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From the book
- Near the beginning, we have Mrs. Figg, Harry's batty old Squib neighbor, battering Mundungus Fletcher with a bag full of canned cat food.
- Harry's description of "wanting to jinx Dudley so thoroughly he'd have to crawl home like an insect, struck dumb, sprouting feelers..."
- After Dudley's attacked by a Dementor at the beginning:Vernon: Fought 'em off, did you, son? Gave 'em the old one-two, did you?
Harry: You can't give a Dementor "the old one-two"!
- Uncle Vernon continuously mispronouncing the names of various things from the wizarding world and completely misunderstanding the point of it all. Highlights include "Dementoids" and "Lord Voldything" and "the Dementors were in town to arrest Harry, and he was on the run from the law."
- Every time he mentions "Dementors", he comes up with a different mispronunciation.
- Vernon getting increasingly frustrated as owl after owl arrives at the house, eventually pulling clumps of hair out of his moustache (something the narration notes he hasn't been driven to do since Book 1).
- Most of the Advance Guard messing about in the Dursleys' kitchen. Kingsley and Sturgis Podmore are completely baffled by a microwave, and Hestia Jones is apparently laughing at a potato peeler. Lupin leaves a note for the Dursleys:Lupin: Harry, I've left a letter telling your aunt and uncle not to worry-
Harry: They won't.
Lupin: -that you're safe-
Harry: That'll just depress them.
Lupin: -and you'll see them next summer.
Harry: Do I have to?
- Mad-Eye is keen on wand safety:Mad-Eye: Don' put your wand there, boy! What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!
Tonks: Who do you know who's lost a buttock?
- Note that Mad-Eye never responds and tries to get off the subject as quickly as possible.
- After she helps him pack his things, Tonks asks if he's ready to go.Tonks: Wand still in your jeans? Both buttocks still on? Okay, let's go.
- Tonks in general. One instance is the scene where she and Harry are packing, and she looks in the mirror and decides pink is more her color than purple. This becomes Hilarious in Hindsight as purple becomes the color she mostly wears her hair in the film.
- The aftermath of Harry's angsty tirade towards Ron and Hermione. He goes on and on about how no one understands him, only for Fred, George, and Ginny to pop into the room and casually and snarkily greet him with "Thought we heard your dulcet tones."
- Fred and George Apparating into Harry and Ron's bedroom to talk about the weapon Voldemort wants to steal, leading to this exchange:Ron: You two just Apparated on my knees!
Twins: Yeah, well it's harder to do in the dark.
- The group is explaining to Harry how everyone is trying to discredit Dumbledore and make them think he's senile by doing stuff like demoting him from being Chief Warlock on the Wizengamot and possibly taking away his Order of Merlin, First Class.Bill: But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.
- Throughout the entire book, Fudge thinks Dumbledore is out for his job. Anyone who actually knows Dumbledore would know that Dumbledore doesn't give a fig about being Minister of Magic, mainly because he's not good with power, but also because he's perfectly happy where he is!
- The Happy Dance that ensues after Harry's acquittal.HE GOT OFF, HE GOT OFF, HE GOT OFF
- Eventually, Molly's had enough.
- "His expression was mild, but Harry felt sure that Lupin, at least, knew that some Extendable Ears had survived Mrs. Weasley's purge." Lupin was a prankster, so of course he knows that some Extendable Ears survived.
- Ron gets good news:Molly: I don't believe it! Oh, Ron, how wonderful! A prefect! That's everyone in the family!
George: What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours?
- On finding out that Ron been chosen as prefect over him, Harry tries to hide his feelings of jealousy and starts talking in this "horribly hearty voice that wasn't his own". Of course, it leads to a heartwarming moment where Harry realises he wants to support Ron more than anything.
- Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody has his own perspective about Ron's appointment:Mad-Eye: Authority figures always attract trouble, but I suppose Dumbledore thinks you can withstand most major jinxes or he wouldn't have appointed you
- Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody has his own perspective about Ron's appointment:
- Fred and George using their magic for every Mundane Utility culminates in bewitching their trunks to fly downstairs to save them the trouble of carrying them. Unfortunately, they fly right into Ginny and knock her down "two flights of stairs". She lives, but Mrs Weasley's furious scolding of the twins runs along with with the portrait of Sirius's mother complaining.
- Moody is holding up the group's trip to King's Cross to take the train, as the guard will be one person short if someone else doesn't show up.Harry: Guard? We have to go to King's Cross with a guard?
Hermione: You have to go to King's Cross with a guard.
Harry: (annoyed) Why? I thought Voldemort was supposed to be lying low, or are you telling me he's going to jump out from behind a dustbin to try and do me in?
- Even funnier that you remember that dustbins caused a problem for Moody in the previous book, too.
- The scene in the Hogwarts Express when Ron was planning on what to do to punish Crabbe or Goyle.Ron: I'll make Goyle do lines, it'll kill him, he hates writing. (he lowers his voice to Goyle's low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimes writing in midair) I ... must ... not ... look ... like ... a ... baboon's ... backside.
- The fact that Luna breaks down into a massive fit of the giggles at this!
- Also, Ron's nonplussed response to Luna's overreaction.
- The fact that Luna breaks down into a massive fit of the giggles at this!
- A metaphor where Luna is described as staring at Ron "as if he were a mildly interesting television program".
- Something of irony given that, coming from wizarding families, neither Luna nor Ron have ever watched television.note
- This part from Dumbledore's start-of-term speech:Mr. Filch, the caretaker, has asked me, for what he tells me is the four hundred and sixty-second time, to remind you all that magic is not permitted in corridors between classes, nor are a number of other things, all of which can be checked on the extensive list now fastened to Mr. Filch's office door.
- Anything Peeves does: "The bell rang just as Peeves swooped down on Katie and emptied an entire bottle of ink over her head."
- "Twice he shut Mrs. Norris inside a suit of armour, from which she had to be rescued, yowling loudly, by the furious Filch."
- Harry is steamed at being sent to see Professor McGonagall in her office by Umbridge and has the misfortune to encounter Peeves.Peeves: Ooh, crackpot's feeling cranky! What is it this time, my fine Potty friend? Hearing voices? Seeing visions? Speaking in...(blows a raspberry) Tongues? Oh, most think he's barking, the potty wee lad, but some are more kindly and think he's just sad, but Peevsy knows better and says that he's mad!
- The snarky gargoyles outside McGonagall's office. One addresses Harry as "sonny-Jim" and the other talks in a ridiculous high-powered voice.
- McGonagall reading Umbridge's note.McGonagall: Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?
McGonagall: You called her a liar?
McGonagall: You told her He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back?
McGonagall: Have a biscuit, Potter.
- She asks Harry if he understood Umbridge's speech at the beginning of term. Harry responds by quoting Hermione, and McGonagall, not fooled at all, says, "Well, at least you listen to Hermione Granger at any rate."
- Ron and Hermione are the new Prefects, so a run in with the Twins was inevitable. When Hermione confronts them about their latest scheme, they laugh at her threats of punishment, until she invokes the one thing that can scare them into backing down:Hermione: If you don't stop, I'm going to
Fred: Put us in detention?
George: Make us write lines?
Hermione: No, but I will write to your mother.
Fred: You wouldn't...
- Fred's reaction to learning that Ron got a "P" (Poor) grade on his Potions homework.Fred: Nothing wrong with a good healthy 'P'.
- Also, the continuing discussion of the grades, ending with George revealing that the final grade is T for Troll, which Hermione didn't know about. Harry's not even sure if George is just joking (the next book reveals that he isn't) and then he imagines trying to conceal from Hermione that he got Ts on all his exams.
- Of all people, Hermione being (very indirectly) responsible for the success of the Skiving Snackboxes. When Harry starts returning from detention with Umbridge with a carved-up hand, she gives him a bowl of essence of Murtlap tentacles to dip his hand in, which soothes the pain. When Lee Jordan later on starts suffering as well after mouthing off to Umbridge, Harry recommends this to him. Later still, Harry asks Fred and George about how they managed to get their snackboxes working after so long of them failing, and they offhandedly mention that Jordan recommended a couple of drops of Murtlap essence.
- Even though it's also a Tearjerker moment considering, when Harry and Ron hold Neville back from attacking Malfoy, Harry ends up with his arm around Neville's neck, rendering him unable to speak other than odd words.
- Hermione is refusing to help Harry and Ron with their homework in the evening because they spent the day having fun flying when they could have been doing it. During this, Ron receives a very nasty letter from Percy basically encouraging him to stop hanging around Harry because he's supposedly mentally unstable. Afterwards, Hermione finally agrees to look it over and correct any mistakes.Ron: Are you serious? Ah, Hermione, you're a life-saver, what can I—?
Hermione: What you can say is, "We promise we'll never leave our homework this late again."
- And Hermione gets another good line in as Ron prepares to make a promise.Ron: If I'm ever rude to you again
Hermione: I'll know you're back to normal.
- Hermione then follows up with her correction on Harry's homework:Hermione: Harry, yours is okay except for this last bit at the end. I think you must have misheard Professor Sinistra. Europa is covered in ice, not mice.
- It turns into a Brick Joke in their written theory exam on Astronomy during the O.W.L:Harry was not convinced he had got all of Jupiter's moons right, but was at least confident that none of them was inhabited by mice.
- And Hermione gets another good line in as Ron prepares to make a promise.
- Harry and Ron find out some important information and the latter tries to run up the stairs to the girl's dorm to tell Hermione. But apparently Hogwarts has spells against male students in the female dorms, so the stairs collapse into a slide the instant he sets foot. Hermione and the rest of the female students unconcernedly slide down to greet them for the rest of the scene like it's a playground. "Who tried to climb up the stairs?"
- Fridge Logic when one realises that the teachers did this to make sure students didn't get up to any "funny business". Or that interested girls could just walk up to the boys' dorm. Hermione notes that it's "an old-fashioned rule" and that the founders of Hogwarts "thought boys were less trustworthy than girls."
- Harry making a dream up for the divination class while Umbridge is observing Trelawney.Harry: Let's say I dreamed I was... drowning Snape in my cauldron. Yeah, that'll do...
- Umbridge's evaluations of the teachers could be both funny and painful. Snape's was particularly memorable:Umbridge: You applied first for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post, I believe.
Umbridge: But you were unsuccessful?
Snape: (deadpan) Obviously.
- Ron's reaction to hearing the evaluations are going to take place. Everyone else is frightened for their favorite teachers, but Ron just smiles.Ron: Oh, I can't wait to see McGonagall inspected. Umbridge won't know what's hit her.
- When McGonagall's evaluation does come around:Umbridge: I was just wondering, Professor, whether you received my note telling you of the date and time of your inspec-
McGonagall: Obviously I received it, or I would have asked you what you are doing in my classroom.
(Later, when she keeps making her annoying fake-cough during the lesson)
McGonagall: I wonder, how you expect to gain an idea of my usual teaching methods if you continue to interrupt me? You see, I do not generally permit people to talk when I am talking.
- Harry comments to Ron that it's hypocritical for her to tell him to keep his temper around Umbridge... but he's also too impressed/amazed to care much.
- When McGonagall's evaluation does come around:
- In the Hog's Head, Harry spies two cloaked figures at a table who could have been dementors...had they not been conversing in thick Yorkshire accents.
- At the meeting in the Hog's Head Inn, Zacharias Smith constantly grumbles about Harry's past achievements. Fred and George shut him up by producing an item from Zonko's.George: Would you like us to clean out your ears for you?
Fred: Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this.
- Harry getting in a good Insult Backfire in the buildup to the first Quidditch match of the season:"Harry had, of course, endured their snide comments for over four years, so whispers of "Hey Potty, I hear Warrington's sworn to knock you off your broom on Saturday," far from chilling his blood, made him laugh. "Warrington's aim's so pathetic I'd be more worried if he was aiming for the person next to me," he retorted, which made Ron and Hermione laugh and wiped the smirk off Pansy Parkinson's face."
- When Ron is freaking out before his first Quidditch match: "Ron was now staring into the dregs of milk at the bottom of his empty cereal bowl as though seriously considering attempting to drown himself in them." and "Harry and Ron pulled on their robes (Ron attempted to do his up back-to-front for several minutes before Alicia took pity on him and went to help)."
- The scene where Hermione kisses Ron on the cheek and the poor guy just zones out for several minutes.
- During Hagrid's troublesome tale about his mission concerning the giants:Hagrid: But we managed ter give the berk tailin' us the slip round abou' Dee-John-
Hermione: (excitedly) Oooh, Dijon? I have been there on holiday, did you see-? (falls silent upon seeing Ron's Death Glare)
- Upon Hagrid's return to Hogwarts, Hermione desperately tries to convince Hagrid that his teaching methods of showing what he considers interesting creatures and what most other people consider dangerous monsters is not going to go down well with Umbridge. Unfortunately, her warnings fall on deaf ears, as she claims Hagrid was insisting none of the students would rather learn about Knarls (magical creatures indistinguishable from hedgehogs) than Chimeras (a dangerous Greek monster with the forequarters of a lion, hindquarters of a goat, tail of a serpent, the heads of all three, the ability to breathe fire, and an appetite for human meat).Hermione: He just kept saying no one in their right mind would rather study Knarls than Chimeras. (she catches sight of Harry and Ron's horrified expressions) Oh I don't think he's got a Chimera, but that's not for lack of trying, judging by what he said about how hard it was to get a hold of eggs.
- Also, at Hagrid's actual first lesson upon returning, he decides to bring out Thestrals to show the class. That's when Umbridge comes down for inspection while doing her typical "Hem, hem!" Hagrid is confused, as he hadn't heard her use it when they first met, and he thinks that one of the Thestrals made it. Yes, he thought that thestrals made that sound.
- The description of Ron and Hermione's prefect duties in December (interspersed with Ron's complaints about them):They were called upon to supervise the decoration of the castle ('You try putting up tinsel when Peeves has got the other end and is trying to strangle you with it,' said Ron), to watch over first- and second-years spending their break-times inside because of the bitter cold ('And they're cheeky little snot-rags, you know, we definitely weren't that rude when we were in first year,' said Ron) and to patrol the corridors in shifts with Argus Filch, who suspected that the holiday spirit might show itself in an outbreak of wizard duels ('He's got dung for brains, that one,' said Ron furiously).
- The Hungarian translation manages to up it by using a different synonym for "talking angrily" to describe each of Ron's complaints. It also specifies the dung in Filch's head as dragon dung.
- Dobby decorates the entire Room of Requirement with Christmas baubles, all emblazoned with pictures of Harry's face and the message "HAVE A VERY HARRY CHRISTMAS!"
- Two of Harry's particularly hilarious dreams:
- He dreams Cho is angry at him for luring her to the DA under false pretenses by promising her 150 Chocolate Frog Cards: "Cedric gave me loads of Chocolate Frog Cards, look!" Then she becomes Hermione who says he did promise Cho and suggests he should give her his Firebolt but Umbridge has it, and he just came to the DA to put up Christmas ornaments shaped like Dobby's head But it quickly changes to a vision of Nagini wounding Arthur.
- The second dream involves him watching Neville and Professor Sprout waltzing in the Room of Requirement while McGonagall serenades them with bagpipes. This is not out of character for McGonagall either, as she is Scottish and, according to Pottermore, made her father's bagpipes play on their own as a baby.
- Pretty much everything that involves Phineas Nigellus Black.
- Molly's reaction to Arthur's stitches: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THAT'S THE GENERAL IDEA?!"
- Everybody, Harry and Hermoine included, quickly excuse themselves as they realise what Arthur's done, and that Molly's winding up for a mighty tirade.
- Hermione's Christmas presents for Harry and Ron: homework planners that talk after something is written in them. It's never explained why she thought they'd appreciate her gift, but she might've just wanted the planners to remind them of schoolwork so she wouldn't have to.'Don't leave it till later, you big second-rater!' chided the book as Harry scribbled down Umbridge's homework. Hermione beamed at it. 'I think I'll go to bed,' said Harry, stuffing the homework planner back into his bag and making a mental note to drop it in the fire the first opportunity he got.
- When Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys take the Knight Bus back to Hogwarts after the Christmas holidays, Ron is delighted as he has always wanted to travel on it. Later, "after picking himself up from the floor for the sixth time", he declares that he's changed his mind and never wants to ride on it again.
- The teachers' reactions to Harry's interview. As they are, by yet another educational degree, forbidden to talk with the students about anything which is not on the topic of their subject, they find ways around it. Flitwick gives him sweets for apparently nothing, Sprout gives points to Gryffindor to Harry for handing her a watering can, and Trelawney of all people (who loves to foresee his early and probably painful death), suddenly changes her mind and tells Harry that he will have 7 children, become Minister of Magic, and will live into old age, much to Umbridge's dismay who is present in all of Trelawney's classes.
- Dumbledore's comment to Umbridge upon hiring Firenze to replace Trelawney: "This is Firenze. I think you'll find him acceptable." Note that Umbridge hates centaurs.
- And once she suffers a beating by centaurs, Ron reveals she will wake up from her catatonia in a panic if a clopping-like sound is heard.
- In a darkly humorous way, Gryffindor's incredibly bad performance after Harry, Fred and George are banned from Quidditch.The very best thing you could say about the match was that it was short; the Gryffindor spectators had to endure only twenty-two minutes of agony. It was hard to say what the worst thing was: Harry thought it was a close-run contest between Ron's fourteenth failed save, Sloper missing the Bludger but hitting Angelina in the mouth with his bat, and Kirke shrieking and falling backwards off his broom when Zacharias Smith zoomed at him carrying the Quaffle.
- Prior to this, Hermione actually asks the twins if Ron has managed to save a goal yet."Well, he can do it if he doesn't think anyone's watching him," said Fred, rolling his eyes. "So all we have to do is ask the crowd to turn their backs and talk among themselves every time the Quaffle goes up his end on Saturday."
- Hermione then horrifies the three boys by calling Quidditch "only a game".
- Prior to this, Hermione actually asks the twins if Ron has managed to save a goal yet.
- Fudge and Umbridge's Genre Blindness is hilarious when they think they can get Dumbledore out of the way, especially Dumbledore's response:Fudge: I see no snag, Dumbledore!
Dumbledore: Well, I do. You all seem to be labouring under the delusion that I will... what was the phrase? "Come quietly?"
Fudge: So you plan to take on me, two Aurors, and the Senior Undersecretary unassisted?
Dumbledore: Merlin's beard, no. Not unless you are foolish enough to make me.
- As Harry leaves the office:Phineas Nigellus Black: You know, Minister, I disagree with Dumbledore on many counts but you cannot deny he's got style.
- Being safe inside a painting, Black would have been able to sit back and watch the fight.
- Dumbledore implies that he could easily break out of Azkaban, but it's so boring that he can't be bothered to do it, but later on he has evidently broken into the Ministry of Magic to fight Voldemort. Apparently, breaking into the Ministry of Magic is interesting and fun enough for Dumbledore to bother.
- As Harry leaves the office:
- Dumbledore's office sealing itself against Umbridge.
- Shortly after Dumbledore's escape, Fred and George are planning their full-scale rebellion and warn Harry and friends to prepare for trouble. When Harry is tapped on the shoulder by Filch whilst lost in thought, he immediately goes on the defensive.Filch: The Headmistress would like to see you, Potter.
Harry: I didn't do it.
- After Fred and George's escape, Ron, Hermione, and Harry are all talking about it, and Ron is sure his mother is going to blame him for allowing it. Then Harry reveals that he was the one who gave them the money to start their joke shop, and we get this:Ron: But this is excellent! It's all your fault! Can I tell mum?
- The description of how, with the school more or less in open rebellion against Umbridge's takeover of Hogwarts, Filch is completely out of his depth trying to stem the tide of trouble-making, and the Inquisitorial Squad have merely painted targets on their back when the rest of Hogwarts has declared open season on Umbridge and her cronies. Even the teachers just let Umbridge struggle!
- McGonagall just watches Fred and George's rockets disrupt class and casually asks a student to fetch Umbridge. The other teachers follow suit:Flitwick: I could have done it myself, of course, but I wasn't sure I had the authority...
- Harry sees McGonagall passing by Peeves who is "determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier" and telling him, "It unscrews the other way."
- The conclusion, when Peeves chases Umbridge off by hitting her with McGonagall's walking stick and a sock filled with chalk. Professor McGonagall's reaction is "I would chase after her myself, but Peeves borrowed my stick," with a tone that implies that Peeves didn't steal it so much as politely asked for it, and she gladly handed it over.
- Any time McGonagall and Umbridge interacted, often with an added Moment of Awesome for McGonagall.
- McGonagall just watches Fred and George's rockets disrupt class and casually asks a student to fetch Umbridge. The other teachers follow suit:
- It's a pretty dark scene overall, but the Marauders in Snape's memory are genuinely funny among each other.Sirius: So what did you think of the fifth question, Moony?
Remus: Excellent one. Give us five signs that identify the werewolf?
James: (in a mocking tone) Do you think you missed any?
Remus: Let's see, one, he's sitting on my chair, two, he's wearing my clothes and three, his name is Remus Lupin.
(James and Sirius laugh)
Peter: I'm not sure I got all of it.
James: Wormtail, how thick can you get? You run around with a werewolf once a month.
- The career advice scene."Are you quite sure you wouldn't like a cough drop, Dolores?"
- And the argument over Harry's classroom performance:McGonagall: He has achieved high marks in all his Defense Against the Dark Arts tests
Umbridge: I'm terribly sorry to have to contradict you, Minerva, but as you will see from my note, Harry has been achieving very poor results in his classes with me
McGonagall: I should have made my meaning plainer. He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher.
- The only teachers she can be talking about are a man with Voldemort on the back of his head, a fraud, a werewolf, and a certified lunatic, who was being impersonated, by another certified lunatic! All of them are apparently more competent than Umbridge.
- Hilariously as it is, every single one of them was objectively more competent as a DADA teacher than her. Yes, even Lockhart.
- And the argument over Harry's classroom performance:
- Madam Pince catches Harry and Ginny with Easter eggs in the library."Chocolate in the library! OUT OUT OUT!" And waving her wand, she caused their books and schoolbags to hit them them over the head, chasing them out.
- Ron's comment upon dropping Divination (after one of his exams, he had told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in his crystal ball, only to look up and realise he had been describing his examiner's reflection):Ron: And from now on I don't care if my tea-leaves spell 'Die, Ron, die!' I'm just chucking them in the bin where they belong.
- Harry's Divination exam goes badly too; he mixes up the lines on his (very old) examiner's palm and tells her that she ought to have died the previous Tuesday.
- Poor Hannah Abbott has such a stressful time going into exams. It's a Running Gag how stressed she is, and it pays off in the news of the Transfiguration exam where Hannah apparently panics and multiplies her ferret into a flock of flamingos. The exam is reportedly shut down for several minutes while the teachers try to round the birds up.
- When Harry is asked to cast a Patronus by his examiners, what thought makes him happy enough to do so? Umbridge getting sacked.
- He also looks straight at Umbridge as he casts the Patronus. Harry is being extremely smug about it, and Umbridge has to know it. Of course, he still gets the extra credit point, and Harry happily notes that he probably just got an excellent grade on his exam.
- Ginny imitating Umbridge's "Hem hem" cough. It sounded so realistic that people thought she was there with them.
- When trying to come up with a diversion for Umbridge, Ron suggests telling her that Peeves is smashing up the Transfiguration department — and saying he'll try and convince him to do it if he runs into him along the way. Harry notes that Hermione not objecting is a mark of how serious the situation is.
- Luna becomes "rather bored by the proceedings" while Umbridge is threatening to expel her and her friends.
- After Umbridge used up Snape's Veritaserum (which actually turned out to be fake) and demands he make more to interrogate Harry again, Snape tells her it will take a month unless he wishes to poison Harry. Umbridge throws a tantrum, and puts Snape on probation on the spot.
- On a darkly humorous note, Snape points out that he's more than willing to poison Harry if Umbridge wants to go that route. The problem is that it would require having the antidote handy to make it clear he stands to gain anything from telling them the truth, and Snape doesn't have any poisons slow-acting enough to give Harry time to answer questions.
- And before departing, he also (being the first one in the room to finally notice it) takes note of the sight of Crabbe all but asphyxiating Neville in a stranglehold and tells Crabbe to loosen his grip because "if Longbottom suffocates, it means a tedious amount of paperwork and I do have to mention it on your reference if ever you apply for a job".
- When they sneak into the Ministry of Magic to save Sirius, they all get name tags saying "Rescue Mission". It gets even better as it's ambiguous whether or not they put them on.
- Luna is there. Everyone knows she put hers on.
- Cornelius Fudge continues to be genre-blind to the bitter end. After he sees proof in-person that Voldemort is alive, he still looks to the Aurors to arrest Dumbledore.
- Cornelius Fudge referring to Voldemort as "Lord- Thingy" in his press statement admitting that the Dark Lord has returned at the end.
- In an otherwise Tear Jerker scene, Dumbledore's passive non-reaction to Harry's Tantrum Throwing: "By all means continue destroying my possessions. I daresay I have too many."
- Even Dumbledore thinks that Divination is nonsense. He was considering scrapping the subject and the only reason he kept the lesson is because Trelawney made the original prophecy and needed somewhere to hide.
- The rather sharp put-down Mad-Eye Moody directs at Vernon during the confrontation between the Dursleys and the Order at the end of the book:Vernon: I am not aware that it is any of your business what goes on in my house-
Mad-Eye: I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursley.
- Followed by this gloriously satisfying exchange:Vernon: Are you threatening me, sir?
Mad-Eye: Yes, I am.
Vernon: And do I look like the kind of man who can be intimidated?
Mad-Eye: Well... (pushes back his bowler hat to stare at Vernon with his creepy Mad Eye, causing Vernon to leap back in shock and crash into a luggage trolley) Yes, I'd have to say you do, Dursley.
- Followed by this gloriously satisfying exchange:
From the film
- At the beginning of the movie, Harry asks Dudley if he beat up another 10-year-old. Dudley answers in the affirmative, even trying to justify his response by saying "This one deserved it." Harry was very likely asking a rhetorical question.
- After Dudley starts insulting Cedric and Lily to impress his friends, Harry gets angry and pulls out his wand. Dudley's friends only laugh harder, but Dudley looks as if he's about to shit his pants with terror.
- Dudley's totally catatonic state after the Dementor's attack, where he's just sitting there with a wide-eyed stare.Vernon: Happy, are we, now? You've finally done it! You've finally driven him loopy!Petunia: Vernon! Don't say that!Vernon: Just look at him, Petunia! Our boy has gone yumpy!
- The scene with Harry being terse with his friends for keeping him in the dark all summer is lightened by Fred and George's appearance.Fred: (clapping him on the shoulder) Harry!George: We thought we heard your dulcet tones.Fred: Don't bottle it up, though, mate. Let it out.
- Crookshanks eats the Extendable Ear.
"No! Bad Crookshanks!"
- And Fred and George's reaction. "Bloody cat!"
- Even Hermione is annoyed.
- During dinner, Crookshanks can be seen licking his mouth contentedly. Fred looks on with an expression of loathing.
- The twins startling Molly by constantly Apparating everywhere.Molly: OHHH! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO USE MAGIC NOW DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO WHIP YOUR WANDS OUT FOR EVERYTHING! (sees Harry and immediately softens) You hungry, Harry?
- Ginny, who has probably seen this sort of behaviour all summer, simply passes behind them and greets her mother with a bored "Hi, Mum" before heading into the kitchen.
- Dumbledore arrives at Harry's hearing, despite it having been moved up significantly. Fudge says he couldn't possibly have heard about the time change, to which Dumbledore says he just so happened to have arrived three hours early.
- During Harry's trial, Mrs. Figg is brought in as a witness for Harry:Amelia Bones: Please describe the attack. What did they look like?
Mrs. Figg: Well, one of them was very large, and the other rather skinny.
Fudge: (clearly trying to keep his temper) Not the boys, the Dementors.
- She's still in the witness chair during the verdict and raises her hand during the innocent vote, before realising what she's doing and trying to play it off as adjusting her hair.
- Luna's Establishing Character Moment. Harry's freaking out over seeing the Thestrals when no one else can, then hears a new voice say "You're not going mad." He looks at one of the carriages to see Luna, reading "The Quibbler" upside down. She then says "I can see them, too. You're just as sane as I am!" with a completely eerie smile on her face.
- This You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me! exchange after Umbridge's speech, foreshadowing her true colors.Dumbledore: Uh...well...thank you, Professor Umbridge, that was...illuminating.
Ron: [angry] Illuminating?! What a load of waffle!
- Umbridge magically separates a snogging pair of students. Later on one of her degrees is that boys and girls are not permitted to be within a certain distance of each other.
- Snape's inspection by Umbridge is made even funnier in the movie by Ron getting a fit of the giggles at his disgruntled response and Snape giving him a good solid thwack on the head while Umbridge's back is turned.
- At one point, we see Umbridge evaluating Flitwick's music class. She ends up measuring him.
- It's a rather sad scene when Umbridge is firing Trelawney from Hogwarts, but there's this line when McGonagall comes out to comfort her:Umbridge: Something you'd like to say, Minerva?
McGonagall: Oh, there are several things I would like to say!
- This exchange when Harry and friends are heading back to Hogwarts after establishing Dumbledore's Army:Hermione: It's kind of exciting, isn't it, breaking the rules?
Ron: Who are you, and what have you done with Hermione Granger?
- When Hermione mentions that Cho couldn't quite keep her eyes off Harry during the meeting, Ginny's face instantly falls.
- When Hermione explains the concept of the Room of Requirement:Ron: So, say you really needed a toilet...?
Hermione: Charming Ronald, but yes.
- A lot of the Dumbledore's Army training scenes. Neville trying to cast Expelliarmus and causing his own wand to fly backwards (and everyone in line behind him to duck); Cho dropping Nigel; Fred and George giving Filch some really awful boils/acne via cursed chocolates, etc.
- Bonus points for the scene where Filch, plus boils, is in Umbridge's office. Despite the forced smile on her face, it's pretty obvious that she's starting to get fed-up with the students' antics, as shown by her frustratedly snapping one of her blood quills in half.
- There's also the fact that Filch was stupid enough to eat from a suspicious box of chocolates left for him by a "secret admirer," along with the implication that he thought they were from Umbridge in the first place.
- At one point, Luna is seen happily skipping towards the Room of Requirement, unaware that she is being watched by Filch and the Inquisitorial Squad (Malfoy and some other Slytherins). They then try running into the Room of Requirement themselves, but simply crash-land into a broom cupboard.
- Bonus points for the scene where Filch, plus boils, is in Umbridge's office. Despite the forced smile on her face, it's pretty obvious that she's starting to get fed-up with the students' antics, as shown by her frustratedly snapping one of her blood quills in half.
- Harry and Nigel flying to opposite ends of the Room after Nigel tries the Stupefy spell for the first time. The poor boy can even be seen looking at his wand in wonder afterwards.
- Hermione stupefying Ron after he tells her he'll go "easy on her". Also, Fred and George betting on who will win their face-off.
Fred: (clearly pleased) Thank you.
- Neville raising a fist in support only to pretend he was simply scratching his face when Ron loses.
- The smug smirk on Fred's face as George hands him his money is worth noting, too.
George: Oh, shut up.
- The boys' reactions to Ron saying "I let her do that. It's--it's good manners, isn't it?" count as well.
- George is visibly annoyed at having lost some money; Fred nods in a "Whatever you say, little brother" sort of way; and Dean looks two seconds away from rolling his eyes at Ron's bullshit.
- When the trio meet Grawp, he picks up Hermione and she tries to order him to put her down.Hermione: (terrified but trying to sound authoritative) Grawp! Put. Me. Down. (long Beat) Now.
- After Dumbledore makes his explosive escape from right under Fudge's nose, Kingsley Shacklebolt says the line that was said in the book by the portrait of Phineas Black:Kingsley Shacklebolt: "You may not like him, Minister. but you can't deny—Dumbledore's got style."
- The exchange of expressions between them.
- During the Occlumency lessons, Snape's bone-dry response to seeing Harry hugging Sirius while Lupin happily watches.Snape: I may vomit.
- The twins' fireworks rampage during the fifth-years' O.W.L.s.
- In true Fred and George fashion, they engineer a few fireworks to piss off Crabbe, Goyle, and Malfoy specifically. Goyle bats away his angrily; Crabbe tries to run, only to get pinged in the butt; and Malfoy whimpers pathetically as the firework hits the wall behind him, leaving an imprint of his scared face behind as it implodes.
- Umbridge's pathetic whimper as the firework dragon starts to chase her.
- Flitwick doing a victory pose as the twins fly into the sunset.
- When Umbridge is being carried off by centaurs, we hear her "Let me goooo!" echo off into the distance.
- "Get away from my godson." Sirius then decks Lucius in the face.