This bit is a great example of how the simplest lines can sometimes be among the funniest:
Kate: Get upstairs. Kevin: I am upstairs, DUMMY! [they're on the second floor, but Kate was referring to the attic]
In the beginning, Harry (posing as a cop) is trying to talk to Kevin's parents. Unfortunately, every kid he asks is a visiting cousin, who acts unhelpful. Eventually, Harry gripes, "All kids! No parents! Must be a fancy orphanage!"
Kevin's scream when he slaps aftershave on his face. Even better when he does it again. You think he'd learn after the first time...
And this gem from Kate while on the phone in Paris:
Kate:(angry) "Somebody pick up... PICKUP!"
Kevin uses Angels with Filthy Souls to pull a prank on the pizza delivery boy:
Johnny: Who is it? Pizza boy: It's Little Nero's sir, I have your pizza. Johnny: Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here. Pizza boy: Okay. (puts the pizza down) What about the money? Johnny: What money? Pizza boy:(rolls eyes) Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir. Johnny: Is that a fact? How much do I owe ya? (Kevin fast forwards to the right point) Pizza boy: That'll be $11.80, sir. (Kevin pauses and drops $12 through the dog flap. Kevin then plays the next clip) Johnny: Keep the change, you filthy animal. Pizza boy:(starts to walk away) Cheapskate. [Kevin rewinds a few seconds] Johnny: Hey! I'm gonna give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts fulla lead! One... two... ten! (cue Johnny using the tommygun. The pizza guy runs to his car with all haste)
Harry tells Marv to check the house to see if anybody's there.
Harry: Go check it out. (Marv just sits there. Harry looks at him, waiting. Marv looks back at him) Marv: Now? Harry: No, tomorrow egghead, NOW! Go ahead! (scoffs) "Now."
Kevin does the same gangster movie gag on Harry and Marv, with the addition of firecrackers in a pan to make things a little more believable.
After burning his hand on the front doorknob, Harry spits on his other hand to check if the back doorknob is safe. Satisfied, he opens the door and gets his head torched. After putting out the fire with snow, he runs back and kicks the door down.
Followed by several little screams and squeals as he threw the spider at Harry's chest and reaching for his crowbar to smash it with.
Harry:(waking up) What are you doing, Marv? Marv:(whispers) Harry... don't move. Harry: Marv? Marv:(whispers) Don't! Move. (getting ready to strike) Harry:(very worried) Marv, what are you doing? Marv? (Marv hits Harry's chest, missing the spider who crawls back to Buzz's room) Harry: AAAGH!! Geeez... Marv: Did I get him? DID I GET HIM?! Where is it? Where is it? Harry: NEVER MIND WHAT YOU GET! (grabs Marv's crowbar and hits him with it) HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH?! YOU JERK!! Get that kid!
After successfully bluffing his way passed a supermarket cashier, the bottoms of Kevin's grocery bags burst open on his walk home, spilling his groceries onto the pavement. He gives an Aside Glance of exasperation into the camera.
Kevin having to face his fear of his basement furnace while doing laundry by telling it to "Shut up." And it does.
Marv: Yeah. Kids are scared of the dark. Harry: You're afraid of the dark too, Marv. You know you are. (Beat) Marv: No I'm not!
Buzz implying to Kevin that he ate the last cheese pizza and that if he wants any somebody's gonna have to barf it up. He then tells Kevin to get a plate so he can throw some up for him and Kevin attacks him causing chaos in the kitchen.
Kevin telling Santa he wants his family back for Christmas and names all the family members he wants back finally saying that if Santa has time he'd also like his rude Uncle Frank back as well.
"Look what you did, you little jerk!"
Uncle Frank's half-assed attempt of showing sympathy on the plane.
Uncle Frank: Horrible. Horrible. If this make you fell better: I forgot my reading glasses.
Followed by his wife, Peter, and Kate's reaction. His wife having a disapproving look.
And this little exchange once the two crooks are inside the house:
Harry:(seeing Marv in bare feet, his shoes having got stuck in tar in the basement) Why the hell did you take your shoes off? Marv:(seeing Harry covered in bits of feathers that got stuck on him) Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?
"I don't want a new family! I don't want any family! Families suck!"
Harry and Marv getting hit in the face by paint cans that Kevin sends swinging their way.
Harry: (ducking) HEADS UP! Marv: Huh? (gets walloped with the paint can and falls to the bottom of the steps) Harry: Don't worry Marv, I'll get 'em for ya! Marv: HARRY! (points) (Harry turns around to get whacked with the paint can, and falls down onto a still laid out Marv) Harry:(after they resume pursuit) You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cojones and boil them in motor oil!
Speaking of improv: when Kevin hides in the treehouse, the crooks look out the window, and Marv blurts out "Maybe he committed suicide." Improvised by Daniel Stern.
After hiding from the Wet Bandits during their first break-in attempt, Kevin decides to be brave and call them out since he's "the man of the house". Oh, he is soTempting Fate with this one.
Kevin: Hey! I'm not afraid anymore! I said, I'm not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid anymore! (Then comes creepy Old Man Marley and his shovel) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! (And the screams continue for a good twenty seconds as he runs into the house, including screaming right into the camera)
The deleted scenes are outright hilarious but the topping is one of Harry and Marv singing their own rendition of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" while driving, with more appropriate lyrics.
Stern: They're a bunch of rich fat cats and we're gonna rip 'em off!
This exchange when the officer (Harry in disguise) talks to Peter.
Officer (Harry): Are you Mr. McCallister? Peter: Yeah. Officer (Harry): The Mr. McCallister who lives here? Peter: Yes. Pizza boy: Good, because somebody owes me $122.50.
Fuller and his sister are staring at "Officer" Harry with open mouths.
Harry: How are you kids doing, good? A lot of action around here today, huh? Going on vacation? Where are you going? (still gawking at him) You hear me or what? Going on a trip? Where are you going, kid?! (a knock on the door) Ha!
Kevin's mom tries to call the police for help.
Kate: I'm calling from Paris, I have a son who's home alone— Sergeant Balzak: Has the child been involved in violence with a drunk family member? Kate:(baffled) No. Sergeant Balzak:Has he been involved in a household accident? Kate:(worried) I don't know! I'd- I hope not! Sergeant Balzak: Has the child ingested any poison or is an object lodged in his throat? Kate:(aggravated) NO! He's just home alone! I'd like somebody to go over to the house and see if he's all right! Just to check on him! Sergeant Balzak: You want us to go to your house, just to check on him. Kate: YES!
If you look carefully, in his last question, a piece of donut sticks on the phone, and a moment later it fell off and you can heard it land on his desk.
A behind-the-scenes example: the crew had a swear jar on set because they didn't want the adult actors swearing in front of the kids. Apparently, it only took a single day for Joe Pesci to fill the entire thing.
Marv tries to pry the basement door open with a crowbar... only to turn the knob and discover it was unlocked the whole time.
Marv giggles to himself after finishing a robbery, after leaving the "calling card" of leaving the taps running to flood the house, a practice Harry finds weird and unnecessary and has apparently previously told him not to do as they immediately descend into a very petty argument in the van, leading to Harry being so distracted driving he nearly runs over Kevin.
Bonus points for this "calling card" meaning the police now know every house the Wet Bandits hit after they're arrested. Guess Marv should have listened to Harry.
Deck the halls with Marv and Harry. (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la la!) Make their Christmas not-so-merry. (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la la!) Give them bricks, and give them wrenches. (Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la!) One more Christmas in the trenches. (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la la!)
Toss some paint cans down to greet them. (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la la!) Send the toolbox down to meet them. (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la la!) Serve them nails for Christmas dinner. (Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la!) Kevin is declared the winner. (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la la!)
The hotel staff chases Kevin into his hotel suite, where Kevin suddenly puts on Angels with Even Filthier Souls and does a much more over the top version of his previous use of the movie on the pizza boy in the first film to slow them down:
Johnny: Hold it right there! Mr. Hector: This is the Concierge, sir! Johnny: I knew it was you. I could smell ya getting off the elevator! ...You was here last night too, wasn't ya? [beat] Mr. Hector: ...Yes, sir. I was. Johnny: You was here... and you was smoochin' with my brother! Mr. Hector(taken aback) I'm afraid you're mistaken, sir. Johnny: Don't gimme that. You been smoochin' with everybody! Snuffy, Al, Leo, Little Moe with the gimpy leg, Cheeks, Bony Bob,Cliff... Security Guard:(everyone looks to the guard whose nametag just happens to reads "Cliff", he is shocked as everyone else. One of them also has an expression that basically says "Damn you Dirty Old Man.") It's a lie! Johnny: I could go on forever, baby. Mr. Hector: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you're mistaken. We're looking for a young man. Johnny: All right. I believe you. (Johnny pulls his gun on them) But my tommygun don't! (everyone is horrified) Get down on your knees and tell me you love me. Mr. Hector:(whispers) On your knees. (everyone gets down on their knees) I love you! (Kevin snickers in the other room) Johnny: You gotta do better than that! Hotel Staff:[in unison] I love you! Johnny: Maybe I'm off my hinges, but I believe ya. That's why I'm gonna let ya go. I'm gonna give ya 'til the count of three to get your lousy, lyin', low-down, four-flushin' carcass out my door! (the hotel staff scramble out of there as fast as they can) One... Mr. Hector: Open the door! Johnny: Two... (Begins unloading his tommygun, laughing maniacally. The hotel staff dive for cover out in the hall) Three! (Kevin lip syncs Johnny's words as he ducks into the stairwell) Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal! (Johnny shoots another burst. Kevin pokes his head out on cue) And a Happy New Year. (one last shot) Mr. Hector:(as he and the staff begin crawling away as the hotel guests peek out) Stay in your rooms! This is an emergency! There's an insane guest with a gun!
Earlier, when Kevin watches the movie the first time.
Johnny: You was here last night too, wasn't ya? Gardenias: I was singing at the Blue Monkey last night. Kevin: She was not! She was smooching with your brother. Johnny: You was here... and you was smoochin' with my brother! Kevin: See?
"Suck brick, kid!" Marv's one-liner to Kevin once he has a brick in hand, clearly said in response to having suffered 4 thrown bricks to the face in less than 2 minutes from Kevin throwing said bricks from a 3 story rooftop.
Making it funnier is that Kevin simply takes a step to the left and Marv completely misses.
The exchange with Mr. Hector the concierge (played by Tim Curry of course) and Kevin operating the shower. Kevin has rigged up the inflatable Bozo to silhouette behind the shower curtain, making it out to be his dad. He's playing the recording of Uncle Frank singing "Cool Jerk" by the Capitols on the Talkboy that he recorded near the beginning of the film. The concierge walks in and is standing in disbelief when Kevin turns the inflated Bozo and this exchange, complete with gestures, occurs:
Recorded Uncle Frank: GET OUT OF HERE YOU NOSY LITTLE PERVERT, OR I'M GOING TO SLAP YOU SILLY! Mr. Hector:(some sort of anguished cry)(runs out of the bathroom) Recorded Uncle Frank: Oh, we're cooking, Frankie! Mr Hector:(hits and knocks over endtable) Oof! (places endtable upright and limps out of the room)
This becomes especially funny when you consider one of Tim Curry's earlier roles...
Speaking of that scene, Kevin got the recording while his Uncle Frank was in the shower, while getting his tie.
Kevin: My tie's in the bathroom. I can't go in there, 'cause Uncle Frank's taking a shower. He says if I walked in there and saw him naked, I'll grow up never feeling like a real man. (His parents stare at him in confusion) Kevin: Whatever that means. Peter: I'm sure he was just teasing. You just run in there, get your tie, get out, and don't look at... anything.
When Harry and Marv first spot Kevin and surprise him on a crowded New York street. Kevin's initial response? To scream as loudly as possible.
Kate and Peter explaining to Airport Security in Florida that yes, they have in fact lost Kevin once before. Which leads to this wonderfully awkward attempt at humor from Peter:
Peter: Funnily enough, we never lose our luggage!
And then he and Kate start giggling nervously and knock on wood while the officer very uncomfortably stares at them. This becomes even more funny when you remember the officer from the first movie that spoke with Kevin's parents being completely unconcerned.
Marv falls into the basement through a huge hole Kevin cut in the floor. He stands up and wrenches his back so that he's staring straight up, and declares "Wow, what a hole!"
And before that he had to suffer a gauntlet of pain just to get up the front steps and into the door, starting with being pelted by bricks, followed by repeatedly getting shot by a powerful staple gun in the butt, groin, and nose. After having enough and kicking the doors open he proudly shouts:
Marv: Harry! I've reached the top! [takes one step forward, falling into the massive hole down to the basement.]
Kevin throwing down bricks at the bandits, every single one hitting Marv on the spot. Bonus points for the first brick, which sends Marv stumbling to the ground making a sound something like "Eeuurraaaghh!"
"Skull fracture with epidural hematoma. Marv is dead."
Marv's unexpected encounter with an electrified sink. Cue frantic screaming that gradually increases in pitch the longer it goes on, and his brief transformation into a screaming skeleton. Röntgen would not approve.
Marv tries to leave the basement by way of a conveniently placed rope going up several floors. He tugs on it to see if it's stable; it seems to be, so he takes his first jump up...and pulls a massive bag of cement mix off the edge of the top floor. Marv ends up looking like a Death Metal version of Ronald McDonald afterwards.
Marv: Uh-oh... (the bag hits him, flooring him; when he gets up, his hair if puffed up and his face is all white) Marv: I'm gonna murder that kid. [beat]ACHOO! *coughs*
Near the end of the movie we have this gem between Kevin's mom and one of the hotel employees
Kate: "What kind of hotel allows a child to check in alone?" Hotel Employee "The boy had a very convincing story." Kate: (angrily) "What kind of idiots do you have working here?" Hotel Employee: (proudly) "The finest in New York."
Peter:(picks up Kevin's bag) That's Kevin, give this to Kevin. Kate: Give this (Uncle Frank gestures "Not me!", so Kate turns to Aunt Leslie instead) Give this to Kevin. Aunt Leslie:(rolls her eyes) Give this to Kevin. Tracy: Give this to Kevin. Linnie: Kevin. Buzz:[without even taking the bag so it goes directly from Linnie to Rod] Give this to Kevin. Rod: Give this to Kevin. Sondra: Give this to Kevin. Megan: Give this to Kevin. Jeff: Give this to Kevin. Brooke: Give this to Kevin. Fuller: Here you go, Kevin. (turns and is shocked to see an elderly couple looking quizzically at him, then gives bag back) Kevin's not here. Brooke: Kevin's not here. Jeff: Kevin's not here. Megan: Kevin's not here. Sondra: Kevin's not here. Rod: Kevin's not here. Linnie: Kevin's not here. Tracy: Kevin's not here. Aunt Leslie: Kevin's not here. Kate:Kevin's not here. Peter:(double-takes)What?! Kate:(laughs for a few seconds before...)KEVIN!!!!(faints)
Harry unknowingly lights his own head on fire with a light cord that Kevin has rigged up to a blowtorch. He inexplicably starts casually walking around the room—despite being able to tell Kevin's not there—for a few seconds, and doesn't realize what has happened to his head until he glimpses at the mirror. He panics and after realizing that the sink faucets don't work because the plumbing is busted, he does a handstand on the rim of the toilet, not knowing that the liquid in the toilet has been replaced with paint thinner. The result is an explosion that blows out the entire first floor of the house but miraculously Harry survives with only a singed scalp and some soot on his face and teeth.
Marv and Harry's Bad "Bad Acting" as they try to fake Kevin out by pretending to get hit with the paint cans, having anticipated that he would try this, while Harry counts them off ("OW! Right in the SCHNOZZ!"). Sadly, they fail to anticipate the lead pipe that knocks them down a moment later:
Marv:[as the pipe comes swinging their way]Oops. (the pipe slams in their faces, knocking them down the stairs, into the hole in the floor and onto the basement where they lie) Marv: That's... three. (Kevin cuts the string holding the pipe, causing it to roll down the stairs) Harry:No... (the pipe hits them again) Marv: That's... four!
It also helps that before Kevin catches them off-guard, they're clearly enjoying themselves as they put up their act, along with the fact that Marv seems clueless as to what Harry's getting at until the first paint can comes down.
The ham-tastic way in which Marv delivered this response, suddenly straightening up, thrusting out his chest and putting his hands on his hips.
Kevin: You guys giving up? Have you had enough pain? Marv: NEVAH!
It cannot be overstated how much Daniel Stern hams it up in this movie.
At the end, Kevin is wishing the pigeon lady a Merry Christmas while standing in Central Park, while Buzz gets Kevin's hotel bill at the hotel room:
Buzz: Oh, dad... (cut to outside) Peter: KEVIN!YOU SPENT $967 ON ROOM SERVICE?!?!!!
Man, Peter must have powerful lungs if Kevin could hear him from that distance.
When Kate and Peter wake to find that they've overslept. Again.
Throughout the early parts of the search through the booby trapped house, Harry is doing his damned best to make sure he doesn't fall for any traps again. He fails to do so, obviously, but it's just so hilarious watching him constantly testing doorknobs and checking whether or not anything he touches will set off another trap.
Admit it, the transition shot from the Grinch's evil smile to Tim Curry pulling one of his own was pretty funny.
Even funny is when Tim Curry says his line, the light bulb above him turns on.
Kate: The way I'm feeling, no mugger or murderer would dare mess with me! Mr. Hector: Madam, there are hundreds of parasites out there, armed to the teeth— (gets slapped across the face by Kate's glove) Do bundle up; it's awfully cold. (Lip quivering as he looks like he's struggling not to cry)
After arriving in New York fresh from a jailbreak, Marv immediately commits the dastardly crime of...snatching at a bucket full of change from a charity Santa Claus in passing.
Harry: That's real smart, Marv. You bust out of jail to rob 14¢ from a Santee Claus?
Marv also announces from the change sticking to his taped hand that their new nickname is "The Sticky Bandits!". Harry looks supremely unimpressed and walks on without a word.
Home Alone 3
Alex is in the bathroom when he realizes he has chicken pox and screams. In her bedroom, Molly calls out, "Alex slammed the toilet seat on his thingagain!" Which Jack, on the phone downstairs, then gives as an excuse to hang up. If you listen closely, it sounds like the person he's talking to even lets out a noise of sympathy.
After Alex's first call, the police arrive at the Stephens' house, yelling out "Freeze!" A dog then pauses in mid-step.