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Funny / Kaamelott

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  • In "L'ivresse" ("Drunkenness"), a Livre II episode, we're shown some of the main characters drunk. Starts with Bohort calmly suggesting they let him kick the crap out of a rival clan chief, and tops it with Perceval passed out on a tavern table suddenly raising his head and shouting "Independent Wales!" at the top of his lungs.
  • The Ankou showing up in the middle of the night to take the body of a recently dead servant, and ending up drinking "one more for the road" with Arthur.
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  • Arthur finding out that Perceval is alive after hearing he died. "But you're not dead, you bastard?!"
  • Any episode with Merlin is bound to have one of those. Most notably, as one of the biggest Cloudcuckoolander in the show, many of his Funny moments happens when he seriously states the obvious, usually about his own ineptitude:
    Father Blaise: [while the ceremony they're conducting has been stopped] Well, that's good; that means you'll have more time to decipher the text.
    Merlin: [in a calm, exasperate tone] I don't need time to "decipher the text"; I can't read Druidic.
  • EVERY. SINGLE. THING. The Burgundian king has ever said or done. Especially when he starts singing.
  • The taunts used by the Weaponmaster are so deliciously gross, they all belong in there. Now in rap form. Here's a few examples:
    Weaponmaster: Come on, on guard, sweetheart! I'm gonna cut the fat out of your ass, that's one thing you won't have to carry any more!

    Weaponmaster: Buck up, pumpkin! you're gonna get your ding-a-ling sharpened to a point!

    Weaponmaster: On guard, you old balding whore!/fat bitch!

    Weaponmaster: Sire! My father might have been missing a leg, but at least my wife doesn't have a mustache!

    Weaponmaster: [to the tune of "À la volette"] Our good King Arthur is a little bitch!
    Our good King Arthur is a little bitch!
    Is a lit—,
    A la volette,
    Is a lit—,
    A la volette,
    Is a little bitch!
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  • The man's Establishing Character Moment:
    Guenièvre: Isn't today your training session with the weaponmaster?
    Arthur: I dunno, maybe...
    The weaponmaster: [offscreen] Haha, sire, I'm waiting! Unless you'd rather have it known that the king is a little poofter who shits himself at the idea of getting in a fight?
    Arthur: Yeah, it's today.
  • "La Quinte Juste":
    Father Blaise: The next person I catch whistling a pagan interval, I'M REPORTING HIM TO THE POPE!!!
  • Anytime Father Blaise loses his temper, really.
    Father Blaise: [reading a book to Karadoc] The respective wives, should be presented...
    [cue Karadoc sleeping, starting to snore]
    Father Blaise: ... Ho!
    Karadoc: [wakes up] Huh ?
    Father Blaise: Say, are you bloody kidding me?? Since this morning, you've been busting my prunes because you wanted me to read this to you, and now you're sleeping??
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  • In Livre VI, Lucius Sallustius, while not exactly as harmless as Father Blaise, is quite a short-tempered serious man himself.
    [exiting his office building with his right-hand man, after a fight with some senators]
    Sallustius: [twitching and stuttering] LAST SEASON FOR THE MORONS!!! Get the tools, we move on from negotiation to disintegration.
    Capito: The four of them, at one stroke??
    Sallustius: At one stroke. Collective ass-kicking.
    Capito: Wouldn't it be a bit obvious?
    Sallustius: I don't give a damn. You can crucify them on the forum, if you want; I will pay the orchestra.
  • Léodagan, thanks to the marvelously deadpan delivery of his actor, can have some of the funniest lines — on the condition that you appreciate Black Humor. Especially during his spats of Tranquil Fury.
    • The one most rolling-on-the-floor-in-laughter-worthy time: after being kept awake for hours by Yvain and Arthur playing the lute, Léodagan comes in and, deceptively calm, describes how he's about to start setting things on fire — maybe the whole castle while he's at it.
      Léodagan: Even the furniture! Doesn't scare me.
    • Perceval finds an oud abandoned by Gipsies ("Their crossbows sure look weird"). When Arthur starts playing it at night, Léodagan yells at him to shut up. He gets maybe ten seconds of respite before Arthur starts playing again... while singing. Léodagan's (lack of) expression is priceless.
    • There is also the one time when, following rumors of the death of the king and queen of Carmélide, they discover that the culprit is Yvain and his (latest) poor choice of a nom de guerre. Cue Léodagan threatening his son with a crossbow, Arthur (with a small wooden shield) and Father Blaise bodily protecting the young knight, while Séli (half-heartedly) tries to reason her husband. Father Blaise explains that they'll produce a disclaimer... but can't help adding that the news won't make everybody happy. Fade to black, and there's the sound of a bolt hitting wood.
    • Also, you won't see many scenes with both Léodagan and Loth before Livre VI. But when there is one...
      Léodagan: [completely deadpan] Tell me, aren't you supposed to be under house arrest, you very big pile of dung?
    • One scene has him finally proven right about the coastal watchtowers: Yvain and Gauvain having lit the beacon (hours after the Viking ships were first spotted, letting them approach unimpeded), he tells them to get one of the messenger pigeons so the army can be warned. The 'Vains tell him they released the pigeons, as they kept crapping everywhere. Léodagan sprouts a horrifyingly (on him) cheerful smile, as his brain tries to process this latest stupidity.
  • From one of the pilots: two Vikings show up and demand tribute lest they destroy the castle. Arthur gives them a spoon.
    Arthur: Here. It's a relic. It has immense value.
    Sven: It's a spoon!
  • "Des Hommes d'honneur" ("Men of Honor") contains an excellent Deconstruction of Dungeon Crawling:
    Léodagan: A room full of bags of gold — and to guard the whole thing, a six-headed hydra.
    Arthur: A six-headed hydra?!
    Léodagan: Yes, your majesty! Myself, I've already done a four-headed one, well it wasn't a walk in the park, I can assure you.
    Arthur: I've done a six-headed one, once.
    Léodagan: Ah yeah? And so...
    Arthur: I nearly got wasted.
    Léodagan: Oh?
    Arthur: And we were three. You're sure about this?
    Léodagan: Well, to tell the truth, I asked for something hard, so we could gloat a bit when we'll be back...
    Arthur: Yeah, but with a six-headed hydra, we aren't going to gloat for long, I can tell you...
    [later, in the dungeon]
    Arthur: This place is familiar...
    Léodagan: You'll comment the visit another time.
    Arthur: No, no joking, I feel like I've already been here...
    Léodagan: Of course not! Once inside, all lost temples look alike.
    Arthur: What did you tell me it was called, already?
    Léodagan: I couldn't have told you, I don't know.
    Arthur: Wouldn't it be the Temple of... Mylère?...
    Léodagan: Méhilir! No, no, that's it, the Temple of Méhilir. Okay, are we butchering this hydra, or do we just camp here?
    [Arthur sheathes Excalibur]
    Arthur: That's the one hydra.
    Léodagan: The one what?
    Arthur: The one I killed. There's been no hydra here for a good while already.
    Léodagan: Well, that's perfect! All we're left to do is pick the dough.
    Arthur: You don't think I've fought a six-headed hydra just to leave empty-handed, do you? I took everything.
    Léodagan: What? [Arthur nods] Is that a joke?!
    Arthur: No offense, but your intel is a tad dated...
  • "Le Magnanime" ("The Magnanimous", in Livre III) revolves around Léodagan becoming "softer", then toughening up again with a massive stake (43 people), giving out an awful smell in all the castle. Then, the episode cuts to the tavern:
    Bartender: [sniffing out] I don't know if there's a village feast, or else... But there's lamb on the spit.
    Karadoc: [looking concerned] It's not lamb.
    Perceval: Duck, maybe.
    Karadoc: [still concerned] It's not duck.
    Bartender: Well, what could it be, then?
    Karadoc: See, that's what 's bothering me; it's unknown food to me.
  • "Unagi IV", or "Self-Defense against Fennel".
    Karadoc: Step one, learn to recognize punt objects.
    Arthur: Punt?
    Perceval: Punt objects; objects that do harm. Is that the right word?
    Arthur: No, no, sorry, I misheard, punt objects. Carry on.
    Perceval: So, Sire, do you think that a fennel is a punt object?
    Arthur: Well, I'm not an expert on fennel combat, but instinctively, I'd say it's not.
    [Perceval and Karadoc laugh]
    Karadoc: Trick question.
    Perceval: In this case, the answer is both yes and no.
    Karadoc: The newbie sees it, grabs it by the stem and tries to hit you with the sporadic part, right?
    Arthur: The sporadic part.
    Perceval: Yeah, sporadic, when it's ball-shaped.
    Arthur: Uh huh.
    Karadoc: You'd have taken it by the stem, right?
    Arthur: This is still in the event that I find myself having to fight with a fennel, yes?
    Perceval: Yeah.
    Arthur: Possibly, yes.
    Karadoc: And that's where you'd be wrong! because if we look closely, we observe that the sporadic part has no prosperities, and therefore, is smooth.
    Perceval: It is better to grab it by the ballian part—
    Karadoc: —Or sporadic—
    Perceval: —and fight with the stem.
    Karadoc: The stemian part.
    Perceval: Of which the tip can be considered punty.
    Karadoc: You still following, sire?
  • "La morsure du Dace" ("The Dacian's Bite") alternates between funny and Nightmare Fuel and sometimes has both at the same time. When Arthur's mistress wakes up with a vampirised Arthur right next to her, she screams and asks what's happening to him. His answer is a great big smile and "I don't know, but it's fun!"... And then he tries to bite her.
  • "Séli et les rongeurs" ("Séli and the rodents"): Séli strews cheese around the kitchen to catch a mouse with a huge mallet. Perceval comes in.
    Perceval: Oh hey, that's funny, all this cheese on the floor. Is that what they call a fondue?
And then she atomizes Karadoc's foot while trying to kill the mouse.
  • "L'adoubement" ("The Knighting"): Perceval reveals he's never been dubbed a knight.
    Perceval: But what's it matter anyway?
    Father Blaise: If you weren't knighted you're not a knight.
    Perceval: Excuse me?
    Father Blaise: Sorry, the texts are very clear. "Only those dubbed a knight are knights."
    Perceval: Nope, still not seeing the connection.
    Arthur: We're telling you that without it, you're not a knight.
    Perceval: Without armor or a sword, okay, but—
    Arthur: It's not a question of having armor or a sword, you could wander around with a soup spoon and it wouldn't change anything. Dubbing is the requirement to be a knight.
    Perceval: Requirement? But what about all those meetings around the table?
    Arthur: Exactly! If you're not a knight, you shouldn't be there!
    Perceval: Huh.
    Father Blaise: Maybe we just dubbed him real quick and just forgot about it?
    Perceval: Eh, thanks, but don't bust your hump over me.
    Arthur: We don't care about you!
    Perceval: What do you mean?
    Arthur: I'm the one we need to bust humps over. If people learn I'm sticking bumpkins who aren't even knights around the Round Table, tomorrow I've got half of Britain riding my ass!
    ''[as Perceval, Arthur and Father Blaise are going through the records]
    Father Blaise: Here we go, Bohort, Calogrenant, Dagonet, Lancelot, Léodagan... not in the Ls, here we are... M, P...
    Arthur: Well, is he there or not?
    Father Blaise: I'm at "P" but there's no Perceval recorded.
    Arthur: What about in the Gsnote ?
    Perceval: Gerceval?
    Arthur: Perceval of Wales.
    Father Blaise: Galahad, Gauvain... no, not in the Gs either.
    Perceval: What about the Fs?
    Father Blaise: The? Fs?
    Perceval: Yeah, we didn't look in there. Did we?
  • An early episode reveals that this isn't unusual behavior for Perceval: For a time he went around doing heroic deeds (somehow), except he gave his name as Provençal the Gaul.
  • Léodagan's description of a rhinoceros to his wife: It's like a mouse, only more African.
  • A musical crossover with Kaamelott, by the makers of Le Donjon de Naheulbeuk.
  • "Unagi III":
    • Arthur explains that it's easier to dodge an attack by not looking directly at the attacker but placing themselves at an angle, around 30 degrees. After some experimentation with ice cubes, Karadoc and Perceval decide to forget the whole "30 degrees" thing and move on to dodging attacks with their eyes closed, getting Arthur to help when this fails to work for some reason.
    • Arthur tells Karadoc to attack, holding his dagger out to block. Karadoc runs up with his sword held high... and keeps going past Arthur, making no attempt to attack.
  • "Les Nouveaux Frères", where Yvain and Gauvain are thinking of forming a team, but Yvain needs his parents' permission (which they refuse):
    Arthur: Can I ask why?
    Léodagan: Because I don't think two assholes work better than one.

    Arthur: You're both young men—
    Léodagan: Both dumbasses.
    Arthur: No, come on. You're both... inexperienced knights—
    Léodagan: Both dumbasses!
    Arthur: Okay, maybe, I don't know them well enough.
  • "La mort le roy Artu": Father Blaise is running guided tours of Kaamelott to raise money, including Arthur's tomb. How does Arthur find out? The tour group passes him and Lancelot, and Father Blaise doesn't miss a beat:
    Father Blaise: Over there you can see the famous lord Lancelot, and his... faithful squire or something. We will now visit the tomb of King Arthur, that legendary symbol of Breton might.
  • Perceval learns to use a bow:
    Arthur: When I taught you to use a bow, it took an entire morning, you broke two strings, poked yourself in the eye three times, poked me in the eye twice, and to top it all off you shot an arrow into a horse's ass while it was behind you.


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