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Funny / Howard the Duck

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The Comic

  • A scene from the classic comics had Howard duck into a bus during a monster chase. The hispanic bus driver looks at Howard and exclaims "You're a duck!". Howard shoots back with "And you're a stereotype! We've all got our crosses to bear!"
  • In the second issue of the MAX series, Beverly answers the phone, expecting it to be Dr. Bong again begging her to come back to him.
    Beverly: Hi! Why don't you go fuck yourself?! (Beat) Uh...can I call you back, Mom?

The 2015 Run

  • The 2015 run has a new tagline: "Trapped in a World He's Grown Accustomed To!"
  • Issue 1:
    • Detective Corson points out that both Howard and Tara don't have any kind of record before the last couple of months.
      Tara: Hey, I'm a late bloomer! Parents kept me off the grid! I moved here after one of those "super heroes battle for the fate of mankind" things because I crave a constantly threatened life!
      Howard: And as for me... I'm a duck! Who is talking to you! I came to this fleshy, dirtball planet through a—get this—Nexus of All Realities, which—surprise!—wasn't my idea! So yeah! My file is currently in another dimension, Mike!
    • Howard's receptionist is a stack of newspapers and a paper bag with a face on it.
    • His advertisement at the movies.
      Advertisement: Who is he? He's trapped in a world he never made.
      Moviegoer: Larry David?
      Advertisement: Who is he? He's a duck.
      Moviegoer: Donald!
      Advertisement: He's Howard the Duck, private investigator.
      Howard: If it's lost, I'll find it. If he's cheating on you, I'll find his *BLANK* *BLANK* in a *BLANK* or a *BLANK*, guaranteed.
      Advertisement: (555)-Duk-Dick, 68 Jay Street, Brooklyn. (If you've passed a She-Hulk, you've gone too far. Do not talk to the She-Hulk). No Website. Not even a tumblr.
      Moviegoer: Never heard of him.
    • Advertisement:
    • Howard summons Spider-Man for help:
      Howard: Good to see you got my message.
      Spider-Man: Uh, barely. Is it the feathers on your fingers or are you 100 years old in duck years?
      Text: Hey Soused Man meet nev in the roof of the Hollingsworth Building on 3rd at 10 tonight ps it's Howard ps in a duck
      Spider-Man: Wait, how long do ducks even live for? [Takes out phone] Siri: Please Bing how long do ducks live for.
    • Spider-Man arrives just a second too late to save Howard and Wangsts about it.
      Spider-Man: ...un...uncle bennnn nooooo uncle ben i'm sorryyyyyy uncle ben...
    • Howard gets nabbed by The Collector and is forced to listen to his cellmate jabber on:
      Inmate: Look, guy, I've definitely been in way worse. Like, this one time on Rylek I was locked up in a prison that was no good. Like, the guards were just floating bags of intelligent Vitamin Water who made high-pitched shrieking sounds all the time! Can you imagine? And my other cellmates were terrible! They just droned on about their problems! Like, "I'm the last surviving member of my race!" and "This red sun is killing me!" Serves me right, I guess. I was on vacation and thought I'd party it up, do a bit of the ol' "powder cosmic," if you know what I'm saying. Big mistake, friend.
      Howard: WAUGH!
      Inmate: Just flushing your life down your powder hole, y'know?
      Howard: Look, it's bad enough that I'm halfway across the universe in yet another cell, but if I have to listen to you—
      Inmate: Wow. Sorry if friendship causes you discomfort. You're clearly a Sagiquarius...
      Howard: I'm clearly pissed!
  • Issue 5: in the midst of an epic New York battle, Spider-Man shows up to rag on the Human Torch.
    Spider-Man: Hey! So me and the other super guys 'n' gals were gettin' to chattin' like we do, and it seems—it appears—that this is 100% a Torch boner?
    • Spidey then gets his foot caught in a tiny bit of rubble and has to be saved by Howard.
      Spider-Man: Wreckage! My greatest enemy! Damn you all to—
      [Howard whacks a monster with a parking sign.]
      Howard: Ha! Couldn't just stand there letting you get killed, could I? Man, the guilt! I guess you owe me one, eh, Spidey? Okay, gotta go save the world!
      Spider-Man: I... I... I...owe...Howard...? i owe howard
      • Spidey is later seen sobbing(?) into the arms of the Human Torch.
  • In his 2015 series, a perfectly ordinary 'find my lost cat' case winds up with the Duck Detective (and a few other folks, including Rocket Raccoon) being hunted for sport by a crazed billionaire armed with high-tech toys. Howard finds time to bemoan his Weirdness Magnet status while running for his life.
    Howard: All I wanted to do was find a stupid cat! Why is this so hard? Why is everything on this stupid planet so hard?! I can't take it. I can't take this entire planet!
    Rocket: Hey, no argument here!
  • The letters page for the final issue of the 2016 series features lyrics to a theme song for Biggs that parodies the theme song to Spider-Man (1967).
    Biggs the cat, Biggs the cat.
    He's so furry and kinda fat.
    Sits on a perch, any size.
    Is that thunder? No, it's his thighs.
    Look out!
    Here comes that big old cat.
    Is he strong?
    Listen bud,
    He'll plow through you
    To get some grub.
    Shake his treats,
    Lose a hand,
    Endless food is his demand.
    Hey there!
    There goes Biggs the cat!
    In the dead of night,
    At the foot of the bed,
    At the speed of light,
    He'll pounce onto your head.
    Biggs the cat, Biggs the cat,
    Friendly neighborhood Biggs the Cat
    Exercise he'll ignore,
    Whatever you're eating is his reward.
    To him, life is a great big banquet.
    Where there's a treat, he'll flank it.
    It is he, Biggs the caaaaat!

The Film

  • "She took my eggs."
  • Howard threatening Ginger's men with "space rabies".
  • In the beginning of the film, after things go downhill following his arrival in Cleveland, Howard ends up landing onto the handlebars of a motorcycle being used by a member of a female biker gang called Satan's Sluts. Howard says "Are you ready for an incredible story?", and then the biker screams "Waste it, man!" while she and her friend try to kill Howard.
  • As a standalone skit, Howard in the unemployment office is actually pretty funny.
  • "If God had wanted us to fly, He wouldn't have taken away our wings!"
  • Pretty much every scene with Phil is this, due to Tim Robbins stealing the show every time he gets on screen.
  • As much infamy the teased Interspecies Romance between Howard and Beverly gets, in the diner scene the movie drops it after the Angry Mob that wants to cook Howard utterly demolishes it with appropriate reactions:
    Beverly: HE'S MY BOYFRIEND!
    Man: (Beat) ... That's disgusting!
    • And a few moments later, she pleads possessed Dr. Jenning to do something:
      Beverly: He's my favorite duck!
      Dr. Jenning: You hardly know him...