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Dear Stephenie Meyer
- "It's fine. It's fine... it's fine..."
- The fact that the video uses clips of Vampires Suck in addition to clips from the actual Twilight movies.
- Lindsay admitting that she might've "bet on the wrong horse" when recounting her days as a Nu Metal fan who openly disparaged the boy bands the "other, lesser, more woman-y girls" listened to.
- Going off on a brief tangent about the age of consent in Japan.
Bright: The Apotheosis of Lazy Worldbuilding
- Throughout the video, Lindsay uses a goofy, Will Smith-esque rap called Orc Cop! by The Rap Critic as a transition between her main points, complete with his trademark Verbal Tics and gratuitous Stevie Wonder Sampling. It contains such gems as...The Or-orc Cop! (The kids call us pork chops!)
The Or-orc Cop! (He used to be a short stop!)
The Or-orc Cop! (But now, hes a sure shot!)
The Or-orc Cop! (Not a lot rhymes with Orc Cop.)
- This Shout-Out:
- Her repeated commentary on the attempts to kind of brush over Max Landis' involvement after the sexual harassment allegations came forth:"Why didn't they hire a screenwriter for this movie? That's so weird!"
- Early on, Lindsay addresses the popular-by-fans conspiracy theory of critics being paid off to thrash a movie they like to explain Critical Dissonance, and how stupid that is. A slight bit later, it cuts back to Lindsay fiddling with a cheque for $50,000 before swiping it away.
- Even better is that the cheque is from the Walt Disney company with a memo reading "DESTROY BRIGHT".
- Lindsay's snark at the juvenile approach to "gritty realism", done by way of Crash with tons of "Urban Gangsta Flava!" Of note is her annoyed groans at the orc Gang Bangers "in chains and sports jerseys and do-rags and wearing baseball caps with the name of their gang lovingly embroidered on the front, just like real gangs do!"
- Her entire description of the climax, which best exemplifies her claim that nobody in the film acts like a real person:Lindsay: Jakoby breaks free of being hung, shoots the wand out of Leilah's hand, and then Ward starts, like... sassing him, and nobody's moving or hiding or trying to defend themselves as they might be doing in a tense shootout, and Jakoby tries to shoot her again, but...
Jakoby: I can't... (resigned) I'm out.
Lindsay: He says this like he's got a headache and he just realizes he left his aspirin at home [...] And it takes like a full minute for Ward to grab that wand, and then he gets it and is like "What do I do?", and still, nobody's moving!? Like, they're still in their spots, like "Well, we can't move, or that would ruin the blocking!" The unkillable Leilah doesn't even stand up when [Tikka] tells the magic word.
Tikka: The word is "Vayquaros!"
Daenerys Targaryen: Dracarys. (her dragon sets Kraznys on fire)
- Her brief reference to mother!, which she calls "Oops! All Allegory!"
- Lindsay's entire dismantling of the many holes left behind the film's Alternate History, primarily one instance where despite the fantastical elements, Mexicans "still get shit for the fuckin' Alamo," which kickstarted her making the video in the first place."Were there orcs there too? If there's so much strife between non-human races, why is there inter-human racism? Was there chattel slavery of orcs in addition to black people, and that's why orcs seem to all have European white surnames? Was the Alamo a bigger deal in this universe? Because Mexican-Americans get shit for a lot of things, but the Alamo is not one of those things! What was the nine races? Were Mexicans one of the nine races!?"
- Before the video was finished, Lindsay was still so baffled by this line that she had to crowdsource her Twitter to see if it was actually a thing Mexicans get "shit" for.
My Monster Boyfriend
- In outlining the subject of the video and The Shape of Water, Lindsay describes how "maybe the fish-man just wants what most of us want, and it's to feel loved and safe.""Wait, he ate your neighbor's cat?"
- She describes the archetypal less-virtuous female characters in Beast and Beauty tales as "what we in the academic world call 'jealous bitches.'"
- Lindsay argues that "monsters" reflect the cultural anxieties of the time, with a big example being how the "monster" in The Birth of a Nation (1915) is a black man, whose lynching by the Ku Klux Klan is framed as heroic. Lindsay sums up the fears of white America in that time period as "Hey, where da white women at?"
- Lindsay once again snarking at the 1976 remake of King Kong and its baffling scenes of trying to portray Dwan and Kong's relationship as semi-consensual."This is the very hotness. Hit me with that gorilla breath!"
- Similarly, Lindsay's snark at the utterly saccharine sincerity of the primetime Beauty and the Beast series, leading her to wonder "What bombed-out wine mom wrote this?" She's understandably confused when a picture of George R. R. Martin pops up.
- She also gets to the CW show and Beastly, which took a step back by making the beast a normal guy who occasionally hulks out and another who's only covered in "rad, sexy scars and badass beast tattoos."
- In Readus101's Crossover cameo where he adds his piece to the conversation and plugs his own video discussing The Shape of Water, this conversation happens:Lindsay: So does this mean the fish-man does it for you?
La'Ron: Nah, I'm more into Moses allegory orcs and genius gorillas with glasses that shoot tesla cannons. You?
Lindsay: Anything you've heard about novel-length Starscream fanfic is a lie! (hangs up) Moving on.
The Hobbit: A Long-Expected Autopsy
- Parts 1 and 5 of the essay are transitioned into with an out-of-nowhere dubstep remix of "The Ring Goes South".
- Lindsay gets a lot of mileage from this exchange in The Battle of Five Armies, used especially well in regards to the original, likely better idea of a duology directed by Guillermo del Toro.Tauriel: Why does it hurt so much?
Thranduil: Because it was real.
Lindsay: (long sigh) Maybe they got that version in the Berenstein universe.
- Note that her "beleaguered sigh" is captioned in Elvish, then subtitled back to English.
- Lindsay's snark at Bilbo gaining Thorin's trust in the film through a Big Damn Hero moment where he "football-tackles" an orc.
- The expanded climax to The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug leaving Lindsay absolutely stumped.
- While describing the Storm Giants scene, Lindsay calls back to her The Hunchback of Notre Dame review:"But they're fine. See? They're fine. Whatever, let's go."
- Lindsay's list of some of the stuff added into The Hobbit trilogy (perfectly prefaced with Frodo's gleeful, creepy smile):"The White Council..."
"This orc miniboss who appears in all three films..."
"Fighting dragon priests..."
"That endlessly long barrel river chase scene... between orcs and elves, and we're fighting..."
"Kíli's hot, and he's in looooove..."
"Gandalf and Galadriel... huh?"
"Radagast the Browwnn..."
"—he's got poop on his head..."
"Useless Framing Device..."
"The entire climax of Desolation..."
"Evangeline Lilly is in a love triangle..."
"Legolas is soooooo cooooo—"
"Man, this framing device is sure going on forever—"
(cut to Gandalf and Galadriel) "Did they fuck?"
"Sidequest to Angmar that goes nowhere..."
"Stephen Fry's horrible henchman..."
"What is happeniiiiiiing—"
"On-screen White Council meeting..."
"God, Alfrid is awful..."
"Look at Legolas goooo..."
"Bard the Bowman has a family noowww..."
"Beorn needed a bear chase sceeeene..."
Gandalf: Come with me, my lady...
(bewildered) "Gandalf, she's married!"
"Gratuitous Elijah Wood cameo..."
"True love... and that's like, not even half of it."
- "By the way, if you want to go down a fun rabbit hole, Google-search 'Sauron x Melkor' fanart, it is a trip."
- As a bonus, the two tabs at the top of the screen read "am I sexually aroused?" and "cosplay armor".
- In a similar bit in part 2, Lindsay briefly praises the film in saying she likes the dynamic between Thorin and Bilbo, "And so does AO3, by the way." The tabs this time read "I want to be held by thorin" and "how strong is thorin oakenshield".
- "...what is worse: bad representation or no representation? We're gonna answer that question today—just kidding, no were not."
- The ending of Part 2 has Lindsay say, despite how deeply flawed the movies were, Tolkien's legacy has still remained, pointing out that New Zealand seems quite proud of its connections to Middle-earth. Cut to Lindsay in Hobbiton in a sudden conversation with someone:Lindsay: I'm sorry, who are you?
Tom Augistine: Hi, I'm Tom, writer for BirthMoviesDeath and a filmmaker. Um... just so you know... what The Hobbit actually did for New Zealand was... well, it kinda fucked us.
- After promising on social media that there would not be a third part, Lindsay gets a notice from the studio note that she'll be adding a Part 3 to the end of this series. Cue horrified Thousand Yard Stares from Lindsay & Nella.
The Ideology of the First Order
- "It's a beautiful day at Disneyworld's Hollywood Studios. The Rock 'n' Roller is rockin', a sea of Mickey ears flows through the park, and that Beauty and the Beast live show is mysteriously still running."
- More than a few viewers noticed that while Lindsay is shown on-screen, there's a bottle of ketchup next to her Starscream figure that periodically vanishes when the camera changes position. Some commenters have rolled with this as deliberate symbolism.BattleUp Saber: Well the ketchup is red, like Kylo Ren's lightsaber. Starscream is a lot like General Hux— a treacherous underdog no one takes seriously. This is obviously her telling us that in the next movie General Hux will have an on-again, off-again relationship with Kylo.
- Lindsay demonstrating her savviness to political discourse regarding Star Wars' World War II-inspired imagery:"But I look forward to an interesting and robust conversation in the comments below! Ring that bell so that it'll do what it's supposed to do, like, share, and subscribe, and leave me a comment if you think Kylo Ren is the sexiest space-Nazi in the galaxy~ (laughs) Just kidding, I don't read the comments."
- Later, she describes Kylo "the epitome of everything both fascist but fanfic-y about the First Order.""Save him Rey, you know you want to! Save him!"
- Later, she describes Kylo "the epitome of everything both fascist but fanfic-y about the First Order."
- Her utter refusal to apply her "Turn Down For What" filter over an image of Leni Riefenstahl, instead applying one with Nickelback's "Photograph".
- The reoccurring comparison between the "We demand to be taken seriously" nature of the First Order to that of The Alliance of Magicians.
- Her brief snark at the ideology of Thanos, describing him as "an egalitarian genocidal monster! He's complex."
The Whole Plate: Queering Michael Bay
- Lindsay demonstrating her insistence that you can apply queer theory to anything.
- "So yeah, there's actually a lot more to [queer theory] than just analyzing Brokeback Mountain over and over again!"
- After going over the interesting discussions of robot relationships the IDW comics heavily capitalize on that the Michael Bay films completely and utterly ignore:"So what does this say about any emotional investment that Michael Bay has in these characters? (beat, then laughs)
The Whole Plate: Marxism!
- "...and yes, we can consider a toy, a cartoon, a comic, a whatever, a piece of art — The Transformers was most definitely art..."Megatron: You are either lying or stupid!
Starscream: I'm stupid, I'm stuuuupiiiid!
- Much like the video on Feminist Theory and Transformers, Lindsay is all too excited to discuss Marxist Theory in the Transformers, even saying that it's the least complicated topic she decided to tackle.Lindsay: Sweet Jesus, why did I choose this?
- Her brief description of the touchy-ness surrounding discussion of Marxism on the internet results in Lindsay needing to give out some beleaguered sighs.Lindsay: Marxism — that topic you think you know about because — um, certain YouTube "intellectuals" screaming about how Marxism is directly opposed to western values is so hot right nownote .
(Cue Lindsay's 1st beleaguered sigh)
Lindsay: So at the risk of pissing everyone off, both on the right and the left...
(Cue Lindsay's 2nd beleaguered sigh)
- ContraPoints cameos as her character Tabby in the video to help Lindsay with the topic of Marxism, starting off by listing off all the forms of Marxism and Marxist philosophers, reducing her to a faltering smile and eventually looking at her phone.
- Due to the hefty amount of schools of Marxist discourse, Lindsay spins a wheel of a random "important" theorists to start the discussion. Among the names on the wheel are "The Wendy's Twitter account", "Your angry uncle Jim", "The one scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail", "ContraPoints", and "Call me 'tankie' one more time".
- Lindsay uses Theodor Adornos Marxist philosophy as a template for part of the video... until she starts reading quotes of Adorno repeatedly dumping on jazz music. Lindsay's reaction is just perfect. She even ends her reading on Adorno with a clip from the first Transformers movie of Optimus Prime mourning Jazz's death.
- As Lindsay does her own Marxist reading of the text, she defines what "the text" entails. The example of Transformers she pulls is the scene of Bumblebee 'lubricating' on John Turturro.
- Lindsay showing off her Starscream toys to demonstrate that she's not a true believer of Marxism.Lindsay: THEY MAKE ME HAPPY.
That Time Disney Remade Beauty and the Beast
- "Thanks, I hate it!"
- The start of the video has Lindsay going through the famous Opening Scroll of the 1946 Jean Cocteau version of Beauty and the Beast, an appeal to viewers to "open their hearts and minds of the innocent and magical world view of a child," immediately followed by her claiming she found out that Disney's 2017 remake of their classic of the same name had its own in homage, which reads:"We invite you to open your hearts and minds to the magical worldview of pedantic nitpickers who point out plot holes in fairy tales, which we are now kow-towing to, apparently! Here's a movie for you, Guy who kept pointing out how according to math, the prince was only 11 when he got turned into a beast— that's pretty messed up, right? That's not logical! Open your heart like the pedantic f*** who opines "How did the town forget the monarch disappeared? PLOT HOLE DING"
Lindsay: (smiling gleefully) Wow! (beat) I hate it!
- In general, Lindsay makes her utter contempt for overly-nitpicky "film critics" who point out "logical inconsistencies" very clear throughout the video.
- This bit:Lindsay: Effectively, Disney has gone and made a movie which differs in content only in that it appears to exist to appease the pedantic f###s of YouTube with their decades of bad-faith criticism, and for ever having enabled that atmosphere of pedantic f#####y that led to the creation of a film that goes out of its way to address the plot holes of the film that it's based on... uh, I will never cease my penance walk. (beat) But I am going to complain about this movie for a really long time, so strap in.
- Not that long after:Lindsay: And you may be asking yourself: "Is this really an over-long, nitpicky, complain-y video complaining about how over-long, nitpicky clickbait film criticism has influenced the actual text in the current trend of live-action Disney remakes?" (beat) Yes.
- After introducing Bob Iger as "evil-genius current CEO of the Disney company AKA boringly competent daddy" and Michael Eisner as "the Robert Moses of the Disney Company, daddy of daddies", she displays a row of several other "daddies," including Elon Musk as "Cavedaddy," Jordan Peterson as "Lobsterdaddy," and Bill Skarsgård's Pennywise as "Daddywise the Dancing Daddy."
- Lindsay's utter struggle to find anything positive to say out of fairness of the movie quickly devolves into complimenting a random owl.
- Lindsay addresses the really uncomfortable addition in the remake that the servants were all quiet enablers regarding the Prince's treatment to justify why they got cursed alongside him.Potts: We've made our bed, and we must lie in it.
Lindsay: (in a high posh accent) "I understand that movienitpicks.com has some complaints about us being punished for the actions of a ten-year-old. But you see, my dear, there's a perfectly logical explanation for that too!"
- Lindsay dissecting how by adding in the stakes of "if the last rose petal falls, all the servants become completely inanimate 'antiques'," it makes the Beast's callous treatment of his staff actually morally reprehensible, which gets even worse when he chooses to let Belle go, effectively dooming all of them to their deaths.Beast: I set her free... I'm sorry I couldn't do the same for all of you.
Lindsay: I guess... boss of the year? (pins a "you tried" star on him) Sorry, Cavedaddy.
- The entire section devoted to how much of a prick this version of the Beast is, one who never learns or improves of his own volition and constantly negs Belle despite them supposedly budding a relationship, ending with this:Lindsay: It would've been great if he negged her even after he turned back into a man, said something like "Wow, your pores are much less noticeable now that I have human eyes," and she's like "It is you! :D"
Lindsay: 2017!Beast is a massive prick.
- There's also this line, which accurately sums up the problems with these changes in particular:
Lindsay: And I don't mean "he's an arrogant prick who eventually learns the error of his ways", like...I think this is supposed to be "charming"...
- "Hey, did you know this movie has the first gaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy?" (long pause)Lindsay: When it was announced that LeFou would become the first "out" gay character in a Disney movie, the L's (Ursula), the G's (Ratigan), the B's (The Genie), the T's (Terk) and of course all you filthy, filthy Q's (Hades) responded with uproarious applause.
- It then cuts back to Lindsay trying to maintain a smile, but looking completely bewildered in complete silence for a very lengthy beat.Lindsay: So yeah, the LGBT community responded overwhelmingly with "Fucking Really?" Which got upgraded to "Are you fucking kidding me?" when we saw the final product and the only "out" thing about LeFou that wasn't completely subtext was this shot:
(a two-second shot of LeFou dancing with a random man)
Lindsay: Wow. Such gay. Very representation.
- It then cuts back to Lindsay trying to maintain a smile, but looking completely bewildered in complete silence for a very lengthy beat.
- Lindsay snarking over the film's many incredibly cheap attempts at being progressively feminist:Lindsay: Belle attempts to escape the castle twice, which is so much more feminist than in the original when she tried to escape a mere... once... Jesus Christ, I'm surprised that they didn't like have Belle look directly into the camera and ask the audience if they thought she was developing Stockholm Syndrome.
- Lindsay calls out the film's treatment of the townsfolk and how they "overcome" their bigotry, comparing it to "Albi the Racist Dragon".Lindsay: In the remake, the villagers see the error of their ways... while not demonstrating that they have actually learned anything. But don't worry, they won't be sexist or bigoted anymor—(corpses)
Jemaine Clement: And suddenly... he wasn't racist, any more.
Lindsay: (laughing) Problem solved! [...] Boy, that was easy! #BeastForShe!
The Death of the Hollywood Musical
- The entire introduction, complete with a familiar orchestral tune blasting behind it:Lindsay: There were a lot of event movies to talk about that have come out in 2018 that echo trends that have shaped our cinematic past, but there was one movie this year that is truly the embodiment of the modern epoch. One movie that some have described as "The most ambitious crossover of all time." One movie that built so skillfully on the cinematic universe that came before it. One movie that is the defining moment of our era. I am talking of course, about Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again.
- The immediate passage following it is also great:Lindsay: So obviously, the Hollywood panic of trying to incentivize people to stop watching goddamn Stranger Things on Netflix for the fifth time and to come on out to the movies by pushing the prestige of gimmicks like 3D, 4D, and even 6D applies more to more to big-budget tentpoles like superhero movies... superhero movies, live-action remakes of Disney classics, and even superhero movies, more than it does the Hollywood musical.
- Even better is that by the end of the video, she actually gives Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again sincere praise for being a "rare, healthy being of a movie" that exists not for trend-based focus groups, but an actual audience of "wine moms."
- Lindsay illustrating the rise of commercial television in The '50s threatening the Roadshow Theatrical Release, said in black and white as she's wearing short High Class Gloves and a pearl necklace.Lindsay: But here's the thing, fam, on top of the Communists ruining everything, it's a television world now! I have TV dinners to make, and going to the movies makes it really hard to milk any sweet drops of affection from my loveless marriage. I don't want to haul ass all the way out of the house and drive 12 miles to Los Angeles to the Carthay Circle Theatre; why would I pay more to see a movie that's going to get a wide release in a few weeks anyway when I can watch Bonanza on the television from the comfort of my own home?
- "The first canary in this coal mine actually came from the Disney company with The Happiest Millionaire[...] which bombed so spectacularly that you've never heard of it."
- While discussing Doctor Dolittle:
- Her audibly nervous confusion with the character of Prince Bumpo of Jolliginki, who for the film was renamed "William Shakespeare the Tenth".Lindsay: God, this just keeps getting weirder.
- Lindsay going over the various animal-related issues, including a production delay when — as denoted in bold text in front of a red background — "The giraffe stepped on his own cock."
- Her audibly nervous confusion with the character of Prince Bumpo of Jolliginki, who for the film was renamed "William Shakespeare the Tenth".
- Near the ending where she briefly touches on Titans (2018) and Venom (2018), and how their trailers' reactions were that of uproarious laughter:Lindsay: ...and yet, someone edited in lines like...
Robin: Fuck Batman.
Lindsay: And... whatever this is...
Venom: You will be this armless, limbless thing, rolling down the street... like a turd... in the wind...
Lindsay: And high-fived each other in the editing bay and were like "Yeah... badass... How do you do, fellow kids?"
- The ending, framed à la the "Tears in the Rain" monologue from Blade Runner, with Lindsay repeatedly cracking smiles throughout:Lindsay: I've seen trends you people wouldn't believe... 48 frames-per-second bouncing off the shoulder of storm giant... I've seen and smelled 4D versions of Josh Brolin CGI Thanos face that looks like forgotten bacon... all these moments... will be lost in time, like turds in the wind... time to die... (keels over laughing)
Youtube: Manufacturing Authenticity (For fun and profit!)
- During her section on calls to action, Lindsay lists Ru Pauls Drag Race as a non-online work that uses them, citing this as part of its online presence that contributes to its success, as well as its structure "lending itself to easy sharing".Bianca Del Rio: Not today, Satan.
Bob: Oh, you thirsty, bitch?
Miss Vanjie: Miss Vanjie. Miss Vanjie. Miss.... Vaaanjiiiie.
- Lindsay calling out Man About Cake's manufactured facade of authentic "casual" presentation, concluding with this glorious phrase, complete with a snap-zoom:Lindsay: Man About Cake? More like Man about FAKE!
Product Placement and Fair Use
- Her continual corpsing during the scenes at The Cheesecake Factory.
Death of the Author
- After the VHS-infomercial-styled opening, cut to Lindsay taking a swig from—appropriately enough—Writers' Tears whiskey. note
- Speaking of the VHS style, Lindsay made sure to include some very-modern touches to it, like a dabbing Jesus clipart and "Does it though?"
- Mocking Anne Rice's hard-lined approach against fan fiction of her works:Lindsay: Respect the authors wishes, fans! How dare you make the gay vampires even gayer!
- Before going into a long conversation about JK Rowling, there's a long, surreal sequence of JK Rowling's face distorting, backed by a harmonica cover of the Harry Potter theme.
- Michel Foucault's cool jacket.
- Lindsay starts talking about some of the weirder aspects of The Fault in Our Stars, and wondering what kind of grown man would write about two teenagers sharing their first kiss in Anne Frank's house, or having sex... John Green, of course, is waiting in her garden.
- The end of the episode, where John Green shills Audible, while Lindsay sinks lower and lower into her garden chair.John: The Fault in Our Stars is a 2012 novel, written by Lindsay Ellis.Lindsay: I did it!