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The movie

  • "One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass." That's the first line of the movie!
  • Brodie's steadily increasing rage about the kid on the escalator.
    Brodie: I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!
    T.S.: What is with you today?!
    Brodie: Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal SO SHE'LL LEARN HOW TO MANAGE HER CHILD!
    T.S.: That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?
    Brodie: Man, there's not a year goes by, not a year that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've been easily avoided had some parent— I don't care which one — but SOME parent conditioned him to FEAR and respect that escalator!
    • And the payoff when the security guard restraining Brodie from beating up Steve-Dave and Walt is called away when the kid does get caught.
  • Brodie Bruce, quote machine: "Would've been a sexy chick!"
  • Then there's the matter of Brodie's breakup with Rene. He initially thought it was over his farting while she's giving him oral sex. T.S. quickly asserts that if that was the cause, he was damn lucky that's all she did.
    • In the Extended Cut, TS is chased by the news media about the Governor's Ball and he rushes inside Brodie's house to escape. After Brodie tells him about the cookie stand at the mall, TS at first declines the offer. Then a guy from NBC forces his way into the window wanting to make a TV movie about the incident, only for a guy from CBS to shove him aside and offer not only more money, but for Drew Barrymore to play Brandi.
  • Brodie's rant about being stuck in the past while walking backwards and the inevitable payoff.
    Brodie: You face forward or you face the possibility of shock and damage! *begins to turn around, immediately gets hit in the head with a crossbeam*
  • Jay and Silent Bob, "avenging" Brodie, beat the crap out of the Easter Bunny in front of an army of children, who then proceed to pummel them both.
    • A few scenes later, one of the network execs mentions that "the Easter Bunny was accosted this morning."
  • The Curly Howard-esque yelp that Jay makes when he sees that the police are closing in on he and Silent Bob.
  • The various things that Silent Bob pulls out of his coat to escape Team LaFours.
    • Speaking of, Smith noted on the DVD Commentary that the actors playing the other security guards in that sequence insisted on being credited as "Team LaFours".
  • Everything involving the topless three-nippled psychic, Ivanna.
    TS: You have a third nipple?
    Brodie: *has been horribly uncomfortable through the entire scene* What are you talking about? It's as clear as day!
    • And then the end of the scene, when it turns out that it's fake.
    Ivanna: Works every time.
  • Brodie "stink-palming" Brandi's dad. He makes sure to rub his ass sweat onto Mr. Svenning's hand very thoroughly and gives the audience an incredibly mischievous, shit-eating Aside Glance while doing it. Brandi's dad then eats a chocolate-covered pretzel Brodie offers him, licking his fingers clean in the process - suffice to say, he suffers the effects of this prank during the game show.
  • Pretty much the entire Truth or Date sequence is one, with Brodie getting most of the best lines, frequently at the expense of Gil.
    Brodie: *after Gil's proposed date plans* That was the biggest load of CRAP I've ever heard! I mean look at you, you're the kinda guy that would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.
    • Which serves as a Stealth Insult towards Shannon, as that sounded almost exactly like the plans for his date with Rene (Rene had told Brodie about that during their fight/tryst in the elevator). You can even see Shannon with a "-_-" look on his face.
    • And then how he goes off on a story about his Cousin Walter jacking off in public. And the audience appears to be very engrossed by the story.
      • And the punchline: Brodie getting offended when Gil asks if Walter or any of the people on the plane with him ended up climaxing.
    • Brodie insinuating that Gil's a self-loathing gay guy.
    • It's pretty much summed up in this quote from Jay to Tricia:
    Jay: Are you watching this shit man, it's fucked up!
  • Any time Jay draws a blueprint, and any time they try to carry it out.
    Jay: Fly, fatass! Fly!
  • Silent Bob crashing through the dressing room wall twice while carrying out said plans and happening upon Gwen changing.
    • Then when Gwen happens upon Jay and Silent Bob talking to Brodie after Shannon beats him up, Silent Bob tries to conceal his face, but Gwen notices him anyway.
  • Shannon Hamilton has tried to screw girls in a very uncomfortable place:
    Various:''' What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
    • And when Gil mentions it, Brodie does a small Double Take, as if thinking "How did you know?...", at which point Gil just turns away awkwardly.
  • Everybody but poor Willam Black seeing the sailboat in the Magic-Eye picture.
    Little Girl: Wow, it's a schooner!
    Willam: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner... it's a sailboat.
    Little Boy: A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head!
    • If you freeze the close-up shot of the poster and actually are able to relax your eyes to see the image, it turns out to just be a few rows of basic shapes, implying everyone's just screwing with him that he's missing something cool.
  • T.S. referring to Trish the Dish as a "Junior Master's in Johnson."
  • After Tricia admits to sleeping with Shannon, she tells Brodie that Shannon has quite a disdain for him. Brodie's horrified reaction: "Ew, he mentioned me during sex?!"
  • Jay's wail of support for T.S. while he's on the game show (or rather, T.S.' assumed identity): "DO IT, DOUG!"
  • This quote from Jay to Willam:
    Jay: I'll tell you what you need is a fatty, boombatty blunt! And then I'll guarantee you'll see a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of them big-titted mermaids, doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!
  • When Svenning is speaking to the network execs, trying to assure them that Truth or Date will "go off without a hitch", someone offscreen yells "LOOK OUT!" as we hear something crash. Svenning tries to assure the execs that it's a "sound test".
  • While in the book store, Jay shows Silent Bob a picture in a girlie magazine and tells him "Dude, this looks like your mom." Silent Bob looks up from his book, looks at the picture, considers it for a moment and nods in a "Yeah, kinda" sort of way.
  • Brodie gets to meet his idol Stan Lee...and immediately starts asking him questions about various superheroes' genitals.
  • From the 2005 DVD, the "Mallrats: The Reunion" Q&A with the cast and crew was a barrelful of laughs. For instance, Kevin Smith recalling how he and Scott Mosier crashed at producer Jim Jacks' house while in LA editing and at one point, they had just had a party. Jacks arrived, people rushed out the back- and Jacks flipped out over finding chicken grease on the phone, with Kevin describing how Jason Mewes was over the sink in the kitchen, with a piece of fried chicken up to his mouth.

The fanfic

  • Lincoln wondering how Leni is supposed to pee in her romper.
  • Leni misreading "U R a QT" as "yurakt", and when Lincoln clarifies, she thinks he's calling her a cutie.
  • Leni once embarrassed herself by replying to a boy's complimenting her top with "I like your bottom" (referring to his pants).
  • The reason Leni learnt to fight is because she took "fight or flight" too literally.

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