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Funny / Linkara Riffs

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     Word to the Wives 
  • "I'll never find a hat as nice as Linkara's."
  • Housewife: Remember, I haven't got your dream kitchen to make things easier. Mine's strictly the nightmare type.
    Linkara: Rotting carcasses, blood oozing from the walls, and the garbage disposal isn't working!
  • The constant mockery of just how incompetent the father is.
    Linkara: I think the problem here has less to do with husbands, and more to do with George.
  • His disgust at a dish being made with grape jelly and mustard, which he turns into a Running Gag on other episodes.

     Holiday from Rules? 
  • "I love how the title is uncertain about this: is it a holiday from rules?"
  • This:
    Narrator: Maybe you would like to find out just what it would be like if there were no rules.
    Kid: But how can we do that?
    Linkara: (as narrator) Well you see son, I'm the Devil!
  • "Yeah, you can't have fun in cold places. Living in Minnesota, I would know."
  • "Let's play another game. Maybe one where rules aren't so important." "Dudes, Calvinball!"
  • "Sharks do not obey the laws of man."
  • (singing) I'll...make a man...out of you!
  • The hamster scene:
    Linkara: (as hamster) Oh god, just put me out of my misery now, the crew hasn't fed me for three weeks! (the hamster escapes) FREEDOOOM!
  • Kid: There's no rule saying he can't kill himself if he wants to.
    Linkara: OH, GOOD GOD!
  • The kids play follow the leader, but one boy doesn't jump over a log, merely walks over it, and is called out on it:
    Girl: Go to the end of the line.
    Boy: Who said so?
    Girl: That's the way you play, it's a...
    Narrator: (interrupting) A rule, Penny?
    Linkara: (as Penny) SHUT UP, OLD MAN, I'M TALKING!
  • "Obey the rules, kids, or else your childhood will end in misery, and a Lord of the Flies-esque scenario will ensue. Kill the pig and drink its blood, kids!"

     The Bottle and the Throttle 
  • "Sid Davis Productions, because we couldn't think of a better name."
  • "The Bottle and the Throttle: the gripping love story of our time."
  • Upon seeing a caption that the film was produced in cooperation with the Culver City, California police department: "But not in cooperation with Culver's restaurants. They want you to drink and drive."
    • And when that screen was still on after a few seconds
      Linkara: Yes, I think were sober enough to read that, can you move on- *screen changes* oh.
  • "Flannel shirts happen to everyone, Bill."
  • His constant joking of the narrator's strange drawl.
    Narrator: Alcohol is not a stimulant, but a sedative.
    Linkara: (as the narrator) As you may have noticed I've taken a few sedatives myself.
  • When the narrator mentions how you make unwise decision, driving while drunk.
    Linkara: (as narrator) Like activating your rocket jets and revealing your secret alien technology.
  • This:
    "You see here, Bill here has a sickness. A sickness called 'homosexuality'."
    "Oh geez the narrator is going off about them again! Did you take away his whiskey?"
    "If you want to learn more about the homosexual, check out my other short called 'Boys Beware'."
  • "And now we go into the Tony Stark scale of drunkenness."
  • When Bill slams his foot on the breaks before his accident:
  • This:
    Narrator: It was shown that, after a three-ounce drink, it took as much as twelve seconds for a person to regain his normal sight after being blinded by the lights of an oncoming car.
    Linkara: (as narrator) In the meantime, you have superhuman sight, like the 3D glasses in They Live.
  • On the screen, the following text is displayed: ".05% = Hazard 2"...
  • When a bar is shown during the film...
    Linkara: Bart Simpson's gonna crank-call this place any second now.
  • This:
    Narrator: We are all aware that alcohol and gasoline don't mix.
    Linkara: (as narrator) But it does make for one hell of a cocktail.
  • In the end, as Bill is being arrested, Linkara parodies the closing of Dragnet:
    "Bill was tried in superior court, County of Los Angeles, on two counts of third degree flannel shirt. In a moment, the results of that trial."

     Let's Be Good Citizens at School 
  • His constant mocking of how the film keeps skipping frames: "Geez, at the rate we're losing frames, this short's gonna be over in two minutes."
    • Culminating in this joke at the end:
      Linkara: And remember: being a good citizen is about parents who make cookies, or if your name is Harvey. Barring that, you could always— Or even just— Thank you and good ni—.
  • Narrator: Susan makes sure she has the right book on her desk.
    Linkara: Uh-oh, that's actually the Communist Manifesto!
  • "Oh, yeah, I can see a real range of individual art styles here."
  • At one point the narrator remarks that one girl's artwork "looks gay and pretty."
    Linkara: (laughs) Oh, nineteen-fifty-three.
  • Narrator: Sometimes, the children of Ms. Hill's room are doing different things.
    Linkara: Inappropriate things.

     Just a Spark 
  • "Just a Spark: The Vapora story!"
  • "They must have been really proud of this title card."
  • When a character starts speaking with a French accent, Linkara remarks: "Benzaie!".
  • "Even when he's actually in the water, he instinctively sends his line towards ground."
  • "Yup. Gondor is definitely signaling for help."
  • "Oh, thank God the Stock Footage will stop the fire."
  • "You know, I don't believe this is a real forest fire. It looks nothing like the one from Birdemic."
  • "Geez, how is a 9-minute short rivaling Manos for the number of driving shots?"
  • "This is the worst Fast and the Furious movie since the last one."
  • "Oh no, Bill from The Bottle and the Throttle is behind the wheel again!"

     Beginning to Date 
  • About 5 minutes in, the protagonist thinks about what he'll say as he gets to the door.
    Narrator: His next problem is, what to say when he gets to Helen's door?. Bill wonders who's going to open the door.
    Linkara: I masturbate to your picture every night— (the father answers the door) Oh.
    Narrator: ...Now let's do it again, and suppose that Helen opened the door.
    Linkara: I masturbate to your father's picture every night-- (Helen answers the door) Oh.
  • "Comic books? Who the hell talks about comic books?"

     The Gossip 
  • Young America Films. "As opposed to 'Senile Canadian Films.'"
  • "My god, Centron and Young American finally have a crossover!"
  • "Just a few more hours until I can drink." "But it's eight thirty!" "I know what I said!"
  • Whenever a character yells "You didn't! You didn't!" Linkara can be heard yelling "Did too! Did too!!"

     What about School Spirit? 
  • "Discussion problems in group living. Also known as, 'pay your half of the rent or I'm kicking you out of the apartment!'"
  • "Exposition is go!"
  • "The smile of a man who licks your photograph every night."
  • "School spirit equals modest cheerleader outfits."
  • All the jokes about how they talk up Bob Corby as the best person ever.

     Thought for Food & Arranging a Buffet Supper 
  • "My thought for food is that I wish jam was more convenient. Like being handy or something."
  • "They fight a lot, but stay together because the sex is fantastic."
  • Narrator: Good morning, Mrs. Homemaker.
    Linkara!Wife: Up yours, mailman.
  • Narrator: …Laboratories have competent workers for the making of practically every known chemical, physical, bacteriological, and biological test.
    Linkara: Some day, we'll find the perfect balance of grape jelly and mustard.
  • Narrator: These peaches are going to be analyzed and tested for quality, quantity, and everything else.
    Linkara: "Everything else" includes how they feel when placed on genitals.
  • Narrator: [The taste testers] put the final stamp of practical approval on the activities of this modern organization.
    Linkara: And then you just skip it, and go out to Denny's for Baconalia anyway.
  • Narrator: He puts [the flour samples] through a series of tests. But the most interesting of all is how he determines the protein content of the flour.
    Linkara: Unless he shoves it up his nose, I doubt it's that interesting.
  • His surprise at the "Thought for Food" short cutting off mid-sentence due to it being incomplete.
  • Narrator: She has learned that what is correct in terms of etiqutte is also highly practical and logical.
    Linkara: Like not sticking your spoon into another person's ear.
  • The Call-Back to the "Thought for Food" short:
    Narrator: …how [the buffet] should be served, and what preparations she should make for arranging a buffet supper table.
    Linkara: Step one: weigh her peaches.
  • Narrator: …since the guests will eat informally, eating wherever they wish to seat themselves.
    Linkara: One guest will take up permanent residence on the toilet.
  • The Running Gag about how everything needs to be simple.

  • "Oh, hi there. Didn't see you come in, probably because I'm talking to a camera."
  • Linkara: Ah, my favorite Christmas movie. The British Board of Film Censors.
    Willnote : Isn't this the one where, at the end of the film, the censors learn the true meaning of Christmas and decide to stop censoring work?
    Linkara: You know it.
    Amethystnote : So why is there a ghostly apparition of a book over other books?
    Linkara: Well, to avoid appearing racist, this movie's version of Marley is played by a book.
  • When the opening credits is shown by having some one flipping through pages of the Book.
    Amethyst: We decided that the best way to adapt the book would be to just film a guy flipping through it, page by page!
  • The three of them singing to "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" during the opening credits. Linkara gets to the last line and starts to call the movie a "piece of sh—" when the other two cut him off and say, "Hey, it's Christmas!"
  • Their remarks at the off-key rendition of "The First Noel" at the beginning, such as:
    Will: A mating moose Christmas album!
    Amethyst: Uh, guys, ever since you started playing, people have been taking money away from charity.
    Linkara: So uh, this is the first sound version of A Christmas Carol, right?
    Will: Yeah.
    Linkara: Well, who's up for a silent version?
    Amethyst: Me.
    Will: Right on.
  • "This Marley has ceased to be! He's an ex-business partner!"
  • (after Scrooge mutters) "Go home, Scrooge, you're drunk."
  • "Even in this century, people clamor for a Turbo-Man doll."
  • Scrooge: Bah, humbug!
    Linkara: Scrooge is just trying to turn that into a meme.
  • Scrooge: Tell them to stop that noise.
    Linkara: Hey, stop that noise!
    Amethyst: (as Scrooge) I coulda done that!
  • The Groups bafflement of the Film having a Scene, that shows a Chef slapping a Boy with a Fish.
  • Amethyst: Wait, is that a plastic bucket in 1840's England?
    Will: Well, the ghosts of Christmas work in mysterious ways.
  • Every time they start singing. In particular, during the redition of "God Save The Queen", they start singing "My Country Tis Of Thee" and then shout "AMERICA!!!! WHOOO!!!"
  • During Marley's visit:
    Scrooge: Speak words of comfort to me, Jacob Marley. Speak words of comfort!
  • Town crier: Twelve o'clock and all's well…
    Amethyst: This has been a test of the emergency town crier system.
  • "Well, the Metamucil's kicking in."
  • The fact that the Film basically cuts the Ghost of Christmas Past Segment down to just Belle dumping Scrooge.
    Linkara: (as Scrooge) But it doesn't make any sense! What about my childhood? What about my relationship with my father and sister?
    Amethyst: (as Ghost of Christmas Past) That wasn't important.
    Linkara!Scrooge: Yes it was! I was already an asshole by this point! What about Fezziwig and first meeting Belle?
    Amethyst!Ghost: Look,we're on a tight budget here. It's either your tragic past or a kid getting slapped with a fish. We can't have both!
  • "It was either get a pudding or pay the electrical bill. Guess which one won out."
  • "The True meaning of Christmas...Pudding!"
  • "Does this bug you? I'm not touching you~"
  • Scrooge: Ghost of the future, I fear you more than any specter I have seen.
    Linkara!Scrooge: Except for Phil Spector. That guy's scary.
  • All the jokes about the signs obscured by shadows, leading to jokes about "Xchanc" and "Fajoe Dealer".
  • "Is this the audition for the ugliest hag in London pageant?"
  • After a shadowy head appears, they start singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" together.
  • "Hah, 17 year old jelly babies. How Ashens."
  • "Considering how poorly lit this whole thing is, it's hard to see if these are people or sentient moles."
  • Scrooge: I see—
    Linkara: Well, I'm glad somebody does! Turn on a light, for God's sake!
  • "Oh hey, evidence that this film was only lit by a candle!"
  • After a character stumbles over a line: "I'm sorry, I screwed up the take. Should we redo— what, keep going?"
  • "You know, it's tragic and all, but the Cratchits should take some consolation in knowing that their flat was just voted 'Murkiest Hovel in London' by Better Homes and Slums magazine."
  • Linkara: Wait a second, they still have the body [of Tiny Tim]?
    Amethyst: Yeah, did you think we were joking about him getting stuffed and mounted?
  • When Scrooge sees his own grave...
    Linkara: Somewhere, a gopher turns around dramatically.
  • "Time-Life presents Music to Shave To."
  • When Scrooge arrives at Fred's for Christmas.
    Scrooge: It's your Uncle Scrooge...
    Linkara: McDuck...
  • "We've secretly replaced their normal Scrooge with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if they notice."

    Family Life 
  • "Family Life, or as it's better known, Family I-Wish-I-Was-Dead."
  • The Miller Family are heading on Vacation to Crystal Lake!
    Linkara: Jason Voorhees lets them use the place, while he's in Manhattan!?
  • Narrator: Some people are asking how the Millers manage to have so much fun as a family.
    Linkara: Lots of alcohol.
  • Daughter: No one seems to care that I have a date at 7:00.
    Linkara: It's even someone you disapprove of! Pay attention to me!

  • "Plans changing due to unforeseen circumstances? This family is falling apart!!"

  • After the film skips: "I think this family has bigger issues. Time keeps hiccuping!"
  • Mrs. Miller: If this family were a business—
    Linkara: I could fire my children and hire cheaper children overseas.
  • "Dad's not working on finances. He's baffled by the Junior Jumble."
  • Mrs. Miller: It's worth a try.
    Linkara: She said the same thing when she decided to try a diet exclusively of Wendy's chili.
  • Mr. Miller: I'm certainly in favor of those things; harmony, leisure, fun. Who isn't?
    Linkara: DC Comics.
  • Mrs. Miller: Well, if we were a business, wouldn't we have a plan for spending our money?
    Linkara: Well, yeah, but then you'd keep getting bailouts from the government, too.
  • Narrator: That's how the Millers came to manage their home so it would be more fun.
    Linkara: By being anal retentive.
  • Narrator: Because by scheduling the work she does each day, [Mrs. Miller] saves herself from doing too much.
    Linkara: And so her work ends up half-assed and unfinished.
  • Narrator: With responsibilities go privileges.
    Linkara: Male privilege ensures that mother and daughter will never have lives outside the home.
  • "What would Bob Corby do?"

    Graffiti: Fun or Dumb? 
  • "Frank Miller looks at this building and wants to have sex with it."
  • "People called Romanes they go the house?"
  • (as someone spraypaints a heart on a wall) "He wants to immortalize his love for Love, American Style."
  • (after someone spraypaints "Jim + Mary" on a wall) "Well, thanks sweetie, but my name is Susan!"
  • During the theme song, both opening and closing, Linkara adds in several lyrics of his own:
    ♪Make it in crayon, you dunce!♪
    ♪Nothing in between, you asshole!♪
    ♪Binary morality forever!♪
    ♪Let's form a subcommittee and commission a study of the long-term costs for taxpayers vs. the psychological effects, both positive and negative!♪
  • Also during the theme song...
    Singers: ♪Hey, is it fun or just dumb?♪
    Linkara: Hmm, I'm gonna answer "yes".
  • (after a credit for "Vancon Films") "Vancon, still more dignified than Dashcon."
  • "Don't spray paint the camera, you idiot! Now we can't watch the film!"
  • As an older man confronts a spraypainter on the street:
    Older man: I know you...
    Linkara!Older man: Aren't you the "Throw It On the Ground" guy?
  • "Some people must decide: is graffiti fun?" "♪Some nights I stay up makin' my graffiti...♪"
  • This:
    Narrator: A number of would-be artists have been hurt by subway cars and electric shock.
    Linkara: Well, maybe if they didn't lick the tracks...
  • "Bob Corby forever!"
  • "Yes, writing on your desk, a sign of psychological disturbance!"
  • Someone writes "THE PRINCIPAL STINKS" on a school desk with a Black Magic Marker:
    Linkara: "The principal stinks"?!? Quick, arrest that kid before he kills someone!
  • "Keep on truckin', the hippest of hip!"
  • Several moments in the closing scenes of the film between the narrator and Linkara, including...
    Narrator: How could you honestly support the environment and be a graffiti polluter?
    Linkara: Well, maybe don't graffiti The Lorax?
    • ...and...
      Narrator: Sure, seeing your name or something you wrote on the wall might make you feel like somebody for a time...
      Linkara: But then someone will call you a jerk.
    • ...and...
      Narrator: Drawing graffiti is a little like getting a tattoo.
      Linkara: It's declaring your love for a band that will soon fall out of favor.

     Why Braceros? 

     Dating Dos and Don'ts 
  • "How do you choose a date?" Dart board.
  • "How do you ask for a date?" Desperately.
  • "Hi-Teen Carnival. For high kids!"
  • The Hi-Teen Carnival requires a date, "not like going with a crowd." That's the Orgy Carnival.

     Superman Secret Agent 
  • Pointing out how little Superman is actually in it (and that he's not the titular secret agent)
  • Singing about Superman fighting Hitler during the opening credits...only for the villain to actually look like Hitler
  • Pointing out that in the time it took Clark to escape, change outfits, and deal with the villains in the elevator, the machinery should have run over the woman several times
  • Predicting that Clark would be fired for choosing his own assignment and not covering the meeting like he'd been told to
  • Comparing Clark to the T-1000 for the way he gripped the back of the villains' car


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