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Funny / Judge Judy

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  • Any particularly egregious Bad Liar.
  • His window hit my elbow.
    • For that matter, everytime Judy laughs.
  • Anytime Judy goes into snark mode.
  • What has been (incorrectly) referred to as her quickest court case: the plaintiff came in asking for restitution from two guys who stole her purse and the items inside, though they denied they had it.
    Plantiff: I had gift cards in there, my earpiece, and a calculator.
    Defendant: [speaking up] There was no earpiece in there, ma'am.
    Judge Judy: I love it! I love it. [to Byrd] That's Dumb and Dumber. Judgment for the plaintiff for the amount of $500. That's what I think it's worth, madam. Goodbye.
    • NOTE: The case is actually standard length. Based on the YouTube clip that has gone viral, people assume the YouTube clip is the entirety of the case. It isn't. Nevertheless, the trope still does apply.
  • This particular exchange, as seen in Judyisms:
    Plaintiff: But he cheats all the time!
    Judge Judy: Are you trying to justify to me the fact that you're an idiot?!
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  • In a case from 2007, a woman lost a case against another woman who had shot her dog, primarily because she didn't have a leash on the dog and blew the case out of proportion, realizing she was responsible for her dog being shot (there were signs up too). Judy was full of her usual gems, including this particular gem (when the plaintiff was asked why she kept changing her story about there being no leash):
    Judge Judy: Oh, I get it, it was snatched by the leash fairy!!!
  • In one case, a woman ruined her boyfriend's clothes by pouring bleach all over them. She then goes on a 30 second rant, which consisted of almost nothing but insults directed at him. Judge Judy gloriously and hilariously put her in her place - and then proceeded to rule against her in the full $5,000 amount of the plaintiff's complaint (thus also instantly dismissing the defendant's counterclaim) when the defendant still refused to shut up.
    Judge Judy: LISTEN TO ME! (Beat) Where do you think you are? You think you're on Springer? YOU'RE NOT!
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  • The cell phone eBay scamming case. After Judge Judy questions the scammer, who claims that the auction was for two photos of the cell phone instead of two cell phones, the scammer insists that that's what they paid for.
    Judge Judy: YOU'RE AN IDIOT!
    Judge Judy: Listen to me. I'm older, smarter. If you live to be a hundred and fifty, you're not going to be as smart as I am in one finger!
  • The 1997 case of Williams v. Lydon. Drummer Robert Williams (who played with such bands as Captain Beefheart, Tex and the Horseheads, and Zoogz Rift) was suing John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols) for assault and lost wages. Lydon's courtroom antics were epic; he even made JJ herself laugh at one point. Here's a few excerpts.
  • A 2015 case saw a former boyfriend and girlfriend against each other. Judy asks when they started dating, but he does not know the answer. She then proceeds to ask him when his birthday was, followed by his mother's birthday. While it may be expected that a son might have a bit of a problem remembering his mother's birthday, Judy then pointedly asks when the girlfriend's birthday was. He doesn't have a clue that her birthday is the Fourth of July! Not even Judy can resist laughing.
  • In a 2015 case, Judy had no patience for a crybaby suing her own son for breaking her Grandma's china.
    Judge Judy: You say no, I say yes. I win. I'm the Judge. Goodbye.
    • The taper even squeezes in one at the end with his reaction: "Murdered".
  • One defendant answers Judge Judy's rhetorical question about rocket science. You know you've really stuck your foot in your mouth when Byrd is shaking his head.
    Defendant: Rocket science is when the scientists find out things about space...I think.
  • Circa 2001: The judge heard a case from a teenage girl suing her boyfriend for damaging several music compact discs. The plaintiff brought the ruined albums to court with her, which turned out to be mostly hip-hop and R&B albums. Judge Judy examined the discs, which included titles such as DMX's Flesh of My Flesh, Blood of My Blood (the cover of which featured the rapper nude and covered in blood), which led to this exchange:
    Judge Judy: [to Byrd] Whatever happened to Benny Goodman?
    Byrd: He was replaced by "Bootleg Booty."
    Judge Judy: "Bootleg Booty"? [to plaintiff] Have you ever heard of Barry Manilow?
  • Circa 2003?: In hearing a case in which the plaintiff was suing the defendants for assault in a dispute over a parking space, Judge Judy invited the plaintiff up to the bench so she could get a better look at the scar on the plaintiff's face.
    Judge Judy: Don't have it fixed. When you get older, it'll just be another one of those lines that starts creeping around your face. [turns to Byrd] I know you don't understand that, because you have a mustache. [audience laughs]
    Byrd: Maybe it's because "Black Don't Crack." [audience laughs again]
    Judge Judy: [laughing] Oh no, you're not gonna escape. No one gets away, sweetheart.
  • Circa 2005: Her Honor threw the defendant and his witness out of the courtroom when the defendant wouldn't stop interrupting the plaintiff's testimony.
    Judge Judy: I have other things to do today. I have to get home! [points to her watch] "Judge Judy" is on! [audience laughs]
  • In a case involving a very young little girl, Judge Judy spoke very gently and calmly to her. After asking her questions about the case, she asked a few others (either to get a laugh or to judge the child's ability to tell the truth), including asking if the child thought she (JJ) was beautiful. The child answered "no," prompting laughter in the court and a grin and snicker from JJ. When asked to clarify why she thought that, the child responded, "You're old." Cue more amusement from everybody present.
  • Circa 2003?: The smallest judgment ever awarded in Judge Judy's courtroom... one nickel, in a case involving a firearms sale in which the defendant testified that the plaintiffs had originally been willing to let him have the firearms for five cents. Judge Judy literally had the defendant take a nickel out of his pocket and give it to Byrd to hand to the plaintiffs (who had been suing for several hundred dollars for the return of the firearms or their value).
  • April 23, 2018 case: a middle-aged couple were being sued by a relative for the return of a loan, and their defense was that they'd done things to help out the plaintiff as well, which ought to cancel out the debt. It turned out she was correct since the defendants were talking about chores such as mowing the lawn, not money.
    Judge Judy: I guarantee you, on Byrd's life [cue mock outraged look from Byrd], that the two of you never gave him any money!
  • May 2018 case: a man is suing another driver for backing into his car. While describing the car he was driving, the man delved into the history of the car. Judge Judy cuts him off by saying "T.M.I." The litigants and the extras cracking up is a given. Byrd cracking up is Adorkable. Even better, Judge Judy is audibly confused as to why everyone is laughing and can't get a straight answer from Byrd.
  • An example given to a defendant who claimed she had waived a guarantee in a case involving a beauty salon visit:
    Judge Judy: Let me give you an example. Let's say I buy a car - no, let's make it better, Byrd buys a car, because I want him to pay attention. The car is guaranteed for 100,000 miles from stem to stern. Byrd has the car for three days. The car blows up. Byrd takes the car back to the dealership and complains, saying, "You gave me a guarantee." The dealer tells him, "We waive the guarantee. Because we knew that the person who put the car together wasn't wrapped too tight, so we waive the guarantee." What do you think Byrd would do? [to Byrd] What would you do?
    Byrd: I'd take it to Judge Judy.
    [Judge Judy and the audience laugh]
    Judge Judy: Someone gave you very bad legal advice if they told you that you, and not the customer, could waive a guarantee. And I don't know whoever said that, but they must have gotten their legal license in "Close the Cover Before You Strike" School.
  • The conclusion of a case from circa 2010, dealing with a dispute over a Honda and a Prius.
    Judge Judy: [to plaintiff] Do you have the title to the Honda?
    Plaintiff: Yes, I do.
    Judge Judy: Great. Sign it over to him [the defendant]. Now!
    Plaintiff: Okay.
    Defendant: Wait, Your Honor...
    Judge Judy: [quietly] Listen to me. [louder, sing-song voice] YOU'RE GETTING... THE HON-DA! It's yours! ... You're going to pay her another $1900, then the Honda's yours. And then I can go do something that I find interesting. This is not it.
    [The plaintiff then becomes upset when the judge tells her the defendant will not be paying off her Prius.]
    Judge Judy: [sing-song] THAT'S WHAT'S HAP-PEN-ING! Understand this!
    Plaintiff: Your Honor, I have evidence that he agreed to pay off the car in six months...
    Judge Judy: Listen to me, dear. Your Honda was worth $6000. He's going to pay $6000 and the Honda is now his. He has already paid $4100 toward your Prius. He is going to give you another $1900 and I... [looks toward her office] am going through that door. [over both litigants' protests] SIGN IT! [sing-song] 1-2-3... 4-5-6... 7-8-9... 10... You're both going to be out of here, and then you can both deal with your problems without me!
    [The plaintiff continues to protest about damages to the Prius, so Judge Judy gives her the option to accept her judgment or to have the case dismissed without prejudice and go back to small claims court.]
    Judge Judy: Do you want the $1900 and do you want to sign over the car to him, or do you want me to leave you exactly the way I found you? Your pleasure!
    Plaintiff: Your Honor, I beg of you to please listen to my—
    Judge Judy: [leaving for chambers] 'BYE!!!
  • 2012: A woman sues her ex-roommate for his half of the fees incurred after they were evicted from their apartment. When Judge Judy learns the defendant is a restaurant server, she asks him if he'd be upset if a customer stiffed him on a tip, and he says no.
    Judge Judy: Mr. Ballard, there's really only one winner here; that's me. Because you just made yourself look foolish. What restaurant do you work in, sir?
    Defendant: Um... it's a restaurant. I don't want to say the name.
    Judge Judy: Why? I asked you what the name is. I'm gonna tell all the patrons they can come in and stiff you... [audience laughs] ...and they're still gonna get good service! ... Enough people are gonna see you there, and just for sport... [audience laughs again] ...just to see how you react, they're gonna stiff you. Because they're gonna say, "We saw you on Judge Judy, and you said it really didn't matter to you whether you gave good service or bad service; you would not get mad if you got stiffed at the end of a meal." And enough people are gonna do that, and I guarantee you, Mr. Ballard, it's gonna irritate you. So I told you, Mr. Ballard, there's only one winner here.
  • Owens vs. McDaniel (circa 2010): the famous "twist ending" case involving a dental-office receptionist who was suing her former coworker for allegedly breaking into the plaintiff's Email and posting suggestive photos (of the plaintiff in a swimsuit) on the dental practice's website.
    Judge Judy: [to plaintiff] So you admit that you posed for these photos, and that's fine; you can do that if you like. I don't do that anymore because, you know, I think that people are entitled to keep their last meal. In fact, I don't even get into a bathing suit anymore.
    • Later in the case, the admittedly computer-illiterate judge gave a short lecture on online privacy:
    Judge Judy: I'd like to say something to the millions of people, hopefully, who are watching this case: nothing on the Internet is private! No picture, no Email, no Blog, no Twitter...
    Byrd: Look at you! [audience laughter]
    Judge Judy: ...Nothing is sacred! It used to be that you'd write a journal and then put it away someplace and then maybe after you'd been dead for 50 years, people would read your journal. But these days, everything is global! So, you should never put anything on the Internet that you wouldn't want to see, as we used to say in my day, "in the front window of Macy's."
  • This observation when ruling in favor of the plaintiff in the case of an auto accident, in which the defendant claimed he wasn't at fault because the sun was in his eyes:
    Judge Judy: It may not have been your fault that the sun was in your eyes. But it was your fault that you hit [the plaintiff]. He can't sue the sun.
  • May 20, 2019 case:
    Defendant: Do you prefer "Ma'am" or "Your Honor"?
    Judge Judy: I prefer "Your Majesty." You can call me "Your Honor."


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