- Jon's livestream of Skyrim Survival Mode with a Perma-Death stipulation comes a to close in the funniest way possible. After three excruciating hours where he triumphs over the cold, hunger, and the occasional glitch, Jon reaches Riften and marries Benor. Right as they leave the wedding hall, Jon is instantly attacked and killed by thugs due to something he stole hours ago, ending the run.
- Jon's Kill Everything run of Fallout 3 sees his character, Evil Jon, allow Butch's mother to be eaten by Radroaches and proceeds to use her corpse as a puppet to mock him.Jon: (falsetto) Butch? It's your mother. You are a huge disappointment - oh no the roaches are eating me... (drops her)
Jon: Oh... oh, Butch. Those last words...
Butch: She's dead! She'd dead, and you could have saved her!
Jon: (holding up Ellen's severed arm) Ah, come on, Butch. You can't blame me, she was completely unarmed.
- The name Jon chooses for his character in his Fallout: New Vegas You Only Live Once playthrough is "Please Don't Shoot" - Jon imagines that that would be the first thing his character says to Doc Mitchell, and because of a misunderstanding it is now his character's name.
- He then notes that, since middle names are generally not said, Jon jokes that when his character is introduced at parties they'd be called "Please Shoot".
- Jon flagrantly ignores Doc Mitchell's advice to "Take it slow."Doc Mitchell: It ain't a race.
Jon: Yay! Race!
- In Episode 17 of his New Vegas No Kill Run, Jon notes that he can't complete Boone's initial sidequest, as it requires that he lead somebody to their death, but he muses on the possibility of a parallel universe where he manages to showcase how he would do Boone's other sidequest, "I Forgot to Remember to Forget." Cue a cut to this alternate universe, where Jon is replaced by Claire speaking entirely in French.
- Fallout 4: Frost:
- During the first episode, Jon's creeping through the starting area and trying to find the way out. He finds a key next to a door, unlocks and opens it, and sees a swarm of Ghouls on the other side.Jon: I made a mistake I made a mistake I made a mistake!
- In Episode 6 of his playthrough, he goes half-mad from starvation and attacks some cows for food. What makes it even better is that the episode had been rather serious up to that point.Jon: Die, you mooing bastards! Die! Die! You mooing bastards! Die!
- During the first episode, Jon's creeping through the starting area and trying to find the way out. He finds a key next to a door, unlocks and opens it, and sees a swarm of Ghouls on the other side.
- The funniest part of the "Level 1 Nuka World" challenge is right in the first six minutes, where Jon speedruns his way through the game's intro, all the while roleplaying as the Lone Survivor, who is obsessed with getting to Nuka World.Nate: (as the nuke goes off) OH MY GOD!
Jon: Okay, but we're still going to Nuka World later, right?
- A livestream of House Flipper had Jon enjoying a house renovation without Claire, who is on holiday. He promptly turns the garage into a sauna, puts knives, guns, and a first-aid kit in the tiny children's bedroom, and adds a gun range with a picture of his cat in it. As he is working on the last one, he figures out, much to his horror, that Claire has been watching the stream, is in the chatroom, and will be home in a half-hour. He panics, bricks up the children's room, and proclaims that shooting the picture of the cat will give you negative points. Claire is still not impressed after she arrives home and he gives her a tour of the nearly finished house.
- Jon does a video for Imperator: Rome's 1.3 "Livy" update at the request of Paradox Interactive, and very clearly specifies that it's a sponsored video.Jon: And I thought to myself, "Well, I already like Imperator: Rome - you know, I made a fifteen-part series about it the moment it flipping came out - so I see no reason to turn down free money." So, that's where we are right now, so we're gonna make this video, and then Claire and I are off to Disney World! ...Okay, it wasn't that much, but it would probably stretch to Disneyland Paris.
- In his Mario Party 4 video with Claire, Jon decides that he can't allow Claire to earn enough coins to buy a star, so when the two get paired up for a minigame, he decides to throw it. Said minigame is a rowing game where you row by repeatedly pressing a button, so Jon decides to simply refuse to press the button. Claire's solution is to reach over and press the button on Jon's controller herself. The best part is that since there's no facecam, the only way you can tell what's happening is from Jon's protests and Claire's laughing.
- During his playthrough of Rome: Total War, anytime his Scythed Chariots go out of control and rip through his own phalanxes.Jon: Claire! It's happening again!
- And then there's Jon hysterical laughter when he manages to charge his war elephants into the rear of a tightly-packed mass of Roman infantry.
- Jon's Angrish over the many Anachronism Stews found in just the first episode of his Ryse: Son of Rome Let's Play.
- Jon plays Ultimate Fishing Simulator, and near the end of the video, is targeting a specific species of fish with no luck. He directs a question to his viewers that actually fish in real life.Jon: Do you hate fish? Like, by about the midpoint of the day, do you absolutely flipping despise fish? And are you driven by your hatred of fish, and by your desire to eventually see one pulled out of the water and gasp its last as you bat it to death with an oar? Because I'm starting to feel that way about the entire species of the black crappie.
Crusader Kings II
In Crusader Kings II, Jon's adventures as one of the mightiest empires known to history: Cornwall.
- Earl Cadoc tries to lay low during the Year(s) of the Three Kings, and while Norway, England and Normandy are occupied fighting over the throne of England, he quietly fabricates a claim and hires a mercenary army to take the neighboring county of Devon. Then, in the middle of the siege, William of Normandy decides he really needs to occupy the poorest corner of England, drawing in the Norwegians and sending Jon's paltry army fleeing.Jon: Why would this happen?! Why would you come over to attack me?!
- Apart from this, Jon spends most of the first episode as a Combat Commentator watching the foreign armies chasing each other across England. History goes Off the Rails when King Harald of Norway wins the war for the English crown and repels William the Bastard, leaving Cornwall among the former English vassals turned uneasy Norwegian clients.
- While Duke Cadoc snipes a county from Wales, Norway gets drawn into a two-front war against Sweden and Moray, which takes some unexpected turns at Norway's expense.Jon: (examining the map) There's another flipping army of... Wait. "Army of Moray?" Hang on... the Scottish army's counter-invaded Norway! You mad bastards!
- The second episode becomes a tense Race Against the Clock to see whether the aging Duke Cadoc will reign for the required ten years before he's able to change his realm's succession laws so that it will pass to his heir in one piece. Just months before the deadline Cadoc falls ill, and Jon reluctantly turns to his court physician for curing, even though his last treatment plan involved bloodletting to relieve a headache. The results are... surprising.Jon: (reading event message) "He presents me with the charred carcass of a cat..." That WORKED?! How did that work?! That apparently worked! How did eating a cat work?! [...] Right, apparently I'm Superman for the next five years because I ate a cat.
- When King Harald of Norway dies of old age, the title for England passes to a new ruler who declares the realm independent... but since Cornwall isn't a de jure part of England, it gets left behind as a Norwegian vassal, which Jon compares to not being invited to a birthday party.Jon: I was the one kid in class who was not invited to the party, no one even told me there was going to be a party, I just looked across the road and the party was happening and everyone was pretending they couldn't see me.
- One of King Conan III's sons is born Sickly, so Jon gives him a badass name to compensate: Havoc mab Conan. Sure enough, he survives his infancy and loses the Sickly trait. He's later joined by his little brother Crisis mab Conan, while the extended royal family sees (even more) unwanted female offspring, Yuselass mab Dunmarth and the tanist's daughter Orange (pronounced Or-AHNGE).
- Jon grows increasingly frustrated with his court physician, who's unable to cure the king's health problems before they develop into full-blown cancer, scuttling King Conan's dreams of conquest. He throws the quack into the dungeon, making the doctor hate him... but then still agrees when the doctor offers an experimental treatment, because what's he got to lose?Jon: I've still got the cancer! He didn't even cure the cancer, he just cut my face off!
- Poor King Jon not only gets to deal with disease outbreaks during his reign, but the game constantly reminding Jon how fat his character is. After putting his court into seclusion, Jon the Fat almost singlehandedly causes a food shortage through his gluttony, so that the court is soon Reduced to Ratburgers. Later he catches a courtier sneaking bites from the larder behind everyone's back, and amazingly, one of the potential responses to choose from is "Looks like meat's back on the menu!"Jon: Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa NO! Nonono chill out, Jon, we're not eating people! (mouses over "Cannibal" trait) It would make Martial go up by... hmmm. General Opinion minus ten, but, Martial up by three. I mean... I could do with Martial up by three, that's a lot more troops that actually respond to my call, probably because they're scared if they don't I might eat them.
- No one's interested in a matrilineal marriage to one of the royal family's spare daughters, but luckily there's a workaround.Jon: You, my good man, how would you like to come to court for entirely innocent reasons, just because you seem like a good sort of person, and I'd just like you to hang out here, and you know I really appreciate your advice, and you've got a really, really good beard, and any time you're flipping ready - there he flipping is. Alright, so he's arrived at court, that's marvelous, and now, I just need to... there he is. (goes to the Arrange Marriage option) Sorry, I Lied, you're actually just marrying her. [...] Okay, of all the people that I've forced my children and relatives to marry, this guy's not the worst in a long way.
- After the royal family takes some losses from plague, King Jon the Fat decides to have an affair with a courtier, not because he wants to, but out of duty to Cornwall. It's only after the rest of the court discovers his indiscretion that Jon looks at who he had his king sleep with, and learns she's a certified Lunatic with syphilis. To add insult to injury, the resulting bastard is not only born with the STD, but is female and useless to Jon's efforts to produce some Spares to the Throne.
- Late into his reign, not only have King Jon's courtiers been wasting years and treasure on a fruitless hunt for some fabled artifact, and not only has an attempt to expand into Brittany taken a dangerous turn, but his court physician is convinced he has the bubonic plague! Or maybe smallpox. No, it's definitely cancer. Strapping the fat king to a chair and making him sleep upright doesn't help, nor does drinking breast milk, so Jon reluctantly agrees to another extreme procedure to save the king: amputating a hand. Remarkably...Jon: You know what, don't, don't question it, because I don't have cancer anymore. She cut the cancer out of me. I suppose that is technically a thing that... does, vaguely make sense. A bit.
- Literally the first thing King Iliad does during his reign is make a move on a courtier who screams for the guards, and later he stupefies Jon by popping out a bastard with his cousin Yuselass without giving any indication that they were having an affair. He also catches the flu while on crusade, which his physician decides to treat with a laxative. Which somehow works.Jon: So I actually feel better, marvelous! Health +2, and apparently that also gave me... superpowers. So, yeah, that was apparently such a good bout of diarrhea, I'm actually much better at fighting, (cracks up) diplomacy, stewardship, learning... I don't really want to know how diarrhea has made me better at those things. But screw it, I'll go with it.
- Iliad's wife Agnes is discovered to be plotting to kill someone, which surprises Jon until he learns who she's after.Jon: Right, why do you want to kill Yuselass, precisely? Yuselass is my cousin who OH. Well. Yeah. Yeah, she was the cousin who I decided to have sex with, at some mysterious point that we never saw, that was very odd indeed. I can understand why you'd want her dead. To be honest, I kind of want her still around, because she's very good at producing chil-I should not bring that up right now, given that one of them is mine.
- King Iliad's interest in charting the movements of the heavens happens to coincide with a bout with dysentery, so that for a time his life is summed up as "running between the telescope and the toilet." Jon agrees to an experimental treatment to cure the illness, which results in Iliad losing an eye. Cue uncomfortable YouTube comments speculating how that cured him.
- The whole Iliad-Yuselass-Agnes situation comes to a head.Jon: "My wife, Agnes, asks me if I'm having an affair with Yuselass Cemeu-" I don't think I am, but apparently so! "Her stony expression does not reveal whether she knows or is only guessing." Right, apparently me and Yuselass wasn't only a one-time thing. Apparently I've been having an affair, with my cousin, for the past few years. No-one ever asked me about this! I don't approve of this! But apparently this is just a thing! [...] "Admit it but refuse to break up with Yuselass," "she might overreact" - honestly it isn't overreacting! I'm having a long-term sexual relationship with my own biological cousin!
- An attempt to install a puppet king to the throne of Scotland leads to Cornwall and their ally Denmark invading the highlands, but King Knud V of Denmark ends up in the dungeons of the Queen of Scotland. On the Isle of Man. The castle of which is currently occupied by Denmark.Jon: Seriously, how many people are actually guarding the Queen right now, because you literally hold the castle, yet somehow - did you just fall down the stairs and accidentally get yourself locked in prison, or something? [...] You had five thousand troops with you, how did she capture you?!
- When the war with Scotland wraps up and Jon takes a glance at England, he's baffled that, due to the fallout of the First Crusade and the vagaries of hereditary titles and royal succession, there's an independent kingdom within England proper.Jon: Oh, what... England and Jerusalem have just split. Right, well this is... okay! So the Kingdom of Jerusalem and the Kingdom of England have now split apart. So... right. The pious king, who is married to Orange, is now simply the King of Jerusalem. (cracking up) Which is located in Bedfordshire! Okay, what is Jerusalem... it's Bedford. Someone has taken the hymn "Jerusalem" a bit too bloody literally. Oh God... "'til we have built, Bedford, in England's green and pleasant lands."
- Part 17 starts with Jon feeling quite pleased with King Iliad's military and diplomatic successes. He can't even finish the sentence "Things looking very, very good indeed" before getting a health event about Iliad's phantom eyeball pain. Then minutes later, Iliad stops at a countryside inn run by a nervous innkeeper, notices a foul smell after the guy leaves, discovers a ton of manure hidden under the floorboards...Jon: "...then the floor explodes." (Stunned Silence) Right. So... Prince Achilleus, who I'm increasingly regretting the time I decided to make him my rival, decided to create an elaborate trap, in which he would lure me to an inn that was in fact a giant pile of manure that was going to... explode. Which is one way to assassinate me, I suppose. [...] [Iliad] didn't really "give up the ghost," he was exploded by a giant pile of explosive poo.
- Jon's initially impressed with the new King Connor's statline, until he notices that his epithet is "the Seducer," and all of the men in his court hate him because he's banging their wives. Jon eventually comes to assume that every child born during Connor's reign is one of his bastards, and is almost always correct.Jon: Is there anyone in the entire realm I haven't slept with?!
- The bad news: one of Connor's child-producing affairs was with the wife of Prince Achilleus, the schemer who killed the previous king. The good(?) news: Achilleus is actually quite fond of Connor. Very fond.
- Jon has one of those Paradox moments when he realizes that he can get some lands to pass to his young heir... if he gets Achilleus' infant daughter out of the way somehow.Jon: I feel bad about his, I do feel bad about this, but, if we basically throw her into the oubliette, she probably won't liv- oh god. Crusader Kings II has turned me into a monster! But, Hector, who is next in line, is, yeah, he's fourteen, and I think he could be persuaded to like me, and could potentially be a much... better vassal, oh god. Oh god, what have I done? I'm a monster.
- Despite all the problems King Connor's reckless libido causes, Jon can't help but get caught up in the romantic pursuit of the one woman who keeps turning him down, in seduction event after seduction event.Jon: Sooner or later, we are going to dice-roll our way into her pants!
- Having tossed his morals into the oubliette with an infant, Jon starts plotting to kill anyone who doesn't like him, including King Connor's own wife, and it turns out the members of Connor's harem are quite willing to get on board any sinister plots. He also wants to get rid of the "Hellspawn" branch of the family, and so when the King of France requests help with a revolt, Jon sends Sulphur with an understrength force in hopes of getting him killed.Jon: I've got it on good authority that, like, French people are made of paper, and tissue, they'll absolutely fall apart, they've got no chance against you whatso-flippin'-ever (Sulphur's army gets crushed) oh, oh no, it's all gone horribly wrong, oh no Sulphur's been shot - any chance that he's dead? He's not dead yet, but, that's fine. Problem was, Sulphur, you did that back on a Wednesday, and that's the day when French people aren't made of paper and tissue. Just go back on Thursday, try again, it'll all be abso-flippin'-lutely fine, alright?
- And then it turns out that not only does Sulphur survive the fight against the French revolt, he actually killed the revolt's leader to end it. Luckily, Jon has a backup plan.Jon: Sulphur, just go and stand over here, march through that diseased territory, then stand in that diseased territory. Maybe if we're lucky you'll get yourself nice and sick.
- And then it turns out that not only does Sulphur survive the fight against the French revolt, he actually killed the revolt's leader to end it. Luckily, Jon has a backup plan.
- Eventually one of King Connor's counts reveals himself as a Satanist and tries to recruit him. And Jon, having had his Heel Realization, decides to Jump Off the Slippery Slope. In moderation.Jon: "Begin my journey into forbidden knowledge." I mean... I feel like I'm not a particularly nice guy anyway, and everyone hates me, and there are a lot of people who I would like to die. And "could you do something about," yeah, I've got multiple rivals I wouldn't mind being dead, there's a lot of people - and I do have a snake pit... Oh, go on, then! We can have just one, you know, just one year of Satanism. After that point, I'm going clean. One bit of Satanism is not going to hurt. [...] Okay, let's just show some interest in Lucifer's Own as well, that strikes me as eminently reasonable, I'm just going to show a little bit of interest, so we'll see, we'll see what's going on. Oh god, this is going to end badly.
- When a foreign Femme Fatale arrives to officially induct King Connor the Seducer into Satan's clutches through some sort of sex ritual...Jon: If you're trying to seduce me, you've got this all backwards, I'm probably already trying to seduce you, it's just what I do. For any other king this might be a big deal, but for me it's a Tuesday.
- Jon can't read the 'decline event' option, "I can't do this, I'm a married man!" without bursting out laughing.
- Jon doesn't approve of Connor's Evil Costume Switch.
- Jon gets giddy about the prospect of having a wolf familiar, and is excited that the higher-level Satanic powers include Demonic Possession and "Absorb Life Force," potentially allowing Connor to devour the essence of his many, many bastard children to live forever.Jon: Oh wow, Satan's awesome, I love Satan!
- But it turns out selling your soul to dark powers can have adverse effects on your health. Who'd have thought?Jon: Right, "Magical Corruption." Martial, Intrigue, Fertility, and - oh, Health down. Well this is not what I need when I'm suffering from cancer. I need to magically heal myself with Satanism, from the damage I've done to myself with... Satanism. It's going to work out, alright!
- Sadly, the devil-worshiping King Connor dies before advancing far enough within Lucifer's Own to get access to magic that would cure his cancer.Jon: If nothing else, I like to think King Connor died as he lived: in the bedchamber of somebody who wasn't actually his wife, giving them a good tumble, she's probably flipping pregnant because he was the most fertile man in the world... Yes indeed, "He gave up the ghost at the age of 41, he died of cancer. Ever temperate, he never let his baser urges get the better of him?! (laughing) A godly man, he is with the Lord now," right, we also bribed the guys who wrote the obituaries.
- Jon tries to play King Hektor as the anti-Connor, and even joins the Benedictine Order to prove his piety! But he also proceeds to break a truce with England to take advantage of an opportunity to screw over Mercia, produces bastards while supposedly in seclusion contemplating the Bible, and steals a Nail of the True Cross and murders a fellow Order member to cover his tracks, the result of a failed attempt to get Hektor the "Ambitious" trait.Jon: Oh, [my Devotion level] it's got slower, because I'm losing Virtues, because I keep making terrible, not-Christian-virtuous decisions. So there's a moral in there somewhere, I'm just not sure...
- King Hektor receives a dinner invitation from Duke Cadoc the Second. Who has the "Possessed by Satan" and "Cannibal" traits. Jon accepts.Jon: Okay. So. We've just learned a valuable lesson, which is: when the Satanic cannibal invites you to a meal... don't go. Just, just don't go. In general, do not go, alright? That's the important... okay.
- The kicker is that the "Possessed" trait isn't hyperbole, King Connor did indeed perform a dark ritual to ensure that Cadoc was possessed by a demon to make him more compliant. In other words, King Connor inadvertently set things up so that he ended up killing his successor from beyond the grave.Jon: Just because Connor's dead, it doesn't mean we're safe.
- The kicker is that the "Possessed" trait isn't hyperbole, King Connor did indeed perform a dark ritual to ensure that Cadoc was possessed by a demon to make him more compliant. In other words, King Connor inadvertently set things up so that he ended up killing his successor from beyond the grave.
- After eulogizing the late King Hektor, Jon is optimistic when introducing the new Queen Yuselass, until he realizes something in the middle of his speech.Jon: We welcome our first female ruler: welcome Queen uh-oh... How many weak claims exist against us right now? 'cause, probably quite a few, and now Queen Yuselass is on the throne, they can all be acted upon - like, the downside to my plan of going around spreading my dynasty around is, there's a lot of people out there who probably have weak claims on me. UH-OH.
- Jon finds it safest to assume that every child coming of age during Yuselass' reign is one of Connor's bastards, and potentially a Satanic sleeper agent.
- Queen Yuselass has quite a virtuous run, and proves an able ruler who expands Cornwall's domain while also going on religious pilgrimages, building churches, and going into contemplative seclusion, so that she earns the epithet "the Holy." Then she gets her heir married to a widowed Princess of Scotland, which would allow him to inherit a title to that kingdom... if his new wife's previous children were to meet with an unfortunate accident before any new sons are born.Jon: So, we're all agreed we're murdering the baby. Excellent, let's just kill all of these babies, we need all of her male children to die, this is... this is not the worst thing I've done. But it's pretty bad...
- King Catastrophe's reign gets off to a rocky start due to unhappy vassals and failed attempts to rake in Prestige through wars against excommunicated neighbors, which isn't helped when his forty-year-old queen fails to produce any heirs. Jon starts making contingency plans in case she outlives her usefulness, and then something terrible happens.Jon: Oh no, this is the worst thing that could happen! I've fallen in love with my wife! Oh, no, no no no no no! This is a problem! Because now she's not pregnant, but I do love her, and that means now that if she has an accident, like she's just walking under an aqueduct and it happens to collapse on her head or something of that nature, now I'm going to be sad about it!
- Then Jon notices that the Queen would make a competent Spymaster, and comes up with an important mission for her: stealing technology from regions suffering from epidemics.Jon: So you just get on with that, right there, have fun, and like, you know, if you catch smallpox, I'll be so sad at your funeral... Quite frankly I'm quite proud of that plan, that plan is cocking genius.
- Then Jon notices that the Queen would make a competent Spymaster, and comes up with an important mission for her: stealing technology from regions suffering from epidemics.
- King Catastrophe's philandering finally produces a male child, which Jon immediately legitimizes and Squees over.Jon: Oooh, we're gonna have a special summer fair for this! Special summer fair! Everyone come to the fair, alright, this is the I Have A Son Fair, we're gonna have a parade, and we're gonna put Joy on top of the parade, and I'm gonna carry him around and wave at the crowd, and I'm gonna pick up his tiny little baby arm and make him wave at the crowd too and everyone's gonna be like "Oh he's so adorable isn't he?" and he is, 'cause he looks just like me, it's gonna be beautiful! Just to reinforce the point I might just stick a fake mustache, a terrible, terrible mustache, on the baby, just so everyone understands what the point is.
- Meanwhile the king's unwanted wife just refuses to die, even after visiting areas ravaged by every epidemic known to man, even after getting Jon's hopes up by falling ill at one point.Jon: ...She's recovered. She just got over the camp fever. She's fifty-eight years old, I specifically ordered doctors not to treat her, and she's just recovered. She's never going to die. She's just going to live here, my entire - she's probably going to outlive me!
- There's a moment of panic when the crown of France, including its holdings in Spain, passes to the next Holy Roman Emperor, leaving nearly all of western Europe under the control of one man with tens of thousands of soldiers at his disposal. To make matters worse, neither the new Emperor nor King Catastrophe have any daughters for some Altar Diplomacy, only sons.Jon: I don't suppose you guys would be interested in maybe, like, a very early, 13th Century gay marriage or something?
- The Unkillable Wife is deployed to Norfolk in pursuit of a smallpox outbreak, only for the disease to immediately clear the region.Jon: She's not just resistant to disease, she actively drives it away!
- King Catastrophe takes a break from his failed marriage to spend some time with his mistress, only to contract Lover's Pox, which ends up making him less healthy than the wife he keeps sending to plague outbreaks. On the upside, after sending his mistress to a nunnery, Jon checks who her other lover was and finds out who's been infecting most of the Cornwall court with a venereal disease.Jon: Right, this guy's going in prison. Officially, it's because of the whole, you know, leading a plot against some guy, I don't know who it is. But unofficially, it's because he's just managed to indirectly give the king, I don't know, herpes or something.
- Jon finally gets out of his marriage when his wife suffers an unfortunate accident while leaning on her balcony railing one morning. He notes that immediately afterward, Europe suffers a massive outbreak of measles, consumption, and slow fever.
- The final years of Emperor Catastrophe's life turn out to be a race to complete his magnum opus before poor health claims him, and Jon is disheartened when his character gets hit with "Incapable" before his work is done.Jon: Now I'm just curious whether the Magnum Opus is still happening, or whether that gets auto-canceled, because I feel like - I can't really be writing it, surely? (event pops up) No, I am still writing the Magnum Opus! Despite the fact that I've completely lost it and am lying comatose in a bed, I am still writing the book!
- Emperor Michel spends his last years running strategic assassination plots to ensure the right man gets picked as the tanist, before provoking a duel with someone fifty years younger than him. When Emperor Happiness takes over, Jon is surprised that the guy is Eastern Orthodox and culturally Greek, which turns out to be pretty consequential.Jon: So, I transferred power to Happiness... who was already the King of England... the Kingdom of England was, and remains, primogeniture... He can't be tanist anymore! I accidentally abolished tanistry because he's not Breton! And tanistry's exclusive to - WHAT HAVE I DONE?! Oh no. I've just changed the empire over to gavelkind! By mistake! Oh, that's... that's not going to... oh no, no, no that wasn't supposed to happen!
- While nervously waiting out the clock to fix the empire's succession laws, Emperor Happiness accidentally creates a merchant republic in East Anglia, then makes a move on Scotland by finding a Scottish woman with an inheritable strong claim on the kingdom, marrying her into Cemeu dynasty, and then declaring war to put her on the Scottish throne. The war takes some twists and turns with the Norwegians getting involved and the Byzantines making a move while Jon's distracted, but in the end Scotland has a new queen with a Cornish husband.Jon: Still, we have done something very important here, which is we- (death notification) Did you [her husband] just die? Did you just cocking die im-flipping-mediately? Did you just die within flipping seconds of - she's single. Oh cock. This... this is not what I needed. I don't have anyone to marry to her anymore. What, no... Right. So, I've been screwed over by consumption, because my plan was "if worst comes to worst, then they'll have children who are of my house and I can play as them." So once again that plan hasn't worked out, so... who else has a claim on Scotland who wants to help me boot her out?
- When the Jeanne d'Archétype event fires, Jon becomes quite enamored with this Perenn, the "Holy Maid of Glamorgan," and decides she would make a great (chaste) wife. His character is already married, but that's a minor problem.Jon: I know I'm doing the right thing, because Perenn is on-board. Perenn is one-hundred-percent on board with me killing my own wife.
- When Emperor Happiness hits sixty, Jon realizes he should keep a closer eye on the royal succession. Less than a minute later, Happiness suddenly dies. After taking in the new Emperor Morhaetho's position and lack of quality successors, Jon decides to breed a generation of great rulers through courtiers with the Genius trait. Five minutes later, he gets a notification about something called the "Black Death" appearing in Mongol-held lands to the east.Jon: That's... that's interesting. That's very interesting. I mean, presumably it, it's just, you know, going to burn itself out over there, I don't see any realisitc chance it's going to make its way over to Europe and kill basically everyone, that wouldn't happen, right? That's definitely not going to happen.
- Since the game inexplicably gives him the option to, Jon decides Emperor Morhaetho will join the Assassins, secretly converting to Shia Islam, while attempting to make the Catholic Pope lift an excommunication, by taking part of a crusade to defeat the Jewish kingdom of Bohemia. After murdering his wife to prove his devotion to his new cause, Jon decides to train Morhaetho's youngest son in the lethal arts. His training goes well until Jon decides to hire some thugs to menace the boy as a test.Jon: Oh, he died... Okay, so, in many ways, training my own son as an Assassin didn't work out. But, had he not died at the end there, it might have worked. It would have been better had he not died, I'll agree, but...
- A disease outbreak in Cornwall proper might be a blessing in disguise.Jon: Wait, is more than one disease allowed to exist at the same time? Is Cornwall about to be saved from the Black Death by Camp Fever and smallpox, because the Black Death can't physically make it over? Because that would be kind of hilarious, yes.
- Between the Black Death and a civil war, Emperor Morhaetho ends up borrowing money from everyone to stay afloat, including the head of the Assassins. When said leader shows up later to demand repayment, Jon refuses, even though it will mean harsh consequences. Sure enough, Grand Master Trados issues a mission to "encourage" Emperor Morhaetho to repay the gold... which he issues to Emperor Morhaetho.Jon: If I actually accept this mission, then presumably nobody else does... yes, I'm going to accept this mission. So, you can certainly trust me to get on with collecting the outstanding money. That is 100% definitely a thing you can trust me to get right on.
- Apropos of nothing, Jon remarks how sad he'll be when Perenn dies. Literally a minute later...
- The young Emperor Morhaetho the Second has an innovative new goal for his administration - going his entire reign without murdering his wife. Instead he decides to murder his wife's brother, to make her the future Queen of Italy, a title which would be inherited by the next Emperor of Cornwall. Which makes his wife hate him. Before they've actually conceived an heir.Jon: So, she's not desperately keen on me right now, to be honest, no. I really hope we can get out a child, though - the thing is, we need a son. The fact that she doesn't like me is irrelevant.
- When Italy revolts against Queen Anna, Emperor Ohdear's mother, Jon wonders whether he should get involved.Jon: Here's the thing: there's two ways that this war works out for me. Way number one is that we offer military assistance, march our troops all the way over to Italy, put down the revolt, and ensure that Queen Anna stays on the throne, meaning we don't get Italy yet. Or, in the event that, say, Queen Anna were to just, (goes to "Plot to Kill" menu) you know, slightly, unfortunately die, because, you know - it's not Mother's Day today, right? No, it's the 23rd of November, that's not Mother's Day. Let's just, very, very quickly check in, on whether, just in theory, this could be made to work. The answer would appear to be... no, no she's quite popular. That was never the plan, by the way, that was just potentially a nice-to-have - right, um, so, Mother Dear, I think we might need to, yeah, actually, help you out.
- After Emperor Ohdear brings the Empire of Cornwall to new heights, Jon expresses concern that his heir, the child Queen Leanne of Aragon, is being raised by another royal house beyond his control, and concludes that the best thing to do is have Ohdear make the ultimate sacrifice so Jon can start playing as Leanne and have some say in her development. The "bad" news is that Ohdear is basically unkillable no matter how many battles Jon throws him into, the "good" news is that someone assassinates Leanne, so there's no reason for the emperor to kill himself.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
- Jon's Skyrim character is a female Breton (also named Jon) with one blind/magical eye with face paint around it.Jon: From this side, she looks like a normal person, and then you call her over or get her attention, boom, wizard!
- During Alduin's attack on Helgen at the game's start, he manages to accidentally peg himself in the back of his head with his "meteor shower" shout.
- One of Jon's self-restrictions for the playthrough is "no forging," and as his character proves, that's probably for the best.
- Jon explains the importance of getting on an NPC's good side.Jon: Because you know what friends do in Skyrim? Friends let each other steal stuff from their houses.
- A bar brawl with a mouthy bard ends up going poorly, first when the town drunk runs in front of Jon's fist, turning the whole establishment aggressive, and then when Jon gets so wrapped up in explaining how he's able to heal during the fight that he doesn't actually heal during the fight.Jon: ...I forgot to heal. I was looking at his thing instead of mine.
- "Because of the odd way that clothing works in this game, because he had civilian clothing on him, the Belted Tunic, and I hover over it and I'm a woman, I know, therefore, to me it looks like a dress. Which means I now know that Arvel the Swift was wandering around with a dress on his person, which is fine, because what he does on weekends is entirely his business and nobody else's."
- Jon navigates a bladed pendulum trap.Jon: And right through... (splorch) No, that wasn't the right place- (splorch) That also wasn't the right place! (splorch) This still isn't the right place! (splorch) ...Okay. That was how you don't go through those.
- Jon takes advantage of Lucan Valerus' gratitude by helping himself to some choice goods from Lucan's shop, only to have a guard called on him after Lucan watches Jon try to pick a chest. After being hauled to Whiterun for processing, Jon returns to Riverwood and spitefully takes everything that won't be marked stolen, and tosses the golden dragon claw into the fire.
- Our hero spends most of his first dragon fight cowering in a tower while NPCs do the heavy lifting, only to rush out at the last minute, whack the dragon's corpse with a mace, and declare it "My kill!"Jon: That was totally my kill, I was the one who got the killing blow, alright? That's how the historians are going to tell the story of the Dragonborn.
- "Was that glorious enough for you? You were killed by the corpse of something you had already successfully killed, then finished off by me, lovely."
- When it comes to his new Flame Atronach, Jon is Not Distracted by the Sexy, but has questions.Jon: Going to be honest, I'm a little bit uncomfortable, by the way, with how my Flame Atronach is "sexy." Why would my Flame Atronach have boobs? It's not exactly going to feed anyone, is it? [...] Why is my Flame Atronach designed to be sexy and female? That's, that's weird...
- Jon can't find a single Mammoth Tusk on a mammoth corpse.Jon: I am not the brightest Breton in the world.
- After buying Breezehome (but lacking the money to furnish it), Jon's annoyed that his housecarl gets a fully-furnished room in his home, and that he wasn't consulted on any of it.Jon: Oh, it's you! Lydia! You live in the spare room, got it, okay! Well that makes me feel better, but you didn't actually... like, ask. Like, this was actually sold to me as a good thing that you lived here, rather than "by the way, you're gonna have to provide her with lodging." 'cause, this honestly feels like more of an imposition, like she doesn't pay rent. She lives with me, and takes up a bedroom, but she pays no rent. This just feels like a con...
- "Come along, naked guy, me and you are going on adventures together, and yeah, hopefully no one, like, you know, asks any awkward questions about why I'm traveling around with a naked elf."
- In Part 6, Jon ends up wandering away from his quest to explore Shearpoint. Skyrim veterans can guess how well it goes. He ends up pulling a loot-and-dash on the Word Wall and treasure chest, kiting the dragon over to Fellglow Keep in hopes that the rogue mages there will help him kill it, going through the dungeon (if not clearing it properly since he hasn't joined the Mages Guild yet), returning to Shearpoint, finding both the dragon and Krosis hanging out, and ultimately deciding to move on.
- "And now I've just got a naked woman with a dagger following me, marvelous."
- Jon agrees to help Golldir clear out Hillgrund's Tomb to stop an evil necromancer from defiling the place, even though Jon himself regularly raises the dead and loots tombs.Jon: Also, by the way, while we're going through this tomb that's kind of all in honor of your ancestors, would you object massively if I, like, robbed all the offerings, and also brought your ancestors back from the dead to actually serve as my undead thralls for a short time, about sixty to a hundred and twenty seconds? Good with that? Good, excellent, because that's what we're doing.
- "Right, we're gonna need extra friends here. I'm summoning something from Oblivion. Don't mind me, I know I am, you know, the sort of terribly magic-y necromancer sort of thing you hate, but it's all right."
- With the enemies scaling up to the point that Jon's having trouble beating them in a DPS race, he resorts to using the Ritual Stone to animate a room's worth of corpses to clear Lost Knife Hideout, laughing maniacally all the while.Jon: I've got an undead army! This is the best thing!
- In Part 8, after getting distracted and clearing three different dungeons since leaving Whiterun to answer the Graybeards' summons, Jon insists that he's definitely making it to Ivarstead that day. After maybe rescuing Derkeethus. And seeing what's at Mistwatch. And going off the beaten path specifically because it isn't marked by a nearby signpost. And exploring Snapleg Cave....YouTube comment: "We're MAKING it to Ivarstead today damn it..."
"...now I'm curious, what happens if you Fury a goat...?
- "Aww, I'm dead and inside a cart, that's the ultimate humiliation."
- Jon gets the random encounter with the Carvains trying to reach a wedding in Solitude, but unfortunately "The bear is still around!" In the chaos that follows, Jon hits the group with a Fus to turn them aggressive, and ends up having to use Sparks to put down the survivor with a "It's treason, then."
- Jon's plan for Autumnwatch Tower is to sneak up, learn the Word of Power, loot any treasure, and kite the dragon to a nearby Imperial army camp. Instead he misses the Word the first time, gets overencumbered looting the chest so he can only stagger away while the dragon bathes him in fire, and then nearly succumbs to his ADD while escaping.Jon: Right, go go go go go! There we go! Now, just start running, there's - ooh, what's this over here? Don't explore! This is a terrible time to go flipping exploring!
- "Look, Ivarstead is on the compass, that counts! If we don't make it to Ivarstead today, it was on the compass, and that one hundred percent counts!"
- Somehow, Jon is able to reach Ivarstead, three episodes and over three hours after setting out to go there, and actually gets emotional over it.Jon: ...That's it. I think that's actually it, this is Ivarstead! (turns away) On the other hand, there's like this - no, no, we're going to Ivarstead! We've made it! [...] I'm somehow genuinely surprised, it just didn't feel like a thing that was ever going to happen...
- While plundering Shroudhearth Barrow, Jon easily evades a flooded pit trap, decides to dive in and explore it, pulls a lever within it, locks himself underwater, and drowns.Jon: Basically, good job, me, all around.
- Jon acknowledges the YouTube comments warning that he's creating a Master of None character by spreading his perks among the One-Handed, Block, Light Armor, Destruction, Conjuration, Illusion, and Sneak skill trees. Then he sinks his next perk into Enchanting, the slowest and most difficult crafting skill to level.
- After learning the Kyne's Peace shout, Jon dismisses it as useless. Ten minutes later, he's fleeing into Ivarstead to escape two bears he encountered on the Seven Thousand Steps.YouTube comment: Spends 3 Episodes getting repeatedly killed, chased and fighting Bears, Wolves and Sabercats.
"Oh, its that shout that makes animals friendly. I would never use that under any circumstances."
- Then he runs into a Blood Dragon while climbing the mountain, leads it into town too, and spends an in-game day playing hide-and-seek with the thing while the guards do most of the fighting.Jon: And these guards seem to be quite capable of... Oh dear. I literally said, "Oh, these guards are capable of standing and fighting" - no, as it turns out, they're not.
- To deal with the infamous Frost Troll on the path to High Hrothgar, Jon lets a nearby NPC do the tanking, which leaves her dead. He's sad for all of a moment before he checks her corpse and sees all the great loot she's carrying.Jon: Okay! There's so many reasons I'm glad you're dead, sorry!
- When Jon resorts to using a Staff of Paralysis on his "fiancee" during the "Night to Remember" quest, the viewers don't let the implications slide.YouTube comment: And then Jon said to the paralysed Hagraven bent over on the floor, "I prefer you like that."
- Jon decides to give adventuring with a companion a try, and recruits Golldir from Hillgrund's Tomb. It takes all of twenty minutes for Jon to tag his companion with the Marked for Death shout during combat, dooming the NPC to an untimely demise.Jon: I feel bad about that, but not bad enough to reload a save. Sorry, Golldir, rest in peace. Anything good on you?
- Marked for Death continues to cause problems when a dragon buzzes Windhelm and Jon's shout goes through it to hit a civilian NPC, turning the guards hostile even as the dragon's spewing fire.Jon: No! No! No, that's not fair, put that away! We have so, so many, so many more important things to do right now! [...] How can you do this to me?! I saved you from a dragon! You're all gits!
- At the start of Part 14, Jon declares he's continuing the main story and seeking the Horn of Jurgen Windcaller. Less than a minute and a half later, he's going in the complete opposite direction of his quest marker because of something he spotted on the compass.Jon: Yeah, I know I said we're going after the Horn of Jurgen Something-Or-Other, but no, I'm a bit distracted, because I like the look of that symbol up there.
- Then he ends up clearing Dead Men's Respite purely because there weren't any guards out front to stop him from going in. It's only after he finds King Olaf's Verse that he remembers the Bards' College quest that's supposed to send him there.Jon: (to the ghost of Svaknir) Yeah, um, I'd like to pretend that I came here because I had such a deep appreciation for your poetry or music or whatever, but actually, um... I just came in for the loot.
- Benor's recruitment is a bit of a farce, a fistfight so tediously drawn-out that Jon fast-forwards through it to old-timey ragtime piano music.Jon: Screw you, I'm the toughest man in Morthal! Assuming I'm allowed to run away and heal five or six times.
Benor: You're a real fighter. I like that. You ever need my steel at your side, you just ask.
Jon: Beautiful, you are my new companion, welcome aboard.
Benor: You've been a good friend to me. That means something.
Jon: (cracking up) "You've been a good friend to me?!" We met five minutes ago, I blatantly cheated in a fistfight and stole a hundred gold off you, but nope, I've been a good friend to him, come along, you're coming with me!
- The subsequent murder mystery gets a bit silly, too.Helgi's Ghost: Who's there? Is that you, father?
Jon: Uh, no, random investigator and his supposed friend who he just beat the hell out of, actually. "Who are you?" I ask the character labeled "Helgi's Ghost."
- "We probably shouldn't make assumptions. Just because she sleeps in a basement, in a coffin, doesn't mean she is necessarily a vampire... but I'm going to be honest, it is rather likely."
- Jon is running a lighting mod to make interiors darker, which led him to get a mod to make the Candlelight spell more powerful to compensate, which makes his attempts at stealth a little counterintuitive.Jon: Nice and slow... nice and slow... right behind him... ignore the giant floating thing of light, it's not important...
- When Delphine asks whether Jon is indeed the Dragonborn, he has to add some qualifiers.Delphine: Can you do it? Can you devour a dragon's soul?
Jon: I absolutely can, but for the most part I need someone to kill the dragon for me, so we're like halfway there, yes.
Delphine: We're going to go there, and we're going to kill that dragon. If we succeed, I'll tell you anything you want to know.
Jon: Okay, but if Benor and a Frost Atronach kill it, will you at least tell me half of what I want to know? No, actually, you know what, I'm kind of a team of three - so a third of what I want to know, that seems like a fair deal, right?
- Afterward, Jon has to ask about how Delphine's drawing her conclusions when she blames the Thalmor for the dragon resurgence.Jon: And other than your casual racism against elves, what possible reason would you assume the elves are behind the dragons?
Delphine: Nothing solid. Yet. But my gut tells me it can't be anyone else.
Jon: Casual racism then, got it.
- After only two episodes with his new companion, "Where's Benor?" and "Is Benor still alive?" have become new playthrough catchphrases alongside "That bear's still around!"
- "Ooh, cellar. Go on them, why not, let's see if you've got any deep dark secrets down here..." (Smash Cut) "No, I think I've just crept into a child's bedroom while she's sleeping - okay, I didn't mean to be that creepy."
- Jon's set on becoming Thane of Winterhold, even though it's literally three buildings on the edge of an icy cliff. "And I want to be mayor of the world's crappiest town, that sounds fun to me."
- Benor gets stuck in his "downed" stance, making him next to useless, but catching a Falmer sword in the face fixes it.Jon: Right, Benor, next time you ask for a sick day, we're trying that first, this is coming back to haunt you, quite frankly.
- Jon happens upon the burning remains of the Hall of the Vigilant, and looks for clues as to what destroyed it on the bodies nearby.Jon: Problem is, what killed all of you? And is it still around? And are you going to mind if I steal absolutely all your stuff and sell it later?
- To find a Thieves Guild contact for a quest out of Winterhold, Jon resorts to fast-traveling to the Rift and then swimming down a river straight to Riften, to avoid anything that might distract him.Jon: Head straight down here to the river, ignore literally everything aside from the fact... oooh, there is a bright thing right - okay, no no no, just work around it, work around it, for once don't get distracted. Just for once, do not get distracted, pay no attention to that whatsover, just dive in the river, and go for a lovely swim down to Riften. 'kay? There we are, marvelous, river, swim - who are those guys over there? Like, it's just weird to find two guys just standing in the middle of no- okay, I'm going to speak to these guys, but I'm not doing a quest for them.
- Jon's not sure about Tolfdir, since on the one hand he takes his students on a field trip after five minutes of lessons on the first day of school, but on the other he's happy to take those students into a dangerous, unexplored ruin so they can learn the importance of caution.Jon: So basically you're a superficially cheerful old man who's pefectly happy for your students to get horribly maimed and whatever, in order to teach them a lesson. This guy might be Dumbledore in disguise.
- "...And then I exploded, for no reason."
- Jon kicks off Part 19 enjoying his new Orcish Mace of Burning, but the game proves its sadism by pitting him against a Draugr Deathlord that knows ZUN HAAL VIIK.Jon: Y'see, now this is a problem, because as you're aware, my Perception is legendarily poor. And right now this is, this is a room which is covered in like, you know, an irregular pattern on the floor, meaning I could look straight at it and very easily overlook it. You've probably seen it and you're probably already yelling at me in the comments, but... I've got no bloody clue where the flipping orcish mace has gone.
- Jon's questing at the College of Winterhold gets derailed when the librarian disappears into the terrain outside the college. One episode later, Jon resorts to console commands to get Urag out, only to later learn that he wasn't moving the NPC, but spawning duplicates of the NPC.Jon: This is why I should not be trusted with console commands. Oh god, do not look over there, alright, I think the universe might explode if you do.
- Jon explains why it's fine for him to traffic in Black Soul Gems.Jon: I'm a necromancer, I feel like that's fine, that's the sort of thing that doesn't really bother me in the slightest. Like, you know, if I'm going to be summoning the undead from hell to serve me, in many ways maybe it doesn't matter so much...
- Jon comes to an arrangement with the Caller of Fellglow Keep.
- In Mzulft, Jon has fun taking advantage of the Falmer's blindness to sneak up on them with Muffle and brain them with his mace, but complains how Benor's too noisy to contribute. Then Jon whiffs a swing, flees to hide behind Benor, buffs him and the enemies with Rally, heals a Falmer instead of Benor twice, freezes Benor and the remaining Falmer with an Ice Form shout, and thaws his follower by bathing him in the Flames spell.
- One of the Falmer does the Bethesda Corpse Dance.
- Jon spends most of Part 23 tromping around the coast of Winterhold, looking for a dremora's treasure. He's unimpressed with the haul and wishes for more, completely missing the second treasure chest sitting against the one he checked.
- Poor Benor takes a lot of punishment in Part 24, like when Jon Shouts him down a pit to get to a lower floor, or when Jon blasts him through a narrow passage to a troll lair, both ways.
- After completing the College of Winterhold's questline, Jon is recognized as its new Archmage, equips the best magic robes in the game, and continues on with his adventures. Almost as soon as he leaves Winterhold, he's ganked by a bear.YouTube comment: Becomes literally the most powerful wizard in the world. Runs off and gets killed by a bear literally five minutes later.
- When Jon stumbles upon Septimus Signus' outpost and gets the quest to retrieve an Elder Scroll, the comments section notes that the game's main storyline has interrupted Jon's random wanderings.
- By Part 26, Jon is wearing the Morokei dragon priest mask, the Archmage's Robes, and some enchanted Cultist's Gloves and Glass Boots, so "literally nothing matches, I'm the most ridiculously stupidly gaudy mage in the world."
- Jon's exploration of Blackreach takes a turn when Benor goes charging off into the darkness and disappears for much of Part 27. When Jon eventually finds his companion stuck on a rock, he has to vent a bit.Jon: Do you have ANY idea how worried I was?! I thought you'd DIED!! (Shouts him off a cliff) You deserve this!
Benor: I'm still here.
Jon: (choked up) That's good to know, Benor, alright, I was worried. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm just a bit emotional right now, I thought you were dead.
- After reading the comments section urging him to do so, Jon uses Unrelenting Force on the glowing orb in Blackreach.Jon: To the person who told me to do that and didn't tell me what it was going to do: you're a dick.
- Jon's unsettled when he's greeted by a mass of tentacles and disembodied eyeballs, but does agree to be Hermaeus Mora's servant.Jon: As someone who regularly raises creatures from the depths of hell, you look like the sort of god I ought to be kind of following the teachings of. Yes, I am totally your servant, my lord.
Hermaeus Mora: Indeed. Speak with me when the box has been opened, and all shall be revealed.
Jon: ...Okay, now I'm really up for opening the box. Let's go murder ourselves some elves, here.
- He's able to find most of his required blood samples from Falmer ruins and bandits without trouble, but Jon resorts to attacking a Bosmer hunter for the last, under the logic that the guy confessed to poaching, so Jon was meting out he jarl's justice.Jon: You know, I feel good about this - not only have we got all the blood, I think as far as we can tell - like, you know, some of it might be a little bit on the dubious side - but, pretty much every single person who died to get this blood had it coming in some capacity.
- "...Was that just a bloody bone that just rolled down the hill? Oh, that's a good sign. That's a good-" (to Uthgerd) "Okay, ignore that, ignore that, don't pay any attention to it, I'm sure we're going into a lovely, friendly place."
- Jon's pretty honest with the Daedric Prince of Betrayal.Boethiah: Tell me, why have you slain this one, who trusted you, here upon my shrine?
Jon: I once got to a new town, and she immediately started punching me in the face in a bar fight that took a really annoyingly long amount of time to get done, so... yeah. Kind of that. I have slain her to gain your favor - or rather your priestess said it would gain your favor. Not sure why, I can't remember what the reward for this quest is, but it was here so I thought I'd do it.
- In Part 30, Jon admits that Benor is his one true love, but also that his episode of solo questing proves that "I don't need him, I am, you know, a strong, independent woman, I can go out and handle stuff by myself."
- Jon is naturally fine with converting Azura's Star into a reusable Black Soul Gem.Jon: Sure, it's a little bit "evil" and "monstrous" to be capturing the souls of humans, and then using them to just make, you know, slightly good weaponry, that Benor will wear for like, you know, a couple of weeks before I bin it or sell it to Belathor's general goods before I make something else, but... you know what, I summon monstrosities from Hell, I think we're beyond good and evil at this point.
- Jon's still having trouble with traps.
- Goats are unreliable minions.
- "Also, get involved in drama. Drama... drama... that's a chicken. Are we playing the music because of the chicken?"
- Jon climbs a mountain to approach Northwind Summit from the north, finds himself horribly outmatched by an Elder Dragon, flees down the mountainside and runs into Northwind Mine, regroups with Benor and goes through it... and emerges back on Northwind Summit to find the dragon waiting for him.
- Jon, who is still trying to sneak up on people with a supercharged Candlelight spell hovering over his head: "Benor, you're not exactly the most subtle thing in the world, are you?"
- Jon mistakes Black-Briar Lodge for one of their breweries, antagonizes the guards by wandering onto the property with his weapons out, kills everyone and doesn't understand why the lodge's goods are marked as "stolen" after he's won them "by right of conquest," and muses about settling down there with Benor someday.
- When Jon finally reaches Riften and begins exploring the city, he discovers the entrance of Riftweald Manor is barred from the inside, and becomes determined to get into it. Through a combination of Shouting and roof climbing he's able to reach the one unlocked door, get in, and find a bunch of incriminating documents and quest items from late in the Thieves Guild questline.Jon: ♪ I am the king, the king of doors, the king of doors with dra-gon shouts! ♪
- "...another statue of Dibella, in case I wanted to take that home and arrange them as if they were making out, that might be fun."
- The game breaks in a different way when Jon starts the Thieves Guild quest chain and is directed to open a rock, depositing him in an eerily empty version of Riften for some skullduggery before he returns to the world of the Open Cities mod.
- Jon meets Grelod the Kind and wants to kill her, but doesn't want to do so too soon for fear of breaking a quest.
- When returning to Winterhold on errands, Jon's dismayed that Urag gro-Shub is in a snowbank again, and laments that "We may need to clone more librarians." Then he finds two Urags leaving the faculty dorm.Jon: ...Were you guys just sharing a bed? 'cause that's, that's even weirder.
Urag: What're you lookin' at?
Jon: I'm looking at an orc who was accidentally magically cloned and now appears to be involved in an incestuous relationship with himself, which is... okay, fine, maybe I should try and just not judge.
- "Oh yeah, I think I accidentally took my clothes off at one point but forgot to put them back on again, hang on. That's... okay, I did not make a good first impression on the jarl, there. Y'know, you could have said something, Benor."
- Jon takes another crack at Mjoll's recruitment quest, which hasn't been working for him.Jon: By any chance are you willing to tell me to go and get your bloody blade yet? Ah, possibly she is, yes.
Mjoll: It was lost years ago in a Dwemer ruin.
Jon: You say this, but I have been there twice. Look, I'll go and find it for you, but if it's not there again, I'm going to be so annoyed.
Mjoll: I couldn't ask you to undertake such a treacherous journey. It would be a fool's errand.
Jon: No, the first two times were a fool's errand, this one might actually take.
Mjoll: Grimsever rests within the Dwemer ruin of Mzinchaleft-
Jon: I know!
- In Part 38, Jon's expresses his discomfort with helping the Thieves Guild extort townspeople for protection money by threatening their families and vandalizing their property. The comments section is quick to point out that his character regularly raises the dead, summons demons from Hell, steals the souls of his enemies to use as crafting ingredients, and just nine episodes ago sacrificed a follower to a Daedric Prince in exchange for a suit of armor he's never used. But the deciding factor may be the shortcut to the Cistern.Jon: Y'know, I'm feeling very uncomfortable morally with what these guys are doing, but they have a badass secret entrance to their really awesome underground lair, which does help.
- By the time he's done with the first proper Thieves Guild mission, Jon is able to rationalize his actions.Jon: Thing is, me and Benor, we kill a lot of people. I had to go in there, and I killed one person, cleanly, and everyone else lived- okay, I killed a lot of bees, too. And bees are our friends, they make honey. So actually I feel more bad about the bees than that one mercenary.
- In Part 39, Jon acknowledges the warnings from the comments section about him breaking into Riftweald Manor, which he looks at as being "too good a thief, because I basically arrived in town and the first thing I did was steal from the Thieves Guildmaster."
- Jon gets a Thieves Guild mission to go to a meadery outside Whiterun, which reminds him to go mine iron in Knifepoint Ridge he can transmute to gold to level his smithing and enchanting while in Whiterun, then he decides to break in his new gear by finding a new word of power at Lost Tongues Redoubt, then he returns to Riften and remembers he has a quest to return a MacGuffin to the dwarven ruins of Avanchnzel, then on the way out of Riften he remembers there's a nearby standing stone he hasn't found yet, then while climbing a cliff to reach the stone he notices some nearby dragon lairs, then...Jon: Alright, Benor, this might be a good starting point to... I swear I just saw a really mysterious and suspicious shadow there but- ooh, there's a thing over there as well, ooh, dragon-y thing... okay, I'm liking this - you know what? This episode's a write-off, we're just gonna Many a True Nerd for the rest of this episode, it's fine, don't panic.
- "Um, okay, he wants a good death, that's fine, I can do that. Benor, he's asked for a good death. Now... whether he really meant this or not is highly questionable, but regardless..." (Back Stab) "He did die. Okay? He did actually just die, so... that probably wasn't what he meant, though, was it?" (beat) "I think Benor is judging me right now."
- Jon somehow resolves "The Cursed Tribe" quest by losing track of the chief NPC he's supposed to escort through a giant's lair, leaving him confused why his character says that the chief is dead when he returns to the orc stronghold. Malacath himself chooses a new chief... and then the "dead" chief comes walking through the gate.Jon: Oh, this is really awkward. Benor, we should leave, because I get the feeling our lies are about to get found out. Yeah, seriously, he's actually going into the longhouse, right now, he's actually going in... okay, do you mind the fact that the old chief just showed up, by any chance?
Gularzob: Yamarz betrayed us all. I will never allow that to happen again, so long as I rule.
Jon: I think I may have just triggered a civil war among the orcs. Benor, we really need to go right the hell now, okay?
- Upon returning to Narzulbur, Jon finds the inhabitants friendly, to the extent that the chief challenges him to a random fistfight. And unexpectedly...Jon: Actually, I might even win this! I'm wearing flippin'... okay, you are pretty feeble for an orc chief, I'm going to be honest. I'm actually beating you one-on-one in a fair fight. Admittedly I'm wearing special gloves that are good at fighting, but you're wearing armor, I'm wearing flipping college robes. I've just come from the library. A librarian just showed up in your town, and is now about to beat the hell out of your chief. [...] I'm gonna guess someone's going to be challenging you for, y'know, leadership for the colony pretty soon, given I just showed up and beat the hell out of you.
- Jon can't find any quest hooks despite some orcs' dialogue mentioning mysterious deaths, so he decides to murder the most likely culprit in case that does something. After disguising the result as a tragic "fire accident," he's surprised that the rest of the stronghold doesn't react.Jon: So, I have just solved the mystery, or if I haven't, I've just murdered an innocent woman. But potentially, I've just solved the mystery, awaaaay!
- Jon's conjured Dremora Lord activating a trap: Jon shouts in alarm. Jon pulling a lever to activate the same trap to smash into Benor's face seconds later: unnoticed.
- "Good afternoon, good sir! I, the Archmage of the College of Winterhold, was just passing through with my bodyguard and a demonic monstrosity from Hell, and we couldn't help but notice your rat problem! Would you like us to solve it for you, by any chance?"
- When Jon has to heal himself after falling victim to a mediocre trap, and gains a rank of Restoration from it, he concludes "My incompetence is paying off."
- Jon tells Maven Black-Briar he's seen a particular symbol before - which is to say Jon the character says that, while Jon the player is confused.Jon: Oh dear, the protagonist has a better memory than me.
- In part 42, Jon brags to Benor that "I don't need you anymore, I've got amazing skills now." Ten seconds later he's retreating from an enemy to hide behind his bodyguard.
- When he gets to Solitude, Jon tries to reassure Roggvir as he kneels on the block.
- "You want me to steal from the jarl? ...Alright, that sounds fun, let's do that!"
- Jon's unimpressed with the half-assed applause he receives at the Burning of King Olaf festival, and afterwards asks if he's an official bard yet "or do I just get to jump straight up to being Bardmaster or something?"
- When breaking into the East Empire Company warehouse, Jon decides to bring Benor, so his attempt at stealth doesn't last long. With the Guild's "no killing" rule broken, Jon proceeds to backstab his way through the warehouse.Jon: Aaaand quick slice of throat, job done. I mean, he did specifically say "Hey, don't mess with the East India Company" or whatever - sorry, East Empire Company - it's not the East India Company, it's the East Empire Company - uh, and I am, I know I am, but it's fine, because no one saw me do it, or rather anyone who did is now dead. Alright, Benor kind of ruined it first, but after that, it was all okay.
- "Right, where's that - the dragon's somewhere very close." (Benor is bathed in dragonfire) "Yeah, the dragon's really close by."
- Jon boasts that Ice Wolves used to be scary, but not anymore. Minutes later he's fleeing a snow bear.
- In Part 44, having heeded the warnings about the Thieves Guild storyline, Jon breaks into Riftweald Manor again to return one of the quest items he stole the first time, to make sure it will be there when he's asked to steal it later. He doesn't return anything else he stole, though, leading to Mercer Frey not noticing Jon fighting with Chillrend when the two clear Snow Veil Catacombs.
- It naturally takes eight minutes of Jon boasting that he's leading a four-man assault team for him to notice that Benor hasn't followed him into the dungeon.
- The dialogue with Karliah is interrupted by a trio of Hired Thugs, who turn out to have been sent by a nameless East Empire Dock Worker from the previous episode.Jon: Yeah, you know what, that's fair, I did break into their place, murder a lot of people, and steal a lot of stuff. You know what, it's a fair cop.
- Karliah has a problem with a cipher, but Jon has some ideas.Karliah: The journal is written in some sort of language I've never seen before.
Jon: Right, ah... well I do happen to know a really, really good librarian - actually, about two or three of them, I accidentally cloned him.
- While cleansing Meridia's temple, Jon spends a moment baffled by an apparent dead end.
- "Okay, why are there no spikes of death? The fact that there's no blades of death is unnerving me. Unless they're going to open here, okay, fine, where's the trap on this one... there isn't one. Okay, this whole area is really unnerving me because it's not trying to kill me right now, and I don't like that one bit."
- In Part 46, while meandering his way across Skyrim in the vague direction of his next Thieves Guild quest, Jon comes across Northwatch Keep, continuing the "Missing In Action" quest he picked up in Part 4.Thorald Gray-Mane: But why would you risk your life for me, a stranger?
Jon: I don't know - like, I go into Whiterun, begin that quest, and then forget about it. Like, nine times out of ten I don't, so honestly, I'm not sure.
- Jon visits Castle Volkihar earlier than he should and is reminded he needs to start Dawnguard at some point, which he's tempted to play through on the vampires' side, "because at this point I've pretty much given up pretending to be anything other than the bad guy, to be perfectly honest."
- Jon can't get much out of the Penitus Oculatus outpost.Penitus Oculatus Agent: I'm fairly certain you wandered into the wrong building, friend.
Jon: Okay, that's fine, and you know what: to make someone uncomfortable, just sit there with your legs wide open while you're wearing a skirt.
- Jon's wanderings lead him to encounter the unique weapon, The Longhammer, but he isn't impressed with its listed damage and tosses it onto the ground with a "you're probably screaming at me 'that's the best warhammer in the game' or whatever." Sure enough, in the YouTube comments section...
- Jon makes a Persude check.Atar: Give me a reason not to plunge a dagger in your chest.
Jon: Because my friends and enemies alike call me Jon the Soul-Eater, and when people annoy me, I literally steal their immortal souls and use them to power my infernal devil-weapons, so... generally, people take that as a good reason not to attack me.
- Jon spends most of Part 48 "being a badass" stealth-killing his way through Bthardamz. The comments section points out that technically he's sneaking up on a bunch of sleeping, sickly people and murdering them.
- Jon decides helping a Hagraven take back her lair so she can brew poisons and collect eyeballs is "no less flipping evil than anything I've done, so I'm not going to complain."
- Despite his bosses' warnings to leave the murdering to the Dark Brotherhood, Jon completes his next Thieves Guild quest by slitting the throat of everyone he comes across, and only has some second thoughts at the end of it.Jon: Oh, sorry, wait, were you a named person? Did I just kill a name- I think I just killed a named person. Which is fine, probably. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were potentially important - you might have been important. Okay, hopefully he wasn't important.
- In Part 50, Jon is uniquely qualified to assist an NPC with the "House of Horrors" quest.Vigilant Tyranus: We belive this house may have been used for Daedra worship. Evil rites and so forth.
Jon: Ah, right. By any chance would you like me to help? Because I've got a lot of experience with Daedric Princes. Admittedly, mainly it's doing their bidding and murdering on their behalf, but I'm willing to like, you know, pretend to join you for a bit.
- When Molag Bal tasks Jon with rescuing a former cultist to be sacrificed later, Jon makes sure to emphasize the first part of that demand.Jon: Alright, lads, rescue mission! Benor likes that, Benor likes the more moral missions. Like, Benor's, well, a bit... he's not a hundred percent on the whole "blatantly evil" stuff I've been doing recently, but, this is one Benor can get behind, we're rescuing someone, Benor! And then murdering them afterwards. Nono, nothing, nothing, I didn't say anything after that.
- Jon likes the Mace of Molag Bal mainly because it has a demonic face on the weapon "I assume I can just kind of, you know, pick up, talk to, do little comedy routines with."
- In Part 51, Jon returns to Riftweald Manor for the third and final time, and despite his preparations runs into some issues re-stealing Mercer's plans.Jon: ...You know what, that's fine, I'll take it. I've discovered the plans, and I've un-broke the quest!
- Since Jon hasn't dismissed his followers, the super-secret Nightingale induction ceremony features Benor and a constantly-barking dog getting in the way. And Jon's not so sure about how it's going to work out.Jon: Um, should I have mentioned to [Nocturnal], by the way, that when I swore to serve her in like life and death, I've kind of sworn in life, death, or both to serve at least three or four different gods so far? Soooo this might be sort of an empty gesture.
- On the way to the confrontation with Mercer, Jon's surprised that his fellow Nightingales are horrified that the renegade slaughtered some bandits outside the dungeon.Karliah: Mercer's doing. We have to catch up with him before it's too late.
Jon: Oh what a monaster, killing bandits, I'm sure none of us would ever... do... that just shut up, Benor, shut up.
- Jon mocks Karliah for stepping in an obvious bear trap, and naturally...Jon: ...I think that one was a little bit better-hidden. That may be why I walked into it. Yeah, let's just say that.
- After his mission to the Twilight Sepulchre, Jon returns to Riften and declares the Thieves Guild... destroyed.Jon: Which is great, they've been a hundred percent neutralized. Their Guildmaster's dead, there seems to be a new Guildmaster who might possibly be me, in which case I just won't tell them to steal things, or it might possibly by Brynjolf, in which case he seems to have a slightly obscure, weird view of the world and seems to think that everything's prosperous when everything's actually been stolen from them. They don't seem to have recruited any new people beyond what they already had, as I said the Guildmaster himself is dead, and over there, their storeroom is literally empty, and no one's gonna be giving them new stuff to do. So actually, I'd say we've pretty much elminated the Thieves Guild.
- Vigilance is a good boy who occasionally falls through the ceiling.
- "Benor, get out of the way of love."
- Jon's uneasy with "The Book of Love" quest line, especially when it sends him to an NPC he has history with.Dinya Balu: Go to Markarth. There you'll find Calcelmo, wise, acid, and reclusive. Help him emerge and state his intentions. This is the prayer heard by the goddess and relayed to her servants.
Jon: Okay, I'm gonna be honest, um, I did kind of actually break into his laboratory, kill all his guards, steal all his stuff, and I think I also murdered his nephew, sort of by accident. So... this might be a bit of an ask, but screw it, we'll go with it.
- "'One peak stands proud against the range \ Invincible, and scaled by none \ Those men who try wash down her slopes \ Their eye-born streams obliquely run.' ...I'm not sure what this poem means, but I suspect it's filthy."
- After rather arbitrarily deciding which suitor a flighty teenager should pursue, and passing off one man's poem as the work of another, Jon isn't impressed by the Goddess of Love.Jon: Basically, as far as I can tell, people pray to Mara, they basically say "Hey, I fancy someone, but we've got nothing in common and she doesn't like me," at which point Mara sends an agent to trick that person into liking them. And that feels weird and wrong but alright, fine.
- The randomly-encountered Farmer leading a sacrificial cow to a giant camp is Jon's favorite NPC in the entire game.Jon: It's rather nice to actually see in an RPG, you go up to someone and say "Hey, would you like me to help?" and they're like "Nah. It's fine. I've got this. This is actually my job, so I'm going to, you know, do it. Have a nice day!" That's lovely to see.
Farmer: Thanks. You take care of yourself, now.
Jon: You know what? I like you, you're now my favorite character in Skyrim, because one, you don't need me to solve all your problems for you, and two, you have a really jazzy cow.
- After roughly forty episodes of shared adventures, Jon and Benor finally decide to tie the knot and move into Honeyside together. Jon makes special wedding rings for him and Benor, and though the ceremony has a few rough spots, the two are wed. Jon steps outside the city to pick a bouquet for Benor, returns home, and then things take a turn for the worse...
- Jon starts Dawnguard fully intending to side with the vampires, but the fact that the Dawnguard have adorable huskies almost makes him change his mind.
- Jon has to explain to Vigilance that Benor got sent to a farm where there's no telephones, "and also I set fire to the farm, so there's a very good chance that Benor's not coming back."
- On the bright side, Jon's certain he and Serana can be best friends, since they're both necromancers, are carrying around Elder Scrolls for no reason, and "like dressing ridiculously." Though he is miffed when the game won't let him pickpocket Serana's Scroll off her.Jon: I'm not sure why I want two, I don't have a use for the one I've already got, but screw it, it would be nice to have two. I'd probably be the first person in the history of Tamriel to hold two Elder Scrolls simultaneously and have no bloody use for either of them.
- "How are you feeling about sunlight? I can see you've got a nice cowl to cover your face, you also do have... um... a bit of a hole, in your top."
- Jon is somewhat conflicted when he console commands his way into Castle Volkihar.Jon: I can't help but notice, um, everyone's eating - ooh, "Vampire Cattle," you're apparently not dead.
Vampire Cattle: (anguished groaning)
Jon: Right, they're just literally tied up and, um, screaming in pained agony. Well, that's... that's good, that's good... arguably, these guys are not the goodies.
Harkon: After so many centuries, I feared the Elder Scroll and my daughter lost to me...
Jon: Yeah, his evil voice also makes me think, "not the good guys," but in all fairness, I think it's already well-established, I don't think I'm really the good guys either, so... it's probably fine.
- Due to game glitches, Jon has to resort to teleporting into Castle Volkihar when Serana doesn't properly engage the gate guard, deleting the gate itself to leave it, and for some reason all the NPCs inside freak out when he uses his Vampire Lord transformation on the premises.Jon: Okay, sorry, is the castle of vampires prejudiced against vampires?! Because if so, that's... weird! Oh wait, hang on, nono - who are you attacking? Are you going for the dog right - they're going for the dog! Why?! This doesn't - what the - what's happening?! ...And now they've calmed down! What?!
- Since Jon already cleared Redwater Den during his meanderings, the Door to Before is still open, letting him jump right into a proper boss fight from the wrong side.Jon: As it turns out, these people have got no explanation as to who they are. I heard something about "Oh, shame about that terrible little accident you had the other week," so, I dunno, one of them still wets the bed but the other is very understanding about it, I guess.
- "But while I'm passing through, Faralda, nice and asleep here, let's just..." (selects "Feed") "Very quickly - okay, we didn't need to bite her thigh, that was just slightly weird. I mean, the neck is traditional, no one asks questions if a vampire bites someone in the neck, but if a vampire bites someone in the thigh, then we just start asking questions whether that vampire has a thing about thighs, and then you make vampirism weird."
- When yet another dragon hits Winterhold while Jon's passing through, the finisher animation gets... weird.Jon: Okay... I think I've just basically choke-slammed a dragon out of the universe, but it's okay, it's back now.
- "Also, thing to check: in this mode I've got wings, so presumably no fall damage, right?" (SPLAT) "...No, still fall damage, wings are purely decorative."
- "I feel like I'm now going the right way, which makes me feel like I'm actually going the wrong way, so I'm just gonna quickly nip back and see what was actually down that other branch down in the room below. The answer was 'a complete dead end,' that was mildly disappointing."
- When Jon and Serana explore the Soul Cairn, Jon gets to fully comprehend what he's been doing to people throughout his playthrough.Soul: I thought death was a release, not an eternity of torment...
Jon: Right. So... I'm guessing I should feel bad about all the people that I've actually used to power my weapons, 'cause as it turns out, they stay in this hell forever. But on the other hand, my weapon's pretty bloody awesome, so I don't feel that bad, I think I'm gonna keep doing it.
- And then he finds out he can fill a Soul Gem at one of the area's Soul Fissures.Jon: Oh, this is probably even worse than what I was doing originally! So, I kill people, steal their souls, put them in a soul gem, then I send the souls here when I use the soul gem, now I'm having the soul a second time so I can continue to use it.
- "You know, this DLC is really painting necromancers in a bad light. I feel picked on, here."
- On his way out of the Soul Cairn, Jon has one final question for Valerica: "Did you mean to call her Serana, or did you just misspell something on the birth certificate?"
- After Durnehviir names him "Qahnaarin" in recognition of his valor, Jon returns the favor.Jon: And I find you equally worthy, by the way. I name you... "Flying Rodent."
- "Right, so apparently, I could actually be wearing light armor on, like, head and body and arms and legs. So if that was true, then, presumably, I could get the benefits from the Light Armor tree."
- A dungeon exit leads to a tiny overlook over a cliff that looks too dangerous to skid down. Luckily Jon has a plan to get everyone down safely.Jon: Have a good flight! (FUS RO DAH!) There she goes, beautiful.
- "Evening, officer, don't worry about me, just me and my evil horse come to check out Falkreath. And also my extremely older vampire girlfriend. And my evil horse. Don't worry about us, we're just looking for stabling and a place to sleep and some innocents to - wait, hang on, not that last one, just the first two."
- Somehow the NPCs are able to pick up on Jon's condition despite his mask.Bolund: Your skin's as pale as snow. You scared of sunlight, or something?
Jon: I wouldn't say scared, but I think we do have an evil plan to literally blot out the su- oh. I shouldn't have told him that. Serana, we need to kill him!
- "Ooh, Bloodlet Throne! Oh, that sounds awesome. That sounds like the soft of place I should really build an evil lair, dammit."
- Serana's willingness to use other NPCs' animation markers leads to a distraction.
- At first Jon approves of Farkas, and likes the thought of picking up another "big, chunky, meaty, two-handed weapons, big armor side" sort of companion. Then he gets a mission from him to take out some...Farkas: Rogue wizards. I've never trusted magic types. The College is bad enough. Destroy them.
Jon: Okay, I've changed my mind, we're not actually going to be traveling around with Farkas.
- "A thought occurs: why am I mining iron ore and then converting it into gold, when I know for a fact the location of several gold mines I've already explored? That would be much cleverer."
- Thirty-seven episodes after picking up his first Elder Scroll from Blackreach, and mere minutes after using three Elder Scrolls in a row to have a vision, Jon is still a little confused.Jon: Wait, hang on, wasn't there supposed to be a... don't I need a third one? I was told I would need three Scrolls to understand what was going on, and one of them was at the bottom of a Dwemer ruin, and we haven't got that one yet, what happened to... alright, never mind.
- When clearing Bloodlet Throne, Jon gets taken out of action for a few minutes.
- Jon's initially unhappy that his new property of Lakeview Manor has a conjurer's altar right next to it, but eventually changes his tune.Jon: This would actually be useful. If we can just throw up some defenses, so like no other conjurers can use this, I could have my house up there, like looking over the lake, and down here a bit out of the way, 'cause you know company might not approve, I could have my necromancy table, alright, just so I could do human sacrifices a bit out of the way, and that will mean, you know, we don't get stains on the carpet, and people won't get all "Ooh, you shouldn't kill humans 'cause that's bad for whatever reason." Yeah! That could work pretty nicely for me.
- "Okay, Serana, don't stand there, if you stand there it makes it look like I'm arranged it so I can look down your top, and I haven't, you just keep putting them in my face and I don't even want to."
- Jon wants to go down another steep slope, which is bad news for Serana.
- One episode later, Serana gets her revenge.
- Jon had to turn off his more balanced potions mod after getting warnings that "something something something Skyrim versus Special Edition something something 32-bit versus 64-bit something something something increased chance of crashing." But he points out that this won't give him an unfair advantage, because he never remembers to use potions anyway.
- After defeating another orc chief in a fistfight, Jon finds him at a table and takes a moment to further mock him.Jon: You're the actual chief, who just sits at this... ordinary table. In front of a wooden plate that nobody's brought any food to. And a tankard that no one can be bothered to fill up anymore, because nobody respects you, because I beat the hell out of you. Man, it sucks to be you right now.
- While going through Darkfall Passage, Jon hopes that he isn't completely Late to the Tragedy.Jon: Ideally, there'll be like, you know, one person down here who's like "Oh, oh thank goodness you came to rescue me!" Then I can just feed on that person, and then immediately afterwards murder them for their soul, to keep my infernal weapons going. That would be great.
- "I think Serana's gone for a swim and now she can't actually get out of the water, I'm pretty sure she's just now underwater. That's where she just lives now, under the sea. Well, that's fine."
- Jon insists that walking into a Falmer trap is an important part of "getting the intended experience here."
- Part 68 has Jon wrapping up the Forgotten Vale, with highlights such as Serana showing up late to the boss fight and Jon stripping down an NPC's corpse in front of his brother. But it's his interactions with Knight-Paladin Gelebor that take the cake.Gelebor: Well, using an arrow with the bow that's been dipped in blood may cause it to function differently, corrupting its purpose. That's of course is you're foolish enough to try it.
Jon: I am precisely that flipping foolish.
- Or when Jon reads his character's dialogue after Gelebor admits he may be the Last of His Kind.Jon: Now I suppose that line's supposed to be read out sounding like "Then I've contributed to your kind's extinction..." No, I feel like this character is like "Oooh! I've contributed to your kind's extinction!"
- Then Jon decides to test out the corrupted Auriel's Bow by blotting out the sun... right in front of the sun god's high priest.Jon: Right, so um, how are you feeling about this?
Gelebor: It's good to speak to you again.
Jon: Nope, he does not notice nor care that I have literally just killed the sun. Marvelous!
Gelebor: Farewell, friend. May the light-
Jon: He's still greeting me as friends. "May the light of Auriel fill your darkest hours?!" I've just killed the sun, you stupid bastard!
- The comments section is not surprised, but still disappointed, that after spending so much time and effort hunting down the Ruby Paragon to teleport to a bonus treasure area, Jon managed to somehow not loot the corpse carrying the unique Auriel's Shield.
- With Dawnguard completed, Jon decides to get back on the main quest in Part 69, some 54 episodes and 149 in-game days after he promised to meet back up with Delphine in Riverwood.
- When Malborn warns Jon about "getting fingered as a spy" at the party at the Thalmor Embassy, Jon thinks "this is gonna be a different sort of party than I was expecting."
- Jon insists that despite rumors to the contrary, he is not the villain in his playthrough. Ten minutes later he's discussing his plans to join The Dark Brotherhood to work out some of his anger issues.
- Grelod the Kind has one last message for her children before going to hell.
- Jon disagrees with his dialogue choices after being abducted by an assassin.Astrid: But there is a slight, mhmm, problem...
Jon: Go on, then - "I don't like where this is going?" No, I do like where this is going. This is going fine, this is all looking great. I'm just kinda, you know - I went to sleep, I woke up, there's a nice woman wearing a skintight catsuit praising me for what I've done, this could all end very, very nicely indeed.
- When Arnbjorn talks about "my beautiful wife" Astrid, Jon realizes "You're the guy I need to kill if I want to get with Astrid, got it."
- Jon finds a rather petty use for Auriel's Bow and Blood-cursed Arrows.Jon: I literally just blew up the sun in order to just have my stamina coming back. Nothing to do with the vampire prophecy or anything, I just wanted stamina during the day, dammit.
- Jon's able to reunite Narfi with his sister without any problems, but his assassination of Ennodius Papius is a bit of a farce.Jon: I'm really going to regret killing this chicken at some point. Somebody's going to be so mad at me for killing this chicken.
- When Cicero explains that the position of Listener is vacant, Jon's played enough Bethesda games to know that "probably in about two hours, it'll be me, got it." Unless he edited a lot out of his videos, he probably overestimated the time.
- "Also, when she says 'sign of my affection,' I'm not actually allowed to like, you know, help myself to her cheese or bread or whatever, no. 1,200 gold, fine, but not my cheese, dammit."
- Jon's still crushing hard on his new boss.Astrid: Now, I need your assistance with a matter of a more... personal nature.
Jon: I will one hundred percent assassinate your husband and marry you, that is one hundred percent fine, yes.
- At this point, Jon sounds almost bored with Bethesda's writing.Astrid: Then what in the name of Sithis is going on? Cicero spoke to the Night Mother, but she spoke to you? Is this just more of the fool's rambling?
Jon: No, as it turns out I'm gonna be the guildmaster. A-flipping-gain.
Astrid: And the Night Mother who, according to everything we know, will only speak to the person chosen as Listener... just spoke... right now... to you.
Jon: (audibly grinning) Yeah, it kinda sucks, 'cause you're no longer queen of the Sanctuary, I am.
- Only three episodes into the Dark Brotherhood questline and Jon's figured out that "it's gonna end with someone turning out to be a traitor, me killing them and becoming the guildmaster."
- Jon explains to Astrid that the difference between the Thieves Guild and the Dark Brotherhood is that the latter "are almost certainly more evil, but screw it, you're kind of the fun evil, so I'm okay with it."
- Our hero's dark deeds come back to haunt him as he passes through Dawnstar.City Guard: Wait... I know you...
Jon: (hurrying past) Uh oh... uh oh! The guards are saying "I know you!" This is that chicken business - do not talk to them. If I simply don't talk to them, it's fine. But I'm pretty sure I'm in the same hold that I kind of killed a chicken in at some point, so I need to stay away from Dawnstar until I can make amends for the chicken murder.
- "You know, we probably shouldn't all go around wearing matching uniforms with massive obvious bloody handprints on the back, like that's pretty bloody obvious. This is why we're not doing well as assassins."
- Jon is baffled when one of the Emperor's bodyguards has travel plans to Windhelm.Jon: Wait... you're sending an agent of the Emperor to Windhelm, to the Palace of the Kings, to where Ulfric Stormcloak himself lives, and you're expecting him to get a warm response, him just poking around saying "Oh yeah, I want to have a look at all of your security." Like literally... what?
- Since Jon wants to take out his next target when he stops by Whiterun, his character ends up fast-forwarding through several days spent at the local inn.Jon: I just basically spent the next four days in the pub, getting really, really plastered, presumably. Let this be known as the Great Dragon-Bender!
- Jon doesn't understand the ideological dispute between Cicero and Astrid.Astrid: Cicero's problem isn't his madness, it's an adherence to an ancient, outmoded way of life. The Night Mother's ways... simply are not our ways. He just couldn't accept that. And now he'll have to pay the price.
Jon: I really feel like we're dealing with a very, very small matter of procedure between the two sides here. Like, we both want to take contracts from people who perform the Black Sacrament, she's simply just a more efficient way of doing that. Just like pretend she's a telephone and it's fine.
- Jon's attempt to be stealthy by casting Muffle on himself ends up breaking his Invisibility spell within sight of a Forsworn guard, which undermines his attempt to sneak into one of their redoubts.Jon: (flailing about with a burning mace) No one else pay attention to this! No one else pay attention to this whatsoever! Subtle! Subtle! Assassin! Subtle! Subtle! Assassin! ...Everyone else cool?
- Jon's efforts to hide a body aren't very effective.Jon: Down he goes, underwater, no one will find... he's floating. Everyone's going to find that so quickly! I should have like tied him to something heavy first - oh, I'm so bad at this!
- In Part 76, some fifty episodes after his viewers started suggesting in the comments section that he pick up the Fiery Soul Trap enchantment, and after fight after fight where Jon struggled to get a Soul Trap effect in to recharge his weapons, Jon ends up discovering the dungeon with the unique enchantment purely by accident... and discounts it as useless since there's no way to increase the fire damage.
- Jon's not impressed when Astrid declares that he'll have the honor of killing the Emperor.Jon: Oh my goodness, you want me to go and do it, what a surprise. Because, you know, the previous task you wanted me to go and do it, and the task before that you wanted me to go - has anyone else actually done anything since I've bothered arriving? Bloody hell...
- After killing several Imperial agents and somehow missing the reveal that he only murdered the Emperor's Body Double, Jon bursts into incredulous laughter after learning he can pay a 1500 gold fine that completely clears his legal trouble from, again, attempting to assassinate the Emperor of Tamriel.
- During the fight for the Brotherhood Sanctuary, Jon naturally hits and kills Arnbjorn the werewolf instead of the two enemies fighting him.Jon: I'm so sorry! Uh, actually, if [the traitor] turns out not to be Astrid, then that might work for me. Um, ooops. (loots the body and sees a Werewolf Pelt) Okay, um... how much leather does that give me? Would you mind if I just like - you're already dead, so it's not like it really matters, to be honest...
- After the climax of the attack on the Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary, Nazir and Babette are still reeling from Astrid's betrayal, while Jon...Jon: Now, I think the implication there was, I'm actually now the flipping guildmaster, right?
Nazir: Astrid... by the sands, I still can't wrap my head around it...
Jon: I'm not sure anyone can, it didn't make a huge amount of sense - um, I'm the guildmaster, that normally comes with some like, you know, special guildmaster armor or whatever. Where's my special guildmaster armor? Or like, is that the... actually, I've already got the Ancient stuff... like, is the guildmaster stuff better than the Ancient stuff? Also, I need a new [crafting] table. Cause right now, I can't see how good this new weapon flipping is.
- The drama of Jon confronting the Emperor is undercut slightly when Jon mistakes a door for a cabinet and leaves the cabin. Luckily the Emperor is still patiently waiting to die when Jon returns, allowing him to rifle through the guy's bedroom before finally finishing the assassination.
- Jon still does his best to slip through Dawnstar undetected by the hold guards.Jon: Animal rights legislation in Skyrim is really flipping tough. You kill one chicken in a Hold, they will hold it against you for pretty much flipping forever, until you pay off that bounty, dammit.
- "'Good to see you again, old friend!' Which I'm going to say even if I don't mean it, just so he doesn't stab me."
- Jon's a little disturbed there's a "Torture Chamber" upgrade available for the new Dark Brotherhood headquarters, buys it, and is more disturbed when he tours it.Torture Victim: Why are you people doing this?
Jon: I'm actually not sure! Like, our job is to actually assassinate people. [...] Okay, I feel like in many ways, this was not the right thing to do. Like, I thought we'd just like have the torture chamber as, like, you know, an emergency back-up, if we ever needed to do, like, emergency torture. It actually just feels that you've got four people... strung up. And you did that really quickly. Like you're really excited by the torture. And that feels like a thing that we shouldn't be. Because we're supposed to be, like, you know, professional assasins, where we just kill people that... well, I guess that's not good either... Right, I'm feeling conflicted about all of this!
- Jon, the vampiric assassin-thief who just murdered the Emperor: "I just feel like, in many ways, I'm not actually the good guy anymore."
- "How am I going to get on the top here? On this occasion I don't see an obvious answer - hang on, maybe there's a - nope! When I say "don't see an obvious answer," uh, there's a staircase, which is very often a good way to get up things."
- As part of his HeelFace Turn, Jon goes on an apology tour, revisiting all the people he's wronged over his playthrough.Jon: (to Calcelmo) I am so sorry I stole your research and murdered all the guards in your laboratory - wait, hang on, I got you a girlfriend. Okay, we're probably pretty much even then, that's fine.
Jon: (to Hulda) I'm sorry for all the murders I've committed inside your pub, particularly in that room over there, because I think there's been, like, three so far, and I've left you to clean up the mess every single time. So, I'm actually really sorry about that one, it was really rude of me.
Jon: (to the Urag gro-Shub twins) I'm so sorry for messing with console commands when I didn't actually know what I was doing. Seriously, I'm really sorry about this one, I shouldn't have done it, I won't do it again. [...] See, me and him, a hundred percent even. Me and the other one, not actually sure about that.
- Near the end of the episode, Jon reflects that "there are some things we can't undo, some damage that cannot be fixed, some things that are... wait, hang on a minute: I'm a cocking necromancer!" Leading to...
- Since Jon is a good guy now, he's doing a good guy quest to fight (other) necromancers. "So this, this is morally fine. And because they're morally bad, it's perfectly acceptable for me to harvest their souls while I'm passing through. Because it's not like they'll be using them for much longer, anyway."
- Since Jon hasn't picked up the Necromantic Healing spell yet, he can't do anything for his new Undead Thrall but put him back on his feet when he dies.Jon: Benor just has to basically be left to die, then we just re-raise him, to serve me, forever, in a never-ending cycle of suffering and servitude beyond the grave. (beat) But we don't phrase it like that because I'm the good guy now! Speaking of which, those blasted necromancers, eh? Let's go murder them and steal their souls while we're doing it. But if anyone asks, don't mention that bit.
- "Uh, Benor's just died, by the way. But that's fine! Because we can fix that!"
- "This is absolutely the safest way to get companions down a cliff."
- Jon's still struggling with pendulum traps.
- Iona couldn't follow Jon into a dungeon for a Legion quest, though Benor could. Because for "some companions, the bond is just too strong. Like the bond between a wife, and the man who she has brought back from the dead four or five times, I forget."
- While building Lakeview Manor, Jon goes from wanting to keep Benor outside in the animal pen to deciding he can be chained up in the basement.
- In Part 82, Jon gets his Conjuration back up to 100 for the "Twin Souls" perk, so he's running around with Benor, Iona, Moira the Dremora Lord, and Vigilance - or in other words, four people and a dog. Which means it's time to go back to Windhelm to solve the murder mystery quest he picked up ages ago.Jon: Now, we were told to question the witnesses. That was admittedly several weeks ago, but I suspect they're still going to be standing in the exact same spot.
- When Jon sees that Hjerim requires a key to open, his first instinct is to look for a balcony he can climb up to and get in that way, but then he remembers the trouble that caused in Riften. He immediately finds an invisible wall keeping him from exploring an alley behind the house, and spends several minutes trying to glitch past it.
- During his investigation, Jon keeps yelling at how incompetent the guards are for not following an obvious blood trail, or how the jarl's steward can't solve such an easy crime. Then he "completes" the quest by accusing the wrong suspect.
- "Let's figure out where he lives, then, let's find where he lives, because we need to get his key off him, and we might possibly need to murder him to do that. If I'm wrong, I've accidentally killed an innocent person, but if I'm right, I've killed a murderer, so in many ways, it's worth the risk. But we're still the good guys, yes? Everyone agree? Look, I'm traveling around with a puppy, no bad guy would ever have a dog."
- "Have I just been walking over this body for a bit? I don't think I've been walking over this body for a bit. I mean, sometimes I suffer from slightly low Perception..."
- When Jon realizes he's accused an innocent man, he has to make another stop on his apology tour.Jon: I am so sorry for falsely accusing you of murder and necromancy, which is particularly bad of me, because I am also guilty of murder and necromancy, I mean a lot of murder and necromancy. So, for me to actually get you thrown in prison for that was... I'm still not the good guy, am - okay, no, I'm not the good guy. But, but I'm now gonna help sort this out.
Wuunferth the Unliving: Oh, isn't that a shame. And here I am in the Bloodworks.
Jon: Yes, I know I messed up, you don't actually have to be a dick about it!
- "Oh don't say thanks or anything - well, I guess saving her is its own reward, because we're the good guys! I mean, we literally locked away one innocent person, which inadvertantly led to the murder of another innocent person, before we got the right guy..."
- When Jarl Balgruuf tasks Jon with giving Ulfric Stormcloak an axe, Jon's not sure whether he's supposed to "give him the axe" or "give him the axe."Jon: Sorry, how many of those words are supposed to have inverted commas around them? I'm not sure.
Balgruuf: Men who understand one another need not waste words. There are but a few simple truths behind one warrior giving another his axe. Ulfric will know my meaning.
Jon: You're making him thane? 'cause you gave me an axe, a few months back, and that was because you were making me thane. Were you actually challenging me to one-on-one combat, because if so I massively misunderstood that gesture.
- After making his delivery to Ulfric, Jon tries to win the war in the most direct way possible, and ends up fighting his way out of Windhelm, slaughtering every guard in his path. Which makes his bounty fluctuate wildly depending on what happened to who last saw his killing spree.Jon: If I can just kill all the witnesses, it's not a crime.
- -1 Perception goes to war.Jon: Now I had a plan for this, a really good plan if I may say so myself. What would be good at protecting the barricades? I would say... (summons Durnehviir) I would say, a massive great big dragon-
(the Stormcloaks hack through the barricades, prompting a "Failed: Defend the Barricades" pop-up)
Jon: -would be good at defending the barricade! A great big, undead zombie flipping dragon!
- Jon has to resort to an odd variety of Percussive Maintenance to make Erandur get a quest rolling.Jon: Oooh, I think I fixed him with murder!
- Despite his insistence that he's the Good Guy now, when Vaermina demands that Jon betray his companion to gain a daedric artifact, he responds "This isn't even a tough decision" before getting out his "murder-knife."Jon: It's not immoral if nobody sees me do it, and there's no witnesses for this.
- Jon does enough sidequests to become Thane of the Pale, simply to get his chicken-murder bounty waived. Though he's so insulted by his issued weapon that he dumps it in the jarl's fireplace.
- For some reason the Imperial Legion sent all of five soldiers to take Fort Dunstad, so when Jon shows up with his entourage he doubles the size of the attack force.
- "Someone has basically asked me, 'Yeah, that lighthouse we found, put out the light of that, a ship will crash, and then profit something something something.' Now, that's possibly evil, probably, still it sounds awesome, and I would like to do something with that lighthouse."
- When Deeja offers to give him "your share of the reward," Jon hopes he's wrong about what's going to happen next.Jon: You know what, I would absolutely love it more than anything in the world if I now just said "So, we're splitting the loot, then?" and she said "Yep, that's perfectly fair, here's fifty percent and the other fifty percent's for us, uh, thanks, have a lovely day," quest complete and we all walk out of here.
Deeja: Ha! I'm afraid the loot's already been moved. You've been useful to the Blackbloods, though. You've earned a quick death.
Jon: Never mind, it goes exactly as I expected it to. So, yeah, she picked a bad person to attack, to be honest. Right, let's just start murdering these people...
- Jon's still having no luck using Shouts against dragons fighting in cities.
- Jon tries his hand at extortion.Jon: I feel like I'm currently attempting to blackmail a door, and it's a deeply surreal experience.
- Benor dying again gives Jon a chance to make his Undead Thrall equip some better armor.Jon: I know it looks weird, okay, that my formerly-dead and now still-dead-again husband, I'm about to strip him naked, I know it's a bit odd, but it's fine...
- While Benor refuses to equip his good armor, Jon notices his thrall somehow regenerates his default Iron Armor each time he's stripped, and every time Benor dies (again) Jon receives another inheritance of 400 gold, opening up the possibility of Jon "farming" his ex.Jon: Also, I just want to bring attention to the fact that Benor hasn't actually been wearing his wedding ring, so I don't feel bad about him dying anymore. (beat) Also, add one to the Benor Death Count.
- Jon reluctantly becomes a werewolf, even though he's been burned by blood rituals before, because feeding on corpses to increase his power is "no more evil than I am in general, fine."
- "Benor's just going to stand slightly, uncomfortably, weirdly close to me, and occasionally sort of gyrate against me. I'm going to be honest, I don't mind."
- Since the Dawnguard is still sending hit squads after Jon even after curing himself of his vampirism, he returns to Castle Volkihar to get the quest to end the Dawnguard once and for all. But the NPCs won't help him unless he's a vampire, or in other words:Jon: Oh bloody hell. I'm turning myself into a vampire, so I can stop vampire hunters from coming after me for not being a vampire.
- The Open Cities mod messes with another quest, so that the compass and map are pointing Jon in different directions.Jon: It would appear that the quest marker is literally just on top of me with a "go inside" - like the quest marker is telling me to go inside myself. Which is odd.
YouTube comment: Well, Jon finally did it. He pissed off the game and it's now explicitly telling him to shove off.
- "'Be a vampire,' they said. 'You'll have power overwhelming,' they said. They didn't mention anything about having no stamina during the daytime, thus having to amble along at incredibly slow speed, constantly, forever."
- Speaking of bugs, an axe ascends to heaven.
- "Also, apparently Benor died. How did... I'm not sure how Benor died, but Benor died. Sometimes Benor just dies for weird reasons I can't understand. [...] You really got to keep an eye on Benor, otherwise he is just basically, desperately trying to escape from eternal servitude."
- A quest sends Jon through Windhelm, which involves slaughtering yet more guards, and getting told off by an orphan for running around with a fire-enchanted mace.Sofie: You're not supposed to play with fire, you know.
Jon: You're not supposed to murder police either, but no one tells me what to do!
- After coming up with a workaround for the "Benor dying" problem during certain quests, Jon is able to proceed with the Companions questline and become a proper werewolf.Jon: Right, welcome back, Benor, I'm going to be honest, you have missed a bit again. Um, this time, um, we're vampires now - wait, no, sorry, not vampires, the other one - werewolves! Actually, we're both. Um, we are both, simultaneously. Which is probably weird, and that probably makes me hated - wait, what was the plot of Underworld?
- Then Jon checks his Powers menu and learns that no, his werewolf status has replaced his Vampire Lord form. Which means he can't finish a quest to get some magic rings for the vampires.Jon: Right, so we're going to have to finish off the werewolf business, so I can stop being a werewolf, then I need to go and re-vampire, then once I've re-vampired at that point I can turn in the ring, and finish off the vampires, then I can de-vampire...
- Jon's not at all impressed with his werewolf form, which is demonstrably weaker than what he can do fighting in his enchanted armor, though there is an unexpected perk from feeding on human corpses.Jon: I've now consumed Benor's heart to extend my bloodlust, and now for the rest of time, a part of Benor will always be inside me.
- Jon finds a new way to get Benor down sheer drops.
- Shared suffering may bring the Gray-Mane and Battle-Born clans together.
- Even before he returns to Jorrvaskr after a Silver Hand attack, Jon has done enough Bethesda guild quests to guess that the Companions' leadership position has a new opening. He also doesn't take kindly to Vilkas sassing him for not being around to help during the attack.Jon: You know, rather than yelling at me for not protecting [Kodlak], you really ought to be taking a good, hard look at yourselves. Because you were here, Farkas was here, Aela was here, all the other Companion recruits were here, and apparently not one of you was able to defend him? Like, not my problem, I was off on a mission given by him, I am literally the only blameless person here.
- So Vilkas, Jon and Benor go off on a Roaring Rampage of Revenge against the Silver Hand... until Jon notices something along the way.Jon: Now, I know we're supposed to be going and getting revenge for Kodlak, but... there's a mysterious tower, and it has a path leading up to it, and I don't know what it's for, and that intrigues me. 'cause that's like the lighthouse symbol, but, we're very far from the sea... (pans the camera directly over Skyrim's northern coastline) So why do we need a lighthouse?
- "Sorry about the minor detour there, Vilkas. It's just, you know what, there's other people that have been murdered, it's not just Kodlak Whitemane that's been murdered, alright, loads of people have been murdered. Very often by me, but in the instances where it's not by me, I do like to solve those murders. In instances where it is me, generally I pretend those don't happen and I pretend I'm a good person. That's pretty much how I live my life, and it's worked so far. Right!"
- Toward the ends of the Companion questline, Jon starts to wonder whether he made a mistake and The Extremist Was Right, since every time he's raided a Silver Hand camp and freed captive werewolves, the other lycanthropes have been invariably hostile, and he just exterminated Skyrim's premier werewolf hunters. Then he remembers how the Dawnguard kept attacking him even after he cured his own vampirism, and concludes he just saved himself some trouble in the long run.
- Jon decides to make Kodlak's funeral the "best or worst" ever by casting Dead Thrall on his corpse, but after climbing and jumping all over the pyre to get a good angle, Jon learns the devs were one step ahead of him and made the corpse immune to necromancy, or getting blasted off the pyre. He does find that he can use the Skyforge during the service, however.Jon: Anybody want a memorial jeweled necklace? Ooh, silver sapphire necklace, good stuff!
- "I don't know where Farkas has gotten himself to. Possibly he had a great big 'You go on ahead, I'll only slow you down, I will sacrifice myself for you!' moment but, if he did, I was scouting ahead or looting at the time and I missed it."
- While he's in the area, Jon explores Yngvild and is Squicked out when he learns what the local necromancer has been up to. The comments section is quick to point out that Jon is running around with his undead thrall husband.
- When the newly-Harbinger Jon returns to Jorrvaskr, he finds it all but deserted.Jon: So, um, two of the students decided to stay, no one's in the main feasting hall, the Underforge is literally locked away from me, I actually can't get in there... Right, so basically everyone just immediately quit the Companions in protest of my leadership, marvelous.
- Now that he's done with the Companions and no longer a werewolf, Jon returns to Castle Volkihar, gets turned into a vampire again, turns in a quest, confirms he's done all the interesting stuff for the vampires, and goes back to Morthal to get himself cured of vampirism for the last time.Jon: Okay, uh, Falion - don't judge me on this, but I got myself vampired, like, again. Two times, actually, uh, but the middle time, I just dealt with it myself, by turning myself into a werewolf, but I already sorted that out by like tossing a witch's head into a fire, but now I need your help again for the third instance of vampirism.
Falion: I know many things-
Jon: Yes, I know you do, in fact we've literally done this conversation before.
- At the end of Part 96, Jon declares that he'll be returning to the main quest for reals this time, "because I cannot be bloody distracted by the guilds anymore, there's no more guilds to be distracted by. I run absolutely all of them, okay?"
- Jon impulsively spends several minutes seeing if he can ride Arvak up to the Throat of the World, instead of doing it properly with the Greybeards' latest Shout.Jon: Screw your Shout, I have a horse, I have a demon horse from, like, beyond the grave or something.
- By the time he meets Paarthurnax, Jon thinks he has four Elder Scrolls. And for some reason Benor strips naked during the fight with Alduin on the Throat of the World.
- Jon decides to do the "Season Unending" quest to negotiate a ceasefire for the Skyrim Civil War, which is problematic since he's currently wanted in Windhelm. Out of curiosity, he surrenders to the guards and elects to serve his sentence, just to see how many years his assaults on the jarl and his mass murder of guards have earned him. Instead he's quite surprised to see that his sentence was just over a week long.Jon: I killed the entire police force, I had a bounty of fifteen thousand gold, and you kept me in jail for eight days?! Eight days was my sentence?!
Windhelm Guard: You're the one who casts those illusions-
Jon: And now basically me and the new police are cool! They're basically making nice comments about my Illusion magic! Well that's just... WHAT?!
- While sassing Ulfric for losing all his supporters but the most inept jarl in Skyrim and the jarl of a bunch of frozen shacks, Jon learns more about the Jarl of Windhelm than he wanted.Jon: Ulfric, you know, what he gets up to, in his own time when he's not jarl-ing, that's his business. If he wants to keep, y'know, a personal guard, just waiting in his chambers, and also if he wants to get visited by a guy whose name is, um...note let's actually just move on, let's move on.
- Before leaving for the final dungeon, Jon reflects on his Dwindling Party, how Vigilance has gone home to Markarth, Moira is usually hanging around in Hell, and Iona...Jon: ...Where the cock did Iona go, by the way? We never actually found her, but, Iona is just... gone, somewhere, I assume she's fine, wherever she is now...
- During his final talk with Benor('s reanimated corpse), Jon reflects how when they first met he needed Benor's help, but now his thrall constantly needs his.Jon: And I don't blame you, because much of this is my fault. Much of, you know, your current condition, is my fault. I, I was the one who did kill you, that one time, and then I believe if I'm counting correctly, seventeen times since. I did eat your heart out of your chest, I'm pretty sure I admitted to that. So that's all fine. That's fine too. So, in many ways, if you're feeling fragile these days, it is my fault. It's absolutely my fault. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for a lot, actually. I could have been a better wife, I admit it.
- When Jon reaches Sovngarde, he greets Ysgramor with "I stole your soup spoon! It was a fork!"
- Jon translates Alduin's dying words as dragon for "Ow, that really bloody hurts! I'm all on fire and wrinkly! Ouch, ow ow ow!"
- Jon's main concern with the quest "The Taste of Death" is that it's going to end with him becoming a vampire again. But he's willing to go through the whole Cannibal Clan murdering and eating a priest thing, becoming another daedric prince's champion... and then he recognizes one of the cultists as the guy who sold him his puppy.Banning: You buy a war dog from me? There's a reason my hounds are so eager to bite people.
Jon: ...Vigilance! He was... fed human flesh... that's... Okay. I'm not sure I'm one hundred percent keen on any of this. [...] As it turns out, I have uncovered a secret group of cannibals operating in and around Markarth, who have been murdering people and feeding the meat to the other citizens, and also feeding it to my dog. Now... (draws sword) I don't know if you know this, but I'm quite protective of my dog.
- Jon explains that a guard might be Bullying a Dragon by demanding he stop snooping around.Jon: Go on, what happens, I'm curious? What happens to: the thane of this city, who's also the Dragonborn, who's also the master of the college of the mages, who's also the leader of the Companions, who's also the kinda interim leader of the Thieves Guild, who's also the whatever-it-is related to the Night Mother, the Listener or whatever, and who's also probably seventeen other jobs, including being the preferred champion of seven different daedric princes. Tell me what happens, unnamed NPC?
Stormcloak Soldier: Funny. This is your last warning, outsider. We keep the peace here. Stay out of our business.
Jon: I'm literally the thane! You cocking work for me!
- "You're right, Madanach: one person got a really bad deal. And because of that single anecdote, let's bring down society!"
- After ending the civil war, Jon's disappointed that he can't make Ulfric Stormcloak his new Undead Thrall, but does the next best thing: stripping his and Galmar's corpses to their loinclothes and leaving them in a lover's embrace on the floor of the throne room.
- Jon decides to adopt Sofie into his house in Windhelm, which he admits he'll probably never visit again, and gives some specific instructions on his way out the door:Sofie: Did you need something, mama?
Jon: Yeah, uh, just one thing - the secret cupboard? Never touch Mum's secret cupboard, alright? Seriously, that's where the necromancy happens. Do not go into my secret enchanting room, I will throw you out on the streets.
- The very first thing Jon does after opening a Black Book is fall off a platform into the corrosive sea of ink, ejecting him from Apocrypha.Jon: Lesson learned: don't go in the water. Because it's kind of weird and oily and evil and also full of tentacles and whatever...
- Jon's excited to be in Apocrypha, since he's Hermaeus Mora's champion and remembers how well his last quest with the abomination went.Jon: Last time I did a big thing for him, and read one of his books, I got like loads of skill points out of it, so, probably a good idea to basically-
(a tentacle emerges from the oil and slaps at him)
Jon: Oh, uh, hello! ...Or possibly not a good idea to investigate his library, because it's full of tentacles that want to murder me.
- "I like how everyone here in Raven Rock is basically from the north of England. It's just Yorkshire, in a volcanic island form!"
- While fighting foes who have reanimated the corpses in an old ruin, Jon tries to rebrand himself.Jon: Not nice people, those bloody necromancers... I'm not really a necromancer, by the way. I know I do some necromancy, but really, I do more summoning from Hell, and less bringing the dead back to life. So really, I'm quite the good necromancer.
- Jon declares that Master Neloth is the best NPC in the entire game and is all too willing to become the mad wizard's Professional Butt-Kisser.
- Jon describes Hermaeus Mora as his boyfriend, and is disappointed that the mass of eyes and writhing tentacles doesn't make a personal appearance the second time he visist Apocrypha.
- Even in Part 106 of the playthrough, Jon still struggles with pendulum traps.
- "Deeper and flipping deeper... wow, this place really goes on a bit. I thought we were just nipping in to, like, say hello to Miraak and kicking off the story, but no... [...] And yet further and further and bloody further down... at this point this is basically just Drama Queen architecture, okay? You didn't need to keep going further and further down, you just felt like being dramatic, Miraak, admit it."
- "I will head due north, in that case, I'll come back and visit that island later. And yeah, for the moment at least, let's actually just try and head down here, pick up the taproots that I need to fix up the mushroom, because that sounds fun, and then I'll probably save your people, possibly, I'm not sure. I'll do it if I can be bothered."
- The comments section is predictably horrified when the man with -1 Perception declares he's going on a treasure hunt.
- Jon's still besotted with Neloth, even after having to go off and kill one of his assassins that he can't be bothered to handle himself.Jon: Also, Neloth is going to be so pleased with me. By which I mean, he's going to be slightly pleased with me, but won't admit it, because he's just too good to actually show gratitude or whatever. And that's fine, he is my master, I am his faithful servant, I shouldn't expect anything better than, ideally, not being murdered, hopefully.
- It takes an embarrassingly long time for Jon to realize the minions he left behind are now in front of him because "Wait, it's a circle! That's how circles work, yes!"
- "So he's got his magic cube, which I can't help but notice he hasn't given to me. Alright, he's just insisting on keeping that for himself, and he's not saying 'I'm going to be your follower,' he's basically assuming that he is the protagonist of this story, and I'm an NPC follower for him, which is marvelous."
- When chosing the reward for clearing the Untold Legends Black Book, on the one hand, Jon often complains that vendors never have enough money to buy his enchanted jewelry. On the other hand, "I honestly can't think of anything I want more than a dremora butler."
- "Well, that was remarkably simple. And I am very clearly the good guy, because I didn't murder anyone. I was planning on murdering everyone, but then I thought, 'You know what, why bother?'"
- When exploring Vahlok's Tomb and its puzzles, Jon is alarmingly quick to assume he needs to kill the questgiver NPC he's been hired to escort through the dungeon.Tharstan: "A sacrifice will bring you closer to that which you seek." I wonder what it means?
Jon: Oh, um, it means bad news for you, Tharstan! [...] Does the game just want me to murder this guy and toss him into the firepit? Because I'm totally fine with doing that, if that's what the game wants!
- After finding Karstaag's Skull in an icy cave after having explored Castle Karstaag, Jon is eager to return it to the rest of the skeleton, "because I'm assuming, logically, that he'll be quite appreciative of that!" After ten minutes of fighting and dying to the Bonus Boss from hell:Jon: Right, I've made an executive decision, which is, um, I'm going to basically rule the entire world, and Karstaag can have his bloody frozen courtyard. I don't actually care enough about it. So, have a good life, it's lovely to have met you...
- "The enormity and dignity of your sacrifice, I'll admit, was slightly undermined by the fact that Frea is slighly freaking out and glitching in a slightly hilarious manner in the background."
- Nine episodes into his Imperator: Rome campaign, the YouTube comments are increasingly irritated that Jon's efforts to unite Greece under the Pan-Hellenic League have overlooked one tiny, backwater province in the midst of his territory.YouTube Comment: Troizen: "The Achaeans can't see us if we don't move!"
Other Comment: Just a few more cities to become a major power, huh? If only there was a free city just lying around, waiting to be taken...
Another Comment: I'm convinced Jon is just trolling us all by not taking Troizen. There is zero chance he hasn't seen all the comments about it.
- Episode 10 is of course "The Troizen Redemption," where Jon mentions the annoyed comments and proceeds to colonize Troizen in all of two and a half minutes.Jon: Are you all happy now?
- The whole episode is nearly an hour long and involves two wars and major diplomatic developments, ending with an ominous hint about the future of the Hellenic League's government. The comment section of course is still fixated on Troizen.
- Also in Episode 10, Jon decides on a novel way of handling an uppity faction leader.Jon: So, you just basically need to go and - ooh! Prison! Yes, that would work. [...] Screw it, congratulations, you're in prison right now. (hits "Imprison" button) Oh no, we lost Stability, whatever shall we do- (hits the "Sacrifice to the Gods" button) oh I've stabbed a pig, so everything's fine now. So I don't really want to execute this guy, even though the Senate is on board with that. Instead, I would like nature to take its course. (spams the "Flog" button) So what we're gonna do, we're gonna give him a handful of floggings, alright. He's gonna receive some very brutal floggings. Right now his health is down to... yeah, 16.5%. One more flogging will get him down to 6.54%. And unfortunately, he's just losing health naturally, so if he just dies of "natural causes," in a few months, not really my problem. Shame really, nothing we could do about it.
- In the middle of Episode 14, a pop-up informs Jon that his empire has taken a 70-year-old Arab man prisoner. Despite not being at war with any powers in the area.Jon: Monthly legitimacy is going in the right direction, more and more tax- (pop-up appears) Apparently we... Who is that guy, and how and where did we capture him? Does anyone know where this guy came from? "The Arabian local power of..." Um? How did we capture this guy? So this guy's seventy-seven years old, suffering from dementia, and somehow we... captured him. (beat) I've decided that we're just going to let him go. Have fun doing whatever it is you were doing, wherever it was that we captured you.
- For the Imperator grand finale, Jon puts the Hellenic League's affairs in order before retiring the campaign, by building marketplaces, further weakening its remaining enemies, and securing the royal succession by marrying the Tyrant to his most competent sister. Said Tyrant goes on to get accidentally castrated in a medical mishap, but somehow still produces several more inbred offspring.Jon: Did you just manage to produce a daughter, despite being castrated? Because bloody hell, that's impressive! Impressive sexual feats just run in the family.
Medieval II: Total War
- Jon decides to play Medieval II: Total War as Denmark, and since he isn't sure how to pronounce the name of his capital, he changes it from Aarhus to "Ourhaus."
- He also gets way too into pondering why a basic Brothel structure only provides a 5% boost to a settlement's happiness.Jon: I mean if you think about it, a brothel only having five percent happiness, those are not very good prostitutes. They're just not doing their job particularly well, if you're only five percent happier afterwards. But I guess maybe that's like standardized across the entire population, because only a small proportion of the population goes. The proportion that does is presumably getting a significant happiness boost, but the average happiness - I should probably stop analyzing the happiness produced by brothels.
- The Battle of Antwerp is a bit of a fiasco, with Jon's best infantry taking heavy losses on the walls. But to make up for that, a unit of Peasants that battered down a gate as a diversion on the flank somehow manage to drive off a unit of Armored Sergeants, leading Jon to rename the settlement Peasantville (and later, at the comments section's urging, Peasantwerp) in honor of their valor. The Peasants go on to get retrained and re-equipped, and join Jon's Russia invasion force.
- The Moors spend the campaign trying to win a diplomatic victory, by forming alliances with everyone from Spain to the Papacy(!). When they land a stack outside one of Jon's cities right when Sicily was about to attack it, but without initiating hostilities themselves, Jon thanks the Moorish peacekeeping force for separating the belligerents. Then when the Moors eventually do attack him, Jon's mystified, though perhaps he shouldn't be.YouTube comment: Jon doesn't know why the PEACEkeeping force is attacking him even when he is the most warmongering nation right now
- When a Danish cardinal becomes Pope, Jon calls a crusade against Milan, both to draw the Germans away from his borders, and because he just hates Milan that much for its conniving campaign AI and overpowered Pavise Crossbow units.
- After an inept meatgrinder battle against hundreds of Russian cavalry in the castle of Smolensk, Jon renames the settlement Lasagne. Specifically, Tesco lasagne.
- "Because you know what, these guys, they're basically religious fanatics, they literally came here to die to guarantee their passage into heaven, so I'm gonna give them an opportunity to die! That's literally the nicest thing I can do at this point."
- While defending Novgorod/Vikingrad, Jon, who has left his heavy infantry on the walls while sallying forth with his ranged infantry, pauses the game a split-second before the Russian cavalry smashes into his archers:Jon: Hmm... this has not gone how I was expecting at all.
- While being hard pressed by the Russians in the east, and backstabbed by a Polish invasion into his heartland, Jon decides now is the time to start a war with Sicily in the Mediterranean.YouTube comment: So you've started a land war in Asia AND gone against the Sicilians when death is on the line?
Other comment: "You know what this war needs? MORE FRONTS" - Jon, and no other commander ever.
- Jon decides to send a force south of Cairo to capture the crappy rebel castle of Dongola, which leads to unrest in Cairo after its garrison is depleted and its governor leaves. So he compensates by making Cairo closer to his seat of government, by shifting his capital from Ourhaus, a well-developed North Sea trade hub, to Lasagne, a lump of rock in the middle of formerly-Russian territory. Cue his income per turn plunging from 9642 to 2128 florins.
- Jon is saddened when his best merchant dies after one final buy-out of a rival.Jon: Ladies and gentlemen, a minute's silence, for Toke. (beat) Okay, I got bored after four seconds, but it's the thought that counts.
- "As someone said in the comments, 'Stop. Starting. Wars. With people.' I will, I will, I feel like we've got enough wars! Unless of course we perhaps start a war with Milan, so actually, contrary to what I just said, we might be about to start just one more little war."
- Yes, Jon explains that war with Milan is "the natural state of things - sooner or later, there's always a war with Milan." He attacks a Milanese army trying to besiege his ally Venice in what turns out to be a bridge battle, where Milan's army adopts a most baffling strategy.
- A few turns after Jon drags the English into his war with France, the situation around Caen grows incrasingly bizarre as Iberian armies show up to contest the fortress but the English break their alliance with Denmark in favor of Milan, leading Jon struggling to figure out how to save the English from the French.Jon: If I could ally with the Spanish, and then the Spanish got pulled into this battle, and then I got pulled in as the ally of the Spanish, then I could aaaahhhh my brain. Uh, no, that's not going to work.
- He still has a plan, though.Jon: Send one unit of Spear Militia, so if he dies it's no problem. I'm going to send him here. So hopefully, the rebels don't attack him, because if they do they just win. But if they don't, this guy next turn can make it to the French army, assuming it doesn't attack [Caen] this turn, and that means next turn I can buy a mercenary boat using Sven of Milton Keynes to get the diplmoat from Peasantwerp to London, to offer them the alliance, and if they take the alliance that makes peace with Milan, which kind of works - actually it doesn't work in my favor, I'm about to break it anyway by attacking them a second time - but then, that troop can get over here, attack the French, or rather it can't attack the French, but it just stands next to the French during the assault, then I get to watch the assault, and then I think it's more likely the English survive, because I want them to even if they're not my friends. (beat) I promise I know what I'm doing!
- "I kind of want to offer them the ransom, because I'm pretty sure they can't afford it. Because if I execute them, I'll pick up negative traits, and this guy's a morale guy, so I'm gonna ransom the troops because I assume they can't afford it, and if they can I'm going to be really, really annoyed... Yes, good! That means I get to put them to death anyway, but I don't get negative penalties from it, and I get to stay chivalrous. Because I offered them the chance, it's just they couldn't afford to pay it."
- Jon's disappointed an enemy unit moves off the wall before his catapult can collapse it out from under them, but a freak shot more than makes up for it.
- "You guys are about to shoot a proper volley at these guys, theeerrreee we go. Lovely, well done. Dismounted Polish Nobles, does not help you. You can take as much pride as you want in your social class, when you're shot in the back, it does not matter. I think there's a moral message in there somewhere, but I'm not sure exactly what it is."
- Jon almost attacks the Holy Roman Empire purely to make the Vatican honor its alliance with him and declare war on and excommunicate the Germans, but he has the rare admission that maybe he doesn't need another war at the moment.
- The final battle for Milan has a few oddities, from one fleeing Pavise Crossbowman who wedges himself in a hillside to avoid the Danes, to forty-nine Crusader Sergeants routing after engaging a single Milanese Italian Spear Militia.
- The Battle for Ajaccio is another strange one, due to the Moors' overuse of siege engines at the expense of units that can actually take a settlement.
- "Now that was arguably a stupid, stupid, stupid move, because Antioch, we're never going to be able to hold it. Quite frankly, we'll probably make the money it cost us to take and improve it, just before the Mongol hordes even get here. And if we take Adana and Aleppo as well, it'll probably be worth it just because... then we won't be able to defeat the Mongol horde there, because they'll just be basic castles, it'll still slow them down."
- "I've got a nice, healthy economy here, twelve thousand. I was spending that on infrastructure and improving the lives of my citizens - we're not doing that anymore. Now we're just using that money to build a massive great army over at Madgeburg and Stettin, in order to head over here, toward the Polish capital."
- As the war with the French intensifies, Jon watches to see how his former ally will take advantage of it.Jon: If nothing else, I'm kind of curious what the English will do next, because I've kind of drawn a lot of French attention south, so all of a sudden, you'll notice that the French towns, fortresses, even their capital, suddenly look very, very unguarded, and the English have this massive great army, right here. Like if England were looking for a moment to backstab France and get the war back on, this would be a really good opportunity for them.
(cue England besieging the Danish castle of Iron Bruges)
Jon: No- guys. England. Seriously? Serious- okay, I wanted to be friends. I wanted to be friends with England, so, so much. But if this is what they want, then I guess we'll have to murder them, along with literally everyone else. The entire world hates Denmark so very, very much, we'll just have to murder literally everyone.
- Even after another major front opens up in Denmark's war against the planet, Jon seriously considers jumping on the Holy Romans after noticing the castle of Staufen is currently undefended.Jon: Like, some people would say, this isn't the time to start a war, because we're literally at war with... who are we not at war with? Okay, we're not at war with - assuming we're about to go to war with the Empire - we're not at war with Hungary, we're not at war with Venice, we're not at war with the Byzantines, we're not at war with the Turks. We're at war kinda by default with the Mongols, I know it says "Neutral" but they'll just attack whoever they want, it doesn't really matter. Uh, we are at war with the Egyptians, we are at war with the Sicilians, we are at war with the Moors, we're not at war with Spain or Portu- that's loads of people we're not at war with! That's so many people we're not at war with right now... in return for a castle. Yeah... one castle... plus, if I took thist castle, then I'd have a double castle, which isn't any better, but it's kind of a justification in my own mind for what I'm about to do, which is probably a stupid idea.
- King Charles the Crusader still has the Ark of the Covenant from his adventures in Egypt, which Jon hopes his forces can "carry out into the desert, leave it about here, and whenever the Mongols get close, we just, um, open it."
- Several turns after he noticed it, Staufen is still completely undefended.Jon: Why would you tempt me like this? This isn't fair... Oh gosh darn it, it's a fortress. It's a flipping fortress, it would be so difficult to take later on... Like, and war with the Imperials is inevitable. And it's just, like, it's one tiny little extra war...
- The Second Defense of Ajaccio is a close affair, when an ill-advised light cavalry charge costs Jon his commander and triggers the collapse of his left flank. Then the enemy general charges into the right flank, Jon's men start to waver, and out of desperation he fires his catapults into the scrum... and scores a direct hit on the Moorish leader, triggering the rout. What makes it better is one of the traits the enemy character had.YouTube comment: It's funny how the "Siege Expert" gets himself oneshot by a catapult.
Other YouTube comment: He knew siege equipment inside out, then siege equipment knew him inside out.
- After Jon impulsively attacks an Egyptian fleet near allied Papal ships, he realizes "I've just accidentally started a war! Oh, it's not enough that I basically fight every single war under the sun, apparently I accidentally drag other people into my wars, too."
- In Part 35, Jon launches a counter-invasion of his treacherous former allies by landing troops outside London.Jon: Hello, England! I'm the Vikings! You might be roughly aware of what happens next!
- While continuing his invasion of France, Jon is surprised to get a mission from the Prince of France asking Jon to assassinate his father. Jon decides to go for it, since the Prince is so incompetent and he's happy to get paid doing what he planned to anyway, except he doesn't actually use an Assassin to do the deed, but dozens of Danish axemen, failing the mission.Jon: What? The mission was to kill your father! Does... okay, fine, apparently it only counts if he was assassinated. Okay, so I didn't actually succeed at the mission there, because I killed him in the wrong way.
- Jon's saddened when Boleslaw the Merciless, a Polish noble he wooed with a princess at the beginning of the playthrough, finally dies on campaign out east.Jon: He died doing what he loved - putting cities under siege, and bringing terror and devastation to the populations thereof. Rest in piece, Boleslaw Hermann. Rest in piece your merciless bastard.
- One English unit has trouble going somewhere.English Armored Swordsmen: March move out march advance move out forward forward forward move out-
Jon: It's like the Medieval II Total War Dance Remix.
- When Jon's cardinals elect another Danish pope who is totally fine with his warmongering and happy to call a crusade on any of his enemies, he has only one question: "Who do I hate most in the world?"
- Jon moves his armies against the English settlements of York and Caen, which would only leave them with Caernavon, which Jon admits is risky.Jon: So basically, England wouldn't be England anymore, England would literally just be Wales. So we'd have to rename the faction Wales, which would be dangerous, because they might start eating leeks and become superhuman supermen, but... it's worth the risk, I say.
- When taking York, Jon notices that a single Armored Swordsman survived the fight for the gate, and so resolves to shoot the coward down with flaming arrows. The results are... surprising.Jon: (to his three units of Norse Archers) You, you are all fired. Every last one of you.
- "Venetians, not expecting much from them at the moment, because they've actually got some rebels at their doorstep, so probably they need to take care of them before they think about backstabbing me, which will probably happen sooner or later, because in all fairness I am very untrustworthy and not particularly well-liked, so sooner or later everyone will declare war on me. Most of these wars - okay, some of these wars, are not my fault, just most of them."
- "Make sure we put the Great Cross right at the flippin' front. That way everyone knows what we're doing is absolutely holy and proper, and in no way like a war crime or something."
- The siege of Angers is tricky since it's a citadel, and at various points Jon attacks the walls his own troops are standing on, or leaves a unit of Viking Raiders taking fire from volley after volley of crossbow bolts without moving them out of enemy range. But in the end there's only one French Peasant left in the keep, at which point Jon pulls back all his melee infantry and orders his crossbows to open fire.Jon: He's thinking "Oh my god, it's a miracle! The Danish, they're falling back, they're fleeing before me! I've done it, I've saved the town! I've saved the noble French citadel at Angiers! Truly my name will be-" (thwack!) oh, never mind.
- Despite spending several turns rooting for the Hungarians in their war against the Holy Roman Empire, Jon is at war with them because they decided to blockade his port at Corsica.Jon: Yeah, they decided to flipping attack our bloody port for no well-explained reason, with their ship, which they trained in their one port, over flipping here [on the Black Sea], and then sent around the flipping western Mediterranean, you stupid bastards.
- After Jon's Venetian allies ask for assistance against the Polish, but no battle is fought:Jon: Did we help? I don't know if we helped. That was really odd. Okay, fine, whatever. I've just been called over there and there wasn't actually a battle. But it feels like the banner was weaker, so possibly I just stood nearby and looked menacing, and that like provided emotional support for the Venetians? I'm genuinely not sure what just happened.
- "I'm gonna move King Steve over to Adana, because his main job actually - he hasn't done much in his life in, you know, terms of being leader. But basically, wherever he goes, there's a great big population explosion. So, he is the most charismatic man that has ever lived, 'cause wherever he goes, everyone suddenly feels... rather randy, and immediately they start popping out children like crazy."
- Jon's plan for resolving his Russian war is pretty straightforward.Jon: This is how we're gonna make peace in the world - we're just gonna kill everyone who's at war with me.
- Portugal's behavior continues to baffle Jon, since over the campaign it's failed to expand much in Iberia, but it's attacked Caen, tried to conquer Krakow in a crusade, briefly held Dublin, took over Caernavon, and then picked a fight with Jon. Culminating in Part 44, with:Jon: We need to kick the Portuguese out of Wales. That's an odd sentence I thought I'd never say, but here we are.
- Jon's saddened first when the outrageously charismatic King Steve passes away, then doubly so when he checks on the new Prince Skapti and finds him thoroughly disappointing. But with the Mongols so near, he can't afford to just throw away General's Bodyguard units anymore, so...Jon: I've got a plan. Skapti, I've got a really nice new place for you to live, it's called Adana! It's up north, and we believe it's one hundred percent, absolutely, totally safe...
- After watching the Golden Horde wandering around the Armenian Plateau for decades instead of attacking something, Jon concludes "The Mongols are just the biggest teases on the entire planet right now. We've been waiting for them for so long..."
- Despite being visible to Jon's forces, and having low stats in general, one of the Hungarians' Assassins manages to kill his target. Specifically...
- "I think their army has already officially lost, but you know what? No. We actually have to take these guys out to the last man. It's the final Scottish territory - albeit, you know, in Ireland - it feels right for these guys to be killed properly and whatever. And when I say 'properly,' they're still just going to be shot to pieces by archers, but screw it, it's worked pretty well so far."
- During the desperate defense of Hamburg, Jon tries to replicate the trick with flaming catapult shot fired into a mixed melee that won the day at Ajaccio.
- To try to get the Mongols to do something, Jon "ambushes" them with a unit of eighty mounted Scouts, who proceed to get massacred.Jon: Okay, I think we lost this one, but that's fine, because now we're at war with the Mongols, which will hopefully draw their attention. (beat) I probably shouldn't have drawn their attention.
- "You see guys, I promised you an adventure, you sign up with me and you get to flipping go and like, you know, skewer the local king in the ass or whatever, great fun!"
- Jon marks the passing of his best Assassin.Jon: A moment's silence, please, for Anund the Killer... that's probably not a full minute, but that's close enough, that's fine.
- "Oh, so many dead Germans. So many dead Germans on the field. They should not have attacked me - I wanted to be friends. I was up for what people were saying in the comments, 'Ooh, you should probably be friends with them, no need for war with them,' I was up for it! This is their fault! I was happy to live and let live with Portugal, and Spain, and Scotland, and everyone! Basically, everyone in the world is a dick apart from me."
- "We can just walk straight in, Frankfurt is unguarded, in we go, it is a lovely large city, and we shall be welcomed with open arms! And then we're gonna sack the place, so they'll probably regret welcoming us with open arms."
- After "a long friendship and a longer war," Jon finally puts an end to the last remnants of Poland.Jon: I'd say I'm feeling sorry for the Polish, but every time I almost feel sorry for the Polish, then I remember that they betrayed me and they started this.
- Jon plans to wipe out the last of the Holy Roman Empire in a single turn of assaults, "Unless the Pope gets any bloody stupid ideas." Sure enough, before he can attack he gets a mission to cease hostilities against his fellow Catholics. Jon attacks anyway since he figures proceeding with a siege that started before the warning doesn't count as initiating hostilities, only to find that his empire's public order is tanking because yes, he's excommunicated.Jon: Yeah, everyone gets a tax cut. Everybody gets a tax cut! So, you may not get into heaven, but taxes are down, so for some people that's probably going to be enough.
- When the Sole Survivor of a unit of Dismounted Huscarls is welcomed into the royal family in recognition of his victory over some Scottish rebels, Jon gushes over how Karl Bengtsson is a better character than his actual king. Said king's garbage Authority leads Karl to go rebel a turn later, but even when Jon has to fight him, Jon has nothing but good things to say about the rogue Karl, how he was so impressed with his previous opponents that he now identifies as Scottish, and how he's willing to ride to the rescue of some mercenary crossbowmen. After the battle, the "Man of the Hour" event fires again, and Jon finds the new Danish family member eerily familiar.Jon: Would you believe, after that battle, in which Karl Bengtsson mysteriously fell and was captured, but then sort of disappeared and then nobody knows where he went, suddenly there's some new guy who just actually showed up, Captain Hardeknud, a man who we'd suspiciously not really heard of before today, and that's a suspiciously similar portrait to the one I think Karl used - he's just had a flipping haircut!
- "We've got an earthquake? Oh dear. Right, six thousand people dead in Alexandria. Possibly we're seeing a bit of divine disfavor from the whole excommunication thing, we've got..." (reads an event message for Bologne) "We're literally had two simultaneous earthquakes. Blimey. On the plus side, that gets the population way down, that's good for me as far as I'm concerned!"
- When Jon assaults the capital of France's King Henry, Jon reminds everyone how he put the guy on the throne like he wanted, but got stiffed for not killing the previous king the right way. "So in all fairness, I don't feel like this is really murder, it's debt collection."
- In a desperate attempt to make the Mongols attack him, Jon captures the Turkish fortress at Caesarea, which is roughly in the Golden Horde's meandering path. Unfortunately he forgot that the Turks and Venetians were allied, costing him his only remaining ally.Jon: I've got no friends. I've literally not got any friends anymore - oh. Now I feel bad.
- Then after Venice blockades his port (while Jon talks about how the Venetians aren't backstabbing him yet), he checks his diplomacy menu to see whether he's got "the full set" yet.Jon: So, if I just start a war against the Byzantines, and then the Pope excommunicates me and begins a war - which they're blatantly planning to do - then at that point I will be at war with the entire world. (beat) Well quite frankly, that just strikes me as a good thing to aim for, really, doesn't it?
- The siege of Vienna is very nearly a botch job, with Jon feeding his forces piecemeal into the meatgrinder while his AI-controlled allied army takes its sweet time getting into the city. But the AI proves it did learn something from a previous campaign.Jon: Oh, blimey! O-kay, good! So as it turns out, the Danish Army has learned something from the invasion of England, and that is the noble, ancient art of queuing. They are now really good at queuing, even under the most difficult of circumstances. This is extreme queuing.
- "Yeah, the Swordstaff Militia, even though they're militia troops, they'll do a good job - there he is! There's the king! Stab him! Stab him with a big stick! No, don't die! Stop dying, you cowards!"
- "I wanted to be friends with these guys. I would happily have formed a great big Danish-Polish-Hungarian alliance against Western Europe! But noooo, everyone had to hate me because I'm a 'monster who kills everyone.'"
- Jon finally finds a use for the awful King Skapti - sending him and a butt-ton of Norse Archers against a smaller Mongol army that got ahead of the horde, "And if we're lucky, he might be able to kill himself, let's go." Surprisingly, his army manages to shoot down and rout the Mongol force, leading Jon to incredulously report that "King Skapti is the first person to fight the Mongols and... won. Well. That's a turnout for the history books."
- During the assault on León, it takes Jon five minutes to notice that his general got killed by a ballista tower. Specifically, as he was saying "Actually, things are fine."
- When Jon's papal problems escalate into an invasion of Rome, he's shocked at the state of the city.Jon: Presumably Rome is... fairly well-developed, it's got a City Hall and, uh... it's got an Abbey. You never built a Cathedral in Rome? You're the cocking Pope, what else were you doing?! Oh, I see the Pope has time to build a Siege Works, but not a Cathedral, obviously.
- Jon has a simple plan to get himself reconciled: destroy other factions until there are more Danish Cardinals than anyone else so they'll elect a Denmark-friendly Pope. And if that doesn't work...Jon: If not, we'll just keep killing Popes until eventually I do get a good one, it'll be fine.
- "And the Turks continue to just bumble around. Honestly, the Turks have taken lessons from the Mongols, they're doing some top-notch bumbling right now. And Portugal? That's not bumbling, that's just Portugal-ing, it's not a special thing."
- "C'mon Mongols, do this for me, I'm begging you... The moment they actually do it, by the way, I'm going to regret the fact they're doing it, I'm going to regret it so flipping much."
- The Pope sends a beefy papal army to try to retake Rome, but Jon assembles an equivalent force and marches out to meet it. And then his king's miserable Authority stat strikes again.Jon: That entire army just went rogue. The entire army that was supposed to take on the Pope just went flipping rogue. Right. Snorri of... okay. Skapti? I think I've got a mission for you.
- And so King Skapti heroically attacks three Mongol armies at once, nearly ruins everything by trying to rout from the field, but luckily ends up char-broiled. Afterward, the Mongols try to ransom him regardless.Jon: Am I willing to ransom King - he was hit by a giant flaming ball! I'm gonna be honest, I don't want to pay ten thousand Florins for what crispy, crispy bits are left of him. Um, no, sorry, how about you keep Skapti, I'll gladly, however, ransom the rest of it!
- "So, that is the Pope dead, like, again. So we'll have another papal election, and I don't want to give the game away, but we're going to keep having those elections until eventually someone votes the correct way."
- The Second Relief of Venice is another awkward bridge battle, this time because Jon's AI-controlled reinforcements are firing cannons into the scrum that are inflicting more casualties upon him than the enemy.
- "Oh, to be a Mongol today! Y'know, you're just walking through a sandstorm thinking 'You know what, the enemy is somewhere over there, somewhere in that sandstorm, hey, what's that weird terrifying sound like thunder in the distance? Oh, why am I suddenly on fire and flat?'"
- Jon is so desperate to have a friend that he pays the Byzantines forty thousand Florins to aggree to an alliance. At the same time he's trying to replace losses sustained from the Mongols finally getting their act together.Jon: ...I bet they betray me next turn. I bet they break off the alliance in five turns and attack me, who bloody knows.
- With the capture of Yerevan in Part 65, Jon finally has contiguous borders across his empire! And a host of problems within it, as seen when Jon offers a tour.
- "If they want a new alliance, I'd love to become friends with the Pope again. Me and the Pope get on, for the most part, these days, mainly because he's been given a very clear lesson what happens when Denmark and the Pope don't get on."
- "So, in come crossbows to the front, in come lances to the rear, no one likes a horse up the ass, and these guys will probably break pretty quickly."
- The Battle of Antioch is a comedy of errors, as Jon's AI-controlled reinforcements decide to sally forth to counter-attack, opening the gates so the Mongol cavalry pours in. By the end of the slog, a lone Mongol general without his bodyguard - the only Mongol unit left on the field - is able to make Jon's exhausted infantry flee every time he rides near, just because of his high Dread rating.Jon: You know the embarrassing thing is, this one guy, this one remaining bloody king, is actually at this point winning the battle. He's actually winning.
- Just when it looks like Jon's going to have an easy victory against the Mongols in the field, he orders his general to charge an enemy unit he'd also told his artillery to fire upon. Five minutes later, he does the same thing to one of his heavy infantry units.YouTube comment: Lesson I've learned from the past several videos: Jon should not be allowed to use artillery.
- Jon's -1 Perception strikes on the strategic layer, when he tries to contain the Mongols by moving his armies via boat, only to find the transports already full.Jon: Wait, what? Oh! Apparently we had a massive army in this fleet. Did anyone know we had a massive army in this fleet? That strikes me as useful!
- "And our king, Thorgils the Lawgiver, put his hands to the sky and said, 'Lord, if you approve of what we have done here, over the past few centuries, give us a sign!' And then the plague broke out literally everywhere in the world, so possibly, possibly we have strayed slightly from the Catholic doctrine of 'Thou shalt not kill.' That was one of the Ten Commandments, we have been ignoring that one quite a lot, actually."
- Jon's actually pleased when King Thorgil's Dread rating starts going up as he picks up traits like "Open to Murder" and "Merciless," since it also improves his Authority. And it means the king's retinue includes both a personal torturer and famed mathematician Roger Bacon.
- "May as well go an mop up the Venetians while we're just, you know, passing the flip by - ooh. 'This will result in excommunication.' (beat) Well, I guess it's time for a new pope, then!"
- The defense of Iconium looks a bit iffy at first, due to the poor quality of the garrison, but between Jon's Ribault and the Byzantine's strategy, it's not too bad.Jon: So, the Peasants that were sent up front just to test the waters have not done well, coming up next, however, is... more Peasants! Good! In comes the artillery, and off naff the Peasants. And behind them are... yet more Peasants, good! I'm liking these advanced Byzantine tactics!
- When the Timurids show up with their signature units, Jon goes on a little rant about the dubious historical accuracy, and military impracticality, of strapping cannons onto elephants.
- Jon makes a point of exterminating the population of Nicaea, so the people watching from Constantinople get an idea of what's going to happen to them. After the massacre:Jon: Ooh, Karl Milling's gone a bit evil. I swear he used to be good before we started going on genocidal rampages...
- When the Timurids attack Mosul but mostly stand around outside instead of fully engaging his defenses, Jon decides to "gift" them the outer walls by opening a gate to lure them in. Five minutes later, he's forced to admit he "may have made a small mistake letting them into my city." Then when the enemy is gathered outside the final line of defenses, Jon orders his cannon elephants to fire through the gate, which not only kills some of his own elephants, but...Jon: I think I just accidentally blew up my own gate, also my elephants are now running amok.
- Jon takes issue when an event tries to convince him that the world is round.Jon: No, the world is very clearly not round, because as you can see on this map, the world is very much rectangular. You go north until you reach, like, Scandinavia, then there's a terrifying black abyss into nothingness and we don't talk about the black abyss, which also runs along like Russia and down the Middle East, and also don't even talk about what's going on south of Egypt, and the water basically just plummets off the edge of the world over here. What's this - no no no, what's all this space over here for? Bloody hell, there's a bunch of wasted space on the map now, dear oh flipping dear...
- When the last two Muslim factions declare a jihad for Constantinople, Jon holds off on conquering their remaining settlements, instead merely besieging them, just so he can play a game.Jon: Basically, whoever takes Constantinople gets to live for more than like three or more turns, and whoever fails to take Constantinople will be completely eliminated from the game and all of history momentarily.
- "This front line is just being torn apart... oh dear. Oh wait, not oh dear, that's them, not me!"
- One of the armies Jon was counting on to bottle up the Timurids decides to go rebel instead of following his orders, which could be put down to another low-Authority king, or maybe the fact that the faction leader is currently sailing across the Atlantic.Jon: I admit this doesn't actually look good - um, the current king, who is kind of terrible, actually, basically decided to naff off to an entirely different continent. It's not exactly a glowing endorsement of how he thinks his troops are going to do in this war, is it?
- Jon's first proper victory against the Timurids comes despite poorly positioning his artillery, and leaving someone very important behind for ten minutes after deploying the rest of his army.
- The first fleet to reach the New World has nothing in it but a unit of Catalans, who wander around Mexico until thousands of Aztecs decide to murder them. In the battle that follows, Jon is impressed by their morale.Jon: Apparently they're "Eager," which, you know, due respect, for a guy who's standing in this position right now and decided, "You know what? I'm fresh, I'm eager, I think today is just gonna be a good day for me!" Keep tossing the javelins, by the way, you only have so long to keep doing it.
- Jon barely bats an eye when King Hafidhi dies, but gets suspicious when Prince Halstan dies the same turn. The new King Harald unfortunately is completely terrible due to traits like "Slothful," "Actively Disloyal," and "No Sense of Mortality."
- It takes 86 episodes, but for the Grand Finale, Jon acknowledges that he hasn't been using the phrase "indirect fire" properly. In a hill battle where he has no actual ranged units.
- Jon admits that fighting the Aztecs is more fun than challenging.Jon: I like taking on the Aztecs - it's not always that difficult, but it's very satisfying. It's very satisfying to show up in the New World with a massive technological advantage and be faced with just a massive horde of just tons of tough, fast, but fairly basic troops. It's very, very fun indeed. I mean, you know, kind of historically horrifying, but fun from the point of Medieval II Total War.
YouTube comment: Jon, your inner Britishness is showing.
- Jon points out that Medieval II's second victory screen, which shows up when you conquer literally the entire map, only gives you the option to return to the main menu.Jon: And with that, the game basically says "Alright, that's it, you're flipping done, Get Out!"
- Jon's first proper Stellaris campaign is as The Mighty Ducks of Duckburg ("Woo-oo"), the Fanatical Materialist, Pacifist inheritors of a flooded Earth in Humanity's Wake. Their empire is called The Infinite Pond, "a pond that stretches out forever, with infinite breadcrumbs floating in the waves." Though the proper adjective is "Quackian," because constructing an adjective from The Infinite Pond "would be grossly offensive to our duck gods."
- One of the first things Jon does is rename his Science Ship from the QQ Escalate to the QQ Science McShipface, since it after all will be the face of the empire during First Contact.
- Jon's first colony can only support four Pops because it's choked by toxic kelp, but then he sees a huge, beautiful water world in the Phract system... which he can't settle because it has a primitive civilization on it, and his Pacifist ethos prevents him from changing his "Xeno Interference" policy to do more than observe or uplift primitives.Jon: Sadly, my pacifist ways mean I can't just bomb a primitive people to have their bloody world for mine. Bloody hell! Ugh, fine. You know what, whatever, we won't bomb you, I guess, you lucky gits...
- "Our guys can totally, totally, probably, totally take out these guys... yeah? Probably?"
- Jon gets distracted until it's too late to save his Science Ship from being destroyed by a pirate base's defenses, and in Part 3 goes on a Roaring Rampage of Revenge for the QQ Science McShipface... except it was the QQ Pounce that was lost, and Jon only notices that his favorite ship is still around in Part 4, after he's been giving it orders for forty minutes.YouTube comment: -Seeks revenge for destroying Science McShipFace
-Kills pirates with big fleet
-Sends Science McShipFace to scan the debris
- "Well that's fine, we have got plenty of money, I feel like we've got loads of money right now, though maybe not that much money, ah, where's my Construction Ship right now? It should probably be doing something... my Construction Ship can't actually do anything right now, it can't afford to build anything, that's a bit of a shame but no worries..."
- "Ooh, hello? The Imperium of I Haven't Heard of You has declared war on someone I don't even know who they are! Big news! More at seven!"
- With a lack of habitable worlds to settle and other empires' borders hemming him in, Jon proves that pragmatism may trump his empire's pacifism as he takes a closer look at his neighbors.Jon: How about you? "Unfriendly" and... they're weaker than us. Their fleet power is "Inferior." I'm not saying that we should declare war on them, just because they're weaker than us. But we really, really need a place to expand, and we're running out of options.
- "Wait, hang on a minute... where did the... was the... oh. So, um, the reason the Lolehndrans are looking so strong is, um, I think they possibly just ate the Bilnocs, the religious fundamentalists who were over here, right? They've just gone a bit missing. Well, no mention of them. Yeah, I think they might be gone. Oh dear. Right. How are you guys feeling about us again? 'Actively hostile' and are superior to us. Hmm. Okay. Bit of a problem, here."
- Part 5 brings an interruption to Jon's war plans, because after looking through the systems in his borders to decide whether to research Arctic or Tundra World Colonization next, he notices something right next to The Brightest Quack.Jon: Apparently, Sirius III is and always has been a massive oceanic world that's just... there, and I've even had a little research post around outside the whole time, and somehow I missed that this here was a flipping habitable world.
- He still plans on having a war of expansion, though, and he's going to be the good guy during it, since his target is a despotic dictatorship.Jon: Basically, I'm going on a mission of liberation. I'm liberating their people from them, 'cause they're clearly dicks. So the people will throw open their gates to us with open arms and everything will be lovely. And I? I have a plan for dealing with them.
- Just when Jon's about to declare war on the Ganlarev, his allies the Buhavilaa ask if he wants to join them during their own campaign of liberation. Jon happily agrees, and other than the Brightest Quack getting bombarded by an enemy fleet for a while, the war goes very well... and ends with the Buhavilaa getting one Ganlarev system and the rest being turned into puny single-world empires, while Jon gets absolutely nothing for his trouble.Jon: I can't help but feel like the Buhavilaa did something very, very clever there, which is, they pretty much just moved in, and took over this world, and now they've pretty much blocked me off from ever getting to any of these. But I'm not really having that, to be honest.
- But once again, Jon's plans are derailed by the Buhavilaa wanting to liberate more worlds from a neighbor, so Jon gets to spend Part 7 doing all the heavy lifting during a long slog of a war, without gaining anything for his efforts.Jon: So we've got some experience winning wars, ladies and gentlemen, now we just have got to get the spoils from them. Next time, we actually go in on a war of aggression that we're gonna start for ourselves, and we're not stopping until we have seized some planets off some other people.
YouTube comment: Putting the "fist" in "pacifist."
Another comment: Stellaris: Pacifist Run: Kill Everything Run.
- In Part 8, Jon acknowledges comments that he hasn't been the most peaceful pacifist, and admits that he still plans on invading someone, "but it's going to be a pretty small war, so don't worry about it."
- "I'll do the Paradise Dome later, I just need to genetically-engineer the pacifism out of my species."
- Jon's disappointed that his new colonies aren't doing much for his empire's look on the world map.Jon: I wouldn't mind having this whole area, just so my empire is a little more round. I know that probably shouldn't be my main concern when planning who to go to war with, but it is a concern.
- "Meanwhile, over here in Menchib, are you guys ready to go yet? ...Oh, no, sorry, I've been clicking on the wrong world, I keep clicking on that world! This world's been ready to go for some time! I'm good at running space."
- In Part 9, Jon has to spend a moment cooing over a Tiyanki pod wandering through his territory.Jon: Hello squid, I like you, I like space squid, they're nice. I wish we did have space squid - well, assuming they were, like, you know, wandering, eating bits of floating stuff and they actually didn't want to eat me. Assuming that was the case, I would like space squid.
- And just a few minutes after that, Jon has to spend a moment cooing over his Delightful Bloodshed-class battleship.Jon: My god, look at it! Look at it, shiny and beautiful! Aw, when this thing appears in your sky, basically you know you are going to die.
- Jon draws, but chooses not to pursue, the "Clone Armies" technology.Jon: Maybe don't use a Clone Army. "A natural lifespan of less than a decade, a lack of personal initiative" - you say this, right up to the point where one of them goes asking "Do we have souls?" And then they go asking for "rights" and "not to be sent into the meatgrinder," no, we're going for Atmospheric Filtering.
- "Stone Age primitives - why can't they just hurry up and become spacefaring? Then I could do something fun with them."
- Jon's outraged when a separatist faction forms within his empire, planning to free a world from "imperial rule."Jon: This isn't imperial rule, this is the iron fist of science! That's way better than imperial rule!
- After another look at his empire's policies, Jon (a pacifist) decides to switch from "Defensive Wars Only" to "Unrestricted Wars"Jon: Good, change the war philosophy. This doesn't seem to cost anything, by the way- (pop-up notification appears) Oh. Um, the - oh dear. I may have just slightly annoyed our [Fanatical Pacifist] allies, here, by saying that unrestricted war is a good thing.
- Part 10, where Jon finally gets to launch his war of conquest, is of course labeled "New Pacifism."
- "I mean, this is bravery, this is bravery right here, that these guys have actually decided to stand and fight. It's also arguably stupidity, but it's kind of bravery..."
- Jon's still wary of the Pops of Post-The Mighty Ducks that resulted from him researching genetic engineering, and takes a moment to examine his options for dealing with them.Jon: So this presumably therefore is what things like, you know, enslaving, resettling and purging is for. Though right now I kind of have a position against purging, but... if they became problematic, then potentially I could just purge all of these...
- Between Jon's aggressive policy positions alienating his citizens and the unhappiness coming from his newly-conquered world, he resorts to a Lythuric Manipulator structure to increase social conformity.Jon: Because it pacifies people, I'm going to call it the "Pax gas," and it's definitely not going to - what do you mean, Reavers?
- Jon is initially intimidated by an empire's skull emblem, then he takes a look at the species in question and changes his mind about them mid-sentence.
- After finally building Observation Stations over the primitive cultures within his empire's borders, Jon decides to enlighten one of them, because "surely they'll become our friends, or if we don't, then we can just, like, murder them or whatever."
- The unhappiness situation continues until a science lab on his latest conquest is damaged in an act of sabotage.Jon: That is unfortunate indeed, and when I say "unfortunate," burn the bastards to the ground. Kill them all! I demand purges!
- In Part 12, Jon decides that "if you can't find anyone around who wants to be friends, we're going to make friends" by declaring a War of Liberation to create some vassals. The conflict doesn't go terribly well at the start, though, as one of Jon's detachments gets overwhelmed by sheer numbers, and then his ground forces in their defenseless transports get ahead of his warships when moving toward an enemy fleet.Jon: Right. So we just lost our entire army... um... What do we do now?
- Jon's pleased when his first effort at native enlightenment is completed, less so when he reads the terms of the treaty.Jon: Did we just give them the system?! Why did we do that?!
- "Meanwhile, 1st Murder has not found anything over here, so let's go back to our original starting position and do this war better this time."
- Having lost his first ground invasion force, in Part 13 Jon re-thinks his position on Clone Armies.Jon: This one I might have been pre-emptive on. It would actually be quite nice to have Clone Armies, 'cause our armies are, like, are actually not that good. [...] Let's get going, let's make some clones. There's no way it's gonna end badly, aside from when it does.
- "I don't know if this is a sensible thing to do. But like, once you've built the fleet, it doesn't feel like not using it has much point. You may as well use it. This was not a war of aggression, this was a war of liberation. A slightly dubious liberation, but..."
- Jon eventually gets the hang of interstellar conflict and wins his war of liberation, reviving one of his former neighbors! Good?Jon: We've actually created a new Bilnoc empire! That's brilliant! Wait, weren't the Bilnocs dicks who we hated? Well, I'm sure this is fine! I'm sure this is one hundred percent fine, we have got a new Bilnoc Conglomerate! Oh yeah! Oh that is just absolutely, one hundred percent perfect, I think, probably, hopefully.
- After the Ganlarev population on the world Jon annexed do nothing but cause trouble for him, he decides to grant them their independence, creating a "vassal" empire that actively hates him.Jon: They're now independent, that means we're down to five our of five [directly-controlled systems], this area is now... (cracking up) I went to war to kind of go to war against these guys, and now I've just given them their independence, but I'm sure it will all work out. We gave it straight back again, we took it over and then we gave it straight back, I'm sure it will all work out just fine in the end.
- In Part 14, Jon is bothered that one sector of his empire is an enclave within the United Kithri Sovereignty, and so he starts "a very small war, with the Kithri, just for the sake of reunification, that's all."
- Jon's settled so many worlds that he's just started accepting the default colony names, "because I'm kind of running out of duck puns."
- "Apparently these guys are not very happy... oh, we're in an offensive war and you're pacifist, okay fine, that's a reasonable excuse."
- After a long, painful slog of a world, Jon tries to win over the population of his newly-annexed worlds.Jon: Anyway, once again we will upgrade all your buildings for you. See, the Romans, we've come in, we've brought roads, how can you possibly hate us when we've brought roads?
- The occupied planet-turned vassal-turned independent system on Jon's border still hates him, and the feeling is mutual, so he "liberates" them as a mini-empire that shares his ethics, and suddenly he has a neighbor who likes him so much they agree to become his protectorate.Jon: I feel this is how George W. Bush really hoped his Middle East invasions were going to go, that if you go in and stamp on them, then they immediately, magically get replaced by people who agree with you and want to be your friends. But it didn't actually go that way... but it does in Stellaris, so that's lovely! Maybe George W. Bush enjoys playing Stellaris, who knows?
- "So now, my Influence gain has actually jumped to +4 a month. +4 a month is fantastic! That means I can really start actually (event pop-up) 'Nationalist sabotage.' Well not everything's gone to plan... You blew up the Paradise Dome?! I have to spend two Influence to repair that? You were supposed to be the happy lads, I didn't even realize I had a major problem with you. I should replace all of you with bloody robots, robots are always happy..."
- During the lull after his latest bit of New Pacifism, Jon takes stock of his military options and is baffled when he sees one of the available army types.Jon: Also, I can clone... droids. (beat) I think you may have just slightly misunderstood how droids work, there. But apparently if I clone the droids, they get better, because we genetically-improved the... droid. Y'know that, that makes perfect sense, yes, absolutely...
- Late in Part 15, Jon's scientists detect some sort of galactic energy surge, and then something called the Unbidden arrive south of his empire. Jon decides to send a construction ship over just to see what's going on, and...Jon: Let's just kind of prepare ourselves, see what's going on here, and we have got ourselves...
VIR: Construction ship under attack.
Jon: I think it just got eviscerated before I could even see what was happening. That there is a good sign! And any chance there could be peace between us, terrifying beast from another dimension?
The Unbidden: Peace... no peace...
Jon: Well, make your mind up!
- Jon, who has 27k Fleet Power in his main doomstack, sends some expendable scouts into Unbidden territory and encounters three 40k Fleet Power stacks.Jon: It kinda feels like... our fleet is going to struggle, ever so slightly.
- Jon knows from Mass Effect that he needs to unite the galaxy against the Unbidden, but unfortunately everyone else hates him because of the whole "New Pacifism" spree, and his neighbors have all been crippled by his wars against them, so they stand no chance against the Unbidden.Jon: Possibly this is kind of my fault... I have learned a valuable lesson: when the lategame crisis shows up, well... if you went around waging wars and making your neighbors weak so you could be strong, it doesn't actually... help, that much, unfortunately.
- "I think the admiral died - no, the [empire] leader's dead. Maybe he committed suicide, because it was more honorable than accepting this utterly, utterly humiliating defeat."
- After spending the Grand Finale trying to Fling a Light into the Future by settling The Last Quack, Jon builds up as best he can and tries one last desperate assault on the portal the Unbidden are entering through.Jon: Death or glory, lads! Death! Or! Glory! ...Y'know, in seventeen days, when the warp winds down. That slightly undermines the heroic narrative, though.
- The attack is ultimately a success, and Jon gets a pop-up announcing the Unbidden's defeat. Or at least, the portal's destruction.Jon: "...the end of these invaders is finally in sight. A profound sense of elation has settled over most of the galaxy-" you say this, but how exactly are we going to stop what's already bloody here?!
- After extracting his fleet and getting it back to repair and rebuild, Jon announces an end to the series, because even though there's still a lot of Unbidden to be destroyed, "when you read the story of a thrilling hero who dived into the lion's den and snatches victory from the jaws of defeat, do you really ever want to hear how he mopped up the blood afterward?"
- His Stellaris: Utopia playthrough gets off to a rough start due to technical difficulties.Jon: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to... (screen changes to desktop) balls.
- His Space Romans' first neighbor turns out to be a Fallen Empire made up of an innocuous-looking species. When the chat demands he declare war, Jon has to explain the situation.Jon: This◊ here, this is the face of DEATH. Okay? This is what my sudden death looks like. These are Holy Guardians, Fanatical Spiritualists with overwhelming power in their fleet, armies and technology levels. Their cities float.
- Jon has to explain why his citizens joining the Pacifists faction isn't necessarily a good thing, even though he's trying to build a federation.Claire: Wait, but didn't you want to be friends with everybody and have like-
Jon: Yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't want to occasionally murder other people too! Too many pacifists in the empire is going to cause flippin' trouble. They're bloody trouble-makers. They're gonna want us to not wage wars and stuff.
- Throughout the stream, chat keeps demanding that Jon's Space Romans pursue closer relations with their arthropod and Mighty Ducks neighbors, with the hashtags #sexthebugs, #sextheducks, #sexthedreadnought, etc. Things come to a head when the federation fleets assemble.
- Some Mighty Ducks immigrants settle an ocean world Jon names Pondpeii. Then an asteroid appears on a collision course with the planet, threatening it with a fiery cataclysm.Claire: How... appropriate.
- After a series of liberation wars to expand his borders, Jon gets to belatedly build mining stations so he can properly exploit all his new territory.Jon: Just build mining stations, everyone build mining stations everywhere, because I kind of forgot mining stations were a thing, I forgot the empire expanded. Which it did-
Claire: (disapproving sigh)
Jon: -quite significantly, that is not my fault! That is not my fault, the empire expanded while I wasn't-
Claire: How? How is it not your fault?
Jon: I wasn't looking!
- Jon gets spooked when a Fallen Empire declares war on a younger star nation, and isn't much reassured when chat explains that this isn't the same as it properly becoming an Awakened Empire.Jon: Okay, they haven't woken up properly, but they're starting to stir. The alarm clock's gone off, and basically they've decided to destroy that alarm clock, but, they might hopefully hit the snooze button afterward. Basically, we're praying that they're going to hit the snooze button.
- Jon insists that unlike other empires, he's not enslaving the galaxy.Jon: Vassalage, it's vassalage.
Claire: Oh, I see.
Jon: Remember, the people we're bringing into our empire kind of actually specifically came to us saying "Please, for the love of God, we want to be your vassal, please enslave us. Here are our wrists, they don't feel heavy enough right now."
- Jon's really pumped about putting Xeno Zoo structures on planets with the "Alien Pets" tile resource.Jon: Xe-no Zoo! Xe-no Zoo! Xe-no Zoo!
Claire: I mean, are you sure you couldn't maybe prioritize something else-
Jon: Xe. No. Zoo.
- "You know that empire we bombed into the Stone Age and went and took half their empire off them? They've become more xenophobic. Yeah, I feel like in some ways we might have been responsible for that..."
- Jon's plan for his new ground army is to use cloning technology to splice Tabby with a Mushroom Man, creating legions of "the most terrifying creature in the universe."Jon: They shall go down onto the planet, and roll over and pretend they're super-cute and want them to tickle their tummy, and then the people on the planet will go to tickle their tummy and then YAH! Then out come the claws! And also the mushrooms! 'cause God only knows what madness we've created here. Oh God, Claire, science has gone too far!
Claire: I Warned You!
- A call from the Riggan Commerce Exchange has Jon cooing and laughing at the species◊ that greets him.Claire: Their leader's like, "You're being really insensitive right now-"
Jon: "We're not cute, we're terrifying. I'm a serious businessman."
- Jon thinks a newly-formed sector of systems looks like an inverted foot. Claire thinks it looks like... something else.
- Jon's helpless army transports manage to get into trouble by outpacing their escorts.Jon: Remember how we cloned Tabby an awful, awful lot and then sent them into a warzone and I promised you everything was going to be fine?
Claire: Is she alone in a warzone, Jon?
Jon: She's not alone, because we cloned her many times!
- Jon's able to use emergency FTL to get the Tabbies out, but Claire isn't reassured.Claire: Have you not read ANY science fiction?! She's dead! She's dead, she's embedded in a piece of mountain somewhere!
Jon: We don't-
Claire: What kind of a noob are you?!
Jon: It was our only option! So Tabby is somewhere-
Claire: You cannot go between without a point of reference!
Jon: Tabby is somewhere, Tabby is somewhere in the galaxy-
Claire: This flies in the face of fifty years of science fiction history!
Jon: According to our scientists, she may show up in about five months.
- Claire asks Jon if he wants to give a Rousing Speech as he prepares to join the War in Heaven.
- Adding more systems to the Foot Penis Sector changes its borders enough that Jon has to rename it the Foot Alien Penis Sector.
- Jon's opinion of a subterranean civilization beneath one of his colonies takes a turn for the worse when he's not even given the option to turn down their demand that he return some refugees escaping religious persecution. This is followed by a request for aid during a "famine" that takes the form of energy credits rather than food, a gift of minerals that presumably came from a work camp, and finally a request for advanced military technology. Jon goes along with all of it, but isn't happy about the consequences.Jon: I've just given away thirty percent of the entire empire's Engineering capabilities for ten years in order to arm genocidal maniacs!
Claire: Well done, Jon!
Jon: Why didn't you stop me?!
Claire: I tried!
- To provoke the Holy Guardian Snails into attacking, Jon settles one of their holy planets, names the colony Escargone, and renames the star system Salty.
- Stellaris is a game where a mis-click can have lasting, severe consequences.Jon: Oh shit. I meant to turn the Population Controls off, but I turned them on.
Claire: Did you do the same thing where you were like "Oh, they'll have rights to go into - wait, no, we'll have to wait ten years-"
Jon: No, this is worse, this is - last time I just said "you can't join senior ranks of the army," now I've said "you can't have sex. For ten years."
Claire: Ten years, Jon?!
Jon: I didn't mean to do that!
Claire: And you can't change it-
Jon: I can't change it back! I can in ten years!
Claire: Flip's sake, Jon...
Jon: What I'm going to do immediately is I'm going to start building defensive armies, because I think that's going to cause problems...
- Jon isn't impressed with a species of pre-sentients he could uplift because of their Gaia World Preference.Jon: These guys I honestly feel like we should basically move in and eradicate them... we probably shouldn't because we're like, you know, xenophiles or something, but... you know.
- Jon misplaces his transports so that his army of clone Tabbies gets torn apart by an enemy fleet, and begs his viewers not to tell Claire while she's away from the stream. Apparently she got something like 14 messages from fans snitching on Jon.
- In honor of the sacrfice of the dreadnought Benor, Jon names a newly-conquered planet after it/him.Jon: He actually died literally over here, fighting for our freedom. And when I say "fighting for our freedom," I mean, like, not really for our freedom, because we - actually, we didn't start this war, we got pulled into it by an idiot ally. But like kind of, kind of our freedom. He kind of died for our freedom.
- Jon selects the "Total Victory" war goal when attacking one of the Awakened Empires, and is shocked to find afterward that the defeated empire's planets are now completely empty.Jon: ...Okay, everyone's dead. I think I killed literally everyone, there's, like... we didn't show it, but I guess the implication is we basically murdered everyone.
- He's later delighted to see some of the Awakened Empire's species on one of his Tomb Worlds.Jon: Yes! It's not genocide! Not geno-cide! Not geno-cide! It's just "endangered species!" Really endangered! [...] At worst, at worst, it's attempted genocide!
Stream Chat Comment: No longer will you be remembered as history's greatest monster for curtailing the reproductive rights of snails.
- When Claire returns for the next stream, Jon assures her that the army of Tabby clones went off to a farm planet with no space phones, but they're really happy "'cause there's no loud noises and they don't explode."
- After a sad story from one viewer about their dead dog, Jon offers to name planets after stream viewers' lost pets. He gets a larger response than expected.Claire: Ah, yeah, and just so you know, we've got planets Agatha, Zorro and Otis-
Jon: We're running out of planets.
Claire: You asked them! Everybody loves their dogs!
Jon: I didn't assume that many dogs would be dead! I assumed less dogs would be dead, I didn't-
Jon: -I had an optimistic - now is not the time to be grammatically-correct, Claire! We've got dead dogs, you monster!
- One of the federation ships is being driven by Claire.
- The finale of the playthrough has his Space Romans-led federation assembling to counterattack the Unbidden invasion. Before the first battle Jon has a heartwarming Rousing Speech where he points out how all the races of the galaxy have come together to defend it, even the ones his empire has bad history with. And then, just before the second battle, one of his federation allies wins the pointless war against an innocent rump state he started solely to get his federation mobilized and following his main fleet, resulting in everyone else ditching his force to go home. His pre-battle speech when he's forced to solo the endgame crisis is quite different.Jon: I've got a new speech to make: Romans! About, maybe, a month or two ago, I gave a big speech about how the galaxy was all united together against the threat of the Unbidden. Well everyone else pissed off, um, because the fake war I set up in order to actually force everyone, to kind of trick them into fighting together, ah, that was actually won, accidentally, because the bloody Kheilzakkans with their stupid tentacles - yeah, the tentacle-heads, we'll call them the tentacle-heads from now on - yeah, I said it, I said tentacle-heads - they just won the war, and everyone pissed off because they can't be bothered to fight the extradimensional invaders. So I guess we're just gonna have to win this war by ourselves. Because Rome doesn't need friends! Screw xenophilia! Screw all the stuff I was saying in the previous speech! Now we're just going to go win by ourselves! So let's just go and do that, because in the end, you cannot trust the faithless xeno. Let that be the rallying cry across our empire! You can't trust the faithless cocking xeno!
- Then he has to make a third speech after noticing, despite his xenophobic rant, that his grand fleet has an alien admiral, and his scientists and governors all belong to various other species.Jon: Space Rome may stand alone here today, the other empires may not have show up, but Space Rome itself is a huge, massive, multicultural society featuring every type of robot, person, plant, fungoid, mollusc, bird, mammal... are birds mammals?
Jon: Are you sure? AND mushrooms! Let us never forget the mushrooms!
- Jon's Stellaris: Apocalypse empire is the Tenets of Tabby, a spiritualist-egalitarian-xenophile star nation with the Syncretic Evolution civic. So the dominant race are feline Tabbies, wise but sedentary, served by human quote-unquote helpers, who "produce food so that Tabby can eat, and money so that Tabby can have the things she needs, which basically summarizes my and Claire's relationship with Tabby."Jon: They don't, you know, get paid, and they have to work in the mines, ah, or they'll get whipped by the Tabbies-
Claire: They're happy to work in the mines. The Tabbies don't have to do any whipping.
Jon: Exactly. They do occasionally scratch, a little bit.
Claire: They bat, without claws.
Jon: They occasionally forget they had their claws out.
- When the campaign properly starts, it turns out Jon's first neighbors are potentially problematic.Jon: Hello, who exactly are... they've got "Destroyers" in the name. That is never a good sign. Fanatical purifying plants. "Quake in fear, alien scum, for your doom approaches..." I'm going to tell them that "love is friendship set to music."
- "I probably shouldn't annoy them... I think I need to, yeah, neighboring empires, as soon as I'm neighboring, I can declare them Rivals, which means bonus Influence, which I can use to potentially out-expand them, which could be useful, and I'm not sure they can declare me Rivals in return because they don't do diplomacy, also, I'm scared of a cocking cabbage."
- Jon's baffled when his empire's first election somehow results in a non-citizen becoming leader of the Tenets of Tabby.Jon: I tried to bar humans from holding high office and one's become the cocking cat-pope. The pontifex feles is a human. Something's gone horribly wrong here!
- "They're slightly terrifying, ugly, bearded bird people - oh wait, sorry, the mic was on? Uh oh."
- Between the Fanatical Purifying cabbages and a distant race of Slaving Despot cactus people, Jon can only conclude that "plants are dicks." He's also tickled when it turns out the cabbage leader has picked up the "Substance Abuser" trait.Jon: I suppose that raises the question, what substance? I mean logically, do plants grind up little bits of humans and smoke them? Could that be a thing?
- Jon decides the cabbages need to go, but doesn't raise any armies during his build-up to war, and doesn't notice his empire's energy deficit while preparing. So as soon as hostilities are initiated, he has to go begging his allies for assistance.Jon: Hello, so, that war we just started, um, I desperately need energy, otherwise I can't actually continue it. Any chance we can do a trade?
YouTube comment: Did Jon just start an invasion with 0 energy and no armies? I'm not surprised, yet I am disappointed.
- The "-1 Perception" strikes again when Jon decides he doesn't want to pen in his neighbor with an outpost claiming a star system for his empire, completely fails to see the "Dismantle" button next to his cursor, and ends up selling the system for significantly less than the cost of building the outpost in the first place.
- "So remember that direction we were expanding in toward the south? Um, the XT-489 Eliminators empire has just been in touch. I'm gonna guess, they don't want to say 'Hello, we are friendly can-openers, do you have any cans that need opening?' ...No. No, it turns out they're a Rogue Defense System of terrifying robot angel murder-demons. 'Organic vermin detected, your infestation of this galaxy cannot be allowed to continue.' Love is friendship set to music, XT-489!"
- As Jon meets more empires on the far side of the galaxy, he comes to an unfortunate conclusion:Jon: Our once-utopian dream, that everyone could all be nice, and get on with each other, and not, like, murder each other, has unfortunately gone wrong. Because we've realized that the galaxy has a south, and the south is full of dicks. Horrible, horrible dicks, and killbots, and slavers, and generally bad people.
- Then problems arise close to home, where Jon turning down repeated requests to join a war with a neighbor he signed a defensive pact with utterly destroys their relationship, turning them hostile.Jon: Have you guys calmed down, by the way? How are you guys doing, because you ought to calm d- (reads tooltip) It's gonna take... two hundred and forty-eight years for them to get over this. Or rather, just to get back to zero, it's going to take a hundred and seventy-seven years. Great, just great. Just because the game kind of bugged out and they kept sending me the same request over and over - basically, they spammed me, and they're annoyed that I put it in the "junk" folder, alright, that's what we're probably going to end up going to war over, the fact that I marked their mail as spam.
- In response, Jon makes plans for violent expansion, and soon the galactic north settles into two allied blocs with claims on each other's territory, waiting for a truce to expire so war can begin.Jon: Basically, I'm talking about triggering a massive war across the entire north of the galaxy, out of some vague desire to hold a small cluster of largely-unimportant mining systems, but screw it, that sounds kind of fun!
- Jon gets annoyed when he has to reposition his fleets due to pirates overwhelming a starbase he thought would be strong enough to repel them.YouTube comment: It's almost as if it would have been a better idea to spec your big main border fortress into something with a lot of guns and defences, as opposed to essentially a giant shipyard.
- "The Spectral Wraith is dangerously close to our territory right now, but it's just wandering away, doesn't appear to be attacking us..." (zooms in camera) "It's just a giant, space, jellyfish, octopus, thing and it generally makes my skin crawl and I don't want to look at it anymore."
- Jon tells an occupied starbase in the midst of enemy territory to build defensive platforms, "not because it's really strategically useful, but because it's funny."
- Jon has to break his defensive pact with the rhino-turtles because he doesn't want to get drawn into a war, but still wants to maintain good relations with them... or does he?Jon: I'm happy to form a non-aggression pact with you, alright, I'm not interested in war with you guys anytime imminently - well, maybe I am... Hmmm. Hmmm. Am I interested in war with them?
- Battleships are important, because they lead to Titans, which in turn leads to the Colossus Project...Jon: ...and I want the Colossus Project, dammit. 'cause let's just say, some of these worlds down here, I don't really want them. I'd like them to not be there, but I don't want to bother managing them myself. So! Just in theory, if they were to explode from some form of planet-cracker, that no one could ever prove was sent by me, 'cause there'd be no witnesses left, that could work! That could work nicely!
- Jon doesn't immediately accept an invitation to a federation, since he's not done conquering, plus he might want to form his own federation, "with blackjack, and starfish hookers."
- A Great Khan arises to change the course of galactic history, but Jon can't read the Khan's introduction without snickering about the Slerpanor Horde.
- When choosing which candidate to pick as his army's general, the deciding factor for Jon is that "I like the fact that you're a cactus, like that strikes me as a good guy to lead from the front, a cactus."
- Jon starts salivating over some juicy unclaimed systems to the galactic west, with a Gateway he could reactivate to link them to his core territory, but remembers something.Jon: So I'm thinking, my empire's going to start spreading out - wait, hang on. Jon. Remember how we were just talking about the Great Khan, the massive, massive Great Khan army, that's clearly expanding in that direc- okay. We'll have to revisit whether that's a good idea or not.
- "And the dicks have become Xenophobic. Well what a surprise, xenophobic slavers in the south of the galaxy, who would have guessed?"
- As his rivals fragment and his empire continues to grow, burgeoning federations get very friendly toward the Tenets of Tabby.Jon: Oh my goodness, it's like being the hottest girl in high school. Suddenly, everyone is begging me to join their league. Nonononono, I'm playing the field boys, I'll get to you later tonight, chill out.
- Activating one of his Gateways will be hugely expensive, and of negligible tactical benefit.
- Since Jon decides to attack the rhino-turtles while they're busy invading the neighboring ducks, Jon finds himself also declaring war on the ducks just so he can fight the rhino-turtles occupying duck space.
- Once the war on the western side of his empire is wrapped up, Jon starts putting down claims against the molluscoids to his east.Jon: So that's a good bunch of claims in immediately, but because of the claims, they're going to start hating us more - (opens diplomacy screen) - yeah, they're actively Hostile. "Tabby people emit an aura of unpleasantness," aww, that's not true! Aww, I feel bad I let down my starfish friends, but I kind of want all their territory and their megastructure for my own.
- "Right, time to get this done... aww, you're so cute and I'm so sorry about this. [...] 'How can you hope to defeat us when the Spirits themselves are on our side?' Look, I'm Spiritualist too - oh, this is a religious war. That's a concern."
- It's only after he's occupied a dozen systems that Jon remembers that he left his transport fleet, and the armies necessary to conquer the inhabited planets in those system, on the other side of his empire.Jon: Okay... so my transport fleet's over there. So, it shouldn't be over there, the transport fleet should instead be over here, let's just bring the transports- It's fine. Everything's fine because it's got Hyperdrive III, alright? It's not as slow as you think it's going to be.
- "I'd say that's enough for now, we will wrap up the first stage of the war against those bastard, treacherous starfish that did whatever it was they did to cause me to betray them..."
- In the wake of his latest round of warmongering, the other star nations of the galaxy begin signing non-aggression pacts with one another, while the starfish people manage to bring the Space Romans into their federation.Jon: Why is everyone like I'm the galaxy's bad guy right now? Just because I invaded the adorable starfish people worlds?
YouTube comment: Jon: Invades adorable starfish without provocation in an otherwise calm and peaceful part of the galaxy for massive territory gain. Also Jon: "Why is everyone afraid of me??"
- Highlights of another land-grab war against the rhino-turtles include Jon neglecting to hire an admiral for one of his fleets, letting his transports and science ships get ahead of his armada, and him "invading" a planet he'd already taken and occupied. The kicker is that the whole conflict was a failed attempt to get close enough to some Evangelizing Zealots that they'd want to form a federation with him, except the Tabbies had an enclave on their borders before the start of the war.
- At the start of the next episode, Jon's interrupted by the Fafossan Hegemony declaring war on the Polity of Hullfax, which prompts a change of plans.Jon: Actually, I was about to attack them. Oh flip, can I not demand... balls. Right, so I just missed my chance, because I was doing the intro, to actually flipping vassalize those guys, because now they're no longer at peace. So that's just marvelous. Right, well, I guess that means I'm going up against the federation sooner than I was planning.
- In the war that follows, Jon makes the tactically questionable decision to send his unarmed troop transports into an unsecured system.Jon: Okay, mild miscalculation on my part, I kinda forgot about the fact that there's [defensive] platforms in the way, yes, okay. It's fine, everything's under control, I know what I'm doing probably.
- One of Jon's former empires has a rough run this time around, so that at one point the Mighty Ducks have fractured into the Infinite Pond, the Mighty Ducks Confederation, the High Kingdom of Duckburg, the Mighty Ducks Alliance, United The Mighty Ducks Nations, and Unified The Mighty Ducks Worlds.
- The killbots send an insult mocking the Tabbies for lacking "integrated multi-spanners or pneumatic flesh lacerators" on their appendages.Jon: Actually, Tabby does have automatic flesh lacerators, they're called claws and they're quite effective when she decides she doesn't want to be petted.
- Part 19 is titled "The Betrayal" because, after Jon's spent much of the game trying to form a federation with the Raxar, they instead form one with Jon's old enemies the Othari, who vote down any attempt for him to join too. When Jon tries to "love-bomb" the Othari with favorable trade deals, he has a distressing realization.Jon: Why didn't I just do this to the Raxar?! I could have just love-bombed the Raxar with gifts this whole time! I could have done that at any point! Oh god... okay.
YouTube comment: And thus, Jon realized that diplomacy (beyond invading and eating up territory and vassals) is a thing in Stellaris.
- Jon starts the next episode heartbroken that everyone's forming federations, but "no one wants to go to the prom with me, so that's all a bit embarrassing. I was supposed to go to prom with the Raxar, but they bloody asked out Susan Othari over here! I hate Susan Othari, and she hates me!" Fortunately he has a plan: conquer the Othari so that the Raxar's federation dissolves, leaving them free to go to prom with - er, form a federation with him instead.
- After declaring war on the Othari and by extension the Raxar, Jon points out that the Raxar aren't as mad as they could be in the situation.Jon: I think this plan might actually flipping work! Alright, this is not as stupid a plan as you probably think it is. It's a bit stupid, but it's not that bad.
- Unfortunately, Jon is outraged when the newly-single Raxar immediately "jump into bed with" one of the Mighty Ducks successor states with federation association status.
- Jon still wants a Colossus, but he doesn't immediately take the Ascension Perk to unlock them.Jon: I'm trying to pretend to the Raxar I'm nice, until I can get them locked into marriage, then I can reveal I had a Death Star all along.
- While looking for Gateways to add to his burgeoning portal network, Jon spots one within the Fafossan Hegemony.Jon: Now, technically, I've got no argument with them, and I never have. But, they do have a thing I want, like, really want. So does that make it theoretically okay for me to go and murder them for it? (checks diplomacy) Who are they in a defensive - oh. They're in a defensive pact with me. And they're also actually pretty much the only empire I'm friends with.
- Jon notices he's automatically dissembling the killbots he's finishing off, but assures us with the episode title that it's "Technically Not Genocide."Jon: Disassembly is not genocide. No matter what the robots tell you, okay, self-determination is just a malfunction, alright?
- "Is it weird or wrong or cruel to make a plant creature do the farming?"
- Jon showers the Raxar with minerals, sensor links and research agreements to try to get their attitude towards Neutral at least, so that all he needs to do is reduce his Threat rating to make them like him. Then he looks at his other neighbors and plans the order in which to conquer them.
- Thanks to the Stellarite Devourer's post-defeat research project, Jon's able to claim a system with a whopping seven habitable worlds. Unfortunately the first one he settles turns out to have the "Abandoned Terraforming Equipment" planet event, and he gets the result that turns the atmosphere toxic, killing the burgeoning colony. By the next episode the planet's renamed Move Along, Nothing to See Here.
- Jon decides to reduce the Threat he's creating in his neighbor's eyes by, rather than outright conquering his neighbors, forcing them to become his vassals instead. Afterward, he discovers that yes, you still generate Threat by vassalizing unwilling empires, and the Raxar now hate him enough to break off their newly-signed non-aggression pact.Jon: This is not war, this is liberation! That's the word, I'm liberating you!
YouTube comment: Jon is one Texan accent away from being George W. Bush.
- Jon checks the victory conditions and finds that he's 2/3rds of the way to a Domination Victory, even though he was hoping for a Federation Victory.Jon: I mean, I don't really want to, like, dominate the galaxy, that's not really what we set out to do. That's not what we're really about, we're xenophiles, we're spiritualist xenophiles, it's about peace and friendship and understanding and stop looking at me funny or I WILL invade you!
- Jon decides to launch a blitzkrieg on a nearby Fallen Empire to steal their worlds and technology, which is sure to catch them by surprise.Jon: They won't see this coming, in fact they like me, they think I'm great! "The Tenets of Tabby is always a great contributor to the magnificent medley of the galaxy." (beat) These are literally the only guys in the galaxy that like me, aren't they? ...Oh. I feel bad. (beat) Not bad enough to not invade and enslave- no, not enslave! There's no enslavement! We're going to integrate them! Integrate. It's going to be lovely.
- Jon is dubious of a merchant guild's "Mutagen Crystals," but likes the sound of increased governing ethics attraction. Then he hits the "No deal" response instead of accepting the trade.
- When the materialist Fallen Empire decides to Awaken, Jon envisions a scenario in which the Spiritualist Fallen Empire does the same to start a War in Heaven, and then he and the also-Spiritualist Raxar side with the Doctrinal Enforcers.Jon: This could be how we get the Raxar to the prom. In a kind of shotgun wedding where both of us are forced to go to prom by our Spiritualist hydra-dad.
- By "A Prom Date With Destiny," Jon has to admit that him and the Raxar aren't likely to happen, and decides that he's done trying to woo his fellow Spiritualists. Then the Raxar join another federation.Jon: They just joined up with the Romans! That's... okay! I, I know I just said I was cool with the fact that I'm not going to the prom with them, but they can't go with the Romans! The Romans are kind of like my ex from my former playthrough... okay that's, that not acceptable, that's... oh no, that's not cool, aww... And also, could you guys please be different colors, it's kind of annoying you're- right, so remember how we went and killed the Othari to break the Raxar out of a federation at one point? I think we might have to go and do that again.
- When managing his newly-conquered worlds, Jon's horrified to discover that a planet's previous owner built a fortress over a tile with the Alien Pets rare resource.Jon: Okay, I am truly your liberator, 'cause I have come in, and I have liberated the Alien Pets. So seriously, I've done you all a favor, you're welcome.
- Despite everything, Jon ends the episode musing that there might be a way for him and the Raxar to patch things up.Jon: Maybe there's a way back for me and the Raxar. Maybe it doesn't have to end with me building a Death Star and murdering all of them on prom night. I don't know. "Prom night" might, y'know, come to have a much darker meaning as time goes by...
- When the War in Heaven finally kicks off, Jon sides with one of the Awakened Empires, but the Raxar end up leading the League of Non-Aligned Systems.Jon: You know, seeing all this happen, it actually, genuinely makes me quite sad. Like, me and the Raxar could have been friends. If I had been in a federation with the Raxar, me and them could have led the League of Non-Aligned Systems together. We could have saved the galaxy. We could have just absolutely smacked down the Grollferp. We could have utterly laid the smackdown on the Athallids, alright? It would have been easy. But no! You had to want to go to prom with literally everybody but me! And this is what happens! Now you're dead!
- Jon gets sad when he invades the Brightest Quack, and gives a forlorn little "woo-oo" when his fleet arrives over Duckburg.Jon: And this is gonna be the end - I'm so sorry. Guys, when I started this playthrough, I had dreams of like running into my previous playthroughs, and all of us joining the same mega-alliance and stuff. But it hasn't really worked out that way...
- Jon's a little wary when he breaches the Shroud and encounters something called the Composer of Strands, offering a pact to improve his population, with the warning that there will be an unspecified price to pay.Jon: Okay... what's the- eh, screw it, go on!
- After the completion of the Pax Tabitha, his Tabby's Claw-class Colossus, Jon decides to test his new planet-cracker on a world held by the Provalguvor.Jon: I mean, who is actually going to care if I fire a Death Star at some mushrooms? They're mushrooms, we eat them with pasta, it's fine.
- "Um, yeah, Rome? So, good news and bad news. Uh, the good news is, I'm actually about the resettle Rome itself and the eternal fire will be relit. Bad news is, you're not actually going to be around to, um, to see it..."
- The first planet Jon cracked was inhabited by nothing but a single Pop of Droids, and he actually passes on the chance to destroy another Provalguvor world because it's completely undeveloped "and that would make me look like the bad guys." His next target turns out to be fully-populated, well-developed planet, and he admits that it's a "bit of a harder sell."Jon: But again, we fall back on the story: they're just mushrooms. Are mushrooms really people? No! Of course not, they're mushrooms, they're delicious with garlic.
Jon: Ahh, that's right, that's right, just slap some garlic on 'em and put 'em on the grill, flipping delicious as an appetizer. Ahh, yum yum yum.
- The climax of the episode, and perhaps the whole series, is when Jon's fleet arrives over the Raxar capital.Jon: Guys... it's prom night. We could have been wonderful together, Raxar. We could have been amazing. We could have been a federation that saved and ruled the galaxy, fairly, as Spiritualist Xenophiles, but no. No, you just weren't willing to, were you? You had to be all "Oh, I don't like the fact that you invade everyone, constantly!" Well, this is what happens when you complain about me invading everyone, what happens is, I send the cocking Death Star in!
Jon: (happy sigh) It's been a good prom...
- One YouTuber comments that "Only Jon could take a 4X strategy game in space and make it a dating sim."
- Jon's irritated that he's fighting on the side of the rhino-turtles and, due to the claims system, conquering systems for them. So he makes sure to use the planet-cracker on any habitable worlds in those systems, leaving the rhino-turtles with nothing but space and stations.
- When the Raxar are down to their last planet, Jon feels a moment of disquiet.Jon: I'm feeling a slight sensation of guilt right now, because I did, slightly, Death Star their homeworld and all of that. And maybe... maybe I didn't need to do that. Maybe, in fact, I could have, like, not done that, and been friends with them, like when they wanted to be originally. Maybe, like, when I was bombarding like literally this entire side of the galaxy, I could have... not done that? And then maybe they would have come 'round. And if I gave them some nice why do I have a Tomb World?
- Since Jon's advancing his borders along the galaxy's edges, he decides it looks like his empire is giving the galaxy "a great big hug."Jon: If you wanted a less friendly analogy, as my symbol is literally a claw, you could say I've got my claws kind of dug into the galaxy, but I prefer the hug analogy.
- Planet-crackers plus "-1 Perception" equals Jon taking ten minutes to realize that he hasn't conquered a system yet because...Jon: We blew up the wrong planet! (hysterical laughter) I blew up the wrong world! I blew up that one and that's... [...] Okay, Rule #1 of having a Death Star: before you fire it, make sure you're aiming it at a planet you actually want to destroy, and not the planet next door.
- When Jon cracks the last Raxar planet, he realizes the optics aren't good.Jon: That's, that's Death Star genocide. That's gonna be a hard sell for the PR guys... that's really gonna be a hard sell...
- In the aftermath of the War in Heaven, Jon checks the other empires' diplomatic modifiers towards him and has an unwelcome realization:Jon: Strangely, some of these guys would actually, potentially be coming around to like me if I didn't have a Death Star. Some of these guys are like -400 but I've got a -495 off the Death Star, so... if I'd never built the Death Star, some of these guys would actually want to be my friends. I feel like there's a moral message in here, but I can't quite figure it out...
- Jon decides there's too much rhino-turtle space where his borders ought to be, moves his fleets into position, and contacts the Fex'Klanga.Jon: "How little you must accomplish in your chaotic, unstructured..." Okay, that's not cool (hits "Declare War"), they're the ones who started this, so, "Total War (Colossus)"...
- When considering what to do with a rhino-turtle planet, Jon sees that it's currently undergoing a slave uprising and decides he's doing them a favor by destroying it.YouTube comment: (Enslaved people rising up against their masters)
Oh good, maybe those mighty egalitarian guys will save us
(A Colossus warps into orbit)
- After wiping out a Marauder enclave within his borders, Jon receives a message from the remnants promising vengeance, but gets distracted cooing over how adorable the alien is while retracting into its leafy shell.
- Jon's plans are derailed when literally the entire galaxy wants to declare a War of Independence against the Athallid Enforcers. He joins in, but urges restraint, because he wants the Athallid around to help with the end-game crisis... but he doesn't alter his tactics either.YouTube comment: Jon: guys, we need the Athalid around!
Also Jon: deploy the Death Star on the Athalid!
- A glitch where graphics from the system view show up on the galactic map forces Jon to explain that despite his past actions, "I didn't blow up an entire section of the galaxy, it's just a visual bug, let's just look elsewhere."
- Jon's mystified when his fleet decides to use their Jump Drives mid-battle to hop to a distant system, throwing a wrench in his deployment plans.
- The war against the Athallid is derailed when Jon detects a galactic power surge, and the Unbidden arrive in the galaxy. More specifically, in...Jon: It's in Belgium! The cocking Belgians...
- Jon's doubly-irritated when the war of independence ends and it turns out he was fighting for another empire's independence, leaving him an Athallid client state whom the Athallid aren't actually that interested in defending against the Unbidden.Jon: By the way, if you guys would like to get involved, it would be marvelous if you decided you wanted to do that, okay? That would just be great right now, because there is actually the end of the universe happening, so if you guys would, like, get involved, I'd really appreciate it!
- A random insult from the Avabbian Star Combine provokes a confused "Who?"Jon: Oh, right, it's the pen people, I think. So they've decided now is the time to start swearing at me, when I'm literally trying to save the cocking galaxy.
- After the tide turns against the Unbidden and Jon gathers his forces for the final assault, he reminesces over his fleet's history, like General Security Fleet, Salvaged Fleet...Jon: ...together with - oh, Fleet 23! Who could ever forget classic Fleet 23?
- "We have destroyed the portal to Belgium! Never again will the bastard Beligans be able to threaten the galaxy! [...] 'The Tenets of Tabby have won much admiration,' is it going to be enough to offset the whole Death Star business? Because I'm not sure it actually is."
- Jon discovers that he can just request independence from his Awakened Empire overlord, but due to diplomatic modifiers...Jon: Any chance that I could... (mouses over "Cracked Our World: -3943") Probably they're not going to go for it.
- Jon starts reverse-engineering the Awakened Empire's "Global Pacifier" Colossus weapon as part of his rebranding initiative.Jon: Now, if I'm going to become the good guys of the galaxy - and I am - then my Death Star needs to stop blowing up planets, and instead just encase them in an impenetrable shield forever, which is better, definitely better.
- After Jon wins a Domination Victory, he shares an unorthodox strategy with his viewers.Jon: Because of course there's two ways to have 40% of all habitable planets: one, you actually take over 4/10ths of the galaxy, or two, have whatever percentage of the galaxy you do actually own, and then follow that up by blowing up all the other habitable planets, because eventually, you'll be up to 40% of the total! It's not exactly a good strategy, but it works.
- "In the end, I think we can all agree, that I was the good guys. Because I saved the galaxy from the Unbidden. So whatever else was done, at various points, the thing to remember is: I saved the galaxy from Belgium. Alright? That, that there, that's the bit that matters."
- Jon decides to experience the new expansion not as a regular Mega-Corp, but as the Owlmerta Syndicate, an avian criminal syndicate run by a "Pirate King."Jon: I've realized something, ladies and gentlemen, which is: every time I play Stellaris, I say "Okay, this time I'm going to play the good guys and not blatantly evil." And then, a couple of decades later, I'm the most evil bastard in the galaxy. So how about on this occasion, we get slightly ahead of the curve and just admit ahead of time, "Yeah, I'm probably just the bad guy, aren't I?"
- The first thing Jon does after meeting his neighboring plant people is set up some Underground Clubs in their capital, bringing them the gift of music.Jon: So I just snuck onto their planet at night, and set up an illegal rave, and they flippin' love it, alright? It is banging. With plants, every night. I'm not sure how plants at a rave works, precisely. Haven't been there myself. But I'm told the atmosphere there is incredible.
- "First, let's just get this place scanned, and expand into it. Because while I wouldn't say that my empire looks entirely like a penis right now, it also doesn't look unlike a penis, so... just in case, I would like to change the shape of my empire as quickly as possible, so it stops looking like that."
- Due to the fact that his Agri World may indeed grow corn, and in response to requests from the comments setion, Jon decides to rename his second colony from Abundance to Cornwall.
- In Part 3, Jon discusses how megacorps get penalties that restrict how easily they can expand, and explains how in general, it's harder to play wide in version 2.2. Then he races his neighbors to claim a string of systems so he won't get penned-in and has access to the galactic rim.
- Naturally, Jon gets the "dimension of suffering" event shortly after settling Cornwall.Jon: I feel like maybe we should just close the portal? Like, our scientists have come to me and said "We've discovered a dimension of suffering, and it's located directly above our breadbasket, farming world." Maybe we should just, like, close that, that's probably the safest thing to do, right?
YouTube comment: (Hellish portal opens over Cornwall) King Connor, what did you do?
- When sending an Insult to a rival empire, Jon's disappointed that it's more eloquent than personal.Jon: Can we at least have said something about the tentacles?
- "Also, perhaps worryingly, the Curators flagged this system up here as something of interest, without specifying what. But I can't help but notice that the Ganvius have not gone and colonized that sector, so I'm guessing that by 'of interest,' you mean 'oh god it's eating all our ships right now.' Let's not worry about that just for the time being..."
- "Ooh, it's a mega-church! Fine, it's another megacorp except this time, yeah, it's more about converting everyone to Spiritualism, and would you believe they're actually Xenophiles so they can lure everyone into their church. Which is not going to work, because I'm sorry, but I find your neck really creepy, that's weird."
- Jon ends up having terrible luck when it comes to keeping his Science Ships alive given all the Leviathans nearby.Jon: Alright, recruit even more scientists, don't tell them what happened to the last scientists, now this time, please don't run into something that immediately murders you.
- His bad luck continues when another world in his newly-colonized Prosperity system develops rhythmic pulses that devastate the planet's ecology. But Jon tries to put a good spin on things.Jon: Meanwhile, the rhythmic pulses from the planet's core are, everyone agrees, pretty damn cool to dance to, so we've immediately started playing footage of the disaster in the plant dance clubs across Ganvius Prime.
- "Also, weirdly the Citizen League of Ela Gaan have decided to actually lock me out of their empire, which is very odd because we're at +18 [Opinion] and, yeah, me and them pretty much agree on... everything. So, I'm really not sure what they've got against me, but alright. Maybe it's just things with tentacles on their faces. 'cause like, the Uthonians have tentacles and they hate me too."
- When Jon does send a Science Ship over to that "of interest" system, sure enough, he finds another space monster sucking the life from a sun. And also sure enough...Jon: So, we probably want to, like, get out of there actual-
Jon: Nevermind. That is, what is that, the third Science Vessel that's exploded as the result of running into a Leviathan? I'm amazed people are still applying to this job!
- Since he learned about one pointy-eared species after finding a xenophage's list of most flavorful sentients, Jon always refers to the Fareen Combine as the "tasty elves."
- The xenophobic isolationist Maweer Caretakers greet Jon with "All we want is be left alone, is that such a difficult concept for a chicken to understand?"Jon: Ooooh you shouldn't have said the C-word! Now we're gonna bomb you at some point, and it's gonna be your own fault!
- In Part 5, Jon doesn't just claim a system five jumps away from his borders to keep the Ganvius from claiming a choice mining world, he also points out a chokepoint system for consideration if he wants to expand behind a Fallen Empire.YouTube comment: Jon: "I'll play a Megacorp, they specialise in playing tall!" Also Jon: "I'll lock down a system 25 jumps away to make sure I have plenty of room to expand into in the future!"
- Jon misses the planetary edict to make a world a more attractive host for the Galactic Market after nominating it for the role, and so shuffles a bunch of colonists back to his capital to increase the number of clerk jobs and thus trade value, even at the expense of the other aspects of his economy.Jon: That's right, everybody needs to be working as a clerk. Whatever a clerk is, exactly. Alright, you guys just work in generic business building, just show up at nine, sit in your cubicle, pretend to type if anyone alien is being shown around, and we are going to be the Galctic Market, alright?
- Jon's mystified when two xenophobic empires form the galaxy's first federation.Jon: Yeah, these guys are xenophobe militarists, and next door the Rontor are xenophobe spiritualists. And apparently, all they can agree on is, they want to be left alone. And they want to be left so much alone, they've created a federation so they can want to be left alone togther, and maybe they'll invite other people who just want to be left alone into it.
- Right when Jon's preparing to make the Gavinus a subsidiary, he gets the "Horizon Signal" event chain for the first time, and ends up exasperated by the constant interruptions.Jon: Okay, how many more people do I need to feed this black hole before it actually gives me something flipping useful?
- In Part 6, the Infinte Pond, delicious elves and some space dwarves form a federation of their own, but Jon doesn't approve of their red and black color scheme.Jon: It's not evil, it's Materialist, but like, when you pick those colors, you can understand how people would come to the assumption that you're evil.
- Jon does decide to claim the Aulderaan system to pen in the Uthonians, and promptly renames it Owlderaan.
- The Uzhab Vortex isn't just an important chokepoint to hold against the Qiramulan Union, it also "occasionally reads me love poetry and does a little dance for me or something, so you know, it's nice to have it."
- Jon does succeed in subjugating the Ganvius Bloc as his unwilling subsidiary, then discovers that they can't pay him much in the way of tribute.Jon: You see, the problem with actually making subsidiaries in war is, I suspect I've actually destroyed these guys' economy. So right now their power is Pathetic, and... how exactly are they planning to recover? I think they're in a bit of a death spiral...
- Jon sends the Foundling to investigate the "alien machine" anomaly, which results in an energy spike from a nearby star. Or in other words:Jon: I'm sending a Science Vessel that was spat out by a poetic black hole to go and investigate a system that has just been probably negatively impacted by me pulling a random lever. There's no way this is all going to go wrong!
- "There's more jobs than there are people. We need more actual people on this world to work our farms, so... we need to actually boost population. But I can't boost the population effectively right now because I don't actually have the, the food... to boost the population, without the population to grow the food ohhhhhhh bloody hell I've gone cross-eyed."
- In Part 7, Jon notices that the nearby Valdari Trading Coalition has Pathetic fleet power and technology compared to his syndicate, and so decides he'd be doing them a favor by making them a subsidiary of his megacorp.Jon: Don't think of this as conquest, think of this as... acquistion. Hostile acquisition, perhaps, but still acquisition, this is basically a promotion, alright? This is gonna work out brilliantly for you guys.
- "Okay, now, now that we've got enough energy coming in off our slaves - I mean partners, down south..."
- Jon continues to be baffled by the out-of-character Xenophobes on the other side of the galaxy.Jon: Do you actually seriously have a migration treaty? You're xenophobes! You are xenophobes, alright? I guess you band together with other xenophobes to stop people from encroaching on your space, but you can't possibly want a migration treaty with other aliens, when - oh, never bloody mind.
- With his subsidiaries secured, Jon goes to war with his other neighbors to redraw his borders, and in the process ends up having some moral dilemmas.Jon: Right, so Rontus officially belongs to us, and by the way... is that a, is that a colony ship? (beat) Now, in some ways, bombing a colony ship feels kind of evil, doesn't it? So that feels like something you, you shouldn't do - is about to try to warp out? I assume it's trying to flee, okay, we will not pursue a colony ship, that's innocent civilians. Rontus Prime, however, that is totally a legitimate war target. Ooh, you've got - ooh. Venus flytraps. Bomb them! Bomb them from orbit! They've got Venus flytraps, and there's more of them growing!
- On the other hand, Jon sees more of those plant aliens on the galactic slave market, and since they've got the Strong trait, they'd make good soldiers for his armies.Jon: And honestly, if you are on a planet, and an invading force of Venus flytraps showed up, you would not stand and fight, you would give the hell up at that point!
- Jon's excited to refurbish Fen Habbanis into his City Planet, but as its population continues to grow, he realizes he can't build any agricultural districts there to feed it.Jon: We saw that in the flavor text - the problem, and the reason this planet fell apart in the first place, was because food was desperately required to keep it going, and they couldn't provide it. (cheerily) And the same thing's about to happen to me!
- Part 9 is titled "Under the Knife" because Jon tries out gene-modding his empires' species to make them better at their jobs. Along with some "Ultimate Owl" warriors for his armies, Jon enhances his Romans into "Cunning Romans" to make them better researchers... then buys some more Romans from the galactic slave market and applies the default Roman gene template to all the Romans in his empire, undoing his progress.
- Jon decides to do a land-grab against the Qiramulan while they're already bogged down in a multi-front war, brings all his subsidiaries and allies in, and immediately runs into a problem when he warps into the first system he's trying to claim.Jon: Deploy the fleets and... I guess we technically can't actually take this territory, because... you guys [the Pellsimus Dynastic Union] have it right now. (beat) Um, yeah, what do we do about that, by the way? That's, that's gonna be a bit on the awkward side.
- The good news is, the Qiramulan's war with the Pellsimus ends, so Jon's able to properly attack and occupy the system another empire had previously attacked and occupied. The bad news is, this frees up the Qiramulan to focus all their military on squashing Jon's invasion force.Jon: Oh dear. I was kind of - okay guys, back out, back out for a second, we need to wait for reinforcements.
- One of his neighbor's planets has had a branch office for Jon's criminal syndicate set up for so long that it's got the "Criminal Underworld" modifier, lowering its Trade Value. Which is actually bad for Jon, because he's more interested in that Trade Value than his branch office buildings.Jon: Oh dear. Who knew that creating a massive illegal black market would have negative consequences?
- It takes a bit of a slog, but Jon and the Qiramulan eventually settle their war with a Status Quo, meaning Jon gets a new prime Agri World to shore up his chronic food shortage!Jon: Right, that war is over, but watch the food situation, because I'm hoping this will sort that out. Is this gonna sort this out? Aaand...
(a new month ticks over, and his monthly food production goes from -46 to -60)
Jon: It just got worse! Okay! So I'm guessing, this place just for the time being, is a little bit on the unhappy side, because of the - oh yeah, the Devastation. Yeah, that does make sense, there's quite a lot of Devastation right now, so right now you guys are... you're actually eating more food than you're producing. (beat) But, that's just for now! That's only for now, this is fine, as soon as that Devastation fades... which is gonna take a little bit of time to do, then, this will... this is gonna sort itself out, okay? This is going to be fine. This was a good idea for a war.
- "Now do I want to get monthly food output increased by ten percent, or... I'd rather have ten percent trade value to be oh bloody hell! We're almost at starvation! Right, maybe I should go for Dietary Enrichment. Yes, that would be a good idea, I'm really glad I spotted that, sorry that's probably been stressing some of you out."
- While subduing the Zik-Mok as his next subsidiary, Jon would like their worlds where he has branch offices to get high populations, so he can put down more buildings there. He just needs a way to encourage another empire's Pops to move around.Jon: And the way to artificially boost other people's planets up to 50 [population], is by causing trouble on their main planet. So, I've got a plan! Which is, if we bomb their main world into dust...
- To deal with his chronic economic problems, Jon decides to build as many Alloy Foundries as possible on Fen Habbanis.Jon: Then we can mass-produce even more Alloys, sell them, make even more money, use that money to buy more Minerals, virtuous cycle of infinite money that is definitely not going to lead to a galactic market crash at any point!
YouTube comment: Let's watch Jon play Stellaris: Economic Collapse and Mass Starvation.
- By Part 11, Jon has renamed his forge world "The Beast," because of the amount of times he's told himself he needs to "feed the beast."
- Jon is struggling to keep up with his booming population's various needs, which isn't helped by his habit of picking new species to add to his empire by liberating Pops from the galactic slave market.Jon: What I should really probably do is, just for a minute, stop buying more slaves. Aside from the fact that - ooh. We are a bit shy on consumer goods, if I bought just like one more slave - like, I can stop any time. I do not need to keep buying slaves, this is a choice that I make...
- Once again, a pirate outpost pops up to wreck Jon's trade routes while he's attacking another neighbor.Jon: Why does this always happen every time I go to war? And also, why did I not do the precise thing I mentioned last time, where I actually said "I'll leave a small force at home to deal with any problems that emerge?"
- Jon ends his war against the Pelisimus, but instead of achieving his war aim of making them a new subsidiary, he settles for "status quo" after occupying all their systems. The net result is that they get to keep their homeworld, while everything else becomes a subject of Jon's empire that copies his ethics and government. But he can't put down any branch office's in their territory, because...Jon: Oh no. Because you're literally me, you're actually a mega-corporation, aren't you? Balls! This means I accidentally turned them into a megacorp too, which means I can't actually plant any of my stuff on their systems! That's a shame. There were kind of enough megacorps in the galaxy, to be honest, we didn't need any more...
- In Part 12, due to the Worm's influence, the next colony Jon settles shows signs of previous habitation, and while he's wary, he also wants to see how the event chain plays out.Jon: Right. Who wants to work on Glacier, because we have just got jobs galore over here, including farmers! Who wants to work on the weird, supernatural Loop Farm, it's fine, it's definitely not a problem.
- "Like, is this potentially a colony that we ourselves built, or maybe like, we're currently building the colony that's gonna go back 'round to the... Time is Up, and Yes is Water, and all of that business."
- Jon starts a war with the Uthonians, but creating a new subsidiary is only a secondary objective. Instead, what he really wants is to get all his allies following his main fleet, so he can do something about the Voidspawn that has been camping the Prosperity system for the past eight episodes.Jon: Alright, guys? This is it, this is the moment we've all been waiting for. Aside from those of you who thought you were coming for a war with the Uthonians. Uh, you guys probably aren't expecting this, but it's actually why we were here, the whole time.
- Jon decides to give the new "Xeno-Compatability" Ascension Perk a try, because "I think it would be remiss of me not to take this one."Jon: This basically means, we've figured out a way to of making, like, the alien doodad fit in the other alien thingy-ma-jib, and actually produce children.
- Jon, a Criminal Syndicate, gets the "Smuggler Outpost" event chain on a primitive world he's observing.Jon: Oh dear, well we are certainly not keen on smugglers and criminals in our own empire - oh. Hang on.
- Admiral Jon versus the Voidspawn.Jon: Okay, stay back for the time being, stay back for the- (klaxon) Nevermind, we are engaging, we are engaging! [...] Why are you guys not engaged! Guys! Engage! Bloody hell, we're not actually engaging with our full fleet!
- "Yeah, go on then, we'll build a terrifying pyramid to the Worm, that's not weird at all."
- When going through with "The Messenger" event chain, Jon responds with an "I'm sorry, you did WHAT?!" when the pop-up gets to the part about a retrovirus transforming his population. But he decides to roll with it.Jon: (laughing) Y'know what? You only live once, let's do it! I'm a master of genetic engineering, if need be I can just change them back again. Right, what have I just done?
- Jon wonders why his energy credits income has crashed before realizing it's due to the costs of war.Jon: Oh, we're extremely dependent on the [alloys] trades I've made, and I've been spending too many alloys refreshing the fleet, so there's no alloys to actually sell. Ooh, that's, that's a problem. Yeah, yeah that's a major problem, actually. That should sort itself out next month, because now I do have enough alloys to meet my commitments, unless I don't have enough money to... purchase the minerals, that I need to sell that something something... I think we're okay. Probably. Yeah, I sold the alloys, but afterward I didn't have enough money to buy the minerals, but we've got a stockpile of minerals so, bloody hell the new economy is great!
- At the end of the "Worm in Waiting" event chain, which drastically alters Jon's home system, he realizes:Jon: So, is this now a - yep, that's now a black hole. So, again, if nobody told the Galactic Market station what was actually going on, we should really tell them, because they're probably really confused what's happened to the actual sun they were supposed to be floating around. Ohhhhh bloody hell...
- Jon's extremely reluctant to trust Stellaris' sector AI, but he does decide to follow the comments section's advice to cut down his administrative costs by making some of his colonies into vassals, and so he lets the planet Cornwall become independent, "and when I say 'free' I mean, y'know, a subjugated vassal. But free-er than they are right now." An hour later, when he checks on his Cornish subjects, he makes an unpleasant discovery.Jon: Happiness is currently at 4%, crime is at 22%... Okay, so as it turns out, they are completely incapable of governing themselves, great. [...] So you guys have basically entered a death spiral at this point, where something ran out, which led to a fall in stability, which led to... okay, so Cornwall's a failed state, I've basically just created a failed state inside the heart of my own empire, how's Glacier doing? Also a complete failed state, marvelous. So if you were one of the people in the comments who was encouraging me to get my admin cap down by creating vassals, I hope you're very proud of yourselves, because every dead Cornish person is on your conscience.
- With the "Gene Warriors" army unlocked, Jon declares that "there's no way this can go wrong, like I've seen so many films with genetically-enhanced super soldier programs, and the never go horribly wrong, it always works out just time." He does draw the line at gene-boosting the Venus flytraps, though.
- Jon wants to make amends for how the Tenets of Tabby brutalized the adorable starfish molluscoid species, so he tries to forcibly vassalize an empire that had been bullying similar aliens in his current game in Operation: Save the Adorable Starfish.Jon: I mean, that feels like the right thing to do to me. Like, I'm not being the bad guy here, these guys are the bad guys, I mean just look at that them, that's blatantly the bad guy.
- Jon invites his Tiyal friends to join the war, but once again, despite the prompt indicating their willingness to join, they veto the war declaration.Jon: Okay, we're not inviting the Tiyals again. You know what, we're just going to eat the Tiyals at some point, they're beginning to annoy me.
- "Oh flip, we're invading Qiramulan space, and at the same time, the Qiramulan are trying to-" (ZAP) "NO! No, why would you have done that?! Did you just annihilate a colony ship, with a single shot?! Who gave that order?! That was civilians! It wasn't a war craft! Okay, I may possibly be the bad guy here."
- The punchline of the war against the Sakyl is that even after Jon wins and makes the bugs another subsidiary that borders the adorable starfish, this doens't do anything to the "distance" penalty that prevented the starfish from becoming his Voluntary Vassal.
- Jon keeps expanding his Forge World's alloy production, requiring another huge investment of minerals to refurbish an arcology.Jon: The Beast will not destroy me, alright? It's either going to make me win, or it's going to make me lose. Like, there's no middle ground here, it's not going to just sit there as a passenger, it's either going to destroy me or let me conquer the entire galaxy, I'm not sure which.
- "We could ship off the Technicians, we're probably okay for... when I say 'we're okay for Energy,' we're losing 262 a month right now, I'm not even quite sure why, but it seems bad."
- "But I now know what the problem is - it's that I'm just not producing enough alloys, so get more foundry arcologies underway here. What's that? Unemployed people, you say? Well I think I know what's happening to you! To the Beast you go!"
- The Tasty Elves declare the Tenets of Tabby their rival, making it quite likely that the elves' federation partner, the Infinite Pond, will conquer the Tabbies' empire.Jon: I think Tabby might be about to be eaten by a duck. Which is quite ironic, because for Christmas we got Tabby a bag of treats that were duck-flavored and yeah, I think they're out for revenge.
- On the bright side, Jon is ecstatic that the adorable starfish voluntarily become his subsidiary.Jon: Oh, this is great! I finally made amends for the horrifying murder of the starfish in the Apocalypse run, alright? That sin has now been wiped from my conscience.
- Jon subjugates the Rontor, making roughly a third of the galaxy his vassal, willing or otherwise. Which might actually be problematic.Jon: We've got ourselves... possibly, worryingly too many vassals. I mean, I have got a good fleet, sure, but a single bad encounter with a leviathan, or a Great Khan, my fleet could be half-gone. And then my vassals together could be stronger than me, quite possibly. And that would be... worrying.
- By Part 15, the situation in Cornwall deteriorates even further, to the point that Glacier declares a war of independence from its sister world.
- Jon wants to see what's in the L-Cluster, but he's also wary enough to want to do it well away from his borders, in case there's something horrible in it. So he decides to claim a rival's system to take control of their L-Gate.Jon: If it's a disaster, then it doesn't matter, because that's not my neighborhood. Basically, I'm going to use the L-Gates like a Weapon of Mass Destruction, and just trigger it on the far side of the galaxy from me, and then sit back and laugh as it eats everyone else, and then stop laughing if it - it wouldn't get to my side of the galaxy, would it? Okay, if it does, then we'll fight it off, but for the time being, we don't need to worry about it.
- Starting a major war just to claim that one L-Gate system leads to ironic timing when Jon picks his next Ascension Perk.Jon: You know what, I will want "Defender of the Galaxy," I'll just take it now, let's just get that done. That's useful, because it also gives you, yeah, everyone's opinion increased by 20. Because I'm planning to defend the galaxy, and apparently you don't need to have defended the galaxy for everyone to like you, you can just go around saying "Yep, Defender of the Galaxy," and everyone's like "Ah, you know what, that guy's alright. He's defending the galaxy. There's nothing to defend the galaxy from right now, aside from like him, he's basically what the galaxy needs defending from. But he's still alright!"
- Sure enough, Jon gets the Gray Tempest event, and reads the pop-up explaining that it's not just coming out of the L-Gate he activated, but all of them.Jon: Ooh, it's not just me, it's everything! Oh that's bad. What if they come to - UH-OH. What if they're somewhere else in the empire? (cackling) Oh, I've just basically ruined everything.
- The bad news is that most of the L-Gates happen to be within or close to Jon's borders. The good news is that if the Tempest fleets clear out some of his vassals' systems, he'll get a chance to claim some territory he'd rather own personally.Jon: This is a crisis, but is it not also an opportunity?
- Jon's been supporting his economy by selling Consumer Goods for Energy Credits on the galactic marketplace, but after he hits the cap on his Consumer Goods stockpile, he dumps thousands of them. One in-game year later, Jon finally notices that he's been losing hundreds of credits a month because he's crashed the market for the things, and tries selling even more to fix his economy.YouTube comment: And in economic news the empire is experiencing the worst recession it has ever seen with the treasury loosing almost 1k energy credits every month, and it appears that our leader hasn't noticed
Another comment: "Right so the Consumer Goods are selling for nothing. Well I'm prepared to be paid very little and sell a lot more." Can someone explain hyperinflation to Jon? XD
- "Okay, so you've got two worlds called Nirium and one world named Narium. This, this is why you didn't do well on the galactic stage, alright? Confusion."
- Jon's annoyed when he spots the Caravaneers but doesn't get the project to open communications, because "you're part of the DLC that's the paid part of the DLC, and you're refusing to speak with me."
- Although it's a dangerous technology to pursue, Jon decides to upgrade his Droids to full-blown, self-aware Synths.Jon: It should be fine, if they come to me and say they want rights, they can have rights, alright? They can have as many flipping rights as they want, no problem whatsoever. And if anyone wants to have sex with the robots, that's okay too! And if one of the robots somehow gets pregnant, with an artificial womb, and creates a half-robot, half-owl, half-Roman, half-starfish, that's okay! That's cool! I'm a hundred percent okay with all of that!
- Jon kicks off Part 17 by announcing that he has a plan - "that's right, I've got a plan, everybody just flippin' panic, get it out of your system now."
- While looking over the species in his empire, Jon's horrified to find six half-breed Lozavata subspecies, because it means people have been having sex with the giant Venus flytraps.
- "Okay, that's good, apparently I'm so good at the stock market now that all my... generators produce more energy, because... reasons."
- Jon decides to name a new Gaia World "Eden Prime," which means he has to rename a disappointing colony he founded a previous episode from that to "Eden Turned Out To Be Not That Great."
- Since Jon doesn't want a War in Heaven happening on his side of the galaxy, he decides to nip one of the Fallen Empires in the bud and declares a war of conquest before it can wake up. One minute he's cheering about his "beautiful rainbow coalition" of allied empires following his main fleet, the next he notices that his war exhaustion has jumped from 20% to 99% because it's saying his side has lost 308 armies in ground battles.Jon: What is going on here? The only way that's - oh NO. Please tell me that you idiots didn't decide to throw your troops at their world, and that's what's going on here?
- This turns the war from a curb-stomp to a desperate race to conquer heavily-defended worlds before Jon's forced to peace out, and sadly he only manages to get the Archives when the war ends. He ships a ton of unemployed Pops there, realizes the planet is already overpopulated and underemployed, then realizes that thanks to his Social Welfare policy, all those unemployed Pops are giving him a ton of Unity to spend on Unity Ambitions.Jon: I've accidentally been a genius!
Stellaris: The Impossible Run
- During his "Impossible Run," Jon notices that his Space Romans on the other side of the galaxy are being steadily destroyed by some Determined Exterminators, and is happy to welcome their refugees. He immediately colonizes a "New Rome" just for the humans, but notices that the planet has the "abandoned terraforming equipment" modifier, and since doing nothing will saddle the colony with a happiness penalty, he decides to push the button and hope for the best. A short time later and the once-temperate world is a desert full of mutant horrors that are eating the Roman colonists.Jon: So in conclusion, I invited a bunch of refugees into my empire, set up a wonderful habitat for them, and then activated completely untested technology, which has unleashed a terrifying, horrible war on their world, when they were fleeing a terrible, horrifying war... Okay, so, this is fine, I'm a monster.
- The sixth episode of the Impossible Run is titled "I Have a Plan." Cue anxiety in the comments section.
- Jon decides to plunge his corner of the galaxy into a multi-front war so he can grab a few neighboring systems, but with the main objective of securing a ten-year peace treaty against his most threatening neighbor so he can try a corporate takeover war against a rival megacorp on the other side of the galaxy.Jon: I mean, it's probably a catastrophically stupid military adventure, but I want to do it anyway. And it basically gives me a legitimate excuse to bully the Hulfassans for being a bunch of dicks.
- The end result of the "peace treaty" war is that Jon attains his objectives, while the allies he dragged into the fight lose several systems to their rivals due to Jon settling for a "status quo" result rather than a full victory.Jon: I'm kind of screwing over the Baviir right now... I'm really screwing over the Baviir right now. But, I would get what I want, and in many ways that's the most important thing.
- Highlights of the war against the T'Jell Monopoly include Jon declaring war on a nation on the other side of the galaxy before sending his fleet on the two-year voyage to enemy territory, sending his actual troop transports even later, two enemy fleets spazzing out and twirling in place, and his own fleet getting stuck in combat against enemy ships they're not attacking, forcing Jon to use the "emergency FTL" feature to break off the combat, and then realizing that he has no idea where he just sent his invasion force to. But somehow it all works out and the Snivlet Friendship takes over two profitable new branch offices! And then Jon checks what's happening in the galactic east.Jon: I just fought a war to get ahold of the branch office on The Brightest Quack, which I've just invested heavily into. The Brightest Quack is now just a single jump away from the killbots.
- Jon explains why having Pristine Jewel, a Gaia World on the other side of the galaxy from his homeworld, is so important:Jon: (matter-of-factly) It's worth it for me to hedge my bets, because at some point, I'm going to be destroyed.
- While planning his campaign against the Zero Index, Jon realizes that the positive diplomacy modifiers from having a shared enemy are going to do wonders for his international relations.Jon: So as it turns out, a giant swarm of killbots who everyone agrees are dicks, that's going to be how the galaxy makes friends, because everyone will agree they have a common enemy - aw, that's brilliant, the Zero Index have accidentally saved me.
- Jon insists that the Zero Index's robot population are not being Purged from the worlds he conquered, because he's not using skull icons during the process. "These are killbots, we're deactivating them. This is no more murder than unplugging a toaster."
- Jon moves a ton of Pops around to build up Fen Habannis, his City Planet, and experiences a crash in his food and consumer goods production. Luckily he has edicts to compensate.Jon: Education! Hurray! Recycling! Hurray! Healthcare! Hurray! Capacity Overload! Hurray! Farming Subsidies! Ah, marvelous. Right, I've solved all my problems by throwing money at them, great.
- After spending most of an episode on reorganizing his empire and watcing the Zero Index dwindle away, Jon suddenly gets the "Subspace Echoes" event pop-up.Jon: ...Uh oh. Oh no. Oh nonononononono - okay, so... It's been going well. I mean, we had a good run. We had a great run. Absolutely spectacular run. We have done so, so well, so far. It's been great. I hope you enjoyed this series, it's been a good series as far as I'm concerned.
- "It's going to be okay, it's not going to be okay, it might be okay."
- When he sees the invaders' predicted entry points on the galactic rim, Jon has an unwelcome realization:Jon: If I'd just left the Zero Index alone, and basically let them dominate that entire quadrant of the galaxy, there is actually a decent chance the Zero Index would have been able to give the Swarm a decent fight, and potentially at the bare minimum have slowed them down enough that I'd have time to get myself set up properly, but, ah, that's not going to be a thing anymore, because the Zero Index is about to cease to exist. So basically, by saving the galaxy, I have doomed it.
- To prepare for the fight against the Scourge, Jon switches his empire's trade policy from "Consumer Benefits" to "Marketplace of Ideas" to try to get some Ascension perks. Fifteen minutes later...Jon: One other advantage, actually, this is a bit of a morbid one... yeah, as these guys start destroying occupied systems with actual, you know, planets on them, and as a result of that, there'll be a massive refugee crisis across the galaxy. And when that happens, yeah, all those people, probably, will flee to me because I've got open borders, so as a result of that, yeah, massive increase in Pops, we can get them to work on Fen Habannis, so... That'll give me a bit of an advantage too, also what the hell just happened to my economy?
YouTube Comment: Jon did more damage to his empire than the Scourge did.
- So while the Prethoryn Scourge begins consuming the galaxy, Jon spends an hour-long episode trying to stabilize his tanking economy by shuffling Pops around, revamping his infrastructure, belatedly automating the menial jobs, and making some questionable trade deals.Jon: I can prop up my economy by selling my own empire! Which is probably not a great idea, but screw it, if they're willing to pay I'm willing to sell it.
- "This is how we're going to defeat the Scourge, if we defeat them, which we won't, but this is how we'll give them at least a fair battle."
- "Yes, we have got ourselves some beautiful, beautiful refugees! Good, good-good-good, I mean I'm very, very sad and sorry for your loss."
- In Part 11, Jon has saved his economy from himself and is climbing the tech ladder so that he can build fleets designed to hard-counter the Scourge. So naturally he decides now's the time to open the L-Gates and hope something horrible spills out into Scourge space.Jon: Because, when you're being invaded by bears, what you need is, like, different types of bears, bears that hate each other. We're just going to set the bears against the bears and everything's going to be fine, alright, when winter rolls around all the bears will freeze to death.
- It only takes a couple of minutes for Jon to realize that maybe unleashing unending hordes of nanomachine fleets that can strike from any L-Gate in the galaxy, and not just the L-Gates near the Prethoryn Scourge, might not have been such a good idea.YouTube Comment: In this episode Jon falls back on the Godzilla Threshold.
EDIT: Never mind, he falls back on the true and tried tactic of unleashing bears on the fire fighters during a forest fire.
- Once he researches Experimental Subspace Navigation, Jon manages to hop a Science Ship into Scourge space to start the "Wounded Queen" event, acquiring his very own Domesticated Prethoryn Queen! ...Deep, deep inside enemy territory, and unable to make a jump to bypass the Hyperspace Lanes crawling with Scrouge doomstacks. What follows is several minutes of Jon trying to sneak the Queen out while the Scourge is busy, which ends with Jon's fledgling Domesticated Prethoryn fleet getting curb-stomped. But then minutes later, some of those ships manage to escape to friendly territory, allowing him to rebuild his own swarm! Except it turns out that the ships are actually pretty crap for their fleet cost. So to free up his Naval Capacity, Jon throws his tamed Prethoryns against the Scourge and gets them all killed... and notices that his Naval Capacity hasn't gone down.Jon: Right, possibly I've just killed a free fleet. But that's okay, it was useless anyway.
- Jon starts an episode with another installment of "Things That Jon Got Wrong," and explains that he's been misinterpreting one of the game's Traditions thinking that it only applies its increased ship firing rate to fleets within his borders, when it actually triggers if you're in a defensive war. "But it's been making me feel better, alright? There's been a really important psychological benefit to me thinking that for the past few decades."
- Already struggling to contain both the Prethoryn Scourge and the Gray Tempest, Jon's response to the Great Khan arising is a Rapid-Fire "No!"... at least until he sees which Marauders have woken up and how close they are to the Scourge.Jon: Okay, never mind, this is gonna work out beautifully! They're just going to absolutely eat Tabby, and then they're going to be very, very useful indeed! Okay, marvelous! I take back all of the "no!"s, it's now nothing but "yes!"
- Unfortunately, this doesn't go according to plan either, because of who the Raltek Horde decides to antagonize.Jon: Yeah, the Great Khan decided to basically run straight into an Awakened Ascendancy, so that's... that's unfortunate for you, isn't it?
- Jon decides he'll combat the Scourge with a Colossus, not to blow up planets but to pacify them with an impenetrable force field, so future generations can study the Scourge trapped below.Jon: Just to make the point, this giant world-destroying monstrosity shall be called Salvation. This is a Salvation-class Colossus, and that means we're the good guys.
- "Also, I just noticed that um, yeah, Rubicon is producing 144 Trade Value that we're not collecting right now because I never actually upgraded the station. So that's good, that's good, well done me, basically."
- Jon realizes that battleships and heavy cruisers aren't the best anti-piracy task force, but he has a more appropriate fleet to spare - the survivors of his tamed Prethoryn brood.Jon: They're completely garbage, we don't want them as part of the main fleet, so, we can just basically leave them here as a message: don't be a pirate, or we will eat you.
- A planetary event involving a strange portal ends up leading to a "Dimension of Suffering."Jon: You know what, give it a few years, it'll probably be nicer than where we live.
- For a Cry Laughing sort of funny, Jon spends a great deal of time and resources successfully defending the Selnoc system, using its Gateway to instantly reinforce his anti-Scourge fleet. When he sees several Scourge swarms idling in neighboring systems, he decides to send his forces on a jaunt across the galaxy, at which point the Scourge dogpiles Selnoc. And Jon realizes his trouble goes beyond a single lost system.Jon: Oh flip... the Gateways! Okay, they can't use the Gateway network... unless they own both sides, or it is an unclaimed Gateway. Now they do own a Gateway. They own a Gateway over... yeah, they own a Gateway up there. And now they've taken - oh, no wonder they were desperately waiting for a chance to get Selnoc! Now they've got a Gateway, they can now teleport troops from one side of the empire to the other... and I have no way of stopping them.
- And then he notices that they're trying to take Terminal Egress, which would give them access to the galaxy's L-Gate network as well.Jon: Oh no, what have I done?! I've accidentally doomed us all! The Gateway network's actually gonna hand them the keys to the entire cocking galaxy! Aw, they're all going! Oh no! Nononono - what do I do?!
- To plug his Minerals deficit, Jon belatedly settles all the Worm-created habitable worlds in his home system: New Snorf, New New Snorf, New New New Snorf...
- Having lost his chokepoint system, and abandoning Terminal Egress to turtle in his home territories, Jon decides to focus on fortifying the route from the L-Gate within his borders. Then he notices something.Jon: There is however one, um, small problem I've just realized, by the way. I was thinking we could just hold out here in the south down at Howoz and we'd be fine. Because y'know, obviously they're coming from the south. But, um... they're actually not. Because I remembered, of course, over in Reshell... there's also a wormhole. Guess where the wormhole goes - oh, it's literally right next to Scourge space. In fact there are actually three fleets inside that space, right now, possibly going straight towards the wormhole, so... that's great, that's just great, thank you for leading them into my space, that's just brilliant. So! We're going to be attacked by both sides, because by sheer coincidence we've got flipping wormholes all over our cocking empire.
- By this point the comments section is wondering when Jon will start tossing pens around, promising wonder weapons to win the war, and insisting that a general will lead a counter-attack from the north to salvage the situation.
- Jon decides to take a break from cowering in his home systems to invade a neighboring Fallen Empire for its technology and infrastructure, hence the episode title, "Screw It, Let's Start Another War, That Will Fix Everything." And instead of landing armies on all the Fallen Empire's colonies, he sends in a Colossus with a Global Pacifier to seal them behind impenetrable force fields.Jon: Bear in mind, this is not murder, it's not a Death Star. The people living on this planet, they can just, you know, keep living here, whoever they are. I hope they're very, very happey indeed.... No, we're not saying "Tap on the glass and watch them squirm," that is not the Xenophile way!
- He also tries to claim the moral high ground by attacking the Fallen Empire's own Colossus.Jon: How about we go and save the galaxy by destroying the only other Death Star out there, because I'd say we can all agree I'm the only person who can be trusted with a Death Star.
- Jon really wants The Core and all its incredibly-advanced production buildings, but another empire is invading at the same time, and manages to land ground troops first. But he's sure the game mechanics are in his favor.Jon: I mean I think as I've got the starbase, I get everything by default, because starbases take precedence over everything. Plus, I have a claim down on this system which I got down ages ago, so I think it goes to me. [...] If so, that would be a huge pile of alloys and money, that basically is just for free, it's beautiful!
(Smash Cut to...)
Jon: The Core has just been occupied by the Kilik Cooperative!
- Then Jon decides that he doesn't need the Core after all, and to end the war and his secure his claims on the Fallen Empire's territory, uses his Colossus on two planets other star nations are currently occupying.Jon: Are you guys gonna object to this? Is this a war crime?
- Now that his fleets are upgraded with Fallen Empire technology, Jon goes on the offensive with enough firepower to massacre Scourge fleets even when they try to catch him out of position.Jon: Oh yeah, they thought they could get around the back of me, but oh dear, this plan's boomeranged on you, hasn't it? Like a space - wait, would a boomerang - no a boomerang wouldn't - wait, hang on - no, a boomerang wouldn't work in space, presumably...
- With the tide turning, the other empires in the galaxy begin retaking Scourge territory and sending their fleets to support Jon on the front line against the swarm-Jon: Nope, never mind, they decided to retreat before anything interesting happened, because of course they have. Oh, but guess who has shown up just in time! It's the flipping Iztrans and they have fifty thousand, which is not nothing! So guys, if you'd like to - guys? Guys, would you like to get involved? No, they've decided they can't be bothered, they're just going to stay back and let me do all the work.
- As Jon leads the counter-invasion of Scourge space, and carves its fleets into chunks...Jon: You know, I like to think back on Snorf right now, Scourge flesh has just become - well it was a delicacy, but then we just kind of flooded the market with it, so now it's what everybody eats, you know it's just good, cheap, wholesome food.
- With the Scourge all but exterminated from the galactic northeast, Jon realizes the fight isn't quite over yet.Jon: I'm going to be honest at this point, I may have slightly forgotten something. A little bit of Scourge territory that I may have overlooked. The bit that in fact... (pans over to his own empire) repeatedly keeps attacking Tiny Sands and still has two massive fleets and also all of their infrastructure. That's basically where they live now, yes. In fact they're also just desperately colonizing everything they can over here. Right, we should probably go deal with that.
- "Yeah, basically the Scourge have managed to successfully hide - and when I say 'hide', you know, 'parked directly north of my core empire' - about 1.6 million strength. And I just didn't notice."
- Jon has a dramatic moment narrating Strike Force Phoenix assaulting the last Scourge system, "unless I've forgotten about one again, that is entirely feasible." Sure enough, the crisis isn't quite over because there's one little system tucked away next to the Brightest Quack.Jon: I've no idea why the Ducks didn't take care of this, by the way, it is literally two jumps away from their flipping capital!
- To celebrate his victory, Jon puts up an Executive Retreat on Repose, so everyone can go relax by petting the Tabbies.