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Funny / Loaded Weapon 1

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  • Colt is looking at a gun centerfold in the convenience store. Some cameras on sticks pop up behind him and spy on him. Colt turns his head and the cameras look away and act innocent. When Colt goes back to the magazine, the cameras go back to looking over his shoulder.
  • The two thugs who rob the convenience store:
    Thug: (holds up pantyhose in a can) Excuse me, do you have any of these in taupe?
    Clerk: No taupe. Beef jerky.
    Thug: And you call this a convenience store?! (he and the other thug put on stockings to conceal their faces and pull out guns) Open up the cash register or I'll splatter your brains!
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  • Jigsaw shoots York after she spills the beans on McCracken:
    Jigsaw: Is that... Dan McCracken... or Mike McCracken?
    York: Mike.
    Jigsaw: (shoots her again, and starts to leave, but turns around) Is he on Alpine, or Oak?
    York: Alpine.
    Jigsaw: (shoots her again and starts to leave)
    York: Hey! Psst.... park on third, you'll never find a spot on Alpine.
    Jigsaw: Thank you! You have been most cooperative.
    York: Don't mention it.
    Jigsaw: (shoots her one last time; to a sitting blind man as he leaves) And you, remember: You saw... nothing.
  • Dr. Leacher's prison cell has a Garfield windshield suction cup on the glass.
  • Dr. Leacher's mad deduction skills:
    Dr. Leacher: Hai Karate. You wear that sometimes, don't you? But not (sniffs) today. (sniffs) Today, it's... mentholated deep heat rub. (Luger looks embarrassed) You order a chef salad with dressing on the side. You have a young, attractive wife with perky breasts, a nine year old son and a sixteen year old daughter.
    Luger: (stands up) Who told you that?!
    Dr. Leacher: I saw that picture in your wallet.
    Luger: ...Oh. (sits back down)
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  • This line from Dr. Leacher about Mortars: "Seek him out, and when you find him... please: I would love to eat his cookies. With some fava beans and a nice, chilled Fresca. (sloppy licks his lips)"
    Colt: I just gotta ask: What does human flesh taste like?
    Leacher: Chicken.
  • Luger giving the valet (played by Charlie Sheen !) a tip:
    Valet: Got anything smaller?
    Luger: Keep it.
    Valet: Anything larger?
    Luger: (intimidating) Yeah.
  • General Mortars's introduction:
    Mortars: (looking at McCracken's fish tank] Sea-Monkeys?
    McCracken: ...Piranha.
    Mortars: Their lives exude a beautiful simplicity: Savage, ruthless, existing only to devour and destroy, to taste blood, to rend flesh. Sounds like me, right? (giggles, then sticks his face in the tank, causing a fury of bubbles. A few seconds later his face emerges from the tank holding a piranha in his teeth. Mortars laughs triumphantly- Jigsaw rolls his eyes- and Mortars spits the piranha back into the tank)
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  • Outside Squealer's Hotel, Colt and Luger are dealing with a shooter in a window. One cop shoots back, against his orders:
    Luger: Who fired that shot?!
    Cop: (meekly) Sarge... that was me...
    Luger: Gimme the gun.
    Cop: But sarge-
    Luger: Give me. The gun. (he sheepishly hands it over) Now when you learn to follow orders, you can have it back.
    Davis: (snickers)
    Luger: OH, so we think that's funny, do we, Officer... (looks at his badge) Davis? Well, maybe we'd all like to know what's so funny! Maybe Officer Davis can make us all laugh!
    Davis: (after a beat, he walks up to an already-set up stand-up stage) Nice to see all those smiling faces out there! Say, whaddya call 2,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start! (Rimshot; he laughs at his own joke) Hey, why'd a guy give a name to his penis? He didn't want a stranger making most of his decisions! (laughs)
    Luger: (to another cop, disgusted) Make sure he don't get any donuts.
  • When Colt and Luger enter the Squealer's Hotel where York was supposed to go:
    Hotel clerk: What is it with you guys? I run a respectable place! What are you arrestin' ME for? I got friends downtown. I don't know what you're talkin' about!
    Luger: We haven't said anything yet.
  • While looking for the informant in the Squealer's Hotel, they find a guy running down the hall:
    Luger: HEY YOU! (the man stops; Colt and Luger approach) NOT so fast. (the man walks normally) That's better.
  • The part where Becker is shot.
    Becker: Give it to me straight. Is this it? The big check out? Level with me: How bad is it?
    Luger: It's not bad. You'll be fine. You'll be back on your feet in no time. (gives thumbs up)
    (Becker smiles; suddenly he's zipped up in a body bag and casually tossed in the morgue van)
  • Leaving a crime scene, Luger and Colt's car is blown up when the valet goes to retrieve it.
    Colt: Good thing we used valet parking.
    Luger: Taxi!
    [Taxi explodes]
    Colt: Guess we're making somebody nervous. Tell you what, it's gonna take a lot more than a couple of car bombs to get us off this case.
    Luger: Not a hell of a lot more.
  • During the Basic Instinct parody, Destiny turns around in her swivel chair and it cuts to the excited cops in the bleachers; when it cuts back to Destiny, she's been replaced by a stuffed beaver holding a cigarette, with the caption, "GRATUITIOUS BEAVER SHOT".
    • And what follows:
    Luger: ...We've detained Ms. Demeanor long enough. Uh, you can go now. Sorry to have troubled you.
    Destiny: Oh no trouble, detectives. But I'm gonna need transportation home. Anybody wanna give me a ride?
    (all the underwear-only male cops in the room excitedly raise their hands and say variants of "Pick me!")
    Colt: (pulls out a gun at the crowd) Back off!
  • Luger arrives to find Colt being held hostage by Jigsaw:
    Jigsaw: Drop your gun, Mr. Luger.
    Luger: I don't have one.
    Jigsaw: (skeptically) You are not carrying a weapon?
    Luger: I don't believe in 'em.
    Jigsaw: (kicks Colt's gun over to Luger) Pick up the gun. (Luger picks it up) DROP THE GUN, Mr. Luger!
  • Luger's exaggerated shaking after his flashback to a traumatic incident involving York being "held up" by a mime.
  • When Colt is trying to disarm a bomb on the docks: "All right, Becker, that's it! (grabs one of the wires, which reads "Becker") This one's got your name written all over it!"
  • This random moment.
  • Luger's teenage daughter playing footsie with Colt. Soon after, Luger's son and the family dog join in.
  • The parody of the "comparing scars" scene in Lethal Weapon 3:
    Destiny: (looking at finger) Painful cuticle.
    Colt: You think that's painful? (touches face) Razor burn.
    Destiny: (holds belly) Retaining water.
    Colt: (pulls up shirt, showing scars) Nickle beer night, Dodger Stadium.
    Destiny: And these... (pointing to scars on abdomen) Vietnam?
    Colt: (shakes head) Parochial school. Grenade... (rips arm off) Riot at a Love Connection taping.
    Destiny: That's nothing. (pulls back hair on head) Plate in my head? Elective surgery. I was a fool.
    Colt: Try this: (pulls open chest, revealing hamster running on wheel) Low budget organ transplant.
  • When helicopters arrive at Colt's trailer, Destiny shouts over the noise, "Do you hear something?" Colt replies, "NAH!"
  • Bruce Willis reprises his role as John McClane, giving us one hell of a One-Scene Wonder when his trailer is blown up by Mortar's helicopter goons:
    McClane: (emerging from the rubble waving a white surrender flag) What the hell are you doing?!
    Guy in helicopter: Is this 1014 Pacific Coast Highway?
    McClane: (holds hand to ear) HUH?!
    Guy in helicopter: 1014 Pacific Coast Highway.
    McClane: NO! This is 814 Pacific Coast Highway! 1014 is two blocks up that way!
    Guy in helicopter: Sorry! My mistake!
    McClane: Yeah! No problem! No problem!
  • After Luger flashes back to why he became such a By-the-Book Cop (he took a break from helping people cross the street early and an old woman got hit by a semi), Colt rubs it in:
    Colt: You were a crossing guard? You guys were all geeks!
    Luger: And what's your problem? You got some kind of death wish?
    Colt: (narrating) If he only knew, it was Claire who lived life on the edge...
    (flashes back to Colt and Claire sitting next to a grill on the beach; Claire squirts a bunch of lighter fluid in it, causing an explosion)
  • Jigsaw confronting Colt in the climax by saying 'I've been waiting for you' and have him stand up from a seat, a VCR-TV setup and a pile of junkfood.
    • Even funnier, the big fight scene is incredibly short-lived, with Jigsaw falling off a ledge after only a couple attacks. He also misses his mark on the Chalk Outline, so he slides over to it.
  • In the climax, Luger shoots at Mortars. Colt (standing next to Mortars) bends over and exclaims, "Owwww!.... Just kidding."
  • Becker shows up in the ending, and the characters are indifferent towards him compared to Destiny and Claire surviving. He tells them that he'll grow on them, "like a rash."

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