- The first scene in the film. It's Mindy shooting Dave in the chest the same way her dad did to her with a SIG-Sauer p230. Dave obivously doesn't want to go through with it, but Mindy says that if he doesn't, he doesn't need to do it: then does it anyway. After that, she pulls out a Smith & Wesson Model 629 Classic chambered for the .44 Magnum. Dave makes her promise to him that she won't say she won't do it then shoot him in the chest. She shoots him in the back as he's walking away instead.
- During a training exercise, Mindy has Dave dress up in garb that's certain to attract muggers. She has him don a flashy, all-white suit, fur-coat and hat and carry around several bags full of expensive-looking items. Dave's comment on it just seals the deal.Dave: I am the whitest pimp ever.
- Doctor Gravity referring to the more muscled of Kick-Ass' attackers as he beats him down with his bat as a: "JERSEY SHORE MOTHERFUCKER!"
- Motherfucker trying to rob a store in order to get filmed, only to find out the store has no security cameras, then he holds his Para-Ordnance Nite-Tacs on an elderly man who warns him about the guns having a kick if fired sideways. He fires anyways and receives the recoiled frame straight to the head, then he angrily starts firing his guns randomly into the cold cooler display case.
- Mindy's reaction to the Union J music video. She has no idea how to react to being aroused.Mindy: What the fuck was that?''
- Dave ousting Marty's bullshit origin story.Marty: Dave? Why are you dressed like Kick-Ass?
Dave: Because, I'm Kick-Ass.
- This exchange.Colonel Stars-and-Stripes: If you'd consider it, Kick-Ass, we'd be honored to have you join us.
Kick-Ass: ... HELL, YEAH!!!
Everyone Else: [cheers]
Colonel Stars-and-Stripes: That's what I like to hear! [bro fist] Right, time for initiation. Turn around and I'll unzip you.
Kick-Ass: [Beat] I'm sorry, what?
Colonel Stars-and-Stripes: Just joking. Let's get down to business.
Everyone Else: [laughs]
Doctor Gravity: Gotcha.
- While the Colonel's speech is genuinely Heartwarming, the conclusion is priceless.Sal: People should get what they deserve. Family living in the street deserves a hot meal. An inebriated college girl deserves to make it home safe at night. And a pervert, pedophile, [takes a random guy's hotdog wiener and holds it up] deserves a visit from Eisenhower... [offers it to his German Shepherd, who perks up at the sight of it] Schwantz! [she snaps up the sausage, while Kick-Ass covers his privates protectively]
- Then later... "Yeah! There's a dog on your balls!"
- Chris claiming that two prostitutes are his "sidekicks".Javier: They're not your sidekicks, Chris. they're prostitutes and witnesses. Alright, sorry, no offense.
- Javier noticing the Unfortunate Implications of having Mother Russia and The Motherfucker on the same team. Hell, his entire reaction to all the hilariously racist names Chris keeps suggesting for the Toxic Mega-Cunts.Javier: We got, uh, Katrina Dumbrovski.
Chris: Wait, wait, wait. A chick?
Chris: Seriously, you hired a chick?
Javier: Yeah. Former KGB. She was locked up in the Gulag until she ate her cellmate.
- Javier's reaction to being called Chris' "Alfred to [Chris'] evil Bruce Wayne."Javier: Did you just call me your fuckin' butler?
Chris: ... Is that not a compliment?
- Ralph D'Amico's reaction to Chris calling himself The Motherfucker.
- Motherfucker's reaction to Mother Russia's suggestion about killing Eisenhower.
- Doubles as a Take That! to the comic the film is based on, as The Motherfucker is much more sociopathic there. Christopher Mintz-Plasse was against such scenes and likely asked the writers to throw that line in instead.
- Dave's shirt that reads "I hate reboots".
- Mindy getting her revenge against the popular girls with a specially designed shock baton her father bought from DARPA that makes them vomit and soil themselves at the same time.Brooke: Well, either your dad got ripped off, or you're back in make-believe land, sweetheart. Because we feel fabulous.
Mindy: Not for long.
- Motherfucker trying and failing to rape Night Bitch, while under her civilian identity; Miranda Swedlow. He starts to take his equipment out, only to pause, and turn around to start playing with himself when he gets erectile dysfunction, then Night Bitch and even his own man, the Tumor; start chuckling at his predicament.The Motherfucker: You're done bangin' superheroes, baby! It's time to see what evil dick feels like! [dramatic unzipping of his leather pants] ... Shit.
Tumor: What's wrong? ... What are you doing? ... Come on!
The Motherfucker: God, okay, I'm just... I'm not in the mood!
Miranda: I guess evil dick feels limp!
- Black Death and Genghis Carnage fanboying all over Mother Russia's CMOA.
- "Game on, cocksuckers!"
- After Mindy rescues Dave, she motivates Dave into getting revenge on the Motherfucker. She then tells Dave that shes going make the Tumor eat his own dick. His response:Tumor: Seriously?
- The Running Gag with the shark.Black Death: That shark is dead.
Mother Russia: No. He is just hungry. We should feed him.
Black Death: ... Why you looking at me?
- The Motherfucker proudly explains that they will turn the bags of manure he ordered into bombs... until Genghis Carnage explains that this requires chemical fertilizers.
- Mindy's reaction to Mother Russia blocking her throwing knives.
- Chris D'Amico's attempt at a quasi Straw Nihilist / Breaking Speech falls quite flat, not to mention sounding absolutely hilarious.The Motherfucker: Jesus, you are such a pussy. What is the point of wearing a mask if you can't do what you want?!
Kick-Ass: We want — to do good.
The Motherfucker: No, people [smashes his knee] WANT to win the lottery! People WANT [cracks Dave's knee again] to fuck Scarlett Johansson!
- After Mindy kisses Dave, she tells him to be nice about it, otherwise shell rip his ass out of his mouth.
- In the TV edit, after asking Kick-Ass to get her a pair of pliers, Mindy proclaims they are so she can make the Tumor eat his shoes , instead of the original Groin Attack.
Funny / Kick-Ass 2