"Kids, here's a message from your uncle Bill: Don't buy drugs...Become a pop star and they give you them for free!"
- David, with regards to Natalie's jerk of an ex-boyfriend:
David: You know, as Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered.
David: Ruthless, trained killers are just a phonecall away.
- David's continual confusion over others calling or referring to Natalie as fat is rather amusing.
- Like a lot that happens in Daniel and Sam's plot, this one is bittersweet almost to the point of Mood Whiplash. Daniel and Karen are discussing Sam and how he always hides in his room, obviously crying because his mother has passed away, and Daniel not knowing just how he should talk to him. Then at one point we get,
Daniel: He could be injecting heroin into his eyeballs.
Karen: At the age of eleven?
Daniel: All right, maybe not his eyeballs. Maybe just his veins.
- The discussion of Nativity play roles:
Daisy: We've been given our parts in the nativity play, and I'm the lobster!
Karen: The lobster?
Karen: In the nativity play?
Daisy: Yeah, first lobster.
Karen: There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
- And when we actually see the play, it turns out to include three lobsters, an octopus, a whale, penguins, and Spider-Man.
- Practically anything Billy says or does. Just one of many is:
Billy: Kids, here's a message from your Uncle Bill: don't buy drugs. Become a pop star and they give you them for free.
- Another great one, from his radio interview:
Host: Best shag you ever had?
Billy: Just kidding. She was rubbish.
- In his sequence with Ant and Dec, there's another casual one-liner:
Billy: Thank you Ant or Dec.
- Billy writing a giant speech bubble on the "Blue" pop group poster reading "WE'VE GOT LITTLE PRICKS".
- After Billy finally makes #1, he decides to ditch the huge celebrity party at Elton John's house to spend Christmas with his manager, who has stuck by him all these years. To which he reacts like this:
Joe: Well, this is a surprise.
Joe: Ten minutes at Elton John's, you're as gay as a maypole!
- Billy's rendition of Wet Wet Wet's "Love Is All Around" with Christmas references shoehorned in so he can release it as a Christmas Song. On a meta level as well, as the song appears on the soundtrack album.
- And his reaction when he realises he's sung "Love is all around" instead of "Christmas is all around" again:
Billy: Oh! Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!
- And him later pointing out in his interview how hard it is to sing because "Christmas" is one syllable more than "love".
- Billy coming through on his promise to strip himself nude on live television. His positioning of his guitar makes this enough Safe for Work to be broadcast, but he clearly is entirely naked on the set. And the reactions of people in the airport who happen to see the scene: some airport employees laugh and point at it, but even funnier is Sam briefly noticing it and giving a confused "huh what?" look at it, before ignoring it to run on to Joanna.
- David dancing to "Jump (For My Love)" by the Pointer Sisters.
- The Prime Minister ringing doorbells to try and find Natalie.
Mia: You're not who I think you are, are you?
PM: Yes, I'm afraid I am—and I'm sorry about all the cockups. Not my fault, my cabinet are absolute crap. We hope to do better next year.
- David's on-the-spot rendition of "Good King Wenceslas" for some little girls who want a Christmas carol; his bodyguard then joins in with a robust voice that surprises even David.
- And then the little girls start doing a dance!
- Jamie and Aurelia's dialogues in the cottage where they say the exact same things in their respective languages, unaware of how in tune they are. The funniest moment is when they talk about his book and Aurelia suggests in Portuguese he give her 50% of the profits for her part in saving the first draft from a lake, and he immediately follows that with a suggestion to give her 5% of the profits in English.
- When Karen catches Harry in the jewellery aisle...
Karen: Don't worry, my expectations are not that high after 20 years of Mr. "Oh but you've always loved scarves."
- And halfway audible under the music, "Actually, I do like that one."
- Jamie arriving at his family's house on Christmas Eve, only to suddenly announce he is leaving, to the outrage of his nieces and nephews, who start shouting, "I hate Uncle Jamie!"
- Colin's last words before boarding his plane the States
Colin: America, watch out! Here's come Colin Frissell! (in a much deeper voice) And he's got a big kno-o-o-o-o-o-b!
- The fact that Colin's insane plan (go to America and use his accent to score with women) actually works out for him.
- Making it funnier for Americans is that he goes to WISCONSIN to try this stunt. It's not as though he goes to more "glamorous" states like Florida or California. Richard Curtis admits in the commentary that this isn't a deliberate joke like every American assumed; he legit had no idea of its reputation as "the cheese state."
- The Prime Minister answering the phone after delivering his big speech:
PM: Yes, I'm very busy and important, how can I help you?
- When the wind carries away all the pages of Jamie's book into the lake, after a mistake on Aurelia's part, she immediately jumps into the lake to get them out. Jamie concludes he will look like a jerk if he doesn't jump in too, but when we cut to him, he actually falls sideways into the lake.
- Soon after, he expresses concern that there might be eels in the lake, and Aurelia immediately tells him not to disturb the eels.
- The fact that Rowan Atkinson is wandering around London being a troll in the cause of true love.
- Mark's message to Juliet includes a card that says "I will love you until you look like this" - followed by a picture of a decaying corpse. She can't help but laugh.
- Billy Mack spends the entire film brimming with bravado and not showing the tiniest bit of embarrassment on national radio and TV. But he becomes hilariously tongue-tied and awkward when confessing to his manager that he's been the true love of Mack's life, avoiding eye contact and even miming a guitar at the crucial moment.
Red Nose Day Actually
- In the promo for the Red Nose Day sequel, the actors start bickering through Mark's cards about who's aged the best. Hugh Grant says it's definitely not Colin Firth (who's completely absent), Liam Neeson says it's obviously him, Thomas Brodie-Sangster and Olivia Olson point out that they've grown up, while Bill Nighy gleefully says he hasn't.