Funny / How Much for Just the Planet?

• The whole thing. Highlights include: tossing Klingons down laundry chutes, an insane computer with a milkshake fixation, the barbarian tribe that captures Sulu and McCoy and promptly breaks out into a Broadway musical number, the Klingon film noir fan, and last but not least, the Klingon vs. Starfleet pie fight.

  Blueberry, Kirk thought instead of ducking.
  Splat.
  Blueberry it was.

• McCoy explaining why he, Sulu, and two Klingons won't Kneel Before Zod (the evil queen):
  McCoy: You see, ma'am, these two gentlemen already have a dictator, it's against Mr. Sulu's religion... and I'm a Democrat.
• McCoy demands to know why Sulu woke him up to go on an adventure at dawn. He asks why he didn't go to Chekov.
  Sulu: I tried Pavel's door first. Whatever he said to me was all in Russian. I understood the gestures, though.
• The Scotty vs Klingon golf match. Chekov and another Klingon are caddies. It all culminates in the lot of them being fired at, and Chekov and one Klingon rushing into battle with golf clubs while Scotty and his opponent grumble good-naturedly about their younger friends and follow. Some additional details for bonus points: When it turns violent, the sign reads "hazards bunker left, minefield right." On said hole, they are interrupted, for no apparent reason, by what is very clearly a Lawyer-Friendly Cameo by The Brigadier from Doctor Who. Finally, as a reward, Chekov and his Klingon counterpart are, at the end of the novel, awarded the Direidi Cluster for Courage Under Par.
• Through a series of complicated events, Kirk ends up locked in a closet in a cat burglar outfit which is much too small for him. He breaks out of the closet, tearing the outfit in the process. He takes the destroyed costume off, but isn't too happy about the prospect of running around a hotel in undershirt and shorts. The only other article of clothing in the closet is a dress. However, it's also torn, which brings us to this line:
  He took a long look at the red dress, was rather thankful it was so badly torn up, saving him a tough choice.
  • So apparently, if the dress hadn't been torn, Kirk would have seriously considered wearing it around the hotel.
• Bones McCoy was Not a Morning Person.
  Bones: Plergb hrafizz umgemby, and coffee.
• Kirk contemplating his glass of some bright blue liquid that same morning. Starship captains are a special breed, boldly going etc. he risks a sip. Orange juice.
• Two random crewmembers referring to Mr. Spock behind his back as "Mr. Science".
• Kirk snarking over the prototype decoy that they are about to test, suggesting that they try to get a refund for it if it doesn't work.
• During the climactic pie fight, Spock and a team beam into the room.
  Kirk: Spock? Spock! Someone give the captain a pie!
  • They do.
• The book provides exposition on dilithium via what can only be described as a demented cross between an infomercial, a filmstrip presentation, and a Bill Nye-style popular science show, with rampant Product Placement (thanks, Deneva Inc.!).
  • And you can now view Dilithium and You online!
• Kirk offhandedly mentions his middle name is Tiberius, like the Roman emperor. One "misunderstanding" later and he's welcomed to a dining table with the placard JAMES CALIGULA KIRK and a Roman couch instead of a chair. "He sighed, and reclined."
• When they're going to meet the Federation delegate, Bones points out that a lot of women in Starfleet seem to be Kirk's New Old Flames, which Spock says is a "valid statistical point." Kirk maintains that he's never heard of the delegate...only to realise that oops, he did date her briefly two decades previously and just misremembered her name. Kirk is so thrown by this discovery that he introduces his companions as "my Spock officer, Commander First, and Doctor MacNeil - I mean McCoy."
  "You'll excuse us," McCoy said lightly. "I have to talk to Mr Spock about statistics."
  [they leave, presumably so McCoy can die laughing somewhere in private]

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