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Funny / Hellboy

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  • "Don't mess with me lady, I've been drinking with skeletons!" and Goodbye, Mister Tod.
  • "Wait. Are you pissed that you didn't get to inherit the SLUG HOUSE?"
  • Hellboy eating "pamcakes" gave us this sequence as three demons come to the realization of what has occurred:
    Mammon: "It is the boy... He has eaten the pancake."
    Haborym: "He will never come back to us now."
    Astaroth: "Truly...this is our blackest hour."
  • The following scene from "Box Full of Evil". It Makes Sense in Context, but it does not change how it's hilarious.
    Abe Sapien: Is that a monkey?
    Hellboy: He's got a gun!
  • Then there's the moment in "Wake the Devil" where Hellboy is fitted with the B.P.R.D.'s latest jetpack, assured that it's "new and improved," and then thrown out of a plane before he has a chance to argue. He subsequently clicks the button to activate the jetpack... and keeps clicking it as he falls, with zero results, until the final click, which causes the jetpack to explode.
    Hellboy: New and improved, my ass.
  • Kroenen (the gas-mask guy) may look intimidating, but he's often the most polite and reasonable person in the room no matter the circumstances:
    a secret lab smeared in blood and Nazi zombie cyborg parts:
    Kroenen: Forgive us, Mr. Zinco, but we really are right in the middle of something.
  • From "The Iron Prometheus":
    Lobster Johnson: Mr. Sacks, does that thing fly?
    Jim Sacks: (Looks at him like he's an idiot) No.
  • "Now God has a tree in his neck." from Almost Colossus.
  • This little gem from Strange Places.
    Hellboy: So you had a dream that when I die the whole world gets destroyed and you're going to prevent that— by killing me? You're a genius.
  • There's another bit from Strange Places where Hellboy comes across a golden lake by a castle.
    Hellboy: Ah, screw it. *Steps into the water*
    *Cue giant eel monster bursting out of the water*
    Hellboy: Jeez!
  • In The Universal Machine Andrew Devon spends some time trapped in a telephone box by werewolf villagers. Some time later, during the destruction of Munich, the team need to re-establish communications and the cell networks are down, so Abe tells Devon to try the landlines. Cue Devon looking at the phone booth and going pale.
    Abe: What?
    Devon: ... Nothing.
  • Hellboy in Mexico:
    • Hellboy drinking himself into a stupor after his new luchador friend is killed? Tragic. Hellboy dressing up as a luchador and calling himself "King of the Monsters"? Hilarious.
  • The entirety of "Buster Oakley Gets His Wish", even the half-cow. But the best part is Hellboy's reaction to the attempt at Anal Probing.
  • In "Curse of the Haunted Dolly", Kate Corrigan accidentally unleashes a ghost of her recently-deceased mother, who keeps bugging her to have grandchildren. Cut to Kate at the cafeteria with Abe and Kraus. The following gem happens next.
    Abe: So, how'd you get rid of her?
    Kate: I told her I'd marry a doctor, move to the suburbs, and have a bunch of kids.
    Johann Kraus: I'm a doctor.
  • "Hellboy! No more Gene Autry for you!"
  • In Hollow Earth, when Abe is startled by an apparition of Liz, he exclaims "Holy mackerel."
  • "Another Day at the Office": From the villagers crushing the initial zombie invasion, to Abe and Johann shouldering aside zombies as their coworkers gun them down, to Abe casually darting the guy who started whole mess in the middle of his big speech.



  • "I hate those comic books. They never get the eyes right."
  • When we first see the boys on a mission, inside a "garbage truck"...
    Hellboy: Look at that. A sheet of glass is all that separates me from them.
    Abe: Story of my life.
  • Hellboy gets run over by a train, and the axles keep hitting his horn stubs. By the time the train is gone, the stubs are red-hot. And then he scorches his hand on them.
  • Hellboy. Payphone. "IT'S FOR YOU!!" (SMASH!)
    • In the same fight
      Hellboy: Uh uh, second date, NO TONGUE!" *grabs demon's tongue and uses it to smash demon through a wall*
  • "Heh, heh. Nachos."
  • The whole scene on the rooftop when Hellboy stalks Liz and Myers, snarking every occasion he gets, only to freeze because Liz took Myers' picture.
    • He then proceeds to mutter this to himself repeatedly, apparently trying to give himself the determination to make the jump to the next building. He jumps, hangs in the air for a second, and then goes "Oh, crap!" as he realizes he's coming up short.
    • "...and you're nine. You shouldn't be giving me advice."
  • "What's a good, strong word for 'need'?" "Well, 'need' is a good, strong word." "Too needy."
  • Myers: I am not pure of heart! Abe: (interrupting) Yes you are.
  • Myers hands Hellboy a grenade belt. His response: "I didn't get you anything".
  • The Stinger, full throttle.
  • Everything involving the dead guy Hellboy wakes up to navigate the tombs.
    Corpse: If I had legs, I'd kick your ass!
    Hellboy: (to the agent next to him) Would you mind holding this guy for a while? He is so negative.
    • "I was better off dead!"
  • ..."SPARKY?! Who came up with that? Myers?"
  • Though it crosses over with horror, Liz's call to Hellboy when they find Sammael's nest is still funny.
    Liz: (through gritted teeth) Marco. MARCO, MARCO. Get your big red butt over here.
  • Some excellent Crosses the Line Twice humor when Hellboy first finds Sammael.
    Hellboy: Seven guards, plus belts and boots? Man. Gonna need some heavy fiber to move that out.
  • "I'm not a very good shot, but the Samaritan here uses REALLY big bullets."
    • And then immediately after:
    Hellboy: So what do you say we work this out in a nice, peaceful-
    (Sammael runs off)
    Hellboy: Oh, Crap...
  • Manning has some quality snarking at the museum crime scene.
    Abe: Professor! They were here.
    Manning: Who was here? Nixon? Hoodini? Jimmy Hoffa? Who?
  • "Gonna be sore in the mornin'."
  • After the first Sammael attack, Hellboy and Myers hide behind a dumpster to reload the Samaritan. Hellboy then finds a huge disgusting detached thing on his arm from Sammael's tongue.
    Myers: (clearly freaked out) What the hell is that thing?!
    Hellboy: (calmly pries it off, pauses) Let me go ask. (hands it to Myers, who smacks it away in horror)
  • When Hellboy sees a resurrected Sammael.
    Hellboy: Didn't I kill you already?
  • Right up until the soldiers see the Nazi soldiers at work on the island, the sergeant in charge is hugely skeptical of Professor Broom, claiming that there's nothing there except "sheep and rocks". The second they see what's really going on, he is shocked, and Broom's response is priceless.
    BROOM: They must be here for the sheep.
    • Even better, Bruttenholm was trying to pass out rosaries to the soldiers for protection, which the skeptical troops refused with a bit of derision. Upon seeing what was happening, every single one was now wearing a rosary.
  • The Cast Commentary on the DVD (consisting of Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Rupert Evans, and Jeffrey Tambor) has quite a few gems as well, one of which is Ron doing a near spot-on impression of Jerry Lewis a couple times throughout.
  • After Abe finds out that Sammael left a few eggs in Hellboy's arm:
    Abe: Touched you for five seconds, laid three eggs.
    Hellboy: Didn't even buy me a drink...

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

  • The fight between Hellboy and Johann Krauss. note 
    • Also:
      Hellboy: Look, Kraut...
      Krauss: That's KRAUSS! With a double S!
      Hellboy: "SS"... riiighhhtt.
  • Another contender: "Can't Smile Without You". Without a doubt the greatest duet ever put to film, you're not even sure what you're supposed to do when they start singing in a Hellboy movie. Laugh? Cry? Run away? What?
    • Which the flick eventually elevates to "cool" status by re-including it in the credits, providing a sort of punchline for the movie itself.
    • Abe. Drunk. 'Nuff said.
      • When Hellboy first offers him a beer, Abe refuses with "My body's a temple." "Well now it's an amusement park" comes Hellboy's reply. The delivery of both lines is perfect.
  • Manning slowly losing his mind.
  • Hellboy punches out a goblin for trying to eat cats, the thing is that the goblin is currently disguised as an old lady and he knocks her right out of her orthopedic shoes.
  • The part where Manning is complaining about Hellboy being photographed, and the first few we see are the usual grainy "what is that red thing in the distance?" shots... then Manning goes, "He posed for this one! And gave an autograph!" holding up a photo with Hellboy giving V-for-Victory sign and a goofy grin, with his signature in the lower part of the photo.
    • Then he mentions paying a fortune to people to suppress cell phone videos and then they still end up on YouTube.
    Manning: God, I hate YouTube.
  • "I would give my life for her... but she also wants me to do the dishes."
    • "I would die AND do the dishes."
  • "I'm not a baby, I'm a tumor."
  • The part where, no thanks to Krauss's extra-thick accent, his pronunciation of "focus" made it sound like a dirty word.
    • Seeing that he is voiced by Seth Macfarlene, it may have been intentional.
      • Seeing how that is exactly the joke, it may have been intentional.
  • Liz, trying to negotiate passage:
    Liz: I have a shiny belt!
    Goblin: I have no pants. (Entire lower half is missing)
    Liz: I have a set of magic eyes!
    Goblin: I already have binoculars.
  • Liz informing Hellboy that she's pregnant with twins. The look in his eyes and him mouthing "Babies?" just sells it.
  • Krauss takes over one of the golden soldiers and beats up several others, only to see them reform.
    Krauss: Well, I'm out of ideas.
  • When Abe and Nuala first meet, she insists "Abe Sapien" is not a proper name (he agrees it is an Unfortunate Name). She demands he give over his hand so she can use his telepathy to find out. After she does, the embarrassed look she gets is rather amusing.
    Abe: Awful, I know.
  • In the original script, Nuala has two trolls and "narcotic bugs" as her royal guard. She has the trolls drug Abe with the bugs to find out why he was following her. After he wakes up and they realize they're on the same side, Hellboy and Krauss barge in suddenly, HB having knocked out her trolls already and simply swats the bugs away, after they had taken out Abe so easily.
    Nuala: And that was my Royal Guard.
  • After the civilians meet Hellboy, when it cuts to Liz and Hellboy, the dialogue of the beginning up until he asks her why he doesn't feel good.
  • Liz tries to wipe Hellboy's cut on his face
    Hellboy: OWWW!
    Liz''': I haven't touched you yet.
    Hellboy: Oh.


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