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Funny / Jade Empire

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  • In the excursion to the swamps, you get a quest to find Fen, the Flower of the Fields. You then see a woman guarded by some enemies and save her. Her name is Sing Wa, and "Fen" is the man's ox. She gives him quite a chewing out.
    Woman:Are you lying to me?
    Man: No, dear.
    Woman: Are you listening to me?
    Man: No, dear.
    A slapping sound is heard
  • Behind the tea house in Tien's landing, you can talk to a cook and his assistant. Their dialogue certainly counts as this. The cook realizes that you're a standard RPG hero and tries to get you to go away. His assistant is pretty clueless in general and misses all his master's veiled threats. Huh.
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  • Most of what Kang the Mad says, as well as Black Whirlwind and Henpecked Hou, leading to some light moments in some of the more serious environments in the game, highlighted by Kang suggesting the player have Gao the Greater experience "a combat-related accident" "like falling down a flight of punches."
  • Some of Minister Sheng's dialogue.
    "Now go close the dam and I never said that!"
    [cue melodramatic ham] "Surely there is no minister more unfortunate than Minister Sheng!"
  • The list of terrible things that have happened to Minister Sheng since he took office, ranging from a dog defecating in his shoes, being told he was "smelly", being insulted by local children, and having his office burned to the ground.
  • The power attack for Drunken Master has you planking on your opponent: standing ramrod-straight, feet together and arms at your sides, and falling on them. It's... rather surreal, particularly in a wuxia game.
  • Causing all of Princess Sun Lian's entourage to faint upon meeting her in the Imperial City. Especially since their embarrassment for her causes her more embarrassment than your actions.
    • And you get a bonus for it, too!
  • Upon reaching the Imperial City the enemy is looking for you. Dubbed the Scourge of the South the description is Entertainingly Wrong, and Dawn Star chimes in with this cute line.
  • Silk Fox does not think very highly of your travel companions, calling them homeless. She specifically points out Dawn Star, who actually is homeless considering Death's Hand razed everything.
  • The Outlander quest in the Scholar's Garden. For those who have not played the game: an absurdly-dressed outlander (a man from a Fantasy Counterpart Culture of Elizabethan England, voiced in an over-the-top manner by John Cleese for the heck of it) named Sir Roderick Ponce von Fontlebottom the Magnificent Bastard has showed up in the Scholar's Garden and started insulting the Jade Empire. One of the scholars is out looking for someone who wouldn't lose their cool at the insults, and finds you, who he asks to convince the outlander to leave. This is accomplished by beating him in a debate, after which you are challenged to a duel in which he uses a musket named Mirabelle. On his defeat, he leaves in disgrace.
    Sir Roderick: Percival! FLUFF MY TRAVELING TROUSERS!
    • The quest giver is good for a chuckle too.
    Servant: Your physique seems exceptional. Clearly you are a peasant; a noble could afford sloth.
  • If you take the role of Lady Fourteen Flowers as a female Spirit Monk, the playwright will essentially propose that you disguise as a man playing a woman. He will also state that there are plenty of female actors and he has nothing but respect for them, because all that chestbinding and trousers-stuffing looks tough. Values Dissonance has rarely been funnier.
    • If you do the same quest as a male Spirit Monk, the playwright explains that all women in plays are played by men, "or at least women with the decency to pretend to be men". He admits that "it can get a bit confusing" figuring it out.
    • The play itself is a gold mine of laughs, since each of your cues comes with an opportunity to ad lib some spur-of-the-moment shameless nonsense and generally refuse to in any way take your role seriously if you so choose.
  • When you're given control of The Black Whirlwind for a few moments, check your mission log and read his steps for getting up in the morning.
    • Even better in that same mission: for every 20 assassins you kill without killing the golem, a deep, resounding voice rings out. The first four (at 20, 40, 60, and 80) are "Untold Slaughter!", "Bringer of Pain!", "Destroyer of Lives!", and "Ravager of the Ages!", respectively. The message at 100? "Just...just kill the golem already, would you?"
  • Just before the start of Chapter 7, you can tell Black Whirlwind to be ready for the upcoming battle. His reply is that as long as he has his fists, he's always ready...and that makes him consider it's better to be safe than sorry, and tells Kang to design a wine bowl that can be used by stumps.
    Kang: Your own, or someone else's?
  • The end credits have Sagacious Zu and Dawn Star shatter their way through the fourth wall, claiming to be actors and reminiscing about how working on Jade Empire launched their careers. Dawn Star talks about her past as a "performer," ahem (...of Shecky Greene-style Vaudeville), then reenacts "There -- are -- four -- LIGHTS!" — while Sagacious Zu talks about not wanting to get typecast as a mysterious loner (but make sure you watch Loner Enforcer IX: The Bloodening — he doesn't want to leave his fans behind), and was this close to being the bad guy in a movie about a dog who rides a champion racehorse — Air Biscuit — but turned it down for Jade Empire. You know, to broaden his horizons... by playing another mysterious loner. Finally, the Glorious Strategist shows up and gives his speech from the beginning again, but it's a little different...
    Master Li: I recall your earliest lessons. You fell from a thousand feet during the Walk of Death — which alone was odd enough at your age, because you made short work of the Walk of Maiming, and the Walk of Intense Discomfort — and tore your head clean off. I comforted you — well, your head — saying that you could just walk it off, because, you know, the cut was clean. And then you would punch a mountain... IN SPACE!!
  • Ru the Boatswain has some pretty great lines.
    Ru I'll take you. And if the pirates slit your throat and dump your body in the river. I'll bring you back to town for a nice burial. If they leave your body on land, you're out of luck.
  • Creative Yukong, as Scholar Kongyu, has some hilariously bad lies about his "studies".
  • If you have Sky as your active follower, you can have him question Kongyu on the "history of dramatic systems," and Sky, with one question that's loaded with academic terminology, proves that Kongyu is a phony.
    Sky: This is clearly Creative Yukong, though I'm not sure he's earned his name.

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