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Cole Phelps: War hero. Detective. Shakespearean actor?!?

  • A meta example: Depth Analysis, the studio that did all the motion capture for the game, released a blooper reel for the game. (Note: the link is a fan mirror uploaded to YouTube from the Depth Analysis website.)
    Phelps: LAPD! [Beat] Achoo!
  • Whenever you have Cole accuse a suspect of lying, only to have him back out, the manner in which he awkwardly backtracks to the main line of questioning.
    • In one questioning segment, this may result in Cole launching into a rant about what a suspect did, with tactful lines such as "You stomped her because you are such a weak fucking sister" only to immediately backtrack when he realizes he's screwed up.
    Phelps: [realizes what he had said] Looks like I made a mistake.
  • "You're under arrest for Grand Theft Auto!"
  • When examining the victim's body in "A Marriage Made in Heaven" you find a letter informing him that the amount of his life insurance policy has been increased. The amount of the policy has been circled in red pen, with the note "WHAT THE FUCK!"
  • The Vice department roadside mission "Camera Obscura", where Phelps and Earle are called to an elderly woman.
    Old Woman: That lowlife! That filthy lowlife!
    Phelps: What happened?
    Old Woman: I was standing ready to get off and... I heard a click. His camera. That pervert took a picture of my...
    Earle: [coughs uneasily]
    Old Woman: ...of my... [blows cheeks for emphasis]
    Phelps: Which way did he go?
    [cue woman shrieking across the street]
    Old Woman: There! That's him! Right there!
    [a woman is being chased around in circles by everyone's favourite next-door perv, Marlon Hopgood, bearing a standard 1940s 8-kilo camera. As he loses her, he catches a glimpse of Phelps and Earle]
    Hopgood: Aww, fuck...
    [he runs to his convertible, nonchalantly tosses the monstrous camera on the back seat, and stumbles into the driver's seat without opening a door]
    • And the whole mess is made even funnier when the fact is considered that Hopgood, a photographer and illegal porn producer as we learned in The Fallen Idol, is a police informer and originally deemed harmless by Earle (whom he knows personally). The same Earle has to track him down with Phelps as he escapes.
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    • ...or the Vice side mission The Badger Game, where Phelps, Earle, and a cop are called by a young black man, who sends them after some supposed criminals who apparently robbed him. As they distance themselves to the pointed direction, the "victim" just gives them a double-wide grin and skip-hops to the cop's car, which he promptly steals.
    Chester King: Fleeced ya, sucker!
    • At the end of the chase, Phelps calmly states "Now wasn't that a stupid thing to do?"
  • This exchange between Phelps and Earle.
    Earle: What's with that getup of yours anyway? "Hi, I'm Detective Roy Earle, and this is my science teacher, Mr. Phelps."
    Phelps: Your interest in my appearance is starting to get me worrying.
    Earle: Like it or not, we're a dysfunctional couple now. People judge me with you on my arm same way they would a fat broad with a five o'clock shadow.
    Phelps: I really hope you're joking, Roy.
  • One patrol case involves Cole chasing a man across a rooftop. As the man turns a corner behind a wall, Cole follows... only to be clotheslined by the man.
    • Note that this happens to him multiple times.
  • People have different reactions to the player commandeering their car, but the best has to be "If I find one goddamn ding!"
  • During the last Homicide case, Cole is about to head into a tar pit, to find a clue left on an island by the Black Dahlia killer. To do so, he changes into a pair of waders, which warrants much derision from Rusty. They really do look ridiculous on Cole!
    • Made even better when he glares at Rusty and puts on his fedora, because obviously if he's gonna go down in there, he'd damn well better have his hat on.
  • There's an idle car chatter moment during Phelps's time in Homicide that ends with Rusty shrugging off any idea of emotional intimacy between partners:
    Rusty: If you want somebody's shoulder to lean on, crawl into bed with your wife.
    Cole: Oh, Rusty...
  • Cole's Alas, Poor Yorick with a Shrunken Head replica and how he sheepishly clears his throat right after. Implied "Sorry, I couldn't help myself there".
    • And what he says right after he clears his throat:
    Phelps: Is it real?
    Carruthers: No.
    • Made even better because this marks one of two times Carruthers actually drops his stoic and professional demeanor enough to crack the hint of a smile.
      • There's also this exchange in "Nicholson Electroplating".
    Pinker: I have your photographs. You can use the magnifier. There is quite a lot of detail.
    [the first photograph is Phelps squinting after accidentally taking his own picture]
    Phelps: Very funny.
    Carruthers: I think you're right, Ray. We have our man. You take a nice photo, Phelps.
  • Our first glimpse of Mickey Cohen:
    Mickey: What can I say about Lenny? Let me think... oh yeah, he's a putz. And he's lazy, and he's greedy, but he's my wife's brother. How can you make a cake with those ingredients, huh?
  • The drunk outside the bar in "The Driver's Seat." "Hey, I know you!" "No you don't."
    • What sells this moment is the drunk's enthusiasm in contrast to Cole's stern deadpan.
    • The same drunk appears at Cole's funeral, so either he did know him after all, or the exchange just made a strong impression on him...
    • It's also rather strange, because the same man is the owner of an Army Surplus store that gets robbed in a Traffic street crime... and he gets shot by the robbers. Unless he got better, of course.
  • Captain Donnelly making off with a case of Cognac at the end of "The Silk Stocking Murder".
  • When Galloway taunts Jacob Henry over his wife's behavior, Jacob finally gets tired of it and abruptly stands up and knocks Galloway down with a single punch.
  • When Donnelly pours himself and Rusty drinks for the successful conclusion of a case, leaving Cole without one.
    • At a loss, Cole awkwardly toasts his colleagues with a phantom drink.
    • Also, note where they are. Not only did Galloway wreck Arturo Mendez' car, and Phelps throw him in jail, but Donnelly is drinking Arturo's booze.
  • "You'll be calling Richard Nixon a crook next!"
  • At the start of the Traffic arc, Captain Leary introduces Cole to the other traffic detectives, telling him to take a bow. Cole says he'd prefer to sit, before Leary orders him to bow. Cole then stands and nervously bows. Hilariously accompanied by Sarcastic Clapping and Flat Joy.
  • Stefan Bekowsky's exaggeration of how Cole Phelps earned his Silver Star:
    Bekowsky: So you won the Silver Star?
    Cole: I don't want to talk about it.
    Cole: No.
    Bekowsky: You were up there all night, draped in the flag, knife between your teeth, gun at the ready...
    Cole: You finished?
    Bekowsky: The Emperor Hirohito himself leading the charge against you...
  • During The White Shoe Slaying, when Cole says to suspect Richard Bates "Do you want my partner to SAP YOU?" while Galloway menaces Bates with a small, stubby police baton in an almost ridiculous manner.
    • Earlier before this scene, Cole and Rusty enter the bar looking for Bates. Rusty's immediate response when they see him? 'LAPD! Don't make me chase you, shitbird!' His delivery is absolutely hilarious.
    • During that same mission, when you tell Lars about the murder of his wife, he is sitting on the sofa next to his daughters who look about 7 or 8, (Considering that in an earlier mission a high-school aged girl looks 10, they're probably a bit older) the 2 girls leave the room immediately afterwards, Lars follows them, and they basically scream "WHERE'S MOMMY?" at him.
  • Cole and Biggs setting up a whip round for the Steffans family during "The Gas Man", and putting fifty dollars in on Cunningham's behalf.
  • Bekowsky trying to impress June Ballard and getting shot down.
    Bekowsky: What about me, June? I'm a big fan of Beast...
    June Ballard: No. You I don't like. Stay out of this.
  • During one of the murder cases when at the crime scene speaking to a suspect:
    Cole: What were you doing with the corpse?
    Jamison: You're gonna be upset if I tell you...
    Cole: Try me, Ferdinand.
    Jamison: Well... I was kissing her.
    Rusty: [with no buildup animation, no forewarning, immediately decks him]
    • And he keeps trying to do it, to the point where Cole has to restrain him. And then gets another shot in when Cole walks away.
  • Pedestrians will sprint out of the way of the player's car if they drive too closely. While sprinting, they will shove other people out of their way (a behavior shared with running suspects). Sometimes, this can lead to pedestrians shoving other people directly into the path of the player's car, seen here where a random woman appears to attempt to murder her husband in this manner, followed by this exchange:
    Wife: Where did you learn to drive?!
    Player's Partner: I think you're doing this on purpose.
    Husband: [gets up] ...I don't need this!
  • Your partner's comments when you drive recklessly. Some gems include:
    • "Whaha; You're gonna kill us all!"
    • "Ugh, I knew I should've driven."
    • "JESUS, Cole!"
    • "Take it easy there, Phelps. I'd rather get there in one piece."
    • "Watch out for the civilians!"
    • "You're gonna kill them!"
    • "Slow down before someone gets hurt!"
    • "Can we try to get to the destination in one piece?"
    • "I think you're doing this on purpose."
    • "NOW look what you've done!"
    • "There goes our week's wages!"
    • "This is coming out of your wages, not mine!"
    • "You're paying for every last scratch!"
    • "Thank God we're not in my car..."note 
    • "You're enjoying this, aren't you!?"
    • "Oh no... oh no, no, no! You did not just do that..."note 
    • "Everyone! Run! There's a maniac on the loose!"
    • "Sorry! My partner ain't exactly the best driver in the world."
    • "I think you're actually aiming for these people!"
    • "That was a tax-paying citizen you just bounced off the FUCKING HOOD, Phelps!"
    • "Can we try not killing the people who pay our salary?"
    • "Are you trying to mow them down?/run them over?"
    • "It's more fun if you use the siren, Phelps."
    • "God, this is like the war all over again!"
    • "God, this is a nightmare!"
    • "This ain't a tank, Cole!"
    • "Breathe, Phelps! Breathe, dammit!"
    • "Are you blind?"
    • "You can see these people, right?"
    • If you choose a delivery truck, a fire truck, or an ambulance:
      • "Fine, but if the Skipper sees us driving around in this, we're dead."
      • "You've gotta be kidding me. We're driving this?!"
    • "I wouldn't feel safe in a tank with you driving!"
    • "You want me to keep tabs on the path of destruction you're creating?! It might come in handy at your trial!"
    • (after running over a pedestrian) Well, now you've either gotta stop, or put your fuckin' foot down!
    • "Try making it to the next intersection without killing anybody. Can you do that for me?"
    • "Aaah! Unbelievable!"
    • (after running into another vehicle) "You got a siren, Phelps, or is this some form of stealth attack?"
    • Cole will occasionally talk back to them, making things even funnier.
    • Cole also has comments for when you successfully ditch your partner and continue the path of destruction:
      • "Are you stupid?"
      • "Sweet Jesus!"
      • "Just a scratch."
      • "You've got to be kidding me!"
      • "These people!"
      • "Careful..."
      • "Son of a bitch!"
      • "SHIT!"
    • Or when you drive recklessly while tailing someone, your partner has a few things to say:
      • "Now would be a bad time to forget how to drive, Cole!"
      • "Only half the neighborhood saw that!"
      • "Why would you put on the fucking sirens...!?"
    • The reactions of citizens to bad driving count, too!
  • When playing the game as Kelso, his response to any reckless driving the player might do, up to and including hitting someone by driving in the wrong lane? Blame it on the other car.
  • Another one with Rusty while tracking a bus during a murder investigation:
    Rusty: You shoulda gone around the other way. We would've caught up to it by now.
    Cole: How could I have known that then?
    Rusty: You gotta use your gut for these things. Your gut is clearly lacking.
    Cole: And your gut lacks for nothing, Rusty. Though lately it's been requesting beer.
  • Earle's line about wanting to get the case wrapped up, before he has to work overtime, rather than just charging for it.
  • It's easy to be looking at the map while traveling and drive off a cliff, onto a sidewalk, or hit someone. The above bad driver reactions make it even better.
  • Vincent Kartheiser wins "Best Appearance by a Mad Men Actor- Cameo." Hands down.
  • A bystander gets one, in the "Buyer Beware" Patrol case. It's not so much what he says as the way he says it that makes it hilarious.
    Cole: LAPD. Could you stand clear of the body, please? Has anyone called an ambulance?
    Stuart: We've called an ambulance and the police, but I'm afraid he's dead.
  • In "The Consul's Car", we get this little gem... He poses the question so casually, you can't help but snicker at least a little.
    Cole: You fuck young boys, Valdez?
    Valdez: ARE YOU A MADMAN?! This will cause an INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT!
  • We'd be much more tolerant of But Thou Must! moments in video games if they were all as funny as Captain Donnelly's hilariously explosive reaction to not getting a confession out of the suspect in the last Patrol case.
    • Made somehow better by the fact that this exact same cutscene appears every time the player messes up the interrogation, so a particularly inept player (or one trying to show every wrong answer) can get Cole shouted at by Connelly several times in a row.
    • Kalou's interrogation itself can be hilarious.
    Cole: Let's change the subject. Are you fasting for Yom Kippur, Mr. Kalou?
    Kalou: Yeah, let's change the subject, you goy motherfucker - how about baseball?!
  • Kelso sticking it to Roy Earle during his interrogation.
    Kelso: [to Phelps] You're trying to make a name for yourself with this shit-heel? Look at this chump, with his $200 suit and his $2,000 car!
  • After the massive explosion in Nicholson Electroplating, Ray Pinker assures Biggs and Phelps of their safety in the most morbid way possible:
    Pinker: It wasn't nuclear. If it was, we'd all be dead from the radiation.
    Biggs: That's reassuring. What's radiation?
    • In fact, this case is filled with Gallows Humour, possibly as a coping mechanism for the horrors they're facing.
      • For example, when a dead man falls out of a fridge...
      Biggs: Do you think I could fit in there? I couldn't fit in there.
      Phelps: I'd like to think you would have had something more to say about getting shoved in a fridge, Herschel.
    • Later on in the case, Ray Pinker pulls a trick on Cole involving a miniature explosion. It's a funny moment by itself, but then Carruthers caps it of by saying, unamused, that Pinker got him with the same trick an hour earlier.
    Pinker: It's okay guys, just a little experiment.
    Officer Leroy Tate: Can you guys knock it off? Everyone is still jumpy from that bang this morning.
    Biggs: Very funny, Ray. You just took a couple years off my life expectancy.
    Carruthers: Did the same trick to me an hour ago.
    • Made even funnier in a Funny Background Event, where Carruthers immediately hides behind a counter when he walks in. Along with Pinker's gleeful grin, the gamer that notices this knows this won't end well.
  • The ridiculous expressions Frank Morgan makes while trying to cover his lies.
  • Phelps discovering the name "Masangkay" written on a notepad in "Reefer Madness."
    Cole: Is this a drug, or a village in Borneo?
  • Touring the soup cannery with Roy in "Reefer Madness". Roy accuses Cole of checking out the secretaries, moans that seeing soup be made will spoil his appetite for it, compares the tour to a field trip and mocks Cole for being white-bread enough to find it interesting.
    • Also this exchange in the beginning of the case, upon Roy being told that he has to pay an informant $50 out of pocket and fill out an expense report later:
    Roy: Fifty bucks? Do they think I'm made of money?
    Cole: No, you just look like you're made of money.
    Roy: Oh, very good. The kid's on form. I'd say on a scale of dull to scintillating, you're a solid tedious today, which you can be pleased with.
    • Then there is the scene if Cole decides to open the can with a Jack In the Box. Roy calls him out on being scared, despite himself being clearly scared by it.
  • Cole and Stefan in the DLC case, A Slip of the Tongue, after interrogating Jean Archer. The delivery from the three actors is what makes the scene.
    Cole: Some career advice, Jean: get out of crime. Marry someone boring who has money and will find you captivating.
    Jean: Is this guy for real?
    Stefan: He takes a little getting used to. But yeah, he means what he says!
    • Or: Cole and Stefan are preparing to bust a car theft ring in a warehouse that's been confirmed to be loaded with bad guys.
      Cole: *from behind the wall* Cole Phelps, LAPD. All of you are coming downtown with me.
    • Of course there is also the first talk with the car salesman. He seems a lot like a joker.
      Coombs: Well, some people would say that my cars are a steal. *Beat* That's a joke, son.
      • And then:
      Coombs: It's in my office. Walk this way... [walks in front like a drunken clown] That's a joke too, son.
      Stefan: [to Phelps] Phelps, do you mind if I shoot this guy? He's getting on my nerves.
      • And lastly:
      Stefan: [whiningly] Let me shoot this guy. Please?
      • He then goes on to compare the statement "Car Salesmen are assholes" to a chicken-and-egg situation. Phelps proceeds to thoroughly discuss the guy's behavior.
  • In The Gas Man, when Cole accuses Clemens of being an arsonist he goes on a rant about how he burned down his home because his wife committed adultery and won it in the divorce settlement. Biggs shakes his hand.
    • Made even funnier for Angel fans as this is Connor and Holtz reuniting.
  • Roy complaining about how they have to tour the factory during Reefer Madness.
    Earle: "I hate seeing how things are made. It's like when I went to the slaughterhouse and couldn't eat steak for a week."
  • This moment in Manifest Destiny. Cole and Bekowsky are discussing the deaths of a four-piece band, when Roy Earle ruins the moment:
    Stefan Bekowsky: Get this: They used to be in a four-piece but the trombone player and the drummed OD'd.
    Cole Phelps: Don't tell me: Lamont and Tyree? We've met the rest of the band.
    Roy Earle: Now they're a no-piece. *self-satisfied chuckle with a huge grin*
    • Later on, during the same mission, Earle and Phelps get some surprising news from Dispatch, leading to this:
    Roy Earle: Well, I'll be damned.
    Dispatch: That's not correct protocol, 11K. I'll take that as a "roger".
  • The briefing for The Fallen Idol.
    Gordon Leary: You have a new case. Two women, possible drink drive.
    Stefan Bekowsky: How is that a case?
    Gordon Leary: The broad says she was doped and that somebody tried to kill her.
    Cole Phelps: Where did this take place?
    Gordon Leary: That's the bit you're gonna' love. Right across the street.
    Stefan Bekowsky: What?!
  • Bekowsky, is a straight cop, but a serious snarker - This niblet of dialogue from 'The Consul's Car':
    Oswald Jacobs: Damn kids play stickball here, always breaking my windows, always asking for their ball back! Maybe you can do something about 'em?
  • This brilliant piece of ambient pedestrian dialogue while tailing Candy Edwards in The Setup:
    "Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it."
    • Quite a lot of the pedestrian chatter is funny as well.
    "She wants a five-star goddamn wedding!"
    "There's such a thing as soap, you know!"
    "I swear, this city is going straight to Hell!"
    "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
    "You're a real asshole!"
    "You know why Santa Claus is so jolly? He knows where all the bad girls live."
    "If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?"
    "I was married by a judge. Should've asked for a jury."
    "You’re the reason brothers and sisters shouldn’t marry."
    "Let’s play horse, I’ll be the front end and you can be yourself."
    "Were you raised by wolves Tarzan? Clean that up!"
  • The less than stellar controls for driving can lead into some gut busting moments for the player.
  • If you ditch your partner and manage to get far enough away, they'll need to hitch a ride from other cops to catch up with you.
  • Since cutscenes are triggered by your proximity to a certain area, it can be pretty funny to see your totally wrecked car inching it's way toward the crime scene, but parked perfectly in the cutscene. Even better, it's possible at some places to get within range while hurtling towards the building off a cliff, only to be saved by the cutscene at the last minute.
  • Cole's exchange with Officer Hart at the railway, during the Studio Secretary Murder:
    Cole Phelps: Jamison found the body?
    Officer Hart: ...Something like that.
  • Overheard at the police station: "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure..."
  • When your car is so wrecked that it's barely drivable, but you take it to where you need to go. Then you save and realize that it's completely fixed once you reload.
  • In the first murder case there's a street crime called "Death Plunge", with a man threatening to jump off a building. A nearby officer offers to talk to him and keep him from jumping while Phelps scales the building to grab him, claiming he "knows psychology."
    Officer: If you're jumping, make sure you warn me before you do.
    Jumper: I WILL! ...Wait, what?
    • He also talks about the first time he saw somebody jump, and how he still can't eat spaghetti sauce.
  • Usually, when a person Cole is questioning lies about something, Cole is not happy about it, but there is an instance with both Jean Archer and Reginald Varley where the lies they produce are so flimsy that there's a brief moment where Cole looks ready to laugh.
  • The game just got an official release for virtual reality. Knowing it'd be hard to take serious, GTA Series Videos has been doing quite possibly the funniest walkthrough one can possibly do of LA Noire!
  • some NPC dialogue "You are the reason brother and sister should not get married."
  • Cunningham of Gulliver's Travel Agency gets volunteered to donate $50 to a family whose house burned down.
    Biggs: Good man, Cunningham. You're alright.
    Cunningham: (defeated) Sure. Poorer, but alright.
  • At the start of "A Marriage Made in Heaven", if you walk right through the trail of blood leading up to Lester's body, Carruthers will say this:
    Mal: Careful where you're stepping, Phelps. I don't come down to the station house and tap dance on your desk.
  • The first case in the Vice desk has Roy and Phelps pinning Merlon as the guy who has been supplying morphine to the drug sellers. He doesn't take it lightly, but the way it just cuts to the next scene of Merlon being hauled away just makes the whole thing hilarious.
    Phelps: You distribute for the Jews. You're a patsy.
    Ottie: I don't know what you're talking about. I distribute for the LAPD, motherfucker!
    Fuck you, and fuck you. You'll never put a charge on me.
  • Jermaine Jones in the same case is also pretty funny, starting with his frequent use of 'motherfucker'. And while Phelps is interrogating him, Earle steals a cigar off his desk and lights up.
    I could use act like you two. Those fucks Abbott and Costello are on the slide. Hollywood could use another couple of deeply unfunny whitebread humps like you.
  • This exchange from "Reefer Madness".
    Officer Dudley Wheelright: Detectives? You'll want to come meet Mr. Fickman, the neighbor. Sounds like he's got something for you.
    Phelps: Detectives Phelps and Earle. We were told you—
    Andrew Fickman: Always knew they were up to no good. Some of a bitch spent more time in the chicken coop than in his house.
    Phelps: Thank you, sir. That's very helpful. And, next time you witness suspect behavior through the crack in your curtains, please call us before something like this happens.

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