- "Can everyone stop getting shot?!"
- "Get the fucking guns!" "Why do I have to get the fucking guns? YOU get the fucking guns!"
- The Traffic Warden Scenes, all of them.
- The cockney-narrated anecdote about Rory Breaker is amusing by itself, but the subtitles really make it hilarious.Geezer: Now FACK OFF and watch it somewhere else!Subtitles: "Please remove yourself from this bar."
- The funniest part? The football game that Rory set someone on fire to watch the end of had a final score of 4-0 for his team, meaning there was no possible way they could have lost.
- No, the funniest part is listening to a hardened, manly British gangster say to his equally hardened, manly friend, with an utterly straight face, the words "Ping-pong tiddly".
- The stoned girl in the couch wakes up, grabs the BFG lying on the ground and starts shooting everything.
- Tom's initial plan to come up with the money by scamming people... using fake dildo advertisements.
- Big Chris interrogating a guy in a tanning bed.
- And then dope slapping him for swearing in front of his son.
- The rest of the gang's reaction to Soap's speech on knife use
- During the shootout that wipes out both Rory's and Dog's gangs, Dog who is standing outside opens the door... and gets sprayed with blood, leading him to close it back.
- On each of Nick The Greek's visits to Rory the latter's henchman Lenny gets Nick a drink. On the first visit, Nick drops his drink on a glass table, shattering the glass and dumping it on the floor. On the second visit, Nick tries to place his drink on the table, but the glass hasn't been replaced yet, so it falls on the floor. On the third visit he starts to give Nick the drink before backing off when realising that Rory is unleashing the mother of bollockings on Nick.Rory: Is this some white cunt joke that black cunts don't get? Because I'm not fucking laughing Nicholas!
- Eddie insisting on making a kettle of tea in Dog's hideout while they are waiting to rob the gang, claiming the British Empire never went to war without a cup of tea. He is then asked with what they plan to go to war with as Eddie forgot the guns, making him run to get them in embarassment.
- The morning after their successful heist of Dog's gang the boys are driving back home, cracking improv jokes on each other - we don't hear the punchlines as the scenes are intercut with the hell that's about to be unleashed at their digs, but in some bonus material on the DVD the dwarf & hooker gag is told in full. And it's brilliant.
- Bacon's consfused reaction to his cocktail:Bacon: What's that?Barman: It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.Bacon: No. I said, "Could you bring me a refreshing drink?" I wasn't expecting a fuckin' rainforest. You could fall in love with an orangatan in there.Barman: Look, if you want a pint, go to the pub.Bacon:...I thought this was a pub?Barman: It's a Samoan pub.
Funny / Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels