open arms. But to be honest you're not looking like you were precisely going in the right direction - "Timid," "Affectionate," "Idolizer," no no no no no...
  • "Someone else just died in the dungeons - oh yeah, we've got a fair few people in the dungeons right now. Okay, how would you guys like to go home, because you've been in here for a while."
  • Despite being ejected from seclusion due to showing plague symptoms, Empress Tatyana is able and willing to serve as Spymaster, and "she is very well placed to be spying on the empire, given how she's, y'know, not trapped inside in a safe castle with the rest of us."
  • In the midst of the plague outbreak, Jon notes that despite his efforts spreading Hellenism among the ruling class, there's still remnants of the empire's previous faith.
    Jon: The king level, that's been pretty well locked-down, but under the surface... yeah, some of the old ways, like - not the proper old ways like I do, like the medium old ways. The bad stuff, the Christianity stuff. It's still there. We need to find a way to start, ah, rooting that out.
  • Bad news is, the previous leader of the Hermetic Society dies of the plague. Good news is, this means Polyphemos becomes leader by default!
  • "Also, you know how I just mentioned 'Good news, people have stopped dying!' Okay, so four more are dead. 27 people in the dynasty, that's literally all we've got left."
  • Jon decides to change his vote and endorse Doux Hippolytus as the next emperor, since he has better stats than Poseidon II of Antioch, including the Ambitious trait thanks to Jon choosing the "Struggle" childhood focus for him.
    Jon: Now admittedly, I can see the disadvantage of voting and thereby ensuring this guy becomes emperor, when the guy in question hates me so, yeah, he already wanted to kill me, now if he does kill me he gets to become emperor - yeah, I can see how that's not gonna work out well for me. But... he's not terrible!
  • An event fires where the peasantry start blaming the Black Death on dark cultists.
    Jon: Oh great, so just because we switched to worshipping Zeus, and immediately afterward there was a terrifying plague where everybody died, some people are putting two and two together and now saying that we shouldn't be worshipping Zeus. No no no no no, definitely not the fault of Zeus, go and investigate what's going on with these warlocks and witches. Because they sound pretty badass, and if they're as badass as they sound, we'll like bring them into the religion officially.
  • The witch hunts escalate until an event declares that it's judgement day for the worshippers of HadesKronosDionysusHermesTyphon...
    Jon: ...despite the fact that we worship quite a few of those guys in temples that I myself dedicated. [...] Let's get rid of some peasant unrest, so just burn everyone to death, please. I mean, the nice thing is, we didn't even need to light a special pyre, there's pyres all over the place already, we can just toss 'em on one of the existing ones.
  • "Okay, this game is just getting too damned real given the current real-life circumstances. My child is now just coming up to me, begging to be allowed to go outside. Look, as soon as the plague is past, we'll open the damned gates!"
  • To celebrate the plague's passing, Jon hosts an intellectual gathering, chooses an economic rather than military focus for the brainstorming session, and picks the high-risk, high-reward option.
    Jon: Let's push this to the limit, alright? I want dangerously extreme levels of prosperity! The sort of prosperity where everyone gets rich, and then it all blows up in our faces and we all die! Basically, let's invent the stock market in the 11th Century.
  • He's underwhelmed when the society's grand invention turns out to be coming up with the compass in 1078, about 112 years earlier than it historically entered use in Europe and the Middle East. At least it becomes an item in his treasury.
    Jon: It can only be used if you've got Learning of 20. Which is going to suggest that a Learning of 20 might not be as supernaturally-intelligent as I thought, since compasses are really not that hard to use.
  • "Okay, I may have been a little bit ahead of the curve opening the gates and declaring victory, because people are still dying. The Queen of Georgia just flipping died."
    YouTube comment: Did Jon seriously lift the lockdown too early, leading to a second peak in deaths? JON WE KNOW BETTER THAN THIS!
  • Jon has some mild concern after looting Venice, "as usual, we do it every two years or so," and getting the glowing purple "+2 Axe," which is actually inferior to Tragedy.
  • After years of waiting, Prince Hermes comes of age and Jon gets to look at the young adult's stats, and portrait.
    Jon: Alright kid, let's see oh NO what have you done?! No! No no no no! No okay, those are quite good stats, but I was just distracted by... the rest of it. Oh, Hermes, who told you that was a good look? Because they were lying.
  • So the imperial secession comes down to a choice between Princess Parthena, whose stats aren't great, Polyphemos' "ex-boyfriend" King Tomislav of Bulgaria, who isn't part of his dynasty, Poseidon II, who has okay stats but is "dumb as a box of hammers," Hippolytus, who has poor Diplomacy "but better facial hair arrangement, very important," and Hermes, Polyphemos' "disappointing-faced son."
  • Once again, Polyphemos reads premonitions of doom in the stars.
    Jon: Yeah, sudden darkness, two-headed children, storms of fire, rivers dry up, crops bleed, clouds of blasphemous vermin, diddly-diddly-dee. Okay, we're just gonna reinterpret that into a positive way, alright? We're just gonna spin the apocalypse positively! And people are gonna accept that, because compared to the Black Death, even the apocalypse seems good!
    YouTube comment: Just imagining people hearing screaming from Polyphemos' room. Concerned, one of the guards inquires with the staff. One of the servants obliges, explaining that the Emperor is just scrying the future again.
  • Still, at the end of the episode, the Black Death has moved on, and House Choirosphaktes has survived.
    Jon: I mean, when I say "we," like, you know, some of us. Like, two-thirds of us, give or take. Slightly under two-thirds. But still, that's... it's better than nothing!
• Jon opens Part 32 by describing how the Black Death was actually pretty harmless.
  Jon: Admittedly, it trashed the economy and killed probably millions of people. But, it didn't kill the important ones. Aside from, you know, the ones it did.
  • Jon decides Polyphemos has earned the Choirosphaktes Double Beard for leading the empire through such a harrowing period. And also because the heir apparent is the "blatantly evil" Prince Hermes.
    Jon: Not by his traits, by his traits he's a nice guy. But, y'know, he looks evil - he has a terrible beard, a terrible mustache, he has a terrible haircut too but fortunately, we've made him a count, so the hat kind of covers that up a bit.
  • Jon tries to take advantage of an Abbasid revolt and take Jerusalem, and so raises his troops, loads them on ships, makes a sacrifice to the gods to ensure morale bonuses... and all of three minutes later, the war is canceled because the rebel leader was caught and executed.
    Jon: Also, apparently that happened a month-and-a-half ago, and I just sort of missed it.
  • Polyphemos randomly loses the Chaste trait because "I can't resist him," making Jon speculate that the emperor is still pining for the King of Bulgaria.
  • The new King of Croatia is powerful enough to demand a spot on the council, but so hopelessly inbred that his stats are "Oh dear."
    Jon: Yeah, you can be an "advisor." Alright, we're gonna put you in the special advising chair, in the corner, in a completely different room from the rest of the council. [...] Two days into his reign, he's just managed to trigger a war against himself. Well done, just well done all around, this guy is going to be spectacular.
  • Sadly, Emperor Polyphemos passes on relatively young, and Hermes takes over. And as soon as Jon handles Polyphemos' funeral and Hermes' inherited titles, it's off to the barber to do something about The Mustache.
    Jon: I'm gonna be honest, I've gone through all of them and he still looks pretty bloody evil. But at least here he doesn't look quite as evil, so I guess it'll do.
  • "Also, does anyone know why the Arabian Empire appears to have large parts of Thessalia under siege? Guys, what the flip is going on here? Oh, I see, you attacked some idiots over here trying to expand into Spain and accidentally triggered a war against the entirety of Islam. Just, well done all around!"
  • "And here we go, Temple Dedication, let's get that done, that's important, because I need Fertility! So... hang on, where's the sex temple?"
  • The deciding factor for whether Hermes is going to cheat on his wife is that she's named Antipatra, "and the last time we married an Antipatra, it did not work out."
  • "Okay, money's getting a bit on the low side, so I think we know what's next. It's time to go and take out Venice again, because those guys have actually recovered! Well, a little bit, anyway."
  • Another notification about a ward's education reminds Jon to clear out the dungeon, "because apparently I'm just going around educating a whole bunch of children."
  • After a laughably brief war, Venice is put out of Jon's misery and handed over to Ragusa, who decides to rebrand itself and take the name of the serene republic.
    Jon: So yeah, we've now got ourselves a beautiful, Hellenic, Dalmatian Venice! Absolutely spot on. Sorry about the fires, I'm sure the fires will go out soon, there is a lot of water in Venice as I understand it.
  • "Ah yes, another temple, another 10% Fertility. Yeah, Zeus and Aphrodite on top of each other, now that, that creates some good Fertility right there!"
  • "Oh and how cute, the Pope's trying to declare a Crusade on us again! Well, all my lads have already jumped on, I'm guessing none of you are gonna flipping dare."
  • After having some PTSD from his time as a frontline commander, Hermes consults the ancient Greek legends for guidance, and with his Seeress' guidance concludes that "The wisdom of Zeus is infinite and indisputable."
    Jon: ...I wouldn't precisely say that's how I'd interpret Zeus' actions in most of the Greek myths, but okay.
  • "Oh, but precisely what I wanted has happened - well, kind of, anyway. Actually, no, the exact opposite, I've got rid of Wroth but I've still got the Stressed. Well I guess that's kind of good, it is like, y'know, a bad thing supposedly. So yes, I could do with the Stressed being sorted out. Would someone like to buy me a puppy? That's a good way of getting rid of some stress."
  • That weird Irish splinter kingdom in Egypt changes to a different culture, but then the English and Irish armies invade to take part in a holy war involving Mumu.
    Jon: And I don't understand what the hell's going on here.
  • The good news is, by the end of the episode, Jon's acquisition of Genoa and Venice means that he has all the European territories he needs to formally recreate the Roman Empire. The bad news is, Jerusalem and Carthage are in the hands of the Abbasids and Idrisids respectively, "and that's gonna mean a very big confrontation against the Islamic world. Because they're not gonna be thrilled by that, not in the flipping slightest."
• Jon opens Part 33 by noting the good progress Emperor Hermes has made toward reclaiming the key cities of the Roman Empire, "by which I mean, y'know, mainly his vassals did for him. But, at the end of the day, progress is progress."
  • To soften up Idrisids before a future North African campaign, Jon decides to do some strategic raiding, because "What can be more Roman, as we build up toward reforming the Roman Empire, than heading over to Carthage and burning it to the cocking ground?"
    Jon: Ah, look at that, Carthage in flames. Doesn't that just make your heart sing?
  • As a bonus, Jon's raid coincides with an Idrisid revolt, so he can deplete their manpower as they try to deal with their internal problems.
    Jon: I'm not really a hundred percent sure who I'm beating up, by the way. But we're just beating up anybody who looks at us funny, at the minute. So that's all absolutely fine. Yeah, screw you, whoever you are, precisely! You can just naff off out of presumably your own country!
  • Jon's Threat is still going up despite him not declaring a formal war on anybody.
    Jon: I'm not doing anything, but what your vassals do does slightly lead up to you. So, because Greece is basically going on a massive murder rampage, eating basically all of the cocking Mediterranean coast, yeah, that reflects badly on me for some reason.
  • Jon gets confused when he notices a crusade in progress without any prior notification, and to his surprise finds that the target is Burgundy, which has embraced the Lollard heresy.
    Jon: I mean, I see where you're coming from, there's definitely no problem that Catholicism should be dealing with right now more important than someone believing in slightly the wrong flavor of Catholicism.
  • When Prince Apollonios comes of age, Jon's priorities are "How has his education turned out, and more importantly, how's his beard?" Then, when he arranges his marriage to a Bulgarian princess, Jon decides that even though Polyphemos never got with his boyfriend the King of Bulgaria, at least his grandson will get with that king's daughter.
  • For some reason, Emperor Hermes' epithet is "Bloodaxe."
    Jon: We should really stop calling him that. It's not his thing! I'll admit, he's got a good axe, but he's never bloody used it, it's just for show!
  • When Hermes joins the Stoics, Jon notes that the empire is embracing its Roman heritage - "We're putting on togas, we're burning down Carthage..."
  • Greece ends up eating so much of France that Jon's able to create the Kingdom of Aquitaine, which he gives to the Zeus branch of the dynasty, in order to curb some of the Kingdom of Greece's power.
    Jon: Still, this is all positive. Aquitaine should have far fewer troops available, yeah, like 5000. Enough to defend itself, not enough to go on stupid military adventures, which works for me.
  • "And my wife just keeps getting pregnant! And actually, I haven't had a single alert saying 'Oh, that can't be right, this can't be mine!' It's possible that just for once my children are actually, genuinely my own."
  • Just when Jon thinks he's got a good successor picked out, Apollonios decides to drop dead of a heart attack at the age of 20, which means Jon's hopes shift to his second son Hermonius.
    Jon: Please, just for once, I'd like a good, Martial education - okay, I've Groomed an Heir, yes. Okay, and... he's got no beard at all. That's a concern, a lack of beard is never a good sign...
  • When the Abbasids suffer a revolt, Jon decides to take the opportunity to grab Jerusalem in a Holy War. Then he notices that if he declares a Great Holy War, he could get a whole lot more...
    Jon: I'm going to be honest, I wasn't originally planning to y'know, take literally the entire eastern coast of the Mediterranean, but... now I know it's an option... Oh, this is gonna generate so much needless Threat, but obviously we're not not doing it. After all, all these cocking years of having to look at the bloody Abbasids just squatting on my bits of Asia Minor, it's time for some revenge, alright? You can keep this tiny little squiggly bit [in Anatolia], okay? I'm going to take literally the entire coast off you!
  • Jon's also able to have the Myrmidons take part, and while he notes that "I can't prove these guys are showing up in hoplite armor and forming a massive phalanx with a couple of like skirmishers to support them, but you can't prove otherwise, either!"
  • The kicker is that after what might be his biggest war yet, Jon still doesn't fully control Jerusalem, because the Kingdom of Romagna owns a single barony in Jerusalem itself, so once again Jon has to hand the new territory over to a son and hope that he gets around to fully-occupying it. Ten minutes later:
    Jon: The good news is, they've successfully knocked out that one bit of territory and the war's now going in their favor. The bad news is, [Hermonius] is now called... 'the Frog.' Which is... harsh, really, I'm not a hundred percent sure why he's called the Frog. He... smells again, and is fairly broad, and stubborn, but he's nice. He's a nice guy, don't be a dick.
  • Near the end of the episode, Jon divies up his empire into neat viceroyalities and makes the mistake of declaring "Things are starting to make sense here." Three minutes later, he notices a massive addition to his empire.
    Jon: Also, hang on, I think I, I think I've missed a cocking memo here! Okay, um, okay... France is... gone. Because Bulgaria ate it! Because of course Bulgaria ate it! Why wouldn't Bulgaria just eat France?! It's not like they own enough territory that makes no cocking sense! Like this, and all of this, up here [in eastern Europe], and cocking a tiny bit of Iraq, and this over here, in Georgia, yeah, of course! Of course Bulgaria needs more territory! Why wouldn't they need more bloody hell, how did you even do this?! ...Okay, apparently he didn't actually conquer it. He inherited it. At the end of last year. That's why there was no announcement about him winning a war, he didn't win a war. He's just... the legitimate King of France. Somehow. Y'know what, I'm not gonna even try to figure this out. Bulgaria plays by its own rules.
  • As if that's not bad enough, the King of Bulgaria immediately makes France his primary title.
    Jon: So this is... this is now France. Byzantine France. With the Iraqi holding, that it has, together with this bit of Georgia, that's France! Say hello to New France, it looks great, thanks, well done everybody! Yep, good old Hellenic, Russian France (cracks up) What the hell is happening?! How has this happened?!
  • As if that's not weird enough, Jon gets the option to "discover" that his character is descended from Alexander the Great.
    Jon: Okay, so we're just gonna pretend that Alexander's secret Bactrian son just fled to Serbia, at some point. Because, y'know, the fact that it makes so little sense is why the story makes so much sense, it's the last place anyone would look!
  • Jon decides to give his scholars everything they need, which ends up bankrupting the empire.
    Jon: Okay, we don't actually have that much money, but... we can make money. It's not too difficult to come by. We can just go and - no, we can't burn down Venice, I own Venice. Well that's annoying.
  • So once again, Jon sends his armies looting his neighbors' territory.
    Jon: Uh, yes, you guys just toggle Loot, and just go and burn Lyon, that's all absolutely A-OK - Romagna! Everybody loves burning Romagna! Right, you guys need to go and burn down Romagna now... [...] Georgia, would you like to go and burn down Crimea? Basically, anybody who's got a border with anything burnable, please start burning.
  • "Although, just out of interest... England only has like 13,000 troops." (beat) "Okay guys, over to English holdings in Brittany, please. Thank you. I mean, I can see myself getting into burning down England as a new hobby to replace Venice, that's entirely feasible."
  • "And obviously the Hellenic Russian King of France has decided 'That's not enough, we're taking flipping Burgundy too.' Right, so..." (cracks up) "Basically, ladies and gentlemen, nothing makes sense anymore, all of history has gone out the window..."
• For the Grand Finale, Jon can only summarize the previous episode as "I'm gonna be honest, I've no bloody clue."
  • During the build-up for the invasion of Carthage, Jon kills time and raises money by raiding his neighbors, and has to ask "Why are we not just ransacking the Pope? Like, all the time? Please get on with ransacking the Pope, there's nothing he can actually do about it."
    Jon: Ooh, hang on, the Pope just actually... raised his army. And, because it had better morale than me, it actually just - oh - it just won. This is fine, everything's under control, we're going to go beat up the Pope's army and then we are going to ransack his city, it's going to be fine. Raise some reinforcements to assist with that, please.
  • "Okay, bigger army of ten thousand men, let's try burning down the Pope's house again. This time with full morale, so he can't raise his troops."
    Jon: Um, guys? Can't help but notice, you're not currently burning down the Pope. Is there a reason you're not burning down the Pope, because you're supposed to be - okay, for some reason they don't want to burn down the Pope. [...] Okay, fine, you get saved on this occasion, your Popeyness, by some form of bug. I hope you're very happy.
  • Emperor Hermes' wife dies of "natural causes" in her forties, then his second son Harmonius dies under suspicious circumstances at 23.
    Jon: I don't know whether ten-year-old children can start murder plots, but I'm very bloody suspicious of you, Orpheus.
  • When Jon finally earns the Immortal Blood of Alexander bloodline, he has to point out that the bonus it grants to Personal Combat Skill is exactly the same as his other bloodline's.
    Jon: It is now canon that Perun was as good a warrior as Alexander the Great himself, which is amazing!
  • The first thing that happens when Hermes remarries is his new wife asking about the affair he's been carrying on, "because it produced a daughter, that I publically denounced."
    Jon: Okay, yeah, can understand why that'd be a problem. But I'm gonna be honest, I need to hedge my bets. Yeah, I'm just gonna lie to her and we'll see if she's gonna accept that.
  • In the meantime, Jon tries to build up support for his diplomat daughter Artemisia, but the lead keeps going to his commanders, forcing him to remove them and reshuffle the ballot.
    Jon: Okay, everybody vote again. Everybody just vote again, and keep voting until you vote the way I want you to vote.
  • Jon supports one of his vassal's invasion of Burgundy with another "raid."
    Jon: Okay, this fight should go fine, I've got the numbers advantage, the commander advantage, and the terrain advantage. So Burgundy should be in a lot of trouble - ooh, they brought in reinforcements. (beat) Okay, nevermind, that's fine, we did a lot of good work in Burgundy, it's A-OK, we stole a lot of money from Lyon when we burned it to the ground, probably best we started wrapping all of this up.
  • "Okay, I've got no bloody clue who the next emperor is. Alright, it's somebody, somebody related to me, that's literally all I know."
  • "Okay, I'm about to knacker the economy, but that's absolutely A-OK. The reason that's A-OK is because we just stole 6,000 gold from other people, who were too stupid to defend it from me."
  • Jon's Threat is so high that if he invaded someone, not only would Christians and Muslims ally against him, but so would pagans.
    Jon: Who's even in the pagan world? Does that even matter? (checks map) Oh no, not Devon. Please stay away from me Devon, noooo, please, stop. Admittedly - hang on. Devon? That means... oh no, independent North Devon? Unacceptable! They've stolen half of Cornwall!
  • Hermes hits 50, giving him the choice between going on a diet, intensifying his warrior training to stay in shape, or settling for becoming a Jovial Patriarch, potentially becoming Fat but gaining a bonus to Fertility and general Opinion. Since Jon wants more kids, he goes for the Fertility boost.
    Jon: My wife has immediately stepped in to say "Oh no you flipping don't," marvelous. Okay, so if I go on a hard diet, that's going to - oh, it's immediately going to get rid of Jovial Patriach. (beat) I'm going to be honest, no, alright? I'm enjoying eating all the biscuits. Okay, I've now eaten a sufficiently lrage number of biscuits that there's a lot of me to love, and everybody is fond of the new me. Admittedly my wife just tried to stage an intervention, but let's just overlook that, apparently my relatives like me. Because of the biscuit-eating.
  • "Also, following the birth of our latest daughter, my wife is apparently overeating. Honestly, I cannot judge. Seriously, I just made the conscious decision to become Captain Biscuit."
  • When Hermes' third son Dionysios comes of age, Jon says "It's not the worst beard at the bare minimum..." Then he examines the kid's stats and traits.
    Jon: Okay... I mean... He's not terrible. There have been worse people in the world. Not many, but there have been, presumably. Somewhere.
  • At that point, Princess Aphroditia actually has the best statline of Hermes' children, and looks to be an upcoming military prodigy.
    Jon: Okay, hang on, to the laws, we need to make women legal, or whatever.
  • Jon catches his wife plotting against some random guy, and Jon normally wouldn't care, but "desperate times, desperate measures." So he throws her in prison, realizes he didn't need to do that and could've just paid her for a divorce, then sees the "Declaim Poetry" option, and so impulsively subjects her to awful prose. Then he gets on with the task of finding a new Master Seductress wife to marry who will cheat on him and produce children while he plays dumb.
  • During that search, Jon spots another fascinating character, Magistros Stojan of Calabria
    Jon: ...who is Stressed, drunk, One-Eyed, a Master Seducer, who is Lustful, but also Ugly, and a Dwarf. We should have been following this guy, because this guy has got the best story in the entire bloody game right now, he's amazing, I love him. In fact, I can invite him to court, 'cause literally there is a position, Court Dwarf. Come to my court, my good man, welcome aboard!
  • 45 minutes into the episode, it's time to prepare for the endgame with a "pre-vasion" raid on Idrisid Tunisia.
    Jon: I'm going to be honest, we just sent the ships out, while actually sort of... forgetting to load one of them. That is a thing we just did, yes, I'm not going to deny that. Okay, deploy the forces we did bring regardless, we can begin dealing with this nonsense...
  • Hermes' grandson Orpheus comes of age, and is completely bare-headed.
    Jon: Now, I can't help but be, y'know, disappointed in his beard, and lack thereof, and all associated hair, but, like the great Julianus Vatinius before him, he is a bold man who might in theory be a good fighter. [...] He is apparently Groomed as well, right, so he is a sexy bastard, got it. In fact, the Queen of Anatolia is willing to marry him right now, but no, she's is 44, that would be a bad idea. And... I could also marry him to Artemisia. Who is... his aunt, I'm pretty sure. So let's not do that either.
  • Princess Aphroditia comes of age with an amazing Martial statline, so Jon does what he can to put her in the lead succession-wise. The next step will be giving her an opening, so to speak.
    Jon: We need to make this thing happen, and that means, okay, Hermes "Bloodaxe?" You're going on the front line. I know you've put on a few pounds recently, from all the biscuits, but you are, you are going on the front line.
  • With the raid complete, the only thing stopping Jon from his formal invasion of Carthage is his Threat level, which is currently so high that pagans would jump on him. And then he remembers you can make it go down by granting independence to regions, such as, say, Kurdistan.
    Jon: That gets me pretty much bang-on the Threat that I need to get rid of, and it cleans up some bordergore! I mean, just look at that, look at them right now, they're just hanging off the bottom of the empire, it's horrible!
  • Jon tries to bang out one last child with his third wife, only for her to immediately get food poisoning and a penalty to Fertility.
    Jon: Okay, do not divorce her just because she's ill, it's fine, everything's under control.
  • Just when Jon's about to declare war, one of his vassals decides to do more expansion.
    Jon: Okay, now is not the time to declare war on the Jewish superstates up north, but... actually, if you want to keep them busy - no, this is exactly the time to do that! Yes, go, go, have fun, attack the Jewish superstate, I don't care, that would keep them occupied!
  • "And most importantly, massive bull [sacrifice], loads of gold, 20% bonus to Morale. Flipping love it. Anyone would have thought we're just making this up, and the more money you're paying me means more favorable omens, love it."
  • "Now I appreciate that this is expensive, but we're going to get these mercenaries killed, nice and fast, they're gonna lose a lot of strength going over the water. At that point we don't have to pay them anymore. It's all gonna work out."
  • In the middle of the invasion, Jon's flabbergasted when the electors' support switches to his Marshall, a lowborn nobody.
    Jon: Okay, it's a nice story, but I'm not having that, no.
  • After an hour of build-up, and Jon preparing for an apocalyptic, multi-front war against Christians and Muslims surrounding his empire, the Idrisid sultan surrenders Carthage after all of ten minutes.
    Jon: You absolute fool! If you'd just hid your army over here [in west Africa], I'd be stuck at 99% [Warscore] for the next two and a half years or something, and then reinforcements would have come piling in from literally everybody. So... okay, he's just handed me, he's just handed me everything.
  • Jon decides to hand his new Tunisian territory to his closest family members.
    Jon: Dionysios, you may have this random, terrible bit of desert land that nobody particularly wants. Congratulations, my son! And you, Helias, who just sort of appeared out of nowhere, the commander of Cilicia and heir to the county of Noli, you may have this slightly more desirable bit of coast land next to the other guy. And as for Carthage, I'll just keep that for meself, to be honest. Because why not, eh? When we put the fires out, I bet it's going to generate actually a decent bit of money.
  • So Emperor Hermes the Glorious is able to become Augustus of the restored Roman Empire, which comes with its own perks.
    Jon: You see, just in case - between the holy wars, the great holy wars, and the once-in-a-lifetime invasions - I didn't have, y'know, enough reasons to declare war, I've now got imperial reconquest. [...] So basically, free, infinite wars, forever.
  • A unique event fires where the new emperor decides to get back against the "Galileans" by burning all the temples in Rome, which strikes Jon as "eminently reasonable." So the Vatican burns, crippling Catholic moral authority... and the game also clears out the reconsecrated Hellenic temples Jon's constructed since taking Rome several episodes ago.
    Jon: Okay, got a bit angry last night, burnt the Holy See down, sorry about that, need to immediately build a new temple as it turns out.
  • Another event occurs where Hermes feels the urge to torture some of the people in his dungeon, listen to their "sweet screams," see the fear in their eyes...
    Jon: Okay, I'm going be honest, sometimes Roman emperors did end up like this, yes, this is historically-accurate. So yes, let's oil up the rack! Let's torture them properly, dammit! No half-assed torture in this empire!
  • Then Jon decides to trigger the Roman Renaissance event, spreading Roman culture throughout the empire, though this requires moving the capital to Rome proper. Which, since Zeta is the world's most advanced region, sets Jon's tech level back about a century.
    Jon: This here, this is why you don't get caught up on the idea of a romantic Roman renaissance and accidentally cripple yourself technologically. But screw it, we're doing it, hurray, Roman Renaissance!
  • "Oh, here come the Christians. 'Oh, please stop murdering us, we don't like being on fire' - no, shove off. Roman, Greece, Zeus, forever!"
  • The Central African emperor of Kanem-Bornu asks for Jon's help converting to Hellenism, which Jon is happy to do even though the guy's in his fifties and won't last much longer.
    Jon: And then they immediately revolted. Possibly against the Hellenism.
  • Jon was ready to wrap up the series, since he'd met his goal of restoring the Roman Empire and was in a good position to expand to its old borders (and beyond). Then in 1122, he receives notification that the Mongols are coming, and decides to keep playing to see how the Golden Horde fares against the Roman Empire and its next ruler.
    Jon: Coming up next time, Warrior-Queen Aphroditia takes on Genghis Cocking Khan! That's a sentence I wasn't expecting to say.
• Jon opens the "Grander Finaler" by examining Genghis Khan's character sheet and wondering who could possibly save Rome from the warlord's Martial of 24 now that Emperor Hermes has "made the conscious decision to become Captain Biscuit."
  Jon: If only we had, uh, someone else, someone- (opens Princess Artemisia's character sheet) No, not you, not flipping you. (opens Princess Aphroditia's character sheet) There ya go! Some form of, I don't know, warrior-queen in the making, who, at the age of 19, having never held any position of power whatsoever, has a natural Martial of twenty-cocking-six!
  • Meanwhile, Emperor Hermes the Glorious has not only scammed everyone into believing he's descended from Alexander the Great, but also founded his own bloodline by restoring Rome. "So now he's just bloody showing off."
  • To kill time before the Mongols arrive, Jon decides to take the rest of Italy, and does his usual "pre-vasion" not because he really needs to weaken Italy's defenses, but because the empire is nearly broke.
    Jon: 'cause I may have spent the entire treasury on a nice set of gardens in Zeta. Which I probably shouldn't have done, in retrospect, but what can you do, eh?
  • "Money's getting a bit on the low side. Then again, now we can burn down Italy, burning down Italy is the new burning down Venice."
  • "Okay, it is another daughter to add to the pile. Okay, we've had a Romula, let's have a Rema. It doesn't bode well for their future relations, but what can you do?"
  • The war for Italy gets tense when the emperor's own army gets stuck in a losing battle, forcing Jon to rush and have his other forces assault various holdings to get his Warscore up so he can end it before losing that big battle. Instead Hermes' force manages to win the battle despite the odds, which combined with the other assaults wraps the war up nicely. And in the middle of all of this, Jon's distracted by a random notifications, like his vassals creating Transylvania (again) or tattling on each others' sexual preferences.
    Jon: Okay, "bizarre and repulsive evidence," I enjoy bizarre and repulsive evidence, lovely, tell me more! Okay, you know what, keep it to meself, and I might look at it in my private moments.
  • Just when things are looking good and most of Italy is under imperial control, Jon learns that Orpheus is now the heir apparent.
    Jon: Hang on, did my bribery wear off by any chance? ...No, we just need to do more bribery.
  • Meanwhile, Hermes' behavior grows more erratic.
    Jon: Okay, the Possessed by Satan thing might be getting a bit more serious, because yes, now I apparently enjoy dressing up as wild men, chaining myself to other people, and yes, in general being, ah, on fire. Which is a bit of a problem.
  • This burn ends up spelling the end for Hermes, and after eulogizing the restorer of the Roman Empire, Jon eagerly takes control of the new Pontifex Maxima Aphroditia.
    Jon: Yes indeed, Martial jumped straight up to 30, because... what do you mean, 'Immortal?' She's immortal? Are we a hundred percent sure she's immortal? Also, she's secretly Catholic! Wait, WHAT?!
  • After sorting that out, Jon's able to take the all-important trip to the barber.
    Jon: Though I have just realized one downside - we can't give her a double-beard. Okay, can we give her like a double... braid, or something? Anything that's vaguely double.
  • "Also, I appear to have, um, missed a memo, here. But um, why do I run Italy? Like, we were just kicking their ass a second ago, but why do I... hang on, okay, everyone just started surrendering, to Aphroditia, because she's too terrifying and nobody wants to actually fight her."
  • Another oddity is that Jon's inherited a new Ambition, mainly "Marry a Ruler."
    Jon: So yeah, "The ambitious Pontifex Maxima Aphroditia thinks marrying a ruler would be an excellent way to climb the social ladder." (beat) I'm gonna be honest, Aphroditia, there ain't much ladder above ya, but okay.
  • Jon breaks down laughing when he receives word that Aphroditia has been kicked out of the Society of Jesus.
    Jon: (sniggering) I didn't realize I was in, but yeah, I'm not allowed in the Society of Jesus anymore, because I became the Pope of Zeus, and the leader of the world's pagan superpower. So I'm gonna be honest, it's a fair cop!
  • It takes Jon about 20 minutes to work out that Aphroditia isn't actually immortal, she's just getting a combat bonus from the masterwork armor Jon got for Hermes, which he named "Immortal."
  • Aphroditia's official Rival and greatest enemy turns out to be Proconsul Neophytos, her former tutor. Jon tries to "settle this like adults" in an axe-fight, but he's now so old that it would be considered dishonorable. So instead he tries to imprison him, prompting him to rebel, and takes things to the battlefield.
    Jon: Let's make this happen, right here, me and you, alright? Let's see what the square root of 81 is now, you bastard! It's probably still nine, to be perfectly honest, you can't actually change that by hitting someone with an axe.
  • After the battle, Jon gets the option to sacrifice someone to the gods, even though the captive is a priest of Zeus.
    Jon: I feel like, we shouldn't do that. I feel like we shouldn't. We really shouldn't. (chipper) Yeah, you know what, sure, why not? The odd sacrifice is fine. As long as we don't sacrifice too many people, it's not gonna be a problem.
  • "Where the cock did that much money come from?! Does... does anyone know where I suddenly got 7,000 gold? Because I did not have that ten minutes ago. Okay, don't question it, it's good to have gold."
  • Jon spends some money improves Rome's infrastructure, and also upgrades the Garden of Hermes to have some Secluded Groves, "which is a polite way of saying 'Hey, a really nice outside place to have sex with my husband.'"
    Jon: Yes, we'll do that, because I'll admit, what with all the murdering, I have been having trouble, y'know, producing a son. None of that matters so much, really, I'm perfectly happy for my brother to take over when the time is right, that's A-OK. Y'know what? He can do it. The governor of Carthage can oh. (beat) Maybe I shouldn't let Carthage take over the Roman Empire. Okay, he's not Carthaginian, he just lives in Carthage, it's different. He does look a bit evil, though... I mean, just look at that beard, there's no "double" about it whatsoever.
  • Jon wraps up the episode by assuring that it isn't the end, even if he thought the promised showdown between Rome and the Horde would have happened by now.
    Jon: I'm gonna admit, I was assuming the Mongols would have made, you know, faster progress than that. But instead they're just sort of... hanging out, over there [on the edge of the map], with nowhere near as much troops. It's a bit sad that I'm sitting over here with 140,000 men, and Genghis Khan has got himself only 26,000, of which 17,000 are event-spawned, which are going to get worn down since you don't actually regenerate or repair event troops, so... yeah, the poor, poor, sad Mongols.
• The final, final episode is titled "Grandest Finalest," and the helmet in the YouTube thumbnail is going nuts, with a cascade of horns and googly eyes.
  • Since Jon's playing as Empress Aphroditia, he gets to experience "the female side of the whole child situation" with some new events.
    Jon: Normally I just, you know, lock my wife in a dark room and wait for a few months.
  • Then his husband has the gall to question whether the child is his.
    Jon: Arsenios, you are on flipping thin ice! Hang on, let me just double-check I don't have any lovers, right? I do but it's you! It's you, you stupid bastard!
  • Which, combined with Arsenios extorting money from Zeta, and Jon noticing a Genius bachelor Aphroditia's age, is enough to make him divorce his husband and kick him out, while Aphroditia is currently pregnant with his child.
    Jon: "You are not sure when Arsenios joined your court or what he's doing here." Indeed, I can't even remember who this guy is. He can go now, actually.
  • While pregnant, Aphroditia has trouble with her combat training, and Jon immediately picks the response that gives her Uncouth.
    Jon: Many of my ancestors were Uncouth, okay? Smelling good? Not a thing my family is known for, that's fine, I'm pretty sure Perun was Uncouth too, so I'm just trying to be more like him, dammit.
  • "Also, seriously, this whole 'having children' thing, not a hundred percent convinced about it, seems a bit on the dangerous side."
  • When the Duchy of Alania requests direct control over one of Jon's other vassals, he denies the request. "I've got no problem with them, but... bordergore."
  • Due to Jon's adjustments to the imperial tax code, expenses from the great gardens in Zeta, and upgrades to Rome's infrastructure, the empire's getting low on cash.
    Jon: And yeah, we can't go and ransack Venice anymore. I miss going to ransack Venice, that was my favorite thing to do. I mean, I guess there's this territory just north of Venice that nobody's actually claimed yet... sure, we'll go and ransack that, that'll probably be about as fun!
  • Jon names Aphroditia's first child, a daughter, Harmonia, after Ares and Aphrodite's most famous daughter, and specifically to contrast Eris, harbinger of the Fourth Crusade. When Aprhoditia has a son, and as much as Jon would like to name him Claudius, instead he names him after one of Aphrodite's more infamous sons.
    Jon: Priapus, the son of Aphrodite and... either Zeus, or Dionysus, or Hermes, depending on which tradition you're reading because yes, myths are just often making things up as they go along. But yes, he is the god of livestock, gardens, fruit and penises! He is literally the God of Penises, he's always pictured with a massive penis, he was very popular in Roman art because penises are amusing and have been in every culture throughout history, so yes, we're going to be having him.
  • At first Jon is confused when France, currently his vassal, starts grabbing territory from his other vassals.
    Jon: I don't know how they've stolen this territory... oh. France isn't in any way bound by the rules. Have you been attacking your fellow vassals because you can attack them but they can't attack you back, because you're not de jure - oh, you sneaky bastards. I bet that's why you made France your primary title, you dicks!
  • Jon's perplexed when Aphroditia and Titus produce "Hare-Lipped" children despite both of them lacking the Trait, and Titus literally lacking parents since he was created as a courtier that generation.
    Jon: Did this game actually model recessive genes or something? That'd be wild, if so.
  • Jon relishes a peasant uprising, since it lets Aphroditia improve her Personal Combat Skill by sacrificing captives.
    Jon: Oh, you wanted "rights" and "to be treated fairly," yeah, well now you get sacrificed to Zeus.
  • Aphroditia's niece Anastasia, who helped her hunt a werewolf and is the second-most competent duelist in the world, urges her to lead her troops in a raid against El-Arish, and Jon accepts. He decides to assault the holding rather than siege it down, since he'd presumably lose the same number of troops from storming the fortifications as he would by sticking around long enough to take attrition damage, but is shocked when Aphroditia's assault resolves as soon as he presses the button.
    Jon: Just basically start moving until we lose the right- (event pop-ups) -number of... okay, um, never mind, we just... where did we get the - oh! How did we just... wait, what? How did we just walk straight past... right, we'll you're a cocking military genius, apparently. Right, well somehow you just walked straight past a city with 5.5 in terms of Defense, so that's... that's good. I mean, honestly, now that you're here and you're raiding, and now we know that yeah, their army's stuck up here [in Syria] for some reason... you kind of well just raid the rest of Egypt, to be honest!
  • So Aphroditia gets to display what her Martial of 37 (70) and Personal Combat Skill of 136 can do when she's leading an army.
    Jon: So yeah, this is a 5.5 [Defense holding] with 1,600 men. So, just out of interest, when we get up to full strength, can we just basically walk straight through this, again? Because seriously, that would be brilliant. And...
    (presses Attempt an Assault and instantly wins the Siege of Tinnis with 494 casualties)
    Jon: ...How the hell did we just do that? How are we-
    (instantly wins the Siege of Said with 184 casualties)
    Jon: How are we walking straight through these territories? This is, this is ridiculous! Okay, Aphroditia is just walking over the cocking walls!
    (instantly wins the Siege of Isma'illa with 440 casualties)
    Jon: We're not even taking... we're not even taking casualties! I do not understand how this is happening, but somehow, we're able to just-
    (instantly wins the Siege of Damietta with 419 casualties)
    Jon: -walk straight through bloody territories-
    (instantly wins the Siege of Burlus with 283 casualties)
    Jon: -right now, this is... what?! This is insane!
  • "Also, Athena apparently came up age and the game didn't tell me, and yeah, in terms of both abilities and haircut, it has not turned out well."
  • Either because of or despite Aphroditia's raid on Egypt, Sunni Islam declares a jihad for Roman Alexandria, and Jon can only say "Good luck with that, you stupid losers" before sending the empress and her sisters-in-arms to lead the counter-attack.
    Jon: Alright, Aphroditia, same thing we did last time we were here, please, just basically yeah, push in and instantly-
    (instantly wins the Siege of Damietta with 406 casualties)
    Jon: You're just instantly taking territory.
    (instantly wins the Siege of Burius with 161 casualties)
    Jon: This is ridiculous. I don't know how she's doing this, but-
    (instantly wins the Siege of Saramash with 333 casualties)
    Jon: We're already up to, yep, 22% [Warscore]. You made a real mistake attacking-
    (instantly wins the Siege of Burah with 399 casualties)
    Jon: -Aphroditia, by the way-
    (instantly wins the Siege of Fareskur with 122 casualties)
    Jon: -'cause she is just going up to the cities and accepting their surrender one by one.
  • And then Aphroditia gets to lead her army of 21,000 in a proper field battle against 27,000 jihadis.
    Jon: Oh, just look how fast the [enemy] center's collapsing! She's not taking casualties! She's just chased them off! This is, this is ludicrous! This is absolutely ridiculous, she just basically went screaming into the front line with Tragedy in one hand and the Axe of Perun in the other! And they've just collapsed!
  • In the middle of rampaging through Egypt (again), Jon receives word that the Aphroditia's hunting dog has gone on a rampage of its own.
    Jon: Oh dear, um... my hunting dog possibly was possessed by Satan, that does actually, that does actually happen, sometimes. Okay, I might have the Satan dog event.
  • Jon reaches 100% warscore, but decides to continue fighting the invading armies.
    Jon: Honestly, this is good battlefield experience for Aphroditia. She's just getting stronger and stronger from this. Every person you put in her way just makes her more powerful.
  • "And my brother, who I am increasingly suspicious is just trying to get me killed so he can take over, now wants me to track down somebody to go and murder him. But to be honest, I should be able to handle that, so yes, I accept, you stupid loser."
  • Tragically, young Priapus dies "attending to chamber business" at age 11.
    Jon: He did have dysentery at the time, so... I'm not too suspicious, story checks out.
  • This leads Jon to notice that his ex-husband took most of his kids, including his eldest son. And then his current husband is assassinated on the order of the King of France, prompting his most terrible revenge.
    Jon: Um, excuse me, yes, over here for a second, please, we need to talk about this. I mean, I'm gonna be honest - you're very useful, and haven't caused much in the way of trouble. But you did just have my husband murdered. I'm not even that angry, I'm just sort of curious why? Actually, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna send you a lovely gift, a big pile of money, isn't that nice of us? And now we're at +88 [Opinion], what I'm gonna do now, is, the one thing to you that's worse than murdering your loved ones. I'm going to demand gavelkind, because I can't help but notice you have a lot of sons, and a lot of titles, all over the world, that I wouldn't mind seeing split up a bit. So yeah, you're going to be gavelkinding now. And for 200 gold he'll do it, there ya go, I consider us even at this point.
  • After pushing gender equality a few notches forward, Jon's Martial position is filled by Aphroditia's niece Anastasia.
    Jon: This is what the Roman Empire is, right now, the world's greatest warrior-aunt is just traveling around with her niece, trashing everything.
  • At long last, the "Start of a Legend" event fires, which involves the random Bulgarian Skull that's been sitting in the Choirosphaktes family vault for generations finally being converted into a drinking-cup.
    Jon: Not entirely what I was planning on doing with it, given that the Bulgarians are now our best friends, but on the other hand, they did sort of just murder my husband. So sure, why not?
  • One hour and fifteen minutes into the final episode, Jon notes that the Kingdom of Thrace is finally cleaning up the bordergore in Anatolia by conquering the Abbasid exclave there.
  • During her dueling spree into the Middle East, Aphroditia gets wounded fighting a Giant Mook in a tournament. And then fights another giant, with the same Personal Combat Skill, with the same event messages.
    Jon: Okay, there's just two giants in different tournaments just down the road, they're probably competing coliseums or something. So that's absolutely fine, he did the exact same thing so I was probably expecting it on this occasion...
  • In the end, Aphroditia returns home scarred but triuphant.
    Jon: I'm not even injured! I'm splattered with blood and couldn't be bothered to clean it off, I guess it's part of, you know, the general aesthetic or whatever.
  • So the 52-year-old Aphroditia gets to found a second warrior bloodline and gains the "Renowned Hero" trait, which among other things gives her a bonus to Sex Appeal.
    Jon: So, I am gonna get lucky tonight, marvelous!
  • Meanwhile, over in the corner of the map, Genghis Khan is dead at 85 from an infected wound, and the Mongol Empire is led by an underwhelming kid and not doing much. Several viewers have commented that once again, the Mongols spent the campaing just Horde Bumbling around.
  • The last thing Jon does as Aphroditia before going through the House Choirosphaktes chronicles is summoning a goldsmith to make her a better hat.

Crusader Kings III - This Is Ghana Be Good

• Jon starts off his preview of the new game with a disclaimer that Paradox was sponsoring the video and that "I don't know why to be honest, I would have payed them."
• The goal of his playthrough as Maghan Zoumana of Ghana is to accumulate the biggest brood of children possible, so the first thing he does in the game is divorce his wife so that he can marry a new, better wife, who will hopefully pass her Fecund trait to their offspring.
  Jon: A giant pile of kids is good, but a giant pile of kids that can start producing their own kids, that's exponential kids!
• But Jon points out that one wife might not be enough, "because if you think about it, even if you get your wife pregnant, that's going to take nine months or whatever, then she'll probably want a bit of downtime with the baby, that's at most one child per year. I'm already thirty-seven, we don't have time for this!" Fortunately, his religion allows concubinage for a bit of "outsourcing." And due to a lack of eligible women in his court, Jon ends up taking on his ex-wife as a concubine.
  Jon: Which is... is that sweet or monstrous? I'm not really sure - okay, seriously, Christmas is entering a brand new level of Awkward right now.
• This leads to Jon musing that having multiple wives would be very useful in his day-to-day life, prompting an Imagine Spot of him introducing a video.
  Jon: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jon-
  Claire: I'm Claire!
  Sophie: I'm Sophie!
  Jen: I'm Jen!
  Rachael: I'm Rachael with an A!
  Ruby: I'm Ruby!
  Allison: I'm Allison!
  Mattophobia: I'm Matt!
  Ella: I'm Ella!
  Myra: I'm Myra!
  Laura: I'm Laura!
  Jon: And welcome to Knights of the Old Republic! Now unfortunately, we still have to do the outro, so that's actually all the time we've got for this week. Hopefully we'll begin the game next week, we shall see. But in the meantime I've been Jon-
  Claire: I've been Claire!
  Rachael: I've been Rachael with an A-
  (back to CK 3)
  Jon: Okay, that sounds like a bad idea, let's never consider that again.
• He's perplexed that his wife keeps out-performing his concubines when it comes to popping out children.
  Jon: What am I paying you for - assuming I'm paying you, I don't know whether I actually pay you, am I paying you? No, it turns out as a tribe leader, I'm not actually paying anybody. Okay, so they're just here because they want to be, spectacular.
• "This feels unnecessary, but I suppose I need to seduce my concubines, otherwise they're not going to do their job."
• When Jon and his harem only manage to produce one kid over two years, he decides to pivot from the Family focus to Seduction.
  Jon: It's basically the same thing, except we just redefine "family" a bit wider to mean "basically anybody I fancy."
• He sets his sights on a courtier with the Giant trait, "which the game sort of seems to be selling as a bad thing. No, we will breed a race of super-giants, it's going to be amazing!"
  Jon: Seduce her immediately, using a ladder if necessary!
• Ten minutes into the video, Jon has a wife, two concubines, and five lovers, but only six children to show for his efforts. "I feel like this isn't the efficient child production line I was hoping for."
• One of Jon's infidelities comes out, which is a problem since male adultery is a crime under Zoumana's religion.
  Jon: Also, nobody mention that another one of my lovers is my priestess, of a religion in which it's a crime to have lovers. But she's not just my lover, she's also my concubine. But is having her like... am I crossing a professional line? Like, you're only supposed to have "professional" sex with your concubines, but if they become lovers, then you're like having sex off the clock? Like, outside nine-to-five - I don't know, I'm not sure whether I'm committing a crime right now!
• "Okay, I really ought to have taken notes about this, because I'm going to be honest - a woman called Safiatou has just shown up and has a son, who's mine, and I'm not sure whether she's making this up or not because I can't remember running into her previously..."
• "The situation right now is, I don't think I can become any more sinful. I'm not sure there's anything more sinful than Sinner. So at this point, as far as I'm concerned, all sinning is free!"
• "Okay, so, I'm pretty sure the large pile of adultery, legitimization [of bastards], and other behavior means that at this point, my wife sort of hates me. So yeah, naturally there's only one thing to do at this point... and that's get rid of her and find a new one!"
• Instead of altering his behavior to be less sinful in the eyes of his religion, Jon decides to reform his religion to approve of his behavior, which will require lots of Faith. Fortunately, he has access to Human Sacrifice and the ability to declare prisoner-gathering wars...
  Jon: So if we just quickly go over to my prison here, you'll notice that this person is worth 25 Faith. I'm also gaining Dread, but that's absolutely fine, because this is holy burning, it's A-OK! ...The children are worth more? I'm not sure why murdering children is worth more Faith, but they are!
• "Slight miscalculation, I think I just accidentally stormed the town belonging to one of my lovers, who's now dead by being killed during the siege. Okay, I'm really sorry about that."
• Jon's impressed that it takes until his character is 56 for the "Too Much of a Good Thing" event to fire.
  Jon: So yes, unfortunately, days of nothing but going on hunts, getting drunk, talking to people, having sex with everybody, it's just too much and I'm starting to get stressed out by it. So... okay, who do we want to get rid of? We're going to do this entirely by who's produced the most children.
• One cut later - "Much murder later, like so much murder later" - Jon has close to 4000 Piety, has lost track of how many people he's sacrificed, and realizes his grand plan has not unfolded as he hoped it would.
  Jon: Y'see, I was trying to build up Piety so I could reform my religion, but unfortunately in doing so, I was going 'round, fighting wars to sacrifice people, which is a thing my religion likes. Also, we took several of my religion's holy sites, meaning basically... everyone's now really convinced my religion is great, and human sacrifice is A-OK. Kind of meant it as a means to an end, but instead, yeah, everyone's decided the religon's amazing. Which means, trying to reform it is vastly more expensive, because everyone's decided it's really good to kill people. So, I've accidentally started a mass death cult. That's bad, in a way, but in other ways it's not the worst thing, which is... I feel like that guy, in the fable or whatever, who shaves off his mustache to buy combs for his wife, but it turns out his wife has actually cut off her hair, on this occasion probably to find a divorce lawyer under the circumstances. But yeah, I can't help but notice something - the whole reason I wanted to reform my religion was, y'know, so that my adultery wouldn't be a crime anymore, and also maybe, just maybe, we could bring in some Carnal Exaltation, so lustfulness would be a virtue and everyone has more sexy times. But um, yeah. I've spent so many years trying to make all of that happen, that I haven't actually had a child in fifteen years. Yeah, because now I'm an old man who's probably having certain engineering and mechanical problems, if you know what I mean. So uh, yeah, I've spent my entire life desperately trying to have adultery legitimized, and in the end I'm actually past the point of wanting to do any adultery.
• Which begs the question of what Jon has to show for his character's life of sex and human sacrifice, which he can also answer:
  Jon: Sixteen very good children, some of these kids are actually very, very good indeed. This is my heir, he's looking pretty good, not spectacular. I have got ten million flipping alliances and so many unmarried daughters I could generate more any time I flipping want to. I have got stats of an emperor, since every single child and every single one of my friends is just contributing to my stats. So basically, yeah, it was Worth It. Unless you were one of the people I sacrificed, in which case, it wasn't.
• "And thus, ladies and gentlemen, did the great king learn that in fact familly was everything, and children somehow could make you all-powerful. And that's all we're going to remember - we're going to sweep a fair bit of the rest of it under the rug, that's fine, not a problem, we'll just kind of skirt around the details, shall we say."

Crusader Kings III - A Practical Guide to Torture, Madness and Profit

• Jon decides to do a video playing as Duke Bertrand II of Provence, an Occitan ruler caught between French and Holy Roman politics, but who is well-suited for letting Jon explore the new schemes and plots available to an Intrigue focus.
  Jon: He may be a terrible diplomat, a poor military leader, a catastrophically incompetent administrator, and none too bright either, but, but-but-but, he is the most cunning bastard who ever bastarded. [...] A knife in every study, a rose in every bedchamber, a chain in every dungeon! Oh, it's going to be some good, dirty fun today!
• Bertrand's brother-in-law is second in line to inherit the Duchy of Toulouse, which would make Bertrand's sister a duchess and thus increase the Renown of House Bosonid. "So that, my good man, means yeah, it's time for our first murder. It's not gonna be our last, though, not by a long shot."
• Jon manages to kill the duke by agitating a peasant riot, with the happy side effect of getting his agents hanged in the process.
  Jon: Dead men tell no tales. Goodbye you stupid losers, shouldn't have trusted someone who blatantly looks evil.
• Thirty minutes into the episode, after the birth of Bertrand's son, Jon realizes he sould have assigned a guardian to his first child.
• Jon gets the "Evening Meal" event, he assures himself that he "didn't necessarily eat children," considers becoming a cannibal anyway because it sounds fun, and ultimately decides the incident is a good excuse to try out the torture mechanics.
• The first obstacle to Jon seducing a guest is Bertrand's Zealous trait, because evidently "I'm fine with the murder sin, but the seduction sin is too far!" The bigger issue may be that...
  Jon: "I'm not attracted to..." wait, what?!
  (Smash Cut to Jon hovering over Bertrand's sexual orientation on his character sheet)
  Jon: Okay, I may have come across a small roadblock in my plan to seduce women and have more children.
• Forty-five minutes into the episode, Jon remembers to hit the Barbershop and customize his character with an appropriate scheming goatee.
• The Holy Roman Empire predictably explodes after losing a war with France, and Jon joins a faction and demands independence. His request is denied and Jon finds himself at war with the two-year-old Emperor Heinrich V.
  Jon: Somehow a baby has ended up on the throne and is really annoyed with me, for uh, trying to do this. So the baby has written me a very eloquent letter, I imagine it was written by his regent, but you know what, maybe not? Maybe I'm about to go to war with a genius baby. So that's fine, that's all absolutely A-OK. Can we murder the genius baby, by the way?
• "Oh gosh darn it, Barral [the cannibal] died befoer I remembered to flipping torture him again. So now I need to find someone else to torture. Okay guys, when we storm the castle, and you find anyone inside, bring them back to the actual dungeons, because we kind of need them."
• After winning a siege and taking some captives, Jon's hit with the dilemma of whether to torture them for Intrigue experience and potential Dark Insights, or ransoming them for gold.
  Jon: Okay, but... I mean... why not both? [...] They're actually worth the same amount of money now as before I whipped them. Okay, you know what, that's perfectly acceptable. They are very, very keen to be ransomed by their dad.
• "Another siege leads to yet! More! Prisoners! Good, we have captured somebody's stepdaughter, his - ooh, yeah, that's the - oh. He's a baby." (beat) "Like... in some ways, you probably shouldn't torture babies. Okay, you can't Torture babies. You can Execute them, though... That's... that's got to be - okay, that would generate a fair amount of Dread. People are pretty scared of the person who murders a baby. But the only people who seem to actually mind would be his family, and I don't really care what this guy thinks, so... Okay, just in theory, how much would he pay for it? 50 gold. That's alright. That's okay, you can have him back for 50 gold. Honestly, I feel like I should be asking for more."
• Then Bertrand's brother-in-law, who he helped become Duke of Toulouse behind the scenes, declares war over the Prince-Bishopric of Viviers. Jon responds by forming the duchy of Viennois, which includes the disputed county, keeps the title for himself, starts a plot to assassinate the count with the claim, and plays defense while the plot progresses.
  Jon: Oh flipping dear! It would appear your stupid war is over! That's such a shame that you're unexpectedly dead. Sorry, I'm just going to enjoy standing on my hill that still belongs to me, because an army five times my flipping side couldn't flipping take it! Now that, that's the power of murder!
• Since he's distributed his Intrigue perks across three different skill trees, Jon decides to "embrace the madness" and put Bertrand through a mental break to reset his skill trees and specialize in one, which generates a ton of Stress. One thoughtless remark at dinner later, and...
  Jon: I just started weeping openly in the middle of court. Brilliant. What does it matter, don't care, everything's under control because my stats are through the flipping roof!
• Unfortunately, high stats don't prevent certain max-Stress events from firing.
  Jon: Okay, so my Intrigue's looking very good, but on the other hand, I'm planning to murder my son, because I've become convinced that all the bad things are down to two things - it's either my son, or squirrels. So either my son dies, and that's probably a bad thing, to be honest, in many ways. Or, alternatively, the squirrels, they did it, at which point I become a Lunatic, which seems... honestly, not even that bad! I can live with that!
  (Gilligan Cut to "You have died.")
  Jon: Okay, on the other hand, possibly, repeatedly running myself around at the highest imaginable level of Stress, while insane and paranoid, I can see how that would have been quite bad for my health, yes. So, okay, that - there are downsides to the "embracing chaos and let's all live in madness strategy," not going to deny.
• So Jon continues on as Dauphin Otton of Provence, who could try a different approach to ruling, "like not being a monster." He tries to Sway the neighboring Count Artau of Lyon to make him a Voluntary Vassal, which goes in an uncomfortable direction.
  Jon: Okay, this wasn't entirely what the original plan was, but I've invited Count Artau 'round for tea, and he wants to have a private dinner with my mum, which... apparently would stress me out, a bit, but he would have a really nice time. So I'm just gonna assume this is fine and say yes, because he's really starting to come around to me. Okay, my mum will agree that we're just never going to acknowledge what just happened again.
• And then everything is derailed and the episode ends with an unexpected war declaration.
  Jon: And so as my capital is burnt to the ground by Lappland, which decided to, you know, just come on a nice holiday to the south of France... to be honest, fair enough. That's Crusader Kings III, everyone!

Crusader Kings III - The Tale of the Last Viking

• Jon's first CK III series will be his first Viking playthrough, and while he considered going with the 867 AD start date, he decided that would be "a little bit too on the easy side," since there's a solid block of Norse culture and lots of weak, divided neighbors to pillage. Instead he's playing from the 1066 start date, i.e. the end of the Viking Age, as Count Olaf of Åland, one of the last pagans in Sweden.
  • "Can we preserve the Viking Age? Will we have no choice but to bow and accept Christianity? And most importantly of all, can I find a dog? Because now, you get to pet your dog by decision, and I've never wanted to do anything more than this."
  • When properly introducing Count Olaf, defender of Viking-dom, Jon admits "I never said this was going to be easy."
    Jon: He's not exactly, shall we say, Viking material. I mean I assume his parents did their best trying to turn him into a good Viking. He's got himself a good - and when I say "good," I mean, y'know, sort of okay - Martial education, alright. He is very good at fording water, which is good, 'cause if needs to march his army literally anywhere, he needs to ford water one way or another. So that's probably quite useful, but um... unfortunately, he's not really got that killer spirit, if we're going to be honest. Instead no, he's picked up some much more sociable, pleasant, diplomacy-style personality traits. He is in fact incredibly Trusting, nice and Calm, and Patient. So, he is in no rush to save the Viking Age, whatsoever. Which is a shame, because it's already 1066 and things are a bit on the late side.
  • In fact, Jon immediately takes Olaf to character customization menu and confiscates his Viking-y helmet.
    Jon: Oh that's much better, you've got lovely hair, show it off.
  • When examining Olaf's liege, King Erik II Stenkilsson, Jon has to admit "that's a good beard for a twenty-year-old, well done!"
  • While considering his options for expansion, Jon can't help but notice the nearby Grand City of Gotland and its 31 lootable gold.
    Jon: Okay, Olaf, you might get that hat back sooner than expected.
  • In Olaf's court is one Malin "the Inevitable" Jonsson, a Scarred, Reclusive, Irritable, Reckless, Berserker and an Unyielding Defender.
    Jon: I read that as an "Unyielding Disaster" the first time, that would have been even better! She's also Vengeful, and Stubborn, and Ambitious... I mean, are we a hundred percent sure we want her to be in this territory? Oh bloody hell, she's our Spymaster! Oh this is oh, um, I mean... she's almost certainly the most qualified person for the job. She does have 19 Intrigue and like... hates me. And also, oh, she's Catholic, and thus thinks I'm evil. Okay, Malin "the Inevitable" Jonsson, we might not necessarily want her to be around. I'm not convinced she's going to be good for my health in the long run.
  • The good news is, unlike CK II, in CK III you can shuffle Council positions at will. "The problem is, I'm surrounded by absolute flipping incompetents." Also, "everyone hates me."
  • "I know it seems like a bad idea, entrusting my son and heir to a Spymaster who doesn't like me, but she's going to like me as a result of me giving her the heir. Hopefully. So yeah, in five months she's going to absolutely love me. And when I say 'love me,' I mean 'not actively hate me,' which I'll flipping take for the time being."
  • One perk of being a Norse holdout is that Jon's allowed to take concubines from the women in his court. But "probably not the Inevitable Jonsson."
  • Olaf already has some ranks in the Martial lifestyle skill trees, but Jon considers branching into Diplomacy since almost nobody in the world likes him.
    Jon: We need to do the one-two punch here, okay? Velvet glove on one hand, shaking hands and making friends, spiked knuckle on the other, punching possibly the same person in the face at the same time.
  • Jon decides to pay Gotland a visit, explaining "This isn't a war, I'm just having that lovely 30 gold." Unfortunately...
    Jon: Um, I'm gonna be honest, this is a slightly embarrassing start for Count Olaf. 'cause it turns out you can't raid your own [neighboring vassals'] territory, you're only allowed to raid foreigners' territory. So as a result of that, we all put on our spiky Viking helmets that totally weren't actually a thing, that's complete nonsense, it's ahistorical and didn't happen - um, and came down to this republic, and now we're just sort of standing around, not sure what to do. This is probably very embarrassing to our religion. (to Olaf) This here, this is why you don't get a hat!
  • "Okay, let's, let's just go home, quickly and quietly, and pretend this didn't happen. We didn't techncially raid anybody. If anyone asks, we weren't here to raid, we were here on holiday, okay? We just came down to... Gotland for a nice holiday."
  • Jon eyes his neighboring Swedish counties as potential steps towards seizing the Duchy of Uppland. Problem is...
    Jon: Um, the Duchy of Uppland is, the next person in line to get it... the King of Sweden himself. So, if he takes the Duchy, then all of a sudden he has the right to start - ohhhh, that's not good.
  • So Jon starts rooting for Prince Erik II to start popping out more heirs to split up his titles, and is concerned that his wife isn't pregnant.
    Jon: Okay, but you're under house arrest, right? That doesn't affect your fertility in the slightest, you're still in the same place as your wife. In fact, if anything, you're now basically bound to spend more time with her, because you're locked in with her. Welcome to our world, by the way, you're now just stuck inside for the foreseeable future. Look, just have a date night with the wife, you need to get out a son as soon as possible, please, otherwise Catholicism is just going to have the Duchy of Uppland.
  • Since every potential raid target on the Baltic coast has a bigger military than Jon, he decides to look further afield. Like, say, the fractious counties of Ireland.
    Jon: Okay, activate raiding, take two! This time, it's going to work!
  • "We're gonna come home with a giant pile of booty! Is that the right term? I know that's like pirates, but can that also apply to, like, y'know, raiders and Vikings and such? Did they have booty?"
  • Jon notices that Countess Bothid actually accompanied Olaf on the looting and pillaging, and declares "This has become a really wholesome Viking raid."
  • Jon's concubine Inga gets pregnant, which excites Jon until he remembers some other details.
    Jon: You're also educating my... Okay, so, I just realized, that yes, um, what happened is, I've got a primary wife, and Inga, one of my concubines, is now pregnant. Now, her children do enter the line of succession, um, but as a result of that, it would technically work in her unborn child's favor if she were to, y'know, somehow engineer an accident involving my son, who she's the guardian of, and also, she's my Spymaster, and also she's a Godless Ravener, so... Okay, um, I'm sure this is fine, she seems to like me!
  • A war in Wales spills over into Ireland, as its divided counties get pulled in via alliances across the Irish Sea.
    Jon: Right, everyone back on the boats, we're going back to Ireland.
  • Inga's child turns out to be a girl, who Jon names Björg under the logic "it's a fun name to say."
  • Jon doesn't immediately recognize Olaf during a raid event pop-up, since "I'm not used to seeing myself that angry," and he picks the outcome that nets him the most gold.
    Jon: Bring me bounteous plunder! And once you're done with that, bring me some plunderous bounty, alright, I want both!
  • Jon gets an event where a chieftain demands satisfaction after Jon's Steward killed his daughter, and chooses to force the Steward to beg forgiveness in public rather than pay a weregild.
    Jon: Sorry, you're not getting any money out of me, alright? It took the Irish a long time to earn this money.
  • "Oh, good. My incompetent Chancellor is in fact so incompetent he's accidentally given a claim, to our own county, to the king of cocking Finland! Alright, didn't you listen to the history I was just telling you about Åland? They don't want to be ruled by Finland! This is literally the worst thing you could have done!"
  • Jon naturally names Olaf's newborn son Jonn, with "a double N to make it Scandinavian."
  • "Okay, so we're on to the bloody third King of Sweden and we're less than ten years into the game! This is slightly ridiculous!"
  • When Olaf's firstborn son Adalvard comes of age, Jon approves of his Viking outfit, but removes the kid's helmet.
    Jon: In this house, Adalvard, we earn our helmets, okay? You get the helmet when you prove yourself.
  • Jon belatedly notices that the Petty Kingdom of Uppland is currently held by a Catholic, namely the new King of Sweden, who is Jon's immediate liege and has the power to ask to revoke titles.
    Jon: ...We need to get rid of that, like, now, actually. That needs to go.
  • Then, after joining a Liberty faction, Jon notices that the King of Sweden is now Asatru as a result of a popular uprising against Catholicism.
    Jon: He definitely wasn't when he got elected, 'cause literally... okay, he's seen the light! Flipping hallelujah, or whatever the equivalent is for Thor! And on that Perception -1 bombshell, 'cause I've no bloody clue how long he's been Norse, but like, he is now, so spectacular! I would say that is enough for now, ladies and gentlemen, this is a - this is a pretty solid start. It's a mixed bag, to be honest, which is... we do actually have a King of Sweden who has flipped to the true path. But like, on the other hand, Sweden has sort of disintegrated into a completely incoherent mess. [...] Welcome back to Crusader Kings, where everything's nonsense and you can never bloody predict what's about to happen next.
• Part 2 - Finnish Him
  • Jon recaps the previous episode and how "things have just spiraled out of control."
    Jon: Sweden managed to get through three kings in seven years because they just don't bloody stay alive, the War of 1066 has been raging for the best part of a decade at this point and still isn't decided after spiraling out of control and drawing in four different allies, and after all this chaos we've still only got a single country.
  • Jon has no idea how to pronounce and distinguish the counties of Åland and Öland.
  • Åland's most valuable alliance is with the High Chiefdom of Lappland. "So nobody mess with me, I will summon the hordes of reindeer down upon you to rain holy red-nosed fury."
  • "Poor Bjorg is actually delicate, she is literally an egg. Okay, she's my favorite daughter, but on the other hand, she might die. And when I say 'favorite' daughter, yes, only daughter."
  • After getting called into one of Sweden's internal conflicts, Jon is pleased that his champions are pulling an "absolute flipping walkover" on his rival's knights.
    Jon: And when I say "walkover," like, here's the problem, with the fact that I haven't properly invested in, y'know, Pursuit or proper troops, which is, technically, I've actually lost about the same amount as he has. We both lost like, y'know, 80-odd men. He retreated, but it was still a kick in the teeth for me.
  • Jon's pleased to see another Swedish noble forced to convert to the Norse religion, and that the current king's wife is pregnant.
    Jon: ...Which is good, because the king has Great Pox. Why is every Swedish king getting sick and dying?! We're going through them faster than bloody Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers!
  • When a horde of Finns show up to raid Åland, Jon concludes that it's more cost-effective for him to take his army and raid the British Isles than it is to try and defend himself.
  • "Oh, and perfect! Over in Wales we've got the 'Fire and Blood' event, so we get to do some extra special looting!"
  • "'Accused of Claim Fabrication.' I'm gonna be honest, I am - yes, it's not really an accusation if it's true."
  • While Jon's planning his conquest of a weakened Finland, he notes a "fairly major event I apparently completely missed," Lappland's conquest of Wolin, a war which has dragged in Sweden, Denmark, and Croatia, "because why wouldn't they be?"
  • When it's time to invade Finland, Jon decides Olaf will be leading the attack in person, which means it's time for a hat.
    Jon: Just a small hat, to start us off with, okay? We don't rush hats in this family, we got to take things carefully. Start with a nice, soft hat, and we'll see how you do with that.
  • In the middle of his war, Jon notices he's still part of the Liberty faction and quickly drops out before his now-Norse liege notices.
  • When Jon captures some Finnish courtier named Nydog, Jon remarks "You know what's fun about prisoners? We believe in Human Sacrifice!" But then he notices the guy has an Intrigue of 20, and there's a new "Recruit" option for prisoners...
    Jon: I could recruit you, demand your conversion, gain a weak Hook over you, and you, my friend, could be the best Spymaster I ever had. I mean, [Intrigue] 20... welcome the flip aboard! Okay, now admittedly, he does slightly hate me for the moment, but that's going to start going up very, very fast indeed. I'm not gonna make him Spymaster just yet, not just yet, but keep an eye on him, he could be very useful once he, you know, chills out.
  • "Oh, sorry, I forgot that [fabricating a claim on the County of Sevede] was a thing that we were supposed to be doing! I don't have the money for that right now. Just keep hanging around, we'll get to that at some point."
  • The end result of Jon's conquest of Finland? A religiously and culturally divergent territory bringing in no tax revenue and no levies, with primitive infrastructure and a tribal society that would cost Jon 500 gold to feudalize, on the borders of several other hostile tribes that would love to raid it. But then he realizes something:
    Jon: Actually, ooh - it turns out I'm a genius. Okay, so, no one's going to raid this, because it's not worth raiding! There's nothing worth raiding here! So as a result of that, it's basically going to keep Åland safe, because people are going to raid each other in - oh, it turns out I'm a genius!
  • Jon decides to go raid his Irish "piggy bank" again with his newly-expanded army, only to find out that he can't actually afford to have all his men standing at once.
  • During another Irish rampage, Jon captures the son and heir of the petty king of Connacht, and decides to keep the guy captive until his father has more money to pay a ransom with.
    Jon: For the moment, though, we'll just keep raiding. We'll decide what to do with your son in a second - I'm the bad guy, aren't I?
  • "Also, I don't mean to alarm anybody, but I just, um, had a quick look around Europe. So, Hungary's been getting, y'know, hungry in regards to some of its neighbors. So... I think they ate Poland while no one was looking."
  • Fifteen minutes after dragging Nydog back to Åland, Jon asks himself why he did that when he already has a competent Spymaster who doesn't actively hate him.
    Jon: Okay, we should probably, like, get rid of you, or something. Can we imprison you? Is that a thing we're allowed to do? No, he's too damn clever.
  • Olaf's son Stennar comes of age, and is greeted with "For the last time, you do not get a flipping helmet, you have to earn it!"
  • An event where Jon's army gets split up and lost, or hits the pub instead of the rally point, leads to Olaf learning a Martial lifestyle perk from the experience. "In fact I got two of them, because apparently I forgot to actually, y'know, spend the last one."
  • After years rooting for the King of Sweden to pop out heirs, Jon is now thinking about when his liege should have an "accident" to split his domain up for easy pickings.
• Part 3 - Dirty Secrets
  • With his conquest of Finland and Gestriklandia last episode, Jon's now up to three whole counties, which doesn't mean much until he can usurp the right territories to form a duchy so his domain is inherited intact by his primary heir. "Apart from Finland. We don't get to keep Finland, but whatever."
  • On the bright side, since Gestriklandia has a temple holding, Jon's court goði is finally relevant. "For the first time, this guy actually matters."
  • Jon's delighted that one of Olaf's grandkids is a Giant, meaning that trait's somewhere in the family gene pool. "In fact, she's a Giant and she's Bossy. I don't know if shield-maidens exist, but if they do, she could one-hundred-percent be one."
  • Jon sends his Spymaster to snoop for secrets in Sweden's capital.
    Jon: And yeah, just in theory, if I might need, y'know, the king, to die at some point, then finding some secrets - y'know, blackmail material, in his court - that could be very useful indeed.
  • What are the qualities of a good Champion? Combat skill and a landless background.
    Jon: So, in the event that he gets himself killed during a fight, it doesn't really matter. You want good, quality nobodies as your knights, if at all possible.
  • Jon's Spymaster finally gets results from his snooping in Uppland, like the identity of "the secret lover of Doctor Doom, marvelous."
  • "Okay, Sweden just wants the Inner Hebrides. I don't know why Sweden wants the Inner Hebrides, but to be honest, I welcome it, because you know what we're seeing here? We're seeing Scandinavia, looking at Britain, and saying 'Actually, yoink! That's mine now!' And that, that's pretty much pure Viking right there, so huzzah!"
  • When returning to the "piggy bank," Jon admits he's starting to feel sorry for the petty king of Connacht.
    Jon: Seriously, I've come in here, I've looted the place, I got the event that gave me even more flipping money, then I captured his wife and daughter, and I've got 75 gold for them too. And by the way, we're about to be taking what this church has got.
  • Jon's ally Lappland is fighting Norway, who he doesn't want to formally declare war on, but his new commander does like raiding, and he is out of money, and Norway does have some vulnerable Scottish holdings...
  • A best-case scenario comes to pass when Jon notices that King of Sweden has three sons.
    Jon: So, if in theory - just in theory, let's just play a little thought experiment that's not in any way a crime - the king were to die tomorrow...
  • "Also, does anyone know who this baby is and why he's in my prison? Oh, we must have captured him in Scotland, right, um... Okay, so... I mean, we could kill the baby. That would gain me some Dread, and that would gain me some Piety, which is nice. Um, yeah, sure, let's just kill the baby, we're going to burn the baby at the stake, that's actually worth a good bit of Piety for me."
  • Jon's spying in the capital uncovers a blackmail-worthy scandal, like an illicit affair. Or something.
    Jon: ...They've both single, so I'm not really sure why that's a crime, but whatever. I mean, are you a hundred percent sure it's adultery if they're both single? Because I'm not convinced!
  • "Lindolf, I'm going to be honest, we don't really need you for anything. So, you're being sent off to a matrilineal marriage, sorry about that."
  • While Jon's allies are distracted with their own conflicts, the Catholic Count Tjudmund of Övre Dalarna declares war in an attempt to take back Gestriklandia. But through a strategic marriage, Jon's able to quickly forge an alliance with his fellow pagan Count Faste of Varmaland before the invader can recruit him.
    Jon: Oh dear, it's looking a bit more dicey all of a sudden, isn't it? It looks like your next-door neighbor has betrayed you to the side of the angels! Or to be precise, the side of the not-angels!
  • Then it turns out Jon's investments in his army and Champions means he could have defeated Tjudmund's rabble by himself, so bringing an ally in is just overkill.
    Jon: Oh no, you shouldn't have started this war, should you? You've made a horrible, horrible mistake! Because it turns out, oh dear, you're Catholic, and you're in the wrong flipping neighborhood, mate!
  • Sweden claiming the Inner Hebrides put it in diplomatic range of Ireland, which resulted in some alliances with the Irish petty kingdoms, which resulted in Sweden getting pulled into a war with England proper. Or as Jon puts it, "It's flipping back on, Scandinavia versus England round two, let's flipping go!"
  • "Also, slightly awkward moment - my allies to the north are sort of attacking my liege right now. Doesn't seem to reflect particularly badly on me. He hasn't invited me [to help], understandably, so I'm just going to stay where I am and not say anything."
• Part 4 - To Kill a King
  • Jon kicks off the episode with the first CK III installment of "The Things That Jon Got Wrong," the least of which isn't that it's impossible to usurp titles from your liege, which is what Jon has been trying to do for the past episode.
  • Jon belatedly notices that the motto of House Gren, "Never Greedy, Always Noble," is "possibly the least Viking thing I've ever heard, but whatever." Also, Count Olaf has no parents on the family tree, so "I was just a child found on the beach or something."
  • With the King of Sweden distracted by several simultaneous wars, Jon starts plotting to kill his liege and gathers co-conspirators, such as a courtier who dislikes King Håkan due to a personality conflict.
    Jon: So, he's Impatient, the king is Patient, so uh, yeah, I see the issue. Honestly, that seems a bit petty to murder him, but apparently he was really, really, annoyingly patient.
  • A feast event fires where Count Olaf finds himself talking about poisons with his daughter Björg, and Jon is thoroughly wierded out when one of the responses is "I am more interested in you..."
    Jon: ...Okay, no, no, don't do that. And also, why would she... Why would she like that? I mean... that's... that strikes me as... Okay, we're just gonna discuss poison, and not incest. Like seriously, even putting aisde the fact that she's my daughter, we really need to stay sweet with the leader of Lappland. We really need his troops to help protect us against Norway.
  • Jon admits raiding his "piggy bank" has got to be sad from the Irish point of view.
    Jon: Every time we come back, we've got more people, and thus carry off more gold. So I'm really sorry about this. Not that sorry. Just a bit sorry.
  • "Sorry, I wasn't even meaning to attack you, I just accidentally went over the border, my mistake!"
  • Jon's priest manages to fabricate a claim on the County of Uppland, which predicatly upsets its current holder.
    Jon: Oh no, the king doesn't like me. He will hold on to this insult for as long as he's alive, which fortunately won't actually be that long.
  • The good news is, Jon's able to incite a riot and get the king killed via "good old-fashioned mob rule." The downside is, "we just kind of broke Sweden right in the middle of a war against Norway, so that's kind of unfortunate."
  • The new King Stenkil gets on well with Count Olaf, which is good, because Jon's about to press a claim against the six-year-old Prince Bo.
    Jon: I hope the king doesn’t object too much to me waging war on his baby brother. But you know what, screw it, I don't care. [...] Also, [the former queen] Emma doesn't like it, because yes, that's Emma's child. But if Emma wants to make a big deal about this, I am happy to talk about her internet browsing history, so she'd better just stay the flip quiet.
  • Jon's not impressed by King Stenkil II's decision to marry a lowborn Finnish woman who's the wrong sort of pagan and can't even provide him a useful alliance, but "true love finds a way, I suppose."
  • Jon needs to raise money to create a duchy title, Norway's armies are busy fighting his liege, and their territories to the west are ripe for the picking. So he sends his troops on a raid while the King of Sweden desperately tries to defend Norrbotten.
    Jon: Good luck with the war, by the way. I'm sure it's gonna go great for you.
  • Jon marries his son Jonn to one of the daughters of the powerful Count of Värend, only to realize he picked the younger daughter, who inherited one county and next to no troops.
  • In the midst of his scheming, Jon happens to check who is the leading candidate to succeed the current king. Turns out it's Prince Bo.
    Jon: ...because we might be able to kill - UH OH. Um... okay, uh, yes, didn't think that one through, did you, Jon? So, um... okay, so the old king definitely can't be allowed to die, got it. 'cause literally everyone's voting for the guy who I invaded, and stole all his stuff, and then forced a Hook on him.
  • Jon doesn't know why Sweden's war with Norway isn't done yet even after Norway has occupied all the territory it's able to, but since the fighting ties up the king's forces...
    Jon: Okay, don't question it, it works in my favor.
  • Then Jon's stunned to find there's now a faction in Sweden that wants to put Count Olaf on the throne of Uppland, and several powerful nobles are aboard with it.
    Jon: Okay, I wasn't expecting this, but the flipping Viking Avengers have just popped out of their portals, and they want all me to have... I don't know why, maybe they like me more?
  • So Jon makes his move, all his allies jump aboard, and he rushes to besiege Sigtuna while King Stenkil is busy with his external problems, and hopefully before those problems reach Jon.
    Jon: If [Norway] actually comes to attack me now im going to be so flipping annoyed...
  • While checking on the wider world, Jon is surprised that the Irish duchy of Munster now controls Cheshire.
    Jon: So Ireland has sort of gone and colonized a bit of England. Which is, you know what, historically, fair enough, we deserve that.
  • After his short but victorious war, Jon has all the territories to the Duchy of Uppland, but King Stenkil still has the title. So Jon resorts to... asking politely for it, and the "surprisingly chill" king hands it over without further complaint.
  • To wrap things up, Jon moves his capital from Sund to the more advanced Sigtuna, and renames his domain from Åland to...
    Jon: Now we are the Duke of Owland and nobody can criticize me, because this is officially Owland! We're gonna put an owl on the flag, I am now pronouncing it correctly.
• Part 5 - Sweden of Iniquity
  • Jon kicks off the episode with a list of "The Things That Jon Did Right!", namely securing a duchy and the integrity of his empire, through "possibly the most ridiculously long-winded way imaginable."
  • Sweden as a whole is still getting its ass kicked by Norway in a holy war, and while Jon could send his mighty army in to help his liege directly, he can't help but notice that Norway's capital is right in a border territory, and currently undefended...
    Jon: Keep an eye on that up there, while we just, y'know, make giant piles of other people's money.
  • Prince Bo is still the leading candidate to be the next King of Sweden, and still hates Jon over that whole war thing. Then Jon remembers he has a hook on the guy, and Bo is single...
    Jon: Oh flip me, oh flip the flip out of me. I can get the next King of Sweden hooked up, matrilineally, to my flipping granddaughter! [...] Oh flip me, this is accidentally perfect!
  • An event fires where Prince Adalvard decides to murder a peasant during a hunt. After pondering whether to get rid of his heir in a Hunting "Accident", Jon isn't confident his favorite candidate would replace Adalvard, and ultimately hides the truth about his son. And then the final event of the hunting chain fires.
    Jon: And I gain Prestige from being revitalized, from... covering up the murder. I feel like that would stress me out more, to be honest, but whatever.
  • "Oh, Sweden is... Sweden might be collapsing, a bit, at the moment, which is a problem. [...] But yeah, Sweden has been occupied by, uh, by Wales, right now. The only bit of Sweden that's actually you know, Sweden, which I think is causing problems for everybody, actually."
  • When the first jihad kicks off, Jon can only comment "the thing that isn't the title of the game has occurred."
  • After Olaf's beloved wife died, Jon had him remarry purely to have an extra manager in court, and is caught off-guard when Duchess Linda pops out a daughter.
    Jon: We shall name you Surprise, which is the polite way of saying "Accident."
  • Oh top of the Norwegian holy war and various British powers piling in over the Inner Hebrides, Jon's holding in Finland gets hit by raiders.
    Jon: We're being attacked by too many sides, and Sweden can't do anything because they've only got one county. That one's kind of my fault, in some ways, I feel like some of the eggs I have laid are coming home to roost.
  • Jon decides to take the Duchy of Skåne off Denmark, mobilizes his mighty army, and immediately has to wonder "how am I losing that much money?"
    Jon: Oh, oh good, it turns out I read that completely wrong... okay. So that's um, that's much more expensive than I was expecting. Okay, so we need to wrap up this war in eight months.
  • Jon decides Duke Olaf will lead the army, to lend his expertise in siegecraft.
    Jon: Like, we're making 2.7% progress daily, that's crazy, and we're gonna make a load of loot when the job's done, too. And-
    ("You have died" screen pops up)
    Jon: ...Well that's sad. Okay, so... I mean... I thought he was fine. But then, I guess it does indeed make sense that, y'know, he was sixty-four. I guess he died peacefully. And when I say peacefully, he was engaged in a siege - he did a lot of sieging! Okay, that's not too surprising, all things considered.
  • While eulogizing the late Duke of Owland, Jon describes how despite some mild-mannered traits, Olaf was indeed a champion of the Viking Age.
    Jon: Because what do you expect Vikings to do? You expect them to get in their boats, go to flipping Ireland, and tear it to shreds until you are rich. And that is what he did, alright?
  • The first thing Jon notices when taking over as Adalvard mid-war is his army's effectiveness dropping due to the new guy's lack of stats. The second thing concerns his alliances.
    Jon: Oh, no, we've, okay, we've lost everything. We've actually lost - okay, that's, that's, right, yes, in that case, get them back on board, please!
  • While belatedly setting Adalvard's lifestyle, Jon discovers the guy is "a Patriarch who is Chaste, so you get more skill points for your children but you don't have children, great, thumbs-up all around."
  • An event fires where Adalvard feels compelled to spill a dark secret to a confidant.
    Jon: Uh oh. How many secrets do I have? Because I might have been doing bad stuff when I wasn't... me.
  • "Guys, seriously, we need to not be fighting amongst ourselves for the time being. In case you haven't noticed, like, Catholics, so many Catholics, everywhere."
  • "I need to think - what would my dad do if he was this badly in debt and needed money?" (cut to Ireland) "Oh, right, yes!"
  • Jon belatedly notices his vassal is being invaded, but before he can respond...
    Jon: Oh good, I think we just lost Finland. Because my liege got himself cocking captured before I could go and help.
  • Jon gets notified that Olaf Adalvardsson is back as the heir, checks his stats, sees that he's inferior to his sister...
    Jon: I mean... just in theory... (opens the Scheme menu) Oh, I can't murder him because he's my own child. I think you need a special perk for that.
  • "We do have enough money to get rid of the debt, we just need to come home and bank it. But while we're here, we might as well take out the last two [settlements]. One day, I promise we will stop looting Ireland whenever we need some extra cash. I promise, one day we will. [...] Alright, 'bye guys, see you in a few months!"
  • Jon disinherits Adalvard's son Olaf in favor of his Brave, Ambitious Giant of a sister, and remarks "This whole 'sucession' thing could have been a lot easier, going to Adalvard, had I actually realized that yes, I could have done this at any time, actually. So that's unfortunate."
  • After half an hour panicking that no one wants to form a marriage alliance with him, Jon has an "impromptu, last-minute episode of Lets Talk About All The Things Jon Got Wrong" when he realizes his options were so limited because he'd left the "My Religion Only" filter on.
• Part 6 - Cruel to be Gavelkind
  • When reminiscing about Duke Olaf, Jon assures us that while the game may say he died peacefully of old age, he really "died doing what he loved, which is murdering and robbing Catholics." Meanwhile Adalvard doesn't get a hat until he's distinguished himself.
  • At least the war for Skåne was successful.
    Jon: So New Owland is looking good, and by "good" I mean, Control is um, absolutely terrible. So we're basically getting nothing out of this place.
  • As for Sweden in general, it's surrounded by enemies and led by an incompetent, weak king who doesn't own enough land to raise the armies needed to defend his realm.
    Jon: Now, that is partially my fault, I'm going to admit, because I may have murdered the old king. [...] Mainly, however, it was the fault of gavelkind, because like three kings died in fairly rapid succession, so the Swedish lands got a bit divided up. Not my fault, gavelkind's fault, let's just blame gavelkind.
  • After spending the previous episode fretting about gaining alliances by marriage, Jon remembers that you can just ask neighboring rulers if they want to enter an alliance.
  • It also turns out you can change your dynasty name and motto at any time, so House Gren's motto becomes "In this house, we earn hats."
  • Jon's annoyed when he notices he's married two family members to a set of twins in the same dynasty. He also realizes "There's no such character as Jondolf, that's just Jonn. Wait, who was marrying this person? Lindolf! Sorry, I sort of merged my brothers together there, sorry about that."
  • Jon decides to commission an epic about House Gren, but gets a little over-enthusiastic clicking confirmation buttons.
    Jon: And not just any epic, no, a mighty, great epic, make it - that was 50 and another 100 on top, wasn't it? Right, we're back in, we're back in debt at this point. Good, good-good-good. I accidentally just put myself back in debt there. Good, I'm just thrilled about that.
  • The epic's chronicler asks Jon whether to emphasize Adalvard's great-great-grandfather's cunning or honor.
    Jon: I mean, you say that, are you like, a hundred percent sure? Because, like, beyond my father we literally don't have a family tree, we're just making this up.
  • When even the Holy Roman Empire declares a holy war on a Swedish duchy, Jon has to admit "I'm staring to suspect Sweden is beyond salvation."
  • In some typical CK III bordergore, Lappland seizes Desmond off Ireland, which dismays Jon.
    Jon: The problem is, now you're going to be raiding Ireland all the time, aren't you?
  • Jon, who views Adalvard's Chaste trait as a virtue under gavelkind succession, is horrified when his concubine Linda becomes pregnant, and immediately dismisses her from his court. Problem is, young Ragnhild is still counted as a legitimate heir, and now Jon can't disinherit her because Linda is no longer within Jon's realm.
  • Good news is, the King of Sweden finally manages to find an ally in Estonia. Bad news is, Estonia is "losing literally all of its wars."
  • "I've got bad news for you, Malthe. Which is, guess what helps me unwind after a really, really long day?" (clicks "Execute") "That's right, it's murder!"
  • "This is just beautiful. So Sweden, yes, signs a relationship with Estonia, and two minutes later, Estonia has basically collapsed in two. So that's, that's wonderful, that's wonderful right there."
  • "Okay, so the king is fascinated by horsehoes, that sounds like something the King of Sweden would bloody do, yes."
  • As Jon fears, he's not the only pagan ransacking Ireland.
    Jon: Um, excuse me! This is my piggy bank, actually! You don't just get to come here and raid this stuff! I've been raiding here for flipping decades, at this point! Please get out! The bloody cheek of it...
  • The episode takes a turn when Denmark takes advantage of Jon being out raiding to try to retake Skåne, but despite some nail-biters, with the help of his liege and allies, Jon's able to repel the invaders.
    Jon: We've actually... we've won a war! I mean Sweden, specifically, just won a war! That feels weird.
• Part 7 - A Broken Heart
  • The good news is that Owland has multiple alliances to keep it secure against raiders, the bad news is that Adalvard is now a 60-year-old drunkard, and his heir is his daughter Ylva, whose eldest son isn't in the dynasty, so that's something to figure out.
    Jon: ...and when I say "figure out," I think we just need to, you know, murder him. Otherwise, yes, problems. Plus, he's terrible, so we're hardly losing anything of value. And we have to do this now, because if Adalvard dies and Ylva takes over, you can't murder your own children without special perks, because apparently you like, I dunno, love them or something, I'm not sure.
  • The problem with feudal politics means that...
    Jon: Also, I can't help but notice that, um... Pietarsaari appears to be, um... 'xcuse me, hi. I can't help but notice that we're allies and you're attacking me. Oh, I see, that war is technically against Sweden, so that's okay, is it? You think it's okay to do that? Bloody hell, they're gonna take it... they're actually gonna take it, we're gonna lose Owland!
  • On the bright side, Jon gets the dynastic succession sorted out.
    Jon: Good good, so my grandson has passed away, excellent. I mean, oh no, we are so sad!
  • "Now Count Alf is also a knight, but not a very good one, but that's kind of good, because if he were to die and we could just like, y'know, get rid of him, I'd be fine with that."
  • Jon decides to commission an updated epic of his house, realizes he can't afford to hire the best storyteller after dropping 50 gold just to start the event chain, cancels the event chain to save up some money, and discovers he can't re-start it for 10 years.
  • While his original county is under enemy occupation, Jon tries to raise money with a Scotish raid but discovers his target is 600 gold in debt, then is notified that Adalvard's unwanted daughter Ragnhild has been captured in his liege's war.
    Jon: Yeah, just keep her! Throw away the key! Don't care! If you'd like to sacrifice her, to like y'know, our pagan gods, I wouldn't mind, to be honest! That'd actually be doing me a favor! I'm not giving money, alright? If he wants money for her, she can just flipping stay, that's no problem at all!
  • Jon's ally Lappland, rather than helping relieve the siege of Owland, tries to call him in to a war against Barcelona of all places. Half an hour later...
    Jon: Yep, there it is. Good old Catalan Lappland. I mean... this is kind of good, in its own way. Because it means these guys are spreading our faith, around the world, which is (snickers) Bloody hell, Lappland, how are you doing this?
  • "My son's fallen ill? Oh, we don't care about Olaf! We kicked him out of the dynasty years ago!"
  • After successfully taking an Asatru holy site, Jon decides to send Adalvard on a pilgrimage to Zeeland.
    Jon: Honestly, we go further than that on a day-to-day basis on our way to the Piggy Bank, so I can't imagine it's particularly dramatic, but maybe like we have to do it on foot, or something. Like, we're treating it like it's pretty bloody epic, I mean well done, music!
  • "Oh, Stenar! Oh, I liked Stenar - oh, he was my friend! I shouldn't have become friends with him, becuase now I'm sad he's dead!"
  • After years of warring, Jon looks over the Gren dynasty family tree.
    Jon: I mean honestly, I consider with the death of Alf nothing of value was lost. Stenar is sad, especially since it caused me to have, y'know, a mental breakdown, and whatnot. And why are you [Ragnhild] not dead yet?!
  • In the middle of praising Count Valdimar for another heroic victory against Norway, Duke Adalvard passes on. Even while eulogizing Adalvard the Unready, Jon admits "nobody's going to Adalvard's funeral, everyone's going to Valdimar's victory parade."
  • So Duchess Ylva takes over Owland, and Jon has to spend a moment gushing over her stats.
    Jon: She is Ambitious, she is Brave, and she is Honest. So... okay, this is good! To be honest, when you are a gallant, military genius, siege engineer giant, you can afford to be honest, because no one's gonna flipping stop you!
  • "Good old Duke Dan, Duke Dan my husband. I feel like that's not actually his name, but at this point he doesn't really dare tell her that his name isn't Dan."
  • While looking at marriage alliances and reviewing the Gallant skill tree that makes Ylva and her dynasty more attractive matches, Jon decides to divorce Duke Dan in favor of someone with better stats.
    Jon: I basically just swapped out my husband for a more intelligent model. So y'know what, that's A-OK.
• Part 8 - Norway, No How
  • Jon starts off by recounting the tragic tale about how Duke Adalvard the Unready drank himself to death after his brother Stenar died in battle, but notes the single lining.
    Jon: One, Valdimar survived, becuase I'm not sure any human being on Earth is capable of taking out Valdimar. The Grim Reaper himself is probably going to try at some point, and Valdimar will kick his ass!
  • While he'd like to go after Norway, Jon doesn't have a proper claim to work with. "But just because we don't have a claim..." So he finds Faste Tostesson, a Swedish pagan with terrible stats but a claim on the Kingdom of Norway, who the gallant, hefty Ylva can Romance with a plot to make him join her court.
    Jon: Okay, this is a bit on the strange side, and I'm starting to feel bad about this. His wife is a dwarf, and basically I, a giant, am about to seduce him, and... I feel like that in some ways is just a lot worse for her. I feel kind of bad for her. But on the plus side, I'm pretty confident she can't actually stop me.
  • "Okay, we need to let this guy know how much we love him. By which I mean, how much we love the claims he's got. [...] Okay, I need to prove this love, to some guy who I'm pretending to love, to basically maneuver some idiot who happens to be of the correct religion onto the throne of Norway."
  • Jon recruits more champions to his court, so only the best warriors will be serving with his armies. "Aside from the guys I kind of don't care about one way or the other."
  • While inspecting the "trash" part of his army, Jon recognizes the former Duke Dan.
    Jon: Oh, that's my ex-husband, Dan... Oh, I'm so sorry! This is a bit mean that you're forced to fight at the age of 54, when you are in fact, yes, wounded and much better-suited to be a thinker than a fighter. But y'know, have fun out there, serve your queen!
  • Jon assumes the only reason Ylva has a 72% chance to win a mock-fight with Valdimar is that he's letting her win. And then she goes and fails the dice-roll anyway.
  • How does Jon secure the necessary Prestige to declare war for the throne of Norway?
    Jon: So basically we just went on a really glorious hunt, where I found some poachers and said "Hey, you guys are doing a good job, would you like to show me how to poach?" They were like "This is weird, but okay, I guess we won't say no," and, uh, now I know how to poach more effectively, and that apparently was highly prestigious. So... okay, let's flipping go then, shall we? [...] Okay, we're just messing with Norway at this point, I love it!
  • After a short, one-sided war, King Faste ascends the throne of Norway.
    Jon: Okay, what I want him to do now is, basically as much chaos as possible. I want him to replace dukes, I want him to cause trouble, I don't know how he can really properly, Norse-isize Norway, but we can give it a go, dammit! [...] He's gonna be dead, like, assassinated within two months, I'm telling you right now. Let's see how long he can survive!
  • Jon wraps up the episode by noting all the progress he's made shoring up Sweden and putting Norway on the right path. And due to a noble in Lappland changing their primary title based on their most recent acquisition, "If we want to go on holiday to Barcelona, it's now a lot closer than it used to be."
• Part 9 - Lapp Dance
  • After his success in Norway, Jon starts eyeing opportunities for expansion, like that slice of Lappland that decided it's Barcelona.
    Jon: I mean, it is absolute flipping garbage, to be honest. It's, yeah, it's a tribe, and it's underdeveloped and there's nothing here, but... is that even flipping worth it?
  • When raising money in Scotland, Jon's shocked that, due to Ylva's skill at sieging, it takes longer for her raiders to walk between targets than it takes to knock them down.
    Jon: We just get to take 200 gold home. Right, well... okay, this has worked out beautifully well! We are definitely coming back to Scotland! Alright, Ireland? You are finally safe, because I've found someone better to bully.
  • When Count Valdimar finally passes on, for the first time in his Crusader Kings playthrough history, Jon eulogizes someone he never played as, calling him "the true hero of Sweden," who had "a really good beard."
  • While examining Ylva's male children, Jon concludes that "Orvar, can't help but notice you're not actually that good" compared to his younger brother Tord. But rather than disinheriting him, Jon gives the guy a chance. As a champion.
    Jon: You know what? You do a good enough job, you survive, no problem. If you end up dead, it's your own fault.
  • Jon would like to defend King Faste's claim on Norway, but can't formally join the war due to not being allied with him, and he can't quickly arrange an alliance via marriage.
    Jon: Okay, I could murder his queen in, yeah, eleven-odd months...
  • When Tord sets his sights on Rikissa Elisabetsdotter and Jon confirms that they're not too closely related, she scorns him, giving Jon several options on how to counsel the lad. At first he's incredulous that one option would make Tord officially Vengeful toward a 14-year-old, but...
    Jon: Okay, but then again... Vengful is kind of good for him. And it's virtuous.
  • "Oh my, my culture has entered the High Medieval era! [...] So yeah, if we want to we can now move into Heraldry, so at that point, High Partition, where the vast majority of stuff goes yes indeed, to the primary heir, which is a much better form of gavelkind. Not for us, though, because our king is bloody obsessed with horseshoes!"
  • Jon's annoyed that his attempt to annex a slice of Lappland that's had an identity crisis is requiring him to sail his army all the way to its capital of Barcelona. But then he reframes it.
    Jon: We're just on a Mediterranean holiday. Y'know what, you deserve it [Ylva], that's A-OK!
  • But almost as soon as he lands his invasion force on the Spanish coast, his target's borders change colors, and he gets a notification that a neighbor has lost a war.
    Jon: ...Oh. Right. The Holy Roman Empire was also taking Barcelona, so I'm now just... now I'm standing in Holy Roman Empire territory. We should leave, by the way, we should definitely leave.
  • When Jon checks on Norway, he's flabbergasted that the ruling nobility have all converted to the old Norse faith (or as he puts it, "drunk the Kool-Aid"), but have a new Catholic king. Good news is, his "soulmate" Faste is wandering around and willing to join Jon's court.
    Jon: Could we just reinstall you, like, immediately?
  • "I am fully aware, by the way, that what I am about to do I do not completely need to do. But, I just kind of want to go and do a bit of raiding in England anyway, alright? It just strikes me as a thing that Vikings ought to do."
  • When panning back towards home, Jon can only react with an "Ohhhh bloody hell!" when he sees that Lappland has gotten quite a bit bigger.
    Jon: ...So. There's no Norway anymore - well there is, but it's tiny! Oh, look at it! He got to keep [Ovre Dalarna] because that's not de jure Norway! Oh my goodness, that's literally all of Norway that's left! Because the title didn't get destroyed, because - oh my. Oh, lookit the little Norway! Okay, seriously - King of Sweden, now is the time to take that bit of land back!
  • While raiding Scotland again, Jon's outraged that his newest territories back in Sweden are under siege, and hurries home.
    Jon: Y'know what, no, I'm not having it, I'm going in right now. [...] It would appear to me that you are all actually dead! Because I am a mighty, unstoppable, amazonian warrior-giant, and you are not going to invade my cocking territory! Also, I just accidentally raided some of the Holy Roman Empire, which I probably shouldn't have done, to be honest.
  • Jon's impressed the ruler of the mega-county of Lais (formerly Norway and Lappland) is personally holding 24 county titles, and is actually going to war for another, "because obviously he doesn't have enough right now."
  • Despite a past assurance, once Ylva gets a specific trait, Jon decides to "go tell Ireland the news that I've just become a Viking. Which does rather raise the obvious question of what the hell I was before and what does that mean now."
  • Jon equates his previous attempts to destabilize Norway as a "surgical strike..."
    Jon: ...but actually it turns out, ah, some random count from Lappland had the better idea, which was just run into Norway, screaming, with a sledgehammer, then take literally all of it, and squat on it. Because Lappland now looks like this, which is so dumb I kind of love it. Well done, you magnificent bastard!
• Part 10 - The Dane of My Existance
  • In the midst of a war for the duchy of Lappland, a petty king tells Jon that Ylva's husband Harald is a cannibal. Jon only notes "I wasn't really expecting that" before getting back to the fighting. Minutes later, someone murders Harald, and Jon worries about Ylva's stress level.
    Jon: Only 13 [Stress]? Well, I guess I recently learned he was a cannibal. So you know what, it's fine, at least I learned he's not gonna murder and eat me, so that's positive. Though I will say, I do feel a bit sad about that, Harald was a good egg, he did some good work for us. I was expecting him to outlive me, given that he's, y'know, not a giant. Though to be honest, I probably don't care 'cause right now I'm in a bit of a berserker Viking frenzy where I'm just murdering people.
  • In the aftermath of the conquest of Lappland, Jon gives away direct control of too many counties, which adds Stress due to Ylva's "Ambitious" trait. Then he realizes marrying your realm priest doesn't give you any benefits in your council's Spouse slot, so he divorces said priest, which makes him stop backing Ylva. Then Ylva's mental breakdown hits, so Jon decides to confess of his extramarital affair with the ex-king of Norway, which leads to...
    Jon: There we go, I've-
    ("Imprisoned!" event hits)
    Jon: ...Okay. Um, I'll admit, I wasn't expecting to be thrown in prison for that. I feel like that was an overreaction by the king, okay?
  • Jon decides to accept a weak hook on Ylva in exchange for her release, and immediately gets a letter from his liege admitting that he's "grown fond of your company."
    Jon: Right, well, do not start flirting with me, unless - well. Unless you'd like to marry me. Are you single, by any chance? No he's not, but his wife does have Lover's Pox, so I see why he might be interested in trading up to a sexy, sexy giant like me.
  • "Also, what the bloody hell have I done? Because right now Lappland is being run by a six-year-old child with 87 troops. This is, this is just marvelous."
  • A few minutes after that, Jon receives a notification that his "soulmate" Faste has passed away.
    Jon: ...and the void will never heal, but on the plus side it was only 13 Stress to represent the fact that we didn't actually like him that much, to be honest. I think he might have died in prison, 'cuase he was also arrested when I was arrested when the adultery came out, but I didn't bother to actually, y'know, ransom him or anything.
  • Half an hour into the episode, Jon's northern neighbor is now the High Chieftain of Viken.
    Jon: Yeah, Norway is just gone for some reason, possibly it also breaks down if, you know, something something something. Meanwhile this kid holds seven duchy titles but only one county, and one of his only two vassals, meanwhile, holds twenty-one counties but no duchies. This is... okay, I have done terrible, terrible things to Norway, and I'm starting to feel sorry for that.
  • Meanwhile the late, great Valdimar's son comes of age, "and if you looked up 'disappointment' in the dictionary it would just be a picture of this kid."
  • Jon needs more land for his dynasty, but doesn't want any tribal junk, or land that would bring his borders closer to anyone dangerous. And he can't help but notice that "just sort of hiding up on the edge of the map hoping nobody would notice them... Iceland! Hello there, Iceland!"
  • While checking what's happening in the Byzantine Empire, we get our first ever hedgehog in a Crusader Kings game.
    Jon: ...Right! Um. So! Uh. Yes! There's... just as you may have guessed, from the sudden appearance of the hedgehog, uh, right here, there is a nudist religion, which this guy is... why are you naked?! 'cause I can see what your religion says, and it's not nudity! [...] So they're trying to start some nudist craze, but it's not all catching on. This is all very peculiar! Sorry, what was I doing before now? I've just been completely distracted and thrown-off by the nudity.
  • In the midst of his conquest of Iceland, the husband who Ylva only married to be her accountant triggers the "A Sensual Proposal" event. Jon chooses the "I tire of these games" response.
    Jon: I'm going to be honest, mate, I didn't actually bring you over here to do the lovey-kissy thing, you're just supposed to be here to help out with administration. So please stop trying to seduce me.
  • As Ylva the Brave is now 63, Jon decides to go on one last adventure with her - a "lovely holiday" into the heart of England!
    Jon: I think Ylva is just having a really nice time right now, I think this is, you know, what she wanted to do with her life, dammit. [...] Oh and here's the big one, Cambridge, yes! Burn it to the flipping ground, you stupid bastards! "Captured skilled slaves," from Cambridge? No no no, they're useless, they'll just mess everything up, just take the money, it's more valuable than Cambridge students.
  • But a war between Denmark and Sweden keeps Ylva busy, and her martial prowess only continues to grow.
    Jon: I'm now a Strategist, by the way, I just got better at fighting during this battle.
• Part 11 - The Roman Gambit
  • Jon starts off the episode by admitting he "massively underestimated the power of Ylva," by giving her a "farewell tour" in England, then watching her trash a Danish army twice her size. And the Prestige earned from those victories have made her official Exalted Among Men, allowing her to declare war to claim a kingdom-level title.
  • Jon is currently above his domain limit, but he does have a solution to that:
    Jon: Bye, Thomas, sorry about this. (hits Divorce button) But to be perfectly honest, yeah, I'm just swapping husbands to whatever I need at the time.
  • When looking for allies, Jon realizes he can form an alliance with the now-grown Raghnhild, Ylva's half-sister.
    Jon: Admittedly, we got off on the wrong foot when I deliberately left her in prison to die, but like, y'know, we can be friends now, it's fine.
  • Ylva unsurprisingly wins the Owland Invasion of the Kingdom of Norway, then Jon's taken aback when it looks like he's accidentally declared himself independent from his liege, but after finally pressing the accept button, he's pleased to have created "Mega-Sweden."
    Jon: Now... I can't deny, the thought has occurred to me - why am I not ruling Ludicrous Mega-Sweden?
  • But Jon decides (after finding he can't start a Plot against someone Ylva has befriended and defended in battle) that fighting his liege would be out-of-character.
    Jon: No, Ylva is happy to see an expansive, secure, glorious Sweden, and more importantly, Norway not existing!
    (Gilligan Cut to...)
    Jon: Oh, here's fun, by the way! Um, the Kingdom of Norway's back! Because, he just - you [King Håkan II] just created it, didn't you? You absolute cocking idiot!
  • Jon tries to send Ylva on a pilgrimage/vacation to Zeeland, but sees an opportunity for more expansion.
    Jon: I know I keep saying "only one more war," but this time I mean it, probably!
  • So Jon declares war on the Holy Roman Empire over the long-occupied duchy of Småland, even though they're allied with the Byzantine Empire. And despite the odds against him...
    Jon: This is actually madness. Ylva is going to defeat a coalition of the two emperors! Western and Eastern Rome, together, defeated - well, not Western Rome because Rome is not technically involved - but y'know, a western Rome, and an eastern Rome, it's pretty bloody good!
  • Jon's confused when he uncovers a plot to kill one of his prisoners.
    Jon: Okay, I've got a good solution to this problem. [...] Um, this guy's like, he's pretty much a nobody, he's like worth ten - right, if someone wants to kill him, I'm just gonna like, y'know, save you the trouble. Right, so we've burned him at the stake, job done.
  • Just when things look to be wrapping up, "Oh flip me, he actually showed up! The Byzantines are actually here! Constantinople has come to Sweden!"
  • But Ylva is ultimately victorious, so, crossing over with Awesome:
    Jon: Okay, this is it, I mean surely... I think is the fourth time I've said this now, but this must be Ylva's most glorious victory! She just kicked the ass of the Holy Roman Empire, and the Byzantine Empire, on the same day!
  • Jon decides to reward one of his head-ripping champions with the reclaimed duchy of Småland, checks the guy's history, and...
    Jon: Also, apparently I was briefly married to Thomas, I'd forgotten about that. I do kind of, you know, get through the husbands a bit on the fast side.
  • At the end of the episode, Jon examines the now 77-year-old Ylva and wonders if "Death himself is scared of her."
• Part 12 - The Unexpected King
  • Jon can only summarize the previous episode as "Ylva basically created Mega-Sweden, and then punched an emperor in the face, and then punched another emperor in the face, and then killed the King of Bulgaria, because she flipping can."
  • Jon's a little perplexed that Ylva has picked up the "Novice Hunter" trait after a hunt in which she failed to actually catch anything.
  • Jon's also confused when, after a battle with Luxembourg, he's informed that one Duke Gislari of Frisia has been captured.
    Jon: I'm pretty sure he's dead, right? Okay, well, we captured his body. But yeah- (mouses over the "cause of death" info) -we ripped off his head. I'm moderately confident he's not in prison.
  • "Thomas has ripped off yet another head! We should be keeping track of this - anyone keeping track of how many heads have been ripped off? Because I feel like that's a stat the game should be tracking."
  • Jon would like to reform the Asatru faith, but needs to control another holy site to do it. There's one in Zeeland, but he could only conceivably grab it if France got itself good and distracted by something.
    Jon: Seriously, France, there's so much Spain, just chilling out, right here! Why don't you go and attack it? Might be good for a laugh!
  • Some dramatic music heralds the "Bleeding Out" event, in which a soldier is at risk of bleeding to death, and one of Ylva's courtiers wishes to help.
    Jon: Count Orvar wants to get involved. I mean, he's fairly clever to be honest, he's apparently a - oh. I thought that was Physician, no, he's a Torturer. And a Murderer. And a Blademaster... I'm going to be honest, I feel like he's not gonna do his best work here.
  • Jon's various schemes and wars have really messed with Denmark.
    Jon: Oh, fantastic, their incompetent, inbred king now has a drinking problem, too!
  • When King Håkan II passes on, the bad news is Mega-Sweden's gone, and the Kingdom of Norway's back. On the upside, this means the holy site in Trændheim is now up for grabs...
    Jon: I'm really sorry about this, I kind of would like for us to be friends, but I also really want this holy site as well.
• Part 13 - The Great Murder Vacation
  • Having three holy sites is only the first step in reforming a faith, you also need a lot of Piety. And since Asatru likes human sacrifice...
    Jon: Oh, Denmark, I am sorry, but I can't help but notice you've got five separate courts across, what is that, six or seven counties? So that there, that there is perfect.
  • "So I know there's no actual money here, can we raid it regardless, or is that like against the rules? ...No, that's just against the rules, 'cause it's been too raided. Okay, so go over here, we're gonna hit these guys instead, it's fine. Sorry, forgot we raided you like two and a half minutes ago."
  • "Oh, we got some people! Hang on, did we just get - oh, we just got two! Including a baby! Babies are always worth more." (hits "Execute")
  • While his raiding party moves deeper into northern Germany, Jon can't help but notice that they're close to the Holy Roman capital.
    Jon: Hang on, there's... I mean... while we're here... oh, there's a child! Murder! Murder her!
  • After raking in the Piety to customize the reformed Asatru faith, Jon has to ponder the meaning of the "Sky Burials" tenat.
    Jon: I assume this means that when Ylva eventually passes on - if she passes on, like, ever - then we just load her into a catapult and fling her off into space.
  • "Oh! Okay, yeah - apparently people really jumped onto that 'gender equality' thing, because the first Viking Pope is a woman! Flipping love it!" Specifically, she's a Lesbian Viking Pope.
  • Good news is, Ylva's influence on the reformed Viking faith pushes it toward better gender equality. Bad news is, "I do have a daughter that's not of my dynasty because of Ylva's first marriage... so, she's now the primary heir." So he has to immediately backpedal and change the realm's inheritance laws to male preference.
  • "I'm increasingly suspicious that Ylva might actually be unkillable, alright? At some point Death tried to approach her on the battlefield, and she beat the hell out of him."
  • Jon then speculates that Ylva might live another five years to see a second Grand Temple completed. Cue the "You have died" screen.
  • So Duke Orvar takes the stage, who Jon immediately feels sorry for, because "it doesn't matter what he does in his life, it's going to seem pathetic next to his mother."
  • While Ylva's other son Tord is a hulking berserker, Orvar has gone a different route with his skills.
    Jon: Orvar, he's a more sophisticated murderer, alright? He's more knife-in-the-back, fancing, stuff like that.
  • Orver is also specced in the Torturer tree of the Intrigue line, which would allow him to gain Dark Secrets from his victims. Except Orvar doesn't have any secrets ready to use when Jon takes control of him.
    Jon: That would suggest that I dedicated a significant portion of my life to being a torturer, but I've never bothered torturing anybody. Well, if there's anyone in the prisons, we're sorting that out right the flip now! Who's this guy? Does anybody know why he's here, because, yeah, we're gonna torture him, right now, so...
    (a tooltip pops up)
    Jon: Okay, I gain Stress from torturing, because I'm Generous. Orvar, you are a strange contradiction of a man. Right, that's probably why he hasn't been torturing people, 'cause it literally stresses me out to do the thing I need to do. Right, Orvar, we need to figure you out, because you're an odd one.
  • As the episode winds down, Jon makes an unwelcome discovery in the aftermath of his religious reformation.
    Jon: Um, I can't help but notice, but, um... where's my raiding gone?! Oh flip me, did I just reform raiding out of existance?!
• Part 14 - Don't Lose Your Head
  • Jon insists that Duchess Ylva didn't so much die as she was called to lead the Valkyries, probably to help Valdimar do some conquering in the afterlife. As for the new Duke Orvar, "let's just say he's not as popular as she was."
  • In an episode of "Let's Talk All About The Things That Jon Forgot Existed," he recounts how last time he got stressed gathering the Piety to reform his religion, but could have hit the "reset perks" button to pick up "Prophet" immediately.
  • "Also, don't forget that Sweden is at war with Denmark right now, but honest, I kind of don't care 'cause, they're not going to be able to do anything to me."
  • While France is distracted by a war with Poland, Jon tries to swipe Zeeland, learns that his economy can't handle the strain of the massive army Orvar inherited, and when it comes time to siege enemy holdings, is appallled at the slow rate of progress.
    Jon: Ylva, come back, I miss you.
  • These plans are derailed when France loses its war with Poland, and it turns out the invaders weren't pressing a claim on a county.
    Jon: Okay, say hello to Mega-Poland. There's now Mega-Poland. Is there still a France, by the way? No, that is an independent French county, I suspect it's going to be eaten very, very soon indeed. Um... okay. Do I want to, y'know, try and do this regardless, because... Hmm. Okay, how many friends do you have? You're friends with Georgia, Georgia has got some troops, you're also friends with - Bohemia's got a lot of troops. I feel like this might be one of those coward times, actually.
  • When renegotiating his feudal contract with his liege, Jon sees an option that gives him more troops while also paying less taxes, but decides "I'm suspicious there's a downside that I'm not seeing," and leaves it alone.
  • "Just gotta give a shout-out to King William IV of England, for having a magnificent beard, that is a great beard-mustache combo, there. That is lovely. Though then again, speaking of England, I can't help but notice that England isn't really as strong as it used to be..."
  • After trying to work out how to scheme his way into taking over the Kingdom of Sweden, Jon realizes "I'm the dynasty head!" and can just Claim the title in a power play.
  • In the resulting civil war, Jon goes head to head with Duke Tord.
    Jon: Oh bloody hell, that's... yeah, that Tord. Yeah, my brother. Who's also very good at murder. Who's actually currently commanding - oh bloody hell. It's gonna be brother versus brother, this is getting dramatic!
  • To shore up his warchest, Jon tries to demand payments from nobles Orvar has hooks on, only to find that would cause Stress due to the duke's traits.
    Jon: This bloody Generosity is going to literally be the death of me.
  • At the Battle of Läckö, no less than four of Jon's champions get their heads ripped off by Tord the Berserker. And "obviously Fake Valdimar didn't die, the one guy it would have been nice to get killed."
  • As the fighting rages, nobles die, and Orvar's wife announces a pregnancy, Jon concludes "I've kind of screwed over Sweden here, I'm not gonna deny, which is a shame 'cause I'm about to be running it."
  • After successfully claiming the crown of Sweden, Jon is informed that his primary heir isn't part of his dynasty, because...
    Jon: Oh. Yes. Election. Um. Okay. We might need to, might need to rig the election...
  • "Though I've also got too many holdings again, because counts keep dying. Because Tord keeps ripping their heads off. Yeah, Tord just wiped out half the nobility of Sweden in a series of fights, that's the power of a really strong commander, right there."
  • Jon wraps up the episode by noting that he might need to reorganize the Swedish nobility, "Becaus some of these people seem like they're going to hate me forever. So, as, y'know, I've got a bit of an education in Intrigue, and as I'm a Murderer, and a Torturer, and all the rest of it, let's just say there might need to be a few 'accidents' in Sweden over the years."
• Part 15 - A Smallpox on Both Your Houses
  • The good thing about Orvar being a known murderer is that Jon "can't see a problem with what I'm about to do."
  • Jon's able to convince one of his counts to become a kid's ward and convert to the reformed Asatru faith in the bargain, which the count is happy to do so. "And when I say 'happily,' yeah, Terrified is +100 [Acceptance], so he wouldn't have accepted if he weren't absolutely flipping terrified of me. But it's fine, I'm sure it's all A-OK."
  • Jon gets some news from his wife Gurli.
    Jon: You have one job, and your one job was to not be pregnant, because you're 37 and Chaste! Oh bloody hell... seriously, keep it in your pants, we do not need more children, they are confusing the inheritance!
  • The episode gets its title from an even where Court Frederik, who was imprisoned and forced to change faith by Jon, sets up a catapult and flings a diseased corpse into his front yard.
    Jon: ...I feel like this should be a crime, that we should be able to, y'know, punish him for, because that's, that's weird, and also really dangerous. But, um... okay.
  • "Also, I should have a doctor. Especially as, yes, smallpox is literally being launched into the country right now. So we should definitely have a doctor, yes."
  • As the stress of kingship begins to get to Orvar, Jon decides to take a moment to hold a hunt.
    Jon: (looking at Orvar's death screen) But on the other hand, maybe, maybe not...
  • When examining his past characters, Jon notes that they seem to alternate between lackluster and absolutely amazing, "so if we keep that pattern going... oh, Johann, you are going to be spectacular."
  • When trying to mollify his vassals, Jon sees that Tord the Head-Ripper is upset about his levy obligations.
    Jon: Okay, Tord, we can review your contract, potentially. Yep, I'm willing to... that's literally ten men. Tord. Come on. Chill the flip out, man.
  • There's a load of prisoners cluttering up the dungeon, too poor to be worth a decent ransom. Jon considers releasing them if they convert, or alternatively...
    Jon: Oooh, hang on... I was just saying I needed some Dread, that some Dread would be, y'know, useful. If these people are just some random nobodies...
  • Jon gets the "Promising Prospects" perk that improves Johann's marriage attraction. Which means it's time to ditch his old wife and trade up.
    Jon: At this point, I am pretty much now the most marriagable man in the world. Because, yes indeed, I am so, so sexy. So people should just be throwing themselves at me. I don't know what the Kingdom of Mordvinia is, but yep, they are just desperate to get involved with me right now.
• Part 16 - Murder Mystery
  • Right at the start we get "Let's Talk About All The Things That Jon Thankfully Didn't See," where he acknowledges that King Orvar was briefly engaged to his own daughter without Jon noticing.
    Jon: Orvar was... he was an odd fellow. A torturer who didn't particularly enjoy torture, and a schemer who wasn't very good at scheming. So maybe, maybe best we... move straight on to Johann! A man who hasn't married his own daughter!
  • When naming Johann's warhorse, Jon goes with Boreas, the Greek god of the north wind, over Sleipnir, the name of Odin's own horse. As the YouTube comments section points out, this might help explain what happens to Johann over the course of the episode.
  • Jon gets "The Foragers" event during a hunt, and chooses Prestige at the cost of popularity, noting that "I've started my reign by driving peasants out of their own forest."
  • Jon forms alliances not so much to pursue Sweden's national interest, but under the logic "the more allies I've got, the more wars they'll pull me into, and the more Prestige I can gain by doing so."
  • Jon gets a third event concerning Johann's horse, leading him to declare "apparently I'm now just playing a horse-based RPG and I had no idea."
  • In the middle of a land-grab in Scotland, the "Killer in our Midst" event fires.
    Jon: "Another" murder? When was the first murder?! No, seriously, who was the first person to die, because apparently there's a serial killer in the castle, and this is the first time I've been told about it!
  • "No, seriously, there's a murder mystry going on in my court, this is amazing. Yeah, another body has been found in the castle. So... okay, this is interesting, 'not an entire human.' So I'm guessing we are dealing with, y'know, a cannibal. That reminds me, I should just very quickly double-check - I'm not a cannibal, right? No, I am not a cannibal, I have got literally no secrets, good, excellent. Just wanted to know it wasn't me who did it before we start investigating too hard."
  • Hopes that Mega-Poland will be split into its component kingdoms by succession laws are dashed when Jon notices what's been happening on the continent.
    Jon: So, it would appear that, uh, Mega-Poland has decided to level itself up. It's reached Level 36, it's evolved into an empire. So, okay, Mega-Poland is no more, instead a Polish guy is now the first Emperor of Francia.
  • Johann's Dread is going down, but luckily he has some prisoners in the dungeon.
    Jon: So you can be beheaded, there we go, praise Thor, and as for you, I don't even know where you came from, but you're a bit Catholic, but you've been in here - wow, over a year. Sorry about that, should have gotten around to executing you sooner.
  • An "Ill: Disastrous Treatment" event fires, and Jon's first response is to the patient's name.
    Jon: Okay, a different Orvar, we didn't dig up Orvar... oh, that's my son! Sorry, I forgot my son was - oh. Can we change that? Certain facts have come to light about Orvar the First...
  • "Also, um, how long have we owned this bit of Ireland?"
  • Jon debates whether to install Johann's brother Tord the Head-Ripper onto the throne of Norway, even though the guy's a 66-year-old giant.
    Jon: Don't forget, this is a son of Ylva. So he's probably still gonna be here in a century.
  • While looking over his council, Jon has to ask, "Does anybody know where my spouse is right now? Um, darling? Darling, your one job is to - is she dead?"
    Jon: Oh, she's being her own liege. Right. So - hang on, as you're your own liege, she's... she's got six. Six men. Okay, darling, I'm going to be honest, but no, this ain't gonna work anymore. So, bye. (hits "Divorce") Okay, so, we're gonna have to find a new wife, again.
  • Jon tries to arrange a "perfect" betrothal between his daughter Katarina and the son of the High Chieftain of Glemajohka, but gets a warning.
    Jon: When I say "perfect," there's, they're related, there's a risk of inbreeding. (beat) Yeah, but on the other hand, alliance!
  • While shopping for his next wife, he's interrupted by the murder mystery event chain.
    Jon: Okay, I was get to the... uh oh. The serial killing is starting to get... serious, as it turns out, because my own son was just murdered. Yes, this is a problem, actually.
  • "It was my brother! How - what, why?! Why would you do that, you were literally the... oh, he was the heir to inherit everything. Oh, okay, fair enough, that's a good motive, actually, I should have been more suspicious of you. Okay, this is fascinating - Rorik was just killing my children, 'cause he wanted to be king, because he was literally robbed of his birthright by his broth- okay, you know what, that's fair."
  • Now Jon has to figure out what to do with his murderous brother to avoid being labeled a Kinslayer, "but we will get to that in a minute, I am trying to go through Tinder right now!"
  • Ultimately, Rorik ends up dead, but not by Jon's hand... directly.
    Jon: I am not a Kinslayer, 'cause I didn't kill him. I just tortured him, and left him in a cell with no medical condition, which is 100% different!
  • Then he's flummoxed that his new successor is some guy named Hans.
    Jon: Oh yeah, the Kingdom of Sweden is um, yeah, that's democracy. I've forgotten that was a democracy.
  • "Oh bloody hell, England's allied to Francia! Well that's not how England and France work!"
  • As the episode winds down, Jon notes that his succession is now pretty shaky.
    Jon: If [Johann] just died mysteriously tomorrow, I would be playing as a one-year-old, Sickly baby. Okay, so I really need to not die.
  • Jon needs more heirs, pronto, and remembers that he's allowed concubines, like his sister-in-law, and Rorik's widow, and someone he divorced earlier.
    Jon: Okay, one of your four needs to produce a son, like, as soon as cocking possible, please! Okay, money's good, go on another hunt, don't need to lose any Stress but keep piling on the Prestige and, ideally, maybe, you know, fresh air, make you feel a bit horny, make you in the mood for a - right, hang on, wife, three concubines - fivesome, in the mood for a fivesome.
    YouTube comment: Oh god, he's made the wife of the man whom he tortured to death and his ex-wife his concubines. Nope, can't see how this will go wrong.
• Part 17 - My Kingdom for a Horse
  • Jon sums up the previous episode as having "good bits and bad bits." On the upside, he's assembled a pagan alliance that ought to be able to stand aginst Catholic Europe if it ever tries a northern crusade, and which he could use to grab kingdom titles to give to his heirs.
    Jon: Speaking of which, desperately need some cocking children, because yes, my brother went mad, because I stole his birthright, and murdered my son. Which is really mean of him, what a dick!
  • Ten minutes into the episode without Johann getting one of his four sexual partners pregnant, Jon has to check his character's orientation.
    Jon: He is into women, so that's fine, so like... take your pick, mate, there's several of them!
  • "And oh my goodness, my horse RPG continues..."
  • Looking at the Polish-French union, Jon wonders - "If France gets to be an empire, why can't I be an empire?"
  • Two concubines and Johann's wife all get pregnant in rapid succession, leading Jon to realize "we may have gone from 'too few children' to 'too many.'" He's also shocked at the appearance of one of his concubines.
    Jon: What the flip happened to you? You are Gout-Ridden, One-Legged and Wounded. What the flip happened to her, she's not a champion!
  • After his third son is born, Jon decides to dismiss all his concubines except for Edla, his Champion.
    Jon: ...because she's really bloody good at murder! And - oh, that's... that probably doesn't bode well for like, y'know, the children of my other wives, to be honest.
  • Jon realizes Sweden now has enough territory across northern Europe that he could consider creating the Kingdoms of Ireland and Scotland, which when combined with the Kingdoms of Norway and Sweden would mean he could give each of his sons their own domain, and still have room for one more.
    Jon: Ooh, Katarina! We can make her a queen! Oh, that would be yes, yes yes yes! Sorry, I forgot Katarina existed there for a second.
  • While preparing to expand toward Finland, Jon notices he doesn't have any prisoners in his dungeon, which leads to a question and an answer.
    Jon: Well how am I supposed to be maintaining my Dread when I've got nobody to murder? Jon, prisoners can be acquired through war! Oh, everything is stacking up nicely!
  • As dramatic music starts playing, Jon receives an important message from his head of faith.
    Jon: Apparently it's time for a Viking Crusade! Honestly I thought we already hd those, but okay, right - the Lesbian Viking Pope has decided we're crusading now! So that's good!
  • Johann's uncle is 77 years old and still kicking ass.
    Jon: Tord just ripped off someone's head! He did the thing, yes!
  • Jon notices that the great Lesbian Viking Crusade is aimed towards Denmark, which he thought would be easy, except it's specifically targeting the Holy Roman Empire's piece of it, which would leave the Vikings slightly outnumbered by all of Catholic Europe. So Jon redirects the holy war toward the nascent Kingdom of Finland, which is in his expansion plans anyway since he wants to form the Empire of Scandinavia.
    Jon: It's all garbage, every single bit of it, complete and total garbage. But, we could have all of it, and nobody's going to come help them, it's basically all their religion has.
  • So Jon spends the last part of the episode trying to hurry up and finish his conquest of Giemajohka before the great holy war for Finland starts, by splitting up his army to siege multiple territories simultaneously. Though the game does this suboptimally.
    Jon: Okay, so we sent all the siege equipment with one guy. Good, good good good, well I'm glad we sent all the siege equipment with one person, that makes a huge amount of sense.
  • Jon wins his conquest of Giemajohka with literally six days to go before the First Great Lesbian Viking Holy War. So his army is still bloodied, his war chest is empty, and the Finns have pulled ten thousand troops from somewhere.
    Jon: So this was... this was a mistake, in many ways.
• Part 18 - The Great Viking Crusade
  • Not only is Jon up against 10,000 defenders in his crusade against Finland, but those defenders are divided between about ten different independent rulers, each with their own retinues of champions to put up even more of a fight.
    Jon: But then again from the other hand, from Tord's point of view, that's just forty people who are about, oh, what is it, maybe eight to twelve inches too tall right now.
  • The current heir presumptive is Johann's half-brother Duke Gudmund, aka "Orvar's happy little surprise at the end of his life." His stats are good, but he hates Johann, and...
    Jon: This guy's basically got 13 years where, if I were to die, or my children were to die, it would be really in his favor. Which is unfortunate, because his Intrigue is 15, which is good, and mine is 0, which is terrible.
  • One of Jon's allies takes his 600 men and invades Finland on his own while Jon is still preparing his army.
    Jon: I mean, that's ballsy of you, well done for trying it! Actually, you know what? This guy, he can be intelligence for me, that's A-OK.
  • Jon gets the "Trusty Mare" event.
    Jon: Okay, seriously, this horse RPG is getting out of hand.
  • "Let's be honest, Orvar was a mistake. We should have been playing as Tord, because, yeah, more and more information comes out, over time, about Orvar and incest. So um yeah, Tord was definitely Ylva's true heir."
  • Once the Great Lesbian Viking Crusade begins, the most entertaining part is the notifications from Jon's champions.
    Jon: And yep, Count Dan did some wounding right there, we are losing some troops. Tord, he maimed someone but didn't tear his head off, Tord, are you feeling alright today? Elin! Ripped a head off, congratulations, Elin. Was that your first head?
  • "You're trying to go over here, you've naffed off over here, you're literally standing there pretending to siege the place but you're not actually doing it..."
  • Jon's dungeon is filling up and he's getting low on Dread, but there's a solution to both problems.
    Jon: Okay, who can pay money for their release? Because if you can pay money, like, y'know, meaningful money, I might be willing to let you out. But plenty of you just want favors. Okay, murder it is, then, good!
  • "Oh, it's the old classic Crusader Kings II gambit, where both sides have invaded the other and, rather than fighting, they've just sieged and counter-sieged."
  • Johann's wife Ingeborg gives him a fourth son, which Jon declares "not useful."
    Jon: His name shall be Spare, because he's literally the spare we don't really need for anything.
  • When Tord Head-Ripper passes away, Jon wonders whether there's any point in continuing the game. His reaction with Gudmund dies on crusade is rather different.
    Jon: My brother died, and I've lost some Stress from it because I was a bit worried about him. Okay, so "died of his wounds," I won't say no, that kind of makes my life a bit easier.
  • Ingeborg pops out Son #5.
    Jon: Please stop producing sons. Okay? You know what, he can be Nils, because that is what he's worth to me, absolutely nil.
  • With the Lesbian Viking Crusade for Finland complete, and the remains of the Kingdom of Norway at peace, Jon immediately usurps the title as per his imperial ambitions, though the result isn't what he was expecting.
    Jon: ...Did I just make you guys independent by mistake? Because I might have done. Yes, yes I think I might have done there, so this here is a good argument for reading tooltips before - okay, so...
  • When Johann earns another Scholarship perk, Jon picks Anatomical Studies, "so no one accidentally kills me with bees."
  • Jon snipes a county in a war so brief that he outpaces the soundtrack.
    Jon: So four, three, two, one, boom, and he has no choice but to surrender because he's out of land, enforce demands, I'll be taking that, thank you. Officially I now own this, and music, you can chill out, the war's over at this point.
  • When Jon gets to visit the tech tree, he has an important question.
    Jon: Oh yeah, what was Scutage? "Republic and vassal taxes up by five percent." Oh joy. At last I can retire and give up this life of crime.
  • Edla gives birth again.
    Jon: Seriously, stop it! Stop producing sons! I have enough sons! I'm going to give this kid the ultimate dishonor - I'm gonna name him after Orvar the Weirdly Incestuous.
  • Right when Jon's fretting about getting the counties and money to form the Kingdom of Sápmi, he learns that he could blow all his gold to create a holy order.
    Jon: I mean, I'd be mad not to do this! Having my own Viking Holy Order just sounds badass! I don't know what it does, but it sounds badass!
  • "And my wife is pregnant again! Please, stop it!"
  • "Scotland, what are you doing? [...] Scotland is building a small empire in the middle of the Holy Roman Empire. That is just downright weird, but I guess they don't have Scotland anymore, so fair enough."
  • The now-Duchess Edla becomes pregnant again.
    Jon: Seriously, Johann, keep it in your pants! You have enough children!
  • While preparing for the next major war, Jon tries to quickly grab Zeeland off England, though it's not all smooth sailing.
    Jon: Okay, I've captured the king's mother, and three other people too, which is great, but I kinda missed that they just went and, uh, yeah, took Zeeland.
  • Queen Ingeborg becomes pregnant, again.
    Jon: Seriously, just stop!
  • Johann's son Loki has a second event where he's been bullied by a little girl, and Jon heaps scorn before reconsidering.
    Jon: Then again, I suppose this is a, you know, a warrior society, she's very good at fighting, everybody's good at fighting, so fair enough.
  • Her Sapphic Popeyness declares another Great Holy War for Denmark, and Jon is happy to go along. Then he checks the relative military strength and finds that, due to the number of Catholic powers ready to defend against him, he'd be outnumbered by 17,000 men.
    Jon: ...Are we sure about this? Yeah, because it's not just [the Holy Roman] Emperor, it's literally everybody else, too. It's... everybody, it's so many people.
• Part 19 - Thinking Outside the Orthodox
  • Jon reiterates that the Lesbian Viking Pope wants a holy war for Denmark, which he dubs "catastrophically dumb" since it would involve fighting potentially all of Catholicism. The best he can do is redirect it against Orthodox Estonia, which would leave his Vikings slightly less outnumbered.
  • "In the meantime, yes, something very odd has happened, which is, yeah - Lais over here, I'm at the same time allied with them and also... at war against them."
  • After dealing with Lais, Jon checks the upcoming Lesbian Viking Crusade's relative army strengths and find...
    Jon: Um. So, that's... there's 30,000 flipping - okay, so... this religion isn't interested in giving up entirely without a fight.
  • Jon also admits that after unlocking High Partition in the previous episode, he completely forgot to implement it.
    Jon: We're literally giving Loki the Netherlands and all of the rest is going to Jonn. That's better than I was expecting! All the rest of you [children] can just screw off!
  • On the eve of the second Lesbian Viking Crusade, King Johann picks up "Melancholic," which imposes a health penalty but unlike a physical illness isn't something you can just get over.
    Jon: Okay, um, y'know, the quest to form Scandinavia might be a bit more urgent than I thought.
  • Jon has to take a moment to gloat that Countess Elin is literally the finest warrior in the world, and she and the next five of the best fighters in the game all work for Jon. "Alright, we're gonna tear off some flipping heads, got it!"
  • "Yeah, we can just go and get on top of them. They're trying to get out, some of them are coming in, some of them are getting out, they don't want to do it anymore. Oh, you don't want to do it anymore, do ya? Oh, you're trying to run, are ya? Yeah, good luck with that - and when I say 'good luck,' I'm not sure I'm actually fast enough to catch them."
  • Prince Loki comes of age as a 16-year-old Drunkard, and also picked up the "Reaver" perk.
    Jon: Who taught you how to do that? 'cause we don't do that anymore.
  • When the first fylkir of the reformed Asatru faith passes away, her replacement remains female, but has a different orientation.
    Jon: Okay, I'm not into it anymore. I'm just not into this crusade now that it's being led by someone who is not a Lesbian Viking. Because what's the flipping point?
  • Jon's second named warhorse gets sick, and due to the budget constraints of the great holy war, he gives up on the horse-based event chain.
    Jon: ...I feel bad now. I liked my horse. My horse was a good horse.
  • "I've got a lot of people in prison right now. But this is good, this is really good! Beacuse, I'm moving toward 'Religious Icon' right here, and every single one of these people I kill is moving me quite a bit in the right direction! I mean, this child right here is worth 250 piety, she was apparently extra holy!"
  • As much as Jon loves the "Comission an Epic" decision, after past experience he knows hot to start it immediately until he's saved up some money. But even after he does so...
    Jon: Seriously, why do they always cost more than I'm expecting them to cost?!
  • Jon's attempt to annex Denmark is interrupted by his children Katarina and Loki shouting at each other.
    Jon: Okay, I can settle this - you're both cocking useless, so just leave me alone!
  • Jon's perplexed when he suddenly has to siege down each settlement in the territory he's occupying, then notices that since he's taking a bunch of individual cities, he's making a lot more money. "Basically, we've unofficially reinvented raiding!"
  • At the end of the episode, King Johann has raked in so much Prestige that he is "utterly so magnificient that there is no more magnificent he can be, he's just as good as it flipping gets!"
• Part 20 - A Tale of Three Empires
  • Jon really wants to form Scandinavia before Johann dies of old age, but he doesn't have any "free" territory left to grab and needs more counties, so...
    Jon: Unfortunately, yeah, we might have to potentially go to war with Estonia, to get back the territory that we literally just fought to make sure that they would have.
  • "Ooh, here's fun! Yes, I'd forgotten that was going to be a thing! So, um, yeah! That's, that's true, it is the early 13th Century. So apparently there are these things, called Mongols, in the world, and that's, that's gonna be fascinating. They are a long way from us - you know, for now - so maybe keep an eye on all of that. I mean, he's only got one county, what's he gonna be able to do with one county? ...And 32,000 men, that's true, 32,000 men as well. And 5,000 gold, to hire mercenaries, if necessary. And a rather impressive 33 in Martial, so... Okay, maybe just keep an eye on that."
  • "Also, um, I know this is a bit of an embarrassing question to ask, but... how long have I had the Empress of Francia in my prison?"
  • "Also, England just owns half of Portugal now, because why wouldn't they, I suppose?"
  • When preparing to annex the chunk of Estonia he needs to make the Scandinavian Empire, Jon notices they're allied to Finland.
    Jon: Wait, I'm also allied to Finland... Okay, if I call in Finland before they call in Finland, does that work?
  • In the midst of his land-grab, the Non-Lesbian Viking Pope calls for another Great Holy War, this time for the Kingdom of Germany.
    Jon: You guys need to chill the flip out! We have had two Great Holy Wars in the past decade or something. Just, just calm down!
  • "Does anybody know I have a daughter called Anna? Because apparently I had a daughter called Anna."
  • After taking roughly half of Estonia, Jon declares he's "petty enough to steal the Petty Kingdom of Estonia."
    Jon: Okay, I must have a useless son who could potentially, you know, be the new Petty King of Estonia. Who wants to be my new useless son? Prince Or- no, not Prince Orvar. That's never a good sign, being called Orvar. What about you, Bagge, you're kind of terrible as well.
  • Jonn declines to join the third Great Holy War and proceeds with his attack on the Holy Roman Empire to get some more counties to make Scandinavia from. This doesn't mean he's out of the holy war, though.
    Jon: This might be the Great Holy War I'm ignoring, happening right now, if I had to guess. I mean it's a shame, because it's going to cause a lot of damage to my territory when they come in and trash the place in order to win the holy war or get the Not-Lesbian Viking Pope to shut up for a minute. Oh bloody hell, are you guys coming to attack me? I'm not even involved, leave me alone!
  • "Yeah, there's... there's a real lack of head-ripping, isn't there? ...I miss Tord."
  • Despite declining the holy war invitation, Johann still racks up some Faith for unofficially participating due to drawing Catholic attention.
    Jon: I don't even know what's happening anymore, we're just murdering people! I've just closed my eyes, and I'm walking forward, swinging my sword, and if anybody's stupid enough to get in the way, well then they get killed! Right, everybody just flipping go!
  • After forty minutes and a very messy war, Jon notices his vassals have been expanding the realm's borders just as he has.
    Jon: Hang on, if people are still taking land, then... I didn't need to do this. Because, somebody else is already expanding. So all I need is... a thousand [gold]. Because I've already got the land. 'cause somebody else went and, went and took it, already. So as a result of that - yeah, it's these guys over here. So, if I just do a white peace right now, that's it, that's actually... Well I'm so glad we did this! Though at the bare minimum, we have killed a lot of Roman Imperials, which is always fun. No, now I want the rest of this, we're flipping having it regardless, I'm winning this damn war!
  • Johann gets the "Know Thyself: Close to the End" event, which adds new urgency to Jon's quest for empire.
    Jon: So this is going to take me a few months... when did I get that alert, by the way? Do I have a date when I'm going to die?
  • It comes down to the wire, but Jon saves enough gold, and gets the Queen of Finland to voluntarily become a vassal, so Emperor Johann spends his last days as the ruler of a united Scandinavia. Though it's not without its flaws.
    Jon: We're gonna need to rationalize this a bit, because... (pans to Finland) Ulster?!
  • While Johann was indeed a living legend, holy warrior, and forger of an empire, Jon will always remember him for "his wonderful, wonderful series of horses, and the horse RPG we got to play while we were still with him."
  • Unfortunately, given House Gren's pattern of alternating long, glorious reigns with short, lackluster rulers, "it's not looking good for Jonn living a long life, to be honest."
• Part 21 - Pope Springs Eternal
  • Jon starts off by admiring the new Empire of Scandinavia, but admits that "below the facade, things do not look, y'know, quite so good. By which I mean Johann did not particularly care about bordergore one way or the other."
  • The new Emperor Jonn's main objective is rationalizing his empire, with a secondary goal of trying "to live longer than eight years" to break the House Gren tradition of alternating long and short reigns. Which may prove a challenge given Jonn's relationship with his vassals.
    Jon: I don't really like having a Spymaster who doesn't like me, but... nobody likes me, to be honest.
  • "You've got all this stupid land, I'd really like to just yeah, revoke some of that, so... if you wouldn't mind committing a crime so I could do that, I'd really appreciate it."
  • Jon gets to thank some "very convenient bars" when he finds nudists in his dungeon.
  • In the middle of trying to wrap up a failed holy war and quash factions within the empire, Jon gets news that the Catholics are targeting him with a crusade.
    Jon: Um... okay. But on the plus side, it's Scotland, okay? It's not the worst thing in the world. If we lose Scotland, then, well, we've lost Scotland, but what can you do?
  • Also, Jonn's nephew Johann Baggeson is being ransomed by an enemy.
    Jon: I'm gonna be honest, you can just keep him, it's fine. We don't need that one, we've got plenty.
  • Jon's able to mollify the faction trying to install someone on the throne of Sweden.
    Jon: That was looking dicey! Thank goodness I had all these spare sisters sitting around to toss at people.
  • "Emperor Jonn's reign was supposed to be, y'know, chill, by the way, after the slightly manic rule of Johann. Jonn was supposed to be chill, he was supposed to be administrating, it was not supposed to be... this!"
  • Forty minutes into a harrowing episode, Jon notices that one of Jonn's secrets is "apparently I don't believe in the religion I'm now defending, so that's a good start to a Great Holy War defense, marvelous!"
  • "Oh, good. Good, good, good! I'm so glad that we've got smallpox! It's Ingfrid, send her to the doctor... she is the cocking doctor!"
  • "The Pope doesn't really seem to know what he's doing, so, if we just get over here, where they're sort of... okay, they're sort of going straight on and then off the boat, and I don't really know why."
  • "Alright, I believe in you - I don't really believe in you. I believe you can win this, I just don't know whether I believe if, yeah, the reinforcements show up..."
  • Turns out battle modifiers from terrain and commanders don't mean much when you're outnumbered by 20,000 men.
    Jon: Here we go, yes, massive advantage to me, it completely doesn't matter! (laughs) It doeesn't matter in the slightest.
  • In the end, despite a Curb Stomp Cushion or two, Jon loses against the crusaders and "there's now a brand-new, hot purple Catholic Scotland." And then he has to admit defeat in a smaller holy war against Scandinavian holdings in Germany.
    Jon: So yes, our reign has begun by constantly surrendering everything. That's what we're gonna do. We're just gonna have to surrender literally everything.
• Part 22 - The Disgrace of Emperor Jonn
  • As punishment for losing Scotland, which Ylva and Johann worked so hard to integrate into the empire, Jon sends Jonn to the barbershop and puts him in the "Rags of Shame," removes his crown, and declares "you can keep some, but not all of your hair."
  • "Who's the new ruler of Finland, then? Queen Tuulikki. Okay, I like that name, that's a good name!"
  • Jon realizes "having your own heir as Spymaster, to me that sounds like a bad idea and we shouldn't do that." So he settles on a count who's friends with Jonn, "so he probably won't kill me. And if he does kill me, well, to be honest, nothing of value will be lost."
  • Naturally, the Heterosexual Viking Pope decides now is the perfect time for a Great Holy War for the Kingdom of Germany.
    Jon: I am busy right now, trying to take back a little bit of Scotland. Y'know, from the last Great Holy War. Which we lost. And then, there was the one before that, which was also against Germany. Which we also lost. A fact that you should know, because you were the one who commissioned it!
  • "Right, so my daughter's got consumption. Uh, that's, that's a problem. And she's one of the good ones, too, she's the smart one! She's actually the player heir, too. Okay, um, how about we do some, yeah, I'm just gonna trust [my physician], because you're actually pretty smart and - oh. I thought you were a doctor, but no, you're just good with swords. Well, that's basically the same thing, that's fine."
  • Jon redirects the scheduled Great Holy War toward Bjarmaland, and sets about capturing its capital for prisoners.
    Jon: Oh my goodness, is that your son and heir? Well that's just flipping magnificent news, to be honest! That's gotta be worth something - no it's not. Okay, but you're gonna want to pay to get him back, right? He's got no flipping money to pay for it.
  • Jon figures out how to increase his empire's income and put his vassals in check at the same time.
    Jon: If my Dread starts going down, which unfortunately it does pretty fast, then I just go into my prison, go "Oh, who do I want to kill today - it's going to be you!" And then we kill that person, and then my Dread goes up and - look at that. I kill one person and suddenly I'm making a giant pile of money.
  • Not only does the Duke of East Anglia declare a holy war for Zeeland (from prison, no less), but the Pope calls another crusade for... Scotland?
    Jon: Okay, this is interesting. That doesn't really involve me in many ways, 'cause... okay, she's independent. Right, there was an independent uprising in Scotland. [...] That's great, let's have never-ending holy wars in all directions.
  • So Jon leaves his vassals to finish the Great Holy War he started to try to deal with the ones the Catholics are waging in the west.
    Jon: So guys, uh, you got this, I believe in you, I'm sure it's fine. Because I need to go home and deal with the rest of it.
  • The Great Holy War for Bjarmaland is successful, so "presumably I should get a fair amount of stuff here, so, earning me... 30 gold. I get 30 flipping gold."
  • To seal an alliance with the new Kingdom of Bjarmaland, Jon betroths a 3-year-old to a 51-year-old.
    Jon: This feels, this feels weird, but, to be honest yeah, we just need to be friends.
  • After being warned of a potential plot against Jonn, Jon checks the succession situation and sees that most of his titles are going to Duke Olaf.
    Jon: (cheerfully) Now him, he's got a really good incentive to assassinate me! So, he probably shouldn't be Spymaster, but there's kind of nobody else qualified!
  • Jon dives into the next crusade for Scotland, and things go better for Scandinavia this time.
    Jon: Hey guys, guys guys guys, let's do this again, alright? I had fun the last time we fought a battle, let's fight some flipping battles, mate! [...] I don't even know what's happening right now, but like, it's probably good.
  • A wanderer is accused of witchcraft, but Jon likes her stats and he does want a new concubine...
    Jon: Now, a witch, that's got to be a fun person to have sex with! I mean, logically, she's got all sorts of fun powers and stuff! Right, witch - I need a son. Please use magic to get me a son.
    YouTube comment: jon. jon no she's a lesbian. jon noooo
  • With all the holy wars and plagues and daughters, Jon holds a feast to try to get Emperor Jonn to relax a bit, only to get hit with the "bad wine" event.
    Jon: I'm literally about to gain stress. I'm about to gain stress from the thing that was supposed to make me lose stress, because I can't afford to pay for wine. Well, this has horribly backfired.
  • "Wrapping up the siege of Chesire right now, then I'll just head north to deal with... when I say 'a small number of reinforcements,' okay, uh, they're back. Literally all of them are back."
  • After nearly two hours of intense fighting, and the loss of Zeeland due to negligance, the Second Crusade for Ireland fails!
    Jon: And you know what that means, Emperor Jonn? That means... you get the cloak back! You get to have some nice clothing - that's nice, blue suits you. And you get a hat! And not just the crown you had, we need an imperial crown, you've earned it! And that's, that's more like it! Welcome back to not being a digrace for your name, Emperor Jonn!
  • In the midst of crowing about his accomplishments, Jon's distracted by a slice of Ireland in the middle of Sweden.
• Part 23 - The English Problem
  • Jon sums up the previous episode as Emperor Jonn redeeming himself after his disgrace, with some caveats.
    Jon: Sure, we didn't really gain much, in fact we may have lost some stuff. Kinda took my eye off, y'know, the eastern front over here, and Finland kind of, um, burst at some point. We're gonna go and sort that out, that's absolutely fine.
  • Jon changes the succession laws to gender equality in hopes of getting Jonn's daughter Elin on the throne, with the back-up plan of switching over to the currently-favored Loki's family "because there's been some good breeding experiments going on over there."
  • "England stole my holy site at Zeeland, and I feel like that means it's justified for me to steal their entire cocking country."
  • Jon realizes the electors need to like Elin, and Prestige helps with that, so he gives her a duchy in Scotland only to have to ask "Elin, why you not part of the succession anymore?" Instead Princess Linda is set to inherit more, and her stats aren't bad, so...
    Jon: Everything probably makes sense, I'm sure it's fine.
  • To shore up more support for Elin, Jon sets up a betrothal with a vassal's son.
    Jon: Now obviously, we don't let this marriage come to fruition, we cancel it ahead of time. Matrilineal... he won't accept. Okay, we promise him it's not going to be matrilineal, alright, because we're not gonna let this happen, we're just going to cancel this betrothal down the line. And we're gonna see if maybe the fact that we're literally allies is enough to slightly nudge him into voting for her going forward, because now he's got the biggest incentive in the world to make her the next queen.
  • "I'm gonna be honest, Empress Anna, your childbearing days are over, so... I mean, you've done a good job, by which I mean have you actually done a good job? You did produce Elin, that's positive, but at this point, we do need a son - I'm really sorry, I am so, so sorry." (divorces her) "She's still pretty positive about me, to be honest, she understands this is just, y'know, how it goes sometimes in the court of Sweden."
  • Once again, bad luck with feasting events means Emperor Jonn goes back into critical Stress over bad wine, prompting him to confess to Duke Eskild that he doesn't believe in Odin.
    Jon: That's, I'm gonna regret that. Please do not screw me over, Eskild, me and you are cool. Mostly. Aside from the fact that you are... he does occasionally murder his own family, and he is a berserker and a warrior, and - okay, this might have been a mistake.
  • Half an hour into the episode, and with Emperor Jonn's health failing, Jon decides to launch his grand invasion of the British Isles.
    Jon: Just basically knock out England with a one-two punch. By which I mean basically one punch, we just go in there with a big army and just murder them.
  • Jon continues his strategy of releasing important prisoners so long as they promise to convert to the Norse faith.
    Jon: So let's just actually start laying cuckoo eggs in the not-cuckoo nests! ...I'm gonna be honest, I don't a hundred percent know how cuckoos work.
  • The war is successful, though Jon doesn't view it as "stealing England."
    Jon: In fact, I'm going to do the exact opposite - I can destroy England forever! So yes indeed, goodbye various remnants of England, and welcome back to the Danelaw!
  • While spouse-shopping for Elin, Jon tries to find bachelors with good hereditary traits to add to the dynasty, but keeps getting stymied by warnings about inbreeding instead.
    Jon: Is anybody not flipping related to this woman, who wants to marry her?!
  • Not long after Elin looks all good to go, Jon gets another notification that his new wife is pregnant.
    Jon: I'm gonna be honest, um, the succession was just fine, we kind of sorted it, we actually don't... don't need a son. If she has a son now, is that gonna mess everything up? That might actually be about to mess up everything, I don't know what that's going to do to the succession!
  • "Nevermind, it's the eighth flipping daughter, so it doesn't matter in the end." (cracks up) "Bloody hell. Bloody, bloody hell."
  • While managing vassals and titles, the Duchy of Ulster becomes independent from the rest of the Kingdom of Ireland.
    Jon: Okay, so, yes, I've just created Northern Ireland, apparently.
  • Right after the Pope declares a crusade to recapture the Danelaw, a strange woman declares a new Great Holy War for Denmark.
    Jon: Right, who are you, exactly? Oh, you're the new Viking Lesbian Pope! Though... (checks her orientation) Again, you're not really qualified for the job, and to be perfectly honest, this is not the right time! Also, the kingdom of... we literally own the Kingdom of Denmark! What are you hoping to get out of this?!
• Part 24 - The Dane War
  • Jon notes that there are now two holy wars going on simultaneously.
    Jon: Where we want Denmark, and they want Danelaw, so yes, this is going to start getting confusing.
  • Sweden's army is now so large that Jon has to do some shuffling to keep it under the supply limit of the territory he wants to defend. Then his allies show up to "help."
    Jon: You guys can all just go - no! Stop standing next to me! We're all going to starve to death!
  • At first Jon snarks about the death of Emperor Jonn's brother Spare of old age, before realizing he was Jonn's younger brother.
  • Then Jon and Jonn get hit with stress when Loki dies, which is a problem since "he was keeping the army together, actually."
    Jon: Everything's under control, don't worry, it's fine, aside from the fact that everybody who's important is dying.
  • Jonn's perplexed when he sees some of "his" forces that aren't under his control, before realizing they're allies and vassals coming to contribute.
    Jon: Oh, they're engaged in the Great Holy War for Denmark! Right, that's technically of course a different holy war. So, [The Crusade for the Danelaw]'s the war where I'm outnumbered, meanwhile - oh, you've joined that holy war, whatever!
  • "More sister are dying - how many sister do I have?! 'cause it's - oh, bloody hell, I've got ten siblings. And they're all dying, and I'm sad about all of them!"
  • After nine daughters, Jonn finally has a son!
    Jon: This is... this is not good news. So, I've finally got a son. And that's going to completely cocking ruin the succession. Okay. Okay okay okay, hang on, hang the flip on, how do I fix this? (naming the kid) No, I'm sorry, you would have been good three decades ago, now you are literally Too Late, my boy.
  • When Jonn gets the "Mystical Knowledge" event and experiments with inhaling the fumes of strange powders, Jon's concerned that both options have a skull icon by his cursor, before realizing he still has an army selected.
  • Jon gives up on pursuing the Wise Man trait through his alchemical experiments, and opts for the recreational option.
    Jon: Yep, I've figured it out, there's nothing holy about it or anything, I just enjoy occasionally getting high, it takes the edge off a long day of holy war.
  • Five minutes later...
    Jon: Oh dear. Um. Emperor Jonn is dead. And in all fairness, he made it to seventy. Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a moment to remember the magnificent roller-coaster of a life of Emperor Jonn.
  • So Empress Elin gets to take over, just in time for Acquitaine to declare war over Danelaw-held Brittany. Meanwhile, his allies are still fighting in Denmark.
    Jon: Still, your crusade is going well, so congrats on that!
  • Empress Elin's Dread hits 0, and Jon heads to the dungeon to execute some heretics and "show the vassals I'm serious," only to make a horrible discovery.
    Jon: I'm Compassionate and Just! If I execute somebody, I gain 88 Stress! But it is just! He doesn't believe the things I believe, that means it's okay to kill him!
  • Good news is, Jon's allies establish a "Crusader Denmark" (despite the fact that pagans don't do crusades) next to the part of Denmark he controls. On the downside, that means "potentially, um, all the Catholic forces that were being battered by this can now focus exclusively on me. So that's not that good."
  • Some of the Scandinavian peasants want freedom, so Empress Elin offers them death instead.
    Jon: So that's fine, that's another war...
  • On the upside, Jon has so many enemies that they start getting in each others' way.
    Jon: Did the Pope just take out some of my rebels? I think he flipping did! Well that's bloody convenient of you!
  • Empress Elin gets called a witch by none other than her stressed-out husband, Emperor Kettil. Jon promptly divorces him and dresses him in rags.
  • While the crusade for the Danelaw rages, Jon notes that "there's a lot of wounding these days, and not so much head-ripping. It's kind of sad."
  • Just when things can't get any more complicated, someone declares a Holy War for the Danelaw, not to be confused with the onging Great Holy War for the Danelaw.
    Jon: There's literally a Great Holy War going on, you can join it right now!
  • And then the Not-Lesbian Viking Pope declares a holy war for the Kingdom of Germany, to which Jon can only sigh "Bloody hell."
  • "Oh good, and just when things couldn't get any worse, it's the cocking bubonic plague! [...] Oh, never mind, it wasn't officially the Black Death because it's already over."
  • "The English Catholics have also just, uh, also just risen up, so we've now got a giant pile of rebel armies that need to be taken care of - bloody hell, this is - and I'm completely out of flipping money! And this Warscore refuses to tick up!"
  • Then Jon notices a modifier in the crusaders' favor, from occupying part of Cumberland.
    Jon: Is it literally this? This is literally all that's stopping me from winning? This tiny bit of land - how long has that been the case? Has that been the case, because I suspect it's been the case for cocking months.
  • Finally, after a two-hour episode and eighteen years in-game, the Crusade for the Danelaw ends in defeat.
    Jon: I think we've, um, learned a valuable lesson here today, which is... there's only one way we're ever going to be safe. The Papacy is going to need to be dismantled.
• Part 25 - A New Kind of Leader
  • Jon points out that in the aftermath of the two-decade crusade, all the great powers of Europe (and the Byzantines, for some reason) are now bankrupt. As if that wasn't enough...
    Jon: I also need to be very careful where I click, because if I just go over to Religion [View]... yeah, there's some Adamites that are now very well-established, just across the water from me. And they don't like wearing clothes, so, yeah, the hedgehog might have to make a few appearances.
  • The Mongols are also invading the Byzantine Empire, which Jon is actually pleased about, since that would bring the Mongols right up against the Holy Roman Empire, and the Mongols' current heir is Tengri, which the Asatru view as hostile, but not quite evil.
    Jon: Now Hostile's fine, Hostile means we can intermarry, Hostile can be flipping friends, alright? I've been intermarrying with Hostile other pagans for years, that's all absolutely A-OK. So yeah, we might actually be able to make friends with the Mongols, great big pagan flipping allies coming oh. Okay basically, yay Team Mongols, I'm just going to ally up with the endgame crisis, because screw you, Europe!
  • Jon considers having Elin seduce King Nils of the Danelaw, because he's too devoted to his wife. "That's nice - also, he's sadistic."
  • Jon backs Empress Elin's daughter Anna as the imperial heir, notes that the nineteen-year-old is wearing a military helmet, and also that she's actually a champion despite being better suited for less violent duties.
    Jon: That's how bad things have gotten in the empire in terms of my champions and commanders, alright? We've got our lovely Compassionate heir being a flipping champion for the moment.
  • Jon finds a Hale, Beautiful eight-year-old to betrothe to one of his daughters and bring some good genes into the dynasty, though there is a catch.
    Jon: Oh, there is a risk of inbreeding... we are potentially introducing a bit of inbreeding into the family. But like... there's also good stuff that could... happen here... Okay, leave him alone for now, this is not a good pick.
  • Jon's still annoyed that Elin's traits keep him from executing prisoners.
    Jon: Compassionate I'll take, but Just? He literally just rose up in rebellion against me! I am allowed to do this!
  • Jon also considers reforming the Asatru faith (again), since the human sacrifice angle doesn't jive with Elin's outlook, they haven't ever gone on a war to capture prisoners, and that would give him a chance to change the head of faith to himself.
    Jon: Because the Not-Lesbian Viking Pope keeps making bad decisions, about how she's going to attack Germany over, and over, and over - in fact, she's literally doing it right now!
  • "Also, uh, okay, here's a surprise. It's time for another flipping crusade, but this time it's for... it's for Galicia. We don't own Galicia! Oh, apparently we do - flipping Lappland!"
  • Jon wins a battle and ransoms some captives for a whole 4% Warscore and ponders whether it's best to just declare victory and surrender.
  • Jon points out that despite Elin's traits, she still loses stress when rivals die. "I'm Just and Compassionate, but not to my rivals. I'm okay with them being dead, so long as I'm not the one to do it."
  • Due to the hassle of Compassion, Jon has Elin lead her son Odd to pick up the Callous trait.
    Jon: Okay, so the lesson we're going to learn today, Prince Odd, is, when you see criminals, you want to spit on them, beat them, they deserve nothing less.
  • "Also, Jon, don't forget to ransom everyone in your prison before they die of appalling conditions."
  • Another event fires concerning Prince Odd, who makes a point of ignoring a begging prisoner without Jon's prompting.
    Jon: Right, he is actually Arrogant anyway, he's Arrogant as well as Callous and Ambitious... It's possible that Prince Odd might be a monster, and he is a very clever monster too, oh dear.
  • When considering the "Create New Norse Faith" option, Jon's pleasantly surprised that he could change the symbol to a cat. "Okay, Tabbyism might be about to make a return, marvelous!" He also considers making a "super-duper pinky promise" not to sacrifice anyone anymore so he can buddy up with Christians, to the horror of the YouTube comments section.
• Part 26 - The Sexy Schism
  • Jon kicks off the episode by acquiescing to the Catholics demands, creating the "mighty state" of Crusader Galicia.
    Jon: So, um, I mean... congrats. Have fun with that.
  • The now thirteen-year-old Prince Odd has racked up the Ambitious, Callous, and Arrogant traits, and is "terrifyingly intelligent. So... I've got a horrible feeling this is going to go terribly wrong at some point."
  • Jon's succession plans are derailed when Princess Erin is murdered. After some sleuthing, Jon takes a closer look at his own spymaster, who was previously in second place for the Swedish election.
    Jon: Philip, I can't help but notice that you are very smart, very good at plotting things, and... he's a Known Murderer. Okay, I think we've got ourselves a prime cocking suspect.
  • In the midst of managing his domestic issues, Jon groans that another great holy war is being declared by his faith's new "not-Viking, not-even-Woman Pope."
  • Instead, Jon proceeds with his plans to reform his religion before Empress Elin dies. "Or before Philip assassinates me, because he's blatantly killing people right now."
  • He's also pleased that Prince Odd is officially Elin's friend, so "hopefully he won't murder me, at least." When the guy comes of age and Jon tries to convince his vassals to support Odd as the heir...
    Jon: I do like the fact that "he is literally evil" is a consideration. "Well, he is evil..." to be honest, that is definitely true. So we might need to win some people over as time goes by.
  • The imperial army hasn't quite recovered from all the crusading, so Jon's current general is a former rebel leader.
    Jon: Some random English guy who led a revolt against me is now the commander of my armies, for reasons, I guess.
  • Jon marries Prince Odd to a woman with the Ambitious, Cynical and Intelligent traits, who happens to also be of the Gren dynasty.
    Jon: Okay, so, I'm just saying, evil power couple, let's just do that, and... there is a small, small chance of inbreeding, so... Okay, what's going to happen here is, either their children are going to be the greatest geniuses - presumably evil geniuses - the world has ever known, or, alternatively, they're going to be yes, completely inbred, horrible monstrosities of some description, so... I mean sure, why not? Roll that dice!
  • "Uh oh. My sisters are dying. I've got many sisters, and I'm close friends with several of them. That could be a big source of stress as I get older..."
  • Jon joins a holy war and successfully takes the rest of Denmark off the Holy Roman Empire, but after seeing their masked, giant kaiser, decides "I feel like we should just let him have Denmark, look at him, that's marvelous!" Then he notes that the conquered territory isn't actually part of the Scandinavian Empire.
    Jon: Hang on... wait, did I just accidentally grant Denmark independence, because I really didn't mean to!
  • Jon decides to reform the Asatru faith, keeping the Warmonger tenet but picking up Religious Law so he can use Temporal Condemnation against vassals. Then there's what to pick for the third tenet...
    Jon: It used to be Human Sacrifice, but if we're telling people they're not allowed to sacrifice anymore, we need to give them something fun instead, and I think... (picks Carnal Exaltation) Sex cult! Lustful becomes a virtue, Chaste becomes a sin, absolutely flipping marvelous, right there. We're keeping Warmonger, we're going over to Religious Law. So basically yes, the Sex Police will be coming 'round to your house, making sure you're having good, fun sexy times, marvelous!
  • Elin also has enough spare Piety to blow it all on some radical changes to the new "Sexy Asatru" faith's crime doctrines.
    Jon: Basically yes, everything is now accepted. So, "deviants," what even are deviants? I don't know, but it's now okay, it is now okay! Whatever you want to do with like, goats, or whatever, cool! Women want to have, you know, extramarital affairs, everyone can just- (gets to the Kinslaying tab) Okay, that should probably be, probably still be criminal. Oh, and witches, witches are fine! Yes, basically, literally everything is now acceptable! Apart from murder.
  • We get a Title Drop and Jon bursting out laughing when an event fires declaring...
    Jon: I just started "The Sexy Schism," the sexiest of all schisms. (cracks up) This is fine, this is all absolutely A-Ok. We've got a Sexy Schism now. Though seriously, I thought I was going to have... "Your realm does not contain at least two-" ah, I need to actually have two Sexy holy sites, with Sexy- (cracks up) I'm so glad I did this! I'm not sure it was the best tactical decision, but I'm so glad I did this regardless!
  • Also, since Jon merged the new faith's temporal and secular heads...
    Jon: Yes! I am the Sexy Pope! I am offically the Sexy Pope! And that means, oh my! All of a sudden, I can start flipping declaring Great Holy Wars! Maybe I want all of France, maybe I want Poland, maybe I want Germany, or any of the rest of this. Oh, the power... the power is all mine!
  • Jon spends the entire episode trying to secure Prince Odd's place in the imperial succession, by disinheriting family members so they are no longer rival candidates. Cue a comments section full of viewers pointing out that Jon has Absolute Crown Authority, and his cursor at one point went right over the "Designate Heir" button as he disinherited children.
  • Finally, though, the empire is set to go to Prince Odd, "despite the fact that he is basically, like, objectively evil." Of course, since he is evil he's probably eager to take over sooner than later, and Empress Elin has greatly angered King Philip the scheming murderer by disinheriting him...
    Jon: So the real question is, who's going to be the one to actually stab her in the back first?
• Part 27 - The Sexy Crusade
  • Among the unintended consequences of Jon's religious reformation...
    Jon: I didn't mean to, you know, write the word "Sexy" all over the map, but as I did just start a sex cult, I guess that's fair enough.
  • Jon decides to take back the Sexy holy site in Zeeland, and who better to lead the charge than Prince Philip? "And if he gets himself injured or whatever, good! He's a bastard, he killed Anna."
  • During a feast, one of the dishes ends up on the floor, which somehow costs 150 gold to clean up.
    Jon: Right, a guy spilled some stew, and it's put the nation into debt.
  • The Scandinavian court is racked with scandal when word gets out that the new King of Denmark is... not getting laid enough.
  • Unfortunately, the Catholics are trying another crusade for the Danelaw, and Jon's religious changes have left him low on allies, prompting him to go from vassal to vassal, asking them to convert to his new faith.
    Jon: Right, can we get some people to join the Sexy Crusade? [...] We need more Sexy people. We need most people to be more Sexy.
  • Empress Elin falling ill is bad enough, but worse...
    Jon: My evil son, by the way, is my doctor, because he is very clever, so... this is not a good time for the transition.
  • Elin's daughter Thordis dies in childbirth, bringing the Empress to the verge of a mental breakdown. But Jon avoids a critical level of stress by not responding to that pop-up until he's hit the "Call a Hunt" decision to reduce stress.
    YouTube comment: "Sorry my leige, but I've terrible news." "Wait, don't tell me, let's first throw a feast. Make sure to invite all my children"
  • When Odd has a son, Jon's first question is "Odd, did you cut your wife's face off?" Then it's time to see the results of his "breeding experiments."
    Jon: Okay, it might be a genius, or it might be an inbred mutant, so... (opens the character page) Okay, it's both, it's a bit of both. We've got a Genius, he's not Inbred, he's just Sickly.
  • England rises in rebellion, again, but Jon considers that a good thing since there's already crusaders invading and the rebels are just as hostile to them as Jon's forces.
    Jon: I mean sure, have fun. You just get on with that.
  • The good news is that Jon's able to take the Zeeland holy site, the bad news is a vassal in Norway refuses to convert to the Sexy faith, "so we've gained one, lost another."
  • "The Great Dualist" event fires, revealing Prince Odd has been getting into fights with vassals to prove his skill.
    Jon: I'm not surprised Odd's been running around murdering people, to be perfectly honest.
  • Jon's tickled that "A Secret Exposed!" events keep firing and revealing affairs between his vassals, and also that the only response now is "Have we nothing more important to tend to?"
    Jon: Yeah, we keep talking about, you know, who's having sex with who - we don't care, anymore. We really don't care. Also, my chancellor has decided to expose... himself, for some reason.
  • "Ooh, and I've apparently discovered some 'ancient texts' about Sexy Norse-ism, which is surprising, since we just invented it last week."
  • An hour after asking as many vassals to convert to his faith as possible, Jon's pleased to look at the map and declare it's "looking very literally Sexy."
  • For Elin's next perk, Jon decides to pick "Know Thyself" to get a head's-up for when she's about to die. Cut to her death screen.
    Jon: Okay, that, um, that answers that question. The answer was "literally right now."
  • Prince Odd's little Genius died young, so as soon as Jon takes over as him, he switches to the Temptation focus for the fertility boost, as "We need children, we need flipping children." Cue the "Of Uncertain Stock" event.
    Jon: Oh, never mind, apparently I've just been sowing my wild oats everywhere.
  • "Ah, yes, that reminds me - I'm evil! So, okay, hang on, yes, a whole bunch of prisoners. Some of you are going to be worth some money, and that's fine, the people who are worth money, you can hand it over. The other people, though, well well well... I can't help but notice that I don't gain Faith from this anymore, but I do gain Dread! Oh, it's good to be flipping back. (a heap of executions later) And we're up to 100 Dread, good! That'll do, that'll keep the vassals in line until we get over the 'Short Reign' penalties."
• Part 28 - It's Good to be Bad
  • Besides welcome changes to Great Holy Wars in the 1.2 patch, there's also now a character kill count tracker, which allows Jon to prove that Elin was such a good ruler, she never took a single life.
    Jon: Now, she did start a few wars in which thousands of people died, but like, they don't count for some reason.
  • Jon concerned's to find that not only is Emperor Odd's current chancellor his nemesis, his character actually has several nemeses. "Well, I am evil, we've established I'm evil, so that makes sense." Meanwhile Odd's only friend is his disfigured wife, but that just means he won't be gaining stress when people die.
  • "Okay, um, 1.2 might have a couple of small problems, which is - my hated rival, Baron Ake, has presented evidence to me that my hated rival, Baron Ake, is planning to kill me, and as a result of that I'm going to have to arrest my hated rival, Baron Ake. So, into prison you go, you stupid bastard."
  • When Jon tortures the stupid baron to avoid a Kinslayer malus, and then the guy succumbs to his injuries with the "A Curse Undone" debuff, Emperor Odd is such a psychopath that he loses a ton of stress. "It's good to be evil!"
  • Jon is so excited to try out his new bombards in sieges that he declares war on Aquitaine before the new artillery divisions are finished recruiting.
  • The Catholics declare yet another crusade for the Danelaw, but Jon's feeling better about it due to the changes to holy wars.
    Jon: I'm a little, little concerned about the fact I can't really, you know, afford my own army, but, um... we'll just have to see, it's all going to be fine, I'm sure.
  • Jon swats crusader landing forces in east England, checks on the situation back in Brittany, and can only groan "oh bloody hell!"
  • Jon belatedly notices that despite Odd's fertility, he's struggling to produce children. So he divorces his wife to find a replacement with the "Intelligent" trait. When he eventually does produce a son...
    Jon: He's... excuse me? Is he Quick? Do you have any idea how dumb Quick is by our standards?!
  • When wrapping up the episode, Jon invites his various lovers to the court to become his official concubines, one of them Intelligent, another Beautiful, and the third...
    Jon: And you are... (examines her stats) Okay, I'm going to be honest, you need to go away now, sorry. (dismisses her)
• Part 29 - A Knife to the Heart
  • Now that Jon has remembered that with Absolute Crown Authority he can just designate his heir instead of disinheriting everyone in a generation, he declares that one of the goals of the episode is to have as many Beautiful, Intelligent children as possible, and "when one of them is a Genius and doesn't die in the crib, at that point, that's going to be the heir."
  • Jon decides to have Emperor Odd seduce a courtier as part of his breeding program, and is dismayed when the "Privy Matters" event fires.
    Jon: Oh dear, right, so we're doing it in a medieval toilet. That's... that's not great, that's, no... I'm the cocking emperor, we could come up with something better.
  • Jon has trouble telling which of Jon's extramarital lovers are concubines or illicit mistresses, and gets two "Unfaithful" events back-to-back.
    Jon: You know what, I love all of you, it's fine. Just keep producing children, dammit!
  • Jon's saddened when one of Odd's lovers dies in childbirth, but takes solace in the fact that his numerous lovers aren't murdering each other yet.
  • The breeding program bears fruit in the form of several Genius daughters, but that doesn't mean the succession is all sorted out. Luckily Jon has a plan.
    Jon: Now obviously, Elin would never have dreamed of abolishing democracy, alright? She just wouldn't. But Odd, Odd the Evil, Odd the Monstrous, Odd the Murderer? Oh yeah, he'll do it, he'll do that every flipping time! Basically, 'bye! (removes the Kingdom of Sweden's election laws) That's now just going to sort itself out, good, good good good. That's democracy taken care of, it was nice and simple to abolish, as it turns out.
  • While invading the Holy Roman Empire to seize the Kingdom of Germany, Jon gets another "A Curse Undone" event and realizes that "I'm creating rivals by imprisoning people and torturing them, then leaving them in prison 'til they die, it's marvelous!"
  • After producing a whole crop of Genius children, and getting the notification that the Empress is pregnant again, Jon wonders whether his new Sexy religion is too fertile.
  • To clean up the mess in his new German domains, Jon awards several duchy titles to members of his extended family, but stops short of revoking existing duchy titles in the region, because "that would be Tyranny. Clearly we're not tyrants, we're just manipulative bastards, it's different."
    YouTube comment: In other news today, Kingdom of Germany penetrated by Sexy vikings. Multiple local Counts receive surprise Duke-ing.
  • Princess Cecilia turns three and has the Rowdy trait (for Martial and Intrigue bonuses), so Jon hands her over to an educator "who can help her realize her evil flipping potential."
  • By the end of the episode, Jon's breeding program has been so successful that he worries that "we've gone from 'not enough Geniuses' to 'potentially too many.'" He's also hopeful that now that he's crippled the Holy Roman Empire, his vassals in the Danelaw and Ireland might snap up more territory from it.
    YouTube comment: Wonder when John will realise on Absolute Crown Authority his vassals can't declare their own wars?
• Part 30 - Sexy Shuffle Shenanigans
  • Jon recaps the previous episode as doing "a little redecorating in Central Europe," and also that "we may have gone from 'not enough children' to 'far too many.'" Fortunately, he's now got primogeniture, so the big question will be "which of these children turn out okay, versus which are assassinated by the various other wives, ex-wives, concubines and lovers that I've been maintaining to have this many children."
  • Jon decides to found a university, but is dismayed when Cambridge is closer to the required Development level than Oxford.
    Jon: Aww, I don't want to set up Cambridge, it's Oxford but worse in every conceivable way, it sucks! But it is much more developed... Okay, what we're going to do is, we're going to set up Cambridge, because it's the first university we've ever set up, which means it's going to be dreadful, we're going to make loads of mistakes, and we're going to use those mistakes to make Oxford better than Cambridge, as it is, in real life.
  • Jon starts scheming to abduct the Prince of Aquitaine, with the warning that even if successful, Emperor Odd will be exposed for the crime of kidnapping.
    Jon: I'm going to be honest, I think I've done worse things in the eyes of Catholicism already, so it's probably fine.
  • With the founding of "not a very good university" in Cambridge, his character epithet changes from Emperor Odd the Evil to Odd the Scholar.
    Jon: And to be honest, that's fair! I mean, really, when you think about it, he has not been that evil. Instead, he has been... kind of morally neutral, and he has been very clever.
    YouTube comment: Odd: currently scheming murders and kidnap plots
    Other YouTube comment: Not forgetting the torturing spree in his younger years.
  • Jon gets an event where his favorite son Jedvard gets pushed over by a playmate.
    Jon: He's Spindly, just push him back!
  • The plot to kidnap the Prince of Aquitaine is successful, and Jon manages to convert him to the true Sexy faith before releasing him, then continues with his plan to assassinate the King of Aquitaine so the title passes to his new ally. Then, while waging war against the Catholic alliance, he checks on the prince and makes an unwelcome discovery.
    Jon: Wait, he was slain in battle, by... We just killed him. We just killed him in battle, oh, that's painful. Okay, who's the new bloody heir of everything? Okay, it's Prince Rajmond. So we need to go and get him now, okay? He needs to be abducted before we murder the king.
  • Jon's unimpressed with his first university's price tag.
    Jon: I think we could create Cambridge with like a hundred gold. I don't think we really need this whole 750, but the game says we do.
  • After an hour of scheming and war, Jon captures the new Prince of Aquitaine, converts and recruits him, then gives him the county of Holland so the guy is a landed member of his court. Then Jon executes the captured King of Aquitaine so the title passes to his patsy, and... Aquitaine remains independent, has a Sexy king, and now controls Holland.
    Jon: Okay, that, that didn't go entirely to plan. That, that didn't quite work, actually. I mean, okay, there are bits of it that did work.
  • Near the end of the episode, he has another realization about his would-be vassal.
    Jon: Also, that's a good point - why are we waiting for this guy to produce children by himself so we can marry them, when we can just, yeah we can just murder his wife, and as soon as she's murdered we can marry off one of our many, many useless children straight over to - oh, that's perfect!
• Part 31 - Suffer the Little Children
  • Hot on the success of the previous episode's abduction-conversion-assassination plots, Jon wants to do the same thing, except "even more evil," since it will involve abducting the child prince of Romagna.
  • Jon accepts an invitation to a vassal's feast, but notes that Emperor Odd won't be getting much benefit from it.
    Jon: My Stress is already 0, 'cause I keep kidnapping people, and then torturing them until they become my Rivals, at which point they die and I enjoy that because I'm blatantly evil.
  • To secure his hold on the Sexy King of Aquitaine, Jon murders the guy's heavily-pregnant wife and then marries the new widow to one of his daughters.
    Jon: This is marvelous! Okay, we found a use for Princess Disappointment, this is spectacular!
  • With Aquitaine sorted out, Jon focuses on Romagna and its young prince.
    Jon: Yes, this baby, somebody please go and steal this baby. (recruits help for the plot) And straight away a whole bunch of people are just sort of... on board. I'm not sure why, but they hate this baby. So yeah, that's already as literally good as it can be, that's going to be done in under a year. Hopefully we kidnap the baby, then we just raise the baby, in my court, we educate it, we make the baby follow our religion, it's going to be great.
  • Since Jon started practicing some perfectly-legal witchcraft in the previous episode, he begins recruiting the most promising of Odd's children to the coven.
    YouTube comment: Okay but can we talk about how Odd is just a fantasy novel Dark Lord at this point? He's a witch, runs an empire, is evil, and is conquering the various surrounding lands either through kidnapping and assassination schemes or by sending his hordes of tens of thousands of soldiers to curb stomp their armies.
  • As Odd's children begin to come of age, some are promising, some are disappointing, and others are like Princess Sealgga.
    Jon: You're Ambitious and Sadistic, that's... and also Aggressive, good at murder... Okay, might be a bit worried by her, I'll admit.
  • And then thirteen-year-old Princess Margareta gets into a confrontation over a failed love confession.
    Jon: Ah, this is because a boy tried to kiss her. So, she like stabbed him or something. No, honesty she can just keep stabbing, stabbing is good in our religion, it's great!
  • Princess Cecilia comes of age, and Jon notes that she flunked her childhood education, then tries to send her to Cambridge only to find the option to do so missing.
    Jon: So we'll keep an eye on whether that reappears, and if it doesn't, we might need to create Oxford just to send my terrible daughter there.
  • In the midst of all these schemes and family troubles, Jon reminds himself "don't forget you have a war on, so maybe go and take care of that at some point."
  • Then Jon's favorite son, Jedvard, comes of age.
    Jon: Jedwood? Are you a drunkard, because you're looking a bit, um, red-cheeked there? Oh dear. Jedwood. Have you let me - oh, you've massively let me down. Oh, I thought Jedwood was the chosen one! But no, oh dear, he's already flipping drunk at the age of sixteen, and he's sort of failed his education, and he's sinful - I mean, that one's my fault, I'll admit.
  • With some exquisite timing, Jon forces the captive prince of Romagna to convert, releases him with a weak hook, immediately assassinates the kid's father, and then arranges a marriage between the boy-now-king to one of Odd's daughters.
    Jon: I'd like that to be matrilineal - oh, you don't want to accept? Well that's a shame, because I've got a prison hook on you, you stupid, stupid bastard! And there we go, I have now got the no-longer Catholic Romagna not only Sexy, but also allied to me. And in one generation, it's going to be my dynasty on the cocking throne!
  • When Princess Margareta comes of age, Jon approves of her stats, but "the problem is, she might be a bit too similar to me. And we've kind of already had me, so we may well have a use for her, but I'm kind of more interested in, yes, Kristina the ridiculously-powerful."
    YouTube comment: Can we just talk about Jon recreating the plot of Succession within his own dynasty? The disappointing oldest son, the highly intelligent daughter with strong political ambitions, the original heir apparent with a substance abuse problem, and the psycho child with a crazy killer instinct; it’s all here.
  • After pulling the abduction-conversion-assassination trick on the Holy Roman Empire, Jon's pleased to note that the only Catholic ruler left is... Malik Kamran of the Bahadur Malikate?
  • With the neighboring heads of state converted to the Sexy faith, Jon's task now is to consolidate its spread outside his empire.
    Jon: Because the moment Europe is Sexy enough by itself to, y'know, stay Sexy into the next generation, it's probably bedded-in, if you'll pardon the pun.
• Part 32 - Catholic Masses
  • Jon's still crowing over his success defeating Catholicism through strategic kidnappings and assassinations.
    Jon: I mean, okay, it's not gone entirely as you may notice there, yes, the giant word "Catholic" [on the Religion map]. But that's just people on the ground, okay? They barely count for anything. What's important is the leadership, the kings of Europe, they're on my flipping side now.
  • Also, as a result of his landgrabs in Germany, Emperor Odd now controls enough territory to be considered the leading candidate to become the next Holy Roman Empire. Which is unfortunate for the patsy who Jon kidnapped and converted the previous episode.
    Jon: So, I've got really bad news, kid... I'm so sorry about this, but um, I'd rather manage some of this myself, actually. And you know what's even better? Because there's so many Catholics in the empire, they'll probably help me assassinate this kid! Because they don't even realize that the alternative, what's coming next, oh it's going to be so much worse!
  • Jon starts marrying the more useless of his children off to the newly-Sexy leaders of Europe to secure their assistance in his campaign to destroy the Pope. Unfortunately, the King of Scotland's heirs are already married, so Jon decides "let's just quickly murder this guy's wife so that then I can have one of my daughters marry him, then we can bring in Scotland too."
    Jon: Okay, she has died, we don't really know, ah, what killed her, so who knows, eh? By the way, I've got all these flipping daughters that you should really want to marry, because they're all really good!
  • Disappointment, the daughter Jon married to the King of Aquitaine, unexpectedly dies.
    Jon: But that's fine, I've got more daughters! How do you feel about Cecilia, she's pretty good too! And there's also - oh yes, the terrible one! Would you like the terrible one?
  • Jon also takes a closer look at Disappointment's death notice, and learns that she fell in battle while serving as a champion, fighting unrest in France while Jon's attention was elsewhere.
    Jon: Okay, that one's kind of on me.
  • Jon rolls the dice on a plot against the Pope that has only a 5% chance to succeed, but is elated when it works and His Holiness dies! The downside is that Odd's involvement in the murder is exposed, leading to a general opinion malus.
    Jon: Which is a bit of a shame, but I'm pretty all of my vassals, they're mostly chill with me. I'm a bit of a marmite emperor right now - either they absolutely love me, or they despise me more than anything, so yeah, there's no middle ground. Okay, so we just successfully killed the Pope!
  • However, Jon's vassals prove to be the least of his concerns...
    Jon: Oh, we might have, um, a bigger problem, by the way. Which is, the Catholics have decided they're really not happy about... (scrolls down through the list of places besieged by rebels) Um... okay, everything is under siege, as it turns out. Ah, okay, maybe we should deal with that first?
    YouTube comment: Odd: Yeah, yeah. So I killed the pope. What are you gonna do about it?
    Catholics: REVOLT!
    Odd: ...In retrospect, shoulda seen that coming.
  • "Right, get back to friendly territory - no, not the nudists, stay away from them, we don't have enough bloody hedgehogs for them! [...] How has this gone this wrong, I've got 60,000+ troops, this should not be going this wrong!"
  • Jon gets hit by another "Outliving a Child" notification.
    Jon: Oh bloody hell, my incredibly-good children are continuing to work against me! They keep getting called up as champions and dying! Yes, I've lost another - okay, how many more daughters do I have to hand over to Scotland?
  • While sending Odd on a hunt to lower his stress, Jon gets the "Errant Heir" event with Princess Kristina.
    Jon: Excuse me, did you just murder somebody? Okay, so, yes she did. Well, we kind of knew she was a bit murdery, that's kind of fair.
  • Jon's excited to capture the Pope in battle, disappointed that he can't convert the guy, but is happy to torture the Pope for funsies before leveraging his prisoner to win the war in Italy.
    Jon: And if we're very lucky, we may actually turn him into a Lunatic, and... there we go. There is now a Lunatic Pope. Which is great, actually, that's marvelous. And other Lunatics will like him more, so that's good.
• Part 33 - The Fate of Italy
  • Jon declares a successful start to Operation Eat Europe, Destroy Catholicism, though he admits it "could be a bit more catchy, might need to abbreviate it down a bit." He also has another round of Let's Talk About All The Things That Jon Got Wrong and admits that he was getting angry at his vassals for not contributing in wars while running Absolute Crown Authority, which prevents them from doing so.
  • After renegotiating his feudal contracts with key vassals to let them do their own fighting, and in the middle of conquering Corsica, Jon receives a notification.
    Jon: Oh? Apparently I'm dying. Well that's, that's a bit unfortunate...
  • After the ailing Odd has a mental break, Jon decides to relieve some stress with a lovely feast.
    Jon: I feel like I'm not making it through the feast, here. I might basically be arranging my own wake at this point.
  • Jon designates Princess Kristina as Odd's successor, since she's got the best military stats and is well-rounded otherwise, only lacking in diplomacy.
    Jon: I say we keep her, alright? If she's going to be going on a great big murder frenzy, it's kind of okay that she's a bit on the angry side. Still, we can get you a better hat, let's get you a better hat!
  • Emperor Odd passes in the middle of a campaign for Sardinia, and Jon eulogizes "the second Sexy Pope, and maybe the Sexiest, Greatest Pope of All!" He's also surprised that Odd's listed kill count is only 19, though to make up for that "he did torture many more than that."
    Jon: Yes, let's take a moment to discuss Odd's, ah, legacy. Because he was evil, and I have tried to make excuses for that, on occasion, in the past. I have said "No, he's not evil, he's a scholar! He set up a university!" A terrible university, because y'know, it was Cambridge, but a university nonetheless. But you can't help but note he did, um, keep a prison full of prisoners, who he enjoyed torturing - not really for information, he just enjoyed it. He murdered them, just to maintain a fearsome reputation, because he could, to be honest. And he did kidnap a fair few children, in order to religiously indoctrinate them. There was... murder, a fair whack of murder. But like, y'know, in the end, it was all for the Viking cause, so, in some ways, he was the closest we've had to a real Viking in a long time! [...] Rest in peace, Odd the Blatantly, Actually Evil. And yes indeed, very sharp, but probably most of all... yeah, he was evil.
  • One of the first things Jon does while preparing Empress Kristina for her reign is make sure his vassals fear her.
    Jon: Maybe my dad left some prisoners in the dungeons...
  • She also has an "Unrestrained Wrath" opinion malus with her vassals, making Jon note that "I might be a bit too wrathful. Wow, for Vikings, that's a lot of wrath!"
  • Also, Kristina was pregnant, and soon gives birth to another daughter.
    Jon: Who is... (examines stats) Throw her out in the street, she is useless!
  • This leads Jon to look over Kristina's other three children and conclude that "our children are getting progressively worse."
  • For the big Sexy vs. Orthodoxy showdown, Jon considers a great holy war for Byzantine Sicily, but is confused when the game tries to tell him that this war against Orthodoxy will also give him the the lands of the Papacy as well.
    Jon: I'm like 20% sure the Pope is - yes, the Pope is indeed a Catholic. He's a Lunatic Catholic who is a Coward, but like you know, he isn't Orthodox, so... why would I get his lands as a function of...
  • He's also careful about clicking in the Adamite region of France, though Jon admits he knows he could disable the nudity in the game's options menu.
    Jon: But like, y'know, I feel like I would be doing the hedgehog out of a job if I did that.
  • Jon holds a feast to get Kristina's stress down, and hopes he doesn't get the "out of wine" event again.
    Jon: (as "The Strew Sea" event fires) No, instead I lose Prestige. Good, good good good.
  • For some reason Aquitaine isn't honoring its alliance even though Jon's betrothed a family member to their ruler, so he breaks the betrothal and then re-arranges it, between the exact same people, to get them on board.
  • In the middle of an underwhelming crusade for Sexy Lotharingia, Kristina's bothered by a random Byzantine doux offering to sell information about an extramarital affair in the Scandinavian court.
    Jon: For the last time, we don't care!
  • Jon swiftly occupies the new Papal States and captures the Pope.
    Jon: Do we want to torture the Pope? I would spend Piety to torture the Pope. I mean... I kinda want to do it anyway! Yeah, I'm torturing the Pope, just gonna torture the Pope because I feel like it. We've got a bit of a reputation to uphold.
  • In short order, the Pope's latest crusade fails, and Jon can only gloat "my hat is better than your hat!"
  • Jon gets another childhood event about young Kettil and his relations with other children.
    Jon: Okay, we need to kill this kid, because he keeps flipping bullying my children. Now when it was just my daughter it was fine, but now it's the heir to literally everything, that's a problem!
  • After a "Curse Undone" event lowers Kristina's stress, Jon declares "I need to make more rivals, so I can kill them, 'cause that's the best way to get rid of stress."
  • And no, he wasn't joking about killing that kid.
    Jon: Also, I like how five other people have jumped in to help me assassinate this [eleven-year-old] schoolyard bully.
  • Kristina's husband dies, but to Jon's surprise it doesn't cause his character any stress.
    Jon: Okay, marvelous, I can get myself a brand new husband. And honestly at this point, I'm mainly in it for the stats. I need the most qualified person in the world, I need a flipping Genius, even if they're directly related to me, I kind of don't care.
  • The stress of ruling, and assassinating Prince Kettil's schoolyard bully, puts Kristina through a mental break, so he picks the option that affects her Dump Stat.
    Jon: Okay, so I've become an irritable recluse. I basically only come out of my tower to murder people. It's possible I might end up even more evil than my dad, which is quite impressive!
• Part 34 - The Orthodox Wars
  • As Jon prepares to wage a holy war for southern Italy, fighting both Papal forces and Orthodox Byzantines, he wonders "Have I accidentally undone the Great Schism?"
  • Jon takes a closer look at Empress Kristina and how stressful her short reign has been for her, and concludes that she never actually wanted the job and preferred her old role as a champion. So when it's time for another campaign in Italy, he has her defer command to a subordinate, so she's not "overcompensating for a job I don't enjoy very much."
  • Prince Kettil continues to be a source of stress, but Jon accepts more to give the kid the Compassionate trait.
    Jon: Okay, we do have a long history of being evil, it must be said. Maybe we should try and like, y'know, break the chain.
  • Jon gets another notification about a scandal in his court, but even though the Sexy faith is "pretty chill with everything," Kristina's half-sister and half-brother having a half-incestuous affair stands out.
    Jon: So... I mean, it's not the worst, but it's still pretty not cool, guys. (checks the map) Aw, and while I was distracted by that, I raised too many bloody troops and now the army's too expensive!
  • After some warm-up land grabs, Jon declares the Great Holy War for Italy, checks the number of soldiers and rulers committed to both sides, and...
    Jon: Oh flip me. Everybody seems to be in on this one, actually. Literally everybody is in - okay! So this is, this is fascinating... [...] 275-cocking-thousand versus 233-cocking-thousand, this is, this is several orders of magnitude greater than any Sexy Great Holy War we've done before.
  • Forty minutes in, Jon spends a bit setting Kettil up with a wife with some great inheritable traits, then it's back to "the massive great holy war we're currently engaged in."
  • "Ooh, there's a Sexy Exaltation! What does that even mean, I don't know!"
  • "Okay, so Sexy is just on the flipping march at this point. It is an unstoppable tide of Sexiness, I love it!"
  • In the middle of sieging and counter-sieging in Sicily, Jon is notified that the Empress is having another stress overload.
    Jon: I - bloody hell, I've got too many [dying] siblings, and once again I'm overwhelmed by stress, and... and I've got no way to get it down. Right, once again I'm going to have a mental breakdown, that's been a constant in my life.
  • "Okay, there's another battle because they're throwing more troops at it, they're now going to counter-attack into Sicily, we've taken this, move back over to here, 94% [Warscore] but it's going to drop back down to 86% but fortunately you are abandoning Sicily, it's going to take you many days to sort this out, but I'm winning battles which is - bloody hell, this is a chaotic-ass war! And now they've abandoned Italy, and now we're doing the swapsy-roundy again, and..."
  • Empress Kristina also finds a moment to have another daughter.
    Jon: I've just got children coming out of my - well I was about to say "coming out of my ass," but no, Jon, that's now how that works, okay? You've been given The Talk, you understand this.
  • In the midst of the Battle of Castrovillari, Jon notes "it's nice to see the head-ripping. It's really nice to see that back, genuinely, I am thrilled to see the head-ripping going on."
  • During the climactic final battle for Italy, Jon receives word "someone's planning to kill a guest, I don't care, get in more reinforcements, please!"
  • After a long, grueling campaign, Jon creates some new Sexy domains in Italy, which he needs to absorb into his empire as part of his wider plan to control enough of the peninsula to disband the papacy. But...
    Jon: Also, apparently we accidentally, um, allied with these individuals at some point. Which we kind of shouldn't have done, because that means, yes, we can't go to war, which is... unfortunate. I think possibly, [King Renaud III of Romagana] negotiated this by himself or something, because... okay, either I messed that up a bit, or - yes, okay, actually that is rather likely, now that I think about it.
• Grand Finale - Never Lose Pope
  • Jon admits that the empire has been growing so much that "it actually includes bits I didn't know it included. Like these bits, down over here [in North Africa]. Did you know these belonged to us? Because I didn't, it was news to me."
  • The main task for the episode is snapping up the last bits of Italy, loose duchies and counties whose rulers are incable of realizing they're better off becoming Voluntary Vassals than trying to resist. "So murder it is, I suppose."
  • The war for the first Venetian county takes less than thirty seconds.
    Jon: And... okay, so that's um, that's the war over. I knew it was going to be quick, but I wasn't expecting it to be that quick.
  • What's nice about the last Italian wars is that they're a little more "legal" than some of Jon's other conflicts.
    Jon: I'm not just being a Viking, saying "I want that over there and I've got more men than you, so screw you," no, no-no-no-no-no, I've got the de jure right to do this, alright? The law is on my flipping side!
  • "Next up, the final few rump-states of not-Catholic Romagna. Which I am not going to pronounce correctly at any point in this series, and you can't make me!"
  • The wars continue to be comically brief.
    Jon: Music, you can chill out now. Music, we already won, music. Epic music, you can stop! You can stop now, he's been defeated!
  • Jon's progress is slowed by his truces with the Byzantines, but "I can't help but notice that yes, truces are agreed to with people, not countries. So as a result of that, if we just, y'know, make some little changes to who's in charge or whatever...
  • "And my rivals are just sort of dying. I get Prestige from outliving this random woman. I like having rivals, rivals are great."
  • When trying to get some vassals back in Sweden to pick up the new Sexy Asatru faith, Jon actually has to look up what Old Asatru's tenets were.
    Jon: Oh yeah, we used to sacrifice humans! I'd almost forgotten about that. Also ancestor worship, which was completely useless. Oh, those were happy days, weren't they? Remember when we used to go to Ireland and steal all their money and sacrifice them to our gods? Ah, happy, happy days...
  • With the conquest of one last chunk of Sardinia, Jon's able to achieve an ambition which spanned the entire campaign - the destruction of a mortal enemy.
    Jon: For you see, once upon a time in the distant past, there was a religion that mattered called Catholicism, and it had a head of the church. They called him a "Pope," which is like a Sexy Viking Lesbian Pope, but less interesting.
  • After enacting the "Dismantle the Papacy" decision, the Pope becomes a wandering, spineless maniac... with 26,638 gold pieces from the Papal treasury.
    Jon: Apparently... we let him keep the money! This is, this is fascinating. Um, is there any way we can get the money? 'cause, I feel like we should try and get the money if we can. Well I could seduce him...
  • Yes, Jon spends the rest of the episode trying to seduce a homeless lunatic, solely so Jon can invite him to Kristina's court and then banish him and confiscate his fortune.
    Jon: I'm gonna send him a gift, alright. Can I invite him to court... no. He likes me, though, because (cracks up) I sent him 75 gold.
  • First Jon arranges for the Pope to marry someone in his court just to "lock him down," but that tanks Kristina's chances of seducing him, so Jon hatches a plot to murder the Pope's new wife. But eventually...
    Jon: "He comes towards me, hesitantly at first, then eagerly!" Yes, we make love, the guards don't know about it! Yes! I have sexed the Pope! I have taken the Pope, I have made him Sexy, the Pope is now my boyfriend!
  • Kristina's husband is understandably upset about the affair, so Jon immediately breaks it off, tosses the Pope in prison with an act of tyranny, and negotiates his release to the tune of the entire Catholic treasury.
    Jon: This was one hell of a roundabout way of doing this. [...] There we go - I have kicked the Pope out of Italy, then I seduced him, then I managed to bring him to my kingdom, then I tossed him in prison, and now I have stolen literally all of the Catholic wealth in the cocking world. [...] Also, to be honest we don't really need to kill your wife anymore, she can like, just go with you, it's fine.
  • With the campaign objective reached, Jon spends the last twenty minutes of the series looking at how wide the Gren dynasty has spread, and reminisces about its rulers.
    • "Olaf, a man so obscure he didn't actually have parents, he was just found on a beach or something, it was kind of unclear..."
    • "...And then Orvar, Orvar the Redacted, because we don't talk about Orvar, because certain facts came to light about Orvar after his death. Like how he was a bit too into incest - now I'll admit, there's been a bit of incest in the empire since then, that was legitimate breeding experiments. Orvar, he was just into it because he was weirdly into incest. Orvar, you were not cool."
    • "But Jonn the Dane, he set up the Danelaw, he destroyed England once and for all, he avenged his disgrace, and that's why he gets to wear a great big hat."
    • "...Which brings us of course to Sexy Pope Odd 'the Scholar,' which we put in inverted commas 'cause he was actually Odd the Evil. Literally, he was flagged as "the evil" when people were voting for him as King of Sweden - a democractic system he abolished, because he was evil. He captured, he tortured, he abducted children and forced them to convert under threat of violence, he did a lot of flipping murder, but, in the end, you can't argue with results, alright?"
  • At the end of the episode, Jon decides not to go through with the "Restore the Roman Empire" decision, because it would be a betrayal of the empire's Viking heritage.
    Jon: Vikings are clearly better than Romans, which we have demonstrated by kicking the ass of Rome, kicking the ass of the Pope, kicking the ass of the Byzantine Emperor... in fact, even as far back as the days of Ylva, we were kicking the ass of supposedly Roman emperors. So yeah, I feel like that would be a step down for us, alright? The Sexy Viking Pope is way better than some bloody "Augustus."

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