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Running from an evil cult is no reason to not have fun!


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    Season 1 
"First Blog / Dorkiness Prevails""Proving Science Wrong"
  • Bree spending 30 full seconds staring at Daniel while he lounges on her bed is much, much funnier than it may sound. Especially when he starts staring back at her for the last few seconds.
"Proving Science Wrong... with Lonelybeast and Danielgirl15""The Tolstoy Principle""Daniel The Neanderthal"
  • Bree claiming the nuts are "ready to mashed up into a delicious caveman breakfast cereal", then eating some and making a face.
  • "And we have bananas... (whispering) because that's all they had at the supermarket."
  • This:
    Daniel: Bree, this is disgusting.
    Bree: Shhhh! (to the camera) Caveman didn't have the tool of language.
"What Did Daniel and Dad Talk About?"
  • Bree's voice and face when she calls Daniel a liar.
  • Daniel recoiling from the heat of one of the candles he lights.
  • "He goes, uh, 'Daniel, come here. Bree smells like cheese.'"
"Bree The Cookie Monster"
  • Bree taking a bite out of one of the cookies, then dropping P. Monkey and just eating the whole thing.
  • Followed by Bree chastising P. Monkey for giving it a 12 on a 1-to-10 scale.
"Poor Pluto""What's a Date?"
  • This:
    Bree: I don't think I would know a date if it came and bit me.
    (Bree holds up P. Monkey and bites it)
"My First Kiss"
  • "I pretty much spend all day trying to avoid other people's spit."
  • Bree demonstrating turning your head to the right before a kiss.
  • Right after:
    Bree: The slang term for this is "going in for the kill". (starts firing finger guns at the camera with sound effects)
  • Bree revealing the obvious:
    Bree: Saturday night I went to a party with Daniel... and he kissed me. (ducks under the desk)
    (Several seconds pass, Bree peeks over the desk, ducks back down, then peeks over again)
    Bree: You're still here. Go away. (beat) This is embarrassing.
  • Bree demonstrating the "yawn technique":
    Bree: Now I'm gonna demonstrate a common but deadly tactic known as the "yawn technique". Let's pretend for a moment that Thornote  is a poor, unsuspecting girl bear, and I'm a not-so-poor and not-so-unsuspecting boy bear. (leans toward the camera) With questionable motives.
    (cut to a clip of Bree slowly pulling a yawn-and-reach on Thor, then taking him up in her arms and passionately making out with him. Bree puts him back down.)
"Proving Longitude Wrong"
  • The opening:
    Bree: Today we have a troubling question put before us: Do you know your longitude? (cut to a sped-up clip of Bree and Daniel messing with a globe. Cut back to Bree in front of the camera) Your longitude is the lateral distance from the Prime Meridian, measured in degrees. (sighs) I know. I didn't think it was that important either.
  • Bree's British accent when she reads aloud from the book.
  • Bree imitating being lost at see by "blindly" running around her room, including messing with Daniel at the very end.
  • The ending:
    Bree: So, why is it important to know your longitude? Because if you don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going, and you might run into things that shouldn't be there. (glances at Daniel) Like Danielbeasts.
"What Makes Us Sad?"
  • Bree's mock-sad faces.
  • Bree imitating a dog whining.
  • "When Owen gets sad, he hides in his shell" (as Owen) "It's so dark in here."
"Man In The Suit"
  • Bree decides to sweep the room for bugs... using a broom.
  • Bree putting P. Monkey through a lineup (with Thor, Owen, and a trash can) to see if he can spot who was following them. The result:
    Bree: Turns out that was a false lead. He thought it was the trash can! Monkeys. (tosses P. Monkey to the side)
  • Bree suspecting her follower is about to enter the room:
    Bree: Somebody's at the door. This could be the person that's been following us. (The door opens, and Daniel comes in. Bree gasps) He looks just like Danielbeast!
  • Bree's "lie detector" shenanigans.
    Bree: Are you upset that P. Monkey, Owen, and Thor came with us?
    Bree: ...He's telling the truth.
    • Her complete deadpan really sells it.
"Survival Skills"
  • "This just in: Life on the run? Borrriiing."
  • This exchange:
    Bree: (to Daniel) Do you know the seven points of the BSA's Adventure Safely procedure?
    Daniel: (beat) What?
    Bree: Is that comic book about the BSA's adventure procedure?
    (Daniel stares at Bree for a moment, then goes back to reading his comic book)
    Bree: (to the camera) I'm the adult here.
  • Daniel imitating Bree's hand signals.
  • "I don't have a community. I'm living in a motel."
  • Bree's rabid animal impression.
"Skateboarding""Truth Or Dare"
  • A completely smashed Daniel randomly telling Jonas they should get slurpees, and the look on his bar pickup's face right afterward.
  • Bree saying she's a very good poker player, then dropping her cards on the ground seconds later.
  • This:
    Bar Girl: You know, you're so lucky you get to live in this big house with these two... strapping young men.
    (pan to Jonas picking his nose and Daniel scratching his butt)
  • "Beast update #2... still breathing." (Daniel suddenly snores) "Loudly."
"Foosball Battle"
  • "Okay, are you telling me if she were to bust into this door right now, jump into your arms and say, 'Daniel, let's prove science wrong for the rest of our lives,' you'd be like, 'Nah, sorry baby, you already had your turn on the D-train'?"
  • Jonas' song:
    I once lured these people to my house,
    Told them I wanted to help 'em,
    What I was doin'...
    Kidnappin', oh yes!
    Secretly workin' for the Order!
"Men Are From Mars"Bree takes it upon herself to resolve the tension between Daniel and Jonas, and decides to ask each of them some questions.
  • Her first question to Jonas:
    Bree: What bothers you the most about Daniel?
  • She walks into Daniel's room to interview him, but he's too engrossed in the book he's reading to pay attention to her. So:
    Daniel: (takes our his earbuds, completely serious) That's messed up, Bree.
  • Then her question:
    Bree: What annoys you most about Jonas?
    Daniel: Everything, he's a piece of sh--
    (cut to Jonas)
    Jonas: He didn't say that. Did he really say that?
"On The Road Again"
  • Jonas preparing to break into his aunt's house.
    Jonas: I think I'm just going to hop the fence.
    Bree: No, you can't br-, you're not going to break in, Jonas! What if they have, like, a security system or the police come or something?
    (Jonas stares at Bree for a moment, then hops the fence anyway)
  • And then when he exits:
    Jonas: Wee-woo, wee-woo, wee-woo! Hm, I think it's all good.
"Flesh Wound"
  • After a lot of drama and panicking about whether they should go to a hospital to fix Jonas' hand wound or not, we cut to Bree standing outside a building:
    Bree: Okay, so, we reached a compromise... and took Jonas to a vet. We put Jonas down as Fido.
"Aunt Alex"
  • This:
    Daniel: What do you think [Bree and Tachyon] are doing?
    Jonas: Mmm... talking about ways to kill me?
  • "If you hit on my aunt, I will go Bree on you."
  • Once Jonas' aunt Alex shows up:
    Daniel: (to Alex) Maybe, maybe tell us a little something about Rome?
    Alex: (beat, to Jonas) Is he serious?
    Jonas: Mmhm, mhm, but, uh, just ignore him.
  • Daniel subtly hitting on Alex at the end of the video, and everyone's reactions.
"Uncle Dan"
  • Jonas' reaction to Daniel hitting on Alex:
    Jonas: I think I'm gonna throw up... No, it's cool, it went back down.
  • The entirety of the ending scene with Daniel and Jonas waiting for a cab.
    • This sequence:
      Daniel: If things worked out [with Alex], I would be (puts arm around Jonas) this fine young gentleman's... uncle.
      Jonas: Oh my god, man.
      ...
      Jonas: If you hook up with my aunt, I will—I will bury both of you.
      Daniel: No, no, think about it, think about it. It would be fun—
      Jonas: It would not be fun, Daniel! That would not be fun.
    • "Shovels, boxes, if that all sounds good to you, man, just keep going down this road."
    • Jonas starts asking Daniel if he made out with Alex, and he dodges the question, and this ends the video:
      Jonas: Did you? 'Cause if you did...
      Daniel: Did... what?
      Jonas: I hate you.
"Science Proved Nothing"
  • "I need a lab coat... I should get a lab coat."
  • Jonas and Daniel's experiment:
    Jonas: Okay, so what was our hypothesis again?
    Daniel: Sleeping in similar conditions to where we were interrogated will help us remember the face of our interrogator.
    Jonas: Mm, kind of weak. Okay, what was our experiment?
    Daniel: We went to sleep.
    Jonas: ...Right. Conclusion?
    Daniel: Uhhh, I had dreams. And... bathtub faucets are harder than the human head.
"Crazy Emo Chick"
  • The beginning:
    Bree: Now we're here, it's ten in the a-m, we've got a girl to save, people to see and… what do you know. SLEEPS-A-LOT and SNORE-FACTORY are still sleeping. (To Jonas and Daniel) Wake up!
    Jonas: Unhhh...
  • "...she's like the mother bird some times, you know? Like, like 'Chirp! Chirp! Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!' 'Chirp! Chirp! Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!'" (Daniel throws a pillow at him)
  • Sarah revealing that she pretended to hold up Daniel using a tube of lipstick.
    • And then Daniel shows that she also pantsed him, revealing his Union Jack underwear.
      Daniel: I haven't been able to do laundry and it's the last pair I had!
"It's Not Kidnapping"
  • Jonas' sarcastic ideas for how they can get Julie to come along quietly:
    Jonas: What are we gonna do, are we gonna walk in there and be like "Hi! We're here to take you to Six Flags, little girl. But first we wanna tie you up".
    Jonas: It's Texas, so maybe we could tell her we were taking her to the rodeo, and "Guess what, you're part of it! That's right, we're gonna hog-tie ya."
  • Daniel taking a moment to tell Jonas that "it's not kidnapping".
  • Bree trying to reassure Jonas:
    Bree: I know it seems wrong, and legally, it is a little bit wrong...
"I Know What Boys Like"
  • Sarah sticking her mouth right in front of the camera to say how stupid she thinks vlogging is.
  • Taylor's very poorly-worded question:
    (Sarah looks at the camera suggestively, then starts unzipping her jacket)
    Taylor: What are you doing? Sarah—!
    (cut to Sarah sitting on the bed with her back to the camera)
    Taylor: Sarah is now officially in timeout. (Sarah throws up horns) I'm going to present to you a more PG form of entertainment - soccer! I'm going to share with you a little soccer slang. I'm going to tell you all the ways...
    Sarah: Boooorrrrriiiinnnnnggggg.
  • Sarah comes off the bed to interrupt Taylor by putting a hand over her mouth and saying this:
    Sarah: Every time you score a goal, a starving child in Africa dies.
  • In the last part of the video, Sarah and Taylor each attempt to tie a cherry stem into a knot using only their tongue. Sarah's comes out in a perfect knot, while Taylor's is slightly bent, but she still insists she "got close".
"Let's Play Doctor"
  • Daniel tripping as he walks into the hospital.
  • Right after:
    Jonas: It's okay.
    Taylor: Keep going.
    Jonas: It's alright.
    (Daniel walks into the hospital)
  • Jonas decides to practice some Terrible Pickup Lines for fun.
    • First on Taylor:
      Jonas: So, uh, you come here often?
      Taylor: No way, I don't...
      Jonas: I do. I do, because, uh, I like to watch people come and go. Look, they come, (points) and then—they go.
      Taylor: ...Does that work on all the girls, or just me?
      Jonas: (beat) That was working? Wow, I don't know my own powers.
    • Then on Sarah:
      Jonas: So tell me, ah, what are you doing later?
      Sarah: (pulling the camera closer) It involves D-batteries, and makes a lot of noise.
      (camera pans around to Jonas)
      Jonas: Uh—a boombox?
      (camera pans back to Sarah with a bemused look on her face)
  • When Daniel comes out of the hospital, he's getting chased by a security guard. When he gets to safety, he says that his disguise worked perfectly... until he took a doughnut from the nurse's stand.
"Entertaining Myself"
  • "So, I'm doing this as kind of, like, an art installation piece. Title of my piece? 'Bored. As. Hell. Blogging'. Featuring me. I'm the 'art'."
  • Sarah's opinion on the Hymn of One's ads:
    Sarah: Those videos make me fall over. (falls over)
    Sarah: (sing-song) Sing the eternal annoying song... (gags)
  • Sarah playing with P. Monkey.
  • Sarah's chat with Taylor.
    • First, Sarah asks her how she's taking care of Sarah's pet ferret Colossus:
      Sarah: Okay, be quiet now! I need to know if you're taking good care of Colossus.
      Taylor: Colossus is good.
      Sarah: (glances at the camera with alarm) What do you mean by "good"?
      Taylor: Good.
      Sarah: Is he dead?
      • Taylor's exasperated reaction clinches it.
    • Then this part:
      Sarah: What do you mean you "hung out"?
      Taylor: It means that, um, Perry is nice, and um, (turns her head to the side, lifts her hair, and apparently reveals a hickey) kinda cute.
      Sarah: (puts a hand between her face and the laptop) Get that away from me. (fakes throwing up)
  • The end where Sarah is playing P. Monkey again:
    Sarah: I'm pretending this stuffed monkey is Daniel. (kisses P. Monkey, then sets it on her buxom) That's his favorite part.
"Getting Her Back"
  • Daniel starts tapping his hands on his thighs, leading to this:
    Sarah: Stop it.
    Daniel: I'm just trying to relieve stress.
  • And seconds later:
    Sarah: Can I go yet?
    Jonas: No, not yet.
    (Sarah puts a finger in her mouth, mimes firing a gun, then flops back on her seat)
    Jonas: Oh, that's hot.
"Like A Virgin"
  • Taylor trying to be cool playing with riding crop at the beginning, then flinching when she smacks her hand with it.
  • The animation of Jonas typing. Especially the third iteration, where the pool of his tears has gotten so deep that a fish and a crocodile are swimming around in it.
  • Taylor's "analysis" of the first excerpt of Jonas' email:
    Excerpt: (narrated by Taylor) And Sarah seems to be getting some freaky pleasure out of making fun of me right now.
    Taylor: Very interesting. According to my analysis, what you're really saying is that you, Jonas, want to give my sister, Sarah... "freaky pleasure".
  • "Freaky, freaky, freaky, freaky, freaky..."
  • Taylor's explanation of Sarah's problems is mostly heartwarming, but starts off with this:
    Taylor: So, yes, Sarah has problems, too. She's selfish. She's selfish because... well... she just is. (winces) Probably genetic.
  • Taylor's sign-off:
    Taylor: I'd like to thank everyone for joining me for this week's session of "De-constructing Jonas." I hope you can all join me next week, when I look into more of the many reasons why so many people...
    (Caption reading "Like Jonas" fades in)
    Taylor: Think that the world only revolves around them and their problems.
"Sweating Bullets""Rockin' the Boat"
  • Over 180 episodes after Bree originally demonstrated it, Daniel uses the "yawn technique" for real on Sarah.
    • Sarah's reaction is hilarious too.
  • The ending:
    Sarah: Did you have a good time today, Mr. Beast?
    Daniel: Eh... I had a great time! You? Huh? You? You?
    Sarah: Mmm... maybe.
    Daniel: Maybe? What? How about a little gratitude.
    Sarah: Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you come over here, (pats the bed next to her) and, um, I'll express to you my gratitude.
    Daniel: (hops up onto the bed) What kind of gratitude are we talking about here? (Sarah whispers into his ear. Daniel looks at the camera) See you guys later. (Daniel drops the camera and the episode ends)
"My Mom's A Freak!"
  • The opening:
    Taylor: Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. Haven't you been paying attention? (extremely loud voiceover) Sister equals slut.
  • Taylor recreates her mom hitting on Jonas... using Troll doll Stop Motion.
    • The 70s funk groove that plays during the scene.
    • Jonas' reactions to Taylor's mom hitting on him.
      Jonas: Huh. That's uh, huh. The... ummmmm....
    • Taylor's mom puckering up to kiss Jonas.
    • The Record Needle Scratch that plays when Taylor catches her mom.
"Dude Back Off"
  • "Wanna hear my eternal freak song?" (cut to Sarah "meditating" on the bed) "I am not now, nor have I ever been, Mrs. Cleaver. I am not now, nor have I ever been, Mrs. Cleaver. I am not now nor have I ever been Mrs. Cleaver!"
    • The way she looks at the camera and throws her hands up right after.
  • And then the entire skit of Sarah acting out being a stereotypical 50s housewife.
    • The silly faces she makes while vacuuming.
    • The rather suggestive moves she makes with the vacuum cleaner at one point.
    • Slowly sliding down the wall after folding the laundry.
"Mission Alpha"
  • Spencer flexing his non-muscles near the beginning.
  • Spencer putting his name and a copyright symbol on every title card in the video.
    • This extends to all four "Mission" episodes.
  • "Look, what I'm asking you to do is a very simple exercise that works the brachialis, the posterior deltoid, I... I... it's not that complicated."
  • The Expospeak Gag:
    Jonas: Hey Spence, can I ask you something, buddy? Have you ever rock climbed before? Or you know like, um, exercised or anything?
    Spencer: I actually can't because I have a condition called nociception, which can be exacerbated by a build-up of lactic acid. Especially when it's situated in my teres minor and lower trapezius.Translation 
  • Spencer's kangaroo hop.
  • Jonas subverting the point of the throw-and-climb by just climbing the tree and putting the rope around the branch, and Spencer's disappointed reaction.
  • The short Failure Montage of Jonas trying to throw the rope around the branch.
"Mission Beta"
  • This:
    Spencer: After this, he'll engage in a series of exercises used to challenge a man's serpentine coordination.
    ("Serpentine Coordination" title card appears on the screen)
  • Daniel screaming like a little girl when Spencer forces him to stretch further.
  • Spencer distracting Daniel by asking him about Sarah.
  • The trophy presentation:
    Spencer: Congratulations! (hands Daniel the trophy) Well earned, Danielbeast!
    Daniel: (examining the trophy) ...Is that a girl?
    Spencer: Uh, it might be.
"Mission Gamma"
  • Spencer's soccer referee uniform with a striped shirt, baggy dark red shorts, a matching sweatband, and high socks.
  • Spencer geeking out while listing off the classic video games he's having Taylor play.
    Sarah: What a strange little man.
  • The look Taylor gives the camera when Spencer says she didn't do very well.
  • Spencer and Taylor's celebration after she improves her performance.
    Sarah: I think my sister just met her future husband. (pause) That was the weirdest display of geekdom that I have ever seen, in my entire life.
  • Sarah's terrible rendition of "Star-Spangled Banner".
"Mission Possible"
  • Sarah's part in the mission is distracting the security guard... which doesn't quite go the way they planned, as it turns out the guard's boyfriend just broke up with him, leaving him a bawling wreck with no intervention.
  • This:
    Taylor: What are you doing?
    Spencer: (now wearing a black ski mask) If Jonas doesn't succeed, I'm goin' in.
    Taylor: (laughs, then abruptly stops) Oh my god, you're serious.
    • Then Spencer hands Taylor her disguise... a sock hat with a kitty face and ears on it.
  • The overdramatic way Spencer announces each phase of the mission.
"The Serum"
  • Spencer trolling Taylor:
    • First, revealing what their lab used to be:
      Spencer: Tell 'em, Taylor.
      Taylor: ...A morgue. (shakes her head)
      Spencer: Do I smell rotting flesh? (Taylor reacts with exasperation)
    • Then while mixing the serum:
      Taylor: Maybe I grinded up the wrong sample.
      (Spencer tastes a bit of the powder from the sample)
      Spencer: You idiot!
      Taylor: (alarmed) What? What did I do?
      Spencer: I'm just kidding. It's calcium, no big deal. (Taylor is not amused)
    • Then near the end:
      Spencer: Wait. What was that?
      Taylor: What was what?
      Spencer: That sound.
      Taylor: What?
      Spencer: Maybe it's a Watcher. (cracks a smile)
      Taylor: That's not even funny, Spencer! (Spencer starts laughing)
    Season 2 
"Back To Work"
  • The dancing turtle doll Spencer sets on Taylor's desk, and Taylor's reaction to it.
"Sexy Librarian ;)"
  • Sarah's entire opening monologue:
    Sarah: Okay, people. This... is Jack's truck. (camera shows a regular looking truck) Sexy, isn't it? (cut to Sarah walking up the steps) Okay. Now you have seen Jack's truck. Why don't we go and see some more of Jack? (Sarah opens the front door and sees a pair of boots) Oh! Well, those are Jack's boots. Granted, they're the same size as my boots, but, uh, no problem. (walks down the hallway and sees a gray shirt) And... that's... his shirt... and those are his pants... (pans down hallway to a pair of jeans on the floor) This is getting a little too cliche for my taste. (turns around corner and sees a belt outside her mom's bedroom door) Oh god... and that would be his belt. (pans camera on her own face) Mom?! Just... inappropriate!
"Hot Date"
  • The look on Mallory's face when Daniel jokingly says she thinks he's a "geek" who wouldn't make a good secret agent.
  • Daniel's monologue at the end, in a Black Comedy kind of way:
    Daniel: I lied to her. I mean, of course I lied to her! How am I supposed to follow up that Brady Bunch story of hers with "So, I stabbed a guy a while back, and he's probably dead, but I stabbed him because he was going after my friend, working for the Order. D-do you know what that is? Oh, well, the Order is like this crazy organization that killed my best friend. I couldn't save her. I tried, I did my best." How am I supposed to do that? It makes me sound like I'm crazy. (...) I just wonder if she's gonna like me after she finds out how fucked up my life is.
"Living With Girls""Stakeout... With a Girl"
  • This exchange:
    Jonas: I did get you your Splenda, but before I give it to you I want you to know that these things will kill you. And I'm not responsible for that.
    Sarah: Oh, you know nothing. They're completely natural. Just like my blonde hair!
  • Shortly thereafter, when the two of them are in the park:
    Sarah: So how we do even know that Creepy Carl and Sad-Sack Sonia are gonna be here today?
    Jonas: Based on what I overheard Sonia say to—
    Sarah: Hey, say that again.
    Jonas: What?
    Sarah: Say "Sad-Sack Sonia" three times fast.
"Robbing The Cradle"
  • The opening:
    Daniel: Griffith Observatory. Friday at 3. Stakeout. I should be at home right now, working on my short. Actually, I should have worked on it on last Wednesday with Mallory, but well, Mallory's... (smiles and gives the thumbs up) awe—
    (Jonas laughs)
    Daniel: What?
    Jonas: You're in love.
    Daniel: Aw, dude. Don't even say that.
    Jonas: (laughs) Oh yeah, she's cool. Also, Daniel has decided to make his love life just a little bit more interesting by agreeing to give both Sarah and Mallory acting roles in the film that you are, uh, supposed to be working on right now.
    Daniel: (laughs) You know what, it's cool. Because I know what I'm doing. I'm on it.
    Jonas: I hope you do. (mouths "He has no idea")
"My School Project"
  • Haley!Mallory being a Motor Mouth to a ridiculous degree.
  • The ninjas breaking into the kitchen... and getting a glass of water.
  • The sheer levels of Bad "Bad Acting".
  • This:
    Becca!Sarah: I have a question for you. What do you think of deforestation in third-world countries?
    Haley!Mallory: I think it's really good, (Becca!Sarah looks bewildered)
  • "NEENJAS?!"
  • The sheer cheesiness of Becca!Sarah and Ben!Daniel getting dangerous, with both of them doing a Glasses Pull and instantly changing into more combat-ready clothes. Followed by a glorious Fight Scene Failure.
"Carving Pumpkins"
  • Sarah riffing on "Somebody To Love" to Mallory at the beginning.
  • They finally make it home:
    Mallory: Can you help me bring in some groceries?
    Sarah: Of course! That's my favorite thing to do.
  • Sarah insisting on putting Daniel's picture as far from hers as possible.
  • The whole sequence of Sarah and Mallory carving their pumpkins.
  • The ending. Sarah is talking about how she's starting to like Mallory, and then:
    Sarah: (as Mallory sets a plant on the table) Mallory, what's that?
    Mallory: It's an orchid. I just thought there should be some life in this house.
    Sarah: Uh... who's gonna take care of it? W-we don't like living— we have fake plants.
    Mallory: I'll take care of it. I just figured I'd be here often enough to water it so... (walks out)
    Sarah: Oh, right... (to the camera) I take it all back.
"Behind the Bushes"
  • "YES! I'M THE FUCKING VOICE OF REASON!"
"They'll Do Anything""A Woman's Touch"
  • The look on Sarah's face when Mallory accidentally reveals that Sarah didn't tell her the real reason she invited her to the bar.
"What's Going On?"
  • The TAAG's encounter with the security guard:
    (TAAG goes running down the hallway, but the guard jumps in front of them and stops them)
    Guard: Hi, can I help you guys?
    Jonas: Uh, yeah, no, you can't. We're just going through.
    Guard: Uh, yeah, this is a private event. Can you stop filming?
    Guard: Are you on the list?
    Jonas: Yeah, of course we're on the list.
    Guard: What's the name?
    Jonas: Johnson. Bill Johnson. Check it out.
    Guard: Bill Johnson.
    Jonas: Bill. Johnson.
    Guard: (enters his booth, gestures to the TAAG) Stay there...
    Daniel: Yeah, no problem.
    Sarah: Of course, not gonna move... (takes off running down the hall, followed by the rest of the TAAG)
"Sarah and the City"
  • The opening:
    Sarah: Well, Daniel's off trying to be the next Martin Scorsese, and Taylor's back in Zavalla trying to be the next David Beckham, and Jonas is trying to be the next guy who... takes down a really big cult.
  • Shortly after:
    Sarah: Join me, won't you, on a tour of the City of Angels, Tinseltown, Jim Morrison's woman. Just as soon as I figure out the bus schedule.
  • "There is famous downtown L.A., home to the Staples Center... and other stuff."
  • Checking out L.A.'s nightlife:
    Sarah: Where's the velvet rope, the lines of size-zero, 800-dollar-Stella-McCartney-cocktail-dress-wearing starlet wannabees? I want my, uh, Lindsay, Paris, Britney... maybe they're inside.
    (cut to Sarah sitting inside a cheap bar)
    Sarah: Nope.
"The Ladies Room"
  • Jonas and Sarah's incredibly unconvincing portrayal of being a couple.
  • Sarah pointing out the improbability of finding incriminating evidence while snooping around the office.
  • The second encounter between Sarah and the office worker:
    Office Worker: Stay there, I'll call security. Stay right there. (walks away)
    Sarah: Yeah. Sure. Right. I won't... (runs off as soon as she's alone)
"Playing Doctor"
  • This:
    Jonas: Nothing against Mexico, but I swear I kissed the ground when we got back.
    Daniel: It's true. ...It was weird.
"Jennie Bares All"
  • The video description, written by Sarah:
  • "Well, we packed up the tents, put the tents on a truck, took the tents off the truck..."
  • This:
    Jennie: The Lullaby Project is like the sea monkey of medical complexes.
    Sarah: What?
    Jennie: What, you don't know what a sea monkey is?
    Sarah: No, I'm just a little surprised by the obscure reference.
    ...
    Jennie: (leaning toward the camera) I'm all about obscure.
"Emma's Choice"
  • Jonas pretending to be a game show host:
    Jonas: Welcome back to America's favorite show, "Asking Emma Questions".
  • "She's called a friend, Daniel. Let's hope he's smarter than he looks."
  • And then when she answers, we discover Daniel gave her the wrong answer on purpose:
    Emma: The mass of a proton... is... one-sixteenth of a pound.
    ...
    Emma: What?
    Jonas: I'm sorry, terribly sorry.
  • The ending:
    Jonas: Well, thanks for watching your favorite show, "Ask Emma Questions". We'll see you next time.
    (freeze-frame of Jonas pointing at the camera and winking)
"Germ Warfare Attack"
  • The ending:
    Daniel: (holding up the test tube) Ebola. (unscrews the lid, sniffs the contents, then drinks it and fakes choking and dying. He sits up and smiles.) Or... apple juice. Like I said, this guy's a total kook.
    Dr. Hart: Daniel, I'm not deaf, you know.
"Get Your Freak On"
  • The beginning:
    Emma: (using a plastic spoon as a microphone) Dr. Calvin Hart. Genius or freak?
    Dr. Hart: Can't I be both?
    Emma: (laughs) Well, you heard it here first, folks; this man is a genius-freak.
  • And the ending:
    Dr. Hart: ...as long as you stay positive.
"Bus-ted"
  • Sarah carrying an open umbrella, even though it's not raining.
    Daniel: Would you put this away? It's not even raining.
"Looking For A Date"
  • Daniel literally dresses like a clown to infiltrate Verdus' corporate office. And it works.
  • The ridiculous voice he sings with.
  • Ted McKinley not only using a dating site at work, but leaving his password manager open while logged in.
"Beer Bath"
  • The drunken Jonas pretending to be a game show host, asking mock questions about how stupid he was to trust Dr. Hart.
  • This from near the start of the "show":
    Jonas: For you, all the people at their computers. (quiet chant) "People at their computers, people at their computers, people at their computers!" (normally) Shhhhh, shhh, shhhh!
  • "...Jonas was A) very suspicious, B) a little bit concerned, or C) TOTALLY FUCKING CLUELESS!"
  • After the second one of those, it really starts to veer in Tear Jerker territory, however.
"Am I A Criminal?"
  • "If you're gonna B&E, you wanna bring the T&A."
  • Sarah's story for why she's in McKinley's apartment:
    Sarah: Right. Well, okay, I'm staying next door, in five. And the thing is my girlfriend left the door open and my cat got out, so I've been wandering around the complex for the last two hours trying to find it. Ah, uh, God, I'm so sorry, and I saw the door was open—you left the door open—and, uh, so, yeah, um, I just kind of wandered in here praying to God Sniffles was here, and, uh, been looking around—I'm just so sorry.
    • And then the fake name she gives him? Kat.
  • McKinley's very obvious attraction to Sarah.
    Season 3 
"4 Girls, 2 Guys""Playing With Wood"
  • Sarah referring to coffee as "salvation".
  • Sarah and Daniel both complaining about each other's snoring.
  • This exchange:
    Sarah: So tell me, is that a red oak or a nice soft maple?
    Gina: Pine.
    Sarah: Of course. Excellent, excellent choice. (to the camera) What the hell is she building?
    • For an added bonus, maple isn't a soft wood.
  • Then there's what happens when Gina finishes the bench. She goes back into the house, blowing past Sarah ("And I thought her sister was mental..."), and then comes back out with a book, and simply sits on the bench to read it.
    Sarah: (realizing what Gina's message is) Well played, Gina. Well played.
"Cat Fight!"
  • Daniel's tone makes the opening more amusing than it has any real right to be, and then he says this:
    Daniel: (as Sarah climbs in the van) Yeeeah. Ever since Jennie's last video, these two have been standing on the edge of whoop-ass canyon, ready to jump in. (glances at the van) I think I need reinforcements.
  • Sarah and Jennie's entire argument in the grocery store.
  • Daniel buying a six-pack of beer at the end:
    Sarah: Daniel, do you really think that's a good idea?
    Daniel: Don't worry, it's not for me.
"Hot Tubbing"
  • Drunk Jennie is hilarious.
  • Jonas falling into the hot tub.
    Jennie: Smooth, buddy.
"Hangover Hell"
  • Daniel's Russian accent.
  • Sarah's deliberately overdramatic reaction to Gina's first two drawings:
    Sarah: Oh my god. Gina drew a picture of... a leaf. What? Holy shit. You guys, do you see this? It's a bowl of fruit!
"Spicing Things Up"
  • "Alas, the master... so he sinks and sinks and sinks and sinks and sinks and sinks and sinks and sinks and sinks and sinks and sinks and sinks... So he sinks - in DEATH." (flashes her skull wristband)
  • Sarah trying to get Daniel's attention.
  • This:
    Daniel: So here's the deal. As you know, we all saw that video the Shadow posted last night.
    (Sarah suddenly puts a stuffed toy squirrel on Daniel's shoulder)
    Sarah: (in a silly voice) Daniel!
  • Later:
    Daniel: Sometimes... I think you have problems.
    Sarah: (putting the squirrel in Daniel's face) Oh I know I do. But it's all part of my charm. (has the squirrel kiss Daniel)
  • It then cuts to Sarah saying "I love you" in her squirrel voice while she has the squirrel kiss Daniel over and over, and then the Mood Whiplash happens.
"Tangled Web"
  • Jonas' "cowboy" accent and cowboy hat.
  • Jennie's flirting with Jonas.
    Jennie: You are right. So, here's an idea. I think we should start by, um, looking under your shirt.
"Spanish Princess""Coffee and Donuts"
  • "Carl thinks he's some kind of Don Juan and wrote her a special letter. In espanol.".
  • Jonas talking about Carl's new charity, Sacred Spirit:
    Jonas: And guess who their number-one friend [on MySpace] is? Well, actually, their number-one friend is Tom. But guess who their number-two friend is? (...) Carl!
  • Daniel and Jonas are on a stakeout, but now they have donuts.
  • Daniel messes with Jonas while he's asleep by putting his donuts over his chest like they're breasts. And then Jonas wakes up while he's doing this.
  • Daniel's sheer denial about Sarah and Carl's relationship and his feelings about it.
"Hostage Crisis"
  • Sarah's imagination of how Daniel's head would explode.
  • Sarah getting ready for her date, especially fake-hanging herself with the necklace.
"Stock Options"
  • Jonas putting his hand on Gina's leg, then self-conciously looking at the camera (which is being held by Jennie), taking his hand off, and whispering "What?"
  • Carl finally shows up:
    Jennie: (sighs) Oh, hey Carl.
    Carl: (smiling) Oh, hey. (walks into the house)
    Jennie: (deadpan) Oh, just... come on in. (eyeroll)
"Fries And A Shakedown"
  • Sarah calling Carl a cheapskate and then flopping backward on the bed.
  • This:
    Sarah: You drive a BMW. I just thought that we'd go somewhere to eat that, you know, we didn't have to eat off of a carboard tray. I guess I just expected something more from a man on the Verdus payroll.
  • After we see Carl tell off Sarah for using lunch as an excuse for interrogating him, we cut back to her in her bedroom:
    Sarah: He may be pretty... (leans toward the camera; in a Texan accent) But he ain't dumb.
"A Stranger Calls"
  • Seeing the TAAG talk about their favorite American Idol contestants and who they think is the hottest is quite entertaining.
  • Then when Daniel and Jonas go back into the house:
    Jonas: You know, you're right, Carly is kinda cute.
"Bathroom Talk"
  • Jennie's vlogging from the bathroom when Sarah barges in:
    Jennie: Sarah...
    Sarah: What? I gotta go.
    Jennie: Can I have some privacy, please?
    Sarah: Yeah, I'll give you some privacy. (looks puzzled) In the bathroom, with a video camera. (smiles and nods) Kinky! What's the matter, Jonas not up to the task?
    Jennie: Heh, heh...
    Sarah: (sticks her tongue out) (mockingly) Heh heh.
    Jennie: That's not what this is about. (Sarah makes a goofy face) And nice... lame joke.
    Sarah: Kidding! (closes the door and walks off)
  • Then she comes back after Jonas shows up, wearing only his underwear:
    Jonas: ...It's the middle of the night.
    Sarah: (coming in over his arm) Then why are we all up?
    Jonas: Sarah... could you give us a sec, please?
    Sarah: Mm, okay. Whatever. Just don't forget to use a love glove, okay? (pats Jonas' abs, gives Jennie a look, and walks off)
"Shop of Horrors!!!"
  • Jonas goes over their plan:
    Jonas: Okay, Sarah's gonna distract the storeowner with, uh, a long conversation.
    (camera pans over to Sarah)
    Sarah: What?
    Jonas: Shouldn't be too hard.
    Sarah: I'm just doing my part.
  • Jennie points out the obvious hole in the plan:
    Jennie: I mean, what if the shop owner's a woman?
    Daniel: Then we'll be right back.
  • After they finish the theft:
    Sarah: Okay, I should be in the CIA, because that was, officially, a piece of cake!
"Adios Amigos"
  • Sarah's impressions of the rest of the TAAG.
    • As Jonas and Jennie:
      Jonas!Sarah: Hi, I'm Jonas. AKA Captain America! (strikes a pose) I like to fight the Order, with my shirt off if possible. Hey Jennie, what's up?
      Jennie!Sarah: Oh, not much. (twirls her hair) I'm just trying to save the world. (runs right up to the camera) Jonas, will you kiss me? (puckers up and makes kissing sounds)
    • As Daniel:
      Sarah: Yo, I'm Daniel. I totally love coming in second place all the time. Has anyone seen Gina? I wanna drool on her.
    • And as Gina:
      Sarah: I'm Gina, and I'm vewwy, vewwy sad, all the time. (fakes crying) Boo-hoo.
"Casting Couch"
  • The TAAG try out to see which one of them should infiltrate Salinas' campaign, and it is glorious.
    • Jonas' audition:
      (Jennie opens the door and Jonas is looking up at something)
      Jonas: (startled) Oh, hi! I'm here to talk to today about, uh, Edward Salinas. He's runnin' for U.S. Congress... and, uh, well, he's, uh— (adjusts his tie) Y'know, j- he's just got a lot of great policies. (fake laughs) Yeah, he sure does. (checks his notes) Um... I j- I- He's got a lot of great ideas. About, uh, y'know... school. Children. (checks notes) He wants to let them — lead the way. (checks notes again) Show them all the, you know. The beauty they possess ins- I suck at this, don't I?
    • Daniel's:
      (Daniel hits the doorbell a bunch of times, and Sarah opens the door)
      Daniel: Hi! (checks Sarah out) Wow. That's a lovely dress, ma'am. Speaking of lovely, have you heard of this lovely fellow? (shows his clipboard with a sheet of paper reading "EDWARD SALINAS = AWESOME / E = Excellent / S = Super!!") He's running for U.S. Congress and he's here to make some awesome changes for you! Well, not for you, for your community, because (starts cracking up, as does Sarah) why would you want to change who you are? (Sarah laughs) Right.
      Sarah: Next!
    • Sarah's:
      (Gina opens the door to reveal Sarah in a low-cut dress with a campaign button pinned between her breasts)
      Sarah: Oh! Hey there. (leans on the doorframe, and Gina zooms in on her cleavage briefly) I was wondering if you would interested in hearing about a man named Edward Salinas. He's the man with a plan and it's a big one. Oh, it surely is. He wants to build a... stronger community. The strongest, firmest, hardest community. (Gina snorts, and Sarah cracks up) What?
      Gina: (laughing) No!
    • Gina's:
      (Sarah opens the door to reveal Gina in a baseball cap wearing a fake mustache)
      Gina: (in a ridiculous Southern accent) Well howdy, sir. How are you? (Sarah laughs and Gina cracks up, normal voice) Shh! Shh! I need to be serious here for a minute, so... (takes a deep breath and then holds up an Anti-Order poster, southern accent) Here are some campaign materials that I think you should take a look at. So, can I interest you in this total psycho who's trying to kill one of us? Hmm, can I? Yep? Hmm? Yeah?
      Sarah: (deadpan) Ummm... that would be a "no".
"Backyard Bikini Patrol"
  • The opening:
    Sarah: So, ever since Emma got back, it's official: girls rule. See we have a 2-to-1 ratio, so if ever there's a vote, we win. Today we voted we get the outside all to ourselves, no boys allowed.
  • Gina's reaction when Sarah says Daniel was never right for her.
"Partner Swap"
  • Emma walks in on Daniel while he's on the couch, intently reading a magazine:
    Emma: Hey.
    Daniel: (looks up) Hey. (casually tosses the magazine behind the couch)
  • Then they get to talking:
    Emma: I want a no-holds-barred, real-world confessional booth breakdown.
    Daniel: Of course you do. Yeah, totally. (smiles)
    Emma: Minus the skankitude, thank you.
    Daniel: Ah, okay. (Emma laughs) Well, if you really wanna know...
    Emma: Yeah?
    Daniel: I'm going stag.
    Emma: Really?
    Daniel: Yeah.
    Emma: That's not what I heard.
    Daniel: What do you mean that's not what you heard?
  • After a flashback to the previous day:
    Daniel: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, who told you about that?
    Emma: Let's just say someone's been a little too lax about switching out new tapes?
    Daniel: Aww, yeah, I wonder who that could've been? I think, uh...
    Emma: Uh-huh.
    Daniel: (points at himself) Me, maybe? Just poss— yeah. Shit.
  • Daniel stumbling over asking Sarah out.
  • Back to Daniel and Jonas discussing their prom plans the day before:
    Daniel: Maybe I could ask Emma, you know. If that's cool with you.
    Jonas: No. No. No way, man.
    Daniel: Okay.
    Jonas: Listen to me, and listen to me good. You are not gonna date my sister.
  • "I don't know why, but finding a date to this prom should not be harder than fighting a secret cult bent on world domination, but... it is. I suck at this."
"Hidden Treasures"
  • Jennie's face after she strums the (badly out-of-tune) harp.
  • Jonas putting on the hat that was in the suitcase.
"In The Closet"
  • Jonas briefly pretends to be a game show host yet again:
    Jonas: Why don't you just tell our viewers at home what we've won for a long, long drive across country?
    Taylor: (laughs) Well, Jonas, you've won the very exciting opportunity to commit yet another felony to add to that long list of felonies you guys have racked up lately.
  • Then right after, Daniel decides to try and hop the gate leading into the courtyard... and Taylor opens the latch and pushes it open while he's still in mid-climb.
  • Jonas prepares to kick down a locked door when:
    Taylor: Jonas, stop.
    Jonas: What! What?
    Taylor: This door sticks. (fiddles with it and opens it)
    Jonas: Oh...
    Taylor: Not everyone padlocks their doors, guys.
    Jonas: (gives the camera a funny look) Sorry.
  • This right at the end:
    Daniel: Wait... your dad's an undertaker?
    Sarah: (casually) Yeah.
    Anchor Cove 
"I can't get away from lonelygirl15"
  • Emma setting up the camera so that it cuts Daniel's head out of the shot. And then she tries to fix it... and barely moves it an inch, forcing Daniel to adjust it himself.
  • Right after a fairly intense discussion, Daniel collects himself, then gives Emma a look, and then:
    Emma: (breaks out laughing) What?
    Daniel: (laughing) You know, I hate you.
    Emma: Good! (laughs) Hell, I gotta light a little fire under your butt sometimes.
  • Then Daniel insists on doing things his way, leading to this:
    Emma: And what's that?
    Daniel: Well... first of all—
    Emma: Playing Pokémon GO?
    Daniel: No! (they both smile and Emma laughs)
    Emma: Yeah, that's what—
    Daniel: Why are you calling me out about Pokemon?
    Emma: (talking over him) Because that's what you all the time. (to the camera) And then we're gonna go to the next interview and he's gonna find some rares. And I'm gonna be the one interviewing everybody and he's gonna be like "Oh! Look what I found!"
    (Daniel looks away, then at the camera with a very tight smile)
    Emma: (laughs) I'm sorry.
    Daniel: (smiling) I hate you.
"Daniel: What are you waiting for?""He was NOT happy to see us."
  • Emma and Daniel having a rather childish argument over whether Daniel is a good driver or not.
  • Emma explains that they're on their way to see who lives at the address M left them in the previous video. Then:
    Emma: Is that weird?
    Daniel: For us? (shakes his head and mouths "Nah")
    Emma: Nah. You're right. It's never weird.
    Daniel: Never... weird...
  • Emma winking and smiling at the camera, then Daniel tells her to take some scenery shots so he can cut them in later.
  • This sequence:
    Emma: I'm gonna go inside. You want anything?
    Daniel: Um... (long pause)
    Emma: You want, like, some Ice Breakers Sours Gum? (cracks up)
    (Daniel gives her a Death Glare)
  • Spencer just noping out of there as soon as he sees who his equally-shocked visitors are:
  • The exchange in the description:
    Mother, WTF?
    - DB
    I mean, what can I say? I bring people together.
    - M
"Paranoid Much?"
  • When Spencer shows up:
    Spencer: Turn the camera off.
    Daniel: What? ...Alright, man, alright, I'll turn it off. I'll turn it off. (lowers it, tilts it up, and fakes turning it off)
    Spencer: Come on, it's not off. What do you think, I'm new?
    Daniel: (chuckling) Okay. I will turn it off. (fakes turning it off again)
    Spencer: Look, I don't— I don't know who sent you to me, but... I don't want any part of this.
    Daniel: ...Okay. I hear you. (Spencer glances at the camera, then glances again) It's just...
    Spencer: (gesturing at the camera) Come on, man, it's still not off.
    Daniel: Alright, I'll turn it off. (Daniel fakes turning it off yet again)
    Spencer: Turn. It. Off. Look, I even got a weird phone call, someone whispering, "I'm watching you." This isn't funny— (looks at the camera and points) Turn it off.
    Daniel: Alright, I'll turn it off. (turns it off for real)

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