open/close all folders
Loose Canon: Phantom Of The Opera
- Lindsay describes Lon Chaney's Phantom from The Phantom of the Opera (1925) as both horrifying yet expressive, "except for the stupid ending."Lindsay!Phantom: (raises his hand against an angry mob who reel in fear) "Hey guys, I've got a grenade! It's..." (cheerfully shows his hand is empty while laughing) "...ah, I'm just kidding, haha, hey we have fun here-" (gets swarmed by the mob) "aahhhhhhh..."
- During the section about the 1937 Chinese adaptation Song at Midnight, she explains that the Phantom's counterpart is named Song Danping, and Christine's counterpart is a guy named Sung who Song wants to sing for his lover.Lindsay: So Song teaches Sung to sing. [beat] I swear, I'm not making this up.
- In the intro to part 2, Lindsay describes the events of a brilliant, not-so-good-looking composer who finds a beautiful singing ingenue and falls in love with her, deciding to teach her and write a masterpiece for her to star in that enthralled her at first but ultimately didn't work out.Lindsay: I am talking of course about the tragic, torrid tale... of Andrew Lloyd Webber and Sarah Brightman.
- Lindsay explains how each stage interpretation of the Phantom varies between performer, describing Hugh Panaro as "Meeheeheeheeheeee I'm evil!", John Owen-Jones as more like a sad puppy, Norm Lewis as a more "dad" affect, and Ramin Karimloo as "He just has a lot of feelings, okay!?"Karimloo!Phantom: GO NOW AND LEAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
- This is made all the more amusing by the end of the video when she states that Karimloo is her favorite Phantom.
- Lindsay's gleeful description of the ridiculousness of Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge, culminating in describing how Eric doesn't compose (he works out), he doesn't use a Punjab lasso (he roundhouse kicks his enemies), and when Christine wakes up in his lair, he's not playing the organ (he's lifting). She gives the film a modest Slow Clap.
- Made even better by the fact that she doesn't really get into how Eric/Erik's personality and motivations are different in this version — one gets the distinct sense that she only bothered to include it in her discussion for the sole purpose of sharing the sheer 80s stupidity of the plot with the world.
- To describe the sheer failure in casting Gerard Butler as the Phantom, she plays back-to-back audio of specific portions as done by Michael Crawford, Ramin Karimloo, then back to Butler. To quote one of the comments, it makes him sound like "he just suddenly realized he should be playing Goku doing his best powerup scream."
- Her reaction to how Gerard Butler's Phantom looks like under the mask:Lindsay: You got stung by a bee, you'll be fine!
- Lindsay introduces Love Never Dies as such:
Joel Schumacher's Phantom of the Opera: A Video Essay
- When Lindsay goes through all the typical matters she will/will not discuss in the video essay:Lindsay: We know Butler can't sing, we know Rossum sounds like 80% of the girls in your high school chamber choir, we know that rad electric guitar riff is so lame it actually shoots the moon and goes back to rad...
- When briefly discussing post-Hello, Dolly! musicals and mentioning The Rocky Horror Picture Show, she brings a brief snippet of Frank N. Furter saying "I see you shiver, in aaaan-ticip..." then goes on for a minute and a half before finally finishing it with ''...pation."
- Lindsay, once again trashing RENT, but mentions that it's better than Phantom's film adaptation because at least it's consistent, then lament the fact that she just compared it positively to something.
- Her Fridge Logic-laden exploration of the film's indecisiveness on what is diegetic and what isn't, specifically the mention of how the many candles rising from the lake within the Phantom's lair makes sense in the stage musical ("You go oh, this is like a scene transition, I've heard of those.") but it makes zero sense in the film because they actually appear to be all literal.Lindsay: The Phantom is not only a genius mechanical engineer, but has a lot of spare time.
- Sections of the video essay are sectioned into indicative names such as "Diegesis" and "The Framing Device", but then suddenly "Seriously What Aesthetic Are They Even Going For I can't even tell."
- When briefly discussing Director of Photography John Mathieson's work in cinematography, she briefly mentions how he got an Oscar nomination for this film, which "ranks up there with Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close on the 'Are you kidding me?' scale."
- She cites one shot as the laziest in the film, where the Phantom has tied up Raoul to a grate and it's unclear what exactly we're supposed to be threatened by (He has a noose around his neck, but he clearly can't be hanged because his whole body is tied to the grate bigger than him). Lindsay's amused confusion is topped off by saying "I have deliberately been tied up in more compromising positions than this."
- As Lindsay gets more sloshed on wine during the video, at one point she says this:Lindsay: And if you feel like I'm nitpicking... You're right... I am.
- When Lindsay points out how you can't have a romantic ballad juxtaposed to some other character's opposing emotion such as sadness, she compares it to having a love song in Moulin Rouge! being repeatedly intercut with The Duke being sad, and then visually illustrates it for us.
- By the end of the video, 40 minutes in and after apparently a bottle or two of wine:Lindsay: So, in conclusion... I forgot what we were talking about. [cut to black]
Loose Canon: Queen Elizabeth
- In a meta-note, the entire review is structured on a scale of "Most Realistic" -> "Least Realistic" portrayals of Queen Elizabeth I. Anonymous comes in last. Yes, even behind her appearances on Doctor Who.
- In the explanation of the long list of people Elizabeth I had to go through before she became queen, she quickly mentions the brief reign of Lady Jane Grey, who was executed after nine days, along with "Hey, Game of Thrones was inspired by something.* "
- Her Corpsing at the scene in Elizabeth: The Golden Age where Elizabeth gives her "Aragorn speech" at Tilbury on horseback and in a full set of armor.
Loose Canon: Aphrodite
- Lindsay absolutely losing it when she realizes Eros on Hercules: The Legendary Journeys is played by Karl Urban. "See, young aspiring actors? Never lose hope."
- Describing Venus's role in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen: "And she... um... I believe 'cuck's is the word?"
- A subtle example, when Lindsay reads off Aristotle's rather sexist opinion on women, his name is given as "Aristotle - smooth operator"
Loose Canon: 9/ 11
- The running gag of 9/11 interrupting the good times, with Lindsey going "-but then 9/11."
- Lindsay describes the absurd amount of tribute Country Music (especially jingoistic bro-country) songs following the 9/11 attacks as such:
- While discussing the strange weirdness of the 2003 made-for-TV Showtime film DC 9/11: Time of Crisis, she undercuts a... sensual scene between Bush and Cheney with 'Songbird.'
- On the topic of Uwe Boll's Postal during its opening "comedy" scene about the two hijackers, she's constantly distracted by the film's awful ADR to the point where she can't focus on or tell what the two are even talking about.
- Lindsay describes how Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay isn't as clever as the original, specifically citing the scene when in Guantanamo Bay where a marine attempts to rape the duo.
- Bringing up the unintentionally-hilarious American accent in Tere Bin Laden:Lindsay: [with a smirk] So that's what other countries must feel when we do it to them!
- Lindsay's cringing dread, followed by dreadful laughter at the horribly over-the-top 9/11 attack shot in the Bollywood movie Madhoshi.Lindsay: What the fuck, India!?
- While discussing My Name Is Khan:Lindsay: When Americans hear the word "Khan," the connotations—in order—go:Lindsay: And Genghis and—Grandmaster Melle Mel: ♪ Ch-ch-Chaka Khan / Chaka Khan ♪
- Lindsay's referral to the infamous Twist Ending of Remember Me to "getting Rickrolled by 9/11."
- Lindsay's reaction to Jonathan Safran Foer, author of Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, calling post-9/11 America "a nation of children". She tells us it wouldn't be like Oscar's wonder and naïvité, instead comparing the people to a child throwing a tantrum in a car.
- Early in the video, Lindsay admits that the comments are disabled solely so she doesn't have to deal with 9/11 truthers coming into her comments section with their conspiracy theories. Really, can anyone blame her?
Loose Canon: Mystique
- Discussing her dialogue on X-Men: "What an... interesting line read. 'Okay, now say it like you don't know what words mean.'"
- In describing the relationship between Mystique and Magneto in the X-Men Film Series, she notes how surprisingly non-sexual and platonic it is for her character, which she theorizes is "probably because Magneto is gay. And Charles is gay."Charles: What are you doing here?
Erik: What do you ask questions when you know the answers?
Lindsay: And they are bitter exes. And Mystique is over here like "My name's Paul, this is between y'all..."
- Driving home how few shits Jennifer Lawrence seems to be giving in X-Men: Apocalypse by showing an iPhone with "J-Law" calling to recite her lines on the other end.
Loose Canon: Hillary Clinton
- Remarking how Hillary Clinton's appearance on Roseanne was for her to congratulate Roseanne for... defeating a bunch of terrorists.
- While going over long-running Hillary Clinton impersonator Teresa Barnwell, Lindsay takes a brief moment to compliment the lovely design of her website.
- Lindsay's insistence that despite having no footage to prove it, "The Presidents Song" from Animaniacs originally featured Hillary in the president's chair before it was edited out twice over.note
- Her comment on Hillary's design in Freakazoid!, which she compares to Jack Nicholson's Joker.
- Lindsay's introduction to post-Lewinsky scandal depictions of the Clintons: a brief pause where she desperately tries to form a smile.
- Comparing Kate McKinnon's impersonation of Hillary on Saturday Night Live to Invader Zim.
Hercules, Disney's Beautiful Hot Mess
- The prologue of the video retells John Musker and Ron Clements' 'quest' to make their passion project Treasure Planet through replacing lines of Hercules opening narration and a cute little cartoon.
- With most of it having George Michael's Careless Whisper playing in the background.
- Lindsay also suggests a What If? scenario where Hercules honored his bargain with Hades to stay in the underworld in place of Meg, turning the movie's premise into another Beauty and the Beast.Lindsay: Goddamn, I'd watch the shit out of that movie.
- In outlining the difference between the movie's take on a hero and the actual Greek mythological concept of a hero, Lindsay decides that the heroic flaw of all Nineties Disney heroes was... clumsiness. "An entire canon of Bella Swans."
How Three-Act Screenplays Work (and why it matters)
- While explaining how analytical theory works in the case of film theory, as well as how it's distinct but can be overlapped to film criticism or history, Lindsay mentions this:"For instance, applying feminist film theory to psychoanalytical film theory to say, Hitchcock's North By Northwest..."
*cuts to Roger and Eve kissing as their train goes through a tunnel*
- Lindsay's examples of establishing the Backstory: "Luke wants to go to Imperial Academy, Eddie is an alcoholic racist who hasn't mourned the loss of his brother, and Shia Labeouf is a shitty human being."
- Later on, she also delves specifically into character motivation and central conflict, and provides examples such as "the desire to win over the princess," "the desire to win over the princess," or "the desire to win over the... robo... princess..."
- Finally, when discussing how the resolution of the story results in final Character Development her examples include, usually coming full-circle from something established in the beginning: "Eddie gets over his brother's death and no longer blames all of toon-dom for it, Aladdin realizes pretending to be someone he's not won't win him love, Joel accepts how memories, even painful ones make us who we are and must be lived with, and Shia Labeouf... well... he's still a shit, but now he's a shit who stuck a cube in Megatron's chest, I guess."
Loose Canon: Jack the Ripper
- While summarizing the real-life Jack the Ripper murders, she repeatedly mentions the Freemasons as suspected targets of involvement, who were "the precursors to the modern Illuminati. Except for the part that they actually exist. Because say it with me... 'The Illuminati isn't real.'" ...before flashing the Eye of the Pyramid for a few frames.
- Lindsay's amused befuddlement at how Sherlock Holmes in the 1965 film A Study in Terror appears to be invulnerable, having survived a fire all on his own.
- She expresses confusion again while discussing the 1988 2-part TV series Jack the Ripper, opening with a long disclaimer about how "Our story is based on extensive research," then giving the titular killer Vader Breath.
- When Lindsay delves into the many exploitation films featuring young women being sexually brutalized, she decides to start a new segment called "Hey... 1970's... Are You... Okay? No, Really... Are You Okay?"
- She continues to be amused while going through 1972's Seven Murders for Scotland Yard, due to it playing a jazzy bassline after the first girl is murdered onscreen. She decides to play it after every other murder, complete with freeze frame.
- It keeps getting more ridiculous for her as she goes through the more fantastical depictions of Jack the Ripper, including as a supernatural being, a literal alien, and a time traveler.
Designing the Other: Aliens on Film
- In describing how Christopher Johnson of District 9 is easy to relate to the audience, she cites clear and sympathetic motivations, human-like reasoning and honor, and also the fact he has a baby.Lindsay: And not just any baby, a cute baby. A helpful baby! When I first saw this, I genuinely wondered how they were going to humanize any of the alien characters enough to make a mainstream audience sympathize quickly and efficiently, and in hindsight, the answer was all too obvious! Give him a baby.
- Near the end of the video while describing how certain character designs need to convey information that's appropriate for the story, describing how problematic E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial would be if E.T. was a giant antenna slug, or District 9 if Christopher Johnson looked like Thor.
Loose Canon: Santa Claus
- Lindsay has no shits to give for Jack Skellington, "cultural fucking imperialist."
- "Come on, Sally. You can do better. Move out of there, get an Associate's Degree."
- She also semi-jokingly condemns the "Poor Jack" number as Jack twisting his disastrously-failed plot into a self-empowering personal growth moment.Jack: And at least I left them stories I can tell, I did!
Lindsay: "Actually, when you think about it, the real winner is meeee~!"
- Lindsay's sheer hatred for Santa's Slay, punctuated by this realization:
- The brief aside while discussing Elf and how its Santa verifies the true original Ray's Pizza in New York City.Santa: There are like thirty Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th.
Lindsay: I actually cross-referenced this a long time ago, and... I can't tell the difference between the original Ray's and the other ones. Sorry, New York pizza's actually really overrated! (nervously cowers)
- On The Polar Express, Lindsay tries to sidestep the infamous Uncanny Valley animation, then collapses in horror at the zoom-out from the Steven Tyler elf.
RENT - Look Pretty and Do As Little as Possible
- After a very sober and serious three-minute outline of the AIDS crisis in the 1980s and the numerous government failings, obstructions and outright callous indifference that allowed the disease to unnecessarily blow up into a pandemic that needlessly ended and destroyed countless lives, there is a certain Black Comedy value in the sudden cut to a shot of Lindsay looking straight into a camera in a rather stunned, pissed, overwhelmed and slightly sheepish fashion that seems to suggest "Welp, this is certainly fine deep hole I've dug for myself here," leading to this line:Lindsay: Beat ...So, yeah, anyway, today we're gonna talk about RENT. [Slugs vodka straight from the bottle]
- Just before she gets into the first point of the video, she also pouts a bit when she realizes it's empty.
- Her saying that watching RENT is waking the "inner walker-wielding granny in me, yelling at these kids to get off my lawn"
- She yells "get off my lawn" at the characters a few times.
- Like with every other of her video essays, Lindsay organizes certain topics into individual sections marked off with a title card. Usually they're accompanied with pretty backgrounds and fitting music, but here, we get white text on black backgrounds and crummy kazoo music.
- Saying that Pulp's song "Common People" was written about MarkLindsay: Aw, look, Mark, someone wrote a song about you.
- Her constant mention of a weird, poorly composed and out-of-nowhere shot of Roger in a canyon.Lindsay: Is he about to try and sell me a really manly truck?
- Lindsay's timeline to sell the time that passed between RENT's heyday on Broadway and its film adaptation, with such landmarks as Bush getting elected, 9/11, X-2: X-Men United, and that time Madonna made out with Britney Spears at the VMAs.
- Near the end of the essay, she introduces the section titled "What Machine Are We Raging Against Again?" by drawing comparisons between RENT and "Threw it On the Ground."
- At one point, Lindsay discusses the recurring theme of stage musicals being "We Have Been Left Behind By The System" and lists off examples by decade. It raises a good point but ends humorously: