- The wish takes effect when Fletcher is in bed with Miranda:Miranda: That was incredible. Was it good for you?
Fletcher: I've had better.
- He keeps saying that for awhile. Not understanding why he said that. "I've had better?"
- This scene pretty much sets the tone for the movie in the trailer.
- The elevator scene:Fletcher: New in the building?
Woman: Yeah, I just moved in Monday.
Fletcher: Oh! You like it so far?
Woman: Everybody's been real nice.
Fletcher: Well, that's because you have big jugs! I mean your boobs are huge! I mean, I want to squeeze them... Mama!
(a big SMACK is heard and Fletcher exits the elevator, holding his face in pain, and the woman pissed off)
- The scene in the trailer and promos is just as funny with it immediately cutting to the big SMACK after Fletcher said "That's because you got big—".
- Too Much Information:Judge: How are we doing this morning, Counsel?
Prosecutor: Fine, thank you.
Judge: And you, Mr. Reed?
Fletcher: I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.
Judge: Well, you're still young. It'll happen more and more.
- "SETTLE! (clapping) SETTLE, SETTLE, SETTLE, SETTLE!!!"
- "It was meeee!"
- "The pen is blue! The pen is blue! THE GODDAMN PEN IS BLUE!".
- "Write it! Write it or I'll break it off!"
- "THE COLOR OF THE PEN THAT I HOLD IN MY HAND IS RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROYAL BLUE!"
- When Greta informs Fletcher that he forgot to pick up his son from school, he says "Oh I am such a shit!", and does a pause when it sinks in that he was able to say that remark because it wasn't a lie.
- Fletcher coming clean about exactly what he was up to during Max's party.Audrey: Then WHAT were you doing?!
Fletcher: HAVING SEX! (taps his head with the phone in horror)
Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone VERY SPECIAL!
Fletcher: No! See, that's the thing, I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal! (screams, gawks at the phone and throws it across the room and collapsing)
Audrey: (hangs up in disgust)
Fletcher: What's wrong with me?! (suddenly monotone) I'm getting what I deserve. I'm reaping what I sow, I—(claps both hands heavily over his mouth, while involuntarily ranting)
- As a bonus, when he calls Audrey again, the phone is so damaged the mic piece is just hanging there. And when he tries to hang up on the call, he can't figure out where to put the phone because the cradle is gone.
- When he pulls out in front of traffic:Other Driver: What's your problem, schmuck!?Fletcher: I'M AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK!
- Then a cop stops him.Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me! [wince]
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top.
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEEDIING!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: [through gritted teeth] No... [glances at his glove compartment] ...I have unpaid parking tickets. [pops open the compartment which spills out a mass of tickets; pause] Be gentle.
- After being informed that it costed $1654.11 to get his car out of the impound, Fletcher screams "HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?!" before deciding to steal... an air freshener.
- Fletcher's expert handling of the incompetent care of his car at the pound.Fletcher: You scratched my car!Mechanic: Where?Fletcher: (eye rolls and shows the huge gash in his side door) Right theeerrre!Mechanic: Oh, that! (beat) That was already there.Fletcher: (dumbfounded) Why... you! You LIAR! You know what I'm going to do about this?Mechanic: What?Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it'll just drain eight hours of my life, and you probably won't show up! And if I finally got the judgment, you'd just stiff me anyway! So what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and TAKE IT UP THE TAIL PIPE!Mechanic: (beat) You've been here before, haven't ya? (tosses Fletcher's keys back to him with a smirk)Fletcher: (grabs his keys in a hammy fashion)
- Even better is that, part way through his rant, the reality of the hypothetical sets in as Fletcher's expression goes from vindictive, to shocked, to defeated.
- When Fletcher interrupts Max's class:Fletcher: Excuse me. Hi. I'm Max's bad father... er, I'm his father.
- Fridge Brilliance really kicks in on this one:Max: My teacher says that real beauty's on the inside.
- "How's it hanging?" "Short, shriveled and always to the left!"
- Fletcher is called by a repeat offender and regular client who attempted to rob an ATM at knife point and needs his legal advice. Fletcher's advice: "STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!"
- Some people cheered in the theater when this line was delivered - a sore point re: the practice of law?
- Also notable is just before and after the line: Fletcher calmly takes the phone from Greta's hand, holds it a few inches from his face and just screams into it. Then he just as calmly hands it back to her and walks away without another word.
- When Greta learns Fletcher stiffed her on a raise, she begins to clear out her desk and Fletcher begs her to stay.Fletcher: I'll give you the raise!Greta: Here's your raise! [flips the bird, resulting in a Jaw Drop from Fletcher]
- Fletcher's secretary told him that her friend once got sued by a burglar who got injured trying to break in. His lawyer got the guy a six thousand dollar settlement.Greta: Is that justice?
Fletcher: No. (beat) I'd have got him ten.
- Another golden moment from the bloopers...Jim flubs up the line after "I'd have got him ten" and stammers, somehow turning it into him pantomiming hooking, reeling in, and posing with a fish.
- The roast of the board.Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!
Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later - DICKHEAD!
Fletcher: Simmons is old! (everyone laughs) He should have been out of the game years ago, but he can't stay home 'cause he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! And you, Tom. You're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! (everyone laughs) You've got your head so far up Mr. Allan's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins! You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime! Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! (Points to Miranda) SLLLLLLUUT!!!
- Not to mention right before that, when he roasts everybody else as well:
- HERE SHE COMES TO WRECK THE DAAAAAAAY!!!
- This:Fletcher: You brought your kids to your divorce?!
Mrs Cole: Sympathy.
Fletcher: Well it's working; I feel sorry for them already!
- It gets even better in the Hilarious OuttakesCarrey, making the pitcher he's pouring from "talk": For this...you will pay...a terrible price!
- It gets even better in the Hilarious Outtakes
- The recording of Mrs. Cole having sex. Fletcher points out after spewing out a mouthful of water that there's nothing that proves she's not just having sex with her husband, then we quite audibly hear Mrs. Cole saying "You're such a better lover than my husband!" Fletcher gives her a pained look at that.
- Right before the tape is switched off, you can hear her consort groaning that he needs to get back to cleaning the pool.
- This exchange:
- Calling Your Bathroom Breaks:Fletcher: Your Honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?Judge: Can't it wait?Fletcher: Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!Judge: Is that true?Fletcher: (beat) It has to be!Judge: In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.
- Fletcher's fight with himself in the bathroom; if nothing else, for this exchange:Judge: Who did this?
Fletcher: A MADMAN, your Honor! A desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope!
Judge: What did he look like?
Fletcher: (beat) About 6'2, 180 pounds, big teeth, kind of gangly.
- He then closes his mouth so as not to incriminate himself via said big teeth.
- In middle of the said self-inflicted beatdown, when another man walks on him:Man: What the hell are you doing?!
Fletcher: I'm kicking my AAAAASS! D'YA MIIIND?!
- The reason the judge isn't declaring contempt of court in all this? Sheer morbid curiosity.
- Fletcher meets his star witness.Mrs. Cole: Mr Reede, you remember Kenneth Falk, the man from the tape.
Fletcher: How could I forget?
Falk: Hey, how ya doin'?
Fletcher: (beaming) I've slipped into the seventh circle of Hell, thank you!
- This exchange:Kenneth: So all we've got to do is lie, that seems simple enough.
Fletcher: DOESN'T IT?!
- Also, the sequence in the court where he keeps objecting to himself.
- While questioning the man with whom Mrs. Cole had sex, Fletcher tries to give indirect questions. Eventually he starts doing sexual gestures and faces and..."You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR! You slammed her! You dunked her doughnuts! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!" [Makes gobbling noises]
- Even better was that the other lawyer objected, due to Fletcher badgering the witness. The judge replies "It's his witness!" in a bewildered tone.
- From the bloopers:Fletcher: (approaching witness with paper) Mrs. Cole (crumples up paper) A goose!!
- This:"I object!"
"JEZ-E-B-!" [cracks up laughing.]"Oh no! They're onto me!"
- Fletcher's barrage at the end of the court case.Fletcher: This contract is void. The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant! Standard community property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets or 11.395 million dollars. Jordan fades back! Swoosh! And that's the game! Nothing further, Your Honor!
- Jerry trying to imitate Fletcher's "Claw" and failing miserably.
- The You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me! look on Max's face is icing on the cake.
- And then topped off even more by the fact that he directs it at his mother as if to say "I know you're responsible for this", while Audrey can only give a helpless look.
- "Some idiot's hijacked a flight of stairs!" Not a statement you hear very often...
- At the end, Fletcher stops everyone before Max makes another wish.Fletcher: Wait, wait wait wait! Are we sure this is a good idea?
- "There's NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO such thing, as a weaker sex!"
Funny / Liar Liar